WWE
Muahahaha
free oppurtunity to do a recap? Yes please! Anyway my computer wants to check my spelling in French, great I did my french
coursework about 6 months ago. Piece of crap. Anyway relevant intro, umm yeah well, random insult? Cool I can do that
“Your
mum is so fat, when she dances she really does bring down the house!!”
Oh
wait we're extreme tonight
“Your
mum is so fat, when she dances with barbed wire she really does bring down the vicious steel cage!!”
That'll
do.
So
what better way to start an ECW pay per view, than nowhere near where ECW began with a crappy whiny song. It's setting the
tone to follow? Please say no.
Right
umm commentators introduced, I hate Michael Cole etc. Oh when the ECW team talk about extreme they of course mention.....Vince
Mcmahon. Yeah makes sense.
RVD
vs RKO (Initials rule!)
Stretcher match
Right
thumb taunt ends in kick to jaw, nice, apparently RVD isn't as concussed as HBK was. Anyway, whip, another kick. Another kick,
and a monkey flip. Kick. Leg drop. OK I get it your feet are educated and you can use them. Whip, Orton kick blocked, RVD
kick. More freaking kicks. And now he's doing mounted punches. Thank god. What is this match kick and chinlock bonanza (I'll
take the kicks) Whip Orton kicks....forearm, we're both down. RKO stalks RVD, like a divas bag. RKO countered to.....a kick.
5 star attempt and RVD just falls off the top rope. JR claims he's concussed, I claim otherwise. Ahem. Orton dropkick of fucking
death connects. Stomps. If I cut of everyones' feet in this match we'd have very little offence, firstly they'd be in hospital,
and secondly they couldn't kick. Knee-drop, well we're moving up the leg anyway. And we have multiple stretchers? What is
the point in that? Kick to the head. Sweet modified Canadian backbreaker drop by Orton, nice. RVD's on a stretcher and falls
straight off it. He stares around, and hits leaping fists. Orton eats ringpost....with mustard. Orton on stretcher, and RVD
hits a spinning leg-drop. Which is unorthodox, yep he's not traditional, he's evangelical. A church related pun damn I'm desperate
here. RVD rolls Orton back into the ring, away from the finish line. That makes sense. Rolling thunder into powerslam counter,
AWESOME!. Failed suplex to outside attempt. Dropkick! Orton on stretcher, rolling senton dive misses, ouch. RVD is out, and
where are his originals buddies to help him? Great choice of friends Rob. We're pushing RVD to finish. KICK to Orton. Orton
falls over stretcher and he gets pushed back. Strange.
Bizarre
finish and way too many kicks, but no headlocks! I kid, good match, great selling by RVD.
3/5
Orton
(fully recovered...) blind-sides RVD. Head kick. Elevated DDT using the barrier. Retard in the crowd chanting for Sabu, he's
fired you hick! Orton leaves, and RVD has a serious concussion apparently. Nice balanced send-off anyway. RVD stretchered
away Orton cathces a beach-ball, we're done.
Mcmahon
promo. We're ending Lashley, please do. PLEASE! Vince is having a premonition, slow-eating cancer ok. Not the match, if it's
Trump and he comes back I riot.
CM
Punk, Sandman and Tommy Dreamer vs Marcus Cor Von, Elijah Burke and Matt Striker
Tables
Match
Gimmick
overkill anyone? And of coure CM PUNK is on the team of people who are open alcoholics and sex-a-holics. We all have separate
entrances for some reason, The New Breed's titantron is playing behind Punk, that makes sense. New Breed, damn that's a bad
theme. Matt Striker's pulling up the rear, thanks Tazz.
Dreamer
and Cor von. Basic start-up, Striker distracts Dreamer. Double underhook suplex. Burke is in, knee-drop, but misses a flying
elbow. Dreamer bulldogs, here comes Sandy flapjack, Striker gets an armdrag, Punk is in, knee and awesomely sold bulldog..
Sideslam elbow drop combo and we're with Dreamer. GET THE TABLES! As 3D cry silently about how they are forgotten. Punk planchas
Cor Von. Burke decks Sandman, flying clothesline by Punk. Sandman canes people. Table moved out of the way of Striker suplex.
Targetting Punk now, whip to slam to handstand elbow by Elijah. Dreamer saves Punk from table. Sandman falls off the top rope!
Sit-out spinebuster on Dreamer. Punk enziguris Burke. Alpha Bomb on Punk!! Cor Von looks like he's goin to try and moonsault?
Sandman caves him. Dreamer piledrives Burke, and Punk superlexes Striker onto Burke through a table!
Greta
finish, and fluid match but a bit short.
3.25/5
ECW
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Vince
Mcmahon (C) w/Shane Mcmahon and UMAGA vs Bobby Lashley w/bad promos
Street
Fight
Joey
complains about the possibility of interference, come on it's extreme rules dammit!
Lashley
planchas Umaga,......and botches. It's the effort that counts. Shane starts the punching. Clothesline, gorilla press out of
the ring. Lashley pounds mcmahon. Shane decked again. Umaga pushes, kicks, Lashley dodges splash. Lashley has a chair! And
drops it..... Umaga stops Dominator, OK I want Lashley in a Dominatrix gimmick for no reason now. It'd be more interesting
than now!. Chairshot, Mcmahon lariats. Samoan Headbutt, choking, choking on the floor. Choking with bell hammer, kicks, choking
with wire Lashley looks like he's crying, AWESOME! Samoan drop kick-out. Mcmahon spears Lashley, kick-out as the crowd boos,
heheh. Choking, it never gets old. Umaga goes to spalsh Lashley and gets Vince somehow. Umaga and Shane tossed. Chair to Vince,
and a load more, Vince gets dominated, Umaga pulls Lashley and a kick in the throat, splash off the apron. Crazy Shane elbow
through table! ECW team your broadcast is over, and Lashley kicks out. Lashley is now the terminator apparently. Oh and Ass-Crash.
Coast to Coast misses Lashley and hit Umaga. Spear to Shane, spear to Vince. 1-2-3 Vince's title reign did nothing. Yay.
Spotty,
but considering I dislike both Vince and Lashley in ring not that bad.
2.75/5
Lashley
spears Vince again.
“He
speared Kenny(dy Mcmahon) you BASTARD!”
World
Tag Team Championships
WGTT
vs The Hardyz (C)
Ladder
Match
This
should be good. We start with generic brawling and screaming girls. Double suplex on Haas and a combo on Shelton. Haas takes
them both down. 4 ladders borught in, standoff, Hardyz dropkick the ladders into WGTT. Cool. Haas gets sand-wiched by 3 ladders,
Shelton and poetry in motion. Jeff chucked off ladder. Electric chair on Haas. Hardyz up the ladder, Shelton forgets to stop
them, Hardyz clutch vainly at the titles in front of them until Shelton wakes up and chucks a ladder. Matt slammed on a ladder.
WGTT go for a double roll through thingee into the ladder, botch big time and Jeff has to basically walk into a ladder. WGTT
off the ladder. Shelton whiffs a drop-kick onto a ladder. Botch number 3 off him. Mercury set up with the ladders. Both are
hip-tossed onto them and almost nails Jeff in the face. Now we get the big ladders, who says size doesn't matter? White people
talking to black people, that's who. Haas suplexed on ladder Shelton counters but is backdropped onto it instead (The ladders
propped up lie at MITB this year) Jeff goes to put Shelton through the ladder but Haas germans him off the top. Side Effect.
T-Bone on Jeff. OK now Haas puts Matt on a ladder held perpendicular to another and now shelton jumps off a ladder in the
ring onto Matt's back. Basically their leapfrog move but bigger. However I do question shelton's logic of jumping 15 feet
onto his groin...bit silly that. Haas suplexed off ladder, he's just getting beaten here and sells it like napalm. Shelton
goes to springboard into Hardy, botches it and hits a strange dropkick instead. Botch 4, but a good recovery. Shelton now
gets crotched. Two ladders side by side. Both temas up, Shelton thrown all the way out through the ladder outside, and Haas
gets Swantoned-yeah that's a word. Matt gets the belts. Applause all round. Great match even with botches.
4.25/5
Kane
vs Mark Henry vs My Sanity
Lumberjack match
Basically
the lumberjacks are all the mid-carders, Benoit gets a big pop, Kenny gets absolutely no reaction. Stevie piggy-backs on Balls...and
that didn't sound sexual at all. This won't be pretty, Kane gets tossed, nobody touches him. I hate Cole.
Cole:
I think Henry may have the strength advantage
JBL:
He's the strongest person on the freakin' planet Michael
Thanks
JBL, go soap a few asses for that comment, I recommend the Miz, because he's annoying. Kane kicks Henry out, Henry beats up
lumberjacks. And again, Kane gets slammed on his back a few times, post, apron etc. Henry is T-rex right now...T-rex ain't
that fat. Elbows to kane's back. Henry has a brain! Yes I'm recapping the commentary, the action sucks. Slam. 2 count. Kane
has never been man-handled like this, cliché, what cliché? Henry hugs Kane to death, maybe he's trying to drown him in his
sweat. Damn I'm loving Venis' over-reaction, Benoit just doesn't care. Henry's now a boa-constrictor, his back is a bill-board
and Edge is a piranha. Enough with the metaphor! Kane planchas everyone . Top rope clothesline. Chokeslam, Chavo and Dykstra
beat on Kane, Dykstar gets chokeslammed. More deadly hugs, it's over??
WTF!
Crap finish, crap match Kane did the odd good thing. JBL compares Henry to Bruno Sammartino, I die a little inside.
0.75/5
Santino
and Maria backstage, Maria loves Italian and pudding! Maria gives a great promo (ish) quite funny and kisses Candice. Santino
loves America, but does be love DOUBLE DOUBLE E? That is the question. Oh and I forgot someone needs to earn their paycheck.
DAMN!!
Thanks
for that insight Ron.
Candice
vs Melina
EXTREME
Pudding Match
Sign
in the crowd wanting pudding. We're in swimming costumes Melina has goggles, classic. Crappy
pudding brawling in the chocolate pudding. Pin on the outside, Candice I think spinebusters Melina. Melina submits
to avoid drowning. They're both covered in sticky brown and white liquid, if I had my way it'd only be...yeah you see where
I'm going.
0.5/5
Maria
and the referee get thrown in too, and Maria eats pudding off Candice.
WORLD
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Edge
(c) vs Batista
Steel
Cage Match
Edge
has come to life, you thought you knew him, I hate his pyro. Batista strolls out through his pit of danger and gives us another
excessive pyro, then walks to ring, alone I might add. Edge goes for the door, DAVE stops him. Edge tries to climb out Teest
stops him
Cole:
How dare Edge try and run away!
JBL:
And win the match?
Cole:Whimper
Damn
I hate Cole. Edge tries to climb out The Animal stops him. Damn Batista getting all these people to help him, oh wait they're
all him, whatever. Kick, camel clutch? The Animal is humbling Edge!! That said it won't be the most painful sex related experience
Edge has had, rhymes with Rita. Clothesline, kickout. Edge kicks..and climbs, and fails. Northern Lariat by Batista kickout.
Suplex, kickout. Batista goes to climb, Edge dropkicks him and a shoulder-block. Batista's stuck between Cage and rope. Edge
gets through door, Batista drags him pack into the ring. Edge goes for the turnbuckle cover, DAVE blocks, edge escapes a slam,
Edgomatic, Edge crawls to climb, fist-fight on the top rope, superplex to Edge. Cover, I'm not sure of the result here, there
are so many people that get pinned with superplexes!! SPOLIER: Edge kicks out. Batista tries to escape, Edge drags him back
in, fails but Batista goes for a splash and gets dropkicked instead of just y'know climbing out. Well animal's have low IQs.
Batista starts to feed from the power of small children but then refuses their
autographs, spear countered to a shouldber-block. Edge slammed into cage, whip clothesline, black hole slam, which I am renaming
The Pit of Danger Slam. Oh yeah kickout. Edge dropkick countered, slingshot, roll-up 1-2-kicky. Edge thrown into Cage. Batista
hits turnbuckle (exposed) Edge spears, kick-out. He can't believe it, develop a credible finisher and we might get something!
Painfully slow climbing, throw-off, kick-out. Going too long now. We're going for the bomb, Edge scrambles for the Cage, he's
spiderman! Apparently, thanks Cole. Batista drags Edge back over the lip, lowblow, times two, crotched on ropes. Even the
steroid shrivelled danglies felt that. Edge climbs for the exit, Batista goes for the door. Yokuzuna finish!! Batista gets
his foot caught in the door, Edge wins. And runs away as Batista tries to beat him up, Batista cuddles the title he can't
have. And now throws a temper tantrum, way to get face support mate.
Good,
bit long but much better than JD.
3.75/5
WWE
CHAMPIONSHIP
John
Cena vs The Great Khali
Cena's
back to being a rapper as hip-hop obviously beats out the USA army... Khali is still Indian and his height is apparently over
7 feet tall, no inches though way to go accuracy. Cena gets two distinct tones of reception, high screams and deep macho boos,
meh whatever, he's controversial etc. Let's get this over with.
Thigh
kicks from Cena. Khali knocks him down. Oh Noes Cena can't use his oh so destructive submission! Anyway, Khali pounds on Cena,
alot. Big boot. Heel kick, that didn't obviously miss... Slam. Leg drop missed properly this time and a throwback. Top rope.
BRAINCHOP! And bitchslapped off the top. 2 count. Punches from Cena, Cena eats step, Cena eats monitor. Well you need your
iron intake. BRAINCHOP, blocked and Cena thrown over rail. Whip into equipment, monitor shot to Khali's face. FU stopped.
More bad offence from Khali. Camera boom to Khali, 2 count. FU blocked, gorilla press onto crane. Chokebomb blocked by eye
rake, Cena FUs Khali onto a crash-pad I mean solid concrete!!! 1 2 3. Good match for Khali, picked up at the end.
2.5/5
Well well that's a pay per view folks,it varied immensely appalling contest between Henry and Kane but a decent ladder match, fine cage match and nice enough tables and stretcher matches too. The other championships had fair matches and the pudding match was what it was. For an appalling card this actually gave us some good entertainment so I say a thumbs up, definitely beat judgment day.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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