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GUEST COLUMNS
GUEST
Guest Columnist 

WWE 

ONE NIGHT
STAND 2007
REPORT 
(06/10/07)

 

Muahahaha free oppurtunity to do a recap? Yes please! Anyway my computer wants to check my spelling in French, great I did my french coursework about 6 months ago. Piece of crap. Anyway relevant intro, umm yeah well, random insult? Cool I can do that

 

“Your mum is so fat, when she dances she really does bring down the house!!”

 

Oh wait we're extreme tonight

 

“Your mum is so fat, when she dances with barbed wire she really does bring down the vicious steel cage!!”

 

That'll do.

 

So what better way to start an ECW pay per view, than nowhere near where ECW began with a crappy whiny song. It's setting the tone to follow? Please say no.

 

Right umm commentators introduced, I hate Michael Cole etc. Oh when the ECW team talk about extreme they of course mention.....Vince Mcmahon. Yeah makes sense.

 

RVD vs RKO (Initials rule!)

 

Stretcher match

 

Right thumb taunt ends in kick to jaw, nice, apparently RVD isn't as concussed as HBK was. Anyway, whip, another kick. Another kick, and a monkey flip. Kick. Leg drop. OK I get it your feet are educated and you can use them. Whip, Orton kick blocked, RVD kick. More freaking kicks. And now he's doing mounted punches. Thank god. What is this match kick and chinlock bonanza (I'll take the kicks) Whip Orton kicks....forearm, we're both down. RKO stalks RVD, like a divas bag. RKO countered to.....a kick. 5 star attempt and RVD just falls off the top rope. JR claims he's concussed, I claim otherwise. Ahem. Orton dropkick of fucking death connects. Stomps. If I cut of everyones' feet in this match we'd have very little offence, firstly they'd be in hospital, and secondly they couldn't kick. Knee-drop, well we're moving up the leg anyway. And we have multiple stretchers? What is the point in that? Kick to the head. Sweet modified Canadian backbreaker drop by Orton, nice. RVD's on a stretcher and falls straight off it. He stares around, and hits leaping fists. Orton eats ringpost....with mustard. Orton on stretcher, and RVD hits a spinning leg-drop. Which is unorthodox, yep he's not traditional, he's evangelical. A church related pun damn I'm desperate here. RVD rolls Orton back into the ring, away from the finish line. That makes sense. Rolling thunder into powerslam counter, AWESOME!. Failed suplex to outside attempt. Dropkick! Orton on stretcher, rolling senton dive misses, ouch. RVD is out, and where are his originals buddies to help him? Great choice of friends Rob. We're pushing RVD to finish. KICK to Orton. Orton falls over stretcher and he gets pushed back. Strange.

 

Bizarre finish and way too many kicks, but no headlocks! I kid, good match, great selling by RVD.

 

3/5

 

Orton (fully recovered...) blind-sides RVD. Head kick. Elevated DDT using the barrier. Retard in the crowd chanting for Sabu, he's fired you hick! Orton leaves, and RVD has a serious concussion apparently. Nice balanced send-off anyway. RVD stretchered away Orton cathces a beach-ball, we're done.

 

Mcmahon promo. We're ending Lashley, please do. PLEASE! Vince is having a premonition, slow-eating cancer ok. Not the match, if it's Trump and he comes back I riot.

 

CM Punk, Sandman and Tommy Dreamer vs Marcus Cor Von, Elijah Burke and Matt Striker

 

Tables Match

 

Gimmick overkill anyone? And of coure CM PUNK is on the team of people who are open alcoholics and sex-a-holics. We all have separate entrances for some reason, The New Breed's titantron is playing behind Punk, that makes sense. New Breed, damn that's a bad theme. Matt Striker's pulling up the rear, thanks Tazz.

 

Dreamer and Cor von. Basic start-up, Striker distracts Dreamer. Double underhook suplex. Burke is in, knee-drop, but misses a flying elbow. Dreamer bulldogs, here comes Sandy flapjack, Striker gets an armdrag, Punk is in, knee and awesomely sold bulldog.. Sideslam elbow drop combo and we're with Dreamer. GET THE TABLES! As 3D cry silently about how they are forgotten. Punk planchas Cor Von. Burke decks Sandman, flying clothesline by Punk. Sandman canes people. Table moved out of the way of Striker suplex. Targetting Punk now, whip to slam to handstand elbow by Elijah. Dreamer saves Punk from table. Sandman falls off the top rope! Sit-out spinebuster on Dreamer. Punk enziguris Burke. Alpha Bomb on Punk!! Cor Von looks like he's goin to try and moonsault? Sandman caves him. Dreamer piledrives Burke, and Punk superlexes Striker onto Burke through a table!

 

Greta finish, and fluid match but a bit short.

 

3.25/5

 

 

ECW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

 

Vince Mcmahon (C) w/Shane Mcmahon and UMAGA vs Bobby Lashley  w/bad promos

 

Street Fight

 

Joey complains about the possibility of interference, come on it's extreme rules dammit!

 

Lashley planchas Umaga,......and botches. It's the effort that counts. Shane starts the punching. Clothesline, gorilla press out of the ring. Lashley pounds mcmahon. Shane decked again. Umaga pushes, kicks, Lashley dodges splash. Lashley has a chair! And drops it..... Umaga stops Dominator, OK I want Lashley in a Dominatrix gimmick for no reason now. It'd be more interesting than now!. Chairshot, Mcmahon lariats. Samoan Headbutt, choking, choking on the floor. Choking with bell hammer, kicks, choking with wire Lashley looks like he's crying, AWESOME! Samoan drop kick-out. Mcmahon spears Lashley, kick-out as the crowd boos, heheh. Choking, it never gets old. Umaga goes to spalsh Lashley and gets Vince somehow. Umaga and Shane tossed. Chair to Vince, and a load more, Vince gets dominated, Umaga pulls Lashley and a kick in the throat, splash off the apron. Crazy Shane elbow through table! ECW team your broadcast is over, and Lashley kicks out. Lashley is now the terminator apparently. Oh and Ass-Crash. Coast to Coast misses Lashley and hit Umaga. Spear to Shane, spear to Vince. 1-2-3 Vince's title reign did nothing. Yay.

 

Spotty, but considering I dislike both Vince and Lashley in ring not that bad.

 

2.75/5

 

Lashley spears Vince again.

 

“He speared Kenny(dy Mcmahon) you BASTARD!”

 

World Tag Team Championships

 

WGTT vs The Hardyz (C)

 

Ladder Match

 

This should be good. We start with generic brawling and screaming girls. Double suplex on Haas and a combo on Shelton. Haas takes them both down. 4 ladders borught in, standoff, Hardyz dropkick the ladders into WGTT. Cool. Haas gets sand-wiched by 3 ladders, Shelton and poetry in motion. Jeff chucked off ladder. Electric chair on Haas. Hardyz up the ladder, Shelton forgets to stop them, Hardyz clutch vainly at the titles in front of them until Shelton wakes up and chucks a ladder. Matt slammed on a ladder. WGTT go for a double roll through thingee into the ladder, botch big time and Jeff has to basically walk into a ladder. WGTT off the ladder. Shelton whiffs a drop-kick onto a ladder. Botch number 3 off him. Mercury set up with the ladders. Both are hip-tossed onto them and almost nails Jeff in the face. Now we get the big ladders, who says size doesn't matter? White people talking to black people, that's who. Haas suplexed on ladder Shelton counters but is backdropped onto it instead (The ladders propped up lie at MITB this year) Jeff goes to put Shelton through the ladder but Haas germans him off the top. Side Effect. T-Bone on Jeff. OK now Haas puts Matt on a ladder held perpendicular to another and now shelton jumps off a ladder in the ring onto Matt's back. Basically their leapfrog move but bigger. However I do question shelton's logic of jumping 15 feet onto his groin...bit silly that. Haas suplexed off ladder, he's just getting beaten here and sells it like napalm. Shelton goes to springboard into Hardy, botches it and hits a strange dropkick instead. Botch 4, but a good recovery. Shelton now gets crotched. Two ladders side by side. Both temas up, Shelton thrown all the way out through the ladder outside, and Haas gets Swantoned-yeah that's a word. Matt gets the belts. Applause all round. Great match even with botches.

 

4.25/5

 

Kane vs Mark Henry vs My Sanity

 

Lumberjack match

 

Basically the lumberjacks are all the mid-carders, Benoit gets a big pop, Kenny gets absolutely no reaction. Stevie piggy-backs on Balls...and that didn't sound sexual at all. This won't be pretty, Kane gets tossed, nobody touches him. I hate Cole.

 

Cole: I think Henry may have the strength advantage

 

JBL: He's the strongest person on the freakin' planet Michael

 

Thanks JBL, go soap a few asses for that comment, I recommend the Miz, because he's annoying. Kane kicks Henry out, Henry beats up lumberjacks. And again, Kane gets slammed on his back a few times, post, apron etc. Henry is T-rex right now...T-rex ain't that fat. Elbows to kane's back. Henry has a brain! Yes I'm recapping the commentary, the action sucks. Slam. 2 count. Kane has never been man-handled like this, cliché, what cliché? Henry hugs Kane to death, maybe he's trying to drown him in his sweat. Damn I'm loving Venis' over-reaction, Benoit just doesn't care. Henry's now a boa-constrictor, his back is a bill-board and Edge is a piranha. Enough with the metaphor! Kane planchas everyone . Top rope clothesline. Chokeslam, Chavo and Dykstra beat on Kane, Dykstar gets chokeslammed. More deadly hugs, it's over??

 

WTF! Crap finish, crap match Kane did the odd good thing. JBL compares Henry to Bruno Sammartino, I die a little inside.

 

0.75/5

 

Santino and Maria backstage, Maria loves Italian and pudding! Maria gives a great promo (ish) quite funny and kisses Candice. Santino loves America, but does be love DOUBLE DOUBLE E? That is the question. Oh and I forgot someone needs to earn their paycheck.

 

DAMN!!

 

Thanks for that insight Ron.

 

Candice vs Melina

 

EXTREME Pudding Match

 

Sign in the crowd wanting pudding. We're in swimming costumes Melina has goggles, classic. Crappy  pudding brawling in the chocolate pudding. Pin on the outside, Candice I think spinebusters Melina. Melina submits to avoid drowning. They're both covered in sticky brown and white liquid, if I had my way it'd only be...yeah you see where I'm going.

 

0.5/5

 

Maria and the referee get thrown in too, and Maria eats pudding off Candice.

 

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

 

Edge (c)  vs Batista

 

Steel Cage Match

 

Edge has come to life, you thought you knew him, I hate his pyro. Batista strolls out through his pit of danger and gives us another excessive pyro, then walks to ring, alone I might add. Edge goes for the door, DAVE stops him. Edge tries to climb out Teest stops him

 

Cole: How dare Edge try and run away!

 

JBL: And win the match?

 

Cole:Whimper

 

Damn I hate Cole. Edge tries to climb out The Animal stops him. Damn Batista getting all these people to help him, oh wait they're all him, whatever. Kick, camel clutch? The Animal is humbling Edge!! That said it won't be the most painful sex related experience Edge has had, rhymes with Rita. Clothesline, kickout. Edge kicks..and climbs, and fails. Northern Lariat by Batista kickout. Suplex, kickout. Batista goes to climb, Edge dropkicks him and a shoulder-block. Batista's stuck between Cage and rope. Edge gets through door, Batista drags him pack into the ring. Edge goes for the turnbuckle cover, DAVE blocks, edge escapes a slam, Edgomatic, Edge crawls to climb, fist-fight on the top rope, superplex to Edge. Cover, I'm not sure of the result here, there are so many people that get pinned with superplexes!! SPOLIER: Edge kicks out. Batista tries to escape, Edge drags him back in, fails but Batista goes for a splash and gets dropkicked instead of just y'know climbing out. Well animal's have low IQs. Batista  starts to feed from the power of small children but then refuses their autographs, spear countered to a shouldber-block. Edge slammed into cage, whip clothesline, black hole slam, which I am renaming The Pit of Danger Slam. Oh yeah kickout. Edge dropkick countered, slingshot, roll-up 1-2-kicky. Edge thrown into Cage. Batista hits turnbuckle (exposed) Edge spears, kick-out. He can't believe it, develop a credible finisher and we might get something! Painfully slow climbing, throw-off, kick-out. Going too long now. We're going for the bomb, Edge scrambles for the Cage, he's spiderman! Apparently, thanks Cole. Batista drags Edge back over the lip, lowblow, times two, crotched on ropes. Even the steroid shrivelled danglies felt that. Edge climbs for the exit, Batista goes for the door. Yokuzuna finish!! Batista gets his foot caught in the door, Edge wins. And runs away as Batista tries to beat him up, Batista cuddles the title he can't have. And now throws a temper tantrum, way to get face support mate.

 

Good, bit long but much better than JD.

 

3.75/5

 

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP

 

John Cena vs The Great Khali

 

Cena's back to being a rapper as hip-hop obviously beats out the USA army... Khali is still Indian and his height is apparently over 7 feet tall, no inches though way to go accuracy. Cena gets two distinct tones of reception, high screams and deep macho boos, meh whatever, he's controversial etc. Let's get this over with.

 

Thigh kicks from Cena. Khali knocks him down. Oh Noes Cena can't use his oh so destructive submission! Anyway, Khali pounds on Cena, alot. Big boot. Heel kick, that didn't obviously miss... Slam. Leg drop missed properly this time and a throwback. Top rope. BRAINCHOP! And bitchslapped off the top. 2 count. Punches from Cena, Cena eats step, Cena eats monitor. Well you need your iron intake. BRAINCHOP, blocked and Cena thrown over rail. Whip into equipment, monitor shot to Khali's face. FU stopped. More bad offence from Khali. Camera boom to Khali, 2 count. FU blocked, gorilla press onto crane. Chokebomb blocked by eye rake, Cena FUs Khali onto a crash-pad I mean solid concrete!!! 1 2 3. Good match for Khali, picked up at the end.

 

2.5/5

 

Well well that's a pay per view folks,it varied immensely appalling contest between Henry and Kane but a decent ladder match, fine cage match and nice enough tables and stretcher matches too. The other championships had fair matches and the pudding match was what it was. For an appalling card this actually gave us some good entertainment so I say a thumbs up, definitely beat judgment day.

 

SEND FEEDBACK TO STEPHEN BAILEY

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).