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TNA LOCKDOWN 2007
(04/15/07)
 
Neil Cathan signing in with the TNA Pay-Per-View RANT! A thing that hasn't been seen since June 2006. Ah, the good olld days, when heels were heels, monsters were monsters, and Russo was NOWERE to be seen. The three might just be connected. Anyway...ON WITH THE SHOW!

X-scape: Shark Boy vs Black Machismo vs Sabin vs Shelley vs Dutt for the X-Division Title.

Right, first three falls under pin/submission, last must escape.

Sabin gets a very strong heel pop, which surprises me. He just seems a natural face. Something about turns.

Sabin and Dutt start off, Dutt over powers Sabin, Sabin breaks out by eye rake. Dutt dodges chops etc. while running, and hits a rana follwed by armdrags, Sabin with Knees in the corner. Quick sunset flip gets two. Nip up, to tornado DDT bu Sonjay gets two. Goes for a monkey flip suplex, Sabin dodges, goes for the superplex, blind tag by Shark Boy. Jumping jawbreaker with knee, Shelley in, gets taken down, Shark Boy ducks a clothesline, hits a neckbreaker. Chops in the corner, whip reversed, Shelley meets forearm on a charge. Top rope rana, springboard dropkick. Shark Boy is doing great, but that's probably because it's the only damn match he gets in a year, and he wants to make the most of it. Sabin blind tags, Shark Boy jumps over Sabin, who's charge hits Shelley. Shark Boy is a house on fire, dodging charges, and redirecting the heels into each other. House on fire underwater doesn't really work sadly. Should have thought that analogy through. Shark boy hits a lot that I could catch, if I wasn't trying to recap at the same time. Gets some nice offense, goe for Diamond dust but isn't tall enough to connect, allowing the heels to take control and a Sabin leg drop gets a pin from Selley. Randy Savage offense from BM. Dropkick to sitting Shelley, but double teaming from Shelley/Sabin who hits knee shots, a double arm bar, a double suplex and dropkicks. Dutt comes in with a plancha to both, but is taken down catches double football kicks, one from each side. Lethal takes everyone out. Shake, rattle roll on Sabin. Charge meets boot, headscissors. DOUBLE TEAM: Indian Deathlock while Sabin hits a dropkick. Awesome. Dropkick on Sabin, and Dutt dodges charges from both heels, springboard clothesline on Shelley and dropkicks to knees on both, enzuiguri on Shelley, standing mooonsault, balanced on ropes, gets two. Low Blow (sabin) into Cutter (Shelley). Sabin has BM in Strectch, with Dutt in Crossface from Shelley, reversed, Dutt has Camel Clutch, and BM has Abdominal Stretch. Set of kicks, ends with double enzuiguri gets two, but the Futureshock on Sonjay Dutt gets three. BM takes Sabin in the corner, clothesline on both. Backbreaker/flatliner on both. Top Rope elbow for three on Shelley.Enzuiguri on Sabin, Superkick.
Both men climb up top climbing down, and Sabin traps BM's leg in the cage to escape and retain.

Winner: Chris Sabin

Goddamn, that was hard to recap. I caught all I could, and I think I did it justice. There were some things I missed, but that went very fast.

Team Cage are backstage, and everyone's picking on Abyss. Put over how Team Angle came in seperate cars, but they came together. We learn that due to dodgy finish to last week's main event, Cage gets advantage, I'd just fire Russo. But that's just me. Just me and the entire IWC. Mitchell says that if AJ gets the shot, Abyss's mom goes to prison. That's just silly.

Williams vs Roode.

GREAT. Williams match, so MORE fast offense I can't really recap. Here comes Bobby Roode, who shouts at at Eric, who's accompanying him with Tracy too.

Willaims and Roode brawl.Flapjack attempt is reversed into a rana by Willaims who is in control. Dodges a charge, hits a jaw breaker. Tree of woe, chops, back drop attempt by Roode meets a kick, but Williams is sent into the cage. Clothesline and a choke on ropes. Choke in corner. Knife edge on Williams in corner, avalanche splash, more choking in corner, but a charge eats boot, Williams comes out of corner, takes a stiff clothsline. Jumping stomp on Williams, bodyslam. Second rope knee drop, gets two. And two again. Williams tries to fight back, but Roode takes control again, back suplex. RESTHOLD, and I can stop writing. That's why they call it a resthold, y'know. Williams back to his feet, Crucifix for two. Williams avoids being sent into cage, tries to send Roode into the cage, but gets an uranage for two.Tracy tries to hand Roode a hockey stick, but Eric stops it. Back drop, but Petey jumps to top rope, and springboards off for the rana. Fisherman for two, and some chops. Misses a dropkick, but luckily Roode doesn't sell. Spinebuster from the hoss gets two. Roode on ropes, shouting at Eric to give him the stick, roll up by Petey gets two, Spike DDT gets two. Williams is given the hockey stick by Eric. Shot to midsection, and running shot to face. Hebner throws the hockey stick out of the cage, dodges a Roode charge, letting Roode taste Cage. No, not the champion, though I undertsnad your confusion. Destroyer turned into an alabama slam, followed by the fisherman suplex by Roode for three.
Roode pushes Eric around. Bully.

Winner: Bobby Roode

Kurt and Rhino get in each other's faces. Rhino tells him he can frgive the stupid chocie of fifth man, but Joe, well ANgle should talk to him alone.

Jackie Moore vs Gail Kim.

Considering that both Gail Kim and Christy Hemme are both appearning in movies, I kinda want to see them feud with Ace Steel and Danny Dominion, so we get Hollywood Hotbodies vs Hollywood Hardbodies. I'm weird like that

Brawl on outside, hiptoss on ramp, sends Jackie rolling down the ramp, Jackie whipped into the Announce table, then the guardrail. Gail Kim is thrown onto Mike Tenay, who looks happy. In his pants. Nice kicks from Gail Kim, who destroys Jackie outside, before throwing her into the cage. Rana on Jackie, dropkick, flipping armbar, but Gail loses momentum after a hotshot. Jackie with an overhead German. Suplex gets two, and Jackie climbs the ropes, but Gail stops it, Kim up top, sunset flip from middle rope, gets one, and Jackie hits a clothesline, and stiff kicks. Cinlock (Shades of Orton), Kim ran headfirst into the cage. Forearms, lariats, and god I miss seeing Gail Kim wrestle. Missle dropkick gets two. Both by the cage door, trade elbows, and Gail Kim slams the door in Jackie's face, closes the door, and hits a plancha from the top OF THE CAGE for three. Hopefully that match will persuade TNA to do something with their Women's division.

Winner: Everyone who wants to prove that there is good Women's wrestling out there. Also: Gail Kim.

J.B Backstage with Backlund. He says something that I'm sure is inherently hilarious. But I just don't care.

Senshi vs Austin Starr.

Trivia Time: Both Low Ki (Senshi) and Austin Aries (Starr)
are former RoH world heavyweight champions.
I loved their earlier matches, and I can only hope this lives up.

Collar and elbow tie up. Starr has Senshi in the corner, Backlund breaks them up, and Aries takes control. The commentators won't shut up about Backlund, with a possible great match on their hands. Chop and shoulderblock, and man, Senhi works stiff as all hell. Muta elbow gets two. More stiff chops, by one Mr. Ki. Starr just staggered, as Low Ki follows up with the hard chops. Starr takes Senshi down and follows with clubbing shots, and a back rake in the corner, back suplex gets two. Body scissors by Starr but kicks and punches from Ki, followed by a chop, but gets the ribbreaker for two on a charge attempt. Pendulam Elbow follow up, and tries for the Crossface Chicken Wing. Low Ki with his kicks, Senshi goes for a springboard, but takes a powerbomb, Senshi kicks, but is put in a leg lock. Senshi reaches the ropes, and Backlund breaks his hold. Both men trade some great shots. Flying forearm, running forearm, corkscrew kick, springboard leg lariat, and chops backdrop into the cage. Koppo kick gets two. If RVD's feet are educated, Senshi's are Einstein. Kicks to Starr, who catches the foot, hits a knee breaker, throws him into the cage, and follows with a angle slam type move. Senshi avoids the brainbuster, but catches a dropkick. Starr with feet on the ropes on the pin, Backlund gets in his face. Senshi with a running dropkick, goes for the Warrior's way, but Backlund is sent into Senshi by Starr, who hits the 450, which gets two! Starr argues, allowing Senshi to roll him up. I WANT A REMATCH! That was all kinds of awesome.

Winner: Senshi and Everyone who got to watch it. Except Tenay and West who couldn't shut the hell up.

JB with Joe, who is angry that Kurt isn't telling him anything. Joe makes a career best promo. Sorry, I just sat there marking out, and can't tell you much. It might be on youtube or dailymotion.

Chris Harris vs James Storm.
Right, after four matches that I absolutely loved, we have a blindfold match. Way to bring the mood down. On the bright side, I can take a break from trying to catch everything. Or even caring.

Some ridiculous fan is staggering around in a blind fold. I want a blindfold, this will be AWFUL. Blindfold matches kill ALL credibility. Both men wear bags over their heads. False advertising, I paid good money for Blindfolds, not bags. Ok, sure I got this for free. But they should pay ME for having to watch this. I'm just gonna go on a tangent, nothing's happening. The bag looks like that one I make your mother wear when we have sex. Your mother jokes=same level of intellienge as this booking. Bot men stagger about blindly, resembling your mum coming home drunk. Fans chant "We want wrestling" Me too. For crying out loud, I'm resorting to mum jokes. The fans, who have been sheer awesome so far, are shitting all over this match. Senshi vs Starr probably got less time for this. Yeah. Some stuff happens, and Storm's hood comes off, as the ref places it back on. And yeah, that's pretty much all the action we've got. Fans break into "Bor-ing" chants. Storm pulls his hood off, but puts it back. I pity the match that follows this Heat Vacuum. I want this match in Seattle, so I can make a hilarious "Heatless in Seattle" joke. I may have spelt it wrong, but I care almost as little as I care about this match. Same "Brokeback Mountain" chant, but rather than the usual sign that the match is gathering good heel heat, the fans are just trying to find something to do. Storm removes the bag, superkick, pin.
Yeah, some stuff happened before, but I'm not recapping that garbage.

Winner: N/A

Hype video for Lethal Lockdown, and Angle talks to Sting backstage, telling him they're all on the same side. Sting says he believes that Jarrett has changed, but that if Jarrett screws him over, it'll be bad for both Jarrett and Angle.

Jerry Lynn vs Christopher Daniels: Metal Heads vs Emos.

Jerry Lynn out to the ring to a huge pop. Jerry Lynn and his inherent wrestling awesome should wash the bad taste from the blindfold match from my mouth. Out comes Daniels, who poses for fans w/cameras.

As Danisl gets in, Jerry jumps him, taking control in the corner. Daniels fights back, sending Lynn into the cage, goes running but eats the titlt-a-whirl backbreaker. Lou Thez Press, and a big backdrop on Daniels. Rana into the cage, followed by a dropkick, while Daniels is trapped between the ropes and cage, but he responds with a hotshot from outside, before throwing Lyn into the cage, before laying in rights. These two aren't clicking, I'm a 1PW fan, I know these two can have absolute CLASSICS. CLothesline and eye rake. Follow with a chinlock, and Jerry fights out and hits a roll up off the shoulders for two, headscissors, but Daniels returns with a perfect dropkick, and Lynn back against the cage. Daniels grabs the camera cable, and chokes Mr. Lynn. Back suplex, and a lionsault variant gets two. Abdominal stretch, and maybe it's the cage that's making them not click, or that it's Daniels return to the 6-sider? Lynn placed on the top rope by Daniels, and Lynn rolls out for the rolling sunset fip powerbomb. Running shoulderblocks, and corkscrew back elbow, before sending Emo in the cage. Mounting punches and a super-carana. Daniels pulled up, but hits a jawbreaker, however Jerry gets a float over DDT for two. A Lynn charge is stopped by a backdrop into the cage, and as he comes back in, he gets the running STF for two. Lynn fights back, and both men brawl in the ring, Lynn goes for the cradle piledriver, but Daniels escapes, hitting a uranage, and goes for the B.M.E, but Jerry is out of the way. TKO by Jerry Lynn for two. Both men on top, Daniels snakes Lynn in the flatliner position, slamming his head stiffly against the steel, before hitting a top rope flatliner for two. Lynn gets the air raid siren for two. Normally I'd love these two getting this long, but they're just not connecting. Lynn runs into a boot, and both men up top. Both men use the cage to avoid each other's finisher from the top, but Jerry gets crotched, and Daniels hits the Last rites for three.

Winner: Daniels

Not bad, but I've seen these two do a LOT better with each other.

JB is backstage with Team 3d, who are wearing their old WCW and ECW belts. He says the time for talk is over, and talks about how important the NWA belts are to them. I would like to see Team 3D get the belts, before NWA removes them from TNA, just for there to be a team with the WCW, ECW, WWE and NWA belts. Bubba puts The Funks over In "the words of their heroes Terry and Dory Funk "Funk You""

L.A.X and Konnan is being money on the mic, he talks really fast, and all of it is awesome. Konnan's money on the mic. The other two gets the mic, which kills it a bit.

TNA is making a huge deal of the dangers of this, but I've watched FMW and BJPW do exploding barbed wire cages, so this is no big deal compared. And they went much longer in there thn these guys will.

Team 3D w/defunct tag titles vs L.A.X w/o Konnan, w/o explanation for Konnan's absence

3D come out to the ring, to a respectable pop, as they are carrying belts they have won earlier in their career. Mike Tenay comes out with the history that the NWA World title has changed 16 times in St. Louis, but the tag titles have never. See THAT'S how a good commentator works.

The cage is locked, and the voltage is pumped into the cage. The commentators tell us that the cage is on an altenating current.

3D generically dominate L.A.X, and Bubba hits a german on Homicide, lights are out through the arena for some reason. Homicide chokes Bubba, but is too TINY to hit a DDT, so gets suplexed. 3D go for the Wazzup! but Hernandez slams D-Von off the top. Homicide tries to force Bubba to touch the cage. Hernandez has a chain in his hands, and strikes Bubba. Homicide accidentally touches the cage, and Bubba comes back with Hernandez's chain. D-Von's bleeding, but I didn't catch what from. D-Von gets an inverted atomic drop from big H, followed by a top rope leg drop from tiny h, who hit a double backdrop on Bubba. Face plant for D-Von, and Hernandez slams Bubba. Hernandez up top, but D-Von crotches him. Both faces hit superplexes. Bubba DDTs Hernandez, as D-Von clotheslines Homicide. Konnan is wheeled out. Person wheeling Konnan out takes out the outside ref, and Hector Guerrero attacks the wheeler, and pushes a rising Konnan back into his wheel chair. Hector opens the door, as Bubba tells him to "get him the fucking tables!" Table brought into the ring, but the time allows L.A.X to take control. Hernandez shouting at Hector, who slams the cage door into Hernandez's face. Team 3D hit the Dudley Death Drop for two. Homicide trips Bubba, and neckbreaker on D-Von. Bubba Ray hits the Bubba Bomb on Homicide, but a samoan drop by Hernandez for Bubba. Slam and top rope elbow combination on D-Von. Homicide misses a running dropkick, but hits Hernandez, allowing Bubba to get a running powerbomb for two. Clothesline from Hernandez gets two on Bubba. Border toss into the cage on D-Von. Loud buzzing noise that sounds very fake causes the fans to boo loudly, before breaking into a "Fi-re Ru-sso" chant. Bubba fights, taking out Homicide, and hitting a top rope move that looked like a leg drop, but the commentator's are calling an elbow drop. Pick your favourite, and pretend that's the one he hit. Whip reversed into a springboard plancha, but 3d manage to get the Dudley Device for 2. Hernandez takes both faces out, and sets up the table. D-Von on the table, and Hernandez puts gloves on, allowing him to climb to the top and attenpt a splash through the table, but D-Von escapes, and Hernandez is out of it. Homicide tries for a rana, but is caught and thrown into the cage, for fake electricity noises. Falls off, and into a waiting 3D attempt, but he's badly caught, so they let him go, and whip him for the 3d and a three.

Winners and first team to hold the big 4 belts: Team 3D.

That was a bit awful. You should actually deliver when you promise fans a freakin' deathmatch.

J.B with Angle backstage, who keeps whining about people criticisng him. Yeah, Kurt, stop being batshit INSANE, and we'll stop talking about it. Angle says that if Jeff Jarret screws Team Angle, he screws Kurt Angle, which would be bad for Jarrett. Angle has 90 something charisma in EWR, that's FAR too much.

Recap of the whole build up to Lethal Lockdown, and Harley Race will be the man in charge of the allowing entrances.

Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Samoa Joe, Rhino, Sting and Jeff Jarrett) vs Team Cage (Christian Cage, AJ Styles, Tyson Tomko, Abyss and Scott Steiner) Wrestler scoring the pinfall gets a title shot at Lockdown.

First two have 5 minutes until the next comes out, then two minute intervals.

Trivia Time: Rhino and AJ, who are on opposing teams were on the same team last year. Similarly, at last year's lockdown, Christian fought Abyss for the title, while they are now team mates.

AJ is Cage's first man, with Angle as the first man for his team.

AJ dodges a takedown from Angle, but eats an armdrag. Both men lock up, and Angle takes AJ down. Huge shoulderblock flips AJ over, and Kurt stomps him in the corner. Ribbreaker on AJ, and a european uppercut. AJ flips out of a backdrop, but his charges meets a casual lift and backdrop, followed with a bodyslam. Angle misses a turnbuckle charge, hitting the cornerpost, allowing AJ to take control with forearms and chokes. Snapmare and a chinlock on Angle. Angle gets out, and comes running, but eats a back elbow. AJ poses and stomps on Angle, but as he poses, Angle hits the Angle Slam. Abyss is out next and Kurt briefly beats Abyss down, but turns to check on AJ, allowing Abyss to hit the shock treatment. Abyss dominates Angle as AJ rests. AJ takes a turn attacking Angle, choking him and hitting rights. Out comes Rhino, taking out the heels, shoulder tackle on Abyss in corner, and one for AJ, followed by a bely to belly on Abyss and a gore attempt is met with the chokeslam, but Rhino battles out, and hits a jumping Shoulder block. Rhino with a catapult on AJ into the cage, and Kurt is back on Abyss. Double shoulderblock for Abyss. Tomko is out next taking out Angle and Rhino with hosstacular offense. Running powerslam for Angle, who Abyss chokes in the corner, wo figths back, but is shoulderblocked down by Abyss. Angle tries for the ankle lock on Tomko, but AJ breaks it up. Joe is out! HOUSE EN FUEGO! Clotheslines, running senton on Abyss, 2nd rope stiff kick for Tomko, and a uranage on AJ, followed by a musclebuster. Tomko gets a german,then another and another, and another, and another from Angle. That's five, folks.
Steiner comes out next, and dominates with clotheslines and Belly to Bellies. That's pretty much his entire repetoirre. Oh, Steiner surprises me with a top rope frankensteiner. Heels are in control. Sting is out next, who you may remember as that guy the show USED to be built around. Splash for Steiner and Abyss, folllowed by one that hits Tomko and Styles simultaneously. Sting gets his scream off. Big Spot sees Joe get AJ on the cage in belly-to-back suplex position, but Tomko and Abyss both wrap their arms around Joe's stomach, and as they struggle, along come Sting and Rhino, who powerbomb Tomko and Abyss, sending all 4 men down with a huge impact. Angle would be DEAD if he took that. Not that that's saying a whole world, mind. Steiner in the Deathlock. Cage is out next, who you may ALSO remember as that guy the show used to be built around. Cage takes all faces down, except Sting, who backdrops him. Stare down between the two, who fight it out. 6 months ago, Sting vs Cage would be a dream match, heat wise. Stinger Splash on Cage, and a deathlock. Jarrett comes out next w/curly golden locks and childlike smile. Dropkicks for all heels. The roof with weapons is lowered, as both sides face off, and go to the middle to brawl. Jarrett gets weapons and throws them to his teamates, except Angle, who's probably too confused to know what they are. Faces use weapons to control the match, but AJ comes back taking out everyone on the other team except Angle, who controls with two germans, before taking a low blow. AJ swings to the top of the cage, and Kurt follows. Mitchell passes Abyss thumbtacks, and Harley Race punches Mitchell out. Rhino gores Tomko THROUGH THE DOOR!. Angle and AJ brawl up top, and a chair shot sends Angle down, Steiner and Rhino go outside the ring, and Joe suicide dives onto Tomko. Abyss is the only man standing the cage, and he fills the cage with tacks, and tries to chokeslam J.J and Sting, who fight out and hit one of their own on Cage. Abyss's Black Hole Slam barely hits the tacks, but Jarrett is down nontheless. Angle throws AJ onto all the people brawling outside the ring. HOLY SHIT!
Abyss fills the guitar with Thumbtacks, but Sting stops him with right hands, and they tease Jarrett hitting Sting with the guitar, but gets Abyss, and motions for Sting to pin Abyss, which he does. Jarrett gets handshakes from his team, earning their respect. Angle walks, away, refusing Jarrett's handshake.

Winner: Team Angle (Sting wins a title shot at Sacrifice)

Wow. I'm not ashamed to admit, I really marked towards the end there. That overall was a god show. Senshi and Starr had the best wrestling match, and a very good spotfest brawl was held in the Main Event, with Jarret working surprisingly well as a face. The X match was very solid, if frustrating to recap, Gail Kim and Jackie Moore proved that Women can work, Lynn and Daniels put on a good match, but not as good as they can, and have had, so the only bad point was Blindfold, and the "Deathmatch"

I'll see you either next week, or next time someone needs a filler!
 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).