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WWE 2008 DVD Line Up
Written by
ElGringo.

Hey, WWE fans! Coming soon from World Wrestling Entertainment Home Video are some more sure-to-be DVD classics to spice up your collection. Bet you can't wait to get your hands on these red-hot discs!


THE ULTIMATE AHMED JOHNSON COLLECTION

Don't let the memory of this formerly fast-rising (and faster falling) superstar fade away into the pages of history. You can relive your favorite (?) moments featuring the Pearl River Powerhouse, including watching him nearly kill his opponents with unprotected moves, garbling through cryptic promos, getting the shit kicked out of him (almost literally) by Faarooq, or trying and failing to replace Booker T as half of Harlem Heat!


BURNED! THE BEST OF WWE'S MOST DANGEROUS AND RIDICULOUS MATCH: THE INFERNO MATCH!

Do you like your matches leading to one stupid spot involving Kane and fire? Do you enjoy seeing varying degrees of makeup used to simulate "first degree burns"? Are you the type that allows a match to seem "good" because there's a big-ass flame around the ring that is burning your judgment? Then this DVD is for you, as it contains ALL FOUR of WWE's Inferno Matches - a bout that you can only win by setting a protected part of your opponent partially on fire, using what has to be an insanely expensive burner system surrounding the ring. Order your copy now and receive a free Kane t-shirt that can be lit on fire (but will burn like any other t-shirt)! Please kids don't try this at home!


THE BIG SHOW: FRYING PAN HANDS & TYPEWRITER HEADS

WWE has another giant - the 7-foot, 500 pound Big Show! On this DVD, you will witness the true might of the largest athlete in the world! How you ask? Imagine getting smacked in the chest with a FRYING PAN! Or getting busted in the head by a TYPEWRITER! THAT'S what it's like to step into the ring with the Big Show - a man so strong that his body parts must be compared to household items just so your puny non-giant brains can handle the comparison.


JOHN CENA: UNF*CKWITHABLE

Your time is up, HIS time is now...with no end in sight! Bear witness to highlights from the former Doctor of Thuganomics (he traded in his doctorate to become a Marine) 2-plus years as WWE Champion! This DVD includes such items as John Cena making HHH, HBK, Chris Benoit, and Kurt Angle ALL tap out to the mightiest hold in wrestling - the STFU, not to mention clips from the only TWO times he's actually lost the belt (on after WINNING a match against six people, and one due to outside interference). Other than that - it's all Cena, baby - truly unf*ckwithable. Just like you wanted it, right? Word life.


DIVAS DO NOTHING (BUT THEY HAVE BOOBS)

We're done trying to convince you that we have these talent-less girls on the roster for any other reason that showing the flesh. No gimmicks, no wrestling, no angles - just boobs. That's all it's about. That's all it's really ever been about. They're here because their knockers appeal to our demographic audience, not because of their ability to do a Texas Cloverleaf. This DVD cuts right to the chase - they don't do anything, but they've got great chests! Narrated by Jerry "Mute Button" Lawler, this multi-disc set contains one thing - the ONLY thing you care about, and the only thing that really matters anyway - them boobs.


THE RISE, FALL, & BASTARDIZATION OF ECW

Witness as WWE Home Video takes you on a journey behind the ascension, decline, and "resurrection" of the ECW brand - you at home can now enjoy watching the Extreme Championship Wrestling you remember turned into a "brand", or rather more like an island of misfit toys where wrestlers that don't fit on the other shows can go and wrestle for a meaningless title belt. Vince rules!


FROM THE VAULT - SID JUSTICE

Deep from the annals of WWE history comes a collection befitting of all 10 of you Sid fans out there! Check out some of the great highlights of the former WWE Champion's career, including Sid powerbombing Shawn Michaels, Sid powerbombing Bret Hart, Sid powerbombing Hulk Hogan, and Sid snapping his leg in half. This DVD will give you 10 classic Sid matches, but trust us, it will really only feel like two.


THE THURSDAY NIGHT WAR

The war that really wasn't a war at all, as WWE Smackdown was on a nationwide network and, at the time, was just as strong of a show as Monday Night Raw was. WCW Thunder, on the other hand, was where the "other guys" went to go be stars because the NWO didn't want to have to put anyone over, and eventually just ended up eating itself alive. However, since Vince = history, we're bringing you yet another example of why McMahon rules the world and any reason we can get to remind you that we've always been the best ticket in town, we do it.


WASTING LIFE, CAUSING DEATH: THE GREAT KHALI STORY

Such a fitting caption for the one-of-a-kind Great Khali. This DVD tells a story of a huge lump of a man who never had any place in the ring, yet keeps finding a way to beat the odds and get push after push despite being about as mobile as a willow tree. It also makes mention of the tragic death of a wrestler after taking a powerbomb that was so powered by suck that it actually caused someone to lose the will to live. The story of Khali is a heartwarming one; letting every big hoss out there know that, if you believe in yourself, you too can go work for the WWE and waste people's time each week! Live that dream...

Originally appeared at TCSWrestling - your light hearted alternative to other wrestling websites. TCS Wrestling offers reviews, fan directory, fan gallery, satire, humor, and much more.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).