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GUEST
Guest Columnist 

Once upon a time in a land far, far away (hey! It is to me, okay! Screw you Americans! >_>), there was a man named Ted Turner. Now this man had a looot of money, and a looot of power, so he thought to himself "Why not enter this rasslin' business, it seems like a lot of fun". So he acquired the small Atlanta-based company WCW. In September 1995, our story begins…

MONDAY NITRO!! – The Lost Recaps
by Esben Evans

September 4, 1995
Location: Minnesota, Minneapolis


Ahhh, see this is the stuff, the original Nitro theme. One of the only truly great wrestling show theme songs. We're in a Mall of America (a mall!!!!?), and we start off with Eric Bischoff welcoming us. The original Nitro theme, AND Eric Bischoff, and I actually think the first ever Nitro is off to a good sta…OH MY GOD NO!

See this is where my memory sort of failed me, as I had completely forgotten that WCW was…well WCW, and WCW would be absolutely no way near WCW if they didn't fuck up BIG TIME…and Steve "Mongo" McMichael on colour commentary was officially the first fuck up, in the history of WCW Monday Nitro. Mongo kicks off by yelling something unintelligible about digging around in dirt and stuff, and I start to regret deciding to watch this almost instantly. But Bobby "The Brain" Heenan comes to my rescue. After a hard handshake between the two polar opposites of charisma, McMichael yells one of the funniest lines ever "Don't underestimate the power of MONGO!" Did he seriously think that was a good nickname!? It sounds like a name that a dumb, ugly, gorilla-like being that's being used for shady science projects would use…you know…opposite a dumb, ugly, gorilla-like football player turned dumbass.

Jushin "Thunder" Liger vs. Flyin' Brian Pillman

Well this should be a great match. One of the best Japanese wrestlers at this time, with one of the most dangerous sounding names ever (Thunder! LIGER!...Jushin? >_>) against Brian Pillman, who had apparently just returned at the time from a broken leg 4 weeks prior to this match, which is probably why this match is dragged down by a couple of serious botches.

Liger hits a cartwheel kick and Bischoff calls the move as if it was a fucking atomic bomb(HE HIT HIM RIGHT BELOW THE EAR STEVE! THE EAR!!!!!). It's worth noting that shortly after this point, Steve McMichael began verbally abusing Bobby Heenan by calling him Bobby THE STAIN! (Watch and learn, Lashley). Pillman botches a Hurricanrana (which Heenan semi-mentions) for a 2 count, and the two trade submission holds. Meanwhile Steve McMichael zings Heenan again by this time calling him Bobby HERNIA! (Seriously was Bischoff on crack when he hired this guy!!).

Pillman screws up a suplex to the outside, while Bischoff calls WCW "where the best live" and I get a freakish image of a couple of dozen wrestlers going to sleep under the ring, we were apparently still some way off from the classic "where the big boys play" tagline at this point. Steve McMichael continues to 'tard things up by first sounding like a gay porn director ("That's it kid! Give it to him, give it to him the way he wants it") and then calling Heenan, Bobby THE STAIN…AGAIN! I hate that guy >_>.

Finish comes after a pretty high paced ending that sees Pillman reverse a German Suplex attempt into a cradle for the 3 count.

WINNER: Flyin' Brian


We then see a Sting promo (BEACH BLOND STING!) who...well…says that he's better than Ric Flair…I guess he got his point across. It is followed up by a bunch of commercials for Slim Jim ("If you want something beefy and spicy, grab a Slim Jim"...yeah, that's not gay at all), the WCW Hotline (!!!!), Batman Forever – The Video Game, and an insatiable new fragrance for men >_>.

We are back, and it's time for the first ever "SEGMENT OF PURE HOGAN GLORIFICATION!!!"…in WCW Nitro history, and what a segment it is. It could be summarized with one word: PASTAMANIA!...'nuff said.


Sting vs. Ric Flair, WCW United States Heavyweight Title.


We get our first ever thinly veiled shot at WWF (Yeah! I said it! Thinly Veiled!) When McMichael says that " if you're not tuned in for this kind of action, you might as well watch…(extended pause)". Bobby Heenan opts to rag on the Weather Channel instead.

Just before the match, the first shock moment of WCW Nitro arrives (I have a ton of these ) along with Mr. Workrate himself, Lex Luger, marking the first official jump from one of the two big ones to the other in the Monday Night War (…see? Told you I had more). I would have preferred if Luger had jumped of a cliff instead, but you can't have it all now can you >_>.

Sting starts off in control by sending Flair to the floor, but Flair re-enters and gets some offence before making the huge mistake of trapping Sting in the corner and trying to punch and chop him down, IT NEVER WORKS! YOU ALWAYS TRY THAT YOU MORON! What's he gonna do next? Try and Powerbomb Kidman!?...wait…err…Wait a few years and then try to Powerbomb Kidman!?

This is basically a formulaic Sting vs. Flair match, at least from Flair's side, Sting uses the Gorilla Press Slam pretty much every minute which gets kinda old and repetitive…which ironically enough is the definition of what Sting is today. Arn Anderson makes his way to the ring, and he apparently had a "tiff" with Flair, making it unclear as to who he is going to help, if any. Steve McMichael meanwhile proclaims that he's "stupefied", if only I was so lucky Mongo.

Finish comes when Ric Flair applies the Figure-4 Leg Lock on Sting who then tries to turn it, Flair however grabs the ropes and refuses to let go resulting in a DQ.

WINNER, and still US Champion: Sting

 After the match Arn enters the ring and removes Flair's leg from Sting's. Flair and Arn then brawls out of the ring and up the ramp. Things then start to go crazy at the announcer's table when Scott Norton makes his debut by getting up in all 3 of the announcer's faces. Randy Savage then comes down and starts to yell at him, and the two agrees to settle it in the ring, which Bischoff refuses to let happen. We then get an ultra psychedelic hype video for Sabu (!!!!), it was pretty much like watching Sabu wrestle while stoned, and then smoking some weed yourself.

First ever time that "Mean" Gene Okerlund is doing one of his monologues in the history of Monday Nitro (I promise that was the last one). He claims that he was able to buy 10-acres of land in Minnesota for 17 grand in 1953 when he was only 8 years old…what the fuck are you talking about you senile old bastard!? You make Steve McMichael sound competent with a microphone!! Anyway, someone from Alabama has apparently won a Harley Davidson, sadly his name was not Bob Holly…and that was apparently what he was there to do. We then get a promo from Mr. Wallstreet (WWF's I.R.S.) who's gonna make his debut…at some point, he didn't say.

 Hulk Hogan w. Jimmy Hart & 10.000 SCREAMING PASTAMANIACS! Vs Big Bubba Rogers w. tie, WCW World Heavyweight Title Match

Big Bossm…I mean Big Bubba Rogers against Hulk "PASTAMANIA RULES DUDE!" Hogan for the World Title? Gee, I wonder who will win >_>. Before this match McMichael decides to call Heenan, Bobby the Stain for the 3rd time tonight...what a douche. Bischoff announces that next week we'll see Randy Savage vs. Scott Norton, that'll be swell. This was apparently at the time of where Hogan began feuding with the single silliest wrestling faction of all time, The Dungeon of Doom (the Shark, Kamala, "Taskmaster" Kevin Sullivan, and Meng with the golden spike (!?), and of course, Big Bubba).

 Hogan and Bubba starts off in this fast paced match…no wait…they actually start off by circling around each other, exchanging head locks AND awkwardly bumping into each other. Meanwhile Bobby Heenan, finally having had enough with the Mongo tormenting decides to fight fire with fire by calling him…McNuggets…FOR GOD'S SAKE NO BOBBY!! DON'T STOOP TO HIS LEVEL, HE'S NOT WORTH IT!!

 Bubba takes it to Hogan with a flurry of punches and a splash in the corner. McMichael proceeds to utter one of the sentences I NEVER thought I would EVER hear. "Bubba is a brawler, pure and simple, HOGAN IS TOO MUCH A TECHNICIAN TO LET HIM TAKE ADVANTAGE!!!". Hogan proceeds to prove this point by bashing Bubba's head repeatedly into the top turnbuckle.

Best bit of this match comes when Hogan mounts Big Bubba and pummels him with closed fists, prompting the referee to PULL HOGAN'S HAIR! Understandably, this sorta breaks Hogan's attention and Bubba gains the upper hand. Bubba then makes the mistake of going after Jimmy Hart, which upsets Hogan (You DO NOT mess with a Pastamaniac, Dude!) and ends the 50 seconds of offence that Bubba had.

 McMichaels and Heenan begin to argue…again...and Mongo calls Heenan, Bobby Hernia…again, as Bubba hits a Sidewalk Slam (his finisher) for a 2 count. Finish comes after a Hulk-up, a Big Boot, and a Leg Drop.

Winner, and NEW WCW World Heavyweight Champion (just kidding): Hulk Hogan

After the match, Hulk Hogan is attacked by the Dungeon of Doom, but Lex Luger runs out and helps him clean the ring. The two stand face to face as Savage and Sting runs out to separate them. We cut to commercial and when we return, we have "Mean" Gene in the ring with the other 4 conducting his first ever interview on Monday Nitro (okay, I lied). We now get to hear the amazing promo abilities that Luger has as he tells us why he's here. Apparently it's because Hogan has the WWC (that was not a typo) belt. He says that he's sick and tired of playing with kids, he's here to play with the big boys (…wait…the tagline originally came from Luger!?), and that he doesn't care whether he'll get his title shot next week, in a month or in a year. Hogan says that he doesn't have to wait till next week, or next month, he just need to shake his hand and then he'll get his shot next week…wait, what?...anyway, the match is signed to next week. The show goes off the air with Steve McMichael talking to his dog (!?) who he apparently had with him the whole time, and we're done.

Aaaah, that's why WCW was great: Well, the opening match was pretty decent, and Luger appearing was surprising, something you don't see that often anymore.

Aaaah, that's why WCW went under: Steve FUCKING McMichael >_<

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).