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WWE Creative Team in Action 4: This is a Test, a Drug Test.
 
[The following was originally written last March at Wrestlecrap Forums.].
 
Vince: Welcome everyone to the first ever ALL employee drug test. Here we will be testing for any performance enhancing drugs such as any form of anabolic steroids, human growth hormones, etc. We will also be testing for non-prescribed drugs, narcotics, etc. NO EMPLOYEES ARE EXEMPT FROM THIS TEST!

Jake Roberts: Could you explain further?

Vince: Sure, the type of narcotics we will be testing for are Crack, Cocaine, Barbituets, Downers, Tranquilizers of any sort, ecstasy, acid/LSD, Heroin, Amphetamines, Marijuana.

(RVD drops his glass bong mid-toke, and it shatters on the ground)

Vince: Now, I want everyone whose name isn't Vince McMahon, Stephanie McMahon, Triple H, Dave Batista, Randy Orton, Chris Masters, Rey Mysterio, Edge, John Cena, Bobby Lashley and Scotty 2 Hotty to proceed into the testing booths where you will do your best R Kelly impressions into the cup.

Paul London: But, I thought you said all WWE Employees are to be tested, so why are you guys exempt?

Vince: BECAUSE I AM VINCE MCMAHON DAMMMMMMN-IT!!!

Scotty 2 Hotty: Vince, does this mean you like me??? AM I FINALLY GOING TO GET A PUSH????

(Vince and Co. laugh their asses off at Scotty)

Scotty 2 Hotty: What's so funny??? I mean you mentioned me being exempt from the drug test as well as Triple H, Batista, etc.

(Vince and Co. continue to laugh their ass off at Scotty)
Vince: No, you see I didn't mean when I mentioned your name that I was going to give you a push, it just means that you’re now unemployed...

Scotty 2 Hotty: Unemployed? Is this an April Fool's joke? (Nervous Laugh)

Vince: No it isn't, I have tried to fire you over the past 4 years, but I have always been too busy... In short, every dog has its day unless that dog's name is Scotty 2 Hotty! So without further a do, YEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR FIRRRRR---- (Vince Tears Both Quads)

Scotty 2 Hotty: I am still employed! It's a miracle!
(Scotty worms out of Titan Towers)

------10 Minutes Later------

Shelton Benjamin: Hey Snitsky how do you think you did?

(Cuts to Snitsky punting a baby across the testing room, accidentally knocking over several cups)
Snitsky: Oh, I think I did alright, I switched cups with someone else, and if it is your cup I switched mine with, IT WASN'T MY FAULT!

Spanky: Hey Matt, what do you think will happen if somebody tests positive, I mean what would you do if you tested positive?

Matt Hardy: I WOULD NAH DAHHHH, I WOULD NAH DAHHHH!!!! VEHHHHHHH ONEEEEEEE!

Spanky: Okkkkkkk.....Have fun with that!

Big Show: Hey Tomko, how do you think you did?

Tomko: Well, I uhhh... I really don't kno-----(Tomko slips and falls on his ass before he can finish his sentence)

RVD: Dude, what did he say?

(Lex Luger busts through the wall and screams in the face of RVD)

Luger- I DON'T KNOW?!?!?!?

(Luger then quickly leaves)

RVD: Man I must be trippin' balls, I thought I just saw Lex Luger bust through the wall!

--------------------------RESULTS------------------------

Shane: Alright, the results are in!
First up, RVD, ummmmmmmm..... (shocked) came back negative for everything we tested for.

RVD: I told you I don't do drugs anymore!
(Pulls out a pipe, and lights up a bowl)

Shane: Next up is Gene Snitsky, and (even more shocked) HIS SCANS CAME BACK NEGATIVE TOO?!?!

Snitsky: IT WASN'T, UHHHHH WAIT IT WAS MY FAULT??? IT WAS MY FAULT, THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT?!?! SYSTEM OVERLOAD, MUST TERMINATE PROGRAM!!!!
(Snitsky's head explodes)

Shane: Uhhhh okkkkkkk..... The next person up is Kurt Angle, and his results came back clean!

Kurt Angle: OHHHHH IT'S TRUE, IT'S DAMN TRUE!

Shane: Shawn Michaels, his results came back clean....

Shane: Eugene, his results came back...... Well it seems we never got a sample from Eugene, so------ (Before he finishes Eugene starts peeing on somebody)

Shane: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?

(Eugene stops)
Eugene: Well, uh Vince ummm said he wanted us to do our ummmm best R' Kelly impression, and I was following his ummmm, (stutters) instruc...instruct....instructions!

Shane: (Screaming) He meant you were supposed to pee in the cup, you moron! The R' Kelly reference was a joke!

Eugene: VINCE IS FUNNY AND SOMAS ARE YUMMMMY!!! THAT RHYMES, YEAAAAHHHHH!

Shane: (Sighs) Back to rehab...

(Eugene is escorted back to rehab)

Shane: Ok, now that we have that under control, Mickie your results came back.......Positive for HGH, 3 different types of anabolic steroids, and 11 illegal types of back cream used to prevent breakouts.

HHH: Hmmmm, I always had a feeling she was on the juice.

Shane: Mickie you are suspended 30 days without pay!

(Mickie is escorted out)

Shane: Ok, next up is CM Punk... who came back positive for Marijuana, LSD, ecstasy, and Horse Tranquilizers.

CM Punk: But I am straight-edge?!?! How could this happen?!?!

(CM Punk is being escorted out, and he passes several superstars on the way out)

CM Punk: RVD?!?! DID YOU SWITCH CUPS WITH ME?!?!

RVD: Noooooooo, dude!!!! (laughing) You need help, you have a problem...

CM Punk: RIKISHI?!?! DID YOU SWITCH CUPS WITH ME?!?!

Rikishi: (Monotone and very bland) No, but I ran over Stone Cold. I did it for dah Rock, I did it for dah people…

(CM is being escorted out of the door and is throwing a fit)

CM Punk: BUT I AM STRAIGHTTTTTTT EDGE!!!!!!!

(Edge looks at him funny)

Edge: Are you implying that I'm gay?!?! Now, I am going to screw your girlfriend!!!

CM Punk: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!



THE END

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).