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That's what the half-human, half-digitized (ALL MARINE) John Cena tells me in the commercial for Smackdown vs. Raw 2007 video game commercial (that I've seen about 73 times now and every time I hear Batista say "I had to start at the bottom, and work my way up" I just want a stray RPG to hit his house). Personally, I've played this game - and it's not bad. However, there are a few features that should have been implemented in order to make this gaming experience more like the experience you receive while you're enjoying quality WWE television programming; to better help you "live it", as they say....

The New Five Moves of Doom When you're wrestling against John Cena, if you hit your finisher and are about to win the match clean, no matter how bad you've kicked his ass, a cutscene will automatically play showing him suddenly hitting the five moves of doom and making you tap to the STF-U (which I call the "Machine Gun Face").
THE ROLL UP! After you get a stored special icon and gain another finisher, instead of stealing your opponents finisher or hitting your "super dirty" move (depending on if you're fighting dirty or clean) you instead can use the two specials to unleash a MIGHTY school boy rollup that is im-fucking-possible to kick out of (as seen on TV). If you're fighting dirty when you do this, you'll pull the tights.
SAME OLD SHIT! To win the General Manager Mode, instead of booking a quality show, you just have to book the same matches each week to gain higher ratings th....wait, you say that's how you actually have to do it in order to win? Well all be damned....
When playing season mode, if the wrestler you're playing as is on Smackdown and is beating all opponents and rising to the top, that wrestler will suddenly be transferred to Raw.
The King is taking a nap When fighting a triple-threat match, if at any point a wrestler is thrown to the outside, they must repeatedly tap buttons for at least two uninterrupted minutes before being allowed to return to the ring and join the other two competitors.
Classic Shawn Beat down If you select a tag-team match while playing as Shawn Michaels, you will not be allowed to tag your partner in until you get a thorough ass kicking.
Time to face taker playa If playing as a heel wrestler on Smackdown during a season mode, you'd better be ready to inevitably face the Unda-taka, playa!
It's over You can't kick out of the Pedigree. No matter fucking what.
Its over You can't kick out of the Atomic Legdrop. No matter fucking what.
DAMMIT THERE GOES MY PUSH One of the storylines on season mode has you rising to the top of the WWE, but instead of getting a championship match, you get a match with Hulk Hogan that you can't win. Electro-Ego-Mania, brother!
I WILL LOSE When playing as Matt Hardy, you will not die. You'll probably just lose.
DAMN REF BUMP If you're playing GM Mode and you actually PLAY the main event on a Raw or Smackdown, it automatically ends on a ref bump.

Originally appeared at TCSWrestling - your light hearted alternative to other wrestling websites. TCS Wrestling offers reviews, fan directory, fan gallery, satire, humor, and much more.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).