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World Wrestling Entertainment Presents...
An Evening With Triple H

by Martin Ferguson


 Triple-H: Hello doomed souls of yesteryear. I am the Game, the King of Kings, etc., here to bury-


Paul Heyman, who is standing just off the stage Triple-H is on, whispers out to him.


Paul Heyman: Psst, Trips. This is the OVW seminar.


Triple-H: Oh right. Sorry, I thought I was having another WCW seminar. Forgive me, audience, or I’ll have Dad fire you. So, you doomed souls of tomorrow want to make it big, huh? Well, in order to make the main show, you must abandon all hope of being a big star. Hell, you might as well abandon all hope of actually appearing. Johnny Parisi’s been on the main roster for months and hasn’t made a single TV appearance. More importantly than that, you must learn your place.


Triple-H picks up a remote up off the podium in front of him and presses a button, causing the slide with his name, nicknames, and logos on it to change to a chart.


How Important You Are


Vince & Stephanie

The Clique

JBL and Bob Holly

Johnny Ace

Ric Flair

Kevin Dunn


John Cena

Katie Vick, God, Goldberg, Scott Steiner, Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero’s Ghost, Shane, Kane, Big Show, and Edge

Degeneration-X (except Billy Gunn)

Everyone Else (not just wrestling)

You and Billy Gunn

Rob Van Dam


Triple-H: As you can see, I am the most important being in all of existence, but I can assume you already knew that. Next is Dad and Fat Wife, followed by the Clique. Of course, JBL and Holly are the fourth most important things in existence as they turn boys into men and men into quivering piles of jello, followed by talent scout Johnny Ace, no relation to the Dynamic Dude of course, and then Ric Flair. Kevin Dunn, Batista, and Cena are next. Then there’s those who sort of suck but not really, then DX, and then everyone else, then you and Gunn then finally Rob Van Dam. Any questions?


A hand shoots up near the front.


C.M. Punk: I’m the most popular indy wrestler in the country, I have solid mikework and lots of charisma, and am an excellent wrestler. So why am I not on the roster yet?


Triple-H: Ah. Two key words in that question. First of all, indy is a bad word in the E. It is our opinion that if you’re not WWE, you don’t exist. This includes forces of nature and deities, as well as things such as oxygen and people such as the Pope. Secondly, perhaps more importantly, we are not looking for excellent wrestlers. We are looking for Superstars. For Sports Entertainers. In order to make the roster, especially in a high position, you need to work the Main Event Style. This encompasses brawling, cheap excuses for hardcore wrestling, backstage politics, weak-looking finishers, and lots of interference. Sure, some like Benoit or Edge have managed to change the rules a bit, but look at where they are now. And that charisma’s probably holding you back too. Anyone else?


Mike Mizanin: Why did my debut have to be postponed just because Palmer Canon quit?


Triple-H: See, there’s another good question. You see, Dad explains all of his decisions with the brilliant statement, “Because I’m Vince McMahon, dammit!” Hopefully you see the wisdom in this exclamation as much as I have. Anyone else?


Roadkill: Why aren’t any OVW gimmicks allowed to come in as they are?


Triple-H: Very simple. Steph doesn’t like Paul Heyman, and so anything he does will be changed for fear of causing her to throw a fit. Now then, on to other subjects.


Triple-H clicks a button on the remote, causing the slide to change to a diagram of all of the various Raw and Smackdown titles.


Triple-H: See this chart? This lists all the titles you have a chance of holding.


WWE Title: Out of your reach.

World Title: My exclusive property.

Intercontinental: If Shelton ever gets done with it, you can have it.

U.S.: I haven’t held it yet, so give me a run with it then it’s free-game.

World Tag: Open.

WWE Tag: Open.

Cruiserweight: Open, and most likely for anyone below 6 feet. Even if they’re not a Cruiserweight.

Women’s: Well, a man’s held it before so why not?


Triple-H: So you see, your best bet is to try for the Intercontinental, World Tag, or WWE Tag titles. Maybe once ECW gets underway a few of you have a prayer of winning something in the lesser of the lesser shows. Now then, turning my attention to the most important matter of all, and the thing all of you should take away from this venture, and that is that in order to be able to be on my level, you must accomplish several things: 1), compete under three bad characters in a row, two in one company and one in another. 2), join a faction and ride its leader to greatness. 3), take over the group and make it even better. 4), put your best into every match until they’re confident enough in your abilities so that you don’t have to try anymore. 5), put on weight so that you look bigger than you really are and are allowed to wrestle a ground-and-pound style. And 6), marry the boss’s daughter and leave your seed in her so as to now and forever rule the industry! No, none of you will achieve this, not here. But if any of you want to back down from the impossible mission of going over me, I suggest you leave this building and go to TNA now. I will turn my back and all who leave will be granted their releases with no ill feelings.


Triple-H turns around, and turns back five minutes later to find everyone in the building, including Paul Heyman, gone.


Triple-H: Must’ve been too impressed by my awe-inspiring presence! Hit it Lemmy!


Lemmy: Bow down to the... bow down to the king!

Pictures and logos created by Sean Carless.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).