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John Cena’s Next Title-Defense

by Martin Ferguson

 

In WWE’s next move to establish John Cena as the top babyface in the company, Vince McMahon and Creative have chosen the perfect opponent for him to face at SummerSlam, where it would surely draw even higher than Old/Older last year. For you see… John Cena will do battle with, in the vein of such classics as Jerry Lawler vs. Darth Vader in a Texas Death Star Match, one of the most mighty and powerful villains of all time. I have managed to get my hands on a layout of how the feud will progress.

The Beginning

The feud is to begin with Cena once again beating Edge, this time in a Let’s Once Again Sacrifice the Most Over Man on the Roster to a Man Who Makes X-Pac Look Popular match. Following this, Cena will be laid out by a huge masked man, who will be referred to by the announcers as the returning Giant Machine, the mysterious 7’6” masked wrestler from 20 years ago that nobody had the slightest clue as to the identity of. The next week, everyone will be blaming Big Show, believing him to be the new wearer of the mask. Show will be booked to challenge Cena that evening.

In the main event, Big Show will be up on Cena’s shoulders for an FU when the lights will go out. They’ll come back on to reveal a ninja in a green outfit standing in the middle of the ring with Cena and Big Show unconscious. The ninja will have one hand raised in the air, as a booming voice will blare across the intercom, “Flawless Victory.”

The next week, McMahon will commission the usual suspect to get to the bottom of the mystery: that hardcore legend turned commission turned exposer of Rikishi turned commissioner again turned unemployed turned commissioner turned unemployed turned jobber to Randy Orton, Mick Foley. Foley will go hunting in the back questioning suspects until at the end of the night Torrie Wilson finds Foley lying in a pool of blood.

On Smackdown the next, err, four nights later, the search will start anew with John “Bradshaw” Layfield being questioned by Teddy Long if he has anything to do with this, considering his history with all three of the victims thus far. JBL will answer that he would have no reason to get involved with their business now, and Long will be weary.

The Revelation

The next week’s Raw will begin with Foley, Cena, and Big Show together demanding something be done about this. Vince McMahon will then make out with Candice Michelle before announcing that Edge will challenge Cena at Vengeance on Sunday in a steel cage. Cena will for some reason be content with this.

At Vengeance, Cena will finish off Edge with his newest move, a Sharpshooter known as the ROFLMAO. Suddenly the lights will go off and they’ll come back on to reveal John Cena looking like he’s just gotten an old-fashion Blood Bath, and in the ring will be standing a man dressed as Shao Kahn from Mortal Kombat. What a surefire money-maker this will go on to be!

The next night, Kahn comes out and vows to dismember Cena at SummerSlam, because apparently taking the WWE title before the release of The Marine is equivalent to destroying the Earth or something. Triple-H will come out then, talking about how just because Kahn is the king of a fictional realm in a video game series doesn’t mean he gets dibs over the King of Kings. Kahn will then flatten Hunter with his War Hammer, setting up a Kahn vs. Hunter Sledge-on-a-pole match for Cyber Sunday.

Vince McMahon will come out next and announce Kahn vs. Big Show tonight with Cena as the guest referee, because apparently he can now book fictional characters into a wrestling match (oh wait, he did that at Backlash too. Everyone knows Chris Masters isn’t real! Well, most of him isn’t…). The announcers play up that Big Show will be facing a man even bigger than he is. The match will end with an End of WCW Swerve when Big Show and Shao Kahn join forces in beating the hell out of Cena, while Jim Ross screams the same thing repeatedly for 20 minutes and King tries to find out how much younger he can go before causing an Amber Alert.

The Resolution

Cena will come out the next week, presumably with the crowd on his side by this time because you don’t boo people who can save all of humanity from certain destruction. Cena will vow that he will keep this belt until the non-existent war flashbacks start in mid September. Kahn comes out and delivers a heartfelt message to Cena, receiving JBL levels of heat for being racist against humanity. That bastard!

This will all lead to SummerSlam where, after a 45-minute battle of epic proportions the world hasn’t seen since Hulk Hogan & Dennis Rodman took on Diamond Dallas Page & Karl Malone, John Cena makes Kahn submit to another new move, a Boston Crab known as the OMG. While John Cena celebrates saving humanity, an explosion rocks the building and John turns around only to walk right into the Walls of Jericho from a certain returning rock star. The audience will hopefully boo the hell out of the returning Jericho, starting a level of heel burial not seen since about a month ago.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).