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WWE: The Games
by Martin Ferguson

Given the success of the Smackdown vs. Raw and Day of Reckoning series, WWE has decided to work with other developers to create new, WWE-style versions of all your favorite video games. Here are just some of the exciting new projects from World Wrestling Entertainment:

God of Whore
Console: PS2
Rating: M for Mature

Mattos is a man who's spent the past year jobbing to get back in the good graces of Creative after committing a cardinal sin in telling the truth to his fans about a major incident he was involved in. As his last mission to win Creative over, Mattos is given the mission by Stephrodite of finding and killing the man who started the whole thing: Aredge, the God of Whore.

Says IGN: "God of Whore keeps the basic spirit of God of War intact, though the action moves much slower due to every one of Mattos' attacks requiring him to shout out "Version 1!" while raising three fingers in the air. Furthermore, the ending of Aredge murdering Mattos with a ladder just before tapping out to an STF from a guy not seen or mentioned throughout the entire game is not only a radical departure from the original, but completely nonsensical as well."

HHHarvest Moon: Motorhead Melody
Console: GCN
Rating: E for Everyone

Triple-H is a man who moves to the small town of Flower-Bud Village and starts a small farm there. Using a fine assortment of tools, Triple-H must make a mountain from an anthill and try to have a successful life while surviving the best he can.

Says IGN: "First of all, there is only one tool in the entire game: a sledgehammer. We were a bit confused by the fact that he did everything- from cooking to fishing to milking cows to watering and cutting down crops- with the one item, as well as the fact that Triple-H's farming rival- Rob Van Dam- not only never wins the shipping race, but also always makes a negative amount of money each day. Furthermore, the graphics are terrible except for Triple-H, who looks like a living photograph, and there are only five songs in the entire game: during the spring, Degeneration X's theme; during the summer, My Time; during the fall, The Game; during the winter, King of Kings; and while indoors, Line in the Sand. Add that to the fact that there is only one potential wife in the game and you have one of the most terrible games of all time."

Paper Maria: The Thousand-Year Crossword Puzzle
Console: GCN
Rating: E for Everyone

Maria is a normal interviewer on a late-night wrestling program, until one day she is mailed a package containing something lost for a millennium...

Says IGN: "We really don't see the resemblance between this and Paper Mario. The entire 20-hour game consists of Maria trying to finish a crossword puzzle. The only actually playing you do is pressing the A-button at the mailbox, and the rest is all one giant cutscene over three discs."

Splinter Hell in a Cell: Cruiser Theory
Console: X-Box, GCN, PS2
Rating: M for Mature

You are the Great Khali: famed destroyer of the terrorists that comprise an evil tactical group known as the Cruiserweight Division. Your mission? Work your way to the center of the Cruiserweight Division and take everything that gets in your way out.

Says IGN: "We really fail to see the stealth involved in running around crushing guys half your size. There's not even any real difficulty- you cannot be harmed by any enemy in the entire game with the exception of the secret boss the Undertaker. You can't even defeat him."

Nipple Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
Console: PS2
Rating: AO for Adults Only

You are Amy Dumas, one of the top infiltration experts in the world. Using your own brand of secrecy, you must not only uncover the truth behind a secret terrorist organization, but you must uncover your bra as well...

Says IGN: "This game is little more than a porno, and we will say no more for fear of throwing up... again."

The Lord of the Ring: The Third Generation
Console: X-Box, PS2, GCN
Rating: T for Teen

You are Randy Orton, third generation superstar who does what he wants, says what he wants, and shits in what he wants. Upon discovering a sledgehammer, you must venture forth and dispose of it before the Eye of Hunter gets his hands on it and uses it to bury you and leave you screwing around with the U.S. title for a year.

Says IGN: "First of all, wasn't Third Age supposed to be separate from the main plot of the Lord of the Rings? Secondly, Orton ultimately winds up failing, and the last time you see him in the game is in an ankle lock screaming like a little girl on national television while Batista, who was treated as a musclebound sidekick throughout the tale, not only succeeds, but beats the living hell out of Hunter after the resurrection. The last scene of the game is some old man strutting around and yelling €˜Woo!' telling Hunter he'll get him next time."

Console: X-Box, GCN, PS2
Rating: M for Mature

Jimmy Snuka gives a down-on-his-luck Matt Hardy a very special present. But can Matt use it before the vile Lex Luger gets his hands on it?

Says IGN: "The ridiculous plot and the idea that Matt is going through all this just so he can put a bullet in Edge's head with that certain gun seems a bit farfetched. Furthermore, the fact that the gun eventually finds its way into the hands of someone known only as Mr. Von Erich is a bit of a plot-hanger.

Console: X-Box
Rating: M for Mature

Rob Van Dam not only becomes the WWE champion, but he successfully defends the title against Triple-H.

Says IGN: "Considering the game ends with Triple-H waking up from a dream screaming at the top of his lungs, it stands to reason to say that the game is a bit of a let-down."

Pictures and logos created by Sean Carless.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).