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So with the NBA playoffs almost over, I have decided to go ahead and proceed with predicting the last 2 rounds and bury the sports talk in my column unless I have a particular juicy rant I need to unfurl out of my loins. This was more to do with me realizing that sports really doesn’t fit with entertainment (unless it is “SportZ Entertainment X” per TNA and Vinnie Mac), and an astute staff member confirming as such.

So with that being said, onwards to the second to last predictions for the NBA playoffs!



I FINALLY predicted one correctly! Yes! Start sending me your paychecks CCCHHHHUUUUMMPPPSSSS. The Lakers moved on past the Utah Jazz by telling them the first team to win 4 games would exchange vows with one woman, for the rest of their lives, on the wedding ring laden grave of Brigham Young. The Jazz, while not being Mormon, are athletes and the thought of being with one woman forever scared them into submission. San Antonio bored their way through a Game 7 with the Hornets with old fashioned gumption, leeches, and a trainer whose response to any injury is to “swig some whiskey, that leg needs to be sawed off”. Watching the Lakers come from 20 down to win the game was stressful and awesome, and seemed like the Lakers were toying with the Spurs, like the Spurs’ bladders toy with the Spurs. Lakers 4-3


Detroit is good. Boston is good. The winner? Who cares. This was supposed to be the match-up of the year (as their first meeting in the regular season was incredibly hyped) but the west has blown away the east in terms of drama and great series. I think Boston toyed with the Cavs and the Hawks to make the series more exciting. They failed because I don’t know anyone who seriously thought the Hawks or the Cavs had a shot. The finals should be fun though. Detroit 4-2


(SPOILERS FOLLOW) A few weeks back I had written a blurb about “The Office” and about how it has lost some of its muster by basically stumbling into the absurd. Characters became caricatures. Take a look at the early episodes of the show as well as the entire British series and you’ll notice the stark change that happened over the past year. You could imagine someone like David Brent running an office. He was a real character with his fatal flaws. He wants to be loved, and he’s funny but grossly inappropriate. Michael Scott is somewhat the same, but instead of being funny, he is just lame and inappropriate and definitely unintentionally humorous (see for example the “Casino Night” finale from Season 2 in which he says, “I’m going to drop a deuce on everyone”). He is subtly hilarious which is a testament to the genius of Steve Carrell. Ricky Gervais perfected the uncomfortable-ness of being an inappropriate person in the corporate world. The key to both of these was subtleness in their acting and the situations. The writers of both shows let the audience catch up on things that they wouldn’t maybe get right off the bat, instead of dealing with prat falls and obvious humor, as they had been for the past few weeks. With this in my mind I sat down to watch the one hour season finale.

No need to keep you in suspense. I thought the season finale was awesome. Things pretty much clicked as they had in the past and had enough “holy shit” moments to really make the finale seem special. Unfortunately the finale came at the loss for droopy faced and utterly hilarious Tobey, the direction the show is taking is new and interesting. Michael’s love interest storyline with the new HR person Holly (played by Amy Ryan from possible the best show ever, “The Wire”) is fantastic and will hopefully provide for some awesome and awkward moments next season. I also never considered that Kevin could be construed for a retard after this episode but it makes total sense. The big shockers came from Jan getting pregnant (and I STILL would do her) and Phyllis walking in on Dwight and Angela doing it, although Angela is visibly pregnant which makes me feel bad for that baby. The Jim/Pam, Andy/Angela thing is interesting and I am curious to see how it goes.

As far as negatives go, there were a couple. I thought the way they wrapped up the Ryan storyline was a bit weak and lacking, and I have no idea where this animosity came between Ryan and Jim (something about Jim talking to David Wallace behind Ryan’s back). It is not like the show to arbitrarily write in something that did not occur before as a main plot point and then just write it off immediately. It was a bit lame. The other thing that bothered me was that the Jim/Pam storyline didn’t really have any conflict besides him not proposing. If she is going to New York for the summer, they needed to have a bit more of a conflict I think. But that’s just me being a 50 year old lady watching the show with her cats.

All in all, a pretty damn good episode and I’m looking forward to next season, so that means the episode did its job. B+

In other Office news, there is word that for the Superbowl 2009, NBC is planning a spin-off show for the Office. So they will just go to another office and do another show I guess. This totally reeks of the brand split with the WWE and will NOT be good for the show. Not only will the quality suffer, but it will lead to “crossover” episodes that won’t really feel like that because they aren’t really crossovers. Wouldn’t the new show just try to take the old show and turn it on it’s head? Like having a competent boss, a crappy worker, an ugly receptionist? See I can write this stuff myself! But anyway, I am not looking forward to this, because it totally reeks like a turd, and of NBC just wanting to cash in on the show’s popularity. It will be “Smackdown” to Steve Carrell’s “RAW”


(Note that I never read any other movie reviews when I write mine. I go in this with strictly my opinion, so feel free to bash it as needed).


Nostalgia. It rings true for us all. We always think back with a fond remembrance of things past. Nostalgia inherently makes you feel better than anything that is currently happening in your life. It’s like a warm blanket that you wrap yourself in. It’s that camping trip that you took with your entire family. You spent the entire night chatting and reading ghost stories to each other, making s’mores; falling asleep to the crackling of firewood and the quiet that you only find in the forest. And then your uncle molests you. This is kind of like what the Indiana Jones series is like to me. You constantly remember the movies being fantastic and wonderful and when you re-watch them, you notice the campy lameness, and suddenly as the movies continue, the revelation comes to you like that night in the sleeping bags, and you feel violated. This is how the new Indy movie left me. I felt like I had been violated.

I wasn’t a HUGE Indy fan, but I did love the original movies. Who didn’t? They re-popularized the serial type adventure films that fell out of popular culture/viewing since “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre” and made you feel like you were experiencing something so new and exciting. You were transported to many different worlds and experienced and discovered ancient artifacts along with Indy. Using the Grail and the Ark as macGuffins were especially nice touches to the original movies. The villains always had the fatal flaw that they shared with all dictators that they worked for in that they were always working towards furthering the Nazi way, but when it came down to it, they were so selfish they always wanted the item for their own personal gain. As an Indy film, the “Crystal Skull” works. It is fun, it transports you to many different locations, the villains have the fatal flaw, and Indy is just cool (albeit a bit crusty). But this move takes such a strange transition, even for an Indy film, that it has left me basically going, “bwuh?”

PLEASE NOTE THAT SPOILERS FOLLOW…There are two things I’ll probably never know: 1) What the fuck is up with Steven Spielberg’s obsession with aliens; 2) Why does George Lucas constantly feel the need to tarnish storied franchises? I can probably answer #2, and that involves money, and the feeling that with better technology, it can make for more dynamic cinema. I will applaud Ford, Lucas and Spielberg for sticking to old school film making techniques, and keeping the CGI to a relatively low count (keeping in mind that this is a Lucas produced flick). Ford apparently worked his ass off in the gym, and it shows. For once, he actually looks alive. He plays Indy as a grizzled, smirking, older man who doesn’t let anything get to him. To say that he has simply matured is an understatement. Ford plays him as a character that has seen it all (probably including “2 girls 1 cup”), and rarely lets his feathers get ruffled. This leads to probably the most irritating conundrum the writers (Lucas for the story and David Koepp for the screenplay, who in his own right has hits and misses): how do you write a movie about a character who has literally seen Nazi’s face melt, met an 800 year old knight, seen more Nazi’s face melt, witnessed Hindu’s tearing out hearts of living people, and hung out with that asian kid from “The Goonies”? The answer: ALIENS! Print it! Another bald eagle omelet Senor Spielbergo? Si!

I could BARELY handle Indy surviving a nuclear blast at ground zero, early in the movie, while in a fridge because it was lined in lead. And I thoroughly expect lead stock to sky rocket in light of this. “You knew that lead could protect you from having Superman look at your saggy balls, but did you also know that lead can save you from a nuclear strike? You didn’t? Al Qaida! North Korea! Iraq! Buy lead, it will save your life!” Bullshit. But I let that go. I let go of the fact that the first 20 min of the movie are really worthless and unnecessary, but fun. But what I keep coming back to are the damn aliens. And Shia LeBeouf swinging with monkeys, which just so happened to me the epitome of lame. Not only did he share their same hairstyle (yes monkeys with pompadours) he then proceeds to swing around the trees like Tarzan on speed in one of the lamest visuals of recent memory. That was for sure NOT an Indy moment. Shia is a good actor and he generally surprises me with his solid performances (as in “Transformers” and even “Constantine”) but something was lacking here. He was good, but not up to his usual standards. Maybe he realized how much of a douche he looked like swinging with Monkeys. Anyway, back to the story.

On paper it sounds like a cool idea. Aliens helped the natives in Peru with their technology, spaceship is under the temples, and the return of a crystal skull that could lead to the road to El Dorado. The key (the skull) was supposed to lead them to the golden city and what not, and they would have discovered something cool, and another mystery of the world would have been solved by Indy. That’s a good movie ending, I think. Shit they could even have still had them replace the skull onto the alien and then have the ship rise up and fly away revealing in the process that the city of El Dorado was actually an alien spaceship, and as it flies away, it takes the commies with them, and the city disappears never to be seen again, but also proving that it existed, at one time. It’s a great Indy ending. Then they could have had the crappy wedding and everyone goes home happy, right? But that would be too simple. They had to have their twists. Instead we get that the “treasure” is knowledge: knowledge that plateaued at building a temple (basically a garage) for the aliens to store their space ship (keep in mind that these aliens are able to create multi dimensional gates). I think communists already had this knowledge, or maybe they didn’t which is why they collapsed and which is why Communist woman blew up from the alien sticking all of his knowledge up inside her (like Superman boning Louis Lane from “Mallrats”). On that note, how the fuck did a Spanish conquistador ever manage to steal the head of a crystal alien using sticks and spears versus the ever powerful “knowledge”?

Indy movies thrived at being simple and also during the conclusion of said movies, a conflict with Indy and his faith. This movie lacked it, which made the entire conclusion that much more lacking in drama. I guess it has to do with Indy being older and his faith not wavering anymore, but when the Oxly had said that the alien was going to give them a gift, how did Indy know that they gift was going to be bad? Did he not have any urge at all to know what it was, such as when he wanted to keep the Grail for himself at the end of the “Last Crusade”? Is he just at the point where not even finding a crystal alien skeleton, and a spaceship, and a portal to another dimension, will faze him anymore? He sure as fuck didn’t act like it. I guess that’s what happens when you’re forced to watch Calista Flockheart’s tailbone bulge while your rearing her: nothing fazes you after that!

Now, back to the movie. Don’t feed me any of this suspension of disbelief mumbo jumbo. I am totally fine with doing that, and have no issues with it at all. Indy movies always require this, and I have never had a problem with it, until they decided to take what COULD have been a simple, fun plot and twisted it for some unknown reason and added another dimension and knowledge killing the communists. There could be a metaphor in there somewhere but I really don’t think Lucas and Koepp are that clever. This was a good, solid, fun popcorn movie. But so was “Transformers” and “Iron Man” and those were more fun than this. There was just some cohesiveness and simplicity lacking in this that was present in all the other Indy movies. The unnecessarily convoluted their plot, and the beginning and ending seemed to show this. Lucas really should have stuck with my idea for a movie.



I was listening to my favorite southern California morning radio show and they had a fun topic of Indiana Jones vs. Han Solo. They made their arguments and decided that Indy wins based on the vote of one Kevin Smith (the director) who called in. The whole time I was voting for Han, so next column I will look at this battle and will do a series of versus columns on what I deem to be interesting. I know highly unoriginal, but it would be fun for me to mock stuff that piss me off. I welcome any and all readers to provide me with their suggestions as well. I will post a thread at the Wrestling Fan message board as well.

I know I said I will have a GTA 4 review, but if you haven’t read one by now, I highly doubt you are on the edge of your seat waiting for mine, so I will get that to you all next column. I will also have a list of my big annoyances in movies that characters do. So until next time, have your kids spayed and neutered.

Doctor Gonzo is The Wrestling Fan's resident alcoholic drug-dependent IWC superstar. As the inventor of both the Psychic Playstation 2 and the "Alcohol intake" rating system, his various works have been read here at The Wrestling Fan, along with 411 Mania.com and Inside Pulse respectively. He was also declared clinically dead two years ago.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).