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Greatest and Worst Comic movies Ever, Iron Man Review, and MORE .05.12.08

Welcome back to the column that keeps chugging along, like one of those cars in the Disney cartoons that is dying of exhaustion and requires the clutch to be pulled, only to strangle said car. Seeing as I have shifted my focus on what I write about, I decided an alliteration filled new title was needed, hence the above awesomeness.

This week I thought I would continue to focus on the NBA playoffs because what else am I going to talk about, as well as TV and movies.


The Primaries: Dominating the headlines, Hilary Clinton refuses to just go away. There is an article on Yahoo.com stating that Clinton is in this race partially because of her popularity with “voters without college degrees…gun owners [and] rural voters”. To summarize: Clinton exists only in this election “race” because of hillbillies. Is that really who we want taking part of the democratic process? These same hillbillies are the same ones who won’t vote for Obama simply because he’s black. The same article states that three out of every 4 voters exit polled, claimed that race played a part in their voting for Hilary. So you have stupid racist hillbillies. Forget the fact that Hilary is a closet conservative (which is probably a good thing in their eyes) do we really want someone running for the White House that the morons of America chose to place in the position. I know my argument is simply flawed because these same morons vote for the president as well, but seriously, if your campaign stays afloat on the backs of the democratic mooncalfs and simpletons of the world, you might as well kill yourself. And drop out of the election. In that order.

LOST and THE OFFICE: This is how I spend my Thursdays normally. I wake-up, masturbate, I get out of bed, go to work, masturbate, trudge through work, eat lunch, masticate, go home, masturbate, go to the gym, masturbate (there are some seriously hot chicks at the gym sometimes), go home, make dinner, watch the Office, think about how much better the show was 2 seasons ago, watch Lost, masturbate, and think about how confused I am by the preceding episode of Lost, go to sleep, masturbate. The Office, while it is the funniest show on TV still, by a relative long shot, it has lost some of its luster. The episodes have become more and more bizarre with some characters becoming caricatures and evens becoming asinine for the sake of just being strange (Toby hopping the fence after touching Pam’s leg in the previous weeks episode and then no reference of it anywhere in the following weeks). While I still would love to have Michael Scott as a boss and work in that office, the heart of the show as well as the realistic (that’s the key word) and genuine humor of the show seems to me missing.

Lost on the other hand has continued to cause me hours and hours of carnal passion due to the fantastic presentation and constant “What the fuck just happened” reactions mixed with understanding. This is the best season since number two, and the giant turd that was season 3 (well 3/4 of it anyway) while terrible, was wrapped up VERY nicely over the final few weeks of last season making this many consecutive weeks of TV orgazmo. The episode revolving around Sun and Jin get a special note for being fantastic, and touching (not in the “your uncle creeping into your room” type of touching, but sensitive touching). Lost is back on track finally and I can’t get enough, although I still have no idea what the fuck is going on…

The Office: B-, LOST: A-



Ok my predictions were terrible. Way off. As if I were drunk. Or high. Or that I work for ESPN. But what the hell I’m still here for my 2nd round predictions, and although we are already a few games in, I will continue to provide the predictions as needed for these series, because seriously does one game mean anything?


One game means everything. Phil Jackson has never, and Dr. Gonzo says NEVER, lost a series after winning game one. He continued that trend in round one when the Lakers completely dismantled a complacent and possibly buzzed Nuggets team, shattering any dreams that Carmelo Anthony and his tattooed collection of payroll wasters had of advancing past the first round. Carmelo Anthony is the Tracy McGrady of the past few years. Except more drunk. The Lakers look to continue Phil Jackson’s amazing feat after beating up on the Jazz in game one. I expect game 2 to be no different with Kobe receiving the MVP trophy and transforming into some sort of all powerful super-being. Much like Gannondorf whenever he is in contact with the Tri-Force. Utah does not have a prayer in this series, but keeping that in mind, the Lakers better learn to rebound the ball or they’ll end up at home playing with theirs. Lakers win series 4-2


What a surprise that there were no upsets in the first round. The biggest surprise took place during the regular season when not only the Lakers the number one seed, but the Hornets were the number two. The continued to play like it, dominating San Antonio like an orderly at a geezer freezer. They withheld their meds, strapped them to a bed, unplugged their dialysis machines, took their AARP cards and then pooped on their chests. Metaphorically of course. I was way off in predicting a Suns upset, but the Hornets aren’t the Suns (as you can tell by the spelling of the word Hornets). Chris Paul is an MVP in waiting, possibly next year. Hornets win 4-3


It took all of Lebron’s effort and 6 games to beat a 43-39 team. Unless Cleveland manages to clone a Lebron army from DNA on his sweatband, or they teach his 4 and 1 year olds how to run the pick and roll (probably to a better result than most of the Cavs), Boston will destroy this team. Atlanta took Boston to task with just pure effort and thug-like ethics. They had nothing to lose (except the series) and played like it. Like a geriatric (Tim Duncan) after some little blue pills, I imagine Boston will definitely be up for this series. Boston wins series 4-2


Detroit definitely was awake for game one of this series, clubbing the Magic with snideness and indifference. You can’t keep a superman down though and I imagine Dwight Howard will rebound in game two quite well. But in the end, it really doesn’t matter because the Pistons will take this series, setting up the inevitable Celtics/Pistons borefest. Pistons 4-2


I ran, man. I mean IRON MAN. That’s right…So Iron makes $100 million in its opening weekend and I managed to see it opening night. What do I think you ask yourself? You know giant piles of shit that smell and are just covered in flies? They just stink and you feel like vomiting not just from smelling it, but just from looking at it too? It looks sort of green and red, that you really hope isn’t blood, and is sort of runny too? Well Iron Man is the exact opposite of that. This is a fan boys wet dream. It takes everything out of the comic book and brings it to life in a believable and awesome way. This is the closest thing to the comic source material since the ORIGINAL Spiderman (not the shit that was Spiderman 3). When it was first announced, I thought Robert Downey Jr was perfect casting in just physical resemblance to Tony Stark, and he blew me away with his performance as well. I always knew the guy was a great actor, but I wasn’t too sre how he would take on the roll of a b level superhero, but he actually makes Iron Man cooler than the comic. Asshole Tony Stark in the movie was sweet, and a guy I would actually like to hang with, not just because he is boning Leslie Bibb, but because he just radiates cool.

The suit is sweet. The special effects are so good you never question them. Gwyneth Paltrow was cute and believable as Pepper Potts and Terrence Howard was sweet as the future War Machine. “The dude” was great in all his Ironmonger glory, except without a robe and without shades, and without long hair. Except for that, he is JUST like Jeff Lebowski.

John Favreau loves this source material and it shows. Solid movie, and very little to complain about. It is a very fun movie, not really great cinema, but fun for what it is. All the main characters are here. And keep an eye out post credits for an AWESOME fan boy look into Iron Man 2. Seriously, probably the greatest fan boy moment out of any comic movie. I could tell the nerds in the theatre loved it because I popped a boner…I mean THEY popped a boner…so I hear.

The only thing I worry about, and this is the case with so many of these movies, is that after the initial introduction story, comics tend to get very supernatural, and they have been setting these so much in reality, is someone really going to believe Mandarin or Fing Fang Foom? I mean the sequel is set up to avoid this supernatural aspect, and hold true to one of the greatest sequels ever, but at some point, these supernatural aspects need to be included. How sweet would an Infinity Gauntlet series be? That’s right, you may change your pants now.


To wrap this up, here are the top 5 best, and top five worst comic book movies ever.


1. Batman Begins: How FUCKING sweet does part 2 look? So sweet in fact that I am applying to Hogwarts so I can go to the Forbidden Forest and search for the resurrection stone to bring Heath Ledger back. Every additional preview I see including the joker makes me sad to realize that we are probably going to witness the greatest comic to movie performance ever. All apologies to Jessica Alba and Dolph Lundgren. Katie Holmes sucks though.

2. Spiderman 2: Everything is awesome about this movie except the Spiderman unmasking. That was PURE gay. And Kirsten Dunst sucks.

3. V for Vendetta: Hugo Weaving rocks. Natalie Portman rocks. This movie rocks, except for the PC changes they made to it. The graphic novel is better, but isn’t that always the case?

4. A History of Violence: Viggo Mortenson is the man and Maria Bello is SUPER hot and doesn’t mind getting crazy naked. Graphic sex and graphic violence gives me an uncomfortable chubby.

5. Hellboy: Guillermo Del Torro is a genius at making great looking, interesting movies. This is no different. Hellboy was a surprise sleeper and the sequel looks great. It helps that ron Pearlman looks just like Hellboy with no make-up on. And Selma Blair is hot. So is Abe Sapien.

Honorable Mention goes to Superman Returns as well as Ghost World for introducing the world to Scarlett Johansson. To avoid further trouble, I will take the Forest Gump route and that will be all I have to say about that.


1. Catwoman: I was never a big Catwoman fan. I only ever got her comics by accident. It seems as if they made this movie on accident. This is one of 2 movies that I have seen that made me so angry that I wanted to write the production company to demand my time back. This movie sucked hard. At least Halle Berry owned up to its shittiness though.

2. Fantastic 4 1&2: Both movies were terrible with the 2nd one being a bit better if only because of the Silver Surfer who was pretty sweet. What was not sweet, however, was GALACTUS AS A FUCKING STORM CLOUD. WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA? People were telling me afterwards, “You could make out ‘parts’ of a robot in the cloud.” FUCK THAT. I do not go to movies to take Rorschach tests. I am nut a fucking psycho. If you want to make a robot, make a robot and call it Galactus. If not, make a storm cloud and call it Gay because that’s what that was. 3. Batman and Robin: This movie sucks. Not only does it cast Arnold, and have nipples on the bat suits, but it has Bane. Sounds cool right? Well they kill Bane in about 15 minutes by unplugging his steroids until he shrinks back into a 90 pound weakling. That’s right. If that isn’t a cautionary tale for Arnold I don’t know what is. They KILL the man who BREAKS Batman. I would threaten Joel Shumaker, but thanks to him destroying the franchise, we wouldn’t have Batman Begins. So thanks Shumaker, I stand at your alter, not knowing if I should worship you or sacrifice you.

4. X-Men Franchise: Way to take arguably the greatest comic of all time, and completely do NOTHING with it. Let’s see: Apocalypse? Check. Sentinels hunting mutants? Check. Any recognizable story line from the comics? Check. Not resorting to the hackneyed Dark Phoenix storyline? Check. Not killing off everybody at the end of the movie? Check. Yup, all those things are NOT in the X-Men franchise making it the gayest series of all time. It is just inexcusable how Fox fucked this up. How could they NOT have sentinels? Or GAMBIT??? Why is Magneto infinity years old? And gay? I love Ian McClellan but he does not scream Magneto. Casting otherwise was ok, but the movies were terrible and had some of the WORST ideas for characters ever. Did they run out of all the cool characters? They just seemed to take ideas from Stan Lee’s drunken rants (the same one who thought Stripperella was a good idea) and create some shitty villains out of that? Where was Psylocke? Mr. Sinister? Havoc? Puck for Christ sake??? ANYBODY?? This series is shit and seriously needs a re-launch. How about just take the animated series and make movies out of that?

5. Too many others to name: Comic book movies suck in general, but have been better recently. I’ve got to be honest and say I don’t know why the Hulk by Ang Lee was so bad? It was boring, but it had Jennifer Connely in it. JENNIFER CONNELY you heathens!

All right, rant over. I’ll be back in a while to review Indiana Jones and GTA 4 as well as my updated NBA predictions. And I think Lucas owes me some money because he may have adapted the story I wrote for an Indiana Jones movie a few years back for this very site. So if my lawsuit is successful, I’ll see you all in hell. If not, I’ll be back here.

Doctor Gonzo is The Wrestling Fan's resident alcoholic drug-dependent IWC superstar. As the inventor of both the Psychic Playstation 2 and the "Alcohol intake" rating system, his various works have been read here at The Wrestling Fan, along with 411 Mania.com and Inside Pulse respectively. He was also declared clinically dead two years ago.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).