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Hello all, and welcome back to the column that may take a break, but always comes back for more! I apologize for my absence over the past weeks. It has been a strange few weeks in the Gonzo house with his dealer going M.I.A., and seriously work piling up, and a few deaths around him. Not been fun. But I decided to get off of my lazy ass, ass and finally do some writing. I have watched a TON of movies recently, finished one of the greatest TV shows of all time, and have finally made an effort to play through some of my old games. So let’s get started!


Spoilers ahead!!! What is the easiest way to say best comic book movie ever? Is it by saying best comic book ever? If so, then this movie is the best comic book movie ever. This may be the best 2 comic book movies ever. Even a month after seeing it, I have no ill effects from claiming that I have watched a masterpiece. After the lights rose in the lovely Cinerama Dome in Hollywood , and I sat in my seat relatively stunned and shocked at what I had just witnessed. I saw the Joker become the coolest most vicious (for a Hollywood movie anyway) villain ever to grace the screen of a comic book adaptation. I witnessed Two-Face look as disgusting as he would if he was burned in real life. I witnessed the rise of Commissioner Gordon. I witnessed the Batman take a backseat to a much more interesting character. I witnessed genius from all parties.

From the moment Heath Ledger appears as Joker, there is a buzz on the screen, more so because he died than from what the character actually does. The transition comes from the first meeting he has with the CO-OP (as The Wire would call it) as Heath grabs the audience in his gloved hand, and we are off for a ride, knowing full well that he has taken complete control of the movie. The “magic trick” alone set the crowd a-flutter and there was no turning back. His performance deserves an Oscar. This is the best performance from any comic book movie ever and really one of the most impressive performances in recent memory. After watching Heath have his way in this movie, it really begs to question all the chatter about how he, “could never live up to Jack’s performance as the Joker”. Not only has he lived up to it, he’s blown it out of the water. Jack’s Joker is kiddie, wet your pants, you’re up past your bed time, campy, Batman from the 60s Joker, while Heath is “Killing Joke” or “Arkham Asylum” Joker. He is the man that tests Batman, and is the violent, serial killer that constantly causes Batman nothing but absolute headaches and torture. From his ticks to his twitches, to the masterful touch of having him tell a different story each time he talks about his scars, Heath snatches the attention of anyone and everyone in the vicinity and takes them on a wild ride. You are almost sad afterwards when you realize that he is missing for a good middle chunk of the movie. The rest of the cast is their usual self: awesome, and believable. And kudos for replacing Katie Holmes with Maggie Gyllenhaal. Great call on that. Katie is a terrible actress and gets way to much work. She’s been downhill since the first 4 seasons on Dawson’s Creek. And there is nothing wrong with me watching that show, and owning the DVDs, no matter what your hetero gland says.

This leads me to the script, penned by the director Chris Nolan and his brother Jonathan Nolan, they take many of the great conflicts of the best graphic novels and do their best to bring it to Hollywood. Granted they couldn’t have it as dark or morbid as “The Dark Knight Returns” or “Arkham”, but they take it pretty damn close. Joker verbalizes the relationship between himself and Batman in the interrogation room as one in the same. How one cannot live without the other. A popular device in the comics and the novels, it isn’t as impactful here as in the comics because of the bluntness in the way it was stated. It is a really good thing that they included it because the reason Batman is so obsessed with his villains and Gotham is that he tends to see a little of himself in all of his villains (get into talking about the Riddler). He sees his weaknesses in the Joker, his double life in Two-Face, his freak nature in the Penguin, his better half in Catwoman, and his intelligence in the Riddler. Two-Face, as if you didn’t know, is in this movie as well and damn if he doesn’t seem to have his own chunk of the script to himself. I didn’t expect that they would have what was basically 2 movies rolled into one by having the rise and fall of Two-Face within the movie itself. Well done on that end by breaking conventions and what the movie going audience expects to see. The script itself is well written, but no matter how good a script is, if the actors cannot pull it off, it has no hope. Hope springs eternal in this film.

Is this the best comic book movie ever? Yes. Easily. This isn’t just a good comic movie, this is great cinema. Nolan has proved he is a genius and Batman does not let this mantle waiver in the slightest. I bow before “The Dark Knight” as a humbled moviegoer, and I worship at it’s alter as the greatest comic book movie ever. That is until “Watchmen” comes out.



For those of you who are misinformed the messiah did arrive in a blustery day in July. Unfortunately for the religious people involved, Jesus did not look like the 6 foot tall white guy with long hair and a beard. In fact he didn’t look like a 6 foot tall middle eastern guy with long hair and a beard (not Osama). He in fact looks like a 4 inch cube with a touch screen and awesome multimedia capabilities. And a beard. That’s right, the IPHONE arrived on the scene (and it only really makes an impact if you type everything in caps) and I actually lined up for one. One of those lonely, depressed, loser people who had nothing better to do than take a vacation day and line up for a phone, I managed to secure one thanks to Del Taco, “Blade Runner” and “Spaced”.

As soon as I secured the phone in my possession I tried my hardest not to sacrifice a goat for it. Seeing as there were monumental issues as to getting it to work (I wasn’t able to actually use the phone until 10 hours later, thanks Apple and AT&T!), I withheld my pious convictions and simply married the goat.

Once my phone started working I was in love. I tried not to get too hyped for it as I knew that would lead to a road of disappointment but I couldn’t help myself. I looked past the glaring errors and omissions and had a blast toughing it and fiddling with it and had a grand old time. Then the luster wore off and this is what I am left with.

First off, good: The application store is seriously genius and transformed what would have been a mediocre phone into something AWESOME. The applications are constantly updated and the fact that I can watch pitch by pitch in real time baseball games is truly sweet. The You Tube connectivity is amazing as well. Really awesome stuff there. The GPS is very helpful and does what it should for the most part. There should be some giant announcements about the phone coming on 09/09/08, so I expect it to be even better. I have high hopes anyway. You can zoom in on your pictures after you take them too which is neat. IPod options are great. Internet connectivity is great.

My gripes: No cut and paste. No texting or receiving pictures in a way that doesn’t drive you insane. No zoom on the camera. No flash on the camera. Worthless camera. Obnoxiously slow at times, especially when typing. Applications crash pretty regularly. The phone tends to restart itself whenever it damn well pleases. Nothing seems to ever work when you really need it (GPS is a great example). 3G eats more battery than a super charged vibrator. It doesn’t make me dinner. Sound pops in and out. Ringtones are annoying as hell to create, but pretty cool at the same time.

So if you’re gonna get this, and I am sure you’ve been waiting 3 months since it came out to read my review before purchasing it, read the below battle between my old phone and my IPhone and see the victor:

OLD PHONE: Could receive pictures of assorted male body parts and chicks with wieners from my friend to his glee of grossing me out. Could text pictures to people if I saw fit.

IPHONE: Cannot text pictures or receive my friend’s “chicks with dix pix” without logging into an AT&T website to review them, much to my friends chagrin. LAME.


OLD PHONE: Couldn’t answer calls on my phone, causing me to punch it, shattering the screen.

IPHONE: Can actually answer calls on my phone for once! Yeah!


OLD PHONE: Had to play solitaire endlessly while on the can as a way to amuse myself.

IPHONE: Can play “Monkey Ball” (not as gross as it sounds), Poker and Solitaire (and funny that they all sound like euphemisms for playing with your junk, or balling someone) while on the can and even surf the internet too!


OLD PHONE: Slow connectivity made watching pornography impossible.

IPHONE: Faster connectivity allows better porn viewing, but unless you’re connected to WI-FI, the quality is so poor, you might as well watched scrambled porn on the TV or just put a bunch of porn on the phone via the IPOD.

Point: Tie

OLD PHONE: Won’t make me dinner

IPHONE: Still won’t make me dinner, but looks better while not cooking for me, much like a trophy wife or a younger girlfriend.


So as you can see, the IPHONE clearly beats my old phone 3-1in the best of 7 championship. Is the IPHONE worth buying? In a way yes it is. It’s a great device, but has MAJOR flaws that updates will hopefully take care of in the future. If they fix pix texting and the camera this thing is gold. If not, a smart phone like a Blackberry may be for you. All in all though it is a solid phone that is contingent on what they do with it. It can either be a masterpiece or a bust.



Well I had figured I would write more than I actually did but ranting about a phone and the Dark Knight took up much more room than I thought it would. I will blow through all the movies that I saw over the summer and review the GREATEST SHOW OF ALL TIME in my next column. Until then, good day and sorry for the delay in writing.

Doctor Gonzo is The Wrestling Fan's resident alcoholic drug-dependent IWC superstar. As the inventor of both the Psychic Playstation 2 and the "Alcohol intake" rating system, his various works have been read here at The Wrestling Fan, along with 411 Mania.com and Inside Pulse respectively. He was also declared clinically dead two years ago.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).