October 05, 2005
November 30, 2006
Wednesday October 5, 2005
TREATS 10.05.05 WELCOME HOME, MAKE
WAY FOR THE DOG
Hey all, how have you been? Long time, no update I know. I've
been very busy (lazy) with work and my obsession with netflix and really haven't had the urge to really write anything about
wrestling. For the most part the product just really hasn't interested me. There are a couple standouts here and there, but for the most part wrestling is just boring to me. Smackdown is especially
hard to watch as it seems like I'm watching Velocity every week, and it's the same episode too, every week.
Anyway, life has been just boring and going through the motions and all of that
shit. After moving out and saving up for Vegas in a few weeks, I am in super broke mode, which really sucks, but what the
hell, it's Vegas and I am looking forward to it. Seriously, the best city in the country.
Anyway, let's see what's going on in the world of wrestling.
WELCOME HOME, MAKE
WAY FOR THE DOG SHOW
I kept mixing this up with hardcore homecoming, and then mixing THAT up with my
last family reunion. Seriously, not pretty. Anyway, leave it to the WWE to turn EVERYTHING into a marketing gimmick with an
annoying catchphrase. "Get the 'F' Out"! Not everything is cool and trendy, and tongue in cheek. I understand that it is HILARIOUS
to hear Triple H ask if they're "there yet", and also to see them dragging a ring behind their car. Genius, but seriously,
you're changing networks, back to the same network that has and will continue to pre-empt you for a dog show. You know what
they need to do is just pull a D-X/Triumph move and just storm the dog show.
Remember back when the WWE was fun to watch and most of all, cutting edge, and
D-X stormed WCW demanding entrance and getting "fans" to admit that they got their tickets for free? Remember all those years
of the Westminster dog show, Triumph would bust in make fun of dogs and their owners? Imagine if you will, the WWE putting
those two things together and storming the dog show. Seriously, we all know that the WWE isn't really that concerned with
the timeliness of their jokes, and they are the biggest fans of ripping their own material off, so why the hell not? And MOST
of all, it seems like the dog show is the WWE's biggest competition, and why not finally do what they couldn't do right from
the beginning with their prior biggest competition, an invasion.
Imagine Booker T entering Sharmell in the competition for "Biggest bitch Chihuahua"
to cover the story that he is just a really big, buff, former Wendy's robber who now is into dog shows. While primping and
prepping Sharmell for presentation Booker T, complete with hidden camera will insult dogs and their owners while Sharmell
screeches in the background. "Tell me he didn't just say that", Booker T will quip as one particularly uppity dog barks at
him. He will then proceed to say that he is a "5-time" WCW dog show competition champion, do a spinaroonie, forcing dogs to
chase their tails and then open up the backdoor for the invasion to begin.
In come the WWE superstars as Ric Flair leads Triple H out into the ring as the
"Scragliest Mutt" winner is about to be announced. He manages to get a house mic, somehow and cuts a promo about how he is
the game, and that he is that damn good. He runs up (well walks), and grabs his water bottle, again from out of nowhere, and
says, "You-uh, think you're-uh the scraggliest mutt-uh? Let me introduce you to the REAL-UH scraggliest mutt in the WWE, my
wife Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley!" Stephanie will come out looking like she ate the entire group of contestants in the back.
During the commotion Ric Flair will low blow, and do the Flair Flop into a water dish and allows Triple H to bring out the
sledgehammer and go to work on the dog, as Stephanie yells at it. 17 shots to the dog's quad later, and Stephanie dons a tiara
and proclaims herself the winner, and recommends that the bloody dog be taken to the county morgue in a "doggie bag" to the
delight of nobody.
Sandwiched in there will be Benoit Teaming up with a Spaniel to take on OJ and
a Doberman. The Spaniel will make OJ tap in 35 seconds. JBL will come out during the "Dogs from the South" competition mocking
them for being "hillbilly dogs", and how JBL is from New York and could buy and sell them. He would then proceed to give them
all clotheslines from hell and stand on the platform with his arms raised. "I am a dog hitting god!"
To close out the show, with the Best in Show being awarded to a collie, Kurt Angle
will storm the ring (it is a ring after all) and cut a promo on the dog saying how he is an Olympic Gold Medalist and how
the dog needs to show him some respect. How Kurt Angle was on that platform accepting a medal with a broken freaking neck.
"Don't look at me with those puppy dog eyes," he would say. "I broke my body to win these," he says as he hold his medals
to the dog's face. The curious dog would sniff and lick the medals sending Angle into a rage. The second place dog, a St.
Bernard, would jump the Collie from behind, stomping a mudhole in it. Angle would then kick the dogs leg out from under him
and slap on the Ankle lock, into the leg lock, as the dog taps out in pain, only for "Time is Now" to boom over the speakers
and Cena, complete with spinning belt to run out and beat up on Kurt Angle and F-U the St. Bernard through the platform as
Cena and the collie pose together to close out the show.
That's just my idea to make the WWE product a bit more interesting, and you know
what, why the fuck not. Do it Vince, do it!
11.30.06 THE RETURN OF
Much like the
Undertaker with Leslie Nielson on the case, I have risen
from the dead to grapple with my Doppleganger, in this
case, the much more talented, better looking, taller
wittier Sean Carless. As the
Brian Lee to his Mark Calloway, I respectfully bow and
thank him for allowing me to claw my way back to the
site, as one of the OG members.
Many of you are
probably asking, "Where'd you go?" While others will no
doubt scoff, "Who the fuck are you?" Well me friends,
much like that fat girl you fucked that night you were
particularly desperate, and told her you loved her, all
the while you were making jokes, in your mind, about her
in relation to the planets and other supernova type
phenomena, I won't leave you alone.
going through a particularly viscous pile of peyote
boiled, acid wrapped cocaine, I woke up in a mining
colony in Bali. Or Kentucky, who fucking knows. No
matter where it was, nobody really spoke English. I
signed my way through asking for internet access so I
could warn Sean that I may be gone for almost exactly a
year. All I got were confused looks, much like I asked
where a "shower" was, or "deodorant".
I found the
way of life there quaint and interesting (read boring,
and suicide inducing), and soon fell into the life
working in the fields. I was constantly called "boy" and
told to pick all the tobacco I can. I was paid in
whippings. With the blatant racism and the constant,
never-ending beatdowns, I thought I was actually working
for Vince McMahon. I made the mistake of telling Massa
Malenko that I thought they should be pushing Edge more.
He responded by proving that he was the man of 1,000
moves, all of which involved him whipping me, 1,000
So it went,
back and forth for roughly 8 months. I continued to work
the fields and suggested pushes for some wrestlers,
including the re-launch of ECW. I was repaid with more
whippings. Eventually, the joke was on them (I even did
the Ricky Gervais tie adjustment), as I was able to save
up enough whippings to buy my own freedom. Goddamn were
they angry when I came back with that check for
1,000,000,000,000,000 lashings, but they had no choice.
I was once again a free man, and able to watch the WWE
the voyage home.It involved me flying around the sun to
bring back 2 humpback whales to the future to stop an
alien from destroying the galaxy. A documentary was
actually made about it back in 1986 starring William
Shatner. It was a good one.
As I opened
the door to my apartment, I was eager to see how the
world of wrestling has changed since I've been gone
paying for my sins like a poor man's Jet Li. I
immediately read Canadian Bacon's column to catch up on
all the new news and gossip as only he could tell, and
checked my TiVo which had actually recorded all 52
episodes of RAW and Smackdown and something called ECW.
I knew ECW for what it was back in the mid 90s and early
2000 before Eric Bichoff took it to the woods and shot
it, but I was nearly positive that my TiVo just had
dyslexia and had ACTUALLY recorded CEW, or the Colostomy
Entertainment Wrap-up. Imagine my shock when I found out
that ECW (or something of that nature) had been
resurrected. Below are the few things that caught my eye
since I've been gone. Enjoy you fucking hounds.
"HUH?!?!" It seems that Edge, after vowing not to 'Billy
Gunn" his KOTR win and proceeding to do exactly that,
has returned with a harder image, and a few title reigns
under his belt. Seeing as he's now half the size of
Triple H, I thought this would never happen. After
viewing a few episodes, I realize why. I rarely ever put
any weight in valets of the feminine persuasion, except
for Melina, but Lita has really come a long way. She
still sounds a cat whose being crammed up a fat mans ass
and being farted on while meowing, but her and Edge's
love affair behind Matt's back was the springboard to
Edge becoming a superstar. Rather than being
"considerate", or even nice about the whole situation,
Edge went on to rub it in Matt's and the fan's faces
(much like he does with Lita) as much as humanly
possible. Kudos also go to Vince McMahon who brought
Matt back for a series of dream matches, only to have
Matt embarrassed on a continuous basis, killing the
angle dead, and making Edge look like a million bucks,
and making him the "Rated R Superstar". It also doesn't
hurt that Lita has showed her tits more time on TV than
ECW IS IN THE HOUSE....
been totally castrated. This looks more like Sunday
Night Heat without Stevie Richards to make it
entertaining. Granted it has CM Punk rocking the house,
but he has no direction, much like the show. Is it it's
own brand? The answer appears to be yes because they
have their own title belt. I won't even begin to get
into the perverted lineage of the belt and how this
isn't connected to the old ECW belt, but every time I
think about it, I lose all feeling in my brain and my
dick, so I won't. If they are their own brand, how the
hell do they swap wrestlers in and out at a drop of a
hat in the main event with RAW and Smackdown? One Night
Stand, and the horribly names, One Night Stand 2, proved
that ECW, when done right, is entertaining and
incredibly passionately loved by it's fans, so of course
it was up t Vince to "WWE it up a bit" (that may or may
not mean injecting it with steroids, and as Lashley has
joined the brand, this appears to be the case) and
making it suck. I know he doesn't want to have to deal
with paying injured wrestlers and saturating the market
with hardcore wrestling, but he seems to be ok with
saturating it with hardcore garbage and terrible
writing. He's got to draw the line somewhere, and it
obviously is right past entertainment, directly into the
realm of unwatchable.
The man who
asked for his release from the WWE, which shocked me,
immediately singed with TNA, which made me crap my
pants. The ratings proved that his appearance doesn't
mean anything to the typical viewer, but if the word on
the street is true, that his match with Samoa Joe was as
good as it was, then I may have to tune in more, and not
just for the washed up floozies from the WWE (how can
Gail Kim be that much hotter on TNA, and on the topic of
girls, Mickie James/Alexis Laree may have the nicest ass
in wrestling history, but now has comically large boobs.
That may be because I am more of an ass man, not in the
Billy Gunn way, except I do like to lick 'em and stick
'em and touch 'em, but I like looking at asses more than
boobs. I think I just may have provided a large insight
into my social life. Anyway, what the fuck was I talking
about? Oh yeah, Kurt Angle's WWE character had gone VERY
stale in the WWE, as he just became one dimensional and
lost a lot of his charm. He's that same way in TNA, but
with his ability to work with Christian again, and a lot
of new faces for him to be intense with, could be good
for him, although I wish TNA didn't blow their wad on
the face of the viewer and give away the Joe/Angle fight
so early. It could have been built up to Taz/Sabu
proportions, but that would have pretty much guaranteed
disappointment. Anyway, here's to Kurt having a great
career with TNA and not ending up like my other favorite
wrestler, Dynamite Kid, in a wheelchair with a worthless
Well it has
been a long time coming, and it took me a while to get
home, but I'm finally here, back at the Wrestling Fan
where I belong. Ah it feels like home. Except with
slightly less molestation.
and I'll be writing soon.
Doctor Gonzo is The Wrestling
Fan's resident alcoholic drug-dependent IWC superstar.
As the inventor of both the Psychic Playstation 2
and the "Alcohol intake" rating system, his
various works have been read here at The Wrestling
Fan, along with 411 Mania.com and Inside Pulse
respectively. He was also declared clinically dead two