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Dr. Gonzo

October 05, 2005
November 30, 2006

Wednesday October 5, 2005
12:00 AM

Hey all, how have you been? Long time, no update I know. I've been very busy (lazy) with work and my obsession with netflix and really haven't had the urge to really write anything about wrestling. For the most part the product just really hasn't interested me. There are a couple standouts here and there, but for the most part wrestling is just boring to me. Smackdown is especially hard to watch as it seems like I'm watching Velocity every week, and it's the same episode too, every week.

Anyway, life has been just boring and going through the motions and all of that shit. After moving out and saving up for Vegas in a few weeks, I am in super broke mode, which really sucks, but what the hell, it's Vegas and I am looking forward to it. Seriously, the best city in the country.

Anyway, let's see what's going on in the world of wrestling.


I kept mixing this up with hardcore homecoming, and then mixing THAT up with my last family reunion. Seriously, not pretty. Anyway, leave it to the WWE to turn EVERYTHING into a marketing gimmick with an annoying catchphrase. "Get the 'F' Out"! Not everything is cool and trendy, and tongue in cheek. I understand that it is HILARIOUS to hear Triple H ask if they're "there yet", and also to see them dragging a ring behind their car. Genius, but seriously, you're changing networks, back to the same network that has and will continue to pre-empt you for a dog show. You know what they need to do is just pull a D-X/Triumph move and just storm the dog show.

Remember back when the WWE was fun to watch and most of all, cutting edge, and D-X stormed WCW demanding entrance and getting "fans" to admit that they got their tickets for free? Remember all those years of the Westminster dog show, Triumph would bust in make fun of dogs and their owners? Imagine if you will, the WWE putting those two things together and storming the dog show. Seriously, we all know that the WWE isn't really that concerned with the timeliness of their jokes, and they are the biggest fans of ripping their own material off, so why the hell not? And MOST of all, it seems like the dog show is the WWE's biggest competition, and why not finally do what they couldn't do right from the beginning with their prior biggest competition, an invasion.

Imagine Booker T entering Sharmell in the competition for "Biggest bitch Chihuahua" to cover the story that he is just a really big, buff, former Wendy's robber who now is into dog shows. While primping and prepping Sharmell for presentation Booker T, complete with hidden camera will insult dogs and their owners while Sharmell screeches in the background. "Tell me he didn't just say that", Booker T will quip as one particularly uppity dog barks at him. He will then proceed to say that he is a "5-time" WCW dog show competition champion, do a spinaroonie, forcing dogs to chase their tails and then open up the backdoor for the invasion to begin.

In come the WWE superstars as Ric Flair leads Triple H out into the ring as the "Scragliest Mutt" winner is about to be announced. He manages to get a house mic, somehow and cuts a promo about how he is the game, and that he is that damn good. He runs up (well walks), and grabs his water bottle, again from out of nowhere, and says, "You-uh, think you're-uh the scraggliest mutt-uh? Let me introduce you to the REAL-UH scraggliest mutt in the WWE, my wife Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley!" Stephanie will come out looking like she ate the entire group of contestants in the back. During the commotion Ric Flair will low blow, and do the Flair Flop into a water dish and allows Triple H to bring out the sledgehammer and go to work on the dog, as Stephanie yells at it. 17 shots to the dog's quad later, and Stephanie dons a tiara and proclaims herself the winner, and recommends that the bloody dog be taken to the county morgue in a "doggie bag" to the delight of nobody.

Sandwiched in there will be Benoit Teaming up with a Spaniel to take on OJ and a Doberman. The Spaniel will make OJ tap in 35 seconds. JBL will come out during the "Dogs from the South" competition mocking them for being "hillbilly dogs", and how JBL is from New York and could buy and sell them. He would then proceed to give them all clotheslines from hell and stand on the platform with his arms raised. "I am a dog hitting god!"

To close out the show, with the Best in Show being awarded to a collie, Kurt Angle will storm the ring (it is a ring after all) and cut a promo on the dog saying how he is an Olympic Gold Medalist and how the dog needs to show him some respect. How Kurt Angle was on that platform accepting a medal with a broken freaking neck. "Don't look at me with those puppy dog eyes," he would say. "I broke my body to win these," he says as he hold his medals to the dog's face. The curious dog would sniff and lick the medals sending Angle into a rage. The second place dog, a St. Bernard, would jump the Collie from behind, stomping a mudhole in it. Angle would then kick the dogs leg out from under him and slap on the Ankle lock, into the leg lock, as the dog taps out in pain, only for "Time is Now" to boom over the speakers and Cena, complete with spinning belt to run out and beat up on Kurt Angle and F-U the St. Bernard through the platform as Cena and the collie pose together to close out the show.

That's just my idea to make the WWE product a bit more interesting, and you know what, why the fuck not. Do it Vince, do it!

Much like the Undertaker with Leslie Nielson on the case, I have risen from the dead to grapple with my Doppleganger, in this case, the much more talented, better looking, taller wittier Sean Carless. As the Brian Lee to his Mark Calloway, I respectfully bow and thank him for allowing me to claw my way back to the site, as one of the OG members.

Many of you are probably asking, "Where'd you go?" While others will no doubt scoff, "Who the fuck are you?" Well me friends, much like that fat girl you fucked that night you were particularly desperate, and told her you loved her, all the while you were making jokes, in your mind, about her in relation to the planets and other supernova type phenomena, I won't leave you alone.

Well, after going through a particularly viscous pile of peyote boiled, acid wrapped cocaine, I woke up in a mining colony in Bali. Or Kentucky, who fucking knows. No matter where it was, nobody really spoke English. I signed my way through asking for internet access so I could warn Sean that I may be gone for almost exactly a year. All I got were confused looks, much like I asked where a "shower" was, or "deodorant".

I found the way of life there quaint and interesting (read boring, and suicide inducing), and soon fell into the life working in the fields. I was constantly called "boy" and told to pick all the tobacco I can. I was paid in whippings. With the blatant racism and the constant, never-ending beatdowns, I thought I was actually working for Vince McMahon. I made the mistake of telling Massa Malenko that I thought they should be pushing Edge more. He responded by proving that he was the man of 1,000 moves, all of which involved him whipping me, 1,000 times.

So it went, back and forth for roughly 8 months. I continued to work the fields and suggested pushes for some wrestlers, including the re-launch of ECW. I was repaid with more whippings. Eventually, the joke was on them (I even did the Ricky Gervais tie adjustment), as I was able to save up enough whippings to buy my own freedom. Goddamn were they angry when I came back with that check for 1,000,000,000,000,000 lashings, but they had no choice. I was once again a free man, and able to watch the WWE again.

But first, the voyage home.It involved me flying around the sun to bring back 2 humpback whales to the future to stop an alien from destroying the galaxy. A documentary was actually made about it back in 1986 starring William Shatner. It was a good one.

As I opened the door to my apartment, I was eager to see how the world of wrestling has changed since I've been gone paying for my sins like a poor man's Jet Li. I immediately read Canadian Bacon's column to catch up on all the new news and gossip as only he could tell, and checked my TiVo which had actually recorded all 52 episodes of RAW and Smackdown and something called ECW. I knew ECW for what it was back in the mid 90s and early 2000 before Eric Bichoff took it to the woods and shot it, but I was nearly positive that my TiVo just had dyslexia and had ACTUALLY recorded CEW, or the Colostomy Entertainment Wrap-up. Imagine my shock when I found out that ECW (or something of that nature) had been resurrected. Below are the few things that caught my eye since I've been gone. Enjoy you fucking hounds.


I says, "HUH?!?!" It seems that Edge, after vowing not to 'Billy Gunn" his KOTR win and proceeding to do exactly that, has returned with a harder image, and a few title reigns under his belt. Seeing as he's now half the size of Triple H, I thought this would never happen. After viewing a few episodes, I realize why. I rarely ever put any weight in valets of the feminine persuasion, except for Melina, but Lita has really come a long way. She still sounds a cat whose being crammed up a fat mans ass and being farted on while meowing, but her and Edge's love affair behind Matt's back was the springboard to Edge becoming a superstar. Rather than being "considerate", or even nice about the whole situation, Edge went on to rub it in Matt's and the fan's faces (much like he does with Lita) as much as humanly possible. Kudos also go to Vince McMahon who brought Matt back for a series of dream matches, only to have Matt embarrassed on a continuous basis, killing the angle dead, and making Edge look like a million bucks, and making him the "Rated R Superstar". It also doesn't hurt that Lita has showed her tits more time on TV than Jerry Lawler.


....and has been totally castrated. This looks more like Sunday Night Heat without Stevie Richards to make it entertaining. Granted it has CM Punk rocking the house, but he has no direction, much like the show. Is it it's own brand? The answer appears to be yes because they have their own title belt. I won't even begin to get into the perverted lineage of the belt and how this isn't connected to the old ECW belt, but every time I think about it, I lose all feeling in my brain and my dick, so I won't. If they are their own brand, how the hell do they swap wrestlers in and out at a drop of a hat in the main event with RAW and Smackdown? One Night Stand, and the horribly names, One Night Stand 2, proved that ECW, when done right, is entertaining and incredibly passionately loved by it's fans, so of course it was up t Vince to "WWE it up a bit" (that may or may not mean injecting it with steroids, and as Lashley has joined the brand, this appears to be the case) and making it suck. I know he doesn't want to have to deal with paying injured wrestlers and saturating the market with hardcore wrestling, but he seems to be ok with saturating it with hardcore garbage and terrible writing. He's got to draw the line somewhere, and it obviously is right past entertainment, directly into the realm of unwatchable.


The man who asked for his release from the WWE, which shocked me, immediately singed with TNA, which made me crap my pants. The ratings proved that his appearance doesn't mean anything to the typical viewer, but if the word on the street is true, that his match with Samoa Joe was as good as it was, then I may have to tune in more, and not just for the washed up floozies from the WWE (how can Gail Kim be that much hotter on TNA, and on the topic of girls, Mickie James/Alexis Laree may have the nicest ass in wrestling history, but now has comically large boobs. That may be because I am more of an ass man, not in the Billy Gunn way, except I do like to lick 'em and stick 'em and touch 'em, but I like looking at asses more than boobs. I think I just may have provided a large insight into my social life. Anyway, what the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, Kurt Angle's WWE character had gone VERY stale in the WWE, as he just became one dimensional and lost a lot of his charm. He's that same way in TNA, but with his ability to work with Christian again, and a lot of new faces for him to be intense with, could be good for him, although I wish TNA didn't blow their wad on the face of the viewer and give away the Joe/Angle fight so early. It could have been built up to Taz/Sabu proportions, but that would have pretty much guaranteed disappointment. Anyway, here's to Kurt having a great career with TNA and not ending up like my other favorite wrestler, Dynamite Kid, in a wheelchair with a worthless penis.

Well it has been a long time coming, and it took me a while to get home, but I'm finally here, back at the Wrestling Fan where I belong. Ah it feels like home. Except with slightly less molestation.

Good bye and I'll be writing soon.

Doctor Gonzo is The Wrestling Fan's resident alcoholic drug-dependent IWC superstar. As the inventor of both the Psychic Playstation 2 and the "Alcohol intake" rating system, his various works have been read here at The Wrestling Fan, along with 411 Mania.com and Inside Pulse respectively. He was also declared clinically dead two years ago.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).