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ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo

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Saturday February 19, 2005
11:00 PM

ACERBIC TREATS 02.20.05 THE WRESTLING FAN PRESENTS THE PSYCHIC PS2 FOR WWE NO WAY OUT  By Dr. Gonzo

Hello all. Last time the PS2 was PERFECT in it's predictions. Can it stand up to it's psychic perfection of last time? Read on and you shall see!

THE PSYCHIC PS2 FOR  NO WAY OUT

CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE MATCH:
CHAVO vs. AKIO vs. SPIKE vs. PAUL LONDON vs. SHANNON MOORE vs. FUNAKI

In this match Tajiri will play the part of Akio because they are both "Japanese" and awesome. Chavo will play Chavo, because he's Chavo. Rey Mysterio will play Paul London, because they are both awesome as well. Lance Storm will play Shannon Moore because they are both bland. The Hurricane will play Spike because they both had promising gimmicks that went nowhere. And Ultimo Dragon will play Funaki because he's the only Cruiserweight I have left. God damn I need to update my game. By Mania I WILL have a new wrestling game. Mark my words. Match is all crazy hectic and I find it impossible to call it. They all pair up as Lance Storm hits the Clover Leaf (This is a time limit match, by the way) (and has hardcore rules). HURRICANE BRINGS IN A TABLE AND POWERBOMBS LANCE STORM THROUGH IT! OH THE HUMANITY! Lance Storm superkicks Ultimo, knocking the talent right out of him. Now TRULY Ultimo is Funaki. Oh how the TABLES have turned, as Lance Storm bodyslams Hurricane through one in a revenge spot, and marking the only time a table has ever knocked out a Hurricane. Unless you count that time I time traveled back in time and clocked Rubin "The Hurricane" Carter with a table, knocking him out cold and then framing him for murder (look that joke up kids, it's actually funny if you know the situation surrounding it). Ultimo pins Rey with a school boy (after desperately making love to it) and now holds the title! Rey has been bloodied by Lance, and vice-versa!! Tajiri bloodies Chavo!! Hurricane chokeslams Ultimo! No pin. A minute left and Ultimo is still the champ! 30 seconds to go and Hurricane hits the VERTABREAKER! He doesn't pin, what a fucking moron! SMALL PACKAGE ON ULTIMO (he is Japanese) by the Hurricane! HE GETS THE PIN WITH 10 seconds left! REY takes him down and pins him! 1-2-NO! Hurricane kicks out as time expires! The Hurricane a.k.a. SPIKE DUDLEY pulls out the victory. What a match!

BOOZE-O-METER: 2 beers and a bag of chips.

TAG TEAM  TITLE MATCH
REY & EDDIE vs. THE BASHAMS

The Bashams will be played by Val Venis and Test, for obvious talent less reasons. Test starts off beating up on Rey and I immediately yell "HATE CRIME" at my TV. But then Rey counters and takes over and all is well. Ref bump in the first minute and Rey is able to fight off the cheating crackas. Rey tags in Eddie and perches himself on the top rope, but the ref throws him off! Now if this ain't the white man keeping the brown man down, I don't know what is. Test hits the TEST DRIVE but Rey grabs the ropes and hits the 619, but Test kicks out, because he doesn't "Need to sell for a 5 foot tall burrito. I have three testicles in the crowd..I hate my life". Val Venis is back in, but Eddie tags in and takes over. He locks in the lasso from El Paso, but Test breaks it up. He slaps on the GORY SPECIAL, but Val steals Eddie's 3 amigos, even though he did them first. Test tags in and uses the power of the dolla bills to hit the Test Drive and tag Val in. Rey comes in fresh as a daisy and CEASAR CHAVEZ'S UP, hitting the 619 for 2. Val hits a full nelson slam for the pin. Match was too long, and had too much WHITE POWER in it.

BOOZE-O-METER: 4 beers and 3 shots.

KURT ANGLE vs. JOHN CENA

After their first match years ago, I am hoping for great things from these two. Match starts with Angle taking Cena to school, but Cena is all "INITIATE POUND AND GROUND ATTACK SEQUENCE 3.0", but gets immediately belly to bellied for a two count. ANGLE SLAM ON CENA, for two. Cena gets up and hits a back body drop into the F-U! Angle grabs the ropes and hits a belly to back of his own. Cena gets up F-U! Angle is in the ropes. ANOTHER F-U, gets two. Angle gets up and hits a release German on Cena. Looks like "GROUND AND POUND ATTACK SEQUENCE 1" is hitting F-U's until you get the pin. Angle is all "INITIATE 'I WON A GOLD MEDAL WITH A BROKEN FREAKING NECK' PROGRAM" and reverses everything that Cena throws at him and hits a German for "those awful things his people did during that war". He then re-enters the ring and hits a German Suplex and slaps on the ankle lock! Cena makes the ropes and starts beating on Angle good, ending with another F-U and ANOTHER ROPE BREAK! You know what I was thinking, when Angle puts Big Show in the ankle lock, is it actually a cankle-lock? Cena continues to get killed by Angle, who slaps on a neck vice and gets the submission. BUH???? What a terrible finish.

BOOZE-O-METER: Too many F-Us, and a stupid finish. 4 beers and 3 shots.

UNDERTAKER vs. LUTHER REIGNS

Just because I dig Luther, I will let Brock Lesnar play his part. And also cause I want to see Undertaker get his ass kicked. They start be exchanging soup bones until Brock suplexes the shit out of Taker. He then goes up and hits a suplerplex and a sick backbreaker. He clotheslines the embalming fluid out of Taker, but Taker sits up and goes OLD SCHOOL with the stupid ropewalk. Brock is too awesome and still kicks his ass and stomps a mudhole in Taker. Taker gets up and gives Brock some more soup bones. It's the OTHER WHITE MEAT! What's that on the menu? MORE SOUP BONES! I gotta have MORE SOUP BONES, and Taker happily obliges. LAST RIDE on Brock. 1-2-NO! Brock kicks out cause he's awesome. TOMBSTONE BURY HIM! I hope you're ready for more soup bone leftovers, cause here's more soup bones! Brock hits a sick kung fu take down, so sick it deserves it's own replay. 4 big boots is too much for Brock as he is bloodied and Taker hits his second old school! No it's too much! Too sexy senor! Chokeslam on Brock for the 3 count. I am not surprised.

BOOZE-O-METER: 4 shots and 5 beers to wash away the filthy feeling of Taker squashing another young star.

WWE TITLE MATCH:
BIG SHOW vs. JBL

JBL will once again be played by Ted Dibiase. This match is taking place in the Hell in the Cell since there is no barbed wire in this pussy game. Unless.**goes to Home Depot and buys some barbed wire. Comes him and starts jamming the barbed wire into his PS2, and the game itself** AHHHH MY HANDS!!!! That did not work at all. That was still more fun than this match. Big Show is beating the shit out of Dibiase and hits the Final Cut. Damn this game IS out of date. Dibiase tries to fight back, but not even a MILLION DOLLAR bribe from the Million dollar man (he'll be broke, he only has a million dollars) will calm Big Show down. He wants BLOOD. Dibiase fights back with 2 piledrivers, which in his day would make a wrestler clinically dead, but this is a new millennium baby! Big Show shrugs it off and hits the chokeslam for the pin. He commences to drool on the belt.

BOOZE-O-METER: 5 shots and 4 beers for this abortion.

OVERALL ALCOHOL INTAKE: 19 beers and 15 shots. Enough to forget you paid $30 for this shit.

ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo
ACERBIC TREATS 04.03.05 THE WRESTLING FAN PRESENTS THE PSYCHIC PS2 FOR WRESTLEMANIA XXI By Dr. Gonzo

One year ago today I was doing the exact same thing, sitting in front of my television, with a controller in my hand and PS2 on. Shit, that's pretty much a Saturday night for me, so why should this be any different? I'll tell you why in one word: Wrestlemania. On paper it sounds like the stupidest phrase ever invented, but in execution it is nothing short of the most celebrated, most influential and most successful wrestling events ever. No matter how poorly the business or the booking, there is one constant: Wrestlemania always sells out. I found this out as I sat in front of my computer and Ticketmaster could not find me a seat anywhere in the arena at any price, here in Los Angeles, the home of Wrestlemania this year. Granted this probably has to do just as much with Ticketmaster being a price gouging whore, but the writing is on the wall: when Wrestlemania comes to town, it sells.

One risky venture 21 years ago has yielded a showcase that has made careers and destroyed others. She is a fickle mistress but one we cannot get enough of. So come with me on a ride down the road to Wrestlemania (the 110 freeway) as The Wrestling Fan presents, a Dr. Gonzo Production of Wrestlemania, starring the virtual likenesses of Triple H, Batista, John Cena, The Million Dollar Man as JBL, Trish, Shelton Benjamin, Christian, Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, Kane, Edge, and the rest.

THE PSYCHIC PS2: WRESTLEMANIA EDITION

Now the sarcasm begins!

RECORD FOR LAST PREDICTION: 1-4

TRISH STRATUS vs. CHRISTY HEMME

I was planning on just having Trish fight herself, because that is nothing short of what she'll actually do on Sunday, but it's Mania baby, so let's get a replacement just as bad: Lita! The walking STD (I mean KOD, or do I?) starts out with a flurry of what could be construed as punches, but she looks more like she's shooing flies away from her snatch patch. Lita with a drop kick, and there go her knees! She manages to get up, but breaks her neck in the process. Damn, bitch needs some life insurance. Trish tosses Lita out of the ring, and she re-breaks her neck. Female Kurt Angle in the HOUSE! They really made Lita too talented in this game. She isn't nearly as sloppy or dangerous in the ring, as she is in real life. I think I'll return this liar of a game. Out of nowhere Trish hits the Chick kick for 2! Moonsault by Lita for 2! Non stop action, except for all the other boring things going on! Trish shows why she is the greatest Woman's Champ ever (that must be like being the best retarded basketball player) by dismantling Lita and hitting a second Chick Kick, but Lita is in the ropes again. This match is way to fucking long. Trish eventually wins with a dropkick. What a wreck. Trish now has 4 unknown STD's and somehow is pregnant by Edge, but at least she is still Women's Champ!

WINNER: Trish

BOOZE-O-METER: 7 white Russians and 3 condoms, just to see Lita in the ring

SHOW vs. AKEBONO

Look for them to do some shocking things in this match like sweating, laying down, and falling over. I couldn't create Akebono in this game, because the memory card on the PS2 only holds 8 megabytes.

WINNER; N/A

 
EDDIE vs. REY

Eddie and Rey remind me of Frodo and Sam from the "Lord of the Rings" with their weird homoerotic behavior lately. This match should be good although it pains me to see two Mexican's fighting each other. Mostly because I could just look out my window and see it for real. Oh well. Rey starts off with a quick pin for two. Eddie slaps on the Gory Special and pounds Rey like a dad beating a 6 year old who is on steroids. Rey takes over but misses a butt splash and Eddie capitalizes. Eddie should re-grow the mullet again. It makes him look younger and COOL! Rey hits release German on Eddie! A Mexican from San Diego just hit another Mexican with a German move! I knew wrestling was educational. This match is super fast paced But we see Eddie slapping on the "Lasso" but Rey escapes cause he is cagey and small, and a Mexican. Eddie tries a schoolboy by grabbing some tights (that's more a Patterson move), but we have a rope break. Eddie hits a nice combo of a spin kick, German suplex and Lasso but Rey doesn't tap. Eddie then casually pins him for the 3!

WINNER: Eddie

BOOZE-O-METER: 2 shots of Tequila

 
CHRISTIAN vs. EDGE vs. MR. BENJAMIN vs. CHRIS BENOIT vs. CHRIS JERICHO vs. KANE

"One of these guys is not like the others", I'll let you figure our who. Since I can't do a 6 man match with a ladder this is going to be an Armageddon Hell in A Cell Match! I'm like Eric Bischoff! If possible virtual Kane no sells more than real Kane but Christian is taking it to him! Benoit hits Edge in the Lita poker, but Edge can't feel it due to the syphilis. That joke didn't even make biological sense. Oh well! Kane hits Benjamin with the Chokeslam, but Edge drops a Lita fucking elbow to break up the pin! Kane takes his first 10 minute nap of the match after being tossed outside. Kane comes back in and beats on Jericho, and Christian starts cleaning house! The refs take the feather duster away from him, and point him back to the ring. DIVING HEADBUTT by Benoit misses by a MILE on Christian. Jericho tries the rollup but misses. Shelton with the Exploder for two, as Benoit and Edge break it up. Chokeslam on Benoit, Edge barely breaks it up with a Lita fucking boot! Impaler on Benoit! Electric chair drop by Edge on Shelton and he is busted open! Chokeslam on Shelton, Benoit breaks it up! German with a bridge on Christian by Benoit and Kane breaks that up! Sharpshooter on Jericho, but Edge with the Lita fucking elbow drop! Superkick by Shelton on Edge, but Kane breaks that up! You know what I find strange, that Lita had to pretend to cheat on Matt with Kane, while she was ACTUALLY cheating on Matt with Edge, and she STILL couldn't sound believable when she was doing the backstage skits. What a sack of shit, oh wait, that's Edge, who is looking rather fecally in this game. Benoit with the Triple Germans! Kane breaks up that pin. Christian kicks out of the chokeslam! Crossface on Shelton, Shelton taps! Great fast paced match as I expected.

WINNER: Chris Benoit

BOOZE-O-METER: 1 Miller High Life

 
TAKER vs. RANDY ORTON

To make things fair I gave Randy 3 SD icons to start the match. This should be good, as in terribly bad. Let the squash begin! Taker starts with a clothesline, but Randy tries the RKO, which is immediately reversed. Spinebuster by Taker and he is killing Randy dead. RKO out of nowhere for 2! Taker is beating Randy all over this arena. Chokeslam is REVERSED INTO AN RKO! Awesome! Taker no sells that, like he has been no selling the next generation for the past few years and beats on Randy some more. Randy tries to fight back, but that is futile. Second chokeslam kills Randy dead. 13-0 at Mania, and I still don't care.

WINNER: Taker

BOOZE-O-METER: one liter of embalming fluid

 
HBK vs. KURT ANGLE

The match we have all waited for since the Royal Rumble has arrived. The Heart Broke Joke is out first because he is going to lose! Angle knocks HBK down and hits a rib breaker. He slaps on the rear choke and has to let go. He hits the triple Germans on HBK and then a standing drop kick. He slaps on the choke again but gets a ropebreak. HBK battles back with the help of some Jesus juice and takes Angle down. Angle worships Satan though and powers back. He continues to pound on HBK and it looks like god has turned his back on the fortunate one. HBK tries to get all "Josh Mathews" and punch Kurt, but Kurt tosses him like a sack of potatoes. He goes for the Angle slam, but HBK reverses, and this only pisses Angle off more. HBK manages a superplex off the top (each turnbuckle takes him closer to god), but Kurt shrugs it off and lays a beat down on HBK again. Top rope hip toss by Angle, triple Germans again! HBK comes back with a belly to back suplex and an elbow drop from across the ring, but Angle hits the short arm belly to belly and clips the leg once HBK gets up. Another belly to belly and an Angle Slam! 1-2-3! KURT WINS! He stomps HBK then rips his cross off his chst. Looks like we have the main event for next year already!

WINNER: KING KURT

BOOZE-O-METER: 1 glass of Jesus Juice

 
JOHN CENA vs. JBL

Playing the part of JBL as usual will be Ted Dibiase. Will we see Cena take the Million Dollar belt like a poor man's Virgil? MDM immediately takes out the ref and starts whooping on Cena. Cena fights back cause he is from the streets and all and locks on the dreaded leg grapevine. Cena starts to take over and hits a snap suplex. Dibiase buys himself a power up and fights back. JBL would be proud! Dibiase with a blatant low blow! He slips the ref a $20 and tells him he didn't see a thing. This infuriates Cena the economist and he battles back, but Dibiase hits his 3 knuckle shuffle and another low blow. Cena shrugs it off because I think he lacks genitalia, but I am not sure. Cena grounds Dibiase and pounds him (or is it pounds him and then grounds him), and hits the F-U! 1-2-3NO! A 2 count! Dibiase comes back with a back breaker, but Cena comes back with a stalling suplex. Backbreaker by Dibiase and Cena is killed dead!?! Huh? Dibiase cries in the ring.

WINNER: Ted Dibiase. Okay.

BOOZE-O-METER: The Gonzo Camping Special

TRIPLE H vs. BATISTA

Evolution has exploded! It's like Wrestlemania 5 all over again, but this time, both guys tear muscles off their bones while walking to the ring! They wheel out Droz and it's a handicapped triple threat match, for the first time in Mania HISTORY! Triple H starts with a face buster and spinebuster, and a laser buster and a buster buster. This guy is chock full of crazy moves, he's about to bust! Triple H absolutely dominates the match in the beginning and hits a Pedigree 2 minutes in and pins Batista! Holy mother of god! Wow, I think you can hear Dave's carcass shattering through the glass ceiling and landing on Jericho, Benoit, Booker T and Christian in the midcard. Yikes.

WINNER: Triple H

BOOZE-O-METER: The Gonzo Camping Special

OVERALL ALCOHOL INTAKE: 2 Gonzo camping Specials is enough for me to be thankful that I didn't get tickets to this abortion. Lets hope the actual event is much better than how the PS2 predicted it, and I think it is safe to say that we will be in better shape come Sunday than the PS2 says. Or will we be? TUNE IN SUNDAY!

ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo
ACERBIC TREATS 04.10.05 RAW IS GONZO
 
Two Gonzo columns in a month? What did you do to deserve this you ask? You slept with Matt Hardy's girlfriend you mimbos. Anyway, Gonzo attended this weeks post Wrestlemania RAW at Staples Center here in lovely, fog filled, bum ridden, smelly Los Angeles! I find it funny that the WWE kept pushing this "Wrestlemania is going Hollywood" schtick, when Hollywood isn't even that close to Los Angeles, or Staples Center. Seriously, it's not that far, but Downtown Los Angeles, just doesn't scream "Hollywood", although they do have the bums in common. And the fog. And the smell. Shit, what am I talking about, Hollywood is EXACTLY like Los Angeles.

Well taking a page from Justin Shapiro's "No Mercy" report, I thought I would go through a timeline about my night there at Staples, so lets get it on!

3:00pm: I leave work early saying that I am feeling a bit sick (of work!) and head down the 101 to my friends house. For the first time in a long time I don't have to sit in traffic and cry about my misfortune and wishing that half the population of Los Angeles would suddenly drop dead and I would just drive anywhere I want without the fear of traffic. Either that or I invent a rocket car. Yeah, that sounds awesome.

3:30: I arrive at Chris's house and we decide to (surprise, surprise) go and drink.

4:00: I realize that I am a fucking retard and that RAW starts at 6pm, instead of 5pm. I then realize that this means I can drink more and I am ecstatic again.

4:15: We show up at a dive bar called "Frank and Hanks" after parking in an area that smelt strangely like a public pisser. A homeless guy comes over yelling some shit at us. I contemplate fighting him, but I realize that if someone parked their car in my bathroom, I would be pissed too (there are two jokes working there kids).

5:30: We head over to Staples Center driving around looking for the cheapest parking available. I curse myself for not pissing before I left the bar, as my bladder is about to explode. There are too many cops so I don't want to relieve myself in the parking lot, even though some other people don't seem to mind. We head over to the Stadium with my bladder at maximum and see 5 giant lines blocking our entrance. I also see a wave of people that seem like they were ripped directly from the WWE chat room. Guys and girls, wearing Degeneration X shirts, looking like the fat girl who was stood up at prom and never took off her prom dress. Sure there was some hot tail too, but nothing that could take me back from thinking it was 1998 again. More on fat chicks later.

5:45: I piss for what seems like an hour, and what feels like the best orgasm ever. I decide to hunt after the only piece of wrestling merchandise I have ever wanted (except those Team Angle Jumpsuits, I still want one of those). The "Captain Charisma" shirt shall be mine tonight! I battle my way through a throng of fat girls and guys with what looks like the Milky Way of acne on their faces and reach the front of the counter, coming off my drunkenness and feeling sleepy already. This is how the conversation between the guy and myself went:

Me: "Do you have any of those 'Captain Charisma' shirts?"

Douchebag: "What?"

Me: "Christian. Do you have his shirt?"

Douchebag: "Who?"

Me: "Christian. A wrestler for the company you are selling shirts for."

Douchebag: "No."

I walk away and curse myself for wasting my time, but I vow to get that shirt tonight.

5:50: As search for our seats, Lillian Garcia sings the "National Anthem". Well she's either singing, or being raped by a flaming branding iron. Terry Funk, you dog! IMMEDIATELY following this, they show a montage of Hassan promos, immediately getting the idiot crowd riled up. Anyone say the WWE doesn't know EXACTLY what they are doing is stupid. And has AIDS.

6:00: We get to our seats after stumbling up and down the aisles looking for row "G". They might just have well but "Butt Fuck Egypt" or "Second row fro the top of this god damned building you cheap bastard". We sit and the intro hits while all the idiots by us hold up signs and stand up. I yell, " You aren't getting on TV", but nobody listens. I laugh as this wafer thin white trash mother fucker stumbles in to his seat 3 rows ahead of me. Think Kip From "Napoleon Dynamite", except more white trash and pathetic looking. Next to come in and sit next to him is what I think is the planet Mars, but once it starts talking I realize it is either a person or Jabba the Hut. Needless to say, I assume she has her own gravitational pull, which would explain the flies that are buzzing around her. More on her later.

6:00:01: Triple H enters of course getting the first promo after losing his title. The crowd pops for him pretty well. The only good part about this is when Triple H gets in the crowds face, they guy he yells at looks like he is going to shit his pants. I had a good time laughing about that until I saw Edge's head sticking out of his brown eye.

6:15: Shelton, Christian and Jericho put on a really nice triple threat match. I give Christian a standing ovation but immediately gets drowned out by boos, and not booze, which I would have rather gotten drowned in. Shelton really needs a feud because he is dead in the water, and is too good to not have one. I suggest the Booker Bear.

6:35: Randy Orton comes out and Mars immediately levitates to show her appreciation for who she probably believes would be her next boyfriend if she "wasn't gosh darned married already."

6:45: Trish fucking rocks, that's all that needs to be said.

7:00: Shawn comes out to give a speech about how he gave it his all and all that shit. This hillbilly sitting next to my friend (at this time I was lucky enough to have an empty seat next to me, more on that later) starts yelling shit at Shawn. I am all about Shawn bashing, and yelling shit, but damnit, be funny. This guy's schtick was worse than a Jay Leno monologue. Great live heel heat for Hassan when he came out and the beat down was fierce. The crowd fucking HATES this guy. I think I saw Kip shed a tear, and Mars levitated when Shawn came out again, once again relishing that she would be the future Mrs. Michaels. Post beatdown, Shawn does the slow standup and limps to the back as the crowd gives him a standing ovation. Los Angeles makes me sick.

7:30: During the Edge Benoit match, Mars gets kicked out of her seat by the real owners and starts using her fat eyes to look for an empty seat. Oh no, I thought, as her eyes make it over (though slowly and out of breath) to the chair next to me. She waddles over, up 3 rows, stopping for air, and plunks down next to me. I swear I felt Staples Center buckled. So there she is, spilling out over her seat and into mine, stealing all of my oxygen. Fucking bitch. I think I saw some aliens and a NASA rover on her back.

7:45: During the Simon Dean promo, I get my laugh of the night. Mars is laughing along to the promo, until Dean says that there are too many fat people in Los Angeles. Mars then goes into a loud boo, with an embarrassing chuckle, and I bust out laughing. Unfortunately, I don't think she heard me with the fat coming out of her ears and the monster pop that Stone Cold got for his return. Fuck you Austin, you ruined my moment of the night.

8:10: I leave the arena, but have to wait in LINE TO USE THE ESCALATOR. Fuck you Staples Center and your terrible design. If there was an earthquake (or if Mars fell down the stairs), we would not be able to escape and we would all be dead. Fuck that terrible arena.

8:15: I walk to my car and give some "veteran" of the "Korean War" 2 dollars, but not before giving him these words of wisdom: "Just be honest and ask me for some money because you want to get drunk. There's no need to start making up wars just to get a dollar." I then bid him good day. I think I helped that guy out.

Overall it was not worth it. I was bored, sleepy and just do not care for seeing RAW or SD live. RAW tickets: $30. Parking: $10. Christian shirt that I never got: $25. Getting to sit next to a person whose stretch marks have stretch marks: Priceless.

Gonzo bids you good day.

ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo
ACERBIC TREATS 5.21.05 Judgment Day, And Total Randomness!
 
So, this is Judgment Day weekend, one if the busiest weekends in recent memory, with E3, Star Wars, the WWE PPV and the debut of "Chaotic" with Kevin and Brittany. Seriously, did you all see this shit? I swear Brittany is the dumbest sack of shit I have ever seen, and she still has the mentality of a 12-year-old girl. Kind of like Matt Hardy. I would have loved to see "Chaotic" with Matt and Lita, and see the total degeneration of their relationship. From the entrance of Edge on the scene, to the entrance of Edge in Lita, this show would be great! And speaking of this relationship, it's funny how the WWE has totally booked it from truth from the beginning. They made Lita cheat on Matt with another wrestler, now are running this angle, not to mention they have had her passed around more then a condom at a frat party. That burning sensation you feel isn't "Vengeance" Matt it's Chlamydia.

SMACKDOWN GETS SMACKED DOWN (TO A NEW TIMESLOT)

So UPN has announced that Smackdown will me moved to Friday nights so they can create a Thursday night "comedy" (and I use that term loosely) set with "Girlfriends", "Cuts", "Leprechaun in the Hood", and "Some Random Minority makes Fun of White People". This COULD be UPN's way to fuck over the WWE by sending them to a timeslot where they are sure to die, because most people who have a life, will be out that night. Wait a minute, wrestling fans don't have lives! It's the perfect timeslot. Remember when "The X-Files" was on Friday nights and was a HUGE hit? It was because all the dateless geeks who stayed home on Friday, watched it! Now the dateless wrestling fans get to stay home on Friday and watch it. God bless you UPN, you've given me a new reason to LIVE on Friday nights!

WHO KILLED SMACKDOWN'S RATING? CALL IN CSI!

Smackdown did a TERRIBLE 2.9 rating and the spin doctors are crawling out of the woodwork trying to explain why this happened. Was it because of CSI? Well like I said in my SD report, CSI this week was fucking incredible and captivating, and did enough for me to forget about Smackdown at times. Shit, even the "Apprentice" whooped up SD something fierce leading me to believe that a face off between Vince and The Donald is inevitably inevitable. A cross over with all 3 shows seems to be in order. Imagine a battle over the catchphrase "You're Fired", which Vince did in fact make famous before the Donald, although Vince did add "Screw you Austin" in front of it. After the carnage that is the match over the catchphrase, the CSI crew can be brought in to clean up the area only to find out that a mysterious third party had their hand in the booking of this match. Of course the WWE writers will then take over, which will lead to a storyline where the third party is actually the bastard child of Vince and Stephanie out for revenge on the world after being scarred by watching Wrestling from 1996. Damn, I should write this shit.

JUDGMENT DAY

I decided to keep the PS2 out of this PPV for once, and go with my own psychic ability and see if I can beat the PS2, and claim the throne!

Judgment Day has arrived on us with enough force to move a Styrofoam cup 2 inches to the left. If there is anything that is going across the playgrounds with force, it is "Will Carlito beat Big Show?" followed by inane laughter and people asking "Who the hell is Carlito?"

Carlito vs. Big Show

While the WWE seems to still have a boner with Big Show, even though Big Show hasn't seen his in roughly 10 years, give or take a few decades, look for him to totally take this match after "beating the odds" and laying out Carlito and Matt Morgan and picking up the GRUELING victory. Except if they end up wrestling in the vegetable aisle at a supermarket, then it is all but over for Big Show.

Orlando Jordan vs. Heidenrich, US CHAMPIONSHIP

For some reason the audience really has a strange connection with Heidenreich, and I THINK it's because Heidenreich brings out the Nazi in all of them. And there is nothing more a Nazi likes more than to beat up on a black guy, believe me I've seen "American History X". OJ, consider that title taken.

MNM vs. The Team With No Name, Tag Team Championship

The two people who get the biggest pop in the teams will be Holly and Maleena, but the ONLY popping I want to see are Maleena's titties out of her top. Right now, neither team are over that much, so if I were watching this PPV, it would be a battle of Maleena's left tittie, vs. her right tittie. The left tittie would win.

Eddie vs. Rey

In the best feud in recent memory, Rey is coming back as the hot underdog face and Eddie is the bad ass killing machine, and hopefully with heel Eddie in the lead, this match should be the classic we hoped for at Wrestlemania. Rey will take this unless they plan on extending the feud. The good part about this is since I can't see the PPV this month, I can just look out the window in my neighborhood and watch 2 Mexicans fighting each other.

Kurt Angle vs. Booker T

Look for Kurt to carry Booker T to a good match, because we all know that Booker can't put on a good one by himself. This is a classic story of 2 star crossed lovers being destroyed by racism, rape, bad acting and a husband. The more I talk about it, the more I hate it. Kurt will take this.

JBL vs. John Cena WWE Championship

JBL completely owned the feud with amazing intensity, and great promos. Cena played second fiddle to him which shows that JBL should still have that belt. Cena is dead weight and his Rock schtick is seriously getting old. Time for this rapper to be taken out in a drive-by. That or just turn heel. Whichever one is a better career move.

ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo
ACERBIC TREATS 8.21.05 SUMMER SLAM PREDICTIONS!
 
Hello all and welcome back to Acerbic Treats. I know it’s been a LONG time since I’ve written here, but moving, along with some other shit going on has made me tired and insanely lazy. Match that with getting up at 5:30 am every day, and you’ve got one lazy doctor. Anyway, a lot has happened since I last wrote here, and I had the beginning of a column done, but it is on a disk, and my laptop has not A drive, so it will stay on that disc for the ages. So wrestling’s first Arab-Italian-American was killed off, Matt Hardy re-returned, Shawn (not Carless) turned heel, and Shelton Benjamin is nowhere to be found.

It’s been a while since I’ve watched RAW, and in all seriousness, the only things I really feel like I am missing out on is Shawn Michael’s brilliant heel promos. If anyone knows where I can get a copy of that promo, please let me know, I am curious to hear how he handled the crowd, which was masterful I hear.

Matt Hardy made his return to the world of the WWE and went from cutting edge to curtain jerker with dead end Edge. How is it that every time the WWE has guaranteed money in a feud, the WWE manages to book it so fucking poorly. If I were the WWE, what I would have done, would have had Matt Hardy come in, and kill Muhammad Hassan, re-steal Lita, and then kill her too. Either that, or he could run over a picture of her again, and REALLY show her. What a fag. What the WWE needs to do is bring him in, job him clean to Edge and fire him again. A face Matt Hardy is worthless.

We are back with another Summerslam this year with the only marquee match being Shawn vs. Hogan, and everything else just being bullshit and predictable. So let’s see what I have to say about this PPV! On a side note, during the move, I misplaced my copy of SD, and I STILL refuse to pay $50 for SD vs. RAW, we will have to go with my predictions. I may get Day of Reckoning 2, but we’ll see how that is first. Anyway, let’s get on with the predictions.

SUMMERSLAM AS PREDICTED BY THE MELTED BRAIN OF DR. GONZO

MATCH #1
US CHAMPIONSHIP
ORLANDO JORDAN vs. CHRIS BENOIT

So it looks like the WWE is hell bent on taking all the heat that Benoit carried over from his Title Reign as well as his move to SD. It’s pretty funny that when he jobbed to Randy Orton, it led to one of the most unsuccessful face title reigns of all time, and now they are trying to use him to get OJ over, who is a VERY unsuccessful heel Champion, who couldn’t cut a good promo if he swallowed the Rock’s charisma, and I am sure he has tried to “swallow” the Rock whenever possible. Anyway, I think we will see Benoit job once again to Orlando Jordan in a vain attempt to get this loser over. It’s funny how they constantly try to get this guy over, as well as so many other shitty heels, with Christian, the best heel in the company sitting on the sidelines. OJ should do what he does best, kill white women.

WINNER: OJ

MATCH #2
NO TIME LIMIT
KURT ANGLE vs. EUGENE

This should REALLY be a special match. I will stay away from the obvious joke there.This should really get Eugene into the kick of things, and if this match is anything lower than 4 stars/moons/Tenay’s, we are talking MAJOR disappointment. After the hype that so many people put on Nick Dinsmore, for him not to hang with the best wrestler in the WWE, would really show what type of wrestler he is. This leads me to the match where Benoit had stolen Angle’s medals so many years ago, and hidden him in his pants. Angle went on to win the match, grab the medals from Benoit’s pants and kissed them fresh from Benoit’s pantaloons. One of the best moments ever. Hopefully Eugene hasn’t drooled on them, or traded them in for a pair of pull-ups or something. Angle will retain, and drop Eugene on his head, making him routine again.

WINNER: KURT

MATCH #3
MATT HARDY vs. EDGE

Where do you start with this one? From the hottest angle in wrestling, to the most contrived in about 2 weeks. When you really think about it, was there ANY way for this angle to work? What it had going for it was that the WWE and Matt Hardy were on the outs, and there was a possibility that he was storming the show because he hated Edge so much. It blurred the line between fantasy and reality, and each additional week that Matt came out, made that line pretty much side totally on the fantasy. Yes he was there and possibly pissed, but now he is boring old Matt Hardy again, under contract with the WWE, and his rebel image is gone, and replaced with the same guy that was fired months ago. What is the payoff here? Have Matt go over in hopes of building a hot face? Have Edge go over because he has that briefcase still with a number one contenders shot in it? They booked themselves into a corner here, and I think they will put Matt over, just to appease him. Just so he knows that he didn’t get herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, goat, crabs, aids and cancer from Lita for nothing.

WINNER: MATT

MATCH #4
EDDIE vs. REY

Talk about another match that has totally lost it’s steam, and has nowhere to go after this. The feud has gone from strangely ECW, to totally unwatchable at times. I know wrestling is all about suspending your disbelief, but seriously, there is so much suspension going on here, they might as well have this match in space. Forget that child services is allowing the decision of the family for Dominic to be decided in a wrestling match, forget that Dominic is taller than Rey at age 6, forget that Rey’s wife has MASSIVE hooters (wait, don’t forget that), forget that Dominic will “magically” love Rey again when he wins this match after he still has the knowledge that Eddie is his real dad. Forget all of that, because we have a SICK ladder match on our hands! This match should be great, with awesome bumps, and Rey flying all over the ring. I have a feeling the match will end with a Dominic turn, joining Eddie, and giving Eddie his first victory against Rey. It will be the start of showing him to be a TRUE Guerrero!! Viva screwing over families!

WINNER: EDDIE

MATCH #5
RANDY vs. UNDERTAKER

Yet another feud continuing from Wrestlemania, this match will see Randy finally get his win against the Undertaker, about 5 months too late, just like with John Cena, who was squashed in the first match and managed to squeeze out a win in their rematch that meant nothing. I guess this is Undertaker booking 101, as he is the first guy, to my knowledge, to kick out of the RKO, and will probably do it again in this match, because he’s an undead, hillbilly biker, who loves America and some caveman named Sara. Match should be ok, like their Mania one, and Randy will pull out the win, most likely by cheating, and having the ropes involved.

WINNER: RANDY

MATCH #6
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP “NO HOLDS BARRED”
BATISTA vs. JBL ROUND 29

Talk about the feud that refuses to die, I bet on Tuesday/Thursday, JBL says that there was a stipulation that if he lost 3 matches in a row to Batista, he would get a 4th match against him. The booking for this “main event” has been SO BAD, it’s laughable. Forget the fact that Batista is a joke champion now, having done nothing meaningful with his reign except squash Christian, and beat JBL 3 times, the buildup has been the same way for all of their matches “ contract signing, chair shots, hit finishers, cause opponent to lose match, repeat for the life of this feud. On top of that the match is a “no holds barred” match, and the last time I’ve seen any of them do a wrestling move, Roddy Piper’s belt size was under 60. Batista will ONCE AGAIN beat Batista, which will set up the next match at the next PPV.

WINNER: BATISTIA

MATCH #7
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
JOHN CENA vs. CHRIS JERICHO

The feud that has single-handedly killed the music industry is hotter than ever! Come order Summerslam as Chris Jericho and John Cena sing your favorite hits! Swoon as Jericho delivers his memorable rendition of “Holla Back Girl”, snuggle up next to your favorite someone as Cena steals your heart with his rendition of Barry Manilow’s “Mandy”. Get the tissues ready as Cena, for his swan song, delivers an amazing cover of Celine Dion’s “My Heart will Go On”, a Canadian favorite. And lastly, prepare to die, as Jericho delivers, (and he said he would never do it again), by singing that song from the Bodyguard.

WINNER: Fans of Adult Contemporary Music

MATCH #8
ICON vs. LEGEND
SHAWN MICHAELS vs. HULK HOGAN

Aren’t those monikers interchangeable with them? Anyway, here is a match sponsored personally by Rogain and Icy Hot (“Icy to dull the pain, hot to relax it away!”), and a match that was buildup alone by Shawn Michaels. Hogan can come out and do his usual bullshit promo’s, but from the transcripts I read of Shawn’s, he made the PPV worth watching just for this match. He has been phenomenal, and how he handled the Montreal crowd (so I’ve heard) was something to see (which is why if you know how, let me know how to get a copy of it). He is something special, and this heel turn has been subtle and genuine and just awesome. He stands as one of the lone highlights of WWE TV, that I really am missing and wanting to watch every week. But now, Shawn will have to REALLY put his workrate boots on to cover for Hogan’s clown shoes, and should probably consider putting Chris Benoit on stilts, spray painting him red, dye his hair blonde, shave an island on his head, and make him wear a boa, so this match will be as monumental as it has been built up by him. My only regret was that this was not in Canada. Man that crowd would have been HOT!

WINNER: SHAWN MICHAELS

So there you have it, predictions that will make your panties wet. Hope you enjoyed reading it, as much as I enjoyed writing it. Tune in for good times on Thursday’s or Friday’s for my “Smackdown” reports, and I’ll see you then. Latex.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).