Hello all
and welcome back to Acerbic Treats. I know it’s been
a LONG time since I’ve written here, but moving,
along with some other shit going on has made me
tired and insanely lazy. Match that with getting up
at 5:30 am every day, and you’ve got one lazy
doctor. Anyway, a lot has happened since I last
wrote here, and I had the beginning of a column
done, but it is on a disk, and my laptop has not A
drive, so it will stay on that disc for the ages. So
wrestling’s first Arab-Italian-American was killed
off, Matt Hardy re-returned, Shawn (not Carless)
turned heel, and Shelton Benjamin is nowhere to be
found.
It’s been a
while since I’ve watched RAW, and in all
seriousness, the only things I really feel like I am
missing out on is Shawn Michael’s brilliant heel
promos. If anyone knows where I can get a copy of
that promo, please let me know, I am curious to hear
how he handled the crowd, which was masterful I
hear.
Matt Hardy
made his return to the world of the WWE and went
from cutting edge to curtain jerker with dead end
Edge. How is it that every time the WWE has
guaranteed money in a feud, the WWE manages to book
it so fucking poorly. If I were the WWE, what I
would have done, would have had Matt Hardy come in,
and kill Muhammad Hassan, re-steal Lita, and then
kill her too. Either that, or he could run over a
picture of her again, and REALLY show her. What a
fag. What the WWE needs to do is bring him in, job
him clean to Edge and fire him again. A face Matt
Hardy is worthless.
We are back
with another Summerslam this year with the only
marquee match being Shawn vs. Hogan, and everything
else just being bullshit and predictable. So let’s
see what I have to say about this PPV! On a side
note, during the move, I misplaced my copy of SD,
and I STILL refuse to pay $50 for SD vs. RAW, we
will have to go with my
predictions. I may get Day of Reckoning 2, but we’ll
see how that is first. Anyway, let’s get on with the
predictions.
SUMMERSLAM AS
PREDICTED BY THE MELTED BRAIN OF DR. GONZO
MATCH #1 US
CHAMPIONSHIP
ORLANDO JORDAN © vs. CHRIS BENOIT
So it looks
like the WWE is hell bent on taking all the heat
that Benoit carried over from his Title Reign as
well as his move to SD. It’s pretty funny that when
he jobbed to Randy Orton, it led to one of the most
unsuccessful face title reigns of all time, and now
they are trying to use him to get OJ over, who is a
VERY unsuccessful heel Champion, who couldn’t cut a
good promo if he swallowed the Rock’s charisma, and
I am sure he has tried to “swallow” the Rock
whenever possible. Anyway, I think we will see
Benoit job once again to Orlando Jordan in a vain
attempt to get this loser over. It’s funny how they
constantly try to get this guy over, as well as so
many other shitty heels, with Christian, the best
heel in the company sitting on the sidelines. OJ
should do what he does best, kill white women.
WINNER: OJ
MATCH
#2
NO
TIME LIMIT
KURT ANGLE vs. EUGENE
This should
REALLY be a special match. I will stay away from the
obvious joke there.This should really get Eugene
into the kick of things, and if this match is
anything lower than 4 stars/moons/Tenay’s, we are
talking MAJOR disappointment. After the hype that so
many people put on Nick Dinsmore, for him not to
hang with the best wrestler in the WWE, would really
show what type of wrestler he is. This leads me to
the match where Benoit had stolen Angle’s medals so
many years ago, and hidden him in his pants. Angle
went on to win the match, grab the medals from
Benoit’s pants and kissed them fresh from Benoit’s
pantaloons. One of the best moments ever. Hopefully
Eugene hasn’t drooled on them, or traded them in for
a pair of pull-ups or something. Angle will retain,
and drop Eugene on his head, making him routine
again.
WINNER: KURT
MATCH
#3
MATT HARDY vs. EDGE
Where do you
start with this one? From the hottest angle in
wrestling, to the most contrived in about 2 weeks.
When you really think about it, was there ANY way
for this angle to work? What it had going for it was
that the WWE and Matt Hardy were on the outs, and
there was a possibility that he was storming the
show because he hated Edge so much. It blurred the
line between fantasy and reality, and each
additional week that Matt came out, made that line
pretty much side totally on the fantasy. Yes he was
there and possibly pissed, but now he is boring old
Matt Hardy again, under contract with the WWE, and
his rebel image is gone, and replaced with the same
guy that was fired months ago. What is the payoff
here? Have Matt go over in hopes of building a hot
face? Have Edge go over because he has that
briefcase still with a number one contenders shot in
it? They booked themselves into a corner here, and I
think they will put Matt over, just to appease him.
Just so he knows that he didn’t get herpes,
syphilis, gonorrhea, goat, crabs, aids and cancer
from Lita for nothing.
WINNER: MATT
MATCH
#4
EDDIE vs. REY
Talk about
another match that has totally lost it’s steam, and
has nowhere to go after this. The feud has gone from
strangely ECW, to totally unwatchable at times. I
know wrestling is all about suspending your
disbelief, but seriously, there is so much
suspension going on here, they might as well have
this match in space. Forget that child services is
allowing the decision of the family for Dominic to
be decided in a wrestling match, forget that Dominic
is taller than Rey at age 6, forget that Rey’s wife
has MASSIVE hooters (wait, don’t forget that),
forget that Dominic will “magically” love Rey again
when he wins this match after he still has the
knowledge that Eddie is his real dad. Forget all of
that, because we have a SICK ladder match on our
hands! This match should be great, with awesome
bumps, and Rey flying all over the ring. I have a
feeling the match will end with a Dominic turn,
joining Eddie, and giving Eddie his first victory
against Rey. It will be the start of showing him to
be a TRUE Guerrero!! Viva screwing over families!
WINNER:
EDDIE
MATCH
#5
RANDY vs. UNDERTAKER
Yet another
feud continuing from Wrestlemania, this match will
see Randy finally get his win against the
Undertaker, about 5 months too late, just like with
John Cena, who was squashed in the first match and
managed to squeeze out a win in their rematch that
meant nothing. I guess this is Undertaker booking
101, as he is the first guy, to my knowledge, to
kick out of the RKO, and will probably do it again
in this match, because he’s an undead, hillbilly
biker, who loves America and some caveman named
Sara. Match should be ok, like their Mania one, and
Randy will pull out the win, most likely by
cheating, and having the ropes involved.
WINNER:
RANDY
MATCH
#6
WORLD
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP “NO HOLDS BARRED”
BATISTA © vs. JBL ROUND 29
Talk about
the feud that refuses to die, I bet on
Tuesday/Thursday, JBL says that there was a
stipulation that if he lost 3 matches in a row to
Batista, he would get a 4th match against him. The
booking for this “main event” has been SO BAD, it’s
laughable. Forget the fact that Batista is a joke
champion now, having done nothing meaningful with
his reign except squash Christian, and beat JBL 3
times, the buildup has been the same way for all of
their matches “ contract signing, chair shots, hit
finishers, cause opponent to lose match, repeat for
the life of this feud. On top of that the match is a
“no holds barred” match, and the last time I’ve seen
any of them do a wrestling move, Roddy Piper’s belt
size was under 60. Batista will ONCE AGAIN beat
Batista, which will set up the next match at the
next PPV.
WINNER:
BATISTIA
MATCH
#7
WWE
CHAMPIONSHIP
JOHN CENA © vs. CHRIS JERICHO
The feud
that has single-handedly killed the music industry
is hotter than ever! Come order Summerslam as Chris
Jericho and John Cena sing your favorite hits! Swoon
as Jericho delivers his memorable rendition of
“Holla Back Girl”, snuggle up next to your favorite
someone as Cena steals your heart with his rendition
of Barry Manilow’s “Mandy”. Get the tissues ready as
Cena, for his swan song, delivers an amazing cover
of Celine Dion’s “My Heart will Go On”, a Canadian
favorite. And lastly, prepare to die, as Jericho
delivers, (and he said he would never do it again),
by singing that song from the Bodyguard.
WINNER: Fans
of Adult Contemporary Music
MATCH
#8
ICON
vs. LEGEND
SHAWN MICHAELS vs. HULK HOGAN
Aren’t those
monikers interchangeable with them? Anyway, here is
a match sponsored personally by Rogain and Icy Hot
(“Icy to dull the pain, hot to relax it away!”), and
a match that was buildup alone by Shawn Michaels.
Hogan can come out and do his usual bullshit
promo’s, but from the transcripts I read of Shawn’s,
he made the PPV worth watching just for this match.
He has been phenomenal, and how he handled the
Montreal crowd (so I’ve heard) was something to see
(which is why if you know how, let me know how to
get a copy of it). He is something special, and this
heel turn has been subtle and genuine and just
awesome. He stands as one of the lone highlights of
WWE TV, that I really am missing and wanting to
watch every week. But now, Shawn will have to REALLY
put his workrate boots on to cover for Hogan’s clown
shoes, and should probably consider putting Chris
Benoit on stilts, spray painting him red, dye his
hair blonde, shave an island on his head, and make
him wear a boa, so this match will be as monumental
as it has been built up by him. My only regret was
that this was not in Canada. Man that crowd would
have been HOT!
WINNER:
SHAWN MICHAELS
So there you
have it, predictions that will make your panties
wet. Hope you enjoyed reading it, as much as I
enjoyed writing it. Tune in for good times on
Thursday’s or Friday’s for my “Smackdown” reports,
and I’ll see you then. Latex.
ACERBIC TREATS
CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: 
3:00pm: I leave work early saying that I am
feeling a bit sick (of work!) and head down the 101 to my
friends house. For the first time in a long time I don't have to
sit in traffic and cry about my misfortune and wishing that half
the population of Los Angeles would suddenly drop dead and I
would just drive anywhere I want without the fear of traffic.
Either that or I invent a rocket car. Yeah, that sounds awesome. 
So, this is Judgment Day weekend, one if the
busiest weekends in recent memory, with E3, Star Wars,
the WWE PPV and the debut of "Chaotic" with Kevin and
Brittany. Seriously, did you all see this shit? I swear
Brittany is the dumbest sack of shit I have ever seen,
and she still has the mentality of a 12-year-old girl.
Kind of like Matt Hardy. I would have loved to see
"Chaotic" with Matt and Lita, and see the total
degeneration of their relationship. From the entrance of
Edge on the scene, to the entrance of Edge in Lita, this
show would be great! And speaking of this relationship,
it's funny how the WWE has totally booked it from truth
from the beginning. They made Lita cheat on Matt with
another wrestler, now are running this angle, not to
mention they have had her passed around more then a
condom at a frat party. That burning sensation you feel
isn't "Vengeance" Matt it's Chlamydia. 
