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ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo

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Acerbic Treats 7.29.2004 Why have a tag line, just READ!

 

Welcome everyone to a brand new “Acerbic Treats”. Never imitated and rarely updated Gonzo is back, recovered from Vegas and ready to unleash his wrestling goodness and insight on the internet public. I came back from Vegas $400 poorer and hopped up on downers and hopped down on uppers. As of right now, though, my lawyer has advised me to not to discuss the trip any further.

 

A while ago I had plugged the “Undertaker’s Deadjournal”, quite possibly the funniest Taker parody ever, I never posted the link to the website itself, so here it is. Give it a read. If you know anything about Wrestling politics and the WWE of the past 3 years, including the Taker dirt, then this will be one of the funniest sites ever. Enjoy.

 

Just picked up the Chris Benoit DVD as well, and I must say after watching only 3 matches (Bret vs. Chris “Owen Tribute”, Chris vs. Kurt “RR’, Chris vs. Trips vs. Shawn “Mania 20”) this DVD has been MORE than worth it. Look for a review forthcoming.

Anyway, I think that’s enough bullshitting for now. Let us go forth to the content and don’t forget to READ EVERYONE’S STUFF AND VISIT THE FORUM!

 

BROCK MAKES VIKINGS PROUD

After months of keeping us on tenterhooks, the Minnesota Vikings have announced that they are signing Brock Lesnar to a contract. This equals one of the few times that a person has actually left the world of wrestling to the world of a slightly less primadonna, predetermined sport. But I need to ask, is this really a surprise?

 

Brock Lesnar is a 6’3” 285lb ass kicker, twice the size of your normal man. Place a nice set of flowing blonde locks a shield and armor and what have you got? An actual Viking! His name is even Brock for Christ’s sake. Do we need any more evidence here? Brock playing for them is truly a match made in heaven. Brock was born to be a Viking and I’m sure John Nord (the “Berserker”) is rolling over in his grave wondering why he didn’t come up with this gimmick first. We all know where this will lead if Brock ever returns to the WWE: the return of the Berserkers with Brock and Nord tearing up the tag-team ranks.

 

The best part of all of this? Madden 2006. I can’t wait to hear Madden slur along the play by play involving Brock Lesnar and then yelling “F-5! F-5! F-5!” like Michael Cole (except not as faggoty) whenever Brock makes a tackle. We can also expect Brock on the cover of Madden 2006, leading to the Madden curse kicking in and Brock being injured or cut, and returning to the WWE like all washed up football players do. Brock, your horned helmet and shield are being kept nice and warm for you.

 

SEAN O’HAIRE OPENS A CAN…Of “Diet Bitch Soda”

After a short stint with the WWE where he had the chance to unload his talent on the entire roster, politics deemed O’Haire not talented enough to work WWE style and he was busted down to OVW and then released. A few months of pent up frustration has led O’Haire to unload on two women according to them. Sean (O’Haire, not Carless) says that he was assaulted after rejecting the girls who asked him to dance.

 

I really liked O’Haire as a wrestler, and few remember he was the first monster in the WWE to use the F-5 (go back to the Invasion angle the night ECW/WCW and see O’Haire unload on Kane). I also really enjoy the company of women, although every now an then, a slap in the face towards the kitchen, just to remind her of her place is acceptable and warranted. I doubt I can choose a side in this entire situation, but after reading the Ric Flair book, I’m forced to reminisce. Remember a time where if a wrestler could work he was pretty much given a chance in the biz? Dr. Gonzo remembers. Remember a time where you would buy $5000 robes, throw money around and get all the ladies? Dr. Gonzo remembers. Remember a time where you could walk out of your dressing room, naked and tap a girl on the head with your dick and she would squeal…with excitement? No women’s lib crap, no cops, just one person putting another in a degrading situation and they both loved it. Dr. Gonzo can’t because last time he tried that he got a stiletto heel shoved into his hairy beanbag. But I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.

 

SMACKDOWN ON THE WAY UP?

I caught SD for the first time in months today and I must say I was impressed. The show seems to be heading in a nice direction. With the appointment of a new GM (“Why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles” A cookie for whoever recognizes that line first). I am tolerating JBL as a heel, but I would still rather have herpes. Kurt Angle will FINALLY make his way into the ring, but I find that his use of the GM role to keep out of wrestling to be rather anti-Angle. Angle is a WRESTLER, who covets the WWE Championship, who wouldn’t want to keep out of the ring for any reason. The GM role should have been a PUNISHMENT for Kurt Angle, not a safe haven. Eddie Guerrero is coming off of a nice title run and is the biggest face in the company along with John Cena and those three men (with Angle) should put together a nice string of matches for the next few weeks.

 

Unfortunately JBL vs. Taker is going to suck the proverbial dick, but we must take baby steps. Can’t go from shit to gold in a week. I only hope that we finally get to see HEI-DEN-REICH soon, because it would make for a good laugh seeing them create another Brock with this guy by giving him Heyman as a manager. I still think Luther Reigns would make a better Brock replacement than HE-DEN-REICH, but who am I? Just a drugged up writer.

 

CHYNA: MAN OR WOMAN?

Don’t treat you like a woman or a man? You have a sex video that you want released? What is wrong with Chyna? She is judging a tranny contest? What is going on here? I personally have come to a conclusion. Chyna is nothing more than a tool of terrorism. Just when we think she’s gone, she launches an attack with her voice (constructed at decibels the likes of which are unheard of from a woMAN with a dong) or by her presence. She then opens up Pandora’s Box, unleashing nightmares for all who can picture her digging Sean (once again not Carless) Waltman a hole to Chyna.

 

Chyna is terrorism. She appears out of nowhere, assaults the senses, and leaves you drenched in blood, sweat and tears, never returning to your former state of comfort. She induces fear and often requires translation when on video or audio. You Chyna should have an assult launched on you by the US government, or, even better, Sean O’Haire. But I would weep for how you would terrorize his asshole.

 

You and I agree about one thing. I won’t treat you like a woman or a man. I’ll treat you like what you are: A piece of shit that I avoid stepping close to at all costs.

Well Gonzo has reached his limit right now. It is currently quite late at night and he needs some sleep. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed the column, and keep on supporting the Fan by reading, writing, joining the forums and spreading the word. Take care.

 

Dr. G

ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo
 
ACERBIC TREATS 08.14.04: HUGE News For One Fan And SUMMERSLAM

Welcome all to a brand new Acerbic Treats, often imitated, and quite often duplicated, especially if you choose "Print Page" and then make 50 copies of it. It's been a few weeks break since my last column, but Summerslam and a very interesting email has brought me back, and I feel rejuvenated. You see I received a piece of email from a fan here at the site, and I must say that I am really excited to be part of "The Wrestling Fan" at this moment in time. Three days ago, a young man, you know who you are, sent me a column that he wanted to have posted on the site. I was really apprehensive about this since most columns sent in by readers are just pure shit. Something about this guy really got to me, though. I've been watching wrestling for over 18 years now, and I thought I knew a lot about it, but this guy opened my eyes.

Wednesday night I opened my email inbox and waded through the tons of emails that I usually get after a column. I answered a few and came across one labeled "Please READ!" At first I thought it was a Spam email, but I opened it nonetheless and instead of being annoyed by an add telling me how my penis can grow 2 additional inches (I'm still waiting for that cream by the way, PhallicGrow), I was blown away by what I saw. I young man was pleading for a shot, a shot to be part of the best. I thought all of us here at the Fan knew everything there was about wrestling, but this young man has shown me that there are parts of wrestling that I've never even thought about. His column was very unorthodox and unique, making for one of the most impressive debuts in the making I have ever read in my life. I was there when Scott Keith debuted, I've read Meltzer's old stuff, I've read every writer on 411 from their meager beginnings, and I do not exaggerate when I tell you all that this young man is right up there with them all, and I would not be surprised if he one day surpasses them all. He is that good. Think Kobe Bryant vs. Michael Jordan, except without the whole raping the white girl thing.

I feel like Verne Gagne watching a young blonde kid named Ric Flair train and knew that he was watching something special. I feel like Vince McMahon looking at Steve Williams and seeing "Stone Cold" under there. I feel like Paul Heyman taking Johnny Polo and melding him into "The Raven". Sean Carless will get this debut column, and he will love it. I am sure of it. Brace yourselves, fans of TWF, I can pretty much guarantee that this young man will be part of the family for years to come, and revolutionize the way we look at wrestling.

Anyway, it's been a busy time and Summerslam is right around the corner, so let's take a look at what the PS2 SAYS!!

SUMMERSLAM AS PREDICTED BY THE PSYCHIC PS2 (Patented Dr. G)

RECORD: 2-2 Last Month

BUBBA, D-VON & SPIKE vs. REY REY, LONDON & KIDMAN

No Spike, London or Kidman in the game, but I'm sure in the case of Kidman I could just use the default template for a Create a Wrestler and he would be just as interesting. This match must end up being Bubba and D-Von vs. Rey, because I am too lazy to create the other wrestlers. I'll have to take Inferno up on his offer next time. Match starts with an immediate double team of Rey and D-von comes off the top for a head butt. I could really make insightful comments about the state of gang warfare in America being played out in this match, but instead of being insightful, they'd probably be racist. That makes me think of some funny commentary these wrestling games could have if they just had Tazz and Cole be racist (well in the case of Cole, MORE racist, allegedly). "REY MYSTERIO.IS.A.MEXICAN.D-VON.IS.BLACK. BUBBA RAY.SLEEPS.WITH.HIS.SISTER". Unfortunately they would have to get Jerry Lawler to record these comments since it most closely resembles his actual color commentary. But that would break kayfabe, and we can't do that.

Anyway, match ends with a Bubba cutter from Rey Mysterio (just kidding, from Bubba, just seeing if you are paying attention) and they get the 3, on the poor little "MASKED.MEXICAN.REY.MYSTERIO" ½ *

JOHN CENA vs. BOOKER T
 
 "BOOKER.T.IS.BLACK.JOHN.CENA.JUST.THINKS.HE.IS.HA.HA.HA" Damn what a funny virtual Lawler. Well this match should be a snoozefest. Cena must be kicking himself that he wasn't a 3rd generation star, sent to RAW, and personally groomed by Triple H to end Benoit's title streak for up until Wrestlemania. If only he just stole the Rock's gimmick and had a serious love of chinlocks. Well one out of two ain't bad. For some reason, Matt Hardy runs down midmatch and tries to pin Booker T. I imagine because Booker might have impregnated Matt Hardy's mom as well, I'm not quite sure. Match is going quite well despite Matt's run in. Geez Matt, your mom can't help it if she has "jungle fever". Goldust runs in now, which I can only assume means that Booker T impregnated HIM/HER as well BEFORE impregnating Matt Hardy's mom, but after Kane impregnated Lita. Goldust goes after John Cena instead of Matt, giving him the Shattered Dreams, disallowing an little Cena's from running around now. I can only assume that since Goldust attacked Cena, and kicked him in the balls, Cena must have impregnated Booker T, and Goldust, carrying Booker's child is all, "Das mi baby daddy!" And John Cena is all, "Yo, yo, yo, I tapped dat hoochies ass, and not he carrying our little Oreo in his belly" and Goldust is all, "Well take dis puta" and kicked him square in the nuts. Matt Hardy, being lost in the confusion, reasserts that being cheated on by other wrestlers is HIS gimmick and gives Booker the TOF, but it only gets TWO! It's now Booker and Cena going at it like two lovers should. BOOKER GETS THE AX KICK, BUT MATT BREAKS IT UP!! More brawling, but no chinlocks. Serves you right Cena, digging your own grave there. Cena clotheslines Booker and sets up the F-U!!! IT GETS THE WIN! I must say that the storyline really overshadowed the match here. WWE should really control their pregnancy angles. Tis is getting crazy. ***

TRIPLE H vs. EUGENE

No Eugene, so some creative Paul Heyman type booking says I choose someone retarded, but also a pretty good wrestler.hmmm.Roddy Piper it is! I play the Rocky theme in the background as Piper makes it to the ring looking strangely like Rikishi in girth, and with some "white power" by his nose. Trips comes out with the syringe still in his ass. Come on Trips, that's just sloppy. It's better than having Randy Orton up there, though. We get to see that on RAW enough. Trips completely dominates the match since he can't fall down as that will cause the syringes to stick even further up there, and Stephanie doesn't want any phallic object penetrating a specific distance up her husbands ass unless it's hers. That's part of their marriage clause. Roddy spends the entire time on his belly, sniffing the mat, and anything that has the resonance of white anywhere in the arena, including Earl Hebner's shirt and Triple H's speedos. Triple H uses his boring submission moves, and I GIVE UP!!! RING THE FUCKING BELL!! I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!!! Unfortunately Earl doesn't here someone say "Ring the fucking bell" this time and refuses to. Trips hits 2 Pedigree's but ops instead to go for his boring leg submission again. WHAT A TECHNICAL SPECIALIST!! WHAT A CEREBRAL ASSASIN!! It's a good thing that the WWE didn't use Roddy as the Eugene character like I did, because I gotta say, he's really giving retards a bad name. If I was a retard and I saw the Eugene character being portrayed by Roddy I would be all offended and go home and slam my head against a typewriter in a vain attempt to write a letter, and then realize I am retarded and then go and watch teletubbies. God thing they have Nich Dinsmore to treat the Eugene character with dignity and respect. Trips hits Roddy with another Pedigree and thankfully it is over. Roddy is paid one spittoon full of cocain for his good work, and served 7 cease and desist orders from concerned family's who though his portrayal of the mentally handicapped (which included constant drug use) was quite offensive. Be a long time till Roddy is back in the WWE I'm afraid. DUD

MATT HARDY vs. KANE (WINNER GETS TO MARRY LITA)

Lita better not be wearing white on the wedding day, or I'll write a stern letter to the WWE. Maybe Kane will win so she'll be forced to wear the black wedding dress, because black is foreboding and EVIL!!! There's no "Till Death Do Us Part" stipulation in the game, but since Lita the slut is involved I think, a "Hardcore" match will do just fine. Long lock up to start and Kane shockingly no sells everything. He probably no sold Lita's panties and chastity belt too, that's why she's pregnant. Lita's brain probably no sold common sense when she agreed to this angle since there is NO WAY she can come out looking good unless she turns on Matt. Kane completely dominates this match tossing Matt around AND HITTING THE BONER BOMB FOR 3!!! WOW, NOT only did Kane fuck Lita, he got her pregnant, mocked Matt, squashed him in 2 minutes and then used the BONER BOMB to impregnate Matt too! OH THE HUMANITY!!! Anyway, poor Matt's dreams are crushed once again and I wouldn't be surprised if Orlando Jordan got Jeff hardy pregnant the way things are going for Matt. DUD, but I can't wait for the SEX TAPE that is SURE to surface after Lita and Kane's honeymoon. "You told me you'd destroy that!!" Better hurry before the epitome of all wrestling sex tapes is released and we all see the "Great Wood of Chyna".

DIVA DODGEBALL

I went to the WWE website, found all the diva's pictures, dropped my pants and continuously swung my balls at my screen. None of them moved. They all lose.

EDGE © vs. CHRIS JERICHO vs. BATISTA INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

I chose to do this in a HIAC match because it is one of the few that allows triple threats, and hopefully it will end faster. Edge runs at Batista to start and immediately warps to the outside of the cage leaving me to scratch my balls and continuously massage them with fragranced bath oils after the abuse they just took. Jericho just runs around the ring like a retard for the ENTIRE TIME and Batista is trapped in the ring apron. Edge just keeps climbing and descending the cage. This is going on for 5 MINUTES!! It's like having a ring full of Eugene's. They FINALLY get their act together, but strangely enough, it had more action than a Triple H match. Edge takes down Batista but Batista is TOO BIG and clotheslines him down. He works over Edge and then Jericho as well. Edge and Batista take turns beating up on Jericho. Double clothesline on Jericho, who gets up and hits the Breakdown on Edge. Edge hits the electric chair drop on Batista who no sells and kills Edge with a clothesline. We have two guys on the "Triple H Training Program, and I fear to think who will win. I know who'll lose though: hairlines, noses, and testicles. Nice spot as Jericho whips Batista into the corner and as he runs after him, Edge brings him down with the Edge-o-matic then runs over to the corner and hits a superplex. Jericho comes over and hits the double underhook backbreaker on Edge. All three men brawl and it's the fun type of brawling. BRAAAAAIIIIIIN BUSTAAAAARRRRR on Edge by Jericho for TWO, EDGESECUTION on JERICHO, BATISTA BOMB ON EDGE IS REVERSED INTO A DDT!!! Batista works Edges head over and Edge hits his awesome figure four/anklelock type move. ANGRY SNAP POWERBOMB on Edge by Jericho! More brawling ensues and JERICHO LATCHES ON A HEAD CRUSHER ON BATISTA FOR THE SUBMISSION! Stupid ending, great match. ***1/2

KURT ANGLE vs. EDDIE GUERRERO
 
This match should be awesome, and that's NOT because I am a HUGE Kurt Angle mark. Kurt Angle is WWE champ in this game as well he should be. The best built up match on the card begins as Eddie tosses Kurt around and Kurt comes back with a superplex and a Tazzmission. Eddie counters with a Tornado DDT. It's sad when the most over faces and heel on the SD brand are fighting in the same match, yet they aren't fighting for the company's championship. NOOO, we save that honor for undead zombies and Nazi's who threaten to rape referee's and come up with creative ideas like the "Brawl for All" and midget jokes that were old before midgets even existed. Angle dominates and hits the Angle Slam but Eddie counters and battles back. They brawl and exchange suplexes, Kurt getting the better and he slaps on the ANKLELOCK!! Eddie escapes and Kurt hits him with the Triple Germans! Eddie tries to "CHEAT TO WIN" but that gets two. I can't make fun of these guys cause I like them too much so I have no real insults to hurl. KURT HITS THE ANGLE SLAM OUT OF NOWHERE TO GET THE WIN! Good match. ***

CHRIS BENOIT © vs. RANDY ORTON WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

The Orton Era is on the verge of beginning. What does the psychic PS2 say about all of this? Let's find out! I'll count the seconds until Randy's first INTENSE chinlock. I weep to see the end of the Benoit era, but it has been a pretty good run and the first of many. I don't mind seeing someone new in the Main Event scene either, as Randy has been growing on me, like that batch of herpes I get every month.Wait a minute, did I just think that or type that? Oh well, no way to find out now! On with the match. Benoit hits 5 Germans in the first minute on Randy. He then gets all INTENSE and hits a vicious clothesline. Orton has all the makings of a good champ, looks, INTENSITY, tattoos, tall, a HUGE push and of course Triple H backing him up behind the scenes. If he bombs as champ I know who we can all blame though, Benoit. Speaking of Benoit, THERE'S THE SHARPSHOOTER!! No tapping though, as Randy escapes and HITS THE CHINLOCK, 3 minutes and 10 seconds in! OUT OF NOWHERE, THE RKO!! THAT GETS 1, as Benoit kicks out INTENSLY! BENOIT WITH THE FLIP OVER GERMAN THAT KURT ANGLE TAKES SO WELL!! CROSSFACE, but Randy makes the ropes. BENOIT with the German again for 2. Orton with a powerbomb shoulder breaker combo for 2. Benoit with a German bridge for 2 ¾!!!! Orton with the Frogsplash body press off the top for 3!! Damn, even the PS2 predicts the Orton era. Sniff, sniff. We love you Benoit. ***

JBL © vs. UNDERTAKER WWE CHAMPIONSHIP

There's no JBL in this game and rather than waste my time, I will just predict how this match will go, because it is so easy. JBL runs away and gets the better of Taker for a short time, Taker comes back. Clotheslines, clotheslines, clotheslines, something that can laughably be called "matwork" Taker bleeds, JBL bleeds, chairs, brawling, ropewalk reversed, big boot, another big boot, snake-eyes, Last Ride blocked by Orlando Jordan, chairshot, JBL retains. You all can fill in who did what, cause with a varied moveset that you have between those two, you should be able to tell easily. -***

Well that's it for this week folks. Take care and remember to keep an eye out for that debut, as I know Sean will hire this young man. Take care all and I shall return.

Dr. G

ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo
 
ACERBIC TREATS 10.02.04 Wrestlemania And Billy Gunn (It's Better Than It Sounds)

Hello all and welcome back to the Treats, the sweetest candy you'll get today, or even Halloween, but this column is razorblade FREE! I've done some miscellaneous things since my last column but really hadn't caught RAW in a while, or seen any of the PPVs, but like any good writer, I still have an obnoxious opinion to put out there.

First off, the "Star Wars" DVDs have finally come out after many, many years in production, and I must say it was worth the wait. Despite George Lucas editing and adding characters into scenes, (and in the case of some of them, very unwelcome additions) the extras and the sound are worth the DVD purchase. Better than that, here in the US it's only $42. What a deal!

Billysleepswiththefishes.jpgWRESTLEMANIA 21 GOD DAMNIT! Only 6 months away.It takes place in Los Angeles this year, and damn I can't wait to get tickets. I remember watching Mania 20 with my friends and then hoping that the announcement for 21 would be in Los Angeles. One of my friends actually predicted it the bastard. I'm going on Saturday to get some tickets, the cheap seats, but tickets nonetheless.

Before all of this, though, the press conference was held here in Los Angeles. I wasn't there, but I read the report. An interesting note came from Vince McMahon where he stated that Mania is the only PPV where the WWE wrestlers from different brands could face each other. So it went from being a joint PPV, to a PPV where the winner of the Royal Rumble could face any champ, to the PPV where any wrestler could face any wrestler. No wonder these guys can NEVER agree on a proper time limit for the Royal Rumble. It's 30 seconds, no wait, it's 2 minutes, no wait, it's 1 minute! You sure it wasn't Eugene running the clock the past few years?

The wrestlers all stayed in character and cut promos on each other with Triple H, reportedly, being the center of all the attention, but he is the World's Champ, so who can argue with him beating up all the wrestlers at the Press conference, and then pinning them all in order of overness.

All in all, missing the press conference meant absolutely nothing to me, because that shit sounded TERRIBLE.

Unfortunately for me, tickets sold out in roughly a minute leaving me like the guy who shows up three hours late a WWE luncheon, and finds himself staring at an empty room, Stephanie McMahon lying on the floor with a table cloth hanging from her mouth and Bradshaw laying the lumber to Pat Patterson while Sylvian Granier cries in the corner, shitting on Earl Hebner's chest. My only hope lies in the idea that I can buy them from a scalper, or go as Bradshaw's date.

BILLY GUNN Sleeps With The Fishes

The WWE has given a leave of absence by the WWE for house shows. Let's hope the WWE has finally hired some TV writers, and gives Gunn a leave of absence "Sopranos" style. Picture it. Gunn is contacted by the FBI to finally get Vince McMahon arrested for steroid distribution. He shows up late to a meeting, wearing a Santa outfit, and claims that "his back has been irking him" from having to carry too many guys to -*** matches ".and the roids." Nobody thinks anything about it. A few months later, people start noticing something strange about Billy. His muscle mass completely bottoms out and looks strangely like the love child between Triple H and a broom. Vince also notices that whenever he blows Billy, Billy actually orgasms! A feat thought impossible, especially to Vince, a man whose daughter has bigger and fully operational (like the "Deathstar") testicles than him. Vince becomes very suspicious and holds a meeting with his top advisors, Triple H, Stephanie, and their unborn fetus. They decide to keep a closer eye on Billy, mostly for a wire. Triple H offers to investigate his asshole repeatedly until it bleeds. Vince agrees and offers to investigate Billy's dick, and strange man goo with his mouth. Stephanie offers to investigate every fast food joint across the continental US.

Billy finally understood why Vince stayed in such great shape. All the protein that was injected in his mouth by young, virile men, like Billy, and the roids. Vince notices all the questions that Billy asks about the roid abuse, and Billy's requirement that Vince talk directly to his right testicle. Then it hit him. "BILLY DOESN'T HAVE A RIGHT TESTICLE!" Vince has had enough, and offers Billy a ride on his yacht, promising to talk about his career, and his push to the moon.

Vince, along with his comrades, find themselves floating in the yacht, staring at Billy Gunn's nutsack.

"I've never seen a fully formed one," Triple H says, as a tear gleams in his eye. "It's like looking at Chyna all over again."

"So Billy," Vince says, "You didn't think I'd remember you lost your testicle that day you told Bradshaw you wouldn't shower with him, huh?" Vince pulls out a knife.

Billy begins to speak, urinating all over himself. Triple H pushes Vince out of the way and sucks down the golden liquid like it is some sort of lemonade. "Nothing beats a golden shower," he growls while Billy's fear pours down his chin.

"Can I eat his other testicle?" Stephanie whines, as she gnaws on a pig leg. "I'm hungry, and our baby needs protein, and he ain't getting it from wrinkle dick over there," she mutters through the leg.

"I've had enough of this!" Vince yells. "Say goodbye to the bug ladies and gentlemen!" Vince lifts the knife in the air and brings it down hard on the urine soaked chair, severing Billy's tiny sack from his shaft. "SCREW YOU BILLY! YOU'RE FIRED!" Vince crushes the bug under the weight of his leg and struts up the steps to the deck of the ship, but first tells Stephanie and Triple H to do their worst. Triple H moves over to the radio and puts on "Stuck in the Middle With You" by Stealer's Wheel, while Stephanie puts on her bib, and unleashes her knife and fork. Billy's screams fill the boat, and that is the last we ever hear from him.

Billy Gunn sleeps with the fishes, and not even the Chris Benoit of fishes can take him to a ** match. Even at the bottom of the ocean via Stephanie's colon, Billy is still stinking it up.

Well that's it for now. Wish me luck getting Mania tickets somehow, because it would be very good for us all. Take care and hope the column was enjoyed by all.

Dr. G

ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo
 
ACERBIC TREATS 11.08.04 DROPPING A TON OF SHIT

“I’m sorry, did you just call me a liar?”

“No, I said you were fired.”

“Well. That’s much worse.”

-The Simpsons

Welcome everyone to the latest installment of Acerbic Treats. It’s been a long time since I have bestowed my infinite intelligence on you all, but after doing the Smallville reviews, starting a new job, and getting an X-Box, as well as San Andreas and Paper Mario 2, it makes for one lazy writer, and one busy son of a bitch too. I must say that the release of Halo 2 has me really looking forward to next week, but since I have started my job it has made for one guy who doesn’t really have time to spend on videogames during the week. I must now be forced to wait for the weekends to play games like a common criminal. Disgusting, huh? It makes me a sad panda.

On the topic of videogames, the early word on “Smackdown vs. RAW” seems to be poor at best fir those who already shelled out for “Here Comes the Pain” a few years ago. Seems like Yukes released the same game, with the same engine, with less characters, crappy voice acting, and terrible announcing, which was supposed to make this a better “sequel”, but the joke’s on us. Spending $50 on this is a complete waste since it offers really nothing new to the genre, and only tweaks some of the already existing match options.

Anyway, other than the usual crap life has been pretty much the same here for me, but life as a wrestler in the WWE really has it’s ups and downs since the WWE started shooting off more people than a roller coaster with no seatbelts. So far ten WWE “superstars” have been released, so let’s take a quick look at them and see if their impacts on the sport.

 

DROPPING A TON OF SHIT

TEST: Perhaps the most notable of the wrestlers on the chopping block, the WWE spent years and years pushing this fucker down our throats as a threat to any and all wrestlers in the industry. They had him as one of the bigger babyfaces in the company when they ran the whole “I’m going to date the bosses daughter” angle, but Stephanie, taking a page out of the Undertaker and Kane books of wrestling, no sold the angle, and ran with Triple H instead, and WWE television has never been the same since. After a short stint in the UNION of Domination, the wedding angle went awry, and Test spent a few months doing nothing of interest. Fast forward to the draft where they announced the duo of Stacy Kiebler and Test as a new couple of RAW. The addition of the real life couple was supposed to put Test over, because the guys who lust after Stacy would in turn cheer the guy that’s boning her because we respect the fact that he was able to tame the 41 inch thighs of heaven. Yeah right. They immediately cut all his hair off, and unveiled the “spiky haired Test”. The long hair will forever be missed because not only did it cover his strange chipmunk cheeks, but also his teeth that had a weird green tint to them. What, no dentist in your “extreme makeover”? Stacy then unveiled the marketing genius behind making Test the wrestler the fans could cheer by unveiling the “testicles” angle. The more said about that the better, but I’m really lazy so let’s move on.

 

After the utter failure to get over by calling your fans part of the genitalia, they immediately turned him heel with the “abusive boyfriend” angle. I wasn’t sure how this made Test a heel though, because if my girlfriend tried the shit Stacy did with my image, I would give her a gimmick too: the “black eyed wonder”. Enter perennial washout Scott Steiner who “saved” Stacy at many instances and led to some terrible Test/Steiner matches until Steiner turned heel too and beat up on Stacy as well. They then formed an intimidating duo. This always struck me as ironic since Test’s fan’s were called “testicles” and Steiner lacked any because of years of steroid abuse. Test then broke his foot, resurfaced a few times and then disappeared into frantic oblivion, never to be heard of, or missed again.

 

JOHNNY STAMBOLI: Umm, next.

 

JAZZ: After doing what Chyna couldn’t do (i.e. Wrestle men in a fairly convincing match), Jazz joined the WWE after ECW folded to “freshen up” the women’s division. Many had high hopes for her after seeing her abilities in the ECW ring, but she soon proved that talent ain’t forever by sucking up in the ring in practically all of her WWE matches. She rarely ever put on a decent match with a few rare exceptions and also because of her sub par opponents who were unable to sell any moves convincingly or even know how to take a submission move. The fans never got into her, and right before she was set to join a stable with Teddy Long and real life partner Rodney Mack, she was injured and came back to little or no fanfare. Jazz we hardly knew ye, and the parts that we did know, we hated. November 2004, the month the music died.

 

RODNEY MACK: To prove that the WWE only know stereotypes, look at Rodney Mack. Well actually look at that new Hassan guy, that is a certified seal of authenticity there. Mack came into the WWE one week as the replacement for Bull Buchanan in John Cena’s hip hop duo, as Red Dogg, but the week after jumped to RAW to replace D-Lo Brown in his “WWE is a racist” gimmick that seemed to skyrocket D-Lo to the top, his only significant push after he killed Droz. Mack spent his first match nearly killing Al Snow with a butterfly suplex so bad that he seemed to be channeling Scott Steiner. He went to have a few more matches including the famous “White boy challenges” before being injured and never heard from again. Until this week when he was released.

BILLY GUNN: We all know what REALLY happened here. Check out my last column for details.

 

A-TRAIN: Ah the old Gay Train. The hairiest man on SD. It seemed to me that A-Train had all the makings of a good, solid, midcard heel, but the fans never really bought into him. He had a terrible look, but his moves were really solid and crisp for a guy of his size, and he was able to unleash some really nice power moves too, but his poor workrate and his constant pushes despite fan apathy and his repeated putting over Benoit earned him some hate. After a push that saw him join Team Lesnar last year or so, A-Train disappeared into the island of gay wrestlers where he will now reside.

 

GAIL KIM: People who have followed my writing for a while (and that’s pretty much nobody) has known of my utter hatred of this woman. All these stupid fanboys started calling Gail Kim the second coming of Christ (albeit a Korean version) for the Women’s division and said she would spruce it up. Well after weeks of buildup as the Matrix Chick, she arrived, won the title, and to the shock of nobody, never got over at all. Her matches were laughable at best and consisted of her trying to rip off Ricky Steamboat, and attempting to make the arm drag into a viable transition move, match opener, set up move and finisher. She botched her fair share of moves and in the women’s division that’s saying a lot. Near th end of her run, she tried to slut herself up by dressing more and more skanky, but it was too little too late. Don’t botch arm drag the door on your way out Gail.

NIDIA: After winning “Tough Enough” for no discernable reason, Nidia debut as the girlfriend of Jamie Noble in the perfect white trash role, something that she seemed strangely comfortable in. This provided some hilarious vignettes for us, and things seemed to go great for a while. Noble dominated the Cruiserweight division, and Nidia was his white trash bride. Unfortunately, a Tajiri mist in the face caused her to go blind and labeled the end of Nidia. She turned up on RAW to “shake up” the women’s division, but the only shaking I wanted to see was of her giant fun bags. She was a solid contributor to the division, but not solid enough. She couldn’t avoid “Manos: The Hands of Fate”.

CHUCK PALUMBO: Horrible name aside, he was part of one of the bigger mass media, embarrassing angles for the WWE. Playing the role of an “Alleged” gay guy, with Billy Gunn, they decided to get married on TV only for it to be (surprise, surprise) a wrestling angle. Unfortunately, the media had taken a liking to the whole thing and commended the WWE fir their actions, finally offering a positive angle that isn’t exploitative. Boy, did they get shit on, while they were tossing the WWE’s salad. After the angle ran, all the praises were retracted and the WWE looked like a guy who brought a girl to Bradshaw’s birthday party. Palumbo then tried to man up by joining the super pussy group, the FBI, and jobbed infinitely before he was released.

RICO: The saddest if the releases. I really liked this guy. After debuting as the stylist for Billy and Chuck, Rico turned on them at the wedding and launched out on his own. He slowly turned into a really, really gay wrestler, accompanied by Jackie everywhere as to question whether he is gay of not. I always thought the Rico gimmick was a great present day Goldust angle that could have been great if it was done correctly. Unfortunately the WWE never saw it past a joke gimmick and release d him.

It seems as if the WWE isn’t done with the releases yet as it seems they will wait until their staff is having Thanksgiving dinner before firing them. It’s just the WWE way. Surprised they didn’t have Patterson wait until the holiday’s since he is such a fan of stuffing things up asses. That one was for you Sean.

Anyway, take care guys. Enjoy the firings, and I’ll see you around.

Dr. G.

ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo
 
ACERBIC TREATS 01.09.05 The Psychic PS2 Returns

Howdy to all out there in internet land. It's been a while since I have updated and even been online, but work has kept me damn busy and I've had a pretty shitty week on top of it, so that means complete lack of motivation.

I had a great New Years though, as in the best ever, so that was pretty sweet. Lots of booze and good times, so no complaints from me.

I haven't caught a complete episode of RAW in a while, but I am pretty up to date on the goings on, and I have been enjoying what I see. Muhammed Hassan has become a rather huge heel on RAW, and the gimmick, though distasteful to some, is pretty damn funny to me, especially since he pretty much just has the mentality of the liberal left.

Anyway, that is the news in Gonzo-ville. Make sure you check out my "Indiana Jones parody" in TWF Entertainment and see if you enjoy it. Give it a read. Let's get on with the triumphant return of the Physic PS2.

NEW YEAR'S REVOLUTION

The WWE decided to revolutionize New Years by having it 9 days after the "socially acceptable day." Let's see if it is worth the viewing.
 
MATCH #1
JERRY LAWLER vs. MUHAMMED HASSAN

Let's see here, no Jerry Lawler. So let's see, who else in this game epitomizes the American Spirit just like Lawler does (dating girls 30 years your junior and bragging about it). Let's go with Ric Flair! Whoo! Now for the traitorous American, who represents the liberal left, and has turned on his country before.Sgt. Slaughter! This match is on. Damn I should have chosen the Iron Sheik. Ok new match. Slaughter is now Jerry Lawler and the Iron Sheik is Muhammed Hassan. I like this match already. Before the match the Sheik spits on some kids face.Slaughter comically searches under the ring for those "damned WMDs". Match starts with Sheik "Pearl Harboring" Slaughter, which leads me to believe that I have all of my racial slurs mixed up. In a strange side note, the Sheik's pants are red/white/and blue. I ask the Sheik what this means and he says, in his best Keanu Reeves impression: "This means, I am Arab American." The crowd starts the ever popular "USA" chant while Slaughter works on the Sheiks neck, which shows that digitized audiences are just as clichéd as real live ones. The Sheik is totally dominating Slaughter and makes me sad to be an American. He hits a dope pile driver and a side slam but the American spirit is TOO MUCH!! Slaughter is Hulking up!! He grabs a phone and calls in an air strike! The American spirit is alive in this man! Unfortunately they get their coordinates mixed up and bomb a young orphan shelter down the street. They say the children were manufacturing love there, but Slaughter says it was WMD's! God damn this match is endless. ONE OF YOU LOSE ALREADY!! Slaughter to the top rope and drops the BOMBS OVER BAGHDAD!! Now THAT should be Hassan's finisher and every time he does it he should start dancing like he was in a club. This match is never ending, I swear. If there is no ending soon, I am just going to tell Hebner to "ring the fucking bell". That's it, this match has now wandered into the 20 min territory and has 2 minutes to conclude or I turn it off. God damn finally we get a pin as Sheiky hits a rib breaker for the pin. Fucking awful.

GRADE: F

MATCH #2
WILLIAM REGAL & EUGENE vs. CHRISTIAN & TOMKO

Since I only have one of these characters in the game, I will be forced to move on.

MATCH #3
INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE
SHELTON BENJAMIN © vs. MAVEN

No Maven so I will use someone with similar looks and skill level: Jazz. Jazz blows her first spot of the match by punching the air and allowing Shelton to wollop her good. I interviewed Shelton before the match and was told that he was content beating up on Jazz because "that can't be a woman." The ass kicking continues, but Jazz tries to mount a comeback, but the only thing she can really mount is asshole (get it, cause she is a he/she). Jazz starts getting in some offense because Shelton starts screaming "This guy doesn't have a dick!!" Jazz then snaps on a headlock from behind allowing Shelton to say, "Oh wait, there it is" and he takes the match over again. Shelton kills her dead with a release German and pins her clean. He then takes a dump on her chest. Everyone thinks it is an improvement on her looks.

GRADE: C+

MATCH #4
KANE vs. GENE SNITSKY

No Snitsky so we need a talent less roided up freak and Scott Steiner will do. Ha! I forgot Kane has the Rachel haircut in this game when he has the towel on his head. What a fag. I also figure that Steiner would be a good replacement since they both must hate the fact that steroids have ruined any chance of them having non-retarded babies. That probably explains Snitsky's whole gimmick. Kane completely dissects Steiner and hits the chokeslam 2 minutes into the match, but it is the dreaded ropebreak! Kane continues the domination and tells Steiner that he is going to birth a baby to replace the one that Snitsky killed. He then stuffs his hand up Steiner's ass, pulls out his prostate, wraps it in a blanket and has it suckle at his teat. He then has "baby Kane" pin Steiner after a chokeslam.

GRADE: C

MATCH #5
ELIMINATION CHAMBER

Shit what are the odds that I had ALL of the characters for the chamber. Must be my lucky day. Match starts with Benoit and Edge going at it in a debate over whose spinal fusion surgery was more radical. Benoit says enough with the talking and tosses Edge to the metal. 5 seconds, and the next entrant is.TRIPLE H!!! Edge and Benoit "pass out from Triple H's aura" and Trips pins them both. Just kidding. Next entrant is.Randy Orton! Or Stone Cold Orton, or The Randy. He goes to the top of the chamber and eats shit! Not in the way Pat Patterson did, but he just hits the mat and Edge laughs. Next entrant is.BATISTA! He goes after Randy, but gets beaten up andn then goes after Edge and gets beaten up too. Way to push those new stars! Last entrant is Chris Jericho who trips on the way in and allows Triple H to pin him. All the guys pair off and it reminds me of my New Years party except with 15 less half naked, oily men. So far nobody has need eliminated, but Benoit hits the Cross face on Batista!! Spear on Trips by Edhge from the top rope! Spear on Trips by Edge from the top of the CAGE! Holy Shit! Pedigree on Edge eliminates him. The carnage continues as Trips alternates beating on Orton and Benoit. Pedigree on Jericho kills him dead even though he was at full energy. Damn. BATISTA GOING UP AND MISSES EVERYTHING! Benoit and Batista go at it and Trips and Randy pair off. RKO on Trips! Batista saves him. SPINE BUSTER on Benoit! Pedigree is reversed by Orton. Swandive by Benoit kills Batista for the pin. Final 3 is Orton, Benoit and Trips, who goes up to the top of the cage and lands on his quad. Pedigree on Benoit and that is that. Final 2, Trips and Randy. Superplex on Orton. Trips goes all the way up to the top and hits a knee drop for 2!Face buster and Randy blades! Pedigree and that is that. Trips survives the Chamber AGAIN. Frantically great match.

GRADE: A

And thus wraps up another PPV from the WWE. Their first of the year seems somewhat watch- able, if only for the Chamber and seeing Triple H win the title again. Until next time all, I wish you all a fond farewell and have a great New Year. Remember not to ejaculate in your books, because how else will you do your math homework?

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).