Acerbic Treats 7.29.2004 Why have a tag line, just READ!
Welcome everyone to a brand new “Acerbic Treats”. Never imitated and rarely updated Gonzo is back, recovered from Vegas and ready to unleash his wrestling goodness and insight on the internet public. I came back from Vegas $400 poorer and hopped up on downers and hopped down on uppers. As of right now, though, my lawyer has advised me to not to discuss the trip any further.
A while ago I had plugged the “Undertaker’s Deadjournal”, quite possibly the funniest Taker parody ever, I never posted the link to the website itself, so here it is. Give it a read. If you know anything about Wrestling politics and the WWE of the past 3 years, including the Taker dirt, then this will be one of the funniest sites ever. Enjoy.
Just picked up the Chris Benoit DVD as well, and I must say after watching only 3 matches (Bret vs. Chris “Owen Tribute”, Chris vs. Kurt “RR’, Chris vs. Trips vs. Shawn “Mania 20”) this DVD has been MORE than worth it. Look for a review forthcoming.
Anyway, I think that’s enough bullshitting for now. Let us go forth to the content and don’t forget to READ EVERYONE’S STUFF AND VISIT THE FORUM!
BROCK MAKES VIKINGS PROUD
After months of keeping us on tenterhooks, the Minnesota Vikings have announced that they are signing Brock Lesnar to a contract. This equals one of the few times that a person has actually left the world of wrestling to the world of a slightly less primadonna, predetermined sport. But I need to ask, is this really a surprise?
Brock Lesnar is a 6’3” 285lb ass kicker, twice the size of your normal man. Place a nice set of flowing blonde locks a shield and armor and what have you got? An actual Viking! His name is even Brock for Christ’s sake. Do we need any more evidence here? Brock playing for them is truly a match made in heaven. Brock was born to be a Viking and I’m sure John Nord (the “Berserker”) is rolling over in his grave wondering why he didn’t come up with this gimmick first. We all know where this will lead if Brock ever returns to the WWE: the return of the Berserkers with Brock and Nord tearing up the tag-team ranks.
The best part of all of this? Madden 2006. I can’t wait to hear Madden slur along the play by play involving Brock Lesnar and then yelling “F-5! F-5! F-5!” like Michael Cole (except not as faggoty) whenever Brock makes a tackle. We can also expect Brock on the cover of Madden 2006, leading to the Madden curse kicking in and Brock being injured or cut, and returning to the WWE like all washed up football players do. Brock, your horned helmet and shield are being kept nice and warm for you.
SEAN O’HAIRE OPENS A CAN…Of “Diet Bitch Soda”
After a short stint with the WWE where he had the chance to unload his talent on the entire roster, politics deemed O’Haire not talented enough to work WWE style and he was busted down to OVW and then released. A few months of pent up frustration has led O’Haire to unload on two women according to them. Sean (O’Haire, not Carless) says that he was assaulted after rejecting the girls who asked him to dance.
I really liked O’Haire as a wrestler, and few remember he was the first monster in the WWE to use the F-5 (go back to the Invasion angle the night ECW/WCW and see O’Haire unload on Kane). I also really enjoy the company of women, although every now an then, a slap in the face towards the kitchen, just to remind her of her place is acceptable and warranted. I doubt I can choose a side in this entire situation, but after reading the Ric Flair book, I’m forced to reminisce. Remember a time where if a wrestler could work he was pretty much given a chance in the biz? Dr. Gonzo remembers. Remember a time where you would buy $5000 robes, throw money around and get all the ladies? Dr. Gonzo remembers. Remember a time where you could walk out of your dressing room, naked and tap a girl on the head with your dick and she would squeal…with excitement? No women’s lib crap, no cops, just one person putting another in a degrading situation and they both loved it. Dr. Gonzo can’t because last time he tried that he got a stiletto heel shoved into his hairy beanbag. But I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.
SMACKDOWN ON THE WAY UP?
I caught SD for the first time in months today and I must say I was impressed. The show seems to be heading in a nice direction. With the appointment of a new GM (“Why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles” A cookie for whoever recognizes that line first). I am tolerating JBL as a heel, but I would still rather have herpes. Kurt Angle will FINALLY make his way into the ring, but I find that his use of the GM role to keep out of wrestling to be rather anti-Angle. Angle is a WRESTLER, who covets the WWE Championship, who wouldn’t want to keep out of the ring for any reason. The GM role should have been a PUNISHMENT for Kurt Angle, not a safe haven. Eddie Guerrero is coming off of a nice title run and is the biggest face in the company along with John Cena and those three men (with Angle) should put together a nice string of matches for the next few weeks.
Unfortunately JBL vs. Taker is going to suck the proverbial dick, but we must take baby steps. Can’t go from shit to gold in a week. I only hope that we finally get to see HEI-DEN-REICH soon, because it would make for a good laugh seeing them create another Brock with this guy by giving him Heyman as a manager. I still think Luther Reigns would make a better Brock replacement than HE-DEN-REICH, but who am I? Just a drugged up writer.
CHYNA: MAN OR WOMAN?
Don’t treat you like a woman or a man? You have a sex video that you want released? What is wrong with Chyna? She is judging a tranny contest? What is going on here? I personally have come to a conclusion. Chyna is nothing more than a tool of terrorism. Just when we think she’s gone, she launches an attack with her voice (constructed at decibels the likes of which are unheard of from a woMAN with a dong) or by her presence. She then opens up Pandora’s Box, unleashing nightmares for all who can picture her digging Sean (once again not Carless) Waltman a hole to Chyna.
Chyna is terrorism. She appears out of nowhere, assaults the senses, and leaves you drenched in blood, sweat and tears, never returning to your former state of comfort. She induces fear and often requires translation when on video or audio. You Chyna should have an assult launched on you by the US government, or, even better, Sean O’Haire. But I would weep for how you would terrorize his asshole.
You and I agree about one thing. I won’t treat you like a woman or a man. I’ll treat you like what you are: A piece of shit that I avoid stepping close to at all costs.
Well Gonzo has reached his limit right now. It is currently quite late at night and he needs some sleep. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed the column, and keep on supporting the Fan by reading, writing, joining the forums and spreading the word. Take care.
“I’m sorry, did you just call me a liar?”
“No, I said you were fired.”
“Well. That’s much worse.”
Welcome everyone to the latest installment of Acerbic Treats. It’s been a long time since I have bestowed my infinite intelligence on you all, but after doing the Smallville reviews, starting a new job, and getting an X-Box, as well as San Andreas and Paper Mario 2, it makes for one lazy writer, and one busy son of a bitch too. I must say that the release of Halo 2 has me really looking forward to next week, but since I have started my job it has made for one guy who doesn’t really have time to spend on videogames during the week. I must now be forced to wait for the weekends to play games like a common criminal. Disgusting, huh? It makes me a sad panda.
On the topic of videogames, the early word on “Smackdown vs. RAW” seems to be poor at best fir those who already shelled out for “Here Comes the Pain” a few years ago. Seems like Yukes released the same game, with the same engine, with less characters, crappy voice acting, and terrible announcing, which was supposed to make this a better “sequel”, but the joke’s on us. Spending $50 on this is a complete waste since it offers really nothing new to the genre, and only tweaks some of the already existing match options.
Anyway, other than the usual crap life has been pretty much the same here for me, but life as a wrestler in the WWE really has it’s ups and downs since the WWE started shooting off more people than a roller coaster with no seatbelts. So far ten WWE “superstars” have been released, so let’s take a quick look at them and see if their impacts on the sport.
DROPPING A TON OF SHIT
TEST: Perhaps the most notable of the wrestlers on the chopping block, the WWE spent years and years pushing this fucker down our throats as a threat to any and all wrestlers in the industry. They had him as one of the bigger babyfaces in the company when they ran the whole “I’m going to date the bosses daughter” angle, but Stephanie, taking a page out of the Undertaker and Kane books of wrestling, no sold the angle, and ran with Triple H instead, and WWE television has never been the same since. After a short stint in the UNION of Domination, the wedding angle went awry, and Test spent a few months doing nothing of interest. Fast forward to the draft where they announced the duo of Stacy Kiebler and Test as a new couple of RAW. The addition of the real life couple was supposed to put Test over, because the guys who lust after Stacy would in turn cheer the guy that’s boning her because we respect the fact that he was able to tame the 41 inch thighs of heaven. Yeah right. They immediately cut all his hair off, and unveiled the “spiky haired Test”. The long hair will forever be missed because not only did it cover his strange chipmunk cheeks, but also his teeth that had a weird green tint to them. What, no dentist in your “extreme makeover”? Stacy then unveiled the marketing genius behind making Test the wrestler the fans could cheer by unveiling the “testicles” angle. The more said about that the better, but I’m really lazy so let’s move on.
After the utter failure to get over by calling your fans part of the genitalia, they immediately turned him heel with the “abusive boyfriend” angle. I wasn’t sure how this made Test a heel though, because if my girlfriend tried the shit Stacy did with my image, I would give her a gimmick too: the “black eyed wonder”. Enter perennial washout Scott Steiner who “saved” Stacy at many instances and led to some terrible Test/Steiner matches until Steiner turned heel too and beat up on Stacy as well. They then formed an intimidating duo. This always struck me as ironic since Test’s fan’s were called “testicles” and Steiner lacked any because of years of steroid abuse. Test then broke his foot, resurfaced a few times and then disappeared into frantic oblivion, never to be heard of, or missed again.
JOHNNY STAMBOLI: Umm, next.
JAZZ: After doing what Chyna couldn’t do (i.e. Wrestle men in a fairly convincing match), Jazz joined the WWE after ECW folded to “freshen up” the women’s division. Many had high hopes for her after seeing her abilities in the ECW ring, but she soon proved that talent ain’t forever by sucking up in the ring in practically all of her WWE matches. She rarely ever put on a decent match with a few rare exceptions and also because of her sub par opponents who were unable to sell any moves convincingly or even know how to take a submission move. The fans never got into her, and right before she was set to join a stable with Teddy Long and real life partner Rodney Mack, she was injured and came back to little or no fanfare. Jazz we hardly knew ye, and the parts that we did know, we hated. November 2004, the month the music died.
RODNEY MACK: To prove that the WWE only know stereotypes, look at Rodney Mack. Well actually look at that new Hassan guy, that is a certified seal of authenticity there. Mack came into the WWE one week as the replacement for Bull Buchanan in John Cena’s hip hop duo, as Red Dogg, but the week after jumped to RAW to replace D-Lo Brown in his “WWE is a racist” gimmick that seemed to skyrocket D-Lo to the top, his only significant push after he killed Droz. Mack spent his first match nearly killing Al Snow with a butterfly suplex so bad that he seemed to be channeling Scott Steiner. He went to have a few more matches including the famous “White boy challenges” before being injured and never heard from again. Until this week when he was released.
BILLY GUNN: We all know what REALLY happened here. Check out my last column for details.
A-TRAIN: Ah the old Gay Train. The hairiest man on SD. It seemed to me that A-Train had all the makings of a good, solid, midcard heel, but the fans never really bought into him. He had a terrible look, but his moves were really solid and crisp for a guy of his size, and he was able to unleash some really nice power moves too, but his poor workrate and his constant pushes despite fan apathy and his repeated putting over Benoit earned him some hate. After a push that saw him join Team Lesnar last year or so, A-Train disappeared into the island of gay wrestlers where he will now reside.
GAIL KIM: People who have followed my writing for a while (and that’s pretty much nobody) has known of my utter hatred of this woman. All these stupid fanboys started calling Gail Kim the second coming of Christ (albeit a Korean version) for the Women’s division and said she would spruce it up. Well after weeks of buildup as the Matrix Chick, she arrived, won the title, and to the shock of nobody, never got over at all. Her matches were laughable at best and consisted of her trying to rip off Ricky Steamboat, and attempting to make the arm drag into a viable transition move, match opener, set up move and finisher. She botched her fair share of moves and in the women’s division that’s saying a lot. Near th end of her run, she tried to slut herself up by dressing more and more skanky, but it was too little too late. Don’t botch arm drag the door on your way out Gail.
NIDIA: After winning “Tough Enough” for no discernable reason, Nidia debut as the girlfriend of Jamie Noble in the perfect white trash role, something that she seemed strangely comfortable in. This provided some hilarious vignettes for us, and things seemed to go great for a while. Noble dominated the Cruiserweight division, and Nidia was his white trash bride. Unfortunately, a Tajiri mist in the face caused her to go blind and labeled the end of Nidia. She turned up on RAW to “shake up” the women’s division, but the only shaking I wanted to see was of her giant fun bags. She was a solid contributor to the division, but not solid enough. She couldn’t avoid “Manos: The Hands of Fate”.
CHUCK PALUMBO: Horrible name aside, he was part of one of the bigger mass media, embarrassing angles for the WWE. Playing the role of an “Alleged” gay guy, with Billy Gunn, they decided to get married on TV only for it to be (surprise, surprise) a wrestling angle. Unfortunately, the media had taken a liking to the whole thing and commended the WWE fir their actions, finally offering a positive angle that isn’t exploitative. Boy, did they get shit on, while they were tossing the WWE’s salad. After the angle ran, all the praises were retracted and the WWE looked like a guy who brought a girl to Bradshaw’s birthday party. Palumbo then tried to man up by joining the super pussy group, the FBI, and jobbed infinitely before he was released.
RICO: The saddest if the releases. I really liked this guy. After debuting as the stylist for Billy and Chuck, Rico turned on them at the wedding and launched out on his own. He slowly turned into a really, really gay wrestler, accompanied by Jackie everywhere as to question whether he is gay of not. I always thought the Rico gimmick was a great present day Goldust angle that could have been great if it was done correctly. Unfortunately the WWE never saw it past a joke gimmick and release d him.
It seems as if the WWE isn’t done with the releases yet as it seems they will wait until their staff is having Thanksgiving dinner before firing them. It’s just the WWE way. Surprised they didn’t have Patterson wait until the holiday’s since he is such a fan of stuffing things up asses. That one was for you Sean.
Anyway, take care guys. Enjoy the firings, and I’ll see you around.
Howdy to all out there in internet land. It's been a while since I have updated and even been online, but work has kept me damn busy and I've had a pretty shitty week on top of it, so that means complete lack of motivation.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).