ACERBIC TREATS 01.24.04: PS2 ROYAL RUMBLE GOODNESS AND OTHER NONSENSICAL SHIT
Hello and welcome back to "Acerbic Treats," never duplicated, and rarely updated. I must apologize for my absence for so long, as after coming back from Vegas, I was worn out and then I started school and the workload has been monumental. On top of having a girlfriend, and going to school, I haven't watched RAW or SD in over a month so I really have nothing to say about the whole "wrestling" scene. I was (or still am) planning to write a column on the joys of Rico, and how his character could get REALLY over if pushed the proper way.
I also managed to get my hands on both the Ric Flair and Mick Foley DVDs, and let me tell you they are worth the $25, especially the Foley DVD. Sure the Flair DVD is fantastic and a great history of his career, but the Foley matches are BRUTAL (and in some cases brutal to sit through). I plan on writing reviews for both (a non mark review mind you, ***** for Flair vs. Harley Race in the cage? PLEASE) in the coming weeks (or months by the rate of my column), so be prepared for goodness!
Vegas was great, lots of drinking and shit like that. Planning a trip to Rosarito for Spring Break with my girlfriend and my friends so that should be a lot of fun (especially for me, room to ourselves, you know, lots of messing around, with my girlfriend, not my friends, you sick freaks). Anyway, I am looking forward to that, and since it will be Wrestlemania time this will make a nice segue into the Royal Rumble, the second largest PPV of the year, where the winner goes to Wrestlemania 20, lets go to the predictions (a gimmick trademarked by Gonzo Inc., so don't nobody steal my shit, ya heard?!
By the way, welcome to Gadaffi Duck, and Michael Melchor, two damn fine writers. It ain't often that I have seniority over other writers on a website, but HA! I do! Take that IWC!! Anyway, I welcome them and urge any of my readers (where are you? It's so lonely here.) to check out there columns. They are both really talented and funny so read them Damnit.
ROYAL RUMBLE PREDICTIONS AS TOLD BY MY PSYCHIC PS2
As I was 2-4 in my last set of predictions maybe I should rename it the "Educated Guess" PS2. Oh well, on with the show.
Uncle Eddie (Tio Eddie) vs. Little Chavo (Chavito) I say Eddie takes this, but who the hell am I to try and guess. No Chavo Sr. in this game unfortunately. In my game Eddie is the Cruiserweight Champ, so he is even being underutilized here too. Should be quality here, though. Back and forth action to start, and they do the ECW pose, but nobody cares. Chavo is taking it to Eddie, kicking the shit out of him, but here comes Eddie with THE KICK TO THE BACK, into THE GORY SPECIAL!!!! Chavo fights back with submissions and pin attempts but doesn't realize Eddie is in the ropes all the time, causing the dreaded ROPE BREAK. Chavo fights back and slaps on the psychology, working Eddie's arm consistently. Eddie hits some of his patented offense and the do the same sequence of moves 2 times in a row. Come on THQ, diversify. AND THEN THEY DO IT A THIRD TIME!!! So far this match is wack. DOUBLE KO!!! But Eddie has a Smackdown Icon, it maybe time to get Froggy! No wait, Chavo has the icon, it may be time to get Frogito! Now they both have them, who will hit the move first? REF BUMP, REF BUMP!!!! Chavo Irish whips Eddie into the turnbuckles 7 times, until it is reversed and Eddie hits a Superplex for the win. Blah. * 1/2
REY vs. JAMIE NOBLE
Ok, no Jamie, so I will have to do some creative substitution. And the replacement (or scab) is..Chavo! No I want someone funnier.Sgt. SLAUGHTER!!!!!!! It's time for Rey to go to BOOT CAMP! To make it fair I am giving Rey 5 SD Icons to start the match. Slaughter gets zero for being a deserter during the Persian Gulf conflict. REF BUMP immediately starts off the match. Slaughter grabs a table!!! But it just stays there. 619!! WEST COAST POP, for 2. ANOTHER 619 and WCP!!! That gets 2. Another pin gets 1. Slaughter fights back and takes Rey down, and counters the 619, TWICE!! Damn Rey was getting greedy. Here it comes, COBRA CLUTCH!!!!! Selling animation for that move is ridiculous. 619, WCP!!!! That gets 2 again!! Slaughter will not go down. Rey is no Randy Orton, I must say. Rey counters the CC, but Slaughter kicks the shit out of him anyway. Pin attempt for 2. Here comes the CAMEL CLUTCH!! REY TAPS!! **
Winner Sergeant Jamie Noble
EVOLUTION vs. DUDLEY BOYZ in a TABLE MATCH Evolution goes out and brings in the wood, which is probably hard for Flair at his age. Flair ties to put Bubba through, but it is countered. Bautista Bomb starts off the match, but there ain't any pinfalls dumbass!! Flair is piledriven on a TABLE, but it doesn't break!! D-von them puts Bautista through one for the win. Former Brother beats up the former Deacon. What Deacon? The Deacon your mouth!! DUD Winners: Dudleyz
HARDCORE HOLLY vs. BROCK Hmm, no Holly, so I will once again have to do creative substitution. Now to find someone that equals Holly's talent, and deserves a title shot just as much as he does..pressing square, and it is JAZZ, JAZZ!!! Jazz looks like a man, but is damn talented, maybe a bit more than Holly. That may make up for her 4.5 in the strength department compared to Brock's 10. I sense a lopsided victory here. Jazz starts punching the air, but eats BROCK CLOTHESLINE!! Jazz fights back and PLANTS Brock with a DDT, , but a Spinebuster stops her momentum. Seriously, her spine flew out of her back. She could probably change her name to Drazz now. Oh oh, here it comes F5, F5, F5!!!!!but Brock picks her up and CHOKESLAMS, AND ELBOW DROPS HER!! Jazz is still fighting, but Brock punches her in the face 3 times, pins and gets 2!! Powerbomb by Jazz is countered into the DDT (Samurai Driver) FOR THE 3. Good fight put up by Jazz. I don't want to call her Hardcore Jazz, cause that is a picture, I DO NOT want to have in my head. *
TRIPS vs. JESUS
I will give them both 5 SD icons cause these LMS matches take forever in this game. Trips is still in good shape in this game. This is before he consumed Stephanie's right tit. Quick start and TRIPS HITS THE PEDIGREE!! Jesus gets up, and hits Sweet Chin Music!!! TRIPS SPIKES HIM WITH ANOTHER PEDIGREE!! But Jesus gets up and hits SCM AGAIN! Trips gets up and clubs Shawn down while he does his fruity dance and hits ANOTHER PEDIGREE!! Jesus is up again and they brawl and TRIP HITS ANOTHER PEDIGREE!! No counting yet. Jesus hits SCM again, but Trips is up. Another SCM and Trips is up again!! SCM is countered into a wicked Pedigree and ref is counting. JESUS IS DOWN, but resurrects himself at 5! A table is brought into the ring by the Jesus. They brawl some more and TRIPS HITS ANOTHER PEDIGREE making Jesus bleed, but Jesus is up at 4. I gotta have more Pedigree, and Trips delivers!! Jesus is up at 5 again! Jesus takes Trips up and hits a Superplex and the Jesus elbow off the top, but Trips is all "You want some dinner~ SWERVE", PEDIGREE, and ANOTHER"!! Jesus is up at 3. He must be "converting up." ANOTHER Pedigree and the Jesus is fucking down, but gets up at 4! Pedigree number 35, and Jesus ain't moving, 7-8-9-10!!! The Man with the iron cross on his tights beats Jesus (I know, it ain't NEARLY as good as Sean's Goldberg, Trips, Elimination Chamber joke, but what the hell)!!! ***1/2
I dunno how to change the order in this game, so The Rock is #1, followed by BONE COLD, BONE COLD, BONE COLD at #2!! What a way to start off the Rumble. Kevin Nash is #3, and lumbers to the ring, followed by Benoit at #4, and Shawn at #5. Nash eliminates Rocky, and BC eliminates Benoit. Charlie Haas is #6 and gets rid of BC, and Nash takes out Shawn. D-von is #7 followed by Rico at #8, Stevie is #9, as Haas is dumped by D-von as is Rico, Ultimo Dragon is #10 and is IMMEDIATELY eliminated by D-von, the unstoppable monster. Rey is #11, followed by Booker T at #12, and RVD at #13, RVD kicks Stevie out of the ring, and Test is #14, this is a ring full of jobbers, but D-von is obviously groomed for the main event as he gets rid of Nash too, Test rolls the dice on Booker as RVD is thrown out by Rey, Lance Storm is #15, as Test gets rid of Booker T and then sadly Lance, as his giant dick isn't enough to save him, Randy Orton is #16 and Shelton Benjamin is #17 and enters right as Test eliminates Rey, Chavo is #18, and Scott Steiner is #19, Shelton eliminates Orton and Chavo as Steiner gets rid of the workhorse D-Von!!! Taker is #20, AND SHELTON DUMPS HIM IMMEDIATELY!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Christian is #21 and Eddie is #22. Steiner dumps Shelton, and Kane is #23, Trips is #24 as he obviously wants the WWE Title as well and run both shows, Trips dumps Eddie (affirmative action my ass), Kane dumps Steiner and Christian, Edge is #25, and KURT ANGLE is #26 BOO YEAH!! Brock is #27 as the ring is now high quality. He immediately starts kicking ass. NOOO, KANE ELIMINATES KURT!!! Trips unloads pedigrees here as if each one is another syringe of HGH in his ass cheek. #28 is Jericho, but Trips dumps him immediately to establish dominance, #29 MATT HARDY!!!! Brock is dumped by Edge, Kane takes out TRIPS!!! Test is still in there by the way, and he eliminates Kane! Who gets the coveted #30 slot? 3-2-1- GOLDBERG!!!! Edge dumps Matt, BOO!!!! Goldberg tkes out Test and it is the BATTLE OF THE SPEARS!!! Edge dominates and almost dumps Goldie, but the Bret killer stops him in his tracks. Goldie reverses a whip and DUMPS EDGE!!! WINNER GOLDBERG!!!! For the first time in history the #30 man has won the rumble!! **
Well so ends another Rumble. A decent event, and all that shit, but I hope Benoit goes all the way. Anyway, take care and I will be back with more acerbic goodness my fellow gonzonites.
Acerbic Treats 02.20.04 Where have I been?
Yo and welcome back to Acerbic Treats, and I am once again apologetic for not updating sooner as I have been fucked with work. In the last 6 weeks I have read 13 books, taken 2 midterms and written 2 papers. Because of this I haven't caught RAW or SD in a few weeks (and I am sure I haven't been missing much, you dig?). Well on top of that my girlfriend has been taking up much of my free time, hanging out and chatting, you know how that is. Once again the woman gets blamed for the mans problem (that's why I blame Steph for Trips weight gain.or is that just Stephanie with a blonde wig? I have stumbled onto something new, eh?) Anyway, onto the show!
-Word is Undertaker is returning at WM20, but as the old "dead man" gimmick. My take is that the job is suited for Triple H (get it cause he buries people)? Nothing would be better than for the RAW Main Event, the gong hits, and Trips walks out in Purple and Block, complete with gay looking tears in the corner of his eyes. He has the gut working out for him too. Looks like he is trying to be Ric Flair.at 50 years old.
-Shawn Michaels tore his ACL. Hmmm, looks like someone lost his smile.again .So it seems as if the old adage, "What goes around, comes around" rings true? Looks like the Clique is falling like flies, and God is holding the can of Raid. There is so much irony here it is delicious.
-Monday Night Wars is selling fast. Seems as if the WWE found their niche: fans who want a jaded, nonsensical, biased look at the Monday Night battle. "Ted Turner says if you don't watch Nitro he will eat your babies!!"
-Bruno Sammartino has rejected an appearance with the WWE at WM20. I guess the idea of losing to Trips in a 30 second warm-up match wasn't to his liking. Well he obviously isn't a team player, right Jean? He probably couldn't wrestle WWE style anyway.
-Tammy Sytch has announced her retirement from wrestling.to become a stewardess. "Who wants coke with their fucking coke?!?"
-Joanie "Chyna Doll" Laurer cancelled her appearance on NWA: TNA because, as rumor has it, she confused JJ for HHH, seeing as they are both spoiled, over-pushed daddies boys. She was scared that he was going to date her, pop her fake tit, dump her for Jerry Jarrett's daughter, and then she would be forced to date his former best friend that looks like a wet rat. I really don't blame her.
An ok show from what I heard, but I managed to download the Eddie vs. Brock match off of a popular downloading program (rhymes with Shmazaa), and I must say it was pretty damn entertaining. Given a **** + rating by most on the net, the match got the job done, and finally reached the top. I am drooling for the Angle vs. Eddie match, especially since heel Kurt finally returned and gave Eddie a SOLID beat down the likes of which we haven't seen out of Kurt in a long time. There was intensity, integrity and intelligence in that attack, and we can be glad to know Kurt won't resort to cheap racist humor to get himself over, unlike two certain wrestlers that represent the idyllic notions of the Arian brotherhood. Eddie did an awesome blade job as well to put the angle over even further. I can't wait for this guaranteed show stealer.
ROCKY Where the hell were you man? The beat-down on Mick was SCREAMING for your intervention, and you never came to save us from the terrible, boring, long running, never ending Evilution asskicking. No chairs? No weapons? Just kicking and punching and kicking and punching and RKO and punching and kicking. I felt I was in a Tai Bo class, and it was a cockfest let me tell you.
Well I seem to be just burned out of ideas right now and I really have nothing else of importance to mention here unfortunately. I will be back in no later than 2 weeks (that is a guarantee) with a Wrestlemania PS2 column for your enjoyment. Until next time, take care, and keep watching the stars.
TREATS 03.13.04: Slamboree Preview!.....
Yeah right. It's a Wrestlmania Column, what the fuck were you expecting? Right now, I am in the middle of finals so I thought I would pound out a column for the biggest wrestling event of the year and technically the biggest PPV of all time. I would first like to apologize for the really shitty job I did on the round table questions. My email account decided to bend me over and give me the Stephanie McMahon Special not letting me connect until right before the deadline so I was forced to write a slimmed down, completely UNFUNNY prediction and answers, which could be a good thing if you think I am an unfunny asswipe. If you do: fuck you.
Once again I have managed to catch ZERO RAW or Smackdown episodes the past few weeks, but from what I hear I am NOT missing much. And dont blame me for the slumping ratings either Vinnie Mac, I am not a neilson member. Go yell at them. The hard sell for Mania is looking like the worst buildup since Trips and Steiner decided to have a fag-off leading to their match at No Mercy. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Goldberg's commitments has made what was the biggest match on the PPV more like Brock vs. Austin, and I cant wait for Brock to leave after Mania and we can get someone on Smackdown to say how he dropped the ball about 400 times. Might as well move Trips over to SD when that happens because putting down wrestlers is exactly what he excels in.
Speaking of putting down wrestlers, Old School Taker is coming back, and me in 1995 could not be any happier. Granted I loved Taker when he was the Dead Man, I especially enjoyed the demonic Taker with the badass costume and killer goatee, but unfortunately it has been reported that he hates that gimmick. I dont know why, he almost managed to marry Stephanie McMahon when she was getting to be hot. Lord knows he would have secured his spot at the top if he did marry her: no selling, title runs, constant victories over younger, more talented wrestlers, druids, naked Mideon, the list goes on and on.
It is also reported that good old Paul Bearer might return at the side of the Undertaker. This coming after Bearer constantly denies this fact on his website message board, but many are saying that he is just doing this to keep up appearances. You know what they say: Bulbous fatasses dont break kayfabe(I keed, I keed).
Nothing can really compare to the whole Rob Feinstein incident that is patrolling the net right now. There is nothing I can really add on the whole topic. I'll leave that to the professionals. I'll pretend you said 18 LOLZ2004!!!! Doctor Gonzo prescribes a hot beef injection for this pederast bitch. Oh well, he could just show up at the Oscars and get a standing ovation after winning and directing a boring piece of shit.
As usual, check out Sean's column, videogame review, blog, and anywhere else you can, cause this guy is class. Chris Freda and I had a good chat on AIM the other day, and he enlightened me on a few indy topics, and I am forever in his debt, so read his column! Michael Melchor continues to do double duty here and at 411, so check out his solid column. Gadaffi Duck returns as well with another solid column so check it out and love it. Also Jason Hart and Harry Simon are both very talented writers so if you havent done so, head over and read their work. And I have not welcomed our two new writers Renee and Richard. Gonzo says welcome, but if you try and take my spot on the roster I will feed you some soup bones, Undertaker style! Sean really has gathered up some great talent here, so I thought I would pay my respects to them, I will leave the regular pimp section to Sean baby for the most part though. By the way, Sean gets major props for his last few pics. Photoshop + Sean= HILARITY! Well enough of the mindless chatter, lets go to my patented PS2 predictions!
DR. GONZO'S WRESTLEMANIA 20 PREDICTIONS VIA MY PSYCHIC PS2 ©
(Please note, I do my best JR impression by placing words in caps lock for dramatic effect. Unfortunately that is the extent of my impression since I call the moves correctly and shit, call the moves at all) Current Record: 5-6
CRUISERWEIGHT BATTLE ROYAL
Since only 4 of the wrestlers involved are in the game, I used Rey, Chavo, Tajiri, Ultimo, Eric Bischoff and Rico and this is a Battle Royal cause I am too lazy to do different matches for each winner, so take this and love it. Damnit I forgot to take entrances off, this will take forever. And why is Chavo still coming out to Eddies music? They broke up like 3 weeks ago, this game needs to get with the times. Bischoff comes out in a DOPE kung fu gi (I think that is how it is spelled) and it is gonna be on like DK. This game is rated teen so Rico's homosexuality is toned down significantly. If only RF (from ROH and Video fame) made this game. We can dream cant we? Rico, I'll pretend you said 18 LOLZ2004!?!?!? Bischoff works over the champ Chavo and Rico starts flying around the ring. I guess Arnold hasn't annulled his marriage yet. Bodies are flying everywhere like in a true cruiserweight match and REF BUMP!!!! That Ultimate Dragon sure is something, I wonder why he isn't being pushed (that is a joke for all of you readers of the Taker Deadjournal one of the funniest things ever. Email me if you need help finding it, it truly is brilliant). KICK OF DEATH TO REY, BUT REY KICKS OUT!!! This is Mania after all. Bischoff DIVING HEADBUTT onto Rico!!! No euphemisms there folks! UD with the DragonSAULT and pins BISCHOFF for the elimination!! Lots of close falls here, as this match is SOLID! ULTIMATE DRAGON DDT onto REY, but Rey kicked out again!!! I think we found out who Biker Taker gave his powers to. CHAVO pins Rico for 3 as Rey hits the 619 onto UD!! WCP!!! Rey picks up Ultimo, pins him again and picks him up again!! What the hell, Rey truly took Takers powers, and his I'll squash this jobber cause this is my yard gimmick. KICK OF DEATH by TAJIRI unto CHAVO FOR 3!! Its Tajiri, UD and Rey left. UD Pearl Harbors Tajiri and he and Rey work over the buzzsaw for a while exchanging close pinfalls with him. Northern Lights Suplex by UG gets 2!! Rey then goes after UD and kicks Tajiri down too. UD DDT IS BLOCKED BY REY!! Rey is invincible.REY BUSTS OPEN TAJIRI!! SMALL PACKAGE ON TAJIRI (so the myth IS true) BY UG FOR 3!! Rey and UG are left in an IWC DREAM MATCH! Moonsault miss by UG and Rey takes over. KICK ASS hurricanranna block into a UG BOMB, into a STANDING MOONSAULT! Back to back bulldogs by Rey busts UG open and leads to the pin for 2! UD is not DONE YET! BACKBREAKER ON REY FOR THE PIN!!!! UD WINS!!!!! ***1/2
WINNER and New Cruiserweight Champ: Ultimo Dragon
VICTORIA vs. MOLLY HOLLY
Molly will be played by Stacy in this little game, thanks to a random select that brought her up. In my game Stacey is the Womens Champ, so I guess it all works out. Stacy spanks Victoria's ass as I cream myself, and that goes into a shoulder breaker as I clean myself up. Victoria finally starts beating up on Stacy on the outside as my erection quickly goes away. I should have made this into a bra and panties matchstaring Jenna Jameson and Jenna Hazein fact I think I will watch that in a second Rikishi Driver by Stacy (!?!?) into a pump handle slam. I guess sucking down so much Test jizz, she adapted some of his lame offense. What does that say about the Rikishi Driver then? Im scared. This match is gay. Remember that reverse figure four submission Edge used to use? Well Stacy just pulled it out. What did they do, give her the Dean Malenko moveset? She is the blonde with the long legs, killer ass, and 1000 moves. WIDOWS PEAK by Victoria, but she doesn't pin Stacy. Standing belly to belly by Stacy, now if they were both in their underwear and started kissing , oh yeah. Pin out of nowhere by Victoria for 3!! Wow, that was quickand bad. *1/2
WINNER and NEW WOMENS CHAMP: Victoria
CHRISTIAN vs. CHRIS JERICHO
The battle of the blondes continues, even though this feud pretty much came out of nowhere. The build up was just terrible. Good news is, they should have show stealer here, like at the real PPV, right? Jericho dominates the match and plants Christian with a DDT. I must admit that I edited Jerichos stats, so he is basically Chris Benoit with charisma and a wicked stalling DDT finisher. Back and forth action continues as the fans turn on Christian here, as he works over Jericho. Stalling neckbeaker into a backbreaker for Christian, and the fans turn on Jericho. Fickle bastards. COCKY PIN gets 2 for Jericho!! Christian continues working over Jericho until Jericho hits an arm breaker into a standing Liontamer, into the STALLING DDT, but it is a rope break! Another Liontamer, but no tap out! MOONSAULT all the way across the ring by Jericho!! He Brocks it though and only has his feet his Christian as Jericho eats canvas (and that aint a euphemism for Trish camel toe!). Breakdown and Jericho goes up and hits the flying elbow ala Shawn Michaels and then hits a stalling suplex. One Stalling DDT later and Jericho picks up the clean win. This match was hella boring for the most part. **
JOHN CENA vs. BIG SHOW
Hogan vs. Andre Part 2? If you are counting workrate, then I vote yes. Cena immediately takes down the bastard but Show hits a running neck beaker (!?!) and a headbutt into a bear hug. Yep, it is a Show match, 30 seconds in and we get a bearhug. RELEASE GERMAN ON BIG SHOW BY CENA!!!! VICIOUS POWERBOMB BY CENA!!!! Show battles back and hits the SHOWSTOPPER and gets the pinuh, yeah.DUD
WINNER: BIG SHOW
OLD SCHOOL TAKER vs. KANE
They actually have OST in the game, which is pretty cool and he looks dope too. His stats are WAY huge so he will probably just squash Kane, unlike in real life right? Right? Kane still has the old Rachel from Friends haircut with the towel on his head. Taker says he will kick Kane's ass for looking like Aniston. Kane works OST over with a reverse suplex and works the legs, and hits a backbreaker, and then wails OST in the face. I guess Rey took his powers, but wait, Taker fights back and no sells some punches just like the taker we know and love!!! He is probably just thinking that it is John Cena in the ring. Reverse DDT by Taker into a Boston CrabOF DEATH!!! Taker no sells some more, and seems to finally be getting into character after so many months off. MORE NO SELLING!! Wow, this is getting so close to a real match it is scary. Kane then has a plan, he tells Taker that there is a dead kitten on the turnbuckle and while Taker inspects it, Kane chucks him into the ringpost! Take that stupid! I guess when he died, his brain was the first to deteriorate. But then again he was smart enough to book himself as the OST so he wouldnt have to sell to any pussies. Kane shows he isn't the only one who no sells and NO SELLS PUNCHES!!! Taker says, Oh no you didn't! and promptly pastes Kane with a DDT. Thatll teach that asswipe who the REAL dead man is. OS ATOMIC DROP!!!MORE NO SELLING!!! By who you ask? DOES IT REALLY MATTER!?!? Many punches and kicks follow as Kane is taking it to his brother and picks him up and KICKS HIM IN THE FACE!! Kane goes for the chokeslam, BUT TAKER SAYS THIS IS MY YARD YOU BALD FUCKFACE!! CARRY MY BIKE IN THE DESERT and promptly kicks him in the abdomen. MORE NO SELLING!!! TAKER SAYS WAKE UP KANE!! TIME TO GO TO SCHOOLSCHOOL OF DEATH!!! Fucking GAY ASS chokeslam follows. TAKER GETS 2!! MORE NO SELLING!!! If this was a store they would be out of business. OST SITUP!!! MORE NO SELLING!!! What is this, an X Division match? Kane keeps going for pins but cant get more than 2. MORE NO SELLING!!! This match is a classic!! POWERSLAM BY KANE GETS 2! KANE HITS A SIT OUT POWERBOMB AND THEN TRIES TO SLITHER HIS BODY ONTOP OF TAKER!!! WHAT IS THIS?!?!? Now I KNOW Pat Patterson is booking these matches. KANE LIFTS UP ONE OF TAKER'S LEGS AND IN A SICKENING MOMENT, IT LOOKS LIKE HE IS TRYING TO STICK IT IN TAKER!!!! Taker is unconscious so he cant fight back and Kane fills him with demon seed while the ref counts to 3! ***
WINNER: KANE (and connoisseurs of male/male relations)
THE ROCK N SOCK vs. EVOLUTION
Well no Mick Foley in this game, so I will take it down to a 1 on 2, Rocky vs. Randy and Batista. Rock has is KICK ASS heel intro, but the fans still pop for him! In my game he is the US champion, but defends it as much as the Big Show, since he is always in HOLLY-WOOD! Rocky works over Batista with some punches and looks like he went through chemotherapy with the way they did his hair in the game, or lack there of. Batista takes over, but Rock Rocks up abut gets hit with a spinebuster. Rock battles back with a leg sweep, but Bautista tags in Orton and they hit the HEART ATTACK (kind of), with Orton follows up with a GAY forearm to Rocks knee. Backbreaker by Orton, but Rock knocks him down with patented Rocky Power! More Rocky punches (just like a Rocky match from 98) and hits the intelligent clothesline!!! SHARPSHOOTER!!!!!!!! No tap out, and Randy rolls away and hits a powerslam on Rock. Another leg sweep by Rock and he does a running dropkick to the outside onto nobody. Wow, just like the real Rock. ~sarcasm~ He tries to move Orton in position for the Elbow, but Orton rolls away. SMALL PACKAGE BY ORTON GETS 2!! Rock misses 2 punches and Orton kicks him in the back of the head and tags in DAVE. Dropkick by Orton on Rock as a parting shot and Batista hits THE DEMON BOMB FOR 2!!! SUPER ROCK POWERS!! ROCK WITH THE ROCK BOTTOM, BUT BATISTA GETS THE ROPE BREAK!!! Batista works Rock over some more and tags in Orton who comes in and works the mat as well. RKO IS BLOCKED BY THE ROCK!! Rock hits the Dragon screw into the SHARPSHOOTER!!! Orton makes the ropes. ORTON HITS A SHOULDERBREAKER INTO A ROLL UP FOR 2!!! Rock shrugs off a heel kick and clotheslines Orton followed by the Samoan Drop!! Rock applauds his own effort. ROCK SETS UP RANDY ROCK BOTT-NO COUNTER BY ORTON!!! Orton runs in and tags DAVE in who stares at Rock taunting him to get up. Waistlock by Batista is countered into one by the Rock, but Dave elbows Rock off and HITS THE DEMON BOMB!!!! He immediately picks Rocky up and locks on a submission, but no tapping. He picks Rock up again and HITS A SIT OUT DEMON BOMB FOR THE PIN!!!! ***
WINNER: DAVE and ORTON
GOLDBERG vs. BROCK LESNAR
Special ref for this match is Vince since the fucking game wont let me choose Austin and Vince has the stunner in his arsenal. In a humorous moment, Brock flies his plane to the ring as a big Fuck you to everyone in the industry and blowing away Shawns entrance from Mania 13. Goldberg eats some cats on the way to the ring to prepare himself for his trip to Japan after his contract is over (I keed, I keed). Brock immediately clotheslines Goldberg, who gets up and returns the favor. Goldie and Brock exchange reversals and Goldie hits a leg vine. Brock comes back and slugs Goldie right in the cat basket (the stomach) and hits a sweet belly to belly. Brock hits some spears in the corner on Goldie and hits his vicious back breaker on Goldie and another belly to belly. Goldie clotheslines Brock out and hits a body slam on the padding outside. He throws Brock back in but Brock takes control with a VICIOUS spinebuster followed by a release German suplex. But Goldie clotheslines Brock twice and rams his head into the turnbuckle followed by another bodyslam. Goldberg stalks Brock AND HITS THE SPEAR!! He sets for another but Brock moves and chokes Goldie away in the corner. Goldie fights back and hits a wicked neck breaker. Brock comes back with another belly to belly. More countering and Brock slams Goldie down with authority AND GOES FOR THE F5, BUT IT IS COUNTERED BY GOLDIE!! Goldie is all jacked and GORILLA PRESSES BROCK INTO A POWERSLAM!! Goldie WHIPS BROCK INTO THE ROPES AND HITS THE BRET KILLER!!! Damn that kick is vicious. Brock fights back and hits a nice spine buster FOLLOWED BY A SICK HALF NELSON SUPLEX!!! Brock picks up Goldie, but Goldie takes the advantage and hits ANOTHER neck breaker for 1. Brock comes back and stomps Goldie and whips him, but Goldie COUNTERS AND HITS A SPEAR! He follows is up with a double under hook suplex. Brock counters out and gets punched, but no sells and clotheslines Goldie DOWN!! Goldie fights back with ANOTHER GORILLA PRESS!! Brock fights back and HITS DOUBLE CLOTHESLINES!! AND THEN SLAPS ON THE BROCK LOCK FOR THE TAP OUT!!! WTF!?!?! ****
KURT ANGLE vs. EDDIE GUERRERO ©
Funny as Kurt is the WWE Champion in my game and Eddie is the Cruiserweight Champ, which is fine by me I guess. Eddie misses a kick to start so Kurt punches him down and WORKS THE ANKLE IMMEDATELY!! Eddie comes back with the Gory Special and locks on a triangle choke FOR THE TAP OUT!!! Haha j/k Eddie comes out with the triple suplexes but Kurt fights back and works the neck and flips behind Eddie into a BEAUTIFUL German suplex and a nice spine buster, and back to the ankle, but Eddie makes the ropes. A counter-fest occurs and Angle wins and slaps on an arm bar. More countering and MORE COUNTERING!! Angle hits ANOTHER SWEET GERMAN. He then blocks a kick by Eddie, spins him around, punches him into the turnbuckle and dropkicks the back of his head. He then SICKLY THROWS EDDIE INTO THE RING POST!!! SWEET!! He stomps Eddie down and hits a belly to belly. He takes Eddie up and hits a top rope belly to belly and locks on a chicken wing, but Eddie makes the ropes. Kurt then SLAPS ON THE ANKLE LOCK BUT EDDIE WONT TAP!! Body slam by Kurt and another crossface chicken wing and Eddie makes the ropes. Eddie fights back into an armbar and flips Angle around a bit. More countering and Eddie takes Angle up and HITS A FRANKENSTEINER into another Triangle choke!!! Kurt battles back with a chest buster and another arm bar. He hits a modified Angle Slam for two! Then another chest breaker and a WICKED Release German!!!! FOLLOWED BY ANOTHER!!! Belly to Belly and ANGLE SLAPS ON THE ANGLE LOCK!!!! This is ok with the crowd cause apparently Eddie sucks. Eddie makes the ropes, and Angle pins him for two. More countering and Eddie HITS A RELEASE GERMAN OF HIS OWN!! But he is just too fatigued as Angle knocks him down and locks on a beautiful double under hook pin for 2!!! Belly to Belly FOLLOWED BY THE ROLLING GERMANS!!! Eddie fights back and throws Angle to the corner and hits a TORNADO DDT!! ROLL UP GETS 2! Angle flips over Eddie and locks on a sleeper hold and follows that up with a spine buster throw. Another chicken wing but Eddie makes the ropes AGAIN, and Angle hits a Belly to Belly. DIE EDDIE DIE!!! BUT HE WONT!! MORE ROLLING GERMANS!!! AND THREE MORE!!!! ANGLE LOCK!!!!! NO TAPPING BY EDDIE!!! Angle puts Eddie on top and hits THE ARMBAR OFF THE TOP ROPE!!! Eddie fights back and knocks Angle out of the ring. Angle comes back and HITS ANOTHER RELEASE GERMAN!!! ANOTHER CROSS FACE, BUT EDDIE MAKES THE ROPES AGAIN!! Angle works the neck some more and hits a SICK belly to back suplex, and PINS EDDIE FOR 3!! EDDIES NECK GAVE OUT!!! ****1/2
WINNER: and NEW WWE CHAMP KURT ANGLE
TRIPS © vs. SHAWN vs. CHRIS BENOIT
Since I still dont know how to do normal triple threat rules, this will be a Hell in a Cell match!! Shawn and Benoit go after each other while Trips proves he is the game, and champ by running back and forth against the ropes. HBK and Benoit work the mat and Benoit snaps off a suplex. Trips sticks his schnozz in there, and HBK hits a DDT on Benoit. Chris comes back and clotheslines both those fools down and works the arm of HBK. BENOIT HITS A SICK RELEASE GERMAN THAT FLIPS SHAWN INSIDE OUT!!!! HOLY SHIT!! SOMEONE CALL JESUS CAUSE WE HAVE A LAZARUS ON OUR HANDS!! (get it cause Shawn is dead, and Jesus brought Lazarus back to life, and Shawn worships Jesus? That is a good joke kiddies, cause it works on so many levels. Take notes!!) Trips whips Benoit in the corner but is too lazy to run after him. He hits his BORING ASS Ankle move but thankfully Jesus resurrected Shawn and he stops Trips from boring us to tears. Shawn takes him down and Benoit comes back and hits an arm bar on Shawn and THEN HITS THE SAME INSIDE OUT SUPLEX ON TRIPS!! Someone call Hitler's great grandson, cause one of your Nazis are dead! Benoit hits a German pin on Trips, but Shawn breaks it up and hits a sunset flip on Benoit which Trips breaks up. Benoit fights back on both, and Trips kicks Shawn down and then makes Shawn eat HIGH KNEE! Benoit works the arm some more and knocks Shawn down when he gets up and works the arm again. Benoit then hits Trips with a belly to back and Shawn slaps on a neck breaker, but BENOIT HITS THE SICK SUPLEX AGAIN!!!! HE THEN POWERBOMBS TRIPS RIGHT TO HELL!!! Shawn gets knocked down again and chopped 6 times. Trips hits an arm bar on Shawn and Benoit works the neck and arm. High knee on Shawn again, and Benoit hits a belly to back. Then Trips hits one. Shawn is your Christian martyr in peril! Trips is put up on top by Benoit and he hits a belly to back off of the top!! TRIPS GETS UP AND GOES FOR THE PEDIGREE, BUT BENOIT COUNTER OUT!!! Shawn slams Benoit down and Trips hits a neck breaker on the wolverine. Benoit hits a back breaker on Shawn and works the arm and neck some more. He slaps on a Dragon sleeper, but Trips hits a face buster and Shawn slaps Benoit down. HERE IT COMES, CROSS FACE, BENOIT COUNTERED HBKS PICKING HIM UP AND HITS THE CROSS FACE!!!! Trips breaks it up and goes for the pin but Benoit breaks that up and works Trips neck and Shawn slaps on the figure four, then Benoit puts on the SHARPSHOOTER!!!! Shawn breaks that up and Trips hits a belly to back on Benoit, and a back breaker on Shawn. Benoit works the arm again on Shawn and hits a belly to back followed by a German with the bridge, but TRIPS COMES OFF THE TOP TO BREAK IT UP!! WOW!! Trips kicks Benoit down and Shawn chops Trips down. Trips hits a face buster on Shawn but Shawn hits an atomic drop on Trips and Benoit Germans Shawn! Shawn is back bodies by Benoit, BUT TRIPS HITS THE PEDIGREE!!! Shawn breaks it up and BENOIT HITS THE CROSSFACE ON SHAWN!!!! Shawn battles out and hits the Sharpshooter on Benoit!! Benoit fights out and MAKES TRIPS EAT POST!! He neck breaks Shawn and goes for the pin, but Trips breaks it up. Benoit slaps on another arm bar and THEN A SHARPSHOOTER!! BENOIT IS HIT BY THE PEDIGREE AND IS BUSTED OPEN!! Shawn breaks it up and is back bodied by Trips. HBK GOES FOR SCM, BUT IT IS COUNTERED BY BENOIT!! Benoit hits the SICK GERMAN again on Shawn and a backbreaker on Trips to take over. TRIPS DDTS SHAWN AND NOW SHAWN IS BUSTED TOO!! PEDIGREE ON BENOIT!! Shawn crawls on top, but Trips breaks it up!! SHAWN THE FLIES ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE RING TO DROP AN ELBOW ON TRIPS!!! DIVING HEADBUTT ON HBK! RELEASE GERMAN ON HBK!! PEDIGREE ON HBK!! MISSLE DROPKICK ON TRIPS BY BENOIT!!! BENOIT PINS HBK, 123!!! !!!!!!!!*****
WINNER: and NEW WORLD CHAMPION CHRIS BENOIT!!!!
I know I havent simmed all of the matches, but I left out the ones that didn't have enough characters to do, or that I just didnt care about. The PS2 predicts a DAMN good Wrestlemania, so I vote we all tune in. So closes the biggest column I have done for this site, and I hope you all enjoyed it. Before I leave I just want to wish everyone a great Wrestlemania weekend and enjoy the PPV, it should be pretty damn good. Take care, and Gonzo shall be back soon enough.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).