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ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo

Dr. Gonzo

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Acerbic Treats 09.15.03: The Debut
Posted By Dr. Gonzo on 09.15.03

The greatest debut in wrestling history since Duane Gill.

Welcome to my debut column here on 411; and I must say that it is an absolute honor to write for this site, and hopefully increase my readership tenfold! That would actually only equal 10 people, but whose really counting. Anyway, in my column I thought I would look at the three big shows per week, and match them up, giving the pluses and minuses of each, and then offering my suggestion that will be rushed to the desk of Vince McMahon himself, and immediately tossed in the trash can. Whenever something strikes me as pertinent, I will flesh that idea out and have the column focus specifically on that idea. I try to be as positive as I can when it comes to the WWE, as it is really easy, and quite trendy to rip into them viciously, (and I aint saying they dont deserve it), but I try and look at the positives rather than the negatives and go from there. That is not to say I wont rip into them, because that is a downright lie. When they put on a shitty show, they deserve to suffer the consequences.

Anyway, I will tell you a little about myself before we dive head first into the pit of ultimate darkness here. I am a college senior here in good old economically deprived southern California. Currently studying English, I like long walks on the beach, and watching wrestling by candelabra. Last quarter I was swamped with work, but hopefully this quarter would be a bit easier and will be able to post as much as I would like to. Anyway, enough with the jibber jabber: LETS GO!

On a side note, my wishes go out to the Ritter and Cash families. We lost two true legends in their own genres, and they will be missed. I will just leave it at that, as I am sure you all have heard enough about this.

RAW 9/8

THE HIGHLIGHTS

1. Christian, Austin, and Jericho: This segment was the highlight of RAW, and I imagine it is pretty much what they do when they tour on the house show circuit. This segment was pretty damn funny, and entertaining, except the end with Jericho getting whooped on. Austin needs to retire that "Youve got 8,000 people calling you an asshole line," it just screams unoriginality.

2. Goldbergs Blade Job: Very vicious blade job and chair shot taken by Goldberg. He really impressed me with that one. He had Trips arms a nice shade of red. Kudos to him.

3. Uhhhhh..I like cake.


THE LOWLIGHTS

1. La Resistance killing Spike: Nice over the top rope spine buster onto the table by La Resistance onto the tableexcept for the fact that he missed the friggin table! Good lord, how can these men be your tag team champs when they botch a move that is dangerous enough in the ring, and nearly kill a guy? Oh wait; theyre French, which makes them top heels! Push them to the moon!!!!!!!!!!!

2. JR and King and Coach: I cant believe these guys are being pushed as an attraction on RAW while Stevie Richards is jobbed out every week and Rico is stuck playing a fashion stylist again. This is pathetic. I hope JR, King and Coach end up pinning each other, and they all can be fired.

3. Everything else: Seriously, I try not to sound all that negative, but RAW really sucks lately, as I cannot even imagine some of these storylines actually come out of the brains of professional writers. Hell, Eddie Guerreros infatuation with low riders, and the subsequent consequences of this infatuation is much more believable than anything on RAW.

MATCH OF THE NIGHT
Stevie Richards vs. Scott Steiner: Very sad, but very true. RAW was slim pickings when it came to quality matches. I just wish they would do something with Stevie or let him go so he can go onto much needed fame and success over in NWA: TNA. *

SUGGESTIONS
Push wrestlers who wrestle. Give Jericho the belt. I really think Jericho is the hottest thing on the RAW roster right now and he knows how to make any storyline seem much more important than it actually is. Unfortunately he is stuck being cannon fodder for a man who cant wrestler any more. Stevie is a solid worker, give him some big wins and push him. Tommy Dreamer is stuck on Heat and can work with anyone. Rico has proven he can carry an entire promotion pretty much (in OVW), and he has nothing to do now. Instead we get fat old JR and talent less Jerry Lawler, two of the most washed up people in wrestling, getting PPV time. This is pathetic.

SMACKDOWN 9/11

THE HIGHLIGHTS

1. Benoit vs. Rhyno: Another solid match from these two, as was expected. The only problem is that Rhyno really isnt over at all. They need to find a way to get him over as a threat, not just a generic heel. The fact that he was posing to the crowd about 4 times during the match was really annoying. Despite all of this, they had a great match.

2. Cruiserweight Tag: A solid match from these 4 as usual, and they really have a chance to make Tajiri a real threat again. He was really over despite not having anything to do over the last month. They pulled out all of their usual moves, and had a great match.

3. Latino Street Brawl: Match wasnt really anything spectacular (but they did have some moves that made me cringe), but it was still solid and enjoyable to watch. They kept it relatively short, and Chavo came back! I missed that dude. Anyway, I hope they continue the Eddie, Cena feud, as it has the most heat of any of the feuds run in the WWE right now.

THE LOWLIGHTS

1. So Much McMahon, So Little Time: Title speaks for itself. I am sick to death of Stephanie stepping in the ring, as if she is the number one underdog babyface of the promotion. Keep those melons where they belong, behind the desk of her GM Office.

2. APA Push: Notice Farooq limping at the end of the match? It aint because he was selling the match; he has bum knees. APA barely wrestle, and when they do, they get to squash people. Let them do their stupid, unfunny backstage skits, and keep them out of the ring too. The MFrs dont deserve to lose to these guys.

3. Brocks Promos: Please bring Paul Heyman back. Every time he opens his mouth I keep hoping that they run an angle where Kane burns out his vocal chords. He seriously needs a manager, and Heyman is the man, not the "number 1 heel, Vinnie Mac.

MATCH OF THE NIGHT

Benoit vs. Rhyno: Benoit pulled a solid match out of Rhyno with some nice, hard hitting moves, and 2 Sharpshooters!! Notice how much more fluid Benoits Sharpshooter was than Rhynos? Now thats training for you! Best match of the night in my eyes. ***1/2

SUGGESTIONS

For every McMahon thats on television, that means someone with talent is wasting away their career. Let the people who know how to wrestle, wrestle. It is a simple equation. You wouldnt let a goldfish pilot a space ship, would you? You wouldnt let a baby teach a class in physics. You know why? Cause it just isnt right. Same standards should be set for wrestling.

NWA: TNA 9/3 & 9/10

THE HIGHLIGHTS

1. The X-Division: This just might be the best wrestling on television. The tourney was absolutely mind-blowing in its execution. I havent seen a show with such great action and ring work since I watched my Best of Dynamite Kid Tape. Big Ups to everyone involved.

2. One Cent PPV: Now this is a marketing ploy, and a brilliant one at that. Offer a best of PPV at such a low cost that anyone can afford it, therefore bringing in new fans, and also rewarding the people who purchased some of your PPVs, by offering them a bargain priced PPV. Just imagine the cost of this PPV is cheaper than your averageanything.

3. Juvy putting over Chris Sabin: Juvy worked his ass off in this tourney (and just 5 or so years ago he was wrestling in brilliant gimmick matches such as the "Green card on a Pole match," and "Tequila Bottle on a Pole Match, sigh memories) and I was really glad to see him put over Chris Sabin, the standout star of the X-Division, and making Sabin look like a much more credible threat in the process.

4. Teddy Hart: Teddy looked fantastic and seriously made a star out of himself there. For some reason he looks more like the Rock, than a member of the Hart family.

THE LOWLIGHTS

1. Cluster-fuck Cage Match: AKA their attempt at Wargames. I was severely hurt and stunned to learn that they were only using one ring in a 10 man Wargames match. It really bit them in the ass, as the ring was much too full with shit flying everywhere, and nothing really that interesting happening. The ending was anti-climactic, and the match itself was really disappointing, especially topping off such a great PPV.

2. Nothing else really: Seriously this was a solid PPV all around and my vote for PPV of the year.

MATCH OF THE NIGHTS
Since I looked at the last 2 PPVs, there is a tie for match of the night honors, and a shiny new donkey for anyone who can guess which two they are. HINT: They are two MOTY candidates. Ready?

AMW vs. XXX Cage Match: This was the first time that I witnessed this match, and I was blown away. It was smooth, with big bumps, and a nice amount of blood. Elix was selling the abs really well, and they went bump crazy at the end. I love the fact that Elix was dropped out of the ring, and tried scaling I like Spiderman a few times only to get knocked off. It worked brilliantly in the context of the match. Only a couple blown spots brought it down. ****1/2

Juvy vs. Chris Sabin: Amazing match, with crisp moves and millions of near falls. This was such a great match from these two phenomenal workers. That Tiger Driver was SICK. There is nothing more I can really say but "Hail Sabin," and the Juvy says, "conoce tu lugar, y callate el osico." ****1/2

TOP SHOW OF THE WEEK (drumroll please)
NWA: TNA, nuff said. No need to explain this one.

TOP WRESTLERS OF THE MOMENT

3. John Cena: His rhymes are dope, and so are his matches lately.

2. Eddie Guerrero: The top face in the WWE, and looking like the top worker as well.

1. Chris Sabin: Two four star plus matches in one show. We all need to hail this talented bastard.

Well so ends my debut column. I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I labored writing it. Leave me some feedback and let me know what you like, love, hate, or would change. I welcome suggestions.

Until Next time
dr_gonzo_phd@hotmail.com


ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo

Dr. Gonzo

 

Acerbic Treats 09.23.03: Time for round Two

RAW 9/29

THE HIGHLIGHTS

1. Christian & RVD: Put on a good match, and set up their next one, a ladder match no doubt. Big ups to RVD for taking a ladder shot clean to the head without blocking. Also, sweet Frog Splash by Christian onto RVD. If Christian implements top rope maneuvers to his repertoire, he could be amazing to watch.

2. Evolution Beatdown: Now this I can get into. I have been begging for a while for Evolution to just start kicking the shit out of people via stable beatdowns, to make themselves look like a threat. Since they don't do that, they never really seem like an actual faction but more like a group of singles wrestlers. I could do without the interview time afterwards, however. I have a feeling everything Trips said was shoot.

3. Women's Match: Shit, I am shocked as you are. This was a really good match, and the crowd was hot for it. It actually looked like a match instead of a collection of big tits and botched moves. Big ups to the women involved.

4. Ric Flair: The fucking man. I enjoy watching him do anything on WWE television. If I had a vote for RAW World Champ, I would have to go with Jericho or Flair, easily.

5. The Rock: As much as I absolutely hate him as a face, I wouldn't mind seeing him in the wrestling ring right now. I kinda miss the bastard. This interview made me realize how much of a goober the Rock can be sometimes, though.

THE LOWLIGHTS

1. Lillian Garcia: Can Lillian a.k.a. Geriatric Hillary Duff (as my friend would say) complete one sentence without stumbling over herself, and sounding completely unprofessional? It makes me yearn for the days of Jeff Jarrett to put her in her place, and makes me miss Howard Finkle that much more.

2. Return of JR and King: Wow, that took all of an hour for them to return, seeing as JR and Coach will fight each other next week, and the outcome is without question.

3. Kane and Shane: Hmm, this was a good angle, only I liked it better the first time when it involved Austin and McMahon. Hell I liked it more when it involved Foley and McMahon. They really need to get rid of those lame screams while someone is getting beaten up in public. They only add humor to the moment.

MATCH OF THE NIGHT (tie)

Goldberg vs. His locker room door: In a classic brawl, the door took Goldberg to the limit, before Goldberg tried again, and managed to open it. Just remember these simple rules: grasp, turn and push. ***

Lita & Trish vs. Molly & Gail Kim: The crowd was so hot for this match Gail Kim, and Trish's bad dropkick couldn't even silence them. In fact the match was pretty damn good to boot. Nice job by all the ladies, by churning out one of best women's matches in recent memory. **3/4

_____________________________________

UNCLE MOE'S FAMILY MAILBAG

I received this e-mail regarding my first column from Charles Hayes that really got my mind going on the topic of Stevie Richards. He raised a lot of good points so I thought I would post it as it leads to the next part of my column.

"I agree with absolutely everything you said. I mean everything. But I'd just like to stress how happy I am to see that finally, somebody noticed this besides me! I, like you, believe that Stevie Richards deserves a push. And apparently, to everybody else, who always seems to be talking about how this guy or that guy is being held back despite his obvious talent, don't see the obvious talent in Stevie Richards! I swear, I read more than one websites' comments on the Steiner vs. Richards match (and this goes for almost any Richards match for that matter), and they never EVER mention Richards as somebody with potential or anything!!! And that angers me to no end to see that, on the subject of that match, they simply say "Oh no, not Test vs. Steiner again. This was a useless match to set this up, and it's obvious Steiner's getting better, but he still sucks". Excuse me? I can't recall a single Richards match I've seen that didn't entertain me or connect with me on some level or another if I was paying attention...and that includes the complete destruction of Richards matches. And to add to that, the guy obviously thinks up creative reversals and spots as well, which one can tell if they follow his matches for awhile, watching the matches where he actually gets to wrestle. But like I said, the guy always seems to connect if you're paying attention! And yet Mark Henry can do one slam and pin Goldust, a former Intercontinental Champion? Goldust takes about one move and loses the match, why?! Because they're busy pushing Henry for the four-thousandth time, when he shouldn't have been pushed to begin with, while people who actually seem to understand the psychology of matches and want to entertain the fans, like Richards (and Jericho sometimes, even), are left on the sidelines or thrown into random matches simply to push people. Goldberg beats Richards without a single recognizable offensive move from Richards, Richards gets time in tag matches to get his ass kicked and barely get in moves...I mean, the guy sells well, he has one of, it not the best superkick that I've ever seen, and he's got a great character if they'd just exploit it, and yet they instead decide to push Lawler as if we're all from Memphis or something and think he's some sort of wrestling God. Honestly, I like Al Snow more than I like Jerry Lawler, and I really don't like Al Snow all that much, if at all. As for Rico, you at least get the "Oh, he's playing up his gimmick and it's hilarious!" comments sometimes, and with Dreamer, you get "He's so underutilized" and things like that, but with Richards, it's always nothing! It's always like he's almost not there or not necessary, but he's often the highlight of the show, in one way or another! Which, depending on how you look at the current Raw product, could be a good thing or a bad thing! But really, your point about Richards deserving a push is so valid, that it makes me remember why I watch the WWE...because of the people like Richards. Not HHH or Goldberg, the guys who plow through opponents like they're nothing, but the guys who continuously put forth 100% to get done whatever they must to put the match over! Not just themselves! And as for Jericho deserving the belt, I hate to say it, but that's probably why he doesn't have it! The guy's entertaining from every side, and just because he's the best on the show...he doesn't get the belt because he doesn't need it to be over. Sad but, I believe, true. Meanwhile, Triple H hogs the belt to the point that, whenever he's without it, he's going to almost have to look like a total and complete loser. He's really kind of jinxed himself with that whole "big long title reign despite not really being able to cleanly pin anybody worth mentioning in a well-built up match". Because now, when the title goes bye-bye, all he has to fall back on is his obvious backstage political ties and his massive ego...and that's all he'll have to kill the Raw brand with...I mean to utilize *cough*BULLSHIT*cough* to get the World Title back! Wow! What a talent! Having sex with the boss's daughter! If only every WWE wrestler could do that, but, of course, if you look at it as Jericho would, you'd say "almost every WWE wrestler HAS done that". Anyway, Jericho is the best and that's why he's not Champ, Stevie's a true classic, as anybody who saw him and Dreamer's Singapore Cane match from last year SHOULD probably be able to tell you (as I don't believe creating a great Singapore cane match happens very often at all), and both men deserve more attention from the WWE, and will probably receive less attention. Boy, thinking about it...those are the reasons the WWE sucks right now...the logical, yet unfair politics. Anyway, just wanted you to know that I agree with everything you said...which is kind of creepy to me...thinking somebody else was thinking 100% of what I was, and that's including the Smackdown and TNA stuff, and I too think Stevie is...just...WAY better than he's booked to be."

As I am sure that there are not many people nowadays who respect Richards as much as they should, I thought I would give a retrospective on Stevie's career, as well as some main points that I feel encapsulate the man's character best, and why I feel he is so damn great.

Stevie started wrestling for ECW (Eastern Championship Wrestling) in their first ever match, and then returned a bit later to wrestle in Heatwave '94. For that year he was basically stuck in purgatory, until the debut of Raven in 1995, who helped him defeat Hack Myers. Raven became a flunky of Raven, trying to impress him whenever he could, which led to Stevie bringing in Beulah McGillicutty (a former Raven fling at summer camp) as Raven's valet. Looking to gain the respect of his mentor, he started dressing like Raven, complete with jean shorts and flannel shirt. On June 30, 1995 Stevie tasted his first championship, as he and Raven defeated the Pitbulls for the tag team championship. After a few title defenses, a female fan was known to have a crush on Stevie. The fan turned out to be none other than Francine. During a match between her and Beulah, Raven ordered Stevie to Steviekick Francine. He agreed and cost Francine the match. Francine, out for revenge, commandeered the team of Pitbull #1 and #2 to take down Raven and Stevie and managed to take the belts from them. Stevie and Raven eventually regained the titles from that very same team.

In 1995, Stevie pulled a fan from ringside to be his lackey. That fan ended up being the Blue one, the Blue Meanie. All the while, Stevie and the Blue Meanie were wrestling in SCW (Steel City Wrestling) and managed to capture their tag titles. Back in ECW, Stevie and Meanie created the Blue World Order with Big Stevie Cool, Da Blue Guy, and Hollywood Nova(later the Blue Nova). Stevie feuded a bit with Raven, and others, until Raven left for WCW in 1997, and Stevie followed, becoming part of the Flock. After being underutilized in WCW, Richards returned to ECW, and other Indy promotions capturing the NWA title, and the APWF (Allied Powers Wrestling Federation) title. He was then signed by the WWF, along with the Blue Meanie, where he was non existent until he was stuck in the horrendous RTC gimmick, while the Blue Meanie became a lackey for Goldust, before being released. After an injury sidelined him, the WWF scrapped the RTC gimmick, and Stevie returned to attack the Undertaker, and release Kronik upon him, and the rest of the WWF viewing world (don't blame him for that though). He managed to win the Hardcore title, before being lost in the mix, and shipped off to "Stevie Night Heat" where his teaming with Victoria has been a highlight of that show.

While some have not had the pleasure of seeing Stevie work in a ring with a decent gimmick, I must say, in ECW, and currently, he was one of the most interesting, and enjoyable characters around, as well as having a solid in ring style. His Steviekick has been dubbed by some (including myself) as one of the best, if not THE best kick in the business. While he was straddled with a weak gimmick, Stevie did what ANY great wrestler does: he embraced it, and ran. He decided that he will use his monumental charisma to try and get this gimmick over, and although it doesn't always work, he tries his damn best. His current gimmick is solid proof of that. Stuck on Sunday Night Heat with Victoria, they both have taken their respective gimmicks and shown that they will live it while on the screen. He has taken the curse of being banished to SNH, and made it his own show. He and Victoria show, every time they step foot in front of an audience, that they are consummate professionals, who work their gimmicks so well, that they cannot help but be over, if only they received pushes. I remember near the end of Victoria's push, she was getting cheered quite a bit from the fans. Stevie, like Victoria, works his ass off in the ring, and it shows. He is a fantastic wrestle, and despite being off television for a while, he returned absolutely ripped and in the best shape of his career, and proven that bulking up won't slow him down. The main problem with Stevie is probably his size, and the stigma of being brandished with the RTC gimmick, as I imagine the WWE saw that the faction bombed and probably blamed the wrestlers involved for it. Just look at all of who was involved with it. None of those wrestlers have survived.

Unfortunately, a few days ago, Stephanie found out about the pseudo push Stevie was getting on HEAT, and decided to ax it, paving the way for her and Trips' fetus to become the number one babyface on the show, whenever she decides to squeeze one out.

All I can say to Stevie is hang in there. You have your loyal followers, and if the WWE can't respect your talent, I hope you will get a job working for TNA, where I am sure you could be a superstar. I respect Stevie for being a professional, and being one of the best workers who like so many, is not getting the push he deserves.

I would enjoy hearing all of your thoughts on RAW, and Stevie Richards as well. You love him? Hate him? Don't care about him? Let me know.

To be continued

doctor_gonzo_phd@hotmail.com


ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo

Dr. Gonzo

 

Acerbic Treats 10.03.03: RAW, SMACKDOWN

I finally started school and damn I am already swamped with work. I am reading about 300 pages a week, but luckily I am taking a Dostoevsky class to break the monotony of normal shitty English classes. My satellite was shitting out on me, and the sound was really fucked up so I couldn't hear any of the interviews or the commentary. That is probably more of a positive than anything. Anyway lets hit the column.

RAW 9/29

THE HIGHLIGHTS

1. Scott Steiner Heel Turn: FINALLY Steiner turned heel. He always made a solid heel worker, as his slower style works better in that context. I think they have a chance of pushing him correctly as the next main threat for Goldberg's title.

2. Coach: I enjoy Coach's enthusiasm and his match calling more and more. Unfortunately Al Snow is really terrible as a color man (mostly because he is pasty white), and JR sent them both packing back to HEAT. Good thing they lived out of their suitcase.

3. Women Beat down: Solid beat down, with a decent enough provocation, and call back to the Million Dollar Man. But the main reason I rank this is because of Victoria, as she returned to RAW to add to the heat and sexiness. I completely agree with Molly and wonder where her book is as well, although Gail Kim already has a DVD. I think I saw her on an episode of "Asian Street Hookers," but I may be wrong.

THE LOWLIGHTS

1. Stone Cold: He is good for a pop, but enough of Stone Cold being led off by security, or security being called on him. I figure once this happens in his real life it should be banned in the wrestling world as well. Why is it ok for him to be present in the arena after being suspended that same day? Continuity alert!! He can also purchase a ticket to the event, storm the ring, and NOT get kicked out or arrested even though he was "there as a fan"? I'll have to remember these rules the next time I get slapped with a restraining order. I'm shooting for next week.

2. Bounty: I believe that Trips is training himself for when he takes over the WWE by putting a bounty on Goldberg's head, seeing as Vince did this same thing about 4 years ago with Austin. It's a sign!! I even think the monetary amount was the same. Coincidence?????? Plus it led to Stevie getting his ass kicked, and I am totally against that.

MATCH OF THE NIGHT (tie)

RVD vs. Christian: Easily the match of the night. I thoroughly enjoyed this spotfest, as both men worked their asses off to put on a great match, and completely suck in the crowd. I don't think I have ever seen someone in the WWE do a move off of the actual top of the ladder like RVD did his sweet frog splash. The last time I saw someone attempt a move off the top, the person who attempted it (Supreme) absolutely ate shit. Good job to both workers, and I am glad to see RVD get the belt, and the crowd loved it. I only shudder to think what will happen to Christian now however. ***1/2

SMACKDOWN 10/2

THE HIGHLIGHTS

1. John Cena: Once again this dude proves why he is the man in the WWE, by busting out some cool rhymes on Angle, and pinning to boot. I would hope Cena pulls out a clean win on Angle at the PPV to elevate him, cause lord knows Angle and Benoit are the only people who will put over younger talent these days.

2. Matt Hardy: Version 1 is alive and kicking, and no matter the fact that they have nothing to do with the guy, I mark out every time I see him. Give him the US Title.

3. Zach Gowen: Never thought this would happen, but Zach ditching the pity angle can only be good for his career, and I think a heel turn would be pretty cool later down the line.

THE LOWLIGHTS

1. Big Show: No longer in the cool bodyguard role, he is back in an angle that involves him shitting himself. Genius.

2. A-Train Commentary: "I will show No Mercy at No Mercy." Uh, yeah, the same pun that has been used for years, and used at the end of the show by Michael Cole. We get it, it's a play on the title of the PPV!!!! HAHAHAHAHA.ok lets move on.

MATCH OF THE NIGHT

Eddie vs. Matt Hardy: A solid opener by these two, as was expected. They brought the money tonight and had a great match to open the show, and unfortunately the show went downhill from there. ***1/2_


ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo

Dr. Gonzo

 

Acerbic Treats 11.22.03 Stepping Back Into The Groove.

Jesus, it has been a long time since I have posted anywhere, let alone this fantastic site (no sarcasm present). My previous columns have been leftovers from my column on another site, so I think it would be best if I solicit you readers with an introduction of sorts. I have been writing wrestling columns for about a year now, and after struggling on a site that offered me ZERO emails from any fans, I applies for a position at 411mania, the much heralded wrestling empire (much like the WWE). By a stroke of absolute luck I managed to gain a position there and punched out a column that was lambasted as well as praised. Unfortunately that was the only column I was ever able to produce for that site, because for some reason Ashish (one of the owners and organizers of 411) refused to respond to any of my emails and just resorted to ignoring all of my attempts to figure out where the animosity came from. I attempted to publish three columns that he swiftly rejected (by simply not posting them), which left me no choice but to abandon all hope with that site, but not before pointing out to Ashish how unprofessional he was since he never told me I was fired or anything. He just ignored me until I quit, so it is easy for him to say he has never had to fire anybody before and avoid confrontation I assume. After all of the shitty ass drama and war of words that came with writing for that site (there are a lot of pussies who are possessive of their work and feel that they invented every sort of recapping and feel that it is their purpose to try and let you know about it as much as possible), I laid dormant.

A few weeks later, I received an email from none other than Sean Carless himself who asked me what happened. I was not able to him an appropriate answer, and he ended up offering me a job on this site after saying he enjoyed my work for some reason (the ONLY columnists on 411 who did mind you). I sent him some columns after visiting the site and really enjoying the content here and he posted them, and now here I am. For those of you who have read my previous column, you all know how it goes, and those who have not, read on and enjoy. Thus ends my diatribe on 411 and starts the column.

RAW 11/17 THE HIGHLIGHTS

1. Nice Touch Bischoff: The spray painting and crushing of beer cans kicks off RAW, and is a nice touch to hammer in the symbolic and literal nature of Austin's departure (believe me, I know, I'm an English major!!).

2. Cade and Jindrak: Who you may ask? Or why? Calm down young padawan (I vow to use that word once a column from now on) I am not proclaiming the greatness of this vanilla, generic "WE LOVE AMERICA" team, but I will say they are gelling nicely together, and starting to look rather sound in the ring. All they need is a finisher that looks better, and gimmicks, and better music, and heat.

3. MATT HARDY VERSION 1.0: FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAW became infinitely more watchable as soon as I heard his music hit. Unfortunately no more Matt Facts, no Moore Shannon Moore (get it? Huh, do you? Huh? No you don't.) and we were subjected to Lita's "acting" (and I emphasize the quotations).

4. The Relationship Angles: I know, gay, gay, gay, right? Well I was a huge fan of Dawson's Creek (season 2 in one month baby), and the writers of the WWE really have something special here. I am as shocked as you are, but they are building up so well, and there is an ultimate payoff (I hope) which I see as Trish turning heel after Jericho getting under her skin, and Christian turning face and going after Matt Hardy, although I hope the real payoff is much better than that.

THE LOWLIGHTS

1. RVD Finish: After we hear that the 5* is banned, I swore that we were going to be able to watch RVD hit it in his match and get the DQ showing an utter disregard for the rules. I thought that would be a great set up for the old, hardcore RVD, where he would face people and he would just get DQ'd kicking the shit out of people with illegal moves. IT would instantly connect him to the fans and make RVD interesting for the first time in a while (and this is coming from a big fan of his).

2. Trips Regains Heat: Took him long enough to get his clean win back on Goldberg, but 24 hours? Please.

3. Booker T: Remember that note he got 2 weeks ago about someone saying, "I remember?" Well, I remember that angle, and I remember that it has been forgotten.

MATCH OF THE NIGHT RICO vs. VAL VENIS: Another shocker here. Both of these men have been trapped in shitty gimmicks but proved that they still have it where it counts: The bedroom. I mean the wrestling ring, yes of course, how could I mix those two things up.The pulled out some great moves and close calls. Too bad the best pop of the night came from Jackie Gayda's NIPPLE!!!!!!!!! Boo yeah!! That was sweet, and gives rise to an ambiguous meaning to the phrase "Gayda incident." **1/2 but **** for the nips.

Well I wasn't able to catch SD this week so I can't really comment. I am finishing school soon, so I will be able to update a bit more than regularly. I am planning a column on the idea about how the WWF Attitude Era killed wrestling as we know it, so stay tuned and keep reading. Send me some feedback, as I will like to hear from you all.

Dr. G.


ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo

Dr. Gonzo

Acerbic Treats 12.09.03 Looking at RAW and FINALS!!!

Welcome once again to Acerbic Treats, the most updated column on the net (sarcasm on). I once again must apologize for not having anything last week, as I had two 8 page papers and a final to work on. I have my final final (ha, get it) later today at 3pm, so I thought I would send in a column for good old Sean. I must commend him on the brilliant job he did on putting together the archive page for my material. It really looks great. Makes me want to learn how to make my own web page one of these days (something I learned in high school, but quickly forgot).

In a week we get the final LOTR movie, capping off easily one of the top three trilogies of all time. It is going to be a sad day, but my friend and I are planning to celebrate by watching the first two extended editions and then going and watching third. Should make for a very good time, I am sure. Then three days later I am going to Vegas Baby, Vegas!!!

Well enough of my bragging about my great coming week lets dissect RAW, live from Anaheim, CA, about 30 miles from my house!!!

RAW 12/9/03 THE HIGHLIGHTS

1. THR ROCK: Were you expecting anything different? This promo blew away anything that has been done on RAW (promo-wise) in a long time. The crowd erupted at his return, and I did just a little bit too, but lord knows how much I hate face Rock. He cuts an amazing promo with La Resistance and Mick, and even allows La Resistance to get the upper hand on he and Mick in the beat down to make them look like stronger contenders. See how that works, the younger workers jump the veterans and get the upper hand, only for the experience and ability of the veterans to take over. It makes both teams look strong here, and beat the hell out of someone coming down and stunning everyone, making people look like weak contenders. Kudos Rocky.

2. Jericho and Trish Not Really Over: From what we saw with the announcement of the battle of the sexes tag match, Jericho did not really seem all to happy to wrestle Trish, and Lita (odds of Jericho being paralyzed by one of his opponents just increased, by one), alludes to the idea that Jericho is probably not completely over Trish. Well they could have stretched this out over a few months, but I hope they have a better payoff than this tag match. Maybe a Lita heel turn?

THE LOWLIGHTS

1. Matt Hardy, Where's your Entrance? : Matt has been on RAW for three weeks, and we have yet to see his complete entrance. I heard the rumor that they do this because it elicits a face pop, but who cares? I need my Matt Facts Damnit, and playing HCTP is not cutting it.

2. Bautista vs. RVD: Ugh, Bautista nearly kills RVD with a botched powerbomb, and RVD falls on his head, twice in the match. What a fucking mess. Shawn better have the ability to turn * into *** or this PPV is going to be the worst of the year. Nice try calling Bautista's finisher a "Variation on the Tiger Driver" JR, you aren't fooling anyone.

3. Main Event Finish: What a clusterfuck of shit here. Shawn takes out the heels, and HHH is nowhere to be found, absolutely terrifying me that he will take the belt back in all of his chunky goodness. Remember when Trips used to be on body builder magazines, and how he would mock people's physique, because his was so godly? Well Jesus H. Michaels has pulled out his irony wand and crammed it up Triple H's ass, right next to Chyna's kielbasa, and Stephanie's hotdog sized fingers.

MATCH OF THE NIGHT

Uh, I would have to say Rock and Mick vs. La Resistance, even though it wasn't a real match. It was the most fun, and a good time to watch. All the other matches were terrible (I must note that I missed the opening match between Dudleys and Canadian Blondes Version 2.0). On pure mark out moment, this was tops of the night, easily. *1/2

Well thus ends another RAW with a solid showing. While I would have liked to go, seeing as the Rock showed up, a pure shocker, I forgot that they were going to be here, and I probably couldn't have afforded it anyway. So it was ok to see it on TV anyway.

As much as I would like to write some more right now, I am on a time crunch with my final, and I must take off now. I will write more in my next column hopefully, but until then I bid you all a fond farewell. Adieu.

Dr. G


ACERBIC TREATS

Dr. Gonzo

Dr. Gonzo

 

Acerbic Treats 12.12.03: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and PPV Picks, PS2 Style!

I know what you all are thinking, "Another column in the SAME WEEK?? What is the world coming to?" Well I am finally on vacation, and before I head to Vegas, I thought I owe the world the responsibility of updating more often. Now I sit at home doing absolutely nothing but stare at my TV, so I thought, why not be productive? And now here I am.

Dr. Gonzo must announce that he has FINALLY met a skirt. After 3 years without having a girlfriend (and having a meaningless fling with a very horny girl last year), I met a really awesome girl (though a friend's girlfriend). You see at a party I went to last year, I met this girl, and I swore to death that she hated me. She kept giving me dirty (not in a good way) looks, and being really cold. Well fast forward a year later, and Gonzo is hanging out with his friend JoseB (name changed to protect the innocent, although not by much), and JoseB informs me that his girlfriend's friend wanted my number. Turns out it was this same girl who I thought hated me. I met her at school, chatted for a while, and we have talked everyday since (including a 5 hour conversation yesterday, a new record for us both). Good times, and Gonzo thinks this could be his first meaningful relationship, if nothing disastrous happens, which I am sure will, because it always does.

Gonzo leaves for Vegas in a week, and I must applaud Sean for his warnings to me not to go crazy with the mescaline again. I can promise nothing, but once the briefcase opens, I really can't say no.

Armageddon looks like the worst PPV of the year thus far, so I thought I would do something that I had done in a column that was never published on 411, so I thought I would re-debut it here. Drum roll please...!!!!!

ARMAGEDDON PREDICTIONS AS TOLD BY WWE SMACKDOWN: HCTP

Booker T vs. Mark Henry Hmm, no Mark Henry in this game, so I will have to do some creative substitution. By simply pressing square, I shall randomly choose who Booker's opponent shall be. And it is.RODDY PIPER, RODDY PIPER, RODDY PIPER!!!! Let's get it on!! Really sucks how the legends have no music in this game, but I will just imagine it in my mind.or just play some Flogging Molly!!! Yeah baby. Ref bump 30 seconds into the match. This is not boding well. So far Roddy has just annihilated Booker, and Booker hasn't gotten a single move in. Hmm, they must be holding this match in Houston. Crowd starts a "Piper sucks" chant, but he just pounds Booker some more. Roddy unleashes the punches of death and beats Booker. Well his finisher is as lame as Henry's. *

WINNER: Rowdy Roddy Henry.

Shawn Michaels vs. Bautista No clever substations here, as Bautista is magically in the game. Shawn's music always makes me mark out. This match should be good cause in the game Shawn's back is at 100% and Bautista is pretty cool. Well Bautista is already kicking the shit out of Shawn and has his SD meter at already. Wait, now it is full, 2 minutes into the match. Shawn probably forgot to eat his Communion wafer before this match as one powerbomb later this match is over. *

WINNER: Bautista

Gonzo finally realizes why Shawn and Booker weren't getting any offense in. He did a player 1 versus computer match instead of computer vs. computer. Well I refuse to restart this so I will just go on from here. My bad!

Tag Team Turmoil This "turmoil" will be regulated to a TLC match with the Dudleys vs. Test and Steiner. I refuse to sit through individual matches for all these crappy teams. I have a feeling this match will last a good while. I should have done a normal match. I've said it before, and I will say it again. Bubba needs to wear pants. He looks like a fat turkey with hams for legs in shorts. Steiner dominates the match and goes for the belt and is dropped down allowing D-von to get them for the win, in 3 minutes!! What the hell? This is bush league man. * Winners: Dudleys

Trish and Lita vs. Jericho and Christian I wonder who will win this match? They really have Jericho's mannerisms down pat in this game. Trish looks like she has down syndrome and sadly lacks her patented camel toe. Trish starts by kicking some serious ass here. Jericho hits a sick release German on Lita, and it's like she is back on the set of Dark Angel all over again. Imagine breaking your neck on a show that was cancelled a few weeks later. At least she rebounded to be the best women's wrestler in the WWE! Feel good story of the year (sarcasm on). Trish ruins adolescent dreams by grabbing her crotch.after a Manhattan drop, proving that she has testicles. Christian and Jericho win after a top rope, reverse DDT by Christian. **

WINNERS: Jericho and Christian.

RVD vs. RKO

The man whose lost his motivation versus the man getting the undeserved monster push, go figure. RVD busts out with all of his patented moves in the first minute, and must now recycle them. He must feel he is on RAW again in a 3 minute match. In true main event fashion, RKO unleashes the rest holds.two minutes into the match. Glad to see all that Triple H training hasn't gone to waste. RKO shows the speed by getting two quick rollups for two each. Another roll up for two, as I feel they gave him the same move set he had as a sucky (I mean plucky) face. Instead of going for the 5*, RVD tries for 2 split legged moonsaults and they are reversed, and RKO hits the er.RKO, for Two!! RVD hits the 5* for the win!! Great match! *** Winner: RVD

Triple H vs. Kane vs. Goldberg This will have to be a ladder match cause I can't seem to find a normal triple threat, oh well. It's bout damn time Trips took a bump. Funny, as Trips comes out in the gay bicycle shorts and a seat coming out of his ass too. Goldberg slips on his entrance and starts flipping off fans. Kane's towel on his head makes him look like he "has the Rachel" haircut. Sexy.Goldberg completely works over these fools and I have to admit he is badass in the game. Trips goes for the belt but is pulled off at the last minute!! That was close. Cool spot as Trips and Kane climb the ladder by the ropes for some reason and Goldy pushes them off, to the outside. Trips grabs the patented sledgehammer but Goldy uses it on him. Trips gets killed dead by a jackhammer. After a clusterfuck of moves and Trips getting his ass kicked, Kane grabs the belt for the win! His winning pose is hilarious as he has a weird smerk on his face. Probably remembered how he killed a neighbors child or something. **

WINNER: Kane

Not too bad of an event, but this is a game in which the characters do MUCH cooler moves than their real life counterparts. I shall see how I do on the old predictions come Sunday, mostly the prediction being how bad the event will be!

Gonzo received some bad news as he will not be able to go out with his girlie this weekend, as she has some stuff she needs to take care of. Gonzo thinks he will go cry into his briefcase, and whatever floats to the top is going right into my veins!!! Anyway, take care all and have a great weekend.

Dr. G

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).