ACERBIC TREATS 11.30.06 THE RETURN OF DOCTOR GONZO.
Much like the Undertaker with Leslie Nielson on the case, I have risen from the
dead to grapple with my Doppleganger, in this case, the much more talented, better looking, taller wittier Sean Carless. As the Brian Lee to his Mark Calloway, I respectfully bow and thank him for allowing me to claw my way back to the site,
as one of the OG members.
Many of you are probably asking, "Where'd you go?" While others will no doubt scoff, "Who the fuck are you?"
Well me friends, much like that fat girl you fucked that night you were particularly desperate, and told her you loved her,
all the while you were making jokes, in your mind, about her in relation to the planets and other supernova type phenomena,
I won't leave you alone.
Well, after going through a particularly viscous pile of peyote boiled, acid
wrapped cocaine, I woke up in a mining colony in Bali. Or Kentucky, who fucking knows. No matter where it was, nobody really
spoke English. I signed my way through asking for internet access so I could warn Sean that I may be gone for almost exactly
a year. All I got were confused looks, much like I asked where a "shower" was, or "deodorant".
I found the way of life there quaint and interesting (read boring, and suicide
inducing), and soon fell into the life working in the fields. I was constantly called "boy" and told to pick all the tobacco
I can. I was paid in whippings. With the blatant racism and the constant, never-ending beatdowns, I thought I was actually
working for Vince McMahon. I made the mistake of telling Massa Malenko that I thought they should be pushing Edge more. He
responded by proving that he was the man of 1,000 moves, all of which involved him whipping me, 1,000 times.
So it went, back and forth for roughly 8 months. I continued to work the fields
and suggested pushes for some wrestlers, including the re-launch of ECW. I was repaid with more whippings. Eventually, the
joke was on them (I even did the Ricky Gervais tie adjustment), as I was able to save up enough whippings to buy my own freedom.
Goddamn were they angry when I came back with that check for 1,000,000,000,000,000 lashings, but they had no choice. I was
once again a free man, and able to watch the WWE again.
But first, the voyage home.It involved me flying around the sun to bring back
2 humpback whales to the future to stop an alien from destroying the galaxy. A documentary was actually made about it back
in 1986 starring William Shatner. It was a good one.
As I opened the door to my apartment, I was eager to see how the world of wrestling
has changed since I've been gone paying for my sins like a poor man's Jet Li. I immediately read Canadian Bacon's column to
catch up on all the new news and gossip as only he could tell, and checked my TiVo which had actually recorded all 52 episodes
of RAW and Smackdown and something called ECW. I knew ECW for what it was back in the mid 90s and early 2000 before Eric Bichoff
took it to the woods and shot it, but I was nearly positive that my TiVo just had dyslexia and had ACTUALLY recorded CEW,
or the Colostomy Entertainment Wrap-up. Imagine my shock when I found out that ECW (or something of that nature) had been
resurrected. Below are the few things that caught my eye since I've been gone. Enjoy you fucking hounds.
EDGE A MAIN EVENTER
I says, "HUH?!?!" It seems that Edge, after vowing not to 'Billy Gunn" his KOTR
win and proceeding to do exactly that, has returned with a harder image, and a few title reigns under his belt. Seeing as
he's now half the size of Triple H, I thought this would never happen. After viewing a few episodes, I realize why. I rarely
ever put any weight in valets of the feminine persuasion, except for Melina, but Lita has really come a long way. She still
sounds a cat whose being crammed up a fat mans ass and being farted on while meowing, but her and Edge's love affair behind
Matt's back was the springboard to Edge becoming a superstar. Rather than being "considerate", or even nice about the whole
situation, Edge went on to rub it in Matt's and the fan's faces (much like he does with Lita) as much as humanly possible.
Kudos also go to Vince McMahon who brought Matt back for a series of dream matches, only to have Matt embarrassed on a continuous
basis, killing the angle dead, and making Edge look like a million bucks, and making him the "Rated R Superstar". It also
doesn't hurt that Lita has showed her tits more time on TV than Jerry Lawler.
ECW IS IN THE HOUSE....
....and has been totally castrated. This looks more like Sunday Night Heat without
Stevie Richards to make it entertaining. Granted it has CM Punk rocking the house, but he has no direction, much like the
show. Is it it's own brand? The answer appears to be yes because they have their own title belt. I won't even begin to get
into the perverted lineage of the belt and how this isn't connected to the old ECW belt, but every time I think about it,
I lose all feeling in my brain and my dick, so I won't. If they are their own brand, how the hell do they swap wrestlers in
and out at a drop of a hat in the main event with RAW and Smackdown? One Night Stand, and the horribly names, One Night Stand
2, proved that ECW, when done right, is entertaining and incredibly passionately loved by it's fans, so of course it was up
t Vince to "WWE it up a bit" (that may or may not mean injecting it with steroids, and as Lashley has joined the brand, this
appears to be the case) and making it suck. I know he doesn't want to have to deal with paying injured wrestlers and saturating
the market with hardcore wrestling, but he seems to be ok with saturating it with hardcore garbage and terrible writing. He's
got to draw the line somewhere, and it obviously is right past entertainment, directly into the realm of unwatchable.
The man who asked for his release from the WWE, which shocked me, immediately
singed with TNA, which made me crap my pants. The ratings proved that his appearance doesn't mean anything to the typical
viewer, but if the word on the street is true, that his match with Samoa Joe was as good as it was, then I may have to tune
in more, and not just for the washed up floozies from the WWE (how can Gail Kim be that much hotter on TNA, and on the topic
of girls, Mickie James/Alexis Laree may have the nicest ass in wrestling history, but now has comically large boobs. That
may be because I am more of an ass man, not in the Billy Gunn way, except I do like to lick 'em and stick 'em and touch 'em,
but I like looking at asses more than boobs. I think I just may have provided a large insight into my social life. Anyway,
what the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, Kurt Angle's WWE character had gone VERY stale in the WWE, as he just became one
dimensional and lost a lot of his charm. He's that same way in TNA, but with his ability to work with Christian again, and
a lot of new faces for him to be intense with, could be good for him, although I wish TNA didn't blow their wad on the face
of the viewer and give away the Joe/Angle fight so early. It could have been built up to Taz/Sabu proportions, but that would
have pretty much guaranteed disappointment. Anyway, here's to Kurt having a great career with TNA and not ending up like my
other favorite wrestler, Dynamite Kid, in a wheelchair with a worthless penis.
Well it has been a long time coming, and it took me a while to get home, but
I'm finally here, back at the Wrestling Fan where I belong. Ah it feels like home. Except with slightly less molestation.
Good bye and I'll be writing soon.
Gonzo is The Wrestling Fan's resident alcoholic drug-dependent IWC superstar. As the inventor of both the Psychic Playstation
2 and the "Alcohol intake" rating system, his various works have been read here at The Wrestling Fan, along
with 411 Mania.com and Inside Pulse respectively. He was also declared clinically dead two years ago.
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).