Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

Note from Sean Carless: The Following work originally appeared at Wrestlecrap.com. We say *originally appeared* because due to bandwidth limitations, there are no *official* archives at the site, and as fast things go up, they tend to disappear as quickly as cucumbers in a woman's prison soon after. And yes, chances are we just wanted to use that liner. Okay then. Anyway, this is where TWF comes in; the following is the latest Derek Burgan GIMMICK TABLE in its glorious entirety for your viewing pleasure. And as a goodwill gesture, (and because I didn't slave over many a photoshop just to see them get lost to time) we will be archiving our good friend Derek's future masterpieces right here as they're replaced at Wrestlecrap... so that they can in turn LIVE FOREVER... bruther.

Text by Derek Burgan

As the owner of a Lance Hoyt action figure, Hurricane wind-up toy, and the official Balls Mahoney t-shirt, Derek Burgan is at the forefront of pro-wrestling 'Crap merchandise. He scours the world with his crack team of experts (including Keith Lipinski and Sean Carless) searching out the best and worst examples of wrestling's past, present, and future. With the introduction of The Gimmick Table, all wrestling fans will be able to enjoy all the great items that otherwise may have gone unnoticed!

Note from RD, Derek, and Sean Carless: "The following is a satire of TNA potentially "exploiting" Kurt Angle. It is meant as a parody of their ignoring certain concerns and not as an insult to Kurt himself. Viewer discretion is advised."

This week's spotlight: NEW KURT ANGLE MERCHANDISE!

With TNA's shocking signing of Your Olympic Hero Kurt Angle, a plethora of related merchandise was ordered to hit the shelves just in time for holiday shopping. This is your chance to get your Angle stuff while he's still under contract!


It's not easy to get out of a iron-clad contract signed in blood by super lawyer Jerry McDevitt, but former WWE grand slam champion Kurt Angle will show you how to get out of any bad deal in his new book Faking Addiction For Dummies. After his gold medal winning performance in Vince McMahon's office, Angle takes readers step by step through the years-long process of getting your coworkers and management to be completely convinced you are about to die any minute. Learn the "glossy eye" and "drooling lip" tricks along with dozens of other unique tips to make every person you come across to be scared for your life! Learn how to travel in style as people carry you from show to show! Even your own mother won't know if you are just acting erratic when she puts you on her dead pool.


Nothing is more scary to "the boys," or any alleged addict for that matter, than the shakes that come during the withdrawal process (or for that matter, watching SmackDown on Friday nights). That's why TNA is proud to unveil the official YOUR OLYMPIC HERO AMERICAN FLAG WITHDRAWL BLANKET. Show the world your patriotism while you battle your demons! 100% vomit proof and all American in spirit (actual blanket made in China) this is the one item you need when going cold turkey.


AS DISCUSSED ON THE HIT BUBBA THE LOVE SPONGE RADIO SHOW! Just because you kick ass inside the ring, doesn't mean you can't enjoy a piece of ass pounding pleasure outside of it. With the Kurt Anal butt plug, you and significant other will finally rid yourself of every sexual inhibition and find out exactly what third input (or as Karen Angle calls it, “the real third I” really means. As the only official butt plug endorsed by an Olympic gold medalist (not including Greg Louganis) the Kurt Anal is shaped with smooth ribs for maximum pleasure!


Everyone knows Kurt Angle's Three I - Intelligence, Intensity, Integrity - but not many know the fourth I, Intensive Care. When you wrestle 110% each and every night, something is going to happen sooner or later and that is when you are going to need the official TNA neck brace.


If you don't have the resolve of an Olympic Hero and are popping pain pills like Skittles, you need something to hold them all in. After months of intense research, the TNA R&D department is proud to announce the official Kurt Angle Faux Gold Medal Pill Holder. With four separate compartments, this revolutionary item will allow you to separate your uppers from your downers and your Vicodin from your Percasets. Dishwasher safe, this new pill holder will make you the envy of all the addicts and seniors in your neighborhood. As seen on A&E's hit show Intervention!


A properly fitted mouthguard must be protective, comfortable, resilient, tear resistant, odorless, tasteless, not bulky, cause minimal interference to speaking and breathing, and have excellent retention, fit, and sufficient thickness in critical areas. But most of all, it must scare the absolute living shit out of your opponent.


Kurt Angle embodies insanity. The new Kurt Angle "Rehab is for Silver Medalists" T-Shirt represents that insanity. Be a part of the wrestling history, at least in the sense of the “time honored tradition of turning a blind eye” with this amazing shirt. Face on shirt is actual size!


The only official bobblehead made to exact scale!

**Special thanks to Shaun Henderson for use of his great cartoon image of Kurt Angle.

DON'T FORGET to head on over and check out Sean Carless' hilarious look at the TEN WORST comic book to movie adaptations of all time. Catwoman, Batman and Robin, Steel, Double Dragon… they are all here, and many more. Highly recommended!

Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at F4Wonline and the world famous Wrestling Enjoyment Index at Wrestling Observer.Don't forget about his Opinion Pieces at World Wrestling Insanity or his stuff at The Wrestling Fan. He even has a MySpace page. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@wrestlecrap.com

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).