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Note from Sean Carless: The Following work originally appeared at Wrestlecrap.com. We say *originally appeared* because due to bandwidth limitations, there are no *official* archives at the site, and as fast things go up, they tend to disappear as quickly as cucumbers in a woman's prison soon after. And yes, chances are we just wanted to use that liner. Okay then. Anyway, this is where TWF comes in; the following is the latest Derek Burgan GIMMICK TABLE in its glorious entirety for your viewing pleasure. And as a goodwill gesture, (and because I didn't slave over many a photoshop just to see them get lost to time) we will be archiving our good friend Derek's future masterpieces right here as they're replaced at Wrestlecrap... so that they can in turn LIVE FOREVER... bruther.

Text by Derek Burgan

As the owner of a Lance Hoyt action figure, Hurricane wind-up toy, and the official Balls Mahoney t-shirt, Derek Burgan is at the forefront of pro-wrestling 'Crap merchandise. He scours the world with his crack team of experts (including Keith Lipinski and Sean Carless) searching out the best and worst examples of wrestling's past, present, and future. With the introduction of The Gimmick Table, all wrestling fans will be able to enjoy all the great items that otherwise may have gone unnoticed!

This week's spotlight: New WWE Horror Movies!

October brings the excitement of John Cena's sure-to-be-#1-movie "The Marine" and has WWE Films fast tracking several horror films in order to take advantage of the lucrative market opened up by cheap-but-scary films such as "Saw" and "The Grudge."

They say in space no one can hear you scream, well on the new CW Network, no one will hear or see you! Low Ratings = High Tension in this new thriller starring Super Crazy, Psicosis and Juventud Guerrera! After landing on the planet "Mexicool", a crew of space Marines is systematically decimated with moonsaults and badly timed planchas by the monstrous lawn-cutting extra-terrestrials that inhabit the planet. Stay tuned for the special "Easter Egg" after the credits with a naked "Juvi Juice" running around the set with a face hugger on his crotch.


Nothing is more scary to "the boys" than the newly instituted WWE Wellness Program and this movie shows why. After new WWE doctor Wayne Szalinski starts drug screening at Titan Towers, hilarity…. and horror ensues, depending on your point of view.


Camp Crystal Lake's famed serial killer makes his way to posh Connecticut and unleashes hell on the unsuspecting residents of Titan Tower. During the ensuing chaos, John Laurenitis and Vince McMahon fall in love with the masked murderer after watching a flurry of brutal slayings that sees the 6'6" killer carelessly manhandle those smaller than him, which of course results in him getting a main event push as so many others who have fit this same criterion have gotten this past year.

(Please note that the proposed sequel is on hold as Jason Voorhees was ultimately sent to OVW for retooling and released one month later.)


And here you thought Billy Kidman was the only thing in wrestling that was short and green (with envy). When David "Fit" Finlay returned to the U.S. after stealing some Irish leprechaun's pot of gold, he thought he could settle down and enjoy his newfound wealth. He thought wrong. The "Little Bastard" followed him and Finlay barely got away with his life, having locked the little monster in his ring truck. Ten years later, Vince McMahon and his spoiled daughter Stephanie hired Finlay. By accident, the leprechaun is released and almost immediately the annoying creature starts to look for his gold, not displaying any respect for human life or television ratings.


Other movies may try to dazzle you with a 40 foot giant ape. We have something even bigger, scarier (especially when he talks), and best of all, we didn't need any special effects!


A brilliant but eccentric scientist begins to hideously transform after getting into an atom displacement pod and having his molecules combined with that of a high flying Fiji Islander.


We'll admit it, we're going to hell for this one…

DON'T FORGET to head on over and check out Sean Carless' five star recapitation of Unforgiven 2006. Trust us, if you enjoy the Gimmick Table, you'll love this as well!

Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at F4Wonline and the world famous Wrestling Enjoyment Index at Wrestling Observer.Don't forget about his Opinion Pieces at World Wrestling Insanity or his stuff at The Wrestling Fan. He even has a MySpace page. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@wrestlecrap.com

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).