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by Derek Burgan As the owner
of a Lance Hoyt action figure, Hurricane wind-up toy, and the official Balls Mahoney t-shirt, Derek Burgan is at the forefront of pro-wrestling 'Crap merchandise.
He scours the world with his crack team of experts (including Keith Lipinski and Sean Carless) searching out the best and worst examples of wrestling's past,
present, and future. With the introduction of The Gimmick Table, all wrestling fans will be able to enjoy all the great items
that otherwise may have gone unnoticed!
This
week's spotlight: New WWE Horror Movies!
October brings
the excitement of John Cena's sure-to-be-#1-movie "The Marine" and has WWE Films fast tracking several horror films in order
to take advantage of the lucrative market opened up by cheap-but-scary films such as "Saw" and "The Grudge."
They say in space no one can hear you scream, well on the
new CW Network, no one will hear or see you! Low Ratings = High Tension in this new thriller starring Super Crazy,
Psicosis and Juventud Guerrera! After landing on the planet "Mexicool", a crew of space Marines is systematically decimated
with moonsaults and badly timed planchas by the monstrous lawn-cutting extra-terrestrials that inhabit the planet. Stay tuned
for the special "Easter Egg" after the credits with a naked "Juvi Juice" running around the set with a face hugger on his
crotch. Nothing is more
scary to "the boys" than the newly instituted WWE Wellness Program and this movie shows why. After new WWE doctor Wayne Szalinski
starts drug screening at Titan Towers, hilarity…. and horror ensues, depending on your point of view.
Camp Crystal Lake's
famed serial killer makes his way to posh Connecticut and unleashes hell on the unsuspecting residents of Titan Tower. During
the ensuing chaos, John Laurenitis and Vince McMahon fall in love with the masked murderer after watching a flurry of brutal
slayings that sees the 6'6" killer carelessly manhandle those smaller than him, which of course results in him getting a main
event push as so many others who have fit this same criterion have gotten this past year.
(Please note that
the proposed sequel is on hold as Jason Voorhees was ultimately sent to OVW for retooling and released one month later.)
And here you thought
Billy Kidman was the only thing in wrestling that was short and green (with envy). When David "Fit" Finlay returned to the
U.S. after stealing some Irish leprechaun's pot of gold, he thought he could settle down and enjoy his newfound wealth. He
thought wrong. The "Little Bastard" followed him and Finlay barely got away with his life, having locked the little monster
in his ring truck. Ten years later, Vince McMahon and his spoiled daughter Stephanie hired Finlay. By accident, the leprechaun
is released and almost immediately the annoying creature starts to look for his gold, not displaying any respect for human
life or television ratings.
Other movies may
try to dazzle you with a 40 foot giant ape. We have something even bigger, scarier (especially when he talks), and best of
all, we didn't need any special effects!
A brilliant but
eccentric scientist begins to hideously transform after getting into an atom displacement pod and having his molecules combined
with that of a high flying Fiji Islander.
We'll admit it,
we're going to hell for this one… DON'T FORGET
to head on over and check out Sean Carless' five star recapitation of Unforgiven 2006. Trust us, if you enjoy the
Gimmick Table, you'll love this as well!
Derek
Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at F4Wonline and the world famous Wrestling
Enjoyment Index at Wrestling Observer.Don't forget about his Opinion
Pieces at World Wrestling Insanity or his stuff at The Wrestling Fan. He even has a MySpace page. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@wrestlecrap.com
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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