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Note from Sean Carless: The Following work originally appeared at Wrestlecrap.com. We say *originally appeared* because due to bandwidth limitations, there are no *official* archives at the site, and as fast things go up, they tend to disappear as quickly as cucumbers in a woman's prison soon after. And yes, chances are we just wanted to use that liner. Okay then. Anyway, this is where TWF comes in; the following is the latest Derek Burgan GIMMICK TABLE in its glorious entirety for your viewing pleasure. And as a goodwill gesture, (and because I didn't slave over many a photoshop just to see them get lost to time) we will be archiving our good friend Derek's future masterpieces right here as they're replaced at Wrestlecrap... so that they can in turn LIVE FOREVER... bruther.

Text by Derek Burgan

As the owner of Stevie Richards action figure , Kevin Nash comic book, and the official WWE foam spinner belt, Derek Burgan is at the forefront of pro-wrestling 'Crap merchandise. Known in some circles as the wrestling version of Steve Irwin, this 'Crap Hunter scours the world with his crack team of experts (including Keith Lipinski and Sean Carless) searching out the best and worst examples of wrestling's past, present, and future. With the introduction of Derek Burgan's The Gimmick Table, all wrestling fans will be able to enjoy all the great items that otherwise may have gone unnoticed!

This week's spotlight: New TNA Merchandise!

 

TNA recently started selling a brand new X-Division shirt that was an unabashed rip-off of a previous WWE DeGeneration X shirt. This came off the heels of a Kevin Nash shirt that was a blatant steal of a Viscera "Size Matters" t-shirt. The Staff at the Gimmick Table have obtained other items TNA plans to offer that also seem to resemble various WWE products. We'll let you, the Gimmick Table reader, decide!

 

Despite the eerily resemblance to a certain horror horrible film starring Kane, TNA is going ahead with their own film and book division's first creation, a film based on the first four years of the company's existence. Starring TNA's biggest star and perpetual World heavyweight champion Jeff Jarrett, SEE NO PROFIT is an unflinching, and scary look into the day to day running of a major wrestling company. Previously titled AN INCONVENIENT TIMESLOT, this new film and book is sure to bring in the fans into the movie houses and bookstores across the country. And at a whopping 300 pages, the book itself is more "papered" than the old Nashville fairgrounds!

 

As the movie Super Size Me so rightfully pointed out, America is getting bigger. Much bigger. This epidemic is not limited to TNA's adult fan base as the children of American are becoming more obese than ever. TNA has decided to add a little fun into the measuring of your fat kid's rapidly expanding waistline with the new Raven Horizontal Growth Chart! "What about me? What about Raven?! What about my cheesecake?!!!"

 

  After seeing the success of the Samoan Bulldozer "up North," TNA is proud to present a whole new marketing campaign for its star Samoa Joe! Let's see that so-called bulldozer carry Scott Steiner for more than three minutes! 

 

In case you've been livin' under a rock, everybody knows who Jeff Jarrett is and how he has set Total Non Stop Action Wrestling on fire. In the history of wrestling, no one has ever caused as much mayhem, violence, and low PPV buyrates as Double J Jeff Jarrett. What does '24:7' mean? Well, c'mon son, who do you think has pretty much been champ from Day One? Wear on your chest what everyone knows, that Jeff Jarrett is TNA champ. Always has been. Always will be. And that's the bottom line! 'Cause His Daddy said so!

 

Just when you thought the man of a thousand broken tables and cheeseburgers was ready to stop, he comes back with another awesome design! This time Ray "Mysterious" is offering a unique design straight from "south of the border of Dudleyville" for his legions of supporters. Show the world who the trash talking and ass kicking superstar really is with this New Brother Ray Replica Mask. Officially Licensed by TNA! Fits kids ages 8 and up, especially those with big egos! Stretch faux leather. Velcro closure. Free bag of candy with order. "Devon! Get the MASK!"

 

FREE WITH EVERY ORDER! Add to your collection of loveable plush wrestling-related teddy bears with this complimentary TNA Panda Bear! Remember, 20% of the proceeds from your entire order goes straight to the World Wildlife Federation, the only WWF, and don't you forget it! Show your support for TNA, Panda Energy and The World Wildlife Fund with the only animal alive able to set Connecticut Billionaires into a state of uncontrollable rage, THE PANDA! Endangered in Stamford, Loved everywhere else! Get YOURS today, before we're they're extinct!


Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at F4Wonline and the world famous Wrestling Enjoyment Index at Wrestling Observer.Don't forget about his Opinion Pieces at World Wrestling Insanity or his stuff at The Wrestling Fan. He even has a MySpace page. Whew! Derek can be reached here!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).