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Note from Sean Carless: The Following work originally appeared at Wrestlecrap.com. We say *originally appeared* because due to bandwidth limitations, there are no *official* archives at the site, and as fast things go up, they tend to disappear as quickly as cucumbers in a woman's prison soon after. And yes, chances are we just wanted to use that liner. Okay then. Anyway, this is where TWF comes in; the following is the latest Derek Burgan GIMMICK TABLE in its glorious entirety for your viewing pleasure. And as a goodwill gesture, (and because I didn't slave over many a photoshop just to see them get lost to time) we will be archiving our good friend Derek's future masterpieces right here as they're replaced at Wrestlecrap... so that they can in turn LIVE FOREVER... bruther.

Text by Derek Burgan

As the owner of a Shawn Michaels jean jacket, Carnage Crew t-shirt, and the Ultimate Warrior comic book, Derek Burgan is at the forefront of pro-wrestling 'Crap merchandise. Known in some circles as the wrestling version of Steve Irwin, this 'Crap Hunter scours the world with his crack team of experts (including Keith Lipinski and Sean Carless) searching out the best and worst examples of wrestling's past, present, and future. With the introduction of Derek Burgan's The Gimmick Table, all wrestling fans will be able to enjoy all the great items that otherwise may have gone unnoticed!


This week's spotlight: New Books from WWE!

 

When The Grapefruits of Wrath was published during 1995, WWF, still two years away from the Get The F Out Attitude Era, came face to face with itself in a startling, lyrical way. John Steinbeck gathered the wrestling company's recent shames and devastations--the steroid trials, the hog farmers, the bodybuilding federation, Rad Radford, the union busting, the oppressive labor conditions--in the McMahon family. Then Steinbeck set them all down on a fast track to success, warts and all, for the world to acknowledge. For this marvel of observation and perception, he won the Pulitzer in 1996.

The prize must have come, at least in part, because alongside the poor ratings and house show attendance, the public burials, and child molestation lawsuits, Steinbeck chronicled the McMahon's refusal, even inability, to let go of their faltering but unmistakable hold on human suffering. Witnessing their ascension from the Connecticut hoi poli to a power hungry collection of greed personified is nothing short of crushing. The McMahon's lose family members to early death and WCW as they go, and are challenged by everything from Neilsen ratings to the authorities to the state wrestling commissions themselves. As Vince McMahon puts it: "Damn it, they're working away at our spirits. They're trying to make us cringe and crawl like a whipped bitch. They're trying to break us! Why, they are standing in the way of McMahonifest Destiny!"

 

The stunning biography of the world's first fully animatronic character to achieve an upper management position in a fortune 500 company. Calling all insomniacs! Now available in WWE audioBook form read by Linda McMahon itself.

 

With The Da Vince Code, Dan Brown masterfully concocts an intelligent and lucid thriller that marries the gusto of an international murder mystery with a collection of fascinating esoteria culled from 20 years of revisionist wrestling history.

A murder in the silent after-hour halls of Titan Towers reveals a sinister plot to uncover a secret that has been protected by a clandestine society since the days of Bruno Sammartino. The victim is a high-ranking agent of this ancient society who, in the moments before his death, manages to leave gruesome clues at the scene that only his granddaughter, head writer Stephanie McMahon, and David Meltzer, a famed historian, can untangle. The duo become both suspects and detectives searching for not only Stephanie's grandfather's murderer but also the stunning secret of the ancient territorial system he was charged to protect. Mere steps ahead of the authorities and the common sense, the mystery leads Stephanie and Meltzer on a breathless flight through Madison Square Garden, the Cow Palace, and rewriting WWE history itself. Brown (Angels and Demons) has created a page-turning thriller that also provides an amazing interpretation of WWE history. Brown's hero and heroine embark on a lofty and intriguing exploration of some of pro wrestling culture's greatest mysteries--from the inexplicable return of Matt Hardy to why the Iron Sheik really hates B. Brian Blair and wants to break his back the old country way to the return of ECW. Though some will quibble with the veracity of Brown's conjectures, therein lies the fun.

 

How to Eat Fried Worms has happily repulsed SmackDown readers since its original publication in 2005. Marty "Boogeyman" Wright must eat 15 worms in 15 days--but the reward will be worth it: being put over Matt Hardy in a dark match. Luckily, Boogeyman's friends cook up these fat juicy grubs in a variety of appetizing ways—Rey Mysterio's flaming-hot worm burrito, Sylvan Grenier's worm soufflé, Fit Finlay's boiled worms and cabbage, and the pièce de résistance, Great Khali's Punjabi Prison worm soup with curry.

 

The 7 Habits of Highly Addictive People: Powerful Lessons in Refusal to Change was a groundbreaker when it was first published in 1990, and it continues to be a wrestling bestseller with more than 10 copies sold in locker rooms worldwide. Stephen Covey, an internationally respected leadership authority (and former member of the Ding Dong tag team), realizes that true success in wrestling encompasses a balance of personal and professional demons, so this book is a manual for performing without care for body or soul in both arenas. A perfect companion to Dave Meltzer's Tributes!


Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at F4Wonline and the world famous Wrestling Enjoyment Index at Wrestling Observer.Don't forget about his Opinion Pieces at World Wrestling Insanity or his stuff at The Wrestling Fan. He even has a MySpace page. Whew! Derek can be reached here!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).