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Text by Derek Burgan.  Pictures by Sean Carless.

This week's spotlight: EXTREME JOB PLACEMENT PROGRAM!

 After the recent announcement of former ECW champion "The Franchise" Shane Douglas saying he was leaving wrestling behind to work for Target in its manager-in-training program (joining fellow ECW alum Justin Credible), Gimmick Table staffers have discovered that many retail stores and food companies are actively courting former ECW stars.

 PERRY SATURN AT WAL-MART: Welcome to Wal-Mart. Home of low prices, minimum wages, and lead based toys. As a Wal-Mart greeter, wrestlers will be able to enjoy the interaction with low income families, just like they did when they were in the ring! In fact, the transition to Wal-Mart is the easiest of any job because they don't offer their employees health benefits, 401K, or healthy annual increases… just like wrestling! Say hello to Wal-Mart and give a TOTAL ELIMINATION to unemployment!

 

SPIKE DUDLEY AT DOMINO'S PIZZA: Years ago, Domino's Pizza asked customers to Avoid The Noid, but now they want each and every person to Slobber Over That Jobber as Spike Dudley and all the other residents of Dudleyville have joined the Dominos team. Who doesn't want Chubby Dudley or Dance With Dudley delivering a piping hot order of CinnaStix or finally hear what Sign Guy Dudley sounds like while he's begging for a tip? Quality Control manager Bubba Ray Dudley has taste tested hundreds of thousands of pizzas, literally, to make sure our customers are served only the best ingredients. Get it right. Get it now. Get it from a professional athlete who didn't have a Plan B to fall back on.

 LANCE STORM AT STARBUCKS: You'll never chant boring again after Lance Storm fixes you a grande-sized Guatemala Casi Cielo with a shot of Espresso and topped with whipped cream! While you're waiting, feel free to browse through our huge selection of music CDs, all of which were used illegally to provide to provide ECW TV with the theme songs you know and love!

 SABU, SANDMAN, NEW JACK, and TOO COLD SCORPIO AT McDONALDS: Talk about a meal that will have you shouting "I'm FUCKING lovin' it!" after you finish! Where else are you going to get two all beef patties, special sauce, extra cheese, pickles, and onions, on a sesame seed bun from if not a washed up, barely able to walk, wrestling superstar? Just don't ask New Jack where that special sauce came from!

 PAUL HEYMAN AT WESTERN UNION: No one is better at promising people they will get their money than Paul Heyman. They may get it. They may not get it. Actually, they probably won't get it. In fact, they definitely won't get it. But with Western Union's exciting new promotion, you'll be able to offer the same false promises as the Mad Scientist of extreme! Your creditors will think that their money is on the way, giving you time to hit up your parents for loan.

NOVA, DAWN MARIE, and BLUE MEANIE AT BEST BUY: Best Buy is proud to offer numerous positions to former ECW curtain jerkers for its newly revamped GEEK SQUAD. Members of the Geek Squad will do a job anywhere and everywhere while also providing 24 hour blogging support. Marvel as Simon Diamond sets up your home network while The Muskateer installs the latest in firewall protection. They do the job so you don't have to!

So keep your eyes open wrestling fans, you'll never know which former hardcore legend you'll run into during your daily errands…

DON'T FORGET to head on over to The WrestlingFan.com and check out the Sean Carless' No Mercy PPV recap, alternately titled "how I got drunk and learned to tolerate a HHH ego fuck." Filled with Sean's trademark wit and top-notch photoshopping, this is certainly a review you'll enjoy more than the show itself! One of Sean's strengths is that he can appeal to so many people, even a smart audience. I dare you to click over to that review, check out the opening picture, and not laugh. Not many wrestling writers can combine wrestling and a major event from 1937.

While you're over at TWF, check out the TWF Sour 25. This is a parody of the stupid Power 25 that WWE.com puts up. Various writers take their turns writing the Sour 25 and this month is was Sean Carless himself doing the honors. Needless to say, it's damn funny stuff.

And head over to www.F4Wonline.com to listen to Dr. Keith Lipinski's incredible radio show which this week features Chikara's MIKE QUACKENBUSH! You might want to order the newest edition of Big Vision Entertainment's ground breaking Ultimate Insider's shoot interview DVDs, DOIN' TIME WITH NEW JACK, hosted by none other than Dr. Keith himself!

Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at F4Wonline and Wrestling Observer. Don't forget about his stuff at The Wrestling Fan which includes a full archive of The Gimmick Table. If you can believe it, the goof even has a MySpace page. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@wrestlecrap.com where you can bother him with all the questions he has no answer for, such as why you were banned from the WrestleCrap forums.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).