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Note from Sean Carless: The Following work originally appeared at Wrestlecrap.com. We say *originally appeared* because due to bandwidth limitations, there are no *official* archives at the site, and as fast things go up, they tend to disappear as quickly as cucumbers in a woman's prison soon after. And yes, chances are we just wanted to use that liner. Okay then. Anyway, this is where TWF comes in; the following is the latest Derek Burgan GIMMICK TABLE in its glorious entirety for your viewing pleasure. And as a goodwill gesture, (and because I didn't slave over many a photoshop just to see them get lost to time) we will be archiving our good friend Derek's future masterpieces right here as they're replaced at Wrestlecrap... so that they can in turn LIVE FOREVER... bruther.

Text by Derek Burgan.  Pictures by Sean Carless.

This week's spotlight: NEW REALITY TV SHOWS!

After the recent announcement of former WWE and WCW star Randy "Macho Man" Savage being involved in VH1's latest version of Surreal Life, everyone involved in the world of wrestling is scrambling to get a show on the air! Hell, if an untalented goof like Johnny Fairplay can get his 15 minutes of fame, there's hope for the rest of us in the wrestling world to one day be stars on the silver screen.

 SURVIVOR: PARTS UNKNOWN: The reality show that started it all continues to raise the bar with its exotic locations, high-risk challenges, and low rent wrestling Superstars on SURVIVOR: PARTS UNKNOWN. The new competition unleashes an eclectic group of oddities, giants, clowns, voodoo men and more on the ancient and mythical province of Parts Unknown, where they are prepared for adventure, danger and surprises in the hopes of winning a $50 Amazon.com gift certificate, a six month subscription to WWE magazine, and a ten day contract to work in Derby City Wrestling and/or Applebees.

AMERICAN MIDOL: The smash hit sensation continues featuring the best singing that untalented women can provide! From the screeching sounds of Stephanie McMahon to the unbearable warbling of Jillian Hall, this is the one place on television guaranteed to make your ears bleed. In an exciting new twist, the three judges format has been scraped and replaced with the ultimate judge of talent – DAVE MELTZER. That's right, the man who knew Tom Magee sucked so many moons ago is going to put that fantastic judge of talent to use on America's biggest stage. How will Frank Deford's favorite writer react to the sounds of Lita and her band the Luchagores? Will Big Dave go where no man has gone before in terms of judging Lillian and give her the elusive five stars? Find out this season on FOX!

SCOTT HALL IS 45… AND STILL ALIVE! After seeing that Scott Baio is 45 and single, famed television producer James L Brooks was even more surprised to find out that Scott Hall was 45… and still alive! Over the past 25 years, Scott Hall has lived a life that all red-blooded American males' would sell their big screen TV, car and soul for: big money contracts for very little work while drinking to excess each and every day. But now, staring down the barrel of middle age, Scott has come to the end of his demon-induced rope. At 45, he finds himself at a mid-life crisis of mythic proportions, wondering why he's not booked, alone and still unable to put over a cruiserweight..

With nowhere else to turn, Scott has decided to fully surrender the next eight weeks of his life to a highly-regarded life-coach. Former WWE star The Sandman will guide Hall on a grueling, soul-searching mission; forcing him to confront a laundry list of bridges that he has burned in order to hopefully get to the heart of his soul searching dilemma.

Each episode, Hal will have to confront another chapter from his sordid past, by actually reconnecting with some of his most substantial and combustible victims in order to get the bottom of his bad-boy behavior. Scott will head to Atlanta in order to apologize to Goldberg for the cattle prod zapping and also go face to face with Arn Anderson to beg for forgiveness over the infamous Four Horsemen skit. With the help of his long-time pals Kevin Nash and Sean Waltman, Scott will be able to successfully sift through the wreckage of his past, and endure an assortment of life-altering activities, (including putting over Shane Douglas), in order to finally understand why he is still alive when so many of his contemporaries have passed away.

BEAUTY AND THE GEEK: DIRTSHEET WRITER EDITION: From the producing team of Ashton Kutcher and Jason Goldberg (the creators of "Krone Meltzer"), hit reality show "Beauty and the Geek" returns for a fourth season with all new contestants and on an all new network, The Fight Network.

This cycle will remain true to the series' format - pairing eight gorgeous but academically impaired women with eight brilliant but socially challenged men of the Internet Wrestling Community to test intellect and social skills - for a chance to win a $250,000 grand prize. This season will be like no other as seven men of the IWC, and one Kangaroo from TNA will compete for the ultimate prize. As part of their subculture, these men have had very little contact with women (outside of porn DVDs) and are generally considered below Trekkies, Comic Book Fans, and those mullet sporting goofballs from Heavy Metal Parking Lot in the ladder of social "coolness." Watch and be amazed as these men (and marsupial) fight every instinct they have and actually talk to human woman outside of an AOL chat room. Included in this ALL STAR CAST are: Pro Wrestling Torch's Bruce Mitchell, Pat McNeill, and James Caldwell, Figure Four Weekly's Bryan Alvarez and Vincent Verhei, the Daily Lariat's Dave Scherer, Mat Watch's Steve Beverly and TNA's Stomper!

AMERICA'S TOP MIDGET: The competition intensifies for the ninth cycle of The CW's hit series "America's Next Top Midget," as the 13 finalists fight to turn their dreams of becoming a ridiculed professional wrestling performer. This season, an incredible transformation takes place as the finalists face tougher challenges, such as: having to reach the peanut butter on the first shelf in the kitchen, masterbating in a trash can and regurgitating Mini-Boogey's worms, all while living under one roof in the basement of famed Pro Wrestling Guerrilla fan, Jubs.

During this season, the 13 participants live together - including all sleeping together on one huge Tempur Pedic California King bed - and ferociously vie for the grand prize, competing in a highly accelerated Junior Divison boot camp run by Matt Sydal.

 WWE FEAR FACTOR: Nothing puts professional wrestlers on edge than the thought of a surprise drug test. In this exciting new show, we plant hidden cameras in the locker room and catch the reactions of many high profile wrestlers when they learn of immediate WELLNESS TESTS! You'll laugh… you'll cry… and they'll SCREAM!

 MY BIG FAT OBNOXIOUS WEBMASTER: EDITOR'S NOTE – Unfortunately we have learned right before going to press that this new show has already been taken off the fall schedule, much like Bob Ryder's book How I Killed Kayfabe.

DON'T FORGET to head on over to The WrestlingFan.com and check out the new brainchild of Sean Carless, the TWF Fan Laws! This is an interactive dealie that has been going on for well over a year that allows readers to add to the list of the UNWRITTEN LAWS OF WRESTLING. These include:

-The blond chick is more than likely going to win the Bikini contest.

 -Most women don't have last names. They simply are referred to by their first names in all walks of life.

-Your first promo on TNA TV must include at least one slam against Vince McMahon and his company. And many, MANY more. Head on over to TWF and check it out!

While you're at Sean's site, you might also enjoy the many TV reviews they do, including this week's edition of ECW on Sci Fi by Gershon Levy.

And check out www.F4Wonline.com to listen to Dr. Keith Lipinski's incredible radio show which this week features Adam Pearce and old school ECW's own THE MUSKATEER~! You might want to order the newest edition of Big Vision Entertainment's ground breaking Ultimate Insider's shoot interview DVDs, DOIN' TIME WITH NEW JACK, hosted by none other than Dr. Keith himself!

Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at F4Wonline and Wrestling Observer. Don't forget about his stuff at The Wrestling Fan which includes a full archive of The Gimmick Table. If you can believe it, the goof even has a MySpace page. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@wrestlecrap.com where you can bother him with all the questions he has no answer for, such as why you were banned from the WrestleCrap forums.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).