Text by
Derek Burgan . Pics by Sean Carless.
[The Following is obviously a
Satire. So don't get any funny ideas WWE Legal! Ahem.]. After the recent success
of Socko's WWE RAW brand energy drinks being sold at Wal-Mart's nation
wide, Vince McMahon and the WWE think tank put their heads together to
come up with an idea to tap into another very lucrative specialty drinks
market and came up with another winner. Be prepared for WWE Juice, the
first and only brand of juice targeting the key 6-14 year old
demographic.
BATISTA
BANANA BLAST: Nothing will start your day off better than getting
those pesky T/E ratios up a couple notches by downing a bottle of
Batista Banana Blast! This is one leviathan of a drink that will make
you the king of the playground! Unleash your inner beast! (Warning:
consumption of beverage may have drastic effect on muscle tendons and
coordination)
REY MYSTERIO
MANGO: If you need energy to work those monkey bars at recess,
you'll need to amp up the volume by gulping down some Rey Mysterio
Mango. This is one drink that's worth driving 3000 miles for!
MARK HENRY'S
GORILLA GRAPE: Sterotypically sweet while also being packed with
the strength of a Silverback, Mark Henry's Gorilla Grape is the perfect
drink for any person of color, but especially the color black. Become
the King Kong of your neighborhood by mixing Gorilla Grape with WWE
brand Sexual Chocolate syrup to really take it up a notch!
LASHLEY
LEMONADE: High in taste, low in charisma, Lashley Lemonade's
unique mix of water, lemons, sugar, and Deca Durabolin combine to get
your motors running like never before! SNITSKY
STRAWBERRY SURGE: If your mom only packs chocolate milk or Yoohoo
in your lunchbox and you still like the skinny kid who gets sand kicked
on them at the beach, well, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! Our exclusive blend of
juice extracts and Stonozolol work together to get your taste buds, and
trap muscles, exited to a whole new level! GREAT KHALI
KIWI: We'll be the first to admit, this drink doesn't have all
that much to offer. It doesn't taste very good. The bottle is rather
awkward to hold. And after drinking some, many people get turned off to
juice in general. However, LOOK AT HOW BIG THAT BOTTLE IS! Who cares how
bad it tastes, the bottle is huge! At the very least, you'll have
something to drink next time you're abandoned at
the Red Robin!
DON'T FORGET to head on
over to The WrestlingFan.com and check out Sean Carless' review of
Transformers:
The Movie. I've said it before and I'll say it again, this is the
definitive
version
of the Robots In Disguise and not the Michael Bay CGI version. Great
animation, a fantastic soundtrack, (I mean c'mon, "Dare" and "You
Got the Touch"?!) and a solid story add up to a fun film. Carless recaps
the movie and adds in his world class photoshops to make this the best
read in recent memory. Check it out, you won't be sorry.
While you're at Sean's
site, you might also enjoy this classic WARRIOR FOR
PRESIDENT satire. That's right, read about the exploits of Warrior
and his running mate BRUTUS BEEFCAKE as they make a run for the
Presidential bid in '08. Look out Hillary and Obama! Pure Carless Genius
in action.
And check out
www.F4Wonline.com to listen to Dr. Keith Lipinski's incredible radio
show which will soon feature interviews with ROH's Gabe Sapolsky and
Nigel McGuinness, fresh off their tour of Japan. This week also features
a Dr. Keith Klassic with Marcus Von Cor and CZW's Eddie Kingston. You
might want to order the newest edition of Big Vision Entertainment's
ground breaking Ultimate Insider's shoot interview DVDs, DOIN' TIME
WITH NEW JACK, hosted by none other
than Dr. Keith himself!
Derek Burgan can be
seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews
over at F4Wonline and Wrestling
Observer, although to be fair, he's really been slacking lately.
Don't forget about his stuff at The Wrestling Fan
which includes a full archive of The Gimmick Table. If you can believe
it, the goof even has a MySpace page. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@wrestlecrap.com
This week's spotlight: WWE's NEW "GET
JUICED!" CAMPAIGN
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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