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Note from Sean Carless: The Following work originally appeared at Wrestlecrap.com. We say *originally appeared* because due to bandwidth limitations, there are no *official* archives at the site, and as fast things go up, they tend to disappear as quickly as cucumbers in a woman's prison soon after. And yes, chances are we just wanted to use that liner. Okay then. Anyway, this is where TWF comes in; the following is the latest Derek Burgan GIMMICK TABLE in its glorious entirety for your viewing pleasure. And as a goodwill gesture, (and because I didn't slave over many a photoshop just to see them get lost to time) we will be archiving our good friend Derek's future masterpieces right here as they're replaced at Wrestlecrap... so that they can in turn LIVE FOREVER... bruther.

Text by Derek Burgan . Pics by Sean Carless.

[The Following is obviously a Satire. So don't get any funny ideas WWE Legal! Ahem.].
This week's spotlight: WWE's NEW "GET JUICED!" CAMPAIGN

After the recent success of Socko's WWE RAW brand energy drinks being sold at Wal-Mart's nation wide, Vince McMahon and the WWE think tank put their heads together to come up with an idea to tap into another very lucrative specialty drinks market and came up with another winner. Be prepared for WWE Juice, the first and only brand of juice targeting the key 6-14 year old demographic.

BATISTA BANANA BLAST: Nothing will start your day off better than getting those pesky T/E ratios up a couple notches by downing a bottle of Batista Banana Blast! This is one leviathan of a drink that will make you the king of the playground! Unleash your inner beast! (Warning: consumption of beverage may have drastic effect on muscle tendons and coordination)

REY MYSTERIO MANGO: If you need energy to work those monkey bars at recess, you'll need to amp up the volume by gulping down some Rey Mysterio Mango. This is one drink that's worth driving 3000 miles for!

MARK HENRY'S GORILLA GRAPE: Sterotypically sweet while also being packed with the strength of a Silverback, Mark Henry's Gorilla Grape is the perfect drink for any person of color, but especially the color black. Become the King Kong of your neighborhood by mixing Gorilla Grape with WWE brand Sexual Chocolate syrup to really take it up a notch!

LASHLEY LEMONADE: High in taste, low in charisma, Lashley Lemonade's unique mix of water, lemons, sugar, and Deca Durabolin combine to get your motors running like never before!

SNITSKY STRAWBERRY SURGE: If your mom only packs chocolate milk or Yoohoo in your lunchbox and you still like the skinny kid who gets sand kicked on them at the beach, well, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! Our exclusive blend of juice extracts and Stonozolol work together to get your taste buds, and trap muscles, exited to a whole new level!

GREAT KHALI KIWI: We'll be the first to admit, this drink doesn't have all that much to offer. It doesn't taste very good. The bottle is rather awkward to hold. And after drinking some, many people get turned off to juice in general. However, LOOK AT HOW BIG THAT BOTTLE IS! Who cares how bad it tastes, the bottle is huge! At the very least, you'll have something to drink next time you're abandoned at the Red Robin!

DON'T FORGET to head on over to The WrestlingFan.com and check out Sean Carless' review of Transformers: The Movie. I've said it before and I'll say it again, this is the definitive version of the Robots In Disguise and not the Michael Bay CGI version. Great animation, a fantastic soundtrack, (I mean c'mon, "Dare" and "You Got the Touch"?!) and a solid story add up to a fun film. Carless recaps the movie and adds in his world class photoshops to make this the best read in recent memory. Check it out, you won't be sorry.

While you're at Sean's site, you might also enjoy this classic WARRIOR FOR PRESIDENT satire. That's right, read about the exploits of Warrior and his running mate BRUTUS BEEFCAKE as they make a run for the Presidential bid in '08. Look out Hillary and Obama! Pure Carless Genius in action.

And check out www.F4Wonline.com to listen to Dr. Keith Lipinski's incredible radio show which will soon feature interviews with ROH's Gabe Sapolsky and Nigel McGuinness, fresh off their tour of Japan. This week also features a Dr. Keith Klassic with Marcus Von Cor and CZW's Eddie Kingston. You might want to order the newest edition of Big Vision Entertainment's ground breaking Ultimate Insider's shoot interview DVDs, DOIN' TIME WITH NEW JACK, hosted by none other than Dr. Keith himself!

Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at F4Wonline and Wrestling Observer, although to be fair, he's really been slacking lately. Don't forget about his stuff at The Wrestling Fan which includes a full archive of The Gimmick Table. If you can believe it, the goof even has a MySpace page. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@wrestlecrap.com  

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).