Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum
Note from Sean Carless: The Following work originally appeared at Wrestlecrap.com. We say *originally appeared* because due to bandwidth limitations, there are no *official* archives at the site, and as fast things go up, they tend to disappear as quickly as cucumbers in a woman's prison soon after. And yes, chances are we just wanted to use that liner. Okay then. Anyway, this is where TWF comes in; the following is the latest Derek Burgan GIMMICK TABLE in its glorious entirety for your viewing pleasure. And as a goodwill gesture, (and because I didn't slave over many a photoshop just to see them get lost to time) we will be archiving our good friend Derek's future masterpieces right here as they're replaced at Wrestlecrap... so that they can in turn LIVE FOREVER... bruther.

Text by Derek Burgan . Pics by Sean Carless.


After several disastrous appearances on cable talk shows, WWE finally broke down and went to an outside Public Relations firm in order to stem the tide of negative publicity and eliminate the phrase "roid rage" from public discussion. The editors of the Gimmick Table were lucky enough to acquire several of the items being handed out to WWE personnel in order to make appearances easier and, more importantly, fun again!

VINCE McMAHON SEE 'N SAY: When you are out on the talk show circuit, it is very important to know how to steer the discussion in a favorable direction. With the new Vince McMahon See 'n Say, we make any question easy to answer! Just pull the string and VKM himself will give you the perfect answer to shut up one of those simpleton talking heads like Nancy Grace. We've tested this proprietary technology over the years by having Vince scream into Joey Styles and Michael Cole's headsets, so you're guaranteed to be able to tow the company line using words you can trust.

Future editions will feature other stand-by answers such as "Dirty media lies!", "If you've never been in the WWE locker room, you don't know anything!", and "Is it only wrestlers that die?!" You'll never be at a loss for words again. The new Vince McMahon See 'N Say, It's the closest thing to having Jerry McDevitt at your side!

OFFICIAL WWE DEATH LIST: The only thing worse on TV this year other than the ending to The Sopranos was seeing that goof Marc Mero hold up his list of wrestlers that have died. How can we take someone seriously who has clearly switched out massive injections of testosterone for botox?! But it's not just that clown, there is also the USA Today list. Everyone has a list! Sometimes it is 25, sometimes it is 60. Hell, we've even see lists that have over a hundred names on it! We have finally compiled a definitive list of wrestlers who have died on our watch. This is the list you will be able to hold up on TV and be able to stand behind. How do you like them apples Mr. Mero?!

 OFFICIAL WELLNESS OFFICER T-SHIRT: In the immortal words of ZZ Top, " 'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man!" Show your support for The Cause by being an unofficial member of Dr. Black's Wellness Testing Enforcement Squad, where a 59:1 ratio is a PASS! Available in XL, XXL, XXXL and ELE (Elevated Liver Enzimes) sizes.

FIT FINLAY T-SHIRT: Nothing drives us up a wall faster than seeing some know-nothing who has never spent a second in the ring, like the diminutive Bryan Alvarez (a known Mexican and a jock sniffer if there ever was one), spout his dirtsheet drivel to the masses as if it was something credible. It takes a real man to stand up to those loud mouthed cowards that hide behind their computer, a man like FIT FINLAY!

KEN KENNEDY T-SHIRT: He's more marvelous than Mero and more superstar than Graham, and he doesn't live in a van down by the river like Luger. That's right, we're talking the one and only KEN KENNEDY… KENNEDY! A straight shooter, Ken Kennedy enjoys telling the has beens and never was's of this business the what's what!

STEVE BLACKMAN FLIP FLOPS: Occasionally you will run into a person that can't decide whether they are a WWE apologist or someone who wants to change this "horrible industry." When you meet that type of person, you are going to want to kick his allegedly "lethal" ass and what better way to do that than using the official Steve Blackman flip flops! Made with the patented Croc rubber, these flip flops will fit nicely on your feet as your size 9 feet curbstomp someone who forgets what it is like to be "one of the boys."

'Nuff said true believer. Also available in Wrestling Observer and PWTorch editions.

DON'T FORGET to head on over to The WrestlingFan.com and check out Sean Carless' review of Transformers: The Movie. No, not the Michael Bay version, the ultra cool 1986 animated movie! I can remember actually GOING TO THE MOVIE THEATRE to see this movie and it was still more acceptable than seeing Beyond the Mat at the theater. Anyway, Carless gives an in-depth review of the recent 20th anniversary DVD (which you should buy right now by Clicking HERE) and is a must-read piece of a total bad ass movie. Don't even get me started on the soundtrack. God DAMN was that great!

While you're at Sean's site, you might also enjoy this classic HULKAMANIA FOREVER satire. It gets my Seal of Approval Give and is laugh out loud funny.

And check out www.F4Wonline.com to listen to Dr. Keith Lipinski's incredible radio show which will soon feature interviews with ROH's Gabe Sapolsky and Nigel McGuinness, fresh off their tour of Japan. This week also features a Dr. Keith Klassic with Marcus Von Cor and CZW's Eddie Kingston. You might want to order the newest edition of Big Vision Entertainment's ground breaking Ultimate Insider's shoot interview DVDs, DOIN' TIME WITH NEW JACK, hosted by none other than Dr. Keith himself!

Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at F4Wonline and Wrestling Observer, although to be fair, he's really been slacking lately. Don't forget about his stuff at The Wrestling Fan which includes a full archive of The Gimmick Table. If you can believe it, the goof even has a MySpace page. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@wrestlecrap.com

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).