Text by
Derek Burgan . Pics by Sean Carless. This week's spotlight: WWE's PUBLIC
RELATIONS MERCHANDISE!
After several disastrous appearances on
cable talk shows, WWE finally broke down and went to an outside Public
Relations firm in order to stem the tide of negative publicity and
eliminate the phrase "roid rage" from public discussion. The editors of
the Gimmick Table were lucky enough to acquire several of the items
being handed out to WWE personnel in order to make appearances easier
and, more importantly, fun again!
VINCE McMAHON SEE 'N SAY:
When you are out on the talk show circuit, it is very important to know
how to steer the discussion in a favorable direction. With the new Vince
McMahon See 'n Say, we make any question easy to answer! Just pull the
string and VKM himself will give you the perfect answer to shut up one
of those simpleton talking heads like Nancy Grace. We've tested this
proprietary technology over the years by having Vince scream into Joey
Styles and Michael Cole's headsets, so you're guaranteed to be able to
tow the company line using words you can trust.
Future editions will feature other stand-by
answers such as "Dirty media lies!", "If you've never been in the WWE
locker room, you don't know anything!", and "Is it only wrestlers
that die?!" You'll never be at a loss for words again. The new Vince
McMahon See 'N Say, It's the closest thing to having Jerry McDevitt at
your side!
OFFICIAL WWE DEATH LIST:
The only thing worse on TV this year other than the ending to The
Sopranos was seeing that goof Marc Mero hold up his list of wrestlers
that have died. How can we take someone seriously who has clearly
switched out massive injections of testosterone for botox?! But it's not
just that clown, there is also the USA Today list. Everyone has a list!
Sometimes it is 25, sometimes it is 60. Hell, we've even see lists that
have over a hundred names on it! We have finally compiled a definitive
list of wrestlers who have died on our watch. This is the list you will
be able to hold up on TV and be able to stand behind. How do you like
them apples Mr. Mero?!
OFFICIAL WELLNESS OFFICER
T-SHIRT: In the immortal words of ZZ Top, " 'Cause every girl
crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man!" Show your support for The Cause by
being an unofficial member of Dr. Black's Wellness Testing Enforcement
Squad, where a 59:1 ratio is a PASS! Available in XL, XXL, XXXL and ELE
(Elevated Liver Enzimes) sizes.
FIT FINLAY T-SHIRT:
Nothing drives us up a wall faster than seeing some know-nothing who has
never spent a second in the ring, like the diminutive Bryan Alvarez (a
known Mexican and a jock sniffer if there ever was one), spout his
dirtsheet drivel to the masses as if it was something credible. It takes
a real man to stand up to those loud mouthed cowards that hide behind
their computer, a man like FIT FINLAY!
KEN KENNEDY T-SHIRT:
He's more marvelous than Mero and more superstar than Graham, and he
doesn't live in a van down by the river like Luger. That's right, we're
talking the one and only KEN KENNEDY… KENNEDY! A straight shooter, Ken
Kennedy enjoys telling the has beens and never was's of this business
the what's what!
STEVE BLACKMAN FLIP FLOPS:
Occasionally you will run into a person that can't decide whether they
are a WWE apologist or someone who wants to change this "horrible
industry." When you meet that type of person, you are going to want to
kick his allegedly "lethal" ass and what better way to do that than
using the official Steve Blackman flip flops! Made with the patented
Croc rubber, these flip flops will fit nicely on your feet as your size
9 feet curbstomp someone who forgets what it is like to be "one of the
boys."
'Nuff said true believer. Also available in
Wrestling Observer and PWTorch editions.
DON'T FORGET to head on over to The
WrestlingFan.com and check out Sean Carless' review of Transformers: The Movie.
No, not the Michael Bay version, the ultra cool 1986 animated movie! I
can remember actually GOING TO THE MOVIE THEATRE to see this movie and
it was still more acceptable than seeing Beyond the Mat at the theater.
Anyway, Carless gives an in-depth review of the recent 20th anniversary
DVD (which you should buy right now by Clicking HERE)
and is a must-read piece of a total bad ass movie. Don't even get me
started on the soundtrack. God DAMN was that great!
While you're at Sean's site, you might also
enjoy this classic HULKAMANIA FOREVER satire. It gets my Seal of Approval Give and is
laugh out loud funny.
And check out www.F4Wonline.com to listen
to Dr. Keith Lipinski's incredible radio show which will soon feature
interviews with ROH's Gabe Sapolsky and Nigel McGuinness, fresh off
their tour of Japan. This week also features a Dr. Keith Klassic with
Marcus Von Cor and CZW's Eddie Kingston. You might want to order the
newest edition of Big Vision Entertainment's ground breaking Ultimate
Insider's shoot interview DVDs, DOIN' TIME WITH NEW JACK,
hosted by none other than Dr. Keith himself!
Derek Burgan can be seen wasting
everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at
F4Wonline and Wrestling Observer, although to be fair, he's really been slacking
lately. Don't forget about his stuff at The Wrestling Fan which includes a full archive of The Gimmick Table.
If you can believe it, the goof even has a MySpace page. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@wrestlecrap.com
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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