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Note from Sean Carless: The Following work originally appeared at Wrestlecrap.com. We say *originally appeared* because due to bandwidth limitations, there are no *official* archives at the site, and as fast things go up, they tend to disappear as quickly as cucumbers in a woman's prison soon after. And yes, chances are we just wanted to use that liner. Okay then. Anyway, this is where TWF comes in; the following is the latest Derek Burgan GIMMICK TABLE in its glorious entirety for your viewing pleasure. And as a goodwill gesture, (and because I didn't slave over many a photoshop just to see them get lost to time) we will be archiving our good friend Derek's future masterpieces right here as they're replaced at Wrestlecrap... so that they can in turn LIVE FOREVER... bruther.

Text by Derek Burgan

With the smashing debut of WRESTLING SOCIETY X, production has quickly begun on merchandise geared for the 12-24 year old market that MTV covets. Kids go to school, and before school they eat breakfast so the fast-tracking of WSX themed breakfast cereals was green lit by WSX creator and professional poker player Houston Curtis, co-creator Kevin Kleinrock, and Houston's counterpart on MTV, one of the girls from the show My Super Sweet Sixteen.

Don't forget to watch Wrestling Society X every Tuesday on MTV at 10:30PM! Or Wednesday at 1:30AM. Or Thursday at 12:30AM and 9:30PM. Or Friday at 9:30PM. Or Saturday at 2:30PM or 11:00PM. Or Sunday at 11:30PM. Hell, just turn on MTV, it's probably on right now. Or you can watch any of the 10 airings on MTV 2. Or you can go online and watch the show online at WSX.MTV.COM.


The only breakfast cereal with a combination of 10 vitamins and minerals that will have you literally losing your mind before lunch! Shipping directly from Calgary, Alberta, each box of Frosted Flake contains the proprietary formula that allows the person eating the cereal to have the unique ability to stick their foot directly in their mouth repeatedly. Spokesman Teddy Hart has claimed that Frosted Flake is a great part of anyone's breakfast until they are good enough to eat a real cereal like Fruity Pebbles.

(please note: the views of this cereal do not reflect the views of Kellogg's, Wrestling Society X, MTV, Big Vision Entertainment, multi-grain cereals, Canada, and perhaps even Teddy Hart himself. The ingestion of Frosted Flake may also cause involuntary knee spasms and the subconscious desire to do moonsaults and flips for no logical reason)


Unlucky Charms consists of two main components: small, toasted bits of oats and multi-colored marshmallow bits in various "demonic" shapes. Contrary to popular belief, they are not sold in Mexico, because lucha legend Vampiro refuses to sell anything in Mexico, regardless of whether it is boxes of cereal or the dreaded “Marionette” piledriver!

(Warning: because of the amount of carbs within each serving size of Unlucky Charms, some may find a bloating of the stomach after eating. Commonly known in the food industry as “The Raven Effect,” this rare occurrence also seems to give some people delusions of grandeur as well.)


Here's the one cereal in your cupboard that will have all the teenage girls in your house swooning. Frosted Mini-Whites puts the spotlight on some of the finest young - and amazing small, even by WSX standards - white wrestlers. Jack Evans, Matt Sydal, and the emo tag team D.I.F.H. are just some of the incredible high-flying athletes who are attached to this product. Two bowls of this and you'll be doing 630s off your breakfast nook in no time!


What a better way to keep it gangtsa then waking up and enjoying a big ass bowl of Raisin Bran Crunk? Each box comes with various BLING that can be put on the outside to show how much of a playah you really are. Show the hotties and the haters that you mean business. Totally blinged out with diamonds and deliciousness, this is one cereal that will knock you the f*** out!


The only cereal on the market that is worth a fifth justifiable homicide. Trust us, one bite of this crunchy, sweetened multi-grain cereal with apple and cinnamon will have you gigging your forehead in excitement while looking for the closest balcony to jump from! We bet that even Mass Transit wishes he could have lived to taste this little slice of heaven. Each box comes with a guaranteed authentic I.O.U. from Paul Heyman, seasoned veteran Hamrick, or pro-wrestling movie mogul Michael Moody!


While not an official member of the Wrestling Society X cast, and for that matter, humanity itself, z-list celebrity the Green Lantern Fan joins an exclusive club with his own cereal, NO LIFE. Ever have one of those days where you just had no reason to get out of bed? What if you spent your day with a stop watch timing your bowel movements while reading the latest issue of 52? Well, what if every day was like that? If that describes you, than a big bowl of NO LIFE may just be what the doctor ordered. Dr. Keith Lipinski - the official timekeeper of WSX - that is! Available in five tasty flavors including Comic Book Cinnamon, Video Game Vanilla, and the exciting new release, Internet Porn Pineapple Crunch!

DON'T FORGET to head on over to The WrestlingFan.com and check out Sean Carless' riotous WWE History satire. Another ten star masterpiece that answers the question “What if WWE bought out the History Channel?” Just as in WWE DVDs, McMahon has “reinvented history” with hilarious results. I double-dog-dare you to read this piece and not laugh out loud.

Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at F4Wonline and the world famous Wrestling Enjoyment Index at Wrestling Observer.Don't forget about his Opinion Pieces at World Wrestling Insanity or his stuff at The Wrestling Fan (which includes the Gimmick Table archives). He even has a MySpace page. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@wrestlecrap.com

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).