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Note from Sean Carless: The Following work originally appeared at Wrestlecrap.com. We say *originally appeared* because due to bandwidth limitations, there are no *official* archives at the site, and as fast as things go up, they tend to disappear as quickly as cucumbers in a woman's prison soon after. And yes, chances are we just wanted to use that liner. Okay then. Anyway, this is where TWF comes in; the following is the first 4 Derek Burgan GIMMICK TABLES in their glorious entirety for your viewing pleasure. And as a goodwill gesture, (and because we didn't slave over many a photoshop just to see them get lost to time) we will be archiving our good friend Derek's future masterpieces right here as they're replaced at Wrestlecrap... so that they can in turn LIVE FOREVER... bruther.

Text by Derek Burgan

As the owner of WrestleMania: the album, Beulah McGillicuty t-shirt, and the Elimination Chamber playset, Derek Burgan is at the forefront of pro-wrestling 'Crap merchandise. Known in some circles as the wrestling version of Steve Irwin, this "'Crap Hunter" scours the world with his crack team of experts (including Dr. Keith Lipinski, Bluefist, and Sean Carless) searching out the best and worst examples of wrestling's past, present, and future. With the introduction of Derek Burgan's The Gimmick Table, all wrestling fans will be able to enjoy all the great items that otherwise may have gone unnoticed!

The Rise + Fall of G.L.O.W

The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling are back in the spotlight with this exciting two disc DVD set! G.L.O.W. was a true revolution in the world of professional wrestling whose unique and innovative television shows are directly responsible for the WWF "Attitude" era and the oeuvre of Vince Russo as well as a precursor to the Ring of Honor promotion.

Relive the tag team finesse of Hollywood & Vine, a duo who the Wrestling Observer's Dave Meltzer said "will make everyone forget Manami Toyota & Akira Hokuto." Enjoy a full hour of bonus footage with Jackie Stallone, the very same woman that Pro Wrestling Torch's Wade Keller claimed had "better promos than Jim Cornette, Ric Flair, and Roddy Piper... combined." All this and much, MUCH more!

Best of Teddy Hart: Don't Ever Change!

For the past four years, the roster of Ring of Honor has contained many of the most talented wresters on the independent scene. Legendary names like Samoa Joe, "The Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels, Paul London, Homicide, C.M. Punk and Jay Lethal are just a few of the high profile wrestlers who have spent time in the ROH ring. One wrestler stands out from all the others. One man who is head and shoulders above everyone else in terms of talent and charisma.

That man is Teddy Hart.

This exciting new release from ROH features all of Teddy's classic matches in Ring of Honor, including the must-see Scramble Cage main event from Main Event Spectacles. You'll be amazed at Teddy's high flying as well as his after match antics! See for yourself why Teddy Hart is always the talk of the industry no matter where he goes.

From Teddy's incredible ability to produce hilarious, yet on-point promos to his one-of-a-kind daredevil style highspots, this DVD contains everything a fan could ask for. As a special bonus, Teddy Hart provides commentary while watching a exclusive "dramatization" of his famous altercation with C.M. Punk at the White Trash Cafe. See if you can find the Easter Egg with the 30 minute documentary on Teddy training his cat army! This is one DVD every wrestling fan is going to want to add to their collection! (available 6/24/2006

 

TNA Presents: The Best of Kevin Nash

Big Sexy.

Big Daddy Cool.

Even bigger injuries.

A career retrospective of the one and only Kevin Nash is the next great release from Total Nonstop Action wrestling! With exclusive commentary by Kevin Nash and a severely inebriated Scott Hall, this DVD covers all of Nash's best TNA matches and subsequent hospital stays. With a running time of 18 minutes, every longtime wrestling fan will be held breathless watching one of wrestling's greatest ring generals in his true environment, the Emergency Room.

 

As a special bonus, for the very first time Kevin Nash talks about his run as the wrestler "Oz" while in WCW. Big Sexy discusses how it took everything he had not to laugh in booker Dusty Rhodes' face when the gimmick was suggested and other interesting tidbits from one of wrestling's most outrageous and beloved characters!

Straight Shootin' with the Green Lantern Fan

From crying at ECW's One Night Stand to Scott Hall threatening sodomy, legendary wrestling fan Green Lantern Fan has seen it all. In this exclusive two hour shoot with ROH, Green Lantern Fan goes through the proper modulations for your watch in order to achieve correct match time recording as well as selecting the appropriate Green Lantern shirt for each and every occasion.

What does GLF think of other attention-getting fans? Between Hal Jordan, Kyle Rayner, and Guy Gardner, who does GLF believe is the true Green Lantern? These questions, and many more will finally be answered!


Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at Wrestling Observer and the world famous Wrestling Enjoyment Index at Figure Four Weekly online~! Don't forget about his Opinion Pieces at World Wrestling Insanity as well. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@wrestlecrap.com

 
 
 
 

Text by Derek Burgan

As the owner of a Shawn Michaels jean jacket, Carnage Crew t-shirt, and the Ultimate Warrior comic book, Derek Burgan is at the forefront of pro-wrestling 'Crap merchandise. Known in some circles as the wrestling version of Steve Irwin, this 'Crap Hunter scours the world with his crack team of experts (including Keith Lipinski and Sean Carless) searching out the best and worst examples of wrestling's past, present, and future. With the introduction of Derek Burgan's The Gimmick Table, all wrestling fans will be able to enjoy all the great items that otherwise may have gone unnoticed!

Phil Brooks (CM Punk), a ring general with a 19-year-old hanger-on, named Boy George (The Miz), is forced to keep his large and dysfunctional family of developmental trainees together after his booker (Jim Cornette) quit Ohio Valley Wrestling due to idiotic interference from their corporate owners. The OVW territory is handed over to Paul Heyman, making each member of the eccentric company panic and placed in an odd gimmick. Phil's main competitors (Ken Doane, Nick Nemeth, Johnny Jeter, Mike Mondo, and Nick Mitchell), find themselves put together as a comedy group of male cheerleaders while OVW's worst talent (Marty Wright) is repackaged as the cartoonish Boogeyman and given more TV time than all the other wrestlers put together. Can this family off misfits become a success in the big time or just end up with matching, crewcuts, megaphones, and trampolines? Critically acclaimed, but watched by few, this is your chance to see what the buzz is about!

It never stops for successful wrestling booker (and unsuccessful businessman) Paul Heyman, whose oddball daily life consists of dealing with former wrestlers he owes money to, WWE management who look down upon him, and the infamous ECW "mole" Tod Gordon among others. Series star and co-creator Heyman once told Entertainment Weekly that Heyman's best episodes emphasize each stars' strengths while hiding their weaknesess. Among the season's most memorable episodes that follow this formula are "The Dynamic Dud," in which the entire OVW territory becomes embroiled in Heyman and John Laurinaitis' senseless arguments; the Emmy-nominated "The Christmas Picture," in which New Jack threatens to sit out an ECW reunion photograph once he learns that Devon Dudley is to be included; and the one in which Heyman discovers that Stephanie McMahon enjoys a good cry during her "Alone Time." Those who remember the hour long match from the Night the Line was Crossed will sympathize with Heyman's desperate attempts to book a show long match between C.M. Punk and Brent Albright on an episode of OVW TV. To quote the old comedy maxim: It's funny because it's true.

Each week viewers see the gritty reality of life in a New York City Police unit as the officers go about their work with a grim determination and an even grimmer downside guarantee. Two partners, Detectives Blue Meanie and Dancin' Stevie Richards are the central characters in this weekly police drama, and they personify very different approaches to their difficult job. Heffron's insatiable appetite (covering an emotional vulnerability and hidden fondness for porn starlets) is tempered by the precise and controlled demeanor of Richards, who is often found playing video games in between getting a confession from a perp.

Jeff Jarrett, a former homicide detective and King of the Mountain, heads a group of undersized investigators who work crimes amid the steamy, tropical surroundings and theme parks of Orlando. His team includes Jackie Gayda, a bisexual Southern beauty with a specialty in blowing spots; AJ Styles, a cocky and homophobic investigator who is well connected on the street; and Christian Cage, a charismatic underwater recovery expert who knows all the twists and turns of the Florida waterways. Rounding out the team is Gail Kim, the no-nonsense, no talent, know-it-all coroner. Together, these investigators collect and analyze the evidence to solve the crimes and to vindicate those who often cannot speak for themselves -- the X-Division.


Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at Wrestling Observer and the world famous Wrestling Enjoyment Index at Figure Four Weekly~!.Don't forget about his Opinion Pieces at World Wrestling Insanity or his stuff at The Wrestling Fan. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@wrestlecrap.com.

 

Text by Derek Burgan

As the owner of a Shawn Michaels jean jacket, Carnage Crew t-shirt, and the Ultimate Warrior comic book, Derek Burgan is at the forefront of pro-wrestling 'Crap merchandise. Known in some circles as the wrestling version of Steve Irwin, this 'Crap Hunter scours the world with his crack team of experts (including Keith Lipinski and Sean Carless) searching out the best and worst examples of wrestling's past, present, and future. With the introduction of Derek Burgan's The Gimmick Table, all wrestling fans will be able to enjoy all the great items that otherwise may have gone unnoticed!


This week's spotlight: Wrestling items for the ladies

STEPHANIE MCMAHON PREGNANCY TEST

You're heard the expression "The B*tch is Back?" Well, what if the b*tch is back and she might be "hit repeatedly with a sledgehammer" (wink, wink) while she was gone? There's only one way to find out and that's with the new Stephanie McMahon Pregnancy Test! As a woman, you need to know if you truly have "a bump" or just suffering the side effects of taking testosterone and HGH. Developed in conjunction with the WWE Talent Wellness Program, the Stephanie McMahon Pregnancy Test offers a quick and easy way for all women on the roster to find out if there will be a new l'il Superstar or Diva in training in their life.

Remember, the sooner you find out there is a bun in the oven the better, 'cause you'll need to start looking for a new job! (The WWE is not a babysitting service and the only babysitting we will do is with the soma'd up maineventers. Just ask Dawn Marie or "False Positive" Jackie Gayda)

TNA LOCKDOWN CHASTITY BELT

We all know how "the boys" can be on the road, don't we! The stories taking place at the Universal Studios backlot and the DoubleTree hotel in Tampa would make even Hugh Hefner blush. Well, if you're the King of the Mountain in your household, then you are going to want some protection for the women in your life. Presenting the TNA LOCKDOWN CHASTITY BELT! Talk about a perfect way to limit the high flying activity of the X-division in your house… this exclusive product from TNA Wrestling offers all women the protection that only the SIX SIDES OF STEEL can provide. You can rest easily knowing that even the main event talent won't be "going over" your significant other with this baby strapped on and you can feel safe that your daughters won't "be pinned" by any jabroni during your absence. Finally have the confidence to give a literal definition to the expression "Slap Nuts" to all the unwanted men hanging around your castle!

SHIMMER BRAND TAMPONS

SHIMMER brand tampons give the comfort and protection every women is looking for, whether they are 16 or 60. These super absorbent tampons are strong style: hard hitting and sexy. Industrial strength… for the entire match. The first great women's promotion deserves the first great women's protection. Perfect for busted noses suffered while taking roaring elbows. That's right, they're 100% Joshi safe!

GIRL SHIRTS

For years the wrestling business has been solely targeting young males, but that stops now with the introduction of a brand new line of t-shirts for the young ladies in the audience.

What little girl doesn't dream of one day growing up, developing an eating disorder, destroying their skin through over-tanning, getting breast enhancements and taking drugs to stay in contest shape all year long to one day achieve their dream of becoming a WWE Diva?


Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at Wrestling Observer and the world famous Wrestling Enjoyment Index at Figure Four Weekly~!.Don't forget about his Opinion Pieces at World Wrestling Insanity or his stuff at The Wrestling Fan. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@wrestlecrap.com

 

 

 

Text by Derek Burgan

As the owner of a Shawn Michaels jean jacket, Carnage Crew t-shirt, and the Ultimate Warrior comic book, Derek Burgan is at the forefront of pro-wrestling 'Crap merchandise. Known in some circles as the wrestling version of Steve Irwin, this 'Crap Hunter scours the world with his crack team of experts (including Keith Lipinski and Sean Carless) searching out the best and worst examples of wrestling's past, present, and future. With the introduction of Derek Burgan's The Gimmick Table, all wrestling fans will be able to enjoy all the great items that otherwise may have gone unnoticed!


This week's spotlight: The WrestleMania XXII DVD

With the current DVD release of WWE's WrestleMania 22 causing all sorts of ire from the fan community thanks to some controversial edits, including the loss of Mickie James doing the universal hand signal for cunnilingus as well as a blown stratusfaction attempt by James. The hardworking Gimmick Table staff has examined the rest of the three disc DVD set and found several other interesting additions that viewers might have missed.

Rey Mysterio winning the title was good. Celebrating with Chavo and Vickie Guerrero was better. WWE went even further and inserted the ghost of Eddie Guerrero into the victory celebration to take the emotion level up a notch. Licensing technology from George Lucas' ILM studios, WWE took a page from the playbook of fan favorite movie Return of the Jedi put Latino Heat onto the main stage of the biggest PPV of the year. Apparently to pay the license fee, WWE also agreed to put the ghost of Anakin Skywalker in as well.

Through the magic of CGI, WWE has added several fan signs that glorify Vince McMahon during his match with Shawn Michaels. There are also "Go, Vince Go!" chants added in post production that were not originally shouted by the live crowd. Those with HDTV will notice down to the smallest pixel that WWE has added coloring to Mr. McMahon's body, making him appear to be the most tanned individual on Earth.

Everyone remembers The Game rising onto the stage in his throne. It seems as though WWE has taken the next step and added the heads of men whose careers Triple H has effectively killed during his reign on top of the company. Randy Orton, Scott Steiner, and Bill Goldberg are three of the recognizable faces seen impaled by the King of Kings and WWE's resident He-Man.

During the Hall of Fame introductions, Bret Hart has been added to the rest of this year's class and Howard Finkle's announcement about Hart being "uncomfortable" has been erased from the master tapes and replaced with "enthusiastic and delightfully thrilled." Surprisingly, the segment cuts immediately to Bret Hart "tapping out" to Shawn Michaels with Vince McMahon yelling "Ring the bell damn it!" from Survivor Series 1997.

Originally announced as the lead Raw announcer for WrestleMania, shortly before the show Joey Styles found out he would be replaced by Jim Ross. Styles was allowed to call the hardcore match between Edge and Mick Foley though. In a make good gesture, Styles has a running Alternate Commentary for WrestleMania 22 DVD that was taped in a local Motel 8 room, far away from WWE's sanctioned Westin hotel.

In a wrestling first, the Playboy pillow fight between Candace Michelle and Torrie Wilson somehow avoided the use of a single actual pillow. Not wanting to be the first promoter in wrestling history to not come through on an advertised stipulation, Vince McMahon had the crack WWE production staff add in pillows throughout the epic women's battle along with gratuitous shots of pillow on skin action!


Special thanks to the Dr. Keith Show's Keith Lipinski and The Wrestling Fan's mad genius Sean Carless for their help with this edition of the Gimmick Table~!

Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at Wrestling Observer and the world famous Wrestling Enjoyment Index at Figure Four Weekly~!.Don't forget about his Opinion Pieces at World Wrestling Insanity or his stuff at The Wrestling Fan. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@wrestlecrap.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).