[The
Following May offend some.]
Before I begin
tonight, I’d just like to say that I am very saddened by the tragedy of what
happened yesterday. Chris Benoit was one of my all time
favorite wrestlers, and his matches were always entertaining to
watch. The reports that have been coming out have no doubt
been shocking and near impossible to comprehend. My column
tonight will serve two purposes: One, to get our site back to
business after a difficult day. Two, as a sort of catharsis
for myself I am not holding back tonight and will be making jokes with no
censoring for good taste. I hope you enjoy it and that you are
offended because Sean would have wanted it that way.
Vince issues a
statement basically relieving WWE from ever associating themselves with Chris
Benoit ever again. Reportedly in all DVD releases they will
blur out his image. I can’t even imagine how they will
re-record the audio for the Wrestlemania XX match. BAH GAWD,
THE BLUR WINS THE TITLE! You know, I actually know the motive
behind the whole incident. He was drafted to ECW, case
closed. Yeah that’s right, I went there.
Tonight the bawdies
do not hit the floor and first we get John Cena? It’s a
Champion vs. Champion Match. We are live from San Antonio,
Texas by the way. Johnny Nitro is on the other end of this
match. Wow talk about overcoming the odds!
WWE Champion John
Cena vs. ECW Champion Johnny Nitro (Speaking of Johns, I Gotta Take a
Dump)
Cena gets a headlock
on Nitro to start off the match in boring fashion. Nitro
breaks free with an elbow to the face and a few punches. Cena
then hits a fisherman’s suplex (sponsored by Mrs. Paul’s) followed by a sidewalk
slam. Nitro kicks out of the pin attempt and ends up gaining
control after Cena misses a flying shoulder block and rolls to the
outside. Nitro throws Cena into the hollow steps.
Back inside, Nitro continues the beat down. After Cena
almost comes back, Nitro delivers a vicious clothesline. The
only reason he didn’t win the match after that is because the clothesline didn’t
have a name. Cena then reverses an Irish whip to the corner
and hits a face buster. Is he going to do the Worm
now? Scotty isn’t around, so someone has to!
Cena then runs after Nitro but he pulls the ropes down and Cena ends up
going over and to the floor as we go to commercial.
Commercial Comment: I fast forwarded through the commercials
so the network didn’t make as much money.
Aaaaaaaaand we’re
back! Nitro has Cena up on the turnbuckle but is pushed off
to the mat. As Cena goes to the top rope, Nitro dropkicks
Cena to the floor. He throws him back and goes for the pin
but Cena OVERCOMES THE ODDS! Nitro continues to punch Cena
but eventually he just shakes it off and gives Nitro a look.
He’s Cena-ing up! Cena hits the Protobomb then the
Five Knuckle Shuffle. He goes for the FU but Nitro manages to
land on his feet then hits a nice springboard flying kick. He
gets a real close two count then hits an atomic drop that really just drops Cena
on his face. Another two count and then locks in a sleeper
hold. Cena backs Nitro into the corner then hits another face
buster. Cena then climbs to the top and hits a guillotine leg
drop followed by the STFU and Nitro taps out.
Winner: John
Cena
Woah it’s “Rowdy”
Roddy Piper! Styles says he is one of the most controversial
superstars of all time. Yeah but did he murder his family?
Kind of makes hitting Snuka with a coconut pale in
comparison, doesn’t it? He starts blabbering about being
hardcore until he gets interrupted by Matt Striker who has a cake because it’s
his birthday. Ugh, his birthday is the same week as
mine? Can I change to October? I predict
bakery hijinx here! He says it would be the greatest gift in
the world if Piper sang Happy Birthday to him. I doubt it’ll
happen because then Vince has to pay for the rights to the song.
Wow OK he is singing it and then throws the cake in his face to which
Styles screams “CAKE FIGHT!” Piper leaves the ring then the
Boogeyman shows up from under the ring. He hits the
Wormanator RIGHT ON THE CAKE! He then spits worms on
him. Note to self, invite Boogeyman to my ex-girlfriend’s
birthday next month.
I just realized they
may have switched the ECW theme to that Puddle of Mudd song
“Famous”. Cameron shares this piece of music history with us,
“Puddle of Mudd sounds like what Drowning Pool would have called themselves as
children”. The Miz is going to invade ECW soon and I’m ready
for a reality check. Please send me a check for one billion
dollars every time he appears on my television. Styles then
interviews Nitro while he is in the back and asks him how losing to Cena earlier
affected his goals. He says he has a cold and competed
anyway. He then randomly loses the cough he
started. So either he’s faking or he just sucks as an
actor. Elijah Burke is out next to face CM Punk in a two out
of three falls match for #1 Contender for the ECW title.
CM
Punk vs. Elijah Burke (Best Two Out of Three Falls
in About 15 Minutes)
After an early
exchange of blows (no snorting or dick sucking involved), Punk hits a pair of
hip tosses. He then hits a body slam and a
dropkick. Burke fights back and throws Punk to the
corner. Punk reverses and slams Burke into the corner then
climbs to the second rope and punches but then gets dropped on the
turnbuckle. Burke sets up for the Elijah Express but Punk
counters with a flying leg lariat and only gets a one count.
He then goes to the top but gets knocked down on his cash and
prizes. While Punk is hanging upside down, Burke hits the
Elijah Express and gets the pin to win the first fall.
Burke goes for a
quick rollup (which usually works in wrestling video games) but only gets
two. Punk gets up and runs at Burke but the ropes get pulled
down and he goes over the top. He comes back inside just
before getting counted out. Burke tries for a suplex but Punk
counters to a roll up for a pin to even the match.
Burke has Punk in a
submission hold that I don’t know the name of but it looks painful.
Punk breaks it with a mule kick. Burke then slams the
back of Punk’s head to the mat then goes for a flying elbow drop but
misses. Punk goes for a small package (sponsored by Fed Ex)
but only gets two. Burke then hits a couple of stiff shots
(sponsored by Jagermeister) and goes to the top but Punk hits a flying kick in
midair. After some punches, he gets the Pepsi One in the
corner then the bulldog and a close two count. Punk ends up
in the corner with Burke and hits a tornado DDT (sponsored by “The Wizard of Oz”
Special Edition DVD). Both men then exchange a series of pins
but neither succeeds. Punk then picks up Burke and hits the
Nyquil and gets the pin.
Winner: CM
Punk
Nitro comes down to
ringside for the necessary staredown as we go off the air.
Extreme Moment of the Night: The Punk-Burke match was
quite good even though for a best of three it seemed a bit
rushed.
Not So Extreme Moment: Cena should not be “overcoming
the odds” on this show.
I’d say check out
Cameron’s column but he didn’t write one. Lazy
bastard! So instead, read the columns that were written
including Joe Merrick doing his best Mick Foley impression and coming out of
retirement to cover Vengeance. Also Catherine and Sixth Child’s regular
columns, Neil pulling double duty (hehe duty) with two recaps.
Read them and laugh until you do something drastic with your
family. What? I mean talking to
them! What did you think I meant? Now hit
my
music! 
ECW: The Next Generation 
