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ECW: The Next Generation
(06/26/07)
 
[The Following May offend some.]
 
Before I begin tonight, I’d just like to say that I am very saddened by the tragedy of what happened yesterday.  Chris Benoit was one of my all time favorite wrestlers, and his matches were always entertaining to watch.  The reports that have been coming out have no doubt been shocking and near impossible to comprehend.  My column tonight will serve two purposes:  One, to get our site back to business after a difficult day.  Two, as a sort of catharsis for myself I am not holding back tonight and will be making jokes with no censoring for good taste.  I hope you enjoy it and that you are offended because Sean would have wanted it that way.
 
Vince issues a statement basically relieving WWE from ever associating themselves with Chris Benoit ever again.  Reportedly in all DVD releases they will blur out his image.  I can’t even imagine how they will re-record the audio for the Wrestlemania XX match.  BAH GAWD, THE BLUR WINS THE TITLE!  You know, I actually know the motive behind the whole incident.  He was drafted to ECW, case closed.  Yeah that’s right, I went there.
 
Tonight the bawdies do not hit the floor and first we get John Cena?  It’s a Champion vs. Champion Match.  We are live from San Antonio, Texas by the way.  Johnny Nitro is on the other end of this match.  Wow talk about overcoming the odds!
 
WWE Champion John Cena vs. ECW Champion Johnny Nitro (Speaking of Johns, I Gotta Take a Dump)
 
Cena gets a headlock on Nitro to start off the match in boring fashion.  Nitro breaks free with an elbow to the face and a few punches.  Cena then hits a fisherman’s suplex (sponsored by Mrs. Paul’s) followed by a sidewalk slam.  Nitro kicks out of the pin attempt and ends up gaining control after Cena misses a flying shoulder block and rolls to the outside.  Nitro throws Cena into the hollow steps.  Back inside, Nitro continues the beat down.  After Cena almost comes back, Nitro delivers a vicious clothesline.  The only reason he didn’t win the match after that is because the clothesline didn’t have a name.  Cena then reverses an Irish whip to the corner and hits a face buster.  Is he going to do the Worm now?  Scotty isn’t around, so someone has to!  Cena then runs after Nitro but he pulls the ropes down and Cena ends up going over and to the floor as we go to commercial.
 
Commercial Comment: I fast forwarded through the commercials so the network didn’t make as much money.
 
Aaaaaaaaand we’re back!  Nitro has Cena up on the turnbuckle but is pushed off to the mat.  As Cena goes to the top rope, Nitro dropkicks Cena to the floor.  He throws him back and goes for the pin but Cena OVERCOMES THE ODDS!  Nitro continues to punch Cena but eventually he just shakes it off and gives Nitro a look.  He’s Cena-ing up!  Cena hits the Protobomb then the Five Knuckle Shuffle.  He goes for the FU but Nitro manages to land on his feet then hits a nice springboard flying kick.  He gets a real close two count then hits an atomic drop that really just drops Cena on his face.  Another two count and then locks in a sleeper hold.  Cena backs Nitro into the corner then hits another face buster.  Cena then climbs to the top and hits a guillotine leg drop followed by the STFU and Nitro taps out.
 
 Winner: John Cena
 
Woah it’s “Rowdy” Roddy Piper!  Styles says he is one of the most controversial superstars of all time.  Yeah but did he murder his family?  Kind of makes hitting Snuka with a coconut pale in comparison, doesn’t it?  He starts blabbering about being hardcore until he gets interrupted by Matt Striker who has a cake because it’s his birthday.  Ugh, his birthday is the same week as mine?  Can I change to October?  I predict bakery hijinx here!  He says it would be the greatest gift in the world if Piper sang Happy Birthday to him.  I doubt it’ll happen because then Vince has to pay for the rights to the song.  Wow OK he is singing it and then throws the cake in his face to which Styles screams “CAKE FIGHT!”  Piper leaves the ring then the Boogeyman shows up from under the ring.  He hits the Wormanator RIGHT ON THE CAKE!  He then spits worms on him.  Note to self, invite Boogeyman to my ex-girlfriend’s birthday next month.
 
I just realized they may have switched the ECW theme to that Puddle of Mudd song “Famous”.  Cameron shares this piece of music history with us, “Puddle of Mudd sounds like what Drowning Pool would have called themselves as children”.  The Miz is going to invade ECW soon and I’m ready for a reality check.  Please send me a check for one billion dollars every time he appears on my television.  Styles then interviews Nitro while he is in the back and asks him how losing to Cena earlier affected his goals.  He says he has a cold and competed anyway.  He then randomly loses the cough he started.  So either he’s faking or he just sucks as an actor.  Elijah Burke is out next to face CM Punk in a two out of three falls match for #1 Contender for the ECW title.
 
CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke (Best Two Out of Three Falls in About 15 Minutes)
 
After an early exchange of blows (no snorting or dick sucking involved), Punk hits a pair of hip tosses.  He then hits a body slam and a dropkick.  Burke fights back and throws Punk to the corner.  Punk reverses and slams Burke into the corner then climbs to the second rope and punches but then gets dropped on the turnbuckle.  Burke sets up for the Elijah Express but Punk counters with a flying leg lariat and only gets a one count.  He then goes to the top but gets knocked down on his cash and prizes.  While Punk is hanging upside down, Burke hits the Elijah Express and gets the pin to win the first fall.
 
Burke goes for a quick rollup (which usually works in wrestling video games) but only gets two.  Punk gets up and runs at Burke but the ropes get pulled down and he goes over the top.  He comes back inside just before getting counted out.  Burke tries for a suplex but Punk counters to a roll up for a pin to even the match.
 
Burke has Punk in a submission hold that I don’t know the name of but it looks painful.  Punk breaks it with a mule kick.  Burke then slams the back of Punk’s head to the mat then goes for a flying elbow drop but misses.  Punk goes for a small package (sponsored by Fed Ex) but only gets two.  Burke then hits a couple of stiff shots (sponsored by Jagermeister) and goes to the top but Punk hits a flying kick in midair.  After some punches, he gets the Pepsi One in the corner then the bulldog and a close two count.  Punk ends up in the corner with Burke and hits a tornado DDT (sponsored by “The Wizard of Oz” Special Edition DVD).  Both men then exchange a series of pins but neither succeeds.  Punk then picks up Burke and hits the Nyquil and gets the pin.
 
Winner: CM Punk
 
Nitro comes down to ringside for the necessary staredown as we go off the air.
 
Extreme Moment of the Night: The Punk-Burke match was quite good even though for a best of three it seemed a bit rushed.
 
Not So Extreme Moment: Cena should not be “overcoming the odds” on this show.
 
I’d say check out Cameron’s column but he didn’t write one.  Lazy bastard!  So instead, read the columns that were written including Joe Merrick doing his best Mick Foley impression and coming out of retirement to cover Vengeance.  Also Catherine and Sixth Child’s regular columns, Neil pulling double duty (hehe duty) with two recaps.  Read them and laugh until you do something drastic with your family.  What?  I mean talking to them!  What did you think I meant?  Now hit my music!

 
 
Gershon Levy is the first and only person to ever to recap ECW on Sci-Fi full time which led to his recent self-admission into an insane asylum. This makes him the only "ECW Original" who is not in danger of losing his job.  Gershon has made numerous appearances on Raw and Smackdown from different parts of the arena, including once a close up for his brilliant sign mocking Chris Jericho stating simply "Fozzy Sucks Wocka Wocka!".  He also is filing a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for not giving Jewish wrestlers a fair chance to succeed.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).