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 October 17, 2004

By Sean Carless

A lot of people don’t know this, but I’m actually a HUGE fan of Star Wars. And hey, I know what you’re thinking: “Star Wars AND Wrestling?”. I know, I know, it is a wonder I’ve ever been laid. And it's even a bigger wonder I ever had the patience to inflate her first.


Anyway, call it nostalgia if you want, but from the first time I saw this saga, I was hooked. This franchise just has a way of capturing your imagination. And a good portion of your money. But hey, sometimes you just gotsta have a giant Darth Vader helmet shaped carrying case, just because. What can I say.

The funny thing about Star Wars though is that it's very polarizing. You either love it or you don’t. And if you’re not sure just which category you fall into, answer me this: If at any point of your adult life you’ve ever simulated the sound effect of a lightsaber, EVER, it means you’re a slave to George Lucas and you might as well admit it.


With that said, I recently purchased the much ballyhooed DVD release of the original trilogy, if only to see for myself "the changes" that so many of the hardcore fans complained about. And now that I have, I can’t say that I’m so much bothered by it, but instead, that I still have some unanswered questions. Looming questions, that many of the hardcore fans still wonder about. Questions like, when did Padme really die? Why does the unmasked Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi look so old when he couldn’t be any older than 45? And why does 2/3rd of their known universe all seem to have fucking thick British accents?


Luckily for me though, in a TWF first, and last, likely, I actually managed to track down famed director/producer George Lucas and conducted the following *Exclusive* interview at his sprawling Skywalker Ranch to hopefully get to the bottom of a few of my queries! But not before he elevated me with the awesome power of the force alone, and spiritually lifted my wallet from my pants pocket.


SC= Sean Carless. GL= George Lucas.


SC: Hello, Mr. Lucas.


GL: Hey there.


SC: First, I have to say that I really enjoyed the Original Trilogy re-release on DVD.


GL: Well, you’ll have to forget all about that.


SC: Pardon me?


GL: Well, it’s not the movie I wanted to release.


SC: What do you mean?


GL: We’ve been working on a new special, special edition. I’ll be re-re-re-releasing the REAL O.T. as I’ve always wanted it made, very soon…


SC: Then why did you release this version?


GL: CHA-CHING! (laughs to himself)




SC: Okay, just for curiosity sake, how is this version different than the version you *ahem* just released?


GL: Well, I want to say that it's better than the earlier ones. I mean, I guess, it's more, if you know what I mean. But better? I mean, who's to say what’s better? But it is definitely more. You should definitely buy it. You know?

SC: That made absolutely no sense.

GL: Which part?

SC: Arghhh.

SC: Okay, why don't you tell us what is DIFFERENT in this "new" re-mastered version?

GL:  Oh, Just about everything. First of all, we’ve replaced the Darth Vader template with…James Earl Jones. Heck, we figured, we spent all this fucking money on just his voice alone,  so why not just have him be Vader? 

SC: You can’t be serious. But Luke Skywalker is white? How could Vader be black?

GL: Well, Padme was really pale…..

SC: Huh?

GL: Come on. It doesn't have to make sense. I mean, no one complained that it only took Luke like maybe a year to become a Jedi Master, when he was pretty much trained only by a ghost, but it took his old man and like every other Jedi fucking 20 years+.

SC: No,  actually, everyone complained.

GL: (while waving his hand in my face) THESE ARE NOT THE PLOT-HOLES YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

SC: What's going on?

GL: Umm, Nothing.

SC: Forget it. We’ll move on. One thing I always wondered and never quite understood was, why did Vader look so old when he was unmasked in Return of the Jedi?

GL: Because the actor who played him was 80 years old. Jesus. A real Brain surgeon over here.

SC: NO, you don’t understand, I meant….

GL: Funny thing. Turns out Sebastian Shaw (the actor who played Vader) is dead and thus I couldn't use him again. It’s a shame, too, because I really wanted him for this. And not just because corpses are kind of ideal at one-take scenes, and don't put up any arguments when you tell them "that was good enough, who cares about the fucking acting and the dialog. Did you see that Speeder bike? Boy was that fast!"... even though, that's kind of the main reason. However, apparently, using a corpse is against S.A.G. regulations or something. I don't see why not. We had the Jabba wranglers all ready to maneuver him and everything. I mean, really, it couldn't look any fucking faker than the Cantina band.

SC: Is there a point to all this?

GL: Sure. Because of all that, I needed an old dude for the re-shot climax, fast, and well, I’m sure the fans will be excited when they finally see "Blue" on the screen.

SC: Oh My God, you don’t mean….

GL: He’s my boy! Hehe. I loved that movie.


SC: But how is that even possible? He’s about a hundred years old, isn’t he?

GL: Age means nothing when you’re strong with the force. Look at Yoda. But not too close. It's probably best you forget he looked more like a giant green testicle in Ep. 1, than the Yoda you remember.

SC: Uh, ya. Anyway, keeping with this topic, how is it that Palpatine/Sidious looks so young in the prequels and so ravaged in the original Trilogy? Does he age as he becomes more permeated in the darkside? Or is it something else? I had this theory that Palpatine was using a clone in the senate all this time, am I right?

GL: Maybeline.

SC: Pardon me?

GL: He also exfoliates a lot.

SC: What the hell are you talking about?

GL: The Emperor was always ashamed of his complexion. He had a bad case of adult acne and it destroyed his self esteem. It probably is what drove him to the darkside in the first place. Yes! I like it! I HAVE to write this shit down, excuse me….

…As I was saying, as he gained more power, he just said fuck it, you know? I’m the most powerful man in the universe, and if the ladies don’t like it they can go straight to Mustafar. Heheh. You know, on the account that Hell and Mustafar are so similar because of the fire and heat.

SC: Ya, I get it. You didn't need to explain it in mind-numbing detail.

GL: Good. I promise I'll never do anything that makes sense again. Ever.

SC: Wait, I didn't mean...

GL: Too late! Haha.

SC: Arggh. Moving on. What other differences can we expect in this, umm, re-re-re-release?

GL: It comes in a big shiny package!

SC: Who cares about that?

GL: You do. (Waves his hand again in my face)

SC: What are you doing?

GL: Umm, making you realize the error of your ways by way of mind manipulation via the living Force? Maybe?

SC: Heh. Why stop there? Why not just choke me out with the Force choke, then?

GL:  Oh, come on. Seriously.That's just make-believe. Idiot.

SC: Oh, dear god. Well, is there anything else different? Something actually worth changing?

GL: Well, the droids are somewhat different. We didn’t want to tinker with them too much, but you’ll notice a difference.

SC: How so?

GL: Well, first of all, R2D2 has been replaced…with a Shop Vac.

SC: What the hell?

GL: Well, it made a lot of sense. In addition to being a lot cheaper, it was VERY practical. While the original was manned by a midget, and had a host of production people making its every move, The Shop Vac just had to be wheeled onto set. Plus it has like four different nozzle attachments! And a wet feature! It came in very handy!

SC: I’m almost afraid to ask, but how so?

GL: Well, Carrie Fisher is quite the little drinker you know, and on a few occasions, let's just say she made a "mess" of the soundstage, and well, with R2 on hand we can clean up just about anything one of her insane benders leave behind! That fucking whore!


SC: Damn, George, I'm starting to see a serious darkside to you here.


GL:  You mean, in the spiritual sense that I'll be corrupted and turned evil to the bewilderment of my fellow knights?


SC: No, I mean in the sense that you're an asshole.


GL: Fair enough.


SC: Um, Okay… moving on...again.. Well, what of C-3PO? Any changes there?


GL: No change. Well, not physically anyway.


SC: What do you mean?


GL: Well, mentally, C-3PO is going to find his true "self" and finally explore his burgeoning homosexual feelings for R2.


SC: Say what now?


GL: Oh, you didn’t know? C3PO is quite the galactic pillow biter.  He speaks a billion languages except one..the language of LOVE. We hope to remedy this.


SC: Oh my God. This keeps getting worse....


SC: Okay, what about the puppets in the movie? Have you altered them in any way, or have you changed them to straight CGI?


GL: Neither. We’ve replaced all the puppets with real people. For example, we’ve decided to completely edit out the cantina band and replace them with Morris Day and The Time. We didn’t even need to pay them. And Morris doesn't even need make-up! It worked out brilliantly. But the music was a little tough to take at times. I mean, what, do they play like just one song or what? What a bunch of hacks.


SC: But, umm, George, so do that Cantina band. They had like 9 years to learn a new fucking song, and they're still playing that same irritating jingle in Jabba's palace.


GL: I have no idea what you're on about.


SC:  *Sigh* Ok, forget it. … back to the main point...No puppets at all then? What about Jabba The Hutt, surely he couldn’t be replaced?


GL: You mean "she".


SC: What?


GL: That's right, and the answer is "yes", she was replaced. You ever watch The View?


SC: Umm, I've seen it….


GL: Well, then you're familiar with Star Jones.


SC: What?!


GL: Yes, Star fit the bill nicely. She had similar proportions to Jabba, and didn't even mind eating slugs out of Mason jars… well, providing they were cooked in butter first…..


SC: Why?!


GL: Well, originally, we were going to use Rosie O'Donnell, but she kept fondling the dancing girls, then eating them.


SC: Enough. I can’t take this anymore. Let’s move on to the present and Episode III.


GL: Yes. We’re looking at a May 2005 release for this one. Should be great.


SC: There certainly is a lot of anticipation for this one. What can we expect in this final chapter?


GL: Well, there’s going to be a lot of surprises! For one, Alec Guinness will be making a very special cameo in the trailer.


SC: Awesome. I heard about this. I think his voice edited into the teaser will be powerful.


GL: NO, you don’t understand he's IN the movie.


SC: But…he's been dead for what, 5 years?!


GL: Haha, try telling Alec that! Man, what a professional. I'm convinced it's all just method. Bar the whole not having a pulse thing. Only like 2 people in the world can do that. But one is dead. I think. Truth is. We'll never know. That's acting!


SC: I think, if you don't mind, I’m just going to change the subject here for the sake of my sanity. Okay, then. Here's a hot button issue amongst the fans. Do we actually witness Padmé die in Episode III? A lot of people feel that she has to be the catalyst for Anakin's turn to the Dark Side. While others relay that Leia mentioned that she remembers her mother from a young age, thus proving that she lived for at least several years past Vader's turn.


GL: Man! What a fucking dork you are! How do you remember all that shit? "Hi, I'm Padme! I'm dying! Please don't turn all Evil, Anakin!". WAIT. Excuse me, I need to jot this down. Forget what I just said. THAT SHIT IS GOLD. Anyway, to answer your question, no, she doesn't die, but she's pretty fucked up.


SC: Nicely put. But how so?


GL: How so?! You try birthing someone (Luke) with that kind of force powers! During delivery, Luke uses the "force push" and pretty much tears her from ass 'til breakfast!….


SC: Damn, George! Is that necessary?


GL:  It looks just like a JEDI's SLEEVE!


SC: That's disgusting.


GL: It's true! We don't even need the Sarlacc. She can just kick off her pants and we'll throw bounty hunters in there! I'm telling you!


SC: Oh my god, George. Seriously. Anyway, keeping with this topic of birth and what not, in Episode 1, it is revealed that Anakin was conceived without a father. Do we ever learn more about this? I always thought it was cool the way you made the correlation between Anakin's origins and the divine conception.


GL:  Divine whatnow? Do you even hear yourself talk? Haha. Anyway, I never meant that Anakin never had a father, it’s quite the opposite, really. You see, Shmi (Anakin’s mother) REALLY got around. It could be ANYONE. She'd do just about anybody! That's why she always looked so disheveled. You try keeping up appearances when every trade-merchant and mercenary from the four known quadrants use your nether-regions as their own personal docking bay. Heck, even Watto tapped that ass!


SC: That’s just terrible.


GL: Well, it’s the truth. What else is there to do out in the desert? I just feel sorry for Cliegg down the road. He had no idea what kind of damaged goods he was buying. One minute you're drinking blue milk and minding your business, and the next your shackled to a Harpy that puts out for all of Mos Eisley.


SC:  Dear, God. Well, time us, who is Anakin’s father then?


GL: Well, since I like you, well, kind of, I’ll tell you…. Jar Jar is the father.


SC: You got to be shitting me.  How is that possible?


GL: Jar Jar is hung like an elephant, that’s how "it’s possible". That's also how he swims so fast. It cuts through the water like a butter-knife through mashed potatoes!


SC: Thanks a lot for that visual.


GL: No problem. And if you think that's something, wait until you see the love scene between Anakin and Padmé! We’re talking hardcore, full frontal here. It's great stuff. That Padmé is a real Bantha in the sack!


SC: Umm, what?


GL: You know, I'm cleverly exchanging the word 'minx' for an animal that ties into my created universe. It's brilliant and creative writing and it took me like only 2 minutes to think up.


SC: (said under my breath) Kind of like the plots of the last two movies...


GL: What was that?


SC: Umm, nothing. You're right. It's awesome and really deep.


GL: You should hear my correlations between love and granules of sand in the desert then! It'd bring a tear to your eye.


SC: Yup. I have no doubt I'd be crying. Destroying my childhood memories will do that.


GL: Say what?


SC: Nothing. umm, your a genius or something.


GL: Thanks!


SC:  No problem. But back to the topic. Is putting such a graphic sex scene in the movie really that necessary?


GL: No, you misunderstand. That part's not going to be in the movie. That was just for me. But don't tell Natalie Portman! Haha. I told her it was an art film called "BLEW HARVEST". Sucker! Literally!  Ahem. Anyway, you see, we actually need to keep a PG-13 rating, so during anything provocative, I'm going to do quick cuts to a light saber comically going back into its holster repeatedly, while we see Jar Jar jump into frame, dance a little bit, and then yell out "Mesa thinks he's gonna cum!" Everyone should have a great laugh. It's comedy, you see.


SC: Jesus!


GL: Yes?


SC: No, I meant, Jesus Christ.


GL: Yes, and I answered you.


SC: Wait. What's going on here?


GL: I have no idea anymore.


SC: That makes two of us. Anyway, back on track;  the big story in this chapter is of course Anakin’s actual metamorphoses into "Darth Vader" both physically and spiritually.


GL: Who says? It's about love, actually. The love that can only happen between a director and a lot of money.


SC: What?


GL:  Umm, I mean, ya, you’ll see how he goes dark side. This I promise.


SC: And how does that happen? Is he tricked by Palpatine? Does he feel betrayed by Obi Wan?


GL: It’s the dental plan, actually.


SC: What?


GL: Listen. The Dude fell into some fucking "Lava". The Darkside has full medical coverage, the Jedi’s don’t. It’s pretty cut and dry.


SC: That’s the dumbest thing I've ever heard.


GL: Well, what can you do? It's my vision. And in my vision, Vader has the good sense to go for full benefits. Plus, the Darkside gave him a far better financial portfolio. He sunk a shitload of imperial credits into Death Star Stock, and well, I don't think I need to tell you that paid dividends for about two decades.


SC: Yeah. Okay. Well, what about Samuel L. Jackson? How does he buy it in this movie?


GL: Well, as it turns out, the day Anakin begins hunting down Jedi, Mace Windu has a real spiritual conflict. He decides this is his last job, and he's getting out of the killing racket altogether. Then he gets held up by amateur thieves in a diner....


SC: Wait. That sounds really familiar....


GL: And ya, there's this really hilarious part where he's arguing with Yoda.


Yoda: "Going to Dagobah, I must."


Mace: "Say Dagobah again, Motherfucker! I dare you! I double dog dare you!"


Yoda: "Dagobah my saying?"


Mace: "Do they speak English on Dagobah?"


Yoda: "umm, actually they don't speak any language, because I'll be there in complete solitary loneliness, you know, so the Darkside can't track me down."


Mace: "Wait. Aren't you s'pose to talk that backwards shit?"


Yoda: "Holy shit, you're right. Ahem. Going to Dagobah, I am!"




GL: This carries on for like 35 minutes. It's tremendous writing. We're hearing Oscar buzz already.


SC: Really? How's that possible?


GL: No, I mean, Frank Oz, who plays Yoda. He's also Oscar on Sesame Street. He really liked it.


SC: Holy shit, I think we should wrap this up. Tell us, what’s on tap for George Lucas next?


GL: Well, I’m actually going to be filming another prequel….


SC: ANOTHER prequel?


GL: Yes. With the success we anticipate with Episode III, we’ve decided to film a mini-sequel that will bridge the gap between Episodes 3 and 4. It’s called: "Star Wars: Episode 3 ˝ : Again with The Jedis!?".  It'll basically be a teenaged Luke shooting Womp rats for 2 hours. You'll buy it and love it. And buy it.


SC: You said that part already.


GL: No, I mean it. You'll be buying it twice. I plan on re-releasing it about 2 more times before 2008.


SC: Let's end this already. Dear god. Have you ever thought about breaking away from Star Wars altogether? Maybe trying your hand at another genre? You know, so you're not pigeon-holed as a one-trick-pony?


GL: Funny you should mention that. I *do* have something else on the horizon.


SC: Oh yeah? Great! Tell us!


GL: Well, it’s a sweeping saga, kind of in the mold of the 1930’s serials; it'll see a young wide-eyed farm-boy plucked from his boring existence and thrust into the middle of a full scale rebellion against an oppressive dictatorship! He'll have a wise mentor and in the end he'll learn of the deep dark secret of his parentage!… It should really be something!


SC: Umm, George?….


GL: Yes?


SC: Forget it. We're done.


GL: (Waving his hand again). Leave your wallet on the side table on your way out...


SC: George. It won't work.


GL: You sure?


SC: I'm pretty sure.


GL: Shit.


I'm Sean.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).