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Dave Gagnon's OWNED!

Dave Gagnon

Wednesday February 22, 2006 12:00AM

TRUE STORY:
MATT HARDY'S QUEST

This happened a few days before No Way Out 2006…

M.Hardy: Yeah so like I was saying, I need a partner for sunday against MNM and I thought you'de be a good choice.

Tatanka: ME? You're kidding, right?

M.Hardy: No man, you've beaten them all: Ludvig Borga, Kwang, Nikolai Volkoff…

Tatanka: Yeah but…

M.Hardy: You defeated GIANT GONZALEZ!

Tatanka: By countout!

M.Hardy: Remember that time when IRS stole your feathers and beat the shit out of Jay Strongbow?

Tatanka: Uh, yeah.

M.Hardy: That was AWESOME.

Tatanka: Look, why don't you pick your brother?

Jeff Hardy: yeh matt, wtf?? it would be da bomb!!!!!!1 we could get rats after the match

M. Hardy: I have a girlfriend.

J.Hardy: i never said that they were girlz lolz

M.Hardy: Please do me this favour, Tatanka. I've asked everybody! I've asked Adam Bomb, Big Bully Busick, The Berzerker…I even asked this guy.

Jimmy Snuka: SUPERFLYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Tatanka: Why would you wrestle at this age?

J. Snuka: Cocaine isn't getting cheaper…SUPERFLYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

Tatanka: I don't know Matt, you would be better off with somebody else.

M.Hardy: Don't say that! It's not because you are overweight and that you were past your prime by 1994 that you are a bad choice!

Tatanka: Okay, you got it.

(Matt Hardy's cell phone rings)

M.Hardy: Hello? Hey Christian, what's up? Congrats on your NWA world title win….What am I doing these days? I'm teaming with TATANKA!! ……….hello?

The End

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).