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Dave Gagnon's OWNED!

Dave Gagnon
 
 

Friday, December 10, 2004 11:00PM

Editor's Note: The Following appeared last June following JBL's controversial "Goose stepping" on a WWE tour of Germany.

All Apologies...by Bradshaw


(Disclaimer: This is a parody of Bradshaw’s recent behavior)

In light of the controversy surrounding Bradshaw’s actions in Munich, Dave Gagnon and the entire team of Canadian Rants (that’s me and my new intern, Mike “The Bumbling Moose” Zalasky) decided to give the chance to the no.1 contender for the WWE Title to explain himself. Here’s the transcript...

From the desk of John Bradshaw Layfield...

My fellow americans,

It’s time, now more than ever, to get rid of everybody who dare question our great leader, Mr. George W. Bush. We may have found no weapons of mass destruction yet but it’s no reason to not turn Iraq into a parking lot anyway. We must continue to attack Iraq and any other country that might, who knows, maybe, let’s call it a long shot, have terrorist groups ready to invade our great country or any others that might have helped us in the past (that’s right, fuck you France!).

Oops. That’s my speech for the next Replubican Party pep rally. My bad.

Dear fat geeky fans,

Today, the man writing this column has been humbled. They say that it takes a great man to admit his mistakes. Even though this saying is true, I’ll admit my mistakes today.

As you may know by now, I did the Hitler salute during a WWE house show in Germany. You already know it because you’re a loser, without a date, who read it this weekend, while I was having sex with lots and lots of large breasted women.

I would like to apologize to the great people of Germany for my actions. I guarantee you that if I knew that doing the Hitler salute was illegal, I would have found another way to embarass the company that have paid me good money for several years, humiliate your country’s heritage and piss off our fans away from our product. It was a bad idea and I apologize. The next time, I’ll be reasonable and will only allow myself to piss on your flag.

I’d like to add that I have absolutely nothing against the Jewish community. I admire their firm control of all media. I also accept the fact they have all the money. Hey, I also enjoyed “The Passion Of The Christ”! The Bible is, without a doubt, one of the most entertaining book of fiction that I have ever read.

I’d like to think that I still have the support of all the great WWE fans who, a couple of months ago, gave me their vote of confidence. I heard your message loud and clear: You are tired of seeing your favorite brand led by a hispanic and you believe that my rugged good looks, natural charisma and almost God-like wrestling ability is exactly what this company needs. The increasing ratings prove that. The increasing buyrates prove that. And the overwhelming sales of the JBL bobblehead prove that. Don’t you worry, I’ll remain on top.

We, together, made The New Blackjacks the most prolific tag team since the heyday of Well Dunn and The Ding Dongs. We, together, sold out arenas all around the world with my Yapapai Strap Matches against Savio Vega. We, together, made the name “Zebekiah” fashionnable again. We, together, proved them wrong when they said that a APA brawl with The Easter Bunny wouldn’t be a 5 star match. And yes, we, together, made Judgment Day the most succesful PPV ever held in the 3rd week of May in 2004. We can be proud of what we’ve done.

And don’t worry, despite this, as smelly french people would say, “faux pas”, I’ll still be here, entertaining the masses. I’ll headline the Great American Bash with a bullrope match. Please, don’t call your PPV provider right now, finish reading my letter first.

I’ll also continue to contribute to the backdoor section of wwe.com. Let me take this opportunity to remind you that even though I am part of the “Backdoor”, I am not a homosexual or, as they like to be called, a “faggot”. It’s 2004 and I don’t judge these people. If they want to rot in hell and make God cry, they are more than welcomed to do it.

To end on a lighter note, here’s an excerpt of my upcoming book “Hazing by dummies...for dummies”.

“ The next time you strap a wrestler to a chair, don’t prentend that you will rape him. Instead, force him to read Seth Monroe’s blog. Not only the rookie will be acquainted with a guy as bright as I am, he’ll also vote for Bush at the next election. After that, we suggest that you threaten to rape him. You can aslo handcuff him in the shower and tell Sylvain Grenier that the guy in the shower is the new booker. It worked with Patterson, it will work with him. Finally, tell him that HHH wants to be referred as “Terra Ryzing”. You’ll get a kick out of it when you’ll see the poor guy tapping out to an armbar by Steven Richards on Heat”.

My friends, I hope that you’ll find in your heart to forgive me. I am just an honest american like you. The only difference is that I have a huge wang and get much more pussy than you.

God Bless America!

Your (only) friend,
John Bradshaw Layfield

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).