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Dave Gagnon's OWNED!

Dave Gagnon
 

Friday, November 26, 2004 12:00AM

BOB HOLLY'S FIGHT CLUB
 
The following preview has been approved for all audiences...

Bob Holly: You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O'Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth, BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose a match, win a match. This is your push, and it's ending one minute at a time. You wake up at Air Harbor International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?

Or worse...could you wake up in TNA?

---

This winter, a grumpy old veteran will take the world by storm...

Bob Holly: Listen up, Matt Cappotelli. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Matt Cappotelli: What's "decaying organic matter" means, sir?

Bob Holly: It means that your mother is a whore, Matt. Taste this fist!

---

He will form a club...

Bob Holly: People...the first rule of Fight Club is to not talk...about Spark Plugg Holly. The second rule of Fight Club is...

JBL: We can soap the rookie's ass!

*silence*

Bob Holly: I am hardcore but I don't swing that way bro. Anyway...The second rule of Fight Club is - you DO NOT talk about The New Midnight Express. Third rule of Fight Club, someone yells "Stop!", goes limp, taps out, the fight is over...unless he's rookie who didn't paid his dues. Fourth rule, only two guys to a fight, the triple threat match is SO 1997. Fifth rule, one fight at a time, fellas. Sixth rule, no shirt...

JBL: WHOO-HOO!

Bob Holly: That's it pal, you're out of here.

---
 
Rene Dupree's life will change forever, the day he meets the mysterious Bob Holly...

Bob Holly: Did you know that if you mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm?

Rene Dupree: No, I did not know that; is that true?

Bob Holly: That's right... One could make all kinds of explosives, using simple household items.

Rene Dupree: Really... ?

Bob Holly: Did you know Sylvain Grenier got his job by giving Patterson a blowjob?

Rene Dupree: No way! Parbleu! I teamed with a homo!

---

Dupree is willing to sacrifice his body for this man...

[while burning Dupree's hand with lye]

Bob Holly: Shut up! Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about Vince McMahon?

Rene Dupree: No, no, I... don't...

Bob Holly: Listen to me! You have to consider the possibility that Vince does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen.

Rene Dupree: It isn't?

Bob Holly: No! You can be in a team with Billy Gunn. You don't want that, believe me.

---

Bob Holly wants to lead a revolution

Bob Holly: Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest wrestlers who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation jobbing on Velocity, jurking the curtain; slaves with bald spots. Advertising has us woking in the midcard, doing jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no title shots. No Solid Storyline. Our Great Feud is a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be world champions, and movie gods, and the next HHHs of this world. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

--- They will fight, all over the world, in crummy bars and abandonned warehouses, your typical WWE house show basically.

Bob Holly: I wanted to destroy something beautiful....and Rene Dupree was a perfect fit. He's so dreamy.

---
 
They will lead a team of rebels towards world domination

Rene Dupree: You killed Carlito!

Kenzo Suzuki: His name is Carlito Carribean Cool!

Paul London: His name is Carlito Carribean Cool!

Funaki: His name is Carlito Carribean Cool!

Orlando Jordan: His name is Carlito Carribean Cool!

Everybody: HIS NAME IS CARLITO CARRIBEAN COOL!

Chavo Guerrero: Wait a minute...his name is Carlito Carribean Cool? That's the best they could come with?

Rene Dupree: Chavo, that's ok...

Chavo Guerrero: No but think about it...what's wrong with Carly Colon?...

Rene Dupree: Please Chavo...

Chavo Guerrero: ...I'm just saying it's a stupid name...

*somebody shoots Chavo*

Doug Basham: His name is Chavo Guerrero!

Everybody: SHUT UP!

---

This winter, see the movie that everybody is talking about...

Starring...

Bob Holly

"You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the rats you fuck. You're not your shitty entrance theme played by Saliva. You're not your fucking purple tights. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. Scott Keith said so."

Rene Dupree

"A guy who came to Fight Club for the first time, his ass was a wad of cookie dough. After a few weeks, he was carved out of wood. Then when JBL got his way, his ass was a wad of cookie dough again".

Lita

"The last time I was fucked so hard, I was in grade school.. Rob Feinstein thought I was a boy".

And Jimmy Superfly Snuka

"SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPERFLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

WWE FILMS PRESENTS

FIGHT CLUB!

And if you like it, maybe go see "Eye Scream Man" too. Please?

Gags

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).