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Dave Gagnon's OWNED!

Dave Gagnon
 

Saturday, October 23, 2004 6:00PM

Editor's Note: This column is dedicated to the Boston Red Sox for finally making me proud after so many years. I also dedicated my beard to Johnny Damon.

Uncle Gene Wants You!Snitsky For President!

The following is a paid advertisement by the friends and supporters of Gene Snitsky.

In the year 2004, vote for a man of conviction! Vote for a man with ideas! And if you don't want to do that, vote for Gene Snitsky!

This great man campaigned all over the country, shaking hands, killing babies...err...KISSING babies, to convince you, the voter, to vote for him.

Snitskymania has invaded America. After appearing on CNN Crossfire, the journalists all over America were unanimous: it was a slow news day!

Gene Snitsky was so impressive, George W. Bush decided to give him his place as leader of the Republican Party.

Bush: '' I talked with Snitsky for several hours. He came off as a big goof, without any ideas, who could be a danger for America. For that, I think he is a perfect fit for the Republican Party''.

---

Snitsky on healthcare...

'' I know that a lot of citizens are dealing with diseases and injuries but they are not telling their boss, in fear of losing their job, thus their income. With me as President, as soon as you'll get an injury, we'll do an injury angle at your office, allowing yourself to recuperate while getting paid. Let's say that you work for General Motors and injured your back at work, we'll gladly send Carlito Carribean Cool to piledrive you through a table and spit chewed bits of apple in your wife's face''.

Snitsky on abortion...

''I know that abortion is expensive. That's why I am willing to fall on top of pregnant women, just like I did with Lita. Hell, I'll fall on you even if you're not pregnant. Snitsky needs some lovin' too! Let's just say that since a couple of years, my little Snitsky is like the ratings for RAW: it rarely goes up''.

Snitsky on Iraq...

''Give me a lead pipe and I'll get rid of those terrorists. If it doesn't work, we'll do a RAW in Iraq and I'll wrestle Tyson Tomko. They'll get the fuck out of there immediately''.

---

Snitsky won't be afraid to answer the tough questions when he'll be President...

''Mr Snitsky, since you're President, the employment rate has gone down 15%. How do you explain that?''

'' IT'S. NOT. MY. FAULT!''

*the crowd erupts in laughter*

---

Some hippies will tell you that Gene Snitsky has a troubling past. They'll tell you that he's a violent individual that caused the death of an unborn child. Like this guy...

Jim Ross: SNITSKY, the hemorrhoid on the face of life...that animal! The no-good son of a bitch! I feel bad for Kane even though he tried to burn me alive last year! ONE DAY....by gawd, Kane will stomp a mudhole in his ass like a government mule and walking it dry like a two dollar steak of a sloberknocker of a jezebel in what it is the most emotional night in my entire career!

Sure, you COULD listen to Jim Ross...but he called Chris Benoit ''Chris Jericho'' last week on RAW so why would you do that? Instead, listen to people who support Snitsky like WWE Hall Of Famer ''Superfly'' Jimmy Snuka!

Journalist: So, you support Gene Snitsky?

Snuka: SUUUUUUUUUUPERFLYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Journalist: ...

Snuka: ...

Journalist: ...

Snuka: ...

Journalist: Could you elaborate?

Snuka: So he killed an unborn child. So what? Everybody can make mistakes. Somebody had a DUI. Somebody else robbed a bank. Somebody else, let's call him Johnny Snuka, killed his girlfriend while he was under the influence of cocaine but thankfully he never got arrested just like that guy who killed Bruiser Brody! Everybody make mistakes!

Snuka is right. Everybody is entitled to make mistakes! Just like that time Sean Carless was caught dressed as a penguin, trying to pick up grannies at the bowling alley (oh...you didn't know that?....fuck...err...I meant RICK SCAIA! yeah, by typing ''Sean Carless'', I meant ''Rick Scaia'' ).

So in 2004, vote for Snitsky. And remember, if he cheats to win the election...

IT.WASN'T.HIS.FAULT!

Gags

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).