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Dave Gagnon's OWNED!

Dave Gagnon
 

Friday, August 27, 2004 6:00PM
Editor's Note: TNA has now a cable deal and will shortly switch to monthly PPVs. Things are looking good for Jeff Jarrett and Co. But it was an entirely different situation earlier this year. Let's look at a column originally posted the week before WMXX, when TNA was much different.

TNA WAR ROOM

In the TNA Warroom...

Jeff Jarrett: First of all, good news: We may have reached a TV deal with WGN and our first 3-hour PPV will talke place in mid-avril.

Mike Tenay: You mean it this time?

Jeff Jarrett: Yeah. Ok guys, I know we are not doing very good right now. We need solutions to improve our product. Any suggestions?

Mike Tenay: Yeah, I have one, how about...

Jeff Jarrett: Let me remind you that if someone suggest "a new champion", that person will be fired.

Bob Ryder: And he'll become the Velocity recapper for 1wrestling.

Mike Tenay: ....hum, nevermind.

Bob Ryder: For the record, I agree with all the ideas from Jeff Jarrett.

Vince Russo: And mine too?

Bob Ryder: Are you my boss?

Vince Russo: Kinda.

Bob Ryder: So I love all your ideas too! RAW was *not* porn! It was a symbol, not a cross!

Vince Russo: Hey! I swerved everyone and I admitted that it was a cross!

Bob Ryder: So it was a cross, not a symbol! I never thought sucking up could be so difficult.

Teddy Hart: You wanna fight Ryder, huh!? Let's go! Me and you! Right now! Come on punk! Want me to do backflips?

Scott Hudson: Guys, I have something. I have to admit that I am not exactly the most charismatic announcer in the business.

Jeff Jarrett: No kidding, we almost replaced you with Lee Marshall.

Scott Hudson: Anyway, I bought a book called "Stand-up comedy for dummies". I wrote some great material, listen to this...ahem...Stop me if you heard this one before: A priest, a rabbi and Michael Jackson are in a bar. The priest say: I'd give you a ride but I'm all out of screwdrivers! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

*silence in the room*

Jeff Jarrett: I just learned that negotiations with WGN are over and that our PPV is postponed. So we'll try to have a deal with Fox Sports and our PPV will take place in mid-may. Speaking of the PPV, Dutch Mantel, did you call Kevin Nash?

Dutch Mantel: Yeah I did. He wants more money to get injured in our ring.

Jeff Jarrett: Scott Hall?

Dutch Mantel: Yeah and I have this message from him: Hey you *burp* survey time...did you call for Razor Ramon or for the baaaaaaad guys...I love you man, I am not saying that because I'm drunk, nah man.....you are special....you are MY BEST friend". Then, he barfed.

Jeff Jarrett: Does that mean he'll wrestle for us?

Dutch Mantel: Highly unlikely.

Jeff Jarrett: Thank God Randy Savage showed up.

Randy Savage: Yo yo yo, this is for the homies who are into Macho Madness, booooyee! I know that TNA is da shitzit with style but the M to the A the C to the H to the OOOOOOO! man, don't think that it is his flava, you dig?

Jeff Jarrett: What happened to you Randy?

Randy Savage: Yo yo yo, don't diss me, bro. Just sayin' just sayin' that R-Shizzle Fizzle needs the bling-bling to do his thing.

Jeff Jarrett: So it's about money?

Randy Savage: Fo' Sho'..FOOL!

Jeff Jarrett: I just learned that things didn't work out with Fox Sports. So we'll try to have a deal with the Life Network and our big PPV will take place in 2005. One thing is for sure though, we need to find more money.

Don West: HEY GUYS! I COULD SELL SOME BASEBALL CARDS FROM MY PERSONAL COLLECTION!

Jeff Jarrett: Why do you scream all the time Don?

Don West: IT'S A DISEASE, I CANNOT CONTROL MY VOICE!

Jeff Jarrett: Ok, I'm sorry. Don West: SUCKER! HE FELL FOR THAT.

Jeff Jarrett: I heard you.

Don West: OH NO. I REALLY HAVE THE DISEASE. I CAN'T WHISPER OR EVEN TALK IN MY HEAD.

Vince Russo: So, guys, now that I found God...

Don West: YEAH, BULLSHIT!.....OH DAMN!

Vince Russo: ...and that I am willing to give the young wrestlers a chance...

Don West: PFFFT, LYING SACK OF SHIT.......OH NO!

Vince Russo: ...I was thinking...

Don West: YOU WERE THINKING HOW I HAD SEX WITH YOUR WIFE LAST NIGHT....DAMN! GUYS, I HAVE GOTTA GO.....STUPID DISEASE.

*Don West walks off*

Vince Russo: Anyway, I think that we should try to work with other wrestling promotions, just like we are doing with AAA. I emailed every promotions but thus far only Ring Of Honor emailed me back.

Jeff Jarrett: So?

Vince Russo: They answered "u r hot. got more pix lol ?".

Hulk Hogan: Hey brothers!

Jeff Jarrett: Hulk! Finally! We thought you'd never come back.

Hulk Hogan: Let me tell you something, brother. Now that The Hulkster is sure that he won't perform at WrestleMania XX, he can work with you.

Jeff Jarrett: That's great to hear.

Hulk Hogan: However, I have some demands. Here's the list...

1- I want to be paid more in a night than Raven is paid for a whole year.
2- I want AJ Styles to be fired, I don't want him to upstage me.
3- I want you to hire my friend Jim Duggan and give him the X Title.
4- I want to pin Sabin because he is small so he can't draw.
5- I want the promotion to be renamed "Total Non-Stop Hogan, Dude!".
6- I want you to hire my friend Honky Tonk Man and make him the director of authority
7- I want to become the mayor of Nashville.
8- I want Nashville to be renamed "HulkRulesVille, Dude!".
9- I want the planet Mars as a signing bonus.
10- I want Russo to be killed and buried. Then I want to bomb his casket, just in case.

Jeff Jarrett: Well, I am sure that there's one we could do.

Vince Russo: Don't turn on me, you can't swerve the swerve king.

Hulk Hogan: I also want Brutus Beefcake to be hired and give him...hum...a big supply of "anthrax".

HHH: Hey guys.

Jeff Jarrett: Wait a minute. What are you doing here, HHH?

HHH: Sorry to break the fourth wall but this is a parody in a wrestling website and not real life.

Jeff Jarrett: Wow.

HHH: Yeah and there's a rule saying that you can't have a parody on a wrestling website without HHH jokes. I am sorry, that's the law. So do something! Call me fat.

Mike Tenay: But you are not fat.

HHH: Have you read the feedback section at PWTorch lately? Ok so don't you think I have a big nose?

Jeff Jarrett: Yeah but that would be childish to mock you for that.

Mike Tenay: Isn't there a rule to have a Pro-Benoit comment in every column?

HHH: Pffft, Benoit can't draw hits. Sure he can wrestle, but can he sing?

If I may...

And now, WrestleMania is here
And I know I won't jerk the curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I won't lost to Benoit, that's bull
I traveled each and ev'ry highway
And more, much more than this, I'll win it my way

Losses, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each burials of midcarders, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I wrestled injured and I had it my way

Chris Benoit, losing, you know how it feels
Next sunday, there's no hope for HBK
The record shows the title always come my way!

Yes, a sledgehamer and a pedigree......that's MYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!

Pat McNeil: It sucked

Jeff Jarrett: Ok, the meeting is over. By the way, we are in negotiations with the weather channel and our big PPV will finally take place in the year 2525.

Zager And Evans: In the year 2525...

Jeff Jarrett: Shut up guys. No more songs for today.

---

Aftermath: HHH lost, TNA is getting better and my computer sucks. That's why you get a second teaser instead of a column. Sorry.

Gags

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).