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Dave Gagnon's OWNED!

Dave Gagnon
 

Wednesday, August 12, 2004 12:00AM
The Following is a parody interview with Vince Russo after his Bash at the Beach 2000 "shoot" on Hulk Hogan;

Vince Russo "Shoot" Interview!
 
Okay, here's the interview conducted with Vince Russo.

Tony Schiavone: Before we start this SHOOT interview, let me remind the viewers that it's a no holds barred SHOOT interview with nothing scripted and all the tough questions asked. Isn't that right Vince?

Vince Russo: Let's face it, three months, my first time here, I take the rating from a 2.8 to a 3.4, in three months, I was getting a 3.4, and the next thing I know, I'm sitting at home watching Sigmund and the Sea Monsters with my daughter.

Tony Schiavone (mumbling): No stupid, you say that later!

Vince Russo (mumbling): Sorry man, I should have used cue cards. Tony Schiavone: Vince Russo, now that we have the "ok" from the WCW excecutives, we can finally hear your side of the story. The question on everybody's mind Vince is "What happened at Bash At The Beach"?

Russo: Well, Tony, you know we are doing this interview over because you know I said some things on Thunder that I couldn't say, and I can't say them again. They told me that I couldn't say that I think that Hulk Hogan is a jackass and I will respect that. I'll never say that Hogan is a jackass....Hogan is a jackass? No...I can't say that, so I won't. But I will say this: I like to be honest with the fans. That's why my swerves always work so well. Remember when Torrie turned on Bagwell even though they were never together in the first place? I always speak my mind, and you know that about me, but this is an instance where I can't. But there will come a time and a place when I will tell the entire story about what happened at Bash at the Beach, but unfortunately, that can't be tonight.....but maybe at the next NITRO!!!! Or the PPV! YEAH, BUY THE PPV! Maybe I'll do it! Memo to myself: the suckers will fall for that.

Schiavone: I don't think you should have said that out loud.

Russo: Oh, grow up Tony! That's a swerve! The fans think that I hate them so it will be a huge swerve when I'll turn face! And it's a good way to get a better buy rate. The good ol' "Bullshit Sell". Always works. Like that "Huge Surprise" two months ago.

Schiavone: Don't you think that you are saying too much?

Russo: You want to know what is saying too much? Here's the results of the next PPV: Booker T d. Jeff Jarrett by pinfall, 12:05. Scott Steiner d. Kevin Nash and Goldberg when I double-cross Goldberg, 16:02. Sting d. The Dem..

Schiavone: Shut up! You're spoiling the entire PPV.

Russo: I can even spoil your next question....Vince, why did you leave the WWF for the WCW?

Schiavone: Well, Tony, there are a lot of reasons, but I think the main reason was because it was a great, great challenge. I mean, in the WWF I was writing the television, the ratings were 6.9, 7.0, and at that point I felt the WWF had really peaked.

Russo: Hey, that was my scripted answer!

Schiavone: See, I can shoot too.

Russo: Don't screw with me Tony. You don't know what I booked for this shoot interview.

(A piano falls but Tony ducks it)

Russo: What the hell? You were supposed to get squash by the piano!

Schiavone: Give me a break Vince! You're the one who booked this swerve.

Russo: HAHAHAHA! We just turned on everybody!

Schiavone: What a swerve!

(Russo then grab Schiavone's butt and kiss him on the mouth. Sex=Ratings!)

Russo: I love you Tony. You turn me on. I want you to have my children, give me a hug!

(Russo is about to hug Schiavone but turns his hug into a powerbomb. What a swerve!)

Schiavone: You pig! I can't believe you did that....to your son.

(Dramatic Pause)

Russo: You're my son?

Schiavone: Yes....dad.

Russo: It's....it's....it's impossible! Schiavone: I am your son...now I am a Jedi, and you're in the Empire. But I love you dad.

Russo (talking to himself): Hahaha...it was MY idea! I can't believe those internet reporters claiming that I steal my idea from others.

(Russo goes for an emotional hug but Schiavone hit him with a sledgehammer. What a swerve!)

Schiavone: Gee, don't you think that we are going a bit too fast here?

Russo: Crash TV Rulz Baby!

Schiavone: I heard that you are uncomfortable in front of the camera. Could you shed some light on this situation?

Russo: It's true. I want to let the spotlight to the boys. You know, it's not because I won every match that I wrestled that you can say that I am comfortable in front of the camera. It's not because I shaved the hair of possibly the greatest wrestler of all time that it means that I feel at ease as a wrestling character. All these things were very hard for me to do and I wish to never return in the ring.

Schiavone: What do y....

Russo: EXCEPT FOR THAT NO-GOOD JOHN ROCKER! JOHN ROCKER, I WANT YOU IN THE RING! I WILL BREAK YOUR NECK, RIP YOUR HEART OUT AT....STARRCADE 2000! LIVE FROM THE NASSAU COLISEUM ON PAAAAAAAY PEEEEER VIEEEEEEW....SEE THE HOMETOWN HERO, THE MAN WHO MADE WRESTLING, VINCE "THE MESSIAH" RUSSO AGAINST "THE ATLANTA ANTICHRIST" JOHN ROCKER ON W...C...W STAAAAAARRCADE. ONLY ON PAY PER VIEW, CALL YOUR CABLE COMPANY NOOOOOW!!!!!!

Schiavone: Yeah, it's true that you look uncomfortable in front of the camera. But, you still got involved in the major angles. Some people on the internet, except 1wrestling (for some reason), even said that you kept all the best angles for yourself.

Russo:I was so bitter with what happened and sitting home for three months, and when I came back, I came back with a vengeance, and when I came back, I came back really willing to do anything I could possibly do for this company.if it meant climbing to the top of a steel cage with Ric Flair, then so be it. If it meant humiliating Ric Flair, so be it. If it meant acting like a mark for myself and drag down a legend and the most loyal wrestler in the company, so be it. I did what I had to do, and I felt if me being in front of the camera was gonna help this company out, then I would do it. And it would get me chicks too! Chicks dig the evil bosses in wrestling.

Schiavone: In all fairness, you stole the spotlight for a while.

Russo: YOU'RE BIASED! YOU'RE ON THE WWF PAYROLL!

Schiavone: You're my boss for crying out loud! And you're my dad. Russo: C'mon Tony. You know my storylines don't last long. The dad angle is yesterday's news.

Schiavone: Well, now my feelings are hurt. Anything else you want to add before we wrap this up? Russo: Yeah....Goldberg is a prick and will be released after I double-cross him at the PPV...I am Kevin Nash's bitch...Scott Steiner could kill my daughter and he'd still have the biggest push in the company...Wrestling is fake, fake, fake...and Hogan is a jackass!

Schiavone: Oh...you'll pay in court for this.

Russo: It's an angle anyway.

Schiavone: It is?

Russo: Maybe...maybe not. I don't even remember. I am confusing myself sometimes. I am swerving myself! Wow! Am I the man or what?

Schiavone: Thanks for your time Vince.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).