We have pyro! We have ballyhoo! And we have...
JOHN MORRISON & THE MIZ (c)vs. OBSCURE EDGEHEADS vs. JESSE & FESTUS vs. FINLAY & HORNSWOGGLE for the WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
The bell rings and Festus emotes rage! Miz and Morrison toss Hornswoggle into the ring to fight Festus. Hornswoggle rolls his dirty sleeves up and goes after Miz and Morrison. Festus beats on Miz and tags Jesse in. I now understand why color commentary is necessary; who the hell can call this giant clusterfuck? Morrison and Finlay are the legal men, with Morrison having the upper hand on Finlay. Finlay slaps Morrison's face, and Morrison tags Miz in. Miz catapults Finlay into Morrison's fist. Zack Ryder tags himself in and goes after Finlay with some kind of headlock before Finlay reaches the ropes and wails on both Edgeheads. Finlay goes for the pin on Ryder, but Hawkins breaks it up. We get a shillelagh shot, which Mick Foley proceeds to say three times fast. In the ring now are Hornswoggle looking like a fucking pumpkin with his orange and green clothes and Hawkins. In the time it took to type that sentence, Festus is in the ring tossing just about everyone around. One of the Edgeheads somehow gets the pin on Jesse.
WINNERS and NEW~! WWE Tag Team Champions: OBSCURE EDGEHEADS
Needless to say, the former champions are not amused. If only for the fact that I could barely follow it, I hated this match. Allow me to introduce my rating system for this show: this year, I get to critique matches using the visage of a woman who embodies the American spirit... a woman who has proudly sung our nation's anthem to thousands of fans... a woman with a large mouth... ROSEANNE BARR~! Admit it; you chuckled a bit.
Triple H: The King of Kings: There Is Only One: We're Kinda Running Out of Text Space Here: Great, Now the Text Is Blocking Trips' Abs - now on Pay-Per-View~!
MATT HARDY (c) vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN w/ slow, warped music for the UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP
Hardy and Benjamin go into some quick mat work before Benjamin locks Hardy into a headlock. Hardy breaks out of the hold and delivers an armdrag takedown. I can hardly take my eyes off of Shelton's golden cranium. He just reminds me so much of a Brillo pad. Hardy delivers a bulldog, but only gets a 2-count out of it. Definitely a fast-paced match going on, with a ton of near-falls. Hardy goes for a leg drop and a pin. It was an incredibly close 3-count, but the ref insists it was 2. He even tries a Side Effect, but manages only a 2. Benjamin blocks a moonsault by raising his knees. He delivers his finisher whose name escapes me for the win! Shelton? With a title? I'm truly shocked.
WINNER, and NEWWW UNITED STATES CHAMPION: Shelton Benjamin. No, really!
CM Punk's backstage with Todd Grisham. He lets us know that he may not be 6-foot-6 and 300 pounds, he may not be Shawn Michaels or Bret Hart, but he is CM Punk. I'm Catherine.
Robbie McAllister: I'M ROBBIE~! Yeah, I know no one cares.
MARK HENRY (c) w/ TOTALLY NOT SABA SIMBA vs. TOMMY DREAMER for the EEE-SEEE-DOUBLEYOU CHIMPION-CHIP
Mark Henry's out first with his numerous beads of greasy sweat. Dreamer makes his way out next. I truly die a little inside each time I hear that generic Alice In Chains tune. To hear such an awesome song this way is truly heartbreaking. We get the usual hoss-like manhandling from Mark Henry when the bell rings. Henry steps on Dreamer's face (and chest area, so says Tazz) for a few seconds. I fail to see how Dreamer's chest would ever be situated on his face. Beulah's chest? That's a whole other story. This match is already getting "Boring" chants, and I couldn't agree more. Towards the end of the match, as Dreamer's doing his Raven pose on the turnbuckle, Colin Delaney grabs Dreamer's arm and, uh, shoves his armpit into the rope. NOOO, NOT THE ARMPIT!!! This turns out to be his weak spot as, well, you know what happens next.
WINNER: Mark Henry
This match was seriously a really long squash match, not that I expected anything better. Squash matches are truly all Mark Henry's good for. Workrate be damned! At least Delaney got my interest for three seconds.
We get a recap of the entire Jericho-Michaels feud, which has been absolutely fantastic. Their match could very well be the only saving grace of this show so far.
w/ my hand in marriage w/ Lance Cade vs.
SHAWN MICHAELS for BRAGGING RIGHTS or something
The camera does an intense close-up on Michaels, and he looks insanely cross-eyed. It's fucking hilarious, and absolutely awesome considering the whole eye injury. Michaels tries to go for an early submission from Jericho, but Y2J quickly grabs the bottom rope for a rope break. What the hell is it with Michael Cole and quoting promos to get his point across? He makes everything sound much less cool, kind of like when he gets excited and talks like he just clenched his cornhole. Michaels works on Jericho's left knee for a while. I don't get it. Jericho caused Michaels unbelievable pain in his eye that could easily have been treated with some ointment, and all Michaels wants to do is make Jericho's leg hurt? Beat his fucking ass! Instead, it's more like "GRRR, YOU SON OF A BITCH - HERE, TAKE THIS ELBOW DROP, YOU SWINE~!" Then again, that's exactly why I love wrestling. Nothing solves heated rivalries quite like an elbow to the chest. Remember that, kids. Jericho locks on the Walls of Jericho, but Michaels makes it to the ropes. Michaels delivers a sweet clothesline and goes for the pin. Jericho kicks out at 2. Dear God, Michael Cole's commentary pisses me off. Michaels throws a charging Jericho outside of the ring with an armdrag. HBK delivers an AMAZING moonsault to the outside onto Jericho and Lance Cade. Michaels ends up bleeding from the side of his bad eye after an elbow from Jericho. Michaels is selling the blood loss, which is quite a bit, like death, but he insists to the ref that he's okay. Jericho grabs Michaels and whispers sweet nothings until Michaels quickly gets Jericho into the Crossface. Where there is blood, there is BENOIT~! Michaels is bleeding like crazy, but he tells the ref not to stop the match. Jericho, listening in, hilariously asks, "HEY~! He said no, right?" then kicks Michaels right in the head. The ref stops the match when Jericho pummels the holy fuck out of HBK's face. If it weren't for Michaels' breathing, he'd seriously look dead on that mat, that's how bad he looks. And since Michaels is unable to continue...
WINNER: Chris Jericho
Jericho tosses his arms up in the air in victory as Lilian Garcia announces the winner. Medics tend to poor Shawn as King and Michael Cole speak in Owen Voice. This is an absolute must-see match, especially for the super close-up on Shawn's severely balding dome.
J.R. speaks with Edge via Titantron, but I don't catch a single word of it because, like every time I see Edge on my TV, I can't help but stare and laugh uproariously at the way his mouth moves. Try it next Friday; I guarantee you'll laugh your ass off.
MICHELLE McCOOL vs. NATALYA for the DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP, now available at all Toys-R-Us locations~!
Natalya manhandles Michelle from the beginning. My friend Katy would like to point out the fact that, each time Michelle falls to the mat, her legs are spread like eagles' wings. I figured she was joking until Michelle hit the mat with her cooter nearly splitting in half like a man tied to two running horses. Natalya gets Michelle into the Sharpshooter as Michelle screams "NOOOOO, NOOOOOO, NOOOOOOO~!" before grabbing the ropes. I think this entire match features Natalya trying to put Michelle into the Sharpshooter. Michelle gets Natalya into a Figure-Four Leg Lock. After a ton of screaming that makes my ears spew blood, Natalya taps out.
WINNER, and NEWWWW DIVAS CHAMPION: Michelle McCool
The celebration ends quick as Jericho comes out to tell the fans to keep their ticket stubs intact because tonight marks the last night Shawn Michaels will ever wrestle. Apparently HBK's got a detached retina. I told him to use the fucking ointment. Jericho says the good guys always win while the wicked are punished. I really do enjoy hearing Jericho speak. Great stuff.
Here's a recap of the entire CM Punk-Batista feud, which hasn't been much of a feud considering the fact Batista's basically been obliterating Punk on each show. When will the unlimited title shots ever end?!
CM PUNK (c) vs. THIS. IS. BATIIIIIISTAAAAAA~! [/terrible, outdated 300 reference] for the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
It's Sunday, and Batista's gonna need his title back! And considering he has to walk a mile in a pit of danger to get to these fucking matches, he'd better get something for his troubles! Just not a title. How about ice cream? We get the special ring announcing and referee fondling for this match. The bell rings and Punk and Batista lock up! Teest powers Punk into the corner. He smiles at his hoss-like ability as Michael Cole puts words in Teest's mouth like only he can. "He does this to say 'I can do whatever I want to~!'" Shut the fuck up, you freshly-shaved cunt. The big story going on in this match so far is that Punk has basically no power over Batista. Teest goes for the first pin of the match, but Punk kicks out at 2. Punk Enzuigiri's Batista out of the ring. Punk goes for a suicide dive (known as "throwing caution to the wind" thanks to a certain guy who never existed). It's not like the Suicide Dive was ever called the Bowflex Boogie or anything! Punk continues to get beat down in a manner that John Cena usually would before his huge Superman comeback at the end of his matches. Punk kicks Batista out of the ring again, then kicks him at the apron. Batista hilariously falls halfway into the ring. Punk goes for a huge crossbody into a pin, but Teest kicks out at 2. Punk jumps at Batista in the corner, Batista gets a faceful of balls, and Punk gets slammed onto the mat. We're getting a ton of in-the-corner action in this match. Honestly, Batista seems pretty blown up at this point, with Punk running amok like he just injected himself with 5-Hour Energy. Dear God, could you imagine a 5-hour Batista match? Batista's back to manhandling Punk. He charges towards Punk over at the turnbuckle, but Punk races out of the way in time for Teest to slam his shoulder into the ring post. Here comes KANE to beat the shit out of both guys.
WINNER: ME! And CM Punk after the ref decides a double-DQ.
Kane asks "IS HE DEAD?" or something and just about kills the cameraman near him with a kick to the face before walking to the back. One guy chants "Holy Shit!" Batista bombs Punk out before leaving angrily, and by angrily, I mean yelling "URGH" with the straightest, kindest face ever. Punk makes it to his feet and smiles at Teest. Selling? What's that?
Here's a recap of the Cena-Jibble feud! Not buy Mamajuana, Cena? Then suffer Jibble's blubbery wrath! By the way, how fucking hilarious was Cena getting thrown out of the building as he yelled and kicked and made great faces?
JBL vs. JOHN CENA in a PARKING LOT BRAWL
I love how all the cars are conveniently parked in a circle. Jibble makes his way to the lot first with a crowbar. Cena, however, doesn't even get music, because he's nowhere to be found. Yet. He's in a red car! Red like his fury! As Jibble stands on one car, Cena tries to crash into it. What can I possibly say here? Cena just about dominates the whole damn thing. He attaches jumper cables to Jibble's nuts and wakes him up, as Cena puts it. Jibble tries to leave in one car, prompting Cena to ask "TRYIN' TO LEAVE?! HUH!?!?" as he slams the wannabe New Yorker's head into the steering wheel over and over. This is funnier than any of Cena's poopy jokes. JBL finally gets the upper hand after tossing Cena into a car door. The door flies right off its, um, hinges? We get a ton of windshields and other things shattering, and I can only bet that All-State Insurance is NOT going to include this under their Accident Forgiveness plan. By the way, I love how Jibble decided to show up to a parking lot brawl in a nice dress-up shirt, pinstriped pants, and some snazzy shoes. JBL throws Cena into a car and heads to his limo for a can of gasoline. In one of the funnier moments of this match, the limo then slowly slinks out of the lot. JBL dumps gasoline onto the car and sets it ablaze. Clearly, this PPV is taking place on a whole other plane of existence. On Earth-II, there are no police! The flames are quickly put out, and Cena exits the car completely fucking unharmed. Okay, so we're supposed to believe that this asshole can survive a car slamming into him AND car fires? Jibble gets thrown into a car, and Cena impales it with a forklift before pushing it out into the arena for all the fans to see. The fight continues on the Bash stage. There's a mysterious brown stain on the back of Cena's pants, and my immature self can't help but laugh until the tears flow. Cena decides to F-U JBL onto the car, but takes entirely too long as JBL throws Cena onto the windshield. He goes for the cover, and this one is over!
The two share a Brokeback moment as they lie down on the car together. Hilarious match.
Post-match, referees check on both men as a crowd of children chant Cena's name. Cena bleeds from the elbow, most likely because of the broken glass.
45% of WWE fans sympathize with Vickie Guerrero as 55% sympathize with Edge. Speaking of which, fuck WWE for using Macho Man and Miss Elizabeth's wedding song. TOGETHERRRRR, HE'LL NEVER FUCK GUERREROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS~!
After the wedding reception package, Eve asks Triple H if he had any regrets or something. Trips smiles and asks if he looks like a guy who has regrets. You sit tight and ponder that for a while, Eve, for we have a match to get to!
TRIPLE H (c) vs. EDGE for the WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
Wait a minute. When the hell did Trips win a belt? I can only imagine the meeting that went down before that decision came about.
Random creative team guy: How about we give the strap to MVP?
Michael Hayes: Ehhh... *shudders*
Random creative team guy: Shelton Benjamin?
Michael Hayes: Must... resist... racist... urge... LET'S GIVE IT TO TRIPLE H. Please. I'm begging you.
Anyway, we have a match going on! Edge rams Trips into the steel steps made of UNFORGIVING STEEL, then again into the announce table. He delivers an Impaler DDT onto Triple H on the concrete floor made of UNFORGIVING CONCRETE. I promise I won't channel my inner Michael Cole again. A ten-count begins as both men struggle to their feet. They reenter the ring, and Trips gives Edge a DDT of his own, then goes for the pin before Edge kicks out. Edge counters Triple H's first attempt at a Pedigree, and misses a Spear attempt of his own. Triple H counters another Spear attempt and delivers a spinebuster onto Edge. Before long, wedding planner Alicia Fox makes to way to the ring and tries to the give the WWE strap to Edge, but Vickie Guerrero runs out and clotheslines Alicia poorly. Vickie gets into the ring with the belt and shoves the referee aside. She readies herself to smack the shit out of Edge, but Alicia pounces on Vickie and we have ourselves a catfight! Edge accidentally spears Vickie as Alicia slinks out of the ring. Edge glares at Alicia for a bit, then turns around and lands right into a Pedigree. Hey kids! Do you know what comes after a Pedigree? That's right!
WINNER: Triple H
Edge stares up at the lights as Trips leaves the ring. Chavo Guerrero makes his way out to tend to Vickie. If I were her, I'd book Edge against the entire Smackdown roster on Friday. Hell hath no fury, bitch. I'm pretty sure that's how Shakespeare wrote it. Anyway, this felt a little too much like an extended Smackdown main event to me, right down to the cheesy ending.
This show started off pretty poorly with the exception of the Benjamin-Hardy match, but it picked way the hell up with the Jericho-Michaels match... then it slowed down again during the Divas match. I loved Kane's appearance during the Batista-Punk match, and I can't wait to see where his storyline goes Monday night. The Parking Lot Brawl was funny - much funnier than I think was ever intended, but the main event definitely could've done without all the Vickie and Alicia drama. However, seeing as I think this show had more hits than misses, I'm going to give it a thumbs up, especially since I don't think I've ever laughed so much during a PPV in my life.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).