WWE GREAT AMERICAN BASH
Hey there kids, it’s your good buddy James Walker here for your Great American Bash rant. It’s important to recognize that despite the name of the event, tonight, we will NOT be seeing Muhammad Ali get his ass handed to him by The Great Khali; Parkinson’s Disease already did that. (The beauty of that joke is I’m not offending anyone with the disease – their hands are too shaky to type in our URL!)
Now that I’ve offended anyone with a soul, it’s time to recap a Pay-Per-View without one! Not only are there injuries to Mark Henry & Bobby Lashley (thus eliminating all the soul food from the catering menu) and, but apparently a WWE didn’t generate a sell-out crowd. I’m shocked because generally, the WWE incarnation of this PPV has been so very good!
The ROHd Warriors (Paul London & Brian Kendrick) VS The Spayed Pitbulls (Jamie Noble & Kid Kash); WWE Tag Team Titles
You’ve gotta love WWE logic: “The tag-team division needs rebuilding? Let’s destroy the cruiserweight division!” It’s a lot like paying off your Visa with your Mastercard, except neither of these teams generate any interest.
Kash & London start off the match. Early on, Kash goes for a hip toss on
and Kash both fell victim to a double hiptoss, stereo dropkick, and stereo plancha. However, Noble regained control for his
team after tossing Kendrick from the top and landing a few Japanese strong-style kicks on him. Jamie Noble, pretending to
be asian? Well I never! Eventually, Kendrick got the hot tag to
fell victim to a hurricarana, which just might be the most inoffensive wrestling move today, and Noble failed a Tiger Driver
attempt when London came back in with another leg lariat (thumbs up for continuity), sending Noble to the floor. Kendrick
then landed a big dive from the top to Noble, while
Winners: Paul London & Brian Kendrick
Khali roared angrily at the dentist who caused him to lose all feeling in his mouth, this making his speech unintelligible.
Either that or for The Undertaker. Daivari logically was all like ”uhh, dude, you’re gonna get to fight him in
a hour, just relax you big jackass”, and Khali lifted Daivari high in the air
and powerbombed him to his literal
Theodore Long came to the ring, and I still laugh at the fact that he uses Rodney Mac’s theme song. I don’t know what’s sadder: The fact that Rodney Mac lives on vicariously through Teddy’s entrances, or the fact that he’s forced to plow Jazz every night. Judging by the size of Jazz’s arms, I don’t think I’m wrong in calling it “forced”, either. Anyways, Long says that due to Lashley’s increased count of enzymes in his liver, he won’t be able to compete. I wonder if it’ll be back to normal in 30 days? Lashley comes out and is all like “Nigga, lemme fight” and Long is all ike “G, you straight trippin”, and Lashley is all like “Bitch please”, and Long is all like “Werd”. Translated from Ebonics to English, I think Long said Lashley will get a US Title shot when he gets back. Either that or a big ol’ bucket of fried chicken, but I’m sure both will satisfy young Bobby.
Lashley leaves, and this brings out Finlay & Regal, who try to get the match cancelled, but just like me trying to pick up a hooker, no sale.
Finlay w/ William Regal VS William Regal w/Finlay, United States Championship
Figures.. the one time the WWE gives us something new, the rest of the world has been seeing it for the last hundred years. Somehow though, I don’t think this match’ll end up being part of a grade 11 History exam. Somehow.
Regal and Finlay decide that this match isn’t their cup of tea, and begin to walk out… until Finlay tries his luck and rolls up Regal for a quick 2 count. Regal, shocked that an Irishman would attack a Brit, decided that tying up with Finlay and rolling around the entire ringside area was the best way to display his furious anger. We got some nice mat wrestling, but unfortunately, the crowd decided that this was a Civil War they didn’t have interest in. But man, if they were fighting over the rights to Lashley’s services, they’d be all over this! Those sheep don’t sheer themselves, you know! Ahem, where was I?
Oh yes. The Little Bastard scares Regal either because he’s trying to get him using hard drugs again, or because Regal is afraid of little people. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Finlay took over with some stiff strikes, but Regal battled back with a double underhook suplex. However, while Finlay distracts the referee, The Little Bastard pops up and bites Regal’s fingers. Geez, this guy has impeccable timing.. it’s almost as if these matches are choreographed! Finlay displays some Shades of Randy Orton with a LETHAL chinlock. My god… the booking for this match is so odd. Considering that Finlay has been getting quite a few face pops recently, you’d think it Regal would be playing the heel. But alas, we’re left with Regal awkwardly trying to get the fans into this, and the fans not giving him ANYTHING to work with. Paul Heyman sympathizes, William.
Regal then unloads a Dusty-Rhodes like dropkick, and an Exploder suplex for two. And here I was, thinking exploders could finish of the Irish. CNN teaches me nothing. Right about now, the fans chant boring, and Cole smartly covers by saying the fans want Lashley. Wow, Cole isn’t such a useless pile of hair gel as you’d think. With Finlay on the outside, Regal goes for the equivalent of trying to kick Owen Hart, and jumps off the apron. Of course, Finlay pulls the apron skirt out, and Regal’s Winston & Churchill get crushed. Finlay unloaded some stiff forearms, and during this, the Leprechaun took Regal’s boot off, setting up an inevitable attack – obvious gimmick infringement, here.
As Regal dodged a Finlay charge, he grabbed the shillelagh, but the Ref stopped him from using it. However, this allowed Finlay to receive Regal’s boot, and club (foot) him with it, and get the pin with his feet on the ropes. Good match that the fans were not into whatsoever – also, too many comedy spots for my liking.
Winner and still WWE United States Champion: Finlay
After the match, The Leprechaun tried to steal the US title, but Finlay prevented that. I don’t blame Fit, either… we all know Leprechaun’s gold is worthless.
Backstage, Rey has a camera in his changing room… kinda defeats the purpose, doesn’t it? Chavo Guerrero then walks in and tells Rey that he’s there to make sure “Dreams do come true”. So, he’s going to take an 8 year old kid with Leukemia to Disneyland? I don’t get it.
Gregory Helms VS Matt Hardy, Non-Title
Call me crazy, but wasn’t Helms hyping the fact that he was defending the Cruiserweight title tonight on the last episode of Smackdown? Continuity Don’t Mattuh.
This just in: Homeland Security has upgraded the United States to orange alert. Why? Tonight, North Carolina EXPLODES! You know, I wish these two got a little promo time to begin this match.. we could have had them saying “This State ain’t big enough for the both of us.. well… figuratively, because we’re both pretty small”, and then to settle the peace, they could make a “South North Carolina” and a “North North Carolina”. Though, I suppose Matt would want to get Lita in on this too, and she’d get “The Wicked Witch of the West Carolina”. Yes, I’ve been waiting a year and a half to make that joke. Whatever.
Anywho, there’s a match going on! Hardy leapfrogs Helms, and does the old Hurricane “What’s up with dat” schtick, to which I say “Uhh, you are what was up, Matt.” Helms takes his frustrations out on the floor, as Hardy clotheslines him out, and then Matt lands a plancha/pescado/chili con carne.
Back inside now, and Helms has control after a couple of neckbreakers. (Though, really, when’s the last time a neckbreacker actually did what it advertised? It’s more like going to the strip club, and watching women take their shirts off to reveal… another shirt.) Hardy fought back with a Russian Legsweep, and I begin to be curious as to why so many American wrestlers use this move. (Hint: They’re communists!) Matt attempted a superplex, but Helms fought back, eventually landing a beautiful top rope spinning neckbreaker, but on the cover Matt got his feet on the rope. This led to fisticuffs, and Matt coming out on top with a Side Effect. (It may include a sore back, sore neck, and crying for prolonged periods of time because you’re such a fucking whiny douchebag. Ahem.)
The two men then had a neat series of reversals, ending with Helms landing a Shining Wizard for two. Helms put Matt on top, but as he went up, Matt knocked him down and landed a moonsault press for two. With Helms in the corner, Matt mounted him (hey, I knew these Carolina boys were close, but THIS IS TOO FAR!) with the 10 punches, but Helms dropped him a la snake eyes, and rolled up with the tights hooked for the win. Decent match that the crowd wasn’t really into.
Winner: Gregory Helms
You know, this really pisses me off. Everyone (even wwe.com) was reporting that it was going to be Helms VS Super Crazy tonight. Though, I’ve heard rumors that Crazy was sitting down, enjoying a nice Mexicola in his Mexicolorado home, watching his Mexicolor TV, when his Mexicousin told him that Mexicolon Cancer runs to the family and he should have it Mexicontained before it’s too late, meaning he couldn’t Mexicompete tonight. Still though, it seemed pretty logical that these guys would fight, I mean, Helms called Crazy out when he was doing commentary on Smackdown. Mexicontinuity don’t mattuuuh.
Backstage, Daivari is trying to talk some sense into WWE Creative (or as he called them, “Khali”). Daivari says to wait to attack Taker, and Khali walks off… and then, by the zombie powers be possesses, Taker appears from shadows and flings Daivari off to the side. Khali goes to attack Taker, but then the Big Show appears out of nowhere (everywhere?) and Taker gets double teamed, unconvincingly. Long & his mighty crew of referees break up the melee, because, you know, they’re so physically imposing. PH3AR CHAD PATTON!!
As Taker gets out of the scene, and Big Show jams a couple more hoagies down his gullet, we get a video promo talking about this Punjabi Prison match. Somehow, they neglect to include the part where you get sentenced to this prison by a British judge, when you try to stand up for your right to Indian culture. All the Undertaker wanted to do was tame a Cobra, but ooohhh no, Jake the Snake HAD to go ahead and not feed it. … hey look, there goes my point.
Anywho, we cut back to the scene of the (organized) crime, and Teddy Long informs Khali that due to the action we just saw, he’s out of the match, and Big Show is in, and it has NOTHING to do with his diseased liver. “It'd be like me going into BK wearing a Wendy's uniform, and the manager throwing a mop at me” – Sean Carless. I mean, really, I love how the authority figure on these programs can seem to send ANYONE to fight. “Hey Mike, that office memo didn’t include the revisal for Casual Fridays! As a punishment, I’m forcing you to 10 rounds of bare-knuckle boxing with Gloria from payroll!”
Undertaker VS The Big Show, Punjabi Prison Match, Non-title
Ok, so we finally get to find out what this supposed “Punjabi Prison” match is. There’s been tons of speculation, but my favourites answers were found on a Yahoo Answers thread. Some of the better ones include:
- OMG! a punjabi prison match is a hell in a cell with barbed wire top and has mud on one corner and weapons filleing the ring up....
- Its a fight to the death, so either the Undertaker is retiring after all this time or Khali was just another short lived monster for Undertaker to eventually defeat in WWE. The Ring will have a cage but there will be no escape, possible weapons, barbed wire and fire, no referee inside the ring (Too Dangerous). The winner will be the one who is still alive (just). After the match the loser will either be buried or cremated.
- In india a punjabi prison match is a way to amuse the bored and restless guards. they throw 2 or more prisoners(rapists,murderers,pe... the indian gov. took out of the picture.) in a cagelike structure. Each wall has dozens of spikes from top to botton,left to right. on 2 oppsite walls are various weapons(machetes, whips,chains, hammers,spikes,etc) the prisoners fight to the death or at least till one can no longer go on. the winner will recieve good food and drink. the loser if not dead will be tortured by the same guards who bet on him to win.
- A Punjabi prison match is a horrible match originating from the Punjabi people. It was used to choose who is worthy to live by who comes out alive. It is a match held in a square ring surrounded by a fence of horizontal strings of barbed wire, much like prison bars. The top is covered by a barbed wire fence. The only way to "win" is to kill your opponent. However, more times than not, neither battler survived this satanic match. This was often seen as the Punjabi gods deeming neither worthy of the gift of life. DO NOT ATTEMPT.
Alas, as entertaining as those options are, it turns out to be basically 2 bamboo cages, which look more like the old school blue cages that the new age chain link ones. One cage is on the apron, and another taller one outside like a Hell in a Cell, except with no roof. There are 4 doors that can be opened, but only on the inner cage. They’ll be opened for 60 seconds, upon wrestler request, and once the 60 seconds is up, they’lre locked shut for the remainder of the match. The rules of the match are that you have to escape both cages to win. So basically, it’s a Kennel from Hell match, with cheaper building materials and less dog urine.
Ok, as for the actual match. Even if you thought their ECW encounter was fast paced and exciting, you’d have to agree that this match was so slow, that even Hooked on Phonics declared it hopeless. Here’s the entire first 9 minutes:
-Whip into bamboo
This monotony got broken up when Taker reversed a chokeslam to a DDT, and Taker got the refs to open a door. However, Show prevented Taker from leaving, and the door ended up being locked for goof. Taker then fought back, but Big Show called upon his amazing Greco Roman wrestling skills and reversed the Old School with a flinch of his arm. Riveting. Show called for a door to be opened, Taker intervened, but Show hit him with a chokeslam. By this time, the door was locked. Big Show complained, but, uhh, dude, there’s 2 other doors. Uh huh. Yeah. Go push some eggs through your rings or something, you dumbass.
Show rammed Taker into an exposed turnbuckle, and Taker is busted open. Big Show headed to the top rope (what?) and Taker cut him off, and landed a superplex. Fortunately, the WWE structural engineers improved on their design since the infamous Lesnar/Show match, which saw the best use of a sports entertainment finish in year. Wait, why am I complimenting a match that’s 3 years old? Because I HAVE THE POWER!!!
ANYWAYS. Taker escapes the first cage, and the 3rd door is locked. Big Show escapes the cage now, sets up a table on the outside, and stops Taker from escaping the second cage by jerking him off (alright, so what, I just wanted to say that), through the table. Putting his typewriter head to good use, Show tosses Taker back into the first cage, and now it’s locked, with Taker inside of it. Conundrum!
Big Show begins to climb the second cage, and Taker begins to climb the first cage, avoiding some spikes on the top (did I forget to mention those? Oh well.) Taker then got ahold of a rope that was attached to the second cage (did I forget to mention these too? Hmm, I’m pretty good at this recap business, eh?) and seriously swung into Big Show like he was freakin’ Tarzan or something, sending both men to the floor. Then Taker leg dropped Big Show through a table, just because the undead can’t survive on brains alone.
This led to Khali & Daivari coming down to the ring,a nd climbing the second cage, while Taker climbed the first cage, and attempted a cross body on Big Show, who caught Taker, and VERY VERY GENTLY FELL BACKWARDS, NUDGING THE CAGE OUT OF PLACE. Even though Big Show hit the ground first, the match is still awarded to The Undertaker. Bad match, entertaining gimmick, horrible finish.
Winner: The Undertaker
You know… someone should tell the Punjabi police force to start making their prisons out of anchored steel. WE HAVE TECHNOLOGY FOR A REASON.
Before we get to this next match, I have to share something with you all. On wwe.com, they ran a poll asking what match the fans were most anticipating. While stuff like the US title match was in last place, this Bra & Panties match came in at a shocking second. To that, Sean decided to create his own little wwe.com poll.
Kristal vs. Jillian Hall vs. Ashley vs. Michelle McCool - Four Way Bra & Panties Match.
Proving how enormously (pun!) dumb these women are, none of them bundle up with parkas and a handful of T-shirts bought at a local thrift store. Instead, they’re about 7 square inches of fabric away from losing this match already, and the opening bell hasn’t even rung. But hey, if they’re too stupid to put the rules of this match in their favor, maybe they’re too stupid to put the rules of society in their favor as well? “Oh, Michelle.. it’s not rape! It’s just surprise sex!”
Awkward women’s brawling to start us off, and I barely have an erection when Michelle lands a sketchy looking backbreaker on Ashley. Jillian gave Michelle a Thesz press, also known as a “HERE COMES MY BOOBS!” Proving to us that she’s the only one with any wrestling training, Jillian went up top for a moonsault, but Kristal crotched her on the turnbuckle pad. I don’t know why that hurt, I thought women were well accustomed to having pads on their nether-regions? With Jillian in a Tree of Woe (Whoa?), Michelle pulled her top off. I swear, when the WWE released Molly Holly, they took her “fat ass” and implanted into Jillian’s chest. The faces (that I’d like to blow a load on) took the skirts off the heels, but making me look like a total douchebag, Michelle outsmarts the other women because she’s got a second skirt on. Michelle decided to take her aggressions out on Kristal, as I can hear Joe Merrick crying fowl.
As I clean up the mess I’ve made, Jillian shakes her tits about, just because she can. That’s right girl shake what your surgeon gave ya! Jillian decided to suffocate Kristal with her enormous yams, and Ashley came in and pulled the top off of Kristal. This match went far too long – I ejaculated at least 3 minutes ago.
Winner: Ashley, ‘cause she roxxorz my boxxorz!!!1
Then as a celebration, Ashley and Jillian take each other’s bottoms off. You know, I’d like to see Cade & Murdoch employ this as a victory celebration too… orrrrrrrr not. Or maybe? HMM!
Backstage, The Miztake interviews Kennedy, who says his secret plan tonight is to avoid grassy knolls at all costs.
Batista vs Ken Kennedy , no-grudge-what-so-ever match
Batista makes his entrance first, and gets a pretty good pop. As he makes his way to the ring, we see a video of Mark Henry’s injury, including x-rays which amazingly showed a whole turkey, a human hand, and Paul Burchill, all contained within Mizark’s gut. It’s science.
Ken Kennedy came out next and as he gestured for the old school microphone, Batista attacked him. That’s the 3rd Kennedy entrance in a row that he hasn’t been allowed to do his shtick, and here I was thinking they wanted this guy to start getting over. Silly me.
Batista dominates the match from the get-go, and eventually whips Kennedy into the steps, which busts up Kennedy hardway – it looks pretty nasty. In the ring, Batista lands a clothesline, and Kennedy bails, but Batista speared him on the outside. Batista dragged Kennedy onto the apron, where Kennedy missed a charge and Kennedy was sent to the floor. Now, Kennedy resorts to actually BITING Batista in the head, and knowing where that head has been, I wonder if we can now say that Kennedy has tossed HHH’s salad. Just sayin’.
Kennedy uses the referee to distract Batista long enough to kick him in the head, and now Kennedy gets a little offence in, including a neat looking stretch using the ring apron. Kennedy whips Batista into the steps, and Batista gets rolled back into the ring. I should mention that Kennedy is bleeding profusely here, reminding me of Eddie’s sick blade job a few years back – except this doesn’t look like a blade job. Kennedy decides to slap Batista, which I guess brings Demons of the Deep back to life, for Dave now throttles Kennedy’s throat and pounds away in the corner. DAVE throws Kennedy into the post a bunch of times, ‘stohmps ah mud hole dry, by gawd!’, and begins choking the shit (not literally, Sid) out of him with his boot. Batista ignores the referee, and we’ve got a good ol’ DQ!
Winner via disqualification… disqualification: Ken Kennedy
Post match, Dave lands three spinebusters and a Demon bomb, thus proving a bomb was BOUND to be on the receiving end of a Kennedy, eventually.
We get a nifty little video package about the main event – it’s the battle of oppressed minorities! While one gets snuck over the border, another got unwilling dragged across it! Slavery VS Slave labor wages! SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE!
Rey Mysterio vs. King Booker w/ Queen Sharmell;
Booker & Sharmell get a fancy pope-mobile/throne chariot entrance, which would explain why Booker got caught robbing that Wendy’s – his get away vehicle could only move 2 mp/h. Booker might be known for his wrestling ability, but he sure as shit isn’t known for his intelligence – did you ever see him on The Weakest Link?
Rey makes his entrance, to the tunes of BOOYAKA BOOYAKA SIX ONE NINE, which taken out of context, looks like some alpha-numeric military code. Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Echo Juliet Oscar Bravo Bravo India November Golf!
Opening bell rings, and Booker pushes Rey into a corner, and begins unloading some chops. Rey gets out of it, and dishes out some stikes, and then a big leg drop for two. The crowd chants for Eddie, and I imagine Eddie Gilbert running out with the BIGGEST smile on his face, to NO reaction. While I go off on this tangent, Rey lands a seated dropkick for two, and a headscissors, which sounds really morbid if you think about it.
Booker misses a corner charge, and hits the ring post, making that about the 6th or 7th time we’ve seen that tonight. Booker flops to the outside, and as he stirs, Rey climbs to the top rope, leaps off, and jams his crotch into the waiting arms of Booker. Some call it a Senton, but those people are in denial. Rey rolls Booker in the ring, and gets a springboard splash to the back for two. Rey goes for a Quebrada (OH YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, I DO ACTUALLY KNOW MY WRESTLING MOVES, FUCKERS) but Booker dodges and lands a kick for 2. Booker dishes out generic heel offence, because only faces are allowed to be exciting.
With Booker back in control. Rey went for the typical lucha snapmare reversal, but Booker applies logic (a rare sight in the WWE) and just throws Rey aside. Booker lands the Three Amigos (Three Brothas?), because EVERYBODY that feuds with Rey Mysterio has to mock Eddie Guerrero, right? Right?
Booker goes for the Ax kick, or the “huh, my bowels seem to be acting up, so I’m just going to stand here and keel over in the ring which surely can present no danger”, but Rey dodges and gets Booker in 619 position. Booker dodges that, but Rey still lands a stiff kick to the back of Booker’s head for two. Rey goes for the 619 again (620?), but Sharmell trips Rey. The ref sees it, and instead of, you know, disqualifying Booker, he ejects Sharmell from ringside. Sorta like the IRS coming to your door, telling you that you owe $200,000, but you can make it all better by making them a couple of peanut butter & jelly sandwiches.
Back to the action, and Rey tries for the wheelbarrow bulldog, but Booker simply falls backwards, dropping Rey into a back suplex. Surely, that was a HIGHLY skilled move, because no one ever does that. Booker climbs to the second rope, and goes for the ever dangerous “Ohhh shit, I probably should have done something more than expect to get booted in the face, hey?” Mysterio rallies, and gets a nearfall with a springboard crossbody for two, then a nice tornado DDT for another two count. Rey attempts the headscissors from the corner, but Booker simply pitches Rey into the ref, like the world’s tiniest spear. (butter knife?) Booker charges, but Rey comes back with a springboard senton, 619, and frog splash, but Rey acts like he’s surprised when the ref lay apparently asleep on the outside. I can’t blame the guy, he had to watch the Punjabi Prison match.
Rey tried to revive the ref, but Booker lands a lowblow, and a great looking Bookend. Booker goes to the outside and grabs a chair, but Rey recovers and dropkicks it into Booker’s face.Cue Chavo Guerrero, who runs out and lands a STIFF chair shot on Rey. (who never even put his hands up) With Chavo looking all evil, the ref count the LONGEST three count since Triple H VS Booker T at Wrestlemania 19. Solid main event, but nothing overly special.
Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Booker T
Post match, Chavo wanders off, while Booker celebrates. Interestingly, this PPV ends about 20 minutes too soon. Thanks for giving me all that I paid for, WWE!
Highlight: I’ll give the nod to the Booker title win. The guy has worked very hard in the last year or so, and for once the WWE didn’t drop the ball. While this probably is just a transitional reign until Summerslam where Batista will get the strap, no one can say that Booker didn’t deserve this reign. Also, the stiff chairshot at the end looked really fucking good.
Lowlight: The ending to the Punjabi Prison match. The match was far from good, but much better than it would have been with Khali. However, pros like Show & Taker should be able to at least have their finishing sequence come off properly, and the ending to the match ruined any mystique and credibility the match might have built.
Overall show thoughts: Not a bad PPV. Definitely the best WWE GAB to date, but that’s not saying much. The WWE actually recovered nicely from the 3 major injuries, and I do have to give them credit for that. However, I will knock them for not really producing anything that felt important. All the matches, minus the main event, either had no heat or build (or both), and the title switch would mean a lot more if we all didn’t know that Booker was going to drop it in a month. I’ll be a nice guy and give this show a thumbs up, but it’s not enthusiastic.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).