The Following is dedicated to the *ahem* memory of Muhammad Hassan.
Hey all, I’m your venerable party host Sean Carless, and welcome to the better- late-than-never Rant for the Great….err, umm, “American Bash” anyway. Obviously, WWE has a different definition than the rest of the world when it comes to the word "Great". But hey, I’m not gonna nit-pick. (But just in case you don't take my word for it, check out LAST YEAR'S abhorrent original HERE, and relive the birth of America's newest summertime tradition! Well, so long as your idea of traditions include suffocating your best friend in cement after just saving him from a convoluted kidnapping plot. That's right. Just read the review and see what I mean. ).
Onto the show~!
Your hosts here tonight are Carlos and Hugo for our Spanish brethren who can expect their PPV feed terminated at approximately 10:30 eastern as per standard main-event rules, and Tazz & Michael Cole for the rest of us.
Before the show starts, Cole once again gives extreme hyperbole, once again relaying that this event IN FACT IS AN AMERICAN TRADITION. Whether you like it or not, buster! He then mentions that once again, much like last year, it is available COMPLETELY FREE for our fighting men and women overseas. However, if WWE was smart, they'd actually beam the feed to the Iraqis instead. After 3 hours of this show, we'd have unconditional surrender. I mean, JUST THINK OF HOW MANY BILLIONS WE'D SAVE in the process, and how much better Vince could put that money to use! (The 350 Billion Dollar Diva Search~!) MAKE IT HAPPEN.
Legion of Doom, LOD 2000, LOD 2005,
Animal & Hawkenreich? Vs. (C) MNM w/ Melina or N& M w/ M. Or Something equally nonsensical: WWE
Tag Team Championships at stake.
champs are in the ring, and damn it here comes the Load Warriors. I'm not sure what kind of "Animal" Animal is supposed
to be, but judging by his girth, I think it'd be pretty safe to assume that he's been bulking up for the long winter.
But all kidding aside, I'm glad Animal & Heidenreich found each other. And let's face it, Heidy needed the gimmick
change. In the last six months he's been portrayed as a rapist and a man who loves to surround himself with children. Not exactly the best segue as far
as gimmicks go, but it could be worse. They could have pulled the trigger on that alleged FROZEN NAZI gimmick. (A Nazi who was apparently thawed out for a
couple of years in the 90's to play a few NFL seasons with the Saints).
The champs are in the ring, and damn it here comes the Load Warriors. I'm not sure what kind of "Animal" Animal is supposed to be, but judging by his girth, I think it'd be pretty safe to assume that he's been bulking up for the long winter. But all kidding aside, I'm glad Animal & Heidenreich found each other. And let's face it, Heidy needed the gimmick change. In the last six months he's been portrayed as a rapist and a man who loves to surround himself with children. Not exactly the best segue as far as gimmicks go, but it could be worse. They could have pulled the trigger on that alleged FROZEN NAZI gimmick. (A Nazi who was apparently thawed out for a couple of years in the 90's to play a few NFL seasons with the Saints).
Anyway, the big story of this match is that MNM assaulted
Heidenreich, and Animal ran in to make the save (with pre-cued theme music and a fully painted face, you know, just
in case, someone, somewhere needed a completely spontaneous run-in~!). MNM then challenged THE actual Road Warriors
for the Tag team Titles at the Great American Bash; only to quickly correct themselves and say that they couldn't because
HAWK was dead. So enter Heidenreich. However, this may sound morose, but I’d actually be intrigued by the corpse
of Road Warrior Hawk making his long awaited PPV return. I mean, if Undertaker can return under his deadman gimmick, why not
Hawk? And let's be honest, even the lifeless body of Hawk would in all likelihood have better workrate
than Heidenreich. Am I wrong? And besides, imagine
how many career opportunities something like this could open up. If WWE was to dig up and feature every buried WWE superstar, they’d have to finally push RVD,
right? RIGHT? Ok, clearly I'm going to Hell.
Anyway, the big story of this match is that MNM assaulted Heidenreich, and Animal ran in to make the save (with pre-cued theme music and a fully painted face, you know, just in case, someone, somewhere needed a completely spontaneous run-in~!). MNM then challenged THE actual Road Warriors for the Tag team Titles at the Great American Bash; only to quickly correct themselves and say that they couldn't because HAWK was dead. So enter Heidenreich. However, this may sound morose, but I’d actually be intrigued by the corpse of Road Warrior Hawk making his long awaited PPV return. I mean, if Undertaker can return under his deadman gimmick, why not Hawk? And let's be honest, even the lifeless body of Hawk would in all likelihood have better workrate than Heidenreich. Am I wrong? And besides, imagine how many career opportunities something like this could open up. If WWE was to dig up and feature every buried WWE superstar, they’d have to finally push RVD, right? RIGHT? Ok, clearly I'm going to Hell.
Heidenreich & Animal dominate early, until MNM start double teaming, and work over Heidy's leg. Heidenreich is your giant 7 foot buttery-skinned Ricky Morton in peril, and eventually Animal gets tired of the double teaming, and comes in and delivers a suplex to both Nitro & Mercury simultaneously. Hot tag to Animal soon follows, but things look grim when Nitro clobbers him with a tag belt, but Animal kicks out because he snacks on DANGER~! (and just about everything else). MNM look for the snap shot, but Heidenreich breaks that up, and Animal hits a huge powerslam, instructs Heidy to head up stairs, and they finish Mercury with the Doom's Day Device for the titles!
Winners and *NEW* champions: Animal & HAWKenreich. Now all Animal has to do is find Heidenreich some matching tights. Surely there's a surviving big & tall shop somewhere in the post apocalyptic world Animal's from, right?
- After the match, we see Animal and Heidenreich celebrate with the belts, and Animal points at the ceiling, and says “This one’s for you, Hawk!”. I however was more surprised to hear that Vince apparently keeps the body of Hawk in the arena rafters. Oh, he meant, umm, never mind then.
-Backstage, Eddie Guerrero demands that Dominick be brought to ringside, so Eddie can tell him a bedtime story. I always imagined this was one of Rob Feinstein's pick-up lines. Oh, I Kid (Slander, lol, I'll pretend you said satire).
Booker T. w/ Sharmell Vs. Christian w/o Tyson Tomko & push
Poor Christian. Thanks to the BLOCKBUSTER TRADE AGREEMENT ( you know, an event so HUGE, that they've already fired a few people who made the jump) Christian is now on SmackDown, only without Tyson Tomko. As a result, Christian will now have to solve his own problems, and just hope that the one where 'the two trains, traveling at the same speed but going at opposite directions, so which will reach its destination first' never arises, because he'll be LOST. Clearly.
Anyway, the match is underway, and two men couldn't possibly have less momentum going into this thing. They should have just had these two guys have a game of rock, paper, scissors (kick) instead of wrestling because I think it’s fairly obvious at this point WWE isn’t willing to push either of them.
Anyway, after some brief Zbyszko-like stalling, Christian finally gets into the ring and Book dominates early on. At one point, Michael Cole astutely points out that Booker is 5 and 1 at the Bash, and I almost forget that this was once the same man who called a fucking steel cage a carnivore. (YES. A Carnivore. It used to feed on leaves and berries but now it has a taste for men! Hey, just like Orlando Jordan!)).
With that said, the crowd is actually solidly behind Christian here, which Tazz puts over to the fact that they’re close to the Canadian border. Yes. We Canadians are just lurking over the Falls, ready to pounce over to Buffalo and RUIN WWE storyline continuity with our gosh darned Heel lovin’ tendencies. It’s that, and not that Xian is an entertaining and compelling character. That’s right.
Christian soon gains the advantage by pulling the ref in front to block Book, then getting a cheap shot in. After some more back and forth (including a book-end by Booker) both men try to put each other away with their finishers of choice... but it doesn’t work as first Book misses a scissors kick, before he manages to also shrug off Christian’s Unprettier. Both men then spill to the floor. On the floor, Christian gets rammed into the post, and once back in the ring, Booker finishes Christian clean with a second rope Scissors kick to kill any heel momentum and even up the rivalry. After the match, Sharmell embraces her man in all her stereotypical sassy glory. Part of me wonders if for whatever reason Sharmell ever lost the ability to emote with her hands, if she would explode like the Femme-bots in Austin Powers. This part of me is *somewhat* inebriated though, so don't listen to him.
Winner: Booker T. and the archaic Even-Steven booking philosophy.
- Backstage, Melina promises that her boys will regain the Tag Titles. I’d say the law of averages would point to that since they’re the only fucking tag team on this brand. She also promises that no one will ever see her in her underwear... and definitely not after Candice and Torrie double-team her anyway. There are no losers here! Except you. Come on, man. Get your shit together. You're an embarrassment.
- We see the Summer Slam commercial where the Divas wash cars. Am I the only one who’d think it was funny if instead it was the released WWE superstars forced to wash Vince’s limo while he throws scraps of food at them? Umm, probably.
Chris Benoit Vs. (C) "Bisexual Chocolate"
Cole puts over Jordan early on, calling him “the best athlete on SmackDown!” which of course is carny for “He can run really fast, jump really high and is good at a number of sports you don’t give two fucks about; because to you he’s as boring as shit and has no personality; but I swear he really is a GREAT athlete…even if his wrestling conveys the complete opposite image….”
Anyway, good match, but not great. The fact that it is even watchable is credit I give to Benoit completely. They might as well change Benoit’s name to Back-hoe, because it’s always him they come to when they need help carrying a load of shit. (I think I may have just wanted to use this line. Sue me.)
With that said, Benoit controlled a decent portion of this match, but OJ handled himself well enough, working on Benoit’s neck which at some point appeared to have a huge disgusting gash in it. And unlike the other Canadian Wolverine, the wound didn't close right over seconds later. Tough break. Anyway, OJ is on full offense at this point, trying to grind him down, but not before briefly stopping his onslaught to pantomime a huge "OJ" in the air (seriously.). I'm almost afraid of what might be in store for Mr. Jordan if Creative catches wind of this. And you'll know it's happened next week when a WWE Diva is shockingly murdered, with all signs pointing to Orlando as the culprit. From there the company will bring back Clarence Mason to “defend” him, and hell, even former Orient Express member Kato will come out of the wood work as a witness, claming that he lived in Jordan's guest house.
Anyway, Benoit soon regains the momentum, hitting a big superplex, then delivering the
ROLLING GERMANS (Not this Tm. James Walker) and the big flying headbutt off the top rope. However, this only gets two. Eventually, OJ manages
to untie the turnbuckle pad, and when Benoit went for another German Suplex,
Winner and still wrestling’s most undeserving champion:
-We get a recap of the Muhammad Hassan/ Undertaker fiasco...you know despite the fact that they have to kill the character off because of this very footage. We see Daivari martyred to the Undertaker (Hey, I'm sure a lot of Jihads would rather take a piledriver then a pipe bomb, so count yourself lucky Daivari!) before Undertaker is AMBUSHED by SYMPATHIZERS... and not TERRORISTS. This sets up tonight's match. It's Buried WMDs Vs.... Years of burying half the roster? YES. And the winner supposedly meets the World Champion at Summer Slam, while the loser gets re-tooled in OVW where they’ll end up floundering before being released altogether because their character was the root of any and all heat they’d ever have. Or something like that. :)
Muhammad Hassan w/ Daivari and Terrorizing Sympathizers Vs. Undertaker : Hell in a Terrorist Cell! OK, maybe not.
Anyway, both men are in the ring, and the Shiite is on! Taker takes it
to Hassan early, and dominates, until the “sympathizers” get involved as I laugh to myself at their Khaki camouflage
After that carnage, Undertaker brings Hassan to the ramp-way at the top of the aisle, before removing the floor panel, and delivering the Last Ride to “the depths of Hell”, better known as “concrete” to anyone who doesn’t speak bullshit hyperbole. The camera man eventually focuses down the hole to reveal Hassan demolished in a heap on the cement and not the crash pad that Steve Keirn and Fit Finlay are probably scurrying away with…..
Side note: Why is it that Undertaker always gets the urge to indiscriminately murder someone on this particular PPV?
Winner: Undertaker. Well, at least until Hassan returns to get his revenge by commandeering Brock Lesnar’s plane and crashing it into Titan Tower…..
- Now that we’re over that whole inconsequential homicide thing moments ago, Torrie Wilson is here to basically say that she’s both for girl power and discrimination! God bless this woman. She’ll burn her bra and show you what's under it while she does it! That’s the best kinda feminism if you ask me.
- Muhammad Hassan gets put on a stretcher and taken to the nearest “medical facility” and not "hospital" because WWE for whatever reason will not ever say it. Oh no! There's a fire! Quick, someone call the Fire facility!
Mexicools w/ lawn mowers Vs. bWo w/ big wheels.
I wonder if Juvi is upset that he doesn’t get to have a cool nickname that conveys total and complete mental breakdown like his compadres Psicosis and Super Crazy. Oh well. At least he still has a nickname in "The Juice"; although I always thought would be a much more suitable nickname for Batista. But hey, what do I know.
With that said, they didn’t really give this one a lot of time, but it was decent for what we got. Juvi starts things off with Nova, who I've heard does the best impression of Simon Dean in the company. They should feud~! All kidding aside, You’d think for Nova they’d at least come up with a bandana that didn’t come flying off like three seconds into the match thus obliterating any and all kayfabe whatsoever. However, on second thought, even if they did, I’m sure the Hulkster would scoop them all up; you know, mainly due to the fact that Hulk has been in denial for 20 years that he now has a parking lot where his fucking hair used to be.
Anyway, Dean err NOVA I mean, works the bulk of this match, before making a hot (lukewarm, actually) tag to Richards, who then unloads the heavy artillery, before accidentally crotching himself, which allows Crazy to hit a springboard moonsault and Psicosis follow-up immediately with a big top-rope leg drop for the win. Blue Meanie didn't play much of a part in this thing at all.
Winners: The Mexicools, and NOT "D-Generation Ecstasy" as I'd have called them in honor of Juvi's Australian exploits a few years back. WWE clearly missed the boat here (But luckily the Mexicools didn't. God bless Immigration!).
Backstage, Rey Mysterio and son Dominick share a moment. They probably also share a dresser full of clothes, because I’ll be damned if Rey’s 8 YEAR OLD son isn’t only about two inches shorter than him. Hilarious.
Rey Mysterio w/ Dominick Vs. Eddie Guerrero w/ the necessary semen needed to father Rey’s son.
As we all know by now, Eddie revealed the “secret” anyway. He’s Dominick’s FATHER! SURPRISE~! Hey, what do you mean you had this shit figured out like 5 weeks ago?..... Anyway, apparently if you missed the follow-up SmackDown, Eddie eventually revealed that Rey-Rey “shoots blanks” from his “West Coast Cock” so Eddie had to impregnate some woman just so Rey could be a father. (Of course this still doesn’t explain Rey’s daughter, however). But for the record, we didn’t know this at this point so bear with me (although, let's face it, it wasn’t exactly too hard to figure out that Rey was infertile. I mean, after YOUR FUCKING EYES TURN COMPLETELY WHITE FOR NO REASON, chances are other shit might be fucked up in other places too....).
With that said, the stipulation for this match stated that if Eddie won, the secret would be revealed, while if Rey won, the secret would be safe and the Mysterio umm, Junior family could go off and live a happy, normal life of strangely swinging around objects and kicking people in the face.
Anyway, this was easily the best match of the night. Lots of near falls, and surprisingly, the crowd were partially behind Eddie. Well, fucking a ring-rat so you can give your best friend a family is an admirable trait. In fact, I always insist that my friends take any and all children I sire while screwing sleazy broads. They're just not as magnanimous as Rey. Come on, guys. I'M DOING YOU A FAVOR. GET WITH THE PROGRAM.
With that said, Eddie tries everything in his power to put away Rey, but nothing works. At one point Eddie even uses Dominick as a human shield, to which Tazz labels Eddie a “Friggin’ asshole”, which is hilariously nerdy. That gosh darned cocksucker.
Anyway, the finish sees Eddie pulverize Rey with the Three Amigos, then a brainbuster, before cockily climbing the ropes and crushing Rey with a frogsplash. However, Eddie takes too long to cover, and once he does, it’s lackadaisical so Rey quickly rolls Eddie over into a crucifix for the win! Yay! The secret is safe! Oh wait, no it’s not. Eddie tells it anyway 4 days later. I sure am glad I bought this show for the payoffs!!!!
Winner: Rey Mysterio. On EVERY level. All he has to do now is come back on Eddie for 8 years of child support. It’s genius. And besides, Rey needs to look on the bright side. He actually gets to have sex with his wife bare back any time he wants without ever having to worry about any more Mysterio junior, juniors popping out. He's a blessed man.
-JBL is interviewed backstage wearing an Uncle Sam outfit. He claims tonight “he’s willing to go where no man has ever gone before”. The genitalia of Rosey O’Donnell? Man, that Bradshaw is a far braver man than I!
Torrie Wilson w/ tig ol’ bitties Vs. Melina w/ tigger ol’ bitties: Bra and Panties match w/ Candice Michelle as referee.
The story behind this match (as if you cared) is that Melina wants to
EMBARRASS Torrie Wilson, and I guess she figured, what better way to humiliate a Playboy Playmate than to strip her of
her clothes! Hey wait.
The story behind this match (as if you cared) is that Melina wants to EMBARRASS Torrie Wilson, and I guess she figured, what better way to humiliate a Playboy Playmate than to strip her of her clothes! Hey wait.
Anyhoo, this match is exactly what you’d expect (bar the pantsless doctor showing up, and all three going to town on him while raunchy saxophone music suddenly starts playing) so I don’t think I really need to call it. Besides, if there was a technical term for forcefully ripping off someone’s pants, I’m sure Bradshaw would have coined it by now.
In a surprising note, Melina actually ends up winning here, ending Torrieberg’s streak in these things. Unbelievable. After the match though, Melina blindsides Candice, which leads to Torrie and Ms. Go Daddy stripping Melina of her clothes. No complaints here. Better than usual, but it needed more Shower room escapades like those 1970’s women’s prison movies if you ask me.
Winner: Everyone with a functioning root.
JBL w/ Orlando Jordan Vs. (C) Batista: World Heavyweight Championship at stake.
What do you get when you take two wrestlers who only have good matches when they’re carried by smaller, faster men, and who can only deliver anything remotely tolerable when there’s a bunch of shit to crash through or bust themselves open with? Answer: this match. Seriously, I don’t know whose great idea this was, but whoever it was should be punched right in the soul.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Batista, and I’m actually a big JBL fan, but the two have their weaknesses, and putting two limited guys who are virtually mirror images of one another into the same ring and expecting everything to be great, is the equivalent of casting Arnold and Sly in Shakespeare and expecting it to not be fucking comical. Since wrestling is predetermined, there’s really no excuse for really terrible pairings.
Anyway, the two tear into each other early, with Dave briefly controlling the tempo, but eventually JBL comes back with some offense of his own, most notably on the floor where he posts Batista, then hits an axe-handle off the announce table. Back inside, Batista rallies, but misses a corner charge. JBL then accidentally KO’s referee Nick Patrick with a shoulderblock gone awry. From there, Batista pulverizes JBL and looks to have things finished looking for the Batista-bomb, when Orlando Jordan and his out of control pubic-like head make the save with a chair. If I was DAVE I’d have had the foresight to see that run-in coming, and would have installed a giant strip of Velcro along the aisle entrance way. Be smart, DAVE. Anyway, OJ gets the referee, revives him, and Patrick makes the count- but DAVE still kicked out. JBL then hits the clothesline from Hell, but since DAVE no-sold a PEDIGREE last month (which as we all know now, is the equivalent of withstanding a 15 megaton Nuclear explosion) he kicks out. JBL then goes for another, while Patrick is still groggy, but Batista catches him with a spinebuster. DAVE then dumps Jordan out of the ring, and gets his hands on a steel chair (that OJ tried to bring in the ring) and wears out both JBL and Jordan with it….which of course is witnessed by a suddenly-healthy Nick Patrick, who disqualifies Batista. “I’ll take what would be the worst possible finish to an already shitty PPV for $400 , Alex.”
After the match, Batista gets his heat back by obliterating JBL and Jordan, and it almost makes me forget I spent 40 dollars on a show that ended up not delivering on any level. ALMOST.
Winner: JBL by DQ. Man. What a terrible match. If JBL truly is a wrestling GOD, clearly he's angry with us the same way the Heavenly Father was pissed at Sodom & Gomorrah. Only JBL chooses to punish us with an abysmal wrestling match instead of smiting a whole city. Lucky us.
Final Thoughts: Although there was several bright spots here and there, apparently, this was not a well received PPV on any level. Buyrates are looking grim, and it’s said that Vince himself was furious at the Main Event. But he should have known better than to book it. To me that's like shooting yourself in the face, then being pissed off when it actually hurts. But hey, whatever. At least it lived up to Michael Cole's hype of being a NEW SUMMERTIME TRADITION. It stunk just like it did last year! Finally, some truth in advertising!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).