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TNA 
FINAL RESOLUTION
2008
(01/06/08)
 
Welcome to the first TNA Pay Per View Recap of 2008! Where TNA will show us, the fans, what their direction for the rest of the year is. Let's hope it's better than last year. This is the first of many kind of on time recaps you can expect this year...please don't hurt me Sean.

That bit of protecting my job done, on with my trademark hilarity and it that got me voted both as fan's choice and staff choice writer of the year. It was so certain that I won that, that I feel I don't need to check up on it.

Dramatic hype video set to Ride of the Freakin' Valkyries. Awesome. They're silly, but I goddamn love the dramtic hype videos. I might quit my job recapping here if they ever stopped.

First wrestling match I watch all of this year is...

Rock and Rave Infection vs L.A.X

L.A.X match to start off my year. Definitely not a bad start. The feud's booking means that my first match of 2008 will probably have a screwy finish.

HUGE pop for L.A.X. It's almost as if the fans want to see a homegrown, talented team with a great gimmick.

Spinning armdrag on Homicide, goes running, and catches a belly-to-belly from Homicide. Hoyt in with a fallaway slam, and Hernandez is in. Trading shoulderblocks. Hotstuff takes Rave out, tossing Hoyt over the top, and as Homicide goes running, he catches a knee from Rave. Hernandez goes flying instead. Rave in the ring, being double teamed, to “This is awesome!” chants. Hoyt interrupts a Death Device, sending Hernandez out, and fall away slamming Homicide. Heels work Homicide, who I hesitate to call a face, but Hernandez springboard clotheslines both. Crackerjack on Rave. Something on Hoyt that I missed, and a rana from rave is turned into a sit out powerbomb. Moonsault on Hernandez by Hoyt, but Homicide headscissors Hoyt, and dives on him. Moonsault attempt, but Rave is crotched. SUPER BORDER TOSS and a clean finish! Great start to the year. Hoyt takes the tag team out, but is struck by a slapjack from female Latino member. Low blow on Hoyt, and Hemme low blows that person who's definitely not Ariel. Ariel throws her out, and strips off, much to the fan's excitement, revealing herself as a woman. And wow, her breasts are a bit big. Mike Tenay: “Now THAT's a reveal” Is it too early to nominate him for announcer of the year?

Winners: L.A.X, and my ears as Don West is finally silent.

I liked that as a start to the year. I wonder if the sensible booking will continue during the show?

Drinking game between Storm and Young. Crystal and J.B are backstage. They have to drink if they've done something before. James Storm starts with “seen Ms. Brooks naked.” Even Crystal drinks. Young keeps going for ridiculous things, like going to the moon and killing Lion's with his bare hands, and Storm drinks. Storm is also responsible for Detroit riots in 67. Best of 3 drinking series apparently. That was one of the silly skits that were actually fun. Crystal is here to interview Styles and Tomko with different clothes and hair than in the last skit. Styles hasn't made his choice yet. Video for the Kaz vs Black Reign match. Kaz needs to go over here.

Kaz vs Black Reign

When's Kaz going to get his title shot he won from Cage? Kaz quickly outspeeds Reign, and takes a dive on him. Reign whipes Kaz into the rail, and charges in, only to get moved out of the way. Fan asks for a high-5 with the biggest fucking grin in the world on his face. No high five from Kaz. Should have given him it, would've got a pop from me. Plus it'll get him a rep as being friendly to his fans, which helps guys get over.

Oh, shit, the match. Uh, well they went up the ramp a bit, and are back in the ring again. And Reign's in control. Kaz with strikes, but Reign blocks, hitting a lame S.T.O on Kaz. Resthold. Kaz starts to come back, but takes a knee. Stunner on Kaz gets 2. Resthold. Double clothesline spot, with Kaz jumping into it. Nice spot. Kicks and forearms finishing with a spinning heel kick from Kaz, followed by a float over spinning neckbreaker. Springboard DD gets two on Reign. I would've bought that as the finish. Spingboard legdrop misses, and Kaz is hit with the nuclear PEDIGREE! For two. Huh. Guess only Trips can get it right. Kaz hits a spinning cutter for three cleanly. Two clean finishes in a row on a TNA PPV? Good start to the year. Kaz puts Misty's cage on Reign's chest, walks around, remembers what he's supposed to do, picks it up and walks away.

Winner: Kaz

Backstage angle, where Karen goes to sort things out with AJ. Kurt tells J.B to follow his wife. I wonder if I can get men to ask me to stalk their wives if I ask nicely. It's make the whole thing much easier.

No DQ match for TNA Knockouts Title: Gail Kim vs Awesome Kong

This is probably the title match I'm most looking forward to. Music is drowning out the pop, which is a shame.

Kong lariats Kim out before she can even get into the ring, and goes for an awesome bomb through the table, only for Kim to fight back, before being charged into the apron. Kong chokes Kim with her boot, and throws Kim across the ring. Announcers talk about an “associate” of Kong's is in attendance. Despite a silent start, the crowd are now duelling chants for both wrestlers. Kim put up top, and starts fighting back, only for a spinning back fist to send her outside. Kim starts firing back, only for Kong to send her down. Kim grabbed by the legs and swung headfirst into the the rail, before throwing Kim into the crowd. Kim uses the stairs as extra height to deliver kicks to Kong. For every awesome female wrestling match, a bunch of tools will wolfwhistle. Kong chops Kim, who dodges a Kong charge, making her hit the wall. Series of kicks, and Kong is actually thrown over the rail, landing across the ramp. Double axe handle from Kim. Kong reverses the fortunes, after being thrown in the apron. Kong goes for a chair, but Kim dodges, kicking the chair into Kong's face, before going up for a plancha onto the outside on Kong. Kong catches Kim, slamming her, and a series of strikes in ring ends with a spinning back fist. Awesome bomb attempt, but Gail rolls through, fails to get her over for the pin, and Kong goes for a sit-down splash, only for Kim to dodge. Kong gets a series of stiff kicks, and goes off the top, only to be caught in a wheelbarrow facebuster. Which gets two to a huge pop. Kong hits the Better-Than Batista Bomb on the ref, before going out to get a chair, and deliver a shot to the ref. Gail Kim with a series of shots to topple Kong, Frog splash, and a new ref runs out, but not fast enough to make the count. Kong with a chokeslam for two. New ref lifted up for a powerbomb, but Kim rolls Kong up for three. Security pull Kim and Kong apart as they brawl.

Karen seduces Styles, while JB watches. Styles then rushes off to the bathroom.

Hype video for Abyss vs Judas Messias. Which is all a callback to the prison angle apparently. James Mitchell cuts a great promo, minus the fact that he calls Abyss Chris. It was lame when it first happened, it's still lame now.

Abyss vs Judas Mesias
Messias jumps Abyss before the bell,but Abyss starts with lariats, and hits a flapjack. Messias is clotheslined to the outside, and brawls with Abyss. Abyss throws Messias back in, but Messias crotches him on the post and throws it against the post. Back in the ring, Messias works the leg by holding it. No submission I recognise, and not in the good “oooh- haven't seen that one before” way. More in the “Why is Judas hugging the nice man's leg?” way. Abyss takes Messias down, and looks under the ring for his bag o' fun, but Mitchell has the bag, leading Abyss to chase after Mitchell. Messias takes this chance to jump Abyss, throwing his knees into the steps. Messias up top and jumps into Abyss's waiting hand. Chokeslam avoided, but Messias gets thrown into the corner anyway. Side slam on Messias, and Abyss goes outside, grabbing a chair. Maybe Abyss has been booked in so many hardcore matches, he just assumes every match is? Abyss props chair in corner, and ref fails to unwedge it. Messias uses the break to attack Abyss, who whips him into the corner, where Messias leapfrogs to avoid the chair, but as he goes down, Abyss kicks him in the crotch. Ref doesn't care. Abyss throws Messias into chair. Ref doesn't care. Mitchell out with a bigger bag, and Abyss gets a barbed wire chair. Ref takes it away, and other chair is used on Abyss while the ref is looking away. Frogsplash follows for two, and as Messias goes charging in, he takes a Black Hole Slam. Mitchell distracts the ref however, and as Abyss goes for the chokeslam, he gets misted. Mitchell is pushed into the ref, and Messias hits Abyss with his finsiher on the barbed wire chair, for three. Abyss won't tell the secret, and Mitchell promises Abyss that boys who lie will burn in hell, bringing gasoline out, and giving it to Messias to pour on Abyss. Security stops the fire, but doesn't actually take the heels away. That's like police taking the serial killer's favourite knife away from you before he stabs you, but leaving you with him anyway.

Winner: Judas Messias

Crystal is backstage with Nash, who cuts a good promo. See TNA: THIS is who you use the guy. He has charisma and presence. He also has NO place in the ring. He was a bad worker in his prime, which was about 15 years ago.

Hype for Booker/Sharmell vs Robert Roode/Ms. Brookes.

Booker T cuts an intense promo. Because when you let the guy be a bad ass, he's really good at it.

Roode and Brookes, who apparently everyone except me has seen naked. That might have to be rectified. Stalker fan in building. Just about every fan roughly in the vicinity of the ramp sticks their hands out.

Booker T and Sharmell vs Robert Roode and Tracy Brooks

Men start us off, and Roode ducks out of the ring and walks around to “Bullshit” chants. Booker and Roode start to fight with chops and kicks, and Booker has the advantage. Roode ducks out of a suplex, and kicks Booker in the gut. DDT on Booker gets two. Booker hits a side kick on Roode, followed by a leg lariat. Knees from Booker, but Roode comes back with shots of his own, before hitting a dropkick for two. Brooks tells Roode that she won't cheat for him, and is sent back, but eventually pulls Booker's legs out from under him. Roode backbreakers Booker T, and puts in a chinlock. Booker gets hung over the top ropes, and is thrown into the apron. Booker put in the ring,for two, and another chinlock. Roode up in top with a missile dropkick for two. Don West tries to put the dropkick over as a legit finish. Brooks slaps Booker, and looks really unhappy about it. Roode holds Booker up for a second one, but Brooks won't do it. Brookes and Roodes make contact in the ring, and Hebner calls it a tag. Catfight, and a brawl between the men. Roll up by Sharmell for three.

Winners: Booker T and Sharmell

Roode berates Brookes, who slaps him. Leading to Roode attacking her in the corner. Sharmell runs in to save, and gets hit with an elbow from Roode. Booker rushes the ring as Roode jumps ship. Everyone sells the elbow like death, to the point of DW checking if she's ok. Which shuts him up. MEDICS help Sharmell to the back. She took a fucking elbow. Maybe next PPV, Booker could have a singles match?

Crystal starts the Cage interview by talking about the Sharmell elbow bump. Christian brushes it off “Sure, it's a tragedy. On to me, I'm the real star here” Fantastic promo by Christian Cage. I'm going to stop saying that soon. It's like saying Joe hits you hard.

Tenay tells us that they'll try to get an update on Sharmell's condition. An elbow. That's all it was. You saw two women beat each other with chairs earlier tonight. That did a lot of damage to the women being portrayed as evens in drawing power and wrestling talent we saw earlier tonight.That said, it's pure comedy. I kind of want them to do an angle where they build to Sharmell's big injury return.

Drinking contest stuff. Young takes the second round. Oh, it was last night. Explaining the different clothes.

Hype for Ultimate X

Ultimate X 6 man tag for possesion of the X Division Title Team 3D/Johnny Devine vs MCMG/Jay Lethal

Apparently, being hit in the forehead, by an elbow can cause jaw problems.

Ray promo. Babyfaces run out and start to kick the heels around on the outside, before 3D get back against MCMG and set a table up. Powerbomb set up, but Lethal stops the move. Shelley starts climbing, but the injured hand stops him. Sabin has the same result. Machismo with an axe handle smash. Devine takes Lethal down and hits a Death Valley Driver. Guns each grab one of Devine's legs as he climbs and swing him down. Comedy heels are played by 3D, as they try to jump up, with neither able to take the other's weight for the boost. Sabin with dropkick on D-Von, but Ray tosses him out of the ring. Machismo gets on the wire and taunts Ray, who was attempting a climb. Lethal falls, and Ray misses a top rope elbow. Devine starts taking it to Lethal, and Shelley stops the climb. Springboard DDT on Devine. Ray avoids a Shelley tope. Kendo stick shot to Shelley's hands. D-Vn wlaks on Bubba's shoulders across the wires, but Shelley superkicks Ray, making Ray fall. Ray tries the same spot with Devine, but Lethal gets a headscissors on him. Ray lariats Lethal. Ladder gets set up by 3D, but the Guns get a double enzuiguri on both members. Devine with kendo stick shots on Shelley and Sabin. Devine climbs, but Sabin pushes the ladder over, as Devine bounces off the tables that are set up, making the spot look that much sicker. 3D on Sabin, Lethal jumps up, but has the ladder thrown into him, and the ladder is then used for 3D to climb and grab the title.

Losers: Any push for the X-Division

Hype video for Samoa Nash vs Styles and Tomko

Joe cuts a good promo, where he talks in an extremely gay way about Kevin Nash. Not as awesome as Joe on the mic usually is.

TNA Tag Title Samoa Nash vs Styles and Tomko
Joe and Styles start us off, and it's too quick to catch in a write up. Joe solves this problem by tagging Nash in. And now it's slow. Crappy slam, whip, two missed clotheslines by Nash, and AJ works the knee. Tomko is in, who punches Nash a bit. Clubbing forearm from Nash, and a knee in the corner. Again, and a pair of elbows in the corner. Lariat by Tomko gets two. Tomko works the knee. Styles tagged in, and sentons onto the knee. Tomko in, and Nash catches a charging Tomko with a side slam. Joe and Styles in, and Joe dominates Styles, and Samoa drops Tomko before throwing him into Nash's big boot. T-Bone suplex on Tomko, and Styles dropkicks Joe. Tomko chops in the corner. Joe with shots on Styles, but a charge gets a high dropkick. Joe kicks out, and Tomko comes into the ring and gets a short arm clothesline. Chinlock. Joe chant starts, and Joe fights out with elbows. Joe goes charging and eats an elbow. Which manages not to kill him. Styles is in, with an indian deathlock. Tomko in, trading shots with Joe. Styles in, and shots on Joe. Forearm trading and a punch from Joe send AJ sprawling. Tomko distracts Joe while Styles goes up for a top rope rana, but Joe catches him with a powerbomb. Tomko pushes Nash off the apron, but Joe snap slams him. Nash calls Joe over for the tag, and drops off the apron, does a crotch chop and walks of.Joe fights both men off, and goes for a musclebuster on Tomko. Styles interrupts, and is thrown by Joe. Jumping kick on Tomko, and a musclebuster on Styles, which Tomko breaks up. Double teams on Joe, and a Power Down for the three count.

Winners: Styles and Tomko

Final round of the drinking contest. Storm shills his own merchandise. Yung suggests that he chug Tennesse whiskey. And jackie Moore flashes Eric Young, who drinks so much he falls over.

Winning that gives Storm his choice of match against Young at the next Pay Per View. How about a wrestling match? I'd like to see that. Angle cuts a decent promo.

Christian looks like he's face turning from this, looking at the hype video.

TNA World Title match Kurt Angle vs Christian Cage

Gotta love Cage. Pretty much the only guy consistently booked strongly.

Usually mixed response from fans is not at all mixed here. Nothing here but a big face pop, while Angle gets a big heel reaction, with a few cheers.

Tie-up and Angle is pushed into the corner. “Instant Classic” chant starts up. Quick exchange and Cage is brought to the mat where he crawls to the ropes. Christian charge is met with a belly to belly hold, but Cage avoids, and both men pace each other. Angle takes Cage down, and applies a side headlock. Angle goes running and catches a flapjack variant, and Angle is posted. Unprettier is avoided by Angle, who applies another headlock. Christian stops it, and sends Angle through the middle ropes to the outside. Cage poses, and Angle goes out, kicking the guardrail in frustration. Both men stare down and slap each other before exchanging shots Christian sends Angle onto the ropes, and hits a modified dropkick onto Angle sending him outside. Christian takes an amazing leap onto the outside. Back into the ring, but nt for long as Angle suplexes Cage over the ropes. Christian thrown into the ring, and Angle starts kicking away at Cage. Slam on Cage gets two. Front facelock on Cage. Cage powers out and goes running, but takes a knee. Waistlock on Christian Cage, who scores elbows on Kurt and goes running, but is caught with a belly to belly suplex. Christian ducks out of the ring for a breather, and Karen angle slaps him. Back in the ring, Christian in a bodyscissors. “This is wrestling” chant from the fans. Cage gets a sleeper, and a beautiful armdrag gets two. Christian goes up, but Angle back body drops him from the top. Brilliant elevation on a moonsault by Angle which gets two. DDT out of nowhere gets two for Christian, and both men are down. Christian in control with strikes, an inverted DDT, and goes up top for a frogsplash. Frogsplash misses, and Angle gets two. German suplexes, three of them. Straps down, Angle Slam, Cage floats over into a Unprettier, that gets twisted into an Ankle lock, Christian stays in for a while, and teases tapping, before sending Angle into the ropes and rolling him up, Angle rolls through for 2. Christian gets up to the top, but takes a Belly to Belly from the top. Ankle lock on Christian, who fights out, before slapping a Texas cloverleaf on. That's one of the best submission's in the business. Unprettier turned into an Angle slam, into a quick roll up. Christian goes up top, Angle goes for the Spiderman suplex, but Christian bites on his head and psuhes him down. Frogsplash gets two. Ref lookingaway, and Angle gets a low blow. Angle slam for a two. Crowd pops huge. Christian hits the Unprettier, crowd count along, and boo loudly at the kick out. Great example of a crowd being hot improving an already great match. Karen distracts Angle, as Christian locks on the Angle Lock, where Angle taps. AJ helps the ref take Karen away, and they hug. Christian goes back to the match, big smile on his face. Styles hits a springboard forearm smash, allowing Angle to hit the Angle slam on Christian for three.

Winner: Both men.

The match was booked in a way that had fantastic psychology, and helped both men get over,while building the feud. The crowd were hot as hell for the match, and in my opinion the two had each of their best individual main events they've had in TNA there. Better than Bound For Glory for my money.

TNA Recapmeister Neil Cathan signing off from a fantastic Pay Per View. Be sure to check out Cameron recapping RAW with his veteran skills, Bullfrog's return, where he's just as great as he was when he left, Charley Martin's TNA endurance run, where he puts up with two episodes of iMPACT for you. That's sacrifice. Anthony Dean bravely survives the Coal&Cole combo on Fridays (My first politically incorrect joke, I feel like a real member of the site now), Catherine Perez is the best thing on this site yet again, and if you haven't read her article already, I'm ashamed of you, and last but not least (Though his brand certainly is) James Swift recapping ECW.

 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).