SPECIAL NOTE BY SEAN CARLESS: Welcome to the 85th ANNUAL FANNY AWARDS - a return to what we do best here at TheWrestlingFan.com: POSTING OLD COLUMNS AND MAYBE SOME TV REVIEWS ON SHOWS YOU DON'T EVEN WATCH ANYMORE. Err, I mean, scathing year-end fare designed solely to offend, bemuse, and hopefully even sicken - if only a little bit. (And trust me, it's coming.). It contains foul language, perverse sexual situations, and humor that will likely deeply disturb many. Hell, this year, it even contains a photoshop that will not only HAUNT YOUR DREAMS, but may, in actuality, lead you to never again regaining consciousness. Even Freddy Krueger puked, and normally nothing fazes that guy.

That said, you may have noticed an all new look here, and that can be entirely attributed to CATHERINE PEREZ, a woman who, after weeks of painstakingly redesigning & repairing my HTML blunderfucks, decided to take the reins here at TWF from me for the time being, and usher TWF back to its prior glory and cult status - a time when you first remembered being offended, rather than just being kindly reminded with a re-post. That's right, in the coming weeks, new satires will be made; new columns AND columnists added; a veritable new direction of ridiculousness will abound. I too will be trying my best to get my creative juices flowing again (and whatever other one's that may accidentally spill out). It will be like one big "We Are The World" 1980's sing-along, only with more allusions to ass fucking and jacking off. (or any.).

With that in mind, I'd like to thank my good friend Blade Braxton for helping a brother out and contributing to the madness, as well as those first-timers here who'll be popping their Fanny cherry, and holy shit that sounds horrible. Even from me. And as you'll see, I apparently forfeited my soul entirely with my submissions this year. I'd like to apologize now to those families I may have offended. But not really.

So yes, your pleas have been heard! (bar, "Please let me out of this wine cellar! I promise I won't tell anyone what you did!"). WE ARE BACK! So let's get to the festivities. LET'S GET TO THE 85th ANNUAL FANNY AWARDS!

1.) THE FALSE FINISH. This is the award that honors one star, saying "I can't fucking believe he/she lived another year."
Nominees:
Mae Young, Scott Hall, Jake Roberts, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Hulk Hogan, Kurt Angle, Sabu.


Sean Carless: Maybe Undertaker? I don't know; dude's always getting buried alive or set on fire anyway, so it's bound to stick sooner or later. And how awkward will THAT legit funeral be one day? You just know that half the people there will be waiting for the lightning bolt to hit the casket and reanimate the fucker, while another guy will probably just grab a nearby urn from the office and try to bring him back that way. It'll just be too ridiculous to even fathom. I mean, Hell, they'll probably even claim that the resident Mortician rolled Taker into his coffin BY HIMSELF - but as we all know, it usually takes at least 12 dudes, in their underwear, after a series of finishers, to finally get this guy into a box. And don't even get me started on the cremation services that first see someone hack holes in the casket with a pick-axe and then pour gasoline into the openings.

I JUST DON'T BUY IT.

My real choice, though, is Hulk Hogan; a man seemingly bound and determined to prove Gorilla Monsoon a liar after he dare declare Hulk's immortality at Wrestlemania 6. That's right, according to A&E special "Finding Hulk Hogan" - and how hard would that be? Not too many 300 pound orange dudes walking around in Speedos & boas these days - Hulk revealed that he was indeed contemplating suicide; and after giving thought to the exciting video-game inspired Luchador, he even thought of offing himself. (I imagine the suicide note went something like this: "When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside..."). Apparently the only thing that stopped him, though, was that the noose he fashioned from old yellow t-shirts kept tearing. How ironic. And complete lies on my part.

But hey, just because I think Hulk might soon be addressing God, in person, finally, as "the big man upstairs", and then finding out how much he probably hates that, it doesn't mean I want to see it. Quite the contrary. That's the worst thing that could happen to WWE's edit team EVER, and thus the DVDs I buy, since they convinced us Flair's stable was called the Three Horsemen in 1996...

Gorilla Monsoon at Wrestlemania 6: "Hulkamania will indeed live for... approximately 20 more years until taking its own life."

See? Not the same. (Although, in this case, with the Hogans, and unlike Benoit, I'm sure the company and the world might forgive one family annihilation...)


Catherine Perez: Man, did you guys see Mae Young challenge Layla and Michelle to a match recently? Not since Bret Hart's return have I been so frightened for the well-being of the elderly. Will someone please get that poor woman a fucking Hoveround so I don't get the heebie-jeebies every time she does so much as lean forward? I have a grandma; I know the horrors that follow the forward lean. Aside from all that, I vote for Hulk Hogan. He just recently had a rod shoved up his ass to straighten his back out! And with the, um, shocking (?) revelation that he contemplated suicide after Linda squeezed every penny out of his bank account like they were fresh Florida oranges, I guess it's not long before Hulk seeks out a way to body slam himself off this mortal coil.


Blade Braxton: I would, as always, say that Mae Young is the top candidate for this award. However, I refuse to believe that walking, c-word spewing corpse that looked like Mae Young on Raw this year actually had a pulse. Therefore, I'm going for a first-timer this year, Hulk Hogan. He seemed to fall apart faster in 2010 than the space shuttle Challenger.


Derek Burgan: This might be the toughest of all categories because of a gigantic pile up at the top. Would anyone have been surprised had Matt Hardy had choked to death on a grape? Would it make the headline of the Observer had The Charismatic Enigma had gone up with his trailer in a meth lab explosion? Has Superstar Billy Graham had every single organ in his body replaced yet? I'd have to imagine the people behind the Darwin Awards wouldn't even believe half the stories about wrestlers. Hogan probably should have died of embarrassment during the Hasselhoff Roast, but my pick for the category is going to be VERNE GAGNE. I have a little experience with people being moved into the memory care units because of Alzheimer's and it can rapidly speed up the end of their life. Throw in that Verne's actions helped kill another patient and you have to think Gagne is being kept mostly away from other people, which again would in theory have a massive negative impact on his life.


Joe Merrick: Is it not kinda ironic that Roberts has outlived many species of reptile? It's probably actually gonna take a meteor to finish this pickled fucker off.


Cameron Burge: Is it that time of year again? The time when we all sit around and make fun of some dying old fart "HAHA I'M YOUNG FUCK YOU!" ...Good! I love doing that! Would you believe that until I read the nominees here, I actually though Jake the Snake was dead. He sure looks dead. Still, I'm going to go ahead and give this award to Mae Young who I'm surprised didn't shatter both her hips in just walking out to challenge LayCool to that "match" that I never want to see nor think of ever again for fear that I will burst into fire and start tearing my eyes out with my bare fucking hands. I feel like I can see worms who have showed up early for the party wriggling around under her skin, and if that mental image disturbs you than just remember to picture her in that stupid bathing suit wrestling outfit and you'll be screaming and rolling on the ground in pain soon enough, but at least you won't be thinking about the worms anymore. Which is really worse? You decide.


Esben Evans: Scott Hall. That man is seriously a medical marvel that has astounded doctors for years and made them go “WHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!?”. He has single handedly proven that you can survive with pure grain alcohol substituting blood and it’s amazing that he’s survived another year when there’s a huge risk of him combusting into flames when standing too close to a heat source due to him perspiring vodka and his breath being extremely flammable...in other words, he’s a huge fucking drunk.


Canadian Bacon: Prolly Batista, since he's an animal and they don't tend to live 2 long and such. most of the time, though, you can just go to the pet store and replace them with something identical, but prolly not batista because where ru gonna find another guy just like him? Oh.


Andariel Halo: That guy, with the drug thing, and the championships. You know the one. WWE guy, really. Kind of a fan favorite guy, but now tons of people hate him. Mmmm, OH YEAH, CM Punk. He best watch out for 2011, he might get shanked by a Hardy boy.


Anthony Dean: This is probably going to be a pretty popular answer, but for a (team) extremely good reason, JEFF HARVEY. Not necessarily because of all the police raids and mysterious fires that seem to plague his harem of sketchy double-wides in the North Carolina woods, but more for just trying to get by on a TNA salary, especially with his rockstar lifestyle of artistically building towering obelisks of trash in the front yard and goin' muddin, not to mention his mounting legal fees and perennially-impending drug charges. I remember reading recently on reslezone a resler was quoted as saying the average TNA midcarder makes less than $500 a match before taxes, and that's without covering the hotel or health insurance. And since as far as I can tell TNA's latest strategy to save money is to book all their wrestlers really poorly so the fans will lose interest in them and their stock will go down and management won't have to pay them as much, it's really only a matter of time before Jeff's down to scrutinizingly combing through all the probably mismatched carpet in his trailer for some stray bits and crumbs of anything that will numb the pain of stark mediocrity. So, yeah. Pretty good chance that the next great wrestling scandal will involve starving wrestlers. If science could just find a way to make somas more nutritious or even a legitimate source of food, everyone's problems would be solved. Or severely compounded. No one's a fortune teller so all that's really up for speculation.


"Great" Scott: Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Yup, old Jake lasted another year. I don’t know how he manages to shuffle on this mortal coil while we’ve lost the likes of Test, Curt Hennig, and Rick Rude. Honorable mentions go to Scott “Alka” Hall, The Iron Sheik, and Mae Young, who I didn’t even know was still alive until they trotted her out for the RAW WWF edition they had a month or so ago.


The Sixth Child: Every year I give the same answer: Mae (not so) Young. But this category has become kinda redundant seeing that a lot of wrestlers can’t even make it past the age of 50; Chris Kanyon (40), Luna Vachon (48), Giant Gonzalez (44) and Lance Cade (29) among others. But Mae just keeps on going like the Energizer Bunny; a shrivelled, barely mobile Energizer Bunny.


2.) YER FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Best instance of a company giving some fuck-up his walking papers.
Nominees:
Tommy Dreamer, Eric Escobar, Hurricane Helms, Charlie Haas, Lance Cade, Mickie James, Shelton Benjamin, Funaki (!!!), Carlito, Serena, Matt Hardy, MVP, Kaval, Bubba the Love Sponge, Scott Hall.


Sean Carless: Most are going to likely pick Matt Hardy; a man who allegedly feigned insanity/healthy eating just to get out of his WWE contract so he can join TNA; and thus reunite with his brother, Jeff, before he himself debuts at a new kind of LOCKDOWN: the kind where three hundred pound black guys who look like John Coffey rape you until your dead - only without the neat ability to siphon your pain and disease into his own immense body. But that's not my choice. My actual choice is Bubba the Love Sponge. A man who was punched in the face by Awesome Kong, en route to getting fired by TNA, and then losing his radio gig a couple of weeks ago as well. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy that I actually have no idea as to who he is, and only chose because I couldn't think of anyone else.

Special mention: Serena's breasts and the diva attached to them. I was hoping they'd at least reveal that CM Punk was a fraud, and secretly transporting bootlegged whisky in the confines of her chest. You know, a whole throwback to his gangster persona at Wrestlemania 22, and finally, a practical explanation for my insatiable urge to tap her.


Catherine Perez: FUNAKI! FIRED! Egads, man. Honestly, though, I can't fucking believe Scott Hall was brought back to TNA, let alone long enough to get canned again. This year, though, my heart tells me to choose Bubba the Love Sponge. It's good to know that TNA realized that this guy totally outlived his usefulness after Mick Foley put that mighty fine pimp hand of his to good use and slapped the love right out of the Sponge. It truly was a sight to behold. Not that TNA deserves any kind of praise here, especially after they shitcanned Awesome Kong in favor of a guy who was giving Eric Bischoff himself a run for his money in the Little Mr. Smug Shit Pageant. In the end, Bubba got his face smacked twice, fired from TNA, his radio show cancelled in Miami, and then fired from his satellite radio gig. Awesome Kong? Reportedly moving on to greener pastures with WWE. I'm sure there's some kind of beautifully appropriate Chinese proverb that I can finish this with, but there's about 30 more categories to go and all I can think of is "Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day."


Blade Braxton: Matt Hardy. With all the steroid/pain pill deaths on the WWE's watch, it's a good idea that the WWE released him before they had a huge, controversial in-ring Type-2 diabetes death scandal on their hands.


Derek Burgan: WWE gets this one easy for not only having the balls to get rid of one of it's biggest draws in Jeff Hardy, but then allowing CM Punk to come out after the fact and bury Jeff ten feet under afterwards, leading to one of the more jaw dropping moments of 2010 with an Out Of His Mind "Jeffrey" Hardy shooting an internet promo on Punk. WWE has often turned the other head to flashing red lights if those people happened to be bringing in a lot of money, but this time the Main Event Ten Strikes policy finally worked.


Joe Merrick: Ok seriously because I've not followed wrestling...at ALL lately some of these are a bit of a shock. I mean, MVP was actually talented, popular, AND black. I'm gonna go with Dreamer, because the man has, like the rest of ECW, reduced his legacy to a pathetic gimmick and the less seen of him the better.


Cameron Burge: Poor Funaki was on his way to winning a Stevie Richards award too. That's too bad. This award is well-earned by everyone's favorite racist, Bubba the Love Sponge. Well, he's not my favorite racist, that would be Walt Disney, oh you lovable Jew-hater. Bubba had this coming, and it's almost amazing he survived as long as he did in a world where the slightest racial slip up usually results in instant pariah status as if you were Kramer. I'm glad to see him gone, and by see him gone, I mean I would see him gone if I ever actually watched TNA's crappy show.


Esben Evans: Heeey, what do you know, TNA actually made a good decision, firing Scott Hall was a thumbs up from me...well, of course they had to make that decision after hiring the guy for the 3rd time...fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times HOLY FUCK GET IT ALREADY, HE’S A FUCK UP!! I mean did it really surprise anyone that he got arrested for being drunk and disorderly? That’s basically a description of the last 13-15 years for him.


Canadian Bacon: Prolly that Lance Cade who also got released from living. Man. he can't do anything right.


Andariel Halo: Remember that time Ken Kennedy broke his hand or whatever, missed a load of time, then came back, braggadosed to the media about steroids and made himself look a fool, got caught using steroids and suspended, came back and got injured, then came back and got shitcanned for supposedly almost breaking Randy Orton in a botched move? Yeah, for this year I pick Mike Knox.


Anthony Dean: Gonna go out on a limb and say Carlito. I thought he was an alright guy, but he failed my ultimate litmus test for determining whether a midcarder has true main-eventing SUPERSTAR potential – I had a really hard time conceivably getting the belt on him in General Manager Mode on Smackdown vs Raw. I don't know if it's because I'm so brainwashed by the WWE telling me some guys are inherently shit by giving some wrestlers like Cena and Triple H the ability to pin 90% of the roster in under six minutes or what, but I will say that I've taken Braden Walker to an eight-month long world title reign and every match of it was loved by both the virtual in-game audience and the much more critical audience in my head that's basically just me with my voice running down all the things I do and making myself feel like shit. Just saying. But with Carlito, no matter what I did it always seemed so bullshitty. There was just nothing I could do to make him legit. But if you're wondering, and we both know you are so you can go ahead and quit faking that uninterested scowl, I did finally find a way to get the world title on him, but only after putting him in charge of a stable, Carlito's Crew, an islander/pseudo-pirate stable consisting of Carlito, Paul Burchill, Umaga, and former tanned diva Amy Giovanni, and all their wins were riddled with swashbuckling craftiness and blatant cheating. I have a very old edition of Smackdown vs Raw, you caught me. Anyway. Probably didn't lose any future PPV buys by cutting Carlito loose is all I'm trying to say.


"Great" Scott: Vance Archer. The funny part of this firing is that Vance (or Lance, if you’d like me to get all smark on you), thinks WWE “dropped the ball” with him. Ummm, yeah, I’m sure the WWE won’t be able to find another tall guy with a Grizzly Adams beard with a limited move set and no mic skills whatsoever. You been watching NXT lately, Lance?


The Sixth Child: Did Goldberg actually spear Donald Trump in the boardroom after being fired from “The Apprentice”? No? Damn.
I’m gonna go with Bubba the Love Sponge. Tweeting “Fuck Haiti” after one of the worst natural disasters in recent memory isn’t “shooting from the hip”, Bubba. It’s called being a monumental douche. The other parting gift other than his walking papers was Awesome Kong handing his ass to him on a silver platter, but it was a damn shame that she was the next to go as a result.


3.) POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR. Backstage maneuvering should be rewarded in year-end awards, just like it's rewarded in real life.
Nominees:
The corporate sponsor that got Daniel Bryan fired in June, Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, Michelle McCool/The Undertaker, Vince McMahon, Richard Blumenthal.


Sean Carless: Definitely not Linda McMahon! AMIRITE?! Nudge*Nudge.

But seriously, for me, it has to be the respective trifecta of Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan & Vince Russo. A trio, who combined, embody the captain of the Titanic having somehow jumped off the ship before impact (HIYO), surviving, and then getting a new liner ten years later - only to again steer it right toward another iceberg. (Glacier's Jewish cousin). WHAT IS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?


Catherine Perez: Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff without a doubt. Now that Hogan's wrestling career is over forever, what with the back surgery and all, I think he and Bisch will find that a transition into American politics would be as smooth as a baby's ass. How they managed to turn TNA into a second-rate WCW in only one year's time is beyond me. Everywhere they go turns into WCW! These two remind me of Bucky Taylor from Rocko's Modern Life, only with less bathrooms and more WCW (quite the reference, eh?). Big ups to Michelle McCool for getting to carry half a title belt and being recognized as "co-champion", even when Layla was the sole official champ. I mean, you never saw Triple H carrying half a World Heavyweight Championship strap around ever. Michelle is definitely breaking new ground in terms of backstage politicking, and she'll probably be my winner in the 2011 Fannys if she keeps it up!


Blade Braxton: I have been a part of WrestleCrap.com for the last eight years. A part of me finds perverse pleasure in watching shitty wrestling of days gone by. Sadly, my VCR broke down this year, and I was unable to get my nostaglia fix. Thanks to Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan conning the Carter family, I was able to see WCW Thunder in HD on Spike on Mondays/Thursdays!


Derek Burgan: This award may be named the Eric Bischoff Award for his years of politician service. 2010 Bisch takes the cake though as he not only swindled Dixie Carter into giving himself and Hogan sweetheart deals with TNA while clearly having nothing in the creative tan, but took his cohort in crime Jason Hervey and got SPIKE TV to foot the bill for a TV show whose ratings dropped even faster than TNA Impact. In a world in which good shows like Lonestar get dropped after two shows when people look at the ratings, can anyone explain how TNA Reaction got months despite consistent ratings that showed even the most diehard TNA Wrestling fans didn't want a third hour of wrestling THAT HAD NO WRESTLING? That's a politician in rare form.


Joe Merrick: Honestly, can this really be anyone other than Hogan? Dude is like the Galactus of entertainment, he rears his giant ugly head, then some hours later, everything you once knew and loved is flooding out of his asshole. That's what Galactus did right? Poop planets? ALL HAIL GALACTUS, SHARTER OF WORLDS. Either way, the guy could win the lifetime achievement award in this category, no contest.


Cameron Burge: Tough category here. I'm gonna say Vince McMahon scores this one. He's giving us some real winners this year, but I think what we'll all remember him for is the Stand up for WWE fiasco that was just plain ludicrous and thankfully seems to have faded into the same background noise as the Million Dollar Belt, Katie Vick and other things we never talk about and never will again. Here's a guy that managed to put himself over Bret Hart several times in their "feud" embarrassed a seemingly off-his-medication Roddy Piper and managed to appear both in the ring and in a coma in consecutive weeks, throwing all semblance of story continuity out the window. Despite not being a character on the show most of the year, it's surprising to think just how much he's still been on Raw! I have to wonder if maybe Stand Up for WWE wasn't a very clever ploy to sabotage Linda (as if she needed help there) and make sure he remains top dog. We'll never know.


Esben Evans: That guy that got Daniel Bryan fired. Thank god for justice in the end, but how the FUCK he got a wrestler fired for doing exactly what was asked of him, that’s pretty smooth politicking. Granted, Bryan got re-hired and a nice little push on top of that, but this move almost completely derailed all the momentum that the invasion angle had generated...allow WWE to fuck it up for themselves after having created something good.


Canadian Bacon: the evil taskmaster sean Carless and his faggoty mop of hair. he's been holding me down for years, and not in that gay way you see in movies. (there's no such thing in real life as a homosexual.)


Andariel Halo: Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan for swindling Dixie Carter out of her own wrestling company. I ain't talking about the storyline.


Anthony Dean: Whoever in TNA that finally made the decision to stop giving Kevin Goddamn Nash a paycheck. Sure, the savings from that will probably just go straight to a Brutus Beefcake run or some downright eye-gouging shit like that, but Christ. Nash has pretty much been a regular in TNA for the better part of this decade. I'm not saying older veterans can't play a role on tv, but they put that motherfucker in matches. Payperview matches, mostly. You can't work around a guy like Nash for that long, you just can't do it. They say a great wrestler is supposed to be able to have a good match with any opponent, but even Ric Flair, who could hyperboliously make a believable contender out of a broomstick, could in no way ever do shit to help out a seven foot tall broomstick that is liable to collapse at any moment with a serious injury due to no observable reason and is physically unfit to compete in a match where he cannot tag out to somebody at any given moment when he decides he needs to catch a criminally long breather. That's just asking too much of anyone.


"Great" Scott: Michelle McCool/Undertaker. When you can get the WWE to create a belt just for you (and your name isn’t Ted DiBiase, Sr.), you must have some serious pull backstage (or you’re using your mouth to seriously pull at the 70-year-old wang of one of the WWE’s biggest draws). I wouldn’t mind if Michelle McCool had something to offer, but she’s a skinny redneck trying to pull off being a smoking hot diva…a roll that pretty much should’ve went to Maryse. Neither Michelle nor Maryse is great in the ring, but at least I don’t shrivel up down there when I hear Maryse’s voice.

In related news, I hear that if Michelle stays married to `Taker for three years, she’ll get a run at the United States championship. It’s true!


The Sixth Child: Hulk Hogan. If his entrance into TNA wasn’t “political” enough, his subtle line of t-shirts certainly were.
Fine, he’s the biggest name in professional wrestling history. I get that. And I’ll admit I was close to completely marking out when he and Bischoff debuted saying “what’s past is past; we’re looking to the future”. But when TNA was absolutely destroyed by WWE in the Monday Night War-that-never-was (see #14), he used it as an excuse to go back to his old ways and have the show completely revolve around him (see #23). Another steaming pile of status quo... bruther.


4.) STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE. (Wrestler who's gained the most weight.)
Nominees:
Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, the Nasty Boys, Tyson Tomko(~!), Ted DiBiase, Sr., Mike Tyson, Samoa Joe, Mickie James.


Sean Carless: Husky Harris - or as he'll likely be known next year: unemployed HUSKIER HARRIS. See, because he's only going to get fatter or something. All I know is, until Brodus Clay showed up, he seemed to be the only person not Mark Henry in WWE who was allowed to be fat. Who does this guy think he is, Stephanie McMahon or something? Can we soon look forward to seeing his matches, where camera-men (who only exist when trouble's not going down) are readily instructed to only film him from the neck up? Maybe? Or Maybe, IRS, his father, should have, just, umm, "audited" all the food in the house? Although, last time he himself was on camera, Irwin was looking a little thick in the middle, too, so who knows. What's in that briefcase anyway? Little Debbie snack-cakes? His last name is ROTUNDO, you see. His ancestors must have coined that name for a reason ... and then ate the guy who wrote it down. And hell, come to think of it, old Money Inc. tag team partner, Ted DiBiase Sr. has blown up quite a bit , too. WHO KNEW COMMUNION WAFERS WERE SO HIGH IN CALORIES. Although, we were always told in church that they're the body of Christ. HOW MANY CHRISTS HAS THIS GUY BEEN EATING?

And how about Matt Hardy, eh? -- well, umm, the only reason he can dry up a sea is because that's how much water he needs to wash down his meals! That's right.

And brother, Jeff? I THOUGHT HEROIN WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU THINNER? Icing sugar and cocaine do kind of look alike, though.

Oh, and how about that Tyson Tomko? More like TYSON DINNERS, RIGHT, GUYS?! Right?
There you go. A full gamut of fat mockery because apparently I'm incapable of picking on just one target, and you all expect me to be an asshole anyway. Fuck you all.


Catherine Perez: What do you mean Mike Tyson doesn't count? He was on WWE TV this past year; of course he counts~! Regardless, I choose Matt Hardy, if only because this is a guy who, in 2009, resorted to sharing pictures of his meaty, hairless vagina in a desperate attempt to prove that his weight gain was an intestinal issue. More than one year later, he's finally combating the snide remarks against his weight gain by seemingly filming all his YouTube videos in or near a restaurant. Hey, the guy likes food! Who am I to judge? I'll tell you what, though; a world where Matt Hardy is overweight and unmotivated while former clone and Green/White Ranger Jason David Frank is a bad-ass MMA fighter with muscles and tattoos is not a world I want to live in.


Blade Braxton: Didn't I make a Wilford Brimley gimmick infringement diabeetus joke about Matt Hardy a few lines back?


Derek Burgan: Is Fatt Hardy the new name for the Cameron, North Carolina's favorite son? Matt's grape diet is making the writers of Skinny Bitch reevaluate their position on a vegetarian diet. The best thing about Matt Hardy is how fast he wanted to drop his high six figure contract so he could focus on his money making side projects, such as YouTube ads and DVD sales for The Hardy Show. Penny Wise and Pound Foolish should be his tag team name in TNA with Hurricane Helms.


Joe Merrick: Gonna go with Matt Hardy on this one, seeing as watching one of his matches now rivals BBW porn in both skill and eroticism. Mmm. Although I don't remember Mike Tyson being a wrestler, unless I'm mistaken. Did he get so big that his fat just kinda invaded other sports?


Cameron Burge: Hey, Mike Tyson doesn't count! I don't see how anyone but Matt Hardy could win this category. I swear, he looks like he ate all the fat that Roddy Piper lost and then asked for seconds. Every time I see Matt Hardy, I feel a little better about myself, like going to an IHOP. For a guy that at least had a feud (even if it was only one and went on ALL FUCKING YEAR), he still seemed to be the least interested in being presentable and was clearly just self-destructing to get fired. Well. It worked. Surprise that nobody likes fat wrestlers who aren't black or Samoan....fucking racists! I wish Matt Hardy's spare tire the best in all it's future endeavors, maybe it will one day find it's way back to Roddy Piper where it belongs, or perhaps it will migrate into Hulk Hogan.


Esben Evans: The Nasty Boys were hilariously overweight when they made their unlikely comeback to TNA as a part of Hogan’s crusade to make the TNA tagline “we are wrestling” the world’s most ludicrous company tagline since McDonald’s “I’m loving it”. When they made their way out, you were compelled to go out and protest against TNA’s captivity of whales. They were probably the best example of an anti-obesity campaign ever “STOP EATING FATASS! OR YOU’LL LOOK LIKE BRIAN KNOBBS!!!”...it’s a pretty persuasive argument.


Canadian Bacon: Prolly Mike Tyson. I know he once said he wanted to eat Evander Holyfield's children, but I didn't think he'd really do it. (And how fat could you possibly get on an all ear diet?!!!!)


Andariel Halo: Everyone's gonna say Matt Hardy and be popular. I'm gonna be super nonconformist and pick Tyson Tomko.


Anthony Dean: The Nasty Boys. Yeah they were always fat, but they at least used to be able to kind of pretend what they were doing was wrestling, and move around, and physically do things, making it almost respectable that they did what they did while being fat (almost.) But during their stint in TNA this year, they were just two blatantly fat men pretending “they still got it” and relying on random beatdowns and using an overabundance of weapons as a crutch, though I guess that was kind of always their gimmick? I don't know, any wrestling before 1995 is just a confusing blur of terrible to me. Anyway the Nastys return and are unapologetically bad, so who are they made to feud with? THE DUDLEYS. I can only guess what happened there was maybe one group of TNA Creative figured the best way to cover up The Nasty Boys being fat, slow, and not very enjoyable to watch in general was to put them in the ring with The Dudleys as often as possible, hoping the Nastys would look better by comparison, while a second group of TNA Creative, looking to attempt to cover up the Dudleys' horrible qualities, decided they should feud with Nasty Boys for the exact same reason. Then both groups got together, agreed that the feud should take place, and each walked away snickering. That is literally the only scenario I can believe and also still be able to watch TNA with any amount of optimism.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure literally nobody anywhere got anything good out of seeing Jimmy Hart interject himself into that feud either, so fuck that guy too.


"Great" Scott: Mike Knox. I always thought this guy was one of the most dramatic cases of weight gain in professional wrestling. When he started out in WWE, he looked like Charlie Haas; when he was released in April of 2010, he looked like he had EATEN Charlie Haas. Man, this guy got faaaaaaaat before they let him go. I’m sure releasing him saved the WWE $12,000 year on the catering bill. The funny thing is, I actually thought he was a better wrestler when he was bigger. Maybe he got more talented by EATING talented wresters…sort of like some weird Highlander thing.


The Sixth Child: Mickie James. Because LayCool called her fat. I mean, she’s not as fat as Molly Holly was back when Trish Stratus was making fun of her. Then again, if they’re fat, what does that make Rosey Lottalove?
Whoa. I just blew my own mind.
Fuckit. I’m gonna say Brian Knobbs. It’s good to see Pitty City has no shortage of fast food restaurants despite not actually existing.


5.) PUSH THAT MAN! ...INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC. (For the wrestler who is least deserving of a Push.)
Nominees:
Jeff Hardy, Robbie E. and Cookie, Abyss, Michael Cole, Gunner and Murphy, Drew McIntyre, Ted DiBiase, Orlando Jordan.


Sean Carless:Drew McIntyre. Just because. But mostly because there's something about him that I just don't like. Like maybe his face; his soul; his entire existence; and then everything else. I don't know. It's like he's a CAW of Brian Kendrick, only depleted of move-set, made taller, but then lowered in charisma. Then, in the editor, you keep the head size the exact same, but then reverse all the other features in the middle from 100 to 0. He's just weird looking. Like a Scottish Predator. There's like maybe 1/8th of an inch between his eyes, nose and mouth. It's like an otherwise handsome man in a world filled entirely with fun house mirrors, with wives who punch you in the face at a Playboy party before getting fired. Or something.


Catherine Perez: Gunner and Murphy Nelson get my vote here. Why TNA continues to push these two is beyond me. They want to be wrestlers? Fine, wrestle, but don't keep pushing these assholes as security guards who like to get their hands dirty with legitimate, trained wrestlers in the ring. It looks bush-league and fucking stupid. Don't these two have anything better to do? You know, like securing and/or guarding things? There's a brawl going on every minute backstage, and they never get broken up because Gunner and Murphy are too busy wasting everyone's time playing grab-ass in the ring. Fuck off and take your love and affection with you.


Blade Braxton: Why is Abyss still masked and screaming on my television screen, TNA? Why? WHY?!?


Derek Burgan: You can tell how long the wrestling year is when most people probably don't remember this was the year TNA Wrestling pushed Bubba the Love Sponge onto us like an unwanted enema. Not only did the jackass come across like the biggest douche on the planet while doing play by play on Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling show, but his Fortunate Son role in TNA was so undeserved and unwanted that exactly who was on his side when he was blind sided by Awesome Kong?


Joe Merrick: Whatever you may think of the others, at least they're fucking wrestlers. Cole has just managed to pull a Fred and gain screen time for being annoying as unholy shit. And don't get me started on the Cole Minors, although I'll give Cole this, at least his fanbase's nickname evokes the image of black children, whereas John Cena's just wishes they were black.


Cameron Burge: Michael Cole. I'm sorry but why...WHY are we pushing an announcer? He's a fucking announcer, he doesn't need a push, we don't need to care about him, he just needs to talk so that the match isn't eerily quiet. That's it. Instead, we saddle him with the most infuriating character in existence, and also make sure the person in question is completely incapable of stringing common threads of thought together in any logical manner whatsoever. What do you get? EVIL Michael Cole, who has somehow managed to not yet grow a goatee. I think the epitome of how dumb this is is the soft" feud" going on between him and King in which he cost the guy a World Title and then they brushed off rather nicely since they have to still do the commentary. Now things are just awkward. Thanks, WWE. Thanks a lot.


Esben Evans: Tyler “what...the....FUCK is up with your hair, dude” Reks. Every time Tyler makes his way to the ring, the crowd gets scarily silent, and I’m sure the creative team thinks that it’s because he’s so intimidating...but really they just wonder why the fuck that guy from Counting Crows is coming out to wrestle. I know it might be a borderline push he’s gotten, but him getting on Team Smackdown at Bragging Rights was enough to clinch it for me.


Canadian Bacon: Orlando Jordan, because at a contract signing recently he told me he'd really like to offer me a big ass push sometime and I was confused at first; but it turns out he didn't mean what i thought and now my doctor says its best i forget about it/take my meds. so Orlando.


Andariel Halo: Sheamus. If sucking McMahon cock was a paying job, this guy would be a millionaire champion by now. Oh.


Anthony Dean: Wade Barrett Wade Barrett Wade Barrett Wade Barrett Wade Barrett Wade Barrett Wade Barrett. There's nothing I can quantify, I just don't like watching Wade Barrett. I'm only going to say the word “underwhelming” just like that in quotes and walk away.


The Sixth Child: John Morrison. Yes, his athletic ability is ridiculously good, and he’s got muscles in places where I’d usually store pudding. But his mic skills haven’t moved since he debuted as Johnny Blaze back in 2004. The guy couldn’t promo his way out of a Great Khali convention. Probably because they’d be speaking Punjab, but you get the idea. There’s no doubt he’ll become a heavyweight champion soon, but it’d be nice if I didn’t have an urge to crack him in the mouth every time he cracks a joke.

Special mentions go to Wade Barrett, Sheamus and Drew McIntrye. To be brutally honest, I haven’t really seen anything from them that I haven’t seen in several generic hosses in the past; except heavy accents.


6.) STEVIE RICHARDS' OFFICIAL "I'll Show You... How to Stay Employed for 9 Years" AWARD. (For the wrestler who has stayed employed through all odds.)
Nominees:
Chavo Guerrero, Hornswoggle, Eric Young, Mark Henry, Tyler Reks, Brie and Nikki Bella, Shark Boy, Primo, Yoshi Tatsu, Curt Hawkins, Trent Barreta, Vince Russo.


Sean Carless: You can never go wrong with Stevie Richards himself. Hell, EV 2.0. is already dropping faster than teenagers who fuck in a horror movie, and yet, still, there he is, doing what he does best, somehow remaining visible enough for us to all appreciate, but just invisible enough to where he somehow blends into the wall, chameleon-style, whenever agents looking to make roster cuts walk past.

Also, Chavo Guerrero deserves mention/pinning. That guy has jobbed to a midget, dressed up as an Eagle, been thrown into the Gulf of Mexico, (Mexicans only want to swim here... they never paddle back in that same direction), and still, he's out there, still cashing a check, still wondering how Rey Mysterio got a World Title and all the family sympathy, while he dressed up as a cow and likely cried himself to sleep... after being pinned by a slew of people lined up at his bedside. Poor guy. Maybe they'll kill someone else in his family, that way he'll at least enjoy another brief 3 months of winning matches? I hope so for his sake.


Catherine Perez: With most of TNA's failed EV 2.0 weeping into their pink slips by now, it warms the very cockles of my heart to give this award to Stevie Richards~! This man has mystical employment powers, and they should be rewarded every year that he's nominated for as long as he lives. Kudos to Eric Young, too. This guy deserves a pat on the back or something for getting bonked on the head and reverting back to the same pea-brained moron he had already grown out of playing! Normally, I'd be all for stupid shit like that (I say this as a huge fan of Brian Kendrick's current persona), but they've amped the stupidity by teaming him up with Orlando Jordan, who's boring as hell no matter what kind of viscous, white fluids he's squirting on himself. He's bi, you see. BI-POLAR~! HURHUR. Oh, Eric! Please stop crying yourself to sleep. We still love you. Maybe.


Blade Braxton: Bella Twins. Shouldn't basic mathematics prove that we would grow tired of seeing two generic, useless twins twice as fast?


Derek Burgan: It won't be long before poor Stevie has to hand over his Memorial Award to Eric Young and this year showed why. Even with TNA having to cut money and realizing it had absolutely nothing for Eric Young, they STILL brought him back after maybe a one week pink slip. "We just can't quit you Eric Young." – Dixie Carter


Joe Merrick: Tough one but Chavo edges it for having a job for like, 50 years and having a storyline whenever the moon alines with goddamn Mars. Dishonourable mention for VINCE REUGHSEUGH.


Cameron Burge: There are lots of people on here who are deserving of what I consider to be the Wrestling Fan's greatest and most prestigious award. Stevie Richards held onto his job like a steel-jawed shark into a baby seal, and only a man or woman who shows an equal amount of tenacity can deserve such an award. The Bella twins are right out. They are employed still because they are the only symmetrical set of four fake boobs that men can be sandwiched between for "comedic" effect (if you think dick jokes are funny...and I do!). Chavo will probably keep his job so long as people remember Eddie existed, and so I have to give this Yoshi Tatsu. One of the more promising wrestlers in a long line of them who was shipped off to die in ECW, he found a home on Raw....and promptly disappeared like a ten year old girl in the European slave trade. His sole job appears to be to show up and pretend he's a long time friend of John Cena and/or whoever is convenient and to job to people way less talented to him (read: Nexus). Also, he's the spare Evan Bourne for Mark Henry. In fact, if he didn't fit the same body type as Bourne, he might not even have a job. Lucky for him Evan is on the shelf. Look for Yoshi to be repacked in 2011 as a green painted man wearing a saddle and throwing eggs at everyone in the back during "comedy" bathroom break segments.


Esben Evans: Trent Barreta....bet you didn’t see that one coming...and that actually proves my point, no one cares or even remembers this guy. His tag partner got fired, but inexplicably Trent survived. Although to be fair, I’m pretty sure I won’t give him this award again next year, if he’s still there come next Fanny Award season (hehe, how professional did I just make it sound) I’ll officially proclaim him the new Stevie.


Canadian Bacon: Mark Henry. I've always felt like we're kindred spirits. Only we're alive and not ghosts, and don't know each other, and are not related whatsoever. Other than that? IDENTICAL. It's true! We both lift heavy things (weights for him, my dink for me). And we both accidentally blew a dude that one time and then never alluded to it again. The only other real difference is I'm white & have a basic understanding of how to wrestle.

Oh, and on that note, I'd like to throw a bigtime Happy Birthday out to Mark's son, Hand, who just turned 12! They grow up so fast/have no discernable body. I understand he has designs on a career with Hamburger Helper one day (which pleases Mark 'cause he loves hamburger helper!), but not really 'cause its a hand and not a legit human person. Had u going there, though, eh?


Andariel Halo: MV... Funa... oh. Matt H.. oh... Honestly? Joey Styles! Giving away NXT 3 results online? For shame for shame for shame on you, Joey!


Anthony Dean: Eric Young. What are they thinking. What is anyone even indirectly involved with his employment thinking.


"Great" Scott: Kelly Kelly. Okay, maybe she hasn’t been around for nine years, but it FEELS like 59 years, and I can’t think of one thing she’s done of any note. At least Torrie Wilson and Sable (other blonde airheads that stuck around a long time) improved a bit in the in-ring area and didn’t just take up space on the apron in eight-diva tag matches. It also helped that WWE wasn’t PG-13 back then, so useless divas could pose for Playboy to draw some interest. As it stands, Double K doesn’t stand much of a chance of being interesting, despite her ability to stay employed. The best part? They’re giving her a mini-push by sticking her in a storyline with Drew McIntyre. I’m sure this’ll rank right up there with Randy Savage/Elizabeth.


The Sixth Child: How the fuck is Chavo Guerrero still on the WWE payroll? His career highlights over the past six years include getting knocked out by Billy Kidman, losing at Wrestlemania in eight seconds, and having Hornswoggle ride him while wearing a cow costume. And yes, I know he was ECW champion, but honestly, who gives a shit?


7.) I WOULDN'T KICK HER OFF MY FACE! (Most fuckable woman in wrestling.)
Nominees:
Anyone you'd plow.


Sean Carless: Everyone. If they're alive, that's my criteria. And sometimes not even. So, I'll look to the past, from the bushes outside her house, and choose a retro-hottie that I recently saw on Facebook - and whom, like my penis, totally held up: Terri Runnels. That's right. She doesn't look a day over whatever, and that was nice to see as I masturbated to her whilst squinting, so to ignore the INTRUDERS IN OUR SYNTHETIC LOVEMAKING WHO LIKE TOTALLY SHARED THE PICTURE WITH HER. GET OUT OF HERE RANDOM FAT GUY AT A CONTRACT SIGNING. STOP STARING AT ME, PROBABLE PARENTS AND SISTERS OF TERRI. CAN'T WE GET ANY FUCKING ALONE TIME?!

OK, I FINISHED.

But after further study and washing of hands, I found out that, apparently, she's currently dating NEW JACK of all people; which equal parts amuses me/ terrifies me - because I'm man enough to make a tasteless joke at her expense, but coward enough to say it was actually you who did when I get called on it by a dude with justifiable homicides (funny; I too always justify my homicides). All I know is, the first thing I wondered, when I found out about this pair, was, does New Jack only have sex for the duration of Natural Born Killers? Is Vic Grimes at any point carelessly tossed off the bed posts with no thought of his health and well-being? And has New Jack ever accidentally stapled Terri's vagina closed during the act? ALL QUESTIONS WITH INTELLIGENCE INSULTING ANSWERS, I'M SURE.


Catherine Perez: I hate this category! Every time the Fannys come around I have to side-step this one with a little quip or a male choice. So, in keeping with my tradition, I'd like to pick CM Punk because he has to be the sexiest fucker on TV right now. I'm not sure what I'd plow him with (love and respect? Haha, WOMEN~!), but rest assured that he's plowable somehow. You and me, Punk! I'm sure we can build a beautiful relationship out of listening to Helter Skelter enough times to be labeled certifiably insane. It worked out for Manson, only not at all! I'd have picked John Morrison, but it seems that, ever since he laughed at his own NXT Rookie for murdering a promo about mustaches, he's slowly transforming into Eli Cottonwood. Is this the result of some kind of evil gypsy curse? I'll start panicking when he shows up on RAW nearly a whole foot taller.


Blade Braxton: It's been my online gimmick to lust over Mickie James for half a decade. However, all the chubby-chasing internet white knights and building bombing wannabe terrorists have made me embarrassed to say I'm a fan. Therefore, I'll vote for Madison Rayne. There'd be so much heat and friction going on in the bedroom, after getting slayed by the Midnight Rose, she'd have to change her name to Madison Evaporated Water. (insert crickets here).


Derek Burgan: If Maryse could just drop a cup size, I think that would be my current favorite and her "I could give a shit less about the crap they are forcing me to do" attitude makes her even more attractive. I know some guys get into the huge boobs thing, but it's just a little too fake for me but everything else puts her ahead of the other girls.


Joe Merrick: You're asking Joe Merrick who he wants to fuck. Why not ask me who I WOULDN'T want to, it'd be a much shorter li-


Cameron Burge: Melina. You know I'm going to say Melina. I always say Melina. Why do I even have to say it? I find her to be the most balanced in looks out of the Divas, without just having a big flaw that's distracting (Bella noses). I would like to bring up how funny it is that WWE tries to over sexualize their divas that really shouldn't be displayed that way. The minidresses that Natalya has been wearing are starting to scare me, I think she's going to burst out of one like the incredible Hulk....you know, I don't hate that idea. Tamina is just frightening though. She scares me. Put on some fucking shoes, woman!


Esben Evans: Being away from WWE for a while, and when you come back you end up noticing they’re looking all the same really...I don’t know...Maryse I guess...I don’t know the names of half of them...


Canadian Bacon: They're all fuckable because they have vag's and that's what they're there for. its also why god created assholes. A probable back-up (LOL!) plan if the first road is closed - a road made of vagina. (The road is vagina, I'm saying).

But if I had 2 pick, I guess i'll go w/ that Tamina. She's a handsome man, and besides i have this fantasy of laying all nude & such on my back with my dink up in the air while she scales the bed posts and then dives with a tribute superfly like her dad (only I don't die & then get rolled up in a carpet and get secretly disposed of by Vince Mcmahon's men) and then she lands right on my penis and I yell SUPERFLYYYYYYY, and then I maybe smoke a cigarette/offer her a coconut because i'm a good host.


Andariel Halo: AJ Lee person from NXT3. She was homeless for three years, though, so she might be kind of dirty and crabby and such. And because his hot epicness transcends all matters of sex and gender... John Morrison.


Anthony Dean: I would have said Taylor Wilde but she just quit and also her ridiculously far apart breasts would make any titfuck impossible so after her I probably masturbated to Kelly Kelly the most this year. Non-wrestling would probably be Nikki Rhodes, for those of you who are curious. Probably just my mom. But then, she already knows that. We had a talk pretty recently, it came up. Thanks again for reading, mom! I'll be sure to remember to clear the history more often. Xoxo, Your Unclaimable Son.

Sidenote, I just went to TNA's website to evaluate their stock of bitches and realized that even their site is just so broken. I got a 404 trying to navigate to anywhere from the main page, and can't even begin how to guess to fix this URL to make it do right:
http://www.tnawrestling.com/index.php/:/news/item/roster/21-lyon-france/25-berlin-germany/21-lyon-france/media/photo-galleries

That is what I got trying to get to their Knockout galleries, I wanted no part of anything to do with Germany or whatever, and similar bullshit is gotten trying to reach their roster, live events schedule, store, and basically anything a consumer of their product would need access to in order for them to receive money. And I've been trying and refreshing their page for at leat twenty minutes. Come on, what other company or business would just allow their site to go down like that for any length of time and just let it be okay? And I am being completely objective here. This goes beyond me not thinking them getting guest stars from Jersey Shore is a good idea, TNA is such a fucking mess from all angles it's hilarious.


"Great" Scott: (Tie) Maryse, Gail Kim, and Mickie James. Do I really need to justify any of these? Didn’t think so. Honorable mentions go to Beth Phoenix, Nattie Neidhart, and Tara.


The Sixth Child: There’s no shortage of fuckability within this year’s selection of female wresters, so after a quick game of “Eenie, meenie, miney, blow-me”, I’m gonna go with Taylor Wilde. Not that she’d want to blow me. The way I look, I’d be lucky to have Abyss’ squeeze, “Janice”. And everybody’s nailed her.


8.) EVEN WE WOULDN'T HIT IT. (Who was the most unattractive woman of the year?)
Nominees:
Anyone you wouldn't.


Sean Carless: Pretty much no one. Hell, I'd even throw it in Linda McMahon for BRAGGING RIGHTS ...live on pay-per-view... if only for that trophy you never see and is never mentioned again, thus making the entire show worthless. Don't look at me like that! It's true! I'd show the senior McMahon my own Exit Poll, and other political euphemisms for fucking that sound better spoken aloud. And sure, at this point, sticking your dick in her is perhaps comparable to wading into a crawlspace full of cobwebs and perpetual darkness - only you won't accidentally find old magazines and jars of pennies in there- but she has a lot of money, and with enough alcohol, enough dimmed lights, and after maybe hitting your head a few dozens times, thus necessitating your brain be donated to Chris Nowinski, she might, for a solitary second, look like Stephanie - and that, my friends, is a chance I'm willing to take... while closing my eyes and hoping she doesn't eventually find the duffle bag full of possessions from her home I just gathered.

But hey, since I *have* to choose someone, I guess I'll choose Chyna, because I just heard she actually filmed a *new* porno feature (hopefully the director had the good sense to get her to swim in a cold pool before filming close-ups this time), and the horror of the first film is already flooding back to my conscious mind. Seriously! It was a nightmare the first time around. I didn't know if I was jerking off to Chyna or X-Pac; it was just a blur of black stringy hair, pimply asses and probable penises of varying size. Eventually, I just grit my teeth, cried inside, finished my shame because mama didn't raise no quitter, and then never looked back. Penis.


Catherine Perez: I wouldn't fuck Aloisia with Titus O'Neal's dick. Sure, it's like throwing a Vienna sausage into the Grand Canyon, but my point still stands... whatever it may be. Aksana deserves special mention for looking like Trish Stratus at age 70 and sounding like someone needs to hand her the "Weend" Ring from Captain Planet ASAP. Also, Conor O'Brian. Ho, Lee, and Shit. Please tell me they're going to debut Crispin Glover as Conor's handler. I want to hear this guy say "NARF!" just one time. Major kudos for finally redefining the term "ring rat", though.


Blade Braxton: Aloisia. Sorry. Chicks that look like a Down's Syndrome-plagued Nancy Grace crossbred with the Big Show via Jeff Goldblum's Fly teleporter just don't do it for me.


Derek Burgan: Linda McMahon.


Joe Merrick: Oh, there we go. Sean's Mother.


Cameron Burge: Tamina is the obvious answer, but I'm going to hand this over to Vickie Guerrero. She has taken leaps and bounds to improving her image for sure, but until she fixes her face, there's no hope. She's got some of the worst teeth and facial structure that I have ever seen in a TV personality. Susan Boyl withstanding. It kind of looks like a smashed in crocodile. Now, there might be some uglier women in TNA, but I can barely name any of the female wrestler from there after the Knockouts faded into the background, so you're on your own in that department. Maybe one of them makes Vickie look like a promising prospect.


Esben Evans: Vickie Guerrero actually lost weight...but Vickie Guerrero is still ugly as fuck! I’m sorry Eddie (RIP) but dude, come on!....oh, and Alicia Fox and her crappy dancing! FUCK OFF!


Canadian Bacon: I only hit a woman once in my life but that was 'cause she actually had a penis and from my understanding that's not supposed 2 happen.


Andariel Halo: Mickie James. Something about a theme song that screams "HARDCORE CUNTRY" is rather offputting, given previous picture evidence.


Anthony Dean: I saw Natalya's erect penis slip out of her skirt during a match and slap Layla in the face while she was trying to hit a Lou Thesz press, and that's a true story.


"Great" Scott: (Tie) Vickie Guerrero and Aloisia. I figured I’d be all kinds of symbolic with this winner. These two were originally supposed to be paired on the all-female NXT, but I think they figured that pumpkin-faced giant might end up killing someone. While Vickie is disgusting in every way a woman can be disgusting, that female ogre runs a pretty close second. Plus, I would never do anything with a woman that could press slam me. Call me old-fashioned.


The Sixth Child: ...and for the third year running (yeah, last year was a Fanny hiatus, but she still won my vote), Vicki Guerrero. Why oh why oh WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL HERE!? Once again, I don’t find her physically unattractive, but she annoys me to the point where the only way I’d hit her is with a bus. How did the global financial crisis leave millions jobless, and WWE couldn’t find it in their cold-blooded heart to terminate Smackdown’s “Official Consultant” portfolio? Whaddaya mean it doesn’t actually exist?


9.) THE DARSOW AWARD (For the wrestler who's persevered through a TERRIBLE gimmick or angle.)
Nominees:
Kane, Eric Young, Abyss, Santino Marella, Edge, Alberto Del Rio, Samoa Joe, Michael Cole, Chavo Guerrero (as Swagger's Soaring Eagle).


Sean Carless: How about Paul Bearer? How many times is this guy going to get murdered on camera before someone does something about it? And by WWE's own precedents, why didn't Chris Benoit just do his deed on WWE television, where he could have gotten away with it/ been given a better finish? (I hate ref/life stoppages). Not only would he still be alive, but we'd have probably seen some really great matches in the interim. And that's the important thing.


Catherine Perez: What the FUCK, Edge and Kane?! Okay, Kane is a given; this might as well be the Glenn Jacobs Award. But EDGE? The very same Edge with the awesome feud against Undertaker in late 2008 where he single-handedly made it entertaining because 'Taker couldn't be bothered to show up in his own feud? From what I understand, Edge decided to go on a crusade against everything stupid in WWE, and he did so by... kidnapping Paul Bearer and proceeding to create some of the most excruciatingly bad television in recent memory? So, with that, I have to ask: is Kane going to persevere this time? Crowd support is dwindling fast for this guy. I'm giving this one to Edge because you know he'll bounce back from this travesty somehow. That is, if he doesn't start pushing "SPEAR. SPEARSPEARSPEAR. SPEAR." as his catchphrase again.

A nod of acknowledgement to Alberto Del Rio for overcoming those terribly boring at-home promos. I really thought he was going to go the Kizarny route -- shitty promos that go on for months, debut in a bad match, then a pink slip; I even made a fake Dos Equis ad calling him the Least Interesting Man in the World -- but he's certainly found a niche as the Mexican JBL! Even Ricardo Rodriguez is entertaining as Del Rio's personal ring announcer and part-time serial killer. Plus, any guy who manhandles Rey Mysterio is cool with me (except Jack Swagger).


Blade Braxton: Kane's late 00's gimmick of bald, aging fat guy who used in be cool in the 90's was tough to overcome. Somehow he did it and had a nice run as bald, aging fat World Heavyweight Champion in 2010.


Derek Burgan: I want to give this one to Samoa Joe, but I don't know how well he's "persevered" through his current garbage gimmick except that he has murdered someone or slit his wrists. So I'll end up giving some bonus points to Kane for somehow continuing on, and being in main events no less, despite a gimmick which passed its expiration date years ago and having one bad match after another.


Joe Merrick: Has to be Kane. Key word there is Persevere. Dude still plies his trade week after week snarling 'hurp ahm frawn hayull' into a camera while looking like a possessed testicle. Possessticle.


Cameron Burge: Santino Marella, and by association, Vladimir Kozlov. This shouldn't work. It seems like such a bad idea on paper, and yet here it is, over in the same manner that Eugene got over despite being the most insensitive, asinine idea ever. The comedy duo set up just works. Vladimir makes a perfect straight man with his total lack of emoting that is about the only situation where his method of speech is actually worth while in wrestling. Santino has the gimmicky, entertaining move set that makes you want to root for him like he's a member of the Mighty Ducks. And that's the beauty of the gimmick in that it feeds on our desire to see the goofball, unconventional underdogs win. If they had lost over and over, it wouldn't have been successful, but because we started to get behind their success, we wanted to see them win the titles. I dare say that people cared more about Santino and Kozlov winning the tag belts than the Hart Dynasty's entire run with them.


Esben Evans: Chavo Guerrero...seriously, what is UP with Vince’s unhealthy obsession with putting members of the Guerrero family in big ass bird suits!? At this rate I wouldn’t be surprised if Eddie had been taxidermied inside a giant flamingo suit and hung up on the wall of his office.


Canadian Bacon: Prolly Abyss. he's my legit favourite angry masked guy besides me. ( DATE NIGHT.)


Andariel Halo: Matthew Hardy. He sure pulls off a damn convincing job of being a narcissistic fatshit enabler with childish delusions of resentment and misdirected hatred and a total inability to overcome past adversities.


Anthony Dean: Wait, Chavo Guerrero was the Soaring Eagle? Come on now, they literally could have gotten ANYONE to do that job and yet they give it to the guy whose uncle they once stuffed into a turkey costume and forced to strut around ringside dancing in front of the single most pissed off crowd in WWE history. You would think somewhere along the line, between the bird suits and the dead uncle and the subsequent claim being made on national television that the departed soul of said dead uncle is rotting in hell and calling Vickie fat and having to convincingly lose to Tyler Reks, AT SOME POINT Chavo would say enough is enough and ask Vince for his release. In the form of a hurricarana. And then snorting several lines of coke and hotwiring a lowrider to escape to Mexico. Don't look at me like that, from what I've observed those are just the ways Mexican wrestlers tend to settle disputes and leave their jobs, I'm just going on what information I've picked up and objectively observed in my twenty years of getting along on this Earth. Also, statistically, there's a good chance he would probably rape a white woman. It's not racist if you use statistics.


"Great" Scott: Dolph Ziggler. First, he was a caddy for Chavo Guerrero in one of the most racist angles the WWE has ever done. (If it’s not Kerwin White, it’s not right? Seriously?) Next, he was a male cheerleader that essentially served as a punching bag for DX. Next, he’s repackaged as a guy with a name from a 20-plus-year-old movie as a one-note joke that pretty much no one will get. Now, since he’s succeeded despite all of that, Vince sticks him with a fat cow that essentially takes first priority in any stupid angle they put him in. For God’s sake, Vince, just give the guy a chance to have a relatively normal gimmick…or at least pair him with someone who doesn’t look like the ass end of a race horse.


The Sixth Child: Eric Young. After all his talk back in ‘08 about being the TNA lackey who does stupid stuff to entertain the fans, he goes right back to being the village idiot. Only problem is he does it so well, no-one seems to mind. Keep clangin’ that cowbell, you ridiculous waste of talent.


10.) THERE IS A GOD! For the moment when Lady Luck gave us a lapdance. (Award for unforeseen blessing in wrestling.)
Nominees:
Old School RAW (11/15/10); Bret Hart returns to the WWE; Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels shake hands; Daniel Bryan kicks Michael Cole's ass; Douchebag Batista; Nexus invades RAW; Daniel Bryan kicks John Cena's head in; Kaval wins NXT Season 2; Lacey Von Erich leaves TNA; Undertaker confronts Brock Lesnar at UFC 121; Daniel Bryan returns at SummerSlam; Kane finally wins a major singles belt; Randy Orton RKO's Evan Bourne during the AirBourne; John Cena joins the Nexus; John Cena is (briefly) "fired"; Kurt Angle moonsaults off the steel cage at Lethal Lockdown; Santino and Kozlov have a tea party for Sheamus; Angry Miz Girl.


Sean Carless: A lot of great moments happened this year in the wacky world of pro wrestling; memories indelibly etched into the annals of time; memories then scrubbed clean for me with the virtual DW-40 known as alcohol; poisoning the hamster running on a wheel that is my brain, and thus stripping me of caring completely. However, one moment did warm the cockles (penisles for the PG crowd) of my heart: HHH being absent for most of the calendar year. That's right, somehow, someway, we managed to get a Hunter-less 2010 for the most part, and in the interim, a few new people got over. But I don't blame HHH. I can't. He is what he is : WWE's version of UNICRON from Transformers. It's true. One minute, all is well in robot paradise; you're drinking your robot juice with your robot family, despite procreation being impossible amongst the non-organic, and then, bam, this giant bulbous mass rolls in, as it is wont to do when you're at your most care-free, and devours everything in its path. Only rather than strangely-mustachioed robots having their world's destroyed and chemicals spilled, its mid-carders, and maybe even their respective tag team partner getting pinned every week. Can we just get a few assholes together and leave this guy's head circling Stamford already?

Anyhoo, this year, HHH decided to sit things out, opting to instead heal old wounds, make midnight runs for Ice Cream and pickles for preggers Steph, and even CAMPAIGN, DOOR TO DOOR, FOR MOTHER-IN-LAW LINDA MCMAHON, the woman who almost become the first cybernetic organism elected to the U.S. Senate. Can you imagine having HHH come to your door and demand your vote? Am I the only one picturing him doing so in his trunks? Am I the only one then telling myself that regardless of this thought, I still consider myself a proud heterosexual man?


All I know is, if a McMahon *really* wanted to get elected to high office, they should have sent Hunter HIMSELF to run. Dude would be married to Obama's daughter by now, and already promising a future V.P. position to the first guy who hands him a dumbbell in the gym. "SHADES OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN," someone will be yelling during his inauguration. "JOHN QUINCY ADAMS-LIKE HIGH KNEE BY PRESIDENT HELMSLEY," others will then follow suit (in my glorious, glorious imagination).

And speaking of offices and politics and circumventing black people, or maybe just the first two, Hunter has apparently been promoted within WWE, and given a swank office and title to boot - to the midsection; a precursor to the THUNDEROUS PEDIGREE. (But hey, why are they always just handing this guy titles?! Couldn't we have had, say, an elimination tournament for that executive senior adviser position? RESPECT THE HISTORY OF THAT TITLE, WWE.). In fact, I heard that he insisted that his Office come with a floor made entirely of glass so everyone below would know their damn place. TIMMY FROM THE COPY ROOM, PAY YOUR DUES AND LEARN HOW TO WORK.

Now, that said, I must get going. The Delorean is running, and I, and these jokes, have to get back to 2003.


Catherine Perez: That massive nominees list tells me one thing: 2010 was the year of enjoying the little things amongst the shit. It wasn't a very good year for WWE, and a terrible one for TNA (honestly, if that was Hogan's idea of taking TNA to the next level, Dixie needs to send his ass packing pronto). I can't choose a single winner here - hell, I wrote the nominees myself, so in my mind, they ALL win. Cena joining Nexus and then being "fired" definitely ranked among my top 5 moments, though, even if it was excruciatingly mishandled and short-lived. As far as TNA goes, my one glimmer of happiness is found in the hilariously incoherent ramblings of one Brian Kendrick. I LOVE that guy! His vibrational frequencies are apparently too high to be shown on TV in a consistent manner, though, so I guess Ric Flair's own brand of incoherent babble will have to do.


Blade Braxton: Old habits die hard I guess. Seeing PG WWE Mickie James become Trailer Park Daisy Duke trash in TNA was cheaper than a lapdance, and less likely to get me arrested for ejaculating in public.


Derek Burgan: With the amount of stuff that just makes you want to bury your head in shame, it's hard to fathom that a lot of great stuff actually happened. Little blips of hope in desolate landscape. There's the good news/bad news situations, such as Kaval winning NXT, but given the year's worst outfit and stuck being LayCool's "pet." Bryan Danielson gets mega push in Nexus and the awesome beat down of Justin Roberts, but let go the same week. For me the best moment is that independent wrestling kept going "strong" of sorts in 2010 despite having a lot of it's talent cherry picked. Ring of Honor picked up Jim Cornette and capped off the year with a very buzz worthy Final Battle on iPPV. Gabe Sapolsky kept Dragon Gate USA going as well as starting up EVOLVE. An underrated Pro Wrestling Guerrilla had a hell of a year, with "Seven" being possibly the best wrestling show of any company. And CHIKARA had it's usual consistent year and continued with it's best in the business DVD covers.


Joe Merrick: An RKO during an Airbourne? That happened? Let me just look that up on Yout-AAAAAGH OH GOD THAT WINS EVERY AWARD JESUS CHRIST.


Cameron Burge: For me, this is a toss up between my two favorite moments of the year, being Angry Miz Girl and Tea Time with Sheamus. I have to give this to Miz Girl though. I was very happy to see Miz cash in his title as I've been waiting on pins and needles all year for it to happen. The moment when he finally did was sweet for me, but even more so, that reaction had me actually laughing out loud and hard for quite a while afterward. Such a defining moment of a heel taking the belt off of a fan-favorite. You could tell right then that Miz may or may not be having a long run with the title, but he's going to be having a memorable one just because of that one moment. Her return to Raw wasn't all that impressive compared to the original, I think that's because they tried to dress her up like a normal little girl instead of the evil demon spawn of Satan that she clearly is oh god she's gonna kill us KILL US ALL!


Esben Evans: Batista feeling that he was too good for WWE. HOLY FUCK YES! It was one of the best days of my life as a wrestling viewer when that lump of suckage after an eternity of having been pushed down our (and seemingly every diva on the roster’s) throats, decided that he would take his (basket)ball and go home. He had a film career that needed to get launched or something, I think that was it...so look out for Big Dave in a Blockbuster near you as Bodyguard #2 in the new Universal Soldier or something.


Canadian Bacon: Bret hart returned? When did this happen? Was he standing behind that guy wearing his t-shirt who kinda looked like the guy who used to teach me guitar lessons out of the back of his van and sell pot to school children? (dead serious.)

my bigtime choice, though, is Kaval winning NXT! Keep you're eye on this kid, trust me. (I once predicted the Wrestlemania main event like 4 months after it happened, so don't doubt my skills.) I see big things ahead for him in 2011!


Andariel Halo: Abyss's casket match ending in disqualification. TNA, how did you know! I LOVED WCW!


Anthony Dean: That very first Nexus beatdown was, as a stand-alone event, probably the most surprising and memorable bit of good that happened this year, regardless of how it worked out. Angry Miz Girl is definitely right up there, though. I thought seeing Kaval/Low Ki/Senshi win NXT was also pretty neat, especially with the recent high-profileness of US Champion Daniel Bryan and the continued elevation of CM Punk into the upper echelon, but we all know how well that worked out for The World Warrior (not Ryu.) At least we still got DASHING Cody Rhodes to require us to wear shades when we look toward the future. You know, because it's so bright. Thank God. Thank God.


"Great" Scott: The Santino Marella/Vladimir Kozlov Pairing. I’ve got to admit, I disliked both of these guys when they first started. They both got pushed to the moon (Kozlov was even booked to win over The Undertaker…CLEAN) and they really didn’t have the in-ring ability to back it up. Fast forward a year or so, and these two are GOLD. I actually smile pretty much every time they come on the screen. They’ll never be mistaken for the Hart Foundation, but I’ll take them over the Usos any day of the week.

I’d like to give an honorable mention in this category to Alberto Del Rio. That guy is really doing a great job as a heel, with really very little help (from an NXT reject sidekick or an evil tool announcer). A second tier honorable mention goes to Ricardo Rodriguez, Del Rio’s ring announcer, who I’ve said in the past has more charisma than most of the guys on WWE’s roster.


The Sixth Child: Jay Lethal impersonates Ric Flair on Impact. If you can find the unedited segment, watch it. Several times. Lethal’s tribute is almost dead-on, and Flair’s reaction and subsequent rant are absolute gold. I’m talkin’ 1991 Flair here. Special mention goes to the Old School edition of RAW (15/11/10). Sure, most of it dragged on like a motherfucker, and anyone under the age of 20 probably didn’t know what was going on half the time. But old school wrestling always brings a smile to my face; along with the Iron Sheik making a fool of himself (check).


11.) BURIED ALIVE. Most frustrating burial of the year.
Nominees:
Nexus, Kaval, Mickie James, Eric Young, ECW.


Sean Carless: Kaval. Luckily, they only needed to dig the hole three feet deep, however.


Catherine Perez: Kaval might be the dark horse winner here, but the more I think about it, the more I want to give the nod to WWE's Tag Team division. It was one thing to watch D-Generation X pin every team in the company back in that year I can't quite recall, but with every tag team I can imagine going through a "bitter" break-up for no discernable reason, this year has been brutal to "big league" teams. Over in TNA, Team 3D are calling their partnership quits because Brother BULLY Ray (sigh) said he was USING Devon for the past 15 or so years. WHAT? It took this guy 15 years to realize that he wasn't getting anything worthwhile out of "using" his tag partner? Come on, Ray; I know you were once the dumb one with the st-ss-st-st-stsss-stutter, but you can't possibly be that big of a fucking mongoloid! Anyway, I'm getting off track here. So, yeah, tag teams.


Blade Braxton: ECW. Frustrating cause it took SO damn long to bury it.


Derek Burgan: For those of us who were waiting for Kaval to finally get his big break on the biggest stage, we were instead subjected to seeing him put into a ridiculous outfit and doing quick jobs to lesser wrestlers.


Joe Merrick: The only thing Mickie James should be burying is her blood-soaked sheets in the garden every time she has another miscarriage and can't bring herself to tell me.


Cameron Burge: Kaval. Low Ki being in WWE seemed like a blessing, but I should have known better. How could WWE possibly give us both Daniel Bryan and Kaval in the same year? I should have seen it coming. Debuting hot with the crowd he immediately lost three or four matches in a row, got annihilated at every step he made and was then fired because creative had nothing for him. I'm curious as to how the fuck you promote this guy as the hot new thing coming out of your shitty NXT show and then HAVE NO IDEA what you want to do with him? Shouldn't you fire some of those new writers you just hired instead? Sounds like they aren't doing what they are paid to do which I assume is write, but might also be to give blowjobs to the Vince and Triple H while Stephanie watches. I heard it from a reliable source (my head).


Esben Evans: I’m gonna have to say Kaval. The fans liked him after NXT, he has a unique look, AND a great move set...he also loses...a lot...like all the time...seems like they decided to give him a similar gimmick as Daniel Bryan, although Bryan had it during NXT and then went on to win a lot afterwards, not the other way around...and then of course he got fired, just to punctuate the sadness.


Canadian Bacon: I'd like to bury something in mickie james! and right after that I'd like 2 have sex with her.


Andariel Halo: Some men get by on their past deeds, pointing themselves out as the greatest thing in wrestling ever, and getting by on little else than that. Some men get by on their merits, working hard, ignoring the temptations of backstage shenanigans, go along with all that's given to them with head held high and confidence and charisma. Some just didn't get no luck.

The man who debuted as a master technical wrestler, a "legend killer", formed his own tag team group with a female manager companion slave girl. And ends up never winning a meaningful match, rarely doing anything more than the most basic of brawling, and always ends up looking the fool, looking stupid, and totally fumbling in his actions and words. The man they called Nigel McGuinness, the man I call Fail, the man you call Desmond Wolfe.


Anthony Dean: Samoa Joe, who once went a year and a half without being pinned or submitting, lost a submission match, relatively cleanly for TNA, to Jeff Jarrett. TO JEFF JARRETT. I think that prepositional phrase alone seals the award for Joe, but as far as within the real wrestling company, I'd have to say Ted Dibiase Jr, with an honorable shout out and Panther fist to MVP. I really thought Dibiase was going to be the shining star after Legacy disbanded, but it turned out the twist to that whole angle was that nobody new was getting a push and instead they were just going to make Orton champion again. Swerve~! Right into oncoming traffic, you worthless fuck Freddy Prinze Jr. I have no idea who on WWE Creative is responsible for what, so I just blame everything on Freddy Prinze Jr, because I'm sure there's plenty of awful that he is responsible for that goes unpunished. Anyway. Oh yeah, and I always felt like MVP deserved better. Turning him into a hokey PG face, not ever letting him talk, and throwing him in a tag team with Mark Henry was way worse than he or anyone except maybe R Truth deserves.


"Great" Scott: The WWE Tag Team Division. Let’s see…The Hart Dynasty, broken up; The Dudebusters, half of the team fired; Cryme Tyme, half of the team fired; Vance Archer and Curt Hawkins (who sucked anyway), half of the team fired; McIntyre and Rhodes, teamed together for a month and broken up. I just don’t understand the WWE’s new anti-tag-team stance. Would you like to know why this pisses me off so much? In 1988, there was a TEN-TEAM Survivor Series match. They actually had TEN regularly-competing tag teams on the roster (no Iron Mike Sharpe/Barry Horrowitz crap). Now, they can never seem to have more than three teams on the roster at a time. It’s frustrating as hell.


The Sixth Child: So the Miz becomes the new WWE heavyweight champion. But his first title defence was against (wait for it) Jerry “The King” Lawler. What’s worse, Miz would’ve lost said title if it wasn’t for a run-in by (wait for it) Michael Cole. Just like CM Punk before him, Miz’s momentum after cashing in his Money in the Bank caontract was stopped, raped and killed in front of its children. The way Miz won the title was beautiful, defeating an injured Randy Orton after facing Wade Barrett, making both competitors look good, and setting up a decent feud. But all that turns to shit so a 61 year old announcer could get a shot at the belt. These people are morons.

Speaking of which, special mention goes to Eric Young reverting back to being a moron (see #9).


12.) SO GREEN, HE/SHE'S BROWN. (Get out of the ring before you hurt someone... unless it's yourself, then it's OK.)
Nominees:
Rob Terry, Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, David Otunga, Eli Cottonwood, Lacey Von Erich, Titus O'Neal, Robbie E., Rosa Mendes, almost any NXT Rookie.


Sean Carless: Ah, so many choices. I *could* go with an obvious choice like Lacey Von Erich, but my penis nixed it - a penis I've taken to applying the dreaded and feared IRON-CLAW to during her matches... in honor of her family and their legacy. (No one has broken it yet - not even the police!). From there, I then further honored her father by blowing its brains out. (that's where we're told we men keep them).

Another easy pick would be David "Starscream" Otunga; but truth be told, I'd only pick him so I could then segue it into a gag where Otunga finally jettisons a left-for-dead Wade Barrett from the insides of Husky Harris - who insists Nexus lighten their load as he transports them through space.

My official choice, though, is Eli Cottonwood, a man seemingly as ignorant to the existence of his own mustache as most non-Hollywood lesbians. Some people have taken to calling him the white Great Khali. But I say, fuck that. Great Khali is the Indian Eli Cottonwood. I believe in our economy first, and frown upon the outsourcing of giant, terrible wrestlers to India. BUY AMERICAN. BUY ELI COTTONWOOD.


Catherine Perez: Here's a good question: who's greener, Lacey Von Erich or her former storyline trainee, Miss Tessmacher, who recently suffered an injury after just a few short weeks in the ring? I like to think that Lacey dropped her shit and left TNA in the middle of showing Miss Tessmacher how to grab a handful of hair. Such wrecklessness from a once esteemed master of the grappling arts! I still think that Alicia Fox is capable of in-ring murder, though. We've all seen that scissor kick! I could start a rumor right now about her decapitating her last boyfriend in a freak accent while getting freaky in the sack one night, and I'm inclined to think that someone might believe me (Canadian Bacon, maybe).


Blade Braxton: The fact that Kelly Kelly is still up for nomination years after her debut proves she was better off being left alone to urinate in sinks her whole life. Damn you, Johnny Ace!!


Derek Burgan: HOW IS ROB TERRY ALLOWED TO BE IN A MAJOR LEAGUE WRESTLING RING? This guy isn't just a flashing red light, he's a three alarm fire that just screams to the rest of the world that We Don't Give A Shit What You Think About People On The Gas. Which could be forgivable if Rob Terry had either Dave Bautista's charisma or a workrate that didn't make Giant Gonzalez look like Shawn Michaels.


Joe Merrick: Lacey Von Erich once messed up a move so bad that...cancer still..couldn't be cured, because it...because it sucked and the move was...fuck Lacey Von Erich is what I'm getting at.


Cameron Burge: Alicia Fox. She is going to kill someone. I swear that someone is going to die if she is not stopped. They thankfully pushed her back out of the title picture quickly enough but I cannot even begin to fathom why she was Diva's champion in the first place. Was it all part of the need that every single Diva on the roster needs to have been champion at least once? Couldn't they have given her a finisher that doesn't absolutely murder her opponents when she sits on their fucking neck? The questions as to hwo and why she was pushed just come with baffling possibilities of answers, but at least she's kinda of hot. She's my backup Melina. Thankfully, now she appears to just be cannon fodder for whoever is getting the push of the week and filling the Jillian Hall role of generic evil Diva tag team partner.


Esben Evans: I still remember David Otunga’s debut on NXT where he botched his own finishing move. Granted, it has gotten better, but certainly not a lot...sadly, the other Nexus member’s are so bland that it only makes sense for him to be the one leading a rebellion against Wade Barrett...I mean, Heath Slater being the mouth piece of anyone or anything is just ridiculous.


Canadian Bacon: David Otunga because he's kind of brown. you know, like that faded colour ground beef goes when you leave it in the fridge for like 5 days. only in this case the meat knows two wrestling moves and is married to somebody famous. but unlike beef, you get arrested and executed for eating him.


Andariel Halo: Unless I'm the stupid one, Ken Anderson. Good God, man, he's unlearning wrestling moves as fast as TNA is unlearning how to make money.


Anthony Dean: I'm not gonna lie to you, Otunga is pretty fucking rough, but most of Nexus is at least moderately dangerous in that regard. I'm just glad Skip Sheffield managed to take himself out before anyone, you know, good. Now I don't keep up with NXT whatsoever so I basically have no idea who any of these nominees are, but even still I doubt any of those rookies fucks up their SIGNATURE MOVE as often as John Morrison does. Don't get me wrong, I love Mr. Nohjo Rison, he's a good guy and we here at TWF wish him a lot of luck, but internet cocksucking notwithstanding, holy fuck brah, if you know exactly how you're going to be ending 98% of your matches, you might want to take the time to come up with a way to get that down at least remotely consistently before you do any more work on your eight-pack. I seriously think I've seen him hit that move convincingly maybe twice ever, and every single other time, probably due to some combination of his opponent being too close and him being “too athletic,” he overshoots it like a motherfucker and only the top of his sternum ends up connecting with their left arm, and they still have to act dead long enough for him to get the pin, making any sort of video package for this guy absolutely impossible. Get your shit together.


The Sixth Child: I was gonna say Ms Tessmacher, but she’s just started. She also has the same in-ring prowess as Kelly Kelly, who’s been with WWE for four years. Was anyone planning on teaching K2 more than three moves? Like, ever? And it would be nice if she didn’t execute all of them without screeching like Vicki Guererro on heat. Just sayin’.


13.) THE OWEN HART MEMORIAL WORST "HOOK-UP" AWARD (For worst Wrestling Couple, Real or Scripted)
Nominees:
Kelly Kelly and Drew McIntyre; Maryse and Ted Dibiase; Undertaker and Michelle McCool; Goldust and Aksana; Kaitlyn and Dolph Ziggler; Abyss and Janice; Robbie E. and Cookie.


Sean Carless: Oh, this category. It's been 7 years. I feel terrible for having ever coined it. Almost as terrible as the time I made an Owen Hart Valentine card (I'm FALLING FOR YOU!), or the time I made this:


But the show must go on. And speaking of shows, and show business, and putting out for people in show business, I guess I *could* choose the Bellas, for their collective whoring/seduction of EVERY Guest Host for two years. Hell, at this point, Daniel Bryan could probably walk right into their vaginas, wipe his feet to honor his trainer William Regal, and never once touch the sides. My pick, however, is going to Michelle McCool and the Undertaker; not because I dislike them, but so I can re-post THIS:


But hey, how does sex with the Undertaker even work? Do you just have to wait in bed, then the lights go out and he gradually ascends out of some smoke? When he drops to his knee to go down on her, does he do that hand gesture thing first before pulling out the tongue? And when she goes down on him, is his biological instinct to triangle her head until she passes out? Or am I the only one who does that/spends 3 years in prison?


Catherine Perez: I haven't actually seen the past three or so episodes of Smackdown (I've been a combination of busy, sleepy, and busier since mid-December), but I heard that Drew McIntyre and Kelly Kelly have a thing going on! Cue the sitcom oohs and ahhs! When you take into account that McIntyre is blander than white rice with a side of white bread served on cardboard, and Kelly Kelly has the dead eyes and the soulless monotone, I don't think it's right to give this award to anyone else. At least his song is cool, eh? Right? Guys? On a serious note, what the hell is wrong with Kelly's eyes? Will someone please wave a "50% off breast implants" coupon in front of her to put a little spring in her step? Ever read "How to Be a Cam Whore in 5 Easy Steps" on The Best Webpage in the Universe? I think Kelly is a dead ringer for Maddox in a blonde wig. I digress. Drew McIntyre and Kelly Kelly is a deadly concoction of the blahs, and I don't see it going anywhere.


Blade Braxton: Tiffany's trainwreck of a real-life marriage to Drew McIntyre ended up getting her lovely titties fired. Note to Tiffany: exchange nuptials on TOP of the glass ceiling for proper job security.


Derek Burgan: As stated in a previous award, just the mere fact that Maryse can outwardly show her utter disgust of being teamed with Ted Dibiase is worth it's weight in gold. The fact that the two have minus chemistry, to the point of making Ben Affleck and J-Lo in Gigli look like the glory days of Moonlighting, shows that these two shouldn't even be on the same show together, let alone as a team.


Joe Merrick: Abyss and Janice. Man, her acting was wooden. HERP.


Cameron Burge: Robbie E. and Cookie. Hand down. No contest. They are single handedly the reason I will not and cannot watch TNA. I was enraged, so horrified by their gimmick (and Cookie's voice) that I immediately muted the television and then later changed the channel to not have to watch them. They made me watch another show just because of how annoying they are. These pop culture gimmicks are terrible to begin with as they lead to nothing and when the reference dies off, the characters end up dying with them, making it a doomed gimmick to begin with and why the FUCK was he X Division champion? That was terrible. Just terrible. Please stop making me watch stuff like this, TNA. Why must you hurt me so you abusive bastard?


Esben Evans: Maryse & Ted DiBiase. Now granted I didn’t see a lot of WWE back when Maryse was a champion, but from what I did see, she was quite good at playing a complete bitch...that was until she met the black hole of charisma that is Ted DiBiase. God DAMN, that guy is the complete opposite of his dad. He’s about as interesting as my carpet...and believe me, it’s not a very interesting carpet.


Canadian Bacon: Prolly Undertaker & Michelle McCool. you thought taking the gogoplata was bad. try taking it without pants. (but at least u get a cool butterfly belt out of the deal.)


Andariel Halo: Edge and Paul Bearer. Kind of uncomfortable seeing him push his new obese lover around in the same wheelchair he pushed his ex obese lover. Unless I've misconstrued what I'm seeing on the mute TV.


Anthony Dean: The title of this category cracks me up every time. Vickie and Dolph Ziggler because it involves both Vickie and Dolph Ziggler. If I actually watched TNA with any amount of regularity I'd probably pick Abyss continuing to poorly imitate Foley or that Jersey Shore thing, but let's face it, at this point criticizing TNA compared to WWE is exactly like putting a wild badger in a seventh grade classroom and criticizing the badger when, instead of doing what is instructed as well as the other children, it just snarls, refuses to remain in his chair, and gets into everyone's lunchboxes, and I mean that.


The Sixth Child: Trent Beretta and Caylen Croft. So their gimmick is, basically, that they’re douchebags. Oh, and they play videogames. Is WWE Creative even trying anymore? Of course not. That would imply that they’ve actually tried in the past.


14.) THE SHOCKY AWARD FOR BEST BLOOPER OF THE YEAR (Named in honor of Shockmaster, of course).
Nominees:
Undertaker gets burned by his own pyro; Randy Orton injures himself by pounding on the mat; "THERrrrrE HERrrrE" Grammar (and Spelling) Fail; ALL of NXT Season 3; Alicia Fox: Undefined Divas' Champion?; NXT Season 2 Finale Brawl Clusterfuck; Michael McGillicutty cuts a promo right here at this moment; Eli Cottonwood's "What is a mustache?" promo; Titus O'Neil's Twitter exposé; Aksana demands to know what a llama is; Tyler Reks causes chaos on an airplane in Green Bay, WI.


Sean Carless: As easy as it would be to just choose the ENTIRE season of NXT Season 2, I'm going to just choose one of its early contestants; a man whom I thought couldn't top THIS:



But top it he did, on Twitter, when he accidentally REVEALED HIS PENIS DURING A TWEET (MAKE IT A WANG?). I'm totally serious. Titus O'Neil exposed himself, and shattered all stereotypes about black genitalia, (What's next, a Jew who is terrible with money? OH.), and then claimed he was HACKED - because Lord knows he'd be top of the list of wrestling celebrities for whom to commandeer their Social Media. (CABLE JONES - BEWARE. YOU MAY BE NEXT.)



So, ya, that's my choice. And if I had a penis that likely looked like an acorn sitting on my balls, I might deny it, too. But until then, I think I'll just continue to leap from the bushes when suddenly feeling the urge to expose myself/destroy innocence. I guess I'm just old-fashioned like that.


Catherine Perez: All spectacular moments, but my favorite of them all has to be Tyler Reks freaking out on an airplane, if only because the way the story was told by WWE sound engineer Marc Lanciaux was absolutely hilarious. For those who didn't get to read it, here's an excerpt:

"Turns out that Einstein was sitting near the wing, and out the window, witnessed a terrifying (to him) event. To his horror, one of the flaps that make the plane fly or land or whatever it is that those moving parts on the wing do… moved! GASP! After witnessing this, Einstein freaked out, telling the flight attendant that he was a pilot himself and he knew that wasn’t supposed to happen. He was sure the plane was unsafe. He started getting louder and louder, and more and more obnoxious. The decision was made. Time for Mr. Einstein to go bye-bye."

What he failed to mention was that they strapped Reks onto another plane headed for the island from Lost. That's why he came back to the WWE several months later looking like fucking Terl from Battlefield Earth mated with Munky from Korn during an orgy with Serj Tankian, a Geico caveman, Lurtz the Uruk Hai from Lord of the Rings, Hellbilly Deluxe-era Rob Zombie, and that Rasta vampire from Twilight inside the DNA splicer from The Fly. Where the fuck did this guy take his vacation anyway, Jumanji? I would've loved if his first promo back started with "Did somebody roll a 5 or an 8?" Alright, enough movie references.


Blade Braxton: bloop·er
n.
1. Informal A clumsy mistake, especially one made in public; a faux pas.
2. Baseball
a. A weakly hit ball that carries just beyond the infield.
b. A high pitch that is lobbed to the batter.
3. NXT Season 3


Derek Burgan: How about all the times the "Anonymous RAW GM" would send an email and WWE would position a camera behind Michael Cole or CM Punk showing that they were reading from a piece of paper in front of the computer? How does this happen in 2010? You'd think that WWE production could be blamed, but the "leaked" show with Kevin Dunn's directions throughout show how thoroughly they keep track of even the most minor things. Just plain weird.


Joe Merrick: You have got to be fucking kidding me with the McGillicutty moment. It's a pity we didn't hear him say the rest of it, where highlights included him promising to kick his opponent's ass, by way of his butt, via the rectum and then ass buttocks bum tushy.


Cameron Burge: Die Aksana, you don't belong in this world! What is a llama? A miserable little pile of SECRETS! That's about all I got there. Meme jokes. Sorry folks. Aksana, I'm not sure if she is really that stupid or if Živilė Raudonienė (Jesus, is that really her name?) really wants to play it up for the camera, but damn. Damn. That has to be one of the dumbest things I've seen all year and that is saying a lot in a year where Michael Cole was the most pivotal player in a WWE Title match. I can only hope she is back in FCW, mispronouncing as many words as she possibly can and living the dream. Pretty hot though. I hope Goldust got some of that, he deserves a bone, if you know what I mean! HEYOOOOO!


Esben Evans: For me that would be TNA going to Monday nights, holy FUCK did they get obliterated before crawling back to Thursdays. The level of delusion that they could sustain the ratings they got from their first head-to-head show would be around the same as Michael Bay thinking he could win an Oscar. It was just the way they did it, with wheeling out a new nWo reunion, The Nasty Boys making their “long awaited” comeback, Orlando Jordan weirding everyone the fuck out by wrapping himself in crime scene tape and defeating Samoa Joe (say WHUUUUUUUUUUUT!) and Val Venis time warping himself straight out of 1998 before disappearing almost as quickly as he appeared, but only after pushing Christopher Daniels over the edge and back to Ring of Honor.


Canadian Bacon: Undertaker gets burned by his own pyro! I've seen this guy get all burned up in his casket at least twice now and nothing, and now he runs away from a little sparkler? what kind of legit human zombie who can resuscitate himself is this guy?

My 2nd choice is Titus O'Neil's dink on twitter. he said he was hacked and I believe him. most of his giant black penis was seemingly missing, so someone musta obviously hacked it.


Andariel Halo: Possibly... Jeff Jarrett, and his DOUBLE M-A challenge with kids!


Anthony Dean: Once again, half the nominees are a mystery to me since I don't watch NXT. I'm almost starting to regret it, it sounds like a surreally bad experience, but I think I might like Randy Orton fucking up his own shoulder while setting up for the RKO by looking like an asshole like he likes to do. It's just so perfect. “Fuck yeah, got this mo effin' shit in the BAG, son.” Punch. “Get up you cunt, shit yeah, gonna hit this move and it's gonna be through.” Punch. “One-two-three, you know me, haha. GET UP YOU BITCH.” Punch. “Aight here we go. Ooh, I'm gonna getcha, ooooh I'm gonna getcha.” Punch. “OH GOD I'M OUT, I'M OUT.” Never again will he be able to intimidate his opponents or look cool by doing that punching the ground while simultaneously humping it thing, whatever the fuck effect that was ever supposed to have is just permanently destroyed.


"Great" Scott: Matt Striker's Survivor Series "CENA'S FREE!" Blunder. It’s Survivor Series 2010. The WWE’s been building up the Barrett/Orton feud for months. Well, actually, they’ve focused less on the match and more on the dynamic between Barrett and John Cena, who will be the referee in the match. The stipulation is that if Barrett wins, Cena doesn’t have to be a do-boy for Nexus anymore; if Barrett loses, Cena is fired. I understood it; you understood; and pretty much all of the WWE Universe understood it. Apparently, Matt Striker DID NOT UNDERSTAND IT. For a guy who’s supposed to be the smart one, that was pretty stupid.


The Sixth Child: Randy Orton dislocating his shoulder during his pre-RKO pounding of the canvas at Over The Limit. Of all the things that can put a wrestler on the shelf, this one is pretty damn humiliating. It would’ve made an awesome feud, though.

ORTON: You might take up most of this ring, Canvas. But mark my words: this is my ring, and you’re not gonna get away with injuring me.
CANVAS: Yeah, well, I’m not the kinda guy you can just walk all over.
COLE: Wow! That is vintage Canvas!
STRYKER: Actually, Cole, it’s replaced every two months by the WWE production team. The fabric is woven in the slums of Honduras, where...

OK, I think you get the idea.

Special mentions go to TNA vs. WWE (see #22) and TNA’s redesign of the Heavyweight Title (who the fuck came up with that? It looks like Abyss sat on a Transformer).


15.) MR. KENNEDY "CLOWN-SHOES" AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF RIDICULOUSNESS. (Wrestler who fucks up, gets injured, or just plain has terrible luck one way or another)
Nominees:
Mr. Kennedy Anderson, Christian, Tyler Reks, Hurricane Helms, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Titus O'Neil, Aloisia, Alex Riley, Abyss.


Sean Carless: Jeff Hardy. Like I mentioned, while everyone else can stake their claim to being biggest fuck up, only one man's indiscretions may lead to him actually being sodomized. And not even in the cool way that usually leads to pushes and Titles.


Catherine Perez: Here's the thing with Matt Hardy. His crazy YouTube videos had people worried for his mental health. Not the braintrust at WWE, though. Matt was obviously trying to get fired, but making up a fake split personality just wasn't WACKY enough for a pink slip. Finally, his alter-ego MATTHEW ALL-CAPS HARDY seemed to be legit when he did the unthinkable:

Random McMahon stooge: Uh, sir, Matt Hardy is on YouTube acting erratically. I think it's best to just cut him from the roster.
Vince McMahon: Are you kidding me? Just put a ban on BoobTube---
Stooge: YouTube.
McMahon: Whatever! Ban it! And close down WWEUniverse.com, too! If I wanted the opinions of a bunch of fat, pimply kids, I'd ask for Shane's!

Days later...

Stooge: Sir, Matt Hardy is eating grapes on YouTube.
McMahon: Grapes?! JESUS CHRIST, MAN; HE'S GONE INSANE. I won't have another crazy wrestler scandal on my hands, damn it! Let him go!

I'm pretty sure that's how it happened, so I'm sticking to it. By the way, that hair he debuted at TNA Genesis is atrocious. I had that same hair-don't once, too. When I was 12. Before I move on, I'd be remiss if I didn't post something that I found pretty funny about Alex Riley's police mugshot:


Blade Braxton: Hurricane Helms attacks HBK on Twitter. For once, it was like a jackass was hunting Shawn.


Derek Burgan: Has anyone's star fallen faster than Hulk Hogan's after a combination of bad luck and even worse career moves? Millions of dollars lost this year, the joke of the non-wrestling world with his wife-that-looks-like-his-daughter-who-looks-like-him, TMZ following around his ex-wife and her new boy toy, and a one hour reality show showing a "reenactment" with the Hulkster putting a gun in his mouth.


Joe Merrick: It's surely terrible enough luck when someone decides to name you Tyler Reks. He sounds like a 90's edgy comic character who should be teamed up with Gabriel Surberuss, Xander Croosificks and BOOOONESAAAW.


Cameron Burge: I love who the first nominee is for this one. It amuses me. I give it a tie to Jeff Hardy and Alex Riley. Let's start with Riley who was actually quite successful in FCW. Just a few months ago he won the heavyweight title there against Justin Gabriel and Barrett. That reminds me, why isn't Nexus just called the FCW Invasion? Flash forward a few months to a man who has never won a match he's been in since NXT ended. He's forced to be the side kick to Miz, a character who doesn't even really need a side kick to get over as a heel. He's really just a match placeholder and it shows. There's nothing to be entertained by here. The poor guy is doomed. Now, Jeff Hardy. Have you seen that belt? Have you? Look at it. He's the Diva Champion. The guy has had a rough year and all, but whoever thought it was not only a good idea to throw him into the middle of one of the most ill-advised storylines in TNA history not involving Jeff Jarrett (oh wait, IT DOES!) but also put him over in an unbelievable and unentertaining way with the least credible looking title in history....yeah...


Esben Evans: Triple H. Seriously, how many muscles can that guy keep on tearing!? My guess is that he’s just a sucker for the comeback reception and the U2 videos.


Canadian Bacon: Aloisia! (Alopecia?). But like I said, I LOVE the huge bitches, and I'd definitely show her the best 2 out of 3 seconds of her life. I'd even go up on her! And I never do that! (I don't like having a beard! real or ortherwise!)


Andariel Halo: This:


Anthony Dean: The Hardys making that video dissing CM Punk for his being aloof and having a superior attitude about being drug-free, while clearly fucked up, waiting for the check in what looked like a North Carolina Waffle House. Neither has ever looked like more of a cock, and I have both seen Jeff Hardy posing with his Diva's belt with his arm being raised by Hulk Hogan AND read Matt Hardy's blog, so. This was a new low for both men involved is what I am saying.


The Sixth Child: Christian. After being passed over at TNA he returns to WWE... only to be passed over again. Sure, he had a run as ECW champ in 2009, but seriously, who didn’t? Even Chavo got a turn (see #6). This year saw Christian drift from RAW to Smackdown to NXT, in which his main achievements were losing two Money in the Bank matches, and tearing his pectoral muscle. Seeing such a talented wrestler unable to catch a break is just plain sad.


16.) DON'T GO AWAY MAD... JUST GO AWAY. (For wrestler or TV wrestling personality you most want GONE from Wrestling)
Nominees:
Hornswoggle, Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, Dixie Carter, the RAW General Manager, Jerry Lawler, Gunner and Murphy, Orlando Jordan, Lay-Cool, the Hardys, Ric Flair.


Sean Carless: Hornswoggle. I'll even paint a black hole on the wall to the Unemployment office just to make his trip a little faster.


Catherine Perez: Hornswoggle, Lay-Cool, and Gunner & Murphy: the Trifecta from Hell. Okay, five-fecta. It would be in all the nominees' best interests if they all disappeared forever. Hey, Hornswoggle, here's an English lesson for you: FUCK OFF. I demand a six-page paper apologizing for your atrocious WWE run tomorrow. Michael Cole has also crossed into a territory where his loudmouth asshole routine is less fresh and funny and more incredibly friggin' distracting from the show itself. As if we really needed to see MORE of Cole's waterlogged, shaved-vagina-face on a weekly basis. The fact that some commentators are joining Cole in becoming unnecessarily obnoxious in order to put themselves over the wrestlers is pathetic. There is NO justification to having this guy become a focal point of the show while guys like Kaval get the shaft. What a joy it was to see Jim Ross slap the douche right out of him, if only for a few seconds.


Blade Braxton: There's only one midget who sucks dick that I enjoy watching, and that's Bridget The Midget. Time for Hornswoggle's metaphorical dick sucking to be removed from our screens.


Derek Burgan: Nothing personal against him, but if I've seen my last Christopher Daniels match, I won't be crying myself to sleep at night. And for that matter, Brian Kendrick. Two guys who I fell in love with at the start of the decade in Ring of Honor, and I had to watch them both move up to The Big Leagues and come back to the indies as a much more boring version of their previous selves. Has the love of wrestling been beaten out of them?


Joe Merrick: Hogan, Bischoff and Dixie can all share this one. Like a trifecta of AUUUUGH they form the unholy trinity of Fuck, This, and Shit.


Cameron Burge: The Raw GM. I don't know if I can take it anymore. I already don't like Michael Cole, but the GM e-mails stop the show dead in its tracks. We have to wait for Cole to posture around and take his time to do his little schtick before we can finally hear what the GM has to say. This is annoying, it breaks the mood and flow of everything and the GM is now a heel by crowd reaction. The sad part is, WWE doesn't seem to notice just how much people hate sitting through this. Just because it's getting some reaction, we're going to keep getting it shoved down our throat until it squirts out our asses like the diarrhea crap it is. My apologies to anyone horrified by that last joke. Seriously though, please just "reveal" who it is (as if you ever actually had anyone in mind and aren't just dragging this out until you can think of a good answer or just phase it out entirely), or stop. Because I hate it.


Esben Evans: The RAW General Manager, or more importantly, MICHAEL COLE AND HIS FUCKING LAPTOP! Michael Cole being heel was a brilliant move...but the level of annoyance that he brings me on a weekly basis is unbelievable. I’ve never taken any more pleasure in anything wrestling related than when Jim Ross slapped the fuck out of Cole on RAW, that was sweet, sweet justice. His voice has started to chip away on my very soul, it’s horrible.


Canadian Bacon: Murphy. Robocop was 20 years ago. Let it go. Technology has advanced to the point where ur no longer even necessary.


Andariel Halo: Ken Anderson. To quote myself (I once said quoting yourself is sheer stupidity) from back in July, "Why do I hate him so much? Is it the douchebag nature of his gimmick? The sort that appeals to college frat boys who think it an average thursday night to rape a few drunk girls, smear shit on their faces, go driving drunk, smash the car into a tree, wander out before it explodes, and pick fights with hobos before being arrested and bailed out by their rich white fathers? I think so."


Anthony Dean: Everyone at TNA who has appeared onscreen more than they have wrestled within the last calendar year. Also Tyler Reks.


"Great" Scott: "Evil" Michael Cole. I’m going to steal a piece of wisdom from Malcolm over on the NXT report. The WWE can’t find anything to do with Kaval, Shad, or anyone in the tag team division, but they can give Michael Cole tons of television time, and even involve him in a main event. Isn’t that awesome?

The funny part is, I didn’t really hate Michael Cole was he was just a plain old announcer. He was no Jim Ross; he was just sort of…there. Now, my God, it’s like he’s bipolar. One second, he’s cheering for Santino or against the Nexus, and the next second he’s dogging on Daniel Bryan and cheering for The Miz. The thing about good heel announcers is that they were ALWAYS heels. Jesse Ventura and Bobby Heenan never cheered for the good guys. Even when Heenan was with WCW in the NWO era…he still didn’t really support WCW, he just took digs at the NOW (when he wasn’t running away or cowering in fear). So, listen up, WWE—Cole will never be Bobby Heenan, so just kill off this “Evil” Michael Cole character and bring back the “Shill The Web Site” version of Cole we all know and ignore.


The Sixth Child: Hornswoggle. The (little person)ification of the WWE’s new target audience: children, and / or fucking morons. Every time he appears on screen, a little part of me dies (pun intended). I have fantasies where I’m revealed to be the anonymous RAW General Manager, and my first order of business is to call Hornswoggle out to the ring, and punt the shit out of him ala Lard Lad in “The Simpsons”.

Special mention goes to Mick Foley. After his TNA title reign I never wanted to see him again. Ever. Luckily his role there has been reduced to the occasional ECW reunion.


17.) WHO'S "NECKS-T"? (Award for wrestler most likely to get injured)
Nominees:
Hulk Hogan, Randy Orton, Mr. Anderson, Matt Hardy, the Undertaker.


Sean Carless: Maybe Rey Mysterio? Although that would suggest that'd he be healthy enough to then get injured all over again. All I know is, I've heard through a reliable source that doesn't exist that the *real* reason he wears a mask is because it's the only thing holding his head on. At this point, dude's like a Pez Dispenser held in one piece by duct-tape.

That said, my choice is actually John Cena - a man who is drifting farther and farther away from Superman every day. I'm really starting to suspect that either his opponents have radioactive pieces of West Newbury secretly stashed in their tights, or this guy might not be the last son of Krypton, Massachusetts, after all. But then again, to survive Krypton's destruction, that'd have meant that Cena would have had to actually LEAVE, and as this year has proved, HE JUST CAN'T DO THAT. Had he *really* been there, he'd have still been standing there as the rubble was falling, cracked some jokes about Zod, and then been killed with the rest of the people.

So, there. That's my pick. And not just because when I wrote this I heard he injured himself. But if I was WWE, I'd try and fly him as close to the yellow sun of earth as possible anyway. And then feel free to keep driving...


Catherine Perez: Mr. Anderson swears up and down that he's not injury prone, but he's not doing much to prove it, is he? Hilarious that he's sharing this prestigious honor with Randy Orton, isn't it? Orton injured himself by slamming his fists onto the mat before the RKO. Not since Kevin Nash walked across the ring and tore his quad has an injury ever looked so ridiculous. As far as Hulk Hogan goes, how long before the urge to bodyslam something that weighs twice as much as he does overwhelms him, brother? At this rate, doctors are probably going to replace most of his body with robot parts by 2018. TNA might just get their version of RoboCop!


Blade Braxton: Mr. Anderson is starting to make Chris Von Erich seem like Cal Ripken or Brett Farve.


Derek Burgan: With Meltzer already talking about 'Taker having to get his hips replaced, and he seems to be on a One Match On, One Injury Off, I think we've seen the last of a healthy Undertaker.


Joe Merrick: Anderson. Just so goddamn unfortunate. 'Please sir, may I have a title push-AAGH MY TRICEP'. Longest feud the guy had was with his cruciate ligament.


Cameron Burge: I'm not sure self-inflicted suicide attempts count as an injury, so I'm not putting my money on Matt Hardy. I hope I just made an emo girl cry. Hulk Hogan. Not because I think he's going to keep getting in the ring, but because I think the odds are very likely of him throwing his hip out while boning his hot new fiancé with some of the Hulkster's prayers and vitamins fueling him on. Mostly the prayers. The bright side is that perhaps then he can stop trying to kill the business in his spare time and rehashing WCW crap. On the other hand, maybe he’ll decide to renew his rivalry with the couch and tear his quad or something when he walks by it. MAN VS. SOFA! Who will win?


Esben Evans: Triple H. I’m sure he’ll tear a quad when trying to make his comeback.


Canadian Bacon: Matt hardy tearing a bicep from opening the fridge door so many times because he's fat and that's the joke.

oh and hulk hogan! I was talking to sean & Catherine and they told me that the *only* reason he got his back fused was so he wouldn't ever have to lay flat on it for more than 2 seconds again. I don't get it either.


Andariel Halo: It's a tie between Kurt Angle, Ken Anderson, and the kid in that video that Jeff Jarrett put in a leglock.


Anthony Dean: With any amount of luck it'll be the super secret Raw GM so maybe wwe.com will post one of those hokey stories covering the surgery, complete with a fake Q&A with the person being interviewed “giving” clearly ghostwritten generic answers to boring questions. I just really want to know who it is at this point. Who is it going to be. I feel like if it was gonna be Cole that would've been revealed by now, so whenever they do finally reveal it, unless it's something truly huge and worthy of this crazy long buildup, it'll be a hilariously monumental letdown. I mean Hornswoggle being revealed as Vince's son bad. Like an evil Todd Grisham or something.


The Sixth Child: Back in 2008 I reluctantly gave this one to Jeff Hardy, and two years later it hasn’t changed. Again, when you do swanton bombs for a living, chances are it’s gonna happen. But rest assured, Jeff: you as an injured champion are still a helluva lot better than a fully-functional Mick Foley (see #16).


18.) "EVEN WE'RE EMBARRASSED TO BE FANS. US!" (Event or angle that is so terrible or tasteless, even we don't approve).
Nominees:
John Cena and Jerry Lawler hurl fat jokes at a physically fitter Vickie Guerrero; Legendary astronaut Buzz Aldrin moon walks in the ring after an abysmal segment; Mae Young challenges Lay-Cool to a match; Abyss gains superpowers from a WWE Hall of Fame ring; Edge kidnaps Paul Bearer; Hogan & Bischoff and Dixie Carter's struggle for power; the Piggie James storyline; the Mystery of the RAW General Manager; Abyss just about murders Rob Van Dam; Stand Up for WWE; Michael Cole continuously puts himself over at the expense of the in-ring action; TNA's "CONCUSSIONS!" storyline; THEY: the 10/10/10 Clusterfuck; Rey Mysterio's second World Heavyweight Championship reign, Bubba the Love Sponge in general; Orlando Jordan exploits his sexuality for shock value, no one cares.


Sean Carless: Abyss gets super powers from Hulk's Hall of Fame ring. Why do big inbred retards always think possessing an article belonging to Hogan will give them powers/abilities? And why didn't Russo pen an angle where a group of rag-tag X-Divisioners, led by Kevin Nash in a white robe, took the ring to Mordor? (ONE DOES NOT JUST NONSENSICALLY FLIP INTO MORDOR.) Or maybe they'd just KEEP the ring and wear it? That would at least explain their current invisibility...


Catherine Perez: Remember when I said 2010 was the year of enjoying the little things? It was also the year of looking at your TV between your fingers as you groaned in utter embarrassment at what was unfolding before you. One moment that was particularly embarrassing for me to watch was when Orlando Jordan debuted his manwhore gimmick and tried to be sexy -- ORLANDO JORDAN, CHIEF OF STAFF TO JBL, SEXY? --, crawling around the ring amidst chants of "THIS IS CREEPY!" before taking a seat between some girl and some guy that were never alluded to again. Even worse was when O.J. squirted lotion on himself like it was jizz to the delight of no one. TNA: WE ARE WRESTLING SO SORRY. Is this how TNA wants to help "Eliminate the Hate"? What's Orlando's big encore? Raping poor Eric Young while the little moron asks through pained screams if that's how "bi-polar" people say hello? Dear God.


Blade Braxton: Abyss made my fanboy fantasy come true this year. I had always wanted to see Mankind be the next Green Lantern. Abyss empowered with a shitty WWE Hall of Fame ring will have to do. Question is, did I really need to see it as one of the main wrestling angles in TNA this year?


Derek Burgan: Having to watch Amy Lee at Ring Roasts III: Jim Cornette on DVD made me almost cringe. A drunken tirade of almost exclusively F-Bombs was so bad that it made previous roast sets from the likes of Eric Simms and the Iron Shiek seem like they were written by Jeff Ross.


Joe Merrick: Orlando Jordan manages to create concentrated apathy in WWE, then manages to do the exact same in TNA whilst basically raping people. Actually set back homosexual rights by about 500 years.


Cameron Burge: Abyss becomes a Hulk Lantern (Orange Lanterns already exist, look it up you non-comic nerds). God, just…what were they thinking? I can’t imagine what was going through the minds of everyone involved of Abyss somehow being able to gain superpowers from a magic ring that was blessed by the Mighty Hulk Hogan and WWE. This doesn’t even get into the fact that by saying the WWE Hall of Fame ring has special properties; it puts over the company who made that ring at your expense. My only wish is that they could have taken this angle even further if they were going to do it at all. He could have teamed up with The Hurricane and fought crime by making red and yellow constructs with twenty-four inch pythons (actual snakes). This is one of those angles that you can’t explain to your friends if they walk in on you while watching it. The conversation that follows in trying to explain both why this is happening and why you are watching it will make you wish that they had just caught you jacking off to midget porn instead. At least you could laugh about it later.


Esben Evans: Abyss = Green Lantern!?...err, I thought that the Kayfabe days were over, of course someone forgot to tell Hulk Hogan that who obviously thought that his powers of being able to carry the world on his barnyard door back were transferable to his Hall of Fame ring...it was pretty damn stupid.


Canadian Bacon: TNA's concussions storyline? I don't know if its because I hit my head, but i just don't remember that one.


Andariel Halo: THEY! THERRRRRE HEEEERRRRRRRRRRE! Turning heel in order to save TNA from a self-destructive, myopic moron with absolutely no business acumen, who brings in a bunch of hasbeens and neverwases to soak up the spotlight over many desperate TNA stars in a roster already oversized and overstuffed and suffering multiple burials and releases each year of beloved talent. Let me repeat that; TURNING HEEL in order to do all that.


Anthony Dean: Orlando Jordan “shocking the world” by being a bisexual who wrestles yet that takes a backseat on the wrestling show to his being bisexual. This character MIGHT have had some bite in like the eighties back when people outside of the Westboro Baptist Church gave a flying fuck whether somebody was gay, and if they did it with any amount of tact so that it wasn't just you know Rico prancing around slapping men's asses and trying to kiss them even though they're clearly disinterested BECAUSE GAY = RAPIST and them faggots just absolutely cannot control all that sin. But come on, it's 2010. We're almost at the point now where sexual orientation has just become this passing thing in conversation, like "Oh yeah and our son Billy has recently discovered that he enjoys submitting to some of the older boys in the locker room after school and has begun wearing cheerleader outfits while doing so, kids these days! Ahhh. Anyway I saw that your daughter was in an another open relationship on facebook? What a social girl." There are so many men around now, on tv and otherwise, who overtly enjoy having the dicks of other men in their mouths that I can't even begin to care about OJ (you ever get an OJ?) as just a guy who likes to have sex with both men and women. And I mean that's it, that's all he does. He comes out, sits on a couch next to a hot Blasian girl and a Bravo channel gay guy and talks about how he is “DTF, baby” which he also screams throughout his entrance theme.

To be honest, at first I liked the idea. I thought there might be some potential to be had for a guy who, and this is only if he could also be taken seriously as a wrestler in his own right and who could conceivably exist as just a wrestler without being so alarmingly gay, but a guy who could piss other wrestlers off by having them losing their valets to a gotdang nancyboy or him corrupting the NXT rookie of a guy he's feuding with by having it implied he slept with them. That shit would crack me up. Having a guy on the roster who is allegedly just so irresistable to so many people that he could get revenge for any beatdown or match loss by seducing everyone who is close to his enemy. “You may have taken my prized [shit-tier title], but I took your son's virginity!” Tell me there would be a person in the crowd indifferent to that feud. But leave it to TNA to just torch any modicum of potential all to shit, namely when they had him debut wrapped up in caution tape emblazened with TNA's logo and slogan of “Cross The Line.” Because nothing says unique rebellious exciting or taboo like being literally covered in a corporate logo.


The Sixth Child: RAW Special Guest hosts. Since I didn’t get to vent about them last year, and they’re technically still going, I’d like to formally ask WWE if they are OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS!!!??? After all the shit you went through with Mike Adamle, you get a rotating roster of people who don’t know shit about wrestling to host your biggest-rating show? I’ll admit Bob Barker now has a special place in my heart after his appearance (which was probably the best thing WWE did in 2009), but every other host has been mediocre at best, and more-painful-than-tongue-kissing-a-cobra at worst. They were either people I’d never heard of (Rima who?), or people I never want to hear from again (seriously, Buzz Aldrin, you walked on the fucking MOON!). It’s never a good thing when your viewers are actually considering blindness.


19.) "HOW ABOUT SOME CLEARASIL FOR THAT BACK?!" Award for most obvious steroid job in wrestling.
Nominees:
Rob Terry, Batista, Shane Carwin, Kurt Angle.


Sean Carless: Rob Terry. Although that does kind of negate Orlando Jordan's lust for him. Doesn't OJ know what that shit does to junk? (And what junk does to shit?) Save the strawberries and cream, bro. It's just not worth it.


Catherine Perez: Hey, I think WWE's Wellness Policy is working! So it shouldn't be a surprise that this year's nominees aren't affiliated with WWE. I did a little bit of research on how to definitively tell if someone's on the 'roids, and found that there are two good clues. One is a super thick midsection and the other is a skull that extends beyond the edges of the eyes (not necessarily both at once). That being said, Rob Terry wins! And so does Batista! Let's throw in "Welsh Batista" Mason Ryan from FCW for good measure. I'm telling you, I can save WWE a ton of money by becoming their personal wellness tester.


Blade Braxton: Rob Terry's gonna end up bringing Stridex back from the dead, becoming a pro wrestling sponsor again.


Derek Burgan: Rob Terry is probably the only human on Earth with a percentage of water in his body at about 20%, the rest of the liquids in his body being a mixture of various pharmaceuticals.


Joe Merrick: No more obvious than Batista. His arms look like pompeii jellyfish.


Cameron Burge: Rob Terry. It’s the new Scott Steiner. How can that man even turn his head? I would assume at this point the muscles have grown around his neck in such a way as to lock it right into position of whatever way it was facing….down, at his crushed and bleeding victims that he crushed in the midst of a rage. This guy is so obviously on roids that I’m surprised he doesn’t just bring some down to the ring with him and fix himself up right there. Nobody would be surprised. Maybe it could be a new gimmick for him. He could “hulk” up afterward and just maul his opponent and it would look real too…because it would be. Rob Terry should also receive the award for “biggest drop in prestige of a champion” after going from “Global Champion,” which is a pretty impressive sounding title, to “Former Television Champion,” which…sounds worse, to bodyguard. Way to shoot for the top, Rob.


Esben Evans: Ezekiel Jackson. Dude, how many necks can one guy have!?...oh...wait...I forgot about Rob Terry...


Canadian Bacon: Rob Terry! he's got muscles in places that there's usually syringes. Wait.


Andariel Halo: Chuckin' a dart at a random board, I pick.... Primo.


Anthony Dean: I don't want to go around making unsubstantiated claims, but Skip Sheffield is a big guy, and that's all I'm gonna say on the matter. Rob Terry is definitely the most undeniable, but once again, everything's just that much worse in TNA, so they're exempt, somehow.


"Great" Scott: Ezekiel Jackson. Now, let me make one thing clear: I don’t know if “Big Zeke” does steroids, but…no, there’s NO WAY this guy doesn’t do steroids. Just look at his neck; it looks like a bulldog’s ass! I found a couple of old pictures of Zeke, and there’s no way that he got that way “naturally.” Hell, just look at him when he arrived as “The” Brian Kendrick’s bodyguard. He was just a large black guy. Now, he looks like the love child of Mark Henry and Scott Steiner.


The Sixth Child: Is WWE’s wellness policy finally working? Because I honestly have no idea who to pick. Over at TNA Rob Terry sticks out like a sore, Adonis-like thumb, but who am I to accuse the guy of juicing? So I’m gonna say Teddy Long, because he “jobs” to steroids by looking like a 12-year-old anorexic.


20.) EVEN MARLEE MATLIN COULD HEAR THAT. (For wrestler or diva with the most irritating voice)
Nominees:
Vickie Guerrero, Madison Rayne, Velvet Sky, Angelina Love, Michelle McCool, Layla, Michael Cole, Taz, R-Truth, Savannah, Ashley Valence, Jamie Keyes, Tony Chimel, Paul Bearer.


Sean Carless: GET IT? BECAUSE MARLEE'S DEAF AND DOESN'T HEAR ANYTHING AND THIS CATEGORY IS FUNNY FOR THAT REASON. LOLOLOLOLOL <----- the written sound of Internet hilarity? Or the sound Marlee actually makes when she tries to talk to you?

That said, Vickie Guerrero's voice has the same effect on me that hearing God's true voice does on people in the movie Dogma. I used this joke before, but fuck you, it still makes me laugh.


Catherine Perez: I DREAD a TNA Knockouts segment now because it means that Velvet Sky, Madison Rayne, and/or Angelina Love are going to screech into the microphone like a trio of fucking banshees. Their voices are like nails scraping on a chalkboard, destroying any and all sense of hearing. Listening to their promos is akin to listening to kids fight over a popsicle, it's so ridiculously grating on the ears. Probably makes a guy's balls recede into his stomach, too. Their seagull cries have no place in pro wrestling. Learn how to cut a promo without rupturing my ear drums or shut the fuck up.


Blade Braxton: Gotta go with the double ear-impacting Lay-Cool on this one. If the bumbling, necro semen-swallowing hick doesn't get you, the ear-grating Brit will.


Derek Burgan: Drunken David Arquette steals this award with his one night performance on Raw. Besides being given a horrible script to work with, Arquette's voice was one for the ages that night.


Joe Merrick: Gonna put Vickie. Her voice is as if thousands of souls cried out at once. And then were suddenly raped. These are not the EXCUUUUSE MEEEEs you are looking for.


Cameron Burge: There are so many good options to choose from here. Laycool takes the cake for me, and for one specific instance. I was live at the Raw where they wore microphones I COULD NOT MUTE THEM! Do you understand? While the rest of you reached for the remote as fast as you could, I suffered through the pain and torment of hearing them talk into mics the entire time they wrestled in voices that made me want to wail to the heavens with pleads as to why God was putting me through this and why he charged me money for it. That was hands down the single worst auditory experience of my entire life. I would rather listen to songs by Math Rock bands on repeat than have to suffer through that ever again.


Esben Evans: Michael Cole, AND I QUOTE! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU HARD COLE YOU ANNOYING LITTLE TWAT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! FUCK YOU! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!...ahem...and that was an impression of me every Monday Night.


Canadian Bacon: Ezekiel Jackson. Does that guy ever shut up?


Andariel Halo: RIC FLAIR WHO HAS A TENDENCY TO NEVER NOT SCREAM WHILE ON THE MIC AND REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT GAD GAD GAD GAD I AM GAD I AM GAD GAD GAD things every time he's on the microphone.


Anthony Dean: This should be renamed the fucking Eric Young award, and I don't care if he has throat cancer or whatever. Half his job is talking and he sucks tremendous amounts of ass doing it.


"Great" Scott: (Tie) LayCool and Vickie Guerrero. I really wanted to think of something clever for this one, think outside the box a little. Unfortunately, I decided to phone it in and pick three obvious winners. Seriously, though, is anyone’s voice more grating than these three? “Evil” Michael Cole’s voice gets on my nerves, but at least my eye glasses don’t crack when he’s talking (or screaming, which is more likely the case when these three banshees are vocalizing).


The Sixth Child: Vicki Guerrero (see #8) and Michelle McCool come a very close second to my pick for 2010: Tiffany. Her voice is best described as “Romy and Michelle” meets “Terrence and Phillip”. It gave me another reason to hate ECW when she became its GM, which was only made bearable by William Regal trying to break her down. I miss him so much.


21.) SPEAKING OF MARLEE MATLIN, WE ALL SHOULD BE SO LUCKY. (Worst theme music)
Nominees:
Rob Van Dam, R-Truth ("What's Up?"), Ted DiBiase, Anonymous Raw GM (whaddaya mean the blip doesn't count?!), R-Truth ("Right Time"), Smackdown ("Know Your Enemy"); RAW ("Burn It to the Ground"); The Usos; Lay-Cool; Robbie E. and Cookie; Mickie James; Darren Young.


Sean Carless: R-Truth - Get Crunk. I'm actually convinced that God gave him that seizure & convulsions (although, maybe he was just dancing? It's hard to tell sometimes) as a punishment for this jingle and its subsequent failed force-feeding. He does that sometimes to the wicked who are responsible for crimes against humanity. We should just be happy someone's not building a boat and getting Batista and George Steele together by the pair right now.


Catherine Perez: Congratulations to R-Truth for the first ever double nomination in this category! It takes a major lack of talent to be nominated for TWO original songs, and even less to have the crowds clamouring to hear "What's Up" again. Making Eve dance to the second track only accentuated how terrible it and her dancing are. Smackdown gets a nod, too, only because I absolutely loathe Green Day. Probably more than I dislike Nickelback. Those are two bands that, to me, are the antithesis of getting pumped for a knock-down, drag-out fight. How do you go from "The Beautiful People" to "Do you know your enemy? Blahblahblah enemy, urgh-haugh-hurgh-blah your enemy -- AW EH!" Fuck you, I don't know the lyrics! Point is, enough of the abysmally generic NOW That's What I Call Horse Shit 81 compilation rock hits and pay for some good music already!


Blade Braxton: Oh Mickie. Mickie, Mickie, Mickie. Did I mention she looks damn fine in Daisy Dukes?


Derek Burgan: How can this not be R-Truth's "Right Time" considering even WWE itself gave up on that one when they don't give up on anything. So bad that it made people miss "What's Up?"


Joe Merrick: A mention should go to R-Truth's, whose inspirational lyrics include WHUH SUH and GIMME WITTY DEH, WIT DE SINNY BINNY BLEH WHUH SUH. Always killed me when he got into the ring then just shat out PEOPLE OVER THERE WHASSUP, because I just expected the people over there to go AGH NOTHING CHRIST. But I have to give it to RAWB VAN DAHM, THUH HURGHL FOCKIN' SHEUGH, just for how ass backward retarded it is.


Cameron Burge: Wow, R-Truth, I believe you are the first person to ever be nominated for this award twice in the same year. Impressive….-ly bad. “Right Time” is certainly the worst theme song of the year. The other themes may be bad, but you can at least tell they are theme songs. “What’s Up?” at least had crowd participation that got people hyped up to see the guy wrestle. “Right Time” was supposed to do the same, but his singing was so incomprehensible, that nobody knew what to chant along with it. Even Eve Torres shaking her ass didn’t make it tolerable. My favorite part was when they made a video explaining the lyrics to us so we would know what to chant when…unfortunately they only did this once so nobody remembered. The final nail in the coffin has to be that he actually stopped using the song and went back to his old theme as if to say “Yeah, okay, we admit it sucked nuts, give us a break, we tried!”


Esben Evans: Smackdown chooses...Green Day!? That is simply the track that puts me the least in the mood to watch wrestling. It’s hard to believe that they used to have music like Marilyn Manson that at least made you wanna kill someone in a good way, now I just wanna kill someone because of how incredibly wussy the show has become. “Do you know your enemy?” Yeah, my enemy is Green Day...and just when you thought it couldn’t be worse, they added Michael Cole to their announcing team. DAMN IT!


Canadian Bacon: Mickie James & her song, hardcore cunt! (it really does look like its seen the extreme wars, though!). Edit: its actually called "Hardcore Country." Sorry! How embarrassing!


Andariel Halo: Matt Morgan's! With lyrics so epic awesome, they don't deserve to be words, and a chorus line that is simply: "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BAdee eeehhh AAh dehhh ehhhh".


Anthony Dean: Fuck R-Truth. Seriously.


"Great" Scott: MVP's New Theme Music. Well, shit, when I went to research MVP’s shitty new theme music, I saw that he was released. I guess you all have just learned how much I care about MVP. I didn’t even know he was gone! Well, his pre-release theme music really did suck; it sounded like something off of a Jock Jams album. Wow, I’m still amazed MVP wanted to be released. Despite the fact that he never really got any better in the ring or on the mic, the guy always seemed to be in a title picture of some sort, and the fans actually seemed to like him. Did I mention his new theme song sucked? I did? Good.


The Sixth Child: (drums) ROB! VAN! DAM!
(drums) THE WHOLE! EFFIN’! SHOW!
(drums) ROB! VAN! DAM!
(drums) THE WHOLE! EFFEN! SHOW!
(drums) VAN-DAM-INA-TOOOOOOR!
(drums) FIVE! STAR! FROG! SPLASH!
(drums) PLEASE! COME! UP!
(drums) WITH! ORIGINAL! LYRICS!
(drums) YOU! FUCKING! DOUCHEBAGS!
(drums) OK! THAT’S! ENOUGH!


22.) THE "ARGAIV" AWARD FOR LETDOWN OF THE YEAR (Get it? Viagra spelled backwards)
Nominees:
The CeNexus storyline; WWE vs. TNA: The Monday Night, um, Squabble; Kaval being fired after winning NXT; The Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon feud; Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff (TNA's "saviors") making a mess of TNA; Nexus debuts strong and fizzles out in months; Rob Van Dam has his momentum killed mere seconds after his debut; Daniel Bryan is fired after choking Justin Roberts with a tie; Drew McIntyre fails to improve; MVP never recovers from that 2008 losing streak; EV 2.0.


Sean Carless: Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon; the culmination of Canada's greatest disaster, if you discount Celine Dion. That's right, America may have 9/11 as their darkest hour, but Canada has 11/9 - the day Terrorists commandeered Earl Hebner and made him ring that bell. I can still remember it like it was sometime. I can sometimes still smell the burning sunglasses. In fact, I don't know if I ever told you this, but I was actually at Ground Zero. And boy was The Patriot a fucking TERRIBLE World title challenger.

But that was all for naught because, finally, this year, Bret returned, looking for retribution, looking for closure, looking for a time machine back to 1995 when jean shorts were last socially acceptable. He found some of these things. He even finally buried the hatchet with HBK, instead of in him, as only two men who secretly fucked Sunny could. Bret let go of his rage for HBK, figuring that with his crossed eyes and frazzled facade, HBK was actually the one who truly looked like he suffered the stroke. Clearly there was nothing else God could do to him. (Despite being a former Tag Team Partner.)

This of course then led to Bret vs. Vince himself, built upon the "Worst day of Bret Hart's life", as called by Michael Cole - because, as we know, there is nothing more psychologically debilitating then breaking your ankle in a car door. Except maybe seeing every close member of your family dying, or suffering brain damage to the point where you had to learn to walk again. Bret's lucky he never had to live through that.

This then culminated in wrestling's first ever "No Holds Used" match at Wrestlemania; a night made even more disappointing when Bret opted to not even wear tights that evening, thus not giving us any semblance of the past Hitman. Hell, he didn't even give away the glasses at ringside! And I know some people might say that they're sadly out of date, but I say, watch BACK TO THE FUTURE 2. Doc Brown was wearing them in 2015, so clearly, they're COMING BACK, and COMING BACK BIG.


Catherine Perez: I will never forgive WWE for the CeNexus debacle. Holy shit, Cena LOST and he's part of Nexus now! GETTHEFAWKOUTTA--- never mind, he's kicking all their asses after only reading a stupid statement and getting Wade Barrett some water. YOU GUYS, Cena didn't help Barrett win the title; HE'S FIRED! OMFGNOFUCKINGWA--- Hey, what's he doing back on RAW? And why isn't anyone stopping a former employee from beating the hell out of current employees? Cena's rehired already?! FUCK YOU, WWE~! Fuck you for pussing out on what could've been the storyline of the DECADE! Why didn't they have Cena beating up on his buddies against his will? His pained, remorseful expression alone would've gotten Barrett some MAJOR boos! Why didn't they continue to tear RAW apart with Cena reluctantly helping? After two or three months of this, the crowd would've been eating out of the palm of Cena's hand once he finally did turn against them. Gotta keep selling those patented John Cena wristbands, t-shirts, thermoses, and Snuggies, though! So where are we left standing? Cena hasn't exactly gotten anywhere, and Nexus are dead in the water. After such a major fumble, I'll keep my expectations real low for the new CM Punk-led Nexus.


Blade Braxton: Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon in 2010 was like FINALLY getting to fuck the high school cheerleader you always wanted, but she never gave you the time of day. Fucking her at your 60 year high school reunion, that is. Their match-up at WrestleMania was as painful as getting Polident in your peehole.


Derek Burgan: If you were a wrestling fan in the Attitude Era, the Montreal Screwjob was wrestling's 9/11. If you had a computer, you were online looking for information. You were calling wrestling hotlines to find out the scoop. You were looking at your mailbox every day for the newest Torch or Observer to come and spill at least some light on the story. Bret Hart then went to WCW, Wrestling with Shadows was released, Bret Hart's book came out, but whoever expected Bret to come back to WWE. And when he did, who would have ever thought it could have been handled so bad that a Bret Hart/Vince McMahon match at WrestleMania meant almost nothing. Not only that, it was one of the biggest let downs, match wise, in wrestling history.


Joe Merrick: There wasn't really a better way to introduce the Nexus into the big leagues. Other than have them come down the aisle on like a dragon voiced by Samuel L Jackson anyway. So for it to just sorta...fart out like it did killed what little faith I had left in this...silly, SILLY sport.


Cameron Burge: CeNexus was single handedly the biggest let down of the whole year. Once again, I was live at that show when he joined up and my biggest hope was that since my home town is the biggest group of Cena supporters, that he would go heel finally and piss them all off. It seemed like a ripe opportunity, that he could finally realize that crowd support couldn’t help him and only he could help himself. He might not enjoy working with Nexus, but he would beat them all to hell by himself and realize it was he alone who did it and help is for pussies. It was all laid out there for you, and instead we got another “Cena rises from the ashes against the odds” storyline that we’ve seen a million times before because the merch has to move and we can’t afford to either really have him off the show or out of his purple people eater ring gear even for a moment. A complete let down in every sense of the word.


Esben Evans: Wrestlemania. God, damn it...on paper this card was freaking stacked with awesomeness...and it just turned out, bleh...the worst of the worst of course being the Bret Hart “match” where Hart spent what seemed like an hour just pummelling Vince with a chair...it was just boring...


Canadian Bacon: Not being able to activate my stungun while following Melina to her car. Oh, well. But you know what they say ( while in prison). If at first you don't succeed, maybe try some pills next time.


Andariel Halo: Rob Van Dam's entire TNA run and championship and such. GREAT MOMENTS IN DEBUTING A NEW AND SOON TO BE FUTURE CHAMPION: Have him win a match by shenanigans in 30 seconds, then get shitkilled for five minutes afterwards, beaten down with a baseball bat.


Anthony Dean: Nexus is such a mess, and with the amount of bonafide main eventers who left this year, and a quick scan at the broken down motherfuckers who are left, you just know that Nexus was really, really not supposed to happen this way. But it did. I think Heath Slater's said maybe six words since the angle started six months ago. That's a word a month. And last I checked the jury was still out on whether a clothesline Otunga threw in some Superstars match back in October constitutes the first thing in a ring he's done that remotely resembles a properly executed wrestling move. NXT as a whole is just a mess. Seeing Season Two winner Kaval ask for his release after being continuously jobbed out, despite proving himself as the very best among a group of young wrestlers, not only killed his credibility but the credibility of the entire NXT concept. Even the very best on NXT can't hang in the ring with Drew McIntyre for more than five minutes in a nothing match on Smackdown, so why should I give a fuck about anyone else from the show, let alone any future winners?

The Nexus isn't doing much to combat this NXT stigma, either, since the only wrestler whose emerged as a legitimate threat to anything has been Wade Barrett, with every other guy in the group serving as fodder for “real” wrestlers to hit their finishers on when they can't get to Barrett or to be unceremoniously tossed from the ring during brawls and have that bump take them out of commission. Maybe it's just me, but if there's a group of SEVEN GUYS who go around stomping people down and taking them out one at a time, I don't think “Wow, those seven guys are pretty tough,” I think “Wow, those sure are seven guys.” Nobody can beat seven guys, it's absurd. And even when those seven guys were put up against seven other guys, what happened? The seven random motherfuckers who didn't even get along destroyed them, proving once and for all that sometimes seven guys is just seven guys. To be honest I'm not even sure who is in it anymore – are Husky Harris and Mike McGillicuntawhatever members or lackeys or just guys who want to be in the group or, or what? I guess there's still hope.

CM Punk has recently taken control of the group, and if there's anything that could possibly save the future of these guys, it'd be a plane crashing with all of the established stars in the WWE, from Undertaker to Zack Ryder, dying in the blaze so suddenly they're forced to just like throw Justin Gabriel in the main event against Laycool or something. After that, though, it'd probably be CM Punk.


"Great" Scott: SummerSlam. Seriously, I got this PPV and it blew goats. The worst part about it? The next PPV (I don’t even remember what it was, but it wasn’t even one of the big ones) was fifty times better. The hype around this show was all about the Nexus vs. WWE, and the rest of the card suffered for it. There were only six matches on the show (one divas match didn’t happen for some reason or another), and one of them was a seven-minute no contest because Nexus came out. The main event was good, but the rest of the card was absolutely horrible. I definitely expected more out of a “big four” PPV. Stupid me.

I’ve got to give a MAJOR honorable mention to the WWE career of Kaval. Jesus, the guy lasted, what? Two months? Shit, they could’ve paired him with Evan Bourne; that team would’ve rocked the three-team tag division! Seriously, WWE, you need to seriously look at your writing staff if you can’t find something to do with Kaval.


The Sixth Child: The WWE vs. TNA Monday Night War-that-never-was. After nearly ten years of WWE being the only major player in professional wrestling, TNA had finally started resembling a company that was willing to get its shit together. Hulk Hogan, the industry’s biggest-ever name, fronts up promising to use a brilliant roster on the world’s fastest-growing sports entertainment brand to give Vince McMahon a long-awaited run for his money.
Hogan’s TNA debut attracted 3.1 million viewers – the biggest audience Impact has ever had. But RAW got 5.6 million by slaughtering its last sacred cow with the return of Bret Hart (see #33). But instead of building on their initial success, Hogan and TNA squandered it.
Impact’s debut on Monday nights saw Hogan and Ric Flair in the main event (which would’ve been awesome... if it was 20 fucking years ago), to which fans left in droves. By the time TNA threw in the towel, their ratings were less than 0.8.
Taking on the WWE was going to be a hard task regardless. But in the end, instead of waking the fuck up and taking a long, hard look at itself, TNA continues to deteriorate on a weekly basis, ensuring it will probably never be able to go toe-to-toe with Vinny Mac.
If TNA let me down any further I’d be in fucking China.


23.) EVEN OZZY OSBOURNE HAS MORE CREDIBILITY. (Award for the individual who exudes the least amount of real-life credibility in public for whatever reason)
Nominees:
Matt Hardy, Hulk Hogan, X-Pac, Vince McMahon, Eric Bischoff, Tommy Dreamer.


Sean Carless: Matt/alter-ego Matthew Hardy. That finally explains the weight gain. HE WAS EATING FOR TWO THE WHOLE TIME.


Catherine Perez: Tommy Dreamer by far! This guy's supposed to be the Innovator of Violence, but he's spent most of 2010 blubbering and weeping like a girl on her last day of camp. "Dixie, please, I'm begging you, give us a chance... it was so horrible up north in that company!" Get your face out of that tub of Häagen-Dazs and man the hell up already. Good thing Impact isn't two hours of Tommy crying and hugging fellow crybaby Jesse Neal as we learn the tragic... sniff, story about how his best buddy... sniffle, tragically died on that fateful, tragic day... Oh God... shameless exploitation always tugs at the heart strings! Pass the Häagen-Dazs! Somebody hold me!


Blade Braxton: And things were going SOOOO good for Hulk Hogan...then he whipped his dick out in front of Brooke in a tv commercial for a video game.


Derek Burgan: Dixie Carter, for both her appearance as a character on TNA Impact, but her appearance on the YouShoot from Kayfabe Commentaries. Hearing Dixie Carter say the phrase "Male Rope Opera" in real life, with a straight face, just has to be seen to be believed.


Joe Merrick: X-Pac looks like the one guy Motorhead experimented on in a big band gang bang, and he's subsequently adopted their mannerisms in a weird attempt to win their affection and love.


Cameron Burge: Hey, remember when Ozzy Osbourne was on Raw? Bet you wish I hadn’t reminded you. Vince McMahon. Who else could do Stand Up for WWE and actually make the claim that “all of our programming is PG-13” which I will remind you is not even a TV rating. Sure it might all be PG-13 now, but this is still the company of the Kiss My Ass Club, elderly hand birth, transvestite blowjobs, rape, in-ring accidental abortions (remember how funny that was when Ctrl+Alt+Delete did an abortion angle?! Me either.), and countless other terrible things kids should never see. Not to mention that the diva division is just walking sex. Way to go Vince for standing up against these accusations…that were all completely true. Nobody bought it, and what was even funnier was the polls showed than nobody even cared about the WWE’s past, they just didn’t think she was a very effective politician. That may be because Linda has all the emotional capacity of a tub of butter.


Esben Evans: For me that would be Tommy “Hey folks! Remember them ECW peeps, we can still go!...well, we can hobble along just fine at least” Dreamer. WWE revived, and then slowly tortured/raped/killed ECW until the brand itself lost all its meaning...good thing that the good folks at TNA decided that it was time for another go with EV 2.0...Hey remember back when Dreamer Vs Raven tore up the house with its edgy storyline? Let’s do that again 13 years later! How can that not fail...but worst of all was that Tommy Dreamer endorsed this as what WWE really should’ve done...god damn it...ECW is gone, fucking deal with it!


Canadian Bacon: Justin Credible. His last name is a lie. (although, he did bring the breadsticks to my table pretty fast ....and didn't put me through it, while caning me with the loaf).


Andariel Halo: ME! But if that's not an option, ehhhh, I dunno. Hulk Hogan? Jeff Harvey--HARDY? Matt Hardy? MVP? Let's pick Matt Hardy.


Anthony Dean: Eric Bischoff, who, when hired alongside Hulk Hogan earlier this year in some sort of creative capacity, was championing how it's only a matter of time before TNA overtakes WWE to justify its miserably failed attempts to go head to head with the Beast from the Northeast, recently came out and said in no uncertain terms that it was basically never going to happen, the WWE is just too powerful and it would be ridiculous to think TNA could ever surpass it. It wasn't the admission of utter defeat that I couldn't believe, though - it was how Bischoff refused to acknowledge any problems with TNA itself, and instead basically just said "Yeah, you know, everyone knows WWE, they've got a stranglehold on cable, nobody knows about little old us, there's nothing we can do." Bullshit. At this point, there is nothing that WWE has that TNA doesn't. Both have multiple television shows on cable, and yeah, okay, WWE has like four, but who honestly watches at least half of those. Both have wrestlers with national exposure, both have monthly pay per views, and both offer essentially the same product. The WWE does not have an insurmountable Monopoly. TNA's highest rated show, Impact, regularly gets about one third of the ratings that WWE's highest rated show, Raw, gets. That's outstanding. What isn't outstanding is that's the exact same ratings Impact's been getting for years. Bischoff is clearly just saying this so that when the anniversary of the signing of Hogan and Bischoff rolls around and people are forced to ask "Okay, so what has the hiring of these two contributed to the company to justify paying their enormous salaries?" Bischoff will have his story ready. "It's impossible. It can't be done. We're just lucky to maintain the 1.0 rating. If you didn't hire us you'd be in the shitter by now, and if you don't renew you'll be bankrupt by this time next year." I can't come right out and say a crime is being committed, but I can say that Dixie Carter, or whoever is legitimately in charge, should be for standing by and flagrantly allowing a multi-national company to be run so undeniably shittily. And this isn't being overdramatic. Have you actually WATCHED a consecutive month's worth of Impact? It's asking too much of yourself. The show makes no sense. You're emotionally invested in nobody, things are started and stopped and changed and dropped, there's no stability, you just have no idea what is going on. So little effort is put into it, I'll never know who that 1.0 is. I cannot even begin to imagine what kind of people tune into that show every week.


"Great" Scott: (Tie) Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair. I can’t decide which is worse: playing an elf in Rent-a-Center commercials, having your wife take half your money, looking like a blathering idiot in YouTube videos of him in the hospital, and then marrying a 20-something bimbo, or getting beaten up by your wife and your daughter’s boyfriend while still wrestling despite the fact that your moobs are hanging over your trunks? I realize both of these guys are still draws, but the more I watch them in “real life,” the less respect I have for them. If I had to give one guy the edge here, I would give it to Hogan, because he’s still trying to stay in the non-wrestling spotlight, which can’t be good for him.


The Sixth Child: Hulk Hogan. The man who thought he had enough clout to take TNA to the promise-land, but instead crashed and burned with an eerie orange afterglow. After sweet-talking everybody about how he was going to use an army of young and hungry wrestlers to treat the fans, he relapses into the same ridiculous web of politics and half-baked story lines that saw WCW go down quicker than a Dutch hooker.
It’s amazing how my admiration for both Hogan and Vince McMahon is only matched by how much they royally piss me off.


24.) THE AC/DC "BIG BALLS" AWARD FOR GREATEST SHOW OF TESTICULAR FORTITUDE (In the ring, in real life, whatever. Just awarding one ballsy motherfucker.)
Nominees:
Tara finishes a cage match with a burst bursa sac elbow injury; Paul London, you know, being Paul London; Mickie James' Superfan threatens to blow up WWE HQ after Mickie's release, Vince McMahon makes himself look like an oppressed victim during the Connecticut mid-term election; Tyler Reks becomes belligerent during a WWE flight in Green Bay, is escorted off the plane, and STILL keeps his job; Monday Night Impact.


Sean Carless: That Mickie James fan who vowed to blow up WWE Head quarters because she was released... and then still asked WWE for event tickets during the court case. WWE then missed the opportunity to exploit this unique superfan via their always informative "DID YOU KNOW?" Campaign:


Catherine Perez: Vince McMahon had some nerve trying to make himself look like the good guy who was just trying to provide good, wholesome family entertainment amidst political shit-slinging. Stand Up for WWE? It takes balls to be so desperate in the name of politics. My favorite part was when Vince decided to STAND UP for THE FANS in Connecticut who wanted to vote for Linda with their WWE t-shirts on! You know, all two of them! "Censorship is WRONG. My fans will not be stifled! My fans will not be silenced! HEY YOU! Is that a Hulk Hogan t-shirt?! TAKE IT OFF RIGHT NOW and put on this Stand Up for WWE shirt!" Now that Linda's lost, though, I guess Vince won't mind if we sit back down.


Blade Braxton: TNA tried their best to be AC/DC on Mondays. Sadly, the WWE did a damn good job channeling German metal group Accept and smashed their "Balls To The Wall."


Derek Burgan: Was it testicular fortitude or just plain stupidity for TNA to go to Monday Night and compete head-to-head against Raw? Everyone in the world was telling them to go 8-10 and get the jump on Raw, but instead they went 9-11 and competed directly. They got their asses handed to them on a silver platter, and were sent back to Thursday not unlike the Spirit Squad sent back to OVW in a box, but they did show some guts (just no brains) by taking on the behemoth of Raw on WWE's home turf.


Joe Merrick: Monday Night Impact distinguishes the fine line between Ballsy and Retarded. I really can't give that company any credit these days. Saying that, I'm gonna go for Tara just so I can look like I know what a bursa sac is.


Cameron Burge: The Mickie Bomber. Doing what we’ve all wanted to do for years by scaring the wrath of God into WWE with idle threats. Probably could have chosen a better reason though, like maybe getting revenge for the firing of Stevie Richards over Funaki. I have to wonder what was going through the guy’s head and if he was even really that seriously into Mickie James (get it? Into?) in the first place. Maybe he just thought he would do it for the lulz and forgot that we invented caller ID around twenty years ago. Perhaps he should have used a pay phone, it worked for the chick who threatened to blow up my Mother’s school every day…except it didn’t. TNA should totally sign this guy to a contract, like they do everything that’s been cast off by the WWE. I bet he could bring something really big to the company (here’s a hint: it’s a bomb).


Esben Evans: I could say TNA for choosing to go head to head with WWE...but I don’t think you can call a retard ballsy when it just doesn’t know any better. Daniel Bryan for choking Justin Roberts the fuck out, or at least for making it look that way in a PG WWE landscape...I’m sorry but that image alone made my year...right after him punting the fuck out of John Cena’s head! YEAAAAH!...yeah, It was a slow year for ballsy-ness...


Canadian Bacon: I never saw any of their testicles so I can't really say.


Andariel Halo: Jeff Hardy, for being just so... dedicated... just so... passionate... just so... BALLSY... that he competes at TNA Final Resolution, even when stoned off his fucking head.


Anthony Dean: Definitely the former Victoria finishing that cage match. Frankly I'm amazed when anybody in TNA shows they give any amount of a fuck anymore, and that showed a disgusting amount of dedication to her craft, her career, and the company she works for. Expect her to be released within two-three months to free up funds for Kevin Nash's inevitable return, who will promptly blow out both quads while standing in the background during a backstage skit. Honorable mention to Tommy Dreamer, who throughout the EV2.0 angle proved once again that he is the best in the business at getting paid for getting just completely fucked up. And don't send me any disgusting Necro Butcher pictures, you know what I mean.


The Sixth Child: Tara continuing her cage match against Mickie James despite tearing a ligament in her elbow. It just goes to show you don’t need actual balls to win this award. And Lisa Marie Varon, I want your babies. But as you can probably tell they won’t turn out to be biology majors.


25.) PLUMMETING FASTER THAN A FAT GIRL OFF A CLIFF. (Award for the fastest fall from grace in wrestling. The wrestler chosen must signify a real plunge in quality, effort or company push in just one year's time.)
Nominees:
MVP, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Jay Lethal, Kaval, Desmond Wolfe, Jack Swagger, Rob Van Dam, Eric Young, Abyss, the entire TNA Knockouts division, John Morrison, Edge, Straight Edge Society.


Sean Carless: Scientifically speaking, and speaking from experience after having tossed a few fat girls off cliffs in my day, I'm sad to say that in the hands of gravity, everyone falls at the same speed, even the comically obese.

With that in mind, my choice is Samoa Joe, a man kidnapped by Ninjas and then jobbed out to what appeared to be Kenny Rogers at Bound for Glory. And if you believe the Internet (and when have they ever exaggerated?), it was all allegedly for being fat, despite Samuel L. Jackson clearly explaining how this cannot possibly be his fault in Pulp Fiction. Poor Joe. Instead of just sending him to the Biggest Loser, they just booked him that way.

Hopefully, in 2011, now that he's re-signed, Joe can find that 2005 push again; a time when he had the world at his feet - feet strangely covered with shoes, unlike the 3000 other Samoans in wrestling. And who knows? Maybe, now that he is allegedly TNA bound, Joe will run into fellow demoted fatso, Matt Hardy, who like him is also looking for that same sweet 2005 rebirth as well. I'm all for it. Samoa Joe and Somas Matt. A team we can all believe in. (Lardy Boys? Matt Fats? Samoan Twat Team? Twist of Fat? Fired Island? There are no bad choices. Or good.)


Catherine Perez: Where are Jeff and Matt Hardy? Honestly. Those two losers can't be them. At least their trainwreck YouTube videos are fun to watch, right? That MATTHEW ALL-CAPS stuff was hilarious, wasn't it? Makes you wonder what the fuck are in those grapes (and where can I buy some?). I don't care how fat or out of their minds or drugged out they are, though; all is forgiven if Matt pulls the MATTHEW stuff in TNA. That's quality TV! Ugh, WHY did they have to cancel ReAction so soon?! I have nothing else to say here, so enjoy this hilarious YouTube video about the dangers of drug use:


Blade Braxton: Isn't it time to rename this one after Jeff Hardy, or does it have to wait until he's actually doing 5 - 10 while still holding a fed's main title belt?


Derek Burgan: You gotta hand it to Serena. Given a gift wrapped great spot in the Straight Edge Society, she proceeded to screw it completely the fuck up and found herself without a job. She fell all the way back to SHIMMER, and that's a drop. Jeff Hardy may get this one if he spends time in a jail cell in 2011.


Joe Merrick: Christ, the Hardys are getting the shaft in these nominations. Morrison gets my vote, he was tipped to be the next World champ, the next HBK, the next legend in the making, and now he's second league next to Sheamus. I'm almost sure Hornswoggle gets more screen time. Since when did the Irish start doing the oppressing?


Cameron Burge: Hard to say, really. I first want to go with Kaval, but being the hyped up guy from NXT still is no big deal at all. It’s worse than having been ECW champion (LOL Ezekiel Jackson, why wasn’t he nominated for the roid award?). I think the Straight Edge Society is most deserving. Sudden injuries, one member not being so straight edge by getting drunk, and being single handedly crushed by a single man kind of left the Society looking like a pile of shit. This is sad since they were coming off such a hot feud with Rey Mysterio earlier in the year. Finally, the society was just swept out with out so much as a mention and Punk was sent to Raw where he did nothing but give Evan Bourne an excuse to be on the bench for his injury he’d received. Punk being injured too finally ended the society completely. But at least we got Punk as a temporary announcer and perhaps in 2011 he’ll be able to put the kick back in Nexus that it’s really been lacking since its debut.


Esben Evans: Jack Swagger had a largely forgettable World Title run, and then he just bombed into midcard nothingness along with his Chavo bird. To be fair, before Wrestlemania he was mainly in midcard nothingness, but I actually like the guy and I thought he was pretty hard done by not being allowed to run properly with the ball.


Canadian Bacon: MVP. he should seriously think about changing his name to JOB because he loses a lot!!!11


Andariel Halo: From main eventing PPV's as the world champion, to barely appearing in a barely coherent midcard storyline that was poorly defined, and once it reached its conclusion, apparently completely forgot the entire basis for the storyline, only to have the entire focus of it shift AWAY from him and onto Tommy Dreamer; Rob Van Dam.


Anthony Dean: I will never understand why Matt Hardy felt like he deserved to be world champion. I barely understood why he had a job, but he at least always had that. Where is he now? TNA? I'm honestly asking because I really do not know if they decided to even bother with him. I could see TNA passing on him. TNA. That's how far Matt Hardy has fallen.


"Great" Scott: Ted DiBiase. This was a tough one, because tons of guys are falling fast on the WWE’s depth chart while only a few are getting a chance to shine. I have to go with DiBiase because he won the tag titles in his first match in WWE, was part of one of the most hyped factions of the last two years, and even starred in The Marine 2. (Yes, I know the movie was shit, but he was still the star.) It seemed as if the sky was the limit when Legacy finally broke up. Now, he’s jobbing to Goldust and R-Truth. I can’t even remember the last time he won a match. Hell, when I can remember Santino’s and Chavo’s last win, and I can’t remember yours…Ted, you’re getting buried. If you would’ve told me that Cody Rhodes was going to be the one to get a push, I’d tell you that you were off your rocker.


The Sixth Child: Jay Lethal. When Hogan started calling the shots at TNA, he singled out Lethal as one of the stars who was going to carry the company to the promise land. His feud with Flair and several vignettes about his family and wrestling background seemed to be grooming him for a top spot. But instead he’s still stuck in the X Division, where his appearances have been reduced to fist-pump competitions with Robbie E.


26.) THE BEST THING SINCE INTERNET PORN. (Wrestler of the Year Award)
Nominees:
John Cena, Randy Orton, The Miz, A.J. Styles, Rey Mysterio, CM Punk, Batista, Kurt Angle.


Sean Carless: Daniel Bryan. They may have turned him into a gay vegan virgin who doesn't watch TV, (and who doesn't pay more than 5 dollars for a haircut) but he's still the only guy who'll get this Sociopath to order a pay-per-view. Sure, it's on someone else's TV, in a home I've looted, whilst trying not to wake its owners, but damn it, his wrestling still compelled me to take that chance/forget to kill them.

But hey, it was almost not to be. On the night of his seeming big break-out, he strangled Ring Announcer Justin Roberts with his tie - an act that saw him FIRED for the supposed Benoit-esque comparisons, apparently; and all allegedly at the behest of either Linda's campaign or Mattel, or both since they both back inanimate yet life-like depictions of actual human beings. But then he came back, won the U.S. Title from Miz, and has since erased all those silly Benoit connotations - if you ignore the fact that he's a shorter, smallish guy, trained by wrestling royalty, who relies on intensity and technical & submission skills to finally finish his opponents with a cross-face. But other than that? NOTHING LIKE HIM. Man. Good thing there's no JR around to mis-call him "Daniel Benoit". But hey, all kidding aside, (I swear!), there's no real chance he'd murder his family, because if you believe Cole, he doesn't even know enough to even snag a woman in the first place, let alone marry her and murder her. But even if he did? It'd just be the Bellas, most likely. And that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make if it means more great wrestling.


Catherine Perez: The only guy with a legitimately major, successful feud this year (that I can think of, and keep in mind that 2010 is a very hazy year for me in terms of mainstream wrestling): Shawn Michaels. I'll cherish that "Running Up That Hill" video package forever. Paul London's my indy wrestler of the year, though. I'm not kidding when I say I love his rambling weirdo gimmick (please tell me it's not a gimmick and that he's really that out there). Everything from his Danger Bees promos to that shoot interview he did with Brian Kendrick was quality entertainment.


Blade Braxton: I don't care if he was retired for most of the year. HBK is one of the few guys I still care about watching. I will pass on watching him shoot his load on deer though.


Derek Burgan: He was kept in extremely small doses, and that made Papa Briscoe just an amazing thing to behold in 2010. Everything he touched was magic. Promos, training videos, podcast interviews, and finally his match with his sons against the Kings of Wrestling and Shane Hagadorn at Final Battle. Papa Briscoe wasn't overexposed so you saw through everything, instead you just wanted more.


Joe Merrick: This greatly surprises me, but I'm gonna go for the Miz. The guy has VASTLY improved, and while I may not like him as champion, dude can wrestle and he may very well make something of himself. But I guess that isn't funny so uh JBL soapy butts.


Cameron Burge: The Miz. He’s come a long way, but finally reached the top. I thought I would never say that I really enjoy seeing him every week as there was a time when his in ring abilities made me think he was practicing a form of torture rather than actually wrestling. Now, he’s entertaining on the mic and actually pretty good in the ring, especially when paired with someone talented. Miz gave me my favorite raw moment of the year and has good showings all throughout on a show that has been absolutely dominated by John Cena despite Cena not even being champion most of the year. It’s hard to believe that Miz has managed to shine through all this rubble and really stand out, but you can hear even the marks begrudgingly join in for the “I’m Awesome” call. I need to get me one of those name tag t-shirts, I love that design, it’s clever. Overall, great year for Miz, and hoping to see a lot more of him next year.


Esben Evans: This is the point where I’ll write the two words I had never thought I would write as a response to this category...ever...but my wrestler of the year is...The Miz...yes, I said it...he was AAAAWESOOOOOME! (hehe, see it’s clever because he calls himself awesome all the time, hehe). Stellar matches, stellar promos, a nice feud with Daniel Bryan that culminated in a really good match, and a nice sidekick in Alex Riley and of course it all culminated in him winning the WWE Title. Nice one...only drawback is fucking Michael Cole being the epitome of annoying whenever he’s there.


Canadian Bacon: Randy Orton ...but Internet porn is still better. Although, they are kinda similar. An oiled up man in his underwear, laying on his stomach primed to strike. Only with his penis instead of an RKO/ punt. Although, I imagine if u punted a girl she'd be out cold and thus you could cum inside her legit and she'd never know, and by the time she woke up/got out of her coma, you'd be far, far away and prolly cutting terrible promos that don't justify your push. I don't remember what i was talking about.


Andariel Halo: John Morrison is my internet porn.


Anthony Dean: CM Punk's been pretty alright, but I think Orton's really done a lot more all year than anyone else. Led the Legacy stable into, well, a wall, but he still did it, damn it, all while somehow becoming a fan favorite despite doing nothing differently, just remaining stoic and RKOing anyone who comes near him. But he's done it well, and it's nice to have a top face other than John Holy Shit STILL Cena. He pretty much killed it this year.


"Great" Scott: (Tie) Daniel Bryan and Bryan Danielson. Yes, I know they’re the same person…please don’t send me any e-mail about my “error.”

Really, though, was there any doubt? The only guy that would even come close is Alberto Del Rio, and he’s a little too generic in the ring sometimes (with the exception of a couple of cool spots he has) to compete with Danielson. This guy single-handled made SummerSlam better than worthless and definitely contributed to Survivor Series being better than average. I’m just hoping they continue to give this guy a chance to succeed and don’t give up on him like Kaval.


The Sixth Child: I’m gonna have to go with the Miz. And no, don’t look at me like that.

In six years the Miz went from a Tough Enough runner-up to the WWE Heavyweight Champ, and no-one saw it coming. As he said, AND I QUOTE: “If anyone ever says you can’t do something, if anyone ever says you can’t live your dream... believe them. You can’t! It takes an exceptional person to prove everyone wrong and I did just that.” That’s actually the only decent bit of writing I’ve seen on any WWE program in some time, and it came from a guy who a few years ago couldn’t even introduce Diva Search contestants. Over time Miz has built up his mic work and in-ring prowess to become a worthy top-ranking contender. He’s come a long way from being a wrestler I hated, to a wrestler I love to hate. And it’s been a while since I’ve seen one of those.

Special mention goes to Chris Jericho (solely for cutting off Michael Cole before he could launch into his “May I have your attention please” bullshit), and Randy Orton for executing the two greatest in-ring moves this year: his RKO to Evan Bourne in the middle of his shooting-star press, and his RKO to Michael Cole... because he’s Michael Cole.


27.) MATCH OF THE YEAR (Other than my ass and your face)
Nominees:
Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles (Impact 1/4/10); Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels (Wrestlemania 26); Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money (Whole F'N' Show); El Generico vs. Kevin Steen (Final Battle); CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio (Over the Limit); Smackdown Money in the Bank Match; Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler (Bragging Rights); Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz (Night of Champions); Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin vs. Kings of Wrestling (Glory by Honor IX); ¡Peligro Abejas! vs. the Young Bucks vs. the Cutlers (PWG Seven); Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson (Lockdown).


Sean Carless: Taker vs. HBK. GREAT match, and maybe the first legitimate wrestling retirement that'll actually stick that didn't involve a badly rigged zip-line. Both men went out there and delivered two years in a row, and I suggest that when it was over, even HBK started to question whether he was actually backing the right long-haired dude with magic powers, known for returning from the dead, after all.


Catherine Perez: All very good matches, but for one reason or another I still remember that both Raw and Smackdown had GREAT showings in the Money in the Bank PPV (which I recapped RIGHT HERE). A nod of acknowledgement to the Danger Bees match because I fell in love with Paul London and El Generico this year thanks to their hilarious promos on YouTube, so they can do no wrong in my eyes (mostly because I'm in desperate need of a new eyewear prescription).


Blade Braxton: Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania 26. While this one lacked a Snuka family member in Village People disquise, it still was enough to entertain me...and make me thankful I'm not going bald like they are.


Derek Burgan: Hate doing match of the year because every match at the end of the year just seems so much more memorable than the beginning. Have to imagine that's why so many "Oscar Hopefuls" put their movies out right at the end of 2010 so they are still fresh in the voter's mind in March. That said, I'm going to take El Generico vs. Kevin Steen at ROH's Final Battle in a mask vs. ROH career unsanctioned match. A capper to a year-plus long feud, it contained everything that makes wrestling special. Two guys who don't have million dollar company behind them, no toys, no 7-11 cups… and they tore the house down.


Joe Merrick: Ok well I haven't seen any of these matches so I simulated them as best as I could on Smackdown vs Raw 2011, so I'll give my view based on that. Can there therefore be any doubt that CM Punk vs Mysterio was greatness encapsulated into a mere 87 minutes? The unparalleled agility Mysterio displayed as he walked around in a circle for half an hour, the inspired spot that featured CM Punk slapping the Anaconda Vise 15 times in a row, each one resulting in a rope break, and of course, the many, many, many, many reversals that, while may have appeared to destroy any semblance of fun, simply reminded us of an important truth, that there is no God.


Cameron Burge: Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money (Whole F’N’ Show). This was quite possibly one of the best tag team matches of the last decade. If you haven’t seen it, I implore you to go out and watch it, because you will not be disappointed. It’s the kind of match that you can watch multiple times and enjoy. It reminds you of the heyday of tag team when teams had synergy and weren’t just two singles wrestlers slapped together like in the WWE today. It’s a shining example of where TNA’s strong points lie and that it is certainly not in its Heavyweight division. I can’t really begin to describe all the good things about this match, just go out and watch it. You will thank yourself for it, because I was glad I did.


Esben Evans: Shawn Michaels Vs The Undertaker. For me this was a match with an impeccable build-up (that for me spanned 2 years since HBK “retired” Ric Flair) and a great execution. The match itself wasn’t as good as the one from last year, but the story was awesome.


Canadian Bacon: Giant Gonzalez vs. Undertaker, LEGIT. This time he wound up in a casket after the Rest in Peace match, after all!!11


Andariel Halo: MY ASS AND YOUR FACE! I mean, YOUR FACE AND MY ASS, WUTS UP?! Honestly, it would have to be that six man tag match from LPWT Wrestling Northern, with Jose Fuentes and Katu Matsumoto and Alan Smithee vs The Glorious Thunderheaded Wolves and Derick Evan. You know, the hot indy show where a whole 8 people were in attendance and was sold on DVD+R through that obscure wrestling website on Geocities? All the REAL smarks know that shit and know it's over 9000 times better than anything ROH has.

And yes, I did just use a stupid Joe Dirt reference in the beginning. Wut's up, bitch.


Anthony Dean: I really liked that MCMG/BM match, but can the GUNZ really not get a pinfall without doing that one double team move? Fuck if I know what it's called, but if you've seen any of their matches you know exactly what I'm talking about. The whole point of a 2/3 Falls match is for the competitors to go above and beyond what they normally do, and while it was a great match I think it was definitely anticlimactic seeing them get both wins from the same fucking finishing sequence that they always do always anyway. I will note that I didn't see any of that shit from those random bitch companies or Ziggler-Bryan, so I guess it comes down to either pick a real popular match that everyone else liked and is gonna ramble about, or just say some random one I remember. And you know what? Fuck you, I liked an Elimination Chamber match. That's right. The Smackdown one, too, with Taker and Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio and John Morrison and most notably CM Punk, whose in-match promo sealed that match in my memory, but everyone looked like a fucking star. I can't wait for Morrison to hit his peak. Great match. Also somebody else I can't remember was in it. Ziggler? Whelp, I just looked it up. It was R-Truth. Of course it was.


"Great" Scott: (PPV) Michaels vs. Undertaker (WM26); (Non-PPV) Carlito vs. Evan Bourne (Superstars, February 4). As far as the Michaels/Undertaker match, there’s no way you can doubt that the match was a classic. The buildup was awesome; the psychology was awesome; and (even though the outcome was pretty much a given) the tension and the performances in the match were pretty awesome. The match was especially good considering some of the sub-par matches on the show. As far as the non-PPV award, I felt as though an “underdog” needed to win an award, so I went through a lot of my old recaps to the highest rated match I watched on Superstars, RAW, or SmackDown. I gave the Carlito/Bourne match five stars, so I went and watched it again on Hulu. It still holds up really well, especially considering both of these guys had to know they were going nowhere with the company. You can watch it HERE.


The Sixth Child: My ass and your... oh fuck off.

Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 26 (see #32).


28.) THE BENNIFER/TOMKAT AWARD (Worst match of the year)
Nominees:
A.J. Styles vs. Abyss (Destination X); Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon (Wrestlemania); Hall and Waltman vs. Nash and Young (not this) [Destination X]; Bret Hart vs. Technical equipment; Kaitlyn vs. Maxine; Samoa Joe vs. Gunner and Murphy; JTG vs. Shad Gaspard (Extreme Rules); Divas' Match (Wrestlemania); Team 3D vs. The Nasty Boyz (any); TNA Steel Asylum Match (Impact, 1/4/10).


Sean Carless: Bret vs. Vince, for reasons already mentioned. It was like watching what appeared to be a Lesbian golfer beating a crying grandfather to death with a chair, while a series of Middle-aged people dressed for a cocktail party watched on and clapped. And I've already seen enough of those to last a lifetime.


Catherine Perez: A.J. Styles vs. Abyss is the one where everyone fell into the giant pit, right? I pick that one. I'm thinking I should've picked the sped-up, sepia-toned version with accompanying old-timey music as the best match of the year. My favorite part was Ric Flair looking like your grandpa at the Christmas party when Chelsea was carting his ass to the ring in a wheelchair. Pure gold. That Steel Asylum match was truly a sight to behold if only because the domed cage proved to be the worst-designed cage EVER. Time literally stopped when Homicide did his absolute best to escape from the hole on top. Awful way to start the year, and incredible foreshadowing of the rest of TNA's 2010.


Blade Braxton: Worst match of the year? The one which started the pyro that caught the Undertaker on fire.


Derek Burgan: Bret Hart vs. Vince Mcmahon at WrestleMania because They Knew Better.


Joe Merrick: JTG vs Shad, because the faggot on the other end signed out of Xbox Live halfway through.


Cameron Burge: There was a Diva match at Wrestlemania? TNA put on a lot of crap this year, but I don’t think anything compares to what we saw in the Bret Hart/Vince McMahon match. Just what on earth was that? Was it a wrestling match? There certainly wasn’t any of that. Was it a street fight? I think so…kind of? Really it was more of an awkward stumbling about by two men who have no business being out there anymore. It was a stretch of the imagination that it could work and it really didn’t. The Harts coming to the rescue was obviously just there to mask the trainwreck that was unfolding before our eyes. I don’t recall the match being very long, but I may or may not have passed out during it, so I’m not sure. All I know is, I’m glad that it’s over and we will never have to see it again…I pray to God that statement never comes back to bite me in the ass.


Esben Evans: Bret Hart Vs Vince McMahon. I had no qualms with Hart beating up McMahon...but it took FOREVER...it was the biggest feud of the past 13 years, it was real life animosity, and I was bored out of my skull...THAT is a bad match.


Canadian Bacon: Hall & Oates vs. Nash & Young at Destination X. And shouldn't they call Destination X, Destination O, since Orlando is always the destination, anyway? Why the unnecessary mystery?!


Andariel Halo: Abyss vs Shannon Moore in a casket match. Winner by disqualification: Abyss? Maybe.


Anthony Dean: I have no idea who Gunner and Murphy are but I have seen them nominated for so many categories so I'm going to pick them just because they sound like they must be fucking up.


"Great" Scott: Edge and Kane at Survivor Series. Yes, there were many, many matches that were worse than this (Vickie vs. Kaitlyn, anyone?), but I don’t think any match got the hype and television time that this one did, only to complete suck AND have one of the worst endings I’ve ever seen (A TIE!?!? Whaddahell?!?!). I don’t expect five-star classics out of Kane, but this match was barely watchable, and it was on a “big four” PPV.


The Sixth Child: Hornswaggle vs. Swaggie the Soaring Eagle. In keeping with the whole “Looney Tunes” vibe, it was the perfect time to drop a massive anvil on the two so they can both fuck off and die.


29.) BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT SINCE FAKE TITTIES WERE INVENTED (Most improved wrestler of the year, for whatever reason.)
Nominees:
Wade Barrett, Daniel Bryan, Alberto Del Rio, The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Doug Williams, Sheamus.


Sean Carless: Alberto Del Rio. Usually, when a Mexican takes off his mask, bad things come their way (like getting ID'd by the police). But Alberto is the exception to that rule. Instead, he is now the latest in a long line of proud multi-millionaires who not only always know how to wrestle, but somehow want to. Doesn't anyone find this odd? Why would the affluent have the sudden urge to take up pro graps? To leave the board room, take off their pants and dropkick? And got to love how poor Del Rio's Mexican heritage still cancels out his vast wealth, regardless. Motherfucker drives his own limo, for Christ's sake. I wonder if his indoor swimming pool has empty dinghy's and inner-tubes floating in it for further culture confusion?

1st Runner up: Miz; who was already pretty awesome last year. Pun intended. This acknowledgement, however, is just given for that final hurdle to the WWE Title - A hurdle only accomplished once he took his pants off. And what's up with that? Haven't you ever noticed that the more clothes a dude sheds in WWE, the closer he actually gets to the Main Event? If Miz is full-on free-balling it by Mania, he just may never lose that Title.


Catherine Perez: Wade Barrett went from being that Rookie I'd consistently make fun of and laugh at for looking like a beefed up Harland Williams to a legitimate contender to a main event title that I consistently make fun of and laugh at for looking like a beefed up Harland Williams. What an absolute gold mine of comedy at my disposal when it turned out that he had a police mugshot from 2008. HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT HORSE WAS DIABETIC! Yeah, I'm recycling jokes. YOU try thinking of stuff to write after updating 1,400 web pages, one by one, in a month!


Blade Braxton: I'll say Miz, as he's gone from THAT MOTHER FUCKER FROM MTV WHO I WISH WOULD DIE to...simply a guy who makes me just change the channel.


Derek Burgan: Have to hand it to The Miz. I was right in line with JBL thinking this guy had nothing to offer wrestling and I have to admit that I Was Wrong. Miz has been wonderful in 2010 and looking forward to what he brings to the table in 2011. He brought is the Angry Miz Girl, and that alone pushes him to the next level.


Joe Merrick: Toss-up between Sheamus and Miz. Both guys need to prove themselves a bit more in my eyes, and they've been given world title runs WAY too early, but hopefully that doesn't mean they've peaked. Gives a fuck though, really. It's wrestling.


Cameron Burge: The Miz made most of his improvements last year. No, I believe Sheamus wins this award. He went from clown shoes fuck-up to legitimate heel in the span of a year. That’s pretty impressive. He’s still not that great in the ring (though getting better every week). I attribute this to necessity. The incredibly sudden sky-rocketing of him into the Main Event was a shock to everyone and he was very undeserving of the opportunity, but he made the best of it. It worked for what it was, and his microphone skills carried him further than his in ring talent did. Thankfully, he’s managed to build a move set and some interesting matches along the way. I’m curious to see where he’ll be going with the King Sheamus bit. He had his best match of the year by far with Randy Orton just this last week on Raw. It was actually a very good showing by both men. Hats off to Sheamus. Way to go, fella.


Esben Evans: The Miz. He has improved so much that he became my Wrestler of the Year, and he keeps on getting better and perfecting his personality and in ring abilities. A year ago, everyone absolutely shat all over The Miz teaching Daniel Bryan, because he was so inferior. But he has successfully shortened the gap to a point where I would say The Miz isn’t that far after anymore...and Daniel Bryan is fucking awesome.


Canadian Bacon: These guys have fake titties? I don't think I understand the question and how that'd improve anything. If anything I'm already disturbed enough by their tiny underwear/ how aroused they make me.


Andariel Halo: Daniel Bryan. I'm not just saying that solely because he remarked on his shitty generic theme music one week, then came back next week with theme music so ridiculously buffoonishly over the top, it was EPIC WIN in all ways. I'm saying it because of that, plus he won a championship.


Anthony Dean: I literally cannot believe the strides Miz has made since first debuting. Since jobbing to Tatanka week in and week out and being booed universally by everybody because he was just so downright terrible. Since hosting the Diva Search, and that's really all that needs mentioning there, who else ever could have recovered from that. Since winning the vote over legitimate contenders at one of those Taboo Tuesday things to face the ECW Champion after being sent to ECW to die, JUST because he was so terrible and it was so hilarious to vote for him, and you just knew that was why at the time, too. Since forming one half of the best tag teams in the WWE in the last ten years with John Morrison and being hilarious on the Dirt Sheet, the ONLY WWE web show I've ever watched, let alone watched regularly, only to be labeled by everyone as the Marty Jannetty of the team. Since shedding his tag team partner, his funny guy demeanor, and his pants, and saying he was going to become a legitimate player. And doing all of it so seamlessly and naturally. I can't believe how well he plays his character on the mic and in the ring. The epitome of growing by leaps and bounds. A+++. That is all.


"Great" Scott: Sheamus. According to spell check, “titties” isn’t a real word. Come on, Microsoft, lighten up!

As far as my pick here…keep in mind that this isn’t BEST wrestler. Sheamus definitely isn’t the best in any performance category, but he’s different. People make fun of his pasty skin, but you’ve got to admit, it sets him apart from the sea of orange-skinned wrestlers that he faces on a weekly basis. During the past year, he’s grown a persona (that of a bully who backs down when threatened), he’s expanded his move set, and he’s had a great series of matches with John Morrison. Overall, this guy might not be the next Vader, but he definitely won’t be a Warlord or Berserker, either.


The Sixth Child: The Miz (see #26).

Special mention goes to Doug Williams (who has probably the best finishing move in wrestling today) and Randy Orton (his “viper” character has really developed well over the past couple of years, and has become a convincing anti-hero).


30.) I'D BUY IT... IF I COULDN'T STEAL IT (PPV of the Year)
Nominees:
WWE Wrestlemania 26, WWE Money in the Bank, TNA Lockdown, UFC 116, ROH Final Battle, ROH Death Before Dishonor VIII, WWE Royal Rumble, TNA No Surrender, ROH Glory By Honor IX, PWG Seven.


Sean Carless: That one WWE gimmick pay-per-view that no one ordered, that Vince then blamed the economy for, despite UFC still getting the same exact buyrates. I'll never forget that one. Or apparently remember it. I think it had Cena or maybe Orton fighting that one new heel they pushed. Some guy from somewhere in and around the U.K., I think. Tall kid? Distinct accent? Ya, that guy. What a year.

1st runner up: HORNY, WITH A CHANCE OF MY BALLS. Some pornos don't deliver what they promise in the title. This was the exception. Unfortunately.

2nd Runner up to avoid hate-mail: WRESTLEMANIA 26. The Grand-Daddy of them all. Although, as I once mentioned, Starrcade also made this same bold claim at one time. Who planted their seed first? Find out on the next Maury.


Catherine Perez: I pick WrestleMania every damn year. How about a little variety? I'll pick ROH Final Battle. Hey, 200 heavily biased and heavily perspiring YouTube 'shooters' can't be wrong, am I right? Right? Plus, I watched a few clips of Steen vs. Generico and it looked pretty awesome. Might have to check out the entire thing sometime so I don't look like a total dork, voting for a PPV I didn't actually watch.


Blade Braxton: Wrestling has raped my wallet so much the last 20 years, I feel like the chick from I Spit On Your Grave if she wandered onto the set of Last House On The Left. That being said, for money and sanity reasons, I only watched one WWE PPV this year, the granddaddy of them all, WrestleMania. Granddaddy needed Depends that night.


Derek Burgan: If PWG Seven can be included here, then it's my choice. Otherwise you have to go with offerings from DGUSA and ROH. Good price, great matches. If anything they over deliver, and that's something that none of the releases from WWE or TNA can say this year.


Joe Merrick: Out of principle I'm not gonna pick one for this category until WWE stops renaming their fucking PPVs after names of matches. What next, 'Don't miss YOUR CHANCE to book tickets for WWE Singles!'


Cameron Burge: Money in the Bank. What a weird PPV. It’s odd to think we had three MitB matches this year. I can only assume there won’t be one at Wrestlemania now if they continue to do this yearly. Both matches were great, Smackdown’s was especially so. The rest of the card was pretty solid for cone which is pretty rare in this day and age, but it was really worth watching just for the ladders matches which was the big draw anyway. Nobody was tuning in to see anything else or they were just kidding their selves. I can’t comment on ROH as I’m not really a fan of the company, so maybe those were better, but for WWE fans, Money in the Bank was the can’t miss PPV of the year, outshining even the bigger name hostings this time around. Hopefully Wrestlemania will be better this time around, here’s hoping.


Esben Evans: I’ve watched Wrestlemania, Bragging Rights and Night of Champions...I think the last one of them was probably the best one for me, but I can’t say if it was PPV of the year, it at least had Daniel Bryan Vs The Miz...Bash at the Beach ’96 was quite good too.


Canadian Bacon: NIGHT OF CHaMPIONS AS REVIEWED BY CANADIAN BACON! (That's me!).


Andariel Halo: TNA Turning Point 2010. I hear good things. Fun, fun, fun things.


Anthony Dean: I am tired of remembering things and writing about them so the Royal Rumble cause Edge won it and I mean how often does that happen. Edge winning the Rumble, I mean. Once. One time ever. That's how often. And I'm not exaggerating, either.


"Great" Scott: The First Half of the Survivor Series. This should be called the “Best of a Weak Crop” award. My buddies and I watched all four of the “big four” WWE pay-per-views, and this one was at least half good. Wrestlemania was a huge disappointment (except for the MITB and Michaels/Undertaker matches), the Royal Rumble was simply okay, and SummerSlam was horrible (except for the main event). This match at least had three good matches and two watchable matches before the horrendous main events (Kane/Edge and Barrett/Cen…err, sorry, Orton). So, Survivor Series essentially wins because it sucked the least of the four I watched.


The Sixth Child: Wrestlemania 26: mostly because it was the only PPV I actually ordered, and that was for the main event (see #32).


31.) WENDY WHOPPERS "BEST PAIR OF THE YEAR" (Best tag team)
Nominees:
Motor City Machine Guns, Beer Money, Nexus, Danger Bees!/¡Peligro Abejas!, Show-Miz, Hart Dynasty, Fourtune, Straight Edge Society.


Sean Carless: Definitely that one team in WWE who won the unified titles this year; that one team that looked for all intents and purposes that they would *finally* be the ones to restore prestige to the belts. You know, that team that had a few successful title defenses on pay-per-view, only to be unceremoniously and quickly broken up with no build and to no fanfare, wherein its members then sort of never crossed paths again? But man, what a team, eh?


Catherine Perez: DANGER BEES!!! As long as they stay together, I'm going to be voting for them every year. WWE's tag division took a major hit this year, but at least Show-Miz were cool until they broke up, and at least the Straight Edge Society was pretty awesome until Serena fucked it all up. Hart Dynasty would've gotten my vote if they weren't so fucking bland before breaking up. No wonder Natalya didn't give a shit that Tyson Kidd and his shitty cowlick turned on D.H.; it's not like the rest of the audience did. TWICE Kidd turned on the guy, and TWICE it was met with general apathy. Kudos to ANY tag team that stayed together this year, honestly.


Blade Braxton: When I watched WWE this year, I found that massive amounts of booze and painkillers made the show more tolerable. Therefore, I find it ironic the Straight Edge Society entertained me the most.


Derek Burgan: I want to give it to Nexus for the great moments they had, but they also had so many bad moments that it's hard to give them the nod. Straight Edge Society was very good for what it was, but how much did they do? Motor City Machineguns didn't have the highs of either group, but didn't have the downs of Nexus or the "blahs" of Straight Edge Society at points, so they get the win.


Joe Merrick: I have absolutely no idea who the Danger Bees are but they win they win so hard.


Cameron Burge: This was a good year for tag team enthusiasts. Lots of great tag team matches and great tag teams. My pick is going to the Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money (tie). I can’t really pick between the two teams, but they put on the absolute best matches this year (some better than others admittedly). Honestly, every time these guys got in the ring, they were making a highlight reel and it the effort they put into it really shows. I couldn’t really think of giving this to anyone else other than the most entertaining tag teams to step into the ring in the last few years. Now if maybe WWE could actually get a tag team division they would have more than just one tag team division match every few weeks or so. Remember when people actually cared about tag team wrestling? TNA remembers…when it isn’t promoting EV 2.


Esben Evans: I only watch WWE and old WCW episodes at the moment...so...I don’t really feel qualified to give a good answer...Show-Miz I guess...


Canadian Bacon: Fourtune, who not only wrestled good this year but also taught me new math. 1+1+1+1+1 = 5, and 5 members minus basic math skills = FOURTUNE!!111

1st runner up is Nash & Young for the LULZ. Like they totally shoulda been called Nash & Old because Nash is old and it'd be like a double meaning. HILARIOUS!


Andariel Halo: I would've said "What tag teams?" but then I remember TNA still has some. I would say Motor City Machine Guns, but they move so fast I can't tell what they're doing so I can't judge if they're good or not.


Anthony Dean: Murder Central Motor Guys, bar none. Fourtune? Fucking seriously? Fuck that. Fuck. THAT.


"Great" Scott: (Tie) The Colons and Santino Marella/Vladimir Kozlov. Most people probably don’t remember the Colons even tagged up again…but there was an episode of Superstars where Primo and Carlito were in a match and Carlito stopped things and said that the two of them needed to stop jobbing (okay, I’m ad libbing) and team up as heels. It was an awesome moment and I really thought it was going to rejuvenate the tag team division. Unfortunately, this is the WWE we’re talking about, and Carlito was given his walking papers shortly thereafter.

So, because the Colons aren’t a team anymore, I’ll give a second award to the current “Comedy Team of the Year.” As I mentioned before, these two aren’t The Road Warriors, but they’re more entertaining than most of the teams of last five years.


The Sixth Child: The Kozlov/Cobra Connection (aka - Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov). It seems that you can put Santino with anyone and strike gold. While the whole “wrestling’s odd couple” bit is older than Mae Young, this tag-team has become all kinds of funny. The time Marella sang “We Are The Champions” while a straight-faced Kozlov waved his lighter was hilarious. And Kozlov getting his own chant when RAW was in Britain was one of the year’s most surreal moments.

Special mention goes to Generation Me. They’re like a leaner version of the Hardy Boyz when they were starting out; as in their mic skills may need work, but their in-ring abilities are fucking phenomenal.


32.) FULL-FRONTAL FEUDITY (Feud of the Year)
Nominees:
Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels, CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio, Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson, Nexus vs. RAW, Bubba the Love Sponge vs. Awesome Kong, El Generico vs. Kevin Steen, John Cena vs. Batista, The Miz vs. Daniel Bryan, John Cena vs. Nexus, Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio, Matt Hardy vs. The last shreds of his sanity, MATTHEW HARDY vs. Lack of capitalization.


Sean Carless: The People vs. Jeff Hardy. The follow-up blow-off in the Cell should be incredible.


Catherine Perez: Matt Hardy vs. his sanity, for sure. His YouTube videos can be strung together into one AMAZING Pay-Per-View event, or, even better, a somber A&E Documentary that rivals Finding Hulk Hogan in terms of grittiness and overall cheese factor. I suppose I should choose a real feud, too. Let's go with Nexus vs. RAW, because it was the PERFECT feud until the addition of Cena ruined everything. Can't we have ONE feud where Cena doesn't become the focal point all of a sudden? Although, it was funny to watch Cena defend RAW to the very end despite no one coming to his aid when Nexus pummeled the shit out of him.


Blade Braxton: Awesome Kong vs. Bubba the Love Sponge. There hasn't been this much bad blood between two fat asses since I saw a huge argument break out over lukewarm steak in a Golden Corral buffet line in 2006.


Derek Burgan: I'd love to give this to "Matthew" Hardy as he did actually drive me to watch YouTube, but I personally found much more satisfaction in the Awesome Kong/Bubba the Love Sponge feud. Whether it was the breaking news on wrestling sites, Bubba's explanation on his radio show, or Bubba's radio sneak attack on Kong after the fact, I was gripped by this feud.


Joe Merrick: Bubba vs Kong. Bubba manages to make some of my old rants look like nursery rhymes. Just another piece of shit flung at a wall that typifies TNA.


Cameron Burge: Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels. Come on, you knew this was going to be on here. They had my match of the year pick last time they mixed it up at Wrestlemania, so the rematch had my attention from the word go. Michaels sold this feud as if it were life or death and Taker come into it looking very strong after his title reign. The build-up of Shawn desperately forcing Taker’s hand to take on the match was gripping. It’s funny that a feud could be consistent of just two matches, that were more than a year apart, and yet here we are, and you didn’t even notice. They made you care who won this match and actually get excited for the false finishes which is something so rare these days. Yeah, everything about this feud was pure A quality goodness. Shawn Michaels has now moved on to his other life-long feud, that with mother nature whom he plans to shoot right in its doe-eyed face.


Esben Evans: Kane Vs The Undertaker. Fuck it! I liked it! Yes, it was ridiculously one-sided, but we all wait for Taker to come back and kick his ass at Wrestlemania. Yes, the matches weren’t that stellar, but it was an awesome call back to their first feud and it brought Paul Bearer back, which was awesome...well, until Kane was portrayed like a pussy in the feud against Edge.


Canadian Bacon: Daniel Bryan vs. JUSTICE. I know they say he got fired for strangling Justin Roberts (RIP) to death with his tie, but i heard through my sources who've never once talked to me (the dave Meltzer) that it was done to appease the PETA people. You see, Danielson has been MUTILATING CATTLE for YEARS, and WWE had to finally cover it up/ apologize to the country of India since cows are like gods there. It's also the true legit reason why you haven't seen Great Khali since Bryan came back. He's still offended/terrible.


Andariel Halo: Jeff Hardy vs Moore County, North Carolina. It's so epic, it started LAST year, and it's STILL GOING STRONG!


Anthony Dean: I liked Edge-Orton and thought that could've gone on longer, and CM Punk-Rey Mysterio was alright, pretty long, the SES was kind of stupid but Punk definitely strengthened it just by being Punk, but it seems like a pretty weak feud of the year. I pick the ongoing real life feud between Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett, which has been simmering at a low burn ever since Jarrett married the former Karen Angle earlier this year, and that's hilarious.


"Great" Scott: Kaitlyn vs. Vickie Guerrero…Just Kidding…Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio. This feud has been really good over the last few months (the Del Rio/Mysterio one, not the other one). It’s a perfect blend of everything that makes feuds good (mean/nice, modesty/arrogance, loves the fans/hates the fans, rich folks/common folks, can get on rides at Disney World/can’t get on rides at Disney World). These two have put on some pretty good shows, even their non-PPV matches have bee good (capped off by a really good tag match last week on SmackDown). These two really compliment each other, and I hope this is enough evidence that Del Rio deserves a push at a major title in the near future.


The Sixth Child: Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker. It was epic in every sense of the word; two of the greatest wrestlers to ever grace the ring, in a battle that was built on honour and respect, rather than all-out hatred. Its slow build-up alone made it more unique than anything else going round throughout the year, resulting in two brilliant Wrestlemania matches. The theatrics of their WM25 encounter alone were phenomenal, and while WM26 wasn’t quite as good, the stakes were high enough to ensure it would stick in people’s minds forever. It was wrestling in its best and purest form. Now it’s just a matter of time before HBK ruins it by eventually returning to the ring ala Ric Flair.


33.) "LIKE SCROTUM, HERE IT IS IN A NUTSHELL" (Single defining moment of 2010, good or bad)
Nominees:
Shane McMahon leaves WWE; Bret Hart returns to WWE; Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels bury the hatchet; Worst WWE tag team division in history; Tag team wrestling outside of WWE enjoys a great year regardless; ECW surely and truly dies; The fan favorite winner of NXT2 is jobbed out and released; WWE shits all over their own huge, game-changing storyline (CeNexus); Shawn Michaels retires; Hogan and Bischoff "help" TNA cement their status as WCW 2.0; WWE programming suffers as a result of Linda McMahon's Senatorial campaign; WWE and TNA prove that misogyny is alive and well in the wrestling world; The Nexus shit-stomps Monday Night RAW.


Sean Carless: STAND UP FOR WWE.



Or Don't. Whichever.


Catherine Perez: I suppose that I feel somewhat obligated as a woman to give my vote to the absolutely fuck-awful treatment of the TNA Knockouts division after the arrival of Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff in January. News of insultingly low pay becoming public, the releases of competent talent (remember when valuing in-ring prowess over looks was the selling point of the division? Me neither) in favor of a bad batch from the WWE Diva Cloning Factory, and, of course, the embarrassing handling of the Awesome Kong/Bubba the Love Sponge situation are all more than enough reason to consider 2010 the year that TNA one-upped WWE in the field of treating female talent like nothing more than a Rolodex of useless eye candy. "No Divas here", indeed...

BUT~! I'm not giving that my vote. No, my vote goes to Hulk Hogan, who CRUSHED the inner children of millions when, at the end of his documentary "Finding Hulk Hogan", he gave us too much of an intimate look at his backstage pre-show ritual and PRE-CUT HIS TEAR-AWAY T-SHIRT. WITH SCISSORS. ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. 2010: THE YEAR EVERYTHING BECAME A LIE.


Blade Braxton: In a nutshell, it was the last unfinished storyline that long time fans of wrestling had to look forward to. At the end of the botched Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon storyline, I'm convinced there's not much left for me. Time to send my love for mainstream American wrestling out for a joyride on a motorcycle without a helmet.


Derek Burgan: Nexus tearing down Raw was one of the only moments in years where I was actually telling my non-wrestling friends (who used to like wrestling) that Something Cool Actually Happened. Should have known it would have fizzled out, but man, what a start.


Joe Merrick: Bischoff and Hogan. It says everything you need to know about the industry. No-one, even the ones fully involved with years of experience, learns a damn thing in wrestling. The mainstream landscape is formed by two companies who are basically doing the exact same thing: sacrificing entertainment and talent, WWE with its PG attitude, and TNA with its desperate attempt at being something it's not. WWE is more forgivable as at the very least it's making a reasonable business decision. TNA loses points for not taking advantage of a golden opportunity here. WWE is now lacking appeal for a big demographic because it's catering more towards kids, and instead of pushing itself to appeal to this demographic with awesome matches and intriguing angles, TNA decides to cling to the past in a huge way. This is what defines 2010 because it shows how little progression has really been made. Other than that, Nexus assraping Raw was pretty rad.


Cameron Burge: I just want to say I do not approve of the IWC love for Nexus. I feel like it’s based entirely around liking them because they Cena lovers hate them, which is fucking dumb. Anyway, the year as defined in a nutshell…There were so many defining moments of the year. Shane leaving really jumps out but two things in particular defined this year, so I’ll tie it between them (I did that a lot this year). First, Hogan and Bischoff declare WCW 2.0 to the horrified masses. What most specifically angers me about this is that Hogan gave a promo recently in which he buried the entire wrestling business in a “shoot” promo that insulted Team 3D (you know…a top draw of your brand), but saying nobody cared how many fake titles they won. He said Raven doesn’t draw which is why he’s fired. He said a lot of things that just made the business look BAD. I mean really bad. It was so late-era WCW that it was frightening. Why couldn’t we have early 90’s WCW instead? The other thing is Shawn Michaels’ retirement. Nobody thought he was really retiring until he did. It really showed that wrestling now belong to the new generation, the Ortons, Zigglers, and CM Punks of the world. It’s their show now and we have to adjust to that. So let’s see how it goes with a fresh new year. Bring on 2011 (I’m scared).


Esben Evans: For me it was when NXT invaded Raw. I didn’t see it live, but I read the headline the day after and I immediately scrambled to find the clip, and it was awesome. But even better it made me feel like I did just when I began to watch wrestling. It was sweet...it never really recaptured that afterwards, but yeah...


Canadian Bacon: WWE is PG!!!111 I haven't been able to watch a single show in over a year since my Mom won't ever agree to accompany me. Thanks A LOT, WWE. I've prolly missed a lot of memories indelibly etched into the anals of time. (which i imagine is at least a nice, warm, dark place to store them.)


Andariel Halo: For me, it would be this:



You could say it is emblematic of the dramatic shift in character undergone by one of the mainstays, whether you like it or not, of the WWE scene, former play-by-play commentator Michael Cole. His previously drab, dry, unlikeable countenance as the play-by-play received a sudden infusion of ATTITUDE with the likes of Daniel Bryan and NXT season 3. It's something we haven't seen in YEARS of the WWE, a commentator with personality that is boistrous, and controversial---loads of people hate him, and loads of people happily declare themselves "Cole Miners".

Or you could say it's a guy banging on a gong and saying the show sucks.


Anthony Dean: I think John Cena utterly destroying Wade Barrett at TLC was pretty symbolic, with Cena representing the old guard, the face you just know you're going to be seeing for years and years to come, and Wade Barrett representing the young wrestlers who will try to rise up and prove themselves and take the spots of the old guard by force, and all the chairs Cena dumped on the thoroughly defeated Barrett representing the harshness of the struggle and the punishment he and all who he represents will have to endure, and in the end turn up pretty much emptyhanded, failing to succeed the old guard, and the lack of interference representing that there is nothing anyone can do to change or stop anything. There's nothing you or anyone can do to stop an avalanche of chairs. You just can't do it.


"Great" Scott: (Tie) Daniel Bryan Returns and Cena’s Fired…Not Really. I picked these two events because they help to define WWE’s success and failure as succinctly as possible. On one hand, you have the WWE doing what it’s fans are begging them to do: bringing a back an “Internet darling” because he’s wildly popular with the “smart crowd.” The results were mind boggling. If you haven’t seen SumerSlam, find it and watch the main event. I’m sure if it’s a WWE version, they’ll have toned down the cheering, but the crowd went BANANAS when Daniel Bryan was announced as the final team member.

On the opposite hand, you have the dickless version of the WWE, the one that thinks it can’t succeed if John Cena isn’t on EVERY POSSIBLE EPISODE OF PROGRAMMING. I thought it was a pretty bold move to have him “do what was right,” and make the count on Wade Barrett, but they didn’t even keep Cena off WWE programming for ONE DAMN NIGHT! Now that Nexus isn’t around, Cena’s going to be killing the credibility of guys like Dolph Ziggler until he can get back into a title picture and inevitably win before WrestleMania. It’s a shame that WWE can’t let the Daniel Bryans and Alberto Del Rios have some fun for a while…but that’s why they’ll never be as successful as they were during the “Attitude Era.”


The Sixth Child: Bret Hart returns to WWE. It was a moment we thought would never happen, but 2010 started with a bang as the Hitman appeared on WWE TV for the first time in 13 years. It was genuinely exciting at first, but by the time his contract expired in November (following a woeful Wrestlemania appearance and multiple screw-ups on the mic) I was sick to fucking death of it.
While I’m happy Bret Hart has reached some kind of peace with the WWE as a result, it signifies the slaughtering of the company’s biggest sacred cow. There was always a little bit of excitement whenever someone mentioned Hart’s name or the Montreal Screwjob, because it was a legitimate landmark moment in wrestling history. But now that it’s been resolved, WWE has no more trump cards to play. The only options they have now are to create new stars and map out the next era for WWE. But since that actually requires effort and direction, we know that shit ain’t gonna happen.


34) PHOTOSHOP OF THE YEAR:

Almost every year, TWF is responsible for more wrestling themed photoshops than ANY Wrestling website in the known galaxy and quadrant -- photoshops then subsequently stolen and used by your fat ass on some random message board somewhere, and then subsequently passed off as your own creation. But, regardless of your cuntery, it's still time to honor the best of the worst of those 'shops! Some people might say that the time & effort put into creating hundreds of images of Vince McMahon being raped by panda bears could be better used; to like say, stop cancer (not HHH), but hey, what fun is that? And besides, just because we can make it look like Stephanie McMahon gave birth to a fully grown & dressed Randy Savage doesn't mean we should be trusted with manipulating cells and trying to cure disease. WE MAKE PICTURES. WE'RE NOT SCIENTISTS! That said,  10 of the best TWF 'Shops are nominated below , but only one could win the prestigious and coveted Goose-Egg -An Award so vaunted and valuable that it's PRICELESS... mostly because no soul on earth would pay for it, and it's worth absolutely nothing.

Nominees: Biebermania; Big Show is Destro; Mr. Anderson in the Matrix; John Cena & Bret Hart in Twilight; HBKill; Hulk's Immortals; Drew McIntyre in AVATAR;  Miz in the Ring; I'm with Koko; Nash Goodfellas Oil Painting

Winner: MIZ AND ANGRY MIZ GIRL IN "THE RING":



1st RUNNER UP: TNA GOES TWILIGHT IN "HULK'S IMMORTALS".



2nd RUNNER UP: RANDY ORTON PUTS AN END TO  'JUSTIN BIEBER AT WRESTLEMANIA' RUMORS IN "BIEBERMANIA".



3rd RUNNER UP: HBK HUNTS BEAR IN HIS OWN UNIQUE WAY IN HBKILL: SHAWN MICHAELS, ANNIHILATING GODLESS KILLING MACHINES IN THE NAME OF GOD


35.) WRITER OF THE YEAR:

Quick & Dirty: Who was the best TWF writer in 2010? Or should we say, WHO WAS THE ONLY WRITER in 2010? Remember when we had more than 4 people? Dear Christ.

Nominees: Everyone on Staff who's contributed at least 5 regular columns in the 2010 calendar year.

Winner: Ok, Ok, I'm calling an audible here. I could have gone through the rigmarole of an actual vote, but fuck you; that'd have just been a reminder of how lazy we've fucking been this year, and how many people we've lost by proxy of it. Instead, I've decided to award a man, whom regardless of circumstance, weather, and wrestlers annihilating their family,  continued to deliver, week-in and week-out; a man who maybe took 2 nights off in 6 YEARS of recapping; and a man, WHO ACTUALLY SUBMITS HIS REVIEWS LIKE THE NIGHT OF THE SHOW. (hint, hint). You know I have to be talking about CAMERON BURGE - THE HARDEST WORKING MAN IN TWF HISTORY.  So, soak it up, bro. You've earned it. Ok, now give me back that plaque. We only have one and you're kind of a placeholder until I get it again. (I keed).


Ok, that's it for 2010. THANK GOD. Now pass me that clicker from that Sandler movie. I want to forget this shit ever happened. 2011, HERE WE CUM.