NOTE BY SEAN CARLESS: Welcome
to the 85th ANNUAL FANNY AWARDS
- a return to what we do best here at TheWrestlingFan.com: POSTING OLD
COLUMNS AND MAYBE SOME TV REVIEWS ON SHOWS YOU DON'T EVEN WATCH ANYMORE.
Err, I mean, scathing year-end fare designed solely to offend, bemuse,
and hopefully even sicken - if only a little bit. (And trust me, it's
coming.). It contains foul language, perverse sexual situations, and humor
that will likely deeply disturb many. Hell, this year, it even contains
a photoshop that will not only HAUNT YOUR DREAMS, but may, in actuality,
lead you to never again regaining consciousness. Even Freddy Krueger puked,
and normally nothing fazes that guy.
That said, you may have noticed an all new look here, and that can be
entirely attributed to CATHERINE PEREZ, a woman who, after weeks
of painstakingly redesigning & repairing my HTML blunderfucks, decided
to take the reins here at TWF from me for the time being, and usher TWF
back to its prior glory and cult status - a time when you first remembered
being offended, rather than just being kindly reminded with a re-post.
That's right, in the coming weeks, new satires will be made; new columns
AND columnists added; a veritable new direction of ridiculousness will
abound. I too will be trying my best to get my creative juices flowing
again (and whatever other one's that may accidentally spill out). It will
be like one big "We Are The World" 1980's sing-along, only with
more allusions to ass fucking and jacking off. (or any.).
With that in mind, I'd like to thank my good friend Blade Braxton
for helping a brother out and contributing to the madness, as well as
those first-timers here who'll be popping their Fanny cherry, and holy
shit that sounds horrible. Even from me. And as you'll see, I apparently
forfeited my soul entirely with my submissions this year. I'd like to
apologize now to those families I may have offended. But not really.
So yes, your pleas have been heard! (bar, "Please let me out of
this wine cellar! I promise I won't tell anyone what you did!").
WE ARE BACK! So let's get to the festivities. LET'S
GET TO THE 85th ANNUAL FANNY AWARDS!
1.) THE FALSE FINISH. This
is the award that honors one star, saying "I can't fucking believe he/she
lived another year."
Nominees: Mae Young, Scott Hall, Jake Roberts, Jeff Hardy, Matt
Hardy, Hulk Hogan, Kurt Angle, Sabu.
Sean Carless: Maybe
Undertaker? I don't know; dude's always getting buried alive or set on
fire anyway, so it's bound to stick sooner or later. And how awkward will
THAT legit funeral be one day? You just know that half the people there
will be waiting for the lightning bolt to hit the casket and reanimate
the fucker, while another guy will probably just grab a nearby urn from
the office and try to bring him back that way. It'll just be too ridiculous
to even fathom. I mean, Hell, they'll probably even claim that the resident
Mortician rolled Taker into his coffin BY HIMSELF - but as we all know,
it usually takes at least 12 dudes, in their underwear, after a series
of finishers, to finally get this guy into a box. And don't even get me
started on the cremation services that first see someone hack holes in
the casket with a pick-axe and then pour gasoline into the openings.
I JUST DON'T BUY IT.
My real choice, though, is Hulk Hogan; a man seemingly bound and determined
to prove Gorilla Monsoon a liar after he dare declare Hulk's immortality
at Wrestlemania 6. That's right, according to A&E special "Finding Hulk
Hogan" - and how hard would that be? Not too many 300 pound orange dudes
walking around in Speedos & boas these days - Hulk revealed that he was
indeed contemplating suicide; and after giving thought to the exciting
video-game inspired Luchador, he even thought of offing himself. (I imagine
the suicide note went something like this: "When it comes crashing
down and it hurts inside..."). Apparently the only thing that stopped
him, though, was that the noose he fashioned from old yellow t-shirts
kept tearing. How ironic. And complete lies on my part.
But hey, just because I think Hulk might soon be addressing God, in
person, finally, as "the big man upstairs", and then finding out how
much he probably hates that, it doesn't mean I want to see it. Quite the
contrary. That's the worst thing that could happen to WWE's edit team
EVER, and thus the DVDs I buy, since they convinced us Flair's stable
was called the Three Horsemen in 1996...
Gorilla Monsoon at Wrestlemania 6: "Hulkamania will indeed live
for... approximately 20 more years until taking its own life."
See? Not the same. (Although, in this case, with the Hogans, and unlike
Benoit, I'm sure the company and the world might forgive one family annihilation...)
Catherine Perez: Man,
did you guys see Mae Young challenge Layla and Michelle to a match recently?
Not since Bret Hart's return have I been so frightened for the well-being
of the elderly. Will someone please get that poor woman a fucking Hoveround
so I don't get the heebie-jeebies every time she does so much as lean
forward? I have a grandma; I know the horrors that follow the forward
lean. Aside from all that, I vote for Hulk Hogan. He just recently had
a rod shoved up his ass to straighten his back out! And with the, um,
shocking (?) revelation that he contemplated suicide after Linda squeezed
every penny out of his bank account like they were fresh Florida oranges,
I guess it's not long before Hulk seeks out a way to body slam himself
off this mortal coil.
Blade Braxton: I would,
as always, say that Mae Young is the top candidate for this award. However,
I refuse to believe that walking, c-word spewing corpse that looked like
Mae Young on Raw this year actually had a pulse. Therefore, I'm going
for a first-timer this year, Hulk Hogan. He seemed to fall apart faster
in 2010 than the space shuttle Challenger.
Derek Burgan: This might
be the toughest of all categories because of a gigantic pile up at the
top. Would anyone have been surprised had Matt Hardy had choked to death
on a grape? Would it make the headline of the Observer had The Charismatic
Enigma had gone up with his trailer in a meth lab explosion? Has Superstar
Billy Graham had every single organ in his body replaced yet? I'd have
to imagine the people behind the Darwin Awards wouldn't even believe half
the stories about wrestlers. Hogan probably should have died of embarrassment
during the Hasselhoff Roast, but my pick for the category is going to
be VERNE GAGNE. I have a little experience with people being moved into
the memory care units because of Alzheimer's and it can rapidly speed
up the end of their life. Throw in that Verne's actions helped kill another
patient and you have to think Gagne is being kept mostly away from other
people, which again would in theory have a massive negative impact on
Joe Merrick: Is it not
kinda ironic that Roberts has outlived many species of reptile? It's probably
actually gonna take a meteor to finish this pickled fucker off.
Cameron Burge: Is it
that time of year again? The time when we all sit around and make fun
of some dying old fart "HAHA I'M YOUNG FUCK YOU!" ...Good! I love doing
that! Would you believe that until I read the nominees here, I actually
though Jake the Snake was dead. He sure looks dead. Still, I'm going to
go ahead and give this award to Mae Young who I'm surprised didn't shatter
both her hips in just walking out to challenge LayCool to that "match"
that I never want to see nor think of ever again for fear that I will
burst into fire and start tearing my eyes out with my bare fucking hands.
I feel like I can see worms who have showed up early for the party wriggling
around under her skin, and if that mental image disturbs you than just
remember to picture her in that stupid bathing suit wrestling outfit and
you'll be screaming and rolling on the ground in pain soon enough, but
at least you won't be thinking about the worms anymore. Which is really
worse? You decide.
Esben Evans: Scott Hall.
That man is seriously a medical marvel that has astounded doctors for
years and made them go “WHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!?”. He has single handedly proven
that you can survive with pure grain alcohol substituting blood and it’s
amazing that he’s survived another year when there’s a huge risk of him
combusting into flames when standing too close to a heat source due to
him perspiring vodka and his breath being extremely flammable...in other
words, he’s a huge fucking drunk.
Canadian Bacon: Prolly
Batista, since he's an animal and they don't tend to live 2 long and such.
most of the time, though, you can just go to the pet store and replace
them with something identical, but prolly not batista because where ru
gonna find another guy just like him? Oh.
Andariel Halo: That
guy, with the drug thing, and the championships. You know the one. WWE
guy, really. Kind of a fan favorite guy, but now tons of people hate him.
Mmmm, OH YEAH, CM Punk. He best watch out for 2011, he might get shanked
by a Hardy boy.
Anthony Dean: This is
probably going to be a pretty popular answer, but for a (team) extremely
good reason, JEFF HARVEY. Not necessarily because of all the police raids
and mysterious fires that seem to plague his harem of sketchy double-wides
in the North Carolina woods, but more for just trying to get by on a TNA
salary, especially with his rockstar lifestyle of artistically building
towering obelisks of trash in the front yard and goin' muddin, not to
mention his mounting legal fees and perennially-impending drug charges.
I remember reading recently on reslezone a resler was quoted as saying
the average TNA midcarder makes less than $500 a match before taxes, and
that's without covering the hotel or health insurance. And since as far
as I can tell TNA's latest strategy to save money is to book all their
wrestlers really poorly so the fans will lose interest in them and their
stock will go down and management won't have to pay them as much, it's
really only a matter of time before Jeff's down to scrutinizingly combing
through all the probably mismatched carpet in his trailer for some stray
bits and crumbs of anything that will numb the pain of stark mediocrity.
So, yeah. Pretty good chance that the next great wrestling scandal will
involve starving wrestlers. If science could just find a way to make somas
more nutritious or even a legitimate source of food, everyone's problems
would be solved. Or severely compounded. No one's a fortune teller so
all that's really up for speculation.
"Great" Scott: Jake
"The Snake" Roberts. Yup, old Jake lasted another year. I don’t know how
he manages to shuffle on this mortal coil while we’ve lost the likes of
Test, Curt Hennig, and Rick Rude. Honorable mentions go to Scott “Alka”
Hall, The Iron Sheik, and Mae Young, who I didn’t even know was still
alive until they trotted her out for the RAW WWF edition they had a month
or so ago.
The Sixth Child: Every
year I give the same answer: Mae (not so) Young. But this category has
become kinda redundant seeing that a lot of wrestlers can’t even make
it past the age of 50; Chris Kanyon (40), Luna Vachon (48), Giant Gonzalez
(44) and Lance Cade (29) among others. But Mae just keeps on going like
the Energizer Bunny; a shrivelled, barely mobile Energizer Bunny.
2.) YER FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!
Best instance of a company giving some fuck-up his walking papers.
Nominees: Tommy Dreamer, Eric Escobar, Hurricane Helms, Charlie
Haas, Lance Cade, Mickie James, Shelton Benjamin, Funaki (!!!), Carlito,
Serena, Matt Hardy, MVP, Kaval, Bubba the Love Sponge, Scott Hall.
Sean Carless: Most are
going to likely pick Matt Hardy; a man who allegedly feigned insanity/healthy
eating just to get out of his WWE contract so he can join TNA; and thus
reunite with his brother, Jeff, before he himself debuts at a new kind
of LOCKDOWN: the kind where three hundred pound black guys who look like
John Coffey rape you until your dead - only without the neat ability to
siphon your pain and disease into his own immense body. But that's not
my choice. My actual choice is Bubba the Love Sponge. A man who was punched
in the face by Awesome Kong, en route to getting fired by TNA, and then
losing his radio gig a couple of weeks ago as well. Couldn't have happened
to a nicer guy that I actually have no idea as to who he is, and only
chose because I couldn't think of anyone else.
Special mention: Serena's breasts and the diva attached to them. I was
hoping they'd at least reveal that CM Punk was a fraud, and secretly transporting
bootlegged whisky in the confines of her chest. You know, a whole throwback
to his gangster persona at Wrestlemania 22, and finally, a practical explanation
for my insatiable urge to tap her.
Catherine Perez: FUNAKI!
FIRED! Egads, man. Honestly, though, I can't fucking believe Scott Hall
was brought back to TNA, let alone long enough to get canned again. This
year, though, my heart tells me to choose Bubba the Love Sponge. It's
good to know that TNA realized that this guy totally outlived his usefulness
after Mick Foley put that mighty fine pimp hand of his to good use and
slapped the love right out of the Sponge. It truly was a sight to behold.
Not that TNA deserves any kind of praise here, especially after they shitcanned
Awesome Kong in favor of a guy who was giving Eric Bischoff himself a
run for his money in the Little Mr. Smug Shit Pageant. In the end, Bubba
got his face smacked twice, fired from TNA, his radio show cancelled in
Miami, and then fired from his satellite radio gig. Awesome Kong? Reportedly
moving on to greener pastures with WWE. I'm sure there's some kind of
beautifully appropriate Chinese proverb that I can finish this with, but
there's about 30 more categories to go and all I can think of is "Man
with hole in pocket feel cocky all day."
Blade Braxton: Matt
Hardy. With all the steroid/pain pill deaths on the WWE's watch, it's
a good idea that the WWE released him before they had a huge, controversial
in-ring Type-2 diabetes death scandal on their hands.
Derek Burgan: WWE gets
this one easy for not only having the balls to get rid of one of it's
biggest draws in Jeff Hardy, but then allowing CM Punk to come out after
the fact and bury Jeff ten feet under afterwards, leading to one of the
more jaw dropping moments of 2010 with an Out Of His Mind "Jeffrey" Hardy
shooting an internet promo on Punk. WWE has often turned the other head
to flashing red lights if those people happened to be bringing in a lot
of money, but this time the Main Event Ten Strikes policy finally worked.
Joe Merrick: Ok seriously
because I've not followed wrestling...at ALL lately some of these are
a bit of a shock. I mean, MVP was actually talented, popular, AND black.
I'm gonna go with Dreamer, because the man has, like the rest of ECW,
reduced his legacy to a pathetic gimmick and the less seen of him the
Cameron Burge: Poor
Funaki was on his way to winning a Stevie Richards award too. That's too
bad. This award is well-earned by everyone's favorite racist, Bubba the
Love Sponge. Well, he's not my favorite racist, that would be Walt Disney,
oh you lovable Jew-hater. Bubba had this coming, and it's almost amazing
he survived as long as he did in a world where the slightest racial slip
up usually results in instant pariah status as if you were Kramer. I'm
glad to see him gone, and by see him gone, I mean I would see him gone
if I ever actually watched TNA's crappy show.
Esben Evans: Heeey,
what do you know, TNA actually made a good decision, firing Scott Hall
was a thumbs up from me...well, of course they had to make that decision
after hiring the guy for the 3rd time...fool me once shame on you, fool
me twice shame on me, fool me three times HOLY FUCK GET IT ALREADY, HE’S
A FUCK UP!! I mean did it really surprise anyone that he got arrested
for being drunk and disorderly? That’s basically a description of the
last 13-15 years for him.
Canadian Bacon: Prolly
that Lance Cade who also got released from living. Man. he can't do anything
Andariel Halo: Remember
that time Ken Kennedy broke his hand or whatever, missed a load of time,
then came back, braggadosed to the media about steroids and made himself
look a fool, got caught using steroids and suspended, came back and got
injured, then came back and got shitcanned for supposedly almost breaking
Randy Orton in a botched move? Yeah, for this year I pick Mike Knox.
Anthony Dean: Gonna
go out on a limb and say Carlito. I thought he was an alright guy, but
he failed my ultimate litmus test for determining whether a midcarder
has true main-eventing SUPERSTAR potential – I had a really hard time
conceivably getting the belt on him in General Manager Mode on Smackdown
vs Raw. I don't know if it's because I'm so brainwashed by the WWE telling
me some guys are inherently shit by giving some wrestlers like Cena and
Triple H the ability to pin 90% of the roster in under six minutes or
what, but I will say that I've taken Braden Walker to an eight-month long
world title reign and every match of it was loved by both the virtual
in-game audience and the much more critical audience in my head that's
basically just me with my voice running down all the things I do and making
myself feel like shit. Just saying. But with Carlito, no matter what I
did it always seemed so bullshitty. There was just nothing I could do
to make him legit. But if you're wondering, and we both know you are so
you can go ahead and quit faking that uninterested scowl, I did finally
find a way to get the world title on him, but only after putting him in
charge of a stable, Carlito's Crew, an islander/pseudo-pirate stable consisting
of Carlito, Paul Burchill, Umaga, and former tanned diva Amy Giovanni,
and all their wins were riddled with swashbuckling craftiness and blatant
cheating. I have a very old edition of Smackdown vs Raw, you caught me.
Anyway. Probably didn't lose any future PPV buys by cutting Carlito loose
is all I'm trying to say.
"Great" Scott: Vance
Archer. The funny part of this firing is that Vance (or Lance, if you’d
like me to get all smark on you), thinks WWE “dropped the ball” with him.
Ummm, yeah, I’m sure the WWE won’t be able to find another tall guy with
a Grizzly Adams beard with a limited move set and no mic skills whatsoever.
You been watching NXT lately, Lance?
The Sixth Child: Did
Goldberg actually spear Donald Trump in the boardroom after being fired
from “The Apprentice”? No? Damn.
I’m gonna go with Bubba the Love Sponge. Tweeting “Fuck Haiti” after one
of the worst natural disasters in recent memory isn’t “shooting from the
hip”, Bubba. It’s called being a monumental douche. The other parting
gift other than his walking papers was Awesome Kong handing his ass to
him on a silver platter, but it was a damn shame that she was the next
to go as a result.
3.) POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR.
Backstage maneuvering should be rewarded in year-end awards, just like
it's rewarded in real life.
Nominees: The corporate sponsor that got Daniel Bryan fired in
June, Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, Michelle McCool/The Undertaker, Vince
McMahon, Richard Blumenthal.
Sean Carless: Definitely
not Linda McMahon! AMIRITE?! Nudge*Nudge.
But seriously, for me, it has to be the respective trifecta of Eric Bischoff,
Hulk Hogan & Vince Russo. A trio, who combined, embody the captain of
the Titanic having somehow jumped off the ship before impact (HIYO), surviving,
and then getting a new liner ten years later - only to again steer it
right toward another iceberg. (Glacier's Jewish cousin). WHAT IS THE WORST
THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Catherine Perez: Hulk
Hogan and Eric Bischoff without a doubt. Now that Hogan's wrestling career
is over forever, what with the back surgery and all, I think he and Bisch
will find that a transition into American politics would be as smooth
as a baby's ass. How they managed to turn TNA into a second-rate WCW in
only one year's time is beyond me. Everywhere they go turns into WCW!
These two remind me of Bucky Taylor from Rocko's Modern Life, only with
less bathrooms and more WCW (quite the reference, eh?). Big ups to Michelle
McCool for getting to carry half a title belt and being recognized as
"co-champion", even when Layla was the sole official champ.
I mean, you never saw Triple H carrying half a World Heavyweight Championship
strap around ever. Michelle is definitely breaking new ground in terms
of backstage politicking, and she'll probably be my winner in the 2011
Fannys if she keeps it up!
Blade Braxton: I have
been a part of WrestleCrap.com for the last eight years. A part of me
finds perverse pleasure in watching shitty wrestling of days gone by.
Sadly, my VCR broke down this year, and I was unable to get my nostaglia
fix. Thanks to Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan conning the Carter family,
I was able to see WCW Thunder in HD on Spike on Mondays/Thursdays!
Derek Burgan: This award
may be named the Eric Bischoff Award for his years of politician service.
2010 Bisch takes the cake though as he not only swindled Dixie Carter
into giving himself and Hogan sweetheart deals with TNA while clearly
having nothing in the creative tan, but took his cohort in crime Jason
Hervey and got SPIKE TV to foot the bill for a TV show whose ratings dropped
even faster than TNA Impact. In a world in which good shows like Lonestar
get dropped after two shows when people look at the ratings, can anyone
explain how TNA Reaction got months despite consistent ratings that showed
even the most diehard TNA Wrestling fans didn't want a third hour of wrestling
THAT HAD NO WRESTLING? That's a politician in rare form.
Joe Merrick: Honestly,
can this really be anyone other than Hogan? Dude is like the Galactus
of entertainment, he rears his giant ugly head, then some hours later,
everything you once knew and loved is flooding out of his asshole. That's
what Galactus did right? Poop planets? ALL HAIL GALACTUS, SHARTER OF WORLDS.
Either way, the guy could win the lifetime achievement award in this category,
Cameron Burge: Tough
category here. I'm gonna say Vince McMahon scores this one. He's giving
us some real winners this year, but I think what we'll all remember him
for is the Stand up for WWE fiasco that was just plain ludicrous and thankfully
seems to have faded into the same background noise as the Million Dollar
Belt, Katie Vick and other things we never talk about and never will again.
Here's a guy that managed to put himself over Bret Hart several times
in their "feud" embarrassed a seemingly off-his-medication Roddy
Piper and managed to appear both in the ring and in a coma in consecutive
weeks, throwing all semblance of story continuity out the window. Despite
not being a character on the show most of the year, it's surprising to
think just how much he's still been on Raw! I have to wonder if maybe
Stand Up for WWE wasn't a very clever ploy to sabotage Linda (as if she
needed help there) and make sure he remains top dog. We'll never know.
Esben Evans: That guy
that got Daniel Bryan fired. Thank god for justice in the end, but how
the FUCK he got a wrestler fired for doing exactly what was asked of him,
that’s pretty smooth politicking. Granted, Bryan got re-hired and a nice
little push on top of that, but this move almost completely derailed all
the momentum that the invasion angle had generated...allow WWE to fuck
it up for themselves after having created something good.
Canadian Bacon: the
evil taskmaster sean Carless and his faggoty mop of hair. he's been holding
me down for years, and not in that gay way you see in movies. (there's
no such thing in real life as a homosexual.)
Andariel Halo: Eric
Bischoff and Hulk Hogan for swindling Dixie Carter out of her own wrestling
company. I ain't talking about the storyline.
Anthony Dean: Whoever
in TNA that finally made the decision to stop giving Kevin Goddamn Nash
a paycheck. Sure, the savings from that will probably just go straight
to a Brutus Beefcake run or some downright eye-gouging shit like that,
but Christ. Nash has pretty much been a regular in TNA for the better
part of this decade. I'm not saying older veterans can't play a role on
tv, but they put that motherfucker in matches. Payperview matches, mostly.
You can't work around a guy like Nash for that long, you just can't do
it. They say a great wrestler is supposed to be able to have a good match
with any opponent, but even Ric Flair, who could hyperboliously make a
believable contender out of a broomstick, could in no way ever do shit
to help out a seven foot tall broomstick that is liable to collapse at
any moment with a serious injury due to no observable reason and is physically
unfit to compete in a match where he cannot tag out to somebody at any
given moment when he decides he needs to catch a criminally long breather.
That's just asking too much of anyone.
"Great" Scott: Michelle
McCool/Undertaker. When you can get the WWE to create a belt just for
you (and your name isn’t Ted DiBiase, Sr.), you must have some serious
pull backstage (or you’re using your mouth to seriously pull at the 70-year-old
wang of one of the WWE’s biggest draws). I wouldn’t mind if Michelle McCool
had something to offer, but she’s a skinny redneck trying to pull off
being a smoking hot diva…a roll that pretty much should’ve went to Maryse.
Neither Michelle nor Maryse is great in the ring, but at least I don’t
shrivel up down there when I hear Maryse’s voice.
In related news, I hear that if Michelle stays married to `Taker for three
years, she’ll get a run at the United States championship. It’s true!
The Sixth Child: Hulk
Hogan. If his entrance into TNA wasn’t “political” enough, his subtle
line of t-shirts
Fine, he’s the biggest name in professional wrestling history. I get that.
And I’ll admit I was close to completely marking out when he and Bischoff
debuted saying “what’s past is past; we’re looking to the future”. But
when TNA was absolutely destroyed by WWE in the Monday Night War-that-never-was
(see #14), he used it as an excuse to go back to his old ways and have
the show completely revolve around him (see #23). Another steaming pile
of status quo... bruther.
4.) STICK A FORK IN HIM,
HE'S DONE. (Wrestler who's gained the most weight.)
Nominees: Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy,the Nasty
Boys, Tyson Tomko(~!), Ted DiBiase, Sr., Mike Tyson, Samoa Joe, Mickie
Sean Carless: Husky
Harris - or as he'll likely be known next year: unemployedHUSKIER
HARRIS. See, because he's only going to get fatter or something. All I
know is, until Brodus Clay showed up, he seemed to be the only person
not Mark Henry in WWE who was allowed to be fat. Who does this guy think
he is, Stephanie McMahon or something? Can we soon look forward to seeing
his matches, where camera-men (who only exist when trouble's not going
down) are readily instructed to only film him from the neck up? Maybe?
Or Maybe, IRS, his father, should have, just, umm, "audited" all the food
in the house? Although, last time he himself was on camera, Irwin was
looking a little thick in the middle, too, so who knows. What's in that
briefcase anyway? Little Debbie snack-cakes? His last name is ROTUNDO,
you see. His ancestors must have coined that name for a reason ... and
then ate the guy who wrote it down. And hell, come to think of it, old
Money Inc. tag team partner, Ted DiBiase Sr. has blown up quite a bit
, too. WHO KNEW COMMUNION WAFERS WERE SO HIGH IN CALORIES. Although, we
were always told in church that they're the body of Christ. HOW MANY CHRISTS
HAS THIS GUY BEEN EATING?
And how about Matt Hardy, eh? -- well, umm, the only reason he
can dry up a sea is because that's how much water he needs to wash down
his meals! That's right.
And brother, Jeff? I THOUGHT HEROIN WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU THINNER?
Icing sugar and cocaine do kind of look alike, though.
Oh, and how about that Tyson Tomko? More like TYSON DINNERS, RIGHT, GUYS?!
There you go. A full gamut of fat mockery because apparently I'm incapable
of picking on just one target, and you all expect me to be an asshole
anyway. Fuck you all.
Catherine Perez: What
do you mean Mike Tyson doesn't count? He was on WWE TV this past year;
of course he counts~! Regardless, I choose Matt Hardy, if only because
this is a guy who, in 2009, resorted to sharing pictures of his meaty,
hairless vagina in a desperate attempt to prove that his weight gain was
an intestinal issue. More than one year later, he's finally combating
the snide remarks against his weight gain by seemingly filming all his
YouTube videos in or near a restaurant. Hey, the guy likes food! Who am
I to judge? I'll tell you what, though; a world where Matt Hardy is overweight
and unmotivated while former clone and Green/White Ranger Jason David
Frank is a bad-ass MMA fighter with muscles and tattoos is not a world
I want to live in.
Blade Braxton: Didn't
I make a Wilford Brimley gimmick infringement diabeetus joke about Matt
Hardy a few lines back?
Derek Burgan: Is Fatt
Hardy the new name for the Cameron, North Carolina's favorite son? Matt's
grape diet is making the writers of Skinny Bitch reevaluate their position
on a vegetarian diet. The best thing about Matt Hardy is how fast he wanted
to drop his high six figure contract so he could focus on his money making
side projects, such as YouTube ads and DVD sales for The Hardy Show. Penny
Wise and Pound Foolish should be his tag team name in TNA with Hurricane
Joe Merrick: Gonna go
with Matt Hardy on this one, seeing as watching one of his matches now
rivals BBW porn in both skill and eroticism. Mmm. Although I don't remember
Mike Tyson being a wrestler, unless I'm mistaken. Did he get so big that
his fat just kinda invaded other sports?
Cameron Burge: Hey,
Mike Tyson doesn't count! I don't see how anyone but Matt Hardy could
win this category. I swear, he looks like he ate all the fat that Roddy
Piper lost and then asked for seconds. Every time I see Matt Hardy, I
feel a little better about myself, like going to an IHOP. For a guy that
at least had a feud (even if it was only one and went on ALL FUCKING YEAR),
he still seemed to be the least interested in being presentable and was
clearly just self-destructing to get fired. Well. It worked. Surprise
that nobody likes fat wrestlers who aren't black or Samoan....fucking
racists! I wish Matt Hardy's spare tire the best in all it's future endeavors,
maybe it will one day find it's way back to Roddy Piper where it belongs,
or perhaps it will migrate into Hulk Hogan.
Esben Evans: The Nasty
Boys were hilariously overweight when they made their unlikely comeback
to TNA as a part of Hogan’s crusade to make the TNA tagline “we are wrestling”
the world’s most ludicrous company tagline since McDonald’s “I’m loving
it”. When they made their way out, you were compelled to go out and protest
against TNA’s captivity of whales. They were probably the best example
of an anti-obesity campaign ever “STOP EATING FATASS! OR YOU’LL LOOK LIKE
BRIAN KNOBBS!!!”...it’s a pretty persuasive argument.
Canadian Bacon: Prolly
Mike Tyson. I know he once said he wanted to eat Evander Holyfield's children,
but I didn't think he'd really do it. (And how fat could you possibly
get on an all ear diet?!!!!)
Andariel Halo: Everyone's
gonna say Matt Hardy and be popular. I'm gonna be super nonconformist
and pick Tyson Tomko.
Anthony Dean: The Nasty
Boys. Yeah they were always fat, but they at least used to be able to
kind of pretend what they were doing was wrestling, and move around, and
physically do things, making it almost respectable that they did what
they did while being fat (almost.) But during their stint in TNA this
year, they were just two blatantly fat men pretending “they still got
it” and relying on random beatdowns and using an overabundance of weapons
as a crutch, though I guess that was kind of always their gimmick? I don't
know, any wrestling before 1995 is just a confusing blur of terrible to
me. Anyway the Nastys return and are unapologetically bad, so who are
they made to feud with? THE DUDLEYS. I can only guess what happened there
was maybe one group of TNA Creative figured the best way to cover up The
Nasty Boys being fat, slow, and not very enjoyable to watch in general
was to put them in the ring with The Dudleys as often as possible, hoping
the Nastys would look better by comparison, while a second group of TNA
Creative, looking to attempt to cover up the Dudleys' horrible qualities,
decided they should feud with Nasty Boys for the exact same reason. Then
both groups got together, agreed that the feud should take place, and
each walked away snickering. That is literally the only scenario I can
believe and also still be able to watch TNA with any amount of optimism.
Oh, and I'm pretty sure literally nobody anywhere got anything good out
of seeing Jimmy Hart interject himself into that feud either, so fuck
that guy too.
"Great" Scott: Mike
Knox. I always thought this guy was one of the most dramatic cases of
weight gain in professional wrestling. When he started out in WWE, he
looked like Charlie Haas; when he was released in April of 2010, he looked
like he had EATEN Charlie Haas. Man, this guy got faaaaaaaat before they
let him go. I’m sure releasing him saved the WWE $12,000 year on the catering
bill. The funny thing is, I actually thought he was a better wrestler
when he was bigger. Maybe he got more talented by EATING talented wresters…sort
of like some weird Highlander thing.
The Sixth Child: Mickie
James. Because LayCool called her fat. I mean, she’s not as fat as Molly
Holly was back when Trish Stratus was making fun of her. Then again, if
they’re fat, what does that make Rosey Lottalove?
Whoa. I just blew my own mind.
Fuckit. I’m gonna say Brian Knobbs. It’s good to see Pitty City has no
shortage of fast food restaurants despite not actually existing.
5.) PUSH THAT MAN! ...INTO
ONCOMING TRAFFIC. (For the wrestler who is least deserving of a Push.)
Nominees: Jeff Hardy, Robbie E. and Cookie, Abyss, Michael Cole,
Gunner and Murphy, Drew McIntyre, Ted DiBiase, Orlando Jordan.
McIntyre. Just because. But mostly because there's something about
him that I just don't like. Like maybe his face; his soul; his entire
existence; and then everything else. I don't know. It's like he's a CAW
of Brian Kendrick, only depleted of move-set, made taller, but then lowered
in charisma. Then, in the editor, you keep the head size the exact
same, but then reverse all the other features in the middle
from 100 to 0. He's just weird looking. Like a Scottish Predator. There's
like maybe 1/8th of an inch between his eyes, nose and mouth. It's like
an otherwise handsome man in a world filled entirely with fun house mirrors,
with wives who punch you in the face at a Playboy party before getting
fired. Or something.
Catherine Perez: Gunner
and Murphy Nelson get my vote here. Why TNA continues to push these two
is beyond me. They want to be wrestlers? Fine, wrestle, but don't keep
pushing these assholes as security guards who like to get their hands
dirty with legitimate, trained wrestlers in the ring. It looks bush-league
and fucking stupid. Don't these two have anything better to do? You know,
like securing and/or guarding things? There's a brawl going on every minute
backstage, and they never get broken up because Gunner and Murphy are
too busy wasting everyone's time playing grab-ass in the ring. Fuck off
and take your love and affection with you.
Blade Braxton: Why is
Abyss still masked and screaming on my television screen, TNA? Why? WHY?!?
Derek Burgan: You can
tell how long the wrestling year is when most people probably don't remember
this was the year TNA Wrestling pushed Bubba the Love Sponge onto us like
an unwanted enema. Not only did the jackass come across like the biggest
douche on the planet while doing play by play on Hogan's Celebrity Championship
Wrestling show, but his Fortunate Son role in TNA was so undeserved and
unwanted that exactly who was on his side when he was blind sided by Awesome
Joe Merrick: Whatever
you may think of the others, at least they're fucking wrestlers. Cole
has just managed to pull a Fred and gain screen time for being annoying
as unholy shit. And don't get me started on the Cole Minors, although
I'll give Cole this, at least his fanbase's nickname evokes the image
of black children, whereas John Cena's just wishes they were black.
Cameron Burge: Michael
Cole. I'm sorry but why...WHY are we pushing an announcer? He's a fucking
announcer, he doesn't need a push, we don't need to care about him, he
just needs to talk so that the match isn't eerily quiet. That's it. Instead,
we saddle him with the most infuriating character in existence, and also
make sure the person in question is completely incapable of stringing
common threads of thought together in any logical manner whatsoever. What
do you get? EVIL Michael Cole, who has somehow managed to not yet grow
a goatee. I think the epitome of how dumb this is is the soft" feud" going
on between him and King in which he cost the guy a World Title and then
they brushed off rather nicely since they have to still do the commentary.
Now things are just awkward. Thanks, WWE. Thanks a lot.
Esben Evans: Tyler “what...the....FUCK
is up with your hair, dude” Reks. Every time Tyler makes his way to the
ring, the crowd gets scarily silent, and I’m sure the creative team thinks
that it’s because he’s so intimidating...but really they just wonder why
the fuck that guy from Counting Crows is coming out to wrestle. I know
it might be a borderline push he’s gotten, but him getting on Team Smackdown
at Bragging Rights was enough to clinch it for me.
Canadian Bacon: Orlando
Jordan, because at a contract signing recently he told me he'd really
like to offer me a big ass push sometime and I was confused at first;
but it turns out he didn't mean what i thought and now my doctor says
its best i forget about it/take my meds. so Orlando.
Andariel Halo: Sheamus.
If sucking McMahon cock was a paying job, this guy would be a millionaire
champion by now. Oh.
Anthony Dean: Wade Barrett
Wade Barrett Wade Barrett Wade Barrett Wade Barrett Wade Barrett Wade
Barrett. There's nothing I can quantify, I just don't like watching Wade
Barrett. I'm only going to say the word “underwhelming” just like that
in quotes and walk away.
The Sixth Child: John
Morrison. Yes, his athletic ability is ridiculously good, and he’s got
muscles in places where I’d usually store pudding. But his mic skills
haven’t moved since he debuted as Johnny Blaze back in 2004. The guy couldn’t
promo his way out of a Great Khali convention. Probably because they’d
be speaking Punjab, but you get the idea. There’s no doubt he’ll become
a heavyweight champion soon, but it’d be nice if I didn’t have an urge
to crack him in the mouth every time he cracks a joke.
Special mentions go to Wade Barrett, Sheamus and Drew McIntrye. To be
brutally honest, I haven’t really seen anything from them that I haven’t
seen in several generic hosses in the past; except heavy accents.
6.) STEVIE RICHARDS' OFFICIAL
"I'll Show You... How to Stay Employed for 9 Years" AWARD. (For the wrestler
who has stayed employed through all odds.)
Nominees: Chavo Guerrero, Hornswoggle, Eric Young, Mark Henry,
Tyler Reks, Brie and Nikki Bella, Shark Boy, Primo, Yoshi Tatsu, Curt
Hawkins, Trent Baretta, Vince Russo.
Sean Carless: You can
never go wrong with Stevie Richards himself. Hell, EV 2.0. is already
dropping faster than teenagers who fuck in a horror movie, and yet, still,
there he is, doing what he does best, somehow remaining visible enough
for us to all appreciate, but just invisible enough to where he somehow
blends into the wall, chameleon-style, whenever agents looking to make
roster cuts walk past.
Also, Chavo Guerrero deserves mention/pinning. That guy has jobbed to
a midget, dressed up as an Eagle, been thrown into the Gulf of Mexico,
(Mexicans only want to swim here... they never paddle back in that same
direction), and still, he's out there, still cashing a check, still wondering
how Rey Mysterio got a World Title and all the family sympathy, while
he dressed up as a cow and likely cried himself to sleep... after being
pinned by a slew of people lined up at his bedside. Poor guy. Maybe they'll
kill someone else in his family, that way he'll at least enjoy another
brief 3 months of winning matches? I hope so for his sake.
Catherine Perez: With
most of TNA's failed EV 2.0 weeping into their pink slips by now, it warms
the very cockles of my heart to give this award to Stevie Richards~! This
man has mystical employment powers, and they should be rewarded every
year that he's nominated for as long as he lives. Kudos to Eric Young,
too. This guy deserves a pat on the back or something for getting bonked
on the head and reverting back to the same pea-brained moron he had already
grown out of playing! Normally, I'd be all for stupid shit like that (I
say this as a huge fan of Brian Kendrick's current persona), but they've
amped the stupidity by teaming him up with Orlando Jordan, who's boring
as hell no matter what kind of viscous, white fluids he's squirting on
himself. He's bi, you see. BI-POLAR~! HURHUR. Oh, Eric! Please stop crying
yourself to sleep. We still love you. Maybe.
Blade Braxton: Bella
Twins. Shouldn't basic mathematics prove that we would grow tired of seeing
two generic, useless twins twice as fast?
Derek Burgan: It won't
be long before poor Stevie has to hand over his Memorial Award to Eric
Young and this year showed why. Even with TNA having to cut money and
realizing it had absolutely nothing for Eric Young, they STILL brought
him back after maybe a one week pink slip. "We just can't quit you Eric
Young." – Dixie Carter
Joe Merrick: Tough one
but Chavo edges it for having a job for like, 50 years and having a storyline
whenever the moon alines with goddamn Mars. Dishonourable mention for
Cameron Burge: There
are lots of people on here who are deserving of what I consider to be
the Wrestling Fan's greatest and most prestigious award. Stevie Richards
held onto his job like a steel-jawed shark into a baby seal, and only
a man or woman who shows an equal amount of tenacity can deserve such
an award. The Bella twins are right out. They are employed still because
they are the only symmetrical set of four fake boobs that men can be sandwiched
between for "comedic" effect (if you think dick jokes are funny...and
I do!). Chavo will probably keep his job so long as people remember Eddie
existed, and so I have to give this Yoshi Tatsu. One of the more promising
wrestlers in a long line of them who was shipped off to die in ECW, he
found a home on Raw....and promptly disappeared like a ten year old girl
in the European slave trade. His sole job appears to be to show up and
pretend he's a long time friend of John Cena and/or whoever is convenient
and to job to people way less talented to him (read: Nexus). Also, he's
the spare Evan Bourne for Mark Henry. In fact, if he didn't fit the same
body type as Bourne, he might not even have a job. Lucky for him Evan
is on the shelf. Look for Yoshi to be repacked in 2011 as a green painted
man wearing a saddle and throwing eggs at everyone in the back during
"comedy" bathroom break segments.
Esben Evans: Trent Barreta....bet
you didn’t see that one coming...and that actually proves my point, no
one cares or even remembers this guy. His tag partner got fired, but inexplicably
Trent survived. Although to be fair, I’m pretty sure I won’t give him
this award again next year, if he’s still there come next Fanny Award
season (hehe, how professional did I just make it sound) I’ll officially
proclaim him the new Stevie.
Canadian Bacon: Mark
Henry. I've always felt like we're kindred spirits. Only we're alive and
not ghosts, and don't know each other, and are not related whatsoever.
Other than that? IDENTICAL. It's true! We both lift heavy things (weights
for him, my dink for me). And we both accidentally blew a dude that one
time and then never alluded to it again. The only other real difference
is I'm white & have a basic understanding of how to wrestle.
Oh, and on that note, I'd like to throw a bigtime Happy Birthday out to
Mark's son, Hand, who just turned 12! They grow up so fast/have no discernable
body. I understand he has designs on a career with Hamburger Helper one
day (which pleases Mark 'cause he loves hamburger helper!), but not really
'cause its a hand and not a legit human person. Had u going there, though,
Andariel Halo: MV...
Funa... oh. Matt H.. oh... Honestly? Joey Styles! Giving away NXT 3 results
online? For shame for shame for shame on you, Joey!
Anthony Dean: Eric Young.
What are they thinking. What is anyone even indirectly involved with his
"Great" Scott: Kelly
Kelly. Okay, maybe she hasn’t been around for nine years, but it FEELS
like 59 years, and I can’t think of one thing she’s done of any note.
At least Torrie Wilson and Sable (other blonde airheads that stuck around
a long time) improved a bit in the in-ring area and didn’t just take up
space on the apron in eight-diva tag matches. It also helped that WWE
wasn’t PG-13 back then, so useless divas could pose for Playboy to draw
some interest. As it stands, Double K doesn’t stand much of a chance of
being interesting, despite her ability to stay employed. The best part?
They’re giving her a mini-push by sticking her in a storyline with Drew
McIntyre. I’m sure this’ll rank right up there with Randy Savage/Elizabeth.
The Sixth Child: How
the fuck is Chavo Guerrero still on the WWE payroll? His career highlights
over the past six years include getting knocked out by Billy Kidman, losing
at Wrestlemania in eight seconds, and having Hornswoggle ride him while
wearing a cow costume. And yes, I know he was ECW champion, but honestly,
who gives a shit?
7.) I WOULDN'T KICK HER
OFF MY FACE! (Most fuckable woman in wrestling.)
Nominees: Anyone you'd plow.
Sean Carless: Everyone.
If they're alive, that's my criteria. And sometimes not even. So, I'll
look to the past, from the bushes outside her house, and choose a retro-hottie
that I recently saw on Facebook - and whom, like my penis, totally held
Runnels. That's right. She doesn't look a day over whatever, and that
was nice to see as I masturbated to her whilst squinting, so to ignore
the INTRUDERS IN OUR SYNTHETIC LOVEMAKING WHO LIKE TOTALLY SHARED THE
PICTURE WITH HER. GET OUT OF HERE RANDOM FAT GUY AT A CONTRACT SIGNING.
STOP STARING AT ME, PROBABLE PARENTS AND SISTERS OF TERRI. CAN'T WE GET
ANY FUCKING ALONE TIME?!
OK, I FINISHED.
But after further study and washing of hands, I found out that, apparently,
she's currently dating NEW JACK of all people; which equal parts
amuses me/ terrifies me - because I'm man enough to make a tasteless joke
at her expense, but coward enough to say it was actually you who
did when I get called on it by a dude with justifiable homicides (funny;
I too always justify my homicides). All I know is, the first thing I wondered,
when I found out about this pair, was, does New Jack only have sex for
the duration of Natural Born Killers? Is Vic Grimes at any point carelessly
tossed off the bed posts with no thought of his health and well-being?
And has New Jack ever accidentally stapled Terri's vagina closed during
the act? ALL QUESTIONS WITH INTELLIGENCE INSULTING ANSWERS, I'M SURE.
Catherine Perez: I hate
this category! Every time the Fannys come around I have to side-step this
one with a little quip or a male choice. So, in keeping with my tradition,
I'd like to pick CM Punk because he has to be the sexiest fucker
on TV right now. I'm not sure what I'd plow him with (love and respect?
Haha, WOMEN~!), but rest assured that he's plowable somehow. You
and me, Punk! I'm sure we can build a beautiful relationship out of listening
to Helter Skelter enough times to be labeled certifiably insane. It worked
out for Manson, only not at all! I'd have picked John Morrison, but it
seems that, ever since he laughed at his own NXT Rookie for murdering
a promo about mustaches, he's slowly transforming into Eli Cottonwood.
Is this the result of some kind of evil gypsy curse? I'll start panicking
when he shows up on RAW nearly a whole foot taller.
Blade Braxton: It's
been my online gimmick to lust over Mickie James for half a decade. However,
all the chubby-chasing internet white knights and building bombing wannabe
terrorists have made me embarrassed to say I'm a fan. Therefore, I'll
vote for Madison Rayne. There'd be so much heat and friction going on
in the bedroom, after getting slayed by the Midnight Rose, she'd have
to change her name to Madison Evaporated Water. (insert crickets here).
Derek Burgan: If Maryse
could just drop a cup size, I think that would be my current favorite
and her "I could give a shit less about the crap they are forcing me to
do" attitude makes her even more attractive. I know some guys get into
the huge boobs thing, but it's just a little too fake for me but everything
else puts her ahead of the other girls.
Joe Merrick: You're
asking Joe Merrick who he wants to fuck. Why not ask me who I WOULDN'T
want to, it'd be a much shorter li-
Cameron Burge: Melina.
You know I'm going to say Melina. I always say Melina. Why do I even have
to say it? I find her to be the most balanced in looks out of the Divas,
without just having a big flaw that's distracting (Bella noses). I would
like to bring up how funny it is that WWE tries to over sexualize their
divas that really shouldn't be displayed that way. The minidresses that
Natalya has been wearing are starting to scare me, I think she's going
to burst out of one like the incredible Hulk....you know, I don't hate
that idea. Tamina is just frightening though. She scares me. Put on some
fucking shoes, woman!
Esben Evans: Being away
from WWE for a while, and when you come back you end up noticing they’re
looking all the same really...I don’t know...Maryse I guess...I don’t
know the names of half of them...
Canadian Bacon: They're
all fuckable because they have vag's and that's what they're there for.
its also why god created assholes. A probable back-up (LOL!) plan if the
first road is closed - a road made of vagina. (The road is vagina, I'm
But if I had 2 pick, I guess i'll go w/ that Tamina. She's a handsome
man, and besides i have this fantasy of laying all nude & such on my back
with my dink up in the air while she scales the bed posts and then dives
with a tribute superfly like her dad (only I don't die & then get rolled
up in a carpet and get secretly disposed of by Vince Mcmahon's men) and
then she lands right on my penis and I yell SUPERFLYYYYYYY, and then I
maybe smoke a cigarette/offer her a coconut because i'm a good host.
Andariel Halo: AJ Lee
person from NXT3. She was homeless for three years, though, so she might
be kind of dirty and crabby and such. And because his hot epicness transcends
all matters of sex and gender... John Morrison.
Anthony Dean: I would
have said Taylor Wilde but she just quit and also her ridiculously far
apart breasts would make any titfuck impossible so after her I probably
masturbated to Kelly Kelly the most this year. Non-wrestling would probably
be Nikki Rhodes, for those of you who are curious. Probably just my mom.
But then, she already knows that. We had a talk pretty recently, it came
up. Thanks again for reading, mom! I'll be sure to remember to clear the
history more often. Xoxo, Your Unclaimable Son.
Sidenote, I just went to TNA's website to evaluate their stock of bitches
and realized that even their site is just so broken. I got a 404 trying
to navigate to anywhere from the main page, and can't even begin how to
guess to fix this URL to make it do right:
That is what I got trying to get to their Knockout galleries, I wanted
no part of anything to do with Germany or whatever, and similar bullshit
is gotten trying to reach their roster, live events schedule, store, and
basically anything a consumer of their product would need access to in
order for them to receive money. And I've been trying and refreshing their
page for at leat twenty minutes. Come on, what other company or business
would just allow their site to go down like that for any length of time
and just let it be okay? And I am being completely objective here. This
goes beyond me not thinking them getting guest stars from Jersey Shore
is a good idea, TNA is such a fucking mess from all angles it's hilarious.
"Great" Scott: (Tie)
Maryse, Gail Kim, and Mickie James. Do I really need to justify any of
these? Didn’t think so. Honorable mentions go to Beth Phoenix, Nattie
Neidhart, and Tara.
The Sixth Child: There’s
no shortage of fuckability within this year’s selection of female wresters,
so after a quick game of “Eenie, meenie, miney, blow-me”, I’m gonna go
with Taylor Wilde. Not that she’d want to blow me. The way I look, I’d
be lucky to have Abyss’ squeeze, “Janice”. And everybody’s nailed
8.) EVEN WE WOULDN'T HIT
IT. (Who was the most unattractive woman of the year?)
Nominees: Anyone you wouldn't.
Sean Carless: Pretty
much no one. Hell, I'd even throw it in Linda McMahon for BRAGGING
RIGHTS ...live on pay-per-view... if only for that trophy you never
see and is never mentioned again, thus making the entire show worthless.
Don't look at me like that! It's true! I'd show the senior McMahon my
own Exit Poll, and other political euphemisms for fucking that
sound better spoken aloud. And sure, at this point, sticking your dick
in her is perhaps comparable to wading into a crawlspace full of cobwebs
and perpetual darkness - only you won't accidentally find old magazines
and jars of pennies in there- but she has a lot of money, and with enough
alcohol, enough dimmed lights, and after maybe hitting your head a few
dozens times, thus necessitating your brain be donated to Chris Nowinski,
she might, for a solitary second, look like Stephanie - and that, my friends,
is a chance I'm willing to take... while closing my eyes and hoping she
doesn't eventually find the duffle bag full of possessions from her home
I just gathered.
But hey, since I *have* to choose someone, I guess I'll choose Chyna,
because I just heard she actually filmed a *new* porno feature (hopefully
the director had the good sense to get her to swim in a cold pool before
filming close-ups this time), and the horror of the first film is already
flooding back to my conscious mind. Seriously! It was a nightmare the
first time around. I didn't know if I was jerking off to Chyna or X-Pac;
it was just a blur of black stringy hair, pimply asses and probable penises
of varying size. Eventually, I just grit my teeth, cried inside, finished
my shame because mama didn't raise no quitter, and then never looked back.
Catherine Perez: I wouldn't
fuck Aloisia with Titus O'Neal's dick. Sure, it's like throwing a Vienna
sausage into the Grand Canyon, but my point still stands... whatever it
may be. Aksana deserves special mention for looking like Trish Stratus
at age 70 and sounding like someone needs to hand her the "Weend"
Ring from Captain Planet ASAP. Also, Conor O'Brian. Ho, Lee, and Shit.
Please tell me they're going to debut Crispin Glover as Conor's handler.
I want to hear this guy say "NARF!" just one time. Major kudos
for finally redefining the term "ring rat", though.
Blade Braxton: Aloisia.
Sorry. Chicks that look like a Down's Syndrome-plagued Nancy Grace crossbred
with the Big Show via Jeff Goldblum's Fly teleporter just don't do it
Derek Burgan: Linda
Joe Merrick: Oh, there
we go. Sean's Mother.
Cameron Burge: Tamina
is the obvious answer, but I'm going to hand this over to Vickie Guerrero.
She has taken leaps and bounds to improving her image for sure, but until
she fixes her face, there's no hope. She's got some of the worst teeth
and facial structure that I have ever seen in a TV personality. Susan
Boyl withstanding. It kind of looks like a smashed in crocodile. Now,
there might be some uglier women in TNA, but I can barely name any of
the female wrestler from there after the Knockouts faded into the background,
so you're on your own in that department. Maybe one of them makes Vickie
look like a promising prospect.
Esben Evans: Vickie
Guerrero actually lost weight...but Vickie Guerrero is still ugly as fuck!
I’m sorry Eddie (RIP) but dude, come on!....oh, and Alicia Fox and her
crappy dancing! FUCK OFF!
Canadian Bacon: I only
hit a woman once in my life but that was 'cause she actually had a penis
and from my understanding that's not supposed 2 happen.
Andariel Halo: Mickie
James. Something about a theme song that screams "HARDCORE CUNTRY"
is rather offputting, given previous picture evidence.
Anthony Dean: I saw
Natalya's erect penis slip out of her skirt during a match and slap Layla
in the face while she was trying to hit a Lou Thesz press, and that's
a true story.
"Great" Scott: (Tie)
Vickie Guerrero and Aloisia. I figured I’d be all kinds of symbolic with
this winner. These two were originally supposed to be paired on the all-female
NXT, but I think they figured that pumpkin-faced giant might end up killing
someone. While Vickie is disgusting in every way a woman can be disgusting,
that female ogre runs a pretty close second. Plus, I would never do anything
with a woman that could press slam me. Call me old-fashioned.
The Sixth Child: ...and
for the third year running (yeah, last year was a Fanny hiatus, but she
still won my vote), Vicki Guerrero. Why oh why oh WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU
STILL HERE!? Once again, I don’t find her physically unattractive, but
she annoys me to the point where the only way I’d hit her is with a bus.
How did the global financial crisis leave millions jobless, and WWE couldn’t
find it in their cold-blooded heart to terminate Smackdown’s “Official
Consultant” portfolio? Whaddaya mean it doesn’t actually exist?
9.) THE DARSOW AWARD (For
the wrestler who's persevered through a TERRIBLE gimmick or angle.)
Nominees: Kane, Eric Young, Abyss, Santino Marella, Edge, Alberto
Del Rio, Samoa Joe, Michael Cole, Chavo Guerrero (as Swagger's Soaring
Sean Carless: How about
Paul Bearer? How many times is this guy going to get murdered on camera
before someone does something about it? And by WWE's own precedents, why
didn't Chris Benoit just do his deed on WWE television, where he could
have gotten away with it/ been given a better finish? (I hate ref/life
stoppages). Not only would he still be alive, but we'd have probably
seen some really great matches in the interim. And that's the important
Catherine Perez: What
the FUCK, Edge and Kane?! Okay, Kane is a given; this might as well be
the Glenn Jacobs Award. But EDGE? The very same Edge with the awesome
feud against Undertaker in late 2008 where he single-handedly made it
entertaining because 'Taker couldn't be bothered to show up in his own
feud? From what I understand, Edge decided to go on a crusade against
everything stupid in WWE, and he did so by... kidnapping Paul Bearer and
proceeding to create some of the most excruciatingly bad television in
recent memory? So, with that, I have to ask: is Kane going to persevere
this time? Crowd support is dwindling fast for this guy. I'm giving this
one to Edge because you know he'll bounce back from this travesty somehow.
That is, if he doesn't start pushing "SPEAR. SPEARSPEARSPEAR. SPEAR."
as his catchphrase again.
A nod of acknowledgement to Alberto Del Rio for overcoming those terribly
boring at-home promos. I really thought he was going to go the Kizarny
route -- shitty promos that go on for months, debut in a bad match, then
a pink slip; I even made a fake
Dos Equis ad calling him the Least Interesting Man in the World --
but he's certainly found a niche as the Mexican JBL! Even Ricardo Rodriguez
is entertaining as Del Rio's personal ring announcer and part-time serial
killer. Plus, any guy who manhandles Rey Mysterio is cool with me (except
Blade Braxton: Kane's
late 00's gimmick of bald, aging fat guy who used in be cool in the 90's
was tough to overcome. Somehow he did it and had a nice run as bald, aging
fat World Heavyweight Champion in 2010.
Derek Burgan: I want
to give this one to Samoa Joe, but I don't know how well he's "persevered"
through his current garbage gimmick except that he has murdered someone
or slit his wrists. So I'll end up giving some bonus points to Kane for
somehow continuing on, and being in main events no less, despite a gimmick
which passed its expiration date years ago and having one bad match after
Joe Merrick: Has to
be Kane. Key word there is Persevere. Dude still plies his trade week
after week snarling 'hurp ahm frawn hayull' into a camera while looking
like a possessed testicle. Possessticle.
Cameron Burge: Santino
Marella, and by association, Vladimir Kozlov. This shouldn't work. It
seems like such a bad idea on paper, and yet here it is, over in the same
manner that Eugene got over despite being the most insensitive, asinine
idea ever. The comedy duo set up just works. Vladimir makes a perfect
straight man with his total lack of emoting that is about the only situation
where his method of speech is actually worth while in wrestling. Santino
has the gimmicky, entertaining move set that makes you want to root for
him like he's a member of the Mighty Ducks. And that's the beauty of the
gimmick in that it feeds on our desire to see the goofball, unconventional
underdogs win. If they had lost over and over, it wouldn't have been successful,
but because we started to get behind their success, we wanted to see them
win the titles. I dare say that people cared more about Santino and Kozlov
winning the tag belts than the Hart Dynasty's entire run with them.
Esben Evans: Chavo Guerrero...seriously,
what is UP with Vince’s unhealthy obsession with putting members of the
Guerrero family in big ass bird suits!? At this rate I wouldn’t be surprised
if Eddie had been taxidermied inside a giant flamingo suit and hung up
on the wall of his office.
Canadian Bacon: Prolly
Abyss. he's my legit favourite angry masked guy besides me. ( DATE NIGHT.)
Andariel Halo: Matthew
Hardy. He sure pulls off a damn convincing job of being a narcissistic
fatshit enabler with childish delusions of resentment and misdirected
hatred and a total inability to overcome past adversities.
Anthony Dean: Wait,
Chavo Guerrero was the Soaring Eagle? Come on now, they literally could
have gotten ANYONE to do that job and yet they give it to the guy whose
uncle they once stuffed into a turkey costume and forced to strut around
ringside dancing in front of the single most pissed off crowd in WWE history.
You would think somewhere along the line, between the bird suits and the
dead uncle and the subsequent claim being made on national television
that the departed soul of said dead uncle is rotting in hell and calling
Vickie fat and having to convincingly lose to Tyler Reks, AT SOME POINT
Chavo would say enough is enough and ask Vince for his release. In the
form of a hurricarana. And then snorting several lines of coke and hotwiring
a lowrider to escape to Mexico. Don't look at me like that, from what
I've observed those are just the ways Mexican wrestlers tend to settle
disputes and leave their jobs, I'm just going on what information I've
picked up and objectively observed in my twenty years of getting along
on this Earth. Also, statistically, there's a good chance he would probably
rape a white woman. It's not racist if you use statistics.
"Great" Scott: Dolph
Ziggler. First, he was a caddy for Chavo Guerrero in one of the most racist
angles the WWE has ever done. (If it’s not Kerwin White, it’s not right?
Seriously?) Next, he was a male cheerleader that essentially served as
a punching bag for DX. Next, he’s repackaged as a guy with a name from
a 20-plus-year-old movie as a one-note joke that pretty much no one will
get. Now, since he’s succeeded despite all of that, Vince sticks him with
a fat cow that essentially takes first priority in any stupid angle they
put him in. For God’s sake, Vince, just give the guy a chance to have
a relatively normal gimmick…or at least pair him with someone who doesn’t
look like the ass end of a race horse.
The Sixth Child: Eric
Young. After all his talk back in ‘08 about being the TNA lackey who does
stupid stuff to entertain the fans, he goes right back to being the village
idiot. Only problem is he does it so well, no-one seems to mind. Keep
clangin’ that cowbell, you ridiculous waste of talent.
10.) THERE IS A GOD! For
the moment when Lady Luck gave us a lapdance. (Award for unforeseen blessing
Nominees: Old School RAW (11/15/10); Bret Hart returns to the
WWE; Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels shake hands; Daniel Bryan kicks Michael
Cole's ass; Douchebag Batista; Nexus invades RAW; Daniel Bryan kicks John
Cena's head in; Kaval wins NXT Season 2; Lacey Von Erich leaves TNA; Undertaker
confronts Brock Lesnar at UFC 121; Daniel Bryan returns at SummerSlam;
Kane finally wins a major singles belt; Randy Orton RKO's Evan Bourne
during the AirBourne; John Cena joins the Nexus; John Cena is (briefly)
"fired"; Kurt Angle moonsaults off the steel cage at Lethal
Lockdown; Santino and Kozlov have a tea party for Sheamus; Angry Miz Girl.
Sean Carless: A lot
of great moments happened this year in the wacky world of pro wrestling;
memories indelibly etched into the annals of time; memories then scrubbed
clean for me with the virtual DW-40 known as alcohol; poisoning the hamster
running on a wheel that is my brain, and thus stripping me of caring completely.
However, one moment did warm the cockles (penisles for the PG crowd) of
my heart: HHH being absent for most of the calendar year. That's
right, somehow, someway, we managed to get a Hunter-less 2010 for the
most part, and in the interim, a few new people got over. But I don't
blame HHH. I can't. He is what he is : WWE's version of UNICRON from
Transformers. It's true. One minute, all is well in robot paradise;
you're drinking your robot juice with your robot family, despite procreation
being impossible amongst the non-organic, and then, bam, this giant bulbous
mass rolls in, as it is wont to do when you're at your most care-free,
and devours everything in its path. Only rather than strangely-mustachioed
robots having their world's destroyed and chemicals spilled, its mid-carders,
and maybe even their respective tag team partner getting pinned every
week. Can we just get a few assholes together and leave this guy's head
circling Stamford already?
Anyhoo, this year, HHH decided to sit things out, opting
to instead heal old wounds, make midnight runs for Ice Cream and pickles
for preggers Steph, and even CAMPAIGN, DOOR TO DOOR, FOR MOTHER-IN-LAW
LINDA MCMAHON, the woman who almost become the first cybernetic organism
elected to the U.S. Senate. Can you imagine having HHH come to your door
and demand your vote? Am I the only one picturing him doing so in his
trunks? Am I the only one then telling myself that regardless of this
thought, I still consider myself a proud heterosexual man?
All I know is, if a McMahon *really* wanted to get elected
to high office, they should have sent Hunter HIMSELF to run. Dude
would be married to Obama's daughter by now, and already promising a future
V.P. position to the first guy who hands him a dumbbell in the gym. "SHADES
OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN," someone will be yelling during his inauguration.
"JOHN QUINCY ADAMS-LIKE HIGH KNEE BY PRESIDENT HELMSLEY," others
will then follow suit (in my glorious, glorious imagination).
And speaking of offices and politics and circumventing
black people, or maybe just the first two, Hunter has apparently been
promoted within WWE, and given a swank office and title to boot
- to the midsection; a precursor to the THUNDEROUS PEDIGREE. (But
hey, why are they always just handing this guy titles?! Couldn't we have
had, say, an elimination tournament for that executive senior adviser
position? RESPECT THE HISTORY OF THAT TITLE, WWE.). In fact, I heard that
he insisted that his Office come with a floor made entirely of glass so
everyone below would know their damn place. TIMMY FROM THE COPY ROOM,
PAY YOUR DUES AND LEARN HOW TO WORK.
Now, that said, I must get going. The Delorean is running, and I, and
these jokes, have to get back to 2003.
Catherine Perez: That
massive nominees list tells me one thing: 2010 was the year of enjoying
the little things amongst the shit. It wasn't a very good year for WWE,
and a terrible one for TNA (honestly, if that was Hogan's idea of taking
TNA to the next level, Dixie needs to send his ass packing pronto).
I can't choose a single winner here - hell, I wrote the nominees myself,
so in my mind, they ALL win. Cena joining Nexus and then being "fired"
definitely ranked among my top 5 moments, though, even if it was excruciatingly
mishandled and short-lived. As far as TNA goes, my one glimmer of happiness
is found in the hilariously incoherent ramblings of one Brian Kendrick.
I LOVE that guy! His vibrational frequencies are apparently too high to
be shown on TV in a consistent manner, though, so I guess Ric Flair's
own brand of incoherent babble will have to do.
Blade Braxton: Old habits
die hard I guess. Seeing PG WWE Mickie James become Trailer Park Daisy
Duke trash in TNA was cheaper than a lapdance, and less likely to get
me arrested for ejaculating in public.
Derek Burgan: With the
amount of stuff that just makes you want to bury your head in shame, it's
hard to fathom that a lot of great stuff actually happened. Little blips
of hope in desolate landscape. There's the good news/bad news situations,
such as Kaval winning NXT, but given the year's worst outfit and stuck
being LayCool's "pet." Bryan Danielson gets mega push in Nexus and the
awesome beat down of Justin Roberts, but let go the same week. For me
the best moment is that independent wrestling kept going "strong" of sorts
in 2010 despite having a lot of it's talent cherry picked. Ring of Honor
picked up Jim Cornette and capped off the year with a very buzz worthy
Final Battle on iPPV. Gabe Sapolsky kept Dragon Gate USA going as well
as starting up EVOLVE. An underrated Pro Wrestling Guerrilla had a hell
of a year, with "Seven" being possibly the best wrestling show of any
company. And CHIKARA had it's usual consistent year and continued with
it's best in the business DVD covers.
Joe Merrick: An RKO
during an Airbourne? That happened? Let me just look that up on Yout-AAAAAGH
OH GOD THAT WINS EVERY AWARD JESUS CHRIST.
Cameron Burge: For me,
this is a toss up between my two favorite moments of the year, being Angry
Miz Girl and Tea Time with Sheamus. I have to give this to Miz Girl though.
I was very happy to see Miz cash in his title as I've been waiting on
pins and needles all year for it to happen. The moment when he finally
did was sweet for me, but even more so, that reaction had me actually
laughing out loud and hard for quite a while afterward. Such a defining
moment of a heel taking the belt off of a fan-favorite. You could tell
right then that Miz may or may not be having a long run with the title,
but he's going to be having a memorable one just because of that one moment.
Her return to Raw wasn't all that impressive compared to the original,
I think that's because they tried to dress her up like a normal little
girl instead of the evil demon spawn of Satan that she clearly is oh god
she's gonna kill us KILL US ALL!
Esben Evans: Batista
feeling that he was too good for WWE. HOLY FUCK YES! It was one of the
best days of my life as a wrestling viewer when that lump of suckage after
an eternity of having been pushed down our (and seemingly every diva on
the roster’s) throats, decided that he would take his (basket)ball and
go home. He had a film career that needed to get launched or something,
I think that was it...so look out for Big Dave in a Blockbuster near you
as Bodyguard #2 in the new Universal Soldier or something.
Canadian Bacon: Bret
hart returned? When did this happen? Was he standing behind that guy wearing
his t-shirt who kinda looked like the guy who used to teach me guitar
lessons out of the back of his van and sell pot to school children? (dead
my bigtime choice, though, is Kaval winning NXT! Keep you're eye on this
kid, trust me. (I once predicted the Wrestlemania main event like 4 months
after it happened, so don't doubt my skills.) I see big things ahead for
him in 2011!
Andariel Halo: Abyss's
casket match ending in disqualification. TNA, how did you know! I LOVED
Anthony Dean: That very
first Nexus beatdown was, as a stand-alone event, probably the most surprising
and memorable bit of good that happened this year, regardless of how it
worked out. Angry Miz Girl is definitely right up there, though. I thought
seeing Kaval/Low Ki/Senshi win NXT was also pretty neat, especially with
the recent high-profileness of US Champion Daniel Bryan and the continued
elevation of CM Punk into the upper echelon, but we all know how well
that worked out for The World Warrior (not Ryu.) At least we still got
DASHING Cody Rhodes to require us to wear shades when we look toward the
future. You know, because it's so bright. Thank God. Thank God.
"Great" Scott: The Santino
Marella/Vladimir Kozlov Pairing. I’ve got to admit, I disliked both of
these guys when they first started. They both got pushed to the moon (Kozlov
was even booked to win over The Undertaker…CLEAN) and they really didn’t
have the in-ring ability to back it up. Fast forward a year or so, and
these two are GOLD. I actually smile pretty much every time they come
on the screen. They’ll never be mistaken for the Hart Foundation, but
I’ll take them over the Usos any day of the week.
I’d like to give an honorable mention in this category to Alberto Del
Rio. That guy is really doing a great job as a heel, with really very
little help (from an NXT reject sidekick or an evil tool announcer). A
second tier honorable mention goes to Ricardo Rodriguez, Del Rio’s ring
announcer, who I’ve said in the past has more charisma than most of the
guys on WWE’s roster.
The Sixth Child:Jay
Lethal impersonates Ric Flair on Impact. If you can find the unedited
segment, watch it. Several times. Lethal’s tribute is almost dead-on,
and Flair’s reaction and subsequent rant are absolute gold. I’m talkin’
1991 Flair here. Special mention goes to the Old School edition of RAW
(15/11/10). Sure, most of it dragged on like a motherfucker, and anyone
under the age of 20 probably didn’t know what was going on half the time.
But old school wrestling always brings a smile to my face; along with
the Iron Sheik making a fool of himself (check).
11.) BURIED ALIVE. Most
frustrating burial of the year.
Nominees: Nexus, Kaval, Mickie James, Eric Young, ECW.
Sean Carless: Kaval.
Luckily, they only needed to dig the hole three feet deep, however.
Catherine Perez: Kaval
might be the dark horse winner here, but the more I think about it, the
more I want to give the nod to WWE's Tag Team division. It was one thing
to watch D-Generation X pin every team in the company back in that year
I can't quite recall, but with every tag team I can imagine going through
a "bitter" break-up for no discernable reason, this year has
been brutal to "big league" teams. Over in TNA, Team 3D are
calling their partnership quits because Brother BULLY Ray (sigh)
said he was USING Devon for the past 15 or so years. WHAT? It took this
guy 15 years to realize that he wasn't getting anything worthwhile out
of "using" his tag partner? Come on, Ray; I know you were once
the dumb one with the st-ss-st-st-stsss-stutter, but you can't possibly
be that big of a fucking mongoloid! Anyway, I'm getting off track here.
So, yeah, tag teams.
Blade Braxton: ECW.
Frustrating cause it took SO damn long to bury it.
Derek Burgan: For those
of us who were waiting for Kaval to finally get his big break on the biggest
stage, we were instead subjected to seeing him put into a ridiculous outfit
and doing quick jobs to lesser wrestlers.
Joe Merrick: The only
thing Mickie James should be burying is her blood-soaked sheets in the
garden every time she has another miscarriage and can't bring herself
to tell me.
Cameron Burge: Kaval.
Low Ki being in WWE seemed like a blessing, but I should have known better.
How could WWE possibly give us both Daniel Bryan and Kaval in the same
year? I should have seen it coming. Debuting hot with the crowd he immediately
lost three or four matches in a row, got annihilated at every step he
made and was then fired because creative had nothing for him. I'm curious
as to how the fuck you promote this guy as the hot new thing coming out
of your shitty NXT show and then HAVE NO IDEA what you want to do with
him? Shouldn't you fire some of those new writers you just hired instead?
Sounds like they aren't doing what they are paid to do which I assume
is write, but might also be to give blowjobs to the Vince and Triple H
while Stephanie watches. I heard it from a reliable source (my head).
Esben Evans: I’m gonna
have to say Kaval. The fans liked him after NXT, he has a unique look,
AND a great move set...he also loses...a lot...like all the time...seems
like they decided to give him a similar gimmick as Daniel Bryan, although
Bryan had it during NXT and then went on to win a lot afterwards, not
the other way around...and then of course he got fired, just to punctuate
Canadian Bacon: I'd
like to bury something in mickie james! and right after that I'd like
2 have sex with her.
Andariel Halo: Some
men get by on their past deeds, pointing themselves out as the greatest
thing in wrestling ever, and getting by on little else than that. Some
men get by on their merits, working hard, ignoring the temptations of
backstage shenanigans, go along with all that's given to them with head
held high and confidence and charisma. Some just didn't get no luck.
The man who debuted as a master technical wrestler, a "legend killer",
formed his own tag team group with a female manager companion slave girl.
And ends up never winning a meaningful match, rarely doing anything more
than the most basic of brawling, and always ends up looking the fool,
looking stupid, and totally fumbling in his actions and words. The man
they called Nigel McGuinness, the man I call Fail, the man you call Desmond
Anthony Dean: Samoa
Joe, who once went a year and a half without being pinned or submitting,
lost a submission match, relatively cleanly for TNA, to Jeff Jarrett.
TO JEFF JARRETT. I think that prepositional phrase alone seals the award
for Joe, but as far as within the real wrestling company, I'd have to
say Ted Dibiase Jr, with an honorable shout out and Panther fist to MVP.
I really thought Dibiase was going to be the shining star after Legacy
disbanded, but it turned out the twist to that whole angle was that nobody
new was getting a push and instead they were just going to make Orton
champion again. Swerve~! Right into oncoming traffic, you worthless fuck
Freddy Prinze Jr. I have no idea who on WWE Creative is responsible for
what, so I just blame everything on Freddy Prinze Jr, because I'm sure
there's plenty of awful that he is responsible for that goes unpunished.
Anyway. Oh yeah, and I always felt like MVP deserved better. Turning him
into a hokey PG face, not ever letting him talk, and throwing him in a
tag team with Mark Henry was way worse than he or anyone except maybe
R Truth deserves.
"Great" Scott: The WWE
Tag Team Division. Let’s see…The Hart Dynasty, broken up; The Dudebusters,
half of the team fired; Cryme Tyme, half of the team fired; Vance Archer
and Curt Hawkins (who sucked anyway), half of the team fired; McIntyre
and Rhodes, teamed together for a month and broken up. I just don’t understand
the WWE’s new anti-tag-team stance. Would you like to know why this pisses
me off so much? In 1988, there was a TEN-TEAM Survivor Series match. They
actually had TEN regularly-competing tag teams on the roster (no Iron
Mike Sharpe/Barry Horrowitz crap). Now, they can never seem to have more
than three teams on the roster at a time. It’s frustrating as hell.
The Sixth Child: So
the Miz becomes the new WWE heavyweight champion. But his first title
defence was against (wait for it) Jerry “The King” Lawler. What’s worse,
Miz would’ve lost said title if it wasn’t for a run-in by (wait for it)
Michael Cole. Just like CM Punk before him, Miz’s momentum after cashing
in his Money in the Bank caontract was stopped, raped and killed in front
of its children. The way Miz won the title was beautiful, defeating an
injured Randy Orton after facing Wade Barrett, making both competitors
look good, and setting up a decent feud. But all that turns to shit so
a 61 year old announcer could get a shot at the belt. These people are
Speaking of which, special mention goes to Eric Young reverting back to
being a moron (see #9).
12.) SO GREEN, HE/SHE'S
BROWN. (Get out of the ring before you hurt someone... unless it's yourself,
then it's OK.)
Nominees: Rob Terry, Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox, David Otunga, Eli
Cottonwood, Lacey Von Erich, Titus O'Neal, Robbie E., Rosa Mendes, almost
any NXT Rookie.
Sean Carless: Ah, so
many choices. I *could* go with an obvious choice like Lacey Von Erich,
but my penis nixed it - a penis I've taken to applying the dreaded and
feared IRON-CLAW to during her matches... in honor of her family and their
legacy. (No one has broken it yet - not even the police!). From there,
I then further honored her father by blowing its brains out. (that's where
we're told we men keep them).
Another easy pick would be David "Starscream" Otunga; but truth be told,
I'd only pick him so I could then segue it into a gag where Otunga finally
jettisons a left-for-dead Wade Barrett from the insides of Husky Harris
- who insists Nexus lighten their load as he transports them through space.
My official choice, though, is Eli Cottonwood, a man seemingly as ignorant
to the existence of his own mustache as most non-Hollywood lesbians. Some
people have taken to calling him the white Great Khali. But I say, fuck
that. Great Khali is the Indian Eli Cottonwood. I believe in our
economy first, and frown upon the outsourcing of giant, terrible
wrestlers to India. BUY AMERICAN. BUY ELI COTTONWOOD.
Catherine Perez: Here's
a good question: who's greener, Lacey Von Erich or her former storyline
trainee, Miss Tessmacher, who recently suffered an injury after just a
few short weeks in the ring? I like to think that Lacey dropped her shit
and left TNA in the middle of showing Miss Tessmacher how to grab a handful
of hair. Such wrecklessness from a once esteemed master of the grappling
arts! I still think that Alicia Fox is capable of in-ring murder, though.
We've all seen that scissor kick! I could start a rumor right now about
her decapitating her last boyfriend in a freak accent while getting freaky
in the sack one night, and I'm inclined to think that someone might believe
me (Canadian Bacon, maybe).
Blade Braxton: The fact
that Kelly Kelly is still up for nomination years after her debut proves
she was better off being left alone to urinate in sinks her whole life.
Damn you, Johnny Ace!!
Derek Burgan: HOW IS
ROB TERRY ALLOWED TO BE IN A MAJOR LEAGUE WRESTLING RING? This guy isn't
just a flashing red light, he's a three alarm fire that just screams to
the rest of the world that We Don't Give A Shit What You Think About People
On The Gas. Which could be forgivable if Rob Terry had either Dave Bautista's
charisma or a workrate that didn't make Giant Gonzalez look like Shawn
Joe Merrick: Lacey Von
Erich once messed up a move so bad that...cancer still..couldn't be cured,
because it...because it sucked and the move was...fuck Lacey Von Erich
is what I'm getting at.
Cameron Burge: Alicia
Fox. She is going to kill someone. I swear that someone is going to die
if she is not stopped. They thankfully pushed her back out of the title
picture quickly enough but I cannot even begin to fathom why she was Diva's
champion in the first place. Was it all part of the need that every single
Diva on the roster needs to have been champion at least once? Couldn't
they have given her a finisher that doesn't absolutely murder her opponents
when she sits on their fucking neck? The questions as to hwo and why she
was pushed just come with baffling possibilities of answers, but at least
she's kinda of hot. She's my backup Melina. Thankfully, now she appears
to just be cannon fodder for whoever is getting the push of the week and
filling the Jillian Hall role of generic evil Diva tag team partner.
Esben Evans: I still
remember David Otunga’s debut on NXT where he botched his own finishing
move. Granted, it has gotten better, but certainly not a lot...sadly,
the other Nexus member’s are so bland that it only makes sense for him
to be the one leading a rebellion against Wade Barrett...I mean, Heath
Slater being the mouth piece of anyone or anything is just ridiculous.
Canadian Bacon: David
Otunga because he's kind of brown. you know, like that faded colour ground
beef goes when you leave it in the fridge for like 5 days. only in this
case the meat knows two wrestling moves and is married to somebody famous.
but unlike beef, you get arrested and executed for eating him.
Andariel Halo: Unless
I'm the stupid one, Ken Anderson. Good God, man, he's unlearning wrestling
moves as fast as TNA is unlearning how to make money.
Anthony Dean: I'm not
gonna lie to you, Otunga is pretty fucking rough, but most of Nexus is
at least moderately dangerous in that regard. I'm just glad Skip Sheffield
managed to take himself out before anyone, you know, good. Now I don't
keep up with NXT whatsoever so I basically have no idea who any of these
nominees are, but even still I doubt any of those rookies fucks up their
SIGNATURE MOVE as often as John Morrison does. Don't get me wrong, I love
Mr. Nohjo Rison, he's a good guy and we here at TWF wish him a lot of
luck, but internet cocksucking notwithstanding, holy fuck brah, if you
know exactly how you're going to be ending 98% of your matches, you might
want to take the time to come up with a way to get that down at least
remotely consistently before you do any more work on your eight-pack.
I seriously think I've seen him hit that move convincingly maybe twice
ever, and every single other time, probably due to some combination of
his opponent being too close and him being “too athletic,” he overshoots
it like a motherfucker and only the top of his sternum ends up connecting
with their left arm, and they still have to act dead long enough for him
to get the pin, making any sort of video package for this guy absolutely
impossible. Get your shit together.
The Sixth Child: I was
gonna say Ms Tessmacher, but she’s just started. She also has the same
in-ring prowess as Kelly Kelly, who’s been with WWE for four years. Was
anyone planning on teaching K2 more than three moves? Like, ever? And
it would be nice if she didn’t execute all of them without screeching
like Vicki Guererro on heat. Just sayin’.
13.) THE OWEN HART MEMORIAL
WORST "HOOK-UP" AWARD (For worst Wrestling Couple, Real or Scripted)
Nominees: Kelly Kelly and Drew McIntyre; Maryse and Ted Dibiase;
Undertaker and Michelle McCool; Goldust and Aksana; Kaitlyn and Dolph
Ziggler; Abyss and Janice; Robbie E. and Cookie.
Sean Carless: Oh, this
category. It's been 7 years. I feel terrible for having ever coined it.
Almost as terrible as the time I made an Owen Hart Valentine card (I'm
FALLING FOR YOU!), or the time I made this:
But the show must go on. And speaking of shows, and show
business, and putting out for people in show business, I guess I *could*
choose the Bellas, for their collective whoring/seduction of EVERY Guest
Host for two years. Hell, at this point, Daniel Bryan could probably walk
right into their vaginas, wipe his feet to honor his trainer William Regal,
and never once touch the sides. My pick, however, is going to Michelle
McCool and the Undertaker; not because I dislike them, but so I can re-post
But hey, how does sex with the Undertaker even work? Do
you just have to wait in bed, then the lights go out and he gradually
ascends out of some smoke? When he drops to his knee to go down on her,
does he do that hand gesture thing first before pulling out the tongue?
And when she goes down on him, is his biological instinct to triangle
her head until she passes out? Or am I the only one who does that/spends
3 years in prison?
Catherine Perez: I haven't
actually seen the past three or so episodes of Smackdown (I've been a
combination of busy, sleepy, and busier since mid-December), but I heard
that Drew McIntyre and Kelly Kelly have a thing going on! Cue the sitcom
oohs and ahhs! When you take into account that McIntyre is blander than
white rice with a side of white bread served on cardboard, and Kelly Kelly
has the dead eyes and the soulless monotone, I don't think it's right
to give this award to anyone else. At least his song is cool, eh? Right?
Guys? On a serious note, what the hell is wrong with Kelly's eyes? Will
someone please wave a "50% off breast implants" coupon in front
of her to put a little spring in her step? Ever read "How
to Be a Cam Whore in 5 Easy Steps" on The Best Webpage in the
Universe? I think Kelly is a dead ringer for Maddox in a blonde wig. I
digress. Drew McIntyre and Kelly Kelly is a deadly concoction of the blahs,
and I don't see it going anywhere.
Blade Braxton: Tiffany's
trainwreck of a real-life marriage to Drew McIntyre ended up getting her
lovely titties fired. Note to Tiffany: exchange nuptials on TOP of the
glass ceiling for proper job security.
Derek Burgan: As stated
in a previous award, just the mere fact that Maryse can outwardly show
her utter disgust of being teamed with Ted Dibiase is worth it's weight
in gold. The fact that the two have minus chemistry, to the point of making
Ben Affleck and J-Lo in Gigli look like the glory days of Moonlighting,
shows that these two shouldn't even be on the same show together, let
alone as a team.
Joe Merrick: Abyss and
Janice. Man, her acting was wooden. HERP.
Cameron Burge: Robbie
E. and Cookie. Hand down. No contest. They are single handedly the reason
I will not and cannot watch TNA. I was enraged, so horrified by their
gimmick (and Cookie's voice) that I immediately muted the television and
then later changed the channel to not have to watch them. They made me
watch another show just because of how annoying they are. These pop culture
gimmicks are terrible to begin with as they lead to nothing and when the
reference dies off, the characters end up dying with them, making it a
doomed gimmick to begin with and why the FUCK was he X Division champion?
That was terrible. Just terrible. Please stop making me watch stuff like
this, TNA. Why must you hurt me so you abusive bastard?
Esben Evans: Maryse
& Ted DiBiase. Now granted I didn’t see a lot of WWE back when Maryse
was a champion, but from what I did see, she was quite good at playing
a complete bitch...that was until she met the black hole of charisma that
is Ted DiBiase. God DAMN, that guy is the complete opposite of his dad.
He’s about as interesting as my carpet...and believe me, it’s not a very
Canadian Bacon: Prolly
Undertaker & Michelle McCool. you thought taking the gogoplata was bad.
try taking it without pants. (but at least u get a cool butterfly belt
out of the deal.)
Andariel Halo: Edge
and Paul Bearer. Kind of uncomfortable seeing him push his new obese lover
around in the same wheelchair he pushed his ex obese lover. Unless I've
misconstrued what I'm seeing on the mute TV.
Anthony Dean: The title
of this category cracks me up every time. Vickie and Dolph Ziggler because
it involves both Vickie and Dolph Ziggler. If I actually watched TNA with
any amount of regularity I'd probably pick Abyss continuing to poorly
imitate Foley or that Jersey Shore thing, but let's face it, at this point
criticizing TNA compared to WWE is exactly like putting a wild badger
in a seventh grade classroom and criticizing the badger when, instead
of doing what is instructed as well as the other children, it just snarls,
refuses to remain in his chair, and gets into everyone's lunchboxes, and
I mean that.
The Sixth Child: Trent
Beretta and Caylen Croft. So their gimmick is, basically, that they’re
douchebags. Oh, and they play videogames. Is WWE Creative even trying
anymore? Of course not. That would imply that they’ve actually tried in
14.) THE SHOCKY AWARD FOR
BEST BLOOPER OF THE YEAR (Named in honor of Shockmaster, of course).
Nominees: Undertaker gets burned by his own pyro; Randy Orton
injures himself by pounding on the mat; "THERrrrrE HERrrrE"
Grammar (and Spelling) Fail; ALL of NXT Season 3; Alicia Fox: Undefined
Divas' Champion?; NXT Season 2 Finale Brawl Clusterfuck; Michael McGillicutty
cuts a promo right here at this moment; Eli Cottonwood's "What is
a mustache?" promo; Titus O'Neil's Twitter exposé; Aksana demands
to know what a llama is; Tyler Reks causes chaos on an airplane in Green
Sean Carless: As easy
as it would be to just choose the ENTIRE season of NXT Season 2, I'm going
to just choose one of its early contestants; a man whom I thought couldn't
But top it he did, on Twitter, when he accidentally REVEALED
HIS PENIS DURING A TWEET (MAKE IT A WANG?). I'm totally serious. Titus
O'Neil exposed himself, and shattered all stereotypes about black genitalia,
(What's next, a Jew who is terrible with money? OH.),
and then claimed he was HACKED - because Lord knows he'd be top of the
list of wrestling celebrities for whom to commandeer their Social Media.
(CABLE JONES - BEWARE. YOU MAY BE NEXT.)
So, ya, that's my choice. And if I had a penis that likely
looked like an acorn sitting on my balls, I might deny it, too. But until
then, I think I'll just continue to leap from the bushes when suddenly
feeling the urge to expose myself/destroy innocence. I guess I'm just
old-fashioned like that.
Catherine Perez: All
spectacular moments, but my favorite of them all has to be Tyler Reks
freaking out on an airplane, if only because the way the story was told
by WWE sound engineer Marc Lanciaux was absolutely hilarious. For those
who didn't get to read it, here's an excerpt:
"Turns out that Einstein was sitting near the wing, and out the
window, witnessed a terrifying (to him) event. To his horror, one of the
flaps that make the plane fly or land or whatever it is that those moving
parts on the wing do… moved! GASP! After witnessing this, Einstein freaked
out, telling the flight attendant that he was a pilot himself and he knew
that wasn’t supposed to happen. He was sure the plane was unsafe. He started
getting louder and louder, and more and more obnoxious. The decision was
made. Time for Mr. Einstein to go bye-bye."
What he failed to mention was that they strapped Reks onto another plane
headed for the island from Lost. That's why he came back to the WWE several
months later looking like fucking Terl from Battlefield Earth mated with
Munky from Korn during an orgy with Serj Tankian, a Geico caveman, Lurtz
the Uruk Hai from Lord of the Rings, Hellbilly Deluxe-era Rob Zombie,
and that Rasta vampire from Twilight inside the DNA splicer from The Fly.
Where the fuck did this guy take his vacation anyway, Jumanji? I would've
loved if his first promo back started with "Did somebody roll a 5
or an 8?" Alright, enough movie references.
Blade Braxton: bloop·er n. 1. Informal A clumsy mistake, especially one made in public;
a faux pas. 2.Baseball a. A weakly hit ball that carries just beyond the infield. b. A high pitch that is lobbed to the batter. 3. NXT Season 3
Derek Burgan: How about
all the times the "Anonymous RAW GM" would send an email and WWE would
position a camera behind Michael Cole or CM Punk showing that they were
reading from a piece of paper in front of the computer? How does this
happen in 2010? You'd think that WWE production could be blamed, but the
"leaked" show with Kevin Dunn's directions throughout show how thoroughly
they keep track of even the most minor things. Just plain weird.
Joe Merrick: You have
got to be fucking kidding me with the McGillicutty moment. It's a pity
we didn't hear him say the rest of it, where highlights included him promising
to kick his opponent's ass, by way of his butt, via the rectum and then
ass buttocks bum tushy.
Cameron Burge: Die Aksana,
you don't belong in this world! What is a llama? A miserable little pile
of SECRETS! That's about all I got there. Meme jokes. Sorry folks. Aksana,
I'm not sure if she is really that stupid or if Živilė Raudonienė (Jesus,
is that really her name?) really wants to play it up for the camera, but
damn. Damn. That has to be one of the dumbest things I've seen all year
and that is saying a lot in a year where Michael Cole was the most pivotal
player in a WWE Title match. I can only hope she is back in FCW, mispronouncing
as many words as she possibly can and living the dream. Pretty hot though.
I hope Goldust got some of that, he deserves a bone, if you know what
I mean! HEYOOOOO!
Esben Evans: For me
that would be TNA going to Monday nights, holy FUCK did they get obliterated
before crawling back to Thursdays. The level of delusion that they could
sustain the ratings they got from their first head-to-head show would
be around the same as Michael Bay thinking he could win an Oscar. It was
just the way they did it, with wheeling out a new nWo reunion, The Nasty
Boys making their “long awaited” comeback, Orlando Jordan weirding everyone
the fuck out by wrapping himself in crime scene tape and defeating Samoa
Joe (say WHUUUUUUUUUUUT!) and Val Venis time warping himself straight
out of 1998 before disappearing almost as quickly as he appeared, but
only after pushing Christopher Daniels over the edge and back to Ring
Canadian Bacon: Undertaker
gets burned by his own pyro! I've seen this guy get all burned up in his
casket at least twice now and nothing, and now he runs away from a little
sparkler? what kind of legit human zombie who can resuscitate himself
is this guy?
My 2nd choice is Titus O'Neil's dink on twitter. he said he was hacked
and I believe him. most of his giant black penis was seemingly missing,
so someone musta obviously hacked it.
Andariel Halo: Possibly...
Jeff Jarrett, and his DOUBLE M-A challenge with kids!
Anthony Dean: Once again,
half the nominees are a mystery to me since I don't watch NXT. I'm almost
starting to regret it, it sounds like a surreally bad experience, but
I think I might like Randy Orton fucking up his own shoulder while setting
up for the RKO by looking like an asshole like he likes to do. It's just
so perfect. “Fuck yeah, got this mo effin' shit in the BAG, son.” Punch.
“Get up you cunt, shit yeah, gonna hit this move and it's gonna be through.”
Punch. “One-two-three, you know me, haha. GET UP YOU BITCH.” Punch. “Aight
here we go. Ooh, I'm gonna getcha, ooooh I'm gonna getcha.” Punch. “OH
GOD I'M OUT, I'M OUT.” Never again will he be able to intimidate his opponents
or look cool by doing that punching the ground while simultaneously humping
it thing, whatever the fuck effect that was ever supposed to have is just
"Great" Scott: Matt
Striker's Survivor Series "CENA'S FREE!" Blunder. It’s Survivor
Series 2010. The WWE’s been building up the Barrett/Orton feud for months.
Well, actually, they’ve focused less on the match and more on the dynamic
between Barrett and John Cena, who will be the referee in the match. The
stipulation is that if Barrett wins, Cena doesn’t have to be a do-boy
for Nexus anymore; if Barrett loses, Cena is fired. I understood it; you
understood; and pretty much all of the WWE Universe understood it. Apparently,
Matt Striker DID
NOT UNDERSTAND IT. For a guy who’s supposed to be the smart one, that
was pretty stupid.
The Sixth Child: Randy
Orton dislocating his shoulder during his pre-RKO pounding of the canvas
at Over The Limit. Of all the things that can put a wrestler on the shelf,
this one is pretty damn humiliating. It would’ve made an awesome feud,
ORTON: You might take up most of this ring, Canvas. But mark my words:
this is my ring, and you’re not gonna get away with injuring me.
CANVAS: Yeah, well, I’m not the kinda guy you can just walk all over.
COLE: Wow! That is vintage Canvas!
STRYKER: Actually, Cole, it’s replaced every two months by the WWE production
team. The fabric is woven in the slums of Honduras, where...
OK, I think you get the idea.
Special mentions go to TNA vs. WWE (see #22) and TNA’s redesign of the
Heavyweight Title (who the fuck came up with that? It looks like Abyss
sat on a Transformer).
15.) MR. KENNEDY "CLOWN-SHOES"
AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF RIDICULOUSNESS. (Wrestler who fucks
up, gets injured, or just plain has terrible luck one way or another)
Nominees: Mr. Kennedy Anderson, Christian, Tyler Reks,
Hurricane Helms, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Titus O'Neil, Aloisia, Alex Riley,
Sean Carless: Jeff Hardy.
Like I mentioned, while everyone else can stake their claim to being biggest
fuck up, only one man's indiscretions may lead to him actually being sodomized.
And not even in the cool way that usually leads to pushes and Titles.
Catherine Perez: Here's
the thing with Matt Hardy. His crazy YouTube videos had people worried
for his mental health. Not the braintrust at WWE, though. Matt was obviously
trying to get fired, but making up a fake split personality just wasn't
WACKY enough for a pink slip. Finally, his alter-ego MATTHEW ALL-CAPS
HARDY seemed to be legit when he did the unthinkable:
Random McMahon stooge: Uh, sir, Matt Hardy is on YouTube acting
erratically. I think it's best to just cut him from the roster. Vince McMahon: Are you kidding me? Just put a ban on BoobTube--- Stooge: YouTube. McMahon: Whatever! Ban it! And close down WWEUniverse.com, too!
If I wanted the opinions of a bunch of fat, pimply kids, I'd ask for Shane's!
Stooge: Sir, Matt Hardy is eating grapes on YouTube. McMahon: Grapes?! JESUS CHRIST, MAN; HE'S GONE INSANE. I won't
have another crazy wrestler scandal on my hands, damn it! Let him go!
I'm pretty sure that's how it happened, so I'm sticking to it. By the
way, that hair he debuted at TNA Genesis is atrocious. I had that same
hair-don't once, too. When I was 12. Before I move on, I'd be remiss if
I didn't post something that I found pretty funny about Alex Riley's police
Blade Braxton: Hurricane
Helms attacks HBK on Twitter. For once, it was like a jackass was hunting
Derek Burgan: Has anyone's
star fallen faster than Hulk Hogan's after a combination of bad luck and
even worse career moves? Millions of dollars lost this year, the joke
of the non-wrestling world with his wife-that-looks-like-his-daughter-who-looks-like-him,
TMZ following around his ex-wife and her new boy toy, and a one hour reality
show showing a "reenactment" with the Hulkster putting a gun in his mouth.
Joe Merrick: It's surely
terrible enough luck when someone decides to name you Tyler Reks. He sounds
like a 90's edgy comic character who should be teamed up with Gabriel
Surberuss, Xander Croosificks and BOOOONESAAAW.
Cameron Burge: I love
who the first nominee is for this one. It amuses me. I give it a tie to
Jeff Hardy and Alex Riley. Let's start with Riley who was actually quite
successful in FCW. Just a few months ago he won the heavyweight title
there against Justin Gabriel and Barrett. That reminds me, why isn't Nexus
just called the FCW Invasion? Flash forward a few months to a man who
has never won a match he's been in since NXT ended. He's forced to be
the side kick to Miz, a character who doesn't even really need a side
kick to get over as a heel. He's really just a match placeholder and it
shows. There's nothing to be entertained by here. The poor guy is doomed.
Now, Jeff Hardy. Have you seen that belt? Have you? Look at it. He's the
Diva Champion. The guy has had a rough year and all, but whoever thought
it was not only a good idea to throw him into the middle of one of the
most ill-advised storylines in TNA history not involving Jeff Jarrett
(oh wait, IT DOES!) but also put him over in an unbelievable and unentertaining
way with the least credible looking title in history....yeah...
Esben Evans: Triple
H. Seriously, how many muscles can that guy keep on tearing!? My guess
is that he’s just a sucker for the comeback reception and the U2 videos.
Canadian Bacon: Aloisia!
(Alopecia?). But like I said, I LOVE the huge bitches, and I'd definitely
show her the best 2 out of 3 seconds of her life. I'd even go up on her!
And I never do that! (I don't like having a beard! real or ortherwise!)
Andariel Halo: This:
Anthony Dean: The Hardys
making that video dissing CM Punk for his being aloof and having a superior
attitude about being drug-free, while clearly fucked up, waiting for the
check in what looked like a North Carolina Waffle House. Neither has ever
looked like more of a cock, and I have both seen Jeff Hardy posing with
his Diva's belt with his arm being raised by Hulk Hogan AND read Matt
Hardy's blog, so. This was a new low for both men involved is what I am
The Sixth Child: Christian.
After being passed over at TNA he returns to WWE... only to be passed
over again. Sure, he had a run as ECW champ in 2009, but seriously, who
didn’t? Even Chavo got a turn (see #6). This year saw Christian drift
from RAW to Smackdown to NXT, in which his main achievements were losing
two Money in the Bank matches, and tearing his pectoral muscle. Seeing
such a talented wrestler unable to catch a break is just plain sad.
16.) DON'T GO AWAY MAD...
JUST GO AWAY. (For wrestler or TV wrestling personality you most want
GONE from Wrestling)
Nominees: Hornswoggle, Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, Dixie Carter,
the RAW General Manager, Jerry Lawler, Gunner and Murphy, Orlando Jordan,
Lay-Cool, the Hardys, Ric Flair.
Sean Carless: Hornswoggle.
I'll even paint a black hole on the wall to the Unemployment office just
to make his trip a little faster.
Catherine Perez: Hornswoggle,
Lay-Cool, and Gunner & Murphy: the Trifecta from Hell. Okay, five-fecta.
It would be in all the nominees' best interests if they all disappeared
forever. Hey, Hornswoggle, here's an English lesson for you: FUCK OFF.
I demand a six-page paper apologizing for your atrocious WWE run tomorrow.
Michael Cole has also crossed into a territory where his loudmouth asshole
routine is less fresh and funny and more incredibly friggin' distracting
from the show itself. As if we really needed to see MORE of Cole's waterlogged,
shaved-vagina-face on a weekly basis. The fact that some commentators
are joining Cole in becoming unnecessarily obnoxious in order to put themselves
over the wrestlers is pathetic. There is NO justification to having this
guy become a focal point of the show while guys like Kaval get the shaft.
What a joy it was to see Jim Ross slap the douche right out of him, if
only for a few seconds.
Blade Braxton: There's
only one midget who sucks dick that I enjoy watching, and that's Bridget
The Midget. Time for Hornswoggle's metaphorical dick sucking to be removed
from our screens.
Derek Burgan: Nothing
personal against him, but if I've seen my last Christopher Daniels match,
I won't be crying myself to sleep at night. And for that matter, Brian
Kendrick. Two guys who I fell in love with at the start of the decade
in Ring of Honor, and I had to watch them both move up to The Big Leagues
and come back to the indies as a much more boring version of their previous
selves. Has the love of wrestling been beaten out of them?
Joe Merrick: Hogan,
Bischoff and Dixie can all share this one. Like a trifecta of AUUUUGH
they form the unholy trinity of Fuck, This, and Shit.
Cameron Burge: The Raw
GM. I don't know if I can take it anymore. I already don't like Michael
Cole, but the GM e-mails stop the show dead in its tracks. We have to
wait for Cole to posture around and take his time to do his little schtick
before we can finally hear what the GM has to say. This is annoying, it
breaks the mood and flow of everything and the GM is now a heel by crowd
reaction. The sad part is, WWE doesn't seem to notice just how much people
hate sitting through this. Just because it's getting some reaction, we're
going to keep getting it shoved down our throat until it squirts out our
asses like the diarrhea crap it is. My apologies to anyone horrified by
that last joke. Seriously though, please just "reveal" who it
is (as if you ever actually had anyone in mind and aren't just dragging
this out until you can think of a good answer or just phase it out entirely),
or stop. Because I hate it.
Esben Evans: The RAW
General Manager, or more importantly, MICHAEL COLE AND HIS FUCKING LAPTOP!
Michael Cole being heel was a brilliant move...but the level of annoyance
that he brings me on a weekly basis is unbelievable. I’ve never taken
any more pleasure in anything wrestling related than when Jim Ross slapped
the fuck out of Cole on RAW, that was sweet, sweet justice. His voice
has started to chip away on my very soul, it’s horrible.
Canadian Bacon: Murphy.
Robocop was 20 years ago. Let it go. Technology has advanced to the point
where ur no longer even necessary.
Andariel Halo: Ken Anderson.
To quote myself (I once said quoting yourself is sheer stupidity) from
back in July, "Why do I hate him so much? Is it the douchebag nature
of his gimmick? The sort that appeals to college frat boys who think it
an average thursday night to rape a few drunk girls, smear shit on their
faces, go driving drunk, smash the car into a tree, wander out before
it explodes, and pick fights with hobos before being arrested and bailed
out by their rich white fathers? I think so."
Anthony Dean: Everyone
at TNA who has appeared onscreen more than they have wrestled within the
last calendar year. Also Tyler Reks.
"Great" Scott: "Evil"
Michael Cole. I’m going to steal a piece of wisdom from Malcolm over on
the NXT report. The WWE can’t find anything to do with Kaval, Shad, or
anyone in the tag team division, but they can give Michael Cole tons of
television time, and even involve him in a main event. Isn’t that awesome?
The funny part is, I didn’t really hate Michael Cole was he was just a
plain old announcer. He was no Jim Ross; he was just sort of…there. Now,
my God, it’s like he’s bipolar. One second, he’s cheering for Santino
or against the Nexus, and the next second he’s dogging on Daniel Bryan
and cheering for The Miz. The thing about good heel announcers is that
they were ALWAYS heels. Jesse Ventura and Bobby Heenan never cheered for
the good guys. Even when Heenan was with WCW in the NWO era…he still didn’t
really support WCW, he just took digs at the NOW (when he wasn’t running
away or cowering in fear). So, listen up, WWE—Cole will never be Bobby
Heenan, so just kill off this “Evil” Michael Cole character and bring
back the “Shill The Web Site” version of Cole we all know and ignore.
The Sixth Child: Hornswoggle.
The (little person)ification of the WWE’s new target audience: children,
and / or fucking morons. Every time he appears on screen, a little part
of me dies (pun intended). I have fantasies where I’m revealed to be the
anonymous RAW General Manager, and my first order of business is to call
Hornswoggle out to the ring, and punt the shit out of him ala Lard
Lad in “The Simpsons”.
Special mention goes to Mick Foley. After his TNA title reign I never
wanted to see him again. Ever. Luckily his role there has been reduced
to the occasional ECW reunion.
17.) WHO'S "NECKS-T"? (Award
for wrestler most likely to get injured)
Nominees: Hulk Hogan, Randy Orton, Mr. Anderson, Matt Hardy,
Sean Carless: Maybe
Rey Mysterio? Although that would suggest that'd he be healthy enough
to then get injured all over again. All I know is, I've heard through
a reliable source that doesn't exist that the *real* reason he wears a
mask is because it's the only thing holding his head on. At this point,
dude's like a Pez Dispenser held in one piece by duct-tape.
That said, my choice is actually John Cena - a man who is drifting farther
and farther away from Superman every day. I'm really starting to suspect
that either his opponents have radioactive pieces of West Newbury secretly
stashed in their tights, or this guy might not be the last son of Krypton,
Massachusetts, after all. But then again, to survive Krypton's destruction,
that'd have meant that Cena would have had to actually LEAVE, and
as this year has proved, HE JUST CAN'T DO THAT. Had he *really*
been there, he'd have still been standing there as the rubble was falling,
cracked some jokes about Zod, and then been killed with the rest of the
So, there. That's my pick. And not just because when I wrote this I heard
he injured himself. But if I was WWE, I'd try and fly him as close to
the yellow sun of earth as possible anyway. And then feel free to keep
Catherine Perez: Mr.
Anderson swears up and down that he's not injury prone, but he's not doing
much to prove it, is he? Hilarious that he's sharing this prestigious
honor with Randy Orton, isn't it? Orton injured himself by slamming his
fists onto the mat before the RKO. Not since Kevin Nash walked across
the ring and tore his quad has an injury ever looked so ridiculous. As
far as Hulk Hogan goes, how long before the urge to bodyslam something
that weighs twice as much as he does overwhelms him, brother? At this
rate, doctors are probably going to replace most of his body with robot
parts by 2018. TNA might just get their version of RoboCop!
Blade Braxton: Mr. Anderson
is starting to make Chris Von Erich seem like Cal Ripken or Brett Farve.
Derek Burgan: With Meltzer
already talking about 'Taker having to get his hips replaced, and he seems
to be on a One Match On, One Injury Off, I think we've seen the last of
a healthy Undertaker.
Joe Merrick: Anderson.
Just so goddamn unfortunate. 'Please sir, may I have a title push-AAGH
MY TRICEP'. Longest feud the guy had was with his cruciate ligament.
Cameron Burge: I'm not
sure self-inflicted suicide attempts count as an injury, so I'm not putting
my money on Matt Hardy. I hope I just made an emo girl cry. Hulk Hogan.
Not because I think he's going to keep getting in the ring, but because
I think the odds are very likely of him throwing his hip out while boning
his hot new fiancé with some of the Hulkster's prayers and vitamins fueling
him on. Mostly the prayers. The bright side is that perhaps then he can
stop trying to kill the business in his spare time and rehashing WCW crap.
On the other hand, maybe he’ll decide to renew his rivalry with the couch
and tear his quad or something when he walks by it. MAN VS. SOFA! Who
Esben Evans: Triple
H. I’m sure he’ll tear a quad when trying to make his comeback.
Canadian Bacon: Matt
hardy tearing a bicep from opening the fridge door so many times because
he's fat and that's the joke.
oh and hulk hogan! I was talking to sean & Catherine and they told me
that the *only* reason he got his back fused was so he wouldn't ever have
to lay flat on it for more than 2 seconds again. I don't get it either.
Andariel Halo: It's
a tie between Kurt Angle, Ken Anderson, and the kid in that video that
Jeff Jarrett put in a leglock.
Anthony Dean: With any
amount of luck it'll be the super secret Raw GM so maybe wwe.com will
post one of those hokey stories covering the surgery, complete with a
fake Q&A with the person being interviewed “giving” clearly ghostwritten
generic answers to boring questions. I just really want to know who it
is at this point. Who is it going to be. I feel like if it was gonna be
Cole that would've been revealed by now, so whenever they do finally reveal
it, unless it's something truly huge and worthy of this crazy long buildup,
it'll be a hilariously monumental letdown. I mean Hornswoggle being revealed
as Vince's son bad. Like an evil Todd Grisham or something.
The Sixth Child: Back
in 2008 I reluctantly gave this one to Jeff Hardy, and two years later
it hasn’t changed. Again, when you do swanton bombs for a living, chances
are it’s gonna happen. But rest assured, Jeff: you as an injured champion
are still a helluva lot better than a fully-functional Mick Foley (see
18.) "EVEN WE'RE EMBARRASSED
TO BE FANS. US!" (Event or angle that is so terrible or tasteless, even
we don't approve).
Nominees: John Cena and Jerry Lawler hurl fat jokes at a physically
fitter Vickie Guerrero; Legendary astronaut Buzz Aldrin moon walks in
the ring after an abysmal segment; Mae Young challenges Lay-Cool to a
match; Abyss gains superpowers from a WWE Hall of Fame ring; Edge kidnaps
Paul Bearer; Hogan & Bischoff and Dixie Carter's struggle for power;
the Piggie James storyline; the Mystery of the RAW General Manager; Abyss
just about murders Rob Van Dam; Stand Up for WWE; Michael Cole continuously
puts himself over at the expense of the in-ring action; TNA's "CONCUSSIONS!"
storyline; THEY: the 10/10/10 Clusterfuck; Rey Mysterio's second World
Heavyweight Championship reign, Bubba the Love Sponge in general; Orlando
Jordan exploits his sexuality for shock value, no one cares.
Sean Carless: Abyss
gets super powers from Hulk's Hall of Fame ring. Why do big inbred retards
always think possessing an article belonging to Hogan will give them powers/abilities?
And why didn't Russo pen an angle where a group of rag-tag X-Divisioners,
led by Kevin Nash in a white robe, took the ring to Mordor? (ONE DOES
NOT JUST NONSENSICALLY FLIP INTO MORDOR.) Or maybe they'd just KEEP the
ring and wear it? That would at least explain their current invisibility...
Catherine Perez: Remember
when I said 2010 was the year of enjoying the little things? It was also
the year of looking at your TV between your fingers as you groaned in
utter embarrassment at what was unfolding before you. One moment that
was particularly embarrassing for me to watch was when Orlando Jordan
debuted his manwhore gimmick and tried to be sexy -- ORLANDO JORDAN, CHIEF
OF STAFF TO JBL, SEXY? --, crawling around the ring amidst chants of "THIS
IS CREEPY!" before taking a seat between some girl and some guy that
were never alluded to again. Even worse was when O.J. squirted lotion
on himself like it was jizz to the delight of no one. TNA: WE ARE WRESTLING
SO SORRY. Is this how TNA wants to help "Eliminate the Hate"?
What's Orlando's big encore? Raping poor Eric Young while the little moron
asks through pained screams if that's how "bi-polar" people
say hello? Dear God.
Blade Braxton: Abyss
made my fanboy fantasy come true this year. I had always wanted to see
Mankind be the next Green Lantern. Abyss empowered with a shitty WWE Hall
of Fame ring will have to do. Question is, did I really need to see it
as one of the main wrestling angles in TNA this year?
Derek Burgan: Having
to watch Amy Lee at Ring Roasts III: Jim Cornette on DVD made me almost
cringe. A drunken tirade of almost exclusively F-Bombs was so bad that
it made previous roast sets from the likes of Eric Simms and the Iron
Shiek seem like they were written by Jeff Ross.
Joe Merrick: Orlando
Jordan manages to create concentrated apathy in WWE, then manages to do
the exact same in TNA whilst basically raping people. Actually set back
homosexual rights by about 500 years.
Cameron Burge: Abyss
becomes a Hulk Lantern (Orange Lanterns already exist, look it up you
non-comic nerds). God, just…what were they thinking? I can’t imagine what
was going through the minds of everyone involved of Abyss somehow being
able to gain superpowers from a magic ring that was blessed by the Mighty
Hulk Hogan and WWE. This doesn’t even get into the fact that by saying
the WWE Hall of Fame ring has special properties; it puts over the company
who made that ring at your expense. My only wish is that they could have
taken this angle even further if they were going to do it at all. He could
have teamed up with The Hurricane and fought crime by making red and yellow
constructs with twenty-four inch pythons (actual snakes). This is one
of those angles that you can’t explain to your friends if they walk in
on you while watching it. The conversation that follows in trying to explain
both why this is happening and why you are watching it will make you wish
that they had just caught you jacking off to midget porn instead. At least
you could laugh about it later.
Esben Evans: Abyss =
Green Lantern!?...err, I thought that the Kayfabe days were over, of course
someone forgot to tell Hulk Hogan that who obviously thought that his
powers of being able to carry the world on his barnyard door back were
transferable to his Hall of Fame ring...it was pretty damn stupid.
Canadian Bacon: TNA's
concussions storyline? I don't know if its because I hit my head, but
i just don't remember that one.
Andariel Halo: THEY!
THERRRRRE HEEEERRRRRRRRRRE! Turning heel in order to save TNA from a self-destructive,
myopic moron with absolutely no business acumen, who brings in a bunch
of hasbeens and neverwases to soak up the spotlight over many desperate
TNA stars in a roster already oversized and overstuffed and suffering
multiple burials and releases each year of beloved talent. Let me repeat
that; TURNING HEEL in order to do all that.
Anthony Dean: Orlando
Jordan “shocking the world” by being a bisexual who wrestles yet that
takes a backseat on the wrestling show to his being bisexual. This character
MIGHT have had some bite in like the eighties back when people outside
of the Westboro Baptist Church gave a flying fuck whether somebody was
gay, and if they did it with any amount of tact so that it wasn't just
you know Rico prancing around slapping men's asses and trying to kiss
them even though they're clearly disinterested BECAUSE GAY = RAPIST and
them faggots just absolutely cannot control all that sin. But come on,
it's 2010. We're almost at the point now where sexual orientation has
just become this passing thing in conversation, like "Oh yeah and our
son Billy has recently discovered that he enjoys submitting to some of
the older boys in the locker room after school and has begun wearing cheerleader
outfits while doing so, kids these days! Ahhh. Anyway I saw that your
daughter was in an another open relationship on facebook? What a social
girl." There are so many men around now, on tv and otherwise, who overtly
enjoy having the dicks of other men in their mouths that I can't even
begin to care about OJ (you ever get an OJ?) as just a guy who likes to
have sex with both men and women. And I mean that's it, that's all he
does. He comes out, sits on a couch next to a hot Blasian girl and a Bravo
channel gay guy and talks about how he is “DTF, baby” which he also screams
throughout his entrance theme.
To be honest, at first I liked the idea. I thought there might be some
potential to be had for a guy who, and this is only if he could also be
taken seriously as a wrestler in his own right and who could conceivably
exist as just a wrestler without being so alarmingly gay, but a guy who
could piss other wrestlers off by having them losing their valets to a
gotdang nancyboy or him corrupting the NXT rookie of a guy he's feuding
with by having it implied he slept with them. That shit would crack me
up. Having a guy on the roster who is allegedly just so irresistable to
so many people that he could get revenge for any beatdown or match loss
by seducing everyone who is close to his enemy. “You may have taken my
prized [shit-tier title], but I took your son's virginity!” Tell me there
would be a person in the crowd indifferent to that feud. But leave it
to TNA to just torch any modicum of potential all to shit, namely when
they had him debut wrapped up in caution tape emblazened with TNA's logo
and slogan of “Cross The Line.” Because nothing says unique rebellious
exciting or taboo like being literally covered in a corporate logo.
The Sixth Child: RAW
Special Guest hosts. Since I didn’t get to vent about them last year,
and they’re technically still going, I’d like to formally ask WWE if they
are OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS!!!??? After all the shit you went through
with Mike Adamle, you get a rotating roster of people who don’t
know shit about wrestling to host your biggest-rating show? I’ll admit
Bob Barker now has a special place in my heart after his appearance (which
was probably the best thing WWE did in 2009), but every other host has
been mediocre at best, and more-painful-than-tongue-kissing-a-cobra at
worst. They were either people I’d never heard of (Rima who?), or people
I never want to hear from again (seriously, Buzz Aldrin, you walked on
the fucking MOON!). It’s never a good thing when your viewers are actually
19.) "HOW ABOUT SOME CLEARASIL
FOR THAT BACK?!" Award for most obvious steroid job in wrestling.
Nominees: Rob Terry, Batista, Shane Carwin, Kurt Angle.
Sean Carless: Rob Terry.
Although that does kind of negate Orlando Jordan's lust for him. Doesn't
OJ know what that shit does to junk? (And what junk does to shit?) Save
the strawberries and cream, bro. It's just not worth it.
Catherine Perez: Hey,
I think WWE's Wellness Policy is working! So it shouldn't be a surprise
that this year's nominees aren't affiliated with WWE. I did a little bit
of research on how to definitively tell if someone's on the 'roids, and
found that there are two good clues. One is a super thick midsection and
the other is a skull that extends beyond the edges of the eyes (not necessarily
both at once). That being said, Rob Terry wins! And so does Batista! Let's
throw in "Welsh Batista" Mason Ryan from FCW for good measure.
I'm telling you, I can save WWE a ton of money by becoming their personal
Blade Braxton: Rob Terry's
gonna end up bringing Stridex back from the dead, becoming a pro wrestling
Derek Burgan: Rob Terry
is probably the only human on Earth with a percentage of water in his
body at about 20%, the rest of the liquids in his body being a mixture
of various pharmaceuticals.
Joe Merrick: No more
obvious than Batista. His arms look like pompeii jellyfish.
Cameron Burge: Rob Terry.
It’s the new Scott Steiner. How can that man even turn his head? I would
assume at this point the muscles have grown around his neck in such a
way as to lock it right into position of whatever way it was facing….down,
at his crushed and bleeding victims that he crushed in the midst of a
rage. This guy is so obviously on roids that I’m surprised he doesn’t
just bring some down to the ring with him and fix himself up right there.
Nobody would be surprised. Maybe it could be a new gimmick for him. He
could “hulk” up afterward and just maul his opponent and it would look
real too…because it would be. Rob Terry should also receive the award
for “biggest drop in prestige of a champion” after going from “Global
Champion,” which is a pretty impressive sounding title, to “Former Television
Champion,” which…sounds worse, to bodyguard. Way to shoot for the top,
Esben Evans: Ezekiel
Jackson. Dude, how many necks can one guy have!?...oh...wait...I forgot
about Rob Terry...
Canadian Bacon: Rob
Terry! he's got muscles in places that there's usually syringes. Wait.
Andariel Halo: Chuckin'
a dart at a random board, I pick.... Primo.
Anthony Dean: I don't
want to go around making unsubstantiated claims, but Skip Sheffield is
a big guy, and that's all I'm gonna say on the matter. Rob Terry is definitely
the most undeniable, but once again, everything's just that much worse
in TNA, so they're exempt, somehow.
"Great" Scott: Ezekiel
Jackson. Now, let me make one thing clear: I don’t know if “Big Zeke”
does steroids, but…no, there’s NO WAY this guy doesn’t do steroids. Just
look at his neck; it looks like a bulldog’s ass! I found a couple of old
pictures of Zeke, and there’s no way that he got that way “naturally.”
Hell, just look at him when he arrived as “The” Brian Kendrick’s bodyguard.
He was just a large black guy. Now, he looks like the love child of Mark
Henry and Scott Steiner.
The Sixth Child: Is
WWE’s wellness policy finally working? Because I honestly have no idea
who to pick. Over at TNA Rob Terry sticks out like a sore, Adonis-like
thumb, but who am I to accuse the guy of juicing? So I’m gonna say Teddy
Long, because he “jobs” to steroids by looking like a 12-year-old anorexic.
20.) EVEN MARLEE MATLIN
COULD HEAR THAT. (For wrestler or diva with the most irritating voice)
Nominees: Vickie Guerrero, Madison Rayne, Velvet Sky, Angelina
Love, Michelle McCool, Layla, Michael Cole, Taz, R-Truth, Savannah, Ashley
Valence, Jamie Keyes, Tony Chimel, Paul Bearer.
Sean Carless: GET IT?
BECAUSE MARLEE'S DEAF AND DOESN'T HEAR ANYTHING AND THIS CATEGORY IS FUNNY
FOR THAT REASON. LOLOLOLOLOL <----- the written sound of Internet hilarity?
Or the sound Marlee actually makes when she tries to talk to you?
That said, Vickie Guerrero's voice has the same effect on me that hearing
God's true voice does on people in the movie Dogma. I used this joke before,
but fuck you, it still makes me laugh.
Catherine Perez: I DREAD
a TNA Knockouts segment now because it means that Velvet Sky, Madison
Rayne, and/or Angelina Love are going to screech into the microphone like
a trio of fucking banshees. Their voices are like nails scraping on a
chalkboard, destroying any and all sense of hearing. Listening to their
promos is akin to listening to kids fight over a popsicle, it's so ridiculously
grating on the ears. Probably makes a guy's balls recede into his stomach,
too. Their seagull cries have no place in pro wrestling. Learn how to
cut a promo without rupturing my ear drums or shut the fuck up.
Blade Braxton: Gotta
go with the double ear-impacting Lay-Cool on this one. If the bumbling,
necro semen-swallowing hick doesn't get you, the ear-grating Brit will.
Derek Burgan: Drunken
David Arquette steals this award with his one night performance on Raw.
Besides being given a horrible script to work with, Arquette's voice was
one for the ages that night.
Joe Merrick: Gonna put
Vickie. Her voice is as if thousands of souls cried out at once. And then
were suddenly raped. These are not the EXCUUUUSE MEEEEs you are looking
Cameron Burge: There
are so many good options to choose from here. Laycool takes the cake for
me, and for one specific instance. I was live at the Raw where they wore
microphones I COULD NOT MUTE THEM! Do you understand? While the rest of
you reached for the remote as fast as you could, I suffered through the
pain and torment of hearing them talk into mics the entire time they wrestled
in voices that made me want to wail to the heavens with pleads as to why
God was putting me through this and why he charged me money for it. That
was hands down the single worst auditory experience of my entire life.
I would rather listen to songs by Math Rock bands on repeat than have
to suffer through that ever again.
Esben Evans: Michael
Cole, AND I QUOTE! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU HARD COLE YOU ANNOYING LITTLE TWAT!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! FUCK YOU! DIE! DIE!
DIE! DIE!...ahem...and that was an impression of me every Monday Night.
Canadian Bacon: Ezekiel
Jackson. Does that guy ever shut up?
Andariel Halo: RIC FLAIR
WHO HAS A TENDENCY TO NEVER NOT SCREAM WHILE ON THE MIC AND REPEAT REPEAT
REPEAT REPEAT GAD GAD GAD GAD I AM GAD I AM GAD GAD GAD things every time
he's on the microphone.
Anthony Dean: This should
be renamed the fucking Eric Young award, and I don't care if he has throat
cancer or whatever. Half his job is talking and he sucks tremendous amounts
of ass doing it.
"Great" Scott: (Tie)
LayCool and Vickie Guerrero. I really wanted to think of something clever
for this one, think outside the box a little. Unfortunately, I decided
to phone it in and pick three obvious winners. Seriously, though, is anyone’s
voice more grating than these three? “Evil” Michael Cole’s voice gets
on my nerves, but at least my eye glasses don’t crack when he’s talking
(or screaming, which is more likely the case when these three banshees
The Sixth Child: Vicki
Guerrero (see #8) and Michelle McCool come a very close second to my pick
for 2010: Tiffany. Her voice is best described as “Romy and Michelle”
meets “Terrence and Phillip”. It gave me another reason to hate ECW when
she became its GM, which was only made bearable by William Regal trying
to break her down. I miss him so much.
21.) SPEAKING OF MARLEE
MATLIN, WE ALL SHOULD BE SO LUCKY. (Worst theme music)
Nominees: Rob Van Dam, R-Truth ("What's Up?"), Ted
DiBiase, Anonymous Raw GM (whaddaya mean the blip doesn't count?!), R-Truth
("Right Time"), Smackdown ("Know Your Enemy"); RAW
("Burn It to the Ground"); The Usos; Lay-Cool; Robbie E. and
Cookie; Mickie James; Darren Young.
Sean Carless: R-Truth
- Get Crunk. I'm actually convinced that God gave him that seizure
& convulsions (although, maybe he was just dancing? It's hard to tell
sometimes) as a punishment for this jingle and its subsequent failed force-feeding.
He does that sometimes to the wicked who are responsible for crimes against
humanity. We should just be happy someone's not building a boat and getting
Batista and George Steele together by the pair right now.
Catherine Perez: Congratulations
to R-Truth for the first ever double nomination in this category! It takes
a major lack of talent to be nominated for TWO original songs, and even
less to have the crowds clamouring to hear "What's Up" again.
Making Eve dance to the second track only accentuated how terrible it
and her dancing are. Smackdown gets a nod, too, only because I absolutely
loathe Green Day. Probably more than I dislike Nickelback.
Blade Braxton: Oh Mickie.
Mickie, Mickie, Mickie. Did I mention she looks damn fine in Daisy Dukes?
Derek Burgan: How can
this not be R-Truth's "Right Time" considering even WWE itself gave up
on that one when they don't give up on anything. So bad that it made people
miss "What's Up?"
Joe Merrick: A mention
should go to R-Truth's, whose inspirational lyrics include WHUH SUH and
GIMME WITTY DEH, WIT DE SINNY BINNY BLEH WHUH SUH. Always killed me when
he got into the ring then just shat out PEOPLE OVER THERE WHASSUP, because
I just expected the people over there to go AGH NOTHING CHRIST. But I
have to give it to RAWB VAN DAHM, THUH HURGHL FOCKIN' SHEUGH, just for
how ass backward retarded it is.
Cameron Burge: Wow,
R-Truth, I believe you are the first person to ever be nominated for this
award twice in the same year. Impressive….-ly bad. “Right Time” is certainly
the worst theme song of the year. The other themes may be bad, but you
can at least tell they are theme songs. “What’s Up?” at least had crowd
participation that got people hyped up to see the guy wrestle. “Right
Time” was supposed to do the same, but his singing was so incomprehensible,
that nobody knew what to chant along with it. Even Eve Torres shaking
her ass didn’t make it tolerable. My favorite part was when they made
a video explaining the lyrics to us so we would know what to chant when…unfortunately
they only did this once so nobody remembered. The final nail in the coffin
has to be that he actually stopped using the song and went back to his
old theme as if to say “Yeah, okay, we admit it sucked nuts, give us a
break, we tried!”
Esben Evans: Smackdown
chooses...Green Day!? That is simply the track that puts me the least
in the mood to watch wrestling. It’s hard to believe that they used to
have music like Marilyn Manson that at least made you wanna kill someone
in a good way, now I just wanna kill someone because of how incredibly
wussy the show has become. “Do you know your enemy?” Yeah, my enemy is
Green Day...and just when you thought it couldn’t be worse, they added
Michael Cole to their announcing team. DAMN IT!
Canadian Bacon: Mickie
James & her song, hardcore cunt! (it really does look like its seen the
extreme wars, though!). Edit: its actually called "Hardcore Country."
Sorry! How embarrassing!
Andariel Halo: Matt
Morgan's! With lyrics so epic awesome, they don't deserve to be words,
and a chorus line that is simply: "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BAdee eeehhh
AAh dehhh ehhhh".
Anthony Dean: Fuck R-Truth.
"Great" Scott: MVP's
New Theme Music. Well, shit, when I went to research MVP’s shitty new
theme music, I saw that he was released. I guess you all have just learned
how much I care about MVP. I didn’t even know he was gone! Well, his pre-release
theme music really did suck; it sounded like something off of a Jock Jams
album. Wow, I’m still amazed MVP wanted to be released. Despite the fact
that he never really got any better in the ring or on the mic, the guy
always seemed to be in a title picture of some sort, and the fans actually
seemed to like him. Did I mention his new theme song sucked? I did? Good.
22.) THE "ARGAIV" AWARD
FOR LETDOWN OF THE YEAR (Get it? Viagra spelled backwards)
Nominees: The CeNexus storyline; WWE vs. TNA: The Monday Night,
um, Squabble; Kaval being fired after winning NXT; The Bret Hart vs. Vince
McMahon feud; Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff (TNA's "saviors")
making a mess of TNA; Nexus debuts strong and fizzles out in months; Rob
Van Dam has his momentum killed mere seconds after his debut; Daniel Bryan
is fired after choking Justin Roberts with a tie; Drew McIntyre fails
to improve; MVP never recovers from that 2008 losing streak; EV 2.0.
Sean Carless: Bret Hart
vs. Vince McMahon; the culmination of Canada's greatest disaster, if you
discount Celine Dion. That's right, America may have 9/11 as their darkest
hour, but Canada has 11/9 - the day Terrorists commandeered Earl Hebner
and made him ring that bell. I can still remember it like it was sometime.
I can sometimes still smell the burning sunglasses. In fact, I don't know
if I ever told you this, but I was actually at Ground
Zero. And boy was The Patriot a fucking TERRIBLE World title challenger.
But that was all for naught because, finally, this year, Bret returned,
looking for retribution, looking for closure, looking for a time machine
back to 1995 when jean shorts were last socially acceptable. He found
some of these things. He even finally buried the hatchet with HBK, instead
of in him, as only two men who secretly fucked Sunny could. Bret let go
of his rage for HBK, figuring that with his crossed eyes and frazzled
facade, HBK was actually the one who truly looked like he suffered the
stroke. Clearly there was nothing else God could do to him. (Despite being
a former Tag Team Partner.)
This of course then led to Bret vs. Vince himself, built upon the "Worst
day of Bret Hart's life", as called by Michael Cole - because, as we know,
there is nothing more psychologically debilitating then breaking your
ankle in a car door. Except maybe seeing every close member of your family
dying, or suffering brain damage to the point where you had to learn to
walk again. Bret's lucky he never had to live through that.
This then culminated in wrestling's first ever "No Holds Used" match at
Wrestlemania; a night made even more disappointing when Bret opted to
not even wear tights that evening, thus not giving us any semblance of
the past Hitman. Hell, he didn't even give away the glasses at ringside!
And I know some people might say that they're sadly out of date, but I
say, watch BACK TO THE FUTURE 2. Doc Brown was wearing them in 2015, so
clearly, they're COMING BACK, and COMING BACK BIG.
Blade Braxton: Bret
Hart vs. Vince McMahon in 2010 was like FINALLY getting to fuck the high
school cheerleader you always wanted, but she never gave you the time
of day. Fucking her at your 60 year high school reunion, that is. Their
match-up at WrestleMania was as painful as getting Polident in your peehole.
Derek Burgan: If you
were a wrestling fan in the Attitude Era, the Montreal Screwjob was wrestling's
9/11. If you had a computer, you were online looking for information.
You were calling wrestling hotlines to find out the scoop. You were looking
at your mailbox every day for the newest Torch or Observer to come and
spill at least some light on the story. Bret Hart then went to WCW, Wrestling
with Shadows was released, Bret Hart's book came out, but whoever expected
Bret to come back to WWE. And when he did, who would have ever thought
it could have been handled so bad that a Bret Hart/Vince McMahon match
at WrestleMania meant almost nothing. Not only that, it was one of the
biggest let downs, match wise, in wrestling history.
Joe Merrick: There wasn't
really a better way to introduce the Nexus into the big leagues. Other
than have them come down the aisle on like a dragon voiced by Samuel L
Jackson anyway. So for it to just sorta...fart out like it did killed
what little faith I had left in this...silly, SILLY sport.
Cameron Burge: CeNexus
was single handedly the biggest let down of the whole year. Once again,
I was live at that show when he joined up and my biggest hope was that
since my home town is the biggest group of Cena supporters, that he would
go heel finally and piss them all off. It seemed like a ripe opportunity,
that he could finally realize that crowd support couldn’t help him and
only he could help himself. He might not enjoy working with Nexus, but
he would beat them all to hell by himself and realize it was he alone
who did it and help is for pussies. It was all laid out there for you,
and instead we got another “Cena rises from the ashes against the odds”
storyline that we’ve seen a million times before because the merch has
to move and we can’t afford to either really have him off the show or
out of his purple people eater ring gear even for a moment. A complete
let down in every sense of the word.
Esben Evans: Wrestlemania.
God, damn it...on paper this card was freaking stacked with awesomeness...and
it just turned out, bleh...the worst of the worst of course being the
Bret Hart “match” where Hart spent what seemed like an hour just pummelling
Vince with a chair...it was just boring...
Canadian Bacon: Not
being able to activate my stungun while following Melina to her car. Oh,
well. But you know what they say ( while in prison). If at first you don't
succeed, maybe try some pills next time.
Andariel Halo: Rob Van
Dam's entire TNA run and championship and such. GREAT MOMENTS IN DEBUTING
A NEW AND SOON TO BE FUTURE CHAMPION: Have him win a match by shenanigans
in 30 seconds, then get shitkilled for five minutes afterwards, beaten
down with a baseball bat.
Anthony Dean: Nexus
is such a mess, and with the amount of bonafide main eventers who left
this year, and a quick scan at the broken down motherfuckers who are left,
you just know that Nexus was really, really not supposed to happen this
way. But it did. I think Heath Slater's said maybe six words since the
angle started six months ago. That's a word a month. And last I checked
the jury was still out on whether a clothesline Otunga threw in some Superstars
match back in October constitutes the first thing in a ring he's done
that remotely resembles a properly executed wrestling move. NXT as a whole
is just a mess. Seeing Season Two winner Kaval ask for his release after
being continuously jobbed out, despite proving himself as the very best
among a group of young wrestlers, not only killed his credibility but
the credibility of the entire NXT concept. Even the very best on NXT can't
hang in the ring with Drew McIntyre for more than five minutes in a nothing
match on Smackdown, so why should I give a fuck about anyone else from
the show, let alone any future winners?
The Nexus isn't doing much to combat this NXT stigma, either, since the
only wrestler whose emerged as a legitimate threat to anything has been
Wade Barrett, with every other guy in the group serving as fodder for
“real” wrestlers to hit their finishers on when they can't get to Barrett
or to be unceremoniously tossed from the ring during brawls and have that
bump take them out of commission. Maybe it's just me, but if there's a
group of SEVEN GUYS who go around stomping people down and taking them
out one at a time, I don't think “Wow, those seven guys are pretty tough,”
I think “Wow, those sure are seven guys.” Nobody can beat seven guys,
it's absurd. And even when those seven guys were put up against seven
other guys, what happened? The seven random motherfuckers who didn't even
get along destroyed them, proving once and for all that sometimes seven
guys is just seven guys. To be honest I'm not even sure who is in it anymore
– are Husky Harris and Mike McGillicuntawhatever members or lackeys or
just guys who want to be in the group or, or what? I guess there's still
CM Punk has recently taken control of the group, and if there's anything
that could possibly save the future of these guys, it'd be a plane crashing
with all of the established stars in the WWE, from Undertaker to Zack
Ryder, dying in the blaze so suddenly they're forced to just like throw
Justin Gabriel in the main event against Laycool or something. After that,
though, it'd probably be CM Punk.
"Great" Scott: SummerSlam.
Seriously, I got this PPV and it blew goats. The worst part about it?
The next PPV (I don’t even remember what it was, but it wasn’t even one
of the big ones) was fifty times better. The hype around this show was
all about the Nexus vs. WWE, and the rest of the card suffered for it.
There were only six matches on the show (one divas match didn’t happen
for some reason or another), and one of them was a seven-minute no contest
because Nexus came out. The main event was good, but the rest of the card
was absolutely horrible. I definitely expected more out of a “big four”
PPV. Stupid me.
I’ve got to give a MAJOR honorable mention to the WWE career of Kaval.
Jesus, the guy lasted, what? Two months? Shit, they could’ve paired him
with Evan Bourne; that team would’ve rocked the three-team tag division!
Seriously, WWE, you need to seriously look at your writing staff if you
can’t find something to do with Kaval.
The Sixth Child: The
WWE vs. TNA Monday Night War-that-never-was. After nearly ten years of
WWE being the only major player in professional wrestling, TNA had finally
started resembling a company that was willing to get its shit together.
Hulk Hogan, the industry’s biggest-ever name, fronts up promising to use
a brilliant roster on the world’s fastest-growing sports entertainment
brand to give Vince McMahon a long-awaited run for his money.
Hogan’s TNA debut attracted 3.1 million viewers – the biggest audience
Impact has ever had. But RAW got 5.6 million by slaughtering its last
sacred cow with the return of Bret Hart (see #33). But instead of building
on their initial success, Hogan and TNA squandered it.
Impact’s debut on Monday nights saw Hogan and Ric Flair in the main event
(which would’ve been awesome... if it was 20 fucking years ago), to which
fans left in droves. By the time TNA threw in the towel, their ratings
were less than 0.8.
Taking on the WWE was going to be a hard task regardless. But in the end,
instead of waking the fuck up and taking a long, hard look at itself,
TNA continues to deteriorate on a weekly basis, ensuring it will probably
never be able to go toe-to-toe with Vinny Mac.
If TNA let me down any further I’d be in fucking China.
23.) EVEN OZZY OSBOURNE
HAS MORE CREDIBILITY. (Award for the individual who exudes the least amount
of real-life credibility in public for whatever reason)
Nominees: Matt Hardy, Hulk Hogan, X-Pac, Vince McMahon, Eric
Bischoff, Tommy Dreamer.
Sean Carless: Matt/alter-ego
Matthew Hardy. That finally explains the weight gain. HE WAS EATING FOR
TWO THE WHOLE TIME.
Blade Braxton: And things
were going SOOOO good for Hulk Hogan...then he whipped his dick out in
front of Brooke in a tv commercial for a video game.
Derek Burgan: Dixie
Carter, for both her appearance as a character on TNA Impact, but her
appearance on the YouShoot from Kayfabe Commentaries. Hearing Dixie Carter
say the phrase "Male Rope Opera" in real life, with a straight face, just
has to be seen to be believed.
Joe Merrick: X-Pac looks
like the one guy Motorhead experimented on in a big band gang bang, and
he's subsequently adopted their mannerisms in a weird attempt to win their
affection and love.
Cameron Burge: Hey,
remember when Ozzy Osbourne was on Raw? Bet you wish I hadn’t reminded
you. Vince McMahon. Who else could do Stand Up for WWE and actually make
the claim that “all of our programming is PG-13” which I will remind you
is not even a TV rating. Sure it might all be PG-13 now, but this is still
the company of the Kiss My Ass Club, elderly hand birth, transvestite
blowjobs, rape, in-ring accidental abortions (remember how funny that
was when Ctrl+Alt+Delete did an abortion angle?! Me either.), and countless
other terrible things kids should never see. Not to mention that the diva
division is just walking sex. Way to go Vince for standing up against
these accusations…that were all completely true. Nobody bought it, and
what was even funnier was the polls showed than nobody even cared about
the WWE’s past, they just didn’t think she was a very effective politician.
That may be because Linda has all the emotional capacity of a tub of butter.
Esben Evans: For me
that would be Tommy “Hey folks! Remember them ECW peeps, we can still
go!...well, we can hobble along just fine at least” Dreamer. WWE revived,
and then slowly tortured/raped/killed ECW until the brand itself lost
all its meaning...good thing that the good folks at TNA decided that it
was time for another go with EV 2.0...Hey remember back when Dreamer Vs
Raven tore up the house with its edgy storyline? Let’s do that again 13
years later! How can that not fail...but worst of all was that Tommy Dreamer
endorsed this as what WWE really should’ve done...god damn it...ECW is
gone, fucking deal with it!
Canadian Bacon: Justin
Credible. His last name is a lie. (although, he did bring the breadsticks
to my table pretty fast ....and didn't put me through it, while caning
me with the loaf).
Andariel Halo: ME! But
if that's not an option, ehhhh, I dunno. Hulk Hogan? Jeff Harvey--HARDY?
Matt Hardy? MVP? Let's pick Matt Hardy.
Anthony Dean: Eric Bischoff,
who, when hired alongside Hulk Hogan earlier this year in some sort of
creative capacity, was championing how it's only a matter of time before
TNA overtakes WWE to justify its miserably failed attempts to go head
to head with the Beast from the Northeast, recently came out and said
in no uncertain terms that it was basically never going to happen, the
WWE is just too powerful and it would be ridiculous to think TNA could
ever surpass it. It wasn't the admission of utter defeat that I couldn't
believe, though - it was how Bischoff refused to acknowledge any problems
with TNA itself, and instead basically just said "Yeah, you know, everyone
knows WWE, they've got a stranglehold on cable, nobody knows about little
old us, there's nothing we can do." Bullshit. At this point, there is
nothing that WWE has that TNA doesn't. Both have multiple television shows
on cable, and yeah, okay, WWE has like four, but who honestly watches
at least half of those. Both have wrestlers with national exposure, both
have monthly pay per views, and both offer essentially the same product.
The WWE does not have an insurmountable Monopoly. TNA's highest rated
show, Impact, regularly gets about one third of the ratings that WWE's
highest rated show, Raw, gets. That's outstanding. What isn't outstanding
is that's the exact same ratings Impact's been getting for years. Bischoff
is clearly just saying this so that when the anniversary of the signing
of Hogan and Bischoff rolls around and people are forced to ask "Okay,
so what has the hiring of these two contributed to the company to justify
paying their enormous salaries?" Bischoff will have his story ready. "It's
impossible. It can't be done. We're just lucky to maintain the 1.0 rating.
If you didn't hire us you'd be in the shitter by now, and if you don't
renew you'll be bankrupt by this time next year." I can't come right out
and say a crime is being committed, but I can say that Dixie Carter, or
whoever is legitimately in charge, should be for standing by and flagrantly
allowing a multi-national company to be run so undeniably shittily. And
this isn't being overdramatic. Have you actually WATCHED a consecutive
month's worth of Impact? It's asking too much of yourself. The show makes
no sense. You're emotionally invested in nobody, things are started and
stopped and changed and dropped, there's no stability, you just have no
idea what is going on. So little effort is put into it, I'll never know
who that 1.0 is. I cannot even begin to imagine what kind of people tune
into that show every week.
"Great" Scott: (Tie)
Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair. I can’t decide which is worse: playing an elf
in Rent-a-Center commercials, having your wife take half your money, looking
like a blathering idiot in YouTube videos of him in the hospital, and
then marrying a 20-something bimbo, or getting beaten up by your wife
and your daughter’s boyfriend while still wrestling despite the fact that
your moobs are hanging over your trunks? I realize both of these guys
are still draws, but the more I watch them in “real life,” the less respect
I have for them. If I had to give one guy the edge here, I would give
it to Hogan, because he’s still trying to stay in the non-wrestling spotlight,
which can’t be good for him.
The Sixth Child: Hulk
Hogan. The man who thought he had enough clout to take TNA to the promise-land,
but instead crashed and burned with an eerie orange afterglow. After sweet-talking
everybody about how he was going to use an army of young and hungry wrestlers
to treat the fans, he relapses into the same ridiculous web of politics
and half-baked story lines that saw WCW go down quicker than a Dutch hooker.
It’s amazing how my admiration for both Hogan and Vince McMahon is only
matched by how much they royally piss me off.
24.) THE AC/DC "BIG BALLS"
AWARD FOR GREATEST SHOW OF TESTICULAR FORTITUDE (In the ring, in real
life, whatever. Just awarding one ballsy motherfucker.)
Nominees: Tara finishes a cage match with a burst bursa sac elbow
injury; Paul London, you know, being Paul London; Mickie James' Superfan
threatens to blow up WWE HQ after Mickie's release, Vince McMahon makes
himself look like an oppressed victim during the Connecticut mid-term
election; Tyler Reks becomes belligerent during a WWE flight in Green
Bay, is escorted off the plane, and STILL keeps his job; Monday Night
Sean Carless: That Mickie
James fan who vowed to blow up WWE Head quarters because she was released...
and then still asked WWE for event tickets during the court case. WWE
then missed the opportunity to exploit this unique superfan via their
always informative "DID YOU KNOW?" Campaign:
Blade Braxton: TNA tried
their best to be AC/DC on Mondays. Sadly, the WWE did a damn good job
channeling German metal group Accept and smashed their "Balls To
Derek Burgan: Was it
testicular fortitude or just plain stupidity for TNA to go to Monday Night
and compete head-to-head against Raw? Everyone in the world was telling
them to go 8-10 and get the jump on Raw, but instead they went 9-11 and
competed directly. They got their asses handed to them on a silver platter,
and were sent back to Thursday not unlike the Spirit Squad sent back to
OVW in a box, but they did show some guts (just no brains) by taking on
the behemoth of Raw on WWE's home turf.
Joe Merrick: Monday
Night Impact distinguishes the fine line between Ballsy and Retarded.
I really can't give that company any credit these days. Saying that, I'm
gonna go for Tara just so I can look like I know what a bursa sac is.
Cameron Burge: The Mickie
Bomber. Doing what we’ve all wanted to do for years by scaring the wrath
of God into WWE with idle threats. Probably could have chosen a better
reason though, like maybe getting revenge for the firing of Stevie Richards
over Funaki. I have to wonder what was going through the guy’s head and
if he was even really that seriously into Mickie James (get it? Into?)
in the first place. Maybe he just thought he would do it for the lulz
and forgot that we invented caller ID around twenty years ago. Perhaps
he should have used a pay phone, it worked for the chick who threatened
to blow up my Mother’s school every day…except it didn’t. TNA should totally
sign this guy to a contract, like they do everything that’s been cast
off by the WWE. I bet he could bring something really big to the company
(here’s a hint: it’s a bomb).
Esben Evans: I could
say TNA for choosing to go head to head with WWE...but I don’t think you
can call a retard ballsy when it just doesn’t know any better. Daniel
Bryan for choking Justin Roberts the fuck out, or at least for making
it look that way in a PG WWE landscape...I’m sorry but that image alone
made my year...right after him punting the fuck out of John Cena’s head!
YEAAAAH!...yeah, It was a slow year for ballsy-ness...
Canadian Bacon: I never
saw any of their testicles so I can't really say.
Anthony Dean: Definitely
the former Victoria finishing that cage match. Frankly I'm amazed when
anybody in TNA shows they give any amount of a fuck anymore, and that
showed a disgusting amount of dedication to her craft, her career, and
the company she works for. Expect her to be released within two-three
months to free up funds for Kevin Nash's inevitable return, who will promptly
blow out both quads while standing in the background during a backstage
skit. Honorable mention to Tommy Dreamer, who throughout the EV2.0 angle
proved once again that he is the best in the business at getting paid
for getting just completely fucked up. And don't send me any disgusting
Necro Butcher pictures, you know what I mean.
The Sixth Child: Tara
continuing her cage match against Mickie James despite tearing a ligament
in her elbow. It just goes to show you don’t need actual balls to win
this award. And Lisa Marie Varon, I want your babies. But as you can probably
tell they won’t turn out to be biology majors.
25.) PLUMMETING FASTER
THAN A FAT GIRL OFF A CLIFF. (Award for the fastest fall from grace in
wrestling. The wrestler chosen must signify a real plunge in quality,
effort or company push in just one year's time.)
Nominees: MVP, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Jay Lethal, Kaval, Desmond
Wolfe, Jack Swagger, Rob Van Dam, Eric Young, Abyss, the entire TNA Knockouts
division, John Morrison, Edge, Straight Edge Society.
Sean Carless: Scientifically
speaking, and speaking from experience after having tossed a few fat girls
off cliffs in my day, I'm sad to say that in the hands of gravity, everyone
falls at the same speed, even the comically obese.
With that in mind, my choice is Samoa Joe, a man kidnapped by Ninjas and
then jobbed out to what appeared to be Kenny Rogers at Bound for Glory.
And if you believe the Internet (and when have they ever exaggerated?),
it was all allegedly for being fat, despite Samuel L. Jackson clearly
explaining how this cannot possibly be his fault in Pulp Fiction. Poor
Joe. Instead of just sending him to the Biggest Loser, they just booked
him that way.
Hopefully, in 2011, now that he's re-signed, Joe can find that 2005 push
again; a time when he had the world at his feet - feet strangely covered
with shoes, unlike the 3000 other Samoans in wrestling. And who knows?
Maybe, now that he is allegedly TNA bound, Joe will run into fellow demoted
fatso, Matt Hardy, who like him is also looking for that same sweet 2005
rebirth as well. I'm all for it. Samoa Joe and Somas Matt. A team we can
all believe in. (Lardy Boys? Matt Fats? Samoan Twat Team? Twist of Fat?
Fired Island? There are no bad choices. Or good.)
Blade Braxton: Isn't
time to rename this one after Jeff Hardy, or does it have to wait until
he's actually doing 5 - 10 while still holding a fed's main title belt?
Derek Burgan: You gotta
hand it to Serena. Given a gift wrapped great spot in the Straight Edge
Society, she proceeded to screw it completely the fuck up and found herself
without a job. She fell all the way back to SHIMMER, and that's a drop.
Jeff Hardy may get this one if he spends time in a jail cell in 2011.
Joe Merrick: Christ,
the Hardys are getting the shaft in these nominations. Morrison gets my
vote, he was tipped to be the next World champ, the next HBK, the next
legend in the making, and now he's second league next to Sheamus. I'm
almost sure Hornswoggle gets more screen time. Since when did the Irish
start doing the oppressing?
Cameron Burge: Hard
to say, really. I first want to go with Kaval, but being the hyped up
guy from NXT still is no big deal at all. It’s worse than having been
ECW champion (LOL Ezekiel Jackson, why wasn’t he nominated for the roid
award?). I think the Straight Edge Society is most deserving. Sudden injuries,
one member not being so straight edge by getting drunk, and being single
handedly crushed by a single man kind of left the Society looking like
a pile of shit. This is sad since they were coming off such a hot feud
with Rey Mysterio earlier in the year. Finally, the society was just swept
out with out so much as a mention and Punk was sent to Raw where he did
nothing but give Evan Bourne an excuse to be on the bench for his injury
he’d received. Punk being injured too finally ended the society completely.
But at least we got Punk as a temporary announcer and perhaps in 2011
he’ll be able to put the kick back in Nexus that it’s really been lacking
since its debut.
Esben Evans: Jack Swagger
had a largely forgettable World Title run, and then he just bombed into
midcard nothingness along with his Chavo bird. To be fair, before Wrestlemania
he was mainly in midcard nothingness, but I actually like the guy and
I thought he was pretty hard done by not being allowed to run properly
with the ball.
Canadian Bacon: MVP.
he should seriously think about changing his name to JOB because he loses
Andariel Halo: From
main eventing PPV's as the world champion, to barely appearing in a barely
coherent midcard storyline that was poorly defined, and once it reached
its conclusion, apparently completely forgot the entire basis for the
storyline, only to have the entire focus of it shift AWAY from him and
onto Tommy Dreamer; Rob Van Dam.
Anthony Dean: I will
never understand why Matt Hardy felt like he deserved to be world champion.
I barely understood why he had a job, but he at least always had that.
Where is he now? TNA? I'm honestly asking because I really do not know
if they decided to even bother with him. I could see TNA passing on him.
TNA. That's how far Matt Hardy has fallen.
"Great" Scott: Ted DiBiase.
This was a tough one, because tons of guys are falling fast on the WWE’s
depth chart while only a few are getting a chance to shine. I have to
go with DiBiase because he won the tag titles in his first match in WWE,
was part of one of the most hyped factions of the last two years, and
even starred in The Marine 2. (Yes, I know the movie was shit, but he
was still the star.) It seemed as if the sky was the limit when Legacy
finally broke up. Now, he’s jobbing to Goldust and R-Truth. I can’t even
remember the last time he won a match. Hell, when I can remember Santino’s
and Chavo’s last win, and I can’t remember yours…Ted, you’re getting buried.
If you would’ve told me that Cody Rhodes was going to be the one to get
a push, I’d tell you that you were off your rocker.
The Sixth Child: Jay
Lethal. When Hogan started calling the shots at TNA, he singled out Lethal
as one of the stars who was going to carry the company to the promise
land. His feud with Flair and several vignettes about his family and wrestling
background seemed to be grooming him for a top spot. But instead he’s
still stuck in the X Division, where his appearances have been reduced
to fist-pump competitions with Robbie E.
26.) THE BEST THING SINCE
INTERNET PORN. (Wrestler of the Year Award)
Nominees: John Cena, Randy Orton, The Miz, A.J. Styles, Rey Mysterio,
CM Punk, Batista, Kurt Angle.
Daniel Bryan. They may have turned him into a gay vegan virgin who doesn't
watch TV, (and who doesn't pay more than 5 dollars for a haircut) but
he's still the only guy who'll get this Sociopath to order a pay-per-view.
Sure, it's on someone else's TV, in a home I've looted, whilst trying
not to wake its owners, but damn it, his wrestling still compelled me
to take that chance/forget to kill them.
But hey, it was almost not to be. On the night of his seeming big break-out,
he strangled Ring Announcer Justin Roberts with his tie - an act that
saw him FIRED for the supposed Benoit-esque comparisons, apparently; and
all allegedly at the behest of either Linda's campaign or Mattel, or both
since they both back inanimate yet life-like depictions of actual human
beings. But then he came back, won the U.S. Title from Miz, and has since
erased all those silly Benoit connotations - if you ignore the fact that
he's a shorter, smallish guy, trained by wrestling royalty, who relies
on intensity and technical & submission skills to finally finish his opponents
with a cross-face. But other than that? NOTHING LIKE HIM. Man. Good thing
there's no JR around to mis-call him "Daniel Benoit". But hey, all kidding
aside, (I swear!), there's no real chance he'd murder his family, because
if you believe Cole, he doesn't even know enough to even snag a woman
in the first place, let alone marry her and murder her. But even if he
did? It'd just be the Bellas, most likely. And that's a sacrifice I'm
willing to make if it means more great wrestling.
Blade Braxton: I don't
care if he was retired for most of the year. HBK is one of the few guys
I still care about watching. I will pass on watching him shoot his load
on deer though.
Derek Burgan: He was
kept in extremely small doses, and that made Papa Briscoe just an amazing
thing to behold in 2010. Everything he touched was magic. Promos, training
videos, podcast interviews, and finally his match with his sons against
the Kings of Wrestling and Shane Hagadorn at Final Battle. Papa Briscoe
wasn't overexposed so you saw through everything, instead you just wanted
Joe Merrick: This greatly
surprises me, but I'm gonna go for the Miz. The guy has VASTLY improved,
and while I may not like him as champion, dude can wrestle and he may
very well make something of himself. But I guess that isn't funny so uh
JBL soapy butts.
Cameron Burge: The Miz.
He’s come a long way, but finally reached the top. I thought I would never
say that I really enjoy seeing him every week as there was a time when
his in ring abilities made me think he was practicing a form of torture
rather than actually wrestling. Now, he’s entertaining on the mic and
actually pretty good in the ring, especially when paired with someone
talented. Miz gave me my favorite raw moment of the year and has good
showings all throughout on a show that has been absolutely dominated by
John Cena despite Cena not even being champion most of the year. It’s
hard to believe that Miz has managed to shine through all this rubble
and really stand out, but you can hear even the marks begrudgingly join
in for the “I’m Awesome” call. I need to get me one of those name tag
t-shirts, I love that design, it’s clever. Overall, great year for Miz,
and hoping to see a lot more of him next year.
Esben Evans: This is
the point where I’ll write the two words I had never thought I would write
as a response to this category...ever...but my wrestler of the year is...The
Miz...yes, I said it...he was AAAAWESOOOOOME! (hehe, see it’s clever because
he calls himself awesome all the time, hehe). Stellar matches, stellar
promos, a nice feud with Daniel Bryan that culminated in a really good
match, and a nice sidekick in Alex Riley and of course it all culminated
in him winning the WWE Title. Nice one...only drawback is fucking Michael
Cole being the epitome of annoying whenever he’s there.
Canadian Bacon: Randy
Orton ...but Internet porn is still better. Although, they are kinda similar.
An oiled up man in his underwear, laying on his stomach primed to strike.
Only with his penis instead of an RKO/ punt. Although, I imagine if u
punted a girl she'd be out cold and thus you could cum inside her legit
and she'd never know, and by the time she woke up/got out of her coma,
you'd be far, far away and prolly cutting terrible promos that don't justify
your push. I don't remember what i was talking about.
Andariel Halo: John
Morrison is my internet porn.
Anthony Dean: CM Punk's
been pretty alright, but I think Orton's really done a lot more all year
than anyone else. Led the Legacy stable into, well, a wall, but he still
did it, damn it, all while somehow becoming a fan favorite despite doing
nothing differently, just remaining stoic and RKOing anyone who comes
near him. But he's done it well, and it's nice to have a top face other
than John Holy Shit STILL Cena. He pretty much killed it this year.
"Great" Scott: (Tie)
Daniel Bryan and Bryan Danielson. Yes, I know they’re the same person…please
don’t send me any e-mail about my “error.”
Really, though, was there any doubt? The only guy that would even come
close is Alberto Del Rio, and he’s a little too generic in the ring sometimes
(with the exception of a couple of cool spots he has) to compete with
Danielson. This guy single-handled made SummerSlam better than worthless
and definitely contributed to Survivor Series being better than average.
I’m just hoping they continue to give this guy a chance to succeed and
don’t give up on him like Kaval.
The Sixth Child: I’m
gonna have to go with the Miz. And no, don’t look at me like that.
In six years the Miz went from a Tough Enough runner-up to the WWE Heavyweight
Champ, and no-one saw it coming. As he said, AND I QUOTE: “If anyone ever
says you can’t do something, if anyone ever says you can’t live your dream...
believe them. You can’t! It takes an exceptional person to prove everyone
wrong and I did just that.” That’s actually the only decent bit of writing
I’ve seen on any WWE program in some time, and it came from a guy who
a few years ago couldn’t
even introduce Diva Search contestants. Over time Miz has built up
his mic work and in-ring prowess to become a worthy top-ranking contender.
He’s come a long way from being a wrestler I hated, to a wrestler I love
to hate. And it’s been a while since I’ve seen one of those.
Special mention goes to Chris Jericho (solely for cutting off Michael
Cole before he could launch into his “May I have your attention please”
bullshit), and Randy Orton for executing the two greatest in-ring moves
this year: his RKO to Evan Bourne in the middle of his shooting-star press,
and his RKO to Michael Cole... because he’s Michael Cole.
27.) MATCH OF THE YEAR
(Other than my ass and your face)
Nominees: Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles (Impact 1/4/10); Undertaker
vs. Shawn Michaels (Wrestlemania 26); Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer
Money (Whole F'N' Show); El Generico vs. Kevin Steen (Final Battle); CM
Punk vs. Rey Mysterio (Over the Limit); Smackdown Money in the Bank Match;
Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler (Bragging Rights); Daniel Bryan vs. The
Miz (Night of Champions); Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin vs. Kings
of Wrestling (Glory by Honor IX); ¡Peligro Abejas! vs. the Young
Bucks vs. the Cutlers (PWG Seven); Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson (Lockdown).
Sean Carless: Taker
vs. HBK. GREAT match, and maybe the first legitimate wrestling retirement
that'll actually stick that didn't involve a badly rigged zip-line. Both
men went out there and delivered two years in a row, and I suggest that
when it was over, even HBK started to question whether he was actually
backing the right long-haired dude with magic powers, known for returning
from the dead, after all.
Blade Braxton: Undertaker
vs. Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania 26. While this one lacked a Snuka family
member in Village People disquise, it still was enough to entertain me...and
make me thankful I'm not going bald like they are.
Derek Burgan: Hate doing
match of the year because every match at the end of the year just seems
so much more memorable than the beginning. Have to imagine that's why
so many "Oscar Hopefuls" put their movies out right at the end of 2010
so they are still fresh in the voter's mind in March. That said, I'm going
to take El Generico vs. Kevin Steen at ROH's Final Battle in a mask vs.
ROH career unsanctioned match. A capper to a year-plus long feud, it contained
everything that makes wrestling special. Two guys who don't have million
dollar company behind them, no toys, no 7-11 cups… and they tore the house
Joe Merrick: Ok well
I haven't seen any of these matches so I simulated them as best as I could
on Smackdown vs Raw 2011, so I'll give my view based on that. Can there
therefore be any doubt that CM Punk vs Mysterio was greatness encapsulated
into a mere 87 minutes? The unparalleled agility Mysterio displayed as
he walked around in a circle for half an hour, the inspired spot that
featured CM Punk slapping the Anaconda Vise 15 times in a row, each one
resulting in a rope break, and of course, the many, many, many, many reversals
that, while may have appeared to destroy any semblance of fun, simply
reminded us of an important truth, that there is no God.
Cameron Burge: Motor
City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money (Whole F’N’ Show). This was quite possibly
one of the best tag team matches of the last decade. If you haven’t seen
it, I implore you to go out and watch it, because you will not be disappointed.
It’s the kind of match that you can watch multiple times and enjoy. It
reminds you of the heyday of tag team when teams had synergy and weren’t
just two singles wrestlers slapped together like in the WWE today. It’s
a shining example of where TNA’s strong points lie and that it is certainly
not in its Heavyweight division. I can’t really begin to describe all
the good things about this match, just go out and watch it. You will thank
yourself for it, because I was glad I did.
Esben Evans: Shawn Michaels
Vs The Undertaker. For me this was a match with an impeccable build-up
(that for me spanned 2 years since HBK “retired” Ric Flair) and a great
execution. The match itself wasn’t as good as the one from last year,
but the story was awesome.
Canadian Bacon: Giant
Gonzalez vs. Undertaker, LEGIT. This time he wound up in a casket after
the Rest in Peace match, after all!!11
Andariel Halo: MY ASS
AND YOUR FACE! I mean, YOUR FACE AND MY ASS, WUTS UP?! Honestly, it would
have to be that six man tag match from LPWT Wrestling Northern, with Jose
Fuentes and Katu Matsumoto and Alan Smithee vs The Glorious Thunderheaded
Wolves and Derick Evan. You know, the hot indy show where a whole 8 people
were in attendance and was sold on DVD+R through that obscure wrestling
website on Geocities? All the REAL smarks know that shit and know it's
over 9000 times better than anything ROH has.
And yes, I did just use a stupid Joe Dirt reference in the beginning.
Wut's up, bitch.
Anthony Dean: I really
liked that MCMG/BM match, but can the GUNZ really not get a pinfall without
doing that one double team move? Fuck if I know what it's called, but
if you've seen any of their matches you know exactly what I'm talking
about. The whole point of a 2/3 Falls match is for the competitors to
go above and beyond what they normally do, and while it was a great match
I think it was definitely anticlimactic seeing them get both wins from
the same fucking finishing sequence that they always do always anyway.
I will note that I didn't see any of that shit from those random bitch
companies or Ziggler-Bryan, so I guess it comes down to either pick a
real popular match that everyone else liked and is gonna ramble about,
or just say some random one I remember. And you know what? Fuck you, I
liked an Elimination Chamber match. That's right. The Smackdown one, too,
with Taker and Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio and John Morrison and most
notably CM Punk, whose in-match promo sealed that match in my memory,
but everyone looked like a fucking star. I can't wait for Morrison to
hit his peak. Great match. Also somebody else I can't remember was in
it. Ziggler? Whelp, I just looked it up. It was R-Truth. Of course it
"Great" Scott: (PPV)
Michaels vs. Undertaker (WM26); (Non-PPV) Carlito vs. Evan Bourne (Superstars,
February 4). As far as the Michaels/Undertaker match, there’s no way you
can doubt that the match was a classic. The buildup was awesome; the psychology
was awesome; and (even though the outcome was pretty much a given) the
tension and the performances in the match were pretty awesome. The match
was especially good considering some of the sub-par matches on the show.
As far as the non-PPV award, I felt as though an “underdog” needed to
win an award, so I went through a lot of my old recaps to the highest
rated match I watched on Superstars, RAW, or SmackDown. I gave the Carlito/Bourne
match five stars, so I went and watched it again on Hulu. It still holds
up really well, especially considering both of these guys had to know
they were going nowhere with the company. You can watch it HERE.
The Sixth Child: My
ass and your... oh fuck off.
Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 26 (see #32).
28.) THE BENNIFER/TOMKAT
AWARD (Worst match of the year)
Nominees: A.J. Styles vs. Abyss (Destination X); Bret Hart vs.
Vince McMahon (Wrestlemania); Hall and Waltman vs. Nash and Young (not
[Destination X]; Bret Hart vs. Technical equipment; Kaitlyn vs. Maxine;
Samoa Joe vs. Gunner and Murphy; JTG vs. Shad Gaspard (Extreme Rules);
Divas' Match (Wrestlemania); Team 3D vs. The Nasty Boyz (any); TNA Steel
Asylum Match (Impact, 1/4/10).
Sean Carless: Bret vs.
Vince, for reasons already mentioned. It was like watching what appeared
to be a Lesbian golfer beating a crying grandfather to death with a chair,
while a series of Middle-aged people dressed for a cocktail party watched
on and clapped. And I've already seen enough of those to last a lifetime.
Blade Braxton: Worst
match of the year? The one which started the pyro that caught the Undertaker
Derek Burgan: Bret Hart
vs. Vince Mcmahon at WrestleMania because They Knew Better.
Joe Merrick: JTG vs
Shad, because the faggot on the other end signed out of Xbox Live halfway
Cameron Burge: There
was a Diva match at Wrestlemania? TNA put on a lot of crap this year,
but I don’t think anything compares to what we saw in the Bret Hart/Vince
McMahon match. Just what on earth was that? Was it a wrestling match?
There certainly wasn’t any of that. Was it a street fight? I think so…kind
of? Really it was more of an awkward stumbling about by two men who have
no business being out there anymore. It was a stretch of the imagination
that it could work and it really didn’t. The Harts coming to the rescue
was obviously just there to mask the trainwreck that was unfolding before
our eyes. I don’t recall the match being very long, but I may or may not
have passed out during it, so I’m not sure. All I know is, I’m glad that
it’s over and we will never have to see it again…I pray to God that statement
never comes back to bite me in the ass.
Esben Evans: Bret Hart
Vs Vince McMahon. I had no qualms with Hart beating up McMahon...but it
took FOREVER...it was the biggest feud of the past 13 years, it was real
life animosity, and I was bored out of my skull...THAT is a bad match.
Canadian Bacon: Hall
& Oates vs. Nash & Young at Destination X. And shouldn't they call Destination
X, Destination O, since Orlando is always the destination, anyway? Why
the unnecessary mystery?!
Andariel Halo: Abyss
vs Shannon Moore in a casket match. Winner by disqualification: Abyss?
Anthony Dean: I have
no idea who Gunner and Murphy are but I have seen them nominated for so
many categories so I'm going to pick them just because they sound like
they must be fucking up.
"Great" Scott: Edge
and Kane at Survivor Series. Yes, there were many, many matches that were
worse than this (Vickie vs. Kaitlyn, anyone?), but I don’t think any match
got the hype and television time that this one did, only to complete suck
AND have one of the worst endings I’ve ever seen (A TIE!?!? Whaddahell?!?!).
I don’t expect five-star classics out of Kane, but this match was barely
watchable, and it was on a “big four” PPV.
The Sixth Child: Hornswaggle
vs. Swaggie the Soaring Eagle. In keeping with the whole “Looney Tunes”
vibe, it was the perfect time to drop a massive anvil on the two so they
can both fuck off and die.
29.) BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT
SINCE FAKE TITTIES WERE INVENTED (Most improved wrestler of the year,
for whatever reason.)
Nominees: Wade Barrett, Daniel Bryan, Alberto Del Rio, The Miz,
Dolph Ziggler, Doug Williams, Sheamus.
Sean Carless: Alberto
Del Rio. Usually, when a Mexican takes off his mask, bad things come their
way (like getting ID'd by the police). But Alberto is the exception to
that rule. Instead, he is now the latest in a long line of proud multi-millionaires
who not only always know how to wrestle, but somehow want to. Doesn't
anyone find this odd? Why would the affluent have the sudden urge to take
up pro graps? To leave the board room, take off their pants and dropkick?
And got to love how poor Del Rio's Mexican heritage still cancels
out his vast wealth, regardless. Motherfucker drives his own limo, for
Christ's sake. I wonder if his indoor swimming pool has empty dinghy's
and inner-tubes floating in it for further culture confusion?
Runner up: Miz; who was already pretty awesome last year. Pun intended.
This acknowledgement, however, is just given for that final hurdle to
the WWE Title - A hurdle only accomplished once he took his pants off.
And what's up with that? Haven't you ever noticed that the more clothes
a dude sheds in WWE, the closer he actually gets to the Main Event?
If Miz is full-on free-balling it by Mania, he just may never lose that
Blade Braxton: I'll
say Miz, as he's gone from THAT MOTHER FUCKER FROM MTV WHO I WISH WOULD
DIE to...simply a guy who makes me just change the channel.
Derek Burgan: Have to
hand it to The Miz. I was right in line with JBL thinking this guy had
nothing to offer wrestling and I have to admit that I Was Wrong. Miz has
been wonderful in 2010 and looking forward to what he brings to the table
in 2011. He brought is the Angry Miz Girl, and that alone pushes him to
the next level.
Joe Merrick: Toss-up
between Sheamus and Miz. Both guys need to prove themselves a bit more
in my eyes, and they've been given world title runs WAY too early, but
hopefully that doesn't mean they've peaked. Gives a fuck though, really.
Cameron Burge: The Miz
made most of his improvements last year. No, I believe Sheamus wins this
award. He went from clown shoes fuck-up to legitimate heel in the span
of a year. That’s pretty impressive. He’s still not that great in the
ring (though getting better every week). I attribute this to necessity.
The incredibly sudden sky-rocketing of him into the Main Event was a shock
to everyone and he was very undeserving of the opportunity, but he made
the best of it. It worked for what it was, and his microphone skills carried
him further than his in ring talent did. Thankfully, he’s managed to build
a move set and some interesting matches along the way. I’m curious to
see where he’ll be going with the King Sheamus bit. He had his best match
of the year by far with Randy Orton just this last week on Raw. It was
actually a very good showing by both men. Hats off to Sheamus. Way to
Esben Evans: The Miz.
He has improved so much that he became my Wrestler of the Year, and he
keeps on getting better and perfecting his personality and in ring abilities.
A year ago, everyone absolutely shat all over The Miz teaching Daniel
Bryan, because he was so inferior. But he has successfully shortened the
gap to a point where I would say The Miz isn’t that far after anymore...and
Daniel Bryan is fucking awesome.
Canadian Bacon: These
guys have fake titties? I don't think I understand the question and how
that'd improve anything. If anything I'm already disturbed enough by their
tiny underwear/ how aroused they make me.
Andariel Halo: Daniel
Bryan. I'm not just saying that solely because he remarked on his shitty
generic theme music one week, then came back next week with theme music
so ridiculously buffoonishly over the top, it was EPIC WIN in all ways.
I'm saying it because of that, plus he won a championship.
Anthony Dean: I literally
cannot believe the strides Miz has made since first debuting. Since jobbing
to Tatanka week in and week out and being booed universally by everybody
because he was just so downright terrible. Since hosting the Diva Search,
and that's really all that needs mentioning there, who else ever could
have recovered from that. Since winning the vote over legitimate contenders
at one of those Taboo Tuesday things to face the ECW Champion after being
sent to ECW to die, JUST because he was so terrible and it was so hilarious
to vote for him, and you just knew that was why at the time, too. Since
forming one half of the best tag teams in the WWE in the last ten years
with John Morrison and being hilarious on the Dirt Sheet, the ONLY WWE
web show I've ever watched, let alone watched regularly, only to be labeled
by everyone as the Marty Jannetty of the team. Since shedding his tag
team partner, his funny guy demeanor, and his pants, and saying he was
going to become a legitimate player. And doing all of it so seamlessly
and naturally. I can't believe how well he plays his character on the
mic and in the ring. The epitome of growing by leaps and bounds. A+++.
That is all.
"Great" Scott: Sheamus.
According to spell check, “titties” isn’t a real word. Come on, Microsoft,
As far as my pick here…keep in mind that this isn’t BEST wrestler. Sheamus
definitely isn’t the best in any performance category, but he’s different.
People make fun of his pasty skin, but you’ve got to admit, it sets him
apart from the sea of orange-skinned wrestlers that he faces on a weekly
basis. During the past year, he’s grown a persona (that of a bully who
backs down when threatened), he’s expanded his move set, and he’s had
a great series of matches with John Morrison. Overall, this guy might
not be the next Vader, but he definitely won’t be a Warlord or Berserker,
The Sixth Child: The
Miz (see #26).
Special mention goes to Doug Williams (who has probably the best finishing
move in wrestling today) and Randy Orton (his “viper” character has really
developed well over the past couple of years, and has become a convincing
30.) I'D BUY IT... IF I
COULDN'T STEAL IT (PPV of the Year)
Nominees: WWE Wrestlemania 26, WWE Money in the Bank, TNA Lockdown,
UFC 116, ROH Final Battle, ROH Death Before Dishonor VIII, WWE Royal Rumble,
TNA No Surrender, ROH Glory By Honor IX, PWG Seven.
Sean Carless: That one
WWE gimmick pay-per-view that no one ordered, that Vince then blamed the
economy for, despite UFC still getting the same exact buyrates. I'll never
forget that one. Or apparently remember it. I think it had Cena or maybe
Orton fighting that one new heel they pushed. Some guy from somewhere
in and around the U.K., I think. Tall kid? Distinct accent? Ya, that
guy. What a year.
1st runner up: HORNY, WITH A CHANCE OF MY BALLS. Some pornos don't
deliver what they promise in the title. This was the exception. Unfortunately.
2nd Runner up to avoid hate-mail: WRESTLEMANIA 26. The Grand-Daddy of
them all. Although, as I once mentioned, Starrcade also made this same
bold claim at one time. Who planted their seed first? Find out on the
Blade Braxton: Wrestling
has raped my wallet so much the last 20 years, I feel like the chick from
I Spit On Your Grave if she wandered onto the set of Last House On The
Left. That being said, for money and sanity reasons, I only watched one
WWE PPV this year, the granddaddy of them all, WrestleMania. Granddaddy
needed Depends that night.
Derek Burgan: If PWG
Seven can be included here, then it's my choice. Otherwise you have to
go with offerings from DGUSA and ROH. Good price, great matches. If anything
they over deliver, and that's something that none of the releases from
WWE or TNA can say this year.
Joe Merrick: Out of
principle I'm not gonna pick one for this category until WWE stops renaming
their fucking PPVs after names of matches. What next, 'Don't miss YOUR
CHANCE to book tickets for WWE Singles!'
Cameron Burge: Money
in the Bank. What a weird PPV. It’s odd to think we had three MitB matches
this year. I can only assume there won’t be one at Wrestlemania now if
they continue to do this yearly. Both matches were great, Smackdown’s
was especially so. The rest of the card was pretty solid for cone which
is pretty rare in this day and age, but it was really worth watching just
for the ladders matches which was the big draw anyway. Nobody was tuning
in to see anything else or they were just kidding their selves. I can’t
comment on ROH as I’m not really a fan of the company, so maybe those
were better, but for WWE fans, Money in the Bank was the can’t miss PPV
of the year, outshining even the bigger name hostings this time around.
Hopefully Wrestlemania will be better this time around, here’s hoping.
Esben Evans: I’ve watched
Wrestlemania, Bragging Rights and Night of Champions...I think the last
one of them was probably the best one for me, but I can’t say if it was
PPV of the year, it at least had Daniel Bryan Vs The Miz...Bash at the
Beach ’96 was quite good too.
Andariel Halo: TNA Turning
Point 2010. I hear good things. Fun, fun, fun things.
Anthony Dean: I am tired
of remembering things and writing about them so the Royal Rumble cause
Edge won it and I mean how often does that happen. Edge winning the Rumble,
I mean. Once. One time ever. That's how often. And I'm not exaggerating,
"Great" Scott: The First
Half of the Survivor Series. This should be called the “Best of a Weak
Crop” award. My buddies and I watched all four of the “big four” WWE pay-per-views,
and this one was at least half good. Wrestlemania was a huge disappointment
(except for the MITB and Michaels/Undertaker matches), the Royal Rumble
was simply okay, and SummerSlam was horrible (except for the main event).
This match at least had three good matches and two watchable matches before
the horrendous main events (Kane/Edge and Barrett/Cen…err, sorry, Orton).
So, Survivor Series essentially wins because it sucked the least of the
four I watched.
The Sixth Child: Wrestlemania
26: mostly because it was the only PPV I actually ordered, and that was
for the main event (see #32).
31.) WENDY WHOPPERS "BEST
PAIR OF THE YEAR" (Best tag team)
Nominees: Motor City Machine Guns, Beer Money, Nexus, Danger
Bees!/¡Peligro Abejas!, Show-Miz, Hart Dynasty, Fourtune, Straight Edge
Sean Carless: Definitely
that one team in WWE who won the unified titles this year; that one team
that looked for all intents and purposes that they would *finally* be
the ones to restore prestige to the belts. You know, that team that had
a few successful title defenses on pay-per-view, only to be unceremoniously
and quickly broken up with no build and to no fanfare, wherein its members
then sort of never crossed paths again? But man, what a team, eh?
Blade Braxton: When
I watched WWE this year, I found that massive amounts of booze and painkillers
made the show more tolerable. Therefore, I find it ironic the Straight
Edge Society entertained me the most.
Derek Burgan: I want
to give it to Nexus for the great moments they had, but they also had
so many bad moments that it's hard to give them the nod. Straight Edge
Society was very good for what it was, but how much did they do? Motor
City Machineguns didn't have the highs of either group, but didn't have
the downs of Nexus or the "blahs" of Straight Edge Society at points,
so they get the win.
Joe Merrick: I have
absolutely no idea who the Danger Bees are but they win they win so hard.
Cameron Burge: This
was a good year for tag team enthusiasts. Lots of great tag team matches
and great tag teams. My pick is going to the Motor City Machine Guns and
Beer Money (tie). I can’t really pick between the two teams, but they
put on the absolute best matches this year (some better than others admittedly).
Honestly, every time these guys got in the ring, they were making a highlight
reel and it the effort they put into it really shows. I couldn’t really
think of giving this to anyone else other than the most entertaining tag
teams to step into the ring in the last few years. Now if maybe WWE could
actually get a tag team division they would have more than just one tag
team division match every few weeks or so. Remember when people actually
cared about tag team wrestling? TNA remembers…when it isn’t promoting
Esben Evans: I only
watch WWE and old WCW episodes at the moment...so...I don’t really feel
qualified to give a good answer...Show-Miz I guess...
Canadian Bacon: Fourtune,
who not only wrestled good this year but also taught me new math. 1+1+1+1+1
= 5, and 5 members minus basic math skills = FOURTUNE!!111
1st runner up is Nash & Young for the LULZ. Like they totally shoulda
been called Nash & Old because Nash is old and it'd be like a double meaning.
Andariel Halo: I would've
said "What tag teams?" but then I remember TNA still has some.
I would say Motor City Machine Guns, but they move so fast I can't tell
what they're doing so I can't judge if they're good or not.
Anthony Dean: Murder
Central Motor Guys, bar none. Fourtune? Fucking seriously? Fuck that.
"Great" Scott: (Tie)
The Colons and Santino Marella/Vladimir Kozlov. Most people probably don’t
remember the Colons even tagged up again…but there was an episode of Superstars
where Primo and Carlito were in a match and Carlito stopped things and
said that the two of them needed to stop jobbing (okay, I’m ad libbing)
and team up as heels. It was an awesome moment and I really thought it
was going to rejuvenate the tag team division. Unfortunately, this is
the WWE we’re talking about, and Carlito was given his walking papers
So, because the Colons aren’t a team anymore, I’ll give a second award
to the current “Comedy Team of the Year.” As I mentioned before, these
two aren’t The Road Warriors, but they’re more entertaining than most
of the teams of last five years.
The Sixth Child: The
Kozlov/Cobra Connection (aka - Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov). It
seems that you can put Santino with anyone and strike gold. While the
whole “wrestling’s odd couple” bit is older than Mae Young, this tag-team
has become all kinds of funny. The time Marella sang “We Are The Champions”
while a straight-faced Kozlov waved his lighter was hilarious. And Kozlov
getting his own chant when RAW was in Britain was one of the year’s most
Special mention goes to Generation Me. They’re like a leaner version of
the Hardy Boyz when they were starting out; as in their mic skills may
need work, but their in-ring abilities are fucking phenomenal.
32.) FULL-FRONTAL FEUDITY
(Feud of the Year)
Nominees: Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels, CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio,
Kurt Angle vs. Mr. Anderson, Nexus vs. RAW, Bubba the Love Sponge vs.
Awesome Kong, El Generico vs. Kevin Steen, John Cena vs. Batista, The
Miz vs. Daniel Bryan, John Cena vs. Nexus, Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio,
Matt Hardy vs. The last shreds of his sanity, MATTHEW HARDY vs. Lack of
Sean Carless: The People
vs. Jeff Hardy. The follow-up blow-off in the Cell should be incredible.
Blade Braxton: Awesome
Kong vs. Bubba the Love Sponge. There hasn't been this much bad blood
between two fat asses since I saw a huge argument break out over lukewarm
steak in a Golden Corral buffet line in 2006.
Derek Burgan: I'd love
to give this to "Matthew" Hardy as he did actually drive me to watch YouTube,
but I personally found much more satisfaction in the Awesome Kong/Bubba
the Love Sponge feud. Whether it was the breaking news on wrestling sites,
Bubba's explanation on his radio show, or Bubba's radio sneak attack on
Kong after the fact, I was gripped by this feud.
Joe Merrick: Bubba vs
Kong. Bubba manages to make some of my old rants look like nursery rhymes.
Just another piece of shit flung at a wall that typifies TNA.
Cameron Burge: Undertaker
vs. Shawn Michaels. Come on, you knew this was going to be on here. They
had my match of the year pick last time they mixed it up at Wrestlemania,
so the rematch had my attention from the word go. Michaels sold this feud
as if it were life or death and Taker come into it looking very strong
after his title reign. The build-up of Shawn desperately forcing Taker’s
hand to take on the match was gripping. It’s funny that a feud could be
consistent of just two matches, that were more than a year apart, and
yet here we are, and you didn’t even notice. They made you care who won
this match and actually get excited for the false finishes which is something
so rare these days. Yeah, everything about this feud was pure A quality
goodness. Shawn Michaels has now moved on to his other life-long feud,
that with mother nature whom he plans to shoot right in its doe-eyed face.
Esben Evans: Kane Vs
The Undertaker. Fuck it! I liked it! Yes, it was ridiculously one-sided,
but we all wait for Taker to come back and kick his ass at Wrestlemania.
Yes, the matches weren’t that stellar, but it was an awesome call back
to their first feud and it brought Paul Bearer back, which was awesome...well,
until Kane was portrayed like a pussy in the feud against Edge.
Canadian Bacon: Daniel
Bryan vs. JUSTICE. I know they say he got fired for strangling Justin
Roberts (RIP) to death with his tie, but i heard through my sources who've
never once talked to me (the dave Meltzer) that it was done to appease
the PETA people. You see, Danielson has been MUTILATING CATTLE for YEARS,
and WWE had to finally cover it up/ apologize to the country of India
since cows are like gods there. It's also the true legit reason why you
haven't seen Great Khali since Bryan came back. He's still offended/terrible.
Andariel Halo: Jeff
Hardy vs Moore County, North Carolina. It's so epic, it started LAST year,
and it's STILL GOING STRONG!
Anthony Dean: I liked
Edge-Orton and thought that could've gone on longer, and CM Punk-Rey Mysterio
was alright, pretty long, the SES was kind of stupid but Punk definitely
strengthened it just by being Punk, but it seems like a pretty weak feud
of the year. I pick the ongoing real life feud between Kurt Angle and
Jeff Jarrett, which has been simmering at a low burn ever since Jarrett
married the former Karen Angle earlier this year, and that's hilarious.
"Great" Scott: Kaitlyn
vs. Vickie Guerrero…Just Kidding…Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio. This
feud has been really good over the last few months (the Del Rio/Mysterio
one, not the other one). It’s a perfect blend of everything that makes
feuds good (mean/nice, modesty/arrogance, loves the fans/hates the fans,
rich folks/common folks, can get on rides at Disney World/can’t get on
rides at Disney World). These two have put on some pretty good shows,
even their non-PPV matches have bee good (capped off by a really good
tag match last week on SmackDown). These two really compliment each other,
and I hope this is enough evidence that Del Rio deserves a push at a major
title in the near future.
The Sixth Child: Shawn
Michaels vs. The Undertaker. It was epic in every sense of the word; two
of the greatest wrestlers to ever grace the ring, in a battle that was
built on honour and respect, rather than all-out hatred. Its slow build-up
alone made it more unique than anything else going round throughout the
year, resulting in two brilliant Wrestlemania matches. The theatrics of
their WM25 encounter alone were phenomenal, and while WM26 wasn’t quite
as good, the stakes were high enough to ensure it would stick in people’s
minds forever. It was wrestling in its best and purest form. Now it’s
just a matter of time before HBK ruins it by eventually returning to the
ring ala Ric Flair.
33.) "LIKE SCROTUM, HERE
IT IS IN A NUTSHELL" (Single defining moment of 2010, good or bad)
Nominees: Shane McMahon leaves WWE; Bret Hart returns to WWE;
Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels bury the hatchet; Worst WWE tag team division
in history; Tag team wrestling outside of WWE enjoys a great year regardless;
ECW surely and truly dies; The fan favorite winner of NXT2 is jobbed out
and released; WWE shits all over their own huge, game-changing storyline
(CeNexus); Shawn Michaels retires; Hogan and Bischoff "help"
TNA cement their status as WCW 2.0; WWE programming suffers as a result
of Linda McMahon's Senatorial campaign; WWE and TNA prove that misogyny
is alive and well in the wrestling world; The Nexus shit-stomps Monday
Sean Carless: STAND
UP FOR WWE.
Or Don't. Whichever.
Blade Braxton: In a
nutshell, it was the last unfinished storyline that long time fans of
wrestling had to look forward to. At the end of the botched Bret Hart
vs. Vince McMahon storyline, I'm convinced there's not much left for me.
Time to send my love for mainstream American wrestling out for a joyride
on a motorcycle without a helmet.
Derek Burgan: Nexus
tearing down Raw was one of the only moments in years where I was actually
telling my non-wrestling friends (who used to like wrestling) that Something
Cool Actually Happened. Should have known it would have fizzled out, but
man, what a start.
Joe Merrick: Bischoff
and Hogan. It says everything you need to know about the industry. No-one,
even the ones fully involved with years of experience, learns a damn thing
in wrestling. The mainstream landscape is formed by two companies who
are basically doing the exact same thing: sacrificing entertainment and
talent, WWE with its PG attitude, and TNA with its desperate attempt at
being something it's not. WWE is more forgivable as at the very least
it's making a reasonable business decision. TNA loses points for not taking
advantage of a golden opportunity here. WWE is now lacking appeal for
a big demographic because it's catering more towards kids, and instead
of pushing itself to appeal to this demographic with awesome matches and
intriguing angles, TNA decides to cling to the past in a huge way. This
is what defines 2010 because it shows how little progression has really
been made. Other than that, Nexus assraping Raw was pretty rad.
Cameron Burge: I just
want to say I do not approve of the IWC love for Nexus. I feel like it’s
based entirely around liking them because they Cena lovers hate them,
which is fucking dumb. Anyway, the year as defined in a nutshell…There
were so many defining moments of the year. Shane leaving really jumps
out but two things in particular defined this year, so I’ll tie it between
them (I did that a lot this year). First, Hogan and Bischoff declare WCW
2.0 to the horrified masses. What most specifically angers me about this
is that Hogan gave a promo recently in which he buried the entire wrestling
business in a “shoot” promo that insulted Team 3D (you know…a top draw
of your brand), but saying nobody cared how many fake titles they won.
He said Raven doesn’t draw which is why he’s fired. He said a lot of things
that just made the business look BAD. I mean really bad. It was so late-era
WCW that it was frightening. Why couldn’t we have early 90’s WCW instead?
The other thing is Shawn Michaels’ retirement. Nobody thought he was really
retiring until he did. It really showed that wrestling now belong to the
new generation, the Ortons, Zigglers, and CM Punks of the world. It’s
their show now and we have to adjust to that. So let’s see how it goes
with a fresh new year. Bring on 2011 (I’m scared).
Esben Evans: For me
it was when NXT invaded Raw. I didn’t see it live, but I read the headline
the day after and I immediately scrambled to find the clip, and it was
awesome. But even better it made me feel like I did just when I began
to watch wrestling. It was sweet...it never really recaptured that afterwards,
Canadian Bacon: WWE
is PG!!!111 I haven't been able to watch a single show in over a year
since my Mom won't ever agree to accompany me. Thanks A LOT, WWE. I've
prolly missed a lot of memories indelibly etched into the anals of time.
(which i imagine is at least a nice, warm, dark place to store them.)
Andariel Halo: For me,
it would be this:
You could say it is emblematic of the dramatic shift in character undergone
by one of the mainstays, whether you like it or not, of the WWE scene,
former play-by-play commentator Michael Cole. His previously drab, dry,
unlikeable countenance as the play-by-play received a sudden infusion
of ATTITUDE with the likes of Daniel Bryan and NXT season 3. It's something
we haven't seen in YEARS of the WWE, a commentator with personality that
is boistrous, and controversial---loads of people hate him, and loads
of people happily declare themselves "Cole Miners".
Or you could say it's a guy banging on a gong and saying the show sucks.
Anthony Dean: I think
John Cena utterly destroying Wade Barrett at TLC was pretty symbolic,
with Cena representing the old guard, the face you just know you're going
to be seeing for years and years to come, and Wade Barrett representing
the young wrestlers who will try to rise up and prove themselves and take
the spots of the old guard by force, and all the chairs Cena dumped on
the thoroughly defeated Barrett representing the harshness of the struggle
and the punishment he and all who he represents will have to endure, and
in the end turn up pretty much emptyhanded, failing to succeed the old
guard, and the lack of interference representing that there is nothing
anyone can do to change or stop anything. There's nothing you or anyone
can do to stop an avalanche of chairs. You just can't do it.
"Great" Scott: (Tie)
Daniel Bryan Returns and Cena’s Fired…Not Really. I picked these two events
because they help to define WWE’s success and failure as succinctly as
possible. On one hand, you have the WWE doing what it’s fans are begging
them to do: bringing a back an “Internet darling” because he’s wildly
popular with the “smart crowd.” The results were mind boggling. If you
haven’t seen SumerSlam, find it and watch the main event. I’m sure if
it’s a WWE version, they’ll have toned down the cheering, but the crowd
went BANANAS when Daniel Bryan was announced as the final team member.
On the opposite hand, you have the dickless version of the WWE, the one
that thinks it can’t succeed if John Cena isn’t on EVERY POSSIBLE EPISODE
OF PROGRAMMING. I thought it was a pretty bold move to have him “do what
was right,” and make the count on Wade Barrett, but they didn’t even keep
Cena off WWE programming for ONE DAMN NIGHT! Now that Nexus isn’t around,
Cena’s going to be killing the credibility of guys like Dolph Ziggler
until he can get back into a title picture and inevitably win before WrestleMania.
It’s a shame that WWE can’t let the Daniel Bryans and Alberto Del Rios
have some fun for a while…but that’s why they’ll never be as successful
as they were during the “Attitude Era.”
The Sixth Child: Bret
Hart returns to WWE. It was a moment we thought would never happen, but
2010 started with a bang as the Hitman appeared on WWE TV for the first
time in 13 years. It was genuinely exciting at first, but by the time
his contract expired in November (following a woeful Wrestlemania appearance
and multiple screw-ups on the mic) I was sick to fucking death of it.
While I’m happy Bret Hart has reached some kind of peace with the WWE
as a result, it signifies the slaughtering of the company’s biggest sacred
cow. There was always a little bit of excitement whenever someone mentioned
Hart’s name or the Montreal Screwjob, because it was a legitimate landmark
moment in wrestling history. But now that it’s been resolved, WWE has
no more trump cards to play. The only options they have now are to create
new stars and map out the next era for WWE. But since that actually requires
effort and direction, we know that shit ain’t gonna happen.
34) PHOTOSHOP OF THE YEAR:
Almost every year, TWF is responsible for more wrestling themed
photoshops than ANY Wrestling website in the known galaxy and quadrant
-- photoshops then subsequently stolen and used by your fat ass on
some random message board somewhere, and then subsequently passed
off as your own creation. But, regardless of your cuntery, it's
still time to honor the best of the worst of those 'shops! Some people
might say that the time & effort put into creating hundreds of images
of Vince McMahon being raped by panda bears could be better used; to like
say, stop cancer (not HHH), but hey, what fun is that? And besides, just
because we can make it look like Stephanie McMahon gave birth to a fully
grown & dressed Randy Savage doesn't mean we should be trusted
with manipulating cells and trying to cure disease. WE MAKE PICTURES.
WE'RE NOT SCIENTISTS! That said, 10 of the best TWF 'Shops are nominated
below , but only one could win the prestigious and coveted Goose-Egg
-An Award so vaunted and valuable that it's PRICELESS... mostly because
no soul on earth would pay for it, and it's worth absolutely nothing.
Quick & Dirty: Who was the best TWF writer in 2010? Or should
we say, WHO WAS THE ONLY WRITER in 2010? Remember when we had more than
4 people? Dear Christ.
Nominees: Everyone on Staff who's contributed
at least 5 regular columns in the 2010 calendar year.
Winner: Ok, Ok, I'm calling an audible here. I could have gone through
the rigmarole of an actual vote, but fuck you; that'd have just been a
reminder of how lazy we've fucking been this year, and how many people
we've lost by proxy of it. Instead, I've decided to award a man, whom
regardless of circumstance, weather, and wrestlers annihilating
their family, continued to deliver, week-in and week-out; a man
who maybe took 2 nights off in 6 YEARS of recapping; and a man, WHO ACTUALLY
SUBMITS HIS REVIEWS LIKE THE NIGHT OF THE SHOW. (hint, hint). You
know I have to be talking about CAMERON BURGE - THE HARDEST WORKING MAN
IN TWF HISTORY. So, soak it up, bro. You've earned it. Ok,
now give me back that plaque. We only have one and you're kind of a placeholder
until I get it again. (I keed).
Ok, that's it for 2010. THANK GOD. Now pass me that clicker from
that Sandler movie. I want to forget this shit ever happened. 2011, HERE
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