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Welcome to the 
78th 
ANNUAL FANNY AWARDS! The Fanny Awards are not a collection of Awards celebrating "ass" (although we understand that Vince McMahon would probably prefer that it was) but rather the patented tasteless Year-End Awards that only The Wrestling Fan.com can provide. We actually have no idea if anyone else can provide them, but damn it, it sounded like a great boast so we went with it. Anyway, these Awards are not you regular "year-end" fare, as we choose to forsake traditional serious opinions in favor of...pretty much making fun of everything we can. We're silly like that. And oh ya, chances are you'll probably be offended. It contains foul language, sexual situations, and humor that will deeply disturb many. And if they don't? Well, good for you! You'll fit in perfectly around here. To everyone else though, you can access our complaint department by clicking the large red X in the top right corner of the screen. 
 
SPECIAL NOTE BY SEAN CARLESS: Hey, there! Just so you know, this is the ghetto version of our usual year-end spectacular, due to many unforseen hiccups, not just limited to me being run over by a Soccer Mom in a Blockbuster parking lot. Seriously. One minute I was admiring my discounted copy of Dexter Season 2, then BAM (not Neeley, or Bigelow) I'm smucked by Super Mom, fast on her way to taking the kids to some bullshit useless after-school activity. So, ya, I'm all kinds of fucked up, and medicated to the gills. It's true! The medical marijuana is flying, as is the medical Labatt's Blue I just washed it down with. It took everything I had to remain conscious enough to write my submissions and format this motherfucker; so if there's any glaring errors, umm, fuck you? Seriously.
 
So be warned! My answers will be reflecting this insane, lazy, hazy drug-induced state of pain, my friends! But hey, there's more. Several members of the Staff thought this would be a "neat" time to no-show. THAT'S JUST AWESOME. So, yay! Here we are. A Fanny Awards more tragedy-plagued than Apocalypse Now and the Twlight Zone movie put together. Some might say this is my karma for being an asshole. But hey, fuck those people. Let's get to it! I'm going to go sleep now. Forever.
 
1)THE FALSE FINISH. This is the award that honors one star, saying "I can't fucking believe he/she lived another year."
Nominees: Jake Roberts, Kurt Angle, Jeff Hardy, Canadian Bacon, Mae Young, Scott Hall, Lex Luger,
 
SEAN CARLESS:
Jeff Jarrett! I mean, come on, totally seriously! Kurt Angle said he's going to turn Jeff's children into orphans! And if this was the 1920's, I'm sure that'd be kind of a bad deal. Today? Well, it's just an excuse to *finally* live in a home where your guitar lessons don't end with you unconscious surrounded by shards of wood and powder. So, yes, that's my pick. Normally, I'd go with Scott Hall or Jake the Trouser-Snake Roberts and his pantsless penile pied piper routine-- as evidence of impending demise-- but if history has taught me anything--other than the fact that it always seems to happen in the past-- it's that the people that you EXPECT to die are never the one's that do. That, and it turns out Jake Roberts and Scott Hall were actually born off the shores of Scotland in the latter 1600's, and secretly carry broad-swords in their carry-all.
 
Now, if not Hall or Jake, then who? I guess, I could *maybe* pick Jeff Hardy; because you know, when the company you work for creates an angle ahead of time, where they exploit how you will likely end up dying anyway, then maybe we too should see the writing on the wall. You know, like the lyric in his song. Only intelligible and ungay. I mean, seriously, the guy's trailer burned down! What more could you want? A fire extinguisher to put out 300 dayglo wifebeater t-shirts, a dog, and a few dozen cut-up leg warmer arm bands? Man. Who'd have thunk that a guy once hooked on Meth would have so many flammables in his home? What a head scratcher. 
 
But still, Jeff survived it all, and even won the WWE Title! So, he's off my list, too. Besides, he already crawled out of one hole already, so I have faith in him and his sweet living abilities.  His promo abilities? Not so much. 
 
So, *officially* I'm sticking with Jeff Jarrett. So, beware! Kurt Angle always comes through on his promises! Bar sobriety! Although, secretly, I suspect he's probably just going to pin Jarrett instead of murdering him. Which will still be kind of awkward for everybody. So much for that 2nd "I"....
 
Kurt: "Remember when I said I'd kill you and leave your children to be raised in foster care? Ya, I *really* just meant I'd suplex you a few times and maybe lay on top of you for 3 seconds. Sorry about the confusion."
 
So, yes, Jarrett needs to be watching over his shoulder. And not just for homosexuals drawn to his wardrobe like a beacon. Oh, and he better take out a good life insurance policy! The cost of his tombstone alone will be in the tens of thousands. (You try finding a 100 foot wide headstone because everything on it is phonetically spelled.).
 
Ok, I'm done.
 
DEREK BURGAN: Ah, the Jake Roberts Memorial Award goes to Scott Hall, who somehow found new ways to embarrass himself throughout the year and is already promising to be an early candidate to take this award next year through his association with the Enabling Clown Posse. That is, he'll take the award if his body isn't found in a crumpled car on the side of the road of some Florida highway, which certainly wouldn't shock anyone at this point. I'm encouraged by the fact that Shieky Baby should probably not be in the running for The False Finish and is turning the corner from Out of Control to Semi-Controlled Work.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: Jake Roberts, whose year included making a good amount of impressionable children fear snakes forever after whipping out the one in his trousers at an indy show. Surprise, surprise. Oh, and overall being drunk off his ass drugged according to his assistant, Shannon, and getting jumped by an angry JT Lightning at the same show after wrestling such a piss-poor match. I should add that Jake claimed to have no memory of the event at some Boston radio show. That's why there's YouTube~! But seriously, someone fucking help Jake out already; I'm tired of seeing him nominated for this when the award should pretty much be handed over to Mae Young as a lifetime achievement.
 
ANTHONY DEAN:
Jeff Hardy, who in this year alone beefed up his already impressive deadpool odds by failing another wellness test, being barred entry onto a plane for being too drunk, and, oh yeah, accidentally burning down his trailer in the North Carolina woods. Jeff Hardy parted ways with the WWE in 2003 because they demanded he go to rehab for his drug problem and he refused. On a completely unrelated note, the average lifespan of a meth addict is approximately five years after the addiction starts. Just throwing that out there.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: I would've given it to her last year too were I a writer, but MAE FUCKING YOUNG, holder of probably the most ironic name in wrestling today.  Dear God, woman.  Personally, as soon as Moolah died I thought Mae was going to be taking a dirt nap as well.  I mean, when one lesbian goes down for the count, the other one dies soon after, right?  Admittedly, my knowledge on lesbians is a little rusty.  How she is still even walking is a mystery to me, but don't let that stop WWE from putting her over the ENTIRE DIVA ROSTER!  She kind of deserved that near-paralysis for thinking that was a good idea.
 
To sum up, Mae Young:  She's old, and old people should die.
 
JAMES SWIFT: I'm going to break from the group consensus and nominate The Dynamite Kid. I kind of find it hard to believe that a paraplegic chain-smoker living in British hospice care with a metal rod jutting out of his big toe hasn't found a way to absolve himself from the mortal coil yet. Factor in his previous battles with drug addiction (which one? All of them!), alcoholism, and borderline sociopath behavior (he used to wake his wife up in the morning by jamming a shotgun into her face), and the existence of Tom Billingsley remains a miracle akin to throwing a Molotov cocktail into Roy's House of Fireworks, Gasoline and Oily Rags and not hearing an explosion immediately afterwards.
 
SHANE STEELE: Mae Young. I have no earthly idea how this woman keeps going at the age of 85. Heck, my grandma's about that old and I don't see her taking on Beth Phoenix. Then again, maybe I haven't been looking hard enough.....
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: My first choice would be “Vicki Guerrero’s career”, but once again I have to go with Mae (not so) Young. While I’m happy she’s still living life, any shred of enjoyment I got out of her appearances died after her last showing on RAW. It was like watching a David Lynch film on heroin – only slower.
 
NEIL CATHAN: TNA. The company was haemorrhaging money at the start of the year, spent more money on outside talent, while burying any chance to make their existing workers into stars. Much though I'm a Mick Foley mark, he hasn't affected ratings at all. Nothing TNA does affects ratings. The company is flat lining exactly as much s it was last year, drawing the exact same buys and ratings. Although they do now have the support of terrifying Al Sow fans and stalkers. And they seem to be in endless supply. Maybe I'm just hoping they'll die.
 
NICOLE COOPER: Although Scott Hall could easily be selected for the winner of this award, Scott Hall did spare us from full exposure, and for that, I thank the man. Saying Scott Hall had an "off year", while no doubt being an understatement, still does not compare to the "off year" that one Jake Roberts had. But is anyone really shocked at this point? Being surprised that Jake Roberts lasted another year is like being surprised to find out that Batista forces his cancer suffering wife to vacuum. You see, you're not surprised because you already know that Batista is a self-important jackass, much like you know that Jake Roberts is simply the worst train wreck you will see in this sport right now.
 
GERSHON LEVY: Mae Young magically lived a year beyond Moolah now, and STILL makes appearances on WWE.  Funny how she ended up kissing Khali because I heard he referred to her vagina as a Punjabi Prison with the cobwebs and what not.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Jake Roberts. I know, he's the obvious choice and all but really…why the fuck no one has mercy killed the poor son of a bitch yet is beyond me. I vote for someone to pull an old Yeller on him, drag him behind the barn and Superkick his ass. It's the only humane thing to do.


2)YER FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Best instance of a company giving some fuck-up his walking papers.

Nominees: Braden Walker, Karen Angle, Lance Cade, Mike Adamle, Big Daddy V, Kenny Dykstra, Gabe Sapolsky, Snitsky
 
SEAN CARLESS: Part of me wanted to nominate Big Daddy V. If only for getting fired for being fat...despite the fact that he was only ever employed because he was so fucking fat.  Ridiculous.That'd be like the circus canning the Elephant Man because he's ugly as shit. 
 
Circus owner:  "Jesus Christ, Merrick, you've really let yourself go! Have some fucking pride in your apperarance already!"
 
But alas, there was another choice that took precedence. Another who's true language can only be understood by the ramblings of the fellow phonicly challenged Master Yoda. And I'm "getting a little emotion here" just thinking about my choice. Poor Mike Adamle. I mean, *just because* you have 30+ years experience in broadcasting, doesn't mean you should be expected to do your job well or even remotely competently. Wait. Yes it does. Huh. maybe if the WWE superstars were fighting with fucking giant Q-tips, he'd have found the resolve to properly call the shit like he did American Gladiators. (There's only one true "Nitro" in his heart, and it had sweet fuck all to do with Eric Bischoff).
 
But still, WWE *had* to justify paying him $300,000 dollars a year, so they tried everything they could to make him fit, until they finally found something that really worked and that he truly excelled at: Unemployment. I mean, clearly, it's the best job he's ever done. He's a total natural at it.
 
So, ya, my heart goes out to Mike Adamle, as does my bowels. He was the first and truest Adamle Original. But mostly because God purposely broke the mold Clash of the Titans-style after his creation. He wasn't taking any more chances after that. I can't say I blame him.
 
DEREK BURGAN: Well, the worst would have to go the mind-bending firing of Gabe Sapolsky in ROH, but there were so many legitimate firings that it might be hard to pick just one. I'm tempted to say Big Daddy V, but I don't need my email box swamped with his objections, so I'll go with Braden Walker. The first big "jump" of any note from TNA to WWE and it may be the last with how big of a fail he was. Coming it out of shape and uninspired is probably not the best way to make a first impression. Granted, the "new and improved" Chris Harris wasn't completely his fault, but enough of it is that he deserved the pink slip.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: Without a doubt Lance Cade. Sure, Braden Walker's ridiculously short WWE run was a total knee-slapper, and Mike Adamle flubbing his lines terribly on his last night will be remembered fondly for years to come, but getting shitcanned after having a drug-induced seizure on an airplane to the point where Lilian Garcia had to save Cade's ass... that's the stuff that pink slip legends are made of. There's just no topping this one, and I dare any Superstar to try to. I'm looking at you, Jeff Hardy, and you, pot-smoking The Brian Kendrick. I have a cock-eye, you see. It's quite depressing and not my sad attempt at the har-hars.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: Paul London, who has been teetering on the edge of pursuing future endeavors ever since his ironic smile absolutely RUINED the solemn event that was Vince McMahon being murdered on live television by a carbomb in his limo before returning three weeks later completely unscathed.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: For me, it's gotta be SNIIIIIIIIIIIIIITSKY, the pride of Nesquehoning, Pennsylvania!  Keep in mind, there's probably a good reason you've never heard of that town.  Probably because it's most famous person is fucking Gene Snitsky.  As soon as hey strayed from killing babies and licking feet, I knew it was all over for the big man.  Oh, I guess the being completely useless in all aspects of ring work didn't help his case either.    Add on to all of that this nice little tidbit - those hideous teeth are permanent!  Holy shit, was he setting himself up for a lifetime of ridicule or what?  Nice knowing you Gene, say hey to Justin Credible for me!
 
JAMES SWIFT: So.you're a lower mid-card guy that, inexplicably, receives the absolute biggest push of your fledgling career, securing a rare pinfall over one of the industry's grand lions. You now find yourself in the larval stages of a potential main event push, brushing elbows with the company's biggest players. What's your next move? Well, as we all know, the correct answer is "anything except have a coke-induced seizure on an airplane". And thusly, Lance Cade is the recepient of this century's "Good job, you dumb fuck" award statuette.
 
SHANE STEELE: Wait, Rellik (that's Killer spelled backwards!) didn't get nominated? Jeez, poor guy can't catch a break...until today that is! Here's to ya, Rellik! Hopefully, Mike Tenay doesn't follow you around a la Steve Irwin and remind you that your name is indeed "Killer" spelled backward. 'Cause that would be awkward.
Tenay: "Here's Rellik, that's Killer spelled backwards, buying his groceries! Will he have enough items to get through the express lane?".
Rellik: "......".
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: Depends on what you mean by “best”. If I was an absolute prick (and my manservant I affectionately call “Fuck Knuckle” assures me I’m not), I’d go for Braden Walker – WWE pulls the rug from under him before proceeding to give him shit on ECW and WWESHOP.

 
But my vote has to go to Karen Angle. Getting an ACTUAL divorce after working through a FICTIONAL one on TNA takes the whole “art imitating life” thing to a new level – a really fucking low one.
 
NEIL CATHAN: By the time you are reading this message I'll be dead, someone else will have made mention of the brilliant Braden Walker DVD package. Heh. Package. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=uwyFABQX62A The DVD that's replaced Rise and Fall as my favourite DVD. Mostly because Vince McMahon came into my house and replaced it with footage of WWECW, because that's the only ECW that ever existed. Remember that Vince McMahon run with the belt? E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB-U-DUB-U-E! Ahem.
 
NICOLE COOPER : Braden Walker. Need I say more? Well, if you insist. It's one thing to show up at your new job a little bent out of shape so to speak. Ask Kevin Nash, he'll tell you all about it. As long as you are willing to show up at said job and at least put SOME effort into it, then it becomes harder to criticize and complain about said wrestler. And now, here comes Braden freakin' Walker, a guy who shows up so out of shape (for the biggest opportunity of his life), that he looks like he slowly but surely devoured Big Daddy V in his spare time (which clearly, he had a lot of since he didn't spend much of that time at a gym). Add on top of all that a few ridiculous promos, sub-par matches and fucking knock knock jokes, and well, knock knock. Whose there? A pink slip - nice job ruining your entire career.
 
GERSHON LEVY: Mike Adamle is too easy, so I go with Big Titty V.  This guy had a great lowercard gimmick as Viscera and they ruined it by having him take off his nightgown.  That guy has more folds than aTexas Hold ‘Em tournament.  Honorable mention goes to Snitsky and his butter teeth which I heard he had permanently yellowed.  Maybe he can be the “before” picture for dental surgery (or “after” if you’re a sick bastard).
 
ESBEN EVANS: Braden Walker. From the moment he stepped into the spotlight and delivered the worst knock-knock joke known to man (worse than even mine "knock-knock. Who's there? Mike. Mike who? Mike Adamle"), I couldn't wait to see hiss fat, fat…fat ass back on the curb. Of course there was the delicious irony in him getting fired so quickly after feeling he was too good for TNA…which in all fairness most people are…just not him.


3)POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR. Backstage maneuvering should be rewarded in year-end awards, just like it's rewarded in real life.

Nominees: Triple H, Michelle McCool, Funaki, Batista, Jeff Jarrett, Kevin Nash, Kurt Angle, John Cena, Hulk Hogan
 
SEAN CARLESS: Michelle McCool. The only person in the company who can have Undertaker wrap his legs around her head, and not be carried out on a stretcher. And as a reward, she got a belt that looks like it should be coupled with a Hannah Montana back-pack, a powerpuff girls make-up bag, and a fucking Hilary Duff DVD. Sweet Deal.
 
I can just picture HHH shaking his head in disdain at this disturbing nepotistic scenario...
 
HHH: "Jesus Christ, Mark. What kind of message do you think it sends to the locker room when a World Title is created from scratch and an entire show is written around the egocentric blond your fucking?"
 
Undetaker: "Gee, I don't know, Paul. Why don't you ask your wife?"
 
DEREK BURGAN: Before associating with Kevin Nash, Samoa Joe was one of TNA's top talents involved in the three biggest PPV numbers the company has ever done. Since Kevin Nash, Samoa Joe is nothing but a whiner who fans are starting to boo out of the building. Kevin Nash? He went on to be a part of the Main Event Mafia and is involved in all the top angles. I wonder how he sold that one to management?
 
CATHERINE PEREZ:Funaki's nominated? Really? The guy who had to follow WWE Creative around FOR YEARS begging, "Please, let me wrestle as a one-dimensional stereotype of a Chopsocky martial artist with a gimmick that hasn't been relevant or even cool since 1974," as he waved a piece of paper with all his ideas around? I'd hardly consider that award-winning politics. So, of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't put my vote down for Michelle McCool! And somewhere, Triple H throws his sledgehammer onto the floor in defeat. This year, Michelle's been treated to a Bratz Divas' Championship title run, a swift kick to the forefront of SmackDown's women's division, and lots of other things that probably no one will remember in five years ("Remember when she won that giant fucking blue star? Me neither.") - all thanks to her willingness in letting the Undertaker think inside her box. And by 'think' I mean 'insert his cold zombie dick' and by 'box' I mean 'malnourished twat that probably defies all logic by having a protruding ribcage of its own somehow'. Don't ever let someone tell you that you can't get what you want by making those with power (in this case, the power to conjure lightning indoors) real happy in their pants~! Congratulations, Michelle, for earning a little backstage stroke... even if that stroke must be tiring your bony hand the fuck out by now. Oh, come on, I'm kidding! I'M KIDDING.
 
ANTHONY DEAN:Batista, who more or much, much less said "Look, I haven't held the title for several months, and I don't know how my old broken down ass feels about this sudden 'giving promising young stars a chance' business, so either I start pinning every motherfucker you guys got, or I leave to go star in movies and race cars before you can say 'HRRRAAAAGH' and mime turret gunning." How sad of a person do you have to be to need a fucking gimmick prop to reaffirm confidence in yourself? YOU WORK AT A JOB AND RECEIVE AN OBSCENELY LARGE PAYCHECK FOR IT. EVERYTHING ELSE IS SECONDARY. "BATISTA" IS NOT REAL, DAVID. MY CAPS LOCK IS BROKEN.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY:Personally, I think it's too easy to go after the usual suspects on this one.  Batista once again spends the year fighting for a title each PPV, just because he can.  Yawn.  HHH dominates everyone on Raw, only to move to Smackdown to do it all over again.  Boring.  I am long past caring about TNA, so Jarrett and pretty much everyone in the Main Event Mafia can take a hike.  No, let's go with a real Dark Horse(face).  MICHELLE MCCOOL.  Who else this year pretty much had a new title created for the sole purpose of getting themselves over?  Booker T?  I JUST SAID FUCK TNA!  Who knew that loving life was good enough to convince everyone that you should be booked like Supergirl?  What do you mean, she's boning The Undertaker?  POPPYCOCK!  Nothing proven!  You only say that because they're walking together in every single picture ever taken outside of arenas for 2008...
 
So, congrats, Michelle, you've just joined a very exclusive club.  A club of whiny douches that have someone to bitch to when they don't get their way.  I got you a present for the occasion!  A cheesesteak.  Eat it.  Now.  Please, for the love of God.
 
JAMES SWIFT: Trips, Taker.amateurs. Those guys have nothing on Mitsuharu Misawa, a guy that allowed his company to spiral into bankruptcy in lieu of relinquishing booking power. For God's sake, he wouldn't job to his best friend (a national icon, to boot) in his return match.from mother fucking brain cancer!
 
SHANE STEELE: I've got to give this one to Funaki. Somehow, some way, he's figured out how to be featured on TV on a weekly basis, finally try out his kung fu gimmick, and in one of the most frightening moments of my life, almost beat Edge. That's some major politicking right there.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: Usually when you launch a new Championship belt you give it to your best competitor. So naturally, with a roster that includes names like Victoria and Natalya Neidhart, you hand it to… Michelle McCool? Man, who is she sleeping with? And more importantly, why can’t it be me?
 
NEIL CATHAN: Well, the award does read "Backstage Maneuvering", and I don't know about that, but how about all the backdoor maneuvering that Michelle McCool lets Undertaker do? She's so good at that game, she's got the Deadman to lie on his back for more than two seconds. Who's managed that feat recently? Good for you Michelle McCool, for showing us that getting a rise from the Deadman can get you a rise on the card. That letting him push (and push) into you can earn yourself a push. She's not talented in the ring, but her position on the card shows she must be talented other places. Thank you, I'll be here all week. And all of 2009, presuming I don't get fired by Sean. It's ok, I'm planning to marry his daughter. I can be as crap as I like, and pin all the other writers during the course of my recap. I can't wait.
 
NICOLE COOPER: It has to be Michelle McCool. Getting on Maryse's back about her abilities is one thing, but trying to teach the other Diva's how to wrestle "WWE Style" when your own wrestling style can easily be described as "shit", well that basically means that you are in no position to talk. But instead of being called out for her actions, she is instead rewarded with an enlarged Barbie doll accessory. Life is good when you're able to get an undead locker room leader in the sack.
 
GERSHON LEVY: I’m giving this to John Cena because he was out for an extended period twice this year (well the beginning of the year was the tail end of the first one) and as soon as he’s back he has a title shot.  I think he inherited the Konami Code from Batista.
 
ESBEN EVANS:Funaki. Seriously we lost Stevie this year…FUCKING STEVIE! And for some reason, not only is Funaki still employed, but he's being used on TV again for some reason. Scotty 2 Hotty? Check, Stevie Richards? Check, Val Venis? Watch you're back, Funaki and his brilliant lobbying is coming for you!


4)STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE: (wrestler who's gained the most weight)

Nominees: Goldust, Braden Walker, Samoa Joe, Big Daddy V, Kane, Iron Sheik, Randy Savage, Stephanie McMahon, Shane McMahon,
 
SEAN CARLESS: Samoa Joe. He keeps getting bigger, yet doesn't enjoy the usual perks of being Samoan; i.e. the cement-like head, the perma-casual work day experience of never wearing shoes, and awesome tights that all end at the knee. I'm surprised he even claims to be Samoan. He's totally getting shafted. I can just picture the awkward exchange with him tryting to "fit in" back on the Islands....
 
Random Samoan: "Hello, friend. My name is Kokomungo, and this is my cousin Conacangumu and his wife Goganga- Famu. What's your name?
 
Samoa Joe: "Joe."
 
Kokomungo: "Joe? ...Seriously? Hey, Conacangumu, check this shit out. This guy's name is "Joe."
 
Conacangumu:  "Joe? Haha! Man! What kind of fucking gibberish name is "Joe"!?
 
So, ya he's fat. And not even a real Samoan. I mean, Christ, I once saw him buying Advil at a pharmacy. SAMOANS DON'T GET HEADACHES. (neither do retards or black people.)
 
My first runner-up is Stephanie McMahon. Who if judging by WWE camera work, is just a floating head now with no lower torso. (I keep waiting for the wide shot that shows the Henson Studios people operating an animatronic half puppet.). Seriously. She just ends at the tits. Which now that I think about it isn't really that bad. If only more women followed her grand example. If only.
 
 
DEREK BURGAN: Samoa Joe is looking less and less like the Samoa Submission Machine and more like the Snack Eating Machine. It's hard to believe now, but Rikishi was once at around the body type Joe has now, and we saw how that turned out. Let's hope Joe straightens out a bit because he while he doesn't need to be ripped, he doesn't need to have bigger tits than Lauren either.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: Way too many good choices this year. At first I couldn't decide between Goldust and Braden Walker, but then I remembered that Takeshi Morishima "disrespected" his WWE tryout match by showing up fat. I mean, really, how dare he show up not looking like a roided up freak so WWE could make an example of him and suspend his ass after handing him a small push to show they'll even suspend their "big" stars because they mean business? The bastard. And Big Daddy V got FIRED for being fat. Of course, I don't think Big Vis gained all that weight just this year like Braden Walker did. The former Chris Harris showed up to ECW looking like he walked out on TNA and stumbled over a barrel full of jellyfish on the way out. Then he fell into and absorbed a giant vat of that pre-soap ass fat from Fight Club. Then he walked into a Chinese buffet restaurant and drowned his sorrows in crab rangoon, which is kind of hard to do when his hands are permanently attached to his hips, but that's not a problem since he's trained in competitive eating with no hands. Or something. Anyway, this tragic story serves as motivation for me to lose weight, and I'm definitely going to mention that to NutriSystem once I lose most of it, because I want to read "Check out the story of a woman who was motivated to shed pounds by an overweight pro wrestler!" on their main page. Which should be hilarious. So, yeah, my vote goes to Braden Walker.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: Braden Walker. When you see fucking Viscera get canned for being too fat, you would think one would take some notice, so what does BRADEN do? Apparently spend six months avoiding so much as anyone even named "Jim" and putting on a weight gain that'd make Roddy Piper say "Get that fucker to a hospital or the ocean" (in between shoveling mounds of food into his Pit), and then just flaunting it in front of ECW's several viewers like he's JBL or something.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY:I barely saw ol' Dustin in TNA as Black Reign.  So, imagine my surprise when GOLDUST returned.  Ho-ly shit.  Better not inhale too deeply there buddy, lest you want your bodysuit to tear to shreds and give the WWE kiddies a little mental trauma to go along with their entertainment.
 
JAMES SWIFT: You'll never forget the name "Goldust", especially if you work the drive- thru at McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell or Carl's Jr., where, judging from Dustin's recent annexation of girth, is where approximately 85 percent of his annual earnings end up.
 
SHANE STEELE: I thought it was just the Black Reign outfit making him look fat, but damn, Dustin Rhodes has been packing it on. I've been wondering what happened to Misty the rat after his TNA stint, but I think it's safe to say he probably ate her.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: I have to say Goldust. You’d think that after years of wrestling in a full body suit the guy would sweat off a few pounds. Instead he has to add pregnancy panels.
 
NEIL CATHAN: Considering Big Daddy V got fired due to being too fat too work properly, I will have to give him and his six breasts the award here. I for one, find it hilarious that he's training for an MMA career, presumably on the grounds that Lesnar managed it. He seems to be forgetting that Lesnar was over enough to get signed, and ake big money from fights almost instantly, and actually talented and in shape enough to win. But yeah, V, aside from the talent and popularity, you're basically as good as Lesnar.
 
NICOLE COOPER: Once again, is there any doubt that this award has go to Braden Walker? He shows up on ECW looking fucking huge, with no right at all to be wearing that spandex outfit. For those of you too blind to ever notice, allow me to provide you with photographic proof:
 If you can tell me that you wouldn't be humiliated to be seen like that, then I will laugh in your face and tell you that you're lying.
 
GERSHON LEVY:I’m thinking they should change the name Goldust to Coldcuts or something.  Dustin’s been following his dad’s eating habits again.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Viscera, or Big Daddy V, or whatever. Now plenty of people gained a lot of weight this year, but Viscera looked like he pretty much doubled his. I know, a lot of people do that as well, but then again, not many of them had the weight of a baby elephant to begin with.


5)PUSH THAT MAN!......INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC: (for wrestler who is least deserving of a Push.)

Nominees: Batista, JBL, Cody Rhodes, Candice Michelle, Matt Morgan, Mark Henry, Mike Knox, JBL, Ricky Ortiz, Kevin Nash, Jeff Jarrett, Sting, Vladmir Kozlov, Michelle McCool
 
SEAN CARLESS:Michelle McCool. The anti-Goldberg. "THEY'RE PIPING IN SILENCE!" Seriously. They have 3 days, and millions of dollars worth of equipment, and they still can't erase the pure apathy.
 
1st runner up is Matt Morgan. The man whose DNA was shot into space. A feat I also accomplish while watching Mickie James matches. What can I say, I got great muscle control. And a hole in my roof the size of a manhole cover.
 
DEREK BURGAN:"The Blueprint" Matt Morgan? Can someone tell me why this guy is high on anyone's list? He's the wrestling equivalent of Brian Bosworth or Todd Marinovich in the NFL, great bodies, great hype, but ZERO TALENT. Instead of sending his DNA into space they should send Morgan himself and maybe he'll stumble onto a planet full of over sized goofs with zero charisma and he'll fit right in.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ:

Beer gut? Check! Bologna titties that rival Stacy Keibler's? Check! An oft-reported reputation for being an immature jock asshole who bullies those "beneath" him? Check! Boring, sometimes borderline prejudiced promos, boring feuds, and a most-annoying penchant for garnering the cheapest of heat (Germany says hello)? Check, check, and check! John Bradshaw Layfield, come onnnnnn down~! He's proven that his true calling is behind the announce table, which is ironic considering I would prefer to not hear Jibble talk ever. He's provided far more boring moments than exciting ones this year, and I am just sick of the guy already. In the words of Johnny Rotten, "FUCK OFF; YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"
 
ANTHONY DEAN:"The Big O" Ricky Ortiz. You could let that fucker wrestle in a Megadeus and he still wouldn't be cool, and his moves probably still wouldn't land, either. And yes, I did just make an anime joke. I'm just going to go fuck myself.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Only one man fully exemplifies this award to me, and that's BATISTA.  This guy had quite the year, with being involved with most of the PPV main events this year, having countless title shots handed to him for NO reason, and doing all that while not changing his moveset at all (gee I wonder what he'll do this match...maybe a Spear, Spinebuster, and Batista Bomb?).  You know, just like last year.  Yet, he still finds the time to publicly brag about the trim he has plowed, along with bitching that he "isn't being pushed enough."  So, to shut his ass up, they give him a win over (face it) WWE's biggest draw, but not before he injures the shit out of him.  Hey, have some title reigns while you're at it!  I don't think I've ever seen a bigger crybaby in my life.  Well done, big Dave!  Time for your photo op!  Just stand right there...yep, right there.  Be sure to close your eyes and smile...*revs engine*
 
(Note that I wrote this before hearing Big Dave going down for several months from a torn hamstring.  One, THANK YOU GOD!  Two, I sure do hate being cursed with knowing the future...)
 
JAMES SWIFT: Let's take another trip to Japan-land, shall we? Keiji Mutoh (known to some of you elder fans as The Great Muta) is an old, fat, broken down shell of a human being. He's so decrepit, in fact, that he can't even spew his patented green mist anymore because that involves the risk of his dentures flying halfway across the ring. And thanks to nepotism and bullshit polemics, he's the world champion of TWO, count 'em TWO major promotions. That's the U.S. equivalent of Buff Bagwell holding the TNA and ROH titles simultaneously. As the great Canadian poet Bret Hart once so eloquently versed, "Frustrated? Frustrated isn't the gawh-damned word for it!"
 
SHANE STEELE: You'd think a guy who's more robotic than HAL wouldn't get anywhere in life, but somebody sees something in Randy Orton and just keeps pushing him. Since it's clearly not his personality, I'm guessing it's those great dinners with the Orton family. Cowboy Bob  tells great stories and everyone laughs while he awkwardly tries to eat with a cast on his arm. It's hilarious.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD:That’s quite a list.
Not the nominees, just the Main Even Mafia on its own – collectively they have won dozens of titles, have decades of experience, and have wrestled… like, what, ten matches since they formed (not including Angle)? Good to see after WCW went under, backstage clout still earns you the right to destroy the up and comers on a weekly basis. Fucking hacks.
Special mentions go to >THE< Brian Kendrick (as opposed to >A< Brian Kendrick), Mark “are you STILL here?” Henry, JBL (which now stands for “Joey’s Beaten Layfield”) and Ricky Snore-tiz.
 
NEIL CATHAN: Ricky Ortiz is apparently getting a big push in WWE. Who's Ricky Ortiz, I ask? The only answer would appear to be "Man with least successful, and least warranted push."
 
NICOLE COOPER: This one is pretty tough since there really are so many worthy options out there, but since I do have to sit through TNA on a weekly basis, I have to give this one to SUPER DNA himself, Matt Morgan. The only thing this guy has going for him is his "perfect" DNA. Although, the last time I checked, you'd need a little bit more than average wrestling skills to be considered perfect. Oh, and any semblance of charisma would help as well. On a side note, I would no doubt not mind seeing SUPER DNA being pushed into oncoming traffic, but his super powerful DNA would probably cause the cars to bounce off of him, and in turn, spiral out of control before killing everyone and everything on the road aside from Matt Morgan. Did you really think I could make it through this without a DNA joke?
 
GERSHON LEVY:Even though I don’t watch Smackdown, I’m going with Vladimir Kozlov because from what I’ve seen he is not over at all to the crowd and has a very stale gimmick.  Rocky IV came out over 20 years ago and the Cold War is over.  Then again, every country hates the US now so really you could use someone from any country.
 
ESBEN EVANS:Batista. Not only is he boring, unskilled, old, and annoying. But when he apparently began crying about not getting pushed enough, despite the fact that he's been in more World Title matches than ever thought humanly possible during the course of the last few years, and he subsequently got another title reign for some unknown reason, I was this close to throw something at someone, shoot myself up with steroids, and complain to my boss that I don't get enough money…oh, and kill a basketball, just because.


6)LT. WORF COMMEMORATIVE "CLING-ON" AWARD: (for the wrestler who has stayed employed through all odds.)/ Stevie Richards Official "I'll Show You.....How to Stay Employed for 9 Years" Award (as renamed recently to me by Stevie himself).
Nominees: Jeff Hardy, The Brian Kendrick, Carlito, Funaki, Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, Sonjay Dutt, Curry Man, Shark Boy, The Boogeyman, Val Venis
 
SEAN CARLESS: I refuse to answer this category. It's lost all meaning for me. Stevie Richards being released has to be some sort of sign of Armageddon looming. Live on Pay-per-view. I mean, I could of sworn there was something in the Bible about showing us, we'll see, and the prophet with the half shirt and tiny shorts will be martyred and something. Seriously. It was right after the moon turning red and the waters to blood, and the one guy doing that one thing with the whatnow. It's been a while since I was in church. Or watched the Seventh Sign. Wake me up when the seven headed dragon gets here.
 
 
DEREK BURGAN: As always I'm going with Stevie Richards. What? STEVIE RICHARDS WAS WISHED WELL IN HIS FUTURE ENDEAVORS? Well, I'll be damned. Do you think that Val Venis just "loses" his cell phone several times a year in order not to get that phone call?
 
CATHERINE PEREZ:STEVIE RICHARDS~! Wait... oh, that's right. I'm still really sorry for outing Stevie's secret hiding area just days before his firing. If you're reading this, Stevie, I'M SORRY. Anyway, I'm giving this one to CHAVO GUERRERO! Poor Chavito has been hanging off of Vickie Guerrero's sphincter like a turd to get some TV time lately, but he hasn't exactly done anything memorable this year or last year, or the year before. Man, remember when Chavo got Vickie some coffee? That was awesome. I'm just saying, if I were Chavo, running errands on a fucking wrestling show instead of, uh... wrestling, I'd fucking quit. Actually, in this economic rut everyone's in, I sure as hell wouldn't mind making over $100,000 a year serving coffee and listening to my aunt screech in such a voice that would've made Helen Keller wince. Would you? That's right. You keep reaching for that brass ring, Chavo~!
 
ANTHONY DEAN: The Boogeyman. When a guy's career for the past two years has consisted of maybe three appearances to state his name and sing fucking Christmas carols, you have to wonder if maybe those worms in his mouth ar e really bait for one-eyed blue-veined purple-headed trouser trout. However, with the sudden reappearance of his two front teeth, his little novelty act may have worn off, and if so, Boogey better hope that he doesn't suck as hard in the wrestling ring as he does in Patterson's.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY:...Well shit.  OK, let's go with KUNG FU NAKI.  Note I am writing my winners in all caps.  Even if I wasn't, I still would for Naki on grounds of a shitty name (see the precedent set by BAM NEELY).  The fact that he was barely on TV at the time he was busted for the juice made me assume it was sayonara for this perennial waste of space.  But, not only is he still here, he's getting something resembling a push too!  And all he had to do was completely forsake his Japanese heritage!  So, good on you man.  Now learn some damn English, you've only been here for a decade now...
 
JAMES SWIFT: The fact that any ECW original is still employed is a marvel unto itself. I can just imagine Tommy D., Balls Mahoney and Little Guido calling up some of their old coworkers for Christmas: "Hey, Axl, how's it going? You're making $9.50 an hour and you have to catch your own dinner? Well, back to staring at the ceiling lights for me!"
 
SHANE STEELE: The Boogeyman is as fragile as a porcelain vase despite almost all of his matches being squashes and yet he STILL keeps his job. Man, if only all jobs were that easy.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD:Wait a minute… WHERE IS STEVEN RICHARDS???
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
For the life of me I don’t know why the Boogeyman is still there. Sure, Marty Wright plays the part well, but what is this? 1985? Go learn a third wrestling move.
But my vote goes to Val Venis, simply because my first thought after reading the nominations was “Val Venis is still under contract?”
 
NEIL CATHAN: Stevie Richards. Man I can't believe he still has his- WHAT? Stevie Richards lost his job with WWE? My god, the apocalypse is coming! Armageddon! Judgement Day! Other shitty PPVS! I can't write this entry, I have more important things to do, like doing enough good deeds, and accepting Jesus (Not that fish and bread guy, Carlito's manager) as my personal saviour. He can teach me the ways of jobbing and being boring in the ring. Truly, that man was an innovator, getting crushed on PPV by Cena was before it was cool. But anyway, sidetrack aside (also atrack, for those you keeping track.) (And for those of you keeping side.) I must accept him as my saviour so I can avoid Hell. I hear they have Heroes of Wrestling and December To Dismember on constant loop down there, and the only way out is to find a way to make deathbed WCW booking make sense. Place is harder to escape than Alcatraz. And there's not even Rowdy Roddy there, training for his big match with Hogan. Not even.
 
NICOLE COOPER: My first year here and I can't even take the easy way out by choosing Steven Richards. How sad is that? Well, I will move on, and I will narrow this down to two options: Jim Duggan and Sharkboy. I'm leaning more towards Duggan though, because Sharkboy still does have something left to offer, and people do seem to love that ridiculous costume of his. (But then again, you're talking about Impact Zone fans here, which means that the opposite of what they say is true.) In all seriousness, what the hell has Duggan done this year aside from cry in the ring when Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase pick on him? I'd say it's time to retire when someone like Cody fucking Rhodes can make you cry, but I digress. Sure, WWE may very well be playing the sympathy card with him, and if that's the case, I say it's time to become a heartless bitch, WWE.
 
GERSHON LEVY:I am in tears that Steven Richards is no longer eligible for this award.  Apparently he wasn’t showing WWE enough or they would have saw it (Sean does that joke way better).  If I have to pick a current guy, I’m going with Funaki.  Not only does he still have a job, but he got repackaged with a push???
 
ESBEN EVANS:Carlito. I thought about voting for Val, but he didn't openly complain and seemingly want to get fired as our little Puerto Rican friend did. (Scarface ftw…and yeah, I know Tony Montana was Cuban, but really…is there a difference?). He's the only wrestler who has given Batista a run for his money in who could complain most for no apparent reason, and even HE didn't get shitcanned…what does it take to get a justifiable sacking around here?


7)I WOULDN'T KICK HER OFF MY FACE (Most fuckable woman in wrestling)
Nominees: Anyone you'd plow.
 
SEAN CARLESS: I'd be lying if I said I haven't coughed up a little dog water to just about every Diva in the company. But if I had to choose, at this moment, I'd choose Mickie James. I don't even care about those Arby's jokes you hear everywhere. That just means she loves cock and welcomes it into the fold. Literally. Cruel people get down on her (tee hee) saying meaness like "Philly beef" and what not, but you know what? That's a pretty delicious sandwich. There, I said it. If they said "foot-long hotdog" like say Chyna, then maybe I'd be worrying.
 
Vaginas are like your socks. Sure, a nice new one looks good, but the stretched out mishapen one's with their wrinkles and flaws are still better, because they're comfortable, you see. They always fit. I guess what I'm *really* trying to say here is that I'm hungry and my feet are cold.
 
DEREK BURGAN:My first and only tie in TWF Fanny Award history. I tried to break this tie for hours and just couldn't find a way, so KELLY KELLY and VELVET SKY are going to just have to share it between them. If they want to share anything else between each other, I'd be first in line to pay $29.99 for the privilege to watch.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: I would guess they'd all be fuckable if they have a working set of female genitalia, so that obviously leaves out ODB and Traci Brooks. Sorry, ladies~! Them's the rules or something.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: This might just be the little tinge of Aryan pride in me talking (HEIL SCHUTZSTAFFEL), but I vote Layla London, who has successfully metamorphisized from a black girl with an afro that everyone but Michael Hayes knew and loved to a posh, really tan British woman with a perm smooth enough to make Kat Williams' shit look natural.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Hm.  See, at first I was very torn on this category.  And raw.  And chaffed.  I'll let you guess where.  The thing about bitches who wrestle (yes I am quite respectful, thanks for asking) is that they are pretty much all fuckable.  Especially to us, the downtrodden chuds that write for this wonderful site!  So, I am judging on...other merits.
 
At first I thought Katie Lea would be a winner.  I mean, she'll bang her brother.  And have you LOOKED at that guy?  I figure I have a shot when her standards are like that.  Also, I thought Melina, simply because of the splits.  Don't act like you haven't wondered if she can still pull that off while...umm, suffering from a severe case of "filled vaginitis."  But no, the clear recipient of this trophy (and my filthy, filthy loving) is VICTORIA.  Think about it.  First of all, she has that milf/cougar-y look about her, like, uh, "I ain't the lady to mess with."  Specifically, once the bedroom door's closed, so much deplorable shit will be going down that you may just croak right then and there.  I don't care how old you are, it'll happen.  Plus, after you're done blowing one in her, she can go make you a pizza, and get you a sweet deal on rims.  Tell me what part of that equation is not completely fucking awesome.
 
JAMES SWIFT: ATTENTION: Whoever may be my other of significance at the time of this reading: my admission of wanting to engage in salacious acts with a comely third party is in no way, shape, or form a sign of the deterioration of our current involvement. That being said, I'd have to vouch for Christy Hemme. Hey, what can I say, James Swift <3s the fire crotches.
 
SHANE STEELE: Maryse. God damn, she is hot.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: When you look like me you can’t afford to be choosy. Just hand one of ‘em a blindfold and tell God I’m sorry.
 
NEIL CATHAN: Now, much movement though Melina causes in my pants, I will have to go with your heroine and mine, Gail Kim. The degree of lame in the Knockouts Division of late has made me realise how much we all need Gail Kim in our lives. Especially me. Dear Santa: Gail Kim+Ribbon=Merry Christmas. Do it, and I'll get Warrior to stop putting you in bondage, I promise.
 
NICOLE COOPER: This is going to be a little hard for me considering the whole "I am a totally straight female" thing, but I will try nonetheless. A part of me is telling me to pick John Morrison, because hell, he's gorgeous enough and has nice enough hair to be a woman anyway. And my personal preferences are telling me to pick Alex Shelley, or maybe even the best looking man to ever exist on this planet, CM Punk. But, since I'm all about cooperation, and since Lita is no longer around for me to pick her (no, seriously), I'm going to have to choose between Victoria, Maryse and Maria. It's gotta be Maryse though.
 
GERSHON LEVY: I hate to be redundant but still going with Mickie James.  She is the closest to not being the typical Diva.  Did I mention her hometown is about 2 hours from my hometown even though I now live about 4 hours from my hometown which means I now live about 6 hours from her hometown?  Regardless, I’d travel that distance to hit that.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Layla London. After she dropped that whole Sideshow Bob hairstyle, she has quickly ascended to being one of the hottest women in wrestling…wait, I've forgotten something…oh…yeah, right…now if only she would descend onto my cock then I would be eternally blissful…hehe, I'm so clever. 


8)EVEN WE WOULDN'T HIT IT. (Who was the most unattractive woman of the year?)
Nominees: Anyone you wouldn't.
 
SEAN CARLESS: No one. I'm like the sex version of Tommy Dreamer's 2002 eating habits. I'll put just about anything in my mouth. And by mouth I mean cock. Even Vickie Guerrero.  I mean, why not? Who am I to judge? Even if she does have a protracting overbite last seen terrorizing Sigorney Weaver & her space crew.
 
Seriously. It'd be an HONOR to put my dick where Hall of Famer Eddie Guerrero was. In a way, it'd be like *I* was in the Hall of Fame. A hall made of vagina.  I'd look at it like an homage. Only with equal parts admiration & respect, and equal parts semen. The best part though, would be the impending Eddie tribute....
 
Sean: "Hey, Vickie, you know when I told you that I wore a condom?"
Vickie: "Sure."
Sean: "I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddd, Esse!"
 
Seriously, don't knock girls just because they're packing a little weight. Because here's a tip. Fat girls are already used to putting things in their mouths. So, that's half the battle right there. Hunger is nature's great precursor to fellatio. But just make sure they're not too hungry. Lest your dick return like a half-digested stock of Indian Corn. Don't say I didn't warn you. I'm horny now. I think it moved.
 
DEREK BURGAN:  I'm still not entirely convinced ODB is an actual women. And that's after seeing her outside of wrestling at a sports bar in Orlando after an Impact taping. Listening to her talk to Between the Ropes' Brian Fritz reminded of that scene in Deuce Bigalow with the large black woman talking to Deuce. You just can't forget something like that no matter how hard you try.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: Kute Kip, hands fucking down. Jesus Christ, what started with stealing Torrie Wilson's ring gear culminated into becoming the gayest guy and ugliest woman in wrestling since his own damn self in 2002. Kip James clearly has no shame. Or female fans. Hey, YOU try finding an "official" fan website for Kip. Even Dolph Ziggler has one, and when Dolph Ziggler's got more fans, or at least fans who are willing to openly admit that they're fans, it's time to pack up the booty shorts and call it a career. Plus, he reminds me of Zachery Ty Bryan and that's just un-fucking-acceptable.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: That big ugly short-haired blond woman they got in TNA whose sole job seems to be to always appear onscreen with The Beautiful People so as to draw attention away from the fact that Angelina Love doesn't really belong there either.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: I subscribe to a simple rule with a woman's physical appearance.  No ribs, no rolls.  So, gotta give this one away in a tie.  First up, we have AWESOME KONG.  Hey, I can deal with the big bitches as much as the next guy, but I really hope her husband is hung like a moose, else he isn't breaking through that gunt.  The other "winner" is clear - SENSATIONAL SHERRI.  She was hot up until sometime last year, where she just started losing WAY too much weight for my liking.  Not my thing to be seeing the girl's ribcage, sorry.
 
JAMES SWIFT: Awesome Kong is such an obvious, foregone conclusion that stating "I wouldn't hit it with Don West's dick" is totally superfluous. That being said.I wouldn't hit it with Don West's dick.
 
SHANE STEELE: Vickie Guerrero. "Excuse me", while I go puke.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: Vickie fucking Guerrero. You know that saying “someone you love to hate”? Well, I hate Vickie Guerrero so much that I hate HATING her. Never in my life have I ever wanted to kick my TV in so badly than every time she appears on screen. It’s not that I find her unattractive, I find her UNBEARABLE! Excuse >ME< you fucking talentless waste of my time.
 
NEIL CATHAN: What are women, like Kute Kip, doing on a list with hideous men like Rhaka Khan. Hideous illiterate men. I hear that an inability to spell your own name is sexually transmitted, so I'll have to call no sex with Khan for me.
 
NICOLE COOPER: Are we allowed to combine options? Perhaps Awesome Kong with Vickie Guerrero's ear-splitting voice? I'm assuming that that isn't an option, so my choice is Vickie Guerrero. How she ever managed to pick up someone like Edge (horrible booking) is beyond me. I can only imagine what a night in bed with Vickie must be like for men. You better not mess up a single thing or you will be hit with a never ending supply of EXCUSE ME'S~!!1!!! Vickie Guerrero is a full-blown WWE "Entertainer" now, which in turn means she's taking home quite the paycheck, which in turn leads me to ask, what's up with those teeth, Vickie?
 
GERSHON LEVY: EXCUSE ME!!!!!  I’d say more but the crowd is drowning me out.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Awesome Kong. Seriously, I still haven't forgiven myself for ever looking at that picture from when she accidentally flashed the world (and by world, I mean the 10 people ordering that particular pay-per-view) on TNA. I know, a TWF writer who's picky about the women he sees naked, isn't that a bit of a joke. But what  can I say, I'm just not a Fat Chick Thrilla (hey, it took me until question 8 to make a WCW reference, props to me *self high five*)


9)THE DARSOW AWARD (For Wrestler who's persevered through a TERRIBLE Gimmick or Angle)

Nominees: Funaki, DJ Gabriel, Kofi Kingston, Kane, MVP, Big Show,  Chris Jericho, Charlie Haas, Finlay, Cryme Tyme
 
SEAN CARLESS: Wellllllllll, it's the Big Show. I had big hopes for him. Holy shit, puns. But thus far, nada. Why did the big lug even come back? To punch like 3 people in the face in a six month period? To find more really big jewelry to push soft-boiled eggs through to the jubilation of Jim Ross? It baffles the mind.
 
But still, here he is, doing nothing but be at Vickie's side for really no reason whatsoever other than to act as her own personal DUFF. (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). I mean, really, you get a few Big Shows running around, and all of a sudden you're looking pretty good. AMIRITE.
 
 Although, I think the *real* reason Vickie *actually* keeps him around is for his frying pan hands. I mean, what fat person wouldn't want to hang around with a dude who has ready-made food heaters built into their limbs? Exactly. I can't remember what my point was.
 
DEREK BURGAN: It's only been one appearance or so, but I'm going with TNA's SUICIDE. Being based on a videogame character is already one career-killing knock. The pre-taped segments were horrendous. He's a character aimed at kids named Suicide for God's sake! All that said, I didn't think his spot at Final Resolution was that bad at all and quite fun to watch.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: This year, the psychotic(~!) Kane had Rey Mysterio beaten within an inch of his life... but we just had to take his word for it because we couldn't even get one segment where he'd electrocute Rey's balls or anything. On the show, Rey was beating the shit out of Kane on a weekly basis, hardly ever alluding to his supposed nightmarish ordeal with Kane. What better to follow up this abortion of a storyline than having Kane fall in love with a frightened Kelly "Beaver" Kelly like only a 7-foot monster can? It must be love; I mean, both their names start with K. IT'S FATE. As of this writing, the love has hardly blossomed, but I'm sure there'll be a wedding. We all know how well those go, but at least we won't have to witness Kane popping out of the canvas looking like a dick wearing a broken condom. I'm also sure he'll get that Beaver pregnant. It's quality television, only completely lacking anything that would have us think "Kane" when we think "quality"~! My point is, Kane is the poster child for the Darsow Award. He's had a bad year every year since he unmasked, but he somehow can't get the fans WWE Universe to hate him. It's his gift. It's his curse.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: CM Punk. When you spend your first world title run getting beat down, fucked up, and repeatedly being forced to make JBL look presentable, well, you're bound to end up like Rey Mysterio - still getting pops and occasionally competing for shit titles, but long past the point of being relevant or interesting. We've yet to see if he'll make it to the top again, but so far he's at least staying afloat.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Who else can this be other than one MONTEL VONTAVIUS PORTER?  I imagine how that creative meeting went:
 
Writers:  Have a seat, MVP.  We'd like to discuss the new direction we are taking with your character.
MVP:  Oh shit, this isn't about that drug tester I told off, is it?
Writers:  Oh, heavens no, of course not!  What gave you that idea?
MVP:  Seriously?  This is what you guys do.  You bury the hell out of guys for the pettiest shit.
Writers:  ...Well, it's different this time.  So, about your new storyline...you lose to everybody!  Doesn't that sound great!?
MVP:  Please tell me you're joking.
Writers:  We see you are not thrilled.  Well, MVP, it's either this, or quit.  Is that what you want to do?  Maybe go try out for the NFL?  Dick around in Japan for a while perhaps?  Why not try out some MMA and get a giant sword tattooed on your chest?
MVP:  What?  Where the fuck are you guys getting this shit from?
Writers:  Oh, come on!  We can see it in your eyes!  You want to be like Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashley!  Stop playing around with us, just admit it!
MVP:  OK, you guys have officially lost it.  *sighs*  If I do this stupid storyline, will you guys shut up?
Writers:  You bet!
MVP:  Alright, you win.  Losing, here I come!
Writers:  Exxxxxcellent.  All goes according to plan.  Now, let's see what we're going to do about this young upstart...what's his name again?  CM Punk?
 
It happened exactly like that.  Just take my word for it.  Oh and for the record, yes, I do imagine WWE Creative all speak in unison as one mindless, robotic, credibility-destroying machine.
 
JAMES SWIFT: Just fucking pick any ROH alum in TNA. There are returning Iraqi war vets that haven't accumulated as much psychological scarring.
 
SHANE STEELE: The dancing DJ Gabriel gimmick is horrible, but I'm still rooting for DJ Gabriel only because I remember his appearance on Smackdown three years ago as Steve Lewington. Something about the fact that he put the British flag on the ass portion of his tights made me laugh.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: Kane and Big Show seem to have some kind of weird, cosmic immunity where – career-wise – they can crawl through a river of shit and come out clean on the other side.
Special mention goes to Charlie Haas. Sure, his send-ups reek of Stevie Richards back in the good ol’ days of HeAT, and it doesn’t say much when a wrestler gets over due to other people’s gimmicks, but at least he’s not emerging from under the ring wearing a luchadore mask. What the fuck WAS that anyway?
 
NEIL CATHAN: Charlie Haas has turned a lame gimmick into solid gold. Literally. It's how he can afford that limo he turned up in that one time. The Baconmesiter isn't the only one with inside sources. I hear he's getting the role of Edward Elric for the upcoming live action Full Metal Alchemist film. He's already got the transmutation down. Epic win, as you crazy internet kids say.
 
NICOLE COOPER: John Morrison, no doubt. First, you make him go by his "real name" (isn't that right, Sim Snuka?), solely because he resembles a singer of a band who died 37 years ago. Then, you give him what could basically be summarized as "really shitty catchphrases" to use in all of his promos. To add the icing on the proverbial cake, you fuck up his name on a WrestleMania banner by putting down the name of the guy who he's copying. Turns out, the sheer awesomeness of John Hennigan managed to turn what should have easily been a career burying gimmick into what is, to me at least, one of the best things going for WWE today.
 
GERSHON LEVY: Could it be anyone but Charlie Haas?  This gimmick has been done so many times but Charlie actually does decent impressions of the people he is portraying.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Charlie Haas. Although since the man never had a discernible personality of his own, it really shouldn't come as a shock to anyone that the only thing that could get him over was mimicking everyone else.

10)THERE IS A GOD! For the moment when Lady Luck gave us a lapdance. (award for unforeseen blessing in wrestling.)
Nominees: John Cena gets injured and loses a lot, The Brian Kendrick gets an awesome gimmick, an awesome jacket and smokes weed while keeping his job, Shawn Michaels/Chris Jericho feud, Chris Jericho gets thrown into the Championship Scramble and wins, CM Punk wins WHC, Mike Adamle being publicly humiliated for being shit and then fired, Triple H being drafted to SmackDown!, Y2J wins the World Title, then loses it, but wins it back, Edge takes the Heavyweight belt from Triple H, Regal becomes King of the Ring, Randy Orton retains at WrestleMania, Evan Bourne Debuts, Newly found relevance for the Intercontinental Title, Vince declaring Hulk Hogan and others involved with CCW are getting the Randy Savage treatment, Vince getting off and staying off TV
 
SEAN CARLESS:
Ric Flair's retirement ceremony. I still can't leave the memories alone. But hey, they deserve it. Come on, memories! Learn to stick up for yourself a bit. Sheeesh.
 
That said, HBK and Flair was a GREAT moment. And who out there wouldn't want a similar retirement for themselves? You know, minus getting kicked in the face by a guy who secretly profresses his homosexual love for you as he does it? I'd just take my gold watch and stale piece of cake and get the fuck out in that case.
 
DEREK BURGAN: This award should be retired with the Ric Flair retirement ceremony on the RAW after WrestleMania. Nothing will ever top it and each and every single fan should remember that moment for we'll never see it again.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: If I were Chavo Guerrero, I'd probably say "WWE giving me more TV time~!" But, alas, I'm not Chavo. So what's 2008's unforeseen blessing? Chris Jericho, who, as WWE's savior, should officially change his name to Christ Jericho. Holy shit, how bad-ass. He'd change water to wine and call us hypocrites for imbibing while applauding CM Punk's straight-edge ways. Or something. I've got it about as thought out as a typical Creative team member would at the moment.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: I think Randy Orton and John Cena being simultaneously injured, and Triple H finally leaving Raw, allowed a few really deserving guys and also JBL to step up to the title picture on the A Show. That was a pretty good time. Of course everything's back to normal now, but you know, it was nice to see that, left with very few options, they didn't just throw the belt on Batista. For the whole time, anyway.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: I would have to give this one to THE ENTIRE JUNE 30 EPISODE OF RAW.  For the entire IWC, that should be a date etched on the inside of their skulls.  It's the date where CM Punk cashed in his Money in the Bank to get the World Heavyweight Championship, if you're a little slow.  So why did I choose the entire show?  Simple.  As soon as he got a hold of that title and JBL challenged for it, who honestly thought he was going to be lasting the night as champ?  Not a damn soul, that's who.  So, don't act like you weren't on the edge of your seat the whole match.  And THAT is what wrestling is all about.  Not only that, it was the night when all of the champions on Raw were relatively new (CM Punk and Mickie James were the only non-rookie champs), and it gave us hope.  Hope that WWE realized "Holy shit, maybe we should be pushing new people to the top?"  Yes, WWE.  Welcome to the party.  Probably three years too late.  Anyway, we know how well THAT direction turned out, but still, this one night, you got the thought you were seeing something new from the WWE, and if that doesn't make you scream to the heavens in praise, I just don't know what will.
 
JAMES SWIFT: Hearing about JBL getting KTFO by JOEY F'N STYLES is not only the best wrestling-related news of the year; it's probably one of the most joyous events of 2008 in general. Seriously, the first time I read about it, I instantaneously jumped out of my cubicle and started an "E-C-Dub" chant.and then I used a Sacajawea coin to purchase a celebratory soda.
 
SHANE STEELE: At first, it was only the jacket that I cared about. Then I heard the awesome promos. Then he got into the Scramble. Now I'm addicted to his entrance music ('Cuz I'm the man with the plan!). Hell, even Big Zeke is starting to grow on me. Simply put, The Brian Kendrick rocks.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: I don’t really have a winner for this category. This is more like “For the moment when Lady Luck gave us a lapdance… only to find out later that she was a dude.”
CM Punk winning the title was my “Holy Shit!” moment of the year, but like Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio before him, his reign turned into a joke very quickly.
Same deal with Triple H being drafted to SmackDown. At first it seemed like a genuinely unselfish move – Triple H leaves the company’s ‘A’ show to try and liven things up on SmackDown. Of course he was already champ, and Smackdown continues to suck. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Remember what Paul Heyman said to JBL at the first One Night Stand PPV?
“The only reason you were WWE Champion for a year is because HHH didn't want to work Tuesdays.”
Spooky.
 
NEIL CATHAN: Wrestling this year has mostly sucked, overall. It was, however, a hell of a year in wrestling as far as I'm concerned. I saw Pro Wrestling NOAH live, which meant I got to see Japanese legends Kobashi and Misawa clash. Really a once in a lifetime opportunity. Later that year, I stood in the Hart Dungeon. Being in the room where so many of the best in the business have learnt their craft was an immense experience. Finally, Ric Flair came to the UK for a Q&A session. I shook the hand of the greatest in the business, he signed my DVD, and he revealed during the Q&A that he's considered Japan's offer of a similar style retirement to the one he got in the west, listing a chance for matches with legends such as Muta and Chono. Holy shit!
 
NICOLE COOPER: CM Punk's World Heavyweight Championship win. It has nothing to do with the fact that I mark so hard for CM Punk that it's almost embarrassing (okay, I lied, that does have something to do with it), but it's because it was something that needed to be done. Badly. It was one of those moments where the first thing you did after it happened, aside from screaming in joy, was think to yourself "it's about damn time". Sure it was handled horribly after the win, but the win itself was perfect, and because of it, lead to another seriously great championship win for another man. We have CM Punk to thank for even more heel Jericho greatness, therefore, making this the biggest blessing this year.
 
GERSHON LEVY: If I hadn’t waited until the last minute to write this I would have given it to CM Punk, but instead WWE finally gave Jeff Hardy the belt he deserved for quite a while now.  Now please Jeff, don’t fuck it up!
 
ESBEN EVANS: Vince getting the fuck away from WWE programming. To be fair, I watch extremely little wrestling from the present day. It's sort of like I live in a Groundhog Day-like scenario where I relive WCW's rise and fall between 1995 and 2001 constantly…and…something, my train of thought just derailed, Bruce Willis was the only survivor. ANYWHO! Vince has this annoying habit where every time he's on TV he makes everything revolve around him, and I'm sure we'll see him again soon, but every minute with him gone is pure bliss…what the hell happened with that whole Vince getting crushed storyline though?


11)BURIED ALIVE. Most frustrating burial of the year.

Nominees: MVP, CM Punk, Scotty Goldman, Samoa Joe, Colin Delaney, Jimmy Wang Yang, Christian Cage, Curry Man, Rey Mysterio, Motor City Machine guns
 
SEAN CARLESS: Killer Kowalski. And HHH was even his pall bearer, too! Who better, though? I mean, how many guys has he buried in his life time? Some things just make sense. Pinning the corpse before lowering it into the hole? Not so much.
 
DEREK BURGAN: The worst part of CM Punk's championship run was that we already saw it happen with Rey Mysterio and it was just as aggravating. Granted, wrestling rarely learns from it's past, but booking a heavyweight champion like a goof = NO BUYS.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: MVP, who went from being my pick in the BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT SINCE FAKE TITTIES WERE INVENTED category, to losing every week for four months since August 29th. It's like Groundhog Day for the poor guy, and every day is unfortunately Friday. He heads to Smackdown, loses his match in under five minutes, and then he probably goes home and bathes with a toaster. Lather, rinse, repeat. Not what I expect from a guy named MVP, for fuck's sake. I remember reading a report somewhere that this losing streak is WWE's way of testing the guy to make sure the stars they invest lots of time, money, and effort in don't up and leave a la Brock and Choc Lesnar. Nevermind that MVP's not even a new wrestler or anything, and nevermind that guys like Evan Bourne and Jack Swagger didn't get losing streak storylines at all. I can only imagine MVP asking Vince why he's losing every week, and each week he gets stupid answers like, "It... uh... builds character!" or "Didn't you hear? Losing decreases wrinkles!" Either way, enough of the losses, and push MVP to a respectable position on Smackdown already! Lord knows he earned it after his feud with Matt Hardy last year.
 
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Speaking of June 30, CM PUNK has had quite the summer, no?  He goes and wins the World Title and looks good-ish by the end of the show.  And...that was it.  Silly of us to think that WWE was going to be pushing the guy, you know, with him winning the WORLD FUCKING TITLE and everything.  Nope, let's book his reign like Rey Mysterio's on crack!  So where is Punker now, as a result?  Where indeed:
 
- After losing his title at Unforgiven and losing his rematch in the Raw opener a week later, hasn't even sniffed the title scene since
- Acted like winning the tag titles was just as important as winning the World Title.  Fun fact:  it wasn't
- Entered into the #1 Contender's tournament for the World Title, where he will most likely be completely obliterated in the first round
- Probably will get an IC Title reign, a title WWE only cares about when there's a DVD coming out about it
 
Whoa there, glad to see that reign made him such a superstar!  Seriously, it's the definition of frustrating, because you would think this would be a no-brainer.  He gets over with the younger crowd, a good message being sent out there with the straight-edge lifestyle (especially when guys are getting clipped left and right from the gas), and puts on decent matches consistently.  So what do they do?  Have him be a jobber magnifico, only to get ahead when the original guy gets busted.  Jeff Hardy says hi(gh).  And all this because he won't have a beer backstage.  Oh well, at least he's consistent.  He sucked at the beginning of the year, and he sucks at the end of the year too.
 
JAMES SWIFT: What was I saying earlier about ROH graduates in TNA? Putting them on the backburner while placing Kevin Nash in the main event scene is like trading in one of the hoover-boards from Back To The Future 2 for a pogo stick.a pogo stick with only one handle.that also gives you AIDS.
 
SHANE STEELE: I'll bet WWE was thinking "Hm, how can we totally shit on this guy?" when they first saw Scotty Goldman (better known as Colt Cabana). Needl ess to say, the comic panel tights helped to do that. Gotta give the man props, though, for his little bit with The Great Khali bag puppet.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: Mike Adamle.
No, seriously, Mike Adamle.
 
Think about it. Here is a man who has 30 years of experience as an announcer. He has called everything from NFL games and the Olympics (!) to their retarded inbred cousins American Gladiators and WWE. The guy knows his stuff. So take a credible announcer and place him in the middle of an industry that’s unlike anything else in the world. Then, after a few months of trying (and you gotta admit, Adamle at least TRIED), that industry, despite all its flaws and general insanity, has the balls to say Adamle is no good. Rather than help the guy out, they give him more exposure, KNOWING he is out of his depth. This causes Adamle to continuously make a fool of himself, which in turn pisses off a lot of fans who stop tuning in. And after several months of this, they finally cut him loose, but blame HIM for screwing up, when in fact they are the ones at fault.
 
Now I ask you, is that fair? It’s like taking the 100m sprint champion and putting him in a marathon. Then when the sprinter starts running out of breath, he’s shunned because he’s “not a good runner”. Adamle is a decent announcer. Despite his incessant screw ups he had flashes of brilliance on the mic. But he’s not the kind of announcer that would thrive at WWE. But instead of simply cutting their losses, WWE buries Adamle. I’ve said it once, I will say it again: motherless fucks.
 
NEIL CATHAN: As a fan of both Joe and Punk, I was ecstatic when they on their belts. The way both title runs have been treated however, left a deeply sour taste in my mouth. Whether it was Punk looking like a useless spaz against Batista on the basis that Batista is bigger, before losing his title without wrestling, or Joe, the badass monster, not winning any one on one PPV matches without some form of assist. Devalued both titles, and the great workers holding them.
 
NICOLE COOPER: Perhaps the worst burial in the past five years or so, and without a doubt the most frustrating burial of the year has to go to MVP. The logic behind the burial is perhaps even worse than the actual burial itself. "Hey, let's see if MVP, one of the most talented guys we have, really wants a job here! How can we do that? Oh, I know! We'll make him lost EVERY SINGLE MATCH he has, and if he doesn't quit, then he wants to be here!" Does it sound fucking moronic? Good, because it is. Clearly, MVP isn't going to quit. He'd be on Don West idiocy levels if walked away from whatever money he is getting right now. It's hard to watch though. Why can't things like this ever happen to people who deserve it. I'm looking at you Kelly Kelly.
 
GERSHON LEVY: When CM Punk won the title this year, I knew his title reign would go like most other guys not named Cena/HHH/Batista.  But what was really irritating is the fact he lost the title and didn’t even wrestle in the match where he lost it.
 
ESBEN EVANS: A tie between CM Punk and Scotty Goldman. On one hand, we have Punk who wins the title, only to get the Rey Mysterio treatment and the get shuffled down the card quicker than MVP after a bad joke. But on the other hand, we have one of the most talented, charismatic wrestlers since Chris Jericho and The Rock, who is being used as nothing more than a jobber because the crack WWE creative team doesn't care for his looks…WHAT THE FUCK! No joke here, just…COME ON!


12)SO GREEN, HE/SHE'S BROWN. (get out of the ring before you hurt someone...unless it's yourself, then it's OK)

Nominees: Candice Michelle, the Bella twins, Batista, The Great Khali, Mark Henry, Mr. Kennedy, Ricky Ortiz, Armando Estrada, Vladimir Koslov
 
SEAN CARLESS: Candice Michelle. Apparently in the last 2 years, someone shot her with that fucking De-Evolution gun from the Super Mario Bros. movie. Only instead of turning into a fucking mushroom, she's become a really shitty wrestler. Close enough.
 
Special nod of the banana republic sun-hat to to Armando Estrada; who himself amended Teddy Long's original mandate and ushered in ECW's first ever "No Talent Initiative".
 
DEREK BURGAN: Has anyone wrestler, male or female, actually regressed faster than Candace Michelle? I think it speaks volumes when any of the wrestlers on Hogan's Championship Wrestling could have a better looking match after only two weeks of training (by Brian Knobbs and Brutus Beefcake to boot!)
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: Which Diva is green and brown and crap all over? We'd probably spend all night naming names, so let me bring up the name of CANDICE MICHELLE. Candice defied logic this year by returning to Raw a worse wrestler than she was before she went down with an injury, and that's just absolutely mindboggling. Her return match, which was thankfully on an edition of RAW IS TAPED, was heavily edited, and watching the raw (pun~!) footage is embarrassing for everyone. Allow me to be the harsh yet realistic one here and say YOUR BEST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH~! It's called wrestling school. For the love of God, attend some classes.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: Ricky Ortiz, because he's literally brown! Get it, because I'm a vehement racist.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Unfortunately, I don't have an official source to cite on this one, but when the doctor's operated on CANDICE MICHELLE's injured clavicle, they accidentally excised any and all ring talent she had too.  Honest mistake, must look like a malignant tumor when it's on a WWE Diva.  Recall her return match (her real one, not early in the year when she was on like one show before getting injured again) on Raw.  That week, the show was taped.  Lucky for her, because, feast your eyes:
 
 
Boy, something about the end of that match didn't seem right.  What could it be?  Let's watch that last part, without the aid of STUDIO MAGIC:
 
 
Dear Lord.  No amount of editing in the world could cover that catastrophe up.  I assume they also edited out the first few rows committing suicide as a result of this catastrofuck.  Luckily, WWE was quick to take notice and subsequently wiped her out of existence.  Still, anyone getting near her better have a bed booked at the local medical facility, just in case...
 
JAMES SWIFT: I'm going to catch a lot of shit for this one, but I didn't sign on to this website to make friends (or get thrown out of my home, or break up with my girlfriend, or burn every bridge I've ever had with my family, but it has!) I'm going to nominate CM Punk, whose inability to rip-off KENTA has lead to the breaking of sundry faces over the last 365 days. At this rate, CM Punk is going to put more guys out of action than quad tears, wellness violations and Kevin Sullivan booking combined.
 
SHANE STEELE: I remember watching the Batista-Umaga match at Wrestlemania and laughing my ass off when Batista botched the finish. And when he stumbled on his way up the turnbuckle that one time on RAW. OK, Batista botches a lot. At least it's funny.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: Mike Adamle (see #11).
As a side-note, it’s good to see my pick from last year for this award, the Great Khali, has kept his lanky ass away from the ring as much as possible… only to start making out with fat chicks instead. (sigh) It never ends.
 
NEIL CATHAN: Well, Candice Michelle already hurts herself in the ring on a regular basis, so I guess this'll go to the Great Khali. Personally, I'm a fan of his though. He's got a killer flapjack.
 
NICOLE COOPER: Speaking of Kelly Kelly. This girl should be required to come down to the ring with caution signs glued all over her. Just because she can do some cool looking flips and jumps, doesn't mean she's actually improved in the ring. On the contrary. It actually means that she thinks she's ready for all of this, which means that you're chances of walking out of a Kelly Kelly match without any sort of injury or pain, get lower with every unnecessary back handspring that she pulls out of her ass.
 
GERSHON LEVY: I still don’t trust Mark Henry in a ring, and yet he still has a job.  Let’s give him a big hand!  Wow how old was that stupid angle?
 
ESBEN EVANS: Candice Michelle. She went from green, to a more blue-ish tint, back to green again just because of one injury…that's dedication. It's not easy being green indeed.


13)THE OWEN HART MEMORIAL WORST "HOOK-UP" AWARD (For worst Wrestling Couple, Real or Scripted)
Nominees: Edge and Vickie Guerrero, Maria and Festus, McCool and The Undertaker, Paul Burchill and Katie Lea, Chavo & Bam Neeley, CM Punk and Kofi Kingston, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon, Michael Cole and well, anyone.
 
SEAN CARLESS: Maria & Festus? Nah. Once Britney & K-Fed hooked up, I never again looked at another hottie retard/ drooling hillbilly love-match with judging eyes.
 
Batista & Kelly Kelly? I'm more disturbed at how head is possible with those teeth of Kelly's (have you ever seen a log in a beaver's dam?); or just how Kelly can get past the disgusting shar-pei like texture of Batista's skull. I mean, come on. Dude's with heads like Scrotum getting top-shelf ass? What's up with that?
 
But still, both are not enough to nail it for me.
 
So, that leaves Taker & Michelle McCool. A partnership that actually makes sense--A zombie would want a mate who looks like a corpse, after all.
 
All I know is, by proxy of this, it proves that Undertaker's actual mortuary credibility is not to be trusted. Seriously. Michelle, while pretty on a fundamental level, still looks like she's decomposing.  So it looks like Kane isn't the only necrophiliac in the Fam. So, ya, that's my pick. And I still wouldn't trust Taker on the slab with a loved one any time soon. Things will become abundantly clear the moment you find a discarded condom stuck to Grandma's funeral dress during the wake. Trust me.
 
DEREK BURGAN: Batista and Kelly Kelly? BATISTA AND KELLY KELLY?
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: Maria and Festus, who are in the most awkward crush storyline since Miss Elizabeth and George "The Animal" Steele. I think that's what WWE's going for, too, sans Macho Man. Unless Macho Man ends up being Jesse or something. I have a question. Considering the ironic way in which Maria gained a couple hundred IQ points, would Festus have to pose naked in Playgirl Magazine to snap out of his catatonic schizophrenia? Enjoy that visual. If nothing else, at least we get to look forward to the awesome wedding pictures, right? Speaking of weddings, a Festus wedding is one I wouldn't mind seeing if, and only if, Miz and Morrison bring wedding bells. It'd be awesome, but only for about thirty seconds.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: Michelle McCool and Undertaker, due to the fact that none of the other nominees had an entire championship belt made just for them. It's good to see Michelle is finally being rewarded for all her hard work doing, um, something?  Other than Taker.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: MARIA AND FESTUS.  It's a totally believable relationship, you know.  Hot Playboy-quality women date schizophrenic retards all the time!  They just pay a one-time fee of $2,000 and get her a green card first.
 
JAMES SWIFT: The mere thought of Uncle Taker and Michelle McCool engaged in coitus is enough to make me want to attempt that "touch that removes" eye gauge that Jennifer Lopez was talking about in "Gigli". Yeah, I saw "Gigli". Fuck you.
 
SHANE STEELE: Edge cheats on Vickie with random black woman. Random black woman interferes in one match. Random black woman disappears, then turns up with a dancing British man. Yeah.....
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: For the second year running: Edge and Vickie Guerrero. Edge is a brilliant worker on his own, and the fact that he has to have Vickie appear with him in every fucking scene / promo etc. shits me to no end.
Special mention goes to Maria / Festus (please, just… don’t) and Paul Burchill / Katie Lea. They’re so plain that I almost (repeat, ALMOST) want them to finally go ahead with their heavily rumored incest angle.
 
NEIL CATHAN: Being a fan of the Brit indy scene, I was so happy when I found out that both Burchill and Katie Lea had been called up to RAW. Then it turned out that Vince thinks Britan=Texas. True story actually. He used to have Booker T lose everytime he came over here. The incestuous Brits tie with Edge and Vickie Guerrero for this award. I just think Vikie'd be better suited with Christian. Back when she was in the wheelchair at least. The catchphrase "That's how we roll." Anything with catchphrase potential is Justin Credible.
 
NICOLE COOPER: Edge and Vickie Guerrero have provided me with countless amounts of entertainment from the days of Crazy Edge. Those were perhaps some of the best promos Edge has ever cut. Despite what he has done to attempt to make this pairing watchable, that bitch Vickie has to ruin it. It's just not a believable pairing. Not to mention, if I remember correctly, they weren't exactly on the best of terms when Edge was taken out of action. It's just been going on for too long, and Edge doesn't need to be straddled with anyone else because he is more than capable of handling himself. Plus, the less Vickie Guerrero, the better.

GERSHON LEVY: I don’t think this one made the list of nominees, but I am going with Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.  Regardless of your opinion of JR and Lawler, they were always the standard for Raw.  Michael Cole is the suckiest there’s been, the suckiest there is, and the suckiest that ever will be.  Honestly this award could go to Michael Cole and anyone.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Cole & Coach. HA! I completely forgot that this was this year. Seems like forever since Coach left for a job that didn't involve getting humiliated frequently on TV…sure he's still probably humiliated frequently, but privately, and that makes aaaall the difference, at least that's what he tells himself every night before crying himself to sleep…oh, right, and that teaming between Cole & Coach sucked.


14)THE SHOCKY. Best blooper of the year, (named in honor of Shockmaster, of course).

Nominees: The Referee fucks up the Matt Hardy/ Miz & Morrison finish, Steph fucking up her lines and saying she pulled an Adamle, Batista botching his finisher on countless occasions, Mike Adamle's entire WWE Year, WWE Fans celebrate Undertaker';s title win at Wrestlemania on fire, Vince McMahon vs. Telephone
 
SEAN CARLESS: I liked the "blooper" where all those people at Wrestlemania 24 got burned alive by Pyro. WRESTLEMANIA: WHERE MEMORIES ARE INDELIABLY ETCHED IN THE ANNALS OF TIME...then only removed by a series of complicated skin-grafts.
 
DEREK BURGAN: I only hope this award can come with a YouTube best-of montage for Mike Adamle. Forgetting your lines on your last show, and it's your last show because YOU COULD NEVER REMEMBER  YOUR LINES, was classic. Adamle holding his own cue cards and still constantly fucking up will be spoken of for generations to come, much like those of us who had to witness the Gobbeldy Gooker come out of that fucking egg.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: What's more shocking than a guy in the crowd nearly getting roasted at Wrestlemania 24 by celebratory pyrotechnics? "YEAAAAAAHHHH, UNDERTAKERRRR, UNDERRRTAAA--- GAAAAAAHHHHHHHH IT BURNS!!!" Even more shocking is that, instead of maybe ripping off their t-shirts to help put out the fire, everyone whips out their cellular phones and starts recording this guy's misery to upload to YouTube. What idiots. Don't they know that they could've made a small profit by selling the video to TMZ or something? Then Marc Mero and Debra could've had something productive to do this year when word got out to that bitch Nancy Grace~! "Nancy, I have a list here of over 50 fans who died of pyrotechnical accidents before the age of 45!111" Oh, Catherine, you're always thinking about the good of the many! Awww, thanks, random reader!
 
ANTHONY DEAN: I'm gonna go ahead and say that stray pyro shooting off into the crowd and burning a score of people at the biggest show of the year turns the corner from being a "blooper" a few skin grafts back. My vote goes to a referee being dumb enough to count a pinfall after a fucking Side Effect. Matt Hardy wins few enough matches as it is, and you think he's going to pick up one with the FUCKING Side Effect? Come on, use your head.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: The only drawback to having a year chock-full of ridiculousness is that you can only choose one for this category.  So, let's go with MIKE ADAMLE'S FIRST NIGHT AS ECW ANNOUNCER.  Jamaican me crazy?  Uno dos adios?  Looks like Tarzan, hits like Jane?  Bloopers usually last a matter of moments.  A minute, at the most.  Mike Adamle, that night, was an hour long blooper reel.  That's enough for this award for me.  God speed, Mike Adamle, you ridiculous bastard.
 
 
JAMES SWIFT: Without question, the best unintentional comedy of the year involved the TNA camera crew catching Don West and Mike Tenay reading the script on an episode of impact! How they didn't, I don't know.EDIT it out before the airing is one of those things that only TNA can achieve. I'm just amazed that Russo can print so legibly with Crayola.
 
SHANE STEELE: We all know the Side Effect never wins a match. So who's fault was it really? Wes Adams for not stopping the count? Miz for missing his cue? Henry, Hardy, or Morrison for not realizing something was wrong and breaking it up? Like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop, the world may never know. Still, it was funny to see Mizark boot the shit out of The Miz after the match 'cause he was so pissed.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD:So the pyro cables come undone at WM24 and fireworks land in the audience. I find it funny that among other things, WWE uses Wrestlemania to try and milk some exposure through several news services. And they did… for all the wrong reasons. Lucky it didn’t happen back in the late 90s when just about every space of the crowd used to be taken up by signage. Even Kane would have winced.
 
NEIL CATHAN: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRYy0vCjb5o Mike Adamle's entire WWE Career. Jamaican' me CRAZY! Mike Adamle had the unintentional comedy factor of a terrible movie, and the fact that it was acknowledged to the point that making a mistake was called "Doing an Adamle" rules.
 
NICOLE COOPER: The blooper of the year? This one is easy. Mike Adamle. Did that man do anything this year that wasn't considered to be an "epic failure" or a "major fuck up"? All the way back to the days of Jeff Harvey, going past the Undertaker getting BIZZAY~1!!1!, all the way up to Jamaican Me Crazy, every single thing this man has done this year has been a blooper. Mike Adamle, the single greatest Adamle Original you have ever presented to me was your retirement. Jamaican me really glad that you no longer have a job.
 
GERSHON LEVY: I had to put this one in here somewhere.  When Jeff Hardy was found unconscious and the news story was picked up by a couple of media outlets, suddenly there was this massive scare amongst a lot of wrestling fans wondering if it was true or not.  Don’t you just love how WWE only hits the mainstream media when something happens that just gets them ridiculed anyway?
 
ESBEN EVANS: Vince McMahon got rickrolled…how come no one mentioned THAT during nominations? What's that? OH, right! Because of the lights going out ON THE BIGGEST PAY-PER-VIEW EVENT OF THE YEAR!!! AND IT WAS DURING SNOOP DOGG'S APPEARANCE! LOOOOOUD NOISES!


15)MR. KENNEDY "CLOWN-SHOES' AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF RIDICULOUSNESS. (wrestler who fucks up, gets injured, or just plain has terrible luck one way or another)

Nominees:  Chris Harris, the TNA "Frontline", Mr. Kennedy, Hornswoggle, William Regal, Mike Adamle's entire WWE Year, MVP, Jeff Hardy, DH Smith, Batista
 
SEAN CARLESS: You can't really go wrong with Mr. Kennedy himself. I mean, even Ahmed Johnson--this category's original namesake-- would be saying gmpfghkldfddggnhfnm gehjgkkkkk at the plight of Ken--but mostly because he is completely unintelligible.
 
And this is the guy giving MVP kayfabe advice on Smackdown? THIS GUY? The guy's WWE's version of fucking Nordberg from Naked Gun. Holy shit. I have 20 year old GI Joe figures in better shape and with more endurable appendages than Mr. Kennedy. He totally wishes he was Zartan. (although, maybe if he was more like him, he could just blend into the wall every time Dr. Black comes in with the piss test...).
 
But hey, I can't knock Ken too much. He *did* get to make a movie that I'll be picking up very soon in that Wal-Mart discount bin filled with Howie Long's Firestorm and Jeff Fahey's "Sketch Artist 2: Hands that see". I have to give him that. It'll be the best 2 dollars I ever spent on something impossibly worthless. Jesus Christ. Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia? What, was fucking "Missing In Action: 37: we can't even get Chuck Norris anymore...and he's doing nothing" already casted?
 
DEREK BURGAN:  Mike Adamle with the back to back win here as I can't remember one moment where he didn't fuck up. When you make Todd Grisham look and sound like Jim Ross,  you've certainly accomplished the impossible.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: Who better than Mr. Kennedy himself? KAZ, that's who! To make your big comeback to TNA from an injury as a masked man called Suicide and then suddenly reinjure yourself, well, it's like he was asking for it. The Suicide costume, it's like Kenny's orange parka from South Park. Remember that Cripple Fight episode when Timmy gave a parka to Jimmy and suddenly airplanes and cars and whatnot were nearly crashing into Jimmy as he walked home? If the Cripple Fight's any indication, Suicide vs. Jeff Jarrett should be pretty brutal, if it ever comes about. Speaking of Suicide, by the way, I really was hoping his gimmick would include trying to off himself on a weekly basis... like Tim White, only much more tasteless. Admit it, you'd love it~!
 
ANTHONY DEAN: I'll give this award to its new namesake (when you've bested Ahmed Johnson in the vaunted field of Ridiculousness in Wrestling, you know something's wrong) and say Mr. Kennedy, who spent 2008 filming a straight-to-DVD movie and winding up on injury reserve yet again, AND THAT'S IT. That was his year.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: One thing springs to mind when I think of this category.  "Knock knock.  Who's there?  BRADEN WALKER, and I'm gonna make you watch some of the worst TV you've ever seen."  Well, for about 2 weeks before getting his sorry ass canned anyway.  Oh wildcat, could you have possibly given less of a shit about your job?  I honestly wish I could say more about this douche, but how much material can you get when he's on for only a couple weeks? 
 
JAMES SWIFT: Who's had the worst luck this year? Japanese wrestling fans, by far. Companies are going under left and right, inane booking is keeping the best and brightest out of the spotlight, NOAH just lost it's TV deal, and just when you think there's a saving grace in Kenta Kobashi.he breaks his arm and is out indefinitely. It hasn't sucked this much to be Japanese since 1945.
 
SHANE STEELE: Who would've thought urine testers were such powerful and influential individuals? Well, MVP sure knows now. Good luck rebounding after losing to James Mason and his God-awful tights.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: If you asked me a month ago, I would have said Jeff Hardy. In March his house burns down. Then he loses his spot in the Money in the Bank match after breaching the wellness policy. He then comes back into the championship fray, until he’s refused entry onto a plane due to intoxication. Later he gets a title shot at Survivor Series – until he’s “found unconscious” in a hotel stairwell. But all his fuckups are cancelled out, as he puts on a great match with Triple H and Edge to win the WWE Championship.
 
So my vote goes to William Regal. Getting suspended under WWE’s half-assed wellness policy alone gets you a PhD in the field of ridiculousness. The fact that it came after he won King of the Ring AND retained his spot as RAW General Manager makes him the recipient of this year’s Knob-el Prize.
 
NEIL CATHAN: Mr. Kennedy getting injured just as he was really starting to take off AGAIN. Poor bastard's kryptonite is success. Here's hoping that when he returns, he's not particularly popular or good, for the sake of his health.
 
NICOLE COOPER: Might as well just pass this one over to the guy it was named after to begin with. Of course, the guy gets injured, that goes without saying. This is Mr. Kennedy we're talking about, after all. Then, he takes some time off to film a movie for WWE. Upon his return, he comes back with what could be the most horrifying facial hair I've seen on a pro wrestler in a long time, and with nothing else to do aside from shill out his new shitty movie. Turns out, none of the WWE fans care about this movie, or Mr. Kennedy anymore. So what do you do when that happens? Interview WWE fans about the election, of course!!!! Yeah, that didn't work out either. Mr. Kennedy, you either need to borrow some DNA from Matt Morgan, or just quit while you're so far behind in luck.
 
GERSHON LEVY: No one was more ridiculous this year than Mike Adamle.  When he joined WWE, I found it slightly amusing since he’s the former announcer from American Gladiators and Hulk Hogan was starring on the revamped version.  But his week to week debacles really fall under the category of “what was WWE thinking?”  Then again that category has an awful lot of entries.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Mr. Kennedy. There's a reason that this category has been renamed…he's been suspended, injured, and away to shoot a crappy straight to DVD movie, to the extent that I almost always forget that he even exists…he's been on the verge of breaking through to the top tier too many times to count, but he always manages to fuck it up for some reason. He's like a new Jeff Hardy…WWE, never hire a guy who use the Swanton as a finisher again…just saying…


16)DON'T GO AWAY MAD...JUST GO AWAY. (For wrestler or TV wrestling personality you'd most want GONE from Wrestling)

Nominees: John Cena, Batista, Mark Henry, Chavo Guerrero, The Big Show, Kurt Angle, Sting, Vince Russo, Hornswoggle, Kute Kip James, JBL, The Great Khali, Dolph Ziggler, D-Generation X, Stephanie McMahon, Bob Holly, Vickie Guerrero
 
SEAN CARLESS: My answer will be the same for the rest of time, so I'll just C&P it: I don't think I'd lose too much sleep if Russo, Mantel and Jarrett all found themselves on the losing end of a "reverse employment match". They can then follow that up with a "reverse pulse match". I'd be pretty revserse upset if this all happened.
 
Holy fuck. Only in wrestling would they keep around and reward the same people that already killed another wrestling company with their same ideas and ineptness. That'd be like giving the dude who captained the fucking Titanic another ship and a pay raise. "Good luck, Captain! What's the worst that could happen out there!" 
 
DEREK BURGAN: Stephanie McMahon is like those "parody" movies Hollywood keeps putting out. The commercials always make them seem funny, but it's not until you watch them do you realize how much you hated the last parody movie and why you swore to never watch them again.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: The Great Khali makes me feel like all I have to look forward to in my love life is a giant lummox with a protruding chin, a terrible grasp of the English language, a muttonchopped handler, and a strange penchant for fat girls. And I refuse to think that my dream of marrying a guy like, say, Edge will ever come true just because I've got more cushion for the pushin' or whatever you hip kids say these days. Vickie's got Edge, for fuck's sake! I know there's still hope for me. Therefore, Khali, get the fuck off my TV screen before a "Fat Chicks Love Khali" t-shirt is unleashed onto the unsuspecting public! Then I'd have to file a class action lawsuit for slander and libel and other such things.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: I don't really know who to name here, now that nobody's favorite anything SNITSKY is finally gone. That prayer was on hold for about four years there but I guess it finally got through. Would wishing away "Kissing" Khali or "Raping" Kane be getting too greedy? Either of those would be nice, but seriously, after such a wonderful gift of seeing Snitsky get future endeavored, I can't even work up the nerve to ask for it. Oh, wait, nevermind, I almost forgot about BAM NEELY. Yeah, him.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Oh man, this one is such a no-brainer for me.  HORNSWOGGLE.  I imagine I am a little biased on this one, because I have to recap this fucker nearly every week.  But really, what does this guy bring to the table?  He's a midget, and is employed solely for that reason.  Midgets = funny, don'cha know.  Next, how old is he supposed to be?  WWE sure as hell doesn't know.  If he's supposed to be a kid, why does he have a beard and a tongue stud?  If he's supposed to be older, how come he can't speak a lick of English (or any language, for that matter)?  If I had to guess, he's just a guy that had mother nature attack him with an egg beater while he was chilling out in Mrs. Finlay's uterus.  So, not only is he a midget, he probably forgot a chromosome or two on the way into life.  Unfortunate.  Shall I get flowery with my language?  OK, he is a cacophonous conundrum of creditless catastrophe.  A vertically challenged muted-mutation of fuzzy un-youth.  THAT is how much I hate this guy, he makes me regress back to the 17th century!  I can honestly say that were he to be caught in a burning building, I would laugh.  A bit harsh, but them's the breaks.
 
JAMES SWIFT: The only place Mike Adamle should be present on a TV screen is during antiquated reruns of American Gladiators. That, or via the Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer treatment.
 
SHANE STEELE: Although his ability to keep coming back is impressive (how many times has The Undertaker killed this guy?), I really wish I didn't have to see Chavo's badger-like face anymore.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: For the second year running, Vickie Guerrero (see #8) followed VERY closely by Hornswoggle. Sure, he gets the kids excited, but so does R-Truth’s rapping – and both are fucking stupid.
Special mentions go to Chavo Guerrero (see last year’s entry), JBL and Booker T’s fluctuating African accent. Seriously, it comes and goes for no fucking reason.
 
BOOKER: (cock eyed and speaking in that fucking irritating accent) In my country, the lion is the king of the jungle.
SIXXTH CHILD: There aren’t any lions in Houston, Booker.
BOOKER: Reeeeespeeeeeect!
(SIXXTH CHILD smacks BOOKER in the face with a shovel)
 
NEIL CATHAN: The Russo, Mantell, Jarrett booking team. When crowds chant for someone to be fired, it is not a sign of a job well done, TNA. I'm guessing Russo's telling everyone that he turned around the ship, like he did in WCW. There's a part of me that's convinced that he's only working for the company because someone there has a hard-on for 'Death of WCW' by Reynolds and Alvarez, and wants to see how many of the mistakes in that book they can make.
 
NICOLE COOPER: Sting or Kip James? Dammit, this has to be the hardest category of the year. It's like asking if I would rather be stabbed in the stomach or the heart. Or not. Whatever, really. I guess I'll have to go with Sting for this one. Hear me out though, I have my reasons. Unfortunately though, I lose all my humor when I talk about Sting. I apologize in advance for your impending suffering. Sting, being the age that he was when he came to TNA, should have been playing the role of a glorified Mick Foley, so to speak. You know, putting the younger guys over all while actually winning some of his matches. Turns out, he didn't do that. Actually, he did the exact opposite. To add onto that, he seems to have such a problem turning heel, that he flat out refuses to and changes the promos he gives to make himself the ONLY face in a totally heel stable. If you can't share the spotlight with the new guys, you simply shouldn't be around anymore. It's as simple as that.
 
GERSHON LEVY: You know, of the nominees listed I could really do without DX anymore.  Every time they appear, it’s as cheap an attempt for a pop as Mick Foley saying the name of the town they’re in.  Actually it’s as cheap a pop as a can of soda that says “lemon lime” or “cola”.  Oh I know!  It’s as cheap a pop as the prostitute who takes quarters (which is nice to know I have a use for quarters other than laundry).
 
ESBEN EVANS: John Cena. The sad thing about him being that I actually sort of like him as a wrestler, but they can't seem to book him in any other way than the one we've seen ever since winning his first World Title, overcoming the odds my ASS!


17)WHO'S "NECKS-T"? (Award for wrestler most likely to get injured)

Nominees: Mr. Kennedy, Jeff Hardy, Rey Mysterio, Great Khali, Ricky Ortiz, Michael Cole, Mark Henry, Edge, Candice Michelle, Kevin Nash,
 
SEAN CARLESS: Kevin Nash. AGAIN. You know, the guy that has the rare medical calamity which sees his heart and limbs suddenly falter at the behest of the complicated medical trigger known as "jobbing"?  Although, strangely, this year, he's been 100% healthy since not losing a single match. MODERN MEDICINE AT WORK~!
 
DEREK BURGAN: Whichever Diva is wrestling Candace Michelle next. Walking to the ring for a match against her should be filmed like that time when Vince McMahon walked past the crew before his limo blew up. Some of them should even be crying at the possibility of losing a loved one (I'm looking in your direction Batista).
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: Now that Kevin Nash is wrestling again, it's only a matter of time before his entire torso explodes after hitting the mat. Powder will fall all over the iMPACT Zone, and it'll be Christmas all over again. Then TNA can sign Ashley Massaro to be Fake Diesel II or something. They can use her old porn music, too. It'll be fantastic, only the complete opposite. That being said, I pick Mr. Kennedy, but only because he beat Nash in the race for injury supremacy this year... and because I never remember his injuries, so I might as well acknowledge the latest one before I forget again.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: Kevin Nash, now that, after being on a real hot streak for a while and winning many matches as part of the Main Event Mafia, the time for him to start putting people over is getting near.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Hm.  I will readily admit that this category is a tough one for me.  I'm going to go with JEFF HARDY though.  Don't let his recent title win fool you, dude's one fuck-up from taking a surprisingly non-wellness induced vacation.  And you KNOW he's going to amp it up to prove to the higher ups that he deserves to hold onto the title.  Hardy in a neck brace in 2009, bank on it.
 
JAMES SWIFT: John Cena. The guy is the proverbial Phoenix, rising from the ashes only to get his Achilles tendon snapped during a pedestrian hiptoss. So yeah, I really don't know much about mythology.
 
SHANE STEELE: If Mr. Kennedy's going to get injured again, please let him hurt his chin so I won't have to see his freakish goatee anymore. Damn, that thing jumps out at you.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: I’m not sure why Ricky Ortiz, Michael Cole and Jack Swagger are on this list. I thought it was the wrestler MOST LIKELY to get injured, not the wrestling personality YOU’D MOST LIKE to get injured.
Seeing as Jeff Hardy apparently gets himself injured at his hotel, I’d say he’s up for a spill in the ring soon (especially now that he’s in the Heavyweight Championship bracket). I >really< don’t want that to happen, but when you do swanton bombs for a living, what do you expect?
 
NEIL CATHAN: Jeff Hardy. Especially now that he's champ (finally!), Trips is even more interested in burying him than he was before (Got to get those all important 17 world title runs!). I predict either blunt force trauma from all the dirt, or suffocation. Either way, the future isn't too bright for Jeff.
 
NICOLE COOPER: Judging by recent activities alone, this award is going to Frankie Kazarian. 2008 was set to be a pretty good year for Kaz as he was in some pretty high profile matches, and even got some title shots. That was of course, until he got injured. The TNA video game comes out and we are all introduced (or at least the 5 of us who purchased the game) to Suicide, the most ridiculous fake wrestler ever, but I won't get started on that one. Suicide becomes a real wrestler, who is played by Kaz, until, yeah, you guessed it, Kaz gets injured again. As it turns out, Suicide is a perfect name for Kaz right now considering that is the exact direction his career is heading in.
 
GERSHON LEVY: I think all of the nominees were injured at some time this year it seems.  I’m going to say Jeff Hardy because I have this gut feeling he’s not going to screw up this title run on his own, but is going to have the tablecloth pulled from under him.  Wait, is that the expression?  All I can think of is Bill Murray in “Ghostbusters” saying “the flowers are still standing!”
 
ESBEN EVANS: Mr. Kennedy. I mentioned it before, but I think there's a pretty good chance that he'll get injured as soon as they start to build him up again. The dreaded curse of the Swanton, the only way to break it is to return every ounce of weed that you stole from the Isla de Muerta.



18)"EVEN WE'RE EMBARRASSED TO BE FANS. US!" (event or angle that is so terrible or tasteless, even we don't approve).
Nominees: Anything pointless or ridiculous.
 
SEAN CARLESS: Barack Obama vs. Hilary Clinton on RAW right after the ACTUAL REAl-LIFE VERSIONS put over their product was pretty mind numbing. You know, while not even lampooning John McCain at all. That doesn't even make sense! I mean, Vince would clearly never consciously show that kind of favortism, right? He'd never blindly support someone like McCain, right? I mean, it's not like he could personally relate to somebody who accomplished his greatest feats decades ago, and who's now perpetually angry, out of touch and insane; and a man who's subsequent female successor is a vapidly retarded woman whose sole appeal to most is that she's somewhat fuckable, despite the fact that she's insanely talentless and unqualified for her job. WHAT WOULD HE EVEN HAVE IN COMMON WITH THIS MAN? Ahem.
 
DEREK BURGAN: Mike Adamle replacing Joey Styles on ECW and proceeding to tell Styles that Joey has big shoes to fill.  Not that the grave was already pissed on, but hardcore ECW fans had the corpse dug up, fucked by Bertha Faye, covered in horse manure, and then burned before being buried again.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: As embarrassed as I am at TNA for naming one of their wrestlers Suicide while employing a man by the name of Homicide after what happened in mid-2007-- though I'm thankful that neither of them have adopted the Crossface into their move sets-- Million Dollar Mania brought out the absolute worst in pro wrestling this year. It was a sad, desperate attempt to bring in casual viewers, and it failed in every way imaginable. So people tuned into the first five minutes or so, in which Vince gave out the winning password, and they then tuned out for the night. It was absolutely stupid of WWE to not at least change the password every half hour or so, or at least ask a fucking trivia question. Not even "what's the square root of onion"! And I squirmed in my seat when Vince donned the grandpa glasses and struggled to read the phone numbers on his cards. Then he got Rick Rolled twice, which was arguably the highlight of the entire giveaway. It was so embarrassing, even the Million Dollar Mania set called it a night and collapsed all over Vince. So let's just remember that Million Dollar Mania caused nothing but heartache and numbing in the legs. Oh, and it also caused Triple H to nearly die of a panic attack because Vince hadn't yet signed the revised will. "Vince! It's gonna be okay! Now if you'll just scribble your name right next to that X..."
 
ANTHONY DEAN: I'll say the whole Million Dollar Mania debacle, where Vince for some reason thought yet another corporate million dollar sweepstakes was just what the dormant masses were waiting for to finally get back into watching wrestling. Even if some idiot fucks whose decisions to purchase soft drinks are actually influenced by the value of the potential prizes listed on the packaging really did tune in to Raw for a couple weeks to try to win a million dollars, what then? Were they supposed to be so enthralled by the thirty-minute long segments featuring Vince attempting to converse with a ringtone and the prospect of getting to watch other people constantly win money that they'd keep on watching every week, and then move on to purchasing Pay Per Views and merchandise too, just because? The reality is, wrestling isn't just SO GOOD and IF ONLY PEOPLE WOULD GIVE IT A CHANCE THEY'D BE HOOKED. Ratings are DEcreasing. That means that where there used to be fans, there no longer are. That means you have a SHIT PRODUCT. That's IT. They're not watching other shows because they want to see their face featured at the end of My Name Is Earl. They're watching other shows because your show isn't even as good as fucking My Name Is Earl. Either get your shit together or don't, but don't try to fool yourself and at tack phantom problems with retarded yet expensive solutions, Vincent. Also, LOVED the copout finish to the undeniably failed concept. "Because this is such a success, I'm going to keep on giving away money forevAAAAH! Paul! Paul I can't feel my legs!" Absolutely unreal shit.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Going with MILLION DOLLAR MANIA on this one.  Managing to blend together equal parts of boring, pointless, and borderline offensive, MDM was some of the most painful TV seen in 2008.  You KNEW how this was going when Vince got Rick Rolled on the FIRST CALLER.  Oh, also Vince apparently doesn't know how to use this newfangled technology.  We call it a phone.  He calls it a magic talking box.  And to end it..."I can't feel my legs! PAUL~!"  Yes, let's do murder...pretty much exactly a year after doing it the first time.  And we know how well THAT turned out. I know a couple people in Atlanta that were HUGE fans of that angle! 
 
JAMES SWIFT: "And to celebrate the one year anniversary of a double murder - suicide, let's pretend to have our CEO killed off by a lighting rig!" That's like giving Christopher Reeve's child a coupon for horse-riding lessons on her birthday.
 
SHANE STEELE: After the JBL-Hornswoggle hospital scene, my brother turned to me and asked "Did JBL just rape him?". I wouldn't put it past him.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: Even Rob Feinstein looked at that scene between JBL and Hornswoggle and thought, “Oh dear God”.
 
Special mention goes to Sheik Abdul Bashir. Not only does he cut promos about raping Lady Liberty, his theme music begins with the sound of a plane flying into a building. Enough said.
 
But my vote goes to Vince McMahon and his trifecta of idiocy. First he launches the WWE’s Million Dollar Mania, a move that basically says to the general public “yes, we know you wouldn’t watch this show voluntarily – but what if we PAID you?!” The majority of said general public still said “uummm… no”, while those who did tune in were bored shitless as they watched Vince fumble with the phones for several minutes trying to call the winners.
 
Thankfully the segment is eventually scrapped – after Vince is “crushed” by the RAW set in a poor attempt to resurrect the buzz from his limo explosion last year. We all know what happened after that.
And finally came the decision to start calling professional wrestlers “entertainers”. For more on that brilliant move, see #33.
 
NEIL CATHAN: A wrestling company I've been a fan of, and pointed to as the only company that gets it right booking a rape angle. Oh, and the fact that Ring of Honor fans are all assholes who cheer rape. In the same arena that was so aggressive to JBL at ONS. Crazy.
 
NICOLE COOPER: I depend on TNA to give me my weekly dose of total stupidity. If I want a horrible angle, a ridiculous promo, or even a terrible gimmick, I can always go to TNA. Likewise, if I want to be embarrassed, I just listen to some of Don West's commentary. But this year, WWE managed to outdo TNA in that aspect by giving us all the gift of....MIKE ADAMLE. You want something so terrible that you will be embarrassed to be a wrestling fan? Well Mike Adamle will do just that for you, and then some.
 
GERSHON LEVY: OK I admit I entered the Million Dollar Mania.  But I knew that this was the most PATHETIC attempt by Vince to get ratings.  To link this to another nominee, I don’t know what was going through his mind when he thought to have the stage collapse was a good idea to end it (probably “get this off of me!”).  I did love when Vince got rick rolled though (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdMj10s6nYw) .
 
ESBEN EVANS: WWE's Million Dollar Mania. Now THAT was pointless. The only thing that this competition showed us, was just how right everyone who said that "hardcore wrestling fans are ugly, sad losers" really were…which is of course extremely bad news for everyone spending valuable free time writing bad wrestling jokes for nothing on the internet…


19)"HOW ABOUT SOME CLEARASIL FOR THAT BACK?!" Award for most obvious Steroid job in wrestling.

Nominees: Armando Alejandro Estrada, Batista, Triple H, Ezekiel Jackson, Matt Morgan, Snitsky, Scott Steiner, Dolph Ziggler
 
SEAN CARLESS: Dolph Ziggler. Unless this guy ran over a Gypsy's daughter while on Suspension, I think there *might* be a reason why he's now 40 pounds smaller inside a month. Call me crazy.
 
DEREK BURGAN: When Dolph Diggler was shaking everyone's hands backstage and introducing himself, was he trying to bump into Dr. Zahorian or another mark doctor?
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: After two -cep tears in a row, biceps and triceps, I'm starting to suspect that Kaz/Suicide/Kazicide is a juicer. You heard it here ten-thousand-and-first~! Kevin Nash clearly called out the wrong guy during that infamous PCS Testing segment. You keep doin' what you're doin', Sonjay!
 
ANTHONY DEAN: Matt Morgan. He's steroids and superior DNA personified! Or maybe just the first one! Seriously, NASA has got to be full of the most naive fucks on the planet if they think that shit's natural. All I know is, assuming the gullible astronauts didn't hand over Matt Morgan's exalted sperm to some radical intergalactic Fundamentalist Christian group who needed to "check it for pre-prenatal lice," some day there's going to be a lot of acne-ridden, short-tempered, micropenised space babies.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: God damn it Snitsky, why did you have to go and get fired?  Now I'm short one easy winner for this category!  My runner up, Armando Estrada, had to get shitcanned too.  Come on people!  We'll go with the only Old Faithful left, BATISTA.  Ok, he hasn't been caught yet, but how he hasn't is beyond me.  Let's see...labyrinthe vein structure on his arms?  Check.  Easily prone to violence?  Check  (motherfucker hands out spinebusters at the drop of a hat, AND he's a total dick to pretty much everyone...why is he a face again?).  Shrunken testicles?  Kelly Kelly:  Check!  Oh, she knows.  Ever since Test she has had quite the taste for tiny balls.  Massive heart attack?  Not yet, but here's hoping!
 
JAMES SWIFT: I'm going with an unorthodox selection: Austin Aries. As one of them there "vegetarians", let me tell you something: It is fucking impossible to amass muscle solely on tofu and whey shakes. I've tried, trust me. Alas, Aries is either sneaking in some egg white on the side or he's pumping more gas than Exxon. I'm guessing probably both.
 
SHANE STEELE: I think The Brian Kendrick is awesome, but is it too much to ask for Big Zeke to hide his man-boobs (the #1 sign of an obvious roid job) just a little bit? Dude's got bigger hooters than Michelle McCool (which isn't saying much).
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: That’s like asking who the biggest fuckstick at Fox News is.
I’ll go with Scott Steiner. It’s hilarious how he always lays into Samoa Joe for eating too many twinkies. I personally would choose to gorge on tasty snack treats rather than have massive biceps that prevent me from wiping my own ass.
 
NEIL CATHAN: Scott Steiner or Vince McMahon. At that age, no-one should have that kind of musclemass. Or muscle mass at all. Either that, or crushed dreams of talented workers you're burying builds muscles. Which would explain Triple H's physique.
 
NICOLE COOPER: Is it even a shock anymore? Batista all the way. All the signs are there, you just need to look into them. The guy has veins popping up everywhere and to say that it is disturbing is not giving it full credit. Aggressive behavior? Check. I'm sure he probably has Jaundice too, but his cleverly orange fake tan covers it up nicely. It must be great to have such a high spot in the company to the point where you can basically put anything you want into your body with no repercussions.
 
GERSHON LEVY: Oh come on, there’s no steroids in wrestling, don’t they have a wellness policy?  That said, I’ll go into TNA and stick with the old reliable Scott Steiner.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Snitsky. He had so much acne that I'm surprised he didn't burst like one gigantic zit every time someone squeezed him too much in a simple tie up. 


20)EVEN MARLEE MATLIN COULD HEAR THAT: (for wrestler or diva with the most irritating voice)

Nominees: Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, Raeesha Saeed, Vickie Guerrero, Jillian Hall, Michelle McCool, Tony Atlas, Evan Bourne, Jeff Jarrett, Michael Cole, Stephanie McMahon, Jerry Lawler
 
SEAN CARLESS: Vickie Guerrero's voice has the same effect on me that hearing God's true voice does on people in the movie Dogma.
 
DEREK BURGAN: Thank god most readers won't ever have to hear this, but SHIMMER's Daffney (formerly of WCW) has a scream so ear piercing that even Melena would tell her to take it down a notch or two.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: If Marlee Matlin could hear Vickie Guerrero's voice, she would liken it to a banshee, a witch, and a velociraptor yapping over a chorus of rusty gates as horses neigh frantically, women and children weep, and that overused soundbyte of a man screaming from every movie trailer ("YEEEEARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!") plays on loop until, finally, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse materialize out of the ground and lop everyone's heads off. You know, something like that.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: Everybody's favorite chick with a dick, Natalya Neidhart. "HUH HUH, YUH BAYBEE!"
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: While they are probably the most natural choices for this prestigious award, I'm disregarding Jillian Hall and Vickie Guerrero from this category. Oh, they're quite a strain on the ear drums, but because being as irritating as possible is their gimmick, and thus is intentional, no thanks.  So, who does it naturally?  Who else?  STEPHANIE MCMAHON.  Why couldn't the camera cut off the top half instead?
 
JAMES SWIFT: "Latina Heap" Vickie Guerrero has a voice that sounds like the combined implosion of a hot air balloon, squealing snow tires and yelping of a basset hound simultaneously. If I had to greet each morn to that tone, I'd probably try to have a heart attack while brushing my teeth, too.
 
SHANE STEELE: I can't understand what Tony Atlas is saying half the time. And when I can, it's in a rocky and gravelly tone that makes me want to jab my ears with a pair of scissors.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: Vickie Guerrero (if you didn’t get it the first four times, see #8).
Special mentions go to Tony “marble mouth” Atlas, and Michelle McCool. I must admit her mic skills have improved … because she’s kept them to an absolute minimum. Maybe she should do the same with wrestling.
 
NEIL CATHAN: Angelina Love. Theoretically a backstage segment with The Beautiful People should be fun. They're good looking, and Velvet Skye is talented in the ring, and charismatic. Angelina Love annoys me to no end, however. She may well be playing her role very well, but if that's the case, well done, but it's too well. The role of annoying bitch just...annoys me.
 
NICOLE COOPER: I believe I made my choice for this award quite obvious earlier on. VIckie Guerrero. God dammit, that bitch's voice is so annoying it makes me want to stick coat hangers through my ear canals. Truth be told, I've been watching any segment involving Vickie Guerrero by herself on mute for a long, long time now. It's not worth risking me losing my hearing just to hear her horse-like face whine, bitch, and moan about her seemingly permanently broken neck before putting some unlucky bastard in a match with The Undertaker. (You do realize I basically gave you 5 months worth of Smackdown recaps in that one sentence, right?)
 
GERSHON LEVY: Jillian Hall is too easy a pick because she’s supposed to have an irritating voice.  I’ll say Vickie Guerrero who seems to have Eddie rolling in his grave every time she further bastardizes his legacy by appearing on television.
 
ESBEN EVANS: I thought that this one would be more of an open contest this year…then Stephanie decided to make her way back to my screen…good GOD woman! That being said, Vickie Guerrero is right up there as well, guess you can't be a woman in power without sounding like a Banshee…what about Linda, you ask? I said women, not robots.


21)"SPEAKING OF MARLEE MATLIN, WE ALL SHOULD BE SO LUCKY" (worst theme music)

Nominees: Whatever makes youe ears bleed or you want to committ hara kari with your CD remote.
 
SEAN CARLESS: I hated Randy Orton's new theme at first, but like the Co-Stanza jingle, it's seriously grown on me. "I hear voices in my head...they just are all awkwardly stilted and annoyingly spaced per syllable when they're said." I think there's a chance that I may have forgotten the actual lyrics in lieu of his promos. Sue me.
 
With that, the actual worst song in wrestling is still Candice's (RAISE YO HANDS UP...or at least one, the other's kinda "occupied"). It's techno-beat still makes me long for the days of rave-dancing in a potato sack in the New Zion in The Matrix. (Hey, here's an idea, Neo, how about downloading a fucking SEWING PROGRAM?)
 
However, that said, it turns out that Candice's theme is but a pretender. The *true* owner of this award has recently returned to reclaim their throne: STEPHANIE MCMAHON. Her nauseating song makes me want to go back to the late 60's and stab Gloria Steinham in the heart with a rusty pair of scissors. Truthfully. Just listening to her uber feministic blunderfuck theme makes my testicles shrink to the size of raisins. Which actually is OK with me. It actually makes my penis look bigger now. So Kudos.
 
 
DEREK BURGAN: Watching UFC's Couture vs. Lesnar taught me one thing, THAT WRESTLING THEME MUSIC SUCKS. All of it. Maybe TNA, as a brand itself, should get this award because their show seems to be built upon some music being played and the crowd popping, but the crowd has no idea whose music is whose. There's nothing like watching a Main Event Mafia promo, music hit, and the crowd doesn't react until AJ Styles actually comes out because NO ONE KNOWS AJ STYLES' music. We've fallen a long way from Stone Cold's glass breaking.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: You know what? I'm giving this one to Monday Night Raw. I'm TIRED of it! Papa Roach is literally the cockroach of Nu-Metal. They're the kind of guys who tear open and scrape at the carton of ice cream for a spoonful long after everyone else ate it all, or some other analogy you can relate to milking off of the teat of a dying/dead music genre. WWE's Superstars are supposed to be total bad-asses who don't give a fuck about anyone's opinion of them, not a bunch of whiny queermoes (that's about as awkward as pluralizing 'dildo') who long to be loved. Who can get pumped up for a wrestling show listening to such lyrical content as "Whoa, I'll never give in // Whoa, I'll never give up // Whoa, I'll never give in // And I just wanna be, wanna be loved // Whoa, I'll never give in // Whoa, I'll never give up // Whoa, I'll never give in // And I just wanna be, wanna be loved," besides Joey Lawrence in the era of Blossom? Hey, those lyrics are pretty deep. And repetitive. And shitty. Runner up goes to Wrestlemania 24 with Snow (Hey Oh) by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. What a terrible choice, dear God.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: AHEEYUH VOICES IMMAHEA THEY TALKTA ME THEY UNNUSTAN. Randy Orton. Even with the benefit of following his awful previous "HEY!" theme, it still makes already cringing people even less enthused about "getting" to witness a Randy Orton match.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: She might have been gone most of the year, but her music is just so fucking bad that hearing it once is enough to chomp into that cyanide pill I was saving for a special occasion.  CANDICE MICHELLE, why did you voluntarily choose that music?  The old version was blah, but passable.  Hearing RAISE YO HANDS UP fifty thousand times is a torture that should only be reserved for Gitmo residents.  If there was any justice in the world, the DJ's who mixed that song would've been on that Learjet 60 in South Carolina.  Nope, just DJ AM.  Oh well, he sucks ass too, so small victories and all that.
 
JAMES SWIFT: Kurt Angle's new "rap" entrance theme is the lamest thing I've ever heard. Seriously, Perry Como eating vanilla ice cream in a blizzard isn't as white as that song.
 
SHANE STEELE: Finlay's music used to be pretty badass. Now we get happy Irish jig music which any Irishman would be ashamed to dance to. And what kind of name is "Hes Ma Da" anyway?
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: Before I pick a winner, I’d like to ask you a question… loudly… about 60 consecutive times. PEOPLE OVER THERE WAASSSSUUUUUUUUP? WAASSSSUUUUUUUUP? WAASSSSUUUUUUUUP? WAASSSSUUUUUUUUP?
Special mention goes to Kelly Kelly (Squalor!), Priceless, (yep, you’d be a fucking moron to put a price on that song) and Randy Orton (who apparently hears voices in his head, they come to him, they understand, they talk to him. Do. They. Sound. Like. Every. Word. Is. Its. Own. Sentence. Too?)
 
NEIL CATHAN: I'm concerned. According to Randy Orton's music, he hears voices! I'm sure that Canadian guy who never existed heard voices! Someone get to this immediately, before Orton soccer kicks his wife and child! Or even hits the RKO! He can hit it from ANYWHERE. Literally. Just the other day, I was writing criticism of Orton over the internet, as my god give right as a fat internet fan member of the IWC, and he jumped out of my computer screen while giving me the RKO, kicked my Dad, who also has no first name, in the head and left. Clearly, someone must intervene to prevent such a tragedy from happening to the Orton family.
 
NICOLE COOPER: This will be a shocker, especially to all those who actually bother to read my Impact Recaps, but I'm giving this one to the Motor City Machine Guns. Just like every other TNA theme song, it's a rip off of a previously recorded song. The song is called 1977, and unlike the MCMG theme, it rocks. Hard. TNA takes it, gives it a horrible tune, changes the year, and gives it pathetic lyrics and thinks it's good enough. Well guess what, TNA? It's not. I'm still convinced it's all part of some high-up plan in TNA where they try their hardest to make Alex Shelley into the biggest joke of a wrestler ever. And guess what else, TNA? It's still not working.
 
GERSHON LEVY: Well I want to pick a theme that was new this year and I’m going with Priceless.  It’s one of those days where the music department of WWE got lazy, like too lazy to even pick up a cup to piss in because you can’t get off your ass to get to the bathroom.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Mick Foley's new one…wow, just wow…the first one he had in TNA was annoying on its own, but the added rap lyrics was just the icing on the cake…a cake of pure crap that is…


22)THE "ARGAIV" AWARD FOR LETDOWN OF THE YEAR. (Get it? Viagra spelled backwards)
Nominees: R-Truth's depush, CM Punk title reign, The Brian Kendrick's depush, the New ECW Talent Initiative, the Prince Justice Brotherhood, the Main Event Mafia, TNA Impact Video game, Michael Cole to RAW, Triple H vs. Kozlov feud, Smackdown's move to an obscure network that no one gets, MVP's losing streak, Kane revealing...Mysterio´s mask?, WWE releasing Elijah Burke,  Kute Kip still existing on this planet, Jericho title run gets cut short; the spinner belt not being obliterated.
 
SEAN CARLESS: CM Punk getting derailed kind of sucked. And it was going so well, too. Seriously. His push was kind of like getting a pretty good blowjob. Here it is, a hot broad gobbling your shaft, you sitting there thinkin', "Hey, I'm getting all of this good stuff even though I'm all dirty and sloppy and shit! This is all pretty cool!"-- then a few seconds later, the same woman bites your penishead off and goes back to blowing the usual jock assholes while you're forced to watch, desperately look for your discarded nubbin, and still being expected to jack off to the shit you'll never get again. This was CM Punk's year in a nutshell. Only with blowjobs. You see.
 
DEREK BURGAN: The letdown of the year award for me goes To RF Video's shoot interview with Jerry Jarrett. For what should have been one of the all time great shoots (along with ones I hope to see from Jim Ross, Paul Heyman, and Michael Hayes), this was botched from point one when the interviewer ended up being DOI's The Mic. Watching this DVD was like a punch in the gut. Overall it wasn't the worst shoot of all time, but it could have been so much more.
 
Runner-up: Cena vs. Batista. What could have been a HUGE WrestleMania hype job got ruined when we all saw they just aren't that good together. The thought of Cena vs. Batista is so much better than the actual thing.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: As much as I love the guy-- and believe me, I LOVE the guy-- I'm voting for the return of Edge. Son of a bitch, I was expecting hellfire and brimstone and Psycho Edge to rise up from under the stage like fucking Gangrel with a giant psycho grin on his face, ready to do unspeakable things to Vickie for forcing him into the Cell and whatnot. If nothing else, I was expecting Vickie's little office phone to ring, and Vickie to scream in horror as Edge greeted her and proceeded to tell her about the horrible things he'd do to her when he got back. Then I remembered that Hell probably doesn't send out collect calls. Instead, the entire Undertaker feud is retconned in exchange for more Edge and Vickie lovefests! I almost cried. I've never been more disappointed in the last four years. I'm actually typing this up from the comfort of my dark corner. It's very hard to type while in the fetal position. Anyway, thinking about how badly I've been fucked over gives me a bad case of the shits. Of course, I'm sure something awesome is just around the corner for Edgeward. Yeah, I'm only saying that to remain optimistic.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: The Royal Rumble was completely open-ended and up in the air throughout the entire match with no clear winner in sight. And then Triple H and John Cena came in and killed everyone during like the last five minutes of the match. Dishonorable mention goes to Triple H doing the exact same thing by himself in Smackdown's Championship Scramble, minus the "no clear winner, up in the air" part.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Let's go with...LATE YEAR WWE IN GENERAL.  Now, I've already covered CM Punk's wonderful ride, which was akin to a Plane taking off, only for it to nosedive and plow into the ground at supersonic speed.  But let's expand on that concept.  Like I said, there was a point this year that had all of the title holders on Raw were serious up-and-comers.  It was a time where we, as watchers of this fine program, were perhaps, dare I say, excited to see what was on the horizon.  Yeah, let me know how many times you can honestly say that about the IWC.  Pessimism is our calling card.  So, leave it to WWE to go "Push new people?! Not on our watch!"  You can certainly make a case for Chris Jericho, but he's genuinely earned his spot, along with WWE having pushed him before (lucky for him, HHH went to the other brand before he squashed this one too).  Everyone else in the Main Event?  Not so much.  We have Cena, Orton, Batista, JBL, and HBK.  I'm not doubting the talent of each guy...surely each of them brings something to the table, right?  My problem is that it's nothing new.  The non-Cena ratings of Raw pretty much tell the tale, but WWE is just going "LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALA."
 
JAMES SWIFT: Gabe Sapolsky being fired as head booker at ROH. I think that pretty much sums up the U.S. economy right now when you can be the absolute best in your chosen profession and still end up shitcanned because the company needs to save a few nickels here and there on traveling expenditures.
 
SHANE STEELE: Triple H vs. Kozlov was supposed to be the moment Communism finally triumphed over the futile ways of Capitalism. Now, it seems Kozlov is destined to be just another monster heel (albeit a COMMUNIST monster heel) doing the sporadic job to a main eventer here and there. The Red Menace still won in my heart.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: Australia only started broadcasting TNA Impact this year, and after 20 years of watching nothing but WWF/WWE, it’s been a breath of fresh air. One of my biggest regrets is that I never watched WCW back in the day, so I jumped on the TNA bandwagon as soon as I had the chance. A lot of it has been great – the rough cut segments, the World X Division matches, and (shock shock) they actually have A TAG TEAM DIVISION and female wrestlers who look good and wrestle even better.

But for every good thing about the company, there are five stupid things to counter it. Eric Young looking for Elvis? “Sarah Palin” giving makeovers to the Beautiful People? And in every single backstage skit, there’s Jeremy Borash playing the human microphone stand. Doesn’t TNA have a boom-mic operator?

And that’s another thing: I HATE it how TNA constantly reminds us how they haven’t got as much money and resources as WWE. As one promo proclaims: “They’re not doing it for the million dollar contracts… (long pause) because there AREN’T any!” Stop fucking telling us and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! 

And a final rant point: TNA’s main event wrestlers are in serious need of some direction. As I see it, the company is basically heading down the same doomed path as WCW with its political bullshit and half baked storylines. Then again they’ll be lucky if they even make it to WCW status. When you struggle to poach fans watching TODAY’S WWE product, you need to make some serious adjustments ASAP.

I am DYING to see TNA give WWE a run for its money. But as has been the case with wrestling over the past eight or so years, I’ll probably have to call the ARGAIV hotline after 4+ hours of rock solid nothingness.
 
NEIL CATHAN: The start of TNA's year earned them such high praise as "better than last year" and "actually quite good" by the internet's most respected and loved individual: Me. Despite receiving the much sought after "Neil Cathan official stamp of approval", TNA then went on to be just as terrible, and bury their own talent just as much as they had done before. It's almost as if they don't want my praise.
 
NICOLE COOPER: I knew what I was going to put for this one before I even received the categories. The biggest letdown of the year, without a shadow of a doubt, was Randy Orton's injury. 2008 was a great year for the IWC in that Cena's presence was fairly minimal until the very end, and Randy Orton was doing a great job with the title in the meantime. It goes without saying that Randy Orton still is the future of the WWE, and seeing him now, not in the title picture, it sucks pretty badly to say the very least. There is a bright side to everything though, but we'll get to that later on.
 
GERSHON LEVY: I’ll admit the Kane with his bag angle had me intrigued for a little while because I thought there was a chance he was going to go back and put his mask on again.  I’m not a fan of Mysterio, so that killed the angle for me.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Kane pulling out Mysterio's mask. Not only didn't it make any sense, and I mean it like in it being a swerve of WCW like proportions. But seriously, they could've made Kane badass again, they could've gone back in time and taken away those hours and hours of pain and irrelevance and changed it to something cool again. They could've given us a legit monster heel to hate and fear again…they gave us a crappy storyline and a Rey Mysterio who never showed any signs of being scarred at all, which of course resulted in Kane looking like a douche…again…


23)EVEN OZZY OSBOURNE HAS MORE CREDIBILITY. (Award for the individual who exudes the least amount of real-life credibility in public for whatever reason)
Nominees: Vince McMahon, Jake Roberts, TNA, Booker T, Ric Flair for getting his ass beat by his daughter's drunk hick  boyfriend, Raven, Kanyon, and MIKE SANDERS suing WWE to challenge the ENTERTAINERS' independent contractor status five years after any of them worked there, The WWE Kiddie Era, WWE.com, Michael Cole;
 
SEAN CARLESS: Michael Cole. At everything. He's the world's most annoying Teddy Ruxpin. He just rattles the same exact bullshit phrases ad nauseam, as if at command. VINTAGE UNDERTAKER~! (Don't try that wine! It tastes like dying!) NOT THIS WAY~! RIGHT IN THE SKULL~! I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM MANHANDLED THIS WAY~!  And then there's the robotic canned laughter. He's like a Stepford Wife whose face is giving birth to a fucking chimpanzee. I hate him in ways not even detectable by the human psyche. I'd like to punch him in the SKULL until he's dead.
 
But other than that, he's ok.
 
DEREK BURGAN: I had a tough choice on this one, both from Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling. First I was going to with Eric Bischoff's character, but ended up choosing Jimmy Hart. All of Hart's "critiques" of the matches and wrestlers were beyond laughable, but he gets the Fanny for his one show BRAVURA performance we he helped the celebs pick out their gimmicks.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: JBL for the ridiculous claims he makes about his stupid energy drinks. Have you seen his Mamajuana "Where's My Mama" ad? I'd consider you lucky, but I really do want you to take a look at it:



Yeah, sure. A chunky, 42-year-old man with bitch tits and a beer belly is going to get a bunch of good-looking young bitches to feel him up and bump uglies with him. Then there's his other drink, Energy Plus, whose website and ad have a hilarious bit about Jibble weighing 330+ pounds in 2006. They even provide a hilariously photoshopped image of Jibble stretched out further than we've ever seen him, with a gut that rivals The Sandman's 2005 gut. Next to that, of course, is a picture of the guy lifting weights and looking better than he has, uh, all year or the years before that. I'd like to remind you all that Jibble wrestled until May 2006 and returned three weeks later as commentator, then got right back to wrestling just five months later. Hey, I know it's easy to gain 40+ pounds in a short amount of time, especially after an injury, but considering how often he was featured on TV for damn near all of 2006, I think I can safely observe that JBL never looked like the fat guy depicted on the website, nor does he look that buff now. Seriously, he's had that undefined stomach and those meaty tits since the JBL gimmick debuted, if I recall correctly. Plus, there's misspellings and bad grammar on the site, and that's usually indicative of a scam. Wow, I sure did my homework for this category, LAWL~!
 
ANTHONY DEAN: Raven, Kanyon, and MIKE SANDERS suing the WWE to challenge its independent contractor status like five years after any of them worked there. For some reason, I doubt that "Will Bleed For Money" Raven, "Would-Be World Champion But For My Cockbreath" Chris Kanyon and "Who?" Mike Sanders are doing this on behalf of the WWE's current signed talent out of a deep-rooted compassion and a desire to see them living comfortably and healthy in their later years, and more because they made poor decisions with their own money or careers and thus are pretty much down to either slugging it out in for another decade or two in towns beginning with "Bumble" and ending in "fuck," or Target. Also, I love how you just know that Raven pretty much drafted their entire stance, with two of his buddies then just latching on and saying "Yeah, right, whatever man, so does this mean I can go out and get a couple grams on credit tonight?" Forgive me if I question the purity of their motives in this endeavor. Maybe I'm just a pessimist. And maybe fucking Raven is a devout humanist.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: RANDY ORTON.  One story this year sealed it for me.  Young Randall was fast on the road to recovery from his broken collarbone, when he decided to go ahead and take a joy ride on his motorcycle in shorts and a t-shirt.  Feel free to ask Ben Roethlisberger and Kerry Von Erich how good an idea that was.  Oh, but don't let that stop you Randy!  Just go ahead and get launched 300 yards or whatever when you wreck.  And somehow only re-break your collarbone, and NOTHING ELSE.  Yeah, having a little trouble believing this story, only because it completely violates laws of physics.  And a completely ridiculous story is appropriate for a completely ridiculous man.  Hotel rooms beware, Orton will be there!
 
JAMES SWIFT: JBL. Why, you may ask? Well, let's take a gander at the next awards category.
 
SHANE STEELE: I barely trust anything WWE.com says anymore. And when I try to check the TNA results through their "Industry News" section, they always screw with me by saying stuff like "So-and-So lost to Somebody" instead of "Somebody defeated So-and-So". What's up with that?
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: Vince McMahon (see #18 and #33), who continues to try and exude credibility in the one place he can’t – outside the wrestling industry.
 
NEIL CATHAN: A professional wrestling company that, with the exceptions of a few things that have bombed (Vulture Squad) or been utterly tasteless (rape), has generally been the standard of how booking should be, compared by many to ECW in terms of booking and character. And remember that ECW, excellent though it was, has had things that have been disappointing, and has had the controversially tasteless (crucifixion). So Cary Silkin, panicking about a recent decline, fires the man considered to be the best booker currently working, and replaces him with Adam Pearce. A wrestler (and we all know how well having a wrestler as booker turns out. Remember how great a job Nash did with WCW? Or Ole Anderson with the NWA? Jarrett in TNA?), with no prior booking experience. Good move Cary Silkin, good move. While there's an off chance that this will actually work, it's just that: an off chance. And with Silkin and Pearce planning to move the company in a direction away from Sapolsky's, the company will lose the style which has defined it and made it stand out as being something so different. Silkin has the least credibility as far as I'm concerned.
 
NICOLE COOPER: We'll go back in time with this one and give this honor to Hulk Hogan. As if the divorce wasn't bad enough, surely his son being locked up is. The phone calls from Nick's prison cell where he blames Nick's friend for any injuries he suffered proved to everyone that Hulk Hogan always has been, and still is, a huge, arrogant douche bag. Oh, and being accused of having an affair surely didn't help Hulk's case too much. But then again, could you really blame the guy? Either way, you add all of this up together and you can clearly see that Hulk Hogan is absolutely full of shit.
 
GERSHON LEVY: Well since all major WWE decisions go through Vince, he’s the guy who wins.  This year just saw so many ridiculous things going on beyond the storylines.  From Million Dollar Mania to taking the sports out of sports entertainment to making the product more kid friendly.  I knew when Raw became TV-PG things were not looking good.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Raven? Sure, Kanyon? Yeah, okay…Mike Sanders? Come on dude, get real…I remember him as a decent wrestler and a pretty entertaining guy back in WCW when I first got into wrestling. But for him to sue WWE despite never showing up on the main roster and only being in development long enough to MAYBE have a cup of weak cider and botch a hip toss or whatever is laughable. You ARE not relevant, and you never WERE relevant…just fuck off…retard…


24)THE AC/DC "BIG BALLS" AWARD. Greatest show of testicular fortitude. (in the ring, in real life, whatever. Just awarding one ballsy motherfucker)
Nominees: Undertaker wrestling a ladder match injured, HBK's wife taking a legit punch, John Morrison ladder spot at WM 24; Y2J's ladder bump at No Mercy, Joey Styles KO's JBL, Brock Lesnar in UFC,
 
SEAN CARLESS:
 

 
God bless, Joey. He's a trail blazer. And right now, because of him, there's rookies in the the shower with a newfound sense of relief (and whom no longer have to have their soap on a rope shackled to their arm with a motorcycle chain and 10 pound padlock, just in case.). Joey is my hero. Sandwich. This will stop once he stops doubling for Jared the Subway Guy.
 
DEREK BURGAN: How do you not go with Joey Styles on this one considering who he punched? I thought Randy Orton had this one in the bag with a strong year, but Joey's The Punch Heard Round The Net takes the cake and will be talked and written about for ages.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: Joey Styles for socking JBL in the fucking face during WWE's tour of Iraq, of course! E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB! For a guy who's smaller than I am, Joey sure is a brave little toaster fucker, standing up for all 5-foot-7, glasses-wearing webmasters out there! My 5-foot-9, glasses-wearing web contributing self thanks you, Mr. Styles. Will JBL's credibility ever recover? We can decide that after JBL creates a new spinach-flavored energy drink that guarantees Popeye-like strength while lacking any medical testing to back it up. He's got one for everything else anyway. Shit, do I have some kind of geeky grudge against Jibble this year or something? Dear God. Congrats on your new-found bad-assery, Joey!
 
ANTHONY DEAN: I would say Joey Styles punching out JBL, but really, how big of a pussy would a guy have to be NOT to hit a big drunk dude whose constantly fucking with him? It's beyond worrying about your job at that point. I'll vote for Brock Lesnar, who, after becoming WWE Champion while legitimately hurting guys in a wrestling ring, managed to successfully transition himself into becoming the UFC Champion by doing the exact same thing in a cage! Bob Holly can't even get the first part of Brock's formula down, despite Lesnar once showing him very close and personally how it's done. Proof that true winners are born, not made. And that Bob Holly is shit.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Oh please, like it could be anyone but JOEY STYLES.  The only problem is making original jokes for this, being essentially a nerd's wet dream.  When they read the story of the Subway guy laying out everyone's worst nightmare (especially in showers), I imagine there was a collective jumping of joy.  Though I would also imagine that would result in a massive earthquake that would kill millions, so shows what I know.  Kudos to you Joey, you are truly the manliest of men.  How much so?  I had a dream about him recently being a guest on the Colbert Report, saying nothing but OH MY GOD~!  It was an awesome episode.  And yes, my dreams can be very random, thanks for asking.
 
JAMES SWIFT: It simply doesn't get any better than having a 170 pound manifestation of my wayward adolescence knock the dog shit out of a loudmouth, corporate shill- billy bully like Jonathan Bradshaw Layfield. It simply doesn't. Congrats, Joey. You are hereby referred to as "the fucking man".
 
SHANE STEELE: Who'd have thought Joey Styles of all people would be the guy to finally punch JBL after his bullying ways? Of course, now Joey's got to watch his back whenever he showers.....
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: While I’m tempted to say Mike Adamle (see #11), I’m more inclined to go for Brock Lesnar. He won the UFC Championship against Randy fucking Couture. That takes tremendous brass balls.

But Lesnar is a trained punching machine. Joey Styles isn’t. And his decision to knock JBL the fuck out makes him the ballsiest individual of 2008. A skinny, glasses-wearing announcer puts a world class cockhead like Jibble in his place. Time has come for Revenge of the Nerds, motherfucker! 
 
NEIL CATHAN: OH MY GOD! JBL gets KTFO'd by Joey Styles of all people. As an ECW fan, who didn't like JBL before he said the bad stuff and beat up Blue Meanie, good on Mr. Styles. With Lesnar's demolition of Couture and Styles one-hit KOing JBL (Seriously, I thought only fissure and horn drill could do that), I think that it's only a matter of time before we see the true dream match: Joey Styles vs Brock Lesnar.
 
NICOLE COOPER: As much as it pains me to type this, it's all John Cena. Who the hell else would have shown up to a show that they aren't even on the day of their surgery? I'm still against the guy, and I still think he is bland, boring, and needs to update that move set of his, but the fact that he did that was pretty fucking crazy.
 
GERSHON LEVY: How can it NOT be Joey Styles.  JBL is one big dude and Joey never seemed to be a guy who was a threat physically.  But man, when I heard about this I marked out bigger than anything that happened on TV all year.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Mike Sanders…seriously, as retarded I think he is for doing it, it does take balls to take on WWE when you barely have any history with the company at all. Sure he may only do it because he has nothing to lose, and because he's got his friends with him (and what better friends than a well hung jew and a flamboyant gay guy), but I still admire his will to go out guns blazing or whatever.


25) PLUMMETING FASTER THAN A FAT GIRL OFF A CLIFF. (Award for the fastest fall from grace in wrestling. The wrestler chosen must signify a real plunge in quality, effort or company push in just one year’s time).
Nominees: CM Punk, Batista, Kane, Rey Mysterio, The Big Show, MVP, The Great Khali, Samoa Joe, Chavo Guerrero
 
SEAN CARLESS: MVP.  If this shit keeps up, I expect to one day see him wrapped in newspapers & tin cans sleeping in his inflatable tunnel in an alley somewhere.
 
DEREK BURGAN: I'm going to go with Shark Boy  here because now he is being put only as "an the rest,  here on Gilligan's Isle" spot in 10 man X-Division matches when he was starting to get a lot of time on the show, especially with the Prince Justice Brotherhood bullshit. He's either going to be let go, or come back in six months still doing that stupid Steve Austin rip-off gimmick and no one will know what the fuck is going on.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: How many times would Samoa Joe have to do consecutive annual jobs to Sting on a pay-per-view before he snaps and decides that maybe jumping to WWE as Umaga's cousin Ba'aloga doesn't sound so bad? Nothing wrong with taking a huge increase in pay at the expense of reinforcing negative Samoan stereotypes, is there? I think every Samoan ever in the WWE would concur. Joe's World Heavyweight Championship win in April came way too fucking late, in my opinion, and even though he's got Kurt Angle beat by 2 days for the longest individual reign, I can't remember a single damn day of it. It's nothing against Joe; I love Joe as much as the next person, but, well, let me just ask this: how does he not melt those pounds away on that hamster wheel to Nowhere?
 
ANTHONY DEAN: MVP, who went from holding the US Title for almost a straight year to legitimate World Title Contender to hopeless jobber who can't buy a win and, perhaps most notably, doesn't even have an inflatable entrance tunnel anymore.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Can't use CM Punk for this category.  To me, it reflects net change from the beginning of the year to the end of the year.  Punk sucked the beginning of the year, he sucked the end of the year.  No change = no award.  Let's go with BIG SHOW on this one.  Perhaps it's just the thrill of him coming back leaner and meaner wearing off, but after Wrestlemania it's been all downhill for the big man.  Come on, his finisher is punching people now!  Yeah, that worked AWESOME for Tank Abbott.  Plus, it takes a lot to make a casket match with the Undertaker so God-awfully boring.  So for Big Show going from exciting to see again to a complete snooze fest, here's your award!  Now go to hell.  There's been a vacancy since Edge left for no reason...
 
JAMES SWIFT: Takeshi Morishima. He held the ROH title for nearly a year, actually managed to get Misawa to JOB for a change and even secured a try-out with the 'E.and he totally and completely sucked it up all over Japan for the remainder of the year. Five bucks says that this time next year he's mopping floors in Iwata Prefacture.
 
SHANE STEELE: This time last year, MVP was still holding the US title and coming off a tag team title reign with the always-dull Matt Hardy. Now he's jobbing to the likes of Kung Fu Naki and James Mason (I will never let him live down James Mason as long as I live). Keep reaching for that rainbow, MVP. It's not like Triple H will pull it away from you at the last second or something....
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: Last year I said MVP was the most improved wrestler. Now it’s come to this.
What in God’s name are they doing to this guy? He goes from U.S. Champion to jobbing against the jobber’s jobber, Kung Fu Naki?! Please don’t tell me MVP got all this because he pissed off a urine sample attendant (see what I did there?).
 
NEIL CATHAN: I call double standards. John Cena makes gay and poop jokes all the time, and is pushed, but MVP makes one crack about a guy training to stare at guys peeing, and is punished. At least since Cena is black too, we know it's not racism. Still, Most Valuable Jobber's treatment since his joke is a tragic example of a career pissed away.
 
NICOLE COOPER: This one will sound pretty crazy until I explain myself, so be forewarned. It's Samoa Joe. Okay, okay, calm yourselves down ROHbots, and remove your hand from the gaping hole your mouth has just become. I can hear each and every one of you scream "BUT JOE WAS THE CHAMP! HOW IS THAT PLUMMETING!?!" Allow me to tell you. Yes, he did become TNA champ, but he became TNA champ about a year and a half too late. Did you hear that sound that followed him where ever he went this year? It's the sound of total indifference, or as I like to call it, the Taylor Wilde Pop. As soon as that was over and done with, he joins the TNA Originals in a "war" that's better off not being fought at all, and gets immediately buried by the Main Event Mafia. Samoa Joe went from fan favorite, to male Taylor Wilde, to being totally taken out by the Main Event Mafia. Perhaps it's not the worst scenario of the year, but I figured I'd just point this one out.
 
GERSHON LEVY: Kane should get this award every year.  It seems like at some point every year, he starts a new angle or feud that could potentially be a big push but then ends up being something so pointless the payoff is usually on free TV.  I honestly think the guy deserves a legit title run, even for only a couple months before he retires.  If nothing else, it’s only fair for all the crappy angles he’s had to do over the years.
 
ESBEN EVANS: MVP. CM Punk fell long and hard this year, but not in that hilarious Wile E. Coyote sort of way that MVP did. He made one bad joke, and the ground sort of just disappeared from underneath him (pretty sure he even made a double take right before falling) and I can't remember if he's won a match since…sad, when you think about it…




26)THE BEST THING SINCE INTERNET PORN. (Wrestler of The Year Award)

Nominees: Chris Jericho, Edge, HBK, HHH, Randy Orton, CM Punk, Kurt Angle, AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Sting, Nigel McGuinness, Bryan Danielson, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Brock Lesnar (UFC)
 
SEAN CARLESS: Chris Jericho. Normally, the sudden disappearance of a man's pants means trouble is ahead for you or the one's you love, but for Chris Jericho, it was the beginning of a career-best year. Without pants.
 
DEREK BURGAN: The Beautiful People in HD.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: WINNER: Edge. RUNNER-UP: Edge. SECOND RUNNER-UP: Edge. What other wrestler had the balls to press his lips onto Vickie Guerrero's face repeatedly? What other wrestler single-handedly sparked genuine interest in an otherwise typical Undertaker feud? What other wrestler went a week without combing his hair or bathing just for added effect in his bad-ass psycho character? What other wrestler can sweep me off my feet like a 13-year-old girl at a Twilight premiere despite his large, bulbous eyes and Leno-esque chin? Yes, Chris Jericho was pretty awesome this year, but Edge got me back to watching Smackdown religiously for the first time since I tuned out in early 2006. Go, Edgeward~!
 
ANTHONY DEAN: Without a doubt Shawn Michaels. He was outstanding in two of the best feuds of the year (vs Ric Flair, vs Chris Jericho) and had several good matches with Batista even! Just an all-around great performer in 2008, as usual.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: No one has signified this award better than anyone else this year other than...EDGE.  Fuck HHH, there's a new blonde bearded menace in town!  Simply put, the guy puts out the goods whenever he is on screen.  Psycho Edge provided some of the most entertainment outside of the ring, and inside the ring?  Wrestlemania 24?  AWESOME.  Rated PG Hell in a Cell?  FANTASTIC.  Saving the boring as hell HHH/Koslov match?  A GODSEND.  Simply put, when it's big time, this guy delivers big.  Edge was somehow involved in almost every great moment of the year, and that's good enough for this writer.
 
JAMES SWIFT: Just because someone here has to be the voice of reason, KENTA. This guy has had so many near five star classics this year that it's ridiculous, and he's able to do it with a variety of adversaries (heavyweights like Kensuke Sasaki and junior heavyweight standouts like Kota Ibushi alike). The champ is here.and he's sporting a Moe Howard haircut.
 
SHANE STEELE: It was a tough choice for me between Santino and Kozlov, but in the end, I went with my Communist heart and picked Kozlov. All these years I'd been saying the Reds would rise again, and what happens? Communism happens! "United forever, in friendship and labor, our mighty republics will ever endure!". What, nobody wants to sing along?
 
THE SIXTH CHILD:Jeff Hardy. It was good to see WWE cap off its 2008 PPV season by crowning Hardy the champ. The Hardys went from an obscure tag team – managed by everyone from Dok Hendrix to Gangrel to Terri Runnels – to tearing down arenas all over the world with some of the sickest moves ever. Then they went on to do what very few tag teams have done successfully – become credible singles competitors.

Despite all his flaws, it was great to see Jeff finally succeed. It’s now his job not to fuck it up.
Special mention goes to Vladimir Kozlov, 2008’s best newcomer. Aside from the whole tired fucking Russian heel gimmick, Kozlov is a solid, no frills in-ring performer. His debut with plain white trunks, no theme music and plenty of size, power and agility made him a classic, no-nonsense heel.

The last one of those WWE had is now teamed up with a fucking leprechaun. 
 
NEIL CATHAN: This is a biased entry. At an independent event, I saw Chris Hero wrestle. He worked a good match, but seemed more excited by seeing fan who had turned up dressed in a Hero outfit. He pointed her out with a huge grin on his face. Later in the show, I bought an awesome version of the Virgil image with him replacing Virgil with the phrase "CHRIS HERO: WRESTLING SUPERSTAR?" on it, and when I was panicking over a lost, signed DVD, he helped me look, before giving me a copy of one of his DVDs for free. Chris Hero: Nicest wrestler in the world. So I feel obliged to give him wrestler of the year.
 
NICOLE COOPER:And now we get serious. This one speaks for itself. There is no wrestler around today who had a better year than Chris Jericho, which really says something when you compare it to his 2007. Heel Chris Jericho? Brilliant. Woman-abusing Chris Jericho? Amazing. Jericho/Michaels feud? Perfection. Chris Jericho as Heavyweight Champion? It simply gets no better.
 
GERSHON LEVY: When Chris Jericho threw Shawn Michaels’ head through the fake flat screen TV during the Highlight Reel, that was one of the best heel turns I’ve ever seen.  Jericho had gotten more or less stale at that point, and from that point on had a run that saw him get two title runs and more heat than almost any other person on the roster.  He completely reinvented himself and it totally works.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Chris Jericho. You sir, are a machine, 'nuff said. However, in terms of storylines, HBK had the 3 greatest feuds and he had arguably 2 or 3 of the best matches, so I actually think I'm gonna give him the nod.

27)MATCH OF THE YEAR (other than my Ass and your Face)

Nominees: Whatever rocked your socks.
 
SEAN CARLESS: Chris Jericho vs. HBK at No Mercy in a Ladder Match. The only other time I enjoyed seeing a much younger man tip a balding older guy off a ladder more, was when I was helping Dad put up the Xmas lights 3 weeks ago. He was 53. And bald.
 
DEREK BURGAN: That Dragon Gate match I saw on YouTube in which BxB Hulk was turned on by his partners and it turned into a wild six man match. Seriously though, my list would include a lot of stuff that happened on ROH's Dragon Gate Challenge and Supercard of Honor along with Bryan Danielson vs. Tyler Black at one of ROH's horribly named PPVs.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair, if only for the amazing finish that'll be played in dramatic WrestleMania highlight reels for years to come. That and it introduced us to the hilarious suggestion of leaving memories alone. The only minus was Flair constantly crying like he'd just finished watching that part in Armageddon where Bruce Willis blows up the rock and dies. Three nights of weeping aside, this match was THE definitive match of 2008. Best send-off in recent memory even though I hear Flair's already thinking of making a comeback. Meh, who wasn't expecting a comeback anyway, right?
 

 
ANTHONY DEAN: Well, like presumably everyone will say, Shawn Michaels vs Ric Flair at Wrestlemania. It really was emotionally involving. Just the thought of never seeing another Ric Flair match again! I mean I couldn't wait for that old fuck to finally be put down. What.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Simply for the atmosphere, RIC FLAIR VS. SHAWN MICHAELS AT WRESTLEMANIA 24.  Sure, pretty much any guy with an Internet connection knew what the outcome was going to be beforehand, but if you didn't feel the emotion my friend, you just have a heart of stone.  Chances are that's why you're at this fine website!  But I digress.  As far as best wrestled match of the year is concerned, this one doesn't come close.  But a good part of any wrestling match is that it tells a story.  And congrats to HBK and Flair for putting on one of the best stories we've seen in a long-ass time.  Woo.
 
JAMES SWIFT: And to supply this debate with a healthy does of esotericism: KENTA and Kota Ibushi vs. Naomichi Marufuji and Katsuhido Nakajima. Four of the absolute best talents in the world completely tearing it up for thirty minutes straight. And the five-minute overtime period? If all you've had to eat is WWE and TNA all year, you deserve to taste a REAL five-star meal.
 
SHANE STEELE: Michaels-Flair was a great, emotional match. And props to Shawn for taking that sick bump on the announce table.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: My ass and your… DAMMIT! That’s the second time!

You can’t go past Michaels / Flair. It had everything – a captivating storyline with two experienced veterans who excel in both the physical and psychological aspects of wrestling, colliding on the grandest stage of them all. The match’s concluding “I’m sorry, I love you” was a true Wrestlemania moment. The only downside was hearing that fucking “Leave the Memories Alone” lyric over and over again.
 
NEIL CATHAN: I kinda want to be cheap and give it to three different matches for three different reasons. The entirely fictional main event in the spectacular movie "Gachi Boy: Wrestling With A Memory". A emotional and funny movie that is full of in-jokes by the makers who are obvious wrestling geeks, Gachi is one of the best films I've seen, and the tag match that concludes the movie has an excellent mix of psychology and workrate, along with clear faces and heels.

Since that wasn't an actual match, I have to flick a coin between the storytelling in Flair's final match, and the insanely good ring work in KENTA/Ichimori vs Bryan Danielson/Eddie Edwards, which I was lucky enough to see live. Obviously, the ring work was no slouch in Flair vs HBK, and there was solid psychology in the tag match too. So if you're more a fan of psychology, I'd say the last Flair match is the one for you. If you prefer fast paced action, go for the tag match from European Navigation. If you're a wrestling fan, or just someone who watches good movies, check out Gachi Boy.

 
NICOLE COOPER: These awards are making me realize that 2008 was nowhere near as bad as I originally thought it was. This one came just as easy to me as the last one did. The match of the year is no doubt Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair at WrestleMania 24. It had everything that anybody could ask for in a wrestling match. The actual wrestling was great, it was set on the right stage, and the emotions, well, I guess it had a few of those thrown in there as well. [/internetsarcasm] I'm risking sounding like a total jackass here, but anybody who says that they won't remember the sight of Michaels saying "I'm sorry. I love you" to Ric Flair, is either a liar or one of the dumbest people alive today.
 
GERSHON LEVY: Based on the fact I didn’t see most of these, I’d go with the Flair/HBK match.  It had a more predictable ending than a squash match but the buildup and the emotion during the match itself really made it special.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Flair Vs HBK. It was emotional, well told, and had the right finish. It was in other words awesome. There were a few others that was great as well, but there's just nothing like an old man beating up an even older man…plus it spawned the photoshop that was unjustly robbed of a fanny award, Old Yeller 2.


28)The BENNIFER/ TomKat Award for Worst Match of the Year:
Nominees: Whatever made you feel like using the Butterfly Effect to return to the womb and entangle yourself in the umbilical thus retroactively preventing you from having ever seen it in the future.
 
SEAN CARLESS: HHH vs. Vladimir Koslov at Survivor Series. This match did in one night, what communism could not in 50 fucking years: completely break the spirit of the Western world and cripple the world economy. Or just the first part. Seriously. Had this match taken place in 1985, we'd all be speaking Russian right now and wearing furry hats. Freedom would have taken a back-seat to just ending the pain. Who needs a cold war. Beahugs for 15 minutes straight are the real solution to capitalism. I'm telling you.
 
 
DEREK BURGAN: I have to plead the fifth as there are no note-worthy worst match of the year, but to be fair, I spend most of my year FF'ing through hundreds of potential nominees. If I did have a vote, I'm sure Rhaka Khan would have been involved.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: I can't decide between two. First there was Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly vs. Ted Dibiase, Jr. and, uh, Cody Rhodes. Not only did this match have the most predictable outcome fucking EVER, and not only did WWE defy all logic by having Cody drop one half of the tag titles to himself, but Hardcore Holly was in it. Christ, what did we ever do to deserve that? Then there was Chris Jericho and Batista running the worst Gauntlet of all time^2. So poorly booked, we ALL shared Mike Adamle's confusion, and that's usually impossible. The entire time I watched that match, all I could hear in my head was that guy from the Joe Schmo Show yelling out "Whaaat is goooing onnnn?!" I just can't decide! Let's just wipe these both matches from our collective memory.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: Batista vs Chris Jericho's World Heavyweight Championship match at Cyber Sunday. There was more fighting among all the guys that did nonsensical run-ins and interfered than there was between the two actual match participants. And to cap off the parade of unwatchability with a particularly unsettling blow, after JBL, Shawn Michaels, Randy Orton, and Steve Austin all got their shots in, mostly on eachother, Batista won the title.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Ah, political humor.  Truly, thanks to Comedy Central, it has become a bottomless well of hilarity.  Except when the WWE gets their ugly mitts all over it.  HILARY CLINTON VS. BARACK OBAMA made my soul cry.  Clearly, because Donald Vs. Rosie was such a great idea, let's do it again!  And you know some backwoods retard out there honestly believed Hilary and Barack were going to throw down, live on Raw.  And he probably loved the match regardless, because if that didn't show how pro-Republican Vinnie Mac is, I don't know what will.  Yes, Democrats make shitty wrestlers!  VOTE REPUBLICAN, OR UMAGA WILL KICK YOUR ASS TOO.  Sometimes I really feel sorry for Cameron Burge.
 
JAMES SWIFT: Truth be told, I really haven't been all that up-to-date on this year's suckery, so I'll arbitrarily choose any of those Miz/Morrison vs. Moore/Wang bouts from early January ECW. Yeah, technically, they weren't all that bad, but in hindsight, it wasn't worth getting a "D" in Biology class and truncating torrid second-base sessions either. Oh, the sacrifices an Internet writer makes for his beloved fans.
 
SHANE STEELE: I was really interested in who Ted's mystery partner would turn out to be. And I'll admit I was shocked when it turned out to be Cody Rhodes. Where it went after that bored the snot out of me. So, looking back, it kind of sucks now.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: Usually I’d be all for a Diva clusterfuck, but that one of the 3-hour edition of RAW was just woeful (see #1).
Special mention goes to Triple H vs. Kozlov at Survivor Series. That didn’t even pass as a RAW main event. I love Kozlov and all, but he’s nowhere near singles main event status yet. Such a waste.
 
NEIL CATHAN: So you have the most significant event in wrestling this year: Ric Flair's final match. This could main event literally anything ever. Not only should this match have gone on last, but if something was going to go on after it, it should not have been a trashy divas match. A match that made me angry for it's positioning on the card, was utterly shit and had lighting difficulties. Bullshit.
 
NICOLE COOPER: Any match involving Snitsky pretty much reached all new levels of suck. But that one goes without saying, so I'll give this one to Candice's return match against Beth Phoenix from whatever taped episode of Raw it was on. I always thought that it would be pretty hard to carry Beth Phoenix to an absolutely dreadful match. The girl has an amazing amount of talent. Well, Candice took that though and absolutely crushed it. She must have executed every single move in that match incorrectly. I've heard of ring rust before, but hell, that's ring incompetence. It was painful to watch, and I was surprised Candice didn't re-injure herself from sucking so badly.
 
GERSHON LEVY: That whole Cody Rhodes turning on Holly match was so stupid and predictable although somehow Holly has not been on TV much since then.  I don’t expect that to last, he always manages to randomly come back at some point.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Besides TWF (funny) and the TWF Forum (not so funny)? Batista Vs Umaga. As I've mentioned earlier, I haven't seen a lot of newer wrestling this year, but I firmly remember hating Batista with every bone in my body after this 10 minute abortion…fuck that…then again, I can't remember the last time I saw him where I didn't get a similar feeling…here's to hoping that he'll be out for a long time with that injury.


29)BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT SINCE FAKE TITTIES WERE INVENTED (most improved wrestler of the year, for whatever reason)
Nominees: The Miz, The Brian Kendrick, Jeff Hardy, Eric Young, Randy Orton, CM Punk, Code Rhodes, Manu
 
SEAN CARLESS: The Miz. Now I only want to see him die in agony occasionally.
 
DEREK BURGAN: The Miz went from a HOWDY HO goof, or whatever he fucking chanted in ECW that went nowhere, to a legit tag team of the year award winner. He deserves props for that. He's Jonny Fairplay with talent and has broken away from a group of people that we'll be watching years from now on Celebrity Rehab.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: The Brian Kendrick! Who would have thought that a change in wardrobe and some swanky dance moves would help me like the guy more? It's just a damn shame that Paul London didn't find that awesome jacket first. It probably came from a local Goodwill store, with Ezekiel Jackson attached for no extra charge. On a sidenote, Pulp Fiction's one of my favorite movies, so I think it's my obligation to like Big Zeke. At least that must be how WWE Creative thinks. Personally, I'm waiting on Kendrick's feud with Edge, just so Vickie can start hollering and Ezekiel can scream out "TELL THAT BITCH TO BE COOL! SAY 'BITCH, BE COOL'~!" It should be pretty awesome. Dated, but awesome.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: THE Brian Kendrick. He's small, agile, charismatic, and his ring work is solid. Considering it's the WWE, this guy should've been wished well a long time ago, but he's done an excellent job in running with his new gimmick and, barring any unforseen hhhurdles, could easily go on to be big. Figuratively, anyway. Solid second place goes to The Miz, who has improved to the point that he no longer brings down his partner John Morrison in every match. Sometimes still, yeah, sure, but not always, and really, what more can you ask? It's the fucking Miz.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: CHRIS JERICHO.  Jericho's evolution from basically coming back and NOT CHANGING HIS CHARACTER WHATSOEVER FOR THE PAST 7 YEARS to super serious righteous heel has been one of the biggest surprises of the year for me.  Don't get me wrong, I always liked Jericho.  But come on, he was calling himself Y2J in 2008!  If that doesn't scream "dated character" I don't know what does.  So what does he do?  Heel turn big time, and find a way to stay completely in the right.  The key to an awesome heel is for them to constantly believe that they are right.  When has Jericho, post turn, believe he was wrong?  NEVER, that's when, asshole.  You add that onto his track record of entertaining matches, and you have one awesome guy.  One that'll probably not be doing shit the early part of the year, but awesome nonetheless.
 
JAMES SWIFT: I'm going to pick Cryme Tyme, simply because they were introduced as blatantly racist caricatures with little to no in-ring ability in 2007 and now, in 2008, they're blatantly racist caricatures with some modicum of in- ring-ability. By 2018, they should be a better team than the fucking British Bulldogs.that are still blatantly racist caricatures.
 
SHANE STEELE: Is The Miz nominated every year? But seriously, he did get a lot better this year, both in the ring and on the mic. And his bit where he mocked Festus going insane had me rolling on the ground laughing.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: I’ll give credit where credit is due: Miz’s in-ring ability has come along very nicely, and his partnership with John Morrison is one of the only decent things on WWE TV.
 
Special mention goes to Eric Young. When TNA doesn’t have him running around Memphis looking for Elvis, you notice he’s actually a decent wrestler.
 
NEIL CATHAN: If only some company would give Kevin Nash the opportunity he deserves. Here is a young man who has so muchh potential, but I'm worried that politics are going to hold him down. Anyway, I feel he has come along in strides (figuratively speaking, of course. Striding to the ring can cause him to blow his quad) from last year, where he only worked a few tag matches on PPV. This year he was pinning the company's best hope for the future, and making supposedly the most dangerous and unstoppable force in the company, and one of it's few homegrown talents look like a jobber. Boy, did that ever seem familiar for some reason.
 
NICOLE COOPER: The most improved wrestler this year isn't the most improved because he got better in the ring. Hell, he doesn't even need to get better in the ring because he's already great. No, instead, the most improved wrestler this year improved by actually gaining a strange gimmick, making it work, and showing everyone that he actually has an insane amount of charisma and the ability to cut some awesome promos. Oh, and he smoked a lot of weed too. That's right, I'm talking about The Brian Kendrick.
 
GERSHON LEVY: I have to give it to Randy Orton this year.  This was the first year I actually took him seriously and thought he was a credible wrestler.  Wrestling for me has been reduced to surfing the internet during Raw and looking up when something interesting happens.  I admit I look up fairly often if Orton is on TV.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Hehe, I almost gave it to Hardcore Holly, but yeah…The Brian Kendrick. He went from random flippity floppy guy #2 alongside that grinning buffoon called Paul London, to ditch his sorry ass and actually get a gimmick, a push and like a billion fines for smoking weed…all in all a pretty good year…plus he got a random black guy to help his ass out, and that worked out pretty well for Jericho.


30)I'D BUY IT... IF I COULDN'T STEAL IT (PPV of the year):
Nominees: Great American Bash, WrestleMania 24, No Mercy, One Night Stand, Royal Rumble
 
 
SEAN CARLESS: Ginormous Jugs 2.  I ordered it the other night, and was thoroughly entertained. And unlike wrestling this year, it actually featured half-naked people trying to lie on top of each other that I actually cared about.
 
Ah, I kid. I'll go with Wrestlemania 24. It had something for everyone. A grandfather being kicked to death. A midget child being bludgeoned. Innoccent people on fire. Little Naitch breaking Ben Johnson's 1988 sprinting World Record. HHH not winning. You know, the stuff dreams were made of. Just not the one's I usually have. Thank God. Because, boy would that have been awkward for my guests. You try explaing why a horse with a party hat is suddenly fucking a woman.
 
DEREK BURGAN: Being live at WrestleMania was a great moment. Knowing my arch-nemesis Green Lantern Fan was there, dressed in a tuxedo, acting as an unofficial greeter, puts it over the top.
 
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: WrestleMania is the PPV of the Year. Know why? Because it's WrestleMania. Seriously, what else is there to say? Um... "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"? Actually, I really did enjoy One Night Stand, as it was, shockingly enough, the best post-'Original ECW' One Night Stand. It could definitely use a name change, though. Now that it's a three-brand uber-WWE production, exactly what are we getting just one night of? This is where I'd add in a hilarious answer, but, damn it, I don't have one.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: One Night Stand, where every match was fun to watch and Orton was FINALLY taken out of the main event picture via a broken collarbone after main eventing so many consecutive pay per views you'd think he was actually over or something.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: I know that it's become quite the norm to say WRESTLEMANIA is the PPV of the year, but usually it just has no equal in terms of quality.  WM 24 had something for everyone.  Serious historical significance (Ric Flair's last match...we hope), genuine surprises (come on, who thought Randy Orton was winning?), high flying spot-monkey showoffs (it's the yearly MitB tradition), all-around fantastic matches (the main event in particular - Batista/Umaga, not so much), guest appearances, and TITS.  Not every match was a winner, I can give you that, and the outdoor venue made for some interesting conditions, but I really cannot see how anything comes close to matching the big time feel of this PPV.  Even if our asses felt sore the next morning from slapping down $70 to see it in HD...
 
JAMES SWIFT: I'll break the rules once more and select a non-televised card as my selection for PPV-of-the-year. (Aren't the terms PPV-of-the-year and Card-of- the-Year interchangeable?) Regardless, ROH Supercard of Honor III gets my vote. Aries\McGuinness tearing the house down followed by twenty minutes of hot lucharesu-on-lucharesu action? Yes, sir, I like that. I like that a lot.
 
SHANE STEELE: The Great American Bash really sticks out for me, if not only because it was the night Matt Hardy lost the US title and my brother and I danced around the room in joy. In case you haven't noticed, I really hate Matt Hardy.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: WrestleMania 24. It was the only PPV I ordered that was worth… (looks at cable bill).
Lemme start that again. It was the only PPV I ordered.

What?
 
NEIL CATHAN: The only year in the last decade which has seen a better PPV than Wrestlemania was 2005, when on June 12th, ECW returned to the Hammerstein Ballroom and put on the only real ECW ONS PPV. One Night Stand in it's first edition was one of the greatest PPVs in history. One Night Stand was a cruel mockery as usual this year. So Mania will get my vote this time around.
 
NICOLE COOPER: This one is pretty obvious, WrestleMania 24. Every single match on the show was above average, and even included a Randy Orton victory in a match where no one thought he stood a chance. Aside from the crappy ECW title match between Kane and Chavo (which doesn't count because it's ECW) the show was almost perfect. Of course the fact that the Match of the Year was included in it only helps its case.
 
GERSHON LEVY: I pick the Royal Rumble but I’m a little biased because I actually saw it live and in person.  Regardless of my negative opinion of John Cena, I was completely shocked he was in the Rumble.  That was one of the rare times WWE actually got me on a swerve.  Of course then I was just plain pissed off.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Wrestlemania…because it was the only Pay-Per-View I saw…so there…other than that, Superbrawl 96 was decent…


31)WENDY WHOPPERS "BEST PAIR OF THE YEAR" (Best tag team)
Nominees: Miz & Morrison, Miz & Morrison,Miz & Morrison,Miz & Morrison,Miz & Morrison, or other people not Miz & Morrison.
 
SEAN CARLESS: Miz & Morrison. But come on. Like there's really anyone else. This category is like a beautiful woman competing in a beauty contest filled entirely with other girls who look like Corky from Life Goes On. You could take a shit on the stage and blumpkin the three judges, and you'd still get the crown.
 
DEREK BURGAN: I'm going with Jimmy Jacobs and Tyler Black in ROH's Age of the Fall, but I'm not going to cry when Miz & Morrison win it. It's been a great year for tag teams, especially on the indy scene with the Briscoes, Steen & Generico and numerous Dragon Gate combinations.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: Miz and Morrison, as they'll gladly tell you every fucking week on The Dirt Sheet. Two Slammies, a couple of Tag title reigns, and the ability to rub a little personality off on the former Edgeheads, Zack and... um... the other one? YOU KNOW IT, WOO WOOO WOOOO. Yeah, Miz and Morrison are pretty awesome, but it's not like this was a tough decision considering the tag division is still really weak. So weak, in fact, that these two guys are appearing on all three shows almost every week. Now that deserves my vote! The Dirt Sheet pretty much saved their careers Miz's career, too. Clap it up~!
 
ANTHONY DEAN: John Morrison and The Miz. Who knew giving guys time to talk would get them over? Anyway, great team, almost a shame that they'll have to break up someday so John Morrison can go on to fulfill his destiny of being a six hundred time world champion, but alas, it is inevitable. Until then, though, this talented, hilarious, always fun to watch team will be, well, hilarious and fun to watch.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: MIZ AND MORRISON.  Considering the team's '07 origins and how they basically bullshitted out of that corner (hey, we insult each other all the time but now that we're tag champs we all of a sudden are best buds!), this team has consistently improved, and at this point, is bar none the best tag team in WWE.  All time?  Debatable.  In other feds too?  I'm sure there's a forum devoted to the discussion somewhere.  But anyone who thinks Jesse and Festus, THE COLONS, or any other team of two random guys with nothing better to do can compare to Miz and Morrison, well, they might know how to walk and breathe at the same time soon.  Why do you think they got the titles on Raw?  BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ONLY ACTUAL TAG TEAM ON THERE.  That might speak more to WWE's priority of the tag division, but still.  What team has entertained you more this year?  Rey Mysterio and Evan Bourne?  ...Yeah, but that was only one match.  And who were they facing?  MIZ AND MORRISON.  Case closed.  I think.
 
JAMES SWIFT: KENTA and Taiji Ishimori. They're like the Riggs and Murtaugh of kicking Asian people in the face really, really hard.
 
SHANE STEELE: I was going to give it to Bam and Chavo based only on Bam's great facial expressions, but then I remembered Chavo makes up the other half of that team. Miz and Morrison were awesome this year, both inside the ring and out of it. Their Dirt Sheet bit were they summoned Paul Bearer from the dead was hilarious.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: I must say that the tag team match between Miz/Morrison and Jesse/Festus on Smackdown recently provided me with one of the only laugh-out-loud moments I’ve gotten from wrestling in quite some time. Morrison kept ringing the match bell, sending Festus in and out of his trance-like state, while Miz mimicked his every move. I’ll say it again; Miz and Morrison are one of the only decent things on WWE TV.

The other is Glamarella, who gets my vote solely due to one Santino Marella. The “sanamagun” has just the right mix of shtick, charisma and in-ring believability. While it would be nice to see Beth Phoenix wrestle in more matches, she also plays a good straight-man (no pun intended. Seriously).
 
NEIL CATHAN: Between the Machineguns and LAX this year. Both have had some great matches, and work well together as teams, with styles that really blend (In a side note, this reporter comes bearing news that tag teams vanished years ago due to McMahon, in an attempt to jump on the popularity of internet phenomenon "Will it blend?" stuck the tag division in a giant blender.) (Side-side note: This story is of course, ridiculous, as readers will notice. Vince McMahon being up on the times? Yeah, right.)
 
NICOLE COOPER: Although I hinted that Beer Money Inc. would be walking away with this award in my TNA recaps, I had a slight change of heart. Something amazing happened this year. One man I love and one man who I absolutely despise(d) joined together to form a tag team that ended up being so amazing, that I ended up loving the one man I once despised. John Morrison and The Miz are easily the greatest tag team of the year. They work great together in the ring, they cut such good promos together, and The Dirt Sheet is internet video perfection. They managed to trick me into believing that there's still hope for tag team wrestling in WWE, and that alone is a serious accomplishment.
 
GERSHON LEVY: Like Wrestler of the Year, I agree with the Slammys and pick Miz and Morrison.  I never thought I’d give the Miz any awards but these guys are the perfect blend of egos and they actually wrestle pretty decently too.  Funny how both of them came from MTV reality shows.  I’d give honorable mention to Glamorella but mainly because Santino is awesome.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Miz & Morrison…and I can't believe I ever would say that. They work well together and they are for the most part actually pretty funny as well…sure Miz is a little annoying…a lot annoying…but it's acceptable when you have Morrison to play off him, and they've both developed into pretty solid wrestlers. Now if only WWE had a tag division so they would matter…if only…


32)FULL-FRONTAL FEUDITY (Feud of the year)

Nominees: Shawn Michaels vs Batista, HBK/Y2J, Jake Roberts vs. his pants, Jeff Hardy and Triple H, HBK and Flair, Orton and Jeff Hardy, Kofi Kingston/Shelton Benjamin, Edge/Undertaker, Lance Storm/Balls Mahoney
 
SEAN CARLESS: Sean Carless vs. Apathy. And the fact that I'm seemingly more absent than a Baby Daddy in the Ghetto these days is a testament to who's winning this rivalry. And I'm actually a guy who once blew off having sex in 1998 for a 5 hour block of RAW & Nitro! (But mostly because it'd have took me an hour to inflate my "special lady".).
 
But seriously, HBK vs. Jericho, easily.  It taught me to find religion again. Turns out it was in the sofa cushions all along. This feud was like a spiritual awakening for me. It had all the great twists and turns. Blood was spilled; pants were lost; and wives were punched in the face by people whose first names weren't umm, Stone Cold Steve.  What was there not to love?
 
DEREK BURGAN: Scott Hall vs. Sobriety, although this was kind of a squash match seeing how it all turned out.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: I think we all know by now that I REALLY enjoyed Edge and Undertaker's feud, so how about I give this one to Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels? Only because, unlike Edge vs. Undertaker, both Jericho and Michaels put a lot into the storyline aspect of their feud. Not a knock on the Undertaker or anything, 'cause he definitely delivered in his matches, but I hate that he never does anything for the actual storylines anymore except maybe appear out of thin air and say something ridiculous about the eyes of the dragon. Anyway, Jericho vs. Michaels was just so intense. I fucking loved every minute of it, especially when Nitro Girl Whysper got her lip collagen knocked askew. Punching a woman in the face: IT'S KID FRIENDLY. Tell you what, though: I'm getting pretty sick of that stupid, forlorn look that's been plastered on HBK's face all year. He looks like his face is melting faster than Christmas snow.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: Randy Orton and Jeff Hardy certainly had a good, short rivalry at the beginning of the year, but the Hardy-Trips feud was even better. It's been building since last year's Survivor Series, when they were the sole survivors of their team, and carried through number one contender maches, an Elimination Chamber, and even a CHAMPIONSHIP SCRAMBLE. It was built on mutual respect and amiable toleration for a while, but that has finally given way to fierce opposition, with both men managing to remain face all throughout ; it isn't about bloody beatdowns or economic crises or whatever crazy shit, it's just pure competition. It has now culminated in Jeff Hardy finally winning the WWE Championship, and since that belt's nameplate features a name that isn't Triple H, you know damn well it's not over. I give this award to Jeff Hardy-Triple H due to longevity, flexibility, and just simple, great storytelling. Besides, Randy Orton vs His Motorcycle was just way too one-sided.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: I will go with...SHAWN MICHAELS VS. ANYONE THIS YEAR.  It's a shame the guy's getting old.  Time is a bitch like that.  That being said, HBK has provided some of the most entertaining TV this year.  In the ring, for me it was good, not great.  That's why Edge got the nod for Wrestler of the Year.  Out of the ring though?  I have to give Shawn the slight upper hand here.  Psycho Edge was great, but that was only a matter of weeks.  HBK gave us pure awesomeness with Flair, Batista, Jericho, even JBL!  Come on, how often do you get good stuff out of JBL these days?  Michaels continues to be an absolute machine in the WWE, no question.  Who knew laying off the coke was such a good idea?
 
 
Oh, and even his WIFE is good at selling.  Is HBK's seed like the blood of Christ now?
 
JAMES SWIFT: The BURNING / Kensuke Office feud is not only the best rivalry of the year, but one of the most intellectually stimulating and rewarding feuds in pro wrestling history. Over in Japan, storylines are booked based on internalized, relatable elements and not.oh, say, the CEO of a company giving birth to leprechauns with his Lucky Charm sperm. I once heard some Internet message board nerd compare the KENTA/Kenta Kobashi vs. Sasaki/Nakajima saga to The Dark Knight, meaning the rivalry has transcended its cartoony "pro wrestling" container and become something far deeper than comical fare. Thoughtful, reflective stuff about corporate ascension, father- son business relations, nepotism and personal obligation from a purportedly shallow industry.
 
SHANE STEELE: HBK and Y2J really delivered in the ring, but please, can somebody keep them off the mic? Their promos were putting me to sleep. That aside, great matches, great feud.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: As usual, Michaels manages to hog all the best feuds of the year – all of which start off with his opponent highlighting how selfish he is, only to have the crowd cheering for HBK by the end of it. I don’t know if Michaels is that good or if WWE fans are that stupid.

Against Batista he was good. Against Y2J he was great. But for the WM24 match alone, 2008’s feud of the year was Michaels vs. Flair. Hopefully the Nature Boy will become the only wrestling personality with credibility if he ultimately decides to stay out of the ring for good. Please, Ric, don’t get sucked into this whole “one more match” bullshit. You virtually left on top – keep it that way.
 
NEIL CATHAN: A storyline where two wrestlers had a believable reason to fight, which developed over time, as did the characters of both wrestlers, who were both charismatic, great in the ring and over, which re-made one of them as a main eventer. I have to give the award to the excellent feud between Jericho and Michaels this year. Spectacular stuff.
 
NICOLE COOPER: In order for something to be the feud of the year, it would have to include the wrestler of the year. No feud this year was greater than Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels. The history behind it, the matches that took place over the course of it, the little extra things done to keep it alive, and not to mention the promos. The promos were probably the best part of the entire feud. Turning Chris Jericho heel was an amazing move by the WWE, almost as amazing as the creation of this feud.
 
GERSHON LEVY: I have to give this one to Jericho and HBK.  Jericho’s heel turn through this feud has elevated him big time and he became much more interesting to watch because of it.
 
ESBEN EVANS: HBK Vs Jericho. It had it all. Great matches? Check, Great Story? Check, A woman getting knocked the fuck out? Check. All in all, it was done almost perfectly. HBK was actually in the 3 best feuds of the year, and they all segued into each other nicely…I can't believe I'm gonna say this but…well done WWE Creative…well done…I think I'm gonna be sick.


33)"LIKE SCROTUM, HERE IT IS IN A NUTSHELL" (Single defining moment of 2008, good or bad)
Nominees: Whatever 2008 embodied for you.
 
SEAN CARLESS: The defining moments of this year are the defining moments of every fucking year. Nothing ever changes. Hey, remember when HHH Main Evented Wrestlemania? John Cena got the belt and beat a bunch of people you kind of liked better? How about that time Batista got a million title shots?  Orton looked poised to take it to the next level, then it all went tits up? Jeff Hardy made a lot of bad decisions? That one guy from ECW got the World Title for 2 seconds then lost it back to the same old bullshit we always get? How about that time Samoa Joe was misused? The X-Division was ignored? The Castoff WWE/WCW guys got all the opportunities in TNA? Sure you have, because this is WRESTLING, every year, for the last 4 years. But hey, it's had a lot of awesome moments, too. It's just overshadowed a lot by the bad.
 
Wrestling in 2008 is like a husband who beats the fuck out of his wife, then buys her a mink the next day. You hurt like hell, but you forget you have no teeth for a few minutes, because man is that mink pretty. The beating is regular WWE/TNA booking. The mink coat is CM Punk,  Edge, Chris Jericho, HBK &  Flair.
 
But I will persevere! I'm still an optimist--leaning toward being a Megatronist. Wrestling is what it is. It's my old lady. She's getting ugly as shit in her waning years, sure; but damn it, I'm going to stay loyal because its familiar and I still have my memories of when she was awesome. Plus, I'm too ugly to get anyone better. UFC? As if she'd date me.
 
DEREK BURGAN: While I think CM Punk becoming the pussy world champion is a good pick, I'm going with the WWE State of the Union address with Stephanie McMahon emasculating all the wrestlers in the ring at once. That's wrestling in a nutshell with everyone we love being subservient to the whims and demands of someone we loathe.
 
CATHERINE PEREZ: The single defining moment of the year for me came with ECW's New Talent Initiative. Ten years from now, all our favorite current WWE stars will be GONE, and in their place will be guys like Jack Swagger, Ricky Ortiz, Evan Bourne, DJ Gabriel, and Gavin Spears. Oh, and probably Marty Jannetty for about two weeks. And Funaki. I refuse to order WrestleMania 45 if "'The Living Legend' Gavin Spears" is headlining, with "WWE Legend Kung Fu Naki" as special guest referee. I'm begging WWE for some wrestlers with some fucking staying power. PLEASE.
 
ANTHONY DEAN: The last thirty seconds of Ric Flair's retirement match. "I'm sorry...I love it." It symbolized the end of an era, and the dawn of a new one. That being one without promising young talent constantly jobbing to a sixty year old man who really doesn't need the wins. Well, in the WWE, anyway. If you do for some reason ever feel like reliving that era, you can just tune into TNA anytime between now and, well, probably forever.
 
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Plain and simple, we expect things of the wrestling industry nowadays.  We expect WWE to not change, even in the face of declining ratings.  They were thinking about it, at least, but NOPE, welcome to the past 5 years.  We expect talented wrestlers to ultimately get nowhere for purely bullshit reasons.  Hi, Elijah Burke, how you doing?  We expect the occasional glimmer of hope, and the occasional surprise.  John Cena and CM Punk can attest to that.  We expect ROH to put on awesome matches that no one ever sees, and we expect TNA to perpetually suck enough to put a black hole to shame.  So, when I look for a defining moment of 2008, I look for historical significance.  We all know what that was last year.  This year, it was RIC FLAIR'S RETIREMENT.  Say what you will about his later years, but the guy has been entertaining using pretty much the same act for three decades.  Think about that.  What has been consistently entertaining for that long?  The only thing I can think of that lasted that long is Saturday Night Live, and you'd be a fool to think that has been constantly entertaining.  Sadly, he'll eventually be back in the ring (lots of ex-wives hitting up your wallet will do that), but for now, he's done.  Stay done Ric.  You've earned it.
 
Honorable mention goes to both Hardy's holding world titles at the end of the year.  Come on, did you really think THESE GUYS would be holding two of WWE's top titles?
 
 
My goodness, that makes my eyes bleed.  Happy new year everybody!
 
JAMES SWIFT: I always try to reflect on the past as if I were ten years into the future (huh?), so I try to abstain from selecting the instantaneously gratifying elements of the year as being "most significant". That being stated, the two most important things to happen in the pro wrestling gamut this year are also two things that most fans haven't realized yet. Number one is the continual degradation of the Japanese wrestling scene. If the powers-that-be keep fouling up the way they have been, we could be in store for a 2001- esque industry wide collapse in the land of the Rising Sun. Now, what kind of effect does that have on the American wrestling scene? A lot bigger pull than you'd think. The second must important thing to happen to wrestling in 2008 is.the UFC. Seriously. The next big thing in pro wrestling is the adoption of more MMA-like in-ring product, and if you're thinking "Hey, a promotion based entirely around realistic, non-sports-entertainment worked- shoots? Awesome!" you'd be a.) right and b.) not all that informed, because those crafty Japanese folk have been doing it for years (RINGS, UWF, the list goes on and on). So, that means we have an ensuing paradigm shift, based on a Japanese template, in which said nation's industry is spiraling into the shithouse. and as we all know, American remakes of Japanese originals are never that well executed.
 
SHANE STEELE: Since I saw it more than anybody else (unless it happened multiple times on PPV), Triple H pinning Jeff Hardy a bazillion times was just his little way of reminding us that he can rule any show, no matter who's on it. Now Smackdown is Triple H's kingdom and nobody is safe.
 
THE SIXTH CHILD: So the intelligentsias at World WRESTLING Entertainment decide that the best name for someone who WRESTLES is… an entertainer?

That pretty much sums it all up right there. The industry isn’t enough of a joke, now we can’t even call wrestlers “wrestlers”. First you force-feed me this “World Wrestling Entertainment” bullshit, now you’re making me drop the word “wrestler”. By this time next year WWE will be known as “Place Inhabited By Humans Some Of Them Entertainers Entertainment”. PIBHSOTEE just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

Here are some predictions for the future I pulled out of my ass just now:
-          “The Wrestling Fan” will soon be renamed “The Entertaining Fan”.
-          Cedric the Entertainer will become the next ECW champion.
-          Sarah Palin will include “Batista the Entertainer” alongside “Joe the Plumber”, “Mary the Nurse” and the rest of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood in her 2012 campaign.
-          Mickey Rourke will win the best actor Academy Award for his gripping performance in “The Entertainer”.
Vince, I know it’s hard running the world’s biggest wrestling company. But I also know that you’ve purposely made it hard for yourself – and the poor saps who work for you – by insisting there be no days off, reruns or off-seasons for what is now a stale, unappealing product.

Instead of looking for ways to make it easier for everyone, you just seem to keep on finding ways to make it harder for everyone: your employees, WWE fans, EVERY ONE. Now you come up with one of the most fucking ludicrous policies of all time: take away the word “wrestler”. Good luck trying to convince those outside the industry that wrestling is a legit medium… just don’t use the term “wrestler”.

After all the shit you put these people through – people who live out of a suitcase on a wing and a prayer and on the verge of doing serious damage to themselves just so they can line your pockets with cash – the very fucking least you can do is refer to them by what they are: WRESTLERS.

So here’s to another sucky year of WWE, and on behalf of everyone at “The Entertaining Fan”, I’d just like to say: “Fuck you, Vince. Fuck you in your stupid ass.”
 
NEIL CATHAN: WWE pushed the new talent initiative for a period during this year, gave the belt to Punk, Jericho and Hardy. TNA was starting to show signs of improvement, and that they could be good again, like they were for most of 2006, and put the belt on Joe. ROH had a champion a long time in the making, with a good personality to match the great ring work, had come off a string of great PPVs in 2007, and were set to kick ass with the Age Of The Fall angle.


WWE made Punk look like a jobber as champion, and depushed the new talent as suddenly as the push had begun. TNA made a the same mistakes as ever, and added in doing WCW's last ever angle. The one they died before completing. That's the extent of it's success. ROH had a rape angle, and replaced Sapolsky (who had been excellent with the exception of this sudden case of retard) with a wrestler (which never makes a good booker) who had no experience.


This year in a nutshell is promises of something great from all three large US companies, and failure to deliver from all three. What's frustrating is that they nearly did. 2008 could have been a great year for wrestling. The potential was all there. This made it one of the most frustrating years to be a fan.

 
NICOLE COOPER: The defining moment of 2008 has to be the injury John Cena suffered at the hands of Batista all the way back at Summerslam. It set up what could be considered a major chain reaction of events. All these events are basically what made 2008 a pretty damn good year to be a WWE fan. If John Cena was never hurt, it's safe to say he would have been the Heavyweight Champion once again a lot earlier than how it ended up being. Instead, we got to see something from the WWE that we haven't seen in years: change. Without John Cena's injury, it's right to assume that CM Punk never would have held the title as long as he did, and either would have Chris Jericho, twice. It put new people in the main event scene and let new people carry the flagship show, and that's all a lot of us have been asking for, and we finally got it.
 
GERSHON LEVY: I’m going to give it to something positive here.  WWE did something this year that I have never seen and we may never see again.  They gave Ric Flair a celebration for retiring unlike any other I’ve ever seen before.  Anyone else even close to his level that would warrant such an event pisses off Vince or vice versa so it never happens it seems.  In a way, it was almost like a chapter of professional wrestling was closed knowing there will never be another one like Ric Flair.  It’s the only time WWE programming made me choke up a little and the person they were celebrating was there to see it.  Kudos to WWE for doing this one right.
 
ESBEN EVANS: Adamle fucking his lines up. I think he's definitely the guy most people are gonna remember 2008 for in wrestling. From his random appearance as a backstage interviewer fucking his lines up, to a gig as announcer where he fucked all his lines up, to becoming the GM of Raw where he…you know…it was his year for good or bad…
CLICK HERE FOR THE TWF STAFF PORTION OF THE AWARDS... (Writers of The Year, Photoshop of the Year, Column of the Year;)
 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).