1)THE FALSE FINISH. This is the award that honors
one star, saying "I can't fucking believe he/she
lived another year."
Nominees: Jake Roberts, Kurt Angle, Jeff
Hardy, Canadian Bacon, Mae Young, Scott Hall, Lex
Jeff Jarrett! I mean,
come on, totally seriously! Kurt Angle said he's
going to turn Jeff's children into orphans! And if
this was the 1920's, I'm sure that'd be kind of a
bad deal. Today? Well, it's just an excuse
to *finally* live in a home where your guitar
lessons don't end with you unconscious surrounded by
shards of wood and powder. So, yes, that's my pick.
Normally, I'd go with Scott Hall or Jake the
Trouser-Snake Roberts and his pantsless penile pied
piper routine-- as evidence of impending demise--
but if history has taught me anything--other than
the fact that it always seems to happen in the
past-- it's that the people that you EXPECT to die
are never the one's that do. That, and it turns
out Jake Roberts and Scott Hall were actually born
off the shores of Scotland in the latter 1600's, and
secretly carry broad-swords in their carry-all.
Now, if not Hall or Jake, then who?
I guess, I could *maybe* pick Jeff Hardy; because
you know, when the company you work for creates an
angle ahead of time, where they exploit how you will
likely end up dying anyway, then maybe we
too should see the writing on the wall. You know,
like the lyric in his song. Only intelligible and
ungay. I mean, seriously, the guy's trailer burned
down! What more could you want? A fire extinguisher
to put out 300 dayglo wifebeater t-shirts, a
dog, and a few dozen cut-up leg warmer arm bands?
Man. Who'd have thunk that a guy once hooked on Meth
would have so many flammables in his home? What a
But still, Jeff survived it all, and
even won the WWE Title! So, he's off my list, too.
Besides, he already crawled out of one hole
already, so I have faith in him and his sweet living
abilities. His promo abilities? Not so much.
So, *officially* I'm
sticking with Jeff Jarrett.
So, beware! Kurt Angle always comes through
on his promises! Bar sobriety! Although, secretly, I
suspect he's probably just going to pin Jarrett
instead of murdering him. Which will still be kind
of awkward for everybody. So much for that 2nd
Kurt: "Remember when I said I'd kill you and
leave your children to be raised in foster care? Ya,
I *really* just meant I'd suplex you a few times and
maybe lay on top of you for 3 seconds. Sorry about
So, yes, Jarrett needs to be
watching over his shoulder. And not just for
homosexuals drawn to his wardrobe like a beacon. Oh,
and he better take out a good life insurance policy!
The cost of his tombstone alone will be in the tens
of thousands. (You try finding a 100 foot
wide headstone because everything on it is
Ok, I'm done.
Ah, the Jake Roberts Memorial Award goes to Scott
Hall, who somehow found new ways to
throughout the year and is already
promising to be an early candidate to take this
award next year through his association with the
Enabling Clown Posse. That is, he'll take the award
if his body isn't found in a crumpled car on the
side of the road of some Florida highway, which
certainly wouldn't shock anyone at this point. I'm
encouraged by the fact that Shieky Baby should
probably not be in the running for The False Finish
and is turning the corner from Out of Control to
CATHERINE PEREZ: Jake Roberts, whose year
included making a good amount of impressionable
children fear snakes forever after whipping out the
one in his trousers at an indy show. Surprise,
surprise. Oh, and overall being
drunk off his ass drugged according to his
assistant, Shannon, and getting jumped by an angry
JT Lightning at the same show after wrestling such a
piss-poor match. I should add that Jake claimed to
have no memory of the event at some Boston radio
show. That's why there's YouTube~! But seriously,
someone fucking help Jake out already; I'm tired of
seeing him nominated for this when the award should
pretty much be handed over to Mae Young as a
Jeff Hardy, who in this year alone beefed up his
already impressive deadpool odds by failing another
wellness test, being barred entry onto a plane for
being too drunk, and, oh yeah, accidentally burning
down his trailer in the North Carolina woods. Jeff
Hardy parted ways with the WWE in 2003 because they
demanded he go to rehab for his drug problem and he
refused. On a completely unrelated note, the average
lifespan of a meth addict is approximately five
years after the addiction starts. Just throwing that
I would've given it to her last year too were I a
writer, but MAE FUCKING YOUNG, holder of probably
the most ironic name in wrestling today. Dear
God, woman. Personally, as soon as Moolah died
I thought Mae was going to be taking a dirt nap as
well. I mean, when one lesbian goes down for
the count, the other one dies soon after, right?
Admittedly, my knowledge on lesbians is a little
rusty. How she is still even walking is a
mystery to me, but don't let that stop WWE from
putting her over the ENTIRE DIVA ROSTER! She
kind of deserved that near-paralysis for thinking
that was a good idea.
To sum up, Mae Young:
She's old, and old people should die.
I'm going to break from the group consensus and
nominate The Dynamite Kid. I kind of find it hard to
believe that a paraplegic chain-smoker living in
British hospice care with a metal rod jutting out of
his big toe hasn't found a way to absolve himself
from the mortal coil yet. Factor in his previous
battles with drug addiction (which one? All of
them!), alcoholism, and borderline sociopath
behavior (he used to wake his wife up in the morning
by jamming a shotgun into her face), and the
existence of Tom Billingsley remains a miracle akin
to throwing a Molotov cocktail into Roy's House of
Fireworks, Gasoline and Oily Rags and not hearing an
explosion immediately afterwards.
Mae Young. I have no earthly idea how this woman
keeps going at the age of 85. Heck, my grandma's
about that old and I don't see her taking on Beth
Phoenix. Then again, maybe I haven't been looking
THE SIXTH CHILD: My first choice would be “Vicki
Guerrero’s career”, but once again I have to go with
Mae (not so) Young. While I’m happy she’s still
living life, any shred of enjoyment I got out of her
appearances died after her last showing on RAW. It
was like watching a David Lynch film on heroin –
TNA. The company was haemorrhaging money at the
start of the year, spent more money on outside
talent, while burying any chance to make their
existing workers into stars. Much though I'm a Mick
Foley mark, he hasn't affected ratings at all.
Nothing TNA does affects ratings. The company is
flat lining exactly as much s it was last year,
drawing the exact same buys and ratings. Although
they do now have the support of terrifying Al Sow
fans and stalkers. And they seem to be in endless
supply. Maybe I'm just hoping they'll die.
Although Scott Hall could easily be selected for the
winner of this award, Scott Hall did spare us from
full exposure, and for that, I thank the man. Saying
Scott Hall had an "off year", while no doubt being
an understatement, still does not compare to the
"off year" that one Jake Roberts had. But is anyone
really shocked at this point? Being surprised that
Jake Roberts lasted another year is like being
surprised to find out that Batista forces his cancer
suffering wife to vacuum. You see, you're not
surprised because you already know that Batista is a
self-important jackass, much like you know that Jake
Roberts is simply the worst train wreck you will see
in this sport right now.
GERSHON LEVY: Mae Young magically lived a
year beyond Moolah now, and STILL makes appearances
on WWE. Funny how she
ended up kissing Khali because I heard he referred
to her vagina as a Punjabi Prison with the cobwebs
and what not.
Jake Roberts. I know, he's the obvious choice and
all but really…why the fuck no one has mercy killed
the poor son of a bitch yet is beyond me. I vote for
someone to pull an old Yeller on him, drag him
behind the barn and Superkick his ass. It's the only
humane thing to do.
FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Best instance of a company
giving some fuck-up his walking papers.
Nominees: Braden Walker, Karen Angle, Lance
Cade, Mike Adamle, Big Daddy V, Kenny Dykstra, Gabe
Part of me wanted to nominate Big Daddy V. If
only for getting fired for being fat...despite the
fact that he was only ever employed because he was
so fucking fat. Ridiculous.That'd be like the
circus canning the Elephant Man because he's ugly as
Circus owner: "Jesus Christ,
Merrick, you've really let yourself go! Have some
fucking pride in your apperarance already!"
But alas, there was another choice
that took precedence. Another who's true
language can only be understood by the ramblings
of the fellow phonicly challenged Master Yoda. And
I'm "getting a little emotion here" just thinking
about my choice. Poor Mike Adamle. I mean, *just
because* you have 30+ years experience in
broadcasting, doesn't mean you should be expected to
do your job well or even remotely competently. Wait.
Yes it does. Huh. maybe if the WWE superstars were
fighting with fucking giant Q-tips, he'd have found
the resolve to properly call the shit like he did
American Gladiators. (There's only one true "Nitro"
in his heart, and it had sweet fuck all to do with
But still, WWE *had* to
justify paying him $300,000 dollars a year, so they
tried everything they could to make him fit, until
they finally found something that really worked and
that he truly excelled at: Unemployment. I mean,
clearly, it's the best job he's ever done. He's a
total natural at it.
So, ya, my heart goes
out to Mike Adamle, as does my bowels. He was
the first and truest Adamle Original. But mostly
because God purposely broke the mold Clash of the
Titans-style after his creation. He wasn't taking
any more chances after that. I can't say I blame
DEREK BURGAN: Well, the worst would have to
go the mind-bending firing of Gabe Sapolsky in ROH,
but there were so many legitimate firings that it
might be hard to pick just one. I'm tempted to say
Big Daddy V, but I don't need my email box swamped
with his objections, so I'll go with Braden Walker.
The first big "jump" of any note from TNA to WWE and
it may be the last with how big of a fail he was.
Coming it out of shape and uninspired is probably
not the best way to make a first impression.
Granted, the "new and improved" Chris Harris wasn't
completely his fault, but enough of it is that he
deserved the pink slip.
CATHERINE PEREZ: Without a doubt Lance Cade.
Sure, Braden Walker's ridiculously short WWE run was
a total knee-slapper, and Mike Adamle flubbing his
lines terribly on his last night will be remembered
fondly for years to come, but getting shitcanned
after having a drug-induced seizure on an airplane
to the point where Lilian Garcia had to save Cade's
ass... that's the stuff that pink slip legends are
made of. There's just no topping this one, and I
dare any Superstar to try to. I'm looking at you,
Jeff Hardy, and you, pot-smoking The Brian Kendrick.
I have a cock-eye, you see. It's quite depressing
and not my sad attempt at the har-hars.
Paul London, who has been teetering on the edge of
pursuing future endeavors ever since his ironic
smile absolutely RUINED the solemn event that was
Vince McMahon being murdered on live television by a
carbomb in his limo before returning three weeks
later completely unscathed.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: For
me, it's gotta be SNIIIIIIIIIIIIIITSKY, the pride of
Nesquehoning, Pennsylvania! Keep in mind,
there's probably a good reason you've never heard of
that town. Probably because it's most famous
person is fucking Gene Snitsky. As soon as hey
strayed from killing babies and licking feet, I knew
it was all over for the big man. Oh, I guess
the being completely useless in all aspects of ring
work didn't help his case either.
Add on to all of that this nice little tidbit -
those hideous teeth are permanent! Holy shit,
was he setting himself up for a lifetime of ridicule
or what? Nice knowing you Gene, say hey to
Justin Credible for me!
So.you're a lower mid-card guy that, inexplicably,
receives the absolute biggest push of your fledgling
career, securing a rare pinfall over one of the
industry's grand lions. You now find yourself in the
larval stages of a potential main event push,
brushing elbows with the company's biggest players.
What's your next move? Well, as we all know, the
correct answer is "anything except have a
coke-induced seizure on an airplane". And thusly,
Lance Cade is the recepient of this century's "Good
job, you dumb fuck" award statuette.
Wait, Rellik (that's Killer spelled backwards!)
didn't get nominated? Jeez, poor guy can't catch a
break...until today that is! Here's to ya, Rellik!
Hopefully, Mike Tenay doesn't follow you around a
la Steve Irwin and remind you that your name is
indeed "Killer" spelled backward. 'Cause that would
Tenay: "Here's Rellik, that's Killer spelled
backwards, buying his groceries! Will he have enough
items to get through the express lane?".
THE SIXTH CHILD: Depends on what you mean by
“best”. If I was an absolute prick (and my
manservant I affectionately call “Fuck Knuckle”
assures me I’m not), I’d go for Braden Walker – WWE
pulls the rug from under him before proceeding to
give him shit on ECW and WWESHOP.
But my vote has to go to Karen Angle. Getting an
ACTUAL divorce after working through a FICTIONAL one
on TNA takes the whole “art imitating life” thing to
a new level – a really fucking low one.
NEIL CATHAN: By the time you are reading this
I'll be dead, someone else will have
made mention of the brilliant Braden Walker DVD
package. Heh. Package. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=uwyFABQX62A The DVD that's replaced
Rise and Fall as my favourite DVD. Mostly because
Vince McMahon came into my house and replaced it
with footage of WWECW, because that's the only ECW
that ever existed. Remember that Vince McMahon run
with the belt? E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB-U-DUB-U-E!
Braden Walker. Need I say more? Well, if you insist.
It's one thing to show up at your new job a little
bent out of shape so to speak. Ask Kevin Nash, he'll
tell you all about it. As long as you are willing to
show up at said job and at least put SOME effort
into it, then it becomes harder to criticize and
complain about said wrestler. And now, here comes
Braden freakin' Walker, a guy who shows up so out of
shape (for the biggest opportunity of his life),
that he looks like he slowly but surely devoured Big
Daddy V in his spare time (which clearly, he had a
lot of since he didn't spend much of that time at a
gym). Add on top of all that a few ridiculous
promos, sub-par matches and fucking knock knock
jokes, and well, knock knock. Whose there? A pink
slip - nice job ruining your entire career.
Mike Adamle is too easy, so I go with Big Titty V.
This guy had a great lowercard gimmick as Viscera
and they ruined it by having him take off his
nightgown. That guy has more folds than aTexas
Hold ‘Em tournament. Honorable mention goes to
Snitsky and his butter teeth which I heard he had
permanently yellowed. Maybe he can be the
“before” picture for dental surgery (or “after” if
you’re a sick bastard).
ESBEN EVANS: Braden Walker. From the moment he
stepped into the spotlight and delivered the worst
knock-knock joke known to man (worse than even mine
"knock-knock. Who's there? Mike. Mike who? Mike
Adamle"), I couldn't wait to see hiss fat, fat…fat
ass back on the curb. Of course there was the
delicious irony in him getting fired so quickly
after feeling he was too good for TNA…which in all
fairness most people are…just not him.
3)POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR. Backstage
maneuvering should be rewarded in year-end awards,
just like it's rewarded in real life.
Nominees: Triple H, Michelle McCool, Funaki,
Batista, Jeff Jarrett, Kevin Nash, Kurt Angle, John
Cena, Hulk Hogan
Michelle McCool. The only person in the company who
can have Undertaker wrap his legs around her head,
and not be carried out on a stretcher. And as a
reward, she got a belt that looks like it should be
coupled with a Hannah Montana back-pack, a powerpuff
girls make-up bag, and a fucking Hilary Duff DVD.
I can just picture HHH
shaking his head in disdain at this disturbing
HHH: "Jesus Christ,
Mark. What kind of message do you think it sends to
the locker room when a World Title is created from
scratch and an entire show is written around the
egocentric blond your fucking?"
Undetaker: "Gee, I don't know, Paul. Why
don't you ask your wife?"
Before associating with Kevin Nash, Samoa Joe was
one of TNA's top talents involved in the three
biggest PPV numbers the company has ever done. Since
Kevin Nash, Samoa Joe is nothing but a whiner who
fans are starting to boo out of the building. Kevin
Nash? He went on to be a part of the Main Event
Mafia and is involved in all the top angles. I
wonder how he sold that one to management?
CATHERINE PEREZ:Funaki's nominated? Really? The
guy who had to follow WWE Creative around FOR YEARS
begging, "Please, let me wrestle as a
one-dimensional stereotype of a Chopsocky martial
artist with a gimmick that hasn't been relevant or
even cool since 1974," as he waved a piece of paper
with all his ideas around? I'd hardly consider that
award-winning politics. So, of course, I'd be remiss
if I didn't put my vote down for Michelle McCool!
And somewhere, Triple H throws his sledgehammer onto
the floor in defeat. This year, Michelle's been
treated to a
Bratz Divas' Championship title run, a swift kick
to the forefront of SmackDown's women's division,
and lots of other things that probably no one will
remember in five years ("Remember when she won that
giant fucking blue star? Me neither.") - all thanks
to her willingness in letting the Undertaker think
inside her box. And by 'think' I mean 'insert his
cold zombie dick' and by 'box' I mean 'malnourished
twat that probably defies all logic by having a
protruding ribcage of its own somehow'. Don't ever
let someone tell you that you can't get what you
want by making those with power (in this case, the
power to conjure lightning indoors) real happy in
their pants~! Congratulations, Michelle, for earning
a little backstage stroke... even if that stroke
must be tiring your bony hand the fuck out by now.
Oh, come on, I'm kidding! I'M KIDDING.
ANTHONY DEAN:Batista, who more or much, much
less said "Look, I haven't held the title for
several months, and I don't know how my old
broken down ass feels about this sudden 'giving
promising young stars a chance' business, so either
I start pinning every motherfucker you guys got, or
I leave to go star in movies and race cars before
you can say 'HRRRAAAAGH' and mime turret gunning."
How sad of a person do you have to be to need a
fucking gimmick prop to reaffirm confidence in
yourself? YOU WORK AT A JOB AND RECEIVE AN OBSCENELY
LARGE PAYCHECK FOR IT. EVERYTHING ELSE IS SECONDARY.
"BATISTA" IS NOT REAL, DAVID. MY CAPS LOCK IS
NEIL MCGILLOWAY:Personally, I think it's too easy to go
after the usual suspects on this one. Batista
once again spends the year fighting for a title each
PPV, just because he can. Yawn. HHH
dominates everyone on Raw, only to move to Smackdown
to do it all over again. Boring. I am
long past caring about TNA, so Jarrett and pretty
much everyone in the Main Event Mafia can take a
hike. No, let's go with a real Dark
Horse(face). MICHELLE MCCOOL. Who else
this year pretty much had a new title created for
the sole purpose of getting themselves over?
Booker T? I JUST SAID FUCK TNA! Who knew
that loving life was good enough to convince
everyone that you should be booked like Supergirl?
What do you mean, she's boning The Undertaker?
POPPYCOCK! Nothing proven! You only say
that because they're walking together in every
single picture ever taken outside of arenas for
So, congrats, Michelle, you've just joined a
very exclusive club. A club of whiny douches
that have someone to bitch to when they don't get
their way. I got you a present for the
occasion! A cheesesteak. Eat it.
Now. Please, for the love of God.
JAMES SWIFT: Trips, Taker.amateurs. Those guys
have nothing on Mitsuharu Misawa, a guy that allowed
his company to spiral into bankruptcy in lieu of
relinquishing booking power. For God's sake, he
wouldn't job to his best friend (a national icon, to
boot) in his return match.from mother fucking brain
SHANE STEELE: I've got to give this one to
Funaki. Somehow, some way, he's figured out how to
be featured on TV on a weekly basis, finally try out
his kung fu gimmick, and in one of the most
frightening moments of my life, almost beat Edge.
That's some major politicking right there.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Usually when you launch a new
Championship belt you give it to your best
competitor. So naturally, with a roster that
includes names like Victoria and Natalya Neidhart,
you hand it to… Michelle McCool? Man, who is she
sleeping with? And more importantly, why can’t it be
NEIL CATHAN: Well, the award does read
"Backstage Maneuvering", and I don't know about
that, but how about all the backdoor maneuvering
that Michelle McCool lets Undertaker do? She's so
good at that game, she's got the Deadman to lie on
his back for more than two seconds. Who's managed
that feat recently? Good for you Michelle McCool,
for showing us that getting a rise from the Deadman
can get you a rise on the card. That letting him
push (and push) into you can earn yourself a push.
She's not talented in the ring, but her position on
the card shows she must be talented other places.
Thank you, I'll be here all week. And all of 2009,
presuming I don't get fired by Sean. It's ok, I'm
planning to marry his daughter. I can be as crap as
I like, and pin all the other writers during the
course of my recap. I can't wait.
NICOLE COOPER: It has to be Michelle McCool.
Getting on Maryse's back about her abilities is one
thing, but trying to teach the other Diva's how to
wrestle "WWE Style" when your own wrestling style
can easily be described as "shit", well that
basically means that you are in no position to talk.
But instead of being called out for her actions, she
is instead rewarded with an enlarged Barbie doll
accessory. Life is good when you're able to get an
undead locker room leader in the sack.
I’m giving this to John Cena because he was out
for an extended period twice this year (well the
beginning of the year was the tail end of the first
one) and as soon as he’s back he has a title shot.
I think he inherited the Konami Code from
ESBEN EVANS:Funaki. Seriously we lost Stevie this year…FUCKING
STEVIE! And for some reason, not only is Funaki
still employed, but he's being used on TV again for
some reason. Scotty 2 Hotty? Check, Stevie Richards?
Check, Val Venis? Watch you're back, Funaki and his
brilliant lobbying is coming for you!
4)STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE: (wrestler who's
gained the most weight)
Nominees: Goldust, Braden Walker, Samoa Joe, Big
Daddy V, Kane, Iron Sheik, Randy Savage, Stephanie
McMahon, Shane McMahon,
SEAN CARLESS: Samoa Joe. He keeps getting
bigger, yet doesn't enjoy the usual perks of being
Samoan; i.e. the cement-like head, the perma-casual
work day experience of never wearing shoes, and
awesome tights that all end at the knee. I'm
surprised he even claims to be Samoan. He's totally
getting shafted. I can just picture the awkward
exchange with him tryting to "fit in" back on the
Random Samoan: "Hello, friend. My name is Kokomungo,
and this is my cousin Conacangumu and his wife
Goganga- Famu. What's your name?
Samoa Joe: "Joe."
Kokomungo: "Joe? ...Seriously? Hey, Conacangumu, check this shit out.
This guy's name is "Joe."
Conacangumu: "Joe? Haha! Man! What kind of
fucking gibberish name is "Joe"!?
So, ya he's fat. And not even a real Samoan. I mean,
Christ, I once saw him buying Advil at a pharmacy.
SAMOANS DON'T GET HEADACHES. (neither do retards or
My first runner-up is Stephanie McMahon. Who if judging
by WWE camera work, is just a floating head now with
no lower torso. (I keep waiting for the wide shot
that shows the Henson Studios people operating an
animatronic half puppet.). Seriously. She just ends
at the tits. Which now that I think about it isn't
really that bad. If only more women followed her
grand example. If only.
DEREK BURGAN: Samoa Joe is looking less and less
like the Samoa Submission Machine and more like the
Snack Eating Machine. It's hard to believe now, but
Rikishi was once at around the body type Joe has
now, and we saw how that turned out. Let's hope Joe
straightens out a bit because he while he doesn't
need to be ripped, he doesn't need to have bigger
tits than Lauren either.
CATHERINE PEREZ: Way too many good choices this
year. At first I couldn't decide between Goldust and
Braden Walker, but then I remembered that Takeshi
Morishima "disrespected" his WWE tryout match by
showing up fat. I mean, really, how dare he show up
not looking like a roided up freak so WWE could make
an example of him and suspend his ass after handing
him a small push to show they'll even suspend their
"big" stars because they mean business? The bastard.
And Big Daddy V got FIRED for being fat. Of course,
I don't think Big Vis gained all that weight just
this year like Braden Walker did. The former Chris
Harris showed up to ECW looking like he walked out
on TNA and stumbled over a barrel full of jellyfish
on the way out. Then he fell into and absorbed a
giant vat of that pre-soap ass fat from Fight Club.
Then he walked into a Chinese buffet restaurant and
drowned his sorrows in crab rangoon, which is kind
of hard to do when his hands are permanently
attached to his hips, but that's not a problem since
he's trained in competitive eating with no hands. Or
something. Anyway, this tragic story serves as
motivation for me to lose weight, and I'm definitely
going to mention that to NutriSystem once I lose
most of it, because I want to read "Check out the
story of a woman who was motivated to shed pounds by
an overweight pro wrestler!" on their main page.
Which should be hilarious. So, yeah, my vote goes to
ANTHONY DEAN: Braden Walker. When you see
fucking Viscera get canned for being too fat, you
would think one would take some notice, so what does
BRADEN do? Apparently spend six months avoiding so
much as anyone even named "Jim" and putting on a
weight gain that'd make Roddy Piper say "Get that
fucker to a hospital or the ocean" (in between
shoveling mounds of food into his Pit), and then
just flaunting it in front of ECW's several viewers
like he's JBL or something.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY:I barely saw ol' Dustin in TNA
as Black Reign. So, imagine my surprise when
GOLDUST returned. Ho-ly shit. Better not
inhale too deeply there buddy, lest you want your
bodysuit to tear to shreds and give the WWE kiddies
a little mental trauma to go along with their
JAMES SWIFT: You'll never forget the name
"Goldust", especially if you work the drive- thru at
McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell or Carl's Jr.,
where, judging from Dustin's recent annexation of
girth, is where approximately 85 percent of his
annual earnings end up.
SHANE STEELE: I thought it was just the Black
Reign outfit making him look fat, but damn, Dustin
Rhodes has been packing it on. I've been wondering
what happened to Misty the rat after his TNA stint,
but I think it's safe to say he probably ate her.
THE SIXTH CHILD: I have to say Goldust. You’d
think that after years of wrestling in a full body
suit the guy would sweat off a few pounds. Instead
he has to add pregnancy panels.
NEIL CATHAN: Considering Big Daddy V got fired
due to being too fat too work properly, I will have
to give him and his six breasts the award here. I
for one, find it hilarious that he's training for an
MMA career, presumably on the grounds that Lesnar
managed it. He seems to be forgetting that Lesnar
was over enough to get signed, and ake big money
from fights almost instantly, and actually talented
and in shape enough to win. But yeah, V, aside from
the talent and popularity, you're basically as good
NICOLE COOPER: Once again, is there any doubt
that this award has go to Braden Walker? He shows up
on ECW looking fucking huge, with no right at all to
be wearing that spandex outfit. For those of you too
blind to ever notice, allow me to provide you with
If you can tell me that you wouldn't be humiliated to
be seen like that, then I will laugh in your face
and tell you that you're lying.
GERSHON LEVY:I’m thinking they should change the
name Goldust to Coldcuts or something. Dustin’s been following his dad’s eating
Viscera, or Big Daddy V, or whatever. Now plenty
of people gained a lot of weight this year, but
Viscera looked like he pretty much doubled his. I
know, a lot of people do that as well, but then
again, not many of them had the weight of a baby
elephant to begin with.
5)PUSH THAT MAN!......INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC: (for
wrestler who is least deserving of a Push.)
Nominees: Batista, JBL, Cody Rhodes, Candice Michelle,
Matt Morgan, Mark Henry, Mike Knox, JBL, Ricky
Ortiz, Kevin Nash, Jeff Jarrett, Sting, Vladmir
Kozlov, Michelle McCool
SEAN CARLESS:Michelle McCool. The
anti-Goldberg. "THEY'RE PIPING IN SILENCE!"
Seriously. They have 3 days, and millions of dollars
worth of equipment, and they still can't erase the
1st runner up is Matt Morgan. The man whose DNA was
shot into space. A feat I also accomplish while
watching Mickie James matches. What can I say, I got
great muscle control. And a hole in my roof the size
of a manhole cover.
DEREK BURGAN:"The Blueprint" Matt Morgan? Can
someone tell me why this guy is high on anyone's
list? He's the wrestling equivalent of Brian
Bosworth or Todd Marinovich in the NFL, great
bodies, great hype, but ZERO TALENT. Instead of
sending his DNA into space they should send Morgan
himself and maybe he'll stumble onto a planet full
of over sized goofs with zero charisma and he'll fit
Beer gut? Check! Bologna titties that rival
Stacy Keibler's? Check! An oft-reported reputation
for being an immature jock asshole who bullies those
"beneath" him? Check! Boring, sometimes borderline
prejudiced promos, boring feuds, and a most-annoying
penchant for garnering the cheapest of heat (Germany
says hello)? Check, check, and check! John Bradshaw
Layfield, come onnnnnn down~! He's proven that his
true calling is behind the announce table, which is
ironic considering I would prefer to not hear Jibble
talk ever. He's provided far more boring moments
than exciting ones this year, and I am just sick of
the guy already. In the words of Johnny Rotten,
"FUCK OFF; YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"
ANTHONY DEAN:"The Big O" Ricky Ortiz. You could
let that fucker wrestle in a Megadeus and he still
wouldn't be cool, and his moves probably still
wouldn't land, either. And yes, I did just make an
anime joke. I'm just going to go fuck myself.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Only one man fully exemplifies
this award to me, and that's BATISTA. This guy
had quite the year, with being involved with most of
the PPV main events this year, having countless
title shots handed to him for NO reason, and doing
all that while not changing his moveset at all (gee
I wonder what he'll do this match...maybe a Spear,
Spinebuster, and Batista Bomb?). You know,
just like last year. Yet, he still finds the
time to publicly brag about the trim he has plowed,
along with bitching that he "isn't being pushed
enough." So, to shut his ass up, they give him
a win over (face it) WWE's biggest draw, but not
before he injures the shit out of him. Hey,
have some title reigns while you're at it! I
don't think I've ever seen a bigger crybaby in my
life. Well done, big Dave! Time for your
photo op! Just stand right there...yep, right
there. Be sure to close your eyes and
(Note that I wrote this before hearing Big Dave
going down for several months from a torn hamstring.
One, THANK YOU GOD! Two, I sure do hate being cursed with knowing the future...)
JAMES SWIFT: Let's take another trip to
Japan-land, shall we? Keiji Mutoh (known to some of
you elder fans as The Great Muta) is an old, fat,
broken down shell of a human being. He's so
decrepit, in fact, that he can't even spew his
patented green mist anymore because that involves
the risk of his dentures flying halfway across the
ring. And thanks to nepotism and bullshit polemics,
he's the world champion of TWO, count 'em TWO major
promotions. That's the U.S. equivalent of Buff
Bagwell holding the TNA and ROH titles
simultaneously. As the great Canadian poet Bret Hart
once so eloquently versed, "Frustrated? Frustrated
isn't the gawh-damned word for it!"
SHANE STEELE: You'd think a guy who's more
robotic than HAL wouldn't get anywhere in life, but
somebody sees something in Randy Orton and just
keeps pushing him. Since it's clearly not his
personality, I'm guessing it's those great dinners
with the Orton family. Cowboy Bob tells great
stories and everyone laughs while he awkwardly tries
to eat with a cast on his arm. It's hilarious.
THE SIXTH CHILD:That’s quite a list.
Not the nominees, just the Main Even Mafia
on its own – collectively they have won dozens of
titles, have decades of experience, and have
wrestled… like, what, ten matches since they formed
(not including Angle)? Good to see after WCW went
under, backstage clout still earns you the right to
destroy the up and comers on a weekly basis. Fucking
Special mentions go to >THE< Brian Kendrick (as opposed
to >A< Brian Kendrick), Mark “are you STILL here?”
Henry, JBL (which now stands for “Joey’s Beaten
Layfield”) and Ricky Snore-tiz.
NEIL CATHAN: Ricky Ortiz is apparently getting a
big push in WWE. Who's Ricky Ortiz, I ask? The only
answer would appear to be "Man with least
successful, and least warranted push."
NICOLE COOPER: This one is pretty tough since
there really are so many worthy options out there,
but since I do have to sit through TNA on a weekly
basis, I have to give this one to SUPER DNA himself,
Matt Morgan. The only thing this guy has going for
him is his "perfect" DNA. Although, the last time I
checked, you'd need a little bit more than average
wrestling skills to be considered perfect. Oh, and
any semblance of charisma would help as well. On a
side note, I would no doubt not mind seeing SUPER
DNA being pushed into oncoming traffic, but his
super powerful DNA would probably cause the cars to
bounce off of him, and in turn, spiral out of
control before killing everyone and everything on
the road aside from Matt Morgan. Did you really
think I could make it through this without a DNA
GERSHON LEVY:Even though I don’t watch
Smackdown, I’m going with Vladimir Kozlov because
from what I’ve seen he is not over at all to the
crowd and has a very stale gimmick. Rocky IV
came out over 20 years ago and the Cold War is over.
Then again, every country hates the US now so really
you could use someone from any country.
ESBEN EVANS:Batista. Not only is he boring, unskilled, old, and
annoying. But when he apparently began crying about
not getting pushed enough, despite the fact that
he's been in more World Title matches than ever
thought humanly possible during the course of the
last few years, and he subsequently got another
title reign for some unknown reason, I was this
close to throw something at someone, shoot myself up
with steroids, and complain to my boss that I don't
get enough money…oh, and kill a basketball, just
6)LT. WORF COMMEMORATIVE "CLING-ON" AWARD: (for the
wrestler who has stayed employed through all odds.)/
Stevie Richards Official "I'll Show You.....How to
Stay Employed for 9 Years" Award (as renamed
recently to me by Stevie himself).
Nominees: Jeff Hardy, The Brian Kendrick, Carlito,
Funaki, Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, Sonjay Dutt,
Curry Man, Shark Boy, The Boogeyman, Val Venis
SEAN CARLESS: I refuse to answer this category.
It's lost all meaning for me. Stevie Richards being
released has to be some sort of sign of Armageddon
looming. Live on Pay-per-view. I mean, I could of
sworn there was something in the Bible about showing
us, we'll see, and the prophet with the half shirt
and tiny shorts will be martyred and something.
Seriously. It was right after the moon turning red
and the waters to blood, and the one guy doing that
one thing with the whatnow. It's been a while since
I was in church. Or watched the Seventh Sign. Wake
me up when the seven headed dragon gets here.
DEREK BURGAN: As always I'm going with Stevie
Richards. What? STEVIE RICHARDS WAS WISHED WELL IN
HIS FUTURE ENDEAVORS? Well, I'll be damned. Do you
think that Val Venis just "loses" his cell phone
several times a year in order not to get that phone
CATHERINE PEREZ:STEVIE RICHARDS~! Wait... oh,
that's right. I'm still really sorry for outing
Stevie's secret hiding area just days before his
firing. If you're reading this, Stevie, I'M SORRY.
Anyway, I'm giving this one to CHAVO GUERRERO! Poor
Chavito has been hanging off of Vickie Guerrero's
sphincter like a turd to get some TV time lately,
but he hasn't exactly done anything memorable this
or last year, or the year before. Man, remember
when Chavo got Vickie some coffee? That was awesome.
I'm just saying, if I were Chavo, running errands on
a fucking wrestling show instead of, uh...
wrestling, I'd fucking quit. Actually, in this
economic rut everyone's in, I sure as hell wouldn't
mind making over $100,000 a year serving coffee and
listening to my aunt screech in such a voice that
would've made Helen Keller wince. Would you? That's
right. You keep reaching for that brass ring,
ANTHONY DEAN: The Boogeyman. When a guy's career
for the past two years has consisted of maybe three
appearances to state his name and sing fucking
Christmas carols, you have to wonder if maybe those
worms in his mouth ar e really bait for one-eyed
blue-veined purple-headed trouser trout. However,
with the sudden reappearance of his two front teeth,
his little novelty act may have worn off, and if so,
Boogey better hope that he doesn't suck as hard in
the wrestling ring as he does in Patterson's.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY:...Well shit. OK, let's go with KUNG
FU NAKI. Note I am writing my winners in all
caps. Even if I wasn't, I still would for Naki
on grounds of a shitty name (see the precedent set
by BAM NEELY). The fact that he was barely on
TV at the time he was busted for the juice made me
assume it was sayonara for this perennial waste of
space. But, not only is he still here, he's
getting something resembling a push too! And
all he had to do was completely forsake his Japanese
heritage! So, good on you man. Now learn
some damn English, you've only been here for a
JAMES SWIFT: The fact that any ECW original is
still employed is a marvel unto itself. I can just
imagine Tommy D., Balls Mahoney and Little Guido
calling up some of their old coworkers for
Christmas: "Hey, Axl, how's it going? You're making
$9.50 an hour and you have to catch your own dinner?
Well, back to staring at the ceiling lights for me!"
SHANE STEELE: The Boogeyman is as fragile as a
porcelain vase despite almost all of his matches
being squashes and yet he STILL keeps his job. Man,
if only all jobs were that easy.
THE SIXTH CHILD:Wait a minute… WHERE IS STEVEN
For the life of me I don’t know why the Boogeyman is
still there. Sure, Marty Wright plays the part well,
but what is this? 1985? Go learn a third wrestling
But my vote goes to Val Venis, simply because my first
thought after reading the nominations was “Val Venis
is still under contract?”
NEIL CATHAN: Stevie Richards. Man I can't
believe he still has his- WHAT? Stevie Richards lost
his job with WWE? My god, the apocalypse is coming!
Armageddon! Judgement Day! Other shitty PPVS! I
can't write this entry, I have more important things
to do, like doing enough good deeds, and accepting
Jesus (Not that fish and bread guy, Carlito's
manager) as my personal saviour. He can teach me the
ways of jobbing and being boring in the ring. Truly,
that man was an innovator, getting crushed on PPV by
Cena was before it was cool. But anyway, sidetrack
aside (also atrack, for those you keeping track.)
(And for those of you keeping side.) I must accept
him as my saviour so I can avoid Hell. I hear they
have Heroes of Wrestling and December To Dismember
on constant loop down there, and the only way out is
to find a way to make deathbed WCW booking make
sense. Place is harder to escape than Alcatraz. And
there's not even Rowdy Roddy there, training for his
big match with Hogan. Not even.
NICOLE COOPER: My first year here and I can't
even take the easy way out by choosing Steven
Richards. How sad is that? Well, I will move on, and
I will narrow this down to two options: Jim Duggan
and Sharkboy. I'm leaning more towards Duggan
though, because Sharkboy still does have something
left to offer, and people do seem to love that
ridiculous costume of his. (But then again, you're
talking about Impact Zone fans here, which means
that the opposite of what they say is true.) In all
seriousness, what the hell has Duggan done this year
aside from cry in the ring when Cody Rhodes and Ted
DiBiase pick on him? I'd say it's time to retire
when someone like Cody fucking Rhodes can make you
cry, but I digress. Sure, WWE may very well be
playing the sympathy card with him, and if that's
the case, I say it's time to become a heartless
GERSHON LEVY:I am in tears that Steven Richards is no
longer eligible for this award. Apparently he wasn’t showing WWE enough
or they would have saw it (Sean does that joke way
better). If I have to pick a current guy, I’m
going with Funaki.
Not only does he still have a job, but he got
repackaged with a push???
ESBEN EVANS:Carlito. I thought about voting for Val, but he didn't
openly complain and seemingly want to get fired as
our little Puerto Rican friend did. (Scarface
ftw…and yeah, I know Tony Montana was Cuban, but
really…is there a difference?). He's the only
wrestler who has given Batista a run for his money
in who could complain most for no apparent reason,
and even HE didn't get shitcanned…what does it take
to get a justifiable sacking around here?
7)I WOULDN'T KICK HER OFF MY FACE (Most fuckable woman
Nominees: Anyone you'd plow.
SEAN CARLESS: I'd be lying if I said I haven't
coughed up a little dog water to just about every
Diva in the company. But if I had to
choose, at this moment, I'd choose Mickie James. I
don't even care about those Arby's jokes you hear
everywhere. That just means she loves cock and
welcomes it into the fold. Literally. Cruel people
get down on her (tee hee) saying meaness like
"Philly beef" and what not, but you know what?
That's a pretty delicious sandwich. There, I said
it. If they said "foot-long hotdog" like say Chyna,
then maybe I'd be worrying.
Vaginas are like your socks. Sure, a nice new one looks
good, but the stretched out mishapen one's with
their wrinkles and flaws are still better, because
they're comfortable, you see. They always fit. I
guess what I'm *really* trying to say here is
that I'm hungry and my feet are cold.
DEREK BURGAN:My first and only tie in TWF Fanny
Award history. I tried to break this tie for hours
and just couldn't find a way, so KELLY KELLY and
VELVET SKY are going to just have to share it
between them. If they want to share anything else
between each other, I'd be first in line to pay
$29.99 for the privilege to watch.
CATHERINE PEREZ: I would guess they'd all be
fuckable if they have a working set of female
genitalia, so that obviously leaves out ODB and
Traci Brooks. Sorry, ladies~! Them's the rules or
ANTHONY DEAN: This might just be the little
tinge of Aryan pride in me talking (HEIL
SCHUTZSTAFFEL), but I vote Layla London, who has
successfully metamorphisized from a black girl with
an afro that everyone but Michael Hayes knew and
loved to a posh, really tan British woman with a
perm smooth enough to make Kat Williams' shit look
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Hm. See, at first I was very torn on
this category. And raw. And chaffed.
I'll let you guess where. The thing about
bitches who wrestle (yes I am quite respectful,
thanks for asking) is that they are pretty much all
fuckable. Especially to us, the downtrodden
chuds that write for this wonderful site! So,
I am judging on...other merits.
At first I thought Katie Lea would be a winner.
I mean, she'll bang her brother. And have you
LOOKED at that guy? I figure I have a shot
when her standards are like that. Also, I
thought Melina, simply because of the splits.
Don't act like you haven't wondered if she can still
pull that off while...umm, suffering from a severe
case of "filled vaginitis." But no, the clear
recipient of this trophy (and my filthy, filthy
loving) is VICTORIA. Think about it.
First of all, she has that milf/cougar-y look about
her, like, uh, "I ain't the lady to mess with."
Specifically, once the bedroom door's closed, so
much deplorable shit will be going down that you may
just croak right then and there. I don't care
how old you are, it'll happen. Plus, after
you're done blowing one in her, she can go make you
a pizza, and get you a sweet deal on rims.
Tell me what part of that equation is not completely
JAMES SWIFT: ATTENTION: Whoever may be my other
of significance at the time of this reading: my
admission of wanting to engage in salacious acts
with a comely third party is in no way, shape, or
form a sign of the deterioration of our current
involvement. That being said, I'd have to vouch for
Christy Hemme. Hey, what can I say, James Swift <3s
the fire crotches.
SHANE STEELE: Maryse. God damn, she is hot.
THE SIXTH CHILD: When you look like me you can’t
afford to be choosy. Just hand one of ‘em a
blindfold and tell God I’m sorry.
NEIL CATHAN: Now, much movement though Melina
causes in my pants, I will have to go with your heroine
and mine, Gail Kim. The degree of lame in the
Knockouts Division of late has made me realise how
much we all need Gail Kim in our lives. Especially
me. Dear Santa: Gail Kim+Ribbon=Merry Christmas. Do
it, and I'll get Warrior to stop putting you in
bondage, I promise.
NICOLE COOPER: This is going to be a little hard
for me considering the whole "I am a totally
straight female" thing, but I will try nonetheless.
A part of me is telling me to pick John Morrison,
because hell, he's gorgeous enough and has nice
enough hair to be a woman anyway. And my personal
preferences are telling me to pick Alex Shelley, or
maybe even the best looking man to ever exist on
this planet, CM Punk. But, since I'm all about
cooperation, and since Lita is no longer around for
me to pick her (no, seriously), I'm going to have to
choose between Victoria, Maryse and Maria. It's
gotta be Maryse though.
GERSHON LEVY: I hate to be redundant but still going
with Mickie James.
She is the closest to not being the typical Diva. Did I mention her hometown is about 2
hours from my hometown even though I now live about
4 hours from my hometown which means I now live
about 6 hours from her hometown?
Regardless, I’d travel that distance to hit that.
ESBEN EVANS: Layla London. After she dropped that whole Sideshow Bob
hairstyle, she has quickly ascended to being one of
the hottest women in wrestling…wait, I've forgotten
something…oh…yeah, right…now if only she would
descend onto my cock then I would be eternally
blissful…hehe, I'm so clever.
8)EVEN WE WOULDN'T HIT IT. (Who was the most
unattractive woman of the year?)
Nominees: Anyone you wouldn't.
SEAN CARLESS: No one. I'm like the sex version
of Tommy Dreamer's 2002 eating habits. I'll put just
about anything in my mouth. And by mouth I mean
cock. Even Vickie Guerrero. I mean, why
not? Who am I to judge? Even if she does have a
protracting overbite last seen terrorizing Sigorney
Weaver & her space crew.
Seriously. It'd be an HONOR to put my dick where Hall
of Famer Eddie Guerrero was. In a way, it'd be like
*I* was in the Hall of Fame. A hall made of
vagina. I'd look at it like an homage. Only with
equal parts admiration & respect, and equal
parts semen. The best part though, would be the
impending Eddie tribute....
Sean: "Hey, Vickie, you know when I told you that I
wore a condom?"
Sean: "I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddd, Esse!"
Seriously, don't knock girls just because they're
packing a little weight. Because here's a tip. Fat
girls are already used to putting things in their
mouths. So, that's half the battle right there.
Hunger is nature's great precursor to fellatio. But
just make sure they're not too hungry. Lest your dick return like a
half-digested stock of Indian Corn. Don't say I
didn't warn you. I'm horny now. I think it moved.
DEREK BURGAN: I'm still not entirely
convinced ODB is an actual women. And that's after
seeing her outside of wrestling at a sports bar in
Orlando after an Impact taping. Listening to her
talk to Between the Ropes' Brian Fritz reminded of
that scene in Deuce Bigalow with the large black
woman talking to Deuce. You just can't forget
something like that no matter how hard you try.
CATHERINE PEREZ: Kute Kip, hands fucking down.
Jesus Christ, what started with stealing Torrie
Wilson's ring gear culminated into becoming the
gayest guy and ugliest woman in wrestling since his
own damn self in 2002. Kip James clearly has no
shame. Or female fans. Hey, YOU try finding an
"official" fan website for Kip. Even Dolph Ziggler
has one, and when Dolph Ziggler's got more fans, or
at least fans who are willing to openly admit that
they're fans, it's time to pack up the booty shorts
and call it a career. Plus, he reminds me of Zachery
Ty Bryan and that's just un-fucking-acceptable.
ANTHONY DEAN: That big ugly short-haired blond
woman they got in TNA whose sole job seems to be to
always appear onscreen with The Beautiful People so
as to draw attention away from the fact that
Angelina Love doesn't really belong there either.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: I subscribe to a simple rule with a
woman's physical appearance. No ribs, no
rolls. So, gotta give this one away in a tie.
First up, we have AWESOME KONG. Hey, I can
deal with the big bitches as much as the next guy,
but I really hope her husband is hung like a moose,
else he isn't breaking through that gunt. The
other "winner" is clear - SENSATIONAL SHERRI.
She was hot up until sometime last year, where she
just started losing WAY too much weight for my
liking. Not my thing to be seeing the girl's
JAMES SWIFT: Awesome Kong is such an obvious,
foregone conclusion that stating "I wouldn't hit it
with Don West's dick" is totally superfluous. That
being said.I wouldn't hit it with Don West's dick.
SHANE STEELE: Vickie Guerrero. "Excuse me",
while I go puke.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Vickie fucking Guerrero. You
know that saying “someone you love to hate”? Well, I
hate Vickie Guerrero so much that I hate HATING her.
Never in my life have I ever wanted to kick my TV in
so badly than every time she appears on screen. It’s
not that I find her unattractive, I find her
UNBEARABLE! Excuse >ME< you fucking talentless waste
of my time.
NEIL CATHAN: What are women, like Kute Kip,
doing on a list with hideous men like Rhaka Khan.
Hideous illiterate men. I hear that an inability to
spell your own name is sexually transmitted, so I'll
have to call no sex with Khan for me.
NICOLE COOPER: Are we allowed to combine
options? Perhaps Awesome Kong with Vickie Guerrero's
ear-splitting voice? I'm assuming that that isn't an
option, so my choice is Vickie Guerrero. How she
ever managed to pick up someone like Edge (horrible
booking) is beyond me. I can only imagine what a
night in bed with Vickie must be like for men. You
better not mess up a single thing or you will be hit
with a never ending supply of EXCUSE ME'S~!!1!!!
Vickie Guerrero is a full-blown WWE "Entertainer"
now, which in turn means she's taking home quite the
paycheck, which in turn leads me to ask, what's up
with those teeth, Vickie?
GERSHON LEVY: EXCUSE ME!!!!!
I’d say more but the crowd is drowning me out.
ESBEN EVANS: Awesome Kong. Seriously, I still haven't forgiven
myself for ever looking at that picture from when
she accidentally flashed the world (and by world, I
mean the 10 people ordering that particular
pay-per-view) on TNA. I know, a TWF writer who's
picky about the women he sees naked, isn't that a
bit of a joke. But what
can I say, I'm just not a Fat Chick Thrilla (hey,
it took me until question 8 to make a WCW reference,
props to me *self high five*)
9)THE DARSOW AWARD (For Wrestler who's persevered
through a TERRIBLE Gimmick or Angle)
Nominees: Funaki, DJ Gabriel, Kofi Kingston, Kane, MVP,
Big Show, Chris Jericho, Charlie Haas, Finlay,
SEAN CARLESS: Wellllllllll, it's the Big Show. I
had big hopes for him. Holy shit, puns. But thus
far, nada. Why did the big lug even come back? To
punch like 3 people in the face in a six month
period? To find more really big jewelry to push
soft-boiled eggs through to the jubilation of Jim
Ross? It baffles the mind.
But still, here he is, doing nothing but be at Vickie's
side for really no reason whatsoever other than to
act as her own personal DUFF. (Designated Ugly Fat
Friend). I mean, really, you get a few Big Shows
running around, and all of a sudden you're looking
pretty good. AMIRITE.
Although, I think the *real* reason Vickie *actually*
keeps him around is for his frying pan hands. I
mean, what fat person wouldn't want to hang around
with a dude who has ready-made food heaters built
into their limbs? Exactly. I can't remember what my
DEREK BURGAN: It's only been one appearance or
so, but I'm going with TNA's SUICIDE. Being based on
a videogame character is already one career-killing
knock. The pre-taped segments were horrendous. He's
a character aimed at kids named Suicide for God's
sake! All that said, I didn't think his spot at
Final Resolution was that bad at all and quite fun
CATHERINE PEREZ: This year, the psychotic(~!)
Kane had Rey Mysterio beaten within an inch of his
life... but we just had to take his word for it
because we couldn't even get one segment where he'd
electrocute Rey's balls or anything. On the show,
Rey was beating the shit out of Kane on a weekly
basis, hardly ever alluding to his supposed
nightmarish ordeal with Kane. What better to follow
up this abortion of a storyline than having Kane
fall in love with a frightened Kelly "Beaver" Kelly
like only a 7-foot monster can? It must be love; I
mean, both their names start with K. IT'S FATE. As
of this writing, the love has hardly blossomed, but
I'm sure there'll be a wedding. We all know how well
those go, but at least we won't have to witness Kane
popping out of the canvas looking like a dick
wearing a broken condom. I'm also sure he'll get
that Beaver pregnant. It's quality television, only
completely lacking anything that would have us think
"Kane" when we think "quality"~! My point is, Kane
is the poster child for the Darsow Award. He's had a
bad year every year since he unmasked, but he
somehow can't get the
WWE Universe to hate him. It's his gift. It's his
ANTHONY DEAN: CM Punk. When you spend your first
world title run getting beat down, fucked up, and
repeatedly being forced to make JBL look
presentable, well, you're bound to end up like Rey
Mysterio - still getting pops and occasionally
competing for shit titles, but long past the point
of being relevant or interesting. We've yet to see
if he'll make it to the top again, but so far he's
at least staying afloat.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Who else can this be other than
one MONTEL VONTAVIUS PORTER? I imagine how
that creative meeting went:
Writers: Have a seat, MVP. We'd like to
discuss the new direction we are taking with your
MVP: Oh shit, this isn't about that drug tester I
told off, is it?
Writers: Oh, heavens no, of course not!
What gave you that idea?
MVP: Seriously? This is what you guys do.
You bury the hell out of guys for the pettiest shit.
Writers: ...Well, it's different this time.
So, about your new storyline...you lose to
everybody! Doesn't that sound great!?
MVP: Please tell me you're joking.
Writers: We see you are not thrilled. Well,
MVP, it's either this, or quit. Is that what
you want to do? Maybe go try out for the NFL?
Dick around in Japan for a while perhaps? Why
not try out some MMA and get a giant sword tattooed
on your chest?
MVP: What? Where the fuck are you guys
getting this shit from?
Writers: Oh, come on! We can see it in your
eyes! You want to be like Brock Lesnar and
Bobby Lashley! Stop playing around with us,
just admit it!
MVP: OK, you guys have officially lost it.
*sighs* If I do this stupid storyline, will
you guys shut up?
Writers: You bet!
MVP: Alright, you win. Losing, here I come!
Writers: Exxxxxcellent. All goes according
to plan. Now, let's see what we're going to do
about this young upstart...what's his name again?
It happened exactly like that. Just take
my word for it. Oh and for the record, yes, I
do imagine WWE Creative all speak in unison as one
mindless, robotic, credibility-destroying machine.
JAMES SWIFT: Just fucking pick any ROH alum in
TNA. There are returning Iraqi war vets that haven't
accumulated as much psychological scarring.
SHANE STEELE: The dancing DJ Gabriel gimmick is
horrible, but I'm still rooting for DJ Gabriel only
because I remember his appearance on Smackdown three
years ago as Steve Lewington. Something about the
fact that he put the British flag on the ass portion
of his tights made me laugh.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Kane and Big Show seem to have
some kind of weird, cosmic immunity where –
career-wise – they can crawl through a river of shit
and come out clean on the other side.
Special mention goes to Charlie Haas. Sure, his
send-ups reek of Stevie Richards back in the good
ol’ days of HeAT, and it doesn’t say much when a
wrestler gets over due to other people’s gimmicks,
but at least he’s not emerging from under the ring
wearing a luchadore mask. What the fuck WAS that
NEIL CATHAN: Charlie Haas has turned a lame
gimmick into solid gold. Literally. It's how he can
afford that limo he turned up in that one time. The
Baconmesiter isn't the only one with inside sources.
I hear he's getting the role of Edward Elric for the
upcoming live action Full Metal Alchemist film. He's
already got the transmutation down. Epic win, as you
crazy internet kids say.
NICOLE COOPER: John Morrison, no doubt. First,
you make him go by his "real name" (isn't that
right, Sim Snuka?), solely because he resembles a
singer of a band who died 37 years ago. Then, you
give him what could basically be summarized as
"really shitty catchphrases" to use in all of his
promos. To add the icing on the proverbial cake, you
fuck up his name on a WrestleMania banner by putting
down the name of the guy who he's copying. Turns
out, the sheer awesomeness of John Hennigan managed
to turn what should have easily been a career
burying gimmick into what is, to me at least, one of
the best things going for WWE today.
GERSHON LEVY: Could it be anyone but Charlie Haas? This gimmick has been done so many times
but Charlie actually does decent impressions of the
people he is portraying.
ESBEN EVANS: Charlie Haas. Although since the man never had a
discernible personality of his own, it really
shouldn't come as a shock to anyone that the only
thing that could get him over was mimicking everyone
10)THERE IS A GOD! For the moment when
Lady Luck gave us a lapdance. (award for unforeseen
blessing in wrestling.)
Nominees: John Cena gets injured and loses a lot, The
Brian Kendrick gets an awesome gimmick, an awesome
jacket and smokes weed while keeping his job, Shawn
Michaels/Chris Jericho feud, Chris Jericho gets
thrown into the Championship Scramble and wins, CM
Punk wins WHC, Mike Adamle being publicly humiliated
for being shit and then fired, Triple H being
drafted to SmackDown!, Y2J wins the World Title,
then loses it, but wins it back, Edge takes the
Heavyweight belt from Triple H, Regal becomes King
of the Ring, Randy Orton retains at WrestleMania,
Evan Bourne Debuts, Newly found relevance for the
Intercontinental Title, Vince declaring Hulk Hogan
and others involved with CCW are getting the Randy
Savage treatment, Vince getting off and staying off
SEAN CARLESS: Ric Flair's retirement ceremony. I still can't leave
the memories alone. But hey, they deserve it. Come
on, memories! Learn to stick up for yourself a bit.
That said, HBK and Flair was a GREAT moment. And who
out there wouldn't want a similar retirement for
themselves? You know, minus getting kicked in the
face by a guy who secretly profresses his homosexual
love for you as he does it? I'd just take my gold
watch and stale piece of cake and get the fuck out
in that case.
DEREK BURGAN: This award should be retired with
the Ric Flair retirement ceremony on the RAW after
WrestleMania. Nothing will ever top it and each and
every single fan should remember that moment for
we'll never see it again.
CATHERINE PEREZ: If I were Chavo Guerrero, I'd
probably say "WWE giving me more TV time~!" But,
alas, I'm not Chavo. So what's 2008's unforeseen
blessing? Chris Jericho, who, as WWE's savior,
should officially change his name to Christ Jericho.
Holy shit, how bad-ass. He'd change water to wine
and call us hypocrites for imbibing while applauding
CM Punk's straight-edge ways. Or something. I've got
it about as thought out as a typical Creative team
member would at the moment.
ANTHONY DEAN: I think Randy Orton and John Cena
being simultaneously injured, and Triple H finally
leaving Raw, allowed a few really deserving guys and
also JBL to step up to the title picture on the A
Show. That was a pretty good time. Of course
everything's back to normal now, but you know, it
was nice to see that, left with very few options,
they didn't just throw the belt on Batista. For the
whole time, anyway.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: I would have to give this one to
THE ENTIRE JUNE 30 EPISODE OF RAW. For the
entire IWC, that should be a date etched on the
inside of their skulls. It's the date where CM
Punk cashed in his Money in the Bank to get the
World Heavyweight Championship, if you're a little
slow. So why did I choose the entire show?
Simple. As soon as he got a hold of that title
and JBL challenged for it, who honestly thought he
was going to be lasting the night as champ?
Not a damn soul, that's who. So, don't act
like you weren't on the edge of your seat the whole
match. And THAT is what wrestling is all
about. Not only that, it was the night when
all of the champions on Raw were relatively new (CM
Punk and Mickie James were the only non-rookie
champs), and it gave us hope. Hope that WWE
realized "Holy shit, maybe we should be pushing new
people to the top?" Yes, WWE. Welcome to
the party. Probably three years too late.
Anyway, we know how well THAT direction turned out,
but still, this one night, you got the thought you
were seeing something new from the WWE, and if that
doesn't make you scream to the heavens in praise, I
just don't know what will.
JAMES SWIFT: Hearing about JBL getting KTFO by
JOEY F'N STYLES is not only the best
wrestling-related news of the year; it's probably
one of the most joyous events of 2008 in general.
Seriously, the first time I read about it, I
instantaneously jumped out of my cubicle and started
an "E-C-Dub" chant.and then I used a Sacajawea coin
to purchase a celebratory soda.
SHANE STEELE: At first, it was only the jacket
that I cared about. Then I heard the awesome promos.
Then he got into the Scramble. Now I'm addicted to
his entrance music ('Cuz I'm the man with the
plan!). Hell, even Big Zeke is starting to grow on
me. Simply put, The Brian Kendrick rocks.
THE SIXTH CHILD: I don’t really have a winner
for this category. This is more like “For the moment
when Lady Luck gave us a lapdance… only to find out
later that she was a dude.”
CM Punk winning the title was my “Holy Shit!” moment of
the year, but like Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio
before him, his reign turned into a joke very
Same deal with Triple H being drafted to SmackDown. At
first it seemed like a genuinely unselfish move –
Triple H leaves the company’s ‘A’ show to try and
liven things up on SmackDown. Of course he was
already champ, and Smackdown continues to suck. The
more things change, the more they stay the same.
Remember what Paul Heyman said to JBL at the first One
Night Stand PPV?
“The only reason you were WWE Champion for a year is
because HHH didn't want to work Tuesdays.”
NEIL CATHAN: Wrestling this year has mostly
sucked, overall. It was, however, a hell of a year
in wrestling as far as I'm concerned. I saw Pro
Wrestling NOAH live, which meant I got to see
Japanese legends Kobashi and Misawa clash. Really a
once in a lifetime opportunity. Later that year, I
stood in the Hart Dungeon. Being in the room where
so many of the best in the business have learnt
their craft was an immense experience. Finally, Ric
Flair came to the UK for a Q&A session. I shook the
hand of the greatest in the business, he signed my
DVD, and he revealed during the Q&A that he's
considered Japan's offer of a similar style
retirement to the one he got in the west, listing a
chance for matches with legends such as Muta and
Chono. Holy shit!
NICOLE COOPER: CM Punk's World Heavyweight
Championship win. It has nothing to do with the fact
that I mark so hard for CM Punk that it's almost
embarrassing (okay, I lied, that does have something
to do with it), but it's because it was something
that needed to be done. Badly. It was one of those
moments where the first thing you did after it
happened, aside from screaming in joy, was think to
yourself "it's about damn time". Sure it was handled
horribly after the win, but the win itself was
perfect, and because of it, lead to another
seriously great championship win for another man. We
have CM Punk to thank for even more heel Jericho
greatness, therefore, making this the biggest
blessing this year.
GERSHON LEVY: If I hadn’t waited until the last minute
to write this I would have given it to CM Punk, but
instead WWE finally gave Jeff Hardy the belt he
deserved for quite a while now.
Now please Jeff, don’t fuck it up!
Vince getting the fuck away from WWE programming. To be
fair, I watch extremely little wrestling from the
present day. It's sort of like I live in a Groundhog
Day-like scenario where I relive WCW's rise and fall
between 1995 and 2001 constantly…and…something, my
train of thought just derailed, Bruce Willis was the
only survivor. ANYWHO! Vince has this annoying habit
where every time he's on TV he makes everything
revolve around him, and I'm sure we'll see him again
soon, but every minute with him gone is pure
bliss…what the hell happened with that whole Vince
getting crushed storyline though?
11)BURIED ALIVE. Most frustrating burial of the year.
Nominees: MVP, CM Punk, Scotty Goldman, Samoa Joe,
Colin Delaney, Jimmy Wang Yang, Christian Cage,
Curry Man, Rey Mysterio, Motor City Machine guns
SEAN CARLESS: Killer Kowalski. And HHH was
even his pall bearer, too! Who better, though? I
mean, how many guys has he buried in his life time? Some things just make
sense. Pinning the corpse before lowering it into
the hole? Not so much.
DEREK BURGAN: The worst part of CM Punk's
championship run was that we already saw it happen
with Rey Mysterio and it was just as aggravating.
Granted, wrestling rarely learns from it's past, but
booking a heavyweight champion like a goof = NO
CATHERINE PEREZ: MVP, who went from being my
pick in the BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT SINCE FAKE TITTIES
WERE INVENTED category, to losing every week for
four months since August 29th. It's like Groundhog
Day for the poor guy, and every day is unfortunately
Friday. He heads to Smackdown, loses his match in
under five minutes, and then he probably goes home
and bathes with a toaster. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Not what I expect from a guy named MVP, for fuck's
sake. I remember reading a report somewhere that
this losing streak is WWE's way of testing the guy
to make sure the stars they invest lots of time,
money, and effort in don't up and leave a la Brock
and Choc Lesnar. Nevermind that MVP's not even a new
wrestler or anything, and nevermind that guys like
Evan Bourne and Jack Swagger didn't get losing
streak storylines at all. I can only imagine MVP
asking Vince why he's losing every week, and each
week he gets stupid answers like, "It... uh...
builds character!" or "Didn't you hear? Losing
decreases wrinkles!" Either way, enough of the
losses, and push MVP to a respectable position on
Smackdown already! Lord knows he earned it after his
feud with Matt Hardy last year.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Speaking of June 30, CM PUNK has had quite
the summer, no? He goes and wins the World
Title and looks good-ish by the end of the show.
And...that was it. Silly of us to think that
WWE was going to be pushing the guy, you know, with
him winning the WORLD FUCKING TITLE and everything.
Nope, let's book his reign like Rey Mysterio's on
crack! So where is Punker now, as a result?
- After losing his title at Unforgiven and
losing his rematch in the Raw opener a week later,
hasn't even sniffed the title scene since
- Acted like winning the tag titles was just as
important as winning the World Title. Fun
fact: it wasn't
- Entered into the #1 Contender's tournament
for the World Title, where he will most likely be
completely obliterated in the first round
- Probably will get an IC Title reign, a title
WWE only cares about when there's a DVD coming out
Whoa there, glad to see that reign made him such
a superstar! Seriously, it's the definition of
frustrating, because you would think this would be a
no-brainer. He gets over with the younger
crowd, a good message being sent out there with the
straight-edge lifestyle (especially when guys are
getting clipped left and right from the gas), and
puts on decent matches consistently. So what
do they do? Have him be a jobber magnifico,
only to get ahead when the original guy gets busted.
Jeff Hardy says hi(gh). And all this because
he won't have a beer backstage. Oh well, at
least he's consistent. He sucked at the
beginning of the year, and he sucks at the end of
the year too.
JAMES SWIFT: What was I saying earlier about ROH
graduates in TNA? Putting them on the backburner
while placing Kevin Nash in the main event scene is
like trading in one of the hoover-boards from Back
To The Future 2 for a pogo stick.a pogo stick with
only one handle.that also gives you AIDS.
SHANE STEELE: I'll bet WWE was thinking "Hm, how
can we totally shit on this guy?" when they first
saw Scotty Goldman (better known as Colt Cabana).
Needl ess to say, the comic panel tights helped to
do that. Gotta give the man props, though, for his
little bit with The Great Khali bag puppet.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Mike Adamle.
No, seriously, Mike Adamle.
Think about it. Here is a man who has 30
years of experience as an announcer. He has called
everything from NFL games and the Olympics (!) to
their retarded inbred cousins American Gladiators
and WWE. The guy knows his stuff. So take a credible
announcer and place him in the middle of an industry
that’s unlike anything else in the world. Then,
after a few months of trying (and you gotta admit,
Adamle at least TRIED), that industry, despite all
its flaws and general insanity, has the balls to say
Adamle is no good. Rather than help the guy out,
they give him more exposure, KNOWING he is out of
his depth. This causes Adamle to continuously make a
fool of himself, which in turn pisses off a lot of
fans who stop tuning in. And after several months of
this, they finally cut him loose, but blame HIM for
screwing up, when in fact they are the ones at
Now I ask you, is that fair? It’s like taking the 100m
sprint champion and putting him in a marathon. Then
when the sprinter starts running out of breath, he’s
shunned because he’s “not a good runner”. Adamle is
a decent announcer. Despite his incessant screw ups
he had flashes of brilliance on the mic. But he’s
not the kind of announcer that would thrive at WWE.
But instead of simply cutting their losses, WWE
buries Adamle. I’ve said it once, I will say it
again: motherless fucks.
NEIL CATHAN: As a fan of both Joe and Punk, I
was ecstatic when they on their belts. The way both
title runs have been treated however, left a deeply
sour taste in my mouth. Whether it was Punk looking
like a useless spaz against Batista on the basis
that Batista is bigger, before losing his title
without wrestling, or Joe, the badass monster, not
winning any one on one PPV matches without some form
of assist. Devalued both titles, and the great
workers holding them.
NICOLE COOPER: Perhaps the worst burial in the
past five years or so, and without a doubt the most
frustrating burial of the year has to go to MVP. The
logic behind the burial is perhaps even worse than
the actual burial itself. "Hey, let's see if MVP,
one of the most talented guys we have, really wants
a job here! How can we do that? Oh, I know! We'll
make him lost EVERY SINGLE MATCH he has, and if he
doesn't quit, then he wants to be here!" Does it
sound fucking moronic? Good, because it is. Clearly,
MVP isn't going to quit. He'd be on Don West idiocy
levels if walked away from whatever money he is
getting right now. It's hard to watch though. Why
can't things like this ever happen to people who
deserve it. I'm looking at you Kelly Kelly.
GERSHON LEVY: When CM Punk won the title this year, I
knew his title reign would go like most other guys
not named Cena/HHH/Batista.
But what was really irritating is the fact he
lost the title and didn’t even wrestle in the match
where he lost it.
ESBEN EVANS: A tie between CM Punk and Scotty Goldman. On one hand,
we have Punk who wins the title, only to get the Rey
Mysterio treatment and the get shuffled down the
card quicker than MVP after a bad joke. But on the
other hand, we have one of the most talented,
charismatic wrestlers since Chris Jericho and The
Rock, who is being used as nothing more than a
jobber because the crack WWE creative team doesn't
care for his looks…WHAT THE FUCK! No joke here,
12)SO GREEN, HE/SHE'S BROWN. (get out of the ring
before you hurt someone...unless it's yourself, then
Nominees: Candice Michelle, the Bella twins,
Batista, The Great Khali, Mark Henry, Mr. Kennedy,
Ricky Ortiz, Armando Estrada, Vladimir Koslov
SEAN CARLESS: Candice Michelle. Apparently in
the last 2 years, someone shot her with that
fucking De-Evolution gun from the Super Mario Bros.
movie. Only instead of turning into a
fucking mushroom, she's become a really shitty
wrestler. Close enough.
Special nod of the banana republic sun-hat to to
Armando Estrada; who himself amended Teddy
Long's original mandate and ushered in ECW's first
ever "No Talent Initiative".
DEREK BURGAN: Has anyone wrestler, male or
female, actually regressed faster than Candace
Michelle? I think it speaks volumes when any of the
wrestlers on Hogan's Championship Wrestling could
have a better looking match after only two weeks of
training (by Brian Knobbs and Brutus Beefcake to
CATHERINE PEREZ: Which Diva is green and brown
and crap all over? We'd probably spend all night
naming names, so let me bring up the name of CANDICE
MICHELLE. Candice defied logic this year by
returning to Raw a worse wrestler than she was
before she went down with an injury, and that's just
absolutely mindboggling. Her return match, which was
thankfully on an edition of RAW IS TAPED, was
heavily edited, and watching the raw (pun~!) footage
is embarrassing for everyone. Allow me to be the
harsh yet realistic one here and say YOUR BEST ISN'T
GOOD ENOUGH~! It's called wrestling school. For the
love of God, attend some classes.
ANTHONY DEAN: Ricky Ortiz, because he's
literally brown! Get it, because I'm a vehement
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Unfortunately, I don't have an official source to cite
on this one, but when the doctor's operated on
CANDICE MICHELLE's injured clavicle, they
accidentally excised any and all ring talent she had
too. Honest mistake, must look like a
malignant tumor when it's on a WWE Diva.
Recall her return match (her real one, not early in
the year when she was on like one show before
getting injured again) on Raw. That week, the
show was taped. Lucky for her, because, feast
Boy, something about the end of that match didn't seem
right. What could it be? Let's watch
that last part, without the aid of STUDIO MAGIC:
Dear Lord. No amount of editing in the world
could cover that catastrophe up. I assume they
also edited out the first few rows committing
suicide as a result of this catastrofuck.
Luckily, WWE was quick to take notice and
subsequently wiped her out of existence.
Still, anyone getting near her better have a bed
booked at the local medical facility, just in
JAMES SWIFT: I'm going to catch a lot of shit
for this one, but I didn't sign on to this website
to make friends (or get thrown out of my home, or
break up with my girlfriend, or burn every bridge
I've ever had with my family, but it has!) I'm going
to nominate CM Punk, whose inability to rip-off
KENTA has lead to the breaking of sundry faces over
the last 365 days. At this rate, CM Punk is going to
put more guys out of action than quad tears,
wellness violations and Kevin Sullivan booking
SHANE STEELE: I remember watching the
Batista-Umaga match at Wrestlemania and laughing my
ass off when Batista botched the finish. And when he
stumbled on his way up the turnbuckle that one time
on RAW. OK, Batista botches a lot. At least it's
THE SIXTH CHILD: Mike Adamle (see #11).
side-note, it’s good to see my pick from last year
for this award, the Great Khali, has kept his lanky
ass away from the ring as much as possible… only to
start making out with fat chicks instead. (sigh) It
NEIL CATHAN: Well, Candice Michelle already
hurts herself in the ring on a regular basis, so I
guess this'll go to the Great Khali. Personally, I'm
a fan of his though. He's got a killer
NICOLE COOPER: Speaking of Kelly Kelly. This
girl should be required to come down to the ring
with caution signs glued all over her. Just because
she can do some cool looking flips and jumps,
doesn't mean she's actually improved in the ring. On
the contrary. It actually means that she thinks
she's ready for all of this, which means that you're
chances of walking out of a Kelly Kelly match
without any sort of injury or pain, get lower with
every unnecessary back handspring that she pulls out
of her ass.
GERSHON LEVY: I still don’t trust Mark Henry in
a ring, and yet he still has a job. Let’s give him a big hand! Wow how old was that stupid angle?
ESBEN EVANS: Candice Michelle. She went from green, to a more
blue-ish tint, back to green again just because of
one injury…that's dedication. It's not easy being
13)THE OWEN HART MEMORIAL WORST "HOOK-UP" AWARD (For
worst Wrestling Couple, Real or Scripted)
Nominees: Edge and Vickie Guerrero, Maria and Festus,
McCool and The Undertaker, Paul Burchill and Katie
Lea, Chavo & Bam Neeley, CM Punk and Kofi Kingston,
Triple H and Stephanie McMahon, Michael Cole and
SEAN CARLESS: Maria & Festus? Nah. Once Britney & K-Fed
hooked up, I never again looked at another hottie
retard/ drooling hillbilly love-match with judging
Batista & Kelly Kelly? I'm more disturbed at how head
is possible with those teeth of Kelly's (have you
ever seen a log in a beaver's dam?); or just how
Kelly can get past the disgusting shar-pei like
texture of Batista's skull. I mean, come on. Dude's
with heads like Scrotum getting top-shelf ass?
What's up with that?
But still, both are not enough to nail it for me.
So, that leaves Taker & Michelle McCool. A partnership
that actually makes sense--A zombie would
want a mate who looks like a corpse, after all.
All I know is, by proxy of this, it proves that
Undertaker's actual mortuary credibility is not to
be trusted. Seriously. Michelle, while pretty on a
fundamental level, still looks like she's
decomposing. So it looks like Kane isn't the
only necrophiliac in the Fam. So, ya, that's my
pick. And I still wouldn't trust Taker on the slab
with a loved one any time soon. Things will become
abundantly clear the moment you find a discarded
condom stuck to Grandma's funeral dress during the
wake. Trust me.
DEREK BURGAN: Batista and Kelly Kelly? BATISTA
AND KELLY KELLY?
CATHERINE PEREZ: Maria and Festus, who are in
the most awkward crush storyline since Miss
Elizabeth and George "The Animal" Steele. I think
that's what WWE's going for, too, sans Macho Man.
Unless Macho Man ends up being Jesse or something. I
have a question. Considering the ironic way in which
Maria gained a couple hundred IQ points, would
Festus have to pose naked in Playgirl Magazine to
snap out of his catatonic schizophrenia? Enjoy that
visual. If nothing else, at least we get to look
forward to the awesome wedding pictures, right?
Speaking of weddings, a Festus wedding is one I
wouldn't mind seeing if, and only if, Miz and
Morrison bring wedding bells. It'd be awesome, but
only for about thirty seconds.
ANTHONY DEAN: Michelle McCool and Undertaker,
due to the fact that none of the other nominees had
an entire championship belt made just for them. It's
good to see Michelle is finally being rewarded for
all her hard work doing, um, something? Other
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: MARIA AND FESTUS. It's a totally
believable relationship, you know. Hot
Playboy-quality women date schizophrenic retards all
the time! They just pay a one-time fee of
$2,000 and get her a green card first.
JAMES SWIFT: The mere thought of Uncle Taker and
Michelle McCool engaged in coitus is enough to make
me want to attempt that "touch that removes" eye
gauge that Jennifer Lopez was talking about in
"Gigli". Yeah, I saw "Gigli". Fuck you.
SHANE STEELE: Edge cheats on Vickie with random
black woman. Random black woman interferes in one
match. Random black woman disappears, then turns up
with a dancing British man. Yeah.....
THE SIXTH CHILD: For the second year running:
Edge and Vickie Guerrero. Edge is a brilliant worker
on his own, and the fact that he has to have Vickie
appear with him in every fucking scene / promo etc.
shits me to no end.
Special mention goes to Maria / Festus (please, just…
don’t) and Paul Burchill / Katie Lea. They’re so
plain that I almost (repeat, ALMOST) want them to
finally go ahead with their heavily rumored incest
NEIL CATHAN: Being a fan of the Brit indy scene,
I was so happy when I found out that both Burchill
and Katie Lea had been called up to RAW. Then it
turned out that Vince thinks Britan=Texas. True
story actually. He used to have Booker T lose
everytime he came over here. The incestuous Brits
tie with Edge and Vickie Guerrero for this award. I
just think Vikie'd be better suited with Christian.
Back when she was in the wheelchair at least. The
catchphrase "That's how we roll." Anything with
catchphrase potential is Justin Credible.
NICOLE COOPER: Edge and Vickie Guerrero have
provided me with countless amounts of entertainment
from the days of Crazy Edge. Those were perhaps some
of the best promos Edge has ever cut. Despite what
he has done to attempt to make this pairing
watchable, that bitch Vickie has to ruin it. It's
just not a believable pairing. Not to mention, if I
remember correctly, they weren't exactly on the best
of terms when Edge was taken out of action. It's
just been going on for too long, and Edge doesn't
need to be straddled with anyone else because he is
more than capable of handling himself. Plus, the
less Vickie Guerrero, the better.
I don’t think this one made the list of nominees,
but I am going with Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.
Regardless of your opinion of JR and Lawler, they
were always the standard for Raw. Michael Cole
is the suckiest there’s been, the suckiest there is,
and the suckiest that ever will be. Honestly
this award could go to Michael Cole and anyone.
Cole & Coach. HA! I
completely forgot that this was this year. Seems
like forever since Coach left for a job that didn't
involve getting humiliated frequently on TV…sure
he's still probably humiliated frequently, but
privately, and that makes aaaall the difference, at
least that's what he tells himself every night
before crying himself to sleep…oh, right, and that
teaming between Cole & Coach sucked.
14)THE SHOCKY. Best blooper of the year, (named in
honor of Shockmaster, of course).
Nominees: The Referee fucks up the Matt Hardy/ Miz &
Morrison finish, Steph fucking up her lines and
saying she pulled an Adamle, Batista botching his
finisher on countless occasions, Mike Adamle's
entire WWE Year, WWE Fans celebrate Undertaker';s
title win at Wrestlemania on fire, Vince McMahon vs.
SEAN CARLESS: I liked the "blooper" where all
those people at Wrestlemania 24 got burned alive by
Pyro. WRESTLEMANIA: WHERE MEMORIES ARE INDELIABLY
ETCHED IN THE ANNALS OF TIME...then only removed by
a series of complicated skin-grafts.
DEREK BURGAN: I only hope this award can come
with a YouTube best-of montage for Mike Adamle.
Forgetting your lines on your last show, and it's
your last show because YOU COULD NEVER REMEMBER
YOUR LINES, was classic. Adamle holding his own cue
cards and still constantly fucking up will be spoken
of for generations to come, much like those of us
who had to witness the Gobbeldy Gooker come out of
that fucking egg.
CATHERINE PEREZ: What's more shocking than a guy
in the crowd nearly getting roasted at Wrestlemania
24 by celebratory pyrotechnics? "YEAAAAAAHHHH,
UNDERTAKERRRR, UNDERRRTAAA--- GAAAAAAHHHHHHHH IT
BURNS!!!" Even more shocking is that, instead of
maybe ripping off their t-shirts to help put out the
fire, everyone whips out their cellular phones and
starts recording this guy's misery to upload to
YouTube. What idiots. Don't they know that they
could've made a small profit by selling the video to
TMZ or something? Then Marc Mero and Debra could've
had something productive to do this year when word
got out to that bitch Nancy Grace~! "Nancy, I have a
list here of over 50 fans who died of pyrotechnical
accidents before the age of 45!111" Oh,
Catherine, you're always thinking about the good of
the many! Awww, thanks, random reader!
ANTHONY DEAN: I'm gonna go ahead and say that
stray pyro shooting off into the crowd and burning a
score of people at the biggest show of the year
turns the corner from being a "blooper" a few skin
grafts back. My vote goes to a referee being dumb
enough to count a pinfall after a fucking Side
Effect. Matt Hardy wins few enough matches as it is,
and you think he's going to pick up one with the
FUCKING Side Effect? Come on, use your head.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: The only drawback to having a year
chock-full of ridiculousness is that you can only
choose one for this category. So, let's go
with MIKE ADAMLE'S FIRST NIGHT AS ECW ANNOUNCER.
Jamaican me crazy? Uno dos adios? Looks
like Tarzan, hits like Jane? Bloopers usually
last a matter of moments. A minute, at the
most. Mike Adamle, that night, was an hour
long blooper reel. That's enough for this
award for me. God speed, Mike Adamle, you
JAMES SWIFT: Without question, the best
unintentional comedy of the year involved the TNA
camera crew catching Don West and Mike Tenay reading
the script on an episode of impact! How they didn't,
I don't know.EDIT it out before the airing is one of
those things that only TNA can achieve. I'm just
amazed that Russo can print so legibly with Crayola.
SHANE STEELE: We all know the Side Effect never
wins a match. So who's fault was it really? Wes
Adams for not stopping the count? Miz for missing
his cue? Henry, Hardy, or Morrison for not realizing
something was wrong and breaking it up? Like how
many licks it takes to get to the center of a
Tootsie pop, the world may never know. Still, it was
funny to see Mizark boot the shit out of The Miz
after the match 'cause he was so pissed.
THE SIXTH CHILD:So the pyro cables come undone
at WM24 and fireworks land in the audience. I find
it funny that among other things, WWE uses
Wrestlemania to try and milk some exposure through
several news services. And they did… for all the
wrong reasons. Lucky it didn’t happen back in the
late 90s when just about every space of the crowd
used to be taken up by signage. Even Kane would have
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRYy0vCjb5o Mike Adamle's entire WWE Career. Jamaican' me CRAZY!
Mike Adamle had the unintentional comedy factor of a
terrible movie, and the fact that it was
acknowledged to the point that making a mistake was
called "Doing an Adamle" rules.
NICOLE COOPER: The blooper of the year? This one
is easy. Mike Adamle. Did that man do anything this
year that wasn't considered to be an "epic failure"
or a "major fuck up"? All the way back to the days
of Jeff Harvey, going past the Undertaker getting
BIZZAY~1!!1!, all the way up to Jamaican Me Crazy,
every single thing this man has done this year has
been a blooper. Mike Adamle, the single greatest
Adamle Original you have ever presented to me was
your retirement. Jamaican me really glad that you no
longer have a job.
GERSHON LEVY: I had to put this one in here somewhere. When Jeff Hardy was found unconscious and
the news story was picked up by a couple of media
outlets, suddenly there was this massive scare
amongst a lot of wrestling fans wondering if it was
true or not. Don’t you just love how WWE only hits the
mainstream media when something happens that just
gets them ridiculed anyway?
Vince McMahon got rickrolled…how come no one mentioned
THAT during nominations? What's that? OH, right!
Because of the lights going out ON THE BIGGEST
PAY-PER-VIEW EVENT OF THE YEAR!!! AND IT WAS DURING
SNOOP DOGG'S APPEARANCE! LOOOOOUD NOISES!
15)MR. KENNEDY "CLOWN-SHOES' AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN
THE FIELD OF RIDICULOUSNESS. (wrestler who fucks up,
gets injured, or just plain has terrible luck one
way or another)
Nominees: Chris Harris, the TNA "Frontline", Mr.
Kennedy, Hornswoggle, William Regal, Mike Adamle's
entire WWE Year, MVP, Jeff Hardy, DH Smith, Batista
SEAN CARLESS: You can't really go wrong with Mr.
Kennedy himself. I mean, even Ahmed Johnson--this
category's original namesake-- would be saying
gmpfghkldfddggnhfnm gehjgkkkkk at the plight of
Ken--but mostly because he is completely
And this is the guy giving MVP kayfabe advice on
Smackdown? THIS GUY? The guy's WWE's version of
fucking Nordberg from Naked Gun. Holy shit. I have
20 year old GI Joe figures in better shape and with
more endurable appendages than Mr. Kennedy. He
totally wishes he was Zartan. (although, maybe if he
was more like him, he could just blend into the wall
every time Dr. Black comes in with the piss
But hey, I can't knock Ken too much. He *did* get to
make a movie that I'll be picking up very soon in
that Wal-Mart discount bin filled with Howie Long's
Firestorm and Jeff Fahey's "Sketch Artist 2: Hands
that see". I have to give him that. It'll be the
best 2 dollars I ever spent on something impossibly
worthless. Jesus Christ. Behind Enemy Lines:
Colombia? What, was fucking "Missing In Action: 37:
we can't even get Chuck Norris anymore...and he's
doing nothing" already casted?
DEREK BURGAN: Mike Adamle with the back to
back win here as I can't remember one moment where
he didn't fuck up. When you make Todd Grisham look
and sound like Jim Ross, you've certainly
accomplished the impossible.
CATHERINE PEREZ: Who better than Mr. Kennedy
himself? KAZ, that's who! To make your big comeback
to TNA from an injury as a masked man called Suicide
and then suddenly reinjure yourself, well, it's like
he was asking for it. The Suicide costume, it's like
Kenny's orange parka from South Park. Remember that
Cripple Fight episode when Timmy gave a parka to
Jimmy and suddenly airplanes and cars and whatnot
were nearly crashing into Jimmy as he walked home?
If the Cripple Fight's any indication, Suicide vs.
Jeff Jarrett should be pretty brutal, if it ever
comes about. Speaking of Suicide, by the way, I
really was hoping his gimmick would include trying
to off himself on a weekly basis... like Tim White,
only much more tasteless. Admit it, you'd love it~!
ANTHONY DEAN: I'll give this award to its new
namesake (when you've bested Ahmed Johnson in the
vaunted field of Ridiculousness in Wrestling, you
know something's wrong) and say Mr. Kennedy, who
spent 2008 filming a straight-to-DVD movie and
winding up on injury reserve yet again, AND THAT'S
IT. That was his year.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: One thing springs to mind when I think of
this category. "Knock knock. Who's
there? BRADEN WALKER, and I'm gonna make you watch
some of the worst TV you've ever seen." Well,
for about 2 weeks before getting his sorry ass
canned anyway. Oh wildcat, could you have
possibly given less of a shit about your job?
I honestly wish I could say more about this douche,
but how much material can you get when he's on for
only a couple weeks?
JAMES SWIFT: Who's had the worst luck this year?
Japanese wrestling fans, by far. Companies are going
under left and right, inane booking is keeping the
best and brightest out of the spotlight, NOAH just
lost it's TV deal, and just when you think there's a
saving grace in Kenta Kobashi.he breaks his arm and
is out indefinitely. It hasn't sucked this much to
be Japanese since 1945.
SHANE STEELE: Who would've thought urine testers
were such powerful and influential individuals?
Well, MVP sure knows now. Good luck rebounding after
losing to James Mason and his God-awful tights.
THE SIXTH CHILD: If you asked me a month ago, I
would have said Jeff Hardy. In March his house burns
down. Then he loses his spot in the Money in the
Bank match after breaching the wellness policy. He
then comes back into the championship fray, until
he’s refused entry onto a plane due to intoxication.
Later he gets a title shot at Survivor Series –
until he’s “found unconscious” in a hotel stairwell.
But all his fuckups are cancelled out, as he puts on
a great match with Triple H and Edge to win the WWE
So my vote goes to William Regal. Getting suspended
under WWE’s half-assed wellness policy alone gets
you a PhD in the field of ridiculousness. The fact
that it came after he won King of the Ring AND
retained his spot as RAW General Manager makes him
the recipient of this year’s Knob-el Prize.
NEIL CATHAN: Mr. Kennedy getting injured just as
he was really starting to take off AGAIN. Poor
bastard's kryptonite is success. Here's hoping that
when he returns, he's not particularly popular or
good, for the sake of his health.
NICOLE COOPER: Might as well just pass this one
over to the guy it was named after to begin with. Of
course, the guy gets injured, that goes without
saying. This is Mr. Kennedy we're talking about,
after all. Then, he takes some time off to film a
movie for WWE. Upon his return, he comes back with
what could be the most horrifying facial hair I've
seen on a pro wrestler in a long time, and with
nothing else to do aside from shill out his new
shitty movie. Turns out, none of the WWE fans care
about this movie, or Mr. Kennedy anymore. So what do
you do when that happens? Interview WWE fans about
the election, of course!!!! Yeah, that didn't work
out either. Mr. Kennedy, you either need to borrow
some DNA from Matt Morgan, or just quit while you're
so far behind in luck.
No one was more ridiculous this year than Mike
Adamle. When he joined WWE, I found it
slightly amusing since he’s the former announcer
from American Gladiators and Hulk Hogan was starring
on the revamped version. But his week to week
debacles really fall under the category of “what was
WWE thinking?” Then again that category has an
awful lot of entries.
Mr. Kennedy. There's a reason that this category has
been renamed…he's been suspended, injured, and away
to shoot a crappy straight to DVD movie, to the
extent that I almost always forget that he even
exists…he's been on the verge of breaking through to
the top tier too many times to count, but he always
manages to fuck it up for some reason. He's like a
new Jeff Hardy…WWE, never hire a guy who use the
Swanton as a finisher again…just saying…
16)DON'T GO AWAY MAD...JUST GO AWAY. (For wrestler or
TV wrestling personality you'd most want GONE from
Nominees: John Cena, Batista, Mark Henry, Chavo
Guerrero, The Big Show, Kurt Angle, Sting, Vince
Russo, Hornswoggle, Kute Kip James, JBL, The Great
Khali, Dolph Ziggler, D-Generation X, Stephanie
McMahon, Bob Holly, Vickie Guerrero
SEAN CARLESS: My answer will be the same for the
rest of time, so I'll just C&P it: I don't think I'd
lose too much sleep if Russo, Mantel and Jarrett all
found themselves on the losing end of a "reverse
employment match". They can then follow that up with
a "reverse pulse match". I'd be pretty revserse
upset if this all happened.
Holy fuck. Only in wrestling would they keep
around and reward the same people that already
killed another wrestling company with their same ideas
and ineptness. That'd be like giving the dude who
captained the fucking Titanic
another ship and a pay raise. "Good luck,
Captain! What's the worst that could happen out
DEREK BURGAN: Stephanie McMahon is like those
"parody" movies Hollywood keeps putting out. The
commercials always make them seem funny, but it's
not until you watch them do you realize how much you
hated the last parody movie and why you swore to
never watch them again.
CATHERINE PEREZ: The Great Khali makes me feel
like all I have to look forward to in my love life
is a giant lummox with a protruding chin, a terrible
grasp of the English language, a muttonchopped
handler, and a strange penchant for fat girls. And I
refuse to think that my dream of marrying a guy
like, say, Edge will ever come true just because
I've got more cushion for the pushin' or whatever
you hip kids say these days. Vickie's got Edge, for
fuck's sake! I know there's still hope for me.
Therefore, Khali, get the fuck off my TV screen
before a "Fat Chicks Love Khali" t-shirt is
unleashed onto the unsuspecting public! Then I'd
have to file a class action lawsuit for slander and
libel and other such things.
ANTHONY DEAN: I don't really know who to name
here, now that nobody's favorite anything SNITSKY is
finally gone. That prayer was on hold for about four
years there but I guess it finally got through.
Would wishing away "Kissing" Khali or "Raping" Kane
be getting too greedy? Either of those would be
nice, but seriously, after such a wonderful gift of
seeing Snitsky get future endeavored, I can't even
work up the nerve to ask for it. Oh, wait,
nevermind, I almost forgot about BAM NEELY. Yeah,
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Oh man, this one is such a
no-brainer for me. HORNSWOGGLE. I
imagine I am a little biased on this one, because I
have to recap this fucker nearly every week.
But really, what does this guy bring to the table?
He's a midget, and is employed solely for that
reason. Midgets = funny, don'cha know.
Next, how old is he supposed to be? WWE sure
as hell doesn't know. If he's supposed to be a
kid, why does he have a beard and a tongue stud?
If he's supposed to be older, how come he can't
speak a lick of English (or any language, for that
matter)? If I had to guess, he's just a guy
that had mother nature attack him with an egg beater
while he was chilling out in Mrs. Finlay's uterus.
So, not only is he a midget, he probably forgot a
chromosome or two on the way into life.
Unfortunate. Shall I get flowery with my
language? OK, he is a cacophonous conundrum of
creditless catastrophe. A vertically challenged
muted-mutation of fuzzy un-youth. THAT is how
much I hate this guy, he makes me regress back to
the 17th century! I can honestly say that were
he to be caught in a burning building, I would
laugh. A bit harsh, but them's the breaks.
JAMES SWIFT: The only place Mike Adamle should
be present on a TV screen is during antiquated
reruns of American Gladiators. That, or via the
Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer treatment.
SHANE STEELE: Although his ability to keep
coming back is impressive (how many times has The
Undertaker killed this guy?), I really wish I didn't
have to see Chavo's badger-like face anymore.
THE SIXTH CHILD: For the second year running,
Vickie Guerrero (see #8) followed VERY closely by
Hornswoggle. Sure, he gets the kids excited, but so
does R-Truth’s rapping – and both are fucking
Special mentions go to Chavo Guerrero (see last year’s
entry), JBL and Booker T’s fluctuating African
accent. Seriously, it comes and goes for no fucking
BOOKER: (cock eyed and speaking in that fucking
irritating accent) In my country, the lion is the
king of the jungle.
SIXXTH CHILD: There aren’t any lions in Houston,
(SIXXTH CHILD smacks BOOKER in the face with a shovel)
NEIL CATHAN: The Russo, Mantell, Jarrett booking
team. When crowds chant for someone to be fired, it
is not a sign of a job well done, TNA. I'm guessing
Russo's telling everyone that he turned around the
ship, like he did in WCW. There's a part of me
that's convinced that he's only working for the
company because someone there has a hard-on for
'Death of WCW' by Reynolds and Alvarez, and wants to
see how many of the mistakes in that book they can
NICOLE COOPER: Sting or Kip James? Dammit, this
has to be the hardest category of the year. It's
like asking if I would rather be stabbed in the
stomach or the heart. Or not. Whatever, really. I
guess I'll have to go with Sting for this one. Hear
me out though, I have my reasons. Unfortunately
though, I lose all my humor when I talk about Sting.
I apologize in advance for your impending suffering.
Sting, being the age that he was when he came to
TNA, should have been playing the role of a
glorified Mick Foley, so to speak. You know, putting
the younger guys over all while actually winning
some of his matches. Turns out, he didn't do that.
Actually, he did the exact opposite. To add onto
that, he seems to have such a problem turning heel,
that he flat out refuses to and changes the promos
he gives to make himself the ONLY face in a totally
heel stable. If you can't share the spotlight with
the new guys, you simply shouldn't be around
anymore. It's as simple as that.
GERSHON LEVY: You know, of the nominees listed I
could really do without DX anymore. Every time they appear, it’s as cheap an
attempt for a pop as Mick Foley saying the name of
the town they’re in.
Actually it’s as cheap a pop as a can of soda
that says “lemon lime” or “cola”.
Oh I know! It’s as cheap a pop as the prostitute who
takes quarters (which is nice to know I have a use
for quarters other than laundry).
ESBEN EVANS: John Cena. The sad thing about him being that I
actually sort of like him as a wrestler, but they
can't seem to book him in any other way than the one
we've seen ever since winning his first World Title,
overcoming the odds my ASS!
17)WHO'S "NECKS-T"? (Award for wrestler most likely to
Nominees: Mr. Kennedy, Jeff Hardy, Rey Mysterio,
Great Khali, Ricky Ortiz, Michael Cole, Mark Henry,
Edge, Candice Michelle, Kevin Nash,
SEAN CARLESS: Kevin Nash. AGAIN. You know, the
guy that has the rare medical calamity which sees
his heart and limbs suddenly falter at the behest of
the complicated medical trigger known as "jobbing"?
Although, strangely, this year, he's been 100%
healthy since not losing a single match. MODERN
MEDICINE AT WORK~!
DEREK BURGAN: Whichever Diva is wrestling
Candace Michelle next. Walking to the ring for a
match against her should be filmed like that time
when Vince McMahon walked past the crew before his
limo blew up. Some of them should even be crying at
the possibility of losing a loved one (I'm looking
in your direction Batista).
CATHERINE PEREZ: Now that Kevin Nash is
wrestling again, it's only a matter of time before
his entire torso explodes after hitting the mat.
Powder will fall all over the iMPACT Zone, and it'll
be Christmas all over again. Then TNA can sign
Ashley Massaro to be Fake Diesel II or something.
They can use her old porn music, too. It'll be
fantastic, only the complete opposite. That being
said, I pick Mr. Kennedy, but only because he beat
Nash in the race for injury supremacy this year...
and because I never remember his injuries, so I
might as well acknowledge the latest one before I
ANTHONY DEAN: Kevin Nash, now that, after being
on a real hot streak for a while and winning many
matches as part of the Main Event Mafia, the time
for him to start putting people over is getting
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Hm. I will readily admit
that this category is a tough one for me. I'm
going to go with JEFF HARDY though. Don't let
his recent title win fool you, dude's one fuck-up
from taking a surprisingly non-wellness induced
vacation. And you KNOW he's going to amp it up
to prove to the higher ups that he deserves to hold
onto the title. Hardy in a neck brace in 2009,
bank on it.
JAMES SWIFT: John Cena. The guy is the
proverbial Phoenix, rising from the ashes only to
get his Achilles tendon snapped during a pedestrian
hiptoss. So yeah, I really don't know much about
SHANE STEELE: If Mr. Kennedy's going to get
injured again, please let him hurt his chin so I
won't have to see his freakish goatee anymore. Damn,
that thing jumps out at you.
THE SIXTH CHILD: I’m not sure why Ricky Ortiz,
Michael Cole and Jack Swagger are on this list. I
thought it was the wrestler MOST LIKELY to get
injured, not the wrestling personality YOU’D MOST
LIKE to get injured.
Seeing as Jeff Hardy apparently gets himself injured at
his hotel, I’d say he’s up for a spill in the ring
soon (especially now that he’s in the Heavyweight
Championship bracket). I >really< don’t want that to
happen, but when you do swanton bombs for a living,
what do you expect?
NEIL CATHAN: Jeff Hardy. Especially now that
he's champ (finally!), Trips is even more interested
in burying him than he was before (Got to get those
all important 17 world title runs!). I predict
either blunt force trauma from all the dirt, or
suffocation. Either way, the future isn't too bright
NICOLE COOPER: Judging by recent activities
alone, this award is going to Frankie Kazarian. 2008
was set to be a pretty good year for Kaz as he was
in some pretty high profile matches, and even got
some title shots. That was of course, until he got
injured. The TNA video game comes out and we are all
introduced (or at least the 5 of us who purchased
the game) to Suicide, the most ridiculous fake
wrestler ever, but I won't get started on that one.
Suicide becomes a real wrestler, who is played by
Kaz, until, yeah, you guessed it, Kaz gets injured
again. As it turns out, Suicide is a perfect name
for Kaz right now considering that is the exact
direction his career is heading in.
GERSHON LEVY: I think all of the nominees were
injured at some time this year it seems. I’m going to say Jeff Hardy because I
have this gut feeling he’s not going to screw up
this title run on his own, but is going to have the
tablecloth pulled from under him.
Wait, is that the expression?
All I can think of is Bill Murray in
“Ghostbusters” saying “the flowers are still
ESBEN EVANS: Mr. Kennedy. I mentioned it before, but I think there's
a pretty good chance that he'll get injured as soon
as they start to build him up again. The dreaded
curse of the Swanton, the only way to break it is to
return every ounce of weed that you stole from the
Isla de Muerta.
18)"EVEN WE'RE EMBARRASSED TO BE FANS. US!"
(event or angle that is so terrible or tasteless,
even we don't approve).
Nominees: Anything pointless or ridiculous.
SEAN CARLESS: Barack Obama vs. Hilary Clinton on
RAW right after the ACTUAL REAl-LIFE VERSIONS put
over their product was pretty mind numbing. You
know, while not even lampooning John McCain at
all. That doesn't even make sense! I mean, Vince
would clearly never consciously show that kind of
favortism, right? He'd never blindly support someone
like McCain, right? I mean, it's not like he could
personally relate to somebody who accomplished his
greatest feats decades ago, and who's now
perpetually angry, out of touch and insane; and a
man who's subsequent female successor is a vapidly
retarded woman whose sole appeal to most is
that she's somewhat fuckable, despite the fact
that she's insanely talentless and unqualified for
her job. WHAT WOULD HE EVEN HAVE IN COMMON WITH THIS
DEREK BURGAN: Mike Adamle replacing Joey Styles
on ECW and proceeding to tell Styles that Joey has
big shoes to fill. Not that the grave was
already pissed on, but hardcore ECW fans had the
corpse dug up, fucked by Bertha Faye, covered in
horse manure, and then burned before being buried
CATHERINE PEREZ: As embarrassed as I am at TNA
for naming one of their wrestlers Suicide while
employing a man by the name of Homicide after what
happened in mid-2007-- though I'm thankful that
neither of them have adopted the Crossface into
their move sets-- Million Dollar Mania brought out
the absolute worst in pro wrestling this year. It
was a sad, desperate attempt to bring in casual
viewers, and it failed in every way imaginable. So
people tuned into the first five minutes or so, in
which Vince gave out the winning password, and they
then tuned out for the night. It was absolutely
stupid of WWE to not at least change the password
every half hour or so, or at least ask a fucking
trivia question. Not even "what's the square root of
onion"! And I squirmed in my seat when Vince donned
the grandpa glasses and struggled to read the phone
numbers on his cards. Then he got Rick Rolled twice,
which was arguably the highlight of the entire
giveaway. It was so embarrassing, even the Million
Dollar Mania set called it a night and collapsed all
over Vince. So let's just remember that Million
Dollar Mania caused nothing but heartache and
numbing in the legs. Oh, and it also caused Triple H
to nearly die of a panic attack because Vince hadn't
yet signed the revised will. "Vince! It's gonna be
okay! Now if you'll just scribble your name right
next to that X..."
ANTHONY DEAN: I'll say the whole Million Dollar
Mania debacle, where Vince for some reason thought
yet another corporate million dollar sweepstakes was
just what the dormant masses were waiting for to
finally get back into watching wrestling. Even if
some idiot fucks whose decisions to purchase soft
drinks are actually influenced by the value of the
potential prizes listed on the packaging really did
tune in to Raw for a couple weeks to try to win a
million dollars, what then? Were they supposed to be
so enthralled by the thirty-minute long segments
featuring Vince attempting to converse with a
ringtone and the prospect of getting to watch other
people constantly win money that they'd keep on
watching every week, and then move on to purchasing
Pay Per Views and merchandise too, just because? The
reality is, wrestling isn't just SO GOOD and IF ONLY
PEOPLE WOULD GIVE IT A CHANCE THEY'D BE HOOKED.
Ratings are DEcreasing. That means that where there
used to be fans, there no longer are. That means you
have a SHIT PRODUCT. That's IT. They're not watching
other shows because they want to see their face
featured at the end of My Name Is Earl. They're
watching other shows because your show isn't even as
good as fucking My Name Is Earl. Either get your
shit together or don't, but don't try to fool
yourself and at tack phantom problems with retarded
yet expensive solutions, Vincent. Also, LOVED the
copout finish to the undeniably failed concept.
"Because this is such a success, I'm going to keep
on giving away money forevAAAAH! Paul! Paul I can't
feel my legs!" Absolutely unreal shit.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Going with MILLION DOLLAR MANIA on this
one. Managing to blend together equal parts of
boring, pointless, and borderline offensive, MDM was
some of the most painful TV seen in 2008. You
KNEW how this was going when Vince got Rick Rolled
on the FIRST CALLER. Oh, also Vince apparently
doesn't know how to use this newfangled technology.
We call it a phone. He calls it a magic
talking box. And to end it..."I can't feel my
legs! PAUL~!" Yes, let's do murder...pretty
much exactly a year after doing it the first time.
And we know how well THAT turned out. I know a
couple people in Atlanta that were HUGE fans of
JAMES SWIFT: "And to celebrate the one year
anniversary of a double murder - suicide, let's
pretend to have our CEO killed off by a lighting
rig!" That's like giving Christopher Reeve's child a
coupon for horse-riding lessons on her birthday.
SHANE STEELE: After the JBL-Hornswoggle hospital
scene, my brother turned to me and asked "Did JBL
just rape him?". I wouldn't put it past him.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Even Rob Feinstein looked at
that scene between JBL and Hornswoggle and thought,
“Oh dear God”.
Special mention goes to Sheik Abdul Bashir.
Not only does he cut promos about raping Lady
Liberty, his theme music begins with the sound of a
plane flying into a building. Enough said.
But my vote goes to Vince McMahon and his trifecta of
idiocy. First he launches the WWE’s Million Dollar
Mania, a move that basically says to the general
public “yes, we know you wouldn’t watch this show
voluntarily – but what if we PAID you?!” The
majority of said general public still said “uummm…
no”, while those who did tune in were bored shitless
as they watched Vince fumble with the phones for
several minutes trying to call the winners.
Thankfully the segment is eventually
scrapped – after Vince is “crushed” by the RAW set
in a poor attempt to resurrect the buzz from his
limo explosion last year. We all know what happened
And finally came the decision to start
calling professional wrestlers “entertainers”. For
more on that brilliant move, see #33.
NEIL CATHAN: A wrestling company I've been a fan
of, and pointed to as the only company that gets it
right booking a rape angle. Oh, and the fact that
Ring of Honor fans are all assholes who cheer rape.
In the same arena that was so aggressive to JBL at
NICOLE COOPER: I depend on TNA to give me my
weekly dose of total stupidity. If I want a horrible
angle, a ridiculous promo, or even a terrible
gimmick, I can always go to TNA. Likewise, if I want
to be embarrassed, I just listen to some of Don
West's commentary. But this year, WWE managed to
outdo TNA in that aspect by giving us all the gift
of....MIKE ADAMLE. You want something so terrible
that you will be embarrassed to be a wrestling fan?
Well Mike Adamle will do just that for you, and then
GERSHON LEVY: OK I admit I entered the Million
But I knew that this was the most PATHETIC
attempt by Vince to get ratings.
To link this to another nominee, I don’t know
what was going through his mind when he thought to
have the stage collapse was a good idea to end it
(probably “get this off of me!”). I did love when Vince got rick rolled
though (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdMj10s6nYw) .
ESBEN EVANS: WWE's Million Dollar Mania. Now THAT was pointless. The
only thing that this competition showed us, was just
how right everyone who said that "hardcore wrestling
fans are ugly, sad losers" really were…which is of
course extremely bad news for everyone spending
valuable free time writing bad wrestling jokes for
nothing on the internet…
19)"HOW ABOUT SOME CLEARASIL FOR THAT BACK?!" Award for
most obvious Steroid job in wrestling.
Nominees: Armando Alejandro Estrada, Batista, Triple H,
Ezekiel Jackson, Matt Morgan, Snitsky, Scott
Steiner, Dolph Ziggler
SEAN CARLESS: Dolph Ziggler. Unless this guy ran
over a Gypsy's daughter while on Suspension, I think
there *might* be a reason why he's now 40 pounds
smaller inside a month. Call me crazy.
DEREK BURGAN: When Dolph Diggler was shaking
everyone's hands backstage and introducing himself,
was he trying to bump into Dr. Zahorian or another
CATHERINE PEREZ: After two -cep tears in a row,
biceps and triceps, I'm starting to suspect that
Kaz/Suicide/Kazicide is a juicer. You heard it here
ten-thousand-and-first~! Kevin Nash clearly called
out the wrong guy during that infamous PCS Testing
segment. You keep doin' what you're doin', Sonjay!
ANTHONY DEAN: Matt Morgan. He's steroids and
superior DNA personified! Or maybe just the first
one! Seriously, NASA has got to be full of the most
naive fucks on the planet if they think that shit's
natural. All I know is, assuming the gullible
astronauts didn't hand over Matt Morgan's exalted
sperm to some radical intergalactic Fundamentalist
Christian group who needed to "check it for
pre-prenatal lice," some day there's going to be a
lot of acne-ridden, short-tempered, micropenised
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: God damn it Snitsky, why did you have to
go and get fired? Now I'm short one easy
winner for this category! My runner up,
Armando Estrada, had to get shitcanned too.
Come on people! We'll go with the only Old
Faithful left, BATISTA. Ok, he hasn't been
caught yet, but how he hasn't is beyond me.
Let's see...labyrinthe vein structure on his arms?
Check. Easily prone to violence? Check
(motherfucker hands out spinebusters at the drop of
a hat, AND he's a total dick to pretty much
everyone...why is he a face again?). Shrunken
testicles? Kelly Kelly: Check! Oh,
she knows. Ever since Test she has had quite
the taste for tiny balls. Massive heart
attack? Not yet, but here's hoping!
JAMES SWIFT: I'm going with an unorthodox
selection: Austin Aries. As one of them there
"vegetarians", let me tell you something: It is
fucking impossible to amass muscle solely on tofu
and whey shakes. I've tried, trust me. Alas, Aries
is either sneaking in some egg white on the side or
he's pumping more gas than Exxon. I'm guessing
SHANE STEELE: I think The Brian Kendrick is
awesome, but is it too much to ask for Big Zeke to
hide his man-boobs (the #1 sign of an obvious roid
job) just a little bit? Dude's got bigger hooters
than Michelle McCool (which isn't saying much).
THE SIXTH CHILD: That’s like asking who the
biggest fuckstick at Fox News is.
I’ll go with Scott Steiner. It’s hilarious
how he always lays into Samoa Joe for eating too
many twinkies. I personally would choose to gorge on
tasty snack treats rather than have massive biceps
that prevent me from wiping my own ass.
NEIL CATHAN: Scott Steiner or Vince McMahon. At
that age, no-one should have that kind of
musclemass. Or muscle mass at all. Either that, or
crushed dreams of talented workers you're burying
builds muscles. Which would explain Triple H's
NICOLE COOPER: Is it even a shock anymore?
Batista all the way. All the signs are there, you
just need to look into them. The guy has veins
popping up everywhere and to say that it is
disturbing is not giving it full credit. Aggressive
behavior? Check. I'm sure he probably has Jaundice
too, but his cleverly orange fake tan covers it up
nicely. It must be great to have such a high spot in
the company to the point where you can basically put
anything you want into your body with no
GERSHON LEVY: Oh come on, there’s no steroids in wrestling, don’t
they have a wellness policy?
That said, I’ll go into TNA and stick with the
old reliable Scott Steiner.
ESBEN EVANS: Snitsky. He had so much acne that I'm surprised he
didn't burst like one gigantic zit every time
someone squeezed him too much in a simple tie up.
20)EVEN MARLEE MATLIN COULD HEAR THAT: (for wrestler or
diva with the most irritating voice)
Nominees: Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, Raeesha Saeed,
Vickie Guerrero, Jillian Hall, Michelle McCool, Tony
Atlas, Evan Bourne, Jeff Jarrett, Michael Cole,
Stephanie McMahon, Jerry Lawler
SEAN CARLESS: Vickie Guerrero's voice has the
same effect on me that hearing God's true voice does
on people in the movie Dogma.
DEREK BURGAN: Thank god most readers won't ever
have to hear this, but SHIMMER's Daffney (formerly
of WCW) has a scream so ear piercing that even
Melena would tell her to take it down a notch or
CATHERINE PEREZ: If Marlee Matlin could hear
Vickie Guerrero's voice, she would liken it to a
banshee, a witch, and a velociraptor yapping over a
chorus of rusty gates as horses neigh frantically,
women and children weep, and that overused soundbyte
of a man screaming from every movie trailer
("YEEEEARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!") plays on loop until,
finally, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
materialize out of the ground and lop everyone's
heads off. You know, something like that.
ANTHONY DEAN: Everybody's favorite chick with a
dick, Natalya Neidhart. "HUH HUH, YUH BAYBEE!"
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: While they are probably the
most natural choices for this prestigious award,
I'm disregarding Jillian Hall and Vickie Guerrero from
this category. Oh, they're quite a strain on the ear
drums, but because being as irritating as possible
is their gimmick, and thus is intentional, no
thanks. So, who does it naturally? Who
else? STEPHANIE MCMAHON. Why couldn't
the camera cut off the top half instead?
JAMES SWIFT: "Latina Heap" Vickie Guerrero has a
voice that sounds like the combined implosion of a
hot air balloon, squealing snow tires and yelping of
a basset hound simultaneously. If I had to greet
each morn to that tone, I'd probably try to have a
heart attack while brushing my teeth, too.
SHANE STEELE: I can't understand what Tony Atlas
is saying half the time. And when I can, it's in a
rocky and gravelly tone that makes me want to jab my
ears with a pair of scissors.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Vickie Guerrero (if you didn’t
get it the first four times, see #8).
Special mentions go to Tony “marble mouth” Atlas, and
Michelle McCool. I must admit her mic skills have
improved … because she’s kept them to an absolute
minimum. Maybe she should do the same with
NEIL CATHAN: Angelina Love. Theoretically a
backstage segment with The Beautiful People should
be fun. They're good looking, and Velvet Skye is
talented in the ring, and charismatic. Angelina Love
annoys me to no end, however. She may well be
playing her role very well, but if that's the case,
well done, but it's too well. The role of annoying
bitch just...annoys me.
NICOLE COOPER: I believe I made my choice for
this award quite obvious earlier on. VIckie
Guerrero. God dammit, that bitch's voice is so
annoying it makes me want to stick coat hangers
through my ear canals. Truth be told, I've been
watching any segment involving Vickie Guerrero by
herself on mute for a long, long time now. It's not
worth risking me losing my hearing just to hear her
horse-like face whine, bitch, and moan about her
seemingly permanently broken neck before putting
some unlucky bastard in a match with The Undertaker.
(You do realize I basically gave you 5 months worth
of Smackdown recaps in that one sentence, right?)
GERSHON LEVY: Jillian Hall is too easy a pick
because she’s supposed to have an irritating voice. I’ll say Vickie Guerrero who seems to
have Eddie rolling in his grave every time she
further bastardizes his legacy by appearing on
ESBEN EVANS: I thought that this one would be more of an open
contest this year…then Stephanie decided to make her
way back to my screen…good GOD woman! That being
said, Vickie Guerrero is right up there as well,
guess you can't be a woman in power without sounding
like a Banshee…what about Linda, you ask? I said
women, not robots.
21)"SPEAKING OF MARLEE MATLIN, WE ALL SHOULD BE SO
LUCKY" (worst theme music)
Nominees: Whatever makes youe ears bleed or you
want to committ hara kari with your CD remote.
SEAN CARLESS: I hated Randy Orton's new theme at
first, but like the Co-Stanza jingle, it's seriously
grown on me. "I hear voices in my head...they just are all awkwardly
stilted and annoyingly spaced per syllable when
they're said." I think there's a chance that I
may have forgotten the actual lyrics in lieu of his
promos. Sue me.
With that, the actual worst song in wrestling is still
Candice's (RAISE YO HANDS UP...or at least one, the
other's kinda "occupied"). It's techno-beat still
makes me long for the days of rave-dancing in a
potato sack in the New Zion in The Matrix. (Hey,
here's an idea, Neo, how about downloading a fucking
However, that said, it turns out that Candice's theme
is but a pretender. The *true* owner of this award
has recently returned to reclaim their throne:
STEPHANIE MCMAHON. Her nauseating song makes me want
to go back to the late 60's and stab Gloria Steinham
in the heart with a rusty pair of scissors.
Truthfully. Just listening to her uber feministic
blunderfuck theme makes my testicles shrink to the
size of raisins. Which actually is OK with me. It
actually makes my penis look bigger now. So Kudos.
DEREK BURGAN: Watching UFC's Couture vs. Lesnar
taught me one thing, THAT WRESTLING THEME MUSIC
SUCKS. All of it. Maybe TNA, as a brand itself,
should get this award because their show seems to be
built upon some music being played and the crowd
popping, but the crowd has no idea whose music is
whose. There's nothing like watching a Main Event
Mafia promo, music hit, and the crowd doesn't react
until AJ Styles actually comes out because NO ONE
KNOWS AJ STYLES' music. We've fallen a long way from
Stone Cold's glass breaking.
CATHERINE PEREZ: You know what? I'm giving this
one to Monday Night Raw. I'm TIRED of it! Papa Roach
is literally the cockroach of Nu-Metal. They're the
kind of guys who tear open and scrape at the carton
of ice cream for a spoonful long after everyone else
ate it all, or some other analogy you can relate to
milking off of the teat of a dying/dead music genre.
WWE's Superstars are supposed to be total bad-asses
who don't give a fuck about anyone's opinion of
them, not a bunch of whiny queermoes (that's about
as awkward as pluralizing 'dildo') who long to be
loved. Who can get pumped up for a wrestling show
listening to such lyrical content as "Whoa, I'll
never give in // Whoa, I'll never give up // Whoa,
I'll never give in // And I just wanna be, wanna be
loved // Whoa, I'll never give in // Whoa, I'll
never give up // Whoa, I'll never give in // And I
just wanna be, wanna be loved," besides Joey
Lawrence in the era of Blossom? Hey, those lyrics
are pretty deep. And repetitive. And shitty. Runner
up goes to Wrestlemania 24 with Snow (Hey Oh) by the
Red Hot Chili Peppers. What a terrible choice, dear
ANTHONY DEAN: AHEEYUH VOICES IMMAHEA THEY TALKTA
ME THEY UNNUSTAN. Randy Orton. Even with the benefit
of following his awful previous "HEY!" theme, it
still makes already cringing people even less
enthused about "getting" to witness a Randy Orton
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: She might have been gone most
of the year, but her music is just so fucking bad
that hearing it once is enough to chomp into that
cyanide pill I was saving for a special occasion.
CANDICE MICHELLE, why did you voluntarily choose
that music? The old version was blah, but
passable. Hearing RAISE YO HANDS
UP fifty thousand times is a torture that should
only be reserved for Gitmo residents. If there
was any justice in the world, the DJ's who mixed
that song would've been on that Learjet 60 in South
Carolina. Nope, just DJ AM. Oh well, he
sucks ass too, so small victories and all that.
JAMES SWIFT: Kurt Angle's new "rap" entrance
theme is the lamest thing I've ever heard.
Seriously, Perry Como eating vanilla ice cream in a
blizzard isn't as white as that song.
SHANE STEELE: Finlay's music used to be pretty
badass. Now we get happy Irish jig music which any
Irishman would be ashamed to dance to. And what kind
of name is "Hes Ma Da" anyway?
THE SIXTH CHILD: Before I pick a winner, I’d
like to ask you a question… loudly… about 60
consecutive times. PEOPLE OVER THERE
Special mention goes to Kelly Kelly (Squalor!),
Priceless, (yep, you’d be a fucking moron to put a
price on that song) and Randy Orton (who apparently
hears voices in his head, they come to him, they
understand, they talk to him. Do. They. Sound. Like.
Every. Word. Is. Its. Own. Sentence. Too?)
NEIL CATHAN: I'm concerned. According to Randy
Orton's music, he hears voices! I'm sure that
Canadian guy who never existed heard voices! Someone
get to this immediately, before Orton soccer kicks
his wife and child! Or even hits the RKO! He can hit
it from ANYWHERE. Literally. Just the other day, I
was writing criticism of Orton over the internet, as
my god give right as
a fat internet fan
member of the IWC, and he jumped out of my computer
screen while giving me the RKO, kicked my Dad, who
also has no first name, in the head and left.
Clearly, someone must intervene to prevent such a
tragedy from happening to the Orton family.
NICOLE COOPER: This will be a shocker,
especially to all those who actually bother to read
my Impact Recaps, but I'm giving this one to the
Motor City Machine Guns. Just like every other TNA
theme song, it's a rip off of a previously recorded
song. The song is called 1977, and unlike the MCMG
theme, it rocks. Hard. TNA takes it, gives it a
horrible tune, changes the year, and gives it
pathetic lyrics and thinks it's good enough. Well
guess what, TNA? It's not. I'm still convinced it's
all part of some high-up plan in TNA where they try
their hardest to make Alex Shelley into the biggest
joke of a wrestler ever. And guess what else, TNA?
It's still not working.
GERSHON LEVY: Well I want to pick a theme that
was new this year and I’m going with Priceless. It’s one of those days where the music
department of WWE got lazy, like too lazy to even
pick up a cup to piss in because you can’t get off
your ass to get to the bathroom.
Mick Foley's new one…wow, just wow…the first one he had
in TNA was annoying on its own, but the added rap
lyrics was just the icing on the cake…a cake of pure
crap that is…
22)THE "ARGAIV" AWARD FOR LETDOWN OF THE YEAR. (Get it?
Viagra spelled backwards)
Nominees: R-Truth's depush, CM Punk title reign, The
Brian Kendrick's depush, the New ECW Talent
Initiative, the Prince Justice Brotherhood, the Main
Event Mafia, TNA Impact Video game, Michael Cole to
RAW, Triple H vs. Kozlov feud, Smackdown's move to
an obscure network that no one gets, MVP's losing
streak, Kane revealing...Mysterio´s mask?, WWE
releasing Elijah Burke, Kute Kip still
existing on this planet, Jericho title run gets cut
short; the spinner belt not being obliterated.
SEAN CARLESS: CM Punk getting derailed kind of
sucked. And it was going so well, too.
Seriously. His push was kind of like getting a
pretty good blowjob. Here it is, a hot broad
gobbling your shaft, you sitting there thinkin',
"Hey, I'm getting all of this good stuff even though
I'm all dirty and sloppy and shit! This is
all pretty cool!"-- then a few seconds later, the
same woman bites your penishead off and goes back to
blowing the usual jock assholes while you're forced
to watch, desperately look for your discarded
nubbin, and still being expected to jack off to the
shit you'll never get again. This was CM Punk's year
in a nutshell. Only with blowjobs. You see.
DEREK BURGAN: The letdown of the year award for
me goes To RF Video's shoot interview with Jerry
Jarrett. For what should have been one of the all
time great shoots (along with ones I hope to see
from Jim Ross, Paul Heyman, and Michael Hayes), this
was botched from point one when the interviewer
ended up being DOI's The Mic. Watching this DVD was
like a punch in the gut. Overall it wasn't the worst
shoot of all time, but it could have been so much
Runner-up: Cena vs. Batista. What could have been a
HUGE WrestleMania hype job got ruined when we all
saw they just aren't that good together. The thought
of Cena vs. Batista is so much better than the
CATHERINE PEREZ: As much as I love the guy-- and
believe me, I LOVE the guy-- I'm voting for the
return of Edge. Son of a bitch, I was expecting
hellfire and brimstone and Psycho Edge to rise up
from under the stage like fucking Gangrel with a
giant psycho grin on his face, ready to do
unspeakable things to Vickie for forcing him into
the Cell and whatnot. If nothing else, I was
expecting Vickie's little office phone to ring, and
Vickie to scream in horror as Edge greeted her and
proceeded to tell her about the horrible things he'd
do to her when he got back. Then I remembered that
Hell probably doesn't send out collect calls.
Instead, the entire Undertaker feud is retconned in
exchange for more Edge and Vickie lovefests! I
almost cried. I've never been more disappointed in
the last four years. I'm actually typing this up
from the comfort of my dark corner. It's very hard
to type while in the fetal position. Anyway,
thinking about how badly I've been fucked over gives
me a bad case of the shits. Of course, I'm sure
something awesome is just around the corner for
Edgeward. Yeah, I'm only saying that to remain
ANTHONY DEAN: The Royal Rumble was completely
open-ended and up in the air throughout the entire
match with no clear winner in sight. And then Triple
H and John Cena came in and killed everyone during
like the last five minutes of the match.
Dishonorable mention goes to Triple H doing the
exact same thing by himself in Smackdown's
Championship Scramble, minus the "no clear winner,
up in the air" part.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Let's go with...LATE YEAR WWE IN GENERAL.
Now, I've already covered CM Punk's wonderful ride,
which was akin to a Plane taking off, only for it to
nosedive and plow into the ground at supersonic
speed. But let's expand on that concept.
Like I said, there was a point this year that had
all of the title holders on Raw were serious
up-and-comers. It was a time where we, as
watchers of this fine program, were perhaps, dare I
say, excited to see what was on the horizon.
Yeah, let me know how many times you can honestly
say that about the IWC. Pessimism is our
calling card. So, leave it to WWE to go "Push
new people?! Not on our watch!" You can
certainly make a case for Chris Jericho, but he's
genuinely earned his spot, along with WWE having
pushed him before (lucky for him, HHH went to the
other brand before he squashed this one too). Everyone else in the Main
Event? Not so much. We have Cena, Orton,
Batista, JBL, and HBK. I'm not doubting the
talent of each guy...surely each of them brings
something to the table, right? My problem is
that it's nothing new. The non-Cena ratings of
Raw pretty much tell the tale, but WWE is just going
"LALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALA."
JAMES SWIFT: Gabe Sapolsky being fired as head
booker at ROH. I think that pretty much sums up the
U.S. economy right now when you can be the absolute
best in your chosen profession and still end up
shitcanned because the company needs to save a few
nickels here and there on traveling expenditures.
SHANE STEELE: Triple H vs. Kozlov was supposed
to be the moment Communism finally triumphed over
the futile ways of Capitalism. Now, it seems Kozlov
is destined to be just another monster heel (albeit
a COMMUNIST monster heel) doing the sporadic job to
a main eventer here and there. The Red Menace still
won in my heart.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Australia only started
broadcasting TNA Impact this year, and after 20
years of watching nothing but WWF/WWE, it’s been a
breath of fresh air. One of my biggest regrets is
that I never watched WCW back in the day, so I
jumped on the TNA bandwagon as soon as I had the
chance. A lot of it has been great – the rough cut
segments, the World X Division matches, and (shock
shock) they actually have A TAG TEAM DIVISION and
female wrestlers who look good and wrestle even
But for every good thing about the company, there are
five stupid things to counter it. Eric Young looking
for Elvis? “Sarah Palin” giving makeovers to the
Beautiful People? And in every single backstage
skit, there’s Jeremy Borash playing the human
microphone stand. Doesn’t TNA have a boom-mic
And that’s another thing: I HATE it how TNA constantly
reminds us how they haven’t got as much money and
resources as WWE. As one promo proclaims: “They’re
not doing it for the million dollar contracts… (long
pause) because there AREN’T any!” Stop fucking
telling us and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
And a final rant point: TNA’s main event wrestlers
are in serious need of some direction. As I see it,
the company is basically heading down the same
doomed path as WCW with its political bullshit and
half baked storylines. Then again they’ll be lucky
if they even make it to WCW status. When you
struggle to poach fans watching TODAY’S WWE product,
you need to make some serious adjustments ASAP.
I am DYING to see TNA give WWE a run for its money.
But as has been the case with wrestling over the
past eight or so years, I’ll probably have to call
the ARGAIV hotline after 4+ hours of rock solid
NEIL CATHAN: The start of TNA's year earned them
such high praise as "better than last year" and
"actually quite good" by the internet's most
respected and loved individual: Me. Despite
receiving the much sought after "Neil Cathan
official stamp of approval", TNA then went on to be
just as terrible, and bury their own talent just as
much as they had done before. It's almost as if they
don't want my praise.
NICOLE COOPER: I knew what I was going to put
for this one before I even received the categories.
The biggest letdown of the year, without a shadow of
a doubt, was Randy Orton's injury. 2008 was a great
year for the IWC in that Cena's presence was fairly
minimal until the very end, and Randy Orton was
doing a great job with the title in the meantime. It
goes without saying that Randy Orton still is the
future of the WWE, and seeing him now, not in the
title picture, it sucks pretty badly to say the very
least. There is a bright side to everything though,
but we'll get to that later on.
GERSHON LEVY: I’ll admit the Kane with his bag
angle had me intrigued for a little while because I
thought there was a chance he was going to go back
and put his mask on again.
I’m not a fan of Mysterio, so that killed the
angle for me.
ESBEN EVANS: Kane pulling out Mysterio's mask. Not only didn't it
make any sense, and I mean it like in it being a
swerve of WCW like proportions. But seriously, they
could've made Kane badass again, they could've gone
back in time and taken away those hours and hours of
pain and irrelevance and changed it to something
cool again. They could've given us a legit monster
heel to hate and fear again…they gave us a crappy
storyline and a Rey Mysterio who never showed any
signs of being scarred at all, which of course
resulted in Kane looking like a douche…again…
23)EVEN OZZY OSBOURNE HAS MORE CREDIBILITY. (Award for
the individual who exudes the least amount of
real-life credibility in public for whatever reason)
Nominees: Vince McMahon, Jake Roberts, TNA, Booker T,
Ric Flair for getting his ass beat by his daughter's
drunk hick boyfriend, Raven, Kanyon, and MIKE
SANDERS suing WWE to challenge the ENTERTAINERS'
independent contractor status five years after any
of them worked there, The WWE Kiddie Era, WWE.com,
SEAN CARLESS: Michael Cole. At everything. He's
the world's most annoying Teddy Ruxpin. He just
rattles the same exact bullshit phrases ad nauseam,
as if at command. VINTAGE UNDERTAKER~! (Don't try
that wine! It tastes like dying!) NOT THIS WAY~!
RIGHT IN THE SKULL~! I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM MANHANDLED
THIS WAY~! And then there's the robotic canned
laughter. He's like a Stepford Wife whose face is
giving birth to a fucking chimpanzee. I hate him in
ways not even detectable by the human psyche. I'd
like to punch him in the SKULL until he's dead.
But other than that, he's ok.
DEREK BURGAN: I had a tough choice on this one,
both from Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship
Wrestling. First I was going to with Eric Bischoff's
character, but ended up choosing Jimmy Hart. All of
Hart's "critiques" of the matches and wrestlers were
beyond laughable, but he gets the Fanny for his one
show BRAVURA performance we he helped the celebs
pick out their gimmicks.
JBL for the ridiculous claims he makes about
his stupid energy drinks. Have you seen his
Mamajuana "Where's My Mama" ad? I'd consider you
lucky, but I really do want you to take a look at
Yeah, sure. A chunky, 42-year-old man with
bitch tits and a beer belly is going to get a bunch
of good-looking young bitches to feel him up and
bump uglies with him. Then there's his other drink,
Energy Plus, whose website and ad have a hilarious
bit about Jibble weighing 330+ pounds in 2006. They
even provide a hilariously photoshopped image of
Jibble stretched out further than we've ever seen
him, with a gut that rivals The Sandman's 2005 gut.
Next to that, of course, is a picture of the guy
lifting weights and looking better than he has, uh,
all year or the years before that. I'd like to
remind you all that Jibble wrestled until May 2006
and returned three weeks later as commentator, then
got right back to wrestling just five months later.
Hey, I know it's easy to gain 40+ pounds in a short
amount of time, especially after an injury, but
considering how often he was featured on TV for damn
near all of 2006, I think I can safely observe that
JBL never looked like the fat guy depicted on the
website, nor does he look that buff now. Seriously,
he's had that undefined stomach and those meaty tits
since the JBL gimmick debuted, if I recall
correctly. Plus, there's misspellings and bad
grammar on the site, and that's usually indicative
of a scam. Wow, I sure did my homework for this
ANTHONY DEAN: Raven, Kanyon, and MIKE SANDERS
suing the WWE to challenge its independent
contractor status like five years after any of them
worked there. For some reason, I doubt that "Will
Bleed For Money" Raven, "Would-Be World Champion But
For My Cockbreath" Chris Kanyon and "Who?" Mike
Sanders are doing this on behalf of the WWE's
current signed talent out of a deep-rooted
compassion and a desire to see them living
comfortably and healthy in their later years, and
more because they made poor decisions with their own
money or careers and thus are pretty much down to
either slugging it out in for another decade or two
in towns beginning with "Bumble" and ending in
"fuck," or Target. Also, I love how you just know
that Raven pretty much drafted their entire stance,
with two of his buddies then just latching on and
saying "Yeah, right, whatever man, so does this mean
I can go out and get a couple grams on credit
tonight?" Forgive me if I question the purity of
their motives in this endeavor. Maybe I'm just a
pessimist. And maybe fucking Raven is a devout
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: RANDY ORTON. One story
this year sealed it for me. Young Randall was
fast on the road to recovery from his broken
collarbone, when he decided to go ahead and take a
joy ride on his motorcycle in shorts and a t-shirt.
Feel free to ask Ben Roethlisberger and Kerry Von
Erich how good an idea that was. Oh, but don't
let that stop you Randy! Just go ahead and get
launched 300 yards or whatever when you wreck.
And somehow only re-break your collarbone, and
NOTHING ELSE. Yeah, having a little trouble
believing this story, only because it completely
violates laws of physics. And a completely
ridiculous story is appropriate for a completely
ridiculous man. Hotel rooms beware, Orton will
JAMES SWIFT: JBL. Why, you may ask? Well, let's
take a gander at the next awards category.
SHANE STEELE: I barely trust anything WWE.com
says anymore. And when I try to check the TNA
results through their "Industry News" section, they
always screw with me by saying stuff like "So-and-So
lost to Somebody" instead of "Somebody defeated
So-and-So". What's up with that?
THE SIXTH CHILD: Vince McMahon (see #18 and
#33), who continues to try and exude credibility in
the one place he can’t – outside the wrestling
NEIL CATHAN: A professional wrestling company
that, with the exceptions of a few things that have
bombed (Vulture Squad) or been utterly tasteless
(rape), has generally been the standard of how
booking should be, compared by many to ECW in terms
of booking and character. And remember that ECW,
excellent though it was, has had things that have
been disappointing, and has had the controversially
tasteless (crucifixion). So Cary Silkin, panicking
about a recent decline, fires the man considered to
be the best booker currently working, and replaces
him with Adam Pearce. A wrestler (and we all know
how well having a wrestler as booker turns out.
Remember how great a job Nash did with WCW? Or Ole
Anderson with the NWA? Jarrett in TNA?), with no
prior booking experience. Good move Cary Silkin,
good move. While there's an off chance that this
will actually work, it's just that: an off chance.
And with Silkin and Pearce planning to move the
company in a direction away from Sapolsky's, the
company will lose the style which has defined it and
made it stand out as being something so different.
Silkin has the least credibility as far as I'm
NICOLE COOPER: We'll go back in time with this
one and give this honor to Hulk Hogan. As if the
divorce wasn't bad enough, surely his son being
locked up is. The phone calls from Nick's prison
cell where he blames Nick's friend for any injuries
he suffered proved to everyone that Hulk Hogan
always has been, and still is, a huge, arrogant
douche bag. Oh, and being accused of having an
affair surely didn't help Hulk's case too much. But
then again, could you really blame the guy? Either
way, you add all of this up together and you can
clearly see that Hulk Hogan is absolutely full of
GERSHON LEVY: Well since all major WWE decisions go
through Vince, he’s the guy who wins. This year just saw so many ridiculous
things going on beyond the storylines. From Million Dollar Mania to taking the
sports out of sports entertainment to making the
product more kid friendly.
I knew when Raw became TV-PG things were not
ESBEN EVANS: Raven? Sure, Kanyon? Yeah, okay…Mike Sanders? Come on
dude, get real…I remember him as a decent wrestler
and a pretty entertaining guy back in WCW when I
first got into wrestling. But for him to sue WWE
despite never showing up on the main roster and only
being in development long enough to MAYBE have a cup
of weak cider and botch a hip toss or whatever is
laughable. You ARE not relevant, and you never WERE
relevant…just fuck off…retard…
24)THE AC/DC "BIG BALLS" AWARD. Greatest show of
testicular fortitude. (in the ring, in real life,
whatever. Just awarding one ballsy motherfucker)
Nominees: Undertaker wrestling a ladder match
injured, HBK's wife taking a legit punch, John
Morrison ladder spot at WM 24; Y2J's ladder bump at
No Mercy, Joey Styles KO's JBL, Brock Lesnar in UFC,
God bless, Joey. He's a trail blazer. And right now,
because of him, there's rookies in the the shower
with a newfound sense of relief (and whom no longer
have to have their soap on a rope shackled to their
arm with a motorcycle chain and 10 pound padlock,
just in case.). Joey is my hero.
Sandwich. This will stop once he stops doubling
for Jared the Subway Guy.
DEREK BURGAN: How do you not go with Joey Styles
on this one considering who he punched? I thought
Randy Orton had this one in the bag with a strong
year, but Joey's The Punch Heard Round The Net takes
the cake and will be talked and written about for
CATHERINE PEREZ: Joey Styles for socking JBL in
the fucking face during WWE's tour of Iraq, of
course! E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB! For a guy who's smaller
than I am, Joey sure is a brave little
toaster fucker, standing up for all 5-foot-7,
glasses-wearing webmasters out there! My 5-foot-9,
glasses-wearing web contributing self thanks you, Mr. Styles. Will
JBL's credibility ever recover? We can decide that
after JBL creates a new spinach-flavored energy
drink that guarantees Popeye-like strength while
lacking any medical testing to back it up. He's got
one for everything else anyway. Shit, do I have some
kind of geeky grudge against Jibble this year or
something? Dear God. Congrats on your new-found
ANTHONY DEAN: I would say Joey Styles punching
out JBL, but really, how big of a pussy would a guy
have to be NOT to hit a big drunk dude whose
constantly fucking with him? It's beyond worrying
about your job at that point. I'll vote for Brock
Lesnar, who, after becoming WWE Champion while
legitimately hurting guys in a wrestling ring,
managed to successfully transition himself into
becoming the UFC Champion by doing the exact same
thing in a cage! Bob Holly can't even get the first
part of Brock's formula down, despite Lesnar once
showing him very close and personally how it's done.
Proof that true winners are born, not made. And that
Bob Holly is shit.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Oh please, like it could be
anyone but JOEY STYLES. The only problem is
making original jokes for this, being essentially a
nerd's wet dream. When they read the story of
the Subway guy laying out everyone's worst nightmare
(especially in showers), I imagine there was a
collective jumping of joy. Though I would also
imagine that would result in a massive earthquake
that would kill millions, so shows what I know.
Kudos to you Joey, you are truly the manliest of
men. How much so? I had a dream about
him recently being a guest on the Colbert Report,
saying nothing but OH MY GOD~! It was an
awesome episode. And yes, my dreams can be
very random, thanks for asking.
JAMES SWIFT: It simply doesn't get any better
than having a 170 pound manifestation of my wayward
adolescence knock the dog shit out of a loudmouth,
corporate shill- billy bully like Jonathan Bradshaw
Layfield. It simply doesn't. Congrats, Joey. You are
hereby referred to as "the fucking man".
SHANE STEELE: Who'd have thought Joey Styles of
all people would be the guy to finally punch JBL
after his bullying ways? Of course, now Joey's got
to watch his back whenever he showers.....
THE SIXTH CHILD: While I’m tempted to say Mike
Adamle (see #11), I’m more inclined to go for Brock
Lesnar. He won the UFC Championship against Randy
fucking Couture. That takes tremendous brass balls.
But Lesnar is a trained punching machine. Joey Styles
isn’t. And his decision to knock JBL the fuck out
makes him the ballsiest individual of 2008. A
skinny, glasses-wearing announcer puts a world class
cockhead like Jibble in his place. Time has come for
Revenge of the Nerds, motherfucker!
NEIL CATHAN: OH MY GOD! JBL gets KTFO'd by Joey
Styles of all people. As an ECW fan, who didn't like
JBL before he said the bad stuff and beat up Blue
Meanie, good on Mr. Styles. With Lesnar's demolition
of Couture and Styles one-hit KOing JBL (Seriously,
I thought only fissure and horn drill could do
that), I think that it's only a matter of time
before we see the true dream match: Joey Styles vs
NICOLE COOPER: As much as it pains me to type
this, it's all John Cena. Who the hell else would
have shown up to a show that they aren't even on the
day of their surgery? I'm still against the guy, and
I still think he is bland, boring, and needs to
update that move set of his, but the fact that he
did that was pretty fucking crazy.
GERSHON LEVY: How can it NOT be Joey Styles. JBL is one big dude and Joey never seemed
to be a guy who was a threat physically. But man, when I heard about this I marked
out bigger than anything that happened on TV all
ESBEN EVANS: Mike Sanders…seriously, as retarded I think he is for
doing it, it does take balls to take on WWE when you
barely have any history with the company at all.
Sure he may only do it because he has nothing to
lose, and because he's got his friends with him (and
what better friends than a well hung jew and a
flamboyant gay guy), but I still admire his will to
go out guns blazing or whatever.
25) PLUMMETING FASTER THAN A FAT GIRL OFF A CLIFF.
(Award for the fastest fall from grace in wrestling.
The wrestler chosen must signify a real plunge in
quality, effort or company push in just one year’s
Nominees: CM Punk, Batista, Kane, Rey Mysterio, The Big
Show, MVP, The Great Khali, Samoa Joe, Chavo
SEAN CARLESS: MVP. If this shit keeps up,
I expect to one day see him wrapped in newspapers &
tin cans sleeping in his inflatable tunnel in an
DEREK BURGAN: I'm going to go with Shark Boy
here because now he is being put only as "an the
rest, here on Gilligan's Isle" spot in 10 man
X-Division matches when he was starting to get a lot
of time on the show, especially with the Prince
Justice Brotherhood bullshit. He's either going to
be let go, or come back in six months still doing
that stupid Steve Austin rip-off gimmick and no one
will know what the fuck is going on.
CATHERINE PEREZ: How many times would Samoa Joe
have to do consecutive annual jobs to Sting on a
pay-per-view before he snaps and decides that maybe
jumping to WWE as Umaga's cousin Ba'aloga doesn't
sound so bad? Nothing wrong with taking a huge
increase in pay at the expense of reinforcing
negative Samoan stereotypes, is there? I think every
Samoan ever in the WWE would concur. Joe's World
Heavyweight Championship win in April came way too
fucking late, in my opinion, and even though he's
got Kurt Angle beat by 2 days for the longest
individual reign, I can't remember a single damn day
of it. It's nothing against Joe; I love Joe as much
as the next person, but, well, let me just ask this:
how does he not melt those pounds away on that
hamster wheel to Nowhere?
ANTHONY DEAN: MVP, who went from holding the US
Title for almost a straight year to legitimate World
Title Contender to hopeless jobber who can't buy a
win and, perhaps most notably, doesn't even have an
inflatable entrance tunnel anymore.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Can't use CM Punk for this category.
To me, it reflects net change from the beginning of
the year to the end of the year. Punk sucked
the beginning of the year, he sucked the end of the
year. No change = no award. Let's go
with BIG SHOW on this one. Perhaps it's just
the thrill of him coming back leaner and meaner
wearing off, but after Wrestlemania it's been all
downhill for the big man. Come on, his
finisher is punching people now! Yeah, that
worked AWESOME for Tank Abbott. Plus, it takes
a lot to make a casket match with the Undertaker so
God-awfully boring. So for Big Show going from
exciting to see again to a complete snooze fest,
here's your award! Now go to hell.
There's been a vacancy since Edge left for no
JAMES SWIFT: Takeshi Morishima. He held the ROH
title for nearly a year, actually managed to get
Misawa to JOB for a change and even secured a
try-out with the 'E.and he totally and completely
sucked it up all over Japan for the remainder of the
year. Five bucks says that this time next year he's
mopping floors in Iwata Prefacture.
SHANE STEELE: This time last year, MVP was still
holding the US title and coming off a tag team title
reign with the always-dull Matt Hardy. Now he's
jobbing to the likes of Kung Fu Naki and James Mason
(I will never let him live down James Mason as long
as I live). Keep reaching for that rainbow, MVP.
It's not like Triple H will pull it away from you at
the last second or something....
THE SIXTH CHILD: Last year I said MVP was the
most improved wrestler. Now it’s come to this.
What in God’s name are they doing to this guy? He
goes from U.S. Champion to jobbing against the
jobber’s jobber, Kung Fu Naki?! Please don’t tell me
MVP got all this because he pissed off a urine
sample attendant (see what I did there?).
NEIL CATHAN: I call double standards. John Cena
makes gay and poop jokes all the time, and is
pushed, but MVP makes one crack about a guy training
to stare at guys peeing, and is punished. At least
since Cena is black too, we know it's not racism.
Still, Most Valuable Jobber's treatment since his
joke is a tragic example of a career pissed away.
NICOLE COOPER: This one will sound pretty crazy
until I explain myself, so be forewarned. It's Samoa
Joe. Okay, okay, calm yourselves down ROHbots, and
remove your hand from the gaping hole your mouth has
just become. I can hear each and every one of you
scream "BUT JOE WAS THE CHAMP! HOW IS THAT
PLUMMETING!?!" Allow me to tell you. Yes, he did
become TNA champ, but he became TNA champ about a
year and a half too late. Did you hear that sound
that followed him where ever he went this year? It's
the sound of total indifference, or as I like to
call it, the Taylor Wilde Pop. As soon as that was
over and done with, he joins the TNA Originals in a
"war" that's better off not being fought at all, and
gets immediately buried by the Main Event Mafia.
Samoa Joe went from fan favorite, to male Taylor
Wilde, to being totally taken out by the Main Event
Mafia. Perhaps it's not the worst scenario of the
year, but I figured I'd just point this one out.
GERSHON LEVY: Kane should get this award every
It seems like at some point every year, he starts
a new angle or feud that could potentially be a big
push but then ends up being something so pointless
the payoff is usually on free TV. I honestly think the guy deserves a legit
title run, even for only a couple months before he
retires. If nothing else, it’s only fair for all
the crappy angles he’s had to do over the years.
MVP. CM Punk fell long and hard this year, but not in
that hilarious Wile E. Coyote sort of way that MVP
did. He made one bad joke, and the ground sort of
just disappeared from underneath him (pretty sure he
even made a double take right before falling) and I
can't remember if he's won a match since…sad, when
you think about it…
26)THE BEST THING SINCE INTERNET PORN. (Wrestler of The
Nominees: Chris Jericho, Edge, HBK, HHH, Randy
Orton, CM Punk, Kurt Angle, AJ Styles, Samoa Joe,
Sting, Nigel McGuinness, Bryan Danielson, Jeff
Hardy, Matt Hardy, Brock Lesnar (UFC)
SEAN CARLESS: Chris Jericho. Normally, the
sudden disappearance of a man's pants means trouble
is ahead for you or the one's you love, but for
Chris Jericho, it was the beginning of a career-best
year. Without pants.
DEREK BURGAN: The Beautiful People in HD.
CATHERINE PEREZ: WINNER: Edge. RUNNER-UP: Edge.
SECOND RUNNER-UP: Edge. What other wrestler had the
balls to press his lips onto Vickie Guerrero's face
repeatedly? What other wrestler single-handedly
sparked genuine interest in an otherwise typical
Undertaker feud? What other wrestler went a week
without combing his hair or bathing just for added
effect in his bad-ass psycho character? What other
wrestler can sweep me off my feet like a 13-year-old
girl at a Twilight premiere despite his large,
bulbous eyes and Leno-esque chin? Yes, Chris Jericho
was pretty awesome this year, but Edge got me back
to watching Smackdown religiously for the first time
since I tuned out in early 2006. Go, Edgeward~!
ANTHONY DEAN: Without a doubt Shawn Michaels. He
was outstanding in two of the best feuds of the year
(vs Ric Flair, vs Chris Jericho) and had several
good matches with Batista even! Just an all-around
great performer in 2008, as usual.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: No one has signified this award
better than anyone else this year other than...EDGE.
Fuck HHH, there's a new blonde bearded menace in
town! Simply put, the guy puts out the goods
whenever he is on screen. Psycho Edge provided
some of the most entertainment outside of the ring,
and inside the ring? Wrestlemania 24?
AWESOME. Rated PG Hell in a Cell?
FANTASTIC. Saving the boring as hell
HHH/Koslov match? A GODSEND. Simply put,
when it's big time, this guy delivers big.
Edge was somehow involved in almost every great
moment of the year, and that's good enough for this
JAMES SWIFT: Just because someone here has to be
the voice of reason, KENTA. This guy has had so many
near five star classics this year that it's
ridiculous, and he's able to do it with a variety of
adversaries (heavyweights like Kensuke Sasaki and
junior heavyweight standouts like Kota Ibushi
alike). The champ is here.and he's sporting a Moe
SHANE STEELE: It was a tough choice for me
between Santino and Kozlov, but in the end, I went
with my Communist heart and picked Kozlov. All these
years I'd been saying the Reds would rise again, and
what happens? Communism happens! "United forever, in
friendship and labor, our mighty republics will ever
endure!". What, nobody wants to sing along?
THE SIXTH CHILD:Jeff Hardy. It was good to see
WWE cap off its 2008 PPV season by crowning Hardy
the champ. The Hardys went from an obscure tag team
– managed by everyone from Dok Hendrix to Gangrel to
Terri Runnels – to tearing down arenas all over the
world with some of the sickest moves ever. Then they
went on to do what very few tag teams have done
successfully – become credible singles competitors.
Despite all his flaws, it was great to see Jeff
finally succeed. It’s now his job not to fuck it up.
Special mention goes to Vladimir Kozlov, 2008’s best
newcomer. Aside from the whole tired fucking Russian
heel gimmick, Kozlov is a solid, no frills in-ring
performer. His debut with plain white trunks, no
theme music and plenty of size, power and agility
made him a classic, no-nonsense heel.
The last one of those WWE had is now teamed up with
a fucking leprechaun.
NEIL CATHAN: This is a biased entry. At an
independent event, I saw Chris Hero wrestle. He
worked a good match, but seemed more excited by
seeing fan who had turned up dressed in a Hero
outfit. He pointed her out with a huge grin on his
face. Later in the show, I bought an awesome version
of the Virgil image with him replacing Virgil with
the phrase "CHRIS HERO: WRESTLING SUPERSTAR?" on it,
and when I was panicking over a lost, signed DVD, he
helped me look, before giving me a copy of one of
his DVDs for free. Chris Hero: Nicest wrestler in
the world. So I feel obliged to give him wrestler of
NICOLE COOPER:And now we get serious. This one
speaks for itself. There is no wrestler around today
who had a better year than Chris Jericho, which
really says something when you compare it to his
2007. Heel Chris Jericho? Brilliant. Woman-abusing
Chris Jericho? Amazing. Jericho/Michaels feud?
Perfection. Chris Jericho as Heavyweight Champion?
It simply gets no better.
GERSHON LEVY: When Chris Jericho threw Shawn Michaels’
head through the fake flat screen TV during the
Highlight Reel, that was one of the best heel turns
I’ve ever seen.
Jericho had gotten more or less stale at that
point, and from that point on had a run that saw him
get two title runs and more heat than almost any
other person on the roster. He completely reinvented himself and it
ESBEN EVANS: Chris Jericho. You sir, are a machine, 'nuff said.
However, in terms of storylines, HBK had the 3
greatest feuds and he had arguably 2 or 3 of the
best matches, so I actually think I'm gonna give him
27)MATCH OF THE YEAR (other than my Ass
and your Face)
Nominees: Whatever rocked your socks.
SEAN CARLESS: Chris Jericho vs. HBK at No Mercy
in a Ladder Match. The only other time I enjoyed seeing a much younger man tip
a balding older guy off a ladder more, was when I
was helping Dad put up the Xmas lights 3 weeks ago.
He was 53. And bald.
DEREK BURGAN: That Dragon Gate match I saw on
YouTube in which BxB Hulk was turned on by his
partners and it turned into a wild six man match.
Seriously though, my list would include a lot of
stuff that happened on ROH's Dragon Gate Challenge
and Supercard of Honor along with Bryan Danielson
vs. Tyler Black at one of ROH's horribly named PPVs.
CATHERINE PEREZ: Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair,
if only for the amazing finish that'll be played in
dramatic WrestleMania highlight reels for years to
come. That and it introduced us to the hilarious
suggestion of leaving memories alone. The only minus
was Flair constantly crying like he'd just finished
watching that part in Armageddon where Bruce Willis
blows up the rock and dies. Three nights of weeping
aside, this match was THE definitive match of 2008.
Best send-off in recent memory even though I hear
Flair's already thinking of making a comeback. Meh,
who wasn't expecting a comeback anyway, right?
ANTHONY DEAN: Well, like presumably everyone
will say, Shawn Michaels vs Ric Flair at
Wrestlemania. It really was emotionally involving.
Just the thought of never seeing another Ric Flair
match again! I mean I couldn't wait for that old
fuck to finally be put down. What.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Simply for the atmosphere, RIC
FLAIR VS. SHAWN MICHAELS AT WRESTLEMANIA 24.
Sure, pretty much any guy with an Internet
connection knew what the outcome was going to be
beforehand, but if you didn't feel the emotion my
friend, you just have a heart of stone.
Chances are that's why you're at this fine website!
But I digress. As far as best wrestled match
of the year is concerned, this one doesn't come
close. But a good part of any wrestling match
is that it tells a story. And congrats to HBK
and Flair for putting on one of the best stories
we've seen in a long-ass time. Woo.
JAMES SWIFT: And to supply this debate with a
healthy does of esotericism: KENTA and Kota Ibushi
vs. Naomichi Marufuji and Katsuhido Nakajima. Four
of the absolute best talents in the world completely
tearing it up for thirty minutes straight. And the
five-minute overtime period? If all you've had to
eat is WWE and TNA all year, you deserve to taste a
REAL five-star meal.
SHANE STEELE: Michaels-Flair was a great,
emotional match. And props to Shawn for taking that
sick bump on the announce table.
THE SIXTH CHILD: My ass and your… DAMMIT! That’s
the second time!
You can’t go past Michaels / Flair. It had
everything – a captivating storyline with two
experienced veterans who excel in both the physical
and psychological aspects of wrestling, colliding on
the grandest stage of them all. The match’s
concluding “I’m sorry, I love you” was a true
Wrestlemania moment. The only downside was hearing
that fucking “Leave the Memories Alone” lyric over
and over again.
NEIL CATHAN: I kinda want to be cheap and give it to
three different matches for three different reasons.
The entirely fictional main event in the spectacular
movie "Gachi Boy: Wrestling With A Memory". A
emotional and funny movie that is full of in-jokes
by the makers who are obvious wrestling geeks, Gachi
is one of the best films I've seen, and the tag
match that concludes the movie has an excellent mix
of psychology and workrate, along with clear faces
Since that wasn't an actual match, I have to
flick a coin between the storytelling in Flair's final
match, and the insanely good ring work in KENTA/Ichimori
vs Bryan Danielson/Eddie Edwards, which I was lucky
enough to see live. Obviously, the ring work was no
slouch in Flair vs HBK, and there was solid psychology
in the tag match too. So if you're more a fan of
psychology, I'd say the last Flair match is the one for
you. If you prefer fast paced action, go for the tag
match from European Navigation. If you're a wrestling
fan, or just someone who watches good movies, check out
NICOLE COOPER: These awards are making me
realize that 2008 was nowhere near as bad as I
originally thought it was. This one came just as
easy to me as the last one did. The match of the
year is no doubt Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair at
WrestleMania 24. It had everything that anybody
could ask for in a wrestling match. The actual
wrestling was great, it was set on the right stage,
and the emotions, well, I guess it had a few of
those thrown in there as well. [/internetsarcasm]
I'm risking sounding like a total jackass here, but
anybody who says that they won't remember the sight
of Michaels saying "I'm sorry. I love you" to Ric
Flair, is either a liar or one of the dumbest people
GERSHON LEVY: Based on the fact I didn’t see
most of these, I’d go with the Flair/HBK match. It had a more predictable ending than a
squash match but the buildup and the emotion during
the match itself really made it special.
ESBEN EVANS: Flair Vs HBK. It was emotional, well told, and had the
right finish. It was in other words awesome. There
were a few others that was great as well, but
there's just nothing like an old man beating up an
even older man…plus it spawned the photoshop that
was unjustly robbed of a fanny award, Old Yeller 2.
28)The BENNIFER/ TomKat Award for Worst Match of the
Nominees: Whatever made you feel like using the
Butterfly Effect to return to the womb and entangle
yourself in the umbilical thus retroactively
preventing you from having ever seen it in the
SEAN CARLESS: HHH vs. Vladimir Koslov at
Survivor Series. This match did in one night, what
communism could not in 50 fucking years: completely
break the spirit of the Western world and cripple
the world economy. Or just the first
part. Seriously. Had this match taken place in
1985, we'd all be speaking Russian right now and
wearing furry hats. Freedom would have taken a
back-seat to just ending the pain. Who needs a cold
war. Beahugs for 15 minutes straight are the real
solution to capitalism. I'm telling you.
DEREK BURGAN: I have to plead the fifth as there
are no note-worthy worst match of the year, but to
be fair, I spend most of my year FF'ing through
hundreds of potential nominees. If I did have a
vote, I'm sure Rhaka Khan would have been involved.
CATHERINE PEREZ: I can't decide between two.
First there was Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Holly vs.
Ted Dibiase, Jr. and, uh, Cody Rhodes. Not only did
this match have the most predictable outcome fucking
EVER, and not only did WWE defy all logic by having
Cody drop one half of the tag titles to himself, but
Hardcore Holly was in it. Christ, what did we ever
do to deserve that? Then there was Chris Jericho and Batista
running the worst Gauntlet of all time^2. So poorly
booked, we ALL shared Mike Adamle's confusion, and
that's usually impossible. The entire time I watched
that match, all I could hear in my head was that guy
from the Joe Schmo Show yelling out "Whaaat is
goooing onnnn?!" I just can't decide! Let's just
wipe these both matches from our collective memory.
ANTHONY DEAN: Batista vs Chris Jericho's World
Heavyweight Championship match at Cyber Sunday.
There was more fighting among all the guys that did
nonsensical run-ins and interfered than there was
between the two actual match participants. And to
cap off the parade of unwatchability with a
particularly unsettling blow, after JBL, Shawn
Michaels, Randy Orton, and Steve Austin all got
their shots in, mostly on eachother, Batista won the
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Ah, political humor.
Truly, thanks to Comedy Central, it has become a
bottomless well of hilarity. Except when the
WWE gets their ugly mitts all over it. HILARY
CLINTON VS. BARACK OBAMA made my soul cry.
Clearly, because Donald Vs. Rosie was such a great idea, let's do it again! And
you know some backwoods retard out there honestly
believed Hilary and Barack were going to throw down,
live on Raw. And he probably loved the match
regardless, because if that didn't show how
pro-Republican Vinnie Mac is, I don't know what
will. Yes, Democrats make shitty wrestlers!
VOTE REPUBLICAN, OR UMAGA WILL KICK YOUR ASS TOO.
Sometimes I really feel sorry for Cameron Burge.
JAMES SWIFT: Truth be told, I really haven't
been all that up-to-date on this year's suckery, so
I'll arbitrarily choose any of those Miz/Morrison
vs. Moore/Wang bouts from early January ECW. Yeah,
technically, they weren't all that bad, but in
hindsight, it wasn't worth getting a "D" in Biology
class and truncating torrid second-base sessions
either. Oh, the sacrifices an Internet writer makes
for his beloved fans.
SHANE STEELE: I was really interested in who
Ted's mystery partner would turn out to be. And I'll
admit I was shocked when it turned out to be Cody
Rhodes. Where it went after that bored the snot out
of me. So, looking back, it kind of sucks now.
THE SIXTH CHILD: Usually I’d be all for a Diva
clusterfuck, but that one of the 3-hour edition of
RAW was just woeful (see #1).
Special mention goes to Triple H vs. Kozlov at Survivor
Series. That didn’t even pass as a RAW main event. I
love Kozlov and all, but he’s nowhere near singles
main event status yet. Such a waste.
NEIL CATHAN: So you have the most significant
event in wrestling this year: Ric Flair's final
match. This could main event literally anything
ever. Not only should this match have gone on last,
but if something was going to go on after it, it
should not have been a trashy divas match. A match
that made me angry for it's positioning on the card,
was utterly shit and had lighting difficulties.
NICOLE COOPER: Any match involving Snitsky
pretty much reached all new levels of suck. But that
one goes without saying, so I'll give this one to
Candice's return match against Beth Phoenix from
whatever taped episode of Raw it was on. I always
thought that it would be pretty hard to carry Beth
Phoenix to an absolutely dreadful match. The girl
has an amazing amount of talent. Well, Candice took
that though and absolutely crushed it. She must have
executed every single move in that match
incorrectly. I've heard of ring rust before, but
hell, that's ring incompetence. It was painful to
watch, and I was surprised Candice didn't re-injure
herself from sucking so badly.
GERSHON LEVY: That whole Cody Rhodes turning on Holly
match was so stupid and predictable although somehow
Holly has not been on TV much since then. I don’t expect that to last, he always
manages to randomly come back at some point.
ESBEN EVANS: Besides TWF (funny) and the TWF Forum (not so funny)?
Batista Vs Umaga. As I've mentioned earlier, I
haven't seen a lot of newer wrestling this year, but
I firmly remember hating Batista with every bone in
my body after this 10 minute abortion…fuck that…then
again, I can't remember the last time I saw him
where I didn't get a similar feeling…here's to
hoping that he'll be out for a long time with that
29)BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT SINCE FAKE TITTIES WERE INVENTED
(most improved wrestler of the year, for whatever
Nominees: The Miz, The Brian Kendrick, Jeff Hardy, Eric
Young, Randy Orton, CM Punk, Code Rhodes, Manu
SEAN CARLESS: The Miz. Now I only want to see
him die in agony occasionally.
DEREK BURGAN: The Miz went from a HOWDY HO goof,
or whatever he fucking chanted in ECW that went
nowhere, to a legit tag team of the year award
winner. He deserves props for that. He's Jonny
Fairplay with talent and has broken away from a
group of people that we'll be watching years from
now on Celebrity Rehab.
CATHERINE PEREZ: The Brian Kendrick! Who would
have thought that a change in wardrobe and some
swanky dance moves would help me like the guy more?
It's just a damn shame that Paul London didn't find
that awesome jacket first. It probably came from a
local Goodwill store, with Ezekiel Jackson attached
for no extra charge. On a sidenote, Pulp Fiction's
one of my favorite movies, so I think it's my
obligation to like Big Zeke. At least that must be
how WWE Creative thinks. Personally, I'm waiting on
Kendrick's feud with Edge, just so Vickie can start
hollering and Ezekiel can scream out "TELL THAT
BITCH TO BE COOL! SAY 'BITCH, BE COOL'~!" It should
be pretty awesome. Dated, but awesome.
ANTHONY DEAN: THE Brian Kendrick. He's small,
agile, charismatic, and his ring work is solid.
Considering it's the WWE, this guy should've been
wished well a long time ago, but he's done an
excellent job in running with his new gimmick and,
barring any unforseen hhhurdles, could easily go on
to be big. Figuratively, anyway. Solid second place
goes to The Miz, who has improved to the point that
he no longer brings down his partner John Morrison
in every match. Sometimes still, yeah, sure, but not
always, and really, what more can you ask? It's the
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: CHRIS JERICHO. Jericho's
evolution from basically coming back and NOT
CHANGING HIS CHARACTER WHATSOEVER FOR THE PAST 7
YEARS to super serious righteous heel has been one
of the biggest surprises of the year for me.
Don't get me wrong, I always liked Jericho.
But come on, he was calling himself Y2J in 2008!
If that doesn't scream "dated character" I don't
know what does. So what does he do? Heel
turn big time, and find a way to stay completely in
the right. The key to an awesome heel is for
them to constantly believe that they are right.
When has Jericho, post turn, believe he was wrong?
NEVER, that's when, asshole. You add that onto
his track record of entertaining matches, and you
have one awesome guy. One that'll probably not
be doing shit the early part of the year, but
JAMES SWIFT: I'm going to pick Cryme Tyme,
simply because they were introduced as blatantly
racist caricatures with little to no in-ring ability
in 2007 and now, in 2008, they're blatantly racist
caricatures with some modicum of in- ring-ability.
By 2018, they should be a better team than the
fucking British Bulldogs.that are still blatantly
SHANE STEELE: Is The Miz nominated every year?
But seriously, he did get a lot better this year,
both in the ring and on the mic. And his bit where
he mocked Festus going insane had me rolling on the
THE SIXTH CHILD: I’ll give credit where credit
is due: Miz’s in-ring ability has come along very
nicely, and his partnership with John Morrison is
one of the only decent things on WWE TV.
Special mention goes to Eric Young. When TNA doesn’t
have him running around Memphis looking for Elvis,
you notice he’s actually a decent wrestler.
NEIL CATHAN: If only some company would give
Kevin Nash the opportunity he deserves. Here is a
young man who has so muchh potential, but I'm
worried that politics are going to hold him down.
Anyway, I feel he has come along in strides
(figuratively speaking, of course. Striding to the
ring can cause him to blow his quad) from last year,
where he only worked a few tag matches on PPV. This
year he was pinning the company's best hope for the
future, and making supposedly the most dangerous and
unstoppable force in the company, and one of it's
few homegrown talents look like a jobber. Boy, did
that ever seem familiar for some reason.
NICOLE COOPER: The most improved wrestler this
year isn't the most improved because he got better
in the ring. Hell, he doesn't even need to get
better in the ring because he's already great. No,
instead, the most improved wrestler this year
improved by actually gaining a strange gimmick,
making it work, and showing everyone that he
actually has an insane amount of charisma and the
ability to cut some awesome promos. Oh, and he
smoked a lot of weed too. That's right, I'm talking
about The Brian Kendrick.
GERSHON LEVY: I have to give it to Randy Orton this
year. This was the first year I actually took
him seriously and thought he was a credible
wrestler. Wrestling for me has been reduced to
surfing the internet during Raw and looking up when
something interesting happens.
I admit I look up fairly often if Orton is on TV.
ESBEN EVANS: Hehe, I almost gave it to Hardcore Holly, but yeah…The
Brian Kendrick. He went from random flippity floppy
guy #2 alongside that grinning buffoon called Paul
London, to ditch his sorry ass and actually get a
gimmick, a push and like a billion fines for smoking
weed…all in all a pretty good year…plus he got a
random black guy to help his ass out, and that
worked out pretty well for Jericho.
30)I'D BUY IT... IF I COULDN'T STEAL IT (PPV of the
Nominees: Great American Bash, WrestleMania 24, No
Mercy, One Night Stand, Royal Rumble
SEAN CARLESS: Ginormous Jugs 2. I ordered
it the other night, and was thoroughly entertained.
And unlike wrestling this year, it actually featured
half-naked people trying to lie on top of each other
that I actually cared about.
Ah, I kid. I'll go with Wrestlemania 24. It had
something for everyone. A grandfather being kicked
to death. A midget child being bludgeoned. Innoccent
people on fire. Little Naitch breaking Ben Johnson's
1988 sprinting World Record. HHH not winning. You
know, the stuff dreams were made of. Just not the
one's I usually have. Thank God. Because, boy would
that have been awkward for my guests. You try
explaing why a horse with a party hat is
suddenly fucking a woman.
DEREK BURGAN: Being live at WrestleMania was a
great moment. Knowing my arch-nemesis
Green Lantern Fan was there, dressed in a tuxedo, acting as an
unofficial greeter, puts it over the top.
WrestleMania is the PPV of the Year. Know why?
Because it's WrestleMania. Seriously, what else is
there to say? Um... "The quick brown fox jumps over
the lazy dog"? Actually, I really did enjoy One
Night Stand, as it was, shockingly enough, the best
post-'Original ECW' One Night Stand. It could
definitely use a name change, though. Now that it's
a three-brand uber-WWE production, exactly what are
we getting just one night of? This is where I'd add
in a hilarious answer, but, damn it, I don't have
ANTHONY DEAN: One Night Stand, where every match
was fun to watch and Orton was FINALLY taken out of
the main event picture via a broken collarbone after
main eventing so many consecutive pay per views
you'd think he was actually over or something.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: I know that it's become quite the norm to
say WRESTLEMANIA is the PPV of the year, but usually
it just has no equal in terms of quality. WM
24 had something for everyone. Serious
historical significance (Ric Flair's last match...we
hope), genuine surprises (come on, who thought Randy
Orton was winning?), high flying spot-monkey
showoffs (it's the yearly MitB tradition),
all-around fantastic matches (the main event in
particular - Batista/Umaga, not so much), guest
appearances, and TITS. Not every match was a
winner, I can give you that, and the outdoor venue
made for some interesting
conditions, but I really cannot see how anything
comes close to matching the big time feel of this
PPV. Even if our asses felt sore the next
morning from slapping down $70 to see it in HD...
JAMES SWIFT: I'll break the rules once more and
select a non-televised card as my selection for
PPV-of-the-year. (Aren't the terms PPV-of-the-year
and Card-of- the-Year interchangeable?) Regardless,
ROH Supercard of Honor III gets my vote.
Aries\McGuinness tearing the house down followed by
twenty minutes of hot lucharesu-on-lucharesu action?
Yes, sir, I like that. I like that a lot.
SHANE STEELE: The Great American Bash really
sticks out for me, if not only because it was the
night Matt Hardy lost the US title and my brother
and I danced around the room in joy. In case you
haven't noticed, I really hate Matt Hardy.
THE SIXTH CHILD:
WrestleMania 24. It was the only PPV I ordered that
was worth… (looks at cable bill).
Lemme start that again. It was the only PPV I ordered.
NEIL CATHAN: The only year in the last decade
which has seen a better PPV than Wrestlemania was
2005, when on June 12th, ECW returned to the
Hammerstein Ballroom and put on the only real ECW
ONS PPV. One Night Stand in it's first edition was
one of the greatest PPVs in history. One Night Stand
was a cruel mockery as usual this year. So Mania
will get my vote this time around.
NICOLE COOPER: This one is pretty obvious,
WrestleMania 24. Every single match on the show was
above average, and even included a Randy Orton
victory in a match where no one thought he stood a
chance. Aside from the crappy ECW title match
between Kane and Chavo (which doesn't count because
it's ECW) the show was almost perfect. Of course the
fact that the Match of the Year was included in it
only helps its case.
GERSHON LEVY: I pick the Royal Rumble but I’m a little
biased because I actually saw it live and in person. Regardless of my negative opinion of John
Cena, I was completely shocked he was in the Rumble. That was one of the rare times WWE
actually got me on a swerve.
Of course then I was just plain pissed off.
ESBEN EVANS: Wrestlemania…because it was the only Pay-Per-View I
saw…so there…other than that, Superbrawl 96 was
31)WENDY WHOPPERS "BEST PAIR OF THE YEAR" (Best tag
Nominees: Miz & Morrison, Miz & Morrison,Miz &
Morrison,Miz & Morrison,Miz & Morrison, or other
people not Miz & Morrison.
SEAN CARLESS: Miz & Morrison. But come on. Like
there's really anyone else. This category is like a
beautiful woman competing in a beauty contest filled
entirely with other girls who look like Corky from
Life Goes On. You could take a shit on the stage and
blumpkin the three judges, and you'd still get the
DEREK BURGAN: I'm going with Jimmy Jacobs and
Tyler Black in ROH's Age of the Fall, but I'm not
going to cry when Miz & Morrison win it. It's been a
great year for tag teams, especially on the indy
scene with the Briscoes, Steen & Generico and
numerous Dragon Gate combinations.
CATHERINE PEREZ: Miz and Morrison, as they'll
gladly tell you every fucking week on The Dirt
Sheet. Two Slammies, a couple of Tag title reigns,
and the ability to rub a little personality off on
the former Edgeheads, Zack and... um... the other
one? YOU KNOW IT, WOO WOOO WOOOO. Yeah, Miz and
Morrison are pretty awesome, but it's not like this
was a tough decision considering the tag division is
still really weak. So weak, in fact, that these two
guys are appearing on all three shows almost every
week. Now that deserves my vote! The Dirt Sheet pretty much
their careers Miz's career, too. Clap
ANTHONY DEAN: John Morrison and The Miz. Who
knew giving guys time to talk would get them over?
Anyway, great team, almost a shame that they'll have
to break up someday so John Morrison can go on to
fulfill his destiny of being a six hundred time
world champion, but alas, it is inevitable. Until
then, though, this talented, hilarious, always fun
to watch team will be, well, hilarious and fun to
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: MIZ AND MORRISON.
Considering the team's '07 origins and how they
basically bullshitted out of that corner (hey, we
insult each other all the time but now that we're
tag champs we all of a sudden are best buds!), this
team has consistently improved, and at this point,
is bar none the best tag team in WWE. All
time? Debatable. In other feds too?
I'm sure there's a forum devoted to the discussion
somewhere. But anyone who thinks Jesse and
Festus, THE COLONS, or any other team of two random
guys with nothing better to do can compare to Miz
and Morrison, well, they might know how to walk and
breathe at the same time soon. Why do you
think they got the titles on Raw? BECAUSE
THEY'RE THE ONLY ACTUAL TAG TEAM ON THERE.
That might speak more to WWE's priority of the tag
division, but still. What team has entertained
you more this year? Rey Mysterio and Evan
Bourne? ...Yeah, but that was only one match.
And who were they facing? MIZ AND MORRISON.
Case closed. I think.
JAMES SWIFT: KENTA and Taiji Ishimori. They're
like the Riggs and Murtaugh of kicking Asian people
in the face really, really hard.
SHANE STEELE: I was going to give it to Bam and
Chavo based only on Bam's great facial expressions,
but then I remembered Chavo makes up the other half
of that team. Miz and Morrison were awesome this
year, both inside the ring and out of it. Their Dirt
Sheet bit were they summoned Paul Bearer from the
dead was hilarious.
THE SIXTH CHILD: I must say that the tag team
match between Miz/Morrison and Jesse/Festus on
Smackdown recently provided me with one of the only
laugh-out-loud moments I’ve gotten from wrestling in
quite some time. Morrison kept ringing the match
bell, sending Festus in and out of his trance-like
state, while Miz mimicked his every move. I’ll say
it again; Miz and Morrison are one of the only
decent things on WWE TV.
The other is Glamarella, who gets my vote solely due to
one Santino Marella. The “sanamagun” has just the
right mix of shtick, charisma and in-ring
believability. While it would be nice to see Beth
Phoenix wrestle in more matches, she also plays a
good straight-man (no pun intended. Seriously).
NEIL CATHAN: Between the Machineguns and LAX
this year. Both have had some great matches, and
work well together as teams, with styles that really
blend (In a side note, this reporter comes bearing
news that tag teams vanished years ago due to
McMahon, in an attempt to jump on the popularity of
internet phenomenon "Will it blend?" stuck the tag
division in a giant blender.) (Side-side note: This
story is of course, ridiculous, as readers will
notice. Vince McMahon being up on the times? Yeah,
NICOLE COOPER: Although I hinted that Beer Money
Inc. would be walking away with this award in my TNA
recaps, I had a slight change of heart. Something
amazing happened this year. One man I love and one
man who I absolutely despise(d) joined together to
form a tag team that ended up being so amazing, that
I ended up loving the one man I once despised. John
Morrison and The Miz are easily the greatest tag
team of the year. They work great together in the
ring, they cut such good promos together, and The
Dirt Sheet is internet video perfection. They
managed to trick me into believing that there's
still hope for tag team wrestling in WWE, and that
alone is a serious accomplishment.
GERSHON LEVY: Like Wrestler of the Year, I agree with
the Slammys and pick Miz and Morrison. I never thought I’d give the Miz any
awards but these guys are the perfect blend of egos
and they actually wrestle pretty decently too. Funny how both of them came from MTV
I’d give honorable mention to Glamorella but
mainly because Santino is awesome.
ESBEN EVANS: Miz & Morrison…and I can't believe I ever would say
that. They work well together and they are for the
most part actually pretty funny as well…sure Miz is
a little annoying…a lot annoying…but it's acceptable
when you have Morrison to play off him, and they've
both developed into pretty solid wrestlers. Now if
only WWE had a tag division so they would matter…if
32)FULL-FRONTAL FEUDITY (Feud of the year)
Nominees: Shawn Michaels vs Batista, HBK/Y2J, Jake
Roberts vs. his pants, Jeff Hardy and Triple H, HBK
and Flair, Orton and Jeff Hardy, Kofi
Kingston/Shelton Benjamin, Edge/Undertaker, Lance
SEAN CARLESS: Sean Carless vs. Apathy. And the
fact that I'm seemingly more absent than a Baby
Daddy in the Ghetto these days is a testament to
who's winning this rivalry. And I'm actually a guy
who once blew off having sex in 1998 for a 5 hour
block of RAW & Nitro! (But mostly because it'd
have took me an hour to inflate my "special lady".).
But seriously, HBK vs. Jericho, easily. It taught
me to find religion again. Turns out it was in the
sofa cushions all along. This feud was like a
spiritual awakening for me. It had all the great
twists and turns. Blood was spilled; pants were
lost; and wives were punched in the face by people
whose first names weren't umm, Stone Cold Steve.
What was there not to love?
DEREK BURGAN: Scott Hall vs. Sobriety, although
this was kind of a squash match seeing how it all
CATHERINE PEREZ: I think we all know by now that
I REALLY enjoyed Edge and Undertaker's feud, so how
about I give this one to Chris Jericho vs. Shawn
Michaels? Only because, unlike Edge vs. Undertaker,
both Jericho and Michaels put a lot into the
storyline aspect of their feud. Not a knock on the
Undertaker or anything, 'cause he definitely
delivered in his matches, but I hate that he never
does anything for the actual storylines anymore
except maybe appear out of thin air and say
something ridiculous about the eyes of the dragon.
Anyway, Jericho vs. Michaels was just so intense. I
fucking loved every minute of it, especially when
Nitro Girl Whysper got her lip collagen knocked
askew. Punching a woman in the face: IT'S KID
FRIENDLY. Tell you what, though: I'm getting pretty
sick of that stupid, forlorn look that's been
plastered on HBK's face all year. He looks like his
face is melting faster than Christmas snow.
ANTHONY DEAN: Randy Orton and Jeff Hardy
certainly had a good, short rivalry at the beginning
of the year, but the Hardy-Trips feud was even
better. It's been building since last year's
Survivor Series, when they were the sole survivors
of their team, and carried through number one
contender maches, an Elimination Chamber, and even a
CHAMPIONSHIP SCRAMBLE. It was built on mutual
respect and amiable toleration for a while, but that
has finally given way to fierce opposition, with
both men managing to remain face all throughout ; it
isn't about bloody beatdowns or economic crises or
whatever crazy shit, it's just pure competition. It
has now culminated in Jeff Hardy finally winning the
WWE Championship, and since that belt's nameplate
features a name that isn't Triple H, you know damn
well it's not over. I give this award to Jeff
Hardy-Triple H due to longevity, flexibility, and
just simple, great storytelling. Besides, Randy
Orton vs His Motorcycle was just way too one-sided.
I will go with...SHAWN MICHAELS VS. ANYONE
THIS YEAR. It's a shame the guy's getting old.
Time is a bitch like that. That being said,
HBK has provided some of the most entertaining TV
this year. In the ring, for me it was good,
not great. That's why Edge got the nod for
Wrestler of the Year. Out of the ring though?
I have to give Shawn the slight upper hand here.
Psycho Edge was great, but that was only a matter of
weeks. HBK gave us pure awesomeness with
Flair, Batista, Jericho, even JBL! Come on,
how often do you get good stuff out of JBL these
days? Michaels continues to be an absolute
machine in the WWE, no question. Who knew
laying off the coke was such a good idea?
Oh, and even his WIFE is good
at selling. Is HBK's seed like the blood of
JAMES SWIFT: The BURNING / Kensuke Office feud
is not only the best rivalry of the year, but one of
the most intellectually stimulating and rewarding
feuds in pro wrestling history. Over in Japan,
storylines are booked based on internalized,
relatable elements and not.oh, say, the CEO of a
company giving birth to leprechauns with his Lucky
Charm sperm. I once heard some Internet message
board nerd compare the KENTA/Kenta Kobashi vs.
Sasaki/Nakajima saga to The Dark Knight, meaning the
rivalry has transcended its cartoony "pro wrestling"
container and become something far deeper than
comical fare. Thoughtful, reflective stuff about
corporate ascension, father- son business relations,
nepotism and personal obligation from a purportedly
SHANE STEELE: HBK and Y2J really delivered in
the ring, but please, can somebody keep them off the
mic? Their promos were putting me to sleep. That
aside, great matches, great feud.
THE SIXTH CHILD: As usual, Michaels manages to
hog all the best feuds of the year – all of which
start off with his opponent highlighting how selfish
he is, only to have the crowd cheering for HBK by
the end of it. I don’t know if Michaels is that good
or if WWE fans are that stupid.
Against Batista he was good. Against Y2J he was
great. But for the WM24 match alone, 2008’s feud of
the year was Michaels vs. Flair. Hopefully the
Nature Boy will become the only wrestling
personality with credibility if he ultimately
decides to stay out of the ring for good. Please,
Ric, don’t get sucked into this whole “one more
match” bullshit. You virtually left on top – keep it
NEIL CATHAN: A storyline where two wrestlers had
a believable reason to fight, which developed over
time, as did the characters of both wrestlers, who
were both charismatic, great in the ring and over,
which re-made one of them as a main eventer. I have
to give the award to the excellent feud between
Jericho and Michaels this year. Spectacular stuff.
NICOLE COOPER: In order for something to be the
feud of the year, it would have to include the
wrestler of the year. No feud this year was greater
than Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels. The history
behind it, the matches that took place over the
course of it, the little extra things done to keep
it alive, and not to mention the promos. The promos
were probably the best part of the entire feud.
Turning Chris Jericho heel was an amazing move by
the WWE, almost as amazing as the creation of this
GERSHON LEVY: I have to give this one to Jericho and
HBK. Jericho’s heel turn through this feud has
elevated him big time and he became much more
interesting to watch because of it.
ESBEN EVANS: HBK Vs Jericho. It had it all. Great matches? Check,
Great Story? Check, A woman getting knocked the fuck
out? Check. All in all, it was done almost
perfectly. HBK was actually in the 3 best feuds of
the year, and they all segued into each other
nicely…I can't believe I'm gonna say this but…well
done WWE Creative…well done…I think I'm gonna be
33)"LIKE SCROTUM, HERE IT IS IN A NUTSHELL" (Single
defining moment of 2008, good or bad)
Nominees: Whatever 2008 embodied for you.
SEAN CARLESS: The defining moments of this
year are the defining moments of every fucking year.
Nothing ever changes. Hey, remember when HHH Main
Evented Wrestlemania? John Cena got the belt and
beat a bunch of people you kind of liked better? How
about that time Batista got a million title shots?
Orton looked poised to take it to the next level,
then it all went tits up? Jeff Hardy made a lot of
bad decisions? That one guy from ECW got the World
Title for 2 seconds then lost it back to the same
old bullshit we always get? How about that
time Samoa Joe was misused? The X-Division was
ignored? The Castoff WWE/WCW guys got all the
opportunities in TNA? Sure you have, because this is
WRESTLING, every year, for the last 4 years. But
hey, it's had a lot of awesome moments, too. It's
just overshadowed a lot by the bad.
Wrestling in 2008 is like a husband who beats the fuck
out of his wife, then buys her a mink the next day.
You hurt like hell, but you forget you have no teeth
for a few minutes, because man is that mink pretty.
The beating is regular WWE/TNA booking. The mink
coat is CM Punk, Edge, Chris Jericho, HBK &
But I will persevere! I'm still an optimist--leaning
toward being a Megatronist. Wrestling is what it is.
It's my old lady. She's getting ugly as shit in her
waning years, sure; but damn it, I'm going to stay
loyal because its familiar and I still have my
memories of when she was awesome. Plus, I'm too ugly
to get anyone better. UFC? As if she'd date me.
DEREK BURGAN: While I think CM Punk becoming the
pussy world champion is a good pick, I'm going with
the WWE State of the Union address with Stephanie
McMahon emasculating all the wrestlers in the ring
at once. That's wrestling in a nutshell with
everyone we love being subservient to the whims and
demands of someone we loathe.
CATHERINE PEREZ: The single defining moment of
the year for me came with ECW's New Talent
Initiative. Ten years from now, all our favorite
current WWE stars will be GONE, and in their place
will be guys like Jack Swagger, Ricky Ortiz, Evan
Bourne, DJ Gabriel, and Gavin Spears. Oh, and
probably Marty Jannetty for about two weeks. And
Funaki. I refuse to order WrestleMania 45 if "'The
Living Legend' Gavin Spears" is headlining, with
"WWE Legend Kung Fu Naki" as special guest referee.
I'm begging WWE for some wrestlers with some fucking
staying power. PLEASE.
ANTHONY DEAN: The last thirty seconds of Ric
Flair's retirement match. "I'm sorry...I love it."
It symbolized the end of an era, and the dawn of a
new one. That being one without promising young
talent constantly jobbing to a sixty year old man
who really doesn't need the wins. Well, in the WWE,
anyway. If you do for some reason ever feel like
reliving that era, you can just tune into TNA
anytime between now and, well, probably forever.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: Plain and simple, we expect
things of the wrestling industry nowadays. We
expect WWE to not change, even in the face of
declining ratings. They were thinking about
it, at least, but NOPE, welcome to the past 5 years.
We expect talented wrestlers to ultimately get
nowhere for purely bullshit reasons. Hi,
Elijah Burke, how you doing? We expect the
occasional glimmer of hope, and the occasional
surprise. John Cena and CM Punk can attest to
that. We expect ROH to put on awesome matches
that no one ever sees, and we expect TNA to
perpetually suck enough to put a black hole to
shame. So, when I look for a defining moment
of 2008, I look for historical significance.
We all know what that was last year. This
year, it was RIC FLAIR'S RETIREMENT. Say what
you will about his later years, but the guy has been
entertaining using pretty much the same act for
three decades. Think about that. What
has been consistently entertaining for that long?
The only thing I can think of that lasted that long
is Saturday Night Live, and you'd be a fool to think
that has been constantly entertaining. Sadly,
he'll eventually be back in the ring (lots of
ex-wives hitting up your wallet will do that), but
for now, he's done. Stay done Ric.
You've earned it.
Honorable mention goes to both Hardy's holding world
titles at the end of the year. Come on, did
you really think THESE GUYS would be holding two of
WWE's top titles?
My goodness, that makes my eyes bleed. Happy new
JAMES SWIFT: I always try to reflect on the past as if
I were ten years into the future (huh?), so I try to
abstain from selecting the instantaneously
gratifying elements of the year as being "most
significant". That being stated, the two most
important things to happen in the pro wrestling
gamut this year are also two things that most fans
haven't realized yet. Number one is the continual
degradation of the Japanese wrestling scene. If the
powers-that-be keep fouling up the way they have
been, we could be in store for a 2001- esque
industry wide collapse in the land of the Rising
Sun. Now, what kind of effect does that have on the
American wrestling scene? A lot bigger pull than
you'd think. The second must important thing to
happen to wrestling in 2008 is.the UFC. Seriously.
The next big thing in pro wrestling is the adoption
of more MMA-like in-ring product, and if you're
thinking "Hey, a promotion based entirely around
realistic, non-sports-entertainment worked- shoots?
Awesome!" you'd be a.) right and b.) not all that
informed, because those crafty Japanese folk have
been doing it for years (RINGS, UWF, the list goes
on and on). So, that means we have an ensuing
paradigm shift, based on a Japanese template, in
which said nation's industry is spiraling into the
shithouse. and as we all know, American remakes of
Japanese originals are never that well executed.
SHANE STEELE: Since I saw it more than anybody
else (unless it happened multiple times on PPV),
Triple H pinning Jeff Hardy a bazillion times was
just his little way of reminding us that he can rule
any show, no matter who's on it. Now Smackdown is
Triple H's kingdom and nobody is safe.
THE SIXTH CHILD: So the intelligentsias at World
WRESTLING Entertainment decide that the best name
for someone who WRESTLES is… an entertainer?
That pretty much sums it all up right there. The
industry isn’t enough of a joke, now we can’t even
call wrestlers “wrestlers”. First you force-feed me
this “World Wrestling Entertainment” bullshit, now
you’re making me drop the word “wrestler”. By this
time next year WWE will be known as “Place Inhabited
By Humans Some Of Them Entertainers Entertainment”.
PIBHSOTEE just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
Here are some predictions for the future I pulled out
of my ass just now:
“The Wrestling Fan” will soon be renamed “The
Cedric the Entertainer will become the next ECW
Sarah Palin will include “Batista the Entertainer”
alongside “Joe the Plumber”, “Mary the Nurse” and
the rest of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood in her 2012
Mickey Rourke will win the best actor Academy Award
for his gripping performance in “The Entertainer”.
Vince, I know it’s hard running the world’s biggest
wrestling company. But I also know that you’ve
purposely made it hard for yourself – and the poor
saps who work for you – by insisting there be no
days off, reruns or off-seasons for what is now a
stale, unappealing product.
Instead of looking for ways to make it easier for
everyone, you just seem to keep on finding ways to
make it harder for everyone: your employees, WWE
fans, EVERY ONE. Now you come up with one of the
most fucking ludicrous policies of all time: take
away the word “wrestler”. Good luck trying to
convince those outside the industry that wrestling
is a legit medium… just don’t use the term
After all the shit you put these people through –
people who live out of a suitcase on a wing and a
prayer and on the verge of doing serious damage to
themselves just so they can line your pockets with
cash – the very fucking least you can do is refer to
them by what they are: WRESTLERS.
So here’s to another sucky year of WWE, and on
behalf of everyone at “The Entertaining Fan”, I’d
just like to say: “Fuck you, Vince. Fuck you in your
NEIL CATHAN: WWE pushed the new talent initiative for a
period during this year, gave the belt to Punk,
Jericho and Hardy. TNA was starting to show signs of
improvement, and that they could be good again, like
they were for most of 2006, and put the belt on Joe.
ROH had a champion a long time in the making, with a
good personality to match the great ring work, had
come off a string of great PPVs in 2007, and were
set to kick ass with the Age Of The Fall angle.
WWE made Punk look like a jobber as champion,
and depushed the new talent as suddenly as the push had
begun. TNA made a the same mistakes as ever, and added
in doing WCW's last ever angle. The one they died before
completing. That's the extent of it's success. ROH had a
rape angle, and replaced Sapolsky (who had been
excellent with the exception of this sudden case of
retard) with a wrestler (which never makes a good
booker) who had no experience.
This year in a nutshell is promises of
something great from all three large US companies, and
failure to deliver from all three. What's frustrating is
that they nearly did. 2008 could have been a great year
for wrestling. The potential was all there. This made it
one of the most frustrating years to be a fan.
NICOLE COOPER: The defining moment of 2008 has
to be the injury John Cena suffered at the hands of
Batista all the way back at Summerslam. It set up
what could be considered a major chain reaction of
events. All these events are basically what made
2008 a pretty damn good year to be a WWE fan. If
John Cena was never hurt, it's safe to say he would
have been the Heavyweight Champion once again a lot
earlier than how it ended up being. Instead, we got
to see something from the WWE that we haven't seen
in years: change. Without John Cena's injury, it's
right to assume that CM Punk never would have held
the title as long as he did, and either would have
Chris Jericho, twice. It put new people in the main
event scene and let new people carry the flagship
show, and that's all a lot of us have been asking
for, and we finally got it.
I’m going to give it to something positive here.
WWE did something this year that I have never seen
and we may never see again. They gave Ric
Flair a celebration for retiring unlike any other
I’ve ever seen before. Anyone else even close
to his level that would warrant such an event pisses
off Vince or vice versa so it never happens it
seems. In a way, it was almost like a chapter
of professional wrestling was closed knowing there
will never be another one like Ric Flair. It’s
the only time WWE programming made me choke up a
little and the person they were celebrating was
there to see it. Kudos to WWE for doing this
ESBEN EVANS: Adamle fucking his lines up. I think he's definitely
the guy most people are gonna remember 2008 for in
wrestling. From his random appearance as a backstage
interviewer fucking his lines up, to a gig as
announcer where he fucked all his lines up, to
becoming the GM of Raw where he…you know…it was his
year for good or bad…
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