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Welcome to the 5th ANNUAL FANNY AWARDS! The Fanny Awards are not a collection of Awards celebrating "ass" (although we understand that Vince McMahon would probably prefer that it was) but rather the patented tasteless Year-End Awards that only The Wrestling Fan.com can provide. We actually have no idea if anyone else can provide them, but damn it, it sounded like a great boast so we went with it. Anyway, these Awards are not you regular "year-end" fare, as we choose to forsake traditional serious opinions in favor of...pretty much making fun of everything we can. We're silly like that. And oh ya, chances are you'll probably be offended. It contains foul language, sexual situations, and humor that will deeply disturb many. Just like any great movie. And if they don't? Well, good for you! You'll fit in perfectly around here. To everyone else though, you can access our complaint department by clicking the large red X in the top right corner of the screen. 
 
With that said, let's get to it! Let's get to the 2007 FANNY AWARDS!
Anyway, on with the show!

1)THE FALSE FINISH. This is the award that honors one star, saying "I can't fucking believe he/she lived another year."
Nominees: Scott Hall; Roddy Piper; Jake Roberts; Mae Young; Kurt Angle; Lex Luger; Iron Sheik; 
 
Sean Carless: Wow, this is a tough call. Normally, I'd choose "Made in the ICU" Lex Luger, but I doubt Miss Elizabeth's family is done playing with that Voodoo doll yet. On the other hand, both Jake Roberts and Scott Hall have defied the reaper for so long now, I'm convinced that neither, much like Keith Richards, are even capable of dying anymore. Because, let's be frank, poor Jake is riddled with more poisons than any snake he's ever owned and he's still kicking, err, short-arm clotheslining. That said, clearly, the best thing those folks at the WWE paid-for Rehab center that's housing Jake Roberts could do, is to bottle his blood and sprinkle it on the ill, injured, and diseased. If my calculations are correct, they should instantly heal as if they're drinking from the one true Cup of Christ itself. I'm convinced of it.
 
However, my *official* choice is a real dark horse. (Dark horsemen?) DEAN MALENKO. That's right, if case you haven't noticed, The Radicalz are cursed. Benoit? Dead. Eddie? Gone. Perry Saturn: Bald. And ya, riddled with more bullet wounds than fucking RoboCop. Clearly, there's some kind of strange Final Destination shit going on right now as it pertains to these guys. And somehow, as a result, I get the visual of poor Deano Machino all held-up in some cabin somewhere, surrounded by death-proof booby-traps all whilst wearing 6 snowsuits and a suit of armor. Can't say I blame him.
 
Derek Burgan: After watching various DVDs over the year, including On the Road with the Iron Shiek and Face Off 2 , I am slightly in shock that Sheiky-baby hasn’t given himself an aneurysm. Sheik could seemingly find out his coffee didn’t have sugar on it and go on a tirade that would make Michael Douglas in Falling Down seem downright sheepish. The train wreck of all train wrecks and I personally can not help but watch it in all it’s glory.
 
Justin Shapiro: Vince McMahon, right?  Remember when he ... blew up ... seemingly to death ... and ... I guess we're not doing that one anymore.  Doesn't it hit you hard when you nominate Fabulous Moolah year after year, and now here she's gone and died?  Mortality, yeah?  Harrowing.  Not that I'm sympathetic to the Fabulous Moolah, who was evidently sort of a bad person.
 
James Walker: I’d just like to mention that I’ve not seen any of the rest of the staff’s picks, and I guarantee you that SOMEONE made a joke about Moolah. I don’t blame them, dead women are funny. That’s why my basement is such a good time!
 
Honestly though, I’m shocked that Jake Roberts made it through another year. For a while there, all you heard about was Jake starving his snake in England or some shit, and frankly, I thought that was hilarious. I mean, come on, it’s a fucking snake! You’re telling me that it can’t go kick some ass anaconda style? I mean, Jake’s probably in a Hunter S. Thompson-esque state for 18 hours a day, so Damien/Revelations/Princess Buttercup/whatever the hell the snake’s name is could easily sneak into the pantry to get some marshmallows while Jake’s trying to stop the wall from melting.
 
Now Jake has taken up Vince’s offer for free drug rehab for ex-employees? I pity that addiction counselor. That’s the equivalent of being a pool boy and being told to clean up the Gulf of Mexico. On top of it, how would they even admit the guy? I’m sure the medical staff would try to take his blood pressure, but Jake would simply pull them in for a short-arm clothesline. I tell you, this has disaster written all over it.
 
Catherine Perez: I was going to choose Lex Luger, but, quite frankly, I CAN fucking believe he lived another year. It's almost as if God is punishing Luger for that whole Elizabeth thing by not letting him kick the bucket. Immortality at the expense of pulling a Christopher Reeve FTW! SO. My pick for winner of the prestigious False Finish award is none other than Scott Hall, who's had just about the shittiest year in recent memory... next to the never-existing Chris Benoit, of course. Once loved by many as the Cuban-American Tony Montana rip-off Razor Ramon, Hall is now a fat, depressed, drunken shell of his former self. This is a guy who went from having a 5-star ladder match with Shawn Michaels in 1994 to indirectly causing his then-11-year-old son to suffer from a major depressive disorder with his threatening drunkenness in 2002, then getting fat like he got stung by a jellyfish, then no-showing tons and tons of wrestling shows this year. He's already cheated death by liver failure, heart attack, abdominal explosion, the biting and depressive words of wrestling smarks, and the fury of a woman scorned (hello, ex-Mrs. Hall~!). I don't know about you guys, but I don't think Hall's going to be winning this award next year... or ever again, if you catch my drift.
 
Joe Merrick: The only list that seems to get shorter every year. Well, that and ‘Top Things That Anvil’s Swagbag Doesn’t Hate’. I’ll go with Scott Hall, who apparently breaks down more and more as we speak, this year suffering from depression. Hey, maybe if he actually bothered to go out he would be on time for all the social functions his friends invite him to and would have a laugh. But hey, I’m no psychiatrist.
 
Michael Melchor: I’d give this to Mae Young again (who I can’t BELIEVE outlived Moolah!), but there’s a guy that can’t stray off the downward spiral long enough to recognize when he’s been given a chance, and that’s “Da Bad Guy”.  Leave it to good ol’ Scott “Last Call” Hall to be given a great opportunity in TNA only to spit on its ass and prison-fuck it.  No wonder Kevin Nash just stood idly by while Samoa Joe ran he and his buddy into the ground.  What the hell could he say?
 
Cameron Burge: Chris Benoit! Oh.wait.yeah.You always have to open with the real tough ones don't you Sean? I mean, on the one hand Lex Luger has gone from the Narcissist to the Paraplegic (which for the record does not have as much of a ring to it) and Roddy Piper has survived fucking CANCER. Scott Hall has survived.well, being Scott Hall should be listed as a fatal illness itself. But I will give this to my personal favorite at the moment, Mae Young, for not only "entertaining" us all with the mental imagery of her riding Vince McMahon's Man-pole like some kind of old dusty inner tube (live with that image, I dare you), but she managed to do it all while outliving the Fabulous Moolah who seemed exceedingly less likely to die.
 
Gershon Levy: Well Moolah kicked the bucket this year so I would think Mae Young is close behind.  Then again, she’s looked like she’s been on the Grim Reaper’s VIP list for at least a decade.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: None of the above. Using the latest in statistical analysis, I have been able to find the correct answer to this question.

It is very simple. If 'X', is patterns of death within a particular wrestling stable, and 'Y', is the period between deaths, considering the intangible continuous upward slope of violence in each case, we see that...

X + Y = Perry Saturn, Virginia Tech in 2008.

Bet you can't wait for 2009, when Dean Malenko moves to Jonestown, eh?
 
British Bullfrog: Do we actually have any conclusive proof that Scott Hall is still alive? Cos I haven't heard much of him recently and I think in his case it's probably safer to assume the worst.
 
Sixth Child: Mae Young. If you asked me who would be the first to go out of Moolah and Mae, I would have put money on Ms (not so) Young. I mean, look at the facts. Firstly, Mae's older… by four months. Secondly… ah, I got nothing.
But seriously, thank you Moolah for your contribution to wrestling. Extra props for dying at an age that was more than the last two dead mainstream wrestlers combined. (40 (Benoit) + 43 (Crush) = 83. Moolah was 84.)
 
Anthony Dean: Geez, at her age, I'm surprised The Fab-..erm, I mean Sensational...no wait, not her either. Damnit, okay, with his intense style, I'm absolutely shocked that Chris Benoit has managed to...oh, what the hell. Maybe Marc Mero's morbid magically ever-changing list of dead wrestlers has more merit than initially thought. RIP Cpl. Kirschner!
In all seriousness, but not a whole lot, I'd say Lex Luger. He had a stroke, went into a coma, and was paralyzed into a quadriplegic state, yet he's still kicking! Figuratively, anyway. At this rate, he'll be back in the ring in no time! And don't tell me you wouldn't pop for his return in the new Lex Express as that blue MedRide van backing onto the top of the stage as a gruff old driver slowly lowers the ramp and carefully wheels the gurney down to the ring. It's destined for success. So long as he isn't booked in any stretcher matches.
 
Neil Cathan: Roddy Piper. Turns out that when he returned, all swelled and we all assumed he was just fat now. Not true. It was cancer making him look that. Not that the guy just had too many cheeseburgers. No sirree. Seriously though, I hope the guy gets better. We had too many wrestlers die in 2007. Far too many
 
Charley Martin: Damn, tough call. The only one who is alive that particularly surprises me is Jake Roberts, so I'll go with him. I mean, Lex probably isn't going to die from what happened unless he decides to hang up the ol' life himself, Mae Young is never going to die, and Scott Hall, as bad as he messed himself up, is somehow still in better shape than Jake, so yeah, we have a winner. And I think we can all be glad The Snake cheated death again this year. Good on ya, old bean. Got any cryptic wisdom for us?

Jake “The Snake” Roberts: My kidney's haven't worked 1993.

O.O; Umm... Jake Roberts everybody!

Winner: Jake “The Snake” Roberts

 
Matt Folger: The WWE is getting really tired of Mae Young, as was obvious when they said Vince ba-doned her at MOOLAH'S FUNERAL!! Good God!! My advice to Mae Young would be to start practicing her rolling over now, so it'll be easier to do when she gets in her grave, after the inevitable "Those stains in Mae Young's burial gown were from ME!! VINCENT Ah-KENNEDY MACMAHON!!!
 
Canadian Bacon: The Undertaker! He's already died like 8 times by my count! What a liability this guy is! Marc Mero keeps adding him to his list only to have to cross him out again. CONFUSING.
 
2)YER FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Best instance of a company giving some fuck-up his walking papers.
Nominees: Rikishi; Test; Chris Masters; Daniel Rodimer; Teddy Hart; Sabu; Rob Conway; Brooke; Cryme Tyme; Sylvain Grenier; Tatanka; CHRIS BENOIT (stricken from all records, baby).
 
Sean Carless: Chris Benoit has been released!...from our mortal coil. That said, I find perverse humor in all of the other nominees getting fired for varying reasons. But just to break up predictability, I'm going with Tatanka. If only because I picture Johnny Ace sending him his release rolled in a blanket laced with smallpox. Because, well, that was always a pretty efficient time-tested way of getting rid of unwanted Indians back in the day.
 
Derek Burgan: You have to admit that getting fired from TNA is something that not everyone can do, no matter how hard they try. With some of the worst writing and directing on television, I wasn’t sure anyone could ever get the axe down in Orlando. I hadn’t considered the man they call Test though. Here’s a guy who brings absolutely nothing to the table outside of his body and now he was in a business that was about to get scrutinized by Congress over the steroids issue. As Scooby Doo would say, “Ruh roh Shaggy!”
Justin Shapiro: Man, I'm all for an ironic, adroitly-executed Chris Benoit joke, but this one doesn't even make sense.  I abstain from voting in protest.
 
James Walker: While Rikishi has the best story this year, he fucked TNA, not the other way around. However, TNA did pull off one good canning; that being Test. Actually, Test has the unique distinction of being fired by both the WWE and TNA in the same calendar year! Credibility, y’all.
 
But honestly… Test was trained in the Dungeon, and is good friends with Bret Hart. He has the superstar look, and better-than-average skills for a big man. He’s had feuds with The Undertaker and Shane McMahon. He was a part of one of the biggest angles ever on WWE TV. He debuted along side Sting ina TNA PPV main event. He’s also fucked both Stacy Keibler and Kelly Kelly. Surely, he’d have made something of it. What’s that? He was a complete and utter failure? I’ll be damned.
 
The point is that Test was not, is not, and will never be over. Who knows what the problem is, but it doesn’t matter: the guy has even realized this, and retired. Well, considering all those horse steroids in his system, I’d assume he wants to become a stud. Not a bad life if you can get it… if you like fucking horses, that is. And I do!
 
Catherine Perez: Teddy Hart, the quintessential fuck-up. Teddy's slowly giving Marty Jannetty a run for his money in the "most chances from WWE Management" category. Plus, his departure ruined what could have been one of the biggest debuts of 2007 with the New Hart Foundation, who were rumored to be debuting at Survivor Series in an assault on Shawn Michaels. I wouldn't be surprised if they had sent Teddy's ass packing with the following statement: "See you in 12 months." When do we get to rename this category the Teddy Hart Award for Overachievement at Up-Fuckery?
 
Joe Merrick: I don’t quite think you can actually fire a dead person (out of a cannon maybe. Oh what glorious Saturday afternoons!) So Benoit is out. Probably going to have to go with Tatanka. Loved the dude as a kid, sure, but he and WWE just had to accept that he had literally NOTHING to contribute to anything besides excess cholesterol. Plus the mental image of him stood outside Vince’s office with a single tear going down his cheek is just too conveniently awesome.
 
Michael Melchor: Teddy Hart takes this one.  His second opportunity with WWE and he not gets fired again, but does so for the exact same reasons he got let go the first time.  It’s been said before and it’ll be said again – there ain’t much you can tell someone with two black eyes; you done told their ass twice.
 
Cameron Burge: Ok, NOW I can say Chris Benoit. Nothing quite says "You're fired" like having your very existence wiped from history like that time Triple H lost to the Ultimate Warrior. Don't remember that? Exactly. Still, it's funny to read that according to the new box description on WWE.com, Triple H defended his title against Shawn Michaels at that Wrestlemania with no third party mentioned at all. This leads me to believe that the entire match has probably had Benoit spliced over with Triple H reaction shots in places, A la Futurama's All My Circuits. http://imageigloo.com/images/8656triple%20H.jpg 
 
Gershon Levy: Going with Sabu since he phoned it in so much this year on ECW, that I think he’s the leading stockholder for Verizon.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Gotta be Test, the only man fired because he LOOKED like he was on steroids and other drugs.

Agent 1:- Well, we fired Test.

Agent 2:- Yeah... why?

Agent 1:- Well, we got a feeling that he was abusing the old horse tranq's.

Agent 2:- Wow. What makes you think that.

Agent 1:- Simple. The guy looks like a fucking horse.
 
British Bullfrog: Whatever happened to Chris Benoit? I mean one minute he was a major superstar and the next he's completely disappeared. Maybe he'd just taken too much, or perhaps he felt smothered by the pressures of the job. He was a killer wrestler, though.
 
Sixth Child: I'm gonna have to say Chris Masters for the sole fact he was stupid enough to fail WWE's drugs policy, which is looser than Paris Hilton… 's moral values.
 
Anthony Dean: Rikishi. He comes into TNA, is somehow over like a mother fucker, is teamed with fucking Joe, cleanly pins one of their top guys in Christian, and looks to have a bright future in losing to Kurt Angle and then being delegated to Rhyno status, but what does the Wesley Snipes of Samoans do? Walk out on TNA the night he's supposed to lose to Christian in a rematch in some irrelevant tournament or another and bitch about not being paid enough. When you pay your dues like Pacman has, THEN you ask for a raise, Kish!
 
Neil Cathan: Test gets fired from each big company. In one year. Now that's just impressive. I hope he follows this act by staying totally out of wrestling for the whole of next year. At least. Post originally writing this, my wish comes true. Awesome, thanks Santa.
 
Charley Martin: Lets run it down. Anonymous Brooke isn't even important enough to register. Sabu wasn't a fuck up. Tatanka?!?! Blasphemy, I say!!! Cryme Tyme, despite despicable grammar and likable felony, shouldn't have been fyred. Rob Conway was a jobber. I still don't know who Rodimer was. I actually liked Test. Chris Masters needed juice to stay big. Meh. Benoit is starting to show signs of not being completely shunned. That leaves Super Ted and Rikishi. Hrm... I don't know exactly what Teddy Hart did to get fired but the (even more than ever!) bloated remnants of Rikishi demanded more money without doing anything to deserve it. And while I'm a proponent of doing as little as possible, I don't ask for more money for it. So...

Winner: Rikishi

 
Matt Folger: Wasn't it fun watching Chris Masters this past year? Remember the time he....no, wait, that was Charlie Haas. Or the time he....shit, not that either! Uh, in order to "FIIIIIIRRRRRE" someone, didn't they have to actually...I don't know...DO SHIT?!?
 
Canadian Bacon: The Masturpiece Chris Masters! If only he had the good sense to put something in the arena in the inescapable MASTERLOCK, he'd still be there! Because no one woulda been able to break it and out of frustration they'd have to keep him around!!!!!


3)POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR. Backstage maneuvering should be rewarded in year-end awards, just like it's rewarded in real life.
Nominees: HHH; JBL; Hardcore Holly; Kurt Angle; John Lauanaitis; 
 
Sean Carless: Triple H. Not since the wonderful world of porn, has one mustachioed man stood so triumphant over two people laid-out at a time, back-arched, and arms raised high above their heads in jowl-shaking near-orgasmic bliss. Hell, there's even a lot of needless spitting involved in BOTH their performances. I don't remember where I was going with this.
 
Derek Burgan: I can’t give this award out to one person after watching the entire year of TNA. I think it has to be split into three so that Dutch Mantell, Vince Russo, and Jeff Jarrett can each claim a split of the prize. How these three have convinced TNA management that their ideas are good and that the company should continue on the track it is on just defies belief. They are the true salesmen of the 21st century.
 
Justin Shapiro: Henry Waxman, eh?  (Deep.)
 
James Walker: You know, I thought we were beyond this. I thought the dark ages were over. After the impossibly long title reigns, and the complete burial of everyone in his path, HHH quieted down the last couple of years. Hunter started to lose once in a while, people started to get put over, and magically,  the WWE had some new stars! It’s such a novel idea, I know.
 
However, this year, Hunter was up to the same old tricks… and he only was active for half the year! He’s buried King Booker, Umaga, Cade & Murdoch, London & Kendrick, and arguably Randy Orton. Granted, Booker was on his way out, but to me, it looked like Booker was willing to stay if the WWE played ball. Instead, they fed Hunter’s poor deprived ego, and allowed him to CONQUER THE WORLD. That water doesn’t spit itself, you know.
 
However, there’s ONE thing that pushes Hunter over all the rest. At No Mercy, Hunter people Orton cleanly for the title, defended it against Umaga, and while he did lose it to Orton… the fucker found the time to put his damn name on the title! I mean, if that doesn’t scream vanity, I don’t know what does. (Aside from a person screaming “VANITY!!”)
 
Catherine Perez: Sure, I could take the easy route and name Trips, but there's just no way I could live with myself if I didn't pick Kurt Angle. This is a guy who, in his first year with TNA, was using his stroke as ZOMG TNA'S BIGGEST STAR TO DATE to try to bring some of his friends to the company, like Brock Lesnar and Vito. Vito? Vito. He did, however, also use his backstage power to push for more clean finishes in TNA matches. Hey~! I like clean finishes! Any guy who uses his stroke for good is the Politician of the Year in my book. What? What do you mean TNA still has more run-ins than clean finishes?!
 
Joe Merrick: : HHH.
Creative: So, No Mercy. Let’s run it down once more. Orton is to be handed the title, and then-
HHH: Hey guys!
Creative: Oh hey Hun-…What’s that?
HHH: Oh, it’s the title.
Creative: Well what are you doing with it?
HHH: I just won it from Orton.
Creative: I…we….you’re scheduled to face Umaga. What were you thin-
HHH: MY BELT NUH.
Creative: …
HHH: Alright, I’ll give it back. But not till later.
Creative: Well, I guess, um, we’ll just run with it.
 
Michael Melchor: Kurt Angle.  Not since Triple-H in 2000 did one man dominate a show like Angle did Impact this year.  Although, if he were as good as this would indicate, Jeff Jarrett and Dutch “Hey, it drew 60,000 people in Puerto Rico, it HAS to work here” Mantell would have been kicked off of the creative team and Impact might be a watchable show.
 
Cameron Burge: I always heard John Lauanaitis' version of backstage maneuvering required knowledge of the Kama Sutra, but I digress. I would like to give this reward to Hardcore Holly for managing to not only continue to make the new boys look like chumps (Not that Cody Rhodes needed the help at that), but also weaseling his way in to a tag team title. I'd like to give him the award, but I won't. Because the true winner here is Triple H and his ravenous appetite for the tag team division. Kendrick and London are still feeling the sting in their asses after the butt raping they received from the game after they team up with him! There's gratitude for you. Next time you and a buddy team up on Xbox Live at Halo, immediately after the match, kick him in the balls, shove his head in your crotch and plant him in the floor. See how that turns out. Rumor has it, Trips plans to be in the main event of this Wrestlemania because as we all know, we don't feel like seeing anything different. Ever.
 
Gershon Levy: Hardcore Holly because no matter what he does or what diseases he is stricken with, he still comes back with a push.  Isn’t whatever it was he was diagnosed with contagious?  If it isn’t, can someone please infect him with something that is?
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Kurt Angle. I mean the guy goes on Radio and reveals that his WIFE was into a bit of 'backstage maneuvering', if you know what I mean. (If you don't, go join the Wrestlecrap forums). And to be fair, anybody who has fucked Karen Angle in the ass deserves some kind of reward.
 
British Bullfrog: Triple H? A Backstage politician? You'll be saying that John Cena has a limited list of moves next.
 
Sixth Child: Where the fuck does JBL get off swanning into the ring anytime he sees fit? It's not bad enough that he practically chews my ears off while I watch Smackdown, now I have to watch his Fox News-style interviews every second week and pay money to see him fuck up a perfectly good main event at Armageddon? Make up your mind, Jibble.
 
Anthony Dean: I'm not sure if this really counts, but Vickie Guerrero. Who did THAT bitch blow to get her spot? Oh, right...
 
Neil Cathan: Triple H, who murdered Booker T on his return to the point where he left the company into my PPV land (Thank you Booker!), gets his next reign to compete with Flair and digs a big ol' hole for all the tag teams and exciting midcarders. Also Randy Orton, but I don't care if he gets buried.
 
Charley Martin: Well, Kurt Angle actually likes putting young guys over from what I've heard, so he's out. Three H's sabatoge a Y2J... but JBL got himself a main event feud after spending a year+ as a commentator. Taz(z), whatever JBL did to do that, do the exact same thing... Immediately.

Winner: JBL

 
Matt Folger: You can't really blame TNA for Kurt Angle. It was the biggest thing to happen there since the first Ultimate X match! "YES!! MIKE, THEY'RE GONNA RESTART THE MATCH!! YES, AGAIN!!" And Holly couldn't manuever a sprakplug! No, there's only one man who can rightfully take this award. And I mean TAKE it. He called me up and convinced me that the other four guys couldn't work main event style! Here's to you, Trips! We'll no doubt see you next year after you win your engraved title back!
 
Canadian Bacon: Vince McMahon. I hate the way that guy walks around like he owns the place.


4)STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE: (wrestler who's gained the most weight)
Nominees:,Big Daddy V (I don't know if already being fat counts?), Mark Henry (See V); Gangrel; Jim Neidhart; Brother Ray; Tazz; Kane, whoever found the weight Triple H lost;
 
Sean Carless: Jim Neidhart. The *real* reason Bret wasn't at RAW XV. They were originally going to appear as a duo, but Jim got hungry (and forgot his manners) on the car ride over. All I know is, I hope this guy has the *actual* Heart Foundation on speed-dial. That's all I'm saying. Poor Jim Neidhart. Maybe he's graduated from stealing neighbor's jewelry, to just cleaning out their fridges? I don't know.
 
Derek Burgan: I’m going to go outside the box on this one and nominate indy referee Sean Hanson. Once one of the scrawniest men in the business, Hanson has clearly been eating his $4 slices of pizza at the high school gym shows as I was able to catch a glimpse of him on RF Video’s Lost Treasures DVD . Bully for him for getting the advantage over that anorexia disease!
 
Justin Shapiro: I'm not sure that Big Daddy V actually gained any more weight, but he eschewed his garbage bag singlet and started showin' it off, leaving nothing to the imagination.  The emergence of V's 2.5 boobs has to make him the standout regardless of the lbs differential.
 
James Walker: I gotta go with Jim Neidhart. I love Anvil as much as the next Canadian, but I’ll be damned, that guy must have been hiding a ham or two in his goatee. I mean, I know Jim’s always had the problem of living in Bret’s shadow, but he didn’t have to eat him. Though, that seems like the only way that Bret will ever appear on WWE TV – in Jim Neidhart’s stomach. Sigh.
 
But seriously, where did he find all this weight? Maybe the robbery rumours are true, and he’s actually the hamburglar? I don’t know.
 
Catherine Perez: Honestly, Big Daddy V and Mark Henry should be disqualified from this category for life. If anyone should be getting "Oink! Oink! Oink!" chanted at him, it's Jim Neidhart. Neidhart showed up to Raw's 15th Anniversary looking like he ate the New Hart Foundation with a side of Mongolian beef. Good God almighty.
 
Joe Merrick: Gangrel must be going for a ‘Vampire Ron Jeremy’ look given his new profession. And you do not want to know what he fills the old ‘bloodbath’ with these days.
 
Michael Melchor: This may seem an odd choice, but I think anyone who saw Summer Slam 2007 not only wishes they didn’t, but also saw the weight that Rey Mysterio gained during his time out and may think about giving him the nod for this one like I am.  For the first half of the match, I kept wondering why the guy in silver wasn’t being arrested for eating Rey Mysterio.
 
Cameron Burge: Big Daddy V. I swear to God, I don't think he's as fat as he appears to be. I think that extra pair of flopping man tits belong to an unborn twin that has previously gone undiagnosed. Even more likely, they're actually the breasts of Shelton Benjamin's suddenly Mama who suddenly disappeared quite some time ago, probably sucked into the vacuum in between Viscera's flab during an excursion through the Raw locker room. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth right now, actually. Whatever the case, for God's sake could somebody please tell him to stop beating his chest like King Kong?! According to the Butter Effect, every time he does, 20,000 people die in China from massive earthquakes.
 
Gershon Levy: Well Big Titty V before his move to ECW at least wore something.  But seeing what he is really made of made me lose my lunch (and breakfast and dinner and dessert and midnight snack) on way too many occasions.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Shitty nominations again. It has to be Victoria, surely. I mean, she gained about 200 pounds of crap when she was put into a gimmick with Kenny Dykstra.
 
British Bullfrog: Kane seems to have gone from Killing Machine to Grilling Machine since his debut ten years ago. Maybe the reason he doesn't use his control over fire to thwart his rivals so much any more is he's using it all up flash frying cheese and bacon.
 
Sixth Child: Isn't it ironic that a member of the Hart Foundation is the most likely to keel over any minute from a heart attack? My God, Jim Neidhart. No wonder he got busted for burglary. You're supposed to climb through windows, not get stuck in the double garage door.
 
Anthony Dean: Big Daddy V. I know the dude was always 500 pounds, but I had no idea just how disgusting 500 pounds really was until Viscera was drafted to ECW sans shirt.
 
Neil Cathan: Big Titty V. I don't know if it's just more noticeable now, but by god, it's hideous. He's more disturbing than the thing I did to your mom last night. And man, that was just twisted. Your mom's weird.
 
Charley Martin: Gangrel looked to be back at fighting weight for the Lower Midcard Battle Royale at RAW XV. Anvil... not so much. Brother Ray has ballooned up into a giant sized chibi. Big Daddy V... took his shirt off. We have a winner!

Winner: Big Daddy V

 
Matt Folger: JOHNNY ACE: "No no no! I said I wanted VICTORIA to get bigger knockers, not VISCERA! Well, I'm not letting these go to waste. Display them prominently every week on TV! Oh, and tell Kelly Kelly she left her scrunchie collection in my night stand. They're right next to the Adavant, you can't miss 'em!"
 
Canadian Bacon: Brother Ray! There's a reason why there's a reason why no one's seen Dances with Dudley and Sign Guy in YEARS. He's got himself a bigtime voracious appetite and such, and now adays he gets brown brother Devon to GET THE TABLES likely so he can lay out a delectable feast on them! TRUTH! His goal in 2008 is to eat so much they have to rename themselves Team 4D!!!!! I promise!  


5)PUSH THAT MAN!......INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC: (for wrestler who is least deserving of a Push.)
Nominees: The Great Khali; Kevin Nash; Batista; The Miz; Biscuits n Gravy; Randy Orton; Mark Henry; Big Daddy V; Chuck Palumbo; Kelly Kelly; Black Reign; Scott Steiner; Snitsky; "Bobby Lindsay"; Deuce & Domino; Candice Michelle;
 
Sean Carless: I'd push Kelly Kelly. Or at least something in her. Ya. My official choice though is Bobby Lashley. Captain Charismaless. It's true. And just the other day, I put that theory to the test. I picked Bobby on career mode on SD vs. RAW 2008, and when I tried to raise his charisma rankings, my XBox just started laughing at me and said "good fucking luck". Strange.
 
Derek Burgan: Has this award been renamed the Dustin Rhodes Memorial Award yet? If not, it should be. In TNA he now has TWO characters that aren’t getting over!
 
Justin Shapiro: Man, Snitsky spent this entire year hauntingly saying his name and squashing Highlanders, huh?  I guess I'd vote for him over Horn Swoggle because at least Horn Swoggle is good at what he does (which is: horrible things).
 
James Walker: Of all these people on this list, everyone has done something I’ve appreciated at one point in time… aside from one. Deuce & Domino, to me, are the perfect example of why gimmicks don’t make the wrestler. It’s well and good to have a unique personality, but if you’re greener than The Incredible Hulk on a rocky boat, you’re not going to get far. They may have the gimmick down, but once they’re forced to actually wrestle, have you noticed how incredibly boring they are? Actually, you probably haven’t, because most people fall asleep or change the channel. The problem is simply that these two are about as charismatic as a dirty masturbation sock. And trust me, my mom tells me that those are not cool at all when she does my laundry.
 
Catherine Perez: While Black Reign and his fat chins need to get the fuck off my TV NOW, I'm giving this one to Snitsky. Here's a guy who's spent a good part of 2007 wrestling squash matches... and not much else. Is there any reason why we all shouldn't be bored of the guy? As far as his push goes, what exactly did he do to deserve it? So he's big and scary - big deal. Damian Demento was big and scary too, but that never meant he was worth a rat's ass. Hell, Great Khali at least as Punjabi Translator Guy for all of us to point and laugh at; Snitsky's just got big, disgusting, Country Crock teeth and a back full of inverted craters, and, come to think of it, that's scarier than any gimmick Snitsky will ever have.
 
Joe Merrick: I will have to defend Lashley slightly for just a moment, and say the dude isn’t terrible, he IS talented, and shouldn’t be denied a push because of his lack of charisma. He should be denied it because he’s black All he needs is a manager.
 
As for my vote, it goes to Big Daddy V, simply because the dude is still very, very obviously King fucking Mabel, hasn’t been all that consistent for, what, like 10 years now, and has been given the kind of cheap-ass rejuvenation that most Hollywood producers give to Japanese horror movies.
 
Michael Melchor: The Great Khali wins this for being the singlemost useless wrestler ever to win the World Heavyweight Championship.  And no, Rey Mysterio doesn’t count.  I said heavy weight.
 
Cameron Burge: Oh so many great choices. I could go the route my heart wants and rant about Randy Orton, but that's most because I have to see his generically hossy ass every Monday. On the other hand, Big Daddy V ravaged ECW for seemingly no reason after jobbing to everyone and his dog on Raw, but then, defeating the like, five guys on ECW over and over isn't really much of a push in actuality. No, I think I'll hand this one to Kelly Kelly. What. The. Fuck. It's bad enough that she pops up on Raw once every blue moon, but she looks like a little fucking girl. I wouldn't be surprised if Pedobear ran around the fucking ring whenever she comes out. http://imageigloo.com/images/4571kelly.JPG Worse yet, she someone got a spot in the latest Smackdown vs. Raw game despite having only wrestled one person ever in an actual match, while Victoria doesn't even make the game!
 
Gershon Levy: Going with the guy who when I saw he won a title made my stomach turn the same way as when I eat Indian food, Great Khali.  Thankfully it was a short reign but for a guy whose finishing move i s the Indian Brain Masher (I crush your head!) it’s kind of sickening to see him with a belt.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Snitsky. Definitely Snitsky. Because if yellow teeth and spots are cause for a push, about 80% of the British population should be shouting, 'It wasn't my fault!'.
 
British Bullfrog: How many times are the E going to ram Orton down our throats before they realize he Just. Isn't. Good. Enough.
 
Sixth Child: My God, how about 75 per cent of those currently holding a WWE belt? But I have to go with the Great Khali. As I said earlier this year, he has ONE THING going for him – he's TALL! Is that really all it takes to become the next WWE champion?

VINCE: Looks like we'll have to crown a new champion. See what Houston wants for Yao Ming.

COACH: Uhhh, he's a basketball player.

VINCE: He'll play what I tell him to play… (sinisterly) for I AM THE CHAIRMAN OF WWE!
 
Anthony Dean: Snitsky. After losing every match for three years straight, people aren't going to accept you as a credible guy because you stop brushing your teeth and no longer use your first name.
 
Neil Cathan: Kevin Nash. An elderly guy who could never work when he was young, and hasn't been over for 5 years, is main event material to one Vince Russo. Note to Russo: Nostalgia only draws if we ever cared about the guy.
 
Charley Martin: This comes down to a hot chick that lil Vince wants to make the top diva and a skeezy, bacne scarred, bald, eyebrowless, no longer muscular freak. Eh, I gotta go with the hot chick on this one. As unpleasant on the eyes as Snitsky is, Kelly Kelly's in ring ability is just as painful to look at. At least Snitsky won't likely kill anybody on his way up the ladder. He may bury a cruiserweight or Carlito or two, but K-2 is gonna break somebody's neck if she doesn't get a whole helluva lot more training. You might as well start allowing all those moves that made the cruiserweights more than just jobbers (and non-pizza/final resting place-involving piledrivers too) again if you're going to let KKBB wrestle. No way trained and experienced professionals flippy-dipping onto each other or even dropping dudes on their heads are more dangerous than a Kelly Kelly headscissors at this point. Hmm... I think I just gave away my vote for another award (or two) with that rant. And I'm not even Swedish.

Winner: Kelly Kelly

 
Matt Folger: I'm giving this award to The Worlds STRONGEST Man. That's right, I'm giving it to ARTIE!!
 
Canadian Bacon: No one. That's right, I'm sticking to my same story.  I've said it every year and I'll say it again, you NEVER push a wrestler. NEVER. That's foolish. They have muscles and know how to do lethal maneuvers like the feared and respected BACKBODY DROP (invented by Sylvester Backbody in 1936 in Bolivia ) and I don't want none of that!!!11 (There is no known counter besides not running toward bent over people and then hurling yourself in the air). END OF DISCUSSION.


6)LT. WORF COMMEMORATIVE "CLING-ON" AWARD: (for the wrestler who has stayed employed through all odds.)
Nominees: STEVEN RICHARDS.  Khali; Kevin Thorn; Tommy Dreamer; The Miz; Kelly Kelly; Layla; Hardcore Holly; Balls Mahoney; Shannon Moore; Kennedy..... Kennedy; Randy Orton; Nunzio; Funaki; Carlito; Val Venis; Carlito; Mike Knox; Charlie Haas;
 
Sean Carless: STEVEN RICHARDS. He showed us again. We saw. And as such, I have decided that as of RIGHT NOW, this Award will be renamed the Steven Richards Commemorative Award For Not Getting Fired, Thus Showing Us, We'll See. And not just because he emailed me last year demanding an actual physical plaque for his achievements. Although, that's actually the reason...
 
Dear Sean,
        I was just curious to see if I won the 2006 Fanny Award that I
was nominated for and, if so, when do I receive my plaque. Take care
and best of luck in your future endeavors.
 

Stevie Richards
2006 Nominee
LT. WORF COMMEMORATIVE "CLING-ON" AWARD.
 
My reply?
 
Of course you won! You don't remember posing with the plaque? Just look at how pleased you were to receive such a prestigious honor!:
 
All kidding aside, thanks for being a good sport about the whole thing. And thanks for not threatening to kill me with a flurry o' wrestling action like one The Ultimate Warrior and his Warrior Staff. He threatened to do me in about two years ago, and by my count (since I figured he started running from Scottsdale that day) I expect that he should arrive any second. I've taught myself the art of ducking clotheslines as a precaution though, and removed anything that could be misconstrued as ropes from my home (Like I need to give him any advantages...).
 
Anyway, best of luck on everything. It's my hope that you win the award every year for eternity, because that'll mean you'll always be around. And oh ya, maybe put in a word to WWE.com about getting some more pictures of you on your profile. We are sadly lacking in Stevie Richards photoshops here. Perhaps WWE could take some of the bandwidth they used for the some forty extreme close-ups of Teddy Long pointing and yelling, and maybe add 5 or 6 more shots of you? It'd be nice.
 
In closing, I'd wish you well in all future endeavors also, but that's probably not the best idea. Oh, and if you hear Johnny Ace rolling down the hall on his skateboard, maybe put on one of those nose and glasses disguises. Just to be safe ;)
 
Thanks for your email, Stevie.
We'll always be big fans here.
 
Sean Carless.
 
Derek Burgan: Steven Richards should really be up for a lifetime achievement award by this point. How many people on the current roster have actually been there longer than him? Triple H? The Undertaker? Anyone else? Simply amazing. Especially since after his runs in ECW and WCW, you’d think he’d be the last guy to earn tenure with any company.
 
Justin Shapiro: "One more year for Steven Richards and you have to name the award after him." - 2006!  Hooray!!!
Stevie remains an inspiration, and thank god he was around this year, not just to move all the way up the depth chart to #3 ranking "ECW Original" under contract, but also so that he could engage in this seminal moment with Tommy Dreamer: "Oh come on, Stevie."  "'Come on'?  You're gonna 'come on' me?"
 
James Walker: Let’s go over what Funaki has against him:
- Hasn’t had a feud since his short-lived Cruiserweight title reign
- Hasn’t done anything original since “SMACKDAN NUMBAH ONE ANNOUNCA”
- GOD DAMN STEROIDS
 
Come on. After the Benoit stuff, the WWE was not seen positively in the media. Then the signature pharmacy stuff came out, and to the legitmate shock of everyone, FUNAKI was pegged on the list. Now, honestly, I can understand why other guys like Kennedy and DAVE weren’t canned. Somehow, they make the company money. But really, what loss would Funaki represent? The WWE had nothing to lose by canning him, yet, they didn’t.
 
The only plausible reason is that, like all other asian people ever, Funaki is a ninja. Seen when wanted to be seen, unseen at all other times. And when Johnny Ace came looking backstage for once-over wrestler strangled by a cartoony gimmick that had problems with drugs, Funaki quickly replaced himself with Nick Dinsmore. All Asians are retarded anyways, am I rite?
 
Catherine Perez: We all know Stevie deserves a Lifetime Achievement award in this category. I'm giving the Cling-On honors to Hardcore Holly. This guy's had just about every career-ending injury known to man. I can just see the guy stumbling around backstage, dramatically clutching his chest and yelling "Oooh, it's the big one! You hear that Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you, honey!" Yet, he somehow bounces back and bores us to the very last tear every time. I don't get it. Please, Bob, I implore you... fuck off.
 
Joe Merrick: Randy Orton. The dude could get away with MURDER and be punished with a loss by DQ. I imagine this is how he was treated at school. When he bullied some poor kid, the teacher would order young mischievous Randall to lie on the floor for 3 seconds as his poor victim covered him. Randy would then go on to tear the shit out of the classroom.
Can I give special mention to Steven Richards, if only so he may send a desperate soul such as I a blessed email? That would be swell. And arousing.
 
Michael Melchor: Oh. Come on – Ken Kennedy gets this hands down.  This guy openly denies using steroids while tearing his critics a new ass only to be busted ordering steroids online and he’s still employed? THAT, ladies and gents, takes the term “job security” to a whole new level.
 
Cameron Burge: I'd first like to mention that on this list should have been Marcus Corvon who, not only did he manage to stay employed for quite a while, even though he was having a "Family Emergency" and we all know how well that worked out the last time someone in ECW had one of those (right now police are investigating into how a small child seemed to have ended up getting shoulder blocked out of a second story window), but he managed to still make it into Smackdown vs. Raw 08. While it's amazing that all of these guys have managed to make it another year by clinging onto their contracts like life preservers while other wrestlers jumped ship to main event in TNA for two weeks (even though in the case of Khali I think he safely has a job until his giant hulking mass shrinks into a small pudgy midget in which case he'd probably just become Hornswoggle's long lost twin or some bullshit), I think this award belongs to Stevie Richards. Not only had most of us forgotten he existed, let alone that he was on ECW, but he got a mild push over one fifth of the ECW roster (Read: Kevin Thorn). Stevie sure showed us, we saw, but then just as quickly faded back into obscurity, paycheck in hand. Way to go Stevie.
 
Gershon Levy: Again giving it a tie between all of the ECW Originals even though at this point they are pretty much all jobbers.  I guess money is better than dignity.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: I refuse to give this award to guys like Steven Richards or Val because, hell, it isn't against the odds if you are actually TALENTED, is it. So I'm gonna give it to Mike Knox, because I didn't even know he was still on the payroll.
 
British Bullfrog: Isn't it about time we changed this category's name to the Steven Richards Award?
 
Sixth Child: Mark Henry. The guy was signed on for a record ten-year contract in 1996 which Vince tried like crazy to get him to drop, and at the end of it all he hands him the pen again. Amazing.
Special mentions go to Ron Simmons, who officially has the easiest job in the world, and Big Daddy V, the man with a bigger bust than the DEA on a good week. Vis is hired and let go once every three years, and each time he comes back with a more ridiculous gimmick. He went from a purple rapping King to a token black Ministry groupie to a pyjama clad "love machine" to a 1950s circus strongman in serious need of a bra or twelve.
 
Anthony Dean: Mike Knox. Jesus Christ
 
Neil Cathan: Randy Orton. Guy makes about a hundred wellness violations, spends time in rehab, kills the legend of Holiday Inn, and not only keeps his job, but gets a title out of it.
 
Charley Martin: Mike Knox. There is nothing funny to say about him. It's just Mike Knox.

Winner: Funaki (SWERVE~! You're right Russo, this IS fun!)

Matt Folger: I promise you that each one of these guys has a video of someone fucking someone while someone watches and murders a farm animal (government mule, perhaps?). That or they overheard Vince say "I'm tellin' ya' Chris, she's a bitch! If I were you, I wouldn't stand for it! Go get 'em, Wolverine!"

 
Canadian Bacon:  the Triple H! Man, who's that guy screwing? You'd think Vince would just fire this guy for all the times he's made tasteless jokes about him loving giant gay hilarious gay cartoon roosters and mistaking people like 400 pound, bald, bearded Bastion Booger's for women thus also calling him gay again! That's a tremendous amount of gayness. Good thing it's so amazingly funny and such because most jokes like that'd prolly get run into the ground pretty easy! Lucky for him!


7)I WOULDN'T KICK HER OFF MY FACE (Most fuckable woman in wrestling)
Nominees: Anyone you'd plow.
 
Sean Carless: It's a real toss up for me. A LOT OF TOSSING. And boy have I. Several times. While writing this. So, ya, my heart, and quite frankly where all the blood would be subsequently relocated, is saying either Mickie James or Maria here; the latter of which may be posing in Playboy soon! Man, I think I just threw up in my pants a little bit. Or maybe I just wanted to use that liner and felt this the apropos time. Whatever. All I know is, it'd take many a man to pull me out of EITHER of these women. And by proxy, the first to do so would be named the new King of England. That's how these things work. I don't make the rules.
 
Derek Burgan: I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I bought a lifetime subscription to PlayBoy after just hearing a rumor that Maria may be in it.
 
Justin Shapiro: Mickie James and Maria are both really objectively good-looking, but seriously now, what are we, FHM?
 
James Walker: Once again, I give this award to Maria. The reason she earned it this year is for one reason, and one reason alone. Remember when Santino MArella got beer-bathed? Well, you might recall, Maria was there too. Do you remember what she was wearing? A god damned blue cocktail dress barely hanging on to her chesticles. Now, just think about this.
 
Two-sided tit tape + high velocity liquid = ___________
 
Amazingly, there were no visible nip-slips… but the girl had the balls to go out there and give it a shot. If I recall, she was also in fucking stilettos.
 
Any gal willing to be soaked in beer while in clubbing clothes is hot, and don’t you try to deny it.
 
Catherine Perez: Chris Jericho. That dude's so pretty that I'm sure he was born Christine Irvine. HA! You thought I would uncomfortably vote for a woman, didn't you? Okay, okay. I'll give this one to Daffney. Remember Daffney? I love Daffney lots... not like that, though.
 
Joe Merrick: Anvil’s Girlfriend. Seriously though, can I be the first to request an actual physical demonstration displaying someone KICKING A GIRL OFF THEIR FACE? That would be slightly more arousing than the Stevie-mail.
 
Michael Melchor: I have to go with Beth Phoenix.  What can I say?  I likes the big bitches.  Hell, I even liked Chyna before the numerous surgeries.
 
Cameron Burge: Is it too late to pick All of the Above? I guess if I had to pick, Melina would get piped right the fuck down (no this does not involve a lead pipe). I could say more about what I'd like to do to her, but then none of you would be able to finish reading this article after your souls had been so mortally offended that you're forced to fling yourselves from the nearest window. Thankfully, it would be even less awkward now that Johnny Nitrorison wouldn't be staring at us the whole time. Fucking pervert.
 
Gershon Levy: Why change?  I still would give Mickie James a stiff pole to ride anytime.  There wasn’t anyone new this year really, so going with the reliable.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: What I love about this is that all these fat, slovenly TWF staffers who have had sex twice in their entire lives, (in fairness, they were two DIFFERENT varieties of fruit), get to be PICKY about which fucking Diva's they would, or wouldn't, fuck. Hell, if The Amazing Kong asked me if I wanted a blowie, I'd tell her to chow on down. Fat women give tremendous blowjobs. Maria would get it though. Oh hell yes.
 
British Bullfrog: Gail Kim. No jokes here, just shooting from the heart.
 
Sixth Child: While I bitch about how WWE's women's division is completely devoid of wrestling talent, it's the total opposite in terms of looks. Seriously, you're expecting me to pick one? This is worse than the time I had to choose between a long memory and a long penis. I forget what I ended up going with.
I've narrowed the field down to Candice Michelle, Krystal, Layla, Lillian Garcia, Maria, Maryse, Melina, Mickie James, Torrie and Victoria. From here I'll pick a name out of a hat. Seriously, I'm easy. And I hope they are too, otherwise I have no chance.
 
Anthony Dean: Whoever won the Diva Search. As is tradition, you know she'll be an overpushed Playboy model by the end of next year, but damnit, a Playboy model is a Playboy model, and I need me some bragging rights. Cause that one time with the girl with Down's Syndrome in the back of the library didn't get me to second base with any girl I told about that.
 
Neil Cathan: Hell, I'm not picky. I'd give any of them a "you on my pole" match. Particularly Melina though.
 
Charley Martin: For TNA, it's Gail Kim. For WWE, Victoria. How to decide. Lets see, Gail had a streak of wins over Victoria when she was stripped of her uniqueness after winning the WWE Women's Champion as a face back in the day. Good enough for me.

GK is the most fuckable, and more importantly, quite possibly most talented too. I dunno about anyone else, but skill = sexy for me. Otherwise still basically a rookie as far as wrestling goes Michelle McCool would've been in the conversation. And while she is by no means bad or without promise, there's something to be said for experience and ability. Victoria and Gail have that in spades. That means they have a lot.

Winner: Gail Kim

 
Matt Folger: What is Catherine gonna do for this one? Anyway, Mickie James is quite simply the only one I'd wanna fuck. And not because I think she's the hottest, but I think I could have a shot at her. Hell, she was fucking Kenny Dykstra for fuck's sake! FUCK!
 
Canadian Bacon: I'd have to kick them all off my face! Come on! That's what I use to breathe my air. ANARCHY!


8)EVEN WE WOULDN'T HIT IT. (Who was the most unattractive woman of the year?)
Nominees: Anyone you wouldn't.
 
Sean Carless: I know there's the obvious choices here, but quite frankly, I'm man enough to admit that there's nary a woman on this earth that I wouldn't ravage. I'm sick like that. And I have a plethora of Ex's that read like a before and after poster for the make-up effects from Dawn of the Dead to back it up. I mean, Amazing Kong? THEY HAVE TO CALL HER AMAZING FOR A REASON. Maybe I'll find out! And really, what's so bad about Vickie Guerrero? Sure, she has a little 'junk in the trunk', with some perhaps even spilling over thus necessitating it being moved to series of small woven wicker baskets; but anyone married to Eddie, a stickler for WORKRATE, HAS to have that translate to the bedroom. I mean, come on. I've always wanted to get out of bed post-coital-lust with a ROLL OF THE HIPS, before subsequently running away into the night never to be heard from again, and well, I know Vickie would appreciate it and take it as the proper homage it is. Hell, I could probably even steal some valuables from her home as well, and not have her bat an eye. Eddie would have wanted it that way.
 
Derek Burgan: Is saying Awesome Kong racist, or fatist?
 
Justin Shapiro: There was no more disgusting moment this year, other than many others, than back in September when Melina cowered in terror at the threat of the sheer power of BIG BAD STEPH'S BIG BAD SLAP.
 
James Walker: I wouldn’t hit any women in wrestling. I wouldn’t hit any woman! Violence against women is wrong.
 

 
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAA.
 
But seriously, I wouldn’t have sex with Nancy Benoit. Ok… I shouldn’t say “wouldn’t”… more like “can’t”. Fuck you, cremation.
 
Catherine Perez: Ashley. Candice. Layla. Brooke. Kelly Squared. Vickie. All the Diva Search girls. Get them all off my screen before it catches a disgusting disease that I can't wipe off with Windex.
 
Joe Merrick: Vickie Guerrero. Oh yeah, I’d throw on in her alright. A fucking hand grenade. Way too many risks attached that are totally not worth it (Besides the whole, her looking like a leather goat thing) For one she’d almost and not-subtly-at-all call you ‘Eddie’ during, not to mention she’ll most likely leave you with some ‘Latino Heat’ that all the cream in the world won’t banish from the balls, or so my local doctor says. He also says crack is good for you, which is kind of strange I guess, but not as strange as his office being a back alley. Huh.
Anyways. The biggest risk, of course, is 9 months down the line some random Mexican dude in a mask will be all up in your grill about being the real father of his kid, despite the fact that you’ve not in reality fucked his wife, coherent storylines be damned. Oh, lets not forget, even in death, some douche in tights with huge thighs will condemn you to Hell.
 
Michael Melchor: This just in: Melina still looks like a grade-A cumdumpster who’s on the CDC’s speed-dial list.  That is all.
 
Cameron Burge: Even though Maria has of late traded her bubble head gear for outfits that more resemble Gutter Slut Barbie, I still have to fire off this award at Kelly Kelly. Maybe if she'd hit puberty and King would stop jacking off into her ring apparel under the table whenever she comes out, I would be able to tolerate her better. As is, though she's pretty lack luster in every department, and really just takes up valuable space and precious oxygen the rest of us could be breathing. Thanks a lot Kelly Squared. Somewhere, a small child in Africa doesn't have enough air because of your useless ass.
 
Gershon Levy: I would usually say Kelly Squared but going with Canvas Michelle who after she had facial surgery made me wish when she did her Go Daddy twirl, she would not turn all the way around.  Or at least wear a bag over your head!
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Again, WE WRITE FOR A WRESTLING WEBSITE!! I mean, I'm okay, I got into a relationship with a desperate chick before I became a staffer, but most of the TWF staffers answering this question would do Steven Richards, as long as he faced forwards and didn't look back. Who wouldn't we fuck?!? Anybody who seriously answers this is a LIAR.
 
British Bullfrog: Jillian Hall. You could put a fucking wrestling ring in the gap between her breasts.
 
Sixth Child: Vickie Guerrero. See #16.
 
Anthony Dean: Dead tie between ODB and Amazing Kong.
 
Neil Cathan: Ok, I lied. "Any of them" was an exaggeration. Not Vickie or Kong. Vickie for the whole weirdness of doing a widow and the fact that Edge will have passed everything he got from Lita to her (Plus she's y'know really ugly.), or Kong, because I'd be too scared to actually get an erection.
 
Charley Martin: Awesome Kong or Vickie Guerrero? What about ODB? No, I'd just feel really skeezy and ill after going at it with ol' Liquid Courage. Damn, so it's one of the pelvis crushers. I'll go with Vickie G, because Kong hasn't done the deed with Edge and contracted whatever he picked up from Lita. Allegedly. Not that I'd want to boink A-Kong either, but I would do THAT deed before Vickie.

Winner: Vickie Guerrero

 
Matt Folger: The Glamazon. Oh, wait, did I say the Glamazon? I meant Maria. Sorry, but the whole E.T. head thing just doesn't work for me. But seriously, I'd TEAR through the Glamazon like she was a third world phone book!!
 
Canadian Bacon: I'd never hit a woman. I have far too much respect for those cunts.

9)THE DARSOW AWARD (For Wrestler who's persevered through a TERRIBLE Gimmick or Angle)
Nominees: Hornswoggle; Cody Rhodes (as Holly's bitch); Edge; John Morrison; Kaz; Abyss (though we'll hold out judgment to see if he actually does persevere); Santino Marella (face); Eric Young; Kane; Umaga; Jay Lethal; Kevin Thorn;
 
Sean Carless: Santino is the obvious choice, but I think I'll go with Hornswoggle and his filthy dirty face. Jesus, you'd think that after being brought into a family of billionaires that someone would have hosed the troll down or at least bought him a face cloth. But hey, that'd mean that he'd no longer be an incredibly played-out unrealistic stereotype, and well, that'd just be absurd. So, ya, Horny is my pick. And god bless him for convincing me that all I need to do to get into say, Bill Gates family, is to blindly have my mother insist that he fucked her 30 years ago, while never giving any genetic proof or ever revealing her actual identity. BILLIONS OF DOLLARS HERE I COME.
 
Derek Burgan: This one’s tough as I don’t think guys like John Morrison or Lethal have thrived, they just haven’t died on the vine like Kevin Thorn or Eric Young. Both Hornswaggle and Santino have really become fan favorites though. As someone who’s not 10 years old, I love Santino’s schtick, but I can see why young kids love the midget. Good for both of them.
 
Justin Shapiro: Where would we be without Santino Marella?  And I don't just mean as wrestling fans.  I mean as a nation.  The year must come full circle with Santino destroying his one-time benefactor Roberto Lashley.
 
James Walker: It’s gotta be Hornswoggle. Last year, I believe I gave this award to Finlay for making the leprechaun shtick work. This year, I’ll be damned, but now the midget is over too. While the skits with Vince have Looney-Toons-on-Meth written all over them, people still pop for the damned thing. I can’t explain it, but whatever, the little guy isn’t coming up short.
 
Bahaha. That was so weak.
 
Catherine Perez: No one's persevered through a terrible gimmick like Santino Marella has this year. Santino, the purebred Italian, was an incredibly awful babyface. Apparently, the "hometown hero" gimmick didn't work anywhere other than Italy. Imagine that. Fortunately, one heel turn later, Santino's one entertaining bastard... most of the time. Singing about The Condemned in tune to Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" wasn't exactly my cup of tea, though I quote it often with my little sister. He must be doing something right.
 
Joe Merrick: Oh yeah, POOR HORNSWOGGLE. He’s indeed a TROOPER for facing such a severely tormenting challenge as ‘running around being an idiot’. Yeah, yeah hats off to him.
I’ll go with Umaga. Fucking STUPID gimmick, but admittedly made himself look darn credible, and is actually very enjoyable to watch when he pulls up his non-existent socks.
 
Michael Melchor: Can I award this to wrestling fans all over the world?  Seriously, we’ve had to persevere through all sorts of terrible angles and gimmicks!  Mr. McMahon becomes ECW Champion...then “dies”...then finds out he has a bastard kid that turns out to be a midget.  TNA’s reverse battle royal AND the “Feast or Fired” bit.  The debacle between Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle for All The Gold In Orlando.  Pacman Motherfucking Jones.  God’s the only guy that could beat John Cena for the WWE Title.  The list just goes on and on, folks. 
 
Cameron Burge: I suppose I should give Edge the pity vote here. It's not that his gimmick is so horrible as much as it is, he's forced to do horrible, terrible things because of it. It takes a real man to persevere not only kissing Vickie Guerrero, but actually slip that woman the tongue. And to think, he could have Krystal instead, not he's forced to make out on a weekly basis with woman who's face has always looked like it was rubbed down with sandpaper before she comes out. Lita she is not, so at least he doesn't have to worry about the same deadly cocktail (haha, Cock!) of STDs. So, here's to you Edge. Good job on picking up Eddies sloppy seconds. I guess somebody had to and it might as well be you and not me.
 
Gershon Levy: Hornswoggle for sure.  When I read rumors about this angle, it had disaster written all over it.  While the writing is horrendous, I can’t fault the guy who portrays him because he is entertaining to a degree.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Santino. The Rock of the new generation. Grinning babyface into a cocky arrogant heel into the best thing on most fucking shows. Easy stuff.
 
Oh, and for the record, Cody Rhodes HAS no gimmick. Of COURSE he's Holly's bitch; he's been in the company for less than six months. Thats not a gimmick; that's just Bob Holly doing his usual predatory newcomer act. 
 
(Phone rings)
 
Cody Rhodes:- (Answering) Hello?
(Heavy breathing)
Cody:- Oh, not this again. I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING!
Bob Holly:- Mmmmmmm.
Cody:- Who IS this!? When I find out, I'll come down hard on your ass!
Bob Holly:- Oh godddddddd.
Cody:- Bob??
Bob Holly:- ..........yeah.... ahem. So... Cody... don't you think it's time you... ahem... paid your dues?
 
British Bullfrog: Whoa, just how exactly is Kevin The Vampire a terrible gimmick? Here is a guy that, although he is admittedly one of the undead, we as mortal beings can relate to due to his average guy name and his ability to feel pain. A red neck who drinks beer all the time and beats up his boss? Unrealistic. Kevin the Vampire? Now there is someone I can emotionally connect with.
 
Sixth Child: Santino Marella. After his useless stretch as a face, he joined Regal as one of RAW's best characters. Think of Marella as the 2007 version of Christian before he ran off to TNA. His bits dissing Stone Cold in "The Condemned" were one of very few highlights on WWE TV this year.
 
Anthony Dean: Kaz, whose been all over TNA's Main Event scene the past couple months. What's his gimmick again, a cruiserweight Cody Rhodes with no personality beyond his rebellious long hair and an obsession with Back to the Future? Also, a nod to Kaz's fellow Serotonin alum Johnny Devine, whose new gimmick appears to be he blows Team 3D and really likes Cobra Commander. Though he'll probably get pushed to the moon if TNA creative interprets that as "a stiff shot to WWE's CM Punk."
 
Neil Cathan: Jay Lethal turns a shitty gimmick into a vehicle to get him more over (or more noticed by Mr. Russo.), a win over Mr. Angle, a title run and a push. Great work Jay!
 
Charley Martin: Well, Rookie Monster and his bitch Cody, whom I will associate with Grover here for some reason (both extremely scrawny and blue?), did win gold. Nobody cares, but it's nice that they won I guess. And it's not like it's a bad idea behind pairing them up with the rookie/veteran dynamic. Edge hasn't gotten through his mess yet. John Morrison's slow motion entrance is win, but his perpetual monotone and occasionally sloppy ring work are more detrimental than a bad gimmick. Kaz was persevering quite nicely until he ran into the push vacuum that is Dustin Rhodes evil side Black Reign... after this past Thursday both Reign and regular Dustin are heels, btw. FUCK!!! Abyss... why did I even suggest you? I give James Mitchell the gift of a lifetime supply of X-Pac Heat after this debacle. Santino has become gold on the mic since he went bad after falling on his face. Hehe, see what I did there? Now if he'd become fun to watch in the ring, we'd be onto something. Eric Young can do no wrong with the fans in the iMPACT! zONE! and throughout the perpetual 1.1 rating and keeps getting more and more over no matter how stupid things get for him. I guess it doesn't hurt that he rocks in all facets of the game. Kane is a jobber to the stars that gets to lose main events sometimes. That's not perseverence. That's midcard oblivion. Umaga has been buried under the weight of a sledgehammer and rainbow hair constantly after a great first half of the year. Fuck you, Jay Lethal has a fantastic gimmick, and he's not persevering either. He's lost more as X-Division champ than Mysterio did as WHC. Kevin Thorn? Seriously? He had a good gimmick, it was just wasted. Now he barely has a job.

Eric Young's gimmick is that of a formerly paranoid and self-confidence lacking dimwit, and currently childlike innocent, dimwit. Yet he's parlayed it into a borderline main event push and might be the most over guy in TNA and amongst the top few or so in all of American Professional Sports Entertainment. If that isn't a fucking win, then I don't know what is.

Winner: Eric Young

 
Matt Folger: I'll never forget at Vengeance seeing the audience hate Santino SO MUCH, that they actually were cheering for Umaga to beat the shit out of him. Damn, even Cena didn't get that! Good to see that Anthony Card---I mean, Sahnteeno Mah-relllla is finally getting some recognition. Well, for talking, anyway.
 
Canadian Bacon: Cody Rhodes. I never thought he'd be able to convincingly pull off WWE's character they created of a wrerstler who's completely nondescript and uninteresting, but boy did he prove me wrong!!!!111 You run with that ball, Cody!



10)THERE IS A GOD! For the moment when Lady Luck gave us a lapdance. (award for unforeseen blessing in wrestling.)
Nominees: SAVE_US.222; HHH and Jeff Jarret taken out of the spotlight for much of 2007;  RAW XV; Scott Hall no-showing Turning Point and Samoa Joe's "shoot"; John Cena's injury creating new opportunity; The Matt Hardy vs. MVP feud's staying power; RVD returns at the RAW 15th Anniversary show; HHH getting injured thus sparing us yet another "really exciting" wrestlemania main event; Santino Marella failing miserably as a face only to become a GREAT heel; CM Punk wins the ECW World Title; ROH on PPV; Regal becoming Raw GM; Finlay turning face; Shelton Benjamin to ECW creating a new beginning for him; Stevie actually getting pushed; the whole MVP/Hardy angle; ECW merging with Smackdown; “The Dating Game” skit;
 
Sean Carless: As much as I'd like to pick "The Marine" John Cena going, umm, AWOL?, "Save_Us_222" is my choice. Even if the Jericho we did get looked like he just finished a night shift at a swanky gay nightclub. Irregardless, and despite not "saving us" and probably thinking of changing his name to Y 2 Me? as well after that disastrous reception in the Carolinas,  I'd be lying if I said that anything this year got me to mark out half as hard as the return of Chris Jericho. It's just a shame it didn't catch fire as much as we all hoped it would. I blame the lack of hilarious promos where he insists that people in positions of authority love animals that are in fact thinly veiled euphemisms for penises; or to perhaps pretend he was a member of a non-existent branch of the Military. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I hate your children.  What can I say? Tact isn't my best suit.
 
Derek Burgan: Another tie for me, because I love that SAVE-USS.222 WHORE t-shirt, Santino as heel and the entire RAW 15th anniversary show. However, maybe the award should split between the Honky Tonk Man and the Iron Sheik, who were a part of some of the greatest DVDs of the year.
 
Justin Shapiro: Did you break the code?  X+1 = 0MG.

Hunter did us a real solid by getting hurt too.
 
James Walker: You know what? There’s tons of great nominees here, and many of which I would happily vote for. However, there’s one event this year which got the best reaction out of me, and that was The Dating Game skit. This thing just came out of nowhere, and between Regal’s subtle quips, Ron Simmons poetic skills, or Santino starting to show off his heel chops, the WWE convinced me that once in a while, monkeys at a typewriter CAN produce Shakespeare.
 
Catherine Perez: Stevie Richards (who kind of looks like a mash-up of Wes Scantlin of Puddle of Mudd and Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters now that I think about it) getting a push and ACTUALLY WINNING MATCHES. Holy shit, that was amazing. Sure, he's disappeared from TV since then (hiding from some angry McMahons, I'm sure), but what a memorable month for Stevie fans that was. Perhaps next year, we can all push for Stevie winning the ECW title. Fat chance, I know...
 
Joe Merrick: Santino deserves special mention for being the absolute funniest wrestler of 2007. From the Winehouse song, to ‘Bottom Lines’, this dude has fast become one of RAW’s greatest investments.
However, my vote is for Jericho. I might get condemned (NO, NO, NO!) for this, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a mark decision. I absolutely love this guy, have ALWAYS heralded him as my ultimate favourite all-around wrestler, ever since seeing him in WCW and his big WWE debut. His return had me in chills, and to cap it off he made me laugh very audibly when he said Orton had ‘Child bearing hips’. For me, this may just be the best wrestling moment in 2007.
 
Michael Melchor: As shitty as 2007 was, there were a couple close contenders here.  CM Punk becoming ECW would be a good candidate, but ECW sucks fat, sweaty donkey dick no matter who holds the title.  RoH making PPV would be a great candidate, but no one but us diehards really care (although I really hope that changes).  That in mind, Raw XV has to be the winner for being a solid, three-hour “thank you” to wrestling fans everywhere.  Not tomention that show had the Best.  Battle Royal.  Ending.  Ever!
 
Cameron Burge: Okay, who decided it would be funny to put ECW merging with Smackdown on here as a blessing? That's right! Now we can see Kane get his ass kicked by morbidly obese black guys twice as much as ever before! Oh happy day. Just a few weeks ago, I would have given this award to SAVE_US 222 (Which didn't turn out to be Corsala much to my dismay), but after the Carolina's sucked all the heat out of the room whenever Jericho's name was so much as mentioned like some kind of Y2J Kryptonite, that became what had to be the biggest let down of the year. Instead, I'll give it to William Regal, spicing up Raw with a little bit of personality that Vince and Coach simply don't have. The Dating Game and WWE Idol were made drop dead hilarious thanks to Regal's involvement and at least he doesn't toss The Undertaker around like a WMD or make out with Randy Orton on a regular basis.
 
Gershon Levy: I’ll go with Santino turning heel because it was one of the only things worth watching in WWE this year.  I could not stand the guy as a face, but when he went heel I loved every segment he did.  I’d say CM Punk winning the title too except if not for John Morrison’s suspension it may have not happened.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: SAVE_US.222 was great until the worlds biggest cholostomy bag of geeks decided to take it upon themself to CRACK THE CODE by studying every word as concisely as humanly possible, pausing and screencapping every inch of every vignette, and talking about it non-stop for three months. So just to spite the Youtube losers and forumers, I'm gonna go for MVP and Matt.
 
British Bullfrog: Definitely Regal getting to re-hash his Commissioner gimmick as Raw GM. Yes, his character sets England back in a way not dissimilar to Crocodile Dundee and Australia, but hey this is the WWE and the man's hilarious.
 
Sixth Child: Not being subjected to the Diva Search on WWE TV (well, for more than five minutes anyway). It looks like someone finally felt the Diva Search was not living up to its original "classy" tag, and decided to put those fake-breast waving, juggy-dancing, fitness instructing, Spearmint Rhino reminding, collagen injecting, "sit-on-a-stool-and-slide-all-the-way-down" hos where they belong... on the internet.
 
Anthony Dean: Both Triple H's and John Cena's injuries, saving us from the incredibly boring HHH-Cena II at two different Mania's. Guess we now get to look forward to HHH-Batista again this Mania! Wait, what? Fuck it, Cena, get well soon!
Also, as Smackdown recapper I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the nice long MVP-Hardy feud, which is still thankfully not over. Thanks, guys, for making a little bit of Smackdown enjoyable those three times I actually watched Smackdown. I mean, EVERY WEEK.
 
Neil Cathan: ROH on PPV. I just love to watch that company grow, and the PPVs have given us some great stuff. Or so I'm told. Uk doesn't get the PPVs. Need to wait for the DVDs to come out.
 
Charley Martin: This one hurts, but it is time for me to kill the buzz and stab a hole in every single one of these hopeful moments and see what survives. There is no humour in what I must do, but alas, it must be done. *Sigh* Save_Us.222 turned out to be a total bust thanks to so many things. Carolina crowds suck, Triple H is a saboteur, and it took forever to actually bring Y2J back. Most momentum was lost a month before he finally arrived. Jeff Jarrett had terrible misfortune befall himself and his family. Nothing really improved in Triple H's absence, save for a few promising midcarders not having their dreams crushed by him. Matt and MVP had potentially life threatening maladies befall them to extend their feud. RAW XV was okay but overrated. No Rock + no Hitman = still better than today's product, but not what it should have been. Scott Hall's life in pro wrestling and in general goes on, and Joe's “shoot” is in quotes for a reason. John Cena's injury made room for even more of the same old shit and an unpalatable increase in chinlocks. RVD was only there for a little over a minute and probably won't be back again anytime soon. No matter how universally despised Triple H is, I still don't wish ill upon him. Well, not a blown quad anyway. CM Punk has basically been given nothing to work with since becoming champ and may have only won the title because Morrison got suspended for violating the Wellness Policy in the first place. Last Chance Matches on free TV a promise of great things does not make. I didn't see the Dating Game skit. Regal needs to be in the ring. Stevie only got pushed for about a month. Hell did get unseasonably cold for bit though. ECW merging with Smackdown! isn't even a good thing to begin with. Finlay turning face was a pleasant surprise, but will be meaningless unless it leads somewhere for HIM. Shelton has a fresh start, but it's always a reasonable question ask if “Creative” can keep him going in the right direction. This leaves Santino, ROH on pay-per-view, and the off the board nomination of Jamie Noble getting a push and making it worth above and beyond our collective whiles. It seems like ROH doing ppv is just because they feel like it. I don't think it's going to move their bottom line in any significant way beyond product exposure going down the line, considering they go for as cheap as $10 in some places. Santino hasn't won very much and Noble, well, who knows where his push will lead, if anywhere.

Winner: As long as they do them well, ROH can only help themselves by doing pay-per-view.

 
Matt Folger: "Hey yo, I had a match tonight? Man, I've gotta stop eating grease straight from the deep fryer, it NEVER turns out well!. I hope Vinnie Rue will find it in his heart to give me a 23rd chance!"
 
Canadian Bacon: Samoan Joe SHOT someone??!!! WHY??? With all those headbutts (which is lethal in Samoa), kicks and face clothes in the corner, you'd think that'd be enough. I never pegged this man as a murderer, but I guess I should have listened closer. Crowds have been yelling that "Joe's gonna kill you" for years or months even but we just didn't hear their cries! TRAGEDY.

11)BURIED ALIVE. Most frustrating burial of the year.
Nominees: Booker T returning to RAW only to have to job to HHH; World's Greatest Tag team turned into jobbers; Triple H vs. Entire WWE Tag Division; Team 3D burying entire X Division; "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal; Carlito; Chris Harris; London & Kendrick; the X Division; Kane the JTTS (jobber to the stars); Sonjay Dutt;
 
Sean Carless: Normally, I'd say Chris Benoit, but I think he was cremated. So, I'll pick umm, everyone CAPTAIN TRIPS pinned last fall. After all, Benoit was only responsible for burying 3 people total, and Hunter's up to like, what, 16 or so?
 
Derek Burgan: London and Kendrick going from longest tag reign in a while to absolute jobbers takes the cake for me.
 
Justin Shapiro: London & Kendrick: The Raw Years was pretty disheartening stuff, not only eliminating their long weekly matches on Smackdown in favor of Pedigrees, three minute jobs, and playing setup guys for Cryme Tyme, but it also really hurt their chances to be named Greatest Raw Superstars Of All Time. 
 
James Walker: Umm… the most frustrating burial of the year? What about Chris Benoit?
 
Catherine Perez: How bad is every other team when the World's Greatest Tag Team is left staring up at the lights at the end of every match?
 
Joe Merrick: Probably HHH vs. Tag Teams. Christ on a bike, I wouldn’t have minded AS much if it wasn’t so ultimately pointless. It is a lot like what happened at No Mercy. Yeah sure, ok, we get that HHH is still a big deal, never disputed it, so he really honestly doesn’t need to keep reminding us that he is capable of pulling off these ‘great feats of awesomeness’, never mind the fact that it is only because he has creative control of his own fucking character.
Levesque, you are Wrestling’s equivalent to William Shatner.
Let that fucking sink in.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME.
 
Michael Melchor: Team 3D vs. the entire X Division wins this one.  Hearing <s>Buh Buh</s> Brother Ray say on “Between The Ropes” that all this would somehow help the X Division is still the singlemost dumbfounding statement made all year.
 
Cameron Burge: I suppose the key word here is "Frustrating". There wasn't much frustration involved in watching Triple H devour the tag team division to repower his fuel cells in order to make Umaga and Orton look like chumps on the same night (all while snagging himself a brief title reign in the process). There was however, quite a bit of frustration in watch Booker T turned into pretty much a big joke, considering he's always been a favorite of mine, minus that G.I. Bro phase he went through. Not only did he basically have to build his feud all by himself, God forbid Hunter show up on the Titantron to cut a promo or anything, but he had to job to Jerry the fucking King Lawler in the process! How do you build yourself for a feud with Triple H by getting your ass beat by Jerry Lawler? What the fuck? I don't blame him for leaving.
 
Gershon Levy: This is where I’ll go on my own and say Chris Benoit who actually buried himself literally and figuratively.  Amazing how he goes from legend in the ring to….umm who is this Benoit guy you speak of?
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Personally, I'd say the most frustrating for me was Sensational Sherri. I never did get to tap that shit.
 
British Bullfrog: Thank God the World's Greatest Tag Team don't put their self declared title on the line in matches, if that were the case literally every tag team to pop up in the 'E this year would be eligible for it. Still, I'm gonna have to give another award to Kane. Has he forgotten that he could just use his flame powers to destroy everyone of his opponents who *always* 'overcome the odds' to beat the 'monster'.
 
Sixth Child: Special mention goes to HHH vs. the Tag Team Division. Like the Tag Belts weren't enough of a joke.
But my pick is, ironically, Chris Benoit. If I can be serious for a moment, there was only one thing that disgusted me more than what Benoit did, and that was WWE's decision to go all Stalin on us by denying he ever existed. I acknowledge he and he alone committed a horrible and inexcusable act, but I'm guessing WWE doesn't want to face up to the fact that they were partly responsible for what happened. Motherless fucks.
 
Anthony Dean: Jay Lethal. Great in the ring, over gimmick, even if it admittedly won't last much longer, and a clean win over Kurt freakin' Angle with a healthy freakin' neck for the X Title! It looked like nothing could go wrong. For a few minutes, at least, until he got his ass handed to him by Joe later that same night and proceeded to lose almost every fucking match he's been in. He's now stuck feuding with Team 3D and Johnny Devine over possession of his title. Because when it comes to securing stolen briefcases, Jim Cornette's got that shit down, but some thugs steal one of his champion's belts and his hands are tied.
 
Neil Cathan: Sonjay Dutt. Russo takes an exciting wrestler, notices his skin colour and makes him Gandhi. Not only that, but he has to pass around his tambourine for money. Becuase foreign people are poor, and have no self respect. Fuck you Russo. I wish you nothing but a humiliating and painful death in 2008. Enjoy.
 
Charley Martin: So many choices, but being one of the TNA guys here, seeing Chris Harris go from THIS close to the main event to increasingly out of shape jobber is just damn sickening to me.

Winner: Chris Harris

 
Matt Folger: London and Kendrick being pedigreed by Paul Levesque was just awful. And it happened for no reason, other than if he doesn't have a head locked between his legs every 20 minutes he will implode. Did you know that the Pedigree actually releases HGH bulid-up from the body? He needs to bury to stay alive!!
 
Canadian Bacon: King Booker. Who was immediately stripped of his MONARCHY once he went to TNA! I heard through my reliable sources that may or may not exist that Booker was told distinctly by Dixie Carter, President of Orlando, Florida that monarchy's would NOT fly in her completely democratic nation of top wrestlers and lower-card guys unfairly held back with no voice, and as such if he dared try and rule there there'd be trouble A FOOT. Which I guessed meant they'd kick him a lot until he stopped wanting to rule with an Iron Fist (prolly that big silver one on Smackdown).
 
However, King Booker didn't listen, so Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley commandeered one of his royal trade-ships and dumped and ENTIRE SHIPMENT of neckbones into the Boston harbor! OH NOES. That practically RUINED Booker's economy in Fake Harlem and Houston as it was his chief export. The other was games, which people were encouraged to hate. Unlike the players who were embraced. Anyways, since neckbones were no longer indeed on, that was enough for King Booker. He denounced his royalty immediately and became a civilian again to avoid a long drawn out war of Independence filled with high flying excitement and more scissors kicks than you can shake a stick or a ROYAL SCEPTER AT. Thank God war was avoided. That's my pick.



12)SO GREEN, HE/SHE'S BROWN. (get out of the ring before you hurt someone...unless it's yourself, then it's OK)
Nominees: Kelly Kelly; Great Khali; Mark Henry (even after all these years); Layla,, The Major Bros.;
 
Sean Carless: Kelly Kelly. She's really trying, but like a retard trying to finger-paint with their feet, sometimes "a lot of effort" just isn't good enough.
 
Derek Burgan: Khali already has killed someone in the ring and at the rate he’s “improving,” I wouldn’t be surprised if we see the next one on live TV.
 
Justin Shapiro: Come let me take you back, turn back the hands of time.  I saw a London-Kendrick/Deuce-Domino match taped for Smackdown that, when it aired as TV that was changing Friday nights, was basically one long jump cut.  London sprungboard and there weren't none to spring onto!
 
James Walker: Mark Henry. While Kelly is pathetic in the ring, she’s only what, 19, 20? Mark Henry has been with the WWE for 11 years. And STILL has yet to improve significantly. Hell, it shows Henry’s abilities when he’s only wrestling in short tag matches, or even shorter singles squashes. The thing that kills me about Henry is that, yes, Vince foolishly signed him to a 10 year contract after the 96 olympics. After a couple of years, it was apparent that this idea was as smart asholding Owen Hart’s foot, and everyone was just hoping the contract would expire. However, in the last couple months of his contract, Henry, for once, looked like he was getting better! So he signed an extension! And promptly sucked again!
 
You know, this sounds awfully familiar. It reminds me of those ghosts in the Mario games, where they sneak up on you if you’re not looking. The minute you face them, they stop their evil deeds. But the minute you turn around, they’re back to their mischievous ways. The only problem with this analogy, is that if there’s anything Mark Henry isn’t, it’s see-through. The guy blocks out the sun.. and I’m not even sure if it’s his shadow, or his chest.
 
Catherine Perez: Sure, Khali killed a guy in the ring a few years back, but I'm sure he can open a can of whipped cream! Calling Kelly Kelly green is an understatement of epic proportions. Her forgettable feud with Layla El has been nothing short of atrocious. That flippy elbow she attempted was the epitome of shit.
 
Joe Merrick: I would have gone for Khali simply because as a champion he should make it his duty to up his game, except for the fact that Henry has had A DECADE to do so and no fucking dice.
 
Michael Melchor: Kelly Kelly.  This bitch not only can’t dance, but she had a match with Leyla that made the Jackie Gayda/Trish Stratus fiasco look like Hackenschmidt and Gotch by comparison.  Get her out of the ring, please.  Better yet, just show her the door altogether and bring Brooke back.  At least she looked good.
 
Cameron Burge: I'm of the opinion the Major brothers should have just teamed up with Santino and became the Mario Brothers for the cheap joke. At least we would have got something out of them instead of two more Edges, equaling up to three more than we ever needed. Though really, this award belongs to The Great Khali. He's so green (how green is he?) that people thought the Big Gold Belt wasn't real gold and it was just rubbing off on him *rimshot*...*tumbleweed*...they can't all be gold, okay? At least we know that if we're ever menaced by basketballs, we don't have to really on Batista to save us, since apparently Khali can defeat them with ease. Not that a BASKETBALL will be standing across from us in the ring, or that a BASKETBALL will hold a grudge...

BASKETBALL.

 
Gershon Levy: Kelly Squared, I do appreciate the divas making an attempt to wrestle but when you can’t do anything else right what made them think she could wrestle?  See her attempt to do that backflip move Chyna used to do and botching it for an example.  There was a reason they didn’t show that in the replays.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Mark Henry is a star. No, seriously. He's huge, he engulfs anything within a mile radius of him, and he is always ready to implode at any given time. And if that little joke there wasn't 'Anvil' enough for you, hows this...

What's worse than a Mark Henry match?

Getting raped.

The old ones are the best ones.
 
British Bullfrog: Kelly Kelly, Jesus there is something seriously wrong with her.
 
Sixth Child: The entire WWE Women's division, except Beth Phoenix, Victoria and Mickie James. And in true WWE fashion, we never see the last two compete in serious matches. Ironic, no? (Yes)
 
Anthony Dean: Chris Benoit. He botched a crossface so bad it killed his son. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Benoit_double_murder_and_suicide#Daniel_Benoit
 
Neil Cathan: Great Khali. The other's are all terrible, but none of them are killers. See, I think WWE dropped the ball here. Bring in Sonny Siaki and have the two form a tag team called Natural Born Killers. They'd come to the ring and hit dropkicks and flapjacks until their opponents die from head trauam and blood clots. It'd be the greatest. Then they feud with Undertaker and Matt Hardy becuase one's already dead, and the other can't die. That's just money right there.
 
Charley Martin: I think I answered this earlier but lets make it official. At least Layla is going to do some much-needed training. Even she knows she's living on borrowed time every time Kelly scores (VERY) offensive maneuvers on her. Best learn defensive wrestling while you can still walk.

Winner: Kelly Kelly

 
Matt Folger: Where's Russo when you need him? I propose the FIRST EVER Man vs. Cage match. Mark Henry has 5 minutes to break the lock on the cage and if he doesn't, each braid in his head will be pulled off by all of the more deserving people on the roster. It's gold, dammit, PURE FAT FUCKIN' GOLD!!
 
Canadian Bacon: Great Khali who is kinda sorta brown. But still Awesome. He chops brains, punishes pancreases and even KILLS PEOPLE sometimes, which is the earmark of a truly great wrestler. Most guys just knock you out and then pin you, but Khali is a perfectionist and kills them and then easily scores pins because they're all dead and not alive to kick out. BRILLIANT STRATEGY.
 
Just remember, WWE is not stupid.They don't call things like the American Bash and Khali "Great" for no reason only for them to suck completely and be the opposite of that and thus become a parody and comical. So don't even think it.


13)THE OWEN HART MEMORIAL WORST "HOOK-UP" AWARD (For worst Wrestling Couple, Real or Scripted)
Nominees: Vickie Guerrero and Edge; Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes; Triple H and Jeff Hardy (Just turn heel on him already, for fucks sake); Teddy Long and Kristal; Bobby Lashley and ECW Championship; Kurt & Karen Angle; Hulk Hogan & Linda Hogan; Ms. Brooks & Robert Roode; Kelly and her Balls; Michelle McCool & Chuck Palumbo; 
 
Sean Carless: How dare anyone vote for Vickie & Edge. Why can't these two find love? First, it's not like the guy himself is that great a prize. I mean, he's the spitting image of the Geico Gecko. Second of all, a relationship with Vickie makes total sense. If you're already used to being with a woman who only beds talented high-flying Mexicans, why not try another? IT JUST MAKES SENSE.
 
Anyway, my *official* choice is Mr. & Mrs. Hogan, bruther. That marriage fell apart, and fast, dude. And I have no idea why. Who would think that a guy (Hogan), unable to hold onto any friendship or partnership for 25 straight years would also have bad luck with the ladies, bruther? Maybe it was the fact that in all likelihood he wore a dew-rag and spandex pants to his own wedding? Or that Hulk insisted on scoop-slamming her constantly during BOTH her pregnancies? (which may explain few things with Nasty Nick). How could he know? (best or otherwise). "That's what you do with fat people, bruther!". I can hear it now.
 
The real question now is whether Linda insisted on ripping the crucifix from his neck and splashing him a few dozen times first before asking for a divorce. That's how his splits usually go. Sadly, we may never know the answer for sure. Bruther.
 
Derek Burgan: Vickie and Edge would have gotten this award from me if the voting took place a couple weeks ago. Lately they have been magic. I’m going to have to go with the back-up, Roode and Ms. Brooks, which is almost unbearable to watch on a week-to-week basis. What is completely unfathomable is that Brooks one a “bidding contest” of sorts for the rights to manage Roode. Just unbelievable!
 
Justin Shapiro: This was actually a year full of great unrequited love angles: Kelly and Balls, Michelle and Jamie Noble, MVP and Matt.  Sadly, though, the promising sparks between Mickie James and Trevor Murdoch never blossomed.

The worst real-life couple in wrestling strikes me as Bobby Lashley and Kristal Marshall.  Not just because they were in a love triangle with Matt Striker, which is just wacky, but because it just seems like Kristal being with Lashley would ... hurt.  Like, a lot.  Is he soft-spoken, hard-hitting ... in bed?  Does he shave her while Donald Trump watches?
 
James Walker: There’s no wrestling couple that are more useless than Kurt & Karen Angle. Why is she around? What power does she hold? This has NEVER been explained, and more importantly, she has NEVER been entertaining. As we all know, Kurt Angle has declined in comedy & wrestling ability over the years, but whatever the hell TNA is trying with Kurt isn’t working. Kurt needs other dorks (see: Edge and Christian) or uber serious (see: Triple H, Steve Austin, or The Undertaker) to work off of to be funny. As far as I can tell, Karen’s gimmick is that of a MILF. Nothing wrong with that, however, it’s producing useless television.
 
You want to know how Karen Angle can be entertaining? Get her to explain that her children were the result of a “broken freakin’ condom”.
 
Catherine Perez: I don't think I've ever been more disgusted over a kayfabe couple than I've been with Vickie Guerrero and Edge. Let it be known that this marks the first time I've hated a diva for having morals. Thanks a lot, Kristal Marshall. I'm thinking I should sue WWE for irreparable mental damage, too; my mind tends to wander more often than not, and the thought of Vickie getting speared in the cunt just about had my entire digestive system shut down.
 
Joe Merrick: Vickie and Edge. Simply the most ridiculous, half-brained, pointless, grotesque, sinister, insulting, callous, moronic, abominable, disgraceful, atrocious, meaningless, degrading, ludicrous, disgusting, dreadful, poor, terrible, awful, horrid, silly, idiotic, unholy pus of an idea to ever ooze from a WWE Writer’s pathetic hollow shell he calls his creative mind.
 
Michael Melchor: Vickie Guerrero and Edge.  Just when I thought WWE couldn’t piss all over Eddie’s memory more than they already had, leave it ton Vince to have a 40 for his dead homiez and then take a long, streaming leak on his grave once again with this bullshit.  I can’t wait until Vickie shows up in Hell and Eddie’s there to jab her with the pitchfork a few million times.
 
Cameron Burge: Why isn't Wrestling and Steroids on this list? I'm disappointed in you Sean, you should have caught that one. Can we please, oh please, give this award to Edge and Vickie already? Does there even need to be a vote at all? It's pretty much said and done when you're making out with old horse face on live (three days delayed) television. I know I already ranted about this once already, but it's worth saying again. She. Is. Ugly. There I said it, Eddie! You married an ugly bitch!..Twice even! What the hell were you thinking man?! Tell me it was the drugs, please tell me it was the drugs clouding your mind. Edge doesn't have that excuse, unless you ask Sports Illustrated.
 
Gershon Levy: Vickie and Edge for one simple reason.  EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Vickie and Edge. How they are able to kiss without interlocking their teeth like the tusks of a couple of fighting mammoths is beyond me, it really is. The whole thing is putrid.
 
British Bullfrog: Michelle McCool & Chuck Palumbo are fantastic. Just take two random people who are boring and have no heat whatsoever and throw them together for no reason. Classic.
 
Sixth Child: Edge and Vickie Guerrero hands (and dare I say it, pants) down. Are they fucking serious? If they made it look like Vickie was a lovesick widow and Edge was using her to get title matches, fine, go nuts. But this is supposed to be a serious angle. Even Liza Minelli ain't buying that one.
 
Anthony Dean: Michelle McCool and "Macho Man" Chuck Palumbo. Even beating a woman can't get this guy heat.
 
Neil Cathan: Edge and Vickie Guerrero. Edge carries on his 2002 feud with Eddie Guerrero by banging his wife. That's just wrong.
 
Charley Martin: Owen Hart worst “hook-up”? Dear god. Anyway, Vickie Guerrero and Edge is the worst on this list. But I'm going off the board to pick Mae Young & that ol' pimp Vinnie Mac. Then I'm going to procrastinate before cleaning up a mighty projectile vomit that will follow this choice.

Winner: Mae Young & Vince McMahon. >:(

 
Matt Folger: "You say your name is the ECW championship, and you love to be the first title match on the PPV card? I say your name is...ERROR....ERROR4568...SEE MANUAL.....NO!"
 
Canadian Bacon: Bobby Lashley had a sexual relationship with the ECW title? How'd he ever fit his dink into the belt nubbins? WEIRD. Now we know why he's so soft spoken. Who'd want to ever hear that explanation?


14)THE SHOCKY. Best blooper of the year, (named in honor of Shockmaster, of course).
Nominees: Layla v. Kelly: Food Fight massacre; Canvas Michelle; Cena getting injured; Awesome Kong's Awesomely Horrifying Wardrobe Malfunction; Kelly Kelly’s Backflip; HHH’s quad blowing Spinebuster; Hulk Hogan/Khali exchange at Raw XV; Joey Mercury almost getting killed by a ladder (wasn´t included in 2006 Fannys); Finlay falling off the stretcher at Cyber Sunday; Super Crazy & Hacksaw Duggan's HO! Si! falls flat on its face; Mr. Kennedy daclares that there are no more steroids in wrestling.. and well, you know the rest;
 
Sean Carless: Everyone's going to pick Fucking Kennedy anyway, so I'm going to go outside the box and choose Duggan & Super Crazy's aborted "Ho!" "Si!" blunderfuck. Poor guys. Maybe I just have a soft spot for this team, and desperately hoped that this one pairing of a middle-aged mentally challenged man, who nonsensically carries wood and wears my Grade 6 Gym shorts, along with the world's most obese Cruiserweight (Maybe Crazy misunderstood and thought you were supposed to weigh as much as a legit Cruiser?) could be the ones to FINALLY reunite Mexican/American relations and bring racial tolerance and political harmony back to our great continent? And now, because of one faux pas, it's over? Maybe? Or maybe I just wanted to use a cheap lead-in to unveil my stupid official team name of "U.S.A! and You, Essé!". Perhaps. I guess we'll never know.
 
Derek Burgan: Mr. Kennedy opening his big fat yap.
 
Justin Shapiro: CANVAS MICHELLE.  C.M. PLUNK.  MOVE YOUR BODY MOVE YOUR BODY MOVE YOUR BODY
 
James Walker: The sight of Candice Michelle falling faster to the earth than my pants at a minor hockey tournament will live forever as one of the most unintentionally hilarious moments of Raw. After the show was over, I immediately hopped on to MSN, where Sean quickly joined me. All we could talk about was how “Canvas” Michelle sure showed us what love is, and how to move our body. (Headfirst at an alarming velocity, apparently). Good times.
 
Catherine Perez:
I rest my case.
 
Joe Merrick: Probably Cena’s injury. Very rarely does a blooper cause IWC-ers to collectively ejaculate all over their baggy sweat-soaked shorts. Remember, kids, when some white trash bro gets all up in yo grill, awkwardly flip them by the arm and they be history, nigga.
 
Michael Melchor: Ken Kennedy wins another category for the same transgression – which, I think, is a first for me.  THAT’S when you know a guy fucked up. I’d elaborate some more, but I can’t find that many ways to call someone a stupid asshole other than to come out and say that Ken Kennedy was a stupid asshole.
 
Cameron Burge: I always thought Awesome Kong was this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=OTtd_K8NpZo On to the award. I think I'll give this one to, ha, Canvas Michelle who apparently mistook to the ring mat for Vince McMahon's dick and tried to meet it head on. You know the rest. At least we don't have to listen to her god awful generic Scooter techno. Still, noting quite compares to watching Stephanie McMahon tries to choke one of the divas to death with a bottle of water as if she believes it to have magical healing properties. Maybe she got it from a church vending machine? The downside to this has been that we now have the Glamazon as champion with only one legitimate challenger for her and plenty of diva whore show off matches to fill the gap in the mean time. Santa's Helper anyone?
 
Gershon Levy: The Hogan/Khali exchange was pretty awful since a) it was predictable Hogan would show up, b) we all knew it was a one time appearance which mainly was to push American Gladiators, and c) they made Hogan/Andre look like HBK/Kur t Angle.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Gotta be Candice Michelle plummetting like a kamikaze plane. I'm always happy for Candice to go down...on...erm...oh, fuck it, Candice falling on her face. Don't you hate it when bad things happen to good jokes?
 
British Bullfrog: Probably that HILARIOUS one, when HHH forgot he was immortal and let someone pin him. What a slip up, his face must have been red.
 
Sixth Child: Joey Mercury taking a crash course in climbing the social ladder. Jesus Henry Christ, that was brutal. What's more devastating was WWE running with it and turning Mercury into the Phantom of the (worst soap) Opera (in history).
Special mention goes to Kelly and Layla's botched food fight. I'd love to see that meeting where Creative tries to explain how these two would make decent wrestling talent when they can't even throw a fucking bowl of potato salad! They blow a simple spot like that after so much experience of "blowing"?
Thank you, I'm here all night.
 
Anthony Dean: The debut of Awesome Kong and those two giant saggy sacks of potatoes she's always smuggling under her, um, armor? Runner up is Miz accidentally falling on Hardy and winning the tag belts, because there is no fucking way anyone booked the Miz to be a champion.
 
Neil Cathan: No steroids...STEROIDS, in wrestling...WRESTLING. Thanks Ken. Say, what were you suspended for again? Tool.
 
Charley Martin: Mr. Kennedy... Kennedy wins in a landslide for his entire year of misadventures that are more giggle-inducing than anything Triple H has said in one of his endless, pointless, cock-spewing, merchandise shilling skits. Maybe I just wanted to say cock-spewing. I dunno. I'm pretty out of it right now. A little short on sleep and I'm three hours into this ballot and only this far. I'm not even letting myself run over to Quikstop to get food till I'm halfway done, and that is starting to have an effect too. BLARGH, Charley angry!

Winner: Mr. Kennedy... Kennedy

 
Matt Folger: Oh, geez, so many to chose from. Uuhhhm...gotta go with Awesome Kong. Two giant black pancakes with a side of dumbfounded expression is always a good meal in my book. Oh, and BOOBS!!
 
Canadian Bacon: HHH blows quads? I know he's the Game (I'm thinking Monopoly) and all, but does no one frown on his flagrant sexual abuse of the crippled? It's not like Droz can stop him!!!!!

15)AHMED JOHNSON "CLOWN-SHOES' AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF RIDICULOUSNESS. (wrestler who fucks up, gets injured, or just plain has terrible luck one way or another)
Nominees: John Cena gets injured and never loses title in the ring; Randy Orton vs. Hotel Room;
Chris Jericho's Carolina Crowd Reaction; Scott Hall no shows Turning point; "Made in the ICU" Lex Luger; Mr. Kennedy..for everything; Matt Hardy’s injury; D.H. Smith; The SD World title curse; TNA hires Pacman Jones and gets NOTHING out of the deal; Batista's promos (basketballs, needing his belt back, etc.); Chris Nowinski gets fired for stirring up too much shit about concussions in wrestling;
 
Sean Carless: CM Punk. It took a dude murdering his family and the guy who then replaced him getting busted for steroids for the company to FINALLY figure out that putting the belt on the "drug-free guy" might be a good idea . If anything could drive a dude to suddenly add a little Jack to his Cola, that'd be it.
 
Derek Burgan: What exactly was TNA thinking with the Pacman Jones signing anyway? We really need a shoot interview or something with Dixie to see how they explain that one.
 
Justin Shapiro: If I'm counting right, there were, let's see -- Undertaker, Kennedy, Edge, Benoit, Cena -- no less than five world title changes that went awry on account of injury or, well, death.  That's just weird.
 
James Walker: Gotta go with Matt Hardy here. It appears that God himself never wants an MVP/Hardy match, because the half year or so has been full of ridiculous co-incidences that have prevented this feud from getting the blowoff it deserves. Granted, it’s served as a great build for a potential Wrestlemania match, but I’m still not sold on that match happening. We’ve already seen rare heart conditions and freak head trauma. What’s next? A meteor crashing in to the ring upon MVP’s entrance? Marty Mcfly materializing during the opening bell? Matt Hardy insisting on being released so he can be with Lita on the indies only for her to fuck, umm, Blitzkrieg behind the scenes? Who knows.
 
Catherine Perez: All that hype just to watch some guy who suckerpunches strippers toss a Nerf football at a guy's balls? Pacman Jones, a now-former TNA Tag Team Champ (dear God), was clearly a huge waste of time and money, and TNA ended up with one less Winnebago after the whole ordeal. Way to go, guys.
 
Joe Merrick: It can only be Orton, who, after hearing of a sofa taking out the Legendary Hulkster, took it upon himself to right the wrong and annihilate the competition in the oft-heralded ‘Legend Killing’ field. Honestly though, what possesses a man who is now expecting his first child to be so juvenile?
 
Michael Melchor: Name one single person that made a bigger impact fucking up royally than Chris Benoit did in 2007.  Go ahead.  I dare ya.  I double dog dare ya.  Right, I thought so, too.  Everything else looks like a perfect ballet (although “this ain’t ballet”) performance in comparison to that shit.
 
Cameron Burge: I heard Holiday Inn was seeking a rematch with Orton who kept rambling like Apollo Creed as he shook a torn off piece of curtain in his fist: "There ain't gonna be no rematch! There ain't gonna be no rematch!" Which is of course a double negative. But Orton's a retard. Despite that, D.H. Smith is deserving of this award. Seemingly set up for what would either be a best of Infinity series with Carlito (who would have welcomed such over his now Best of Ridiculous series with Hornswoggle) or an IC push, he manages to get busted for roids just a few weeks into his tenure. You know, those things that pretty much killed his dad just a few years ago. Thanks Mr. Smith, for reminding us all why the Darwin Awards were invented, keep up the good work and you too can die young and make a pretty corpse.
 
Gershon Levy: What the hell was the deal with the Smackdown injuries this year?  And even more so, why was it always the wrestlers I kind of liked who got hurt?
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Mr. Kennedy couldn't have embarrassed himself more this year had he been caught, in front of a mirror, tucking his penis in between his legs to see what he would look like with a vagina. He simultaneously has the same amount of credibility as an STFU and should follow the moves in-built advice. What a dill.
 
British Bullfrog: Definitely all the build up to Jericho's comeback and then....nothing.
 
Sixth Child: Missed-ouuuuuuuuut Kennedy! Just like the presidential family before him, Kennedy has somehow become a cursed icon. The guy is more over than the sun and moon combined, to which the writers grew a brain and gave him the Money in the Bank. He then gets injured and hands the case over to Edge, thus sacrificing his supposed Wrestlemania 24 Main Event spot.
 
Upon returning he's drafted to RAW. Great. He puts Bobby "'bastard' is the greatest comeback ever" Lashley out of action. Even better. His popularity doesn't falter in the slightest despite a series of so-so matches. Brilliant! So what does he do? He buys some growth hormones. That's bad enough on its own, but despite being subjected to the most lenient drugs policy in the history of mankind, Kennedy somehow manages to forget his get-out-of-jail-free card by not obtaining a prescription!
This of course sees him suspended and left out of the illegitimate son angle, which would have launched his career to new heights. Some of his bad luck was beyond his control, some of it not, but Kennedy should definitely be kicking himself with said clown shoes.
 
Anthony Dean: Ken Kennedy's 2007 has been one giant blooper real. Dude wins MITB at Wrestlemania, says he's going to cash it in and main event next Wrestlemania, then gets put on the shelf with a huge injury that turns out to be not quite as huge as previously thought, but not before losing his title shot to Edge. He returns a month later and looks to be in line to become Mr. McMahon's illegitimate son, all but insuring him not only a main event push, but lifetime employment with the company the likes of only HHH and Stevie Richards know. During this time, he goes on his blog and talks about how there are no steroids in wrestling, and anyone who thinks so is simply digging for scandal that's just not there. He then proceeds to get busted for receiving a shitload of anabolic steroid supplements over the internet as late as last April, after contending the Wellness Policy made him turn his life around quit using them two years ago. He gets suspended for 30 days, and this comes not two weeks before the culmination of the illegitimate son angle in his hometown. Anyway, the spot goes to Hornswoggle, Kennedy's now a floundering midcard jobber, and the rest, much like his career probably will be, is history!
 
Neil Cathan: John Cena never dropping it in the ring. Shawn tought him afew tricks when they were tagging together. If Cena hadn't been injured, he was gonna come out on next week's RAW having lost his smile, and dropping the title without having to get pinned in the ring.
 
Charley Martin: Umm, Nowinski did a good thing. Just when we thought things couldn't get worse for Lex Luger... TNA as an entity unto itself wins it though. They were just one big ridiculous last year. Where my snazzy bullet points at?
  • Pacman is useless.

  • So is Rikishi.

  • Test? Yep, basically.

  • The 'Kishi non-contract debacle.

  • Samoa Joe rides the hamster wheel to nowhere all damn year.

  • And just because we can, lets send him out to “shoot” on Scott Hall and then punish him for it. Then we'll have him and Nash get in a fight over it only to reveal that it's all a setup.

  • One for next year's awards show courtesy of your friendly neighborhood rumor mill: Then lets have Joe and Nash form an odd couple tag team and have them win the gold because we have at least four actual far more worthy tag teams. It'll be totally unique even though NOBODY ELSE GETS ALONG IN TNA, not to mention they've had two odd couple tag team champs in a row up north and at least three in the last 12 months. Regardless, Joe will get buried one way or another, so it's a win-win situation! FUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!

  • Jobbing the promising Rellik character and talent behind the mask constantly to protect Black Reign.

  • Not burying Black Reign.

  • Making both Black Reign AND Dustin Rhodes heels. FUUUCK!!!!!!!!

  • Abyss vs. James Mitchell and his army of people we know from other places dressed up as freaks.

  • I'm going to go ahead and call this one for next year too: Feeding Kaz, who is THIS close to the main event, to Black Reign. Don't need a rumor to see what's going to happen with this. He'll be whining while falling out of shape and jobbing in 6 months, right “Paunchy Wildcat” Chris Harris?

“Paunchy Wildcat” Chris Harris: Bite my beer gut.

Winner: TNA! TNA! TNA!

 
Matt Folger: What awful luck for DH. After getting a decent reaction JUST for being who he is, he goes and proves that the needle doesn't fall far from the vericosed vein and gets busted for the behavior his dad died from. Then, on top of all that, it happens RIGHT when the WWE has started announcing the names of performers suspended for Wellnes violations. Too bad he didn't have a title match coming up, and at least he wasn't slated to be the star of a huge angle.....angle.
 
Canadian Bacon: Randy Orton wrestled a Hotel Room? What a boring match that must have been. Unless it was the hotel from the Shining. Anyways, hopefully after he was done grinding a bed that you put quarters into with devastating and unforgiving headlocks, he called up Ric Flair right after who helped him clean up and sweep, only to then wrestle that very BROOM on the spot and show Randy how it's done, because as reputed, he carries them to at least 4 star matches. Hopefully.


16)DON'T GO AWAY MAD...JUST GO AWAY. (For wrestler or TV wrestling personality you'd most want GONE from Wrestling)
Nominees: Khali; Mark Henry; Vickie Guerrero; Kelly Kelly; Miz; Jeff Jarrett; Kevin Nash; Team 3D; Hardcore Holly; Cody Rhodes; John Cena; Batista; Snitsky; Chuck Pulambo; Michelle McCool; Ashley Massaro; The Boogeyman; Vince McMahon; Bobby Lashley; Big Daddy V; Jonathan Coachman; Mr. Kennedy; Hornswoggle; Teddy Long; Michael Cole; VKM; Don West; Mike Tenay; Ashley;
 
Sean Carless: You know, I don't think I'd lose too much sleep if Russo, Mantell and Jarrett all found themselves on the losing end of a umm, "reverse employment" match? Sounds about right.
 
Derek Burgan: As much as I like the current Vikie/Edge dynamic, I wouldn’t lose sleep at all if WWE just gave her a lifetime check and let her raise her daughters in peace. Unfortunately there aren’t too many feel good stories in wrestling…
 
Justin Shapiro: Can I vote for the entire Total Nonstop Action company and, indeed, anyone who likes it?
 
James Walker: Ashley Massaro. While most of the people on this list annoy me to no ends, ALL of them, at one point or another, has done something I enjoyed. (Sue me. Seeing Edge and Vickie Guerrero making out was one of the most hilariously uncomfortable things I’ve watched all year.) However, the only time I like Ashley is when she gets injured. Actually, that means I should like her more than, say, sex. (Did I just imply that Ashley Massaro gets injured more often than I get laid? No? Cool.)
 
Point is, she’s frail, and not in the “here, I’ll listen to you whine about your boyfriend as I slip GHB in to your Smirnoff Ice” sort of way. She’s frail in the “If I had sex with you, I believe you would somehow contract Lupus” sort of way. And if there’s one thing I know, it’s that Lupus is a horrible thing. Fucking Lupus.
 
Catherine Perez: Lots of good choices here... allow me to go for a SWERVE~! and pick Hardcore Holly. I don't get it; this guy's had career-threatening injury after career-threatening injury, and yet there he is, STILL on TV, boring me to death! This time around, he's brought along Cody "Default Create-A-Wrestler" Rhodes for the Ride of Ultimate Apathy. For fuck's sake, Bob will never make it to the main event. His perpetual struggle to make it to the top is starting to give me diarrhea.
 
Joe Merrick: Mark Henry. When is WWE going to learn that no one wants to see his fat bastard face sweating all over their TV? You see enough of this kind of guy in brutally bad porn films, never mind manhandling and burying wrestlers we actually give two shits about. Smackdown would only benefit if this fuckwit were put to fucking rest.
 
Michael Melchor: There’s a long list of these nominees that would fit this bill, but I have to go with a personal choice of the guy I want to see gone the most, and that would be The Miz.  Someone please.  Get him.  THE FUCK.  OFF Of MY TELEVISION SET.
 
Cameron Burge: If I could just package them all up like some kind of horrifying Wrestling Fruitcake and send them to the Mars to let the aliens decide what to do with them, it would be all the better. Instead, I think I'll pick just one to lay this shameful award on. Can we even really call these awards anymore? It's more like a glaring Stamp of disapproval than anything else. Let me see, I could pick Hornswoggle, who's very existence makes me often want to rip the cornea's from my eye sockets and throw them at the television out of anger, but I think I'll go with the more economical decision. Vince McMahon. By eliminating him, I pretty much fix all the other problems automatically (except for that little issue with the horrible writing staff). After having feuded with ECW and then Trump, blowing himself up, rising from the grave, discovering he had a bastard child, and revealing it to be a midget..I'm pretty much tired of Vince. I've had Vince for over a full year and that's more McMahon than I can fucking handle. So please, Vince...Get the F out.
 
Gershon Levy: Any of the above who are/were on ECW get a strong vote from me.  They can all take credit in me no longer being able to watch the damn show anymore (and I would have stopped much sooner if not for writing the recap for it).
 
Anvil's Swagbag: If we removed each and every person from the above list, wrestling would actually be moderately watchable again. The only thing I'd keep is Kevin Nash. Dude is hilarious, fuck you.

As for the worst? Has to be The Miz. And before you all go, '...but Anvil, he has improved so much! He's coming on in leaps and bounds!'. You are right. But he still has a face that is a cross between a weasel and a penis. I hate him and I hope he dies of cancer. And then I hope he is resurrected so that I can laugh at him for dying of cancer. And then stab him in the face.
 
British Bullfrog: How the FUCK has Miz managed to make it to another Fanny Award Ballot. I voted for that overly cheerful prick last year and felt sure I'd never have to think of him again. But here he is, like a cross between a cockroach and a kids TV presenter, he could survive a nuclear holocaust and still be happy as a fucking bean. I really really hope he dies in a house fire, there I said it.

That's comedy, folks.
 
Sixth Child: Vickie Guerrero. Yes, I admire her for stepping up after Eddie's death, but for Christ's sake, her voice (which is worse than Stephanie McMahon and Sharmell having a sing-off to Candice Michelle's theme music) and her on-camera demeanor shit me to no end. And if I can just put on my Queer Eye hat for just one second, is the wardrobe department at WWE completely blind? The woman is not built for figure-hugging pants (that make her look like a contender for the Kentucky Derby) and low-cut tops (that show off more cleavage than Big Daddy V).
Special mention goes to Chavo Guerrero (wow, I really have it in for this family) whose uselessness (on the mic, mat or otherwise) rivals the Great Khali. By going through with the Eddie Guerrero saga it proved that without Latino Heat, Chavo is like David Spade without Chris Farley; alone and useless.
 
Anthony Dean: I actually like the Great Khali, he's the WWE's greatest joke ever. His matches are funnier than any skit, and I do include Hornswoggle's hi-LARIOUS Roadrunner antics in that assessment. Although I will admit, the joke does tend to lose a bit of it's humor when he wins a world title or, say, kills someone.
Oh yeah, I vote Vickie. Can't WWE just stick her in some desk job or something? I mean, yeah, I see her value in making the Divas look that much better by comparison, but, come on. Overkill.
 
Neil Cathan: Well, seeing as how Russo's not on this list...I'll go with Don West. Anytime, and I mean ANYTIME. I start enjoying a TNA PPV that I'm recapping, (Shill folks!), his voice brings me right back to how shitty certain aspects of the show are.
 
Charley Martin: Sweet Daddy Charley with the dreaded kidney punch to Kip James and his stupid bi-curious head wrap thing! 44 year old guys aren't supposed to wear those. Maybe no guys are.
 
Matt Folger: You. Forgot. About. Me. Mr. Carless. What. I. Will. Do. To. You. Is. Something. You. Will. Never. Forget. Now. Get. Out. Of. My. Hotel. Room. (loud crash) [/Orton]
 
Canadian Bacon: Chris Benoit. Do you see him anywhere anymore? Don't doubt my stroke in this industry.


17)Who's "Necks-t"? (Award for wrestler most likely to get injured)
Nominees: Kevin Nash; Kelly Kelly; Kelly Kelly's opponents; The Great Khali; Khali’s opponents; anyone facing Ken "Final Destination" Kennedy; Triple H; Mark Henry; Vince McMahon; Jeff Hardy; Abyss; Batista; Edge; HBK, Ric Flair (if only for the bumps he takes at his age);
 
Sean Carless: Kevin Nash is the obvious choice. But strangely, he only seems to suffer "career threatening" injuries in the days leading up to Pay-per-views that he's scheduled to lose at. WHAT ARE THE ODDS. And why doesn't anyone ever witness these "injuries" first hand? Perhaps they all take place in Rio De Janeiro? After all, they always seem to get all the best non-televised matches there! Ahem.
 
Derek Burgan: Apparently Matt Hardy is cursed, so I’d look for him to go down immediately after coming back from his appendix dealie.
 
Justin Shapiro: Well, didn't every headliner in WWE get injured this year except for .......... Batista?!  Whoa.  Batista, the Perpetually Wounded Animal?  Batista, the guy who tore his bicep jogging?  "Dead man walking," gonged the haunting opening strains of the Undertaker's "Rollin'" entrance.
 
James Walker: Kevin Nash, only because TNA is too cheap to give him a rental car, and it’s a long walk from his hotel to Universal Studios.
 
Catherine Perez: I would have voted for Ashley this year, but her Survivor: China stint has been the greatest early Christmas present of all year. That being said, I vote for Kevin Nash. He's about due for another quad tear at this time of year, isn't he? I hear the cold winter air stiffens the bones. Wait. He's in Florida. Well, at least I can count on the cool, summery breeze to at least knock a femur out of place, right?
 
Joe Merrick: How about we combine two of the nominees and say Khali Khali’s opponents? Yes, these poor souls are in certain danger of falling victim, perhaps even being KILLED by this giant waste of space’s attempts to power bomb them, and worst of all, are then subjected to the most mind-numbingly boring striptease ever to defile an airwave. I think I just imagined the single worst wrestler ever.
 
Michael Melchor: Based solely on the track record of this year’s World Champions, I think Randy Orton has a bull’s eye painted on his ass.  He’d better pray he loses that belt in the ring instead of having to take a forced 8-month vacation like so many others before him have.
 
Cameron Burge: You mean Kevin Nash is actually healthy at the moment? It's a Christmas Miracle. I would say Khali's opponents, but as we all know they tend to end up with a light case of dead, rather than injured so I'm placing my money on anyone who's facing Ken "Final Destination" Kennedy. I'm pretty sure I saw that movie too.
http://imageigloo.com/images/4660FinalDestination.jpg It takes a lot of skill to injure one's opponents with more consistence than Lita and effectively end the seemingly endless odd surmounting of both John Cena AND Bobby Lashley. He even managed to get himself suspended in the process, all while fervently denying that steroids exist in wrestling. Now that's what I call multitasking.
 
Gershon Levy: Geez you can flip a coin on this list.  I’m willing to bet one or more of them goes down before the Royal Rumble.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: The Miz, if I ever see him and happen to have something sharp and pointy with me. RIGHT IN THE PENISSY WEASEL FACE.
 
British Bullfrog: Giving Jeff Hardy this award is like giving a man covered in gasoline at a fireworks display an award for Most Likely To Be Set Alight, it's unfair because he's putting far too much effort in to it himself. No, this one has to be given to HHH, I think he keeps getting injured like this cos he just likes all the video packages. Dick.
 
Sixth Child: Khali's opponents, or anyone standing near Layla, Kelly Kelly and some pumpkin pie.
Special mention goes to anyone facing the Miz. Ironically, even with those three walking blowjobs following him around, he still royally sucked all on his own.
 
Anthony Dean: If death counts as an injury, anyone who gets in the ring with Khali.
 
Neil Cathan: Chris Benoit. Have you seen the bumps that guy takes on his head and neck post neck surgery. I tell, the man's INSANE to take those kind of bumps. Or, alternatively anyone who plays with the Benoit action figure.

I reckon there's some sort of choking hazard there.
 
Charley Martin: Kelly Kelly's opponents are in mortal danger every time they step in the ring with her. Damn dude, she's only 20. Send her to Skinner for a year. What, for training. What'd you think I meant? Ohh... wha? I don't get it. :/

Winner: Kelly Kelly's Opponents

Intermission... Final-fucking-ly.
So many freakin' awards. T.T

 
Matt Folger: Which one of these guys is slated to win the World Heavyweight title? That's always a good horse to bet on. If that fails, Kevin Nash. Now when to hold 'em, grandpa!
 
Canadian Bacon: I hope it's not The Animal Batista. I've seen first hand what vets do to injured animals. And unlike gerbils and such, finding another replacement Batista might be hard. I mean, how many tall muscley wrestlers in developmental know how to do spinebusters? You can't teach that. You either have it or you don't!!!11


18)"EVEN WE'RE EMBARRASSED TO BE FANS. US!" (event or angle that is so terrible or tasteless, even we don't approve)
Nominees: Hornswaggle;  Edge/Vickie; "Feast or Fired"; Cena/K-Fed, Pac-Man Jones;  Vince McMahon's "death"; denying GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED's existence, Team 3D burying the X Division, Teddy Long and Krystal's Wedding; Kurt Angle Stalks And Eventually Attacks Sting's Son For Ridiculously Convoluted Reasons; The Angle Thanksgiving Dinner; "Trump vs. Rosie; Reverse Battle Royal; Kurt Angle berates wife and daughter a few weeks after GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED murders his family; Long's Viagra induced Heart Attack; The Diva Search; Marco Mero & Debra on TV talk shows;
 
Sean Carless: I'm offended that any man on earth would need Viagara to have sex with Krystal Marshall. I don't care if I was 50, you could use the erection I'd have to springboard the entire Korean Olympic team to another series of diving Gold Medals. I'm telling you.
 
That said, Kurt Angle stalking Sting's son was pretty offensive. But only because the little snotshit didn't have a PAINTED FACE. What kind of pack of lies is this? I want and expect EVERY SINGLE Sting family member to have a painted face. But mostly because I want a Family Guy-esque father/daughter "too much make-up" moment between Sting Sr. and Stingette:
 
Sting: "Wash that crap off your face right now, young lady! You're a Stinger. Not a whore".
 
Derek Burgan: Mark Mero would have been the perfect person for radio shows, because unfortunately his great message is lost when you look at his face. Who would have thought he would end up having more useless plastic surgery than his ex-wife Sable? INCONCIEVABLE~!
 
Justin Shapiro: Gah, why does Horn Swoggle act like a five-years-old boy just because he's a midget (he's a little person! [he's a damn troll! {HE'S A LEPRECHAUN, MICHAEL!}])????  And if he really is some kind of small magical child, then why does he try to rape women?  And why is his face always covered in soot?  Is that from all the Mischief?
 
James Walker: Now, picture this. Let’s say you’re in your late twenties. You work in a business that’s incredibly had to get in to, and takes years of training. However, you’re finally making headway, and you work for the second biggest company in the country for said business. You have a steady paycheque, and if you keep on working hard, you might end up on top. You have a family to feed, bills to pay. People in your business came and go, and seeing as there’s no form of pension or social security, you’re forced to work as long as possible.
 
Now, let’s say your boss gives you a 25% chance of getting canned, losing your livelihood, your career. If you lose that, the bill collectors will come, your wife might leave you, you’ll have to pay child support, you’ll slide further down into a financial hole where you’re willing to do anything, even sign a legends contract and look like a beached whale while wrestling as a tag team with Ric Flair… or a 75% chance to make a few extra bucks for a month or two?
 
The point is, this was a ridiculous concept, that PUNISHED SUCCESS. It’s reasons like this why people ridicule TNA. Oh, and their complete and utter lack of continuity. That too.
 
Catherine Perez: Nothing screamed "THIS SUCKS~!" this year quite like Fake Trump vs. Fake Rosie did. That match was a kind of awful that not even the real Trump and Rosie could fix, a kind of awful that would have had Wrestlecrap want to consider a name change to Wrestlecompletefuckingshit, and a kind of awful that could cause worldwide irritable bowel syndrome. I'm glad the real Rosie had nothing to do with the Wrestlemania build-up; Lord knows how many fat jokes would have been uttered to the point of me wanting to heal my earache with battery acid.
 
Joe Merrick: The Feast or Fired match. The sure-fire way to make a match type lose credibility is to stick a fucking pole in it. The very least they could do is stick an ACTUAL Pole in the corner. As in, a dude who’s from Poland. Ivan Putski stood by the turnbuckle with a briefcase on his head? Prompting athletes to clamber awkwardly to the prize? That’s just comedy right there.
 
And just to spice it up a notch, winner opens the case…AND THERE’S A POLE INSIDE. This pole is then used to fish the championship belt/pink slip/title shot/herpes out of a nearby canal, and my God it is fun pretending to be Vince Russo.
 
Michael Melchor: No sooner than Ken Kennedy become a 2-time award winner (for me) in one year than he has to be trumped by Chris Benoit.  Let’s overlook the obvious – that we’re now seen as cheering a “fake sport” that features a child killer.  Let’s, instead, look at the fact that the incomparable, the wrestler’s wrestler, turned out to be the biggest fucking coward to compete in any sport, “fake” or not.  People deal with shit bigger and badder than this every day; I don’t see any of them offing themselves. 
 
We can talk about concussions and medications and the hows and whys all day, but I’ve only ever forgiven one person in my life that I knew committed suicide.  And his name is not Chris Benoit.
 
Cameron Burge: I can't even begin to explain the look on the faces of my friends and family when I told them I had spent two hours the previous night recapping a show that featured Vince McMahon finding out his bastard child was in fact an Irish Midget who lives underneath the ring and plays Looney Tunes style tricks on everyone. It was worse than the Benoit reaction which was completely backwards since everyone told ME about it. Like I wouldn't already know. This was worse. This was far worse. I don't think wrestling can ever live the shame of this down since it's attached to McMahon until he finds a way to unwrite it somehow. He better get creative to work on that fucking Delorian right now.
 
Gershon Levy: The Donald vs. Rosie was one of the worst segments probably ever but even that was “trumped” (haha that was good) by Benoit being completely erased like as if Vince McMahon used that thing from “Men in Black” but it didn’t work on the audience.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Lets be honest. This is the first year in my history of wrestling fandom that I have gone out of my way NOT to watch Wrestling. After a long hiatus, I decided to throw some wrestling on, just to see, you know? And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but the fakest heart attack I have ever seen. Teddy Long's acting, in fact, was so diabolical, that my girlfriend actually started watching the show with me. MY GIRLFRIEND WATCHES SHIT LIKE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. So, to the WWE, I must say congratulations. You have converted the only girl in the world who thought Gigli was oscar-worthy. THATS HOW MUCH YOU SUCK.
 
British Bullfrog: Hornswaggle, Hornswaggle a thousand times Hornswaggle. I occasionally try to convince my friends and loved ones that wrestling is a credible entertainment product. Sometimes I even get close to making them see things my way, but I never can quite get passed the whole "is that midget dressed as a leprechaun?" thing.
 
Sixth Child: The "Donald Trump" vs. "Rosie O'Donnell" "match". The one night my dad decides to sit down and watch RAW with me it's the episode where Vince decides to hire two ACTORS who look NOTHING LIKE TRUMP AND ROSIE to WRESTLE. I then got the whole "how can you watch this shit?" speech from my dear old dad, to which I looked him straight in the eye and said "You know something? I don't know." It seriously made me question why I keep spending my time and money voluntarily watching this stuff, when all it does is embarrass me and the majority of wrestling fans. I decided to do something about it by joining the TWF team, where today I air my grievances to an estimated grand total of 17 people. TAKE THAT McMAHON!
 
Anthony Dean: Marc Mero, Steve Blackman, Debra, and the rest of that sorry group who made the rounds for months following the Benoit murders. Great job convincing the world you were all once big draws and that us fans love you dumb motherfuckers. I mean, when I have to watch Dr Heiny on Raw, fine, it's shit, but I'm cool with that. But when stuff like Trump vs Rosie airs on ET and Hornswoggle attacking Sharmell on St Patricks Day airs on The Soup and Debra flaunts her crazy all over the news, well I mean, that's the stuff that people who know I watch wrestling see and think I enjoy.
 
Neil Cathan: Trump vs Rosie. That was just apalling. Though I did get the entertainment of how much the crowd hated it. And how very vocal they were. Good thing it didn't go down in the Carolinas. Otherwise we'd know they didn't like it because they were silent. You can tell that they like things there by a slightly different tone of silence. Charlie Haas is the best at interperuting silence.
 
Charley Martin: I have to go with Kurt Angle stalking Sting's son. We never even found out what kind of damage he did. It must not have been too bad though, considering all those side headlock takeovers Sting used in his title defense against Angle with that retarded ending from iMPACT!... Somehow, the idea that he didn't really injure the Stinger jr. actually makes the whole thing worse though. FUCK! No buys!

Winner: Kurt Angle Stalks And Eventually Attacks Sting's Son For Ridiculously Convoluted Reasons

 
Matt Folger: I forever have an image burned in me of a 5 foot tall old black man standing naked in the middle of a bedroom screaming "I'll just take these and then get real hard for ya', playa! Oh, you not gonna work for me now, is that it? Well guess what, playa? You gon' face THE UNDERTAKER!"
 
Canadian Bacon: Feast or Fired. Mostly because it all turned out to be one big RIP OFF stipulation that never really delivered. I mean, sure someone got fired, but where was the FEAST? I expected a glorious medieval spread of giant hambones and platters of grapes, and then NOTHING. What a Gyp.


19)"HOW ABOUT SOME CLEARASIL FOR THAT BACK?!" Award for most obvious Steroid job
Nominees: The Glamazon; Snitsky; Test; Batista; Bobby Lashley; Scott Steiner; Petey Williams; John Morrison; HHH; Vince McMahon;
 
Sean Carless: Well, if this year has proven anything at all, umm, everybody? You know, the moment FUNAKI gets outed as a fucking gas-head, it's time to maybe reevaluate your hard-line on who is or isn't on Steroids. Holy shit.
 
Derek Burgan: Snitsky hands-down is the number one reason WWE should avoid filming in HD, ever.
 
Justin Shapiro: I think Signature Pharmacy provided some definitive answers to what's usually been a speculative question.  (The answer, as it turns out, is 'anyone in pro wrestling.')
 
James Walker: Since when is someone named “Petey” so ripped? Shouldn’t he change his name to something tough, like Skull, or Bebop? If someone told me I was wrestling Petey Williams, I wouldn’t think it was some jacked dude from Canada. I’d think it was, the kid who pees his pants in grade 3.
 
Catherine Perez: Vince McMahon. What 62-year-old have you ever seen with the ability to almost grow new quads after blowing both of them out only weeks before? Yeah, yeah, I know that didn't happen this year, but the fact that it did happen will have me voting for Vinnie Mac in this category every damn year.
 
Joe Merrick: I can’t think it to be more obvious than to be, you know, BUSTED for it. So, John Morrison I guess.
 
Michael Melchor: This award, for me, has multiple winners: every single damned fool that was suspended once their names turned up on the list of customers of Signature Pharmacy.  That’s right – from King BooKAH and now-technically-three-time-in-one-year-winner Ken Kennedy all the way down to John Morrison (“he took gonad medicine, yo” – thanks, Adrian!) and Funaki (?!!?!?).  Every one of you should give yourselves a pat on the back and feel all the pimples, you dumb bastards.
 
Cameron Burge: Ah Snitsky, king of the Backne and Frontne. I swear, that guys got zits on his fucking head he roids so bad, but that's not who I'm giving the award to, oh no. The Glamazon doesn't use Steroids, she just adds the muscle mass of all the men she devours into her own body. Like The Blob, only with bigger tits. As for the award, I think Scott Steiner should be disqualified for "DUUUUUH" purposes and we can move right on to HHH. I recall that on the "Show that Never Happened" Benoit Tribute, he had a bear gut the size of most NHL fans. Then just a short time later, he pops up with six pack abs and those sagging biceps are bulging more than ever. I call bullshit, and hard. If Triple H isn't juicing, I'm the king of England, in which case I want Joe to get his ass over here and grovel at my feet right damn now.
 
Gershon Levy: How about anyone who got suspended this year?  This was a big year for steroid use being exposed among athletes everywhere.  From this list, I give special props to John Morrison who had to drop the ECW title for the above mentioned suspension.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: FACT:- Scott Steiner is the only man in the world who has HGH on tap. He drinks it through the eye so as to get it into the bloodstream quicker.
 
British Bullfrog: I think we can all agree that after years of constant steroid abuse, Vince McMahons "grapefruits' have surely dropped their last syllable.
 
Sixth Child: God, it's like asking whose tits look the most fake at a porn convention. Eenie meenie bacne Snitsky.
 
Anthony Dean: All of the above. And Funaki earns the award for most hilarious steroid use. What, he thinks the reason he's not pushed is because he's a cruiserweight? No, it's because he's fucking Funaki. Also because he's short and Japanese and a cruiserweight, but still.
 
Neil Cathan: John Morrison's torso of terrifying roids. Seriously, the guy must have steroid-os for breakfast or something.
 
Charley Martin: Like best politician being Triple H for life, this award belongs to Scott Steiner for life. Bobby and Maple Leaf Petey are damn jacked, but their muscle doesn't look unnatural, at least compared with the rest of the guys on the list. So for the sake of going in a different direction, lets go with... John Morrison, since he's the only one who actually got suspended for violating those *totally* legit policies.

Winner: John Morrison

 
Matt Folger: Triple H needs to find the guy who keeps messing with his Create-A-Wrestler Girth button and bury him already. Each week it looks like he's going through menstration-esque weight fluctuations. "I'm so bloated, Steph. I just wanna sit on the couch and watch WM19 again. Just a me day, y'know? When's the last time I had that, huh? Oh...right."
 
Canadian Bacon: CM Punk. We already know he has an ongoing war with addiction (competition) so it's not too farfetched to assume that he might graduate onto drugs as well! I means, it's not like he lives by some code or something that prohibits that kind of behavior or anything. All we know about him is that he puts people to sleep by kneeing them in the head (I prefer Sleep EZ myself, less thunderous pain) and that he's a slave to his urges as far as competition goes. It true. I heard that he JONESES for it, and when he didn't get a fix he went and stole money from Maria's purse and she'd find him passed out in the living room later that night covered in scrabble pieces. His urges quenched for one night, but not forever! It's an ongoing battle. My heart goes out to him.

20)EVEN MARLEE MATLIN COULD HEAR THAT: (for wrestler or diva with the most irritating voice)
Nominees: Vickie Guerrero; Jillian Hall; Kennedy... Kennedy; Don West; The Great Khali; John Cena; Batista; Michael Cole; Jesse; Bobby Lashley; Black Reign; Jerry Lawler; Stephanie; Michelle McCool;
 
Sean Carless: I've warmed up to Don West somewhat. Now I only want him to die in a reasionable level of discomfort. My choice though is Michael Cole. But mostly because he vehemently refuses to ever say the word "head" on WWE Television. I can just picture him going to a prostitute:
 
Cole: "So, $100 for full intercourse?".
Whore: "Yup".
Cole: "What if I just wanted some Skull?"
Whore: "..."
 
Derek Burgan: Who can take Bobby Lashley seriously with that voice? I mean, c’mon!
 
Justin Shapiro: Triple H has a good delivery and all, but his jokes really do suck.  SUCK DICKS MORE LIKE!  (GAY!)
 
James Walker: Jillian Hall is SUPPOSED to be annoying, so I won’t give her the nod. (I would, however give her the knob. But I digress.) However, I wouldn’t fuck Bobby Lashley… nor would I want to hear the guy speak. For a dude who looks like he could rip your balls off with a swift kick to your elbow, he talks like a bigger pussy than Garfield at an Italian whorehouse. But, you know, it’s not such a problem. He could go out and get a manager. I’d suggest Michael Hayes, because southern white guys have a long history of telling large black men how to succeed in life.
 
Catherine Perez: Black Reign. If a "Worst Gimmick of the Year" is introduced next year, I'm going to vote for Black Reign every time - but I digress. First, we're subjected to listening to Black Reign's "alter-ego" Dustin Rhodes whine and bitch about how we don't understand that "I CAN'T CONTROL BLACK REIGN, Y'ALL~!" <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NM6b72-eKM" target="_blank">in that fucking televangelist voice of his</a>. THEN, as if that's not bad enough, here comes Black Reign with his silver double-chin and hooker wig, speaking in a voice that tells us he only just smoked 8,000 packs of cigarettes in the last minute, talking about random stupidities like coming over to play. Ugh.
 
Joe Merrick: After hearing Jillian’s Jingles on Wrestlecrap, I can safely say that Ms. Hall has finally managed to define an ‘indescribable’ voice. That definition being ‘Ruby Wax high on helium and cocaine, hailing for a cab with the thumb shoved up her own ass’.
 
Michael Melchor: Even though I’d wax that ass like Rain Dance, Jillian Hall easily takes this one home.  For the pissing, puking, shitting love of GOD, someone get her a new gimmick.  Please.  Like, right now.
 
Cameron Burge: The Great Khali isn't so much irritating as much as he is mind boggling. I believe that everything he says is probably some sort of important code that needs to be cracked. I say we get Tom Hanks or the crew from National Treasure on that and see if we find some gold in those messages. The most annoying voice though, is still owned by Stephanie McMahon and it always will be. Nobody else's voice oozes insincerity in quite the same vein as hers does. Listening to her on Raw XV was more like listening to a recording of a real person that a person actually speaking. They probably could have hooked up a Mac Speak function in the ring and played that behind a cardboard cut out of her and got the same general desired effect, though I doubt Trips would have enjoyed making out with it as much (but, hey I don't know what he's into).
 
Gershon Levy: Is Jillian a little too obvious since that’s part of her gimmick?  I’m gonna throw a curve ball here and give it to Jesse because I HATE when they have to explain something to an audience as if they are complete idiots (wh ich is generally true anyway).  “Watch Festus when the bell rings, because something happens that you don’t want to miss.  That means keep your eyes focused on the big bald doofus when you hear a ring sound and watch as he goes from Eugene to Kane in mere seconds.  By the way, this gimmick is in no way ripped off from Of Mice and Men.  And what the hell is the deal with this Biscuits and Gravy stuff?”
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Bobby Lashley talks like a badly dubbed Japanese film. No matter what emotion his body is portraying, no matter how much anger, or disappointment, or shock he is oozing out through his body language, no matter the rage etched on his face or the subtle tear in his eye... he still consistantly sounds like a nine year old girl.
 
Oh, wait, he can't act either. Bobby Lashley sucks.
 
British Bullfrog: It's weird, after all these years of hating Michael Cole's voice, I seem to have built up a mental block. I'm not even joking, I actually cannot physical hear a word he says. I see his mouth move, but nothing comes out. Bizarre.
 
Sixth Child: Vickie Guerrero (see #16, for which I've already received 413 hate emails).
Special mentions go to Michelle McCool and Torrie Wilson. They're sirens from a parallel universe; they look great but have voices that make you want to join the priesthood.
 
Anthony Dean: HOLY COW I'VE NEVER SEEN AN AWARD LIKE THIS! I GUESS I'LL VOTE FOR DON WEST AND OH MY GOD HE JUST ABSOLUTELY DESTROYED HIM WITH THAT ARM DRAG DID YOU SEE THAT MIKE?!
 
Neil Cathan: Don West. I hope he gets some horrific throat destroying accident in 2008. It'll be hilarious.
 
Charley Martin: It comes down to five people, because some of these people I don't think have annoying voices (McCool) or have occasional redeeming qualities (Don West IS funny sometimes). What's left are Vickie Guerrero, Jillian Hall, Khali, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler. Ehhh, Khali is unintelligible, VG is squawky, Cole has less volume CONTROL than DW (well...), Lawler is gets into tolerable range occasionally, so he's out. I guess Jillian has to win though. Nobody else's voice on this list is actually physically painful to listen to. Jillian Hall's voice rapes my eardrums with the force of a thousand suns.

Winner: Jillian Hall

 
Matt Folger: Batista sounds like a drunken Indian cheif who REALLY fuckin' hates basketballs. And Lashley is what would happen if Goldberg were a black muppet. But I just have one quote to sum up my winner: "Hurry, man, hurry! Get the cameras out there NOW!!"
 
Canadian Bacon: Abyss. Does that guy ever shut up?!!!



21)"SPEAKING OF MARLEE MATLIN, WE ALL SHOULD BE SO LUCKY" (worst theme music)
Nominees: Biscuits and Gravy, Candice Michelle TECHNO REMIX; Miz; Melina; John Cena; King Booker; William Regal; Hornswoggle; Donald Trump; The Sandman; John Morrison; Stephanie McMahon;
 
Sean Carless: Candice, easy. Every time I hear that techno shit, I feel like I should be rave dancing with Neo and Trinity along with 10,000 other potato-sack wearing electrode-nubbin covered dudes in the new Zion.
 
Derek Burgan: The Sandman’s new music had to be everything that his Enter Sandman music wasn’t. Boring, weak, and couldn’t get you excited for a match even if someone was stuffing $100 bills down your pants.
 
Justin Shapiro: MOVE YOUR BODY MOVE YOUR BODY MOVE YOUR BODY
 
James Walker: Candice Michelle. You know, the theme was lame before, but when you added the CLUBBIN’ BEATZ, you crossed the line of “gay, but works for a chick” to “gay, but works for a gay”.
 
Catherine Perez: ALL. EYES. ON. ME. MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME~! Let's hope this song marks the first and last time that Candice Michelle contacts anyone to remix her music. House DJs Scooter and Lavelle are on my shitlist for the rest of eternity for making this shit, and should be arrested for aural rape.
 
Joe Merrick: I’m gonna go with The Glamazon. Johnston has really excelled himself this year and has actually accomplished the unthinkable: Created the most generic theme known to the entire human race
 
Michael Melchor: I have to give this one to Petey Williams because he got robbed.  Whereas AJ Styles got a cool, slowed-down version of his already-awesome music once he turned heel, Petey got a blink-and-you-miss-it riff of “O Canada” before the music breaks off into this generic, shitty, “not-even-fit-for-a-WWF-Wrestling-Challenge-jobber” theme.  Makes sense, though, as Petey Williams has since been booked as a generic, shitty, “not-even-fit-for-a-WWF-Wrestling-Challenge-jobber”wrestler.
 
Cameron Burge: I'm still waiting for Morrison to change his theme song to "Now You're a Man.": "What make a man? Is it the woman in his arms? Just cause she has big titties? Or is it the way he fights every day? ....No, it's probably the titties." Still, Hornswoggle's makes my ears bleed. I'm not sure if it's because it's god awful generic crap or if it's because I just hate him so very much, but either way I want the man who made that music dead. It's made even more unbearable by the knowledge that whenever I hear it, someone's leg is about to be humped by an unkempt little midget. How wonderful. Couldn't we just change his outfit a little and switch his theme up to The Lollipop Guild song from Wizard of Oz? Even that would be more bearable than that.
 
Gershon Levy: The Canvas Michelle techno remix.  Horse faces dancing club style?  No thanks.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: ...can I just not do the ones I don't give a rats ass about?

Gah, fine. The Sandman's music sucked. Vince is a cheapass.
 
British Bullfrog: The Miz. Just cos it's him and I'd be sick in his mouth if he ever tried to kiss me.
 
Sixth Child: Candi… Can, Can, Can, Can, Candi… Can, Can, Can, Can, Candi… Can, Can, Can…
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNKKKKKKKKKK.
All eyes on mememememememememememememememememememememe...
Candi… Can, Can, Can, Can…
BANJO… HANDS UP…. BANJO… HANDS UP… BANJO… HANDS UP…
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNKKKKKKKKKK.
(repeat for 7 minutes)

And Candice Michelle willingly tells people she mixed this song herself? She knows scratching a CD doesn't constitute mixing a song, right?
 
Anthony Dean: John Morrison. I mean, we know the guy's a Jim Morrison knock off, we KNOW that. Why try to hide it with a faux Jimi Hendrix entrance music? Honorable mention goes to Biscuits and Gravy, who I think is the same singer that does Morrison's. Somebody find out that guy's name so we can just rename this award in honor of him.
 
Neil Cathan: Stephanie's music doesn't particularly annoy me. But I'll give it the nod, because when I hear it I know Steph's going to make an appearance. And that's just lame.
 
Charley Martin: I'm not really the right person to make the call on this, because I don't pay much attention to the theme music. Does Melina still use the MNM music? That was about the worst ever. My brain gives way to my wang whenever she appears, so I honestly don't know.  And not to sound like Lord Alfred, but who is Marlee Matlin?

Winner: n/a

 
Matt Folger: I was at a house show in August when I first heard Candice's new (improved?) entrance music. They hadn't played it on TV yet, and I thought maybe they were gonna give her a gimmick where she's a mush-brained raver who's doped up on E during her matches, and everytime you'd go to get on top of her she'd whisper "I think my parent's are home!". Then she'd go to the top rope and be SO high that she......ho-ly SHIT!
 
Canadian Bacon: None. I love Candice's new music. It's full of BEATS and BEATS and it even encourages PARTICIPACTION. It sends  a wonderful message. Her old song? Not so much. It was full of lies or untruths even. It's claim of Too much lovin' never hurt anybody was a falsehood. And I have the blistered penis to prove it. (I keep it in my sock drawer).


22)THE "ARGAIV" AWARD FOR LETDOWN OF THE YEAR. (Get it? Viagra spelled backwards)
Nominees: the ending of "Who killed Vince McMahon"; the payoff of "Who is Vince McMahon's illegitimate Son?"; TNA's SAVE_US.BKR_T;  McMahon vs Trump; Complete lack of subtlety to the Save_Us.222 promos; Cena's Wrestlemania victory; Lashley's ECW title reign; Miz as tag team champion; Team 3D burying X Division; Summerslam 2007;  Great Khali as World Champion; John Cena vs Randy Orton at Unforgiven; HHH wins the WWE Title at No Mercy, just because; Judas Mesias; Batista clinging to the title scene for ages; Cena being booked as Superman again; Oh, and someone named Chris Beniot being a murderer;
 
Sean Carless: The result to the "Who's Vince's Bastard" angle. Somewhere that night, Hector Guerrero, wearing a turkey costume, crying, was scratching his head saying, "Holy shit, was that weak payoff..."
 
But hey, to each their own. If you love watching Carlito running into perfectly symmetrically painted non-existent tunnels, that's your business. All I know is they've already had dynamite and fake holes, so all they need to complete the Looney Tunes circle is to drop an anvil on Vince's head. Just make sure it's Jim Neidhart. That way we know he'll stay dead this time.
 
Derek Burgan: It took me forever to figure out how to move those god damn jigsaw pieces for TNA’s Booker T puzzle. And afterwards I felt just as ripped off as Little Ralphie Parker in A Christmas Story.
[image]
 
Justin Shapiro: I was most legitimately disappointed with Undertaker, Edge, and Cena's great title runs all getting cut short due to injuriez.  Well I mean, Benoit was no picnic either, but come on.  Championship lineages were compromised.
 
James Walker: I’m going to go off the board on this one and actually say CM Punk’s title reign. I’m not saying Punk is a bad wrestler, but I will say he’s being booked to look like a fluke champion. He’s yet to decisively win a feud against someone not named Miz, and has arguably lost feuds… without losing the title. He’s not beyond repair, but for the love of god, let him go 15 minutes with a decent talent, and let him go over clean. Is that so much to ask for?
 
Catherine Perez: I think we all know what's the biggest letdown on this list, but that guy never existed, so I'll vote for the next biggest letdown. "Who is Vince's Son?" could've been Mr. Kennedy's ticket into the main event scene, but he completely fucked up with his denying steroid use in wrestling, then getting busted for the very thing. Unfortunately for all of us, instead of having Triple H be the bastard son and letting every wrestling fan on earth recoil in horror and disgust at the implied incestuous marriage between H and Stephanie, we got something much worse. Featuring an unorthodox lawyer (since when are there riddles in Law?) telling Vince little bits and pieces about his bastard son, we eventually found out there's no gold at the end of the rainbow, because Vinnie Mac's bastard turned out to be none other than Hornswoggle. Now we're all suffering through absolutely awful Wile E. Coyote-inspired backstage antics. Someone help us, please.
 
Joe Merrick: Without a shade of a shadow of a hint of a doubt, The Vince’s Bastard Child story scuttles away on midget legs with this one. This was one of the year’s, if not THE most intriguing storylines, and due to not-exactly-unforeseen-circumstances, became the incredibly poor punch line to a joke that didn’t exist. However what also ruined the story was constant sketches, such as the potential mothers coming out whilst Vince stood in the ring grinning like a big dumb fucking jackass, telling him how awesome he is at sex, because every woman wants to jump his MARROW-LESS BONES.
 
Michael Melchor: Definitely the payoff of "Who is Vince McMahon's illegitimate Son?".  So many possibilities...so many ways this story could have gone...and we get THIS?  Some stupid-ass midget is his kid?  Christ, I actually would have preferred if Triple-H were revealed as the genetic jack-off hammer’s offspring, incest angle or no.  THAT would have, at least, been interesting.
 
Cameron Burge: Can I just put "ECW" and leave it at that? That's pretty much the extent of how much that particular Brand has accomplished. Out of all those listed though, I have to say even though the Hornswoggle reveal would be the biggest let down for many, I actually wasn't surprised by it at all when a friend of mine figured the clues out weeks in advance while I was barely even paying attention. It served to lessen the blow. Instead, I'm putting my vote in for HHH getting a free title reign out of the Cena Title for seemingly no reason other than to make Umaga and Orton looks like complete douche bags in that Orton could only defeat him after he'd already had two other matches. Maybe this was Randy's "Punishment" for having that impromptu match with his hotel furniture.
 
Gershon Levy: Ironically Benoit “killed” the Vince McMahon death angle too.  The illegitimate son angle though was really awful and was a huge rolling of the eyes when we got the payoff.  Try to avoid steroids next time Mr. Kennedy OK?
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Well, I suppose this is the serious bit. I grew up watching Chris Benoit. The guy was one of my heroes. Nothing, NOTHING, could have possibly let me down more than the way he left us. I think Chris Benoit is, at least partially, to blame for the decline in the standard of Wrestling, the downfall of the popularity of Wrestling and for the worst year of Wrestling since Diesels title reign, and probably even before that. So, the two things he loved the most, reportedly; his family and the business. And he hurt them both immeasurably. I'm sorry to one and all, but the man tarnished his entire legacy with one action. Chris Benoit is the biggest letdown in wrestling, not just of this year, but ever.

And yes, that includes Jericho's first title run.
 
British Bullfrog: Agraiv...oh right, Viagra backwards! Bahahahahahha! Viagra of course being something that gets you up, so when reversed would be a let down which is why Viagra spelled backwards is such an apt name for this category, which describes let down not in the physical sense but in a metaphorical sense of being disappointed. Wonderful.

The category? Oh right, Great Khali or something.
 
Sixth Child: Hornswaggle McMahon. Granted, the writers had to come up with something after the Kennedy (self) assassination, but for the love of God. What should have been the angle of the year has somehow fizzled to a series of weekly live-action Looney Tunes cartoons. Thanks WWE.
 
Couldn't they have made the whole Hornswaggle thing a work, with Triple H switching the test results that revealed Kennedy was his real son? Then when Kennedy returned he could have feuded with Triple H, giving us, oh I don't know, some quality matches instead of Cody Rhodes vs. Hardcore Holly #137B? Then Hornswaggle could have gone back to where he belongs; OFF MY FUCKING SCREEN!  
 
Anthony Dean: Anything involving Vince McMahon. He goes crazy, someone murders him... turns out it's not real. (WHAT?!) Then he's got an illegitimate son, IN THE WWE NO LESS... turns out it's Hornswoggle. Now it looks like he's gone crazy again, and I'm half expecting it to lead to a mind control feud with Big Dick Johnson or something.
 
Neil Cathan: TNA clearly directly copying WWE with the Booker T viral advertising. How does Russo stay employed?
 
Charley Martin: Nothing is as big a letdown as murder-suicide. Especially by an icon.

Winner: Chris Benoit

 
Matt Folger: I would like to take this oppurtunity to apologize to all of the things I inadvertently killed after finding out that Hornswoggle was the "BIG" payoff. A Grebil, a Parrot, a good TV, and my neighbor's unborn baby all perished. WWE, I hope you're happy!
 
Canadian Bacon: I don't care for this Judas Mesias. But mostly because he betrayed our Lord Jesus Chris 2000 years ago for 30 pieces of silver in which I hoped he'd use to go and buy some pants because his tiny fiery red underoos startle me.
 
Hopefully, one day Jesus will return in the body of Aaron Aguilera and seek vindication. The sandle will be on the other foot this time, my friend. P.S., get some pants.


23)EVEN OZZY OSBOURNE HAS MORE CREDIBILITY. (Award for the individual who exudes the least amount of real-life credibility in public for whatever reason)
Nominees: Randy Orton; Hulk Hogan, bruther; Vince McMahon; Lillian Garcia (her CD bombing, mistakes in announcing); Ken Kennedy; Eric Bischoff; Marc Mero; Chyna; Batista and his book; Disco Inferno tells us what wrestling is all about; Kurt Angle, for well, everything out of his mouth since leaving WWE;
 
Sean Carless: If I was Kennedy, I'd insist the "Roids" he was denying was in fact hemorrhoids, and then produce an immaculate asshole to back up his point. "SEE, I TOLD YOU." he'll say. Then he'd go stick a syringe in said ass and just claim to onlookers that he was diabetic. DIABETIC.
 
Derek Burgan: Who could ever forget Disco Inferno’s TV and Internet shoots? All of that to get jobbed out immediately. I would say unbelievable, but it should be expected with the way TNA does things.
 
Justin Shapiro: Kurt "rehabbed on the road" Angle does live in a world where the decimal point on Impact's rating is moved one sig dig to the right, but nevertheless: http://www.wrestlingobserver.com/wo/news/headlines/default.asp?aID=20212.
 
James Walker: Without a doubt, Kennedy wins this. You all know the deal: Says he hasn’t done steroids since the indies, takes a hard opposition to all the steroid publicity, then gets caught on Wellness a month or so later. Have you noticed how quickly he shut up after that last part? As a result of his words, no informed fan is ever going to take the guy seriously again, and time will tell how that alters his career. It sounds crazy, but if the fans perception of you changes, then you’re in trouble. Just ask Mel Gibson.
 
Catherine Perez: Marc Mero gets the nod from me. What an asshole; so a guy who never existed offs his nonexistent family and himself, and here comes Mero with his list of 25+ dead wrestlers to invade every cable news show from June to July. Thanks, Marc, as if we needed Johnny B. Badd to save pro wrestling from any further deaths. Of course, it seemed that Mero was only around to put himself over as being that guy who did steroids for a long time but eventually kicked the habit, and with good reason considering he found a new addiction in Botox. The best thing to come of Mero's douchebaggery was Mr. Kennedy calling him a "silly bastard." Other than that, Mero can load his Badd Blaster with actual bullets and shoot himself in the balls.
 
Joe Merrick: Batista may not have a lot of credibility after excusing his affair with another woman by claiming his wife was a lazy cancer victim, but I’ll be damned if he isn’t the most hilarious motherfucker on this nominees list because of it.
Lillian Garcia gets it for me though, for being genuinely irritating with her mistakes. She’s been with the company how long now? And she calls the biggest current star ‘Sean Cena’. You might be able to belt out that national anthem like a determined fucker, Lillian, but God damn I would not trust you to christen my child or even name my fucking dog.
 
Michael Melchor: Ken Kennedy almost won another one...until Hulk Hogan’s son Nick was involved in a car wreck.  From blaming the kid for not wearing his seat belt (What?!  Who was driving there, “Brother”?!) to suddenly “filing for divorce” (So John Graziano’s family can only have a quarter of the family’s assets, perhaps?  Do the math.) and discontinuing “Hogan Knows Best” once some real reality showed up in Hogan’s life.  Man, Karma’s a bitch, innit, Hulk?
 
Cameron Burge: Hulk Hogan. I have one reason and one reason only for this: http://imageigloo.com/images/3875pikachu-e-hulk-hogan_1.jpg.

Once you've done that, your credibility is completely gone. You might as well not even try anymore. Forget that his daughter's CD career just became another spotlight for himself. Forget that his son turned some other kid into a vegetable. Forget that he has the worst showdown with Khali since that guy who died. Forget that his wife is divorcing his organ ass. It's the fucking pikachu. That's what killed the Hulkster's credibility right there. Not the reality show or American Gladiator. Pikachu. Just so you know this isn't just a random pose, this was hulk Hogan appearing as the special guest for POKEMON DAY, which is apparently a real holiday somewhere for some asinine reason. What he was doing there we may never know, but we do know is that they make Pokemon T-shirts that DO fit over those 24 inch pythons...bruther.

Gershon Levy: Hogan has pretty much lost it all at this point.  Reality show star, divorced husband, host of a revived show (because the writers don’t want to work), Rogaine spokesperson, and still occasional appearance on WWE television for pretty much no reason.  Does anyone still cheer for this guy?
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Hulk Hogan has built himself up into a big ball of fuck all credibility. We are used to it from him. Kurt Angle talks complete shit non stop, we expect it from him. Ken Kennedy and Chavo Guerrero , on the other hand, are supposed to be voices for a new generation that haven't competed in the Olympics with broken necks and aren't more orange than Tang. So lets cut the shit, if Ken Kennedy told me tomorrow that he had a six inch cock, I'd instantly assume he had a pussy.
 
British Bullfrog: Vince McMahon: formally a genius of booking who took a small territorial wrestling federation and completely dominated the business, defeating all competitors no matter how formidable. Now, the father of a leprechaun called Hornswoggle who is in fact a 'little person' he has employed to wear a green suit.

Jesus. Christ.
 
Sixth Child: Hulk Hogan, whose match with the Big Show attracted a smaller crowd than an agoraphobia convention. Hogan Knows Best my hairy olive ass. If that didn't bring Mr Bollea back down to earth, I'm sure his son's car accident, his wife filing for divorce and his daughter's lack of talent must have at some stage. 2007 sure as hell wasn't the year of the orange python, bruther.
 
Special mention goes to Warrior for his appearance on Fox News following Benoit's death. If there was ONE place Warrior should have seemed sane it was here, but in typical Warrior fashion he couldn't answer simple questions with simple answers. You know you've got issues when Hannity and Colmes think you're an asshole.
 
Anthony Dean: Disco Inferno, who believes with strong conviction that once a guy cleanly pins another guy, there's no reason for them to fight again, ever. And who better to learn about booking matches from than one of the last bookers of WCW, am I right?!
 
Neil Cathan: Mr. Kennedy. Seriosuly, that was just about the worst representative you could possibly choose for your company.
 
Charley Martin: Ah, yes the WARRIAH~! Award for Excellence in not Having Credibility. Bischoff can be incredibly smarmy but hasn't been around much, and has anything Mr. Kennedy said this year not been total bullshit?

Winner: MISTAHHHHH Kennendy

 
Matt Folger: Once you appear on Nancy Grace, your credibility is forever shattered in the eyes of not just the IWC, but in the eyes of the entire world. Oh, and way to dig up the two biggest genetic mistakes in the history of "our great sport" and parade them around and have them talk about how things "really" are, Nancy. Sorry, but I kind of hope you get raped by a relative, and then you're so disgusted from the experience that you accidentally vomit into the mouths of your new born twins and they subsequently die of asphyxiation. But hey, that's just me.
 
Canadian Bacon: Kane. I'm starting to really think he never was ever burned as a child.


24)THE AC/DC "BIG BALLS" AWARD. Greatest show of testicular fortitude. (in the ring, in real life, whatever. Just awarding one ballsy motherfucker)
Nominees: HHH finishing a match with a torn quad; CM Punk backtalking Tony Atlas in OVW; Kenta Kobashi; Jeff Hardy; John Morrison telling JBL to fuck off; John Morrison for his insane split-legged corkscrew moonsault; Test (pro steroid rant); Rhyno and A.J. Styles (Elevation X); Cena and Michaels going for an hour; Jimmy Jacobs' "Age of the Fall" promo; Triple H for finishing his match with a torn quad; Marcus Cor Von for putting the needs of his family over his career; Matt Hardy for wanting to wrestle at Cyber Sunday despite his plethora of injuries; Samoa Joe shoots on Kevin Nash at Turning Point during his "shoot";
 
Sean Carless: Triple H deserves this award for being one tough motherfucker. Never underestimate one man's resolve to refute and deny pain so you can maybe finish a match VICTORIOUS! Yes. It's going to take A LOT more than grievous bodily injury to stop this man from making people look like shit. I can just picture him heartbroken in the ambulance, giving a touching quasi-Oscar Schindler speech: "There's so many more people I could have pinned! I know I could have pinned more! See this Hammer? I could have used it on a few more midcarders! See this water bottle? I could have spit more water in tedious 5 minute introductions! See that belt? I could have won it at least 5 more times! Maybe 6! I COULD HAVE DONE SO MUCH MORE!"
 
How tragic.
 
Derek Burgan: I loved the story of CM Punk giving Tony Atlas the business down in Ohio Valley. That’s what more wrestlers today need to do. Grab the reins… although admittedly it will just mean being completely buried like Paul London. Them’s the breaks.
 
Justin Shapiro: Fat, gross Balls Mahoney and short, undereducated Jamie Noble having the self-confidence to ask attractive ladies like Kelly and Michelle on dates.  Inspirations, they.  It's like Shelton Benjamin's music says: "believing in yourself, man, changes everything."
 
James Walker: I’ve got to give this to HHH for finishing the match with his torn quad. It was obvious that he was fucked up, as he took one of the worst RKO’s of all time. However, the guy didn’t pull a Lillian Garcia on us (re: Screaming in pain and distracting everyone as to the on goings of the match) and gutted thought he pain as well as he could. What makes this even crazier is the guy knows that this was a bad idea, seeing as he’s already tried it once. You have to give it up to the guy for that.
 
Catherine Perez: It takes a large set of balls to tell a guy like JBL to fuck off, especially when that guy stands the chance of having his sweet, virgin ass (™ Half Baked) ravaged to the point of seizures and other serious health issues. John Morrison's got those balls... and they probably got snipped off like his last name's really Bobbitt after that heated confrontation with Layfield. Oh well.
 
Joe Merrick: I’m tempted to give it to my namesake Joe, but frankly when the entire IWC and smark community would gladly suck those balls of yours and you’re a cemented employee at the company, you don’t come off as much as a hero, to me at least.
Gonna give it to Cor Von. Gotta respect a guy who will make such a decision.
 
Michael Melchor: Monty Brown almost won this for walking away from a WWE contract to take care of his sister’s kids (more than commendable in and of itself and a guarantee that I’ll be an avid fan if he makes it back), but he was edged out near the end by Kenta Kobashi.  Talk about not putting an opponent over – Kobashi won’t even do the job to cancer!  But, of course, he still had to do one for Mitsuharu “Hulk Hogan and Triple-H COMBINED ain’t got shit on me!” Misawa.
 
Cameron Burge: Somewhere along the line after separating from Melina at the hip, Morrison finally found his balls down there and decided to tell JBL just exactly which direction up his ass he could shove his opinion and at which angle. Now that takes some Los Juevos Grandes, considering the back talk didn't fly too well and the general back room respect most of the roster has for JBL. Not to mention that this time, Bradshaw was pretty much justified in that Nitrorrison did make a complete ass of himself on TV and manages to verbally bury CM punk so deep he was digging up Andre the Giant's corpse in the process. At least Miz had the decency to keep his big mouth shut while they got ripped into, considering his credibility is virtually non existent. So hats off to you Johnny. Good luck using those bruised balls later.
 
Gershon Levy: Trips did it again, tearing a quad and finishing a match.  Say what you will about the guy but he doesn’t wuss out when his fragile body crumbles.  He’s had so much surgery that he may be more artificial than Stephanie at this point.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Definitely Punk bitching on Tony Atlas. THE MAN CAN HOLD THE EARTH YOU FOOL!!!
 
What credibility does Tony Atlas actually have to be trying to show people up anyway!? Two words, Saba Simba.
 
British Bullfrog: In an old fashioned, purist way I'm giving this to Cena and Michaels. In a world where most matches tend to end in under half an hour, going for as long as they did was definitely ballsy and a positive step for actual wrestling.

No joke here. How about that.
 
Sixth Child: Marcus Cor Von for choosing to give his life some meaning by devoting himself to these children rather than floating into obscurity on the ECW roster. Congrats and Godspeed, Marcus.    
Special mention goes to Morrison telling JBL to go fuck himself. Now if he can show that much edge with his actual mic skills, he'll be a main-eventer in no time.
 
Anthony Dean: CM Punk, definitely. "Boy get dat tape off yo wrists, come in hurr lookin' trashy like dat, you ain't never gon' make it to tv!" "Do you know who I am? Do you even watch our show? I am CM Punk, I am the reigning ECW World Heavyweight Champion, I am straight edge, and I am better than you." "Word."
Indeed, that's how it happened.
 
Neil Cathan: Joe's shoot took balls. So I'll give him the nod. And not just because it was damn entertaining. Nash gets a mention for his stupidity in trying to pick a fight with Joe after the show. It took guts. Doesn't mean he's not a moron for it.
 
Charley Martin: Kenta Kobashi beat cancer to return to wrestle at a high level at age 40. We'll see if he's able to get back into a full schedule, but the man can still bring it, even busting out a moonsault in his return to action. Honorable mention to Monty (Marcus Cor Von) Brown.

Winner: Kenta Kobashi

 
Matt Folger: The lesson here for John Morrison is that if a 6 and a half foot tall cowboy with lots of money wants to soap up your ass (as a joke, of course), you let him! But seriously, someone needed to tell the prick off.
 
Canadian Bacon: CM Punk. It took a tremendous amount of courage to back talk Tony Atlas, who let us not forget returned to Africa and became Saba Simba. And I distinctly remember him carrying a giant spear, so watch out Punk because you could be impaled or worse yet stabbed. And just so you know, Saba Simba means "Seven Lions" in dirty savage, so that means that Atlas prolly has 7 of them on the prowl right now. He prolly poured some Pepsi on a cloth, held it under their noses and said "Ok, now go get him!" So be careful!



25) PLUMMETING FASTER THAN A FAT GIRL OFF A CLIFF. (Award for the fastest fall from grace in wrestling. The wrestler chosen must signify a real plunge in quality, effort or company push in just one year’s time).
Nominees: Mr. Kennedy; Carlito; Chris Benoit double murder/suicide; Londrick; Black Machismo; Umaga; Batista; Ric Flair;
 
Sean Carless: Chris Benoit murdered someone? When did this happen? I tried to go to WWE.com for more info, but it's as if he never worked there! CHRIS BENOIT IS NOT A MYTH. I'VE SEEN HIM! [/Kevin Costner].
 
Derek Burgan: From one of the most respected names in wrestling to one of the most controversial men in America. Chris Benoit fell faster from grace than the XFL, and that’s saying something.
 
Justin Shapiro: Mickie James losing the top babygirlface spot to Candice was pretty shit.  Yeah, Candice improved and worked hard and whatnot, but Mickie James is just such a better wrestler, better babyface, more charismatic, and quite frankly better looking.  Candice is a doll the company is creepily trying to carve, nasally reconstruct, and acid wash into a new Trish Stratus, Nip/Tuck-style.  That makes me uncomfortable.
 
James Walker: Kennedy. The guy finished 2006 as a sure-fire superstar in the making. Hell, he had a big match with Batista at the rumble, and carried him to a pretty decent match. He got a big win at Mania, but has since fucked himself more than a lonely girl on a cucumber farm. The injury wasn’t his fault, but the steroid shit sure as hell was. On top of that, he’s been doing dick-all in the ring unless someone is in there dragging him to something watchable. The point is, is that at this pace, Kennedy will find himself lower on the card than Pat Patterson. And by “card”, I mean “Sylvan Grenier”.
 
Catherine Perez: I don't know any other wrestler who's fallen from grace in the course of one weekend, do you? The funniest thing here is that some news reporter really thought Benoit went on a murderous rampage because he was "demoted from the Four Horsemen." Talk about doing your homework.
 
Joe Merrick: Tough decision to make. Whereas one guy killed his own family and lost his entire legacy, Umaga probably ate his own family yet gets no shit for it.
 
Michael Melchor: Carlito so totally wins this one hands down.  Have you seen the shit this guy has to do and put up with lately?  And the funny part of it is, he decided to STAY with the company after all this, only to get some more!  *Cue Sam Kinison Laugh* - AAAAAHHHHHHH-HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!
 
Cameron Burge: I'm not sure which fell faster, Benoit or Kennedy. On the one hand. Benoit managed to get himself wiped from history, but at least he let his dogs out first which finally answered that question the Baha Men have been bitching about for so many years. On the other hand, Kennedy managed to go from Anti-steroid spokesman to lowest of the lowest, getting himself suspended and ruining any credibility he'll ever have, as well as most of his heat. At least Benoit still has Heat (in HELL! Ha! Ha..I made myself sad..). I think the winner is Kennedy here in the fact that it took 24 hours for the first inklings that it was a murder to come out, while as soon as Sports Illustrated's list debuted, Kennedy's fall began, making it instantaneous. So congratulations Kennedy you managed to one up a double murder/suicide in one fell swoop. Now if you can just figure out how to do more than an Orton lock and a kick to the head, you might be interesting again.
 
Gershon Levy: Can you really fall faster than Benoit?  WWE does still acknowledge the existence of some of their worst employees like Warrior but as soon as the truth came out, they spent more time making sure Benoit was nowhere to be found than creating innovative television.  I mean they delayed products being released for this.  I can understand their reasoning but man it was depressing.  Then again so is most of WWE’s programming these days.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: ....ooh... let me think... who went from Golden Boy to nothing in mere weeks... who did Vince McMahon actually begin to ignore the existence of, soon after his big 'fuck up'... hmmm. Gonna have to be Kennedy again, ain't it. Sorry, bucko. You couldn't even stay afloat longer than a double murderer who killed himself. Jesus you suck.
 
British Bullfrog: Hmmm...a wrestler tahts fallen from grace this year. Someone who had everything and went to nothing by one despicable act...someone who went from being considered a hero to the worst kind of villain in no time at all...

Nope, cant think of anyone.
 
Sixth Child: I'm taking a more literal approach to the "fastest fall from grace" bit by going with Chris Benoit.
Despite hearing the initial reports surrounding the death of the Benoit family, I knew my memories of Chris would be nothing but favorable. Benoit was a wrestler; not a politician, not an overblown bodybuilder, but an honest to God, no-nonsense professional wrestler. His matches against Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho and Bret Hart among others were some of the greatest I had ever seen. The man dubbed a "vanilla midget" by that walking injury that is Kevin Nash proved himself as, without a shadow of a doubt, one of the greatest to ever grace the squared circle. He was a champion, a workhorse, a quiet achiever. These are things I admire in everyday life, not just in wrestling.
I took solace in the fact that Benoit would leave behind a fine legacy... until I tuned in the next day. If that's not a "fall from grace", I don't know what is.
 
Anthony Dean: Chris Benoit. Kills his wife and still expects to get in the Hall of Fame? Who does he think he is, Jimmy Snuka?
 
Neil Cathan: Carlito. The company used to love that guy. Now he's jobbing to invisible tunnels. Goodbye push. Maybe you could main event Russo land?
 
Charley Martin: “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal is currently, as of this writing, AT THIS MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND AND THE UNIVERSE ITSELF, the longest reigning champion in TNA, yet has the probably the fewest wins and easily the most losses of any champions. He had his belt stolen over two months ago and hasn't gotten it back yet! He's been unsuccessfully trying to get it back for over half of his freaking championship reign. For the fucking love of god, HE BEAT KURT ANGLE CLEANLY TO WIN THE X-DIVISION TITLE!!!!!!!!!

Winner: “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal

 
Matt Folger: Miiiisteeeeer Kennedy....(uses this time to contemplate the fact that if he had just shut his fuckin' mouth a little, maybe the whole illegitimate son angle could have continued after he came back from his suspension, but instead he thrusted himself into the limelight and told the world not only that steroids weren't a problem, but that he hadn't taken them since his Independent days, thereby not only ruining his credibility but also the credibility of the entire Wellness Policy)....Keeenneedyyy!
 
Canadian Bacon: Biggest fall from Grace? Prolly Marc Mero. He used to be on her show almost every day and now nothing. He still has so many dead people he's never met or known to add to his list! But who is there to listen? Sad.


26)THE BEST THING SINCE INTERNET PORN. (Wrestler of The Year Award)
Nominees: John Cena; Shawn Michaels; Jeff Hardy; Edge; Kurt Angle; Samoa Joe; CM Punk; The Undertaker; Motor City Machine Guns; Gail Kim; Kenta Kobashi; Jamie Noble; John Morrison; Matt Hardy; MVP; Elijah Burke; Takeshi Morishima;
 
Sean Carless: John Cena. You read that right. Although, I suspect that the *real* reason for my about face is because he used his Kryptonian powers to fly into space and reverse the earth's axis and turn back time to the point where I thought he wasn't the most tedious thing ever.
 
All kidding aside, no one has had a more credible in-ring year than John Cena. He delivered on every show and PPV. I think it was thanks to all the Discipline and honor he learned in fake Military school. Could an honorary promotion to umm, Ring General be far behind?
 
So, ya, Cena is my choice, yo. It's just a shame we didn't really appreciate him until it was too late. This is how people must have felt after they put Jesus to death. But then again, such a comparison is obviously ridiculous. As if John Cena would sell a Crucifixion.
 
Derek Burgan: I actually had a lot of fun watching John Cena this year. From working with K-Fed to start the year, all the way to his injury, Cena has really stepped his game up a notch. Then again, when did the Marine come out? If that was this year then I hated John Cena and I give the award to Jack Evans.
 
Justin Shapiro: John Cena rules your balls, you crooked fuckers.  Cena vs. Umaga: great.  Cena vs. Michaels: great.  Cena vs. Michaels: great for an hour. Cena vs. Michaels vs. Orton vs. Edge: great.  Cena vs. Khali: greater than any other Khali match.  Cena vs. Lashley: great.  Cena vs. Orton: great.  Cena: great.

Shawn Michaels was right up there with him considering how huge he stepped up when Hunter went down. I'd have called them even for the first half, but then Michaels got hurt and missed four months, whereas Cena's injury didn't come until the very end of the voting year and he spent the months that Michaels was out having strong main events with guys who aren't exactly Shawn Michaels.
 
#3 would probably be Edge, who tried admirably to prop up Smackdown, Michaels-style, until he too got hurt.
 
James Walker: John Cena. Look… he might be booked like Superman in the special Olympics, but he proved this year that he might be worth it. He dragged a good couple of matches with the Great Khali, had a legendary series with Shawn Michaels, and if it wasn’t for that fucked up hip toss, I’m sure he would have had an excellent match with Randy Orton. Add on that the guy can cut promos with the best of them, and he represents the business incredibly well in the media and in public apearences, and John Cena is truly a magnifiscantly complete wrestler. If they just booked him to lose once in a while, this guy could become huge.
 
Catherine Perez: MVP was definitely ballin' this year, thanks to none other than Chris Benoit for having a few awesome matches with him. I'd like to think MVP's been carrying the entire MVP/Hardy feud, but that's probably because I'm biased against the Hardys. That and I haven't enjoyed any other feud Matt's been in this year... or last year... or the year before that. Plus, I'm especially impressed that MVP's helped to bring a little more prestige to the United States Championship.
 
Joe Merrick: Very tough decision again. HBK pretty much is the best wrestler on any roster right now, but I am a mark for guys like Edge and even Matt Hardy at this point, who both have proven to be damn hard workers and very consistent. I’ll give it to Matt, if only because I really want to see him succeed.
 
Michael Melchor: I can’t think of one guy that really had a banner year.  Other than John Cena, and losing to God Almighty because the writing team is too scared to try out anyone else doesn’t count.  Therefore, I have to give this one to a guy I personally can’t stand – Jimmy Jacobs.  To go from a near-joke to the leader of one of the most talked-about factions in all of wrestling is no small feat, but I’ll be damned if Jacobs didn’t do it.  Topping the year off by beating Bryan Danielson clean (~!!) in a great match certainly helped his case as well.
 
Cameron Burge: I'm just going to pretend Jamie Noble isn't on there. What? No Awesome Kong? I'm disappointed! I had my hopes up for that one. It's not often we get to see a female on this list. I guess Gail Kim should feel honored. I think I'm going to throw my pick at Jeff Hardy. While Michaels has carried the most great matches and guys like Cena and Edge have been consistent and good, Hardy has managed to really step up his in ring game and get the crowd behind him in a way the rest of the wrestlers haven't been (Except in the case of the Divas but that's a whole different getting behind). If you listen to the crowd reactions, nobody gets pops like now like Hardy and so I think he's earned a slot as wrestler of the year, not to mention his amazing matches both on Raw and in PPV, most recently with Triple H and Carlito. I've always personally been a big Hardy fan and am glad to see him getting pushed right now. Now if he can just find a Rainbow War to fight in, he'll be set.
 
Gershon Levy: I’m gonna go with CM Punk since I more or less followed his rise to the top, if you can call the ECW title that.  It was much deserved and he actually has held it since then so kudos to WWE for that.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Matt Hardy, the single most consistant performer on any brand. He gets dealt bad hands regularly, but he just plays them the best he can. Matt Hardy deserves to be a champion one day. He will probably never reach those dizzying heights, but he deserves to.
 
British Bullfrog: Samoa Joe, for becoming the biggest star in the company and a major world title competitor without losing his credibility.
 
Sixth Child: Beth Phoenix, I love you.
She has brought some much-needed credibility back to the WWE women's division after a massive hole (not Torrie Wilson) was left with names like Trish Stratus and Lita leaving the scene. This led to that period where actual wrestlers like Mickie James and Victoria were thrown to one side for the likes of Melina and Candice fucking Michelle to wear the belt.
Then like a "Phoenix" from the ashes (yeah, like you didn't see that one coming) along comes Beth, who ain't lying when she says she's the perfect mix of beauty and brawn. She's got the music, the mic-skills and the muscle. Now all we need is about four others like her, and a new Cruiserweight and Tag Team division and we're set.
 
Anthony Dean: To me, the only real standouts have been HBK and MVP. They both were great in their respective feuds, where Shawn Michaels redefined the word tweener (no, it's still not dirty) and MVP has been made to look like the strongest guy on Smackdown short of Batista and Taker and shit. They've both been consistently great in the ring, and I'd be SHAWCKED if neither of them become world champion by this time next year.
And oh yeah, Sabin and Shelley are overrated. There I said it.
 
Neil Cathan: Samoa Joe. He's managed to have no bad matches this year. He had a good match with Tomko for crying out loud. Not to mention his fantastic series with Christian Cage.
 
Charley Martin: Now we're getting down to the serious business. So many worthy names. Gail Kim, Kenta Kobashi, and John Cena have to get a look, but I have to go with Morishima even though I've rarely seen him, simply because he held a title that actually means something for almost a year. You have to be great on so many levels to be ROH Heavyweight Champion.

Winner: Takeshi Morishima

 
Matt Folger: There were some guys I was going to name, but then I realized that they were all in their best matches when up against HBAARP, I mean HBK. Even at his age, even realizing that every day with WWE is just one step closer to eternal hell, he still is the best wrestler on the roster, possibly the world. Pulling an hour long match out of John Cena is a small miracle in itself, which might actually spare him from the fires.
 
Canadian Bacon: Umaga! That's right, the former 2 time Intercontinental Champion of the Universe! Yes, he has done his home nation of Blah Blah Fa Samoa very proud this year. And what an ambassador he is. I mean, sure people there still can't speak in anything but gibberish, never wear shoes, headbutt everyone, and Tourists who pick up random natives thinking that the raised thumbs mean they're looking for a ride all end up tragically killed, but he has BROUGHT HIP HOP GRILLS TO SAMOA! Yes, he may not understand the words (but hey, who does! "pop a cap"? What does that even mean! Absurd!) but you can just tell that when he's not eating people, he's listening to and LOVING Rap music. And now, everyone in Samoa is getting in on that love. They're raising their hands in the air like they just don't care, then stabbing each other in the throat with their thumbs. It's awesome. There's a whole new market of commerce opening up in Blah Blah Fa Samoa, and it's all thanks to Umaga, a great wrestler but an even greater friend to the Hip Hop community! It's true! And If I was say 50 Cent, I'd maybe think about moving there. He might be worth a full dollar before he knows it.



27)MATCH OF THE YEAR (other than my Ass and your Face)
Nominees: John Cena v. Shawn Michaels on RAW; MITB Wrestlemania 23; The Undertaker vs. Batista WM 23;,  Briscoes vs. Ricky Marvin & Kotaro Suzuki- GHC Jr. Heavyweight Tag Tag Title Match 1/21/07; Kaz vs. Christian Cage #1 Contender Ladder Match; Kenta Kabashi & Yoshihiro Takayama vs. Mitsuharu Misawa & Jun Akiyama 10/2/07; Randy Orton vs HHH Last Man Standing (No Mercy); Randy Orton vs Shawn Michaels (Survivor Series); Cena/Umaga Last Man Standing: Royal Rumble 2007; Danielson/McGuiness (ROH Driven); James Storm vs. Chris Harris (Texas Death match); Jay Lethal vs. Kurt Angle (Lethal wins X title); Cena/Orton (Summerslam); MVP/Beniot (Mania, Judgement Day); Cena/Orton/Edge/Michaels: Fatal Fourway (Backlash); Ladder match at Armageddon 06 (not included in last year´s awards);
 
Sean Carless: John Cena vs. HBK on RAW. It lasted a minute for every remaining hair on HBK's head, and I loved every moment of it. It also marked the only clean pinfall loss Cena has suffered in YEARS. I suspect the reason for this result to be a tiny fragment of West Newbury lodged in Michaels' boot. That shit is lethal to Cena's race. And after the match, HBK threw it into the Arctic and it created a Barn made out of Ice. It was beautiful.
 
Derek Burgan: How can you go wrong with the Briscoes vs. Generico/Steen? Not many people have seen it compared to WWE and TNA matches, but these four guys always tear down the house and make you remember how fucking awesome tag team matches can be.
 
Justin Shapiro: CENA NUFF?
1) Cena vs. Michaels vs. Edge vs. Orton, Backlash
2) Cena vs. Umaga, Rumble
 
I was gonna put Cena vs. Michaels from Wrestlemania third for an unexpected John Cena MOTY sweep, but let's make the whole thing weird by picking
 
3) Edge vs. Chris Benoit from Smackdown in June, definitely the most noteworthy thing Benoit was involved in that month.
 
James Walker: For me to consider someone for this award, I have to have seen the match. So, immediately toss out most of the ROH matches and the TNA PPV matches. However, I still firmly believe that you did not have to pay for this year’s best match, as I’m giving the nod to Cena/Michaels for their 56 minute match on Raw. I’ll never pretend to be a serious recapper, but this match deserves a shitload of praise. Lots of people compare it to their mania match, and I think thise was better, for the simple reason that the guys in the ring had to work around the problems of commercials. You have to tell the story, with 3 minutes being taken away every 15 minutes. That sounds a lot easier than it actually is, and I thought these guys played off their past encounters perfectly. It’s little surprises like this that keep me watching Raw.
 
Catherine Perez: THE BRISCOES WRESTLED RICKY MARTIN?! I hope they kicked his La Vida Loca ass! What? Oh, Marvin! I knew that. I vote for James Storm and Chris Harris' Texas Deathmatch. When they absolutely bombed with that Caged Blindfold match, it's almost like it lit a fire under their respective drunken and one-eyed asses. They more than redeemed themselves with that Deathmatch. Good for them.
 
Joe Merrick: Anvil’s Swagbag and a life-size statue of him made entirely of fecal matter. Near perfect match, bar the following exceptions. The statue:
-Smells nicer
- Is less greasy
- Is a better kisser
- Does not act like a carbon copy of Joe Merrick.
Thank you.
 
Michael Melchor: I really struggled with this one.  So much so that I almost missed deadline (sorry, Sean!).  John Cena v. Shawn Michaels on “RAW” was a fucking great match for TV, and the Briscoes vs. Kevin Steen & El Generico in the Ladder War from “Man Up” easily had the wildest spots of the year.  In the end, though, I’ll take science, psychology, and drama any day, and that’s why I finally had to give the nod – in a narrow decision – to Danielson vs. McGuiness from “RoH Driven”.
 
In an age where #1 Contender’s Matches are lucky to go 5 minutes, Danielson and McGuiness let their nuts hang for over half an hour and put on a straight-out clinic in the process.  Two broken, bloody and spent bodies later, Danielson finally out-guts McGuiness after playhing off of what he already knew of the man from previous encounters.  The closest all year that wrestling came to being a sport and the best example of “suspension of disbelief” I’ve seen in several years, let alone this one.
 
Cameron Burge: I have to say it was Cena/Michaels on Raw. Some might say Michaels carried the match, but I'd have to say that Cena really stepped up his own game and played a different role than the general baby face everyone was used to seeing. Seeing Michaels sell every shoulder block like he'd been hit by a truck really went far to sell Cena as the physical powerhouse. Overall, it was a great match and even though WWE Law dictates that the title retention rate for the WWE Title on TV is 99% so the ending was pretty much predetermined, it was still amazingly entertaining to watch. Even better, it didn't cost me a damn penny to watch all you suckers who actually paid to see this match on PPV. HA!
 
Gershon Levy: I didn’t see many of these since I don’t see the pay per views and don’t watch TNA, so I’ll pick CM Punk’s title win over John Morrison.  Unfortunately it was spoiled before I saw it, but it was still a really good match with the result we all wanted.  I wonder how he celebrated in the back, popcorn, soda, and sex?  Hey he said he’s addicted to competition, and what better competition is there than seeing how quickly you can make a girl have an orgasm?
 
Anvil's Swagbag: The John Cena/Michaels RAW match for me. Not because it was the best match of the year, but because I didn't have to pay fuck all for it. It's such a relief to see a great match and not have to sit through Hornswoggle vs. Coach first.
 
British Bullfrog: Orton vs. Michaels, because it's the only time Randy Orton has really looked like being able to live up to the hype the WWE give him once a year.
 
Sixth Child: My ass and your... oh wait. Cena vs. Michaels on RAW. See #30.
 
Anthony Dean: My favorite was Kennedy-Cena on Raw. I don't remember getting so emotional after a match before.
 
Neil Cathan: I'm a huge fan of hardcore wrestling when it's done properly, so I'll have to give the nod to the Texas Death match between Harris and Storm. It still annoys me that they've both either been ignored or used as jobbers since that feud.
 
Charley Martin: Kobashi/Takayama vs. Misawa/Akiyama was hugely important. Cena vs. Michaels 56 minute epic from RAW was professional wrestling as art. I actually stopped what I was doing to watch it. I've been hearing about a Ladder War that I really want to see. But if there is one match that I saw this year that I would have paid money to see it is The Briscoes vs. Ricky Marvin and Kotaro Suzuki. It was EPIC. There were at least a dozen things I'd never or rarely ever seen before. I knew about the Briscoes greatness but I had never seen a Kotaro Suzuki or Ricky Marvin match before in my life, and after that one match, I will be fans of them forever. You owe it to yourself to find this on Youtube and be amazed. *****

Winner: The Briscoes vs. Ricky Marvin & Kotaro Suzuki- GHC Jr. Heavyweight Tag Team Title Match.

 
Matt Folger: MITB at WM23 was one of four times this year that I marked out and forgot about all the bullshit in professional wrestling and just had fun watching a match, making it my favorite match of the year. The other three were for HBK, Jericho, and Knuckleball Schwartz, respectively.
 
Canadian Bacon: Chris vs. Daniel vs. Nancy Benoit: three way dance!: Vengeance 2007. It was the most believable finish ever. Second to maybe Hulk Hogan's big leg. But other than crushing legs dropped from maybe 2 feet height total? Definitely the most convincing. 
 
Edit: Someone just told me it wasn't a work. Forget I said anything!!!!11 Man, that Benoit takes his craft way too seriously! Why didn't you roll clear of that flying headbutt, Nancy? WHY.


28)The BENNIFER/ TomKat Award for Worst Match of the Year:
Nominees: Hornswoggle vs. Coach; Khali v. Batista: Summerslam; Big Daddy V vs CM Punk: No Mercy; Kelly Kelly vs. Layla on ECW; "Electrified Cage Match" (Lockdown); "Trump" vs. "Rosie"; Melina vs. Ashley (Wrestlemania); James Storm vs. Chris Harris (Caged Blindfold match); Lashley vs. Test: Royal Rumble 2007;
 
Sean Carless: Layla vs. Kelly Kelly. In any incarnation. Hell, the two even managed to BLOW SPOTS IN A FOOD FIGHT. I didn't even know that was possible. 
 
Layla: "Quick, throw a pie!"
Kelly Kelly: (to self) "Wait, how do I do that again? I can't remember! SHIT! Think, Kelly, Kelly. THINK, DAMN IT!"
 
Special mention goes to "Rosie vs. Trump". Take it from Vince to think that the only useful lesbians in the world are really hot ones who subsequently become obsessed with other attractive fitness models and stalk them, and feel them up, and watch them shower and roll around together in various states of undress, and holy shit, that's hot. Forget everything I said. Vince is a genius.
 
Derek Burgan: Oh God, “Trump” vs. “Rosie” is one of those GROAN matches that you always seem to watch with someone who doesn’t like wrestling, and all it does is confirm exactly what they thought… that you are retarded for watching this shit. Just horrible on every level imaginable.
 
Justin Shapiro: Ahh, I just can't decide.  The least professional thing that happened in a ring this year was probably Beth dragging Candice Michelle by the compromised spinal cord, so I'm going to vote for that.  Holy shit.  If you and I are ever working a match, reader, and I fall on my head -- likely, as neither of us are trained, unless, wait, aren't you Greg Whitmoyer from Tough Enough 1?  hey sup dude -- anyway, when I break my neck, don't bother with a freaking finish, just end the match, thanks.
 
James Walker: Kelly VS Layla. How sad is it when the worst match of the year didn’t even go two minutes? That tells you had bad the match was in the time-frame. There’s bad, there’s really bad, there’s funny bad, and then there’s Jackie Gayda bad. This match was nearing the last. The botched handspring was the icing on the log of shit. The point is, this match was short, had interference, and had two attractive women… and they STILL fucked it up so bad that I’d rather see Khali VS Batista. That, my friends, is a bad match.
 
Catherine Perez: Unfortunately on the same show as that Caged Blindfold match, Lockdown's Electrified Cage Match was fucking awful. It was also the reason I ordered Lockdown. Holy hell, I don't think I've ever seen a more ridiculous match in my life. Then again, it also set the stage for the funniest crowd reaction I've heard all year when the cage merely played a buzzing, humming sound effect when anyone would touch it: "(after seconds of absolute silence) BOOOOOOOOOOO~!!!!11" Awesome, but not awesome enough to save the match.
 
Joe Merrick: Anvil’s Swagbag and Someone Who Knows When to Stop Fucking Ranting. Ah, I kid. I’ll go with ‘Trump vs. Rosie’. The ‘comedy’ sketch so bad, it’s 2007’s guage as to measure future bad sketches.
 
Michael Melchor: I saw a LOT of shit this year. Khali vs. Hornswoggle should win this award simply because it was booked. Twice. Same goes for Ace Steele "Donald Trump" vs. Whoever that fat whore was "Rosie O’Donnell", although that was quick, merciful, and only happened once. But those we at least expected to be shitfests; Kelly Kelly vs. Layla on ECW came out of nowhere to make me want to rip my own face off because I was suckered into watching ECW and had to sit through that.. And that, ladies, is why I give this award to you.
 
Cameron Burge: Batista vs. Basketballs isn't on here? This is easy. Listen folks, I'm practically giving this award away to Melina vs. Ashley at Wrestlemania. This match shouldn't have even happened at all, let alone on the biggest PPV of the year. These are two women who's finishers are so bad that even on Smackdown vs. Raw 08 the moves looked botched. Don't believe me? Go ahead, look them up on your game. It looks like they're fucking tripping! I'm pretty sure the effect of this match on the crowd was like one big shot of Nyquil. That, or extreme, agonizing torture. But at least it had huge, fake titties bouncing around for us to stare at it. Every boob has a silver lining, er, I mean cloud. What the hell were they even fighting over anyway? Playboy or something? I'd rather see Melina in Playboy doing her entrance..on my lap..while I have no pants on..what?
 
Gershon Levy: Do I have to pick just one?  I seem to recall the Lashley/Test match being horrendous, and I think they even showed it in its entirety on free TV making it even worse (because I had to see it).
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Speak of the fucking devil! Meh, I'll have to go with the Electrified Cage Match. More the Big Buzzing Machine match. That cage had about as much real electricity in it as The Mountie's plastic tazer.
 
British Bullfrog: Oh dear, looks like ol' Sean Carless has made a bit of a blunder. He seems to have put the Hornswoggle vs. Coach match in the Worst Match of the year instead of The Match That Most Made Me Want To Kill Something Beautiful, Like A Flower Or A New Born Baby Just To Vent My Anger On Any God That Would Let This Happen On What Is Supposed To Be The Biggest And Best Wrestling Promotions Show category. What do you mean we dont have that category? Really now...

28.5) THE MATCH THAT MOST MADE ME WANT TO KILL SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL LIKE A FLOWER OR A NEW BORN BABY JUST TO VENT MY ANGER ON ANY GOD THAT WOULD LET THIS HAPPEN ON WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BIGGEST AND BEST WRESTLING PROMOTION'S SHOW:
Nominees: Hornswoggle vs. Coach
BRITISH BULLFROG: I'm going to say Hornswoggle vs. Coach

There we go.
 
Sixth Child: Trump vs. Rosie. See #18.
 
Anthony Dean: Khali vs anybody is going to suck, so who do they decide should carry him to a presentable match but Batista? It's like trying to stop a flood by pouring water on it. Or some less terrible analogy.
 
Neil Cathan: Doing the TNA recaps has nearly killed my ability to watch any wrestling. Which means that it's going to a TNA match, as I'm not watching the others. So I'll have to give it to the pair who had my best match this year too. Becuase not even they could persevere through a blindfold match in a cage, where there aren't any blindfolds.
 
Charley Martin: I'll go with Layla vs. Kelly Kelly because this was the one match on the list of shame that I actually saw.

Winner: Layla vs. Kelly Kelly on WWECW on Sci-Fi

 
Matt Folger: Any incarnation of Khali vs. Batista gets my vote. They all looked like NES wrestling games. Punck, kick, bodyslam. Punck, kick, bodyslam. Punck, kick, bodyslam. Punck, kick, spear. Punck, kick, yell. Punck, kick, shake ropes. Punck, kick, pin.
 
Canadian Bacon: Chris Harris vs. James Storm: Texas Death. I was expecting demises via Electric chairs since that's Texas's premiere manner of disposing of undesirables, and yet, nothing. Heck, no one even DIED. They just used cookie-sheets. Quite the crime deterrent that is! The Marquee said TEXAS DEATH, so by god, someone should have died. Is that too much to ask? They really need to rename it "Texas stay alive but you'll prolly smart a bit because cookie-sheets sting sometimes but they also make a lot of noise so maybe that might cause some unpleasant ear-ringing, as well" match. I'd have maybe enjoyed it more because it wouldn't be such blatant false advertising.


29)BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT SINCE FAKE TITTIES WERE INVENTED (most improved wrestler of the year, for whatever reason)
Nominees: Eric Young; Tomko; MVP; Matt Hardy; Jeff Hardy; The Miz; John Morrison; Umaga;
 
Sean Carless: Great Khali. No one died this year. That's all you can really ask from the big guy and his pajamas (You can get your own at your local Big & Useless store).
 
1st runner up is MVP. But I think with that name you'd have to be successful, lest you look pretty foolish.
 
Derek Burgan: I actually look forward to seeing The Miz on TV now, something I would have thought impossible last year, so that should count for something. I think the guy has the makings for a super manager one day, the douchebag’s douchebag, but he’s in a company that doesn’t care for managers and he just isn’t that good a wrestler.
 
Justin Shapiro: MVP got so great.  Hmm, it must've been all that time he spent doing that long U.S. title program working with ........................ Kane.  Yes, yes.  Kane.
 
James Walker: It’s a tough call, but I’m going to give the nod to MVP. This guy has lived up to his name this year, and has quickly become one of the most entertaining men in wrestling. It’s a shame the WWE refuses to mention Benoit, because his feud with MVP was one of the greatest rises I’ve ever seen. Before this feud, MVP was seen as generic in the ring, and nothing worth talking about. Afterwards, he had everyone eating out of the palm of his hand. His stuff with Matt Hardy will be seen as as classic in the near future, and I just hope that when Hardy returns, they finally blow the feud off properly. While MVP is in limbo until then, he’s still been having strong in ring performances, and what’s best, is that he has transitioned well to his one-off feuds. The point is that MVP has saved Smackdown’s midcard, and is one of the best reasons to pass up sex watch wrestling on a Friday night.
 
Catherine Perez: MVP, by far. What else can I say, other than he's done the impossible by helping me to tolerate Matt Hardy a little more?
 
Joe Merrick: MVP, mereckons. Started out as, quite frankly, an annoying time wasting sack of shit and since being taken under the wing of a child murderer has just shined through utterly. Exciting feuds, entertaining promos and solid matches, this guy’s on his way to superstardom, no doubt about it.
 
Michael Melchor: “Scrap Iron” Adam Pearce, come on down!  The man not only went from hearing “Repo Man!” chants all over the circuit (although he still does because people know it pisses him off to no end) and being damn-near a comedy act to not breaking Kayfabe during Colt Cabana’s farewell RoH appearance (which earns bonus points in and of itself), becoming the leader of one of RoH’s most prominent stables AND winning the new NWA (“Thank GOD we broke ties with TNA!”) Title.  Well done, sir.
 
Cameron Burge: Back to the fake titties already eh? Whoever voted the Miz onto this list should go shoot themselves right damn now. And I could have sworn Tomko was working at the Denny's in hell. Easily, the most improved around here is John Morrison, having suddenly discovered a move set in his transition from Raw to ECW. I guess he siphoned off a little of Benoit's in ring ability before he shuffled off this mortal coil. It's too bad that with his new powers comes..a really disturbing slow motion entrance and a gimmick based off of a dead rock star. Oh well, I guess things could be worse. Minus that little steroid set back and the Ten Seconds of fame fiasco that lasted even shorter than those types of things usually do, he's been pretty good.
 
Gershon Levy: Even though I’m not a big fan of his, I’ll go with John Morrison.  His persona change is kind of stupid but then again, with Joey Mercury gone and Melina on Raw it wasn’t a bad move.  His wrestling is pretty damn good and he at least made ECW a little more entertaining.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: MVP. And we have Chris Benoit to thank for that, apparently. Chris... such a giving person.

MVP has come on in leaps and bounds since the days of his incarceration. No longer does he preach the ways of Malcolm X, no longer does he butt-fuck people in the shower, and no longer does he trade goods with Edward Norton's neo-nazi friends. Unfortunately, he is still black, so he will never get my full respe... Joe's stood right behind me, isn't he?
 
British Bullfrog: Gotta hand it to Eric Young, he persevered through an awful angle and has improved as a wrestler as well. For this reason, Umaga.
 
Sixth Child: BAAALLLIN! "The Running Man" MVP. Extra props for stepping into the ring despite a heart-freaking-condition.
 
Anthony Dean: John Morrison. His gimmick has potential if he'd open it up to be a Raven-esque sort of character and not worry so much about which Doors lyric he's going to quote in his next promo. But he looks great in the ring, has actually improved his promos, and even became a world champion, albeit ECW world champion, but nevertheless. He doesn't look to have been hurt by the steroid thing very much, other than losing said championship, and anyway, it's only a matter of time before he gets put back in the title picture, because how long can they keep V and Henry as the top heels of ECW without it just completely losing all of its viewers alltogether? Although, I'll admit, there are better places to be than teaming with the Miz. But at least they're tag champs, so that's something. But, yeah, it's pretty much up to him with what he wants to do with his character - keep it stupid, boring, and flounder, or do what I said to and succeed!
Honorable mention to Tomko, who became TNA tag champ and some Japanese singles champion or another, and actually developed somewhat of a character beyond rolling his eyes after Christian gives a promo.
 
Neil Cathan: Raven's not on the list. Which is a shame because he has improved more than anyone on that list. Out of shape, useless lump who ran out of energy in 30 seconds in January, looking as good as he did in the prime of his ECW days and putting on a great, energetic match in December. But since whoever decided these categories is a fool, I'll go for gee...Tomko. Just because.
 
Charley Martin: Matt Hardy has really come into his own. So has Eric Young. MVP has substance to go with his style now. Even the Miz has shown signs. Jeff Hardy seems to have his head on straight enough to capitalize on his HUUUGE fan support. But no matter how much anybody else has improved, before he left WWE and went to Japan, Tomko was a jobber on Heat for a reason. He wasn't very good. In this past year he became a man. He is a tag team champion on two continents with two different partners. He has chemistry with everybody I've seen him wrestle. He has become an interesting and highly entertaining personality with subtle but very good mic skills and charisma. He stole the show in a match involving Kurt Angle, Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Kaz, and Christian Cage. I would even buy him as a world champion in the near future. He has improved tremendously this past year and deserves this award more than anybody else. He has made himself into an absolute beast. He is simply one of the best big men in professional wrestling today, and last year he wasn't.

Winner: Tomko.
 
Matt Folger: Say what you will, but I like the fact that Jeff Hardy seems to be getting a maint evetn push. No joke here, just fact. He's the most athletic guy on the roster, and it'll be nice to see him get some recognition before he breaks his neck.
 
Canadian Bacon: Shawn Michaels. If this youngster keeps his head on straight, he may go down in history as one of the great ones.


30)I'D BUY IT... IF I COULDN'T STEAL IT (PPV of the year):
Nominees: WM 23; SummerSlam 2007; Survivor Series 2007; Backlash 2007; Vengeance 2007; ROH Man Up; TNA Bound For Glory 2007; Royal Rumble 2007;
 
Sean Carless: I appreciate ROH's leap into mainstream Pay-per-view and all, but calling a show "Man Up"? Come on. Naming shows after ridiculous urban clichés is NOT the way I'd be going. But hey, by all means stay tuned to "ROH Nigga, Please!" immediately followed by "ROH You Better Check Yo'Self Before You Wreckity-Wreck Yo'self"...Live on Pay-per-view~!
 
That said, I'm going to go with Wrestlemania. What more could you want? The Billionaire people actually wanted to lose being shaved bald? And John Cena losing to the night's sentimental favorite, so the biggest show of the year doesn't go off the air with 80,000 people booing? Umm, probably.
 
Derek Burgan: All ROH PPVs so far have been fantastic. Just as Quentin Tarantino seems to make one film after another that I seem to enjoy, ROH PPVs just keep chugging along with a ton of great matches and angles.
 
Justin Shapiro: Save for the ECW title match, Backlash was seriously a modern day Canadian Stampede.  Instead of "Backlash," they should have called it "American Stampede."
 
James Walker: Every PPV listed here was good. However, only one had a midget getting destroyed from the top of a ladder, and that was Wrestlemania 23. To quote Jim Ross, “THEY BOYHOOD DREAM OF JAMES WALKER HAS COME TRUE!”
 
Catherine Perez: I'll be honest. I didn't order most of these. I guess I'll vote for WrestleMania 23, for the sole reason of it being Wrestle-freakin'-Mania.
 
Joe Merrick: M..what? Man up? There’s a PPV called Man Up? What are you serious? Is it like a running thing like Wrestlemania? Next year’s will be declared ‘Man Up, Bitch’? ‘Man Up, Nigga?’ Or will they rename other PPV’s ‘Bitch Please, You Trippin’?‘ Christ Alive, that is fucking hysterical. Tonight, LIVE. It’s Ring of Honor’s ‘OH NO YOU DI’INT’.
 
Michael Melchor: ROH Man Up, by a fucking landslide.  All of WWE’s big shows were waayy too predictable this year, highlighted (lowlighted?) by a string that started at SummerSlam and (barely) ended with No Mercy.  Man Up, however, featured great wrestling, storylines that advanced in unexpected ways (the birth of the Hangmen’s Three; Danielson LOST to Morishima – via ref stoppage?!), and a fucking sick main event.  All that for only $20?  I defy WWE OR TNA to pull that off anytime soon.
 
Cameron Burge: If I had to give it to one show it's this year's Royal Rumble. It was great getting to see the Undertaker of all people win the Royal Rumble which in my opinion is always the biggest match of the year. Michaels was interesting but Taker making his bid for a title after such a long time away from the belt was pretty cool. It's too bad we all know how that ended up with the Aztec Gold Belt's curse claiming him shortly thereafter. A close runner up would be WM 23 for having a highly entertaining double main event..oh and Bobby Lindsay was there or something, but I'm pretty sure I can overlook that match despite it being the most hyped match of the entire event for reasons only God knows. Actually, I forgot, God no shows wrestling
 
Gershon Levy: I saw Royal Rumble, that was it.  So it wins by default.  There was a good match or two there if I recall.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Gah, who cares?? The Royal Rumble I suppose. But it's all so fucking 'meh' this year. This section would better be called, 'I'd buy it... if I didn't have things I'd much rather own. Like Curb Your Enthusiasm. Or my very own tumour.' I hear Man Up was quite good, mind, so I might buy that on impulse one day.
 
British Bullfrog: Bahahahhaha....Ahahahahaha...hahahaha...haha...OK I think I'm donahahahahahahaha. OK, it's all out.

Sorry, it's just...Ring Of Honor.


Royal Rumble.
 
Sixth Child: I should point out I gave up on WWE PPVs a long time ago. Seriously, we're getting way too much wrestling as it is, now I have to shell out more cash to watch 15 generic, three-hour, slightly altered episodes of RAW? Fuck that. I'll go with WM23 because the Grand-daddy of 'em all is the only PPV I still willingly reach into my pocket for.
 
Anthony Dean: I didn't order any of them, so I'll just say ROH to try and make me look cool. Because my new Kane shirt is just not working. http://www.wweshop.com/Product_detail.asp?cat=cat-tshirts&productId=01-09255
 
Neil Cathan: I'm hearing fantastic talk about Man Up, but I'll still give it to Bound For Glory, as I haven't seen Man Up. Yet.
 
Charley Martin: Being broke and all, I don't get to see much in the way of pay-per-views, but the one I most want to see is ROH Man Up.

Winner: ROH Man Up

 
Matt Folger: Vengeance 2007, if for no other reason then the fact that it was the last PPV before HE WHO DOES NOT EXIST took the wrestling world by storm! And hearing the crowd chant "We want Benoit!" not knowing that he was at that very moment smothering his son with a pillow is just awesome. I mean tragic. No, no, I meant awesome.
 
Canadian Bacon: Stick it in her Ass 2. I ordered it on Viewer's choice last week and it was really good. Normally, sequels don't live up to the standards of the original, but this one was the exception. Just when you thought he couldn't possibly stick it in her ass more, he'd go ahead and surprise you. Asstacular.


31)WENDY WHOPPERS "BEST PAIR OF THE YEAR" (Best tag team)
Nominees: Cade & Murdoch; Rated RKO; Cena and Michaels; WGTT; Motor City Machine Guns; The Briscoes, Team 3D; LAX, Styles & Tomko; MVP and Hardy; Jesse And Festus; Londrick;
 
Sean Carless: What? No love for me and Derek? Fuck you guys then.
 
Anyway, my choice is actually Cade & Murdoch, who managed to make me care about them after 3 years of umm, not? Yes sir. They put on good matches, developed a great heel shtick, and had a pretty dang good run as Tag Champions. Unfortunately, it all ended under the weight of a panting HHH (the same visual Steph had 9 months to the day before Aurora Rose was born), and eventually the dropping of said belts to Hardcore Holly and his partner DEFAULT MAN from Smackdown vs. RAW 2008. The real shame though is that we never got to see love possibly bloom between Trevor Murdoch and Mickie James. And if a pasty white fat-man with a fucked up face can't get the girl, what chance is there for actual good looking people? Turns out "very". Oh well. 
 
Derek Burgan: It’s been done to death, so I was surprised at how much I enjoyed the MVP/Hardy storyline of tag team partners who hate each other. I remember when I first fell in love with this gimmick, back when Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels were teaming together, and I get to see a dozen examples of it done wrong each and every week on TNA, so it’s nice to see it done right again.
 
Justin Shapiro: It's Matt Hardy & MVP, simply put.  But the best pair of pairs is the ECW tag feud between M&M and MOORE WANG.
 
James Walker: While both Cade & Murdoch and the MCMG made great strides as tag teams this year, no one did more for their company than the Briscoes. I’m far from an ROH mark, but even a cynic like me can see that these guys are over, put on excellent matches, and give fans WAY more than they bargained for. Their feud with Steen & El Generico was great stuff, and I’ve still yet to see half of the matches from it. Now their feud with the Age of the Fall has awesome written all over it. Finally, throw in the fact that these two can legitimately main event any ROH card, and you have a situation where tag team wrestling is re-surging. Granted, it’s in the distant 3rd top company in North America, but these two are doing more for tag wrestling right now than anyone I can think of.
 
Catherine Perez: MVP and Matt Hardy, for saving Smackdown fans from the perpetual suckdom of regular Smackdown broadcasting. It takes a special kind of odd-couple, feuding tag team to successfully further a feud with each other while being on the same side. Of course, since I don't like Hardy or his rainbow-haired brother, I'm giving all credit to MVP.
 
Joe Merrick: I’ll go with Londrick. Definitely the most exciting team of the past few years when, lets face it, all they’ve got going for them is raw talent and not a whole lot of charisma to boot, so they work damn hard to get where they are.
 
Michael Melchor: Another landslide victory, this one for Jay and Mark Briscoe.  I could sit and list their accomplishments and why they deserve this award all day and half the night, but I still couldn’t top the line Dave Prazak gave after they defeated Steen and Generico – “You have just witnessed the new standard in tag team wrestling”.  That says it all right there.
 
Cameron Burge: Jesse and Festus! It's a stupid of Mice and Men gimmick if I've ever seen one, but it works. People whine and bitch about the gimmick, but you can't deny the in ring ability of Jesse, or the way Festus really plays his part well. Their finisher could use some work as it's probably the worst tag team finisher I've seen since Scotty Too Hotty used to climb up on A-Train's shoulders and make train noises as they charged at their opponents in the corner. Besides that, the few times I actually bother to watch Smackdown, I've enjoyed their match each time. That's more than I can say for.well just about everyone else on Smackdown right now. This is probably the team that Cade and Murdoch should have been all along, though I doubt they'll be getting much of the same type of push as the former.
 
Gershon Levy: Even with my minimal views of Smackdown, MVP and Hardy is easily the best tag team of the year.  They used some cliché storylines within it, but the two guys connected really well.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: MVP and Hardy were the most entertaining, and the Motor City Machine Guns were pretty cool, but again, it's all so lacklustre! There was nothing that stood out, no 'LOD', no Steiner Brothers (well, there was a Steiner Brothers, but they were decrepid), no Edge and Christian. It's been a shitty year for the biz that we love kids. Here's to 2008.
 
British Bullfrog: Well Rated RKO have the best name so...Londrick.
 
Sixth Child: Noticed how there are no cool names for tag teams anymore? Cade and Murdoch. Matt Hardy and MVP. Jesse and Festus. Deuce and Domino. You got something original for me, jerk-ass?

WWE WRITER: Uhhh, how about, "The World's Greatest Tag Team"?

Go fuck yourself.
WWE's tag-team division is woeful to say the least, which is sort of proven by my following choices. I'd say it's a draw between Jessie / Festus and Deuce / Domino. Jessie and Festus' shtick is just so absurd that they're hilarious. And while Deuce and Domino are blatant rip-offs of Andrew 'Dice' Clay, they hail from "the other side of the tracks". How can you not mark out for that?
 
Anthony Dean: Londrick, though always fun to watch, and though they held tag gold twice this year, have become sparsely used jobbers. Cade and Murdoch are the product of a depleted tag division, LAX haven't done shit since Konnan left, unfortunately, and MVP and Hardy, though good while it lasted, was just to further their singles feud. Finally, although they give funny interviews, Styles and Tomko are really just another thrown together stable team. My vote goes to the Machine Guns, although they haven't been given a ton of time on tv (and even less to look strong) or many interviews, they are great in the ring, and Alex Shelley is my single favorite wrestler whose name isn't Scott Levy. So, yeah, keep on pointing at your thumbs, guys, you really don't look like tools doing that! I really hope they get pushed hard in 08, and not just built up to lose to the Dudleys. Because that's what the X Division is for.
 
Neil Cathan: Motor City Machineguns. Those gusy are bringing tag wrestling back as an art form, and I love them for it.
 
Charley Martin: I hate to sound like a ROH-bot, because I'm not, but no other tag team, as great as some of them are, had a Briscoes-type successful year.

Winner: Mark and Jay, The Briscoes

 
Matt Folger: Is this a category, or a menu at Triple H's private kitchen? HAHAHAHA I kid, of course. Cade and Murdoch. Decent matches, decent heat, and subsequently playing bitch to Bob Holly.
 
Canadian Bacon: Matt Hardy & MVP. And good thing too, because when that Tornado that Matt's song said he slapped comes whirling back looking for bigtime revenge (on the account of all the disrespect), he'll have a buddy to help him take it down. So, that's my choice. Matt Hardy Version 1 and Montel Vesuvius Portsmith the II. They're awesome. 


32)FULL-FRONTAL FEUDITY (Feud of the year)
Nominees: Cena v. Michaels; Orton v, Jericho; Samoa Joe vs Dixie Carter;  John Cena vs Orton; The Undertaker vs Batista; Matt Hardy vs. MVP; James Storm vs. Chris Harris; Bryan Danielson vs. Takeshi Morishima; ECW Originals vs. New Breed;
 
Sean Carless: Tazz vs. The English language. And what a war it was. Just try putting your TV on closed caption while he's announcing sometime. It'll tell you to go fuck yourself after about 5 minutes.
 
My 1st Runner up is Undertaker vs. Batista, or "Deadman Walking... through a Pit of Danger." That was definitely the best feud Big Dave has ever been in. Although, I was intrigued to see more of, and in turn find out where his resentment towards basketball spawned from. Turns out, when he was 12, a BASKETBALL killed his father AND RAPED HIS MOTHER, and she became a lesbian as a result. Mostly because of an inherent lack of trust in men and durable sporting equipment. It's also the reason MVP dare not yell Ballin' around The Animal, lest he be destroyed with spinebusters, or spine-hurters, since I've yet to see someone crumple into a gelatinous boneless mass after taking one. True story.
 
Derek Burgan: I enjoyed the viral campaign of Age of the Fall vs. ROH. The whole Project 161 thing had me intrigued and I felt it played out in great fashion.
 
Justin Shapiro: Undertaker and Batista did have five great matches, which is five more good matches than I was expecting.  Didn't find it as compelling as Michaels/Cena though.  Also: Santino vs. Stone Cold, and Booker T vs. shortened versions of people's full names.  TAZZWELL.
 
James Walker: Hardy/MVP. How crazy is it that this feud has been going on for half the year, and we’ve STILL yet to see a one on one match between these guys? Granted, injuries and whatnot have prevented it, but the fans are still hot for this feud, and when it gets blown off, it’ll be worth it. Read that last bit again, will you?
 
Catherine Perez: Matt Hardy vs. MVP. I haven't been so impressed with a Smackdown feud since 2005's Eddie Guerrero/Rey Mysterio "Clash for Custody (tell me that doesn't sound like a bad WCW PPV)". Here's to hoping MVP gets drafted to Raw next year.
 
Joe Merrick: Joe Merrick vs. Anvil’s Swagbag. Never before have two literary heavyweights gone at each other at such force. The battle was brutal, lethal, hilarious, but in the end, it all became clear that there is only room for one sociopath racist Englishmen, and he wears an XXXL sweater. Anvil, it was an honour to fight you, a pleasure to beat your ass.
But seriously, I’d go with Matt Hardy vs. MVP, or at least some of it, because it showed that WWE can potentially make some decent feuds with some more than decent stars, and best of all showcases a somewhat ghost talent in MVP, who has fast become a favourite to many. So hats off to them.
 
Michael Melchor: Speaking of the Briscoes vs. Steen and Generico, those two teams defined “feud” in 2007.  Lights-Out matches, 2-out-of-3-falls, street fights...they not only did it all for hatred and gold, but they also gave a RoH first (and only, if Gabe Spolosky is to be believed) – a Ladder War.  Each and every time, there were awesome matches to be had and more to look forward to between the two teams.  THAT’S what a feud is about.
 
Cameron Burge: Have I ever mentioned that the title of this award disturbs me to no end? At least Taker/Teest didn't evolve any sporting equipment. I'd prefer to go back with my match of the year pick and go with Cena vs. Michaels as feud of the year. We've seen the "Feuding Faces forced to be tag team partners" bit a few too many times, especially with Shawn Michaels actually, but he managed to pull it off differently than he ever had before and when things finally paid off, they paid off big and I enjoyed it. The way they finally dropped their tag belts was lack luster at best though with the self elimination by Shawn in that ridiculous royal rumble, but besides that it was a good feud from beginning to end with great matches. Thumb up all the way. Fuck you IWC! Ha!
 
Gershon Levy: Being that Jericho’s return was one of the few highlights this year, I’ll go with his feud with Orton.  Even though his initial entrance was a little warm, the promo was awesome and actually got me excited for a change.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: MVP and Matt. Again. It's amazing that they have feuded all year without getting boring, and have barely ever squared off in the ring. That's a good build. I mean, fair play, Hardy WAS sick on him, but vomit makes for a great feud, right!? Look at The Warrior and Papa Shang... okay, strike that, what about... erm... SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M RIGHT.
 
British Bullfrog: I really enjoyed Storm vs. Harris, they actually made something good out of the very old idea of a tag team turning on each other.
 
Sixth Child: None of the feuds I saw in 2007 were anything worth writing home about. Once again we saw Michaels vs. (insert latest main eventer who swears he'll be able to end HBK's career), and Cena vs. (insert latest main eventer he'll pin clean). Case in both points was Randy Orton, who is now the WWE champion. 
Riiiiight.
 
I'll say Cena vs. Michaels. Taker vs. Batista was half decent while Matt Hardy vs. MVP turned stale after unleashing an endless string of skits more pointless than the Diva Search.
 
Anthony Dean: Undertaker-Batista seemed like one of the best main event feuds in a while. Storm and Harris had great hardcore brawls, with Storm looking especially strong in them, and Harris even received a main event push for a minute, but now they're back to being separate midcard heels and were even palling it up at the Angle Family Thanksgiving, so really, that feud was fucking pointless. Samoa Joe and Christian Cage was good too, and Chrisitan-Angle has great potential. However, my vote is for Hardy and MVP, which, although very good, came off as really great due to the lack of other worthwhile feuds going on, across the board, this year. It had a great face, a great heel, a rivalry with an actual motive, competition, and the championships really were secondary to the feud, while at the same time gave both the tag belts and US title some prestige with these guys fighting so hard for them. Both played their part great and I can't wait to see how it ends when Hardy returns.
 
Although, we really could have done without Evander Holyfield kicking both Hardy's and MVP's ass. That shit was like near Pacman proportions.
 
Neil Cathan: James Storm and Chris Harris had a good build up, and the final match blew me away. So I'll give them this award.
 
Charley Martin: As great and long as Matt Hardy vs. MVP has been, it has had so many bumps in the road. Gail Kim and Awesome Kong's feud is simple, effective, and physically brutal. Few words have been said between them. It's just as simple as this: Gail Kim is the champ. Awesome Kong is a massive powerhouse that wants the gold. Kong's physical dominance has made Kim ratchet up her intensity level to 11 to be able to compete. They are both coming off as total badasses and you actually believe the far smaller combatant has a fair shot to come out on top. How often does that happen in our WWE-dominated wrestling world?

The end result is an epic feud that makes 90% of the rest of the 7+ hours of mainstream “sports entertainment”-tainted professional wrestling on TV each week look like utter crap in comparison.

Winner: Gail Kim vs. Awesome Kong

 
Matt Folger: Originals Vs. New Breed was my favorite POTENTIAL fued and is the kind of fued that could have generated major heat and business if anyone in the WWE new what the fuck they were doing. "Fellas, I'm afraid we're going to kill off the fued. Don't worry though, I've got a great idea. We're going to make Bobby Lashley and Umaga the focal point of all ECW programming. No, no, of course not, he won't be the chapm the whole time. No, no, he will eventually drop the belt to ME. Yes, me. RVD, what are you smiling at? Are those Mallomars?"
 
Canadian Bacon: Layla vs. Kelly Kelly. It had everything the all-time great feuds have except the credibility, quality wrestling and fan interest. Everything else though was mint. I loved the food fight, especially. A lot of people don't realize this, but that's how Gotch and Hackenschmidt began feuding in the early 1900's. It's true. Some people might say "Bunk! It was actually over bragging rights over who was true Wreftling champion of the Earth" but they'd be liars, or members of their families, Wrestling Historians or anyone with basic common sense. Truth is, the bad blood started when Hackenschmidt threw a huge mincemeat pie at Gotch and it knocked his monocle flying! It was on from there, as they didn't say back then. This feud reminds me a lot of that historical tête-à-tête. Only Kelly is a much better worker.

33)"LIKE SCROTUM, HERE IT IS IN A NUTSHELL" (Single defining moment of 2007, good or bad)
Nominees: Chris Benoit's death;  SAVE_US.222; Hornswoggle revealed as Vince's son and ensuing ridiculousness; Booker T leaving WWE and joining TNA; Vince McMahon's "death"; TNA iMPACT! extending to 2 hours; Steroids brought into the forefront after GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED Murder Scandal; Cena raising his belt at the end of every damn PPV; Taker celebrating at Mania; Batista somehow involved in EVERY SINGLE World Title match for over a year straight; The return of HHH The midcard destroyer; Vince being shaved bald; ECW losing it's remaining "originals" and combining with Smackdown; RAW XV proving nostalgia is more entertaining than current product; 
 
Sean Carless: How dare that Batista wrestle for the Smackdown Title on like every pay-per-view!!!! It's shit like that that makes me want to snap into a rage and maybe kill my family and then myself with a Bowflex.
 
Derek Burgan: The Chris Benoit story may be the defining moment of this decade.
 
Justin Shapiro: Well yeah, this one is kind of a lay-up.  I always thought the Observer.com's trademark inadvertantly-misleading-headline-leading-to-brief-elaborating-sentence for the story should've been
title: "Chris Benoit Uses Weight Machine"
body: "... to hang himself."
 
James Walker: Benoit. This story shook wrestling to the core. We’ve dealt with wrestling deaths before, but nothing like this. I thought it couldn’t get any worse than Eddie Guerrero last year, but we were grossly mistaken in 2007. Tack on the now-infamous tribute show, and the steroid/head trauma uproar caused by this story, and this horrendous event will live forever as one of the most historically disturbing events in wrestling history.
 
Catherine Perez: More than anything, John Cena raising his belt at the end of nearly every pay-per-view has to be this year's single defining moment. It shows that WWE is so used to Cena having the belt that it almost seems like they have no faith in any other Raw main eventer anymore. If this year was any indication, expect to see a 365-day Cena reign next year. You can also expect another wave of John Cena "fuck-off heat" from half of every audience. When is everyone's boner with Cena going to go limp?!
 
Joe Merrick: Chris Benoit, no fucking contest. How can anyone look at the 2004 moment the same way again when not only are both guys dead but one of them turned out to be a child killer and the other’s widow is jumping Edge’s bones. Two legacies have been bastardised such to the point that neither man can be even thought of the same way again, and it damn near brought the entire industry to a standstill the likes of which have never been seen.
IN THEATRES THIS JULY.
 
Michael Melchor:  Like it or not (and I certainly don’t), but (now a three-time winner in one year for me) Chris Benoit takes this one hands down.  As much as it sickens me, it’s for one simple yet sad reason:

When people talk about 2007, will they remember that RoH made PPV?  That Donald Trump got involved in wrestling?  That John Cena became a household name?  That Raw put on one hell of a 15th anniversary bash?  That TNA kept backsliding like an insincere alcoholic?  That Bobby Lashley became a bona-fide star?  That Randy Orton won the WWE Title?  Nope.  None of that will matter one damn bit, because the horror and cowardice of Benoit’s actions – and the media (and soon to be Congressional) shitstorm that followed – can’t be forgotten no matter how hard we try because of its scope and immensity.

Cameron Burge: I think we all know that the single most defining thing of this year was most certainly the death of Chris Benoit. I'm going to couple this with the steroid scandal and be serious for a moment [/Lance Storm]. There was a moment there when we thought wrestling actually was never going to be the same when this all blew over, but as it turned out, things leveled back out to the way they were before, just minus one guy's very existence. I suppose we'll never know what really happened with Benoit to make him do what he did, but the good that came from it in focusing on steroids has actually helped in making WWE more serious about its wellness program. We can only hope that kind of attention will last, but proof of that remains to be seen.
 
Gershon Levy: The steroid use in wrestling coming to the forefront after Benoit is by far what this year will be remembered for.  There was so much revealed about the industry (what is true and what is not is up for speculation) that I feel it had a lot to do with my respect for the industry at an all time low and the fact I am finishing this year going out of my way finding other things to do on nights wrestling is on TV.
 
Anvil's Swagbag: Chris Benoit takes this dubious honour. So congratulations to him! And any wrestlers out there aspiring to be the single defining moment of NEXT year, consider killing your wife and son! It's tried and tested!!
 
British Bullfrog: I think this years nominees are the best we've had in this category, all of them stake a pretty good claim. I'm going to for a tie between the extra hour on Impact and Booker T jumping to TNA. These are important because these are the two biggest steps we've seen towards TNA becoming a genuine threat to WWE, and competion for the "E (as anyone who reads most of these nominees can testify) is something the business desperately needs.
 
Sixth Child: For me, it was the RAW broadcast from Italy back in April.
I would rather tear out my eyes and replace them with my testicles (which would still constitute "eye balls") than watch that episode again, which had the crowd and myself bored out of my fucking skull. Vince babbled on the mic for 30 minutes straight (in ENGLISH to an ITALIAN CROWD), followed by the debut of Santino Marella (whose uselessness as a face matches Mick "OK, I'm going for real this time. Honest." Foley) and a Diva fashion show. Let me repeat that; A FASHION SHOW at a WRESTLING EVENT! That's like going to a taping of Jerry Springer and seeing "Rent".
To me, this was the personification of how saturated and pointless WWE TV has become. The amount of time, money and resources they piss away every year is staggering, all so Vince can boast his product has no off-season, days-off or reruns. It's that very reason why I and many others like me feel that watching WWE has become a chore. It's all about the bottom line with Vince, but any fan with an ounce of self-respect will take quality over quantity any day of the week. If I have to sit through, say, 10 weeks without wrestling in order to get 42 that are worth seeing, you bet your ass I will sign up for that.
Meanwhile on the other side of the security barrier, wrestlers are putting themselves through hell to keep up with the demand piled onto them. This year alone saw most of WWE's top stars injured (Cena, HHH, Edge, Lashley), a laundry list died due to substance abuse after being led around the country like fucking circus animals, and one even murdered his family as a result. You'd think that would be enough to get the geniuses at the company to come up with some other plan, right? </high horse>
 
Anthony Dean: Chris Benoit murdering his wife, son, and then himself. The most mainstream media coverage wrestling's received since the days of the PTC, and featuring people almost as mentally deficient. It affected everything - from storylines on tv to Congress calling for hearings concerning steroid use in wrestling, not to mention the horrifying details surrounding the story. It caused WWE to revamp it's Wellness Policy and even caused talks to start about a wrestler's union (not that they went anywhere, but still, TALKS). Yeah Cena sucks and Vince fucked up a few big angles and a bunch of guys got caught with steroids, but really no one's gonna remember any of that. But everyone's going to remember what Chris Benoit did. Now, I've heard of scapegoats, but dear lord. I guess Benoit really WAS dedicated to the business. I'd tell Vince to give him a raise if he wasn't, you know, dead and if Vince wouldn't pretend to not know who I was talking about.
 
Neil Cathan: Steroids. Even the Guardian has done an article, admittedly a crappy one written with no knowledge of the business, on Steroids in wrestling and Chris Benoit. Or at least I think so. It was kinda crappily written, so I couldn't really tell. It certainly pretended to be.
 
Charley Martin: This is hard to say, because I want to say how unprecedented Batista string of title matches is considering ¾ of them he's come in as the challenger. Hmm, guess I just said it. Now then, Benoit and steroids being brought into the forefront has been easily the hugest deal. Steroids are THE hottest topic in all of sports and wrestling is no exception, so I think it's a pretty obvious decision at the end of the day.

Winner: Steroids brought into the forefront after GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED Murder Scandal

 
Matt Folger: Of course, the obvious winner and ONLY possible choice for this is the single event that had the most impact on the industry. It forever, or at least for now, changed the publics view on wrestling and it may never...eeeeever change. I of course am speaking about....The Battle of The Billionaires at WM23!! Oh my god, how awesome was that?!? The crazy build up, the AWESOME payoff! Seriosuly, it was the best! Oh, and some guy with a cross for a face did something bad apparently. FUCK THAT, Vinnie Mac and the Donald in a FEUD, baby!
 
Canadian Bacon: Easy. The return at RAW XV of Abe "Knuckleshuffle" Schwartz. Wrestling's only masturbating gay baseball player. It's true. Truth is, Knuckleshuffle was blackballed (He must have not came in a LONG time) from the sport he loves, Baseball, in 1993 for chronically interfering with himself in the dugout. TRUTH. Unfortunately, he never really translated to the ring, and disappeared soon after. It was a real shame. He still had so little to give.
 
 
34) 2007 TWF WRITER OF THE YEAR
The following Award falls into two categories. The first winner is the READERS CHOICE, and was determined in an online poll on the site by YOU the Readers of The Wrestling Fan.com. And the 2nd is the Staff Award, based on a collective vote by ONLY the Staff members themselves. This Award is bestowed upon that individual who has stood out and maintained consistent quality throughout the entire year.
 
Nominees: Anyone on Staff who has contributed a piece or column in the 2007 calendar year.
 
Click HERE to find out the Winners!


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).