Welcome to the 4th ANNUAL FANNY AWARDS! The Fanny Awards are not a collection of Awards celebrating "ass" (although we understand that Vince McMahon would probably prefer that it was) but rather the patented tasteless Year-End Awards that only The Wrestling Fan.com can provide. We actually have no idea if anyone else can provide them, but damn it, it sounded like a great boast so we went with it. Anyway, these Awards are not you regular "year-end" fare, as we choose to forsake traditional serious opinions in favor of...pretty much making fun of everything we can. We're silly like that. And oh ya, chances are you'll probably be offended. It contains foul language, sexual situations, and humor that will deeply disturb many. Just like any great movie. And if they don't? Well, good for you! You'll fit in perfectly around here. To everyone else though, you can access our complaint department by clicking the large red X in the top right corner of the screen.
With that said, let's get to it! Let's get to the 2006 FANNY AWARDS!
Anyway, on with the show!
1)THE FALSE FINISH. This is the award that honors one star, saying "I can't fucking believe he/she lived another year."
Nominees: Jeff Hardy, Juventud Guerrera, Scott Hall, Lex Luger, Mae Young, Billy Graham, Fabulous Moolah, Raven, Sabu, Kurt Angle, Jake Roberts, Jimmy Snuka, Roddy Piper, Terry Funk, The Eddie Guerrero storyline
Sean Carless: Sabu! People have been labeling him "suicidal" for years! And yet we never heard his cries. And sadly, you can't crazy glue a broken heart...
...OK, maybe not. My real choice though is the most obvious one: Roddy Piper. Just a month ago, we all made jokes about Roddy's ridiculously bloated white body (I originally suggested hitting the beach, but was afraid he'd spend most of the day running from guys with rain slickers and darts trying to roll him back into the Ocean) but unfortunately, just two weeks later we were informed that he had Lymphoma (and not an allergy to some 12,000 bee stings, as his physique suggested). I feel for the Hot Rod. But I have no doubt he'll find a way to pull through. (I mean Scotty 2 Hotty beat Cancer, and Jesus, that guy hasn't been in the position to beat ANYTHING in YEARS!). But still, if you're a gambling man, you had to go with Piper. Then you had to reconsider your choice in Casinos. Holy shit, what kind of place has bets like that?
Derek Burgan: Unlike the snakes he is in charge of, Jake Roberts defies all odds by living another year. Talk about a guy on borrowed time as he should clearly be living every day like it was his last... because it can and probably should be. Roberts' actions in RF Video's On The Road with Jake Roberts show in a nutshell exactly where this man is in his life, and for what should be no surprise to anyone reading this, that place is exactly where he was 5 years ago and 10 years ago. A sad state of affairs for a wrestler I used to go completely nuts for back in the day.
Justin Shapiro: Hey, Jeff Hardy is doing darn well for himself, at both living and wrestling. He deserves some sort of coming back from deathwatch award like the Kickout. And as for Kurt Angle, none of that is true. Mae Young has reached a point where she's too brittle to do angles; how the mighty old have fallen. But I am voting for the Eddie Guerrero storyline in large part because it overcame the "True Finish" of Eddie Guerrero actually dying and TV is still being based around him.
Joe Merrick: Eddie Guerrero Storyline. Admittedly, though, as truly awful as this is, I really wouldn’t mind seeing it done in other forms of media. Think about it:
COMING THIS SUMMER. A woman is widowed, her children half orphaned, such is the fate of Steve Irwin’s wife and family. And just when they thought it couldn’t get any worse…a villain known as the STINGRAY terrorises them. “You keep looking into the Heavens, Mrs. Irwin…but Steve’s not up there. He’s down there. IN HELL! I mean, ain’t you watched South Park?” Cue orchestral music!
Anyway, seriously, I would have thought it was easy to stop talking about a dead person. I manage it fairly well with that girl who wouldn’t put out, after all.
Remy: Well, come next year I don’t think Piper will be on this list anymore. I could make a tasteless joke about his lymphoma, but really I would rather rip off a Pinkerton classic. Let me put this in terms you can understand. Piper is like a cake recipe. And his white blood cells are eggs. And the cancer is like sugar. And he’s dying.
Michael Melchor: In the eyes of most, Kurt Angle would be the obvious choice here. However, he took a schedule that allows for plenty of rest and healing, so he doesn't win this one. I'll give this, instead, to Eddie Guerrero. Yeah, he's actualy been dead for over a year now, but tell that to WWE's writers. The way he keeps coming up in SmackDown's storylines, he may as well still be kicking.
Cameron Burge: Jake Roberts is alive? I’d convinced myself long ago that the original Jake the Snake was killed in a horribly twisted night involving hard booze and some of the ugliest hookers you’ve probably ever seen in your entire life. The Jake we see today is obviously just some sort of beer powered robot a la Futurama’s design specs. But every year he holds on, I become more and more convinced that something just isn’t right. Perhaps someone should look into Jake’s possible involvement with the occult. Ever wonder what REALLY happened to Damien? (And it’s name was fucking Damien! How more satanic can you be?) Can we say SACRIFICE?
Canadian Bacon: Definitely Cpl. Kirchener! And FOR REAL this time! You see, through the Baconman's EXHAUSTIVE top-notch investigation (I've been called a white Hugh Downs) into the RESURRECTION of the good Corporal, I learned of his deep dark secret! He was LEATHERFACE! And he might not be near death Health-wise and such, but I assure you once the authorities catch up with him, he's not long for this world! You don't just trap, murder and cannibalize teenagers in the Texas badlands and not expect some sort of Rammipercussions!
Gershon Levy: Since many of these nominees are nominated every year, I’m going to go with a first time nominee that should have not lived ever (and the pun is intended). The Eddie Guerrero storyline should have ended when he did. Even back in January when Rey won the Royal Rumble I remember finding it really irritating that they were pushing him based on their friendship. The fact they continued to piss on his corpse repeatedly throughout the year and even got Vickie involved only made it worse.
Dr. Gonzo: I'm not falling for Mae Young again. Not like I did that fateful drunken night 5 years ago. Not again. That was my hand they aborted! Anyway, this year I am going to go with Billy Graham simply because he would always go to Coffee Bean next to my old job, and that has to be good for his health. Also because there is also a very popular preacher of the same name, and it's gotta be a miracle that TWO Billy Grahams survived the year. Honorable mention goes to Mae Young, she'll always be in my heart.
British Bullfrog: A close one this year I have to say, with responses for each of these nominees longevity ranging from 'thank christ he's still with us' to 'just fucking die already'. This one has to go to Jimmy Snuka, the man can't even go out in high winds for fear of being reduced to dust and blown away.
Anvil's Swagbag: Three things will survive the Apocolypse. Cockroaches, twinkies and Roddy fucking Piper.
He will even survive cancer, guaranteed! …Partly because he has already hired a cure after seeing this ad in a newspaper…
‘Have a cancerous tumour on your body? Feel like no amount of chemo can save your soul? You need ME!
BOOGEYMAN’S CANCER BITE! One nip and it’s gone!
NO SCARRING OR YOUR MONEY BACK. WE DON’T BELIEVE IN CONTINUITY.
Cancer? We’re coming ta get ya…’
Oh Roddy, you’re so resourceful.
James Walker: Jeff Hardy. Oh sure, you may be thinking that I’m picking him because he’ll seemingly jump off anything as long as there’s a stack of precut tables underneath him, or maybe even because he’ll seemingly snort anything as long as there’s a stack of precut lines underneath his nose, but you’d be wrong. No kids, I’m picking Jeff Hardy, for I fear that at birth, Jeff was given all the charisma, patchy-beard abilities, and Matt was given all the dedication and immortality. Meaning that while Jeff is bound to drop dead any day now in the midst of a giant orgy, Matt is going to live a lonely life jobbing to the Rob Conways of the world until some pointy-eared elf takes him away on a boat to a different world at the end of a really long movie. You decide who has it worse.
2)YER FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Best instance of a company giving some fuck-up his walking papers.
Nominees: Juventud, Psicosis, Johnny Devine, Justin Credible, Kurt Angle, Kid Kash, Bob "Hepatitis " Orton, Heidenreich, Orlando Jordan, Tyson Tomko (Problem solved!), Boogeyman (for a cup of coffee anyway), Road Warrior Nepotism err, I mean Animal.
Sean Carless: Justin Credible; who gave up a LUCRATIVE career losing to Kurt Angle after one fucking headbutt to possibly return to his former employer: TARGET! (maybe?). Which I've heard isn't just the coolest, and isn't just the best place to work, it's...well, you know how this is going to end. That's right. But hey, whatever. I'd choose Target over ECW, too. After all, unlike ECW, at Target, you're probably performing in front of more than a hundred people... even if all you're doing is stacking cans...
Anyway, the best part about this "firing" is that WWE wanted to release him by phone, but Credible just wouldn't answer Johnny Ace's calls. And that my fiends is
Just Incredible the smartest thing he's done in YEARS. After all, if you're a WWE midcarder, taking one of Laurinaitis's calls ends just about as well as the one you get after watching The Ring videotape. Good on you, Justin Credible. Now get back to work. That patio furniture and bedding isn't going to sell itself! Tombstone piledriver in Aisle seven!
Derek Burgan: Animal gets my vote as it was almost a little commupance for how his career has gone. He was used one last time to put over a Road Warriors DVD, and then kicked to the curb, by his own brother no less. Couldn't happen to a better guy.
Justin Shapiro: Road Warrior Animal was probably the best because he was actually protected and pushed, constantly beat MNM and wouldn't even lose to Matt Hardy. And with his brother in charge it was impossible to gauge how long that might last, so it was a relief that it did not. But hey, get this breaking news item: his son plays college football and during a broadcast of The Football Big Game, some announcer used the word "piledriver" whoa but I'm serious, that really happened, this is big news.
Joe Merrick: Ok, frankly, I’m disgusted that Heidenreich is on this list. The guy gave us the best theme music since Mr. Perfect and not a ONE of you appreciates him for it. I surely cannot have been the only one inspired to hire a huge, sweat-ridden hairy bastard to snarl the syllables of my name as I entered a vicinity? What do you mean I was?
Anyway, I’d go with Juventud and Psicosis. You can always get more Mexicans to do work for you, after all.
Remy: Kurt Angle’s on this list? Seriously, that’s like having a list of “TWF’s most productive staff members” and including the name “Remy.” What the shit kind of sense does that make?
Michael Melchor: Psicosis, by a landslide. What better way to fuck up a great opportunity with the biggest wrestling company in the world - complete with a push! - by holding your buddy at gunpoint, jacking a car South OPf The Border and going for a OJ-style high-speed chase. Rube. Taco Bell will be glad to have the star power on their side, I'm sure.
Cameron Burge: Can you possibly lose when you finally fire OJ? I mean come on, keeping a suspected murderer on staff is just bad form and can only spread rumors. But I hear he’s fallen on bad times after losing his book deal, which is just too bad. Wait…did I get the right OJ? Either way, that just goes to show you, Orlando Jordan is so UNinteresting, the only things I can find to talk about are other people who share his initials.
Canadian Bacon: OJ the murderer!!!111 It's about time someone fired this Orlando Jordan from the Smackdown roster! I can't believe WWE would turn a blind eye to Homicide! (he's just so talented in TNA. What gives?). Although, I've heard that his house guest Kato (of the Orient Express) can back up his Alibi, so that's prolly why he's still a free man.
Anyways, at least now the Divas are safe. You think Orton pooping in bags was bad? This guy put them IN bags! Forever! I means, it's a little weird that Christie Hemme, Dawn Marie, Jazz, Molly, Ivory Francine and more all DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY while he was under contract, don't you think? Coincidence? I think so.
Gershon Levy: So many good choices here, but gonna go with Orlando Jordan. Much like the other OJ’s “If I Did It” confessional, he should have never been on television to begin with. At least Fox had the decency to not put OJ on television. Hell, I don’t even like orange juice commercials come to think of it.
Dr. Gonzo: Since my sabbatical for a year, I really had no idea that most of these guys were wrestlers and then fired. Anyway, Juvi is always a popular choice because this guy could find a way to fuck up a job that pays him to get high and run around a hotel naked. Wait, where do I sign up? I chose Heidenreich, and this may be the only time that he may win something, but he's obvious. From frozen Nazi, to schizophrenic, to the happy go lucky poet, to the man who packs more fudge than the characters on "OZ", the man of a ton of terrible gimmicks, and one wrestling move, finally got what was coming to him.
British Bullfrog: Psicosis wins hands down on stupidest reason for getting the boot but this one has to go to Orlando. The only thing I can compare his release to is the feeling I would get when my father finally got tired of holding my head under the water and let me breath glorious air. Then he'd take out the belt...
Anvil's Swagbag: …and just like the cancerous tumour from my last nomination, Boogeyman popped back up to cause more misery. Also like cancer, the Boogeyman killed my granddad.
Okay, fine, he didn’t actually kill my grandad. But I hate him all the same.
Boogey is my nomination, purely because he should have stayed fired.
James Walker: It’s just incredible that Justin Credible managed to fuck up an incredibly easy gig, but you can’t deny that firing him wasn’t just. All the guy had to do was occasionally lose to CM Punk, and he had a job. But ohhhhh nooooo, good ol’ Aldo Montoya decides he’s too good to show up to ECW house shows (him and 6000 other fans), and promptly gets fired quicker than JR during a sit-down interview with Kane. Impact Player? More like “iMPACT!... hey there.” However, Justin HAS stayed busy since his firing. He’s the spokesman for Target now, and is famous for his catchphrase: “Not just the coolest, not just the best. That’s Just Incredibly Low Prices!”
3)POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR. Backstage maneuvering should be rewarded in year-end awards, just like it's rewarded in real life.
Nominees: Triple-H, Shawn Michaels, Undertaker, Jeff Jarrett, Kevin Nash, Sylvan "When does Patterson get back anyway?" Grenier, Kurt Angle, Michael Hayes, Dusty Rhodes, John Laurinaitis, Sting, JBL, Jim Ross, Vince Russo, Jim Cornette, Simon Dean, that Stark Ravin' Hulkster, dude.
Sean Carless: Hulk Hogan. The ONLY man in wrestling history to job to a couch...and NOTHING ELSE in 4 years. Huh. Seeing how The Hulkster apparently takes to living room furniture the way Superman does Kryptonite, clearly Randy should have shipped a Barcalounger to Hulk's dressing room pre-match at Summer Slam. He'd have won by forfeit (bruther). And we'd get to start one of those swank "Get well, Hulk" letter-writing campaigns again like in 1990! (dude). We all win! (unless you wrestle Hulk. Sorry... Bruther).
Derek Burgan: This award should be renamed the Triple H Lifetime Achievement Award and be given to him until he dies.
Justin Shapiro: You don't have to politic when you're already the King, so maybe we should disqualify Hunter and Jarrett from now going forward to make it a competition. I think Kevin Nash wins by being truer to the spirit of the award. HHH and JJ don't have to try, but Nash still has to go through the motions. And to punctuate his X-Division burial and avoided job by getting a new contract afterwards when they done swore they'd never work with him again? That's just choice. Happy Slammiversary baby, I got you on my miiiiiind.
Joe Merrick: Joehammad Faykoon: "Every single damn one of them. You see one black guy in that list? Oh, way to go trying to appease us by giving Lashley the ECW title, crackas. Now how about awarding him with a belt that you didn’t buy in a fucking Target store. "
Remy: Hulk Hogan, easily. At least DX is subtle about … oh God, I couldn’t type that with a straight face!
Oh well, backstage maneuvering is the only kind of maneuver Hogan can pull of these days. If he tried anything else he’d need to bathe in virgin’s blood for a week just to heal.
Michael Melchor: This is a tough one. DX should win because of their being damn-near indestructable (in Kayfabe terms) because they decided to resurrect a face team. However, I'll hand it to Hogan for the one act of disgust known as SummerSlam 2006. A shitty match with Randy Orton that he almost didn't participate in until it went his way? Yeah, that's enough for my vote.
Cameron Burge: Ah, my old fall back topic. What kind of Raw Recapper would I be if I, the man who suffers through shitty skits, corny dialogue and replayed gags week in and week out, if I didn’t give this award to Triple H. Once again, he’s proven that even when he isn’t strapping on the gold, he’s still the head of the show. In fact, I managed to experience a week recently where I couldn’t even remember John Cena was champion. Do you realize how sad that is? And what’s worse, with the focus of the show being little more than jokes that are nearly a decade old? I’d rather be forced to sit in an elevator with Carrot Top, Gilbert Gottfried…..you get the point.
Canadian Bacon: The Honourable Steven Harper, Prime Minister of Canada, Land that I love! That's why Canada rules (and is God's backyard. It's true. Heaven is north, and Canada is north, do the math!), only in Canada would we elect a guy from a predominantly redneck area who supports a completely orchestrated war and gives tax breaks to the rich and big business!!!!111 You'd NEVER see that in the U.S.! Score one for Canada!
Gershon Levy: While I would like to say both Trips and HBK for dominating the storylines the second half of the year and squashing everyone in existence, I gotta go with the Hulkster because his routine has gotten older than he is. He makes a “special appearance” (and in this case he wasn’t even promoting himself) gets in a feud and then beats whoever he’s feuding with. Sorry bruther, but nostalgia is only good in small doses.
Dr. Gonzo: Since Trips and Shawn managed to stay out of the title chase for most of the year, and still have more TV time than New Orleans, Michael Richards, and the Crocodile Hunter combined, they would be a great choice. Honorable mention goes to Sylvan Grenier, a man so gay he sits with 4 of his friends on one upside down chair.
British Bullfrog: Sting, I mean he's managed to get a main event status out of a career that basically entails him standing in the rafters looking threatening in face paint. It's a bit like that sit-com Joey, just cos one thing impressed us in 1997 doesn't mean we give a shit now.
Anvil's Swagbag: The Hulkster gets paid more money than anybody else to stand stiller and more immobile than anybody else in the centre of the ring throwing faker punches than everyone else and burying more up and comers than anyone else. I predict that by this time next year the Hulkster will FINALLY complete his bid for the presidency.
Sylvan Grenier. Some of the guys on the list are proven draws, some have actual talent, some are entertaining, and some once were in a tag team with Shane Douglas. However, if anyone is the best at “backstage maneuvering”, it’s Sylvan Grenier. “And zis… zis is called… LA WHEELBARROH SUPLEX! SANS SUPLEX!” I find his new ambassador gimmick rather hilarious, for he truly has an ass like a door. (You don’t want to know what the key is, trust me.)
Oh, I kid. Sylvan, I’m just giving you a hard time. Sylvan Sez:
I wish you’d give me a hard time, James...
4)STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE: (wrestler who's gained the most weight)
Nominees: Scott Hall, Jake Roberts, Raven, Big Show, Mark Henry, Test, Lance Cade, Tatanka, Mick Foley, JBL, Tazz, Roddy Piper
Sean Carless: I don't even know why Jake Roberts is on this list this year. Sure he looked like shit and all, but at least he didn't look quite as much like David Crosby's evil Devil worshipping twin brother (I was convinced the REAL reason Damian starved to death was because Jake ate all his food) as he did last year.
Now with that said, in my ever so humble opinion, if you've seen THIS PIC, then you'll know there is only one CLEAR winner here: Scott Hall. Dear God, man. Either this poor awkward bastard is auditioning for the lead in the sequel to Just Friends, or he stepped on a fucking Jelly Fish (The world's only recorded half-ton one). Man, if this is what sobriety is like, I suggest Hall toss his antabuse out the window and crack open the first bottle of Beam he can find.
Derek Burgan: I think my vote has to go to Scott Hall on this one, as he looks to have eaten the old Razor Ramon.
Justin Shapiro: The winner is Test, and the terrifying part is that it's no bodyfat whatsoever, it's all VEINS and INTERNAL ORGANS.
Joe Merrick: How can Big Show GAIN more weight? Surely he is at the point where if he gained a single pound more, he would actually penetrate the Earth’s crust, plummet through to the Earth’s Core, sizzle in the magma for a bit, causing the entire world smell of that fresh ‘in the morning’ bacon aroma, before falling through the other side and then just…floating off out of the atmosphere, where he eventually drifted so far away that he became his own Solar System.
There, the life that eventually grew here would become sentient race of beings called the Grolk. They evolved frying pans for hands, and so were never unfed, became brilliant office workers due to their typewriter heads, and had their libraries were the most tranquil in the galaxy (“SHHHHH!”) Although their irrigation had a lot to be desired. Most of the time, they ended up spraying each other with raw sewage. An originally peaceful race, which would soon become warlike due to Mankind’s pestilent nature (no, not Foley), causing an all-out intergalactic war the likes of which the universe has never seen.
In short, please, just go on Atkins or something, Mr. Wight
Remy: Now that Piper has cancer I think we should nominate him for next year’s category of “which wrestler has lost the most weight.” Just saying. That wasn’t a joke so much as MEDICAL FACT. I expect to receive plenty of hate mail regardless. Pussies.
Michael Melchor: What the fuck happened to Jake Roberts? Did he get sobriety again? That would explain the almost doubling of his weight when he showed up in TNA for a brief stint this year. Mind you, I'm glad he's off the rock (otherwise he'd have been a shoe-in for THE FALSE FINISH award), but now it's time to take the next step with Weight Watchers.
Cameron Burge: Let’s go with Lance Cade on this one. He left as a sculpted Greek God, and returned as a shapeless mass of hanging flab barely resembling his former state of affairs. In fact, if it weren’t for that name tag he gets when he comes down the aisle, I’d be more likely to believe he’s in fact the actor who played Jabba the Hutt rather than the Rasslin’ Cowboy we knew and loved. (Well…knew anyway.) but seriously, what the hell was he doing in his time off, eating every scrap of food he could lay his grubby hands on? Did he change his name to Lance Café when we weren’t looking?
Canadian Bacon: Stephanie McMahon. She just kept inexplicably getting FATTER and FATTER over like a nine month period in 2006. Jesus, girl, show some willpower!!!111
Gershon Levy: I don’t think any of these are a surprise that they gained weight, so I’m going to go with the guy who LOST the most, Chris Masters. He’s leaner and meaner but I think the mean part is because he’s off the juice and it’s causing a chemical imbalance.
Dr. Gonzo: Big Show and Mark Henry have had their own gravitational pulls for the last quarter century, so they are disqualified. Mick and Tazz aren't wrestlers, so that doesn't matter. I think Garrison Cade might be the clear winner as I haven't seen something that fat and white since,well the Big Show.
British Bullfrog: Scott Hall just fails to surprise me now so I give this one to Roddy. He was clearly more haggis than man when he came out in his speedos to pair up with Ric Flair this year, it had people turning off faster than the network premiere of Worlds Funniest Child Rapings.
Anvil's Swagbag: Hall:-‘… uhhh… hey yo. This meat tastes like worthless shit. What is it?
Nash:-… It’s you, buddy.
Hall:- …that would explain it.
Having said that, I nominate Jake Roberts. He seems to have even failed TNA’s drug testing… ummm…. Fucking wow.
James Walker: What about me? WHAT ABOUT MY THYROID? Yes folks, that’s right… this year, Raven was more like a stuffed turkey. I’m serious here – Raven should change his name to Penguin or something, because there’s no way he can fly with all those extra giblets he’s carrying around. Though, this does finally explain how he was able to lure Sandman’s son over to siding with him – he simply took him to McDonalds every night. QUOTH THE RAVEN, ‘NOTHER TWINKIE.
5)PUSH THAT MAN!......INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC: (for wrestler who is least deserving of a Push.)
Nominees: Randy Orton, Jeff Hardy, Umaga, Test, Lashley, John Cena, Batista, Mark Henry, Great Khali, Voodoo Kin Mafia ( The former James Gang), Boogeyman, The Miz, Robert Roode, Tatanka, Chris Masters, Hardcore Holly, The Gymini,
Sean Carless: Man, there's a veritable smorgasbord of shit being served here. Tatanka wouldn't be a bad choice, because I'll be honest, I figured he'd have been wished well in all future endeavors by now (in addition to having his pink slip wrapped in a blanket laced with small pox). It'd also have been easy to pick Miz, but in the grand scheme of things, how much of an impact does The Miz even make? (although, I'd like to put it to the test. Only in my version I'm dropping him off a "building" and the "impact" is him...dying? Good enough.).
Anyway, ultimately, my choice ended up being a man who is not only OVERPUSHED, but more significantly, does impact the wrestling landscape: Randy Orton. And he may not legitimately shit in anyone's bags (thus eliminating his place alongside other great pro wrestling squat shitters like Scott Hall (Lawler’s crown) and Curt Hennig (in a bucket under the ring while Ultimate Warrior was waiting for his special entrance.) but there's still a smell of Shit: BULLSHIT. I mean, I don't think Randy's terrible in the ring, an abysmal promo, or anything like that. It's that I just don't see what the company SEES IN HIM, that merits push after push, in addition to the fact that they tentatively pencil him into EVERY Wrestlemania Main Event each year....until they realize that A) He's a real-life fuck-up, or B) He just doesn't have that big-time main event credibility to pull off the potential they mysteriously see in him. He's a decent hand in the ring, sure, but answer me this; is there anything he does or says that just obviously screams that he's "the man"?
WWE is notorious for doing this shit. The "Billy Gunn effect" I call it. They see a guy who possesses the raw tools THEY THINK a main eventer should have, then push him repeatedly, despite how little impact they make on crowds, buyrates and ratings. Face it, there's just nothing that justifies this guy's top of the card push. Come on, WWE. Wake up. You don't get the Nobel Prize for attempted Chemistry.
Holy shit, did I just write a serious paragraph? Let me remedy that, stat! Umm, what's the difference between toilet paper and Diva's clothing? Nothing if you're name is Randy Orton! There. (I know he doesn't really do that. But cut me a break.)
Derek Burgan: You can almost make a case for anyone on that list (well, maybe not Tatanka) for having at least something that had promise. In the case of The Miz, WWE was counting on his legion of MTV and reality fans which never existed in the first place.
Justin Shapiro: Well, Great Khali is the least talented, but they did make it work for like a ... month. Tatanka wins because he has a WWE job despite being a potential choice for this category twelve years ago (in the awards Sean Carless drew with crayons in his Play Pen).
Joe Merrick: Iron Sheik: Great Khali.
Joe Merrick: Why’s that, Sheik?
Iron Sheik: He is not a PROFESHNULL.
Remy: I’m surprised it’s not on the list, but I’m going to go with DX. I am tired of their stupid juvenile bullshit. That’s MY humour, assholes. Except I do it a million times better, of course. lol dx likes cocks lol.
Michael Melchor: It never ceases to amaze me that you can take one half of 3 Minute Warning, turn him into Kamala 2.0 by deprogramming the English language from his brain, painting his face, and giving him a manager and giving him the biggest push this side of Brock Lesnar. Swear to God,
Jamal must have something on somebody in the front office. And what "wild, uncivilized savage" had gold teeth, anyway?
Cameron Burge: Randy Orton. How do we make the Rated R Superstar suck even more (like it was possible?). Add him into a played out attention feud with Degeneration X and give him the world’s most chin lock happy wrestler. When fucking JR is pointing out on national television that you use rest holds too much, it’s definitely time to rethink your move repertoire. And let’s not forget the famous, shit in the gym bag incident, that kind of stuff just screams “deserving”. now every time the WWE signs a new female wrestler, I can’t help but imagine Randy channeling the comic dog: “That’s a nice gym bag…for me to poop on!”
Canadian Bacon: No one. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you NEVER push a wrestler. That's foolish. They have muscles and know how to do lethal maneuvers like the feared and respected HIP TOSS (invented by Thurman Hiptoss in 1920 in Hungary) and I don't want none of that!!!11 (There is no known counter besides not hurling yourself in the air).
Gershon Levy: The Miz because just what WWE needs is a gayer version of Ryan Seacrest.
Dr. Gonzo: I want to say John Cena only because I hate him as a face, but he is a big draw, so scratch that like my nuts. I would have to go with Lashley, a man as big as a house and with the personality of a peanut. He is a bust as a face and like any monster with bad mic skills and some in ring talent, he needs to turn heel.
British Bullfrog: There are some things it's OK to be funny about, i.e. 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina but then there are some things that you just don't joke about, like being cock blocked. That...that just aint funny. The fact that The Miz is an active part of the WWE roster is another thing that merits no mirth. He is the single most annoying man on the planet BAR NONE and desperately needs to be quietly taken out to the woods and tortured for 24 hours before being left to bleed to death. I didn't feel 'shot' encapsulated my anger efficiently.
Anvil's Swagbag: Gonna have to go with The Boogeyman and The Miz. The only thing they will ever have any success with in a push situation is pushing me closer to suicide.
Did I mention that The Boogeyman killed my grandad?
James Walker: Orton might show less enthusiasm, Jeff Hardy might be more of a crackhead, Test might be more of a roid freak, Lashley might be less charismatic, Cena might be less innovative, Batista might try less, Henry might be slower, Khali might be greener, VKM may be staler, The Boogeyman may be less determined, Miz might be more annoying, Roode might be blander, Tatanka might be fatter, Masters might have a shittier finisher, Holly might be more of a politician, and the Gymini might be more blowfish-like, but Umaga really hurt a fake lesbian a few years ago. That makes him a jerk in my books.
6)LT. WORF COMMEMORATIVE "CLING-ON" AWARD: (for the wrestler who has stayed employed through all odds.)
Nominees: Stevie Richards, Sylvan, Rob Conway, Shark Boy, Norman Smiley, Balls Mahoney, Sabu, RVD, Chris Masters, Rob Conway, Charlie Haas, Val Venis, Funaki, Scotty 2 Hotty, Snitsky, David Young, The F.B.I. , The Bashams, Vito, Mike Knox.
Sean Carless: Stevie Richards. Let's face it, if a Nuclear war ever breaks out, the only thing left remaining will be rats, cockroaches, and Stevie Richards. And the sad part is poor Stevie will still be expected to put them over.
Derek Burgan: When Stevie Richards is finally released, and people realize how long he has been a paid employee of WWE, I think mouths are going to drop. A part of me thinks it must be some error in WWE Accounting, not unlike the character Milton in Office Space.
Justin Shapiro: One more year for Steven Richards and you have to name the award after him.
Joe Merrick: Man, Rob Conway’s so resilient he made it into the list twice. A-HA! So that’s why he’s still here! Clearly he has managed to gain clone technology that has created a copy of him. No matter who fires him, he will always be back in some way, shape or form!
Either that or he simply sucked off Vince, which is always a wonderful cliché.
Remy: Scotty 2 Hotty. He was a worn out gimmick in the 90’s for fuck sake. I imagine that his asshole must be equally worn out if he still has a job. LOL HOMESEXUALITY LOL.
Michael Melchor: The team of RVD and Sabu have this one in the (dime)bag. Fuck up the prospects of a fledgling resurrected brand by getting busted for drugs and still sticking around in the spotlight, defying the "Wellness Policy"? Wish I had that kind of talent - although my wife is probably glad I don't.
Cameron Burge: Balls Mahoney! Nothing quite hanging someone who manages to just keep hanging on (HAHA! Hanging….) thanks to his sheer testicular fortitude. Or rather, his Testicular humor. The highlight of the man’s matches are the crowd getting to scream “Balls’ at the top of their lungs without drawing attention from local police officers or making any old women in their general vicinity faint. So perhaps Balls serves a purpose in society. Allowing men and women everywhere to work out their need to scream names for testicals to the rooftops without worry of retribution! He’s a true patriot to the common man!
Canadian Bacon: The Undertaker. The way he's always dying all the time, you'd think he'd be a liability to the company!
Gershon Levy: I think I am going to give it to any ECW original that has managed to stick around as the show becomes more and more WWE every week. The fact every week they bring in Raw and Smackdown wrestlers shows how much faith they have in these guys.
Dr. Gonzo: Every year I am shocked that they dig up Scotty 2 Hotty, a man whose worm collects more dust than mine.
British Bullfrog: I'm going to give this one to The Big Valbowski because I genuinely forgot he still had a contract as I read this.
Anvil's Swagbag: Shit, Rob Conway still has a job??
Line up each and every ECW Original in this list and watch The Pied Piper of Wrestling, Vince McMahon, lead them off the side of a cliff like a bunch of lemmings.
Except Stevie Richards.
Vince:- Sho I shed to Thurner… no you cahnt buy me out. Thizziz my busssssniss.
Stevie:- So… about that contract extension…
You know, I think they ALL deserve this award, so I’m going to give each man a little speech. I feel like I’m handing out “Participant” ribbons at the Special Olympics.
Stevie Richards: Look at it this way, man. At least people don’t SEE you jobbing anymore.
Sylvan: I’d had given you this award on his own, but I’m afraid you’d take the whole ”Cling-on” thing to a whole new (fecal) level.
Rob Conway: Look at you, Look at you! You’re quite a sight to see. It’s just a shame I only get to see you twice a year.
Shark Boy: I think you should change your gimmick to a McRuff: Crime Dog rip off, and then “take a bite out of crime” like only you can. Heck, you should gnaw on the asses of prison inmates, which surely wouldn’t result in any forced anal sex, what-so-ever!
Norman Smiley: You deserve this award because any time I try to do the “Big Wiggle”, I get arrested by the police. Maybe I should put on some pants.
Balls Mahoney: I don’t know about other people, but MY balls NEVER get a job. Sigh.
Sabu: I’m surprised that you still has a job, for you claim to be homicidal, yet that’s CLEARLY infringing on Khali’s gimmick.
RVD: The reason I think you should get the “Lt. Worf” award is simply because I can easily picture you sitting on your couch, chowing down on a bag of Funyuns, giggling incessantly about Geordi La Forge’s air filter. … while being the first WWE champion to get caught with marijuana by the police.
Chris Masters: Frankly, you doesn’t deserve this award, for you’ve got the MASTERLOCK applied on his job. Except in this case, we’re the ones who can’t get out of the pain you’re bringing us.
Rob Conway: TWF Fanny Awards… the only place where you can see Rob Conway TWICE in one sitting.
Charlie Haas: Looking like you’ve taken a second mortgage out on his cardboard box, I’m surprised you have a job, let alone with the WWE.
Val Venis: Hello, Sunday Night Heat.
Funaki: You still have a job? Indeed!
Scotty 2 Hotty: I think the WWE is only keeping you around so you can eventually feud with the Boogeyman. Though, if given the worm treatment, would that count as self-fellatio?
Snitsky: Hey, they’ve gotta keep you around incase one of the divas decide to pull a Dawn Marie.
David Young: Not so much as a “Diamond” in the rough, as you’re a “Clumpy, dirty piece of Carbon that infects the lungs of miners” in the rough, but whatever.
The F.B.I.: You guys deserve this award because of the way you screwed up with those World Trade Center Attacks! I mean, geez! I’d think you would have been fired YEARS ago!
The Bashams: It’s such a surprise that you two still have jobs; I mean, if Chris Kanyon will get fired for being gay, surely Homolition (TM Sean Carless) would too.
Vito: What were the chances of a cross-dressing Italian ogre not getting over? 1:1? Oh.
Mike Knox: It’s SO DISPICABLE that the WWE would employ A WOMAN BEATER. I mean, what’s next, one starring in a WWE Film?
Congratulations to all the winners! See you again next year! (if you’re obscenely lucky)
7)I WOULDN'T KICK HER OFF MY FACE (Most fuckable woman in wrestling)
Nominees: Whomever you'd wear like a feedbag.
Sean Carless: Lita. I know what you’re thinking. And I’m serious. A lot of people frown on Lita, but I am NOT one of them. As much as I make joke (after tedious joke) about her, the honest truth is I’d have the sexy time with her in a heart beat. Not only because I find Goth/punk/sleazy/promiscuous/umm, alive? women sexy, but because there is no substitute for experience (I tried a rubber vagina once, but that didn’t work out too well).
See, the irony is sex might be the only activity in the world where we vilify someone for having tons of EXPERIENCE at it. I mean, do you want someone to make you a hamburger who’s never handled ground beef before? Or do you want someone who slept her way through Mexico in exchange for training? Wait. That doesn’t make sense. But all I know is I’m hungry and horny now, and that is NOT a good combination.
Derek Burgan: I'm going to the indies for this one, as Lacey's "FUCK WAR" photo shoot moved her right to the top of the list.
Justin Shapiro: That's just ... vulgar. Mickie James when she was dressed as Trish Stratus. Or vice versa.
Joe Merrick: Drunk Guy: I like the one with the massive tits, an’ ‘ardly wears any clothes or owt…that one, yeah…I’d ruffle her up some, oh yes I would. Fact in my day, they had us molesting girls in bars and getting paid for it, they did…just to keep em down a peg, you know what I mean? Their egos get as big as their tits sometimes…
Remy: “So, Joe, who do you think you’re going to pick for this category? It’s tough just picking one.”
“Ah, well, after I drink warm beer and I make sure not to brush my teeth I am definitely going to vote for Vito. What a sex-kitten!”
Michael Melchor: Jillian Hall. Seriously. I don't know what it is about her since she has the same plastic-bottle-blond look that they'd prefer ALL Divas have, but she's the one I'd like to lock myself in a hotel room with and see who comes out still standing.
Cameron Burge: Rather than pick just one woman, what I believe I’d like to do is construct my own. And rather than wind up with some hideously deformed BEAST that wants to take revenge upon me and all my kin, it would just be the perfect amalgamation of wrestling divas. Now all I need to do is acquire a chainsaw, Melina, Mickie James, Lillian Garcia, and a world renowned plastic surgeon, and I’ll be set to build my creation! It liiiiiivessss!
Canadian Bacon: I'm gonna shock everyone and choose Vickie Guerrero! She's got garbage in a large crate used to house old clothes! (or whatever that saying is about asses!)
Gershon Levy: I’ve been in love with Mickie James since she debuted and that hasn’t changed, but I would like to also give this award (preferably in the privacy of my bedroom) to Maria who while she was hired via the Diva Search, is someone I never get tired of seeing, as well as using her to help the stock of Kleenex rise (and me).
Dr. Gonzo: Easily this goes to Mickie James, a woman who has probably the best ass in wrestling history. I have a list of 300 things I would want to do with her. The things I would do to that chick, and her spectacularly luscious ass would make Ron Jeremy barf. Wait. I just thought of number 301.
British Bullfrog: Trish fucking Stratus. No joke here, she's just damn fine.
Anvil's Swagbag: Gonna have to nominate Stevie AGAIN here. The daisy dukes are MEGA tasty, and that Tyson Tomko match? Hoooo-oooot.
James Walker: For the second year in a row, Maria gets my
knob nod. I don’t know if it’s because you just know she’ll do anal as she’s dating CM Punk, or because her character leads me to believe that she wouldn’t even know what’s going on during it, but I’m smitten by the gal. Out of character, she seems like a very intelligent and well-spoken woman, but who the fuck cares, look at them real titties! Ha ha, yes, this is why I’m single.
8)EVEN WE WOULDN'T HIT IT. (Who was the most unattractive woman of the year?)
Nominees: Whomever. You'd rather be stabbed in the soul, then touch this particular woman.
Sean Carless: Stephanie McMahon. OK, I'm lying. I'd hit it. If by "hit" you mean literally. And by "literally" you mean with a car. and by a "car" you mean a silly convoluted joke that's gone on too long now. Oh. I'd still have sex with her though.
My real choice is Sirelda from TNA. I don't what they were thinking there. I'm sure she's a lovely person and all, but you get a few of these Serelda's running around, and all of a sudden fucking Senshi is looking feminine. No offense to her. Maybe I'm just spoiled by Vince McMahon's vision of "beauty". But there's a reason why women like the German Olympic Team never release swimsuit calendars. Just saying.
Derek Burgan: I can't believe there was even a time that I found Lita very attractive. Did I just not notice her slowly "losing it" over the years, or was she hit incredibly hard with an ugly stick during the Matt Hardy/Edge drama? Regardless, 2006 became the year when that fucking tatoo on her shoulder wasn't the ugliest thing on her body. That title now goes to "her body."
Justin Shapiro: Candice Michelle is not *staggeringly* unattractive, but I would like to see her hit.
Joe Merrick: Joe Merrick: Sharmell. Once you go black, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO WHITE AGAIN.
Joehammad: Fuck you.
Remy: I’d like to say Sharmell, but then everyone would think I’m a racist just because she’s black. So I guess my answer is going to be … Sharmell. Hey, I’m not racist, some of my best friends are black people (well, maybe not, but in fairness that’s just because there are no black people in Canada [/Bacon]).
Michael Melchor: Michelle McCool, simply because she's from Palatka, FL. I've lived there before - for three long miserable years. The land of the inbred. Where Cable television is the latest technological advancement. I'd be afraid she'd want to break out a horse crop and ride me like "Danny the Wonder Pony" from Jerry Springer's show. Frightening.
Cameron Burge: FABULOUS MOOLAH! Oh god…the images….the horrible…horrible images! I’ll never drink and watch wrestling again I swear! If you need a description, it’s kind of like an elephant skin rug, only it moves around and makes raspy moaning sounds all while blowing dust out of its old, sagging vagina. Scared yet? If not, picture this: A hand crank vibrator and an old folk’s home yearbook will set her getting to town faster than a hamster in heat.
Canadian Bacon: Hit? My Mom taught me to NEVER hit a woman (and to not try to put my dink in the old-style door keyholes. Live and learn!).
Gershon Levy: My vote goes to Kelly, because she brings absolutely NOTHING to ECW. She can’t strip, she can’t dance, she can’t wrestle, she can’t even speak and sound coherent. I would honestly like to know if there is anyone out there who thinks she has any redeeming qualities, and then castrate them.
Dr. Gonzo: 6 words, Stephanie McMahon makes my dick limp.
British Bullfrog: Lita. She's not unnatractive in any way and looks mighty fine most of the time but the fact is she's more decayed down there than my grandmother. And she's dead.
Anvil's Swagbag: Anybody who read my Smackdown Reports know I hate Sharmell. So I suppose I’d better tell everybody except Sean that I hate Sharmell. Bitter much? Damn fucking straight.
James Walker: Torrie Wilson. Ok, let me explain this one. While I’m blatantly lying in saying I wouldn’t throw it in her, there’s no denying that she’s one dirty rig. When a girl has fucked both Kevin Nash and Billy Kidman, you know that her standards are about as vague as going into McDonalds and asking for “Meat and bread and stuff”. I could take the low road here and claim that she’s not as attractive as she once was, but really, who the fuck am I kidding? The way I see it, no IWC member has the right to call any standard diva ugly, because we’d probably be shaking something else other than their hands if we ever got a chance to meet them. Though, if I met any diva, I guarantee you, I wouldn’t just meet them, I’d meat them. … after I cholorformed them.
What does this have to do with Torrie Wilson, you ask? I dunno. I just wanted to call her a dirty rig.
9)THE DARSOW AWARD (For Wrestler who's persevered through a TERRIBLE gimmick/angle)
Nominees: Eric Young, Boogeyman, Matt Striker, Finlay & Little Bastard, King Booker, John Cena, Paul Birchill, Rob Conway, Rey Mysterio, Chavo Guerrero, Homeless Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin and his Mama. William Regal, Vito,
Sean Carless: Finlay and Little Bastard (which ironically enough I thought was my name until I was 8. Ah, psychological abuse. The memories!).
First runner up: Eugene the Evil retard. Once Adrien Brody blazed that evil retard trail in The Village, it paved the way for future generations of malicious disabled. Now we have another reason besides "their fucked up faces" to hate them. Thanks, WWE! You're always on the cutting edge!
Derek Burgan: Not only did Finlay survive with his gimmick, I'd say he thrived and had a chance to get over Little Bastard than the entire cruiserweight division. This topic was tough for me as Boogeyman, Striker, Little Bastard and Shelton's Mama were all gimmicks I actually enjoyed. Yes, I realize wrestling has officially destroyed my mind...
Justin Shapiro: Finlay has not only persevered, but he's taken a terrible gimmick and, through his Wrestling Acumen, gotten it really over. Honorable mention to Nick Dinsmore who, between being forced to play that character in public and the new RETARDANT EVIL turn, is literally having to persevere.
Joe Merrick: I gotta wonder just how far they would have gone with the whole Shelton’s Mama thing had she not been injured or whatever the hell happened to her. “AIN’T NO GROUNDING ME, NOOO!”
Remy: You know, if you had asked me a year ago if a revived DX could work, I would have said “you’re retarded, they’re too old.” But DX proved me wrong and really pushed past the “too old” thing to prove that the truth was they’re God damn shitty jokes far override their age as the number one reason why DX doesn’t work. Man I hate being wrong.
Michael Melchor: I have to declare a tie of SmackDown's finest. The Boogeyman is made up to look like Papa Shango 2.0 (what is it with the recycled gimmicks this year, anyway?) and gets hired back after taking too fucking long to rehab a bad knee. Meanwhile, Finlay is given a midget that hides under the ting and turns every match into a Benny Hill episode - and he gets more over than he was! Somebody please explain wrestling to me in 2006.
Cameron Burge: For those of us who have played the new Smackdown! Vs. Raw: 2007 game, you would know it’s probably a toss up between Boogeyman and Pirate Paul Burchill. Though, feeding the Undertaker worms after a match, thus relegating his diet to a proper one for a reanimated corpse does leave you with a good feeling inside, there’s something to be said about swinging from the rafters to the ring like the rejected cast member of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. And of course, one can’t forget Wench Regal (who’s cross-dressing self seems to be mysteriously missing from the game). So I declare it an official three way tie, and not the good kind that involves me, Melina and Mickie James as well as a great deal of twine.
Canadian Bacon: Paul Birchill the Pirate. And the sad part is he's apparently not even a pirate anymore. The WWE broke him. And to think the poor guy didn't even get a chance to rape, pillage and plunder anything! That's just heartbreaking. Well, WWE will learn it's lesson when God floods the world again, and Paul and his boat are NO WHERE to be seen to transport an animal of every kind (Batista and Joe Laurainitis) to safety. They'll kick themselves then.
Gershon Levy: Since I already gave an award to the Eddie angle, I’ll go with Vito here. There’s nothing more disturbing than a big man in a dress, though to his credit he looks better than Chyna would in a similar outfit.
Dr. Gonzo: Easily Finaly and the Little Bastard. I liked Finaly from the start, but once they added the little Bastard, I started to worry that it was going to kill his gimmick. Finaly, however, managed to persevere like my sex drive while I'm pounding fatties. Goes to show you how when you push someone as an ass kicker, he can get over in a flash.
British Bullfrog: Finlay and Little Bastard get the nod but I hate them for exsisting. You see, occasionaly I'll try and convince a friend that wrestling is actually an OK kind of sport but then some wise guy will always bring up the midget in a leprechaun suit under the ring. Midget in a leprechaun suit under the ring. Not unlike 'I'd love to visit you mum but I'm just so busy', it's a sentence I feel dirty just saying.
Anvil's Swagbag: The nominations here ain’t great. I mean, Jesus, can anybody REALLY say that Paul Burchill persevered through his gimmick? I’m sure that would be a huge comfort to him.
Me:- Hey, Burchill, you REALLY persevered through that Pirate crap!
Burchill:- Yeah… that’s great… you got any change?
Gonna have to be Finlay, because the King Booker gimmick is good.
James Walker: I’ve got an incredibly difficult task ahead of me right now – writing a paragraph about Finlay & The Little Bastard without making a Lucky Charms joke. Oh sure, you laugh at my plight, but you won’t be laughing when I’m making potato famine jokes, will you?
Never the less, despite all odds, the leprechaun shtick got over. When the newsbit first poked it’s head into the IWC, much like the birth scene in Rosemary’s Baby, we were all aghast. Here we had this legit tough guy who’s had the best comeback in recent memory, and is proving all the doubters wrong. He’s putting on great matches, and can make anyone look good in the ring, while passing on a wealth of experience. NOW LET’S SADDLE HIM WITH A MIDGET LOL!!! However, because Finlay’s mistreatment of the damn thing, and JBL’s over-the-top love for the little feller, it’s turned into a reliable gag that will all be worth it when someone hucks him 12 rows deep into the crowd. Some people might claim that having a troll-like munchkin might make the midget community angry, but I’m sure they’re just glad that they can get employment outside of Wizard of Oz musicals and Christmas. On top of it, I have to hand it to the WWE… hiring an irish midget? They’re truly showing that wrestlers can come in all shapes and sizes; like stars, hearts, and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons! Pots of golden rainbows, and me red balloons!
10)THERE IS A GOD! For the moment when Lady Luck gave us a lapdance. (award for unforeseen blessing in wrestling.)
Nominees: Kurt Angle wins Smackdown Title instead of Mark Henry, Edge vs. Cena feud, RVD wins WWE Title; Jarrett takes a sabbatical, Lita's Titty shirts, Booker T's title reign, Smackdown becomes more wrestling oriented, Benoit's return, Mark Henry let's nature do its job, HHH stays away from the world title, Finlay ascends to main event status, CM Punk debuts as... CM Punk and not something clownshoes like Johnny Pepsi, The McMahons finally leave TV, TNA goes primetime, Mick Foley's entire 2006 run, Kurt Angle joins TNA and feuds with Samoa Joe, JBL's Smackdown commentary.
Sean Carless: I really wanted to choose Angle jumping to TNA, but thus far I've been unfortunately underwhelmed. Although, part of me was hoping that since WWE apparently sent TNA a cease and desist letter on the name "Angle slam", that this would also mean that TNA would have been forced to rename him altogether. My suggestion of "Somas Joe" fell on deaf ears, unfortunately.
Anyway, my real favorite moment was when Mark Henry went down with career injury # 12,569. Not that I wanted to see him get hurt, I don't wish that on anyone. But rather because EVERYONE KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN but the WWE, apparently. Poor Mizark's career reads like a fucking scene out of the movie Final Destination. But rather than complex scenarios that unfold systematically leading to tragedy, he just falls down and blows something out because he's a fat clumsy fuck. Umm, close enough.
Derek Burgan: I'm going to vote for not only ROH's survival despite losing some key guys (CM Punk being the most notable) but for the fact they may have had their best year in existance. You can watch wrestling and see some pretty bad shows, whether it's any of the WWE three brands, or even their fourth brand TNA, but ROH will give you a solid show no matter what and more often than not a great show. With the Milestone Series, Glory By Honor V, and the UK doubleshot as notable examples, Ring Of Honor has shined in a wrestling year known for being, at best, boring and, at worst, downright unwatchable.
Justin Shapiro: CM Punk not only debuting as CM Punk, but also getting built up, pushed, and protected is one of the bigger upsets you'll see. Even if it was on Hardcore Velocity, the guy was still in a position to get cheered over DX and survive in a tag match with them at Survivor Series. "Johnny Pepsi," though, that's his prohibition-era gangster name, right?
Joe Merrick: As the smackdown recapper, I’m of course slightly more appreciative of the show’s focus on wrestling nowadays, but I think the one thing that made me literally sit back and sigh in relief and even laugh to myself fondly was Mark Henry getting injured.
Seriously, the guy is just a huge fucking black hole where GOOD wrestlers are sucked in and never fucking seen the same way ever again, and yet they call the other guy in TNA Abyss? This guy’s worse than the fucking Bermuda Triangle.
But what made it so much sweeter, was the fact that just before he left, you had assholes left and right suddenly ‘appreciating’ Henry’s ‘abilities’, and it felt so gratifying to see them shut their pretentious collective mouth as they realised SD was better off without the gigantic fuckwit. Seriously, I can’t even joke about this because Henry was the one thing I despised more than ANYthing this year…except retarded kids. Little bastards.
Remy: Edge/Cena had a great feud, and it’s the only thing that kept me watching.
Also, Lita’s titty shirts. I can’t even make a joke about that. Those were some nice boobies. And no, I’m not still talking about Edge and Cena!
Okay, that joke is funny if you can get past the “not making sense” thing.
Michael Melchor: Kurt Angle's signing to TNA not only made the "competitive" race between TNA and WWE something to watch, but it also gave us a slew of matches we thought we'd never see but now have the possibility of. AJ Styles, Sting, Samoa Joe (already happened! Twice!), Chris Daniels...the list of goodness goes on and on...
Cameron Burge: I’ll give this one to JBL’s Smackdown! Commentary as being the most entertaining announcer on any of the WWE products to date. At least he doesn’t call things in an awkward and unsure manner, nor does he fuck up every other move the wrestlers perform like a certain announcer with bells palsy and a black cowboy hat that shall remain nameless to save him from any extra shame. And even better, he’s not obsessed with dogs. I find JBL much more tolerable on the mic instead of in the ring to boot, so it’s a pretty much win/win situation.
Canadian Bacon: CM Punk and his Anaconda Vice. Which reminds me, I thought he said he had no vices?! Liar! Next thing you know we'll find out he failed geometry and his love of straight edges will be exposed as a fraud!!!11
Gershon Levy: Mark Henry’s annual injury was a huge blessing because he was so not deserving of anything, much less being in the main event. Good lord, his contract covered the entire Attitude Era and whatever this era is called (the Wigger Era?)
Dr. Gonzo: TNA and McMahons are a good bet, but I was very happy that CM Punk gets to be CM Punk and is getting over with it too. So much so that he got a big pop at the ECW PPV and once that piece of shit "federation" is shut down, he will go to SD, be jobbed and go to TNA.
British Bullfrog: The McMahons getting the fuck off my TV screen was a hell of a blessing but gotta give this one to Foley. Every match he's been in has been an absolute classic and the kind of gorefest I pretend I don't like more than technical classics.
Anvil's Swagbag: Gotta be Mick Foley for me. The guy had at least three five-star matches, shot some killer promo’s, and basically made me sex-wee a little. I still love Foley.
JBL has been great too though.
James Walker: For a couple of days this summer, all was well in the world. The weather was great, the air was clean, George Bush cared about black people, Lindsay Lohan put away her coke, and RVD was WWE champion. But, what goes up must come down, for as quickly as RVD rose up the card, he was shot back down jobbing to Test and Hardcore Holly quicker than you can say “Just act cool, man”. However, this taught the kids of the world a very important thing: WINNERS DON’T DO DRUGS. (Except from Hulk Hogan, Triple H, Barry Bonds, 80% of professional athletes, Bill Clinton, and every musician ever known on the face of the earth. But they’re far better people than you, fatso.)
11)BURIED ALIVE. Most frustrating burial of the year.
Nominees: Ken Kennedy and his "BIG WINS!" over Undertaker, RVD's speeding while weeding costs him his belts, Rey Mysterio, despite being champion; , Matt Hardy and his best of eternity series with Gregory Helms; Lashley, the not-quite-ready for primetime player (Playa?); Sabu's recent backstage Rip Van Winkle impression costs him his push; Balls Mahoney, Shannon Moore (all of a sudden stealing AJ Styles trophy is lookin' pretty fucking good), "Gunner Scott", Paul Birchill. Samoa Joe running on a treadmill to the World Title.
Sean Carless: Rey Mysterio, who unfortunately fell prey to more "big man has way with little person" scenarios this year than the Catholic Church. There's a slight chance I just wanted to make that joke.
Derek Burgan: Poor Rey Mysterio, other champions (see Goldberg in WCW) have been pushed as secondary even as champ, but have any other world champions been booked as losers in the history of wrestling? That has to be a first.
Justin Shapiro: Rey Mysterio must really suck at wrestling, because he loses to everybody cleanly. I have no idea how he finished so strongly in the "PWI 500."
Joe Merrick: Paul Burchill for me. I’ve seen this guy’s stuff here in Britain and he really is amazing. The guy is an understated BRILLIANT athlete and when he was given the chance to show off his natural British charisma they feed him to the aforementioned black hole of nothingness known as Henry. Honestly, I wouldn’t blame Burchill for having a ‘Kramer Attack’ for what Henry did to him.
Remy: Samoa Joe running on a treadmill to the World Title? HA. Maybe if Joe actually ran on a treadmill he would already have won the damned thing!
Michael Melchor: Paul Burchill. Come on - a pirate? Are we that desperate for some of that Jonny Depp/Disney action? (Oh wait, he wasn't even around when the movie - and the best opportunity to capitalize on his character - came out. Dumbasses.) This pisses me off because the guy is actually one hell of a wrestler. No, seriously.. And he gets this shitty gimmick to carry around? Why hasn't he quit or gone to TNA yet?
Cameron Burge: RVD's pretty good at getting himself buried and right now, Rob has himself so deep he might as well be coughing up dirt and earthworms from all the shovelfulls that have been dumped in on top of him. We finally got to see RVD on top, only for him to manage to get HIMSELF kicked off the top, what the fuck? You can only wonder though what this would have meant if it had been, say, Shawn Michaels and Triple H doing their best impersonations of Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong at seventy five miles an hour in a school zone (Most undoubtedly all while belting out the lyrics to Motorhead songs at an annoyingly loud decibals).
Canadian Bacon: Shannon Moore. I feel terrible for Shannon, the way she's been treated. She's still kinda hot though. (and normally I don't go for chicks with Mohawks and Adam's apples).
Gershon Levy: While it was probably deserved, the way they had RVD drop the titles was just depressing. From what I hear he plans to leave when his contract is up, and I don’t blame him.
Dr. Gonzo: As much as I hate Rey Mysterio, I couldn't believe when they gave him the title. Imagine my lack of shock when he was immediately pushed to the back burner and made to look like a total Lita. By that I mean a giant, loose, gaping pussy. And before you could stay steroids and beaner he lost the title.
British Bullfrog: The world title being the proverbial carrot on a stick to Joe's ever walking donkey gets this one.
Anvil's Swagbag: I want to say Eddie Guerrero. A full year after his death and somehow he wont stay buried. They just… keep digging... him up. But I’ll go for RVD. Because I can, and fuck you.
James Walker: I’m picking Brent “European turret operator” Albright. While guys like Kennedy, RVD, Hardy, and Burchill all deserve better than what they’re getting, at least they still have a job. Albright worked his ass in OVW, had a hell of a feud with CM Punk, with both men showing they can be top faces & heels, and put on the best matches Louisville has ever seen. They rightfully promote the guy to the main roster, where he gets handed some soap-opera-jackass-esque stage name, given no time to develop any sort of character, jobs out to a few people, and put into a bodybag. Then he’s fired.
You know, this makes me rethink this whole “university” thing I’m doing. I mean, if the WWE operates like any other business, I could graduate with honours, get hired by a big company, but instantly get fired because they don’t like my blue tie. But it’s ok, for they wished me luck in future endeavors!
12)SO GREEN, HE/SHE'S BROWN. (get out of the ring before you hurt someone...unless it's yourself, then it's OK)
Nominees: Great Khali, Mark Henry, Batista, Lita, Fake Kane, Miz, Boogeyman.
Sean Carless: I'd have perhaps chosen Boogeyman or Henry, but I don't want to light the potential racial powder-keg that could possibly erupt if I was to call them brown. (and also because I have no, umm, "fork" big enough to fit up Mark Henry's ass.).
By proxy of elimination, my choice is Great Khali. The only man in wrestling who takes a "Last Man Standing" match completely literally, and had an entire style of wrestling invented in his honor (Catch-as-catch-can't).
Derek Burgan: Since Khali has already killed someone in the ring, and clearly hasn't gotten any better since that fateful day, you'd have to had it to him over guys like Henry, Batista and Fake Kane, who only make the viewers wish like they were dead.
Justin Shapiro: Khali is so green that he's a 7 foot Mr. Yuck sticker.
Joe Merrick: Aw man, has to go to Great Khali. The dude might have wrestled tigers and anacondas and shit, but what they leave out is that he’s the only guy to ever sandbag a tiger and give an anaconda a broken leg.
Remy: K-fed. I mean, shit, it already cost him a marriage to Britney fucking Spears and yet he still wants to step into the ring? I’m not worried about twig-boy actually injuring a wrestler physically, but the guy is like a walking King Tut’s tomb: fucking cursed. It’s going to go something like this:
JR: Bah Gawd I can’t believe what a main even we’ve got for you here. BBQ SAUCE. Cena vs. K-fed will go down in the history books as one of the greatest feuds ever. And oh my, it looks like Cena has K-fed set up for an FU but … OH BAH GAWD Cena just EXPLODED spontaneously.
Michael Melchor: Bobby Lashley. Ahmed Johnson 2.0 (there we go again...) looks like he's getting in there and treating this like it's real. Dude, people have to jump INTO the back body drop for it to look really good; you don't have to rely on your own strength to make the move look good. And for this inexperience and "do it the hard way" mindset, HE'S given the ECW World Title? No wonder I fell out of love with wrestling this year.
Cameron Burge: Great Khali is SO green (how green is he?) He’s so green, he makes the ninja turtles look pink by comparison. *Tumbleweed blows by* …..you know what? You can all go fuck yourselves, they can’t all be gold. Khali just needs to learn that his shitty performance from Longest Yard is not the same kind of thing he should be doing in a wrestling ring. He may want to start over with the basics first thought. Like walking. If he could just master that I think we would be off to a great new start. Here’s a random fun fact though: Great Khali is the only wrestler on Smackdown! vs. Raw 2007 who weighs in as Ultra Heavyweight, a non-existent weight class for created wrestlers, yet Super heavyweight is delegated to even the Big Show? What the Fuck?
Canadian Bacon: Come on, guys, none of these guys are green. If Star Trek has taught me anything (and it's taught me EVERYTHING!) it's that someone who's green is usually not human. The 2nd sign is usually being from a different planet. I haven't seen anyone like that anywhere. Although, I have my suspicions about Super Crazy. I've heard from a few reliable sources (and they predicted Christmas would fall on the 25th this year so I believe them) that Super Crazy might be an illegal alien. I'll keep you updated on this story as it develops but not really.
Gershon Levy: Great Khali. I got an up close view of this 7 foot piece of crap at a live event. I don’t know if I have ever seen someone as uncoordinated and painful to watch as this guy. Come to think of it, maybe he’s the illegitimate son of Giant Gonzalez (thankfully without the awful costume). Did I mention he’s one ugly mofo too. I can’t believe he beat the Undertaker cleanly.
Dr. Gonzo: The Great Khali is an absolute waste of plasma. To make matters worse, they spelled "Worthless fucking loser" G-R-E-A-T.
British Bullfrog: See my answer to number 5 for my feelings on Mr. Miz.
Anvil's Swagbag: Okay, line all of these up. Then eliminate anybody who hasn’t killed somebody. There’s your answer folks. Simple when you think about it.
James Walker: Hmm… “get out of the ring before you hurt someone”… I wonder if, oh I don’t know, THE GREAT KHALI ever hurt anyone. I mean, I heard rumours of a 7 foot tall 400 lb Indian man who killed a man while he was training to be a wrestler because of his sheer inability to safely perform a powerbomb, but that guy was named Dalip Singh, and surely the WWE would never rename anyone, right Gunner Scott? So with that said, I have to vote for Chris Benoit. I mean, that crossface REALLY HURTS!
13)THE OWEN HART MEMORIAL WORST "HOOK-UP" AWARD (For worst Wrestling Couple, Real or Scripted)
Nominees: Trish & Carlito, Carlito & Torrie, Mike Knox & Kelly Kelly, Tracey Brooks & Robert Roode, Londrick & Ashley, Candice Michelle & Vince McMahon, William Regal & his penis, K-Fed & Britney, Chavo & Vickie Guerrero,
Sean Carless: Mike Knox and the world's only non-nude exhibitionist, Kelly Kelly. You could fit the combined charisma of both into a thimble. But thankfully that's over. We could all take a lesson from Mike Knox. Why break up the old fashion way, when you can just execute a nonsensical cooperative twisting neckbreaker that no one has EVER gotten over? There's no Hallmark card for that.
In a side note, apparently TEST of all people is actually dating young Kelly Squared in real life. Dear Lord. Imagine the kids those TWO would spawn. Tall, blond & awkward; inability to pronounce the word "about" and fasten/refasten anything with clasps, and teeth that could chew through a fucking sequoia in 22 seconds flat. I fear for humanity.
Derek Burgan: Colt Cabana and Lacey in ROH. Just horrible skits leading to a feud between Cabana and Jimmy Jacobs that no one wanted to see.
Justin Shapiro: Londrick and Ashley are precious! I don't know what Kelly Kelly saw in Mike Knox. Possibly nothing. Kelly Kelly may have dated Mike Knox because She's Only 19 and knew that "dating" existed but had never heard of "breaking up."
Joe Merrick: Surely if Regal and his penis were a bad hook up, it would have fallen off? Anyway, Chavickie wins this one. To illustrate why, I’m not even gonna say that it’s because of the Eddie stuff, but because of other reasons.
For one, they really clumsily call her a ‘Business Partner’ of Chavo’s. I’m sorry, but whenever I beat the unholy shit out of masked dwarves I don’t hire a business partner. I believe the word Chavo was looking for was ‘Crowbar’….Croooooow…baaaaar.
Secondly, she’s just BAD at promos. Fair enough she’s not trained to do so, but calling Teddy Long ‘Eddie’ just blows the lid off really, doesn’t it.
Remy: Carlito and Torrie. I love how they kept the angle going after Trish left and just inserted a different blonde bimbo. That is your wrestling legacy in WWE’s eyes, Trish. Next week, expect Torrie to retire as not just the women’s champ, but as the hardcore champ as well.
Michael Melchor: Trish Stratus & Carlito. It was common knowledge that Trish was retiring and that one of the main reasons was because she was getting married. To someone OUTSIDE of wrestling. So, what do they do>? Hook her up on-screen with a wrestler, knowing full well it couldn't last because she would have to leave. Brilliant.
Cameron Burge: Can we hand this award right on over to Mike Knox and his “special’ girl Kelly^2? What does such a fine upstanding man like Mike (damn, that was a hard one to type with a straight face) doing with a girl like Kelly Kelly anyway? She’s got that two first name thing going on like a fucking Nascar driver. And even worse, she looks so young, it’s like a pedophile’s wet dream gone horribly to life on stage. I wouldn’t even be in the least bit surprised to see Joseph Francis (who also has two first names. Coincidence? I think not!) show up during one of her “exposes” with his camera and a bottle of lotion.
Canadian Bacon: William Regal has to have penis hooked up? That's terrible! I had no idea there was a leprosy outbreak in Blackpool. I just figured the swimming there wasn't very reputable (they had to get that name from somewhere).
Gershon Levy: I’m going with Mike Knox and Kelly Squared because neither of them belong in wrestling. What’s up with their names anyway? Mike Knox, can you get any more generic? And why is Kelly named twice? She has more Kellys in her name than she does talents. Come to think of it if she was just Kelly one time, it would be the same.
Dr. Gonzo: Anyone and Carlito is the worst hookup, damn sleazy Puerto Rican. Vince can't seem to get out of the 90s as proven from his retelling of the Latin invasion and in this case the Latin is Carlito and the invasion is white girl vagina. Creepiest goes to Vickie Guerrero and Chavo. That's just WRONG.
British Bullfrog: I'm gonna be maverick and give the vote to the team of ECW and the WWE. Like my parents, they never were going to work together on a long term basis.
Anvil's Swagbag: I could give a SHIT about wrestling couples. So Carlito is getting some tongue from Torrie Wilson. That doesn’t make him cool. That means he had a spare 20 handy. Wrestling couples have sucked since Macho and Liz, with very few exceptions. So lets all raise our glasses to Mike Knox for knocking five kinds of shit out of his ho.
Stone Cold:- Hell yeah I’ll drink to that!
James Walker: Torlito. Hmmm… Carlito with a large breasted, veteran, charismatic blond woman in 2006… WHERE HAVE I SEEN THIS BEFORE? Really, if you think it’s necessary for Carlito to have some female interest, then go for it; but for the love of god, can the man at least have a slice of a different pie? There’s a buffet of attractive women in the WWE, and they make his character pick the pasta salad, even after he’s already had a couple of handfuls of it? If I were him, I’d at least try to stick my fingers into some of that fresh Diva Search roast beef, instead of settling for Billy Gunn’s, Jamie Noble’s, Nidia’s, Vince McMahon’s, Billy Kidman’s, Shane Douglas’, David Flair’s, Kevin Nash’s, Tajiri’s, Maven’s, Sable’s. Dawn Marie’s, Candice’s, Victoria’s, the nWo’s and the Filthy Animals’ passed-up coleslaw.
14)THE SHOCKY. Best blooper of the year, (named in honor of Shockmaster, of course).
Nominees: Batista botched powerbomb at Summerslam, Mysterio having to run out of a 'passionate grudge match' to put his mask back on, William Regal's penis, Mark Henry vs. a steel cage door; RVD and Sabu's ladder match of best intentions; Batista and Big Show stink up the universe on ECW from Hammerstein; HHH pulls a Lex Luger and jobs to his T-shirt on ECW, Lita's big bare tit makes air during Live Sex Celebration, Bob Orton and his hepatitis bleed all over Undertaker,
Sean Carless: William Regal and his penis. You got to admit this guy's dedicated to his craft. He's quite the method actor. While some people would, I don't know, WEAR UNDERWEAR under a towel in a fake skit, this guy fucking free-balls it. You can't teach dedication like that. And if they could, I'd suggest finding a new wrestling school. It can only end badly for you.
Derek Burgan: You gotta vote for William Regal's penis, if only for the surreal moment this year when WWE sent out one press release condemning adult nudity on TV and then a second press release immediately following that promoting LIVE STRIP POKER on ECW that week. Humor like that you can't write, and believe me, they've tried.
Justin Shapiro: What about all those hilarious bloopers that D-Generation X played on Mr. McMahon and his son Shane? Did you see the one with the rooster but they said cock? So hilarious.
Joe Merrick: I would have to say Regal’s exposure. The main reason is this one actually lives up to the name of the award in that it actually SHOCKED us when we saw it, as opposed to the usual cringe or burst of laughter you get from the other bloopers. Would have been funnier if we saw something like the brass knux being held onto his penis though. Hey, he has to keep them securely in his tights SOMEhow right?
Honourable mention to Mark Henry though, for sending his race back a thousand fucking years for discovering the basic functions of a door and acting as if he just invented the wheel.
Remy: Considering it’s the BEST blooper, I’ll go with Lita’s bare titty. Besides, I’m sure Joe already took “William Regal’s penis.” Not that I would have taken it anyway I just … God damnit.
Michael Melchor: Regal's pecker, easily. I love how female nudity is promised and never delivered, but male nudity is never mentioned but yet we get to see that. That's pure genius. You never know what will happen in the WWE - even if it's getting flashed with dude parts.
Cameron Burge: Good old Bob Orton. Imagine the look on Taker’s face when he got that special report? “Here’s an early Christmas Present, Taker…a DISEASE! Happy New Year too!” Luckily, being a zombie, the dead man is completely resistant to any and all diseases as you can’t kill the dead…unless their vampires you can stab those in the heart with a big stick. It usually does the trick. And Zombies, though I probably shouldn’t use the zed word. You can usually bash those in the head to take them out, but you might get red on you, it tends to make a lot of spray. Anyway what I was talking about? Oh yeah, blood borne pathogens. HA! Damn that’s funny.
Canadian Bacon: Bob Orton and his gingivitis. Although I never understood why Undertaker would be so angry that Orton didn't take very good of his teeth. Who knew Undertaker was such a fan of dentistry? No wonder he feuded so violently with Mick Foley!!!
Gershon Levy: Regal and his “ray of sunshine” since that one was so bad, WWE had to issue an apology for it.
Dr. Gonzo: Easily belongs to William Regal. Is that a chewed up vanilla tootsie roll?
British Bullfrog: The winner is Little William, who just doesn't know when to stay where he belongs.
Anvil's Swagbag: Henry, The Worlds Strongest Man, cannot remove a DOCTORED cage door. What’s up Henry, didn’t have time to POWDER YOUR HANDS before you went out there? Did the grip have slip?? Seriously, Henry’s credibility is like making love to Jenna Jameson. That shit doesn’t even touch the sides.
James Walker: Even the World’s Strongest Man can’t break the Masterlock! Except, in this case, it was an actual lock on a cage, the cage was rigged but he still couldn’t figure it out, the unedited video for it leaked on the net and Henry lost all credibility he possibly ever could have accumulated, and Chris Masters was too busy pumping his ass full of horse steroids. However, that still doesn’t mean that Mark’s ridiculously drawn-out, umm, penetration, wasn’t the funniest thing I’ve seen all year.
Now, I can understand Mark trying other means of entering the cage to put over the fact that he had to break the chain, but is it really necessary for everyone to play dead as this happens? Let’s not forget that Jimmy Kordeas actually had to run up to him and explain that it was the CHAIN that’s designed to break, not the cage door. To top it all off, Batista sold nothing more this year than Mark’s vicious, umm, shove? I don’t know, but the guy was knocked out for longer than most of the people I slip GHB to. (7 minutes, 44 seconds on average. FYI.) Tack on Cole & Tazz trying way too hard to do commentary as Henry shakes the cage in a futile entrance attempt, and I’m laughing pretty good. However, Tazz did utter one double-entendre that deserves full credit: “You’re just wasting time!”
Amen, little potato man
15)AHMED JOHNSON "CLOWN-SHOES' AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF RIDICULOUSNESS. (wrestler who fucks up, gets injured, or just plain has terrible luck one way or another)
Nominees: Chris Masters, Mark Henry, Great Khali, Boogeyman, Beth Phoenix, Lita, The Miz, Rob & Silent 'Bu, Party Marty (Jannetty) hired then fired, Bob "Hep cat" Orton and his secret tainted Blood. Oops!; Kevin Nash and his pre-ppv case of "Jobitis"; Charlie Haas and his Juggernaut run of destruction off the ropes;
Sean Carless: Although Charlie Haas's Juggernaut run of destruction was one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life, the obvious choice is RVD, who since he and Sabu got busted for pot, probably wishes for the days of that viewy glass ceiling (There's no view when you're buried in the basement up to your neck in shit.).
But rather than go over the entire scenario again, I'd rather re-post one of my favorite all-time satires on the RVD/Sabu bust, and what a subsequent "trial" might be like courtesy of Joe Merrick & James Walker from earlier this year:
Joe: I seriously want to see that court proceedings
James: *Sabu triple jumps into the stand*
Joe: RVD: You remember a time, where RVD had a vocabulary of more than dude, and whatever? Well now it looks like I need to learn 'Guilty!'
James: I can see the judge about to make his ruling, and Sabu just throws a chair at him
Joe: Fonzy jumping about with a whistle
Joe: imagine the witnesses
James: Beulah: IT'S TOMMY'S!!!
Joe: Tazz: Well...here comes the sentence!
James: Justin Credible: That's not the greatest.. that's not the best. That's Justin Credible...ly large amount of jail time!
Joe: Lawyer: Mr. Heyman, will you please come to the stand...Mr. Heyman are you crying?
Heyman: No, I was just smoking a joint in the back with RVD...oh shit
RVD: Way to go, you fat fuck
Joe: 'I got two words for you...NOT FREAKIN GUILTY'
James: Next ECW PPV: "Barely Legal... in 17 states"
Joe: Lawyer: So, Mr. Brunk, what do you have to say for yourself?
*Sabu Points upward*
Everyone: Huh? *Looks*
*Lights go out, and Sabu runs out of the courtroom*
James: Fonzie: "I'm declaring the chokeslam legal for one night only!"
Judge: "You know, we're probably just going to fine them..."
Joe: Joey Styles: I AM SICK OF YOU JURORS BUYING INTO THIS COURT CASE....AND SEMEN
James: Judge: State your name for the record.
Balls Mahoney, and the jurors: Balls, Balls, Balls, Balls... BAAALLLLS!
Joe: brings his own witness chair to sit in
James: When a mistrial is called, RVD and Sabu get the whole courtroom to celebrate, caving in the floor
Joe: Sabu goes to shake RVD's hand but RVD walks out
James: RVD brings in the MITB briefcase, and defends himself with his educated feet.
Joe: Lawler is..no wait, they wouldn’t let him in
James: He'd hang around the juvenile court room
James: Lawyer: Exhibit A! This bag of marijuana I hold before my face was found in Mr. Szatowski's vehicle -
*RVD spin kicks it into his face*
Joe: no wait, he thinks its Cena, so he misses completely...
Derek Burgan: RVD gets this one as he finally was able to burst through the glass ceiling (well, of sorts, they just moved him to another brand where there were no stars) and would have been a long time ECW champ. Instead he decides to speed and gets caught holding pot. Even stranger, he wasn't wearing a shirt while driving, which should also be some sort of ticketable offense. All that crap going down meant him quickly dropping the ECW strap and making sure he never gets a chance again.
Justin Shapiro: I saw the Charlie Haas Incident in person and it was like the Kennedy assassination. No one got heel heat that night in Pittsburgh. Not Vince McMahon, not Randy Orton, not Edge. No one save for Charlie Haas, who was booed IN A SHOOT.
Joe Merrick: Charlie Haas. I know the guy needed a push but I think trying to emulate Austin’s domestic abuse tendencies isn’t gonna get him quite the same legendary status. Suppose it’s better than if he emulated any other ‘legends’ though. IMAGINE if he wanted to be like Sheik. Poor Lillian wouldn’t have gotten up at all.
Remy: Watching Chris Masters transform from a hulking behemoth into a schoolgirl was highly entertaining. What schoolgirls do I know that look like Chris Masters you ask? Let me just say, you don’t want to know, and also, the only place that has woods deep enough to grow them exist in my part of the world (down town New York).
Michael Melchor: Charlie Hass, easily. Nothing like running the
ropes and taking out the announcer. And now, a musical tribuite to
Move bitch, get out the way
Get out the way bitch, get out the way
Move bitch, get out the way
Get out the way bitch, get out the way
OH NO! The FIGHT'S OUT
I'ma bout to punch yo... LIGHTS OUT
Get the FUCK back, guard ya grill
There's somethin wrong, we can't stay still
I've been drankin and buzzin' too
and I been thankin of bustin' you
Upside ya motherfuckin forehead
And if your friends jump in, "Ohhh girrlll", they'll be mo dead
- "Move Bitch", Ludacris
Cameron Burge: It would seem no one can quite top the poor timing of Beth Phoenix and her ill-timed injury. Multi-week hype leads us to a showdown between Mickie James and Beth that purportedly will reveal the secret connection between the two (probably some sort of lesbian stalker angle and who DOESN’T love lesbians? And stalkers? Not I!). Low and behold, one botched move later and we’re right back to Trish and Mickie again. Beth quietly recedes into the shadows of existence, never to be heard from again. Viscera probably ate her.
Canadian Bacon: Chris Masters. But I'm only choosing him because he never returned my email about hiring him to put my Bike in a full nelson so it wouldn't get stolen again.
Gershon Levy: RVD and Sabu getting busted pretty much ended both of their WWE careers. It’s only a matter of time before we see them in TNA.
Dr. Gonzo: RVD and SABU manage to go from the top stars in a 3rd tier promotion, to the bottom of the barrel with one fateful car ride. RVD and Sabu should take a note from Jay and Silent Bob: they never drive anywhere.
British Bullfrog: Ah RVD, you spend years sitting there doing nothing in this company and bitching about it, and the second they stop holding you back you fuck it up, Silly silly Robert. I don't feel too bad for the guy though, thanks to him we had to endure a Big Show title run. Bastard.
Anvil's Swagbag: I suppose THIS one has to go to Henry too, because of his ten year contract, the guy has performed for about two of them. I mean, this guy can’t even CONCIEVE properly. Although I’m sure his son is pretty handy. HA!
The Anvils Swagbag. Killing me so that The Great Khali doesn’t get a chance to.
James Walker: Marty Jannety. Come on, dude. The WWE keeps guys like RVD in the main event scene, so for you to not even make it to TV this time before you’re fired, you had to have fucked up real bad. I mean, we’re talking Stealing-A-Car-With-A-Gun-In-Mexico bad. I know, I know, a lot of people have said that was Psicosis, but who’s to say it wasn’t Marty Jannety under that mardi-gras mask? The police? Pffft.
But honestly, when you wake up in the morning and look into the mirror, what do you see? (besides razor blades and cocaine residue) You use to be such a good boy. Uhh… hmm, I guess you ain’t so bad now, after all. Keep on rockin’ in the free world, dude.
16)DON'T GO AWAY MAD...JUST GO AWAY. (For wrestler or TV wrestling personality you'd most want GONE from Wrestling)
Nominees: Vince Russo, Great Khali, Chris Masters, Umaga, Vince McMahon, Degeneration-X, Jeff Jarrett, John Cena, Batista, The Miz, Tatanka, Jerry Lawler, Hardcore Holly, Test, Ashley, Kelly Kelly, Don West, Michael "right in the skull!!!" Cole, Randy Orton, Mike Knox, Boogeyman, Mark Henry, Vince McMahon, Todd Grisham
Sean Carless: Vince Russo. Apparently (according to Vinny Ru) it was God himself who told Russo to return and write TNA. Man. If God was that angry at the world, why not bring back some time-tested favorites like a global Flood or Locusts? That's just cruel. ARE YOU NOT MERCIFUL?!
Anyway, rather than babble on (Babylon?) about Russo, I thought I'd just re-post a snippet from a Back-Leg Frontkick column of mine from 2004 when Russo became ordained! Sadly, things haven't changed much, so it all still applies. Here's what a church ran by Vince Russo would be like~!:
- Makes the women carrying around the collection plates wear bikinis and participate in the occasional "Baptism gown" match;
-Turns away Mexican and Japanese parishioners because no one would "buy" them as Christians anyway...
-During a sermon, he'll insist that Jesus was crucified on a "symbol" and not a cross.
- Performs baptisms in pudding instead of water;
-Attempt to bring in more church goers by staging "Jesus: This is your life"
-When someone doesn't tithe, he'll point that person out and yell: "You'll never see that bald piece of shit again!"
-He'll refer to Judas' betrayal as a botched heel turn.
-Refers to the time Jesus "cut a promo" on the mount of olives.
-Confuses his congregation by insisting John 3:16 means "I just whipped your ass"
-In an attempt to hook young people, he'll create "hip" and "edgy" youth groups like "D-Nomination X" and nWo (new World orthodox)
-When reading from the book of Revelations, and speaking of Armageddon, he won't be able to resist the urge to yell "Live on Pay-per-view!"
-And finally: throws down his collar in a SWERVE and yells that it was all a ruse!.... before ultimately going back to God three weeks later with no explanation given...
Derek Burgan: I'm going with Kelly Kelly's alleged boyfriend, Mike Knox, who brings absolutely nothing to the table that I can tell.
Justin Shapiro: Vince Russo won this award way back in 2000 (held at Sean's first swimming lesson) and 2002 (held at Sean's junior high dance) and yet he was hired again in 2006.
Joe Merrick: Jesus this is a tough category. It’s like a visit to the whorehouse, you can’t have just one, and no matter what, we’re still fucked. I’ll go with Holly, because I genuinely don’t think he can offer ANYthing to the industry as a whole anymore, considering that he never really offered that much in the first place. And replacing Sabu with him in the main event is like running out of logs to build a cabin, spotting some lego and going ‘Hey, you know, that works!’
Remy: Vince McMahon’s ass. And no, I didn’t mean K-fed. I literally meant his ass. But I’ll take K-fed too if that’s an option.
Michael Melchor: I know WWE loves big men whether they can work or not, but this is ridiculous. The Great Khali brings exactly WHAT to the table? A fugly grill? A huge pear shape? Christ, why couldn't we have left with on The Longest Yard in Adam Sandler's care where he belongs?
Cameron Burge: Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve had my fill of DX for another ten years, so if they could just pack up their bags and shuffle off, taking their bad 90’s humor with them, then I’d be a happy camper. Sadly. I was pretty much tired of DX before they even formed, being overly teased for the angle was beginning to drive me nuts (said the pirate of the steering wheel in his crotch) to begin with. Not to mention we then had to see them destroy the Spirit Squad at least a dozen times, burying the poor team into the dirt despite being the fucking tag team champions. And let’s not forget forcing the entire tag team division to job to them in a single evening either. The Highlanders never looked like bigger deuchebags.
Canadian Bacon: Umaga. He's set the hitchhking movement back thousands of years (back then you'd just hop on the back of their utility donkey). Besides, I'd like to know how he got those gold teeth. Who knew hip hop was so popular in the jungle? Wait. My Grandad always said it was jungle music, now it all makes sense!
Gershon Levy: I think DX has pretty much worn out its welcome. While I have no issues with Trips and HBK as singles wrestlers, “Re-Degeneration X” is lacking in so many ways with Hunter’s dominance in the storylines and Shawn holding back because of his soul being saved. Unless they bring in a new member, I would have no problem with the DX angle being dropped.
Dr. Gonzo: Well I take it Sean wants Vinnie Mac to go byby, which would explain why his name is on the list twice. I gotta say, everyone on that list is pretty appealing, so I choose "ctrl A".
British Bullfrog: Miz, again. I detest him more than genital warts and fat people.
Anvil's Swagbag: I’ll give you a clue. The fucker killed my grandad.
James Walker: As much as it pains me to say it, I want Vince McMahon gone from wrestling. His shit with DX this year was bad enough to get this award, but that’s just icing on the cake compared to the “I have the final say with ECW, Hire more hot broads, Why did so many people watch Ortiz VS Shamrock?” Vince McMahon I’m thinking of. I honestly believe that Vince McMahon is senile, as some of his business decisions (like having the Diva Search, despite the fact they no longer generate ad revenue on USA) have no merit what-so-ever. The guy has lost touch with his audience, but the entire wrestling community still hinges on his every move. He might be a great promoter, but he’s absolutely clueless when it comes to what his fans want to see, and for that reason, I want him gone.
However, if he were gone, you just know Big Steph would be taking over. And frankly, after we’d seen our 47th “Strong, Independent Woman teaches a chauvinist pig a lesson” angle in a row, male cheerleaders wouldn’t look so bad.
17)Who's "Necks-t"? (Award for wrestler most likely to get injured)
Nominees: Ashley, Batista, Big Show, Scott Steiner, Kevin Nash, Great Khali, Kurt Angle, Jeff Hardy, Test, Sabu, Carlito
Sean Carless: Ashley. Eventually they're either going to have to create new bones for her to break, or break out the 1995 WCW Yeti costume for her to wrestle in, because this girl is disintegrating faster than a leper in a hot tub. I mean, how many injuries has she had this year alone? Damn. Although, her dating Matt Hardy in real life now makes a bit more sense. She was probably hoping that by ingesting some of his fluids, that somehow his whole “not dying” thing would be transferred to her. No dice so far.
Derek Burgan: Are we taking real injury, or Kevin Nash phantom injury? If it's real, you'd have to think one of Test's lats are going to burst in the ring some time real soon.
YOU'RE DEAD (the crowd chant to Angle's music at his funeral.)
Joe Merrick: Carlito’s probably going to end up surprising us all by choking on an apple or something, but Kurt wins this one. Considering the heightened match standards on TNA, I really don’t think Kurt will last long before suffering a torn knuckle or sprained testicle or something.
Remy: Batista will have no choice but to relinquish his title again when he falls victim to THE DREADED COMMON COLD! I mean, seriously, at his age he’s lucky he can fucking walk (See also: Hogan, Hulk).
Michael Melchor: You wonder why Kevin Nash has only wrestled once since he came back to TNA? Granted, it could be because he's better at comedy and he's there to give some X Division kids the rub. Then, it could be because he couldn't make it across a regular 4-sided ring without tearing a quad and being out for 6 months, much less a 6-sided one...
Cameron Burge: Kurt Angle. It’s only a matter of time before the Olympic gold Medalist finally breaks down entirely like that car you got when you were sixteen that your parents patched together with “love and duct tape” to run for you. Then one day the bottom fell out and you’re watching the engine block tumble out onto the road behind you as you cruise slowly to a stop. What? That didn’t happen to everyone else? A purported addiction to painkillers is certainly no encouragement, so I think it won’t be long until Kurt’s sporting a fancy red white and blue neck brace to go with that mouth guard.
Canadian Bacon: Batista the wounded Animal. If I learned anything from my pets (besides shooting them out of a potato gun isn't as hilarious as it sounds) it's that eventually veterinarians get tired of fixing up animals and just opt to put them to sleep. When this happens, WWE can just tell Rebecca Dipetreo that Batista went to live on a farm where he could run free. She'll buy it. I did.
Gershon Levy: I’d say Sabu but he’s been phoning it in for a while so I’ll say Angle because when he left WWE, he really did need the time off but he wasted no time in joining TNA. Lighter schedule or not, he is risking his body way too much.
Dr. Gonzo: To get injured I guess you'd have to wrestle, but since Kevin Nash tore his quad walking, anything can happen. I would say as the most active, Batista would be number one. I would say as the biggest roid user, but that's like saying Tom Cruise is the most self centered actor. Aren't they all?
British Bullfrog: Kurt Angle, and injury will become death sooner or later.
Anvil's Swagbag: Kevin Nash is the only man in the history of time to have broken his earlobe for fucks sake.
Shit, Kevin Nash will probably rupture his larynx whilst on commentary.
Nash:- Look, these X Divis…ooooooof……….yup, there goes the voicebox.
Carlito. Seriously – when you face Jeff Hardy and you blow more spots than him, you’re either really into kinky shit with Dalmatians, or you should re-evaluate how you plan your matches. Now, I like high-flying wrestling as much as the next guy, but when you’re needlessly throwing in back flips and springboards at the expense of psychology, and perhaps even your neck, maybe you should stop being such an attention whore:
I’m certain that Carlito is going to injure himself soon. And when that day comes, I’ll laugh because an apple a day DIDN’T keep the doctor away. Oh, sweet irony! Sweet, Golden Delicious, irony!
18)"EVEN WE'RE EMBARRASSED TO BE FANS. US!" (event or angle that is so terrible or tasteless, even we don't approve)
Nominees: McMahon vs. God; the entire Eddie Guerrero angle; DX, Vince & more male ass than should ever be allowed; TNA's "Jackass" skits, TNA's "Reverse Battle Royal", Tim White's suicide videos, Vito & the dress, "Vince loves Cock" , "May 19th", Kelly Kelly's "expose", The SD Juniors, HHH/Cena's Wrestlemania entrances, Lita's terrible retirement sendoff, Constant "Marine" Promotion. Diva strip poker, Big Dick Johnson
Sean Carless: Tie: the Eddie Guerrero angle and Vince versus God; If only we could have just combined the two and had God resurrect Eddie so he could kick the shit out of Vince. I'd have been happy with that.
Derek Burgan: The ECW Strip Poker didn't just make me embarrased to be a wrestling fan, it made me embarrassed to be a heterosexual male.
Justin Shapiro: The sad thing about "the entire Guerrero angle" is that it could be broken into like five different individual nominees, but my favorite part was where Rey Mysterio and Randy Orton had a match where the winner got to determine whether the soul of the late Eddie Guerrero was in fact in heaven or hell.
Joe Merrick: I love the fact that May 19th had NO climax whatsoever. It was like Monty Python:
Kane: I can hear voices, my past is being laid bare to everyone, and I can’t escape the inevitable doom!
Kane: ….I got better.
Remy: ALL OF THE ABOVE. Holy shit just reading the options makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry in the corner. I mean, I do that anyway, it’s just that the above list makes me want to do that for a 73rd time today.
Michael Melchor: So many nominees this year, this was the toughest decision to make in this year's awards. In the end, Vince McMahon taking on "God" is our winner because they actually billed that as a PPV match, thinking it would sell! Did God show up? Of course not! I think he has better things to do than accept a challenge from a deranged billionaire.
Cameron Burge: How can I possibly hate May 19th? Free promotion for my birthday is more than I could even ask for? And for it to boil down to absolutely nothing is simply an homage to my love for the most horrible aspects of films. You can damn well bet See no Evil is on my Christmas list, right next to that colorized version of Plan 9 from Outer Space while we’re at it. And you can’t say Tim White’s skits weren’t at least retardedly funny, even if they are completely tasteless. But really, how DO you manage to fail at killing yourself when so many people succeed while not even trying every hour of every day? It’s a mystery I tell you. White’s obviously just making repeated cries for attention. So I suppose I’ll give my actual pick to none other than Vince McMahon vs.. God (who didn’t even bother to show up for their big pay off match, the lazy bastard. Lightning does not count as a replacement for a personal appearance despite what the Undertaker tells you.)
Canadian Bacon: The Reverse Battle Royal should have been the GREATEST MATCH EVER. It had everything you could ask for in a match. a bunch of guys you don't care about, no clear rules, and everyone trying to run into the ring at once from multiple bad camera angles! Yet it flopped. What a head scratcher. Maybe Russo will get it right next time when he books wrestling's first ever reverse first blood match! YES! The first guy to have all his blood return into an open wound wins. It's groundbreaking!!!11
Gershon Levy: Wow, just about all these deserve a vote. The frequency of male ass on WWE television though is not exactly the way you go about pleasing your male dominated audience (unless you like that sort of thing, not that there’s anything wrong with that). It’s really difficult to admit to a woman I watch pro wrestling and if I can somehow convince them to watch it with me having to explain why a male ass is on my television.
Dr. Gonzo: Of the ones I can remember, the only one that made me MAD was Eddie Guerrero. The way they exploited his death and continue to do so really is gross, but the common man wouldn't really notice this, so I think the real embarrassment comes from Vinnie Mac and DX in cheeks of glory. A homoerotic sports get amazingly gayer, if at all possible, with more ass kissing and grabbing and showing than Pat Patterson would know what to do with. No wonder my mom keeps getting me jars of Vaseline for Christmas.
British Bullfrog: The Jackass skits actually made me recoil in horror a number of times. The single worst case of product placement since Casino Royale or the time a brothel payed me to advertise them via forehead tattoo. That...that took some explaining at dinner.
Anvil's Swagbag: In all seriousness, the continual exploitation of Eddie Guerreros death, by those who meant most to him, for the sake of a shoddy storyline is, I’m sure, ‘not what he would want,’ and it embarrasses me to be a fan of a show which is still using the tragic death of one of it’s wrestlers as ratings fodder. And to those whom think I should keep it light-hearted, I say SCROT and call it even.
James Walker: This is the hardest one to pick, personally. I hated a lot of what wrestling fed me this year, and asking me to name the most tasteless angle is like trying to describe the flavour of celery. (The best description I’ve found is “it tastes like celery.” Drop me a line if you can top it.)
Anywho! You know, I’m going to have to go with the Guerrero storyline, but more specifically when Randy Orton claimed that Eddie was “rotting in hell”. I’m all for cheap heel heat, but I think this attempt took it to new depths. (Literally. Ha ha!) But honestly, I don’t have a big problem with, say, Benoit VS Chavo, because the Eddie storyline is just a reason the match, where-as Orton VS Mysterio was a reason for the comment. It’d still be tasteless today, let alone a few months removed from Eddie’s death. Hell, (bad choice of words, but I’m sticking with it) I’m pissed off that Orton didn’t grow a pair and refuse to say it. It’s reasons like this why the IWC shits on Orton.(as opposed to.. well, you know)
You know, now that I think about it, while Eddie isn’t rotting in hell, I might be. Or at least, I think I am when I see Randy bust out one of his 1000 holds. They are as follows:
2: Seated chinlock
3: Kneeling chinlock
5: Seated necklock
6: Cranking chinvice
7: Standing chinlock
8: Twisting necklock, with a vice
9: Choking necklock
10: Reverse chinlock
11: ¾ turn neckvice
13: Seated reverse Ortonlock
14: One-knee Ortonvice
15: “Ode To Cowboy Bob” Chinlock
And so on.
19)"HOW ABOUT SOME CLEARASIL FOR THAT BACK?!" Award for most obvious Steroid job
Nominees: Test, Lashley, Batista, Chris Masters, Scott Steiner, Kurt Angle, Beth Phoenix, Hulk Hogan, Vince McMahon.
Sean Carless: Andrew "(Mysteriously passed the Wellness) Test" Martin. He makes Gene Snitsky look a spokes-model for fucking Revlon these days. If you were to throw a bucket of Oxy on him, he'd melt Wizard of OZ style and there'd just be a blond buzz-cut and a pair of giant bucked teeth left.
Derek Burgan: Considering Test now has a body proportion that makes his JAKKS action figure look less cartoonish than his real body, I'm going to have to vote for him.
Justin Shapiro: The sad thing about Vince is that he's been juicing to an increasing degree for nine years ever since Bret Hart knocked him out in one punch. And then when Bret came to the Hall of Fame this year, he did not shake Vince's hand and fall to one knee in pain and strife, overwhelmed by Mr. McMahon's power, just as Vince had dreamed about. Dreamed about for nine years. [single tear]
Joe Merrick: I can see why Vince was so adamant about this wellness program thing. Oh sure, he made sure none of his guys had any steroids on him. What he didn’t tell us was that he took the drugs for himself. I imagine when he met with the original roided up Chris Masters it was like that scene in The Mummy where the monster drains people’s life force away and absorbs it as his own, slowly reforming into something faintly human.
Remy: Vince “I mysteriously tore both my quads in the same night” McMahon.
I’m surprised Angle’s on this list though. The guy is not that big. And honestly, after he spends all his money on pain meds there’s nothing left for roids. Come on guys, be realistic.
Michael Melchor: Chris Masters shows up looking huge, gets taken off of TV for "violating the Wellness Policy", then re-appears...a LOT smaller. Like someone painted the Sistine Chapel on a regular size canvas. "Masterpiece", indeed.
Cameron Burge: Hulk “Ole Rubber Knee” Hogan. For a man who is always exploding with radioactive muscles bulging from everything but his crotch, Hogan sure did require a lot of “exercise” in order to get himself conditioned to get in the ring. According to the Hulkster himself anyway who blames his strenuous workout schedule in conjunction with a stressful schedule for the blowing out of his knee by his new arch rival, the dreaded Couch Lebowski. The feud is currently planned to spill over into Wrestlemania, maybe even next Summerslam after Hogan recovers from yet another inexplicable knee accident. Still, it’s much better than his nWo vs. The Rock physique of muscle hanging like old draperies in my grandmother’s house.
Canadian Bacon: I've heard for the last year how it was obvious that Chris Masters physique was the result of Roids. But how would hemorrhoids help him get bigger muscles? Other than maybe having him work out really hard to block out the pain. I guess that does explain why he was gone for a few months though. I know I wouldn't want to wrestle if I had a flaming asshole!!!!11
Gershon Levy: When Test came back bigger and better (OK maybe just bigger) it didn’t look like he had merely increased his visits to the gym. I saw him in person recently and he definitely looked like he was sharing needles with Barry Bonds.
Dr. Gonzo: A list composed of people with more pimples than a high school freshman class. With a list that is composed of Lashley, Batista, Masters and Beth "Why are my ovaries dropping" Phoenix, I think they're all winners. Plus I don't want to choose just one. Goddamn roid ragers.
British Bullfrog: McMahon just looks ridiculous now, like those Flex'Em action figures WWE make.
Anvil's Swagbag: An obvious steroid job is an obvious steroid job. All of these guys backs look like the mountaneous regions of Lilliput.
James Walker: I call to the stand – TATANKA.
August 1st, 2005, Tatanka showed up on Raw for a match with Eugene. I offer, Exhibit A:
Then, six months later at this year’s Royal Rumble, he appears he lost more weight than ~. I offer, Exhibit B:
What do you have to say for yourself, Tatanka?
Tatanka: I would not dishonor my people with the use of anabolic steroids. I achieved this physique with the use of LAKOTA BRAND ® SUPPLEMENTS, AVAILABLE AT WWW.LAKOTAHERBS.COM!Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, despite the defendant’s claims, I think it’s obvious he’s abusing steroids. To not find him guilty of this offence, you would be causing a great pain to the sporting community.
Tatanka: A great pain? LAKOTA BRAND ® JOINT CARE FORMULA contains natural source pain relievers and anti-inflammatories! It’s perfect for every ache on your body! Warning: May cause stomach upset or have a mild laxative effect. Side effects may go away as your body adjusts to the natural ingredients. Consult a health practitioner prior to use if you are taking antiarrhythmic medication and/or blood thinners (anti-platelet medication), or have a medical condition. Do not use if you have gastric or duodenal ulcers. Do not use if pregnant or breastfeeding. Children under the age of 12 should not use this product. Who knows, you may start growing overly large headdresses out of your head, so you too can become a Warrior like me. No, not like a crazy ass Jim Hellwig Warrior, but a bow-and-arrow Warrior. Who cares if they’re archaic and an ancient stereotype of Native people, they’re cool! Really! TATANKA FOR WWE CHAMPION!
20)EVEN MARLEE MATLIN COULD HEAR THAT: (for wrestler or diva with the most irritating voice)
Nominees: Sharmell, Melina, The Miz, Great Khali, Michael Cole, JBL, Tazz, Joey Styles, Don West, Mike Tenay, Lita, Paul Heyman,
Sean Carless: Don West. Hey, have you ever noticed how freakishly huge his face is? (I have to put my TV on fucking widescreen just get him in the shot). Holy shit. But hey, at least he more than makes up for that shortcoming by possessing the voice of an angel... well, if that "angel" was desperately trying to push a 300 pound log through his asshole. Man. Even putting him on mute doesn't help. A fist just comes out of the set and punches me in the fucking face. Or maybe that was just my neighbors (They hate it when I break into their house to watch TNA).
Derek Burgan: Those fucking screams by Melina on SmackDown and RAW might be the most obnoxious thing in wrestling, and imagine the ground that covers.
Justin Shapiro: "Check it out, Joey Styles, dis vampire, dis bloodsucking DUDE, talk about hardcoah, off the chain, right here in ECW!" I don't know that Tazz deserves to win, but I really wanted to say that.
Joe Merrick: Sharmell. The scary thing is, she actually DOES sound like she is ‘upside down and has a fork up her ass.’
Remy: King Booker himself. I can’t stand that fake royal talk he does. Seriously, fifty years ago he’d be hanging upside down from a tree with a fork in his ass!
Even I’m embarrassed I just ripped off that joke.
Michael Melchor: Not only do I not think Melina is that hot (she recembles many of the fine ladies I see on the corner of Ridgewood and Bellevue here in Daytona beach, really), but she also has a voice that makes me want to rip my own face off. And that scream of hers at ringside is the reason I wouldn't by a ringside seat at Raw because I'd probably jump the rail and want to treat her like LAX did Gail Kim.
Cameron Burge: Nice list. Who to pick is pretty tough. I mean, on the one hand we have the mumbling antics of the Great Khali’s nearly unintelligible speech more reminiscent of the primal gruntings of cave men first developing their modern vocal chords than anything recognizable as structured speech patterns. On the other hand, we have Melina’s shrieking wails like the cry of Banshee, that X-men character nobody ever liked, mostly because he had an annoyingly yellow and hypnotic cape and also because he was named after a female type of ghost, but his cry could shatter walls, which is pretty much what we are working with here. Picking between the two is pretty hard, but hey, we can at least rest easy in knowing they’ll never mate with one another, breeding huge, hairy women with screechy voices and bad body odor.
Canadian Bacon: Heyman's Security. Do those guys ever shut up!?
Gershon Levy: It’s a tie between Sharmell for her repetitive “ALL HAIL KING BOOKER” and Melina’s recent habit of screeching like a banshee in heat.
Dr. Gonzo: I know that her gimmick is screaming and being annoying, but when a girl as hot as Melina has the voice that could make a viagra'd up Hugh Hefner limp, then she wins, and my penis loses.
British Bullfrog: Michael Cole and his constant adding stress to every syllable pisses me off so much I just want to choke a kitten and rape it post mortem. He's that annoying.
Anvil's Swagbag: Sharmell. Jake Roberts and Sharmell once entered a ‘Sound Most Like A Woman’ contest, and Jake won. But Sharmell narrowly pipped him in some Black America thing, so they are all square.
James Walker: Hoo-(thought-it-was-a-good-idea-to-push-this-fucking-douchebag)-Rah! Seriously, the guy annoyed the hell out of me when he was a face, while hosting the Diva Search. Now as a heel, the guy tries even HARDER to piss me off, and damn it, it’s working. It’s not the good “oh man, Owen Hart is such an annoying jerk, I hope Bret beats the hell out of him” type of heat, but the “oh man, Kathie Lee Gifford is such an annoying bitch, I hope flesh eating disease beats the hell out of her” type of heat.
Also, what’s up with that whole “Reality Show” gimmick he has going on? He should go on the next Survivor: James Walker’s Basement. He can join the current contestants, Michael Dunahee and the Lindbergh Baby.
21)"SPEAKING OF MARLEE MATLIN, WE ALL SHOULD BE SO LUCKY" (worst theme music)
Nominees: Rob Conway, John Cena, Randy Orton, Candice Michelle, Lita, Shelton Benjamin, Ron Killings, Miz, Chris Sabin, Torrie, Maria, Victoria,
that fucking theme to Vince McMahon's ass cartoon.
Sean Carless: Vince's ass cartoon on WWE.com. I think it pretty much sums up the full creative range of the WWE's crack staff (no pun intended) of writers when they postponed the debut of this thing for 2 weeks, and still couldn't come up with a word that rhymes with "ass" in the jingle. But hey, it's hilarious! The ass has little tiny arms~! Haha! Just like Kuato from Total Recall!... Or Chris Benoit! It's Hysterical!
Derek Burgan: I'm going with the Vince McMahon horrible cartoon, but the upside of that is I'll never have to hear it again since I actually have to go out of my way to download the shorts. If that shit ever hits TV, I'm not even sure my DVR can fast forward fast enough.
Justin Shapiro: Hello, my students, it is I, Matt Striker, your teacher's music.
Joe Merrick: The Vince’s ass theme. I would go so far as to say it would be improved if we let this guy perform it.
Josey Scott: Yeah, take it to the brink, y’all…
Because he’s the boss, and your superior
NOW ALL BOW DOWN TO HIS POSTERIORRRRRR! YEEEEEAH! GETTING’ ANAL UP IN HERE Y’ALL!
Look into the eye,
And this is a fact,
It ain’t no ordinary crack,
THIS IS THE BOTTOM OF ONE VINNY MAC! YEEEEEAH!
MOUTH TO MOUTH! CHEEK TO CHEEK! MOUTH TO CHEEK! KISS THE ASS CLUB MOTHERFUCKER!
Remy: Jonathan Coachman. Fifty years ago … oops, used that one already.
Michael Melchor: I've never heard "that fucking theme to Vince McMahon's ass cartoon" and I probably never will becauase there's no way I'll ever watch that Goddamned cartoon. However, I'll give it my win here simply it's because..."that fucking theme to Vince McMahon's ass cartoon".
Cameron Burge: Worst? My god, it has to go to Maria’s emo-tastic theme song. Where the fuck is Joe to assassinate whatever make-up wearing, nappy-haired freaks came up with that crap when I need him? It’s not only bad, it’s really just fucking annoying, and furthermore, why does Maria even need a theme? They keep teasing she’ll have some sort of baby face run, but she’s completely inept in the ring, hell she didn’t even make it into the latest WWE game. She should stick to her shamelessly dumb backstage interview skits and leave the wrestling to people who…you know, wrestle.
Canadian Bacon: John Cena. But that's only because my extending the olive oil branch of friendship to him and offering to form a band fell on deaf eyes. His loss. I already have MASSIVE street cred (the other day a bunch of people called me "dope" and a "PHAT fuck") so clearly he's missing out on what could be the best musical duo since Sharon and Lois (Never cared much for Bram, myself).
But in case you don't believe the hype, peep this shit right here (I'm keeping it somewhat real!):
In Saskatchewan, born and raised
In the north woods is where I spent most of my days
Feeling my dink, maxing, relaxing all cool
And all shooting some wall-ball off the side of school
When a couple of Eskimos, They were up to no good
Started building igloos in my neighbourhood
I got in one little fight and my mom went “Ahhh!”
And said you’re moving with your Aunty and Uncle in Moose Jaw…
Gershon Levy: How about Kelly’s? The singer’s voice is irritating and well, it means she’s on her way out which is always bad news.
Dr. Gonzo: I hate Randy Orton's music. Always have, always will. It is gay and it sounds like Nickleback, and that alone makes it the gayest thing in the history of the world.
British Bullfrog: Shelton Benjamin's music is as annoying as it is bitterly ironic. Clearly there was a whole lot of fucking stopping that poor dude.
Anvil's Swagbag: Got to give it to the Ass music. Got to hand it to the Dub’s Creative, the only board in the world that can’t find a word to rhyme with ass.
1:- Oh, now come on guys, we have been sat here for three FUCKING hours! All we need is one pissy little word!
2:- Ooooh! How about disassssssss…ter. Think about it.
3:- How about mince?
1:- For THE LAST TIME, WE ARE RHYMING ASS!!
3:- Ohhhhh. Sorry.
Heyman:- Hey… what about ‘pass’.
1:- Heyman, get the FUCK out now.
1:- Right, let’s come back to ‘ass’, Do we have any improvements on ‘December To Violently Separate Various Parts Of One’s Body?
James Walker: Apparently, there’s PLENTY stopping him now. Yes folks, you’ll never believe it, but BLACK MUSIC LIED TO US. (What? You really think that Michael Jackson fucked a girl named Billie Jean? Pffft.) The thing about Shelton’s theme that pisses me off (aside from everything I’m not going to mention) is that after the initial line, the thing is unintelligible. However, for you lucky folks, I’ve gone ahead and made my own lyrics.
AINT NO STOPPIN ME NAAAAAAAOOOW
YEAH, YEAH, AINT NO STOPPIN ME
WORD. YEAH. EXCLAMATION.
.. NO STOPPIN… ME…
CUZ IM YOUNG AND ATHLETIC
BUT IM BLACK SO FORGET IT
WHATEVER I SAY, ILL GET MY DAY
IT’S CALLED THE 16th OF JANUARY
WUZ IN A TAG TEAM THAT WAS GOOD
BUT THEY PUSHED ME CUZ I WAS FROM THE HOOD
THINKING I HAD CHARISMA
YEAH, YEAH, DON’T BE TRYIN TO STOP ME
CUZ YOU CANT
CUZ THERE AINT NO STOPPIN ME
LIKE PERPETUAL MOTION
EXCEPT I EXIST
22)THE "ARGAIV" AWARD FOR LETDOWN OF THE YEAR. (Get it? Viagra spelled backwards)
Nominees: ECW's return, Rey Mysterio's title run, Batista's return, the JBL-Benoit match at Wrestlemania, Low Ki's TNA run, Kurt Angle in ECW, DX , Taz's ring return (ECW One Night Stand), Charlie Haas’ big return, Sting in TNA, RVD not winning the title at D2D (don't act like it's not true), not turning Cena heel, Bobby Roode's Manager search, Jarrett gets the title handed to him, Russo returns just as TNA goes primetime, Samoa Joe not getting a world title shot, Ken Kennedy's "push", The Eddie storyline not ending at Wrestlemania.
Sean Carless: EC-Dub! EC-Dub! EC-Dub! Buy WWE stock today, and Vince McMahon will personally come to your house and kick you in the balls. Then he'll light money on fire. The preceding pretty much sums up new ECW. And I know there's some people who like it, and that's fine, to each their own. But it's NOT ECW. Unfortunately though, every time that phrase is muttered, there's some douchebag who spouts "It can't be the same ECW!" And I agree, pushing the same dudes as 1994-2000 is stupid. But the presentation SHOULD be the same. Or what's the point? The fact is, WWE will make A LOT more money long term off of repackaging the old video library than ANY of this abortion. And this current version is already devaluing the stock of the original. (People who've only heard the legend of the original may not buy the DVDs now because they will just think Vince's merry band of charismaless jarhead Hosses is what it was all about.). I mean, they've already axed house shows. They're touring with SmackDown and competing during SmackDown's tapings. ECW isn't drawing a dime. SmackDown is. It's just Smackdown with Bobby Lashley suplexing fucking Test around a ring in the middle of the card for a dead title. And hey, that's fine. Have a 3rd brand. Whatever. But don't call it something it's not. To me WWE's ECW is the equivalent of promoting a Beatles reunion (well, if that was possible), then just replacing John, Paul, Ringo & George with four manufactured boy band members just because you discovered the fucking idiots. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: THE BEATLES! Fucking Vince.
Derek Burgan: The ECW return will go down in history as botched along the levels of WCW InVasion, so it has to take the cake. Millions of dollars completely pissed down the drain. Everyone should go out and pop in their DVDs of One Night Stand 1 and 2 and compare those to December to Dismember. Case Closed.
Justin Shapiro: How about this. How about the Angle vs. Mysterio vs. Orton match at Wrestlemania only going like ten minutes long, breaking Angle's streak of **** matches at four out of the last five Wrestles Mania. And that match being cut in half due to time constraints while Cena and Hunter's match kept all 25 of its minutes. I was like, boo.
Joe Merrick: ECW’s return without a doubt. I realise this is meant to be a ‘New ECW’ but what’s the point of a new ECW if it’s just the same WWE? In fact, it’s not the same, it’s a step down. Try to contemplate that for a second. They have no tag titles, virtually NO solid feuds, and matches that leave more to be desired than a blowjob with no climax. On the bright side, I suppose it has fed Rhino and the Dudleys some awesome material to work with, promo-wise.
Remy: ECW’s return, easily. I thought Vince was done raping dead things after Katie Vick. Sadly, I was wrong.
Michael Melchor: There's no way ECW's return should lose this one. Let's bring back one of the most revered promotions of all time, only let's water it down with guys that can't cut it on the regular shows (with a few "Extremists" sprinkled in for the illusion of authenticity) and turn the audience against what should have been an easy moneymaker. Pure fucking genius.
Cameron Burge: Kurt’s big turn to ECW as a special “draft pick” was, though admittedly an unforeseen event, the biggest letdown of the year. Here we were hoping for psycho Kurt, spewing foam from his mouth like a rabid weasel as he layeth the smacketh down upon his opponents with ankle picks and vicious Angle slams. It really got my hopes up for all the things ECW was lacking and that he’d be a great addition to the roster until the E signed some new talent to keep the company going, but noooo, SOMEBODY had to go and get addicted to drugs and injure himself every two seconds. What an ungrateful ass!
Canadian Bacon: Definitely Rey Mysterio winning the World Title. Man, who died and made this guy champ?
Gershon Levy: Being that I am probably one of the only ones who has seen nearly every episode of ECW, that has to be my choice. I had very little exposure to the original product outside of the Rise and Fall DVD and I saw the first One Night Stand but I can’t imagine how disappointing it must be to the true fans of the original ECW watching this bastardized version. After the debacle that was December to Dismember, if the TV show makes it to next summer I have a bad feeling One Night Stand 3 is not going to be much better (by then wouldn’t that be ECW Girlfriend?).
Dr. Gonzo: RVD not winning the title is a great choice, as is Low ki's shitty return, but my choice is the obvious ECW shitty return. It started off badly and continued to get worse. With the braintrust gone it's like having the X-Files without Mulder. It's a matter of time until it's considered a complete bust and they are all assimilated into SD or RAW and they are all released and go to TNA.
British Bullfrog: ECW's return was just so dissapointing, from about five minutes into that first show I knew too things: 1.) it was going to suck and 2.) we're going to have a lot to write about this year.
Anvil's Swagbag: It HAS to be ECW.
What? No! I’m not disappointed with the content of the show. I always expected it to be terrible. I’m just gutted Vince is too cheap to buy ‘Enter Sandman’. Bastard.
James Walker: ECW’s return, without a doubt. Think about it – the WWE didn’t just fuck up one wrestler, or one match, but an entire company. We all had so much hope, seeing as the incarnations of One Night Stand have all been some of the best WWE PPVs in recent memory. However, once Vince reared his ugly, chin-clefed head into the on goings of the newly formed brand, ECW became about as extreme as no name vanilla ice cream. At your grandmother’s Tupperware party. With a lot of those weird collected ice crystals on the surface of the dessert.
Seriously, Vince has taken the smoking hot girl that use babysit us when we were kids, and now he’s turned it into a overweight, dirty crackwhore who’s trying to get you to pay her hydro bill. Well, you know what I say to that? Fuck you, Annie. You’re not welcome in my home anymore.
23)EVEN OZZY OSBOURNE HAS MORE CREDIBILITY. (Award for the individual who exudes the least amount of real-life credibility in public for whatever reason)
Nominees: Chris Kanyon, Ultimate Warrior, Psicosis, Juventud, Marty Jannetty, Lex Luger, Kurt Angle (recent behavior), RVD, Iron Sheik, Hulk Hogan, Big Show on Vince's DVD, Shane Mcmahon on Vince's DVD, Vince McMahon, K-Fed.
Sean Carless: Wow, this category is like having a beauty pageant filled with ugly people, and trying to choose the best looking. I've narrowed mine down to three, and quite honestly can't choose a definitive winner. First, we have The Iron Sheik, whose claims of wanting to fuck B. Brian Blair in the ass after putting him the camel clutch is now legendary (no word on whether Jumping Jim Brunzell slips on a mask and secretly switches places with Blair in mid-ass fuck). And now Sheiky wants to fuck Kramer in the ass, too. No, not Michael Richards. Kramer. Apparently Sheik doesn't know they're two completely separate people. Tell me about it. I know I used to want to fuck Dan Fielding in the ass after putting him in a Boston Crab, but I stopped when I found out his real name was John Larroquette. Hopefully, Sheiky can find the same comfort.
Next up, we have Hulk Hogan. The world waited with baited breath for that stark ravin' Hulkster's opinions on the Montreal screwjob for 9 years, and FINALLY, Hulk has broken his silence in an interview in Australia! Apparently, at Wrestlemania 16, Bret wouldn't do the right thing and put over Shawn Michaels, so HBK just PINNED him legitimately, as the crowd chanted "Bret screwed Bret!" Well, if the Hulkster says it's true, it HAS To be. I'd say ask Andre The Giant to back up Hulk's integrity, but his 900 pound ass died the day after Hogan slammed him at Wrestlemania 3, and thus he's unavailable for comment. Too bad.
And finally, we have Linda McMahon during WWE's conference call to stockholders a few weeks ago. A caller asked her why there is no discernable differences between the three brands. Linda's answer? "There is". That's it. Ha. That's like asking Hitler who's standing on a pile of bodies why he committed genocide, and he just says "I didn't."
Derek Burgan: Once the sales figures came in for K-Fed's heavily promoted CD (6,000), it should have proven to Vince McMahon that publicity doesn't necessarily mean "money." K-Fed has been on more mainstream magazines and TV shows than every wrestling in the history of the business - times 10 - and it still meant ZILCH.
Justin Shapiro: Who exudes less real-life credibility in public for whatever reason than Kanyon? Answer: Kurt "rehabbed on the road" Angle.
Joe Merrick: I recently watched Kurt’s TNA debut video packages, and I honestly thought he was the biggest douche I’d heard in a while. Saying that WWE didn’t use him properly, despite giving him just about every reward possible, is just plain ridiculous.
Seriously though, what is it with guys who have switched to TNA constantly cutting promos like ‘These boys in this locker room? They live, breath and sweat wrestling, man. They’re like sons to me. I love them. They’re just such DAMN AWESOME BOYS. MY WIFE AND KIDS ARE SCUM COMPARED TO THESE BOYS. Because they have…that look.’ Just please stop. Jesus.
Remy: K-fed beats out Warrior and Sheik and that’s saying something. Strangely, however, if you combine all three you end up with John Cena. Think about it. I swear it makes sense.
Michael Melchor: Whose fucking idea was it to let Kevin Federline on Raw? He's our winner because I know what the thought process was behind it - everybody hates him because he's a gibbering douchebag who's banging the girl we all want...only he's no longer banging her because she dumped his ass right after this angle started. Karma, how we love ye.
Cameron Burge: The Ultimate Warrior! What’s not credible about a man who has his real life name changed to resemble that of his in ring persona, then plunges his deranged, off-kilter mind directly into the midst of political affairs as if he truly expects to be taken seriously at that point? Absolutely nothing that’s what. I mean, come on. Ultimate Warrior is obviously the premier political powerhouse of this day and age. He’s OUR WMD and don’t think we’ll be afraid to use him. Fuck Hilary Clinton, Warrior is the one to watch out for in the coming 2008 election year.
Canadian Bacon: As much as I'd like to choose Psoriasis (and no wonder he wore a mask for years with a skin condition like that!) I have to go with Iron Sheik saying he wanted to put his dink in B. Brian Blair's bum after putting him in a camel clutch. There's nothing even remotely gay about two gloriously oiled musclemen exchanging holds! And how dare you insinuate that there is!!!11
Gershon Levy: A tie between K-Fed and Sheik. K-Fed was part of what I thought was one of the funniest moments on WWE TV this year and then in horrific fashion got extended to a storyline which hopefully ends after his match with Cena. Although indirectly the fact his appearance may have led to his marriage with Britney ending is pretty hilarious. Iron Sheik is great just for the videos that have popped up where he wants to fuck everyone up the ass and make them humble.
Dr. Gonzo: I think I would have to go with RVD, the man who can fuck up his own push by being busted for having weed, and taking a poor man from Bombay, MI with him. I've never worried about RVD's weed issues, but since the mainstream picked up on it, that did not make Vince a very happy man, and an unhappy Vince makes people kiss his asshole.
British Bullfrog: I would pick *you-know-who* but if I do I may get made humble. I'd also like to go for *other-you-know-who* but fear I will be hunted down and clotheslined. Therefor I will pick...no wait he'll probably get me gunned down by his homeboys. In that case, Kanyon on account of the fact that he's gay and I find this amusing.
Anvil's Swagbag: Kurt Angle recently claimed he hasn’t taken a pain killer in 18 months
Fuck Ozzy and his little TV show, Kelly Osbourne has more credibility as a recording artist.
It’s not that I don’t believe Kurt. It’s just that… erm… he doesn’t believe himself, because in a open letter published on WWE.com, Kurt Angle claimed to have to take numerous painkillers in order to take out the trash.
Oh, did I mention that he also claimed he was going to let his wife piss on Daniel Puder, that he could beat Chuck Liddell without hassle, and that he quit WWE because they were holding him back.
Two days ago I was throwing a pie eating contest, when an Anorexic turned up to participate. When everybody began to laugh, I said, ‘no, give her a chance! She has more cred than Kurt Angle’. Everybody conceded to agree.
Erm… she lost, but the thought was there.
James Walker: Kurt Angle. Does any wrestling fan sincerely believe that Vince McMahon got “tricked” into firing Kurt Angle? Does any wrestling fan sincerely believe that Kurt Angle would be the greatest shoot fighter of all time? Does any wrestling fan sincerely believe that Kane actually fucked a corpse? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, please email me your address so I can come over to your house and slap you.
Make no mistake about it, Kurt Angle may have requested his release, but it’s only because he didn’t want to go into rehab. The guy has been blatantly lying in interviews, and even going as far as saying he’d teabag Daniel Puder, and let Karen Angle shit on Puder’s chest. I seriously wish I was making this up, but alas, Kurt has gone from “The Three I’s” (Intelligence, Intensity, and Integrity) to “The ABCD’s” (Arrogant, Bitter, Crude, and Delusional).
Kurt Angle may be one of the greatest of all time, but the guy is quickly becoming batshit insane. While this is bad for wrestling, this is very good for TWF; Warrior jokes are going out of style.
24)THE AC/DC "BIG BALLS" AWARD. Greatest show of testicular fortitude. (in the ring, in real life, whatever. Just awarding one ballsy motherfucker)
Nominees: Team 3D & Rhino refusing ECW contracts; Kurt Angle; Ric Flair rolling in tacks; Edge takes two of the most dangerous bumps ever at WM 22 & Unforgiven; John Cena vs. the Hammerstein crowd; Bob Holly finishes his match after slicing open his back; Terry Funk working a hardcore match at 300 years of age; Rey Mysterio works hurt for a year; Joey Styles "shoot promo"; Lita's RAW retirement promo; Candice Michelle breaks her nose and still finishes the match and even takes a Widow's peak; Big Show working with a career-ending back injury.
Sean Carless: John Cena at ECW One Night Stand 2 proved his was a pro, and half way through the main event, I think the crowd went from legitimate hatred to begrudging respect, but booed him because it was the right thing for the match. BUT~! With that said, since Cena wears baggy pants, I have no idea how big his balls are. So I'll instead go with another option; although my winner has none to speak of...and believe me I've jer...err I mean read her magazine enough times to know: Candice Michelle. She had her nose legitimately broken and STILL continued on with no complaints. How many other women can say the same thing? And believe me, I know. Every time I've ever broke a woman's nose they never just shrug it off. Instead it's all this "I'm calling the police" or reaching for their "Tasers" bullshit. Amateurs. (What? You expected me to be serious?)
Derek Burgan: After seeing how others dealt with ECW's rabid fanbase (see Batista) I have to have newfound respect for how John Cena dealt with the adversity at One Night Stand 2. The scene of the crowd throwing back Cena's shirt will be forever etched in my brain and something that makes me love wrestling all over again.
Justin Shapiro: I think John Cena has been a cool enough customer that the situation has gotten to a point where the people booing him come across as just another heel part of the show. To that I say kudos.
Joe Merrick: I would give it Joey if it weren’t for the fact that it was clearly a worked shoot. Shame. I think I’ll award Edge though. Guy so desperately wants to prove he can be the best that he’s willing to do anything to show it. Hats off to him.
Remy: The Sabu/Mysterio table spot from ONS 2. That was one of the sickest moves I’ve ever seen, and I can’t believe they both walked away from that afterwards. Of course, big props to all the nominees.
There was plenty of hardcore this year, actually. You know, except for 99% of ECW.
Michael Melchor: Big thumbs up to Candace Michelle here in a field full of worthy contenders. We expect the dudes to get hurt and keep going, but for the Divas it takes a lot of effort simply because they barely wrestle. However, Candace has her nasal cavity destroyed and kept right on chugging. Here's to you, sweetheart - now let's see that Go Daddy dance again...
Cameron Burge: Wait a minute. Can somebody please explain to me why Balls Mahoney isn’t on this list? I mean….Balls…..*crickets* He’s pretty big!……*awkward silence* You know what? Fuck you! That one was good! If I must though, I believe I can’t pass by my hometown homeboy in The Big Show. It takes some guts to go out there with injuries like that and continue to work it through to the end. I applaud him for it and I’ve always enjoyed Big Show in my own way, as proof positive that people from Wichita aren’t always useless segment fodder like our very own Jonathan Coachman (he was the fucking sports correspondent for crying out loud). So good on you Show.
Canadian Bacon: Me. But I'm thinking of having surgery to cure it. (It'd be nice to wear a pair of pants without basketball mesh sewn into the crotch for once.)
Gershon Levy: Even though I don’t care much for him, Bob Holly’s match with RVD where he sliced open his back was ridiculously gutsy on his part. Not only did he have to endure the cut itself but he continued to take bumps on his back. The crowd at that match gave him a much deserved standing ovation for that one.
Dr. Gonzo: Easily, I would go with Candice Michelle, not just because I wouldn't mind boning her, or that if I didn't vote for her, she would dump me, but as a non-wrestler, who has her nose broken and still manages to work a match and take a finisher, kudos goes to her. Wrestlers are known to do this, but splooge rags do not. I was quite impressed.
British Bullfrog: John Cena coming out and taking one for the team like a rookie when JBL enters the locker room took a shitload of balls. They were ready to tear him apart and instead of putting his fingers in his ears and acting like a face he listened and pissed them off to the point of riot. Superb sign that he may not be completely shit.
Anvil's Swagbag: You know, everybody raves about Bob Holly finishing the match after having his back slit open.
Personally I was pissed off.
Me:- WHAT!? You mean he’s actually gonna finish the… ohh, son of a…
Got to give this one to Edge, for diving face first into fire. Well, rather than than, you know, plunging face first into… what he had been doing… with all the, erm, Aids and the Clap and… stuff.
James Walker: Oh, come on. Eric Young, the guy who DIED in surgery and CAME BACK TO LIFE, only to WRESTLE THAT WEEKEND isn’t on this list?
Hey, Sean, yeah, I got ran over by a bus yesterday, but I’m still going to write these fannys, k? But feel free to update Leeman’s archives, because only 8 of my fingers are broken. Yeah, it’s cool, don’t worry about it. … douchebag.
25) PLUMMETING FASTER THAN A FAT GIRL OFF A CLIFF. (Award for the fastest fall from grace in wrestling. The wrestler chosen must signify a real plunge in quality, effort or push in just one year’s time).
Nominees: Chris Masters, Sabu, RVD, Carlito, Batista, Rey Mysterio, Team 3D, Raven, Elix Skipper, Vince Mcmahon, Joey Styles, Tazz, Christian Cage , Sting, Kane.
Sean Carless: Batista. What a difference a year makes. Just last year I voted him as most improved. And now this. Man. Batista just hasn't been the same since coming back. Perhaps it's time to take a page from other old Animals who've outlived their usefulness like Old Yeller and Cujo and just put Batista down. Or maybe he could just improve. I guess that would be a better solution then shooting him point blank with a shotgun. Clearly.
Derek Burgan: How can a case not be made for Carlito? A true blue chipper who clearly doesn't give a shit anymore.
Justin Shapiro: Between his loss of health, muscle, momentum, and charisma, Dave Batista went from THE ANIMAL to THAT TALL OLD GUY WITH LOW BODY FAT.
Joe Merrick: Vince. You know it’s time to call it quits when you have less ability to tell storylines than the fucking writers for Will & Grace. Seriously, when you stoop so low as to telling really stupidly obvious ‘offensive’ jokes and making gags that are clearly just for blatant ‘shock’ value, you need to….I’ve just been informed I am no longer the recapper for Smackdown. Huh, way to shoot yourself in the foot, Joe.
Remy: Christian “at least I’ll be a main-eventer in TNA” Cage. And yet, he remains a mid-carder after his one title push. At least RVD didn’t get delusions of grandeur.
Michael Melchor: The announce team of Tazz and Joey Styles get my vote for this because I don't know how they can look themselves in a mirror nowadays. They sit and put over ECW as "the new breed" and that you can't see this iind of action anywhere else...except on the same two brands of WWE shit that they "despise". Shit, why didn't I think of these two for the Credibility category as well?
Cameron Burge: Could somebody get me the clocked speeds on that? Because fat girl’s plummeting off cliffs could be a pretty lucrative betting source if we start throwing them off now. Was Vince ever in grace at all to begin with? I’m pretty sure most fans carry a general disdain for him year round regardless of whether he’s on TV or not. I’d say the biggest fall from grace goes to poor Rey Mysterio. Here he is, on top of the world with the World Heavyweight Championship around his waist after a long overdo time away from the title picture, and what do we get? A story centered around Eddie rising from the grave like some sort of spirit in order to save the day. And it doesn’t even stop there! It’s like proverbially dragging your ass over the poor guy’s grave. And the fact that Rey seemed to have no qualms participating in it, certainly doesn’t help him in my eye.
Canadian Bacon: Silly, Fat girls don't fall any faster than you and I. If my eight years at Anne Murray Secondary School taught me anything, it was that. (and that pubic hair burns incredibly fast whilst under the intense heat of a laboratory Bunsen burner!)
Gershon Levy: I’d say Vince here because when he only made the occasional appearance it was always entertaining to some degree. When he started appearing every single week and also in the main storyline for several months, it got real tiresome. In one year, I went from saying, “uh oh here comes Vince” to “oh no here comes Vince”.
Dr. Gonzo: I have to go with the proverbial tie here. Rey Mysterio has fallen faster than celebrity sympathy for nationwide tragedy. Joey Styles has give up even being himself and appears to being forced being a skinny, non-melting face version of JR. The quality of his work is gone, just like ECW.
British Bullfrog: Oh, Tazz, remember when you were top colour man in the business? And now, not for nuthin', you have fallen further than a...dammit fat girl off a cliffs already been done. You've fallen far.
Anvil's Swagbag: Tazz sucks.
Joey:- OH MY GOD! This is the FIRST five star match since the beginning of the New ECW! What do you think to CM Punk’s strategy so far.
Tazz:- Not for nuffin’,
Tazz:- Yeah, not for nuffin’.
Joey:- Not for nuffin’ what??
Joey:- You don’t care anymore, do you?
Tazz:- …I miss Cole.
Joey:- Let’s call the match. It has to be said, this match is a rocketbuster of epic proportions.
Tazz:- Kill. Me.
James Walker: DAVE-DAVE-DAVE-DAAAAAVE!!!! DAVE, DAVE, DAVE, DAAAAAAVE. (Sing it like Beethoven’s 5th. It beats the hell out of Saliva.)
Josey Scott: WALKER'S GOTTEN ANAL UP IN HERE Y'ALL YEEEEAH
Shut up, Josey. Go back to Joe’s column; it’s the only place you’re welcome nowadays.
To me, this is a no-brainer. The guy simply isn’t as over as he was pre-injury, and it’s showing in his piss-poor performances in the ring. The reason he’s been facing Finlay so much recently is the same reason why Lashley feuded with him for the better part of 6 months – they need him to improve. However, Lashley is young, and still has a lot to learn. Batista, however, should be in his prime right now. However, if you call botching powerbombs, generic matches, and an overall lack of effort “prime”, that’s like McDonalds saying the McRib is “prime” rib. (Fun fact: It’s not!)
I don’t know whether he accidentally got the chemo instead of his ex-wife, but it would explain his lethargic tendencies in the ring. (And it’d also explain his haircut.) On top of that, his promos have become mundane, dry, and simply not interesting at all. However, I’m sure we can blame that on the fact that Dave’s forced to have conversations with Rebecca DiPietro… I’m sure I can have a more intelligent conversation with my penis. Hell, let’s give it a shot.
Me: Hey there, penis. What’s up?
My Penis: Me!
Yep. Looks like I can.
26)THE BEST THING SINCE INTERNET PORN. (Wrestler of The Year Award)
Nominees: Samoa Joe, Edge, John Cena, Kurt Angle, HBK, HHH, Finlay, Chris Benoit, AJ Styles, King Booker, Bryan Danielson, Christopher Daniels, Christian Cage, Abyss, Jeff Hardy, RVD, Big Show, Rey Mysterio, Mick Foley.
Sean Carless: Edge. Edge is the man. I was duely impressed with the Rated R Superstar this year. No one put on more consistently great main events that had drama, gore, and Lita's glorious Titties housed in a shower curtain fashioned into a top. As far as I'm concerned, after the year of quality Edge has given me, he can fuck MY girlfriend.
Derek Burgan: My vote goes for Jack Evans and I expect to be seen as way ahead of my time once the taped Wrestle Society X shows begin airing on MTV in January. Jack has a gimmick and charisma that are uparalleled in wrestling along with bringing an offense to the table that is as exciting to watch today as the Hardy Boyz were during the Attitude Era.
Justin Shapiro: The wrestler of the year is Edge, who was the best all-around act, consistently had the best PPV matches, and had them with John Cena at that. And I will reflect that in my Match of the Year (other than my Ass and your Face) ballot, just you watch.
Joe Merrick: Edge, Edge, Edge, Edge, EDGE. I can’t stress how much this guy’s improved over the last couple of years. It’s already been mentioned how he’s ballsy enough to PROVE he deserves his spot, and he more than deserves another reign with the title.
Remy: This might seem like a shocker, but I’m going to say Edge. He worked his ass off to become a legit main-eventer and put on one of the best feuds in years.
Also, speaking of porn, he provided a Lita nipple slip with his in-ring sex celebration. So technically it IS internet porn that has won him this award.
Michael Melchor: If we were factoring personal lives into the equation, he'd be caned. However, since it doesn't, Edge is my winner. He's had one hell of a year and has gone out of his way to be what a heel should in the process. Wrestler of the Year should be based on what the person in question does at work, and Edge has proven his work ethic time and time again.
Cameron Burge: There’s not much better than internet porn. Except for FREE internet porn. The Best Wrestler for all of 2006 eh? Looks like we’re getting into the more “serious” awards. That is, if you can call just about anything we do here serious. But this is our half-assed attempt at seriousness to justify the existence of these award anyway, so you’ll all sit back and fucking enjoy it! Hey, who put Edge on this list? Were’ you smoking crack again Sean? Anyway, I’m tossing this award over toward Mick Foley for actually dragging some good matches out of the Rated R Superstar and putting a shine on an otherwise dull and repetitively annoying year. We can only hope he’ll be back for another quick paycheck soon.
Canadian Bacon: Great Khali. He's big so that means he's Great. And if he wasn't gonna grow up to be bigtime awesome, his Mom would never have named him "Great". That's some bigtime pressure right there. But Khali can handle it. And like I've said before, don't give me that "HE KILLED A GUY" thing. Because that just means HE'S A GREAT WRESTLER. The object of the game is to pin your opponent. And what's easier to pin than a dead body? IT JUST MAKES SENSE!!!!11
Gershon Levy: This was possibly the worst year for wrestling in a long time, as you have to look really hard to find the positives. I think based on what did happen I’ll go with Edge. I used to not think he was more than a midcarder but he jumped to main event status with his two title runs and actually ran well with it. It’ll be interesting to see what happens now that he no longer has Lita’s tits to distract during his appearances.
Dr. Gonzo: 2 words: Samoa Joe. This guy, although being kept away from the title unjustly, is the baddest man on the planet, in TNA. He is huge, powerful, agile and fucking killer. He could be a superstar in any promotion, but I'm glad he's in TNA where he is a god among men. Go Samoa Joe, GO!
British Bullfrog: To be perfectally honest, this year has been lacking a shining star in wrestling despite boasting a number of people who perform spectacularly occasionaly. The only exception I can think of to this rule is Samoa Joe, who always delivers top quality matches and performs to the best of his ability.
Anvil's Swagbag: I’d love to give it to Joe. I’d love even MORE to give it to Finlay. And God Knows every sinew is crying out for Foley. But it has to be Edge for consistency, character, risk taking, psychology and pure unadulterated entertainment.
James Walker: Chris Jericho couldn’t do it. Kurt Angle had no chance. Triple H, of all people, wasn’t even remotely close to getting it to happen. However, Edge was able to do the one thing all these guys failed miserably at - he got John Cena over as a face.
Oh, he also had a hell of a series of matches with the guy after pausing to put on a great match with Mick Foley at Wrestlemania. Oh, oh, let’s not also forget that sick finish to Edge/Cena TLC at Unforgiven. Oooh, yeah, he also cut some great promos. Oh, and he won his first and second WWE championships, and is currently enjoying a superfluous reign as a tag team champion. Why? Because, finally, the guy is credible. Fans buy Edge as a champion, which we can’t say for everyone, can we, Lashley?
Face it, folks. While I could try to convince you how awesome he was this year (which he was), there is ONE thing Edge did for us this year that no one else can say: he allowed us to see Lita’s tit. If that doesn’t win you wrestler of the year, nothing will.
27)MATCH OF THE YEAR (other than my Ass and your Face)
Nominees: Edge vs. Foley(WM 22), Money in the Bank(WM 22), Edge & Foley vs. Dreamer & Funk (ECW ONS), Joe vs. Styles vs. Daniels (Against All Odds), Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle(Genesis), Cena vs. Edge at Unforgiven, Angle vs. RVD on ECW TV, Styles/Daniels vs LAX (Ultimate X), Angle/Taker (No Way Out), Trish vs. Lita (Unforgiven).
Sean Carless: Tie: For completely different reasons. First: Edge vs. Mick Foley. Putting his cock in Lita wasn't the most dangerous thing Edge did in 2006. That honor belonged to delivering a shirtless spear through a flaming table headfirst. Mick Foley more than carried his weight as well. A truly spectacularly violent gorefest, but fucking Awesome at the same time.
The other? Kurt Angle vs. The Undertaker: Dead Man vs. Soon to be the same? I sure hope not. These two guys ripped shit up, and proved that just because you're an undead 1800's mortician with supernatural powers doesn't mean you can't hang with a gold medalist. Let's see any other 7 foot magical Funeral Director do that.
Derek Burgan: ROH vs. CZW in the Cage of Death at Death Before Dishonor IV. Hands down the best booked match of the year with months of various storylines all coming together in one match.
Justin Shapiro: 1. Angle vs. Undertaker, No Way Out
2. Edge vs. Foley, Wrestlemania
3. Edge vs. Cena, Unforgiven
Joe Merrick: A tough one. But I think Angle/Taker clinches it, for reminding us that Taker can still pull off a damn good match when he wants to, and proving to the naysayers that just because he doesn’t do flippy-hippy backflips just to pull off a basic armbar (Looking at you, TNA marks) doesn’t mean he’s a waste of space. Props to Angle as well, of course, but to me Taker is the one who stood out.
Remy: I haven’t watched enough actual wrestling to be able to answer this question. Incidentally, this happened to me on a final exam this semester. So I should have lots of time to watch wrestling now that I am destined to be an unemployed bum on welfare. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. *cough Sean cough*
Michael Melchor: Have to give to Edge and Foley here. The World Title match (despite having the wrong ending) was good, but these two outright stole the show with sick bumps and an even sicker psychology in so far as both being determined to hurt the other in proving who the "King of Hardcore" is. Great stuff.
Cameron Burge: Money in the Bank. The Curious new match type that seems to be attempting to make itself into a staple of Wrestlemania, more of a cheap excuse not to build an Intercontinental Title story while still showcasing underused wrestlers, but still good and entertaining to watch, and while Shelton may not have ran up the ladder, it was still filled with more high spots than a Cheech and Chong movie marathon. Rob Van Dam pulling off the victory was just some icing on the cake, leading (albeit in a roundabout way and not the way that was expected) to the most wanted title reign of probably the last few years. So, since it pretty much showcased some of my favorite wrestlers, and I got the results I had been hoping for, I can’t complain. Two thumb up.
Canadian Bacon: HBK & God vs. The McMahons. Even though God showed up to Backlash in no condition to compete (of course when your son can turn any liquid in wine, this is bound to happen!) my only disappintment though was that we didn't get to see a lot of The Lord's documented WORKRATE (he did create the Heavens and Earth in 6 days! I myself would prolly need twice as long as that!).
But something really good DID come out of the deal! Yesireebob, I had sources backstage at Backlash, and they filed this bigtime official report seen in my super-duper celebrated column, Bringing Home The Bacon!:
- Rob Van Dam (who was sharing a locker room with The Lord) asked if God minded if he got stoned. God said “Done.” And like 6 Pharisees showed up and beat Rob to death with rocks!!!!11
- John Cena asked God if he could use his supernatural powers to make him a good wrestler, and God laughed and said “there are even some miracles I can’t accomplish!”
-HBK asked God backstage if he had ever done a blade job before. And God responded, “done one? I invented them!” And showed a picture of Abraham’s penis as proof!
-In his short tenure with the company, God gained a reputation for pulling some really great ribs. Literally! He then created women from them for the Diva’s division!!!!1
-Triple H and God were apparently arguing over who took longer, God in creating the heavens and Earth, or a Triple H promo. HHH is still giving his side of the story as we speak!
-Vince was seen talking shop with God; with the two discussing where lost souls and undesirables go. After the conversation, God and Vince decided to combine Hell and OVW, stating they pretty much serve the same purpose!!!!!111
-God had some issues working on Sundays for some reason.
-God apparently brought his wrestling gear in the Ark of the Covenant, and right before bell time, he realized he left his knee pads in there; Lance Cade then said he’d be happy to get them for him, but when he opened God’s luggage, his face melted!
Gershon Levy: I think the only ones of these I saw is Angle/RVD and I don’t even remember it. For the life of me, I can’t remember one match that stood out. This either means that there just were no outstanding matches this year or at 30, Alzheimer’s is already kicking in.
Dr. Gonzo: Since I didn't see most of these matches, the one that really had me worked up was Edge vs. Foley from WM 22. I am a sucker for these gimmick matches with Foley as I think I chose Foley vs. Orton as my winner last year. He knows how to construct the perfect gimmick match all the time, as he started to do it with Austin and perfected it with Triple H. Plus, he did what a match with a veteran is supposed to do, and that is put over the talent in the match. This made Edge the R-Rated Superstar.
British Bullfrog: Damn, it's a lot harder without the face/ass option...I'm giving it to the ONS2 tag match. Although at some points it did stop being a great match and start becoming an old man setting himself on fire and generally performing sick sadistic acts. Another reason why it rocks so hard.
Anvil's Swagbag: Edge and Foley, Wrestlemania. No other match this year made me mark out with such conviction. The last visual of that match will go down in the history books. STRONG kudos to Dreamer and Funk for the ONS match which was almost as breathtaking, and Angle and Taker who told the story of their match like no other this year.
James Walker: Edge VS Foley at Wrestlemania. The match itself was excellent, and no one can say otherwise. There were some ridiculously sick spots in it, yadda yadda yadda. But what I think is lost on everyone is that: Edge had this match of the year, had his mouth jammed with barbed wire, and dove face-first into a flaming table – all while being exceedingly pissed off at the company for cutting short his highly successful title reign. These guys stole the show at Wrestlemania, and did so while one guy is a non-wrestler. I think this match not only cemented Edge as a main-event level guy to the fans, but also management – for wouldn’t you know it, a couple months later, he was WWE champion again. Maybe that was McManagement’s way of saying “Heh, oops”?
28)The BENNIFER/ TomKat Award for Worst Match of the Year:
Nominees: Kane vs. Kane (Vengeance), Show vs. Batista (ECW TV), Show vs. Undertaker (ECW TV), Khali vs. anybody?, Angle vs. Mark Henry (Royal Rumble), Boogeyman vs. JBL (Royal Rumble), TNA's Reverse Battle Royal, Booker T & Sharmell vs Boogeyman (WM 22), Taz vs. Lawler (ECW One Night Stand), Jay Lethal vs Petey Williams ( Williams has a laxative in his water), Hogan vs Orton (Summerslam), Batista/Booker (SummerSlam)
Sean Carless: Kurt Angle vs. Mark Henry: Royal Rumble 2006. Even Kurt Angle, God given talent and a forklift couldn't carry Mizark's useless ass to a watchable match. And it went on last! Dear God. And all so Undertaker could collapse the ring. (and if he hadn't, surely God himself would have; swallowing it up into oblivion like Craig T. Nelson's fucking house in Poltergeist).
Derek Burgan: God damn it, I had almost forgotten about that fucking Williams match with him grabbing his ass.
Justin Shapiro: Reverse Battle Royal. All that for a bye to a spot in a ... I don't even know. But next they should have a reverse elimination match which doesn't stop until everyone gets added to the match.
Joe Merrick: Khali vs. Anyone. The fact he’s allowed to face anyone even after killing a man in the ring should raise alarms. I imagine his victim’s family are pretty steamed about it:
Remy: All of the above. I couldn’t pick a best match because I wasn’t in a position to answer, but I can damn sure be critical! God, this is what I love about wrestling.
Michael Melchor: The first big sign that ECW was as good as dead is when they booked Big Show and Batista, of all people, to headline an ECW show at the Hammerstein. The two wasted no time in putting on the slow, plodding type of match that the ECW faithful all hated. You can't show real human excrement on live television, so McMahon gave us the next best thing.
Cameron Burge: Can we add Hogan vs. Couchzilla to that one? My official pick for absolute worst shitfest of the year goes to, every single damn match the Great Khali has, and ever will have. It’s like watching the Undertaker wrestle in slow motion, only without any of the interesting moves either. Maybe somebody forgot to tell him you’re only supposed to slow down to bullet time when interesting things are happening. But in reality, this isn’t The Great Khali vs. anyone. It’s more of The Great Khali vs. himself and his own ineptitude. He’s obviously his own worst enemy in this case. I think we’re all pretty much in agreement when I say they should just sideline Khali permanently and toss Daivari into the ring on a more regular basis. He’s obviously already got the in ring skill and the ability to entertain the crow don the mic, as opposed to rambling incoherently for long durations of time..
Canadian Bacon: Dusty Rhodes vs. Nicky of the Spirit Squad. Dusty was a major letdown. I guess I just really expected something more out of a Cyborg ( It's true! Dusty's "Bionic Elbow" was the tip off! But be careful, WWE! A robot arm is actually what got Skynet rolling in the first place! Don't say I didn't warn you when the computers become self aware..then break down five seconds later until they upgrade to XP Service pack 2!).
But I'm just glad we actually got to see a robot in action. Especially if you consider how hard it musta been to find enough synthetic skin to cover his metal endoskeleton.
Gershon Levy: I didn’t see most of these but one that I did that was horrible was Angle and Henry at the Rumble. Besides the match itself just being awful, the fact they did this match last at the Royal Rumble just so they could have Undertaker show up and make the ring collapse made it even worse and made me remember why I stopped ordering pay per views.
Dr. Gonzo: This is easily a list that makes me want to barf the most. Anything with the Bog Show this year was terrible. Batista had a terrible year as well. Taz and Lawler's match was a joke. And, oh god, BBBAAAAARRRRFFFFFFF!
British Bullfrog: The FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO DESTROY THE COMPANAAAAY reverse battle royal gets this one. I don't know if you could tell by my subtle hints in my recaps at the time, but I wasn't too keen on it. Biggest clusterfuck of the year by a mile.
Anvil's Swagbag: Did you know that the signal for the Chariots of fire to return to Earth is a Boogeyman and Khali match? Anything including these two this year has gone against the morals of a Pro Lifer.
James Walker: Big Show vs Batista on ECW. Come on – you know these guys are going to have a shitty match to begin with, but then you put them in a LEGIT ECW environment? Add on DAVE’S severe inability to deal with heckling crowds, and this match stunk worse than Joey Maggs, circa right now. Honestly, the guy had no idea what to do; he was more confused than a blind lesbian in a fish market. The thing that blew me away most about this abortion (besides the fact that it was BIG SHOW VS BATISTA AS AN ECW MAIN EVENT), was that Dave conducted an interview for WWE.com afterwards, and blatantly lied though his teeth saying he loved the ECW crowd. Let me tell you something – if Batista loved that crowd, he’d have bought them all cars, like Oprah did. And he didn’t. What a cheap son of a bitch.
29)BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT SINCE FAKE TITTIES WERE INVENTED (most improved wrestler of the year)
Nominees: John Cena, Jeff Hardy, Big Show, Candice Michelle, Lashley, JBL on commentary, Eric Young, Kevin Thorn, Edge, Johnny Nitro, Booker T,
Sean Carless: For me it was Big Show. I cringed when I first heard ECW would be in his (skillet) hands, but by the end of his reign, I kind of missed the big lug. And the funny thing is, the worse shape he got in this year, the better he seemed to get. Now if only I could convince my girlfriend the same thing about me.
Honorable mention goes to Candice Michelle who really improved her game. Normally, when it comes to non-Victoria, non-Mickie James Divas, you applaud improvement the same way you do a mongoloid who manages to get through the day without eating a gluestick. You just pat them on the head, and say "Good job". But Candice REALLY did improve on every aspect of her in ring work. Hats off (and pants too) to her.
Derek Burgan: Johnny Nitro was given the ball this year after Joey Mercury blew the biggest break of his career, and Nitro scored a touchdown. He had one memorably bad promo with Melina (the infamous press conference) but has since shown himself to be okay behind the mic and getting much better in the ring.
Justin Shapiro: Unfortunately I think it's Candice Michelle, who, coincidentally enough, would never have been in that position to improve had Fake Titties not been invented.
Joe Merrick: King Booker. My God. I went from wanting this guy to retire to wanting him to remain World Champion. And people can say that they want Booker to ‘bring back the Heat’, but fact remains, that’s what he’s DONE by becoming this new persona. Seriously, how old was ‘5 time!’ becoming? Face it, he’s completely rejuvenated and all the better for it. Plus, it’s not like ‘6 time!’ has the same ring to it, seeing as he can’t do it with one hand.
Remy: Edge. I used to think he sucked and should never be more than a mid-carder. Now I think of him as an integral part of the main event. Much fucking improved.
Michael Melchor: Booker T - excuse me, "KING BooKAHHH!!1!" - has this one. Not that he needed much imrpovement, but he took the King Of The RIng concept and obecame a character that we all cared about while wearing that crown. And come on - tell me it doesn't crack you up whenever he reverts from his "proper English" back to his usual accent. Priceless.
Cameron Burge: I’m looking at you Johnny Nitro. While you may have taken up the freakishly annoying habit of cock-blocking my weekly Melina crotch shot, you have however taken the time to improve your in ring skills. Johnny’s become quite the entertaining individual as of late, adding brand new moves to his repertoire and really speeding up his in ring game to put himself on the same level Shelton was running on last year. And I can’t say I don’t love the break dancing leg drop. It’s probably my favorite move at the moment. Now if he could just pick out a defined finisher rather than just being the generic heel who happens to squeak out wins thanks to his hot manager on occasion, then we’d really have a top class act.
Canadian Bacon: Ric Flair. If he keeps his head on straight, he's gonna be one of the great ones. Keep your eye on this kid. He's going places. I know potential when I see it! You can quote me on that!
Gershon Levy: Candice would be a good choice here because she’s actually become watchable in the ring (even though I usually close my eyes when I’m enjoying her appearances). I’m going on my own here and picking Carlito as he didn’t even have a finishing move a year ago and now he’s actually developed some wrestling skills to match his promo skills. If only they’d give him a decent push and keep him out of romantic storylines (Trish is one thing, but Torrie?)
Dr. Gonzo: Hands down Edge made significant improvements in the ring, but this year goes to JBL on commentary. He really brings down Michael Cole who tends to go on tangents of overhyping. Kudos to JBL for being the best commentator in the WWE right now.
British Bullfrog: Yes Big Show has improved but he's just improved from atrocious to bad, it's a bit like saying 'hey that castration was a lot less painful with a sharper knife'. Same goes for Cena who despite his improvement is still bad so I give it to JBL, easily the best colour man of the year and so so much better on that side of the ropes.
Anvil's Swagbag: Hey, the last time we saw Kevin Thorn, he was dressed like Kylie Minogue in the ‘I Just Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’ video. Now, he’s looking pretty good in there. You know, except for the endless squashes, the dodgy DQ victories and the retarded Vampire gimmick…erm… are these trick questions??
James Walker: Johnny Nitro. This was a tough call, for Big Show worked his ass off as ECW champion, all while injured, and Candice Michelle has gone from Diva Search Reject to “Holy crap, did she just break her nose and still finish the match?”, but Johnny Nitro has come a long way, baby. Seriously – his run as N of MNM was very entertaining, but Joey Mercury worked 90% of their matches. However, one convenient Wellness Test later, Nitro found himself on Raw, and picked up his game, going from “That Tough Enough Kid with shitty hair” to “Holy crap, was that a corkscrew moonsault?” His ladder match with Jeff Hardy was very good, and hell, his entire series with Hardy proved entertaining. This kid has WWE champion written all over him, and that’s not because I snuck into his hotel room armed with a Sharpie, either. (Though I did.)
30)I'D BUY IT... IF I COULDN'T STEAL IT (PPV of the year):
Nominees: Lockdown, One Night Stand, WrestleMania, Unforgiven, Judgment Day, Summer Slam, No Mercy, Bound For Glory,
Sean Carless: Wrestlemania 22. Not that I didn't try to steal it. Cue the piracy DVD guy! First runner-up was Unforgiven 2006, which I actually attended live. (CHEAP PLUG~!)
Derek Burgan: What a weak year for PPVs. I'm going to go with One Night Stand as it was the only one that I picked up the very day it was released on DVD.
Justin Shapiro: Wrestlemania! BIG TIME I'M ON MY WAY I'M MAKING IT.
Joe Merrick: Wrestlemania, for having one of the best built-up matches of the year (Edge/Foley) and the genuinely controversial match of HHH/Cena. At the time I disliked both, but the main thing is the match got people talking. Hell, even Taker/Henry managed to be semi-decent, you can’t argue that that’s a feat in itself.
Remy: I’d have paid for any of the TNA PPV’s if I could get PPV while at school. They consistently put on good shows, they’re far cheaper than WWE, and they still manage to be better than WWE.
Michael Melchor: I have to vote for WrestleMania simply because it was the only one I watched. The biggest show of the year wins by default because, frankly, there wasn't much worth spending that much money to watch this year.
Cameron Burge: It wasn’t really a good year for WWE’s PPVs, seeing as how most of them were half-assed attempts at making a good show thanks to being rushed at by the sheer number of them this year. Sixteen? Christ Vince, do you think we fucking shit money or something? Or have you forgotten that the majority of your fans are jobless losers? Still, there were a couple of gems out there, and I’d have to go with Wrestlemania on this one, mostly since it had Hunter NOT getting his title back and my own personal favorite match of the year, The Money in the Bank. I simply can’t overlook two qualities that big. Now if I could just bother to actually pay for the PPVs once in a while.
Canadian Bacon: Hot Holes on Viewers Choice after dark. Although they lied when they said it was hardcore, because no one used a chair or a kendo stick once. (one girl did use a broom handle though).
Gershon Levy: The only PPV I saw this year was Royal Rumble. Thanks to Blockbuster Online being morons and repeatedly sending me the original ECW One Night Stand, I didn’t get to see that one. Based on the fact it was the only PPV I wanted to rent and the fact the main event had a good ending, I’ll go with that.
Dr. Gonzo: I was a sucker for ONS and that one will stick out especially because it marks the last time that ECW appeared to be ECW. RIP you half assed attempt at a re-launch.
British Bullfrog: This year has been slightly void of classic PPVs but One Night Stand was a fantastic exception. Even Cena's match was brilliant for Christs sake.
Anvil's Swagbag: Oooooh! It’s close between Wrestlemania and One Night Stand. I’ll give it to ONS because there was no Boogeyman or Henry. Hell, I’d go to Nazi Germany dressed as Anne Frank over watching these guys.
James Walker: For the second year in a row, One Night Stand gets my nod. I won’t bother running down the matches because you can check out my review of the thing here, *cough*. However, l will say this: While I enjoyed last year’s version more, this year had one thing every ECW fan has hoped for – Rob Van Dam became a world champion. To me, that was MY “Wrestlemania Moment” this year. Ruck those Fules, Vince.
31)WENDY WHOPPERS "BEST PAIR OF THE YEAR" (Best tag team)
Nominees: LAX, AJ & Daniels, London & Kendrick, DX, MNM, Orton & Edge, AMW, Spirit Squad, Sabu & RVD, The Hardys,
Sean Carless: The Hardys. Simply put, despite only being briefly reunited, Matt & Jeff proved to Vince that there's actually still money left in a competitive tag division. Those Hardys are miracle workers, I tell you. I wonder if they can write TV, too? ;)
Derek Burgan: The Spirit Squad took a gimmick that 99.44% of the audience shit on (including myself) and turned it into one of the most entertaining things on RAW until the creative team and DX killed it dead. All five of these guys deserve a lot of credit, instead 4 of them got a one way ticket back to Kentucky and 500 dollars a week.
Justin Shapiro: LAX. Arriba la raza.
Joe Merrick: I have a soft spot for MNM, for being a genuinely new ‘team’ and actually having talent and charisma. And of course, Melina’s entrance was indeed a bonus blessing.
Remy: AMW is still the best tag team in the wrestling world today. I did mark out a bit over Orton and Edge. Unfortunately, the excitement faded as soon as DX was involved.
How come Piper and Flair aren’t on this list? They were a team of BIBLICAL proportions (but only because they’re just as old). Also, one of them will be seeing God in the near future.
Michael Melchor: Christ, did LAX step up to the plate or what? Homicide, Hernandez, and Konnan are what Cryme Tyme would be if someone had half a brain. This is real heat brought about by a mouthpiece that knows how to get it and a couple strong workers that know how to keep it.
Cameron Burge: So I’m guessing Melina’s tits are off the list of options here? No? Please? Damnit. Well, as short lived as their rebirth has seemed to be as I write this, I enjoyed the few appearances of the Hardy Boys we were allowed to get this year. It made me long for the days of a fully formed tag division, comprised of actual tag teams and not any of this thrown together team bullshit like Rated RKO (De-Degeneration X) or Viscera & whoever the hell he’s teaming with now. I guess Haas ditched him to reform with Shelton. Between all the new teams and the reformed old ones, we could have a really strong tag division, especially if the Hardys become a regular occurance.
Canadian Bacon: My dink & I. We've been through A LOT together, but we keep persevering! We're a well oiled machine (and the oil runs out we use Jergen's baby lotion)!
My Second pick is M&Ms Nitro & Mercury (and not peanut and chocolate, although they're a close third). I have no idea if they melt in your mouth and not in your hand (Because I don't have a mandible big enough to fit both) but they're still bigtime awesome.
Gershon Levy: I might get ridiculed for this pick but I am going to go with the Spirit Squad. Yes, it’s a dumb gimmick and yes, there were gay jokes a plenty. But these are five young guys who can all wrestle. It’ll be interesting to see if the “other four” come back in some way now that Kenny is getting a singles push.
Dr. Gonzo: Kendrick and London together are great and make any team they're in there with better with their ability to flop around the ring. I was going to go with AJ and Daniels, but I'd rather see them feuding.
British Bullfrog: Despite recently becoming a bit predictable, LAX are still the number one team of this year.
Anvil's Swagbag: MNM for unity, tag-psychology and evidence that tag team wrestling could still be good.
….wow, I managed to respond to that without a tits joNIPPLES.
James Walker: You might as well hand me a fresh roll of toilet paper, because I’m a full-fledged LAXative. If that’s the case, it puts a whole new meaning on the term “wetback”, doesn’t it? I kid, I kid. You can’t deny that the LAX has slid smoothly as the top TNA team, and are flying by the seat of their pants as tag champions. Unlike some other teams, they’re definitely not stinking up the joint, for you know when the LAX has a match, it’s gonna be good shit.
Ok, ok, seriously though. The LAX is so good, I think I’m willing to put them as my #2 greatest tag team of all time.
32)FULL-FRONTAL FEUDITY (Feud of the year)
Nominees: Edge vs. Cena, Styles & Daniels vs. LAX, Christian/Rhino, Edge/Foley, Flair/Foley, Rey vs. Chavo, Sting vs. Jarrett, DX vs. McMahons, Lita's titties vs. gravity, Jeff Hardy vs. Johnny Nitro, Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle.
Sean Carless: Edge vs. John Cena. Very good matches, and Edge actually managed to make Cena a more relatable character rather than just Superman with FUBU shorts and a fucking crew cut. It's just a shame this feud had to end, because now Edge is Litaless, we're titty shirtless, and all he has left is his
heterosexual metrosexual lifemate Randy Orton and the prospect of being fed to the bottomless sarlaac pit of ego that is DX.
Derek Burgan: CZW vs. ROH. The elitist Ring of Honor fans had to sit in horror as the hardcore violence of CZW invaded their ring. It brought with some five star promos from Jim Cornette and Chris Hero, awesomely great locker room clearing brawls, Super Dragon in an ROH ring, and - as mentioned earlier - the incredible Cage of Death conclusion. ROH took a one-off match between Hero and Danielson, and turned it into an angle that neither WWE or TNA came close to matching.
Justin Shapiro: Edge vs. Cena over Flair vs. Foley although that month of Flair/Foley was a joyous thing. YEAH!
Joe Merrick: Without a doubt, Edge/Foley. One of the best builds in a LONG while. You simply couldn’t fault Foley’s promo abilities, and I just loved it when Edge originally snapped at him. When he called Foley a ‘son of a bitch’ you couldn’t help but feel Edge’s pure rage at losing the title. On top of it all, it led to an amazing match. Flawless.
Remy: Edge vs. Cena. Easily.
2nd place goes to William Regal vs. his towel. “Wanna go get high?” Hmm … maybe that towel was RVD’s downfall too …
Michael Melchor: Styles and Daniels vs. LAX was what a tag team feud should be. No, "Hey you loked at my girl wrong" or "we're white and you're not" bullshit...jjst four guys who spilled blood and put on some great matches over who was better and who deserved the gold. One of the lone bright spots in a shitty year.
Cameron Burge: What are you nuts? Is there even a fucking question? I know Lita’s tits against the powerful forces of Gravity was a close, edge of your seat classic that kept you guessing until the end (will they sag?! Find out next week here on RAW!), but Feud of the year unquestionably goes to Flair and Foley for spewing out some of the best promos seen in the last few YEARS let alone this year, as well as some classics I’ll dare not be forgetting anytime soon. This is the feud everyone had been waiting for ever since Flair shot his mouth off about Foley and his books, calling Mick a glorified stuntman, which I suppose is pretty true in a way, but still, the material was there, and it was a great pay out when we finally got to see it.
Canadian Bacon: The Baconman vs. Sean Carless. It's only gonna get worse from here, Stealer of Glories! The Roosters are coming home to do Rooster stuff! Bank on it!
Gershon Levy: It’s sad this is what I am choosing but I go with Flair/Foley because I LOVED the promos building up to their match. The younger guys could definitely learn a thing or five from these two.
Dr. Gonzo: Kurt and Samoa Joe. Is there any other? This took the premise of putting 2 guys in a ring together who hate each other, and had it all over TNA. It was a dream match premise and they built it up well, although I wish they extended it longer, before giving the match up. Anything extended is better. That's why I pop 2 viagra every day when I wake up and go to work with a raging boner.
British Bullfrog: Kurt Angle coming to TNA did not have a good start. He came out and did some whiney bitchy promos about how much the WWE sucked that were on a VKM scale of 'look at me' but my God did he pull it back. When they stopped concentrating on why he was there and how he was so totally NOT on drugs and just let him get on with what it is he does best it created one of the best built feuds in TNA' s history.
Anvil's Swagbag: I mean, obviously the Foley feuds were awesome, and the Joe and Angle feud has been great. But no feud this year has had the resonance of the Edge and Cena feud. Edge proved once and for all that he DESERVED to be top heel, carrying an admittedly entertaining Cena to some incredible matches.
This is why I vote Foley Vs. Edge. SYK, bitch.
James Walker: Edge VS Cena. To me, this is what wrestling feuds should be all about: Faux-Emo Yuppies VS Faux-Thug Gangsters. Oh, that and two guys who don’t like each other, trade wins, and put on consistently entertaining matches. While the matches weren’t on the level of Joe VS Angle, these two guys had a feuded that lasted ten months, and never got old. In today’s over-saturated wrestling market, with 6+ hours of wrestling a week, complete with 28 PPV’s a year, Edge VS Cena proved a total success.
Oh, did I mention that it allowed us to see Lita’s tit? ‘Cause that was real cool.
33)"LIKE SCROTUM, HERE IT IS IN A NUTSHELL" (Single defining moment of 2005, good or bad)
Nominees: The continued use of Eddie Guerrero in tasteless storylines, Elevated Liver Enzymes~!, RVD & Sabu busted, Psicosis stars in Grand Theft Auto: Mexico; ECW's rebirth, Vince McMahon vs. God, DX reunites, John Cena becomes "mainstream" (for 2 weeks anyway), Edge's ascension to top heel, Russo returns to book TNA, TNA goes Primetime, Angle leaves WWE, goes to TNA; Hammerstein crowd sends WWE a message! (WWE then sends them one back: Hey, doesn't Augusta have an arena?...)
Sean Carless: Just plain Vince. It pretty much encapsulates EVERYTHING. This was the year that I think it became abundantly clear that either Vince has lost his touch completely, or he's gone insane. Or both. There was many instances this year where the company just blatantly ignored the cries of their fans, or out and out backlash (Eddie, God, ECW etc.) and just went ahead with their usual status quo. But there was a lot of good, too. Unfortunately though, not enough to swing the balance. And that's much pretty Vince's calling card these days. He sucks you in with the potential of something awesome, then either fucks it up or drops it altogether. The only stuff he seems to stick it out with is A LOT of the stuff we don't even want to see (Man ass for one.).
Sadly, WWE ultimately is like a hooker who's amidst giving you the best blowjob you've ever had, only to suddenly stop halfway through, headbutt you right between the fucking eyes and steal all the money out of your wallet. That pretty much sums up the WWE Experience for me this year. Thank God there's also other alternatives. And Thank God there's still a slew of stuff worth enjoying in WWE. And Thank God I still have it in me to make fun of all the bullshit. You'll know this industry has broken me when I stop. (or that I've suddenly and tragically died. Be a dear and call an ambulance, just in case, 'K?)
Derek Burgan: It says something about the state of wrestling when we are all so desensitized to the bullshit that we don't even think twice about the use of Eddie throughout the year, but even his family in tasteless angle. Years from now many fans will be disgusted with themselves when they realized what they watched.
Justin Shapiro: The single defining moment of the year is probably Kurt Angle's released because it encapsulates the ways that Eddie Guerrero's death and the Wellness Policy have changed the business, and not necessarily altruistically.
Joe Merrick: I think DX sums up this year, and not for good reasons. To me, they represent Vince’s refusal to move on and find new prospects, instead choosing to relive the old, and continually feed off of past gimmicks. Look at it this way. DX, ECW reborn, even the reuniting of the Brothers of Destruction. It all adds up. Vince has burned out. it’s the equivalent of Sean continually posting rehashed columns, instead of coming up with the new shit like he does all the time. And yet, Vince is a millionaire. Poor ol’ Sean can’t even afford to send me that God damn DVD.
Remy: Tie between Edge becoming main event and Angle leaving for TNA. I would have gone with Angle, hands down, except that it has had virtually no effect on anything, really. It’s sad, but true.
Michael Melchor: The defining moment of this year was when the Hammerstein Ballroom sent WWE a message and WWE responded in kind...though not the kiind they wanted. Instead of living up to their constant boast of "listening to the fans", WWE went their usual route of showing us they think know what's better for the fans and churned out the same mediocre product that has completely marred 2006.
Cameron Burge: The year, boiled down to one defining point like a Black Hole. Though that’s really more of a quantum theory than fact….What would the WWE be without the tasteless exploitation of the grand legacy of a dead man? And even better, taking that awful storyline and ramming it headlong into the dirt until it’s just a bloodied pulp, hanging on by the skin of it’s teeth, only justified in existence by the feud being between two great and entertaining superstars despite the reasoning behind. I suppose that really defines the whole thing. 2006 was just a damn tasteless year, filled with crap that boggled the mind with questions like: “Who the fuck thought THIS was a good idea again?” DX’s antics have been pretty much proof of that. We can only hope that Vince suffers a severe head wound, thus magically fixing all his seeming mental problems as it so often does in the Due Ex Machina plots of soap Operas, allowing us a better year in 2007. Then again, I’m probably hoping for way too much here.
Canadian Bacon: Matt Hardy vs. Gregory Helms! My favorite match was prolly number 7, although 15 was pretty good. I didn't really care for 35, but 48 definitely was the stuff of legends. I can't wait for the next hundred! THIS IS WRESTLING.
Gershon Levy: Angle leaving WWE for TNA I think really says a lot about the current state of pro wrestling. Christian did it last year but he had good reason to leave considering how frequently underused he was in WWE. Angle is one of the best all time stars of WWE and I never ever got tired of him. He was one of the few people who could jump to ECW and still be legit and not seem like “a WWE guy trying be ECW”. There were a lot of differing stories as to the real reason he left but ultimately when one of your top guys leaves for another company to be one of their top guys it can be a real blow. A guy like Kurt can’t be replaced. There’s no telling if TNA could ever potentially be a true threat to WWE, but if guys of Angle’s status keep making the jump, there could be a major competitor to Vince’s empire.
Dr. Gonzo: Vince McMahon vs. God. I wouldn't want to give the WWE writers any kudos for cleverness, but this is how Vinnie Mc Sees himself in the wrestling world. He is a god, and proves it by creating and destroying anything that is creative. Kind of like the anti-Heyman, although Paul E has had a large gap in between genius. Vince feels he owns the world right now.
British Bullfrog: I think a moment that defines not only this year but the last few years of wrestling and the WWE is Vince McMahon taking on God and winning. We all like to take on God, I myself prefer to mock him constantly and see if he ever comes down to call me on it. He hasn't. Pussy. But when you reach the point where you're so egotistical you're putting yourself in a battle with the devine and going over clean, you are in no fit mental state to be running a company. And if that's not proof enough that Vince is crazy, just watch an episode of ECW.
Anvil's Swagbag: The definitive moment of 2006? ECW. Nothing short of an absolute disaster with concern to the original product. The second? William Regal’s penis. This has been the year of homoerotica.
I am told that if you pause the video just as the penis is swinging to the left, you can see, in the veins structure, the image of John Laurientis smiling. The bloke that told me this also said that you can also see a speech bubble that says, ‘Fuck ECW in its shiny white ass’, but I think that is just conjecture.
James Walker: I originally wanted to pick Angle to TNA, but I think WWE’s “Our Way or the Highway” stance on ECW takes it. They’ve gone past the point where they won’t listen to the smarks, and now they’re not even listening to their own paying fans as they chant “CM Punk” during undercard matches at their ECW PPVs. Tack on firing Paul Heyman, but still keeping ECW going (which would be like making Star Wars, Episode 7: How Leia Got Her Groove Back without George Lucas, but still starring an out-of-shape Mark Hamill), and I think it’s become abundantly clear that the WWE doesn’t give a damn about what the fans want. Seriously folks, I’ve given up. The WWE doesn’t give a shit about us, and won’t any time soon. But that doesn’t mean I won’t make fun of it, because damn it, Matt Hardy jokes WILL NOT DIE!
Where was I? Oh, yeah, fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em up their stupid asses.
34) 2006 TWF WRITER OF THE YEAR
The following Award falls into two categories. The first winner is the READERS CHOICE, and was determined in an online poll on the site by YOU the Readers of The Wrestling Fan.com. And the 2nd is the Staff Award, based on a collective vote by ONLY the Staff members themselves. This Award is bestowed upon that individual who has stood out and maintained consistent quality throughout the entire year.
Nominees: Anyone on Staff who has contributed a piece or column in the 2006 calendar year.
Click HERE to find out the Winners!