Welcome to the 3rd Annual FANNY AWARDS. The Fanny Awards aren't just a collection of tastelessly named Year-End Awards...they're actually...ah, who are we kidding? If you're familiar with this site, you know that the Fanny's are our version of the Super Bowl - only we don't snap each other in the asses with towels, and take homoerotic showers together. Usually.
Anyway, if you're somewhat sensitive, you may not want to read any further. You may also want to stop being such a stupid fucking pussy.
On with the show!
1)THE FALSE FINISH. This is the award that honors one star, saying "I can't fucking believe he/she lived another year."
the nominees: Lex Luger, Superstar Graham, Fabulous Moolah, Mae Young, Scott Hall, Jake Roberts, New Jack, Jerry Jarrett, Afa, Steve Williams, Dynamite Kid, TWF's own Jason Hart;
Sean Carless: Lex Luger. I've picked Scott "Cholesterol" Hall the last two years, and since clearly it's obvious that Hall's drinking has caused the bulk of his organs to become pickled and preserved, I figured The Bad Guy had at least a few more years, so I ultimately decided to go with Lex Luger; who if this year's fuck ups and craziness are any evidence, just might be reunited with Liz before he knows it. (We already know this guy ain't the best at calling 911 so I'd think it's kinda inevitable). Quick! Someone widen the pearly gates, 'cause The ol' Lex Express might be rollin' on in any day now....
James Walker: Luger, Luger, LUGER. If being roided & soma’ed to the moon wasn’t enough, the death of his wife under his watch mustn’t have done anything for his mental health. It’s surprising he hasn’t pulled a Von Erich (i.e. a trigger) on us yet. However, it’s even more surprising that Savage hasn’t written a spiteful rap about him. Anyways, I expect Lex to drop any day for the eternal three count. (Which is, of course, Shane Helms, Shannon Moore, and Evan Karagian hip-hopping about to synthesized beatz yall in the 7th circle of hell.)
Justin Shapiro: Well, I’m not much for speculating, let alone fucking speculating, about how much longer until someone in the pro wrestling industry is going to expire. However, if I had to, or could, will one of the names on this list into dying, it would probably be Mae Young, because a) she’s well old, and b) she wouldn’t be in any more painfully unfunny skits on Raw. Second choice would be Jake Roberts, just because what a dick.
Doctor Gonzo: Every year I choose the walking contradiction, Mae Young, but this year, I think I’ll have to choose Lex Luger. So in the past few years he’s outlived Curt Hennig, Davey Boy Smith, Eddie Guerrero and Elizabeth, but really, I think Lex may just be responsible for their deaths. Seriously, look how obsessed he is with killing Superman. It’s a good thing the police are going after him, but call in CSI to check out the other deaths as well. I smell a crossover.
Remy: Curt Hennig. The way this guy does Soma, it’s a wonder he didn’t kick it TWO years ago!
Michael Melchor: Lex Luger easily takes this one. Still on steroids...and now arrested for DUI and (surprise!) possession charges! I can understand Sting wanted to give him a chance in TNA a couple years back to try and help the guy straighten up, but you can only help someone if they WANT it. Luger obviously doesn’t – and probably won’t even after he ODs on those damned pills.
Canadian Bacon: Prolly that Reverend Billy Graham. He may shine the light of the jesus into people's hearts with his traveling ministry, but he’s gotta be getting up there. I means just look at him. Its hard to believe that he once pinned Bruno Sammartino for the Wworld Wide Wrestling Federation World Heavyweight Championship of the WorlD! (Although, I suspect that he whispered into Bruno’s ear the secret to bigtime eternal salvation then rolled him up with an assist from the holy spirit and such while he was all stunned with that precious soul saving information! IT’S BRILLIANT!!! )
My 2nd runner up is Dynamite Kid. To get a nickname like that he’s got to play around with explosives a lot. Not smart. (he’s already in a wheel chair and he still fiddles about with TNT, risking being blown up or killed even? Ridicacoulous!)
Cameron Burge: Mae Young’s still alive? I thought she had long since converted to the Living Dead. I guess I need to give this category to a three way tie between Jake Roberts, Scott Hall, and Lex Luger who seem to be in a neck and neck race to the finish line. Lex is pulling ahead, but I hear Scott Hall is pulling in from behind and may be a last minute winner. I look at it like the old Hope or Pope betting pool (Bob Hope "won." Take that, Augustine, you dead old fart!).
Renee: It’s Mae Young for me. For the life of me I can’t see why the old bitch is still kickin’. I mean I wish death on no one but shit she’s old!!
Richard Waters: Last year for the false finish of the year I voted Mae Young. This year I got a personal look at Jake Roberts. He appeared on WWE TV to build Taker/Orton and man did he look awful. That and his voice was cracklier then Bob Orton's. Good GAWD was he shitty. I'll be surprised if he's a candidate for next year...
Joe Merrick: I have to go with Mae Young here. I swear to God, no matter what is happening on RAW, no matter what the angle is, they ALWAYS find a way to bring her back so she can be a part of it. Just goes to show that there really ARE too much preservatives in food today, because that’s the only reason I can come up with why a woman who’s face is melting and resembles Freddy Kruger AND takes bumps is STILL ALIVE.
Witzdude: Fabulous Moolah wins this one, no contest. To quote Greg Giraldo, this chick has sand in her vagina even when she isn’t at the beach. She probably babysat Bobby Heenan, for fuck’s sake. Honorable mention goes to Luger, for getting caught with drugs and not overdosing, YET AGAIN.
2)YER FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Best instance of a company giving some fuck-up his walking papers.
the nominees: Mark Jindrak, Matt Morgan, Kenzo Suzuki, Rhino, The 2004 WWE Diva Search cling-ons, Maven, The Hebners;
Sean Carless: Although poor pregnant Dawn Marie probably was axed the worst (marking the first time someone has aborted the mother), my ultimate pick is Mark Jindrak. After years of having no discernable charisma whatsoever, and despite multiple attempts to get his ass over, WWE finally threw in the towel and told the guy to take a (incredible vertical) leap. About fucking time.
James Walker: You know, none of those nominees can compare to the Brothers Hebner. I mean, being Canadian, I’ll always hold a grudge against Earl; but the day that I heard he was canned, I think our whole country shared an inner ‘haw haw haw’. Of all the firings this year, the Hebners got canned for the most legit reason – they were ripping the WWE off. Incase you’re not a dirtsheet extraordinaire like I, the Hebners were stealing WWE merch, and selling it in their sports paraphernalia shop back home. WWE caught wind of this, and the guys were gone faster than Booker T at a Wendy’s. The only thing that makes me sad about this is the fact that ‘YOU SCREWED BRET AND GOT WHAT YOU DESERVED’ isn’t that good of a chant. Pity.
Justin Shapiro: I dunno, who had less business getting signed in the first place, Kenzo Suzuki or Joy Giovanni? I suppose Joy was as qualified as everyone else they brought in like her, and I can’t say the same about Kenzo. Plus she had some babies. The winning fuck-up is Kenzo Suzuki.
Doctor Gonzo: Wow, what a great list to choose from. It’s pretty funny that they are now cutting ties with all those worthless contestants that they used, and who they signed even when they lost the contests too. Maven, gone. Puder, gone. Jackie Gayda, gone. Christy Hemme, gone. There are some others that I can’t remember right now. In the end though, I would really have to go with Mark Jindrak. After his WWCW tag partner was cut unjustly years ago, Jindrak managed to Billy Gunn his way onto staying on the roster for a while, despite having no talent and no charisma and blowing it numerous times. Kenzo is ranked right up there, but I liked his gimmick.
Remy: Matt Morgan. He got a one-way ticket on the Hossville train down the line of unemployment to the station of MISERY. There he will get in the taxicab of depression, ride down the streets of sadness, and get off at the hotel of MISERY. Wait … I used that one already …
Michael Melchor: I love it. The Diva Search and Tough Enough were hyped to hell and shoved down our throats to the point where we couldn’t stand it. And see what happens? Maybe WWE has learned that reality TV isn’t the best place to find your next star, as virtually NO ONE from either abominable program/segment series is left to tell the tale of excrement-infested gym bags and ridiculous demands. Good riddance (except for Christy, who was at least trying to learn her craft and who’s dedication could have been good for the company as a whole).
Canadian Bacon: Prolly that Christopher Fred guy from this very website last year. Because of that I never got to find out who won that dangerous scrambled egg cage match in Ring of Honor. Sad.
Cameron Burge: Rather than give my pick to the last remnant of Tough Enough, Maven, I’ll give it to his eyebrows which seemed to precede him out of the company. Maven’s eyebrows were basically the facial hair equivalent of the Hope Diamond, and their loss was a tragic one. My only question is, "Where was the flashy music video tribute then?"
Renee: MMMMatt Morgan for me on this one. The stuttering shit just made it ten times worse. He had no in ring skill, no mic skill and a bad dye job. Fuck him!
Richard Waters: Matt Morgan was a great instance of firing. I mean he was getting over with his gimmick and even held a solid victory with Carlito. But like Tyson Tomko, once his mic man left... he was left for dry. Tell me... why did Morgan leave but Tomko stays?!?
Joe Merrick: Christopher Fre-…Jindrak. Yes, Christopher Frejindrak. That piece of shit.
Witzdude: Give it up for Mark Jindrak everybody. This guy had nothing going for him, despite the fact that being Randy Orton’s butt buddy got him push after push after push. This guy never displayed even a modicum of talent in the ring or on the mic. Yeah, he can dropkick really high! Now if only he’d try it off the top floor of the Sears Tower. Then I’d pay to see him wrestle.
3)POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR. Backstage maneuvering should be rewarded in year-end awards, just like it's rewarded in real life.
the nominees: Ric Flair, HHH, Jeff Jarrett, Stephanie McMahon, Steve Austin, Hulk Hogan, HBK, Undertaker, Joey Styles, Kevin Nash, Dusty Rhodes;
Sean Carless: Stephanie McMahon. I've mentioned many times that I consider Stephanie the "Fredo Corleone" of the McMahon family. That being, one that is born into a powerful family, and is thrust into the family business despite possessing no apparent talents whatsoever. (I'm that person in my family). And all just because of their last name. This is the same exact scenario with Steph. For four years she's been writing consistently horrible TV, in addition to bullying infinitely more talented people like Paul Heyman right out of creative; and at the end of the day, wrestlers, agents and other writers fall by the wayside, but nothing EVER happens to Stephanie, despite the fact she's a complete and utter failure in her current role. And sadly, unlike Michael with Fredo, we'll never get to see Shane send Big Steph out in a fishing boat to say her final Hail Mary's.
James Walker: For the first time not involving a pie eating contest, Dusty Rhodes wins the race. His TNA ordeal was more than enough – Phi Delta Slam, Lockdown, Dustin Runnels, Chestacular women drooling over him, and basically damaging any credibility the company had built. However, to go from TNA to WWE (which is a feat in itself), where he’s not only a member of creative (which is a joke in itself), and is heavily rumoured to be the next GM of Raw… it makes you wonder what kind of ‘bidness’ he got down to… his knees, p’haps? (Ohh, gay jokes, how I love thee.)
Justin Shapiro: Rhodes holding booking jobs in both companies despite being Dusty Rhodes gets him the win.
Doctor Gonzo: This has to be Hulk Hogan. Who else can leave and return to a company at his leisure at the same time talking however he wants to whoever he wants with no repercussions? Hogan has a special bond with Vince now, and I’m pretty sure he’s about to get promoted to Chief Steroid Investigator for Vince’s new anti-roid policy.
Remy: Hogan! He must have gone straight to GOD to get over Jesus’ boy, HBK. This game of one upping the other has taken its gruesome toll in the wrestling industry. Can’t God just chill and let Jesus live his own life? God just doesn’t understand his teenage angst! Go listen to Linken Park, Jesus, that will show him.
Michael Melchor: The winner is...Jeff “Can you fucking believe that, despite fans chanting ‘BORING!’ at every appearance I make – and might I add that I am the ONLY wrestler EVER to receive the rare and coveted “Drop the title!’ chant – that, because of us being on Spite TV that I am STILL considered the top guy and that, since my family runs the place, that I probably will be until someone genius in Orlando stabs me walking out of Universal Soundstage 21, thus being the ONLY way I’ll lose the NWA World Title for any length of time” Jarrett. And yes, I do believe that he has legally changed his middle name to everything that was in quotes.
Canadian Bacon: Easy! That slippery Sean Carless with his faggoty mop of hair and angelic singing voice. And all because he robbed the Baconman of his prestigious Writer of the year award last year! I think I hate him. Especially the way he walks around like he owns this place.
Cameron Burge: George W. Bush....Oh wait, I have to pick a wrestler? I don’t think anyone is more politically savvy than Hulk Hogan who still after all these years managed to avoid jobbing to Shawn Michaels in order to "remain strong" for Wrestlemania all the while Austin had to lose to The Coach (and there was a rumor that it would be a clean loss). Hell, he even politically manipulated his daughter’s "career" (can we call it that?) into garnering more television time for himself. I’m even willing to bet he plotted that whole Rooster Incident. He and the bird were working us all.
Renee: Honestly I pick Hogan because I can’t believe his old ass finagled another run to push is stupid show on VH1. I take nothing away from Hogan for what he’s done for wrestling but he’s only in it now for the big pay offs, and the fact that he convince Vince to go along with it fucken blew chunks! I just don’t like him.
Richard Waters: I learned a lot about politics in the past few years, but even Stephanie out manuevers her hubby HHH. I mean look at what she's done. She put Michelle on the ropes because of her southern accent. Stephanie McMahon is telling someone they have a bad voice. HER VOICE~! Also not to mention she fired Christy because she was getting chummy with HHH. I think they added the wrong H there. Get it... cummy? Okay it's pathetic.
Joe Merrick: As much as I am tempted to pick HHH, at least he’s not been up to his old tricks recently, and stayed out of the title picture (although we’ll see how long this lasts).
So therefore I have to go with the one person that HHH can’t ‘get over’ (especially in bed), Stephanie McMahon. No one in their right mind would let her back on TV again, considering no-one likes her, her voice is now deeper than HHH’s, and that Linda actually has a younger looking face.
The only people who wanted to see her back were the idiot girls who think she’s a hero to all independent women everywhere. You know, those same girls who use daddy’s credit card to buy shitty clothes and Usher albums.
Witzdude: Being the resident TNA guy here, I just have to pick Jarrett. The guy gets the title back in a non-televised match in Canada, thereby killing Raven’s heat and insuring that he won’t be taken seriously in the main event again, just so he can prove that I REALLY AM A MAIN EVENTER GUYS….REALLY! Flashforward 1month later, Kevin Nash stubs his toe in the shower and calls in sick the night before a PPV, so they haphazardly book Rhino to win the title. What could have been the stepping stone for greatness to Rhino’s career ended up being the death of it. Jarrett beat Rhino on Impact 2 DAYS LATER, thereby killing another main event contender and leaving him dead in the water. Rhino would have been better off not winning the belt at all, because losing to Jarrett like that made him look like a total chump and his “title reign” a fluke. In closing, fuck Jarrett.
4)STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE: (wrestler who's gained the most weight)
the nominees: HHH, Vader, Piper, Bob Orton, Animal, Blue Meanie,
Sean Carless: It was close, but I ultimately decided against Vader (who's starting to resemble the name of his own hometown in the bulbous, rolling fashion we've seen him in his last two appearances) was already morbidly obese to start with. I mean, what's another 100 pounds when you already weight 400? So, by virtue of this, Animal wins by a (mohawk) hair. He dines on death- and apparently everything else he can get his hands on. Animal was my clear-cut choice this year because at one time the guy was a rock; and now, well, he really has transformed into an animal- that being one that bulks up for the winter apparently.
Anyway, my guess is that Animal only hooked up with Heidenreich this year to hopefully get his hands that giant Hershey bar. I could be wrong though.
James Walker: It’s time… It’s Vader… It’s Supper Time! While all the nominees have been taking in the trans fat, none of them have gained enough weight to lose their balance on a ring apron. I really don’t think I need any more justification than that.
Justin Shapiro: Vader tripping over his own gravitational pull will make him an easy winner. To quote someone, “I believe Big Van Vader ate Super Porky, he ate Darth Vader, and he may have eaten a van.”
Doctor Gonzo: HHH is trying his best to look like the HHH of old, but failing miserably. But this award has to go to the Blue Meanie. He was svelte and trim and in great shape at the end of ECW, and then once he came back in WWE, looked like he ate all of ECW’s profits... and fans. For shame.
Remy: Trish Stratus. You know, bulimia is a sick disease, and should never be encouraged …except sometimes. What are you, 120 lbs now, Trish? Jesus, ELEPHANTS weigh less … well, baby elephants perhaps. What does a baby elephant weigh, anyway? No, seriously, I’m asking.
Michael Melchor: Leon, Leon, Leon...what the hell happened? Dude, you were, like, a killer back then. You destroyed Sting. You broke Joe Thurman’s back, for Chrissakes. Now you come out with Goldust and blow your WWE comeback the first night out by tripping and falling your fat ass out of the ring. Yep, Vader’s got my vote.
Canadian Bacon: Vader! Maybe they should change his name from " Big Van" Vader to "Large Sports Utility Vehicle" Vader!!? HAHAHAHA!!!!!11
Cameron Burge: It’s sad to notice that since the institution of the new drug policy several wrestlers seem to have magically "deflated." Lance "Garrison" Cade in particular was sporting tits so saggy, they made my Grandmother look like Jenna Jameson in his last appearance on Raw after the breakup of Cade & Murdoch. In a brief side note, Snitsky has apparently avoided the implanting of a flag on his back by famed astronaut Neil Armstrong and cleaned up his famed backne problem. On a suspiciously related note to THAT, his arms now resemble two small stick attached to a tree trunk.
Renee: I have to go with good old SOS again this year. Hunter has a way of just literally rounding out from time to time. Usually in the summer he’s at his leanest but I’ll be damned if homeboy didn’t pack on the extra for the winter this year. Maybe Steph likes ‘em thick! We know Hunter does!
Richard Waters: Ha ha I really can't vouch for Vader, Orton and Meanie. But man Animal must've been so into tag team wrestling that after Hawk died he took his mass inside so he could share their combined weight.
Joe Merrick: I know Vader was already a fat bastard, but holy shit I wasn’t expecting that. He was so hefty that even his own body couldn’t take the weight hence his ass going AWOL right onto the floor.
Witzdude: Where the hell is Tatanka on this list? Now I know why the buffalo are fucking endangered. Actually, I’m gonna give Animal the nod here. The guy looks like he is carrying 4 spare tires.
5)PUSH THAT MAN!......INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC: (for wrestler who is least deserving of a Push.)
the nominees: Sylvan, Lashley, Randy Orton, Carlito, Chris Masters, Boogeyman, Orlando Jordan, Edge, Viscera, Coach;
Sean Carless: Orlando Jordan. As WWE has dictated this year for at least Carlito and Jordan, the bigger your hair gets, the bigger the push you receive. If only Meng was still on WWE payroll; he'd be WWE Champion right now.
Anyway, I doubt you'll find anyone who'd argue that Jordan's U.S. title reign (and defeat of a then red-hot John Cena) was one of the most nonsensical booking moves ever. Only by Summer Slam did someone FINALLY realize the error of their ways and put an end to old pubic head's excruciating title reign. Still though, WWE tried to spin the positives of OJ, often referring to him as the "Best pure athlete in the WWE", which has always made me laugh. Calling him “the best athlete on SmackDown!” is of course carny for “He can run really fast, jump really high, and is good at a number of sports that you don’t give two fucks about; because to you, he’s as boring as shit and has no personality... but I SWEAR he really is a GREAT athlete…even if his wrestling conveys the complete opposite image….”
James Walker: For the first time in his life, Orlando Jordan deserves a win. While his push has slowed down (pity, it was going SO WELL.), we cannot excuse the fact that he is the only person to have pinned both WWE champion John Cena, and IWC Chris Benoit this year. Jordan may have gotten the most obscure push in recent memory – he’d rarely have a match on Smackdown or a PPV, and was never seen as a threat by anyone, but he still managed to squirm out with a win. Infact, he was a lot like the Honky Tonk Man – except, you know, not entertaining, over, or one of the best champions in history.
Justin Shapiro: Chris Masters can fuck off, seriously. He broke Stevie Richards’ nose. However, I do see him as a likely future WW champion at the New Year’s Resolution.
Doctor Gonzo: The thing with this question is that I kind of like Boogeyman, so his push is cool. Carlito is ok, but gets jobbed regularly. Chris Masters grew on me too. Sylvan isn’t really getting pushed. Randy gets pushed and usually jobbed in big matches. OJ, Coach and Viscera are jobbers, and Edge’s push isn’t all that offensive to me. That leaves Lashley. I know I kind of like this guy cause he’s powerful, but he has to be the most vanilla black dude I have ever seen. He has no charisma and just jumps in and does power moves and that’s it. The thing with Brock was that he did this power stuff and made it look effortless and tossed people around like nothing. Lashley is missing that certain something. He needs some sprinkles.
Remy: I would say Orlando Jordan, but he hasn’t really had as much of a push as some of the other undeserving recipients. I guess I’d have to go with Carlito. The guy is always involved in some big angle, and yet, he is blander than what vanilla calls vanilla! He does everything somewhat well, but nothing exceptional.
Michael Melchor: Carlito almost took my vote because he’s as bland in the ring as the Mulkey brothers used to be (let’s see how many kids get that reference). However, only one man goes above and beyond the call of duty by being a boring, useless piece of shit in AND out of the ring – and that man is Orlando Jordan. Take a bow, Buckwheat!
Canadian Bacon: No one deserves to be pushed. That’s just mean. What if they fell down and really hurt themselves? Still though, If I had to pick a person to push it would prolly be that murderer Orlando Jordan! Ron & Nicole, I’ll never forget!
Cameron Burge: Can we please give a big group shove to OJ? Unless he starts killing white women (and damn fast) I think his appeal factor is going to sink to the dreaded negative ranks. The US Title still hasn’t recovered since his win over Cena just before Wrestlemania.
Renee: OJ damnit! I really feel uncomfortable with his look and God forgive me, but his ugly is just too distracting to even try to judge him as a wrestler. Though I have managed to find a way to look at him through these special blue goggles designed to block any un-natural rays to the eyes. So I took a look at his skill and the ugly bastard needs to go!
Richard Waters: Orlando Jordan has to be the poorest excuse for a wrestler ever. He's not over, uninteresting, and just boring. Yet he had the longest US title reign in WWE history. Not that anyone noticed. Or cared. Or remembers.
Joe Merrick: Why is Boogeyman In there? That guy deserves to be Wrestling’s next mainstream star! He’d be pumphandle-slamming Conan O’Brien and shoving worms into Jay Leno’s mouth and don’t tell me that isn’t good TV.
Anyway, Pat Patterson obviously felt Sylvan needed a push if you catch my drift (teehee, buttsex) but I’m going to go with ol’ Daffy Duck Features. Not only is he boring but he’s the most hideous looking wrestler since Naked Mideon. When he came out at Summerslam to face Benoit he looked like a God damn Spider monkey with all that weird squatting he does and that UNHOLY hair on his head.
Witzdude: Why, oh why did they give Orlando Jordan a 5 ½ month title reign? On top of that, he got a CLEAN win over Chris Benoit at a PPV. I’d have a joke about this, but it makes me to God Damn angry.
6)LT. WORF COMMEMORATIVE "CLING-ON" AWARD: (for the wrestler who has stayed employed through all odds.)
the nominees: Tomko, Torrie Wilson, Snitsky, Matt Hardy (once rehired), Eugene, Heidenreich, Stevie Richards, The Bashams. Scotty 2 Hotty, Funaki;
Sean Carless: Tyson Tomko. Tomko is the WWE's ideal Problem Solver. You know, if your problem is having really good matches all the time. Still though, who'd have ever thought Tomko would still be here, while Christian would not?
James Walker: Tyson Tomko boots all the competition IN THEIR FACE. Let’s face it… the guy’s most memorable outing is the time he fought a drag queen Steven Richards in the worst match of 2004. I think it’s kinda funny – it’s as if management forget they have this generic hoss on payroll, and bring him back every few months from Heat duties for a quick 2 week push, only to let him fall back into obscurity. If you’re reading, Tyson… I got a problem you can solve for me. If a train is leaving Chicago at 4pm, moving 100 mph, and another train leaves Dallas at 5pm, moving at 90 mph, can you kindly fuck off?
Justin Shapiro: The answer is the great Steven Richards for the third year running. You can take the general manager out of Heat but you can’t take the heat out of the general manager.
Doctor Gonzo: The man, the myth, the legend, SNITSKY gets this award bar none. You would think, not only is he a worthless sack of shit, but his bacne alone would be worth the firing before they start demanding contracts also.
Remy: All of the above. Why the fuck would WWE keep any of these guys around?
Michael Melchor: It took a lot for me not to immediately nominate perennial favorite Scotty Go Potty, but Paul London really defied the odds by barging in on Vince McMahon, telling him (in a rather high volume) how his company should be run and booked, and still staying on the roster. You think McMahon cares that much of London were to go to TNA? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Canadian Bacon: Cling on award? Easy, prolly one of my favorites, Viscera. I definitely think he’d have the most cling-ons because he’s kinda fat and it’d prolly be pretty hard to wipe your bum.
Cameron Burge: I can’t BELIEVE Rosey kept his job after the Hurricane breakup/Heel turn, but what is even more amazing is that his oft forgotten partner, Jamal is back on the pay roll as well now. Will Three Minute Warning rise once again to their former greatness? (Which, for the record, consisted mostly of squishing women and old men under their immense guts.)
Renee: Tyson fucken Tomko. He’s a fucken waste of skin like I’ve said time and time again. I have no idea why on this wonderful earth of our we get cursed with suck a untalented piece of sub human matter! Completely worthless and needs to be lanced immediately.
Richard Waters: I have to wonder exactly why Scotty 2 Hotty has a job. He's a decent wrestler sure, but he's been doing the same stint since well... 1999. He shows up once every few months as stage 1 of the newest heel getting over process. Sadly it never works. Much like the W......... O......... R............. M~!
Joe Merrick: Well we all know that Funaki and Scotty are only still hired to fill up the numbers for Cruiserweight Battle Royals. I’m shocked at Tomko being in there really, I mean, I saw him at a show last year and he was SUPER over. The chants were deafening. I mean ok, they were chanting ‘TOMKO IS SHIT’ but still, heat is heat.
Witzdude: How the hell does Stevie Richards still have a job? I was going to pick Scotty, but at least he’s been on TV in the past 6 months. All Stevie has done in the past year is get his nose broken by Chris Masters. Seriously, I love Stevie, I think he’s a great worker, and I loved his GM run on Heat, but this guy is still fucking employed when he’s been sitting at home for the past year? Fuck, I gotta get a job with Vince.
7)I WOULDN'T KICK HER OFF MY FACE (Most fuckable woman in wrestling)
the nominees: Stacy Keibler, Trish Stratus, Molly, Victoria, Lita, Gail Kim, Traci Brooks, Maria, Torrie Wilson, Jackie Gayda, Mickie James, Stephanie McMahon's enormous fake breasts, Candice, (or feel free to write in your own winner)
Sean Carless: This is going to sound totally insane, but Lita (and not just for them titties). Hey, I know her pussy has seen more Mexican traffic than Cinco de Mayo, but still. There's just something about a woman who can execute a DDT, knows what Fishman really looks like, and isn't above being urinated on, that just does it for me. And the best part is when I sneak up on her wearing a mask, she'll just think I'm a luchador and put out. IT'S GENIUS.
James Walker: Maria. She may have not won the Diva Search, but she won my heart. Sporting a face that screams ‘Oh James, I want your man goop all over me’, the largest real breasts in WWE (excluding Dusty), the funniest character I’ve seen in ages (which oddly reminds me of Bacon), there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do to get with her lumps. Her lovely lady lumps.
Justin Shapiro: Well, I would have to assert that Trish and Maria find themselves ahead of the rest of the field, and of the two, I will vote for Trish because of the time she kicked Christy, broke her shoe in a shoot (or a shoe-t), and ad-libbed by saying “your head is so hard it broke mah shoe, girl.”
Doctor Gonzo: Mickie James, aka Alexis Laree, is the hottest girl in wrestling (keeping in mind I don’t know many of the chicks on the independent circuit). I was pissed that they made her get tit implants, but her body is just spectacular. She has the body of a volleyball player, and the face of goddess. I love her. I will marry her.
Remy: All of them except Lita. If she dated Matt Hardy, than I think it’s fair to say even I’m out of her league. But the rest, yes, oh yes. God, I’m so lonely.
Michael Melchor: Mickie James, for being one of three women that don’t look like a life-like Barbie doll (the others being Victoria and Maria, although she merely makes the cut). I so envied Trish Stratus on the last Raw of 2005 when Mickie planted one on her. Don’t tell my wife that, plzkthx.
Canadian Bacon: That blond one with the fake breasts.
Cameron Burge: Unlike her pallet-swapped Mortal Kombat equivalent, Melina not only possesses one of the finest bodies around, but her mouth ISN’T consistent of razor-sharp blades that would make a man live in horror of her ever going down on him for fear of it being the sexual equivalent of the Pit of Sarlac. Also her entrance is hot.
Renee: I’ll always love my V but I wasn’t joking in one of my recent columns…….I wanna fuck Candice Michelle! Nuff said!
Richard Waters: I'm quite insulted that Sean didn't add my new Diva wife to the mix. There is a certain SD! lady that has improved so much from her indy look that deserves mention. Her name is Jillian Hall. If you find old pictures of Jill... she was ugly. Almost hideous. Yet this blonde bombshell is quite fuckable. I'm almost unsure if they're the same person...
Joe Merrick: Maria, not only is she extremely fuckable but she seems the type who give you a blowjob, fuck you, do all manner of disturbing depraved shit with you, even get you to film it, then buy you some ice cream. Daww dontcha just wanna pinch her cheeks then ram your cock in her…[/Feinstein]
Witzdude: I’d probably pick almost any of the girls here, but my top 3 are Stacy (in her Super Stacy outfit……Jesus Christ….), heel Trish, and Melina. All 3 I’d wear like a finger puppet.
8)EVEN WE WOULDN'T HIT IT. (Who was the most unattractive woman of the year?)
the nominees: Whomever you wouldn't plow.
Sean Carless: Linda McMahon. The only way I'd hit that is with my car.
James Walker: Sharmell Sullivan. Some people don’t like chocolate, some people don’t like vanilla, and I don’t like Sharmell. Physically, she’s probably attractive, but I’m too busy hating her soul to recognize. The ‘PSSH WHATEVA’ personality will never do it for me, and the fact that I’m a white man, I doubt I’d meet her expectations. But that last part isn’t true. Definitely not. I’m HUGE. Yes. Yes.
Justin Shapiro: Candice Michelle is the most must-punchable.
Doctor Gonzo: This is a hard choice, but I think I would have to go with Lita simply because if she sat on my face it would probably disintegrate.
Remy: A woman … I wouldn’t have sex with?? I …uh … wow. Yeah, because ALL women want to have sex with me, so I have to choose which ones I don’t want … riiiiight.
Michael Melchor: Gail Kim, for sure. I don’t know what it is about that woman, but I get the impression that, to her, “Douche” is a central Asian region annexed by China back in the 50s. Wash your ass, woman. No WONDER Jarrett would prefer Jackie Gayda over you.
Canadian Bacon: Shannon Moore. She kinda looks like a dude to me sometimes. I’d prolly still hit it though.
Cameron Burge: What is it about Sharmell that makes men immediately want to shudder and take a cold shower? It’s like she had a door slammed into her face at a very young age and that’s how her features froze, perpetually locked in a state of being caved in upon themselves...like a neutron star. I find it hard to believe that not only does she portray Booker’s wife on television, but she actually is married to the poor guy. Can you imagine being forced to go home to that at the end of the day? Especially after you’ve already been forced to look at it while working all day.
Renee: Ha, now you people think I’m gonna say Lita dontcha!? Well I’m not, my choice is Torrie. He old tired ass should have been gone with Kidman over the summer. She has nothing to offer the WWE anymore not even as a model. She’s the only chick that actually is showing her age, excluding Moolah & Mae! Kick the tired bitch to the curb, cuz I know I wouldn’t hit that with even Bacon’s dick!
Richard Waters: Call me weird, but I find Torrie Wilson and to an extent Candice Michelle to be the most unattrative women on the roster. And yet Lita is still on the Raw squad. There is just something about them drives my boner so far inside that you could finger me.
Joe Merrick: I’m definitely going for Steph here. Sure she has the tits of a goddess but sooner or later that voice would come in and make you impotent quicker than an all-McDonalds diet. Second place goes to Nay for actually trying to insinuate that I love Steph. YOU LOST YOUR CHANCE.
Witzdude: Man, I am going to catch some shit for this one, but I have to pick Maria for this category. I don’t think she’s that annoying, but her face is just so grating to me. Seriously, she’s ugly WITH make-up on, and I’ve seen what chicks like that look like when it comes off in the morning. Don’t get me wrong, she’s got a fucking dynamite body, but her face is just putrid. She kinda reminds me of a girl I’d think was a 10 at the bar when I am drunk, but then regret it the next morning when she is passed out on my pillow. Let me put it this way, when I have gotten with hotter girls than the Diva, she’s pretty ugly.
9)THE DARSOW AWARD (For Wrestler who's persevered through a TERRIBLE gimmick)
the nominees: Chavo Guerrero, Simon Dean, Emo Kane, Heidenreich, Daivari, Eugene, Monty Brown, Lance Cade, Boogeyman;
Sean Carless: Emo Kane. "I'm trapped in a glass casket of emotion!" It was a sad scene this year seeing the once mighty Kane cry over the loss of his marriage to Lita (and if kidnap, battery & rape are not the foundation in which a succesful marriage is built, clearly there's no hope for any of us!). Even sadder was seeing the Big Red Machine trade in his pyro and unspeakable evil acts for the sad bewildered life of a blubbering, fat 14 year old Linkin Park fan. The sad part is we couldn't even see a sketch with him eating Häagen-Dazs straight from the container to soothe his battered emotions, because his pyro-inducing finger tips keep melting the Ice cream. Too bad.
James Walker: Lance Cade, ALL THE WAY. Because being southern is the worst gimmick ever, right Austin? And he TOTALLY persevered, what by having one of the shortest Tag Title reigns in recent memory and getting pushed aside in favor of a chubby man who apparently likes to make pigs squeal. Yes sir, Lance Cade is a real winner in life.
Justin Shapiro: No, my friend, I believe the answer is Jillian Hall, who has been sentenced to a life of having to wear a band-aid on her cheek in airports.
Doctor Gonzo: The obvious answer here is Emo Kane since a bad push really NEVER kills the guy’s heat (HHH came REALLY close). Daivari can be chosen but has his gimmick really changed? He’s still an obnoxious guy who speaks in “that damn towel head” language to annoy the world. So I guess I would have to go with Emo Kane, as he is now bad ass Kane and can just continue to job, but with a scowl on his face this time.
Remy: Boogeyman. I thought this was stupid as hell when I first heard of it, but damn, I love this guy now. Only time will tell, however, how long a shelf life he has.
Michael Melchor: Marty Wright as The Boogeyman. I thought that the best way for wrestlers to get over was by “being themselves”. I don’t know any dude that paints his face red and eats worms as part of his everyday existence (outside of the members of the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow). What rube thought that bringing back 1990 would be a good idea? Or is this their way of punishing him for lying about his age to get into the last Tough Enough competition? Either way, PLEASE send that man away and bring him back with something manageable.
Canadian Bacon: Definitely Elmo Kane. Why would anyone think it’d be a good idea to pretend he was a muppet character? The guy’s too big to fit into that red furry costume anyway. Silly. Sill though, I’d prolly start watching Sesame Street again if Elmo started lighting people on fire. (Start with Gordon. He rubs me the wrong way.)
Cameron Burge: I feel for poor Chavo who stuck it through with the Kerwin White gimmick, making himself and those around him look like total asses in the process. With the passing of Eddie, he did however finally have that burden lifted from him (and I guess that puts the man who was his "Caddie" out of a job as well?).
Renee: Eugene is my pick for this one. It was pointless when he first came on the scene and is just as useless now, how many years later?
Richard Waters: Chavo Guerrero had probably one of the poorest gimmick in recent memory. Kerwin White as a white power type of guy who enjoyed going to the country club and golfing because... middle class does it? Heh, yet the death of his uncle got him over. Take notice Masters.
Joe Merrick: Yet again Kane proves to be the arch nemesis of the Creative team. Whether you love him or you hate him, he is always getting pops. It’s almost as if they’re trying to fuck him up just so they can say in years to come ‘Yeah we were THAT creative team that managed to fuck up a guy who’s always over’. Way to aim high, dicks.
Witzdude: I have to give it up for Chavo here. Kerwin White was one of my guilty pleasures on Raw. Obviously it had to go once Eddie passed, but it was still a funny angle in my eyes and I wish they would have done more with it. I also wished they would have had Shelton try to ambush Kerwin at a country club, but have Shelton get kicked out, because it’s a “restricted” club, but that is because I am a bastard with a sick sense of humor.
10)THERE IS A GOD! For the moment when Lady Luck gave us a lapdance. (award for unforeseen blessing in wrestling)
the nominees: Joey Styles on RAW, ECW PPV delivers; Nash bows out of TNA; Christian debuts as a main-eventer in TNA; MSG fans turn on Lita thus forcing Matt's return; Bret reconciles with Vince thus giving us the best DVD ever; Austin walks, thus in essence derailing the impending McMahon family return to TV;
Sean Carless: The ECW PPV. I expected the worst but ended up having all my expectations blown away and more. One Night Stand completely delivered. Unfortunately though, much like a real "one night stand" it ended that night, and you were just back exclusively being with your fat, boring wife the "WWE" by the next morning.
James Walker: Styles on Raw. It was the only way the WWE could pleased all the complainers, and saved face. The JR situation was a wreck, but hey, the end justifies the means. The fact is, Styles came back from obscurity after holding out for more money form the WWE for so long, and in the end, got what he deserved. Plus, his addition has seemed to light a fire underneath the ass of Cole & Tazz, who are quickly becoming the funniest duo the WWE has. (Don’t believe me? Check out the episode of Byte This that they filled in for... more shooting going on there than a bad Brian Pillman angle) Personally, Styles has given me a huge reason to care about Raw again, and there aren’t many other things that can do that.
Justin Shapiro: Probably booking Michaels vs. Angle at Wrestlemania 21 instead of Undertaker vs. Angle. Yay work-rate. Also good was UPN telling Muhammad Hassan to fuck off in what I like to think was a case solved by Veronica Mars.
Doctor Gonzo: This is an easy 3 way tie (haven’t had one of those since last night!) between Christian debuting as a main eventer (I love the guy and have for years), the Bret Hart DVD (it really is good) and Joey Styles on RAW. Even though Styles is a shell of his former self (looks like he has to do commentary WWE main event style), but he still adds legitimacy to the mic.
Remy: Everything except the return of Hardy. Everything else has been absolutely fantastic though, and it’s hard to say which is better. However, the ECW PPV was the most surprising, so it takes the cake. Best PPV, easily, of the year.
Michael Melchor: There was only one way to save the demotion of Jim Ross from being a dipshit move – and that was to install Joey Styles as his replacement. Despite how clichéd he’s become, Ross was still the best announcer they had, and putting Mike Goldberg in that slot would have been a disaster. A better choice than Styles could not have been found, and it’s amazing how enjoyable Raw can be with the right announcer at the helm. Now if they could only get Coach out of the announce booth and into a managing position...
Canadian Bacon: MSG fans? What does the chemical in Chinese food have to do with anything? Silly.
Still, my pick is Kevin Nash who pulled out of TNA. But maybe it was for the best. Now those Z-Division guys can go out there now and wrestle without worrying about having to follow Diesel’s show stopping performances. That’s gotta be some bigtime pressure right there.
Cameron Burge: I have to go with one of my own here and say Eric Bischoff’s firing. Credit to the man for doing his job so well, but he was beginning to bore the shit out of me, and frankly, I hate trying to clean that off of my chair every time I watch Raw.....What?
Renee: Christian goes to TNA. I could sum it up by simply saying, Christian has made me watch TNA. The WWE doesn’t realize what they really lost in him and I wish him all the luck in the world.
Richard Waters: One of the saddest things this year to me was not Eddie's death, but Christian leaving. It made it even sadder that he showed up for TT and didn't get voted in. That to me might tell me the fans don't care. Then he gives a sad Jericho-esque not coming back interview. Two weeks later he shows up on TNA and is in the main event. *cums* Thank you!!!
Joe Merrick: Quite a strong line-up here. The MSG turning on Lita thing though…how was Matt’s return a good thing? He came back and has proved to be the single biggest PUSSY outside of Lita herself. The vote has to go to the ECW PPV though. Other than Wrestlemania, it was the only PPV I gave a shit about, and damn did it deliver. The thing that made me love it even more was the fact that we were all expecting WWE to absolutely ruin it, and although they made it a bit boring with the Crusaders. It was still by far the most watchable thing this year.
Witzdude: This is a tough choice for me, but I’m probably going to go with the Bret DVD coming out. It was nice to see the Hitman giving his side of the story instead of Vince just focusing on 20 seconds of his career and stretching it out for a 3 hour DVD. Honorable mention goes to the MSG fans showing both Vince and Lita that internet geeks can affect wrestling and provide some damn funny and awkward moments while doing it.
11)BURIED ALIVE. Most frustrating burial of the year.
the nominees: Christian, Benoit, Hassan, Jericho, Shelton Benjamin, Tajiri, The Cruiserweight Division, The Bashams,
Sean Carless: Shelton Benjamin; he just hasn't been the same since Vince reminded him he was an African American last year.
James Walker: Hassan. It’s odd that I’m saying this, as he’s the least technically sound of all the nominees, but let’s face it… he WAS the #1 heel in the company for a few months. What began as cheap heat quickly stemmed into legit heat, and it’s a shame that finally as his character was getting some depth, they pulled the plug on him. Hassan’s last promo, which was cut from Smackdown and only shown on WWE.com, I feel is THE BEST promo I’ve ever seen. Then again, what do I know, I eat paste. Either way, the dude was over, and could have been a huge asset to the WWE if they hadn’t turned into blubbering vaginas.
Justin Shapiro: Matt Hardy wins, and could conceivably be nominated thrice: first when he was fired, second when he was booked in his big return feud to get pummeled by Edge, and third after the move to Smackdown and his disrespecting the Undertaker’s undying ego.
Doctor Gonzo: Christian was the only wrestler who really pissed me off when he was being squashed and now that he is a main eventer, then that is cool. Now it has to be Shelton Benjamin who is being destroyed. He was coming off a BRILLIANT ladder match where he stole the show, and was on the verge of superstar status and that is when he was flushed down the toilet like a turd, and the fall continues.
Remy: At the time, it was definitely Hassan. Few things in wrestling actually piss me off, but this sure as hell did. He had the best gimmick going since Kurt Angle. It is unfortunate that we will never know what might have been. With WWE needing new stars so desperately though, getting rid of this guy was absolutely retarded.
Michael Melchor: Shelton Benjamin, by a fucking landslide. You talk about a guy that could become one of their biggest stars by just letting him be himself. He wrestles like Shawn Michaels did back then and can talk with the best of them. Instead, we get to look forward to seeing his “Momma” in a move that’s only going to make him look ridiculous and torpedo any chance he has of reaching that plateau. Yay.
Canadian Bacon: Most frustrating burial of the year? Easily my Grandpa’s funeral. I dropped my John Cena foam knux into the open casket during the service, and before I could retrieve them they shut the lid and brought him to the graveyard and buried him. Man. I wanted to dig him up ‘cause those knux added a new layer to my already impressive Saskatchewan street cred but my stupid family got all freaked out. Man. That’s the last time I ever go to my grandfather’s funeral that’s for sure.
Cameron Burge: Christian! A Thousand times, CHRISTIAN. I can’t BELIEVE how horribly booked he was. The fans were popping for him like no one’s business and he was the natural second in line from JBL at Batista after the draft seeing as how he and JBL were last in the elimination match. Instead, he ends up jobbing to Booker T about fifty times and walks out just before Taboo Tuesday which he showed up for, only to not work. Lucky for him, he’s now hanging in the top tier of TNA and put one over on WWE’s copyright shenanigans.
Renee: Definitely Hassan on this one. If you read my column on this subject about UPN and Hassan you know that that shit really steamed my broccoli. But is a perfect example of what the WWE is all about, looking out for themselves. Don’t get me started again damnit!!
Richard Waters: I would dip into Christian's burial, but was he ever given a push? I hated Benoit going to SD!. On Raw he was at least seen as a main eventer for the title and stuff. On SD! he dropped down to jobbing to OJ. Fucking OJ. Not only that but he lost the same way everytime. 1 second from a tap out of pin and he chases a heel on the ramp? Some ring general.
Joe Merrick: Again, another strong category. Well, except for the Bashams, who I honestly couldn’t care less about. I think this should go to Christian, because finally, FINALLY, things were looking promising for him. It took him and Jericho to carry Cena to a passable match, and he put on a good show against Batista, only to get overshadowed by HHH’s huge ego. He was then lost in the shuffle, finally jobbing in his last ever WWE match. Awesome job at utilising your top talent, Vince.
Witzdude: I so thought Eddie was going to be up for this one, but thank God we aren’t that tasteless. Shelton gets it, without a doubt. At least Benoit and Jericho have had main-event matches and title runs, and at least Christian is now main-eventing in TNA. There is absolutely NO reason while Shelton should not be in the main-event right now, but he is jobbing match after match in order to make room up top for such ring masters as Chris Masters and Carlito. And now to push him they are looking for a black woman in her 50’s to play Shelton’s mama. Look, Aunt Jemima isn’t going to get him over, putting him in the ring and having him wrestle a great match will.
12)SO GREEN, HE/SHE'S BROWN. (get out of the ring before you hurt someone...unless it's yourself, then it's OK)
the nominees: Ashley, Tomko, Boogeyman, Sonny Siaki, Chris Masters,
Sean Carless: Sonny Siaki. I'd give it to Tomko here, but his wrestling only makes you wish you were dead; Siaki's actually gets the job done.
James Walker: Ok folks, I have an assignment for you all. Look at the nominees, and tell me… have they ever killed a man due to their inability to land a dropkick? If anyone answers YES, then that’s the winner.
Justin Shapiro: Ashley had herself some adventures, but considering she and Declan McMahon had equal training at the time she worked her first match, I don’t know what they were expecting.
Doctor Gonzo: Chris Masters still can’t wrestle a good match, but has been carried to some. I have to say I have NEVER seen Sonny Siaki wrestle a good match EVER. He only looked good in one match where he was beating up the X-Division jobbers, and that’s it. I think I’ll have to go with Siaki, who does the most blatant, yet worst Rock impression ever.
Remy: Have to nominate half of the TNA roster for this one. I like high spots and all of that, but Jesus, it’s amazing some of these guys aren’t dead or paralysed. Not a good way to build a solid future for your wrestling promotion. I think ECW proved it just will not work.
Michael Melchor: Sonny Siucki, easily. You’d think that injuring Candido and causing his death would have been enough to convince the guy he needs to find another line of work, but NNOOOO....
Canadian Bacon: Chris Masters and his Masterlock! (I put one of those on my bike once but it still got stoled. Awful.). Man, I wish that Daniel Puder was still around. He was a master LOCKSMITH, (he knew the keylock, remember?) so logically this obviously means he’d be able to unlock the Masterlock no problem! It’s just science, really.
Cameron Burge: I’m sad to say, we need to go with Chris Masters here. He has a pretty decent gimmick even if his Masterlock is nothing more than a (MASTER)Full Nelson. his downfall lies in the fact that he often seems to have absolutely no idea what he’s doing and hurts people. He couldn’t even take a fucking STF right from John Cena for crying out loud. And now he gets to ruin the Main Event at the PPV that now seems to be trying to rival Taboo Tuesday for Shittiest Matches of the Year.
Renee: I pick rock n roll dive Ashley for this one. Poor girl, you would think having come from a wrestling background she’d be a bit more efficient in the ring, guess not.
Richard Waters: Quite possibly the worst match this year involved Ashley. I think she'd have exposed the business had it not been already. I thought people bounced off the ropes normally. She proved me wrong. She's got nice taa taas though, so it's fine. Right penis?
Joe Merrick: Masters and Boogeyman are at least entertaining to me (Mildly in Masters’ case) and Ashley of course has the fuckable factor. I don’t watch TNA much so I can’t comment on Sonny, so this leaves me, again, with the man of a thousand holds (all of which end with him on his ass).
Witzdude: I’ll give the nod to Tomko too, if only because he fucks up every other move he does. This guy is the essence of clown shoes. Honorable mention to Siaki though. Most guys go through life without permanently injuring one wrestler, but Siaki has done it twice! Way to raise the bar man!
13)THE OWEN HART MEMORIAL WORST "HOOK-UP" AWARD (For worst Wrestling Couple, Real or Scripted)
the nominees: Lita/Edge; Kane & Lita; Torrie & small dog; Dusty Rhodes, Trinty & Traci in TNA; Stacy & Randy Orton on RAW; Steph/HHH; Jeff Jarrett & Gail Kim;
Sean Carless: Jeff Jarrett & Gail Kim. Hell, might as well throw in Jackie Gayda into the mix too, since that's the way Jarrett seems to be booking it. But come on. There's no way a guy could wear a shirt that looks like it was last seen rubbing up against an oily guy named Bruce at "Cowboys drink free night" at the Lazy Penis, and still snag two pieces of trim like that. Not even in the make believe world where he pretends he's a main-eventer.
James Walker: Nothing on Raw made me vomit more than Randy and Stacy’s brief fling. While neither contributor is a stellar actor, they had about as much chemistry as a knitting class. The only thing more wooden than their performances was.. well, I was going to say my penis after looking at Stacy, but even this angle made her lose some hotness, somehow. If this angle was any sign of Stacy’s acting abilities, I don’t think the WWE has to fear from losing her to Hollywood.
Justin Shapiro: Seanathon claims that including this in this category was a typo, but it is my supposition that the X repeatedly falling off the wire in Ultimate X at Turning Point is, in fact, the epitome of the Worst Hook-Up award.
Doctor Gonzo: I think it would have to be Lita and “Entire locker room”; but Lita’s hook ups were by far the most disturbing because she must be the only girl ever to be raped and laid with demon seed and STILL be the BAD PERSON.
Remy: Stacy and Orton. What exactly did this build up to? Typical WWE with their short sighted storylines with no f’n continuity.
Michael Melchor: I realize there should be only one winner, but anything involving Lita takes the biscuit here. From the worst soap opera of 2004 to a “real life” story that Vince used as an opportunity to get the “SmarKs” all excited and then shit in their faces when the angle played out to nothing and resulted in Matt Hardy being buried,
Canadian Bacon: Lita, Edge and his money in the bank! If you believe those dirty rumors about Lita, Edge has prolly had to dig into that money to pay for expensive creams and ointments to treat his sore peter. Too bad.
Cameron Burge: Lita/Edge, though a rumor I heard is that they broke up in Real Life. The thing here is, they were only interesting when they had Matt Hardy’s heat behind them (though I’m sure management misconstrued this as Edge’s heat, thus justifying the crushing of Matt Hardy countless times over). Now, in their "The Cutting Edge" segments, they manage to set new records for the most wooden promos in history all the while beating up guys who are about twice Edge’s age.
Renee: Stacey & Orton get my vote on this one. It was beyond pointless and totally stupid the way it so abruptly ended. Poor Stacey deserved better.
Richard Waters: I have trouble buying Lita and Edge as a couple. Lita is such a terrible actress that she seems so scripted and unreal in her promos. The thing... supposedly her and Edge are boning each other in the reals. So, yeah...
Joe Merrick: Kane and Lita. Like I said earlier, this was just another example of a nail in the coffin of Kane’s career. You might argue that monsters don’t make for good storytelling, but neither do faggoty-ass computer nerds, which is what this angle lead to (in some bizarre way).
Witzdude: Lita/Edge. Bad Acting Sense……tingling! Gah, if these kids are so desperate to “shoot”, do me a fucking favor and shoot each other and rid the world of your bad promos…..and Lita’s herpes.
14)THE SHOCKY. Best blooper of the year, (named in honor of Shockmaster, of course).
the nominees: Vader falls on his ass; Ashley's "debut match"; Vince blows both quads at Royal Rumble; Lita & Eugene both blowing out their knees in successive matches at NYR; Diva Search whore "Summer"(?) falls on her ass after high kick; "X" repeatedly falls off the wire in Ultimate X match at Turning Point;
Sean Carless: Vince blows both quads. Although, if you read that fast it sounds like he sexually abuses crippled people. No wonder he keeps Droz around! All kidding aside, nothing will ever strike me as hilarious as seeing Billionaire businessman Vince McMahon barking out orders while sitting upright on the mat like he just shit himself. Even more hilarious was the fact that after tearing the one quad, he tried to walk out on his own power and blew out the other one. At that moment, I pictured Bret Hart cackling evilly as he pulled the final pin out of his Vince voodoo doll. All in a day's work.
James Walker: What’s the only thing funnier than a CERTIFIED BILLIONAIRE~! trying to look angry while sitting on a wrestling mat like he’s shit his pants after blowing his quad while awkwardly sliding into a ring? This same man blowing out his OTHER quad because he’s too stubborn to get any help going to the locker room. It’s sad that this event is the most memorable experience from the 2005 Royal Rumble; it’s as if Vince was agreeing with us. “I know it looks like shit, but it really just blows a lot.”
Justin Shapiro: Vader was extraordinary, don’t get me wrong, but Vince’s was far more painful and he was far more deserving of embarrassment – as well as serious bodily harm. Also, Vince no-sold the real life destruction of his leg whereas Vader was unable to ignore that he had been toppled by his fat.
Doctor Gonzo: There is only one memory that stands out on this (although Lita’s impression of Hyabusa needed to be on here), and that is Vince blowing out his quads. I remember I was watching it with my friend and we both busted up because we knew something went bad. The only thing better would have been if he shit himself, and I am sure if it was scripted he would have. Props for the fast recovery though.
Remy: Vader’s fall was good, it’s true. However, Vince blowing BOTH fucking quads at the Rumble was absolutely hilarious. Headlines around the net read: VINCE BLOWS … quads.
Michael Melchor: ...and Vader becomes a two-time winner this year. From murdering people to falling on his ass. I have to admit I laughed my ass off, but I did so with sadness as I realized that “Vader Time” had apparently become “Twinkie Time”.
Canadian Bacon: Vader. You’d think someone who was a dark lord of the Sith and who went tooth and nail with Luke Skywalker would have better balance. Strange.
Cameron Burge: Vince blows out both quads at the Royal Rumble. Say what you will about Kevin Nash, but at least he was attempting to wrestler during his quad injuries (I say attempting because you could never really call what Nash did in the ring, wrestling). Vince on the other hand, blew BOTH quads WALKING. What a douche.
Renee: I thought it was fucken amazing that Vince blew BOTH quads within a minute of each other. The odds for something like that are enormous and we got a front row seat on live TV. Fucken awesome!
Richard Waters: Back when I (and I alone) cared about the coverage of the Diva Search nonesense I did some background checks on the ladies and most of them had gymnastics training. One in particuliar, Summer. So how is it that when she does a simple leg lift does she fall right on her ass. Too funny and proves that "Summer Time" is the worst time of the year.
Joe Merrick: The one thing that made me absolutely bust a gut was Vince sitting on his ass like a child at kindergarten whilst trying to look serious and businessman-like at the same time. Words alone simply can’t convey how fucking hilarious it was when he squirmed on the floor after he slid into the ring, as if scarabs were crawling up his asshole.
Witzdude: This is one of the tougher choices for me. Vader is a strong candidate, because he channeled the spirit of the Shockmaster by having a fat man fall directly on his ass on live television during his debut. Summer’s spill was also the only that mad me laugh till I was actually tearing up. But in the end, no one can top Vince tearing BOTH of his quads at the Royal Rumble. I loved that moment where he just sat there barking orders while it looked like he shit himself. Classic WWE moment that had me giggling for weeks.
15)AHMED JOHNSON "CLOWN-SHOES' AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF RIDICULOUSNESS:
the nominees: Lita, Vader, Juniors, "The Dicks", Nash's comeback, Matt hardy's never used "Angelic Diablo" character, Jeff Hardy, Sean Waltman, Erik Watts, Kurt angle loves bestiality, John Cena's "poopy gay raps", Maria, Soma addicted Eugene, the seemingly non existent brand split
Sean Carless: All the above. Asking me to choose is like asking whether you'd like to have AIDS shot directly into your veins or subjected to airborne Ebola. It all kills, damn it. But still, if i had to pick one, it'd be Cena's current raps. Somewhere along the line, he traded in his "edginess" for humor that'd even make a nine year old kid roll their eyes. But then again the whole surbanite rapper gimmick is laughable to me anyway. The guy's from the fucking suburbs in whitebread Massachussets. What does a white dude from Middle America know about shit like say Drive-bys? The only Drive bys that happen in West Newbury are old people cruising past Yard sales, wondering if its worth getting out of their giant cars to check out the deals. Will the real John Cena please stand up? (Please stand up)
James Walker: I’ve got no problem making fun of Nash some more, so let’s get to it. The thing about Nash is he always manages to amaze me: if the ‘Kings of Wrestling’ shtick, then the non-explained face push, and the infamous cello match weren’t enough, he comes back a few months later, as a face, who’s… in it for the money? A slew of challengers get pushed aside for Nash, all leading to yet another match with Jarrett, where in… he gets a nasty cold before the event, and is never seen of again (That is, until he decides he’s in it for the money.. please), causing TNA brass to reschedule months of programming. The kicker in all of this, is that the only person Nash put over is Jarrett.
Justin Shapiro: There will never be a better example of excellence in the field of ridiculousness than Mr. Martin Wright aka the Boogey Man, who took what looked to be the most abysmal character in ages and turned it into the best gimmick of the year.
Doctor Gonzo: This is a tie with Angle’s bestiality comments and John Cena. Angle keeps trying to be edgy again and is really failing to do it. When your “edginess” is about as subtle as a pan to the face (not a panface you racist fuck), then consider it a failure. John Cena is just WAY too PC now. I expected raps about hurricanes, murder and Rick James instead of calling Michael Cole gay for the 35th time. He really has become Eminem.
Remy: Gotta go with Sean Waltman on this one. If any of you caught him on the Surreal Life, season four, than you know why. As if making a sex video with fucking CHYNA wasn’t bad enough, we get treated to watching him beg her to come back to him on a reality television show. Even when I hadn’t had sex in two years I never even came close to being THAT bad. I can only imagine what this poor bastard must have suffered. I’m guessing severe head trauma.
Michael Melchor: “Hello, my name is Eugene, and I may be retarded, but I know what Somas are! Mmm-mmm, good! You know, this reminds me of the time when Louie Spicolli was found dead of an overdose right before he was going to get a big push but threw it away on drugs! Only difference is, I did it right after WWE buried one of their main-eventers after he did the same thing for years and his heart finally gave out. Maybe my character’s not the only thing that’s truly retarded.”
Canadian Bacon: The Dicks. Better be careful WWE, with a name like that people might start equating them to penises. How would they get over then?
Cameron Burge: Jillian Hall and her Mole that more likely resembles a mutated strain of Viral Space Fungus. Not only does she persist through this horrible gimmick, but gets teamed up with one of Smackdown’s top heels. At least they’ve cut down on her mole attention time as of late so we don’t have to see the ridiculous thing so often.
Renee: You all know how I loved the angle with Kurt in lust with Sharmelle. Though totally off the wall and more than disturbing, Kurt brought that shit home with his psychotic rants and undying determination. I loved that fucken storyline!!
Richard Waters: Jeff Hardy has to be the biggest tool as far as wrestling goes. Yet he gets away with it. He shows up when he wants, no punishment. What does he get for fucking up? Ends Monty Brown's streak... several titles shots. And all because of that one Hardy girl in the audience. God I hate her.
Joe Merrick: I have to go for John Cena’s raps. Cena is like watching a modern horror flick, in that you know this guy has the potential to be serious and entertaining, yet he decides to aim for the prepubescent, dense wiggers and pre-teens who cream themselves for anything remotely insinuating that someone is ‘gay lolz’. Ironically, being like a modern horror flick would improve him also, because I want to see him brutally murdered in a haze of gore.
Witzdude: Matt Hardy’s “Emo-Angel” character was damn funny, but I’m going to vote for the Juniors in this one. Seriously Vince…..midgets? I want whatever the fuck he is smoking because that shit obviously knocks you on your ass.
16)DON'T GO AWAY MAD...JUST GO AWAY. (For wrestler or TV wrestling personality you'd most want GONE from Wrestling)
the nominees: Jeff Jarrett, Stephanie, HHH, Undertaker, Coach, John Cena, Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, Orlando Jordan, Sharmell, Don West, Jeff Hardy;
Sean Carless: Perpetual NWA Title-hog Jeff Jarrett. Mr. "King of the Mountain". Hey, here's a suggestion; how about relocating to that "mountain" full time? You know, that way I never have to see you main-event anything ever again.
James Walker: No one is more of an undeserving staple of their program than Jeff Jarrett. The guy acts like a monster heel, goes over anyone he pleases for shits & giggles, has never drawn a dime in his life, can’t cut a main event promo to save his life, and no one buys his finisher. I can spend HOURS ragging on Jeff Jarrett, and the only reason I don’t is because it would be murder bandwidth costs for Sean. Listen closely here, folks. Jeff Jarrett is a plague, and I refuse to pay for anything TNA as long as he’s in the title picture. It’s that simple.
Justin Shapiro: Triple H already did go away. In fact he may have gone away mad. But then he came back. As much as I’d welcome another vacation, his wife would be a much better addition by subtraction.
Doctor Gonzo: having to watch SD every week, the obvious choice here is Sharmell. With the voice that sounds like a cat being raked through glass while being cornholed by a pink floyd and little to no acting skills, she is easily the most annoying “diva” on TV. Honorable mentions go to Hulk Hogan and Kevin Nash for obvious reasons.
Remy: I might get some heat for this one, but I have to say ALL of the nominees EXCEPT HHH. That’s right, I’m glad as hell he’s back, and I sincerely want him to get over this losing streak soon. Cena and Jarrett are, by far, the biggest offenders.
Michael Melchor: Orlando Jordan. In two years’ time, I’ve contributed more to this industry than he has, and I’m only a fucking ‘net writer. As El Jefe, part of The Hideout (funniest night show in America, best night time entertainment in Orlando) would say, “Beat it!” – but hopefully after he’s humiliated as bad as Chunks used to be.
Canadian Bacon: That very dangerous Hulk Hogan. If only because his bigtime reckless style is really going to get someone injured one of these days. Tone it down Hulk! You have your whole career ahead of yous!
Cameron Burge: Can we please just fire HAWKenriech before the LOD’s legacy is sunk even lower to the most horrible pits of degradation? They would have done better to just go with MNM’s original choice for a team member for Animal in Hawk himself (despite his...condition).
Renee: I have a tie on this one, OJ & Sharmell need to get together and both leave me alone. They both have no value what so ever in wrestling as far as this bitch is concerned.
Richard Waters: Why doesn't Jarrett get the picture. There isn't a true heel in the business except him. Most heels are either unover or get face pops. But Jarrett defines heel. He has the crowd literally wanting him dead. Sure the Impact crowd is smark based, but good God... not even Hitler was that over as a heel. The fact that they chant boring and "drop the title" is a big hint...
Joe Merrick: I’m torn between Cena and Stephanie. Seeing as I’ve bashed the hell out of Steph for most of this thing I’m gonna go with Cena. His promo’s are all the exact same, and he’s made Angle look weak with this shitty ‘Austin vs McMahon’-esque angle. Thing is, at least Austin came up short at SOME point instead of winning all the fucking time. That’s what made it interesting. Now people are being lead to believe that if you channel the power of Vanilla Ice then nothing can touch you.
Witzdude: Jarrett, no contest. While everyone else at least brings something to the table (except for Don West. Don, I fucking hate you), Jarrett only strangles the life out of potential main-eventers such as Rhino and Raven and whines and cries till he gets the belt when it makes the least sense to do so. Jeff, listen to the crowd. Drop the belt and the fuck off my tv, slapnuts.
17)Who's "Necks-t"? (Award for wrestler most likely to get injured)
the nominees: Edge (again) Lita (again) HBK, Kurt Angle, Kane, Randy Orton, Undertaker, Siaki's next opponent....
Sean Carless: Lita. It's a race to the finish at this point between her and Rob Van Dam to see who will milk their knee injury the longest, (and Rob has all that *medical marijuana* aiding his recovery; what gives?) but I think it's a race that Lita will win. My theory is that Lita is out so often because her antibodies are too busy battling various venereal diseases, and thus have no time to concentrate healing on a particular body part. That, or I couldn't think of a clever joke, so I went for the most obvious one possible. Either/or.
James Walker: Oh Kurt. You know I love you, right man? I mean, over the years, you’ve given us ever so much: a top-cage moonsault, unparalleled comedy, unique spots, and MOTY candidates with the likes of Jericho, Eddie, Benjamin, Benoit, Lesnar, HBK, and a hell of a lot more. But, you have this nasty problem. See, you bust your ass… you work really damn hard, and each night, you look better. You start busting out cooler spots than ever, and taking bigger risks. Eventually, you get injured, come back way too soon, then you start all over again. Right now, you’re looking like you’re headed for… *spins the wheel*… Christ, an ACL tear. So please Kurt, I beg of you. Stop having so much pride.
Justin Shapiro: Batista is working with both a torn lat and Mark Henry. That’s trouble. Although maybe Mark can BENDIFY the muscle back into place.
Doctor Gonzo: I’ll go with Randy Orton. Once he starts getting over, his body will break down in some sort of subliminal way to inform him, (as well as the rest of the world) that nobody wants to see him be a star.
Remy: Bobby Lashley! This guy is too freakin’ big. Sooner or later, he is going to pull a “Batista” and tear something.
Michael Melchor: Siucki’s next opponent should be a lock, but, oddly enough, I’m going with my gut instinct, which says Kurt Angle is the next to be out with a bad injury. Maybe because he’s prone to them (particularly his neck, which has been badly injured twice already) or maybe because he absolutely refuses to tone down his style. Either way, I hope I’m wrong.
Canadian Bacon: Prolly that Chris Candido. He seems pretty accident prone.
Cameron Burge: I would personally have to say Shelton Benjamin since he continuously has to mess up on purpose in the continuation of his losing streak and one of these days, he’s going to land wrong when he misses that top rope cross body for the fiftieth time and break his arm. Afterward, Vince will more than likely retardedly ban the use of the top rope effectively killing the Cruiserweight Division once and for all.
Renee: I say HBK is due for a hurtin’ soon. He’s been bouncing around like the immortal one for a good minute. It will soon be time to pay the piper and have to sit out for a few months due to either a leg injury or the ever so uncommon, back pain.
Richard Waters: People always compare Edge and Christian since their split. Edge has been booked to go over and gets booed as a face. Christian loses EVERY feud and EVERY match and was outcherring the WHC. Yet he gets depushed. Hardly ever injured, but Edge has been hurt 100 times since his return from surgery. Arm/Hand... leg... chest... dick?
Joe Merrick: I’m thinking Edge is made out of plaster, which would explain how brittle he is and how fucking stiff he is during promo’s. Would also explain Lita’s masculine voice, due to her throat being scraped by his dick.
Witzdude: This should have been a shoo-in for Angle, but I gotta give it to Edge. This kid gets injured 3 times a year! And in true Kevin Nash fashion, he does it in the stupidest way possible doing moves that have minimal risk in them. Hey, at least this means we didn’t get an Edge title reign this year!
18)"EVEN WE'RE EMBARRASSED TO BE FANS. US!"
the nominees: Eddie/Rey/Dominic; UConn w/ Warrior; Flair's Insanity; Destroying Eddie's lowrider on SD; Dr. Heiney performs colon surgery; Bestiality w/ Kurt Angle; Emo Kane; Hassan's "sympathizers"; Orton (repeatedly) murders Undertaker; Rhino versus flower pot; The Matt Hardy Show;
Sean Carless: Vince McMahon as "Dr. Heiney". Perhaps the only angle to ever knock Katie Vick of its pedstal made of pure shit. And the worst part is I can picture the creative team giving each other celebratory high fives after churning out this garbage. From there though, I picture myself breaking through the wall with Batman's tumbler and crushing them all beaneath its giant flailing wheels. Of course, this is just my version.
Anyway, Vince the proctologist gets the duke here hands down (pants down?). But hey, if anyone knows about producing large amounts of shit it'd be this guy. So I guess it was at least good casting.
James Walker: I gotta go with the plethora of Taker-take outs. While cheesy, I’ll accept one attempted murder per feud. It’s dumb and predictable, but hey, that’s wrestling. However, when I turn on Smackdown (which doesn’t happen too often), I begin to sigh at the site of Randy Orton injecting taker with elephant tranquilizers, having a burly Scotsman caber toss him into a hearse, shooting a rocket launcher at it, releasing the vehicle into a tub full of sharks with lazer beams attached to their heads, drained of water, filled with acid, drained of the acid, then filled with cement, and finished of with Orton shitting on the junk heap as he fires a crossbow into the crowd, every 45 minutes.
Justin Shapiro: Just reading the nominees makes me want to strangle myself with piano wire and crash my lowrider into the Ovaltron.
Doctor Gonzo: Matt Hardy show SHOULD be number one. This is the type of shit that you see on a website that people send in links of hillbillies doing stupid ass shit on video that they think is entertaining, but I have to go with destroying the lowrider on SD. A week after having people cry and share their innermost feelings about a friend who died, the WWE has to try and turn it into an angle and make it a disgusting display of their lack of tact. The shocking thing is I know how that meeting went. It was the writers telling Rey that the destruction of the lowrider would make his win more emotional and make Big Show look like a bigger heel. And fuck him for spitting on the car. He should die on a toilet seat.
Remy: The JR colon operation was bad, it’s true. I also have to give some serious consideration to what I just saw on Smackdown, which was Melina accusing Batista of … rape? Oh sweet baby Jesus must be crying over this ABORTION (you know WWE is going to do it …) of an angle.
Michael Melchor: Is there even a question here? Vince as Dr. Heiney easily wins out here (and this is despite the fact that two men held what amounts to be a custody battle NOT in a court of law, but in a ladder match at SummerSlam). Sad thing is, it could have been entertaining had it not been so over-long, un funny, spiteful...hell, who am I kidding? This just plain sucked.
Canadian Bacon: That so called Arab-American Muhammad Hassan. For the bigtime record, there’s not even such thing as a country called Arab America. I took Geography 13 times in high school, so I think I’d remember a country called that. Plus, that Daivari guy got on my nerves somethin’ fierce. At least learn the Canadian language if you’re gonna live here!
Cameron Burge: The single most embarrassing thing for me as a fan would be for our last minute entrant into this category (it’s almost as if Vince himself wanted to top the most offensive bit of television of the year). Tim White. Never before has suicide been less funny than it was at Armageddon (Though in real life it’s HILARIOUS, trust me).
Renee: The one horrible touch to the whole Hassan gimmick was the sympathizers. Though the timing coinciding with the London bombings wasn’t anyone’s fault, the placement was just wrong! It wasn’t needed, but leave it to Vince to push shit right off the edge. I believe Hassan wouldn’t have had to be “killed” off so soon if that didn’t happen.
Richard Waters: When Vince did Colon Surgery on JR... I couldn't turn it away. It was like seeing Ruck Fules at Armageddon... just embarassing. I am very thankful I was alone because I easily would have left the room. I guess there's a reason the ratings never change. Only marks bother with this shit.
Joe Merrick: I think as wrestling fans we are now accustomed to Taker’s feuds. There is a pattern after all. He gets verbally attacked, he scares his new rival by tombstoning some random asshole, Taker then gets killed, he comes back, he challenges to a match, he gets killed, he challenges to HIAC/casket.
BUT even this doesn’t compare to how fucking stupid the Dominic angle was. This, at first, was something you could show a non-wrestling fan and say ‘these are two good wrestlers doing what they’re best at. THIS is what wrestling is all about’. Why did they have to go and make this ridiculous angle that ended with Rey celebrating that Eddie fucked his wife?
Witzdude: Anyone who visits the forums knows that I have to go with Hassan and his “sympathizers” performing a terrorist attack on Undertaker 6 hours after the London bombings by Al-Qaeda. It is literally one of the 3 times in my life I have been ashamed to a wrestling fan. It wasn’t edgy, it wasn’t controversial, it was just fucking stupid and spit in the face of the people who lost their lives in London and their families. An argument can be made since they taped the angle earlier in the week, however, they shouldn’t have fucking aired it. The bodies were still warm when that bullshit went on the air, and all we got was a warning scrolling across the bottom of the screen. I usually see both sides on an issue, but not in this one. Sorry, it was stupid and didn’t need to be done, case closed.
19)"HOW ABOUT SOME CLEARASIL FOR THAT BACK?!" Award for most obvious Steroid job
the nominees: Batista, Gene Snitsky, Rey Mysterio, Chris Masters, Edge, Lashley, Tomko,Rob Conway,
Sean Carless: Easily, Gene Snitsky. At this point, only the moon has a worse complexion than our man Gene, the Baby killing machine. I'd suggest that he bathe in some Oxy or something, but basically there'd only be a giant goatee left after the tub drained.
James Walker: While I think it’s pretty obvious that they’re all on the juice, I’m giving this award to Gene Snitsky because I can make jokes about him. Now honestly here folks, when you’ve got a mug like Gene here, do you *really* want to be shrinking your testicles? I mean, Ron Jeremy might not be the prettiest sight in the worst, but hey, he’s got something to offer. Not that I’m insinuating that I know the size of Gene’s junk, but still… when a woman begins to handle (for some unknown reason) his hairy helpers, I’ll bet he looks embarrassed and mutters “It wasn’t my fault…”. However, I suppose he’s doing this to make a point – whether it’s ridding the world of demon fetuses or shooting a shrink ray on to his man giblets, there’s no lengths Gene Snitsky wouldn’t go to promote NO BABIES.
Justin Shapiro: ‘Snitsky has bacne and frontne and probably kneene,’ I said last year, and the most compelling thing about this is that it continues to hold true despite drug testing and Gene totally losing his body. Which means that either the condition is permanent, or he’s just a naturally backneed man.
Doctor Gonzo: Easy, this award goes to Snitsky. His back looks like the deathstar. Nuff said.
Remy: I saw a guy on TNA who was even worse than Snitsky. But … it was TNA. Fuck if I know who he was, LOL. So I’m going with Snitsky.
Michael Melchor: Sorry to forego format, but based on the category title alone, Snitsky wins. Hands down. That man has the most disgusting back EVER in the history of this fine sport. It looks like the surface of the moon, fer Chrissakes! And no, I won’t mention George “The Animal” Steele or A-Train, because...well, I feel their pain.
Canadian Bacon: Nunzio. He’s got places in places there’s not even muscles!
Cameron Burge: Normally Gene Snitsky would take this easily (and probably proceed to inject it into himself), but now that he’s deflated a little that leaves me with only one option. Triple H, whom I am never going to believe bulked up to the size of a blimp the way he did so quickly without at least a few of "Daddy Vince’s Little Helpers".
Renee: Pimple back Gene Snitsky. Oh my lord this man needs something. What that something is…I have no clue. He’s just disturbing.
Richard Waters: Snitsky as awesome as he is... worst bacne I've ever seen. Eddie never had it so bad. Everytime he turns around I want to vomit. Ugh.
Joe Merrick: You know most people will go for Snitsky here, or Lashley (Aka Black Lesnar, who’s shoulders are in a very disturbing position) but I’m going to go with Rey Mysterio. Take off the mask, put him in black trunks and Hey Presto Batista has his own mini-me.
Witzdude: Snitsky takes it in a landslide. For fucks sake, his back looks like a pepperoni pizza. Anyone see his match with Shelton during the Troops Raw episode? Looks like someone is losing all their muscle mass since the drug tests were enforced….
20)EVEN MARLEE MATLIN COULD HEAR THAT: (for wrestler or diva with the most irritating voice)
the nominees: Stephanie, Sharmell, Don West, Torrie Wilson, Joey Styles, Michael Cole, Jake Roberts, Jeff Jarrett, Jerry Lawler,
Sean Carless: Stephanie McMahon. When Big Steph opens her mouth, dogs across the country collectively have their heads explode Scanners-style in unison.
1st runner up is poor Jake Roberts and his strained vocal chords. Apparently he now gargles with razor blades, as opposed to just cutting a coke line with them.
James Walker: I have to go with Lawler on this one. Not only do you hear him all the time, but he’s also just a little bit of an ass. I don’t know, I get the impression from him that he thoroughly enjoys not cleaning up after himself in a food court, doesn’t rewind his movies, and always takes the last slice of pizza. Plus, I hear Lawler likes his girls like he likes his scotch; aged twelve years, and all mixed up with coke. What this has to do with his voice is of little importance; it’s the only thing he was nominated for.
Justin Shapiro: Sharmell is wonderful! I think I will select Michael Cole. 1984 called, it told me to kick you in the balls. And that Ghostbusters is great.
Doctor Gonzo: Sharmell wins for reasons already listed. Her voice makes my dick fall off and choke itself with its own testicles.
Remy: Joey Styles is a nominee? What the fuck? Well, that idiocy aside, I’m going to go with Linda McMahon. She is the most annoying promo-cutter on the face of the planet. It’s like … my fucking GRANDMA in a wrestling wring. It’s so wrong.
Michael Melchor: Josh Matthews may be one of the only Tough Enough guys remaining, but with that voice I don’t see how. Every time I hear him, I just want to give him a nuclear wedgie and stuff him in a trash can so everyone can point and laugh. Seriously, can we not find a better interviewer?
Canadian Bacon: That Bobby Lashley. Does that guy ever shut up?
Cameron Burge: I’m sorry, what? I couldn’t here you over Stephanie’s voice. Yes, Daddy’s little girl made her triumphant return to Raw, but thankfully hasn’t been seen since Austin’s angle died in the water. When she opens her mouth, what I hear is not the sound of a voice, but the sounds of chaos. Vile, wretched things that if I were to repeat them to you, you would flee in horror.
Renee: Michael Cole, the little bitch. I’m so tired of him whining to Taz about the heels on the show. They really need to refresh the announcer both on SD.
Richard Waters: I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell. I hate Sharmell.
Joe Merrick: I’m gonna go with my own pick here and say Matt Hardy. Honestly I just don’t remember him sounding so damn REDNECK. He goes on Byte This and is at it ’Ah will not dah, Tawd, Ah will not dah.’ Kane’s voicebox was melodic in comparison.
Witzdude: I thought she was gone forever, but Stephanie screeched her way back onto the screen and resulted in me wanting to perforate my eardrum with a fucking fondu fork.
21)"SPEAKING OF MARLEE MATLIN, WE ALL SHOULD BE SO LUCKY" (worst theme music)
the nominees: Big Show, Victoria, Matt Hardy, Randy Orton, John Cena, Rob Conway, Stephanie McMahon, Rey Mysterio (Boooyakayaka..fuck off)
Sean Carless: Rey Mysterio. The only west coast pop you'll hear is me blowing my fucking head off when this song starts up. And here I thought it was impossible to top the sheer annoyance of his last theme song. Come on, Rey, I'll father more children in Eddie's stead to carry on that prestigious Mysterio junior, junior lineage, if you just one time come out to complete silence.
James Walker: HEY, there’s nothing you can SAY, fuck off and make my DAY, then go down to the BAY, make something out of CLAY, feed you horse some HAY, on a silver TRAY, for that I would PAY, when rock climbing I BELAY, support the rebel named CHE, my monitor is a liquid crystal DISPLAY, it won’t give me radioactive DECAY.
Justin Shapiro: It doesn’t get any more obnoxious than “that’s right, ladies, it’s me, Stephanie, a strong independent female woman, doin’ it up, on my own, holla.”
Doctor Gonzo: I have hated Randy Orton’s music forever and I think I always will. His music doesn’t see “heel”. It says, “I’m a fag, please don’t take my wallet”.
Remy: Mysterio’s is pretty hideous. “Whatcha gonna do when we come for you?” Yeah, because I’m really scared of dudes who look 12! So that one is definitely bad. But Victoria’s is right up there too. “I ain’t the lady to mess with?” Jesus, what cornball shit. I know it’s wrestling … but still.
Michael Melchor: Linda McMahon. Okay, I own WrestleMania: The Album. I’ll make that shameful admission. But I own it for purposes of posterity and nostalgia, not to play around all but a handful of people. Why? Because, in the wrong circles, it would be silly. With that logic in place, who takes Linda seriously hearing her come out to that? Anyone? Bueller?
Canadian Bacon: Prolly Matt Hardy. How can you slap a tornado? That’s just foolish! You’d get sucked right up into the eye and murdered or even killed. Ridiculous.
Cameron Burge: Christian’s new theme. What is that crap? Is it even music at all or just a conglomeration of various canned sound effects scavenged from the Orlando Studios back dumpster? Not that it really matters, since you can’t even hear the music most of the time with TNA’s shitty speaker system.
Renee: I hate the new reggetone version of Rey’s entrance music. I understand that he’s trying to keep up with the latest music but it fucken sux.
Richard Waters: Big Show needs a music change. I liked the music. I like it on WWE the music volume whatever. However, he needs something new. Something that isn't equated with a fucking piss break. Welllllllllllll it's the big show. Welllllllllll I gotta take a dump.
Joe Merrick: Yeah, well done on giving Rey music that even Ali G would cringe at. I’ll say Snitsky’s though, I mean I like the ‘IT WASN’T MY FAULT’ at the beginning, but at least the rest of the nominees actually have a fucking tune! This is just…NOISE. It’s a bunch of random guitar squealings that make no logical sense! How that is supposed to get you pumped up before a match I don’t know.
Witzdude: Victoria. My…..music….is….slow. They took the worst theme music in the WWE, and just slowed it down, making it that much worse. Arrgggh…..
Honorable Mention to Rey Rey for having a theme song that would make Selena rise from her grave just to die from shame all over again.
22)THE "ARGAIV" AWARD FOR LETDOWN OF THE YEAR. (Get it? Viagra spelled backwards)
the nominees: Lesnar not resigning with WWE; Austin no shows Taboo Tuesday; Cena's title reign; The Royal Rumble 2004 match; Eddie/Rey feud; RAW Homecoming; No ECW follow-up; Christian's push being derailed; Jericho leaves WWE in a pathetic fashion; Rhino's TNA title run; Sting brought in as TNA's "top guy".
Sean Carless: There were a few let downs for me this year. One was no follow-up to the great ECW pay-per-view; another was the whole Taboo Tuesday fallout with Steve Austin (I'm admittedly a huge Stone Cold mark); and the last was the girlfriend refusing my pleas of delivering a mid-coital donkey punch. However, only two of these deal with wrestling, so let's forget I even mentioned the latter.
In any event, although it was not Earth shattering, I can't say I was too pleased when I heard Sting was being brought in as TNA's "focal point". Not that I dislike Sting; I don't. It's just that he's bumping Christian from that very spot only a few weeks after he was primed for a probable World Title stint. And rather than seeing the Jarrett/Christian NWA title match at the next PPV, we'll instead be seeing Jarrett & Monty against The "Christians", Cage & Sting respectively. And speaking of Sting becoming a huge bible thumper, is this really a face that you'd want welcoming you into God's house every Sunday? And with that in mind, I'm convinced that the only reason Stinger turned to Christianity in the first place is so he could learn Jesus's sweet, sweet ascending exits, without having to bother putting on those pesky harnesses he usually has to before being whisked off into the rafters....
James Walker: Lesnar’s cock-tease. In the summer, the guy was not only in talks with the WWE, but had actually come to a verbal agreement, with him appearing on the front page of WWE.com. I was giddy as a school girl, for I’ve always been a huge fan of the Vanilla Gorilla. However, for him to back out for undisclosed reasons and head off for New Japan made me shed a single tear that had nothing to do with a littering white man. Personally, I feel that Brock has the potential to be THE future of wrestling, and while there’s no shame in wrestling in Japan, it means I can’t see him put on clinics like we know he can. His decision not to resign basically made my life meaningless, and forced me to cut my wrists to the tune of Bright Eyes. ReMeMbEr BrOcK I WiLl AlWaYs LuV U!!!~~1
Justin Shapiro: I read on WWE.com that Brock was totally in! Company works wrestlers, that’s not news. Wrestler works company, that’s news.
Doctor Gonzo: The two things that bothered me the most was Christian’s push being cut off in mid run as he was burning it up as a challenger to John Cena, and they had a HUGE heat match right there as you could tell from his promos. But he is main eventing now, so I am happy for him. Greener pastures. The other thing was Brock Lesnar not resigning. I was REALLY looking forward to Brock back in the WWE, but it seems as their relationship is as strained as Big Show's shoes around his cankles.
Remy: Trying to pick the biggest letdown in wrestling? Seriously, was this supposed to be a legit question? I think I watch wrestling because I enjoy being disappointed. I may have a problem.
Michael Melchor: Rhino’s NWA Title run wasn’t so much a letdown as it was a shitty booking exercise. The letdown here is building up his character with those vignettes after it became clear that his short run would be the ONLY chance he got. It’s kind of like putting on a rubber after you climax – by that point, it’s useless.
Canadian Bacon: Stone Cold Steve Austin not coming to Sabu Tuesday. That was a bigtime jip. Vince said Steve got hurt lifting furniture but I think obviously a lady friend started cracking wise and Stone Cold had to do somethin’ about it and injured his punchin’ arm in the process. Note to the bitches: Stop ruining wrestling pay-per-views with your nagging!
Cameron Burge: Rhino’s Title run. The poor man goes from being the bane of flower pots everywhere to the last minute TNA World Champion seemingly overnight...and then back to the bane of flower pots everywhere in the space of a week. Now he stands poised to be completely lost in the shuffle of the TNA mid-card. What a waste. I guess he could always come back and compete in the Juniors. He’s short enough.
Renee: My let down was of course Brock not coming home to me and going back to that germ of a woman Rena. Oh…him not coming back to the WWE sucked too.
Richard Waters: I was so excited for Christian's potential Cena feud. Hell, he was the only saving grace leading up into the draft. All since Mania it was about him. He was mad over. And then... jack shit. I hope sex is better than that bad thing. I mean, more sex. Yeah...
Joe Merrick: Jericho leaving. This man deserves to be seen as big, or bigger, than the Rock, and he leaves with little to no fanfare, all because of that clueless dumbass Cena, who probably humps cows. Yeah I said it.
Witzdude: Cena and Rhino’s title reigns were complete disappointments. What could have been the start of the future of the WWE was turned into a neutered champion that had all the thug appeal of Pee Wee Herman and the other ended up being the death rattle for a promising career.
23)EVEN OZZY OSBOURNE HAS MORE CREDIBILITY.
the nominees: Lex Luger, Ric Flair's meltdown, Rochelle Loewan, Mark Jindrak, Billy Gunn, HBK, DDP sues Jay-Z; Soma addicted Eugene, Sid " in the top 2 or 3 of all time" Vicious, Kevin "24 hour heart Attack" Nash, Sean Waltman admits Joanie kicked his ass; Mick Foley at ONS; Hogan pimping his talentless she hulk of a daughter;
Sean Carless: Luger's too easy. Besides, I already exhausted my Lex jokes like 23 questions ago. So my pick is Sid Vicious. And for those of you who don't know, Sid recently gave a radio interview where he, when put on the spot, stated that he felt that he was "number one or two" of all time. Heh. Number two. That's apropos, considering Sid is the only wrestler in history to ever crap his pants while wrestling in the Main Event of Wrestlemania (13).
Now, don't get me wrong, back in the day, I LOVED Sid. He had this crazy charisma in the ring. But as an actual "wrestler", the guy was clown shoes. To even insinuate that he drew even a modicum of the money that Hogan did is laughable. Maybe Sid needs to break out the old squeegee, because his vision is obviously skewed.
James Walker: Sean Waltman, on the whole. I can’t figure this guy out. I mean, his antics on The Surreal Life were enough to warrant a nomination here, but writing messages on his website saying a woman(?) beat the shit out of him & his educated feet IN FRONT OF HIS CHILDREN screams of hilarity. Toss in doing shit all in TNA, getting pissed off at the pay and no showing, getting brought back in & rebuilding a legacy, starting a surely classic feud with Jerry Lynn, disappearing for a week, and no showing the payoff of a tag tournament he and Alex Shelley won in honor of Chris Candido… gah, this guy is too much.
Justin Shapiro: Whoever wrote on the company website, “In the real world, WWE believes that no matter what our race, religious creed or ethnic background in America, we all share the common bond of being Americans. American-Arabs are a part of the fabric of America, and they should be embraced by all of us.”
Doctor Gonzo: The only one here that actually made me laugh and think, “you are one pathetic loser. No offense” is the DDP story. Seriously, what a fucking moron. Did he spend all the money from the royalties of looking like the biggest fag on the planet in Mick’s first book? He needs to keep the douchebag to a minimum before Jay Z either: a) kills him, b) puts cookies in his bed or c) challenges DDP to a “whose wife is hotter” contest. I would actually like to see b.
Remy: Wrestling … credibility … who is coming up with these questions? Now that I’m fired … lol … Seriously though, trying to figure out who has the least credibility in wrestling is like trying to determine which drop of water is more wet. However, through a complex scientific process, I have determined that it’s … DDP sued J-Z? I Don’t even remember hearing about that. Oh well, I’ll go with that one.
Michael Melchor: So, if DDP sues Jay-Z for using the “dianmond” hand sign, wouldn’t he have to sue the entire Roc-A-Fella family? Kanye West uses it, too, you know. Why not sue him? Because DDP is desperate for money and is chasing the more established name for it, forgetting the fact that no one cares about DDP anymore. If he were to make a viable comback (read: not bolt from TNA after Dusty’s gone and it’s apparent that no one else on the booking committee would suck his dick), then he MAY have a chance.
Canadian Bacon: Hulk Hogan and his daughter Brooke Hogan. She needs to stop this silly singing and just accept her destiny!: Bodyslamming real life LEGIT Giants! Come on already! There’s tons of fat people out there just waitin’ for her to scoop them up! It’s her birthright!!!!!111
Cameron Burge: Eugene’s Soma addiction was so pathetic it made actual retards worldwide bow their heads in shame. Can you believe that this guy was headlining matches against Triple H last year? At least he has the comfort of not being forced to prance for the public in character anymore; he can be an asshole all he wants now.
Renee: More Hogan bashing!!!! His daughter has no talent. Boobs and blonde hair don’t equal marketable alone. The chick has to be able to do something besides be Hulk Hogan’s daughter. Fuck it’s amazing how much Hogan sucks outside the ring.
Richard Waters: Oh man, I knew X-pac was a small man... but Chyna kicked his ass. The only thing worse is if some guys at a live event started chanting "I screwed Chyna", oh wait...
Joe Merrick: Sean Waltman admitting that he got his ass handed to him by Joanie. Some might argue that she’s not exactly what one might consider a ‘regular’ woman but let’s just analyse this for a second. The guy can knock down 7 foot giants with one swift kick, yet he is decimated by CHYNA.
Witzdude: Page sues Jay-Z no doubt. That made me literally fall out of my chair laughing the first time I heard it. It’s a hand gesture you fucking retard, now go back to mowing Bischoff’s lawn. I actually read that Stone Cold is now suing Jay-Z also for Jay-Z’s use of his trade-mark hand gesture as a response to DDP’s lawsuit.
24)THE AC/DC "BIG BALLS" AWARD. Greatest show of testicular fortitude.
the nominees: Christian basically tells WWE to go fuck themselves and goes to TNA; Batista works hurt; Benoit wrestles an emotional match for Eddie Guerrero; Chavo Guerrero wrestles an emotional match for Eddie; Sabu returns from near crippling injuries last year; Jeff Hardy's Swanton off the stage at Bound for Glory; Matt Hardy's insane top of cage leg drop; Joey Styles anti-WWE commentary at ECW ONS; Frankie Kazarian leaves WWE on his own terms;
Sean Carless: Hey, no nomination for Edge sticking his dick into Lita's muddled waters without any fear or repercussions? (Ramipercussions?). All kidding aside, my choice is a serious one; and as much as I appreciate DAVE working hurt, and respect RVD, Heyman and Styles for speaking their minds, my choice is a tie for Chavo Guerrero and Chris Benoit respectively. I don't think I'd be able to go out there and wrestle (a great match, mind you) if someone as close as a brother died not even 24 hours before. Hats off to these guys.
James Walker: Christian’s departure from WWE, without a doubt. While it was sure TNA would pick him up, the decision to leave the WWE, where he would make substantially more and all but burned his bridge with the company that he called home for the last eight years takes some cahones. The thing about this situation is that his actions were totally justified. See, even as part of the successful Edge & Christian tag team, Jay Reso was always treated as the Jannety to Edge’s Michaels, despite Christian taking bigger bumps, getting injured less, and generating more heat. Upon the split, Christian was buried as Edge rose through the ranks, but slowly Christian made his way on TV, getting himself over instead of waiting for creative to ‘give him something to work with’. Eventually, Christian got so close to main event status, that if the WWE had just given him the final nudge, I’m sure he would have resigned, despite seven and a half years of mistreatment. Now he’d be set in TNA is Sting had only decided to stick to praying…
Justin Shapiro: Credit where the devil its due – Mr. McMahon no-sells obliterating his leg by sitting on the ground, surviving solely on the strength of being Vince McMahon Damn It.
Doctor Gonzo: Anytime anyone has enough balls to leave the WWE on their own accord I salute them. Anytime anyone wrestles after a devastation of any kind (death, injury, STD) they get props too. Anytime anyone wants to kill themselves during a match, they get props also. And anytime someone bashes a prospective employer on a PPV gets props as well, so I like them all.
Remy: I’m useless for a week after watching Old Yeller, so I sure as shit couldn’t imagine wrestling a match the day after one of my best friends/family member’s died. I respect the hell out of that, in all seriousness. Big props to both Benoit and Chavo.
Michael Melchor: Christian, after being pushed down the card to a near-ridiculous level (although anyone that thinks he could have been a viable WWE Champion is deluding themselves) and saving the money he’s earned for nearly killing himself for nearly nothing, walked out on contract renegotiations and re-established himself as a main-event player in another company. THAT, my friends, is ballsy – and WWE couldn’t do a damned thing about it.
Canadian Bacon: Batista working hurt. Batista is an animal, but I hope that doesn’t give a Veterinarian any smart ideas about having him destroyed. That’d be unfortunate.
Cameron Burge: Joey Styles being willing to pretty much risk any chance of a future paycheck on one night of getting back at the WWE takes some big bass balls if you ask me. Not only did he get away with it, but now he’s the replacement announcer for long time play by play man, Jim Ross. Quite a leap for someone who spent the entire night preaching the horror of Vince’s empire.
Renee: this one goes to Christian for me. He never seemed like one to get walked on but even I had my doubts about his balls soon before he made the jump. But Christian with respect and great poise took a chance and made his career happen again instead of waiting for someone to direct it. For that alone he’s awesome!
Richard Waters: Once again I have to defened Christian. He became the first true guy to "jump ship" since the end of WCW. Sure others have gone, but they were released. Capn Charisma took his ball and left.
Joe Merrick: I’ll not only vote for Joey Styles but I’ll go for RVD and Heyman whilst I’m at it. They made it known exactly what the public was thinking, whether it involved RAW’s roster, JBL’s title run, or Edge’s affair. Oh yeah and by the way, real smart, Adam ‘oh oh that’s 3 words LOL’ Copeland, you sure showed that fat bastard didn’t ye?
Witzdude: While I was tempted to pick Christian leaving WWE, I realized that that wasn’t really a ballsy move, it was a smart one since he left on good terms and now gets a chance to increase his drawing power and main event. I’ll give the nod to THE DAVE here for working hurt. It takes a lot of balls to do something like that, and THE DAVE stepped up to the bat when the company needed him the most. Huevos Grandes, mis amigo.
25)THE BEST THING SINCE INTERNET PORN. (Wrestler of The Year Award)
the nominees: HBK, Angle, Samoa Joe, Christopher Daniels, AJ Styles, HHH, Ric Flair, Shelton Benjamin, Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio;
Sean Carless: Oh, ok, the "serious" Awards now. Well, my pick may surprise a lot of people, and this probably means my Canadian citizenship will be revoked, but my choice for Wrestler of the Year is Shawn Michaels. The guy just has awesome matches. Bottom line. First, he and Kurt Angle tore the house down at Wrestlemania 21, then did it AGAIN at Vengeance. He also had perhaps the single best TV match I've seen in years when he faced Shelton Benjamin on RAW. Hell, he even pulled an exciting match out of the aged, slow moving body of the Hulkster in the Battle of the receding hairlines at Summer Slam (collectively they looked like a "Before" and "WAY before" Ad for Rogaine). And the best part is HBK doesn't mind doing jobs anymore. All in all, HBK was in my opinion, the very best wrestler this calendar year.
James Walker: Christopher Daniels takes this one. This was a tough to decide, but when it came down to it, The Fallen Angel has shown us more than anyone else this year. From his final battles as Triple X against AMW, to his brilliant push towards X-division champion, an even better run as champ, and his MOTY candidates with Joe & Styles, Christopher Daniels has proven himself as a world class competitor. The fact that he’s worked as one of the best tag teams in recent memory, hit it home with his single heels run, and now is basking in the glory of a face turn is a testament to his ability to work any which way necessary. Above all this, he’s had a great year in ROH, including the famed bout with Matt Hardy. What it all comes down to is the fact that in 2005, Christopher Daniels was the most complete wrestler in the business. You can’t get any better than that.
Justin Shapiro: The wrestler of the year is Shawn Michaels, between his matches with Angle and his headlining SummerSlam and carrying Hogan. Still, who in the world wants to see Michaels and Vince wrestle? I wonder if they’ll bill it as 19 years in the making and interview Mike Tyson about who will win.
Doctor Gonzo: Since I am never home on Saturdays, I have missed the joy that is Samoa Joe, and I regret it. I think I would love the guy. I need to get TIVO. But I have managed to somehow see a fair share of AJ Styles matches and he is by far the most entertaining wrestler I have seen in the industry this year. If there was a way to masturbate successfully to his matches, I would. Who am I kidding. I have and will continue to do so.
Remy: Angle. Honestly don’t know if I’d watch Raw at all if it wasn’t for him and HHH. But Angle’s new to Raw, relatively speaking, so I’m going with him. HBK just hasn’t been the same since he lost to Hogan.
Michael Melchor: I’m going with the outside choice because, while I may not be his biggest fan and blow him like 99.44% of the rest of the IWC does, Samoa Joe made a hell of an impact this year. He has “SmarKs” and casual fans (that have seen him) alike talking about what a badass this guy is. With more visibility and big-time exposure, Samoa Joe could be everything that Goldberg could have been and never was.
Canadian Bacon: There’s porn on the internet now? FINALLY. I can finally throw away this Wal-Mart Flyer I’ve been using.
Anyways, my pick is Samoa Joe. People always say he’s really stiff in the ring, but he looks pretty relaxed out there if you ask me. My only problem with him is his name. I distinctly heard him announced one time as being from Los Angeles! That means he’s not Samoa Joe, he’s Los Angeles Joe which is clearly a much more marketable name if you ask me. Sometimes I think maybe he’s not even a Samoan. I’ll have to ram his head into something to find out for sure though.
Cameron Burge: AJ Styles. A lot can be said about the ass-busters in WWE, but nobody has consistently put on more great matches in the ring than Styles and he’ll continue to for many years to come is my prediction. He even got to hold on to TNA’s top strap for a short period of time and had an excellent feud with Abyss. hell, he even managed to get a good match out of Jarret for once. That now that takes some true talent.
Renee: I give this one to Angle because he’s shown so much energy and determination during this past year. He alone got the fans to start booing Cena. No other recent feud resulted it such a split in support since Orton first started turning against Trip two years ago. Angle deserves credit of being a great heel and consistent opponent during the year.
Richard Waters: Daniels X-div title run made me a big fan of his. The Fallen Angel. Best Moonsault Ever. Angel's Wings. Last Rights. He's the best thing since Internet Porn. Well the good kind.
Joe Merrick: Despite his recent burial, I’m going to go for Benjamin. Yes, Guerrero and Benoit are always awesome to watch, same goes for Angle and HBK, etc, but every time I see Shelton in the ring I just know he’s going to surprise or amaze me in some way. All I think this guy needs is a little charisma boost and he’ll be right up there with the best of the best soon enough.
Witzdude: Ooooh, tough choice, but I’m going to say that Samoa Joe is the wrestler of the year here. I didn’t want to choose Eddie here, simply because I felt like his death would make me consider him over more deserving candidates, so I disqualified him from my ballot. I nearly picked Angle or HBK for putting on a great match at Wrestlemania and carrying dismal opponents through 3 star matches (Cena/Hogan). Joe gets the prize because he has entertained me every time he has wrestled in TNA, without a fucking doubt, and is sitting on one of the coolest on-air characters in wrestling right now. Congrats Joe, and no the prize isn’t made of chocolate.
26)MATCH OF THE YEAR (other than my Ass and your Face)
the nominees: HHH Vs. Flair in a cage(Taboo Tuesday); HBK Vs. Angle (WM 21); Joe Vs. Daniels Vs. Styles (Unbreakable); Awesome Vs. Tanaka (EWC ONS); HBK Vs. Shelton (RAW); Edge Vs. Matt Hardy (Unforgiven); Jeff Hardy Vs. Abyss Vs. Sabu Vs. Monty Brown (Bound For Glory); HBK Vs. Angle (Vengeance); HHH Vs. Batista (Vengeance); Cena Vs. JBL(Judgment Day); Daniels Vs. Styles: Iron-man (Bound For Glory) Money In the Bank Ladder match (WM 21); Samoa Joe Vs. AJ Styles (Turning Point);
Sean Carless: Angle Vs. HBK: WM 21. As much as I loved Awesome Vs. Tanaka at One Night Stand, it was more a car wreck than anything. Almost like watching an episode of Bum Fights where two guys with nothing on the horizon, beat the fuck out of each other because they really have nothing to live for....
As for HBK & Angle, it had everything I love about wrestling. Psychology, timing, and a great, mark-out finish. By the end I was actually standing, yelling like a psycho for Michaels to "tap" when Angle snared him in one last ankle lock. The Fact that this match actually got me off my fat ass is a testament to its greatness.
James Walker: This might surprise a few people, but I feel as if Tanaka/Awesome was the best match of 2005. A lot of the others were technically sound and told a great story, but this match told an even better story: these two guys like to beat the piss out of each other. Sure, there was little psychology involved, but I have a theory on that; save the psychology for the important matches. On the ECW PPV, there were NO important matches, and there was no story to build on, so the idea of having these two guys completely be unrealistic and kicking out of shit that would “injure” a WWE wrestler for 2 weeks was fantastic. They pieced together an extremely fun match, where they key was to forget about selling and have a good time. On top of it, it showed exactly how Awesome should have been used, a big ol’ fuck you to WCW and WWE.
Justin Shapiro: I feel that the best match was the match between Shawn Michaels and Kurt Angle at the pay-per-view Wrestlemania 21.
Doctor Gonzo: Tough category with the Daniels/AJ match being well up there. I loves Angle/HBK at Mania as well as the money in the Bank Ladder match that Shelton was the MAN in. Awesome vs. Tanaka was worth the PPV alone, and I love hardcore garbage wrestling. This is a tie for Styles/Daniels and HBK/Angle and I may have to go with HBK/Angle JUST ahead of Styles/Daniels, but don’t hold me to that. And that isn’t even counting the Samoa Joe matches which I heard were spectacular.
Remy: This hasn’t been a great year for stellar matches, in my opinion. With guys like Batista and Cena on top of the card, there hasn’t been much focus on quality in-ring work. HBK, Angle, Benjamin, and several others consistently put on good matches, however, so instead of picking one specific match, I’d have to say anything involving those wrestlers who actually went out and fucking wrestled. Also, all of ECW ONS.
Michael Melchor: Shawn Michaels and Kurt Angle put on a wrestling clinic at WM21. Ignore the dumb bastards that chanted “boring” at the beginning that couldn’t grasp the concept of “ring mechanics” and basic holds as a feeling-out process; these two slowly built up the tension into an explosion of spots that made sense and one of the most dramatic endings to a match in several years. Hats of to both of them.
Canadian Bacon: Money in the Bank! Although if I was Edge, I’d keep it in a real bank and not a briefcase so I could get some interest on it! It’s just COMMON SENSE.
Cameron Burge: I need to give the nod here to the Money in the Bank ladder match at Wrestlemania. As over-booked as the whole confrontation was, it was showcase to a plethora of great wrestling with Jericho, Benoit and Shelton standing out. Of course, everyone can agree that Shelton’s "Ladder Run" was the "Holy Shit" moment of the night and will be one of the high spots of his career without a doubt. To put it frankly, no other match had as much action, good wrestling, and intrigue as this one seeing as how the culmination of his results still haven’t come to fruition (Edge is holding onto that briefcase for as long as possible as if it were his first born child).
Renee: You guys may not agree but the match with HBK & Shelton Benjamin stole the show for me that night and in my mind can be referred to as what I want to see in wrestling all the time. The PPV’s were all let downs and early endings, but right on network television we where graced with one of the best fucken one on one matches I’ve ever seen in my life. I will always refer to that match as one for the books without a doubt.
Richard Waters: Some high profile matches, such as Cage from TT and Styles/Joe I haven't seen. I recently got my hands on the triple threat (Styles/Joe/Daniels) and my God what a great match. Better then WMXX? No, but it was so unreal either way. Felt like the insane spotfests we have in SD! games. Great treat and excellent ending. Also Samoa Joe sucks.
Joe Merrick: As much as I loved the HBK/Angle matches and the Money in the Bank ladder match, I just could not fault the Awesome/Tanaka match at ONS. THIS was what ECW was all about, and this feud was one of the very best for the company, and neither of the lads half-assed it. You could tell every last bit of their heart and soul was in this match, and they made me mark out like an absolute bastard. It also gets points for Joey’s hilarious brutal burying of Awesome throughout.
Witzdude: I hate to sound like Freda here and keeping picking TNA stuff, but Joe vs. Daniels vs. Styles was one of the best matches I’ve ever seen period, let alone of the past year. Every fall meant something, every hold was full of emotion, and best of all, it wasn’t all high spots. There was a display of wrestling in that match that I haven’t seen in a main event since Benoit vs. Angle. Think about what that statement means. Honorable mentions go to Styles vs. Joe at Turning Point for being a great booked match and HBK vs. Angle for showing everybody how wrestling SHOULD be.
27)The BENNIFER Award for Worst Match of the Year:
the nominees: Teddy Long Vs. Eric Bischoff(Survivor Series); Cena Vs. JBL (WM 21); Big Show Vs. Akebono (WM 21); Batista Vs. Coach (Taboo Tuesday); Edge Vs. Matt Hardy (Summer Slam) Tomko & Conway Vs.Snuka & Eugene (Taboo Tuesday) Tomko Vs. Cena (RAW); Ashley Vs. anybody...
Sean Carless: I guess this Award all hinges on what your definition of a bad match is. If it's just sheer letdown then JBL and Cena from Wrestlemania XXI packed all the punch of a quadriplegic; but if its just "absolutely painful wrestling" then that honor belongs to Teddy Long Vs. Eric Bischoff, which is my clear-cut choice. One overweight Ninja against a dude that looks like he's had 2/3rds of all his bodily fluids drained (Damn Teddy, how much of your blood did they take when you had Hepatitis?) does not a compelling match make. Any which was you slice it, whomever booked that match deserves to be punched right in the soul.
James Walker: While all were abominations of this sport, none were more ridiculous than Batista VS Coach. We all know the history, but I just want to offer the cliff notes. 1: It started because of the JR Situation. 2: They wanted to job Austin, the highest drawing wrestler of all time, to an announcer. 3: Conveniently forgot the match stipulation. 4: It brought back Goldust and Vader. 5: IT BROUGHT BACK GOLDUST AND VADER. Toss in a convoluted match, falling off a ring apron, and orbital diarrhea, and I think it couldn’t get anyworse than this here.. umm.. ‘athletic display’.
Justin Shapiro: Hunter vs. Jim Ross in that 45 minute long match that main evented Raw and gave Ross months of blurred vision.
Doctor Gonzo: This sounds obvious, but Big Show vs. Akebono was absolute trash. Not only was it a terrible “match”, it killed the crowd and I saw more fat man taint than I ever want to. It looked like a road maps covered in oil. I don’t want to think about it anymore.
Remy: Any match involving a hoss who is only in the business because he’s a hoss. I’m looking at you … REY MYSTERIO! So many shitty matches to choose from, how do I decide? I guess I’d have to go with the Edge vs. Matt Hardy series. The whole thing was just one big let down.
Michael Melchor: Teddy Long Vs. Eric Bischoff. Didn’t see it. Don’t care to. It may be unfair to call this a -***** stinkeroo without even having seen it, but, for those of you that did, am I wrong? Didn’t think so.
Canadian Bacon: Big Show at wrestlemania against that Sonny Bono who obviously survived that tree and hid his death from us all in the hallowed halls of Sumo! (I suspect Elvis did the same thing).
Cameron Burge: Big Show takes on Akebono in the year’s single most pointless match. And is it just me or is it sad that two of the nominees for this category were from the show that is supposed to be WWE’s biggest event of the year? Big Show never looked more ridiculous (except maybe when he was covered in shit) and I’ve never been more horrified to see a man in a diaper in my life.
Renee: Teddy Long & Eric Bischoff, made me want to vomit. Long's skinny as legs still haunt me. Please let’s not talk about this ever again.
Richard Waters: Big Show vs. Akebono had better of gotten WM21 big buyrates. That was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen. My Mom walked by and asked me WTF she paid $50 for. At point which I started to cry.
Joe Merrick: Edge vs Matt Hardy, for being the single biggest ‘Ooh man, this is gonna be kicka-…it’s over?’ moment in not just wrestling, but ANYthing.
Witzdude: Cena vs. JBL at WM 21. A main event match at Wrestlemania that contained little to no wrestling and no false finishes. These guys didn’t even mail it in, they just showed up and went through 1 or 2 of the motions and then went home. That is not how a main event match should be. It was just JBL beating on Cena for 10 minutes, then FU, 1, 2, 3. What? What a letdown and Cena’s career as champion was nearly over before it began.
28)BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT SINCE FAKE TITTIES WERE INVENTED (most improved wrestler of the year)
the nominees: Shelton Benjamin, Carlito, JBL, Edge, Matt Hardy, Rhino, Bobby Roode, Christian, Christy Hemme, John Cena;
Sean Carless: JBL. JBL has come a long way since the days of "Bradshaw", and over the last year has developed into a credible Main-event wrestler. Although, not the greatest catch as catch can wrestler that ever lived, JBL can pull off a good match under the right circumstances, and ALWAYS delivers in a promo. In fact, by virtue of that prolonged title reign, anyone in the locker room that beats him now gets an automatic rub (You know, instead of just getting one in the shower room...).
James Walker: So, I’m going to be a dick here and vote someone not on the list. Well, not someone, but a group of people. I’m talking about the TNA booking committee. Ok, sure, Jarrett is STILL champ… but hey, we aren’t having Nascar drivers pinning world class athletes, are we? The booking committee this year last Dusty Rhodes, and the Jaretts, while gaining Scott D’Amore and Mike Tenay. Fact is, while the main event still isn’t the hottest shit alive (that title belong to me, thank you very much), the undercard has vastly improved, and we’ve gotten quality programs such as AJ/Joe/Daniels, AMW/Dudleys, and Abyss/Sabu. As soon as they realize that Jarrett can draw as well as a blind retarded amputee, then I might even buy their product.
Justin Shapiro: Well is it true what they say about it? Yes. Christy was the most improved. Self-improvement is, as we all know, the best reason to fire someone. What are they striving for anyway? Who the hell do they think they are?
Doctor Gonzo: Christian has always been good and under appreciated. I’ve always said that he has been able to reinvent himself more so than any wrestler in recent memory and hit GOLD with Captain Charisma, but I feel his wrestling style has always been solid. Shelton on the other hand jumped out of nowhere (he was great in Team Angle) in that his style changed and he was able to put on a solid match night in and night out. He has become a great singles wrestler, but under utilized.
Remy: Chris Masters. He went from really shitty, to just shitty. There is something to be said for an improvement like that!
Michael Melchor: JBL has taken the style of a brawler and honed it to a craft. His matches aren’t workrate classics, but they don’t have to be. He knows, after spending so many years in the game, how to tell a good story simply with his fists and his power repertoire. Vastly underrated to this day.
Canadian Bacon: Prolly Carlito. Or Shelton. Or Both. Actually I liked their feud a lot, but was kinda disappointed Shelton didn’t ever bring in some watermelons to counteract Carlito’s apples! It seemed so obvious! Weird.
Cameron Burge: Matt Hardy, who managed to make it back into the company against all odds (albeit only to be buried moments later). After making the scene he showed that not everything was hype and wrestled his best matches in years despite being jobbed out in nearly all of them. Congratulations Mr. Hardy in all your effort in being the best wrestling jobber Smackdown has ever seen.
Renee: Before she left, got fired, sucked Trips balls, pissed off Steph, or what have you. Christy did her damn thing. Every time, though few, she was in the ring you noticed an improvement. She oozed the willingness to learn and was getting pretty damn good. I sorry she had to go, cuz I would have loved to see her advance.
Richard Waters: I have to give Roode credit here. He's a great talent. Solid stable and a great worker. I have enjoyed his work lately. A shame they didn't hold off the Monty feud and have him and Christian break in for a while. Good match they had!
Joe Merrick: I would have said Carlito, because at first I saw him as a total and complete waste of space, and now I actually find him very entertaining, except the guy STILL HAS NO FINISHER. So therefore, I’m picking JBL. Again, this guy just pissed me off by being in the ring, but now I see him as an imposing force to be reckoned with (something that half the SD locker room would have told me a long time ago)
Witzdude: Oy, these are my choices? Edge and Cena seemed to get worse as the year wore on, and JBL, while he has a main-event style now, still only uses a total of 8 moves in the ring. I’ll give the nod to Matt only because he seemed to improve his in-ring style by adding a few more moves to his repertoire and bulking up “somehow”.
29)I'D BUY IT... IF I COULDN'T STEAL IT (PPV of the year):
the nominees: WMXXI, WWE Vengeance, ECW One Night Stand, TNA Bound for Glory, WWE Summerslam,TNA Unbreakable;
Sean Carless: ECW One Night Stand. Best PPV of the last 4 years. However, the hilarity of Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio standing up for "hardcore", while JBL, Snitsky and Tomko crashed the party in honor of "pure wrestling" was not lost on me.
James Walker: What do you get when you mix good-great wrestling, scathing shoot promos, surprise matches, and the best nostalgia around? ECW One Night Stand. This PPV had one thing going for it that none of the others could even come close to replicating; the feeling that you were watching something special. ONS was most definetly special, as for a brief period of time, we forgot all about Hunter holding people down, the cruisers going nowhere, the non existent tag division.. and we simply enjoyed 3 hours of a damn fine production. There was no PPV I was hyped up more for than this one, and it STILL managed to exceed my expectations. The fact is, ECW One Night Stand was the only PPV that managed to blow me away.
Justin Shapiro: Vengeance was the best show top-to-bottom, discounting the to-middle’s 25 minutes of Viscera & Lillian & hos.
Doctor Gonzo: Since I never saw all of Bound for Glory, I’ll have to go with ECW One Night Stand as I have not enjoyed a PPV that much in a LONG, LONG time. Great PPV even though so many of the stars looked like actual large gaseous objects, slowly expanding to supernova status.
Remy: I actually did buy ECW ONS. In fact, it is the only PPV I bought all year. Worth every fucking penny.
Michael Melchor: ECW One Night Stand, aside from being a welcome nostalgia trip, showcased everything that was good about wrestling. Emotional returns, (mostly) excellent matches, and the joy of hard-hitting wrestling all in one neat package. And I’m very glad that a watered-down version of the ECW “brand” didn’t result from this, as that would have killed it all.
Canadian Bacon: The adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl on Viewer’s choice. Shark Boy looked different than he does in TNA though.
Cameron Burge: Fuck WWE. Lets give it to Bound for Glory for giving TNA a small foothold in the wrestling world to stand on. And don’t listen to Todd Grisham if he calls you a retard for liking TNA, because frankly, nobody gives a shit what he thinks (even WWE).
Renee: ECW One Night Stand. It’s what wrestling should be!
Richard Waters: I wish I could've seen Vengeance. Seemed like a hell of a card. And it marks two important things: HHH losing HIAC & Christian's first (IIRC) and last WWE title shot. :(
Joe Merrick: One Night Stand without a doubt. Sure, a couple of the first matches were a little disappointing, but just to see Awesome, Sabu and Sandman wrestle again was like a dream come true (admittedly you’d have to have had some pretty fucked up dreams). Couple that with excellent commentary by Joey Styles (I choose to ignore Foley…) and career-best promo’s by RVD and Heyman, and you have a true classic.
Witzdude: Like Meltzer said, One Night Stand was the PPV that changed the wrestling world….for one night. It was a great PPV that gave me a nostalgic look at what ECW was really about: haphazard clusterfuck matches, insane high spots, and giving the finger to WCW and WWF. If only Terry and Raven had been involved, it would have been a complete night.
30)WENDY WHOPPERS "BEST PAIR OF THE YEAR" (Best tag team)
the nominees: AMW, Team 3D, MNM, Big Show/Kane, Naturals, Hassan & Daivari, The Super Heroes, Eddie & Rey Mysterio,
Sean Carless: MNM; Kind of like going to a dance filled with fat ugly girls, and picking out the least disgusting, MNM wins by default here.
James Walker: Despite rarely wrestling as a tag team, Hassan & Daivari get my nod. They arguably created more controversy than anyone this year, so much so that they were kicked off TV for – a first for actual wrestlers in the WWE. What I liked about these guys is they really seemed like a legit team with very different personalities; it seems that nowadays, tag teams are either two guys thrown together or indistinguishable drones. They complimented each other very well, and were more over than 95% of the roster. These guys made the biggest impression upon the industry, good or bad, I commend them for it. Plus, their music is sweet.
Justin Shapiro: MNM is in actuality a trio!!! And with the additions of Kid Kash and Mark “Fat Dude” Henry, they are now known as KMFDM.
Doctor Gonzo: I have been a fan of MNM since day one (and not just for one particular person who seems to have more camel toe than the Arabian desert), and will continue to love them until they turn face.
Remy: My right hand and my di … Erm, I guess I’d go with HBK and Hogan, just because I loved seeing HBK turn on him. Just wish he’d won at Summerslam too. Oh well.
Michael Melchor: America’s Most Wanted is still the best team since The Eliminators. Team 3D has tag team wrestling down to a science, but AMW, with their flow and solid work, wrote the book on said science. Aligning themselves with Jarrett doesn’t even diminish that, as Harris and Storm retain their teamwork and have even added a vicious streak. Nice stuff.
31)FULL-FRONTAL FEUDITY (Feud of the year) the nominees: HBK/Angle; Joe Vs. Daniels
Canadian Bacon: America’s Most Wanted. I still think it’s cool that the FBI lets them wrestle in TNA though despite the fact they’re on the lam criminals. (Harris & Storm musta done somethin’ real bad to be atop the government’s list…even more than that terrorist Osama Ben Kenobi! Wow.)
Cameron Burge: Eddie/Rey was an excellent feud and an even better tag team with some of the best wrestlers in the business being on the same team, what could go wrong? Albeit one half of the team was only one half of a man making their total memberage about 1.5 normal wrestlers. Still it was a great way to feature the talent of both men without and a good catalyst for their later feud.
Renee: Honestly, and I’m looking at it from an impact point of view and I pick MNM for this one. They actually saved the tag division on SD this year and have been a force to be dealt with constantly throughout the year.
Richard Waters: Eddie and Mysterio were a treat to watch. Tag team, feuding... they owned. Best angle of the year. Oh yeah... Fuck Mysterio. THE FLEA~!!!!!!!!!!!
Joe Merrick: MNM for three reasons. Melina’s left breast, Melina’s right breast, and Melina’s ass. Seriously though, I like these two because they seem like one of the very few ‘real’ tag teams left, as opposed to just a random wrestler being paired off with Tajiri, Kane, Rey or RVD.
Witzdude: MNM, they are the only tag team that are pushed in WWE at all, and yet still manage to remain entertaining 90% of the time they are on TV. Plus Melina’s entrance is fucking hot.
31)FULL-FRONTAL FEUDITY (Feud of the year)
the nominees: HBK/Angle; Joe Vs. Daniels Vs. AJ; HHH Vs. Flair; HHH Vs. Batista; AMW Vs. Team 3D; Cena Vs. Angle; RAW/SD! VS ECW; Edge Vs. Matt Hardy; Hassan Vs. UPN;
Sean Carless: Edge Vs. Matt Hardy. This was the first feud in years to transcend wrestling, and had a lot of drama. Just the fact that Hardy's popularity alone forced the WWE to abort their abysmal Kane/Lita angle in favor of reality was almost enough to make me pick it alone. And hey, at least in the end, the good guy won. Hey, what do you mean he lost? Score one for ADULTERY.
All that aside, Matt has seemingly moved on with his life, and even hooked up with another emo-punk who blows a shitload of spots in Ashley. However, about 7 months ago, in an attempt to help Matt get on with his life, I actually enrolled him in an online dating service, in hopes that he'd be able to find the right woman, and live happily ever after...and all without ever having to wonder why she has a map of Mexico tattooed on her inner thigh. Here's the submission as it originally read in my world famous Back-Leg Frontkick:
"For those of us who have been following the Matt Hardy/Lita/Edge situation, we all know Matt isn’t exactly taking things that well. And who can’t relate? All of us at one time or another have had a woman put the screws to us, so much so, that just like Matt, the only comfort we can find seemingly is in the unforgiving world of gun-toting vigilantism.
Anyway, it’s time to turn that frown upside down, mister, and get back on that horse! (not Lita)
So, with that said, I’ve taken it upon myself to get that ball rolling and help you become that Sensei of Mattitude we all know and love! See, in my travels on the Internet, I came across a website sponsored by Esquire magazine (meh, don’t ask) called “Brutally Honest Personals” where all the pretensions of regular dating are eliminated, in favor of: THE TRUTH. See, finally, there’s a place where the woman of your dreams can await you, and all without having to deal with the rumors and secrets of your previous squeeze. With “Brutally Honest Personals” you’ll never have to wonder why people like Danny Doring always seem to buy Lita gag gifts like rain slickers and umbrellas, again.... because, you’ll know all their deepest darkest secrets AHEAD of time!
But hey, I know what people are thinking; “He’s a professional wrestler, and avenger of wrongdoings! Surely he can get his OWN women, no problem!” But I think I know better. While most people would put you on a pedestal, I know that you’re just a regular guy, and you put on your purple amoeba pajama pants one leg at a time just like the rest of us. So, to spare you the trouble, I HAVE enrolled you at Brutally Honest Personals myself!
Here’s is the Profile I submitted. As per their request, I filled it out as honestly as possible….
Name: Matthew Moore Hardy
From: Cameron, North Carolina.
Weight: 225 lbs.
Sex: Sure, why not?
Sense of humor: None.
Living Situation: Currently alive.
Length of last relationship: I think she was about 5’7”.
Children: Almost. I truthfully believed my now-Ex was carrying my child, but unfortunately that turned out to be the child of a seven foot demon who blackmailed her for sex in exchange for not killing me, and so he could carry on his evil legacy through offspring. (true story).
Occupation: When I’m not wrestling, I hunt down those who do wrong to others and punish them accordingly.
Turn ons: Guns and ladders, but maybe not in that order.
Turn offs: Overweight teenage girls (this one might get me in trouble ), mask wearing Mexicans (I have my reasons), FECES; long-haired Canadians with too many teeth who steal other people’s girlfriends, especially while their boyfriend was off rehabbing his knee and writing really cool new facts about himself, while that same FECES gets all the opportunities while
I, he sits at home plotting my his revenge.
Scars, birth marks etc: YES!!!! And it will become a symbol!
Best pickup line: The scar will become a symbol and Matt Hardy will be that symbol because the physical Matt Hardy that you see in front of you will one day die, but the spiritual Matt Hardy will never die. I will not die. I will not die. Matt Hardy, the Angelic Diablo, will not die." -- (this usually starts working after they have about a half dozen Black Russians.).
Special talents or abilities: I’m really good at jumping off really high objects, yelling really loudly and unintelligibly whenever I climb things; and I make this hand gesture A LOT, which I’m surprised to hear pleases the ladies a great deal.
Looking for: I’m looking for a woman* who’s never been to Mexico (I have my reasons) and who would never have anything to do with a lousy Canadian, even if he had long blond hair and carried a strange brief case everywhere he went.
*Also, you must wear a thong, answer to the name “Amy”, and possess the ability to do full somersaults off high places.
Final words: Maybe you're just the MF'er I'm looking for! Let’s hook up. Just you and me, a table for two (that I promise I won’t smash you through) and a quiet evening listening to the many quirky facts about me. (we can talk about you later) Veeeeeeee Oneahhhhhh!
Well, there you go, brother- man. And, Matt, when you’re getting a little TLC (no pun intended) with one of these
lovely ladies, you can thank me.
Ontario Chapter of MF'ers. (Actual Motherfuckers).
James Walker: It might sound weird, but I’m giving this to Edge & Hardy. Sure, creative completely botched up this absolute gift of a storyline, but when it came down to it, this was the most real feud of the year. I won’t get into how they could have made it better, but these guys still managed to put out 3 stellar matches (Cage, Stage Bump, Ladder), and we didn’t have to believe in any convoluted bullshit to get in their matches. These guys have legit hatred, let’s see em beat the hell out of each other. The thing about this feud is, for a short while, we all shared a mark-out moment. Kayfabe was broken, and we loved it. (At this point, I realize I’m just firing off one liners about this feud, so I’m going to stop sounding like a douche bag and move on. Thanks.)
Justin Shapiro: Mrs. Crabtree or no Mrs. Crabtree I have to choose Rey Mysterio vs. Eddie Guerrero.
Doctor Gonzo: I have heard nothing but greatness about AJ vs. Daniels vs. Samoa Joe, but alas I never witnessed any part of the feud, so I cannot comment. I’ll have to go with the one I did see and liked a lot, and that was Angle/HBK. I didn’t really care for the buildup because all I cared about was the match, which did not disappoint. The feud was whatever though, and all the other feuds I saw sucked balls.
Remy: The feuds have sucked so far this year, I must say. HBK/Angle was good, but too short. Angle/Cena … well, Angle’s not champ, ‘nuff said. I guess I’d have to go with HHH/Flair. I actually really loved this feud, and it had the most intensity out of all the feuds this year.
Michael Melchor: Angle and Michaels take this one, too, for one simple reason: Sherri Martel. Angle’s beef was that Michaels was considered “The best” despite never having competed on an amateur level. When Angle went to top everything Michaels did before their WM21 showdown, Angle brought out Martel to state who was the best. One good Shawn Michaels video later, Martel, tears in her eyes, mouthed, “That’s my boy.” That simple statement of emotion and pride showed us how far Michaels had come since he started, the trouble Angle would have stopping the “Showstopper”, and the matter of competitive pride that was at the center of this entire program.
Canadian Bacon: Kurt Angle versus HBK at Wrestlemania XXI! It was a bigtime awesome match. Kurt pulled it out in the end even though HBK had the jesus in his corner in a bigtime spiritual fashion. I suspect jesus wasn’t there in person because he didn’t approve of Shawn’s glittery ass chaps. The son of God always wore conservative sandles and robes and such and would prolly expect HBK to follow suit. (Ultilizing a little Sweet Chin Organ Music wouldn’t hurt either)
Cameron Burge: Can anyone really say that the battle broken necks against broken backs can be topped by anything else? Angle/HBK was probably the best wrestled feud of the year, even if the rubber match between the two (which really sounds more like it’s a Condom on a Pole match) ended in a draw and nothing more was ever heard of it from then on.
Renee: I pick Trip vs. Batista because it was so anticipated for so long. The fans were actually fucken aching for Batista to hand Trip his ass and take his title. This was one angle that totally delivered from the build up. The aftermath was a bit sloppy but the ultimate feud was great!
Richard Waters: Sadly HHH/Dave was the best feud this year. Good build, okay matches, good build. Build was the best part. HHH/Flair could've been that match. Good bouts, but they really dropped the ball. After HHH killed Flair... nothing? He takes it out on my Dad and his car! :(
Joe Merrick: Hassan vs. UPN. It got him a lot of heat and a lot of controversy, and you know what they say about bad publicity. It doesn’t exist. Only downside of course was how it/Undertaker was executed. On its own would have gotten the right amount of controversy. Although it wasn’t his fault (Hassan’s, not Snitsky’s) London getting bombed (The city, not Paul…actually, both) at the same time is what really fucked this up. Honorable mention to Batista/HHH though, with one of the best builds I’ve seen in a while.
Witzdude: I was going to pick the Joe vs. Styles feud of the past month (damn, that was a great fucking angle), but since that isn’t a choice, I’m going to go with HHH vs. Flair. It resulted in some great matches and some great promos from both Hunter and Flair. HHH has never looked more vicious and Flair has never looked like more of a babyface in peril fighting against the odds (except maybe in his Starrcade win against Vader). Honorable mention goes to Taker vs. Cena for stretching it out a year and remaining mildly interesting.
32)"LIKE SCROTUM, HERE IT IS IN A NUTSHELL" (Single defining moment of 2005, good or bad)
the nominees: Eddie passes away; Matt Hardy/Edge/Lita love triangle; Batista's rapid rise to the top; WWE Vs. UPN Censors; ECW's success; JR's demotion; WWE moves back to USA; TNA debuts on Spike TV; Christian starts a new in TNA; John Cena has some mainstream success; Bret Hart and Vince reconcile;
Sean Carless: Eddie Guerreo dies. This was a year of A LOT of craziness, hilarity, and sometimes out right stupidity, but everything was eclipsed and forgotten the moment the news that Eddie had died came down the wire. Wrestlers dying young, tragic deaths seem to not be a rarity these days, but Eddie was clean, (well his back might not have been if that acne was any indication), at his career peak, and seemingly on his way to the World Title once again. The saddest part is realizing that last year's most memorable moment (Eddie and Benoit celebrating their title triumphs at WM XX) is one that will never happen again. Because he's dead, you see. And not because that'd mean HHH would have to not main event - and win. Ahem.
James Walker: Eddie’s passing. For such a poor year of wrestling, this is the worst of them all for all the wrong reasons. Eddie was the complete package, having the ability to have the best technical match of the night, and still have that Hogan-esque charisma, where anything he did drew pops. Eddie was dynamite with anything he did, and could take the stupidest stuff and turn it into gold. I loved watching Eddie, and that’s all I have the power to say. Eddie will be remembered for years to come, and while some details will fade away, Eddie won’t.
Justin Shapiro: The Dr. Hiney skit was emblematic of Vince’s total meltdown regarding both talent evaluation and quality television. And, like WWE in 2005, it was enveloped by ass.
Doctor Gonzo: A few things stood out to me, but this is for a SINGLE defining moment, so I’ll have to go with the passing of Eddie Guerrero. Not only did this affect wrestling fans worldwide, BUT people who watched wrestling when it was popular and stopped since knew Eddie, and could not believe when it happened. Even my dad who doesn’t watch wrestling talked to me about it. This was the single WORST and most defining moment of the year.
Remy: Eddie’s passing, without a doubt, was the biggest event of the year. Even now, when I think about it, I still have a hard time believing that he’s really gone. This is one of the bigger events in wrestling of all time, frankly, let alone the year.
Michael Melchor: After all is said and done, after One Night Stand is fondly remembered as a potential resurrection, after Batista’s dominance of Triple H is recalled with glee, after the story of the pathetic love triangle that was Edge, Lita, and Matt Hardy is forgotten, after the defections of Rhino and Christian are analyzed, after Raw’s return to USA and JRs demotion from Raw after 12 years are picked apart, 2005 will sadly be remembered for the loss of Eddie Guerrero. An excellent worker who became more entertaining than he had a right to be, Eddie brought a great flair to the ring and an underdog’s fulfillment to the WWE Title. Sadly, years of drug abuse caught up with him, and should teach anyone in the business that relying on substances to keep your spot can end up fatal. Just ask a man that was taken seemingly too soon.
Canadian Bacon: Read my latest Bacon Report for my bigtime thoughts on many of these topics! It’s kinda sorta AWESOME and great even.
Cameron Burge: There’s a lot of good ones to pick from here, and it’s really hard to decide, but I guess because it had the most impact on the industry than anything else, Eddie gets an honor here. Nothing else, anyone could have done simply changed the way the industry was going at the time. It’s my personal belief that his death was the catalyst for Vince’s new drug policy, something that should have been instituted a long time ago. I also think that the passing of few others could be considered as terrible an event as this, going to show just how loved a man Eddie was to everyone, both the fans and the wrestlers.
Renee: I hate to say it but The Matt/Lita/Edge triangle brought a major point to surface in realizing how much power fans really do have. Face it, Vince had no control over that horse no matter how much he tried to appear that he did. The end result showed that he too will eventually cave into public demand even though he made it look like it was on his terms and power. The MLE situation was a feud that we the fans won, hands down even though the talent involved sucked ass!
Richard Waters: Eddie dies is the moment of the year. Did not see it coming. :(::::
Joe Merrick: Well for me the funniest moment this year was logging onto wwe.com one morning to find something called the ‘World Top Five’. I look to see what it is about, and am greeted with a picture of Vince McMahon’s grinning kisser accompanied by the World Top Five logo, which was a big golden ‘WTF’. It was taken off about half a day later.
On a more serious note, Eddie passing away was the moment that we will remember this year. So tragic knowing that last year’s moment was him celebrating with his best friend Chris Benoit, only for him to be lost this year.
Witzdude: Fuck. Eddie passing away, without a doubt. I actually cried twice during the Raw tribute show, and I’m not ashamed to say it. Eddie’s death summed up a lot about the wrestling business, and the risk involved with it. Most of all, it proved that demons can come back to bite you in the ass, even if you’ve escaped them. I don’t know how long the new Drug Policy will stay in place, but I hope it does for a long time, if only to prevent something like this from happening again. Eddie was one of my top 5 favorite wrestlers of all time, and earns the #1 spot for proving to me that a man CAN beat his demons, no matter how bad things get. Vaya con Dios, Mi Amigo.
33) TWF WRITER OF THE YEAR 2005:
This year, we decided to change things up somewhat and present two Writer of the Year Awards. The first of which was voted upon by YOU, the readers of The Wrestling Fan.com; and the second being a very special Award voted upon by the WRITERS themselves, then presented to that individual who best personified TWF (Choice had to be someone who has written a column during the 2005 calendar year) and who has set a standard of consistent quality through out the Calendar year. Click here for 2005 respective "Writers of The Year!"