Welcome to the 2nd Annual FANNY AWARDS. The Fanny Awards aren't just a collection of tastelessly named Year-End Awards...they're actually...ah, who are we kidding? If you're familiar with this site, you know that the Fanny's are our version of the Super Bowl - only we don't snap each other in the asses with towels, and take homoerotic showers together. Usually.
1)THE FALSE FINISH. This is the award that
honors one legend, saying "I can't fucking believe
he/she lived another year."
the nominees:
Superstar Graham, Fabulous Moolah, Mae Young, Scott
Hall, Jake Roberts, New Jack, Jerry Jarrett, Afa, Steve
Williams, Dynamite Kid. TWF's own Jason Hart;
Harry
Simon: Ah,
the field is as strong as the odor from Ray Traylor’s
corpse. I feel like I’m Scott Hall in a “31 Flavors”
shop with only enough money for one cone (and at the
rate his career has been going lately, that soon may be
more than just an analogy). Anyway, I’m gonna stand by
my main man, Dynamite Kid, because he can’t do it
himself. (Fun Fact: Dynamite is now confined to a
wheelchair!) A career full of pills and steroids hit
Dyno harder than a snap suplex, and his latest “lowspot”
was getting part of his leg amputated. He’s currently
under 24/7 death watch, much like TNA.
Doctor
Gonzo: I
once again have to go with the walking oxymoron, Mae
Young. Last year she got my vote by a landslide, and
this year she gets it again. I've come to the conclusion
that her bones are calcified, and not the from the drink
of pornstars.
Dave
Gagnon: Jake
Roberts: He's still alive because he sucks out the life
of the snakes he starves to death. Or exercise. Who
knows?
Justin
Shapiro: I
won't believe you're gone until WWE acknowledges your
death, so ... Crash Holly.
Richard Waters:
Mae Young: She's so old that I bet she remembers where
she was when Lincoln was shot. Can someone please
explain to me what has she done to deserve anything? I
know she's only melted from the chamber whenever a young
talent needs some poon tang pie, but wtf? And how is she
classified as a legend? Scott Hall? New Jack? Um no.
Renee: I actually think it's a tie
between The Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young. They both
have reach death's door and it's amazing that they can
still find work.
Christopher Freda:
Mae Young - I mean she is the oldest on here so, you
have to give the nod to her.
Brad
Macleod:
Wow, this is a tight one. Well, New Jack stands tall for
his suicidal work, and because someone is going to want
to kill him someday, but, I will go with Mae Young. I
think Muhammed Ali has more physical presence about him.
I am sure she is just embalmed, or something. The Pope
is more animated.
Cameron Burge:
Scott Hall. The man has tried both drinking and
overeating and he's still standing. When can he just
roll over and die already? I'm sure we could make use of
him afterwards by selling the oil in his hair for
perfume or something.
Canadian Bacon:
Sadly, I
think Stu Hart is the next to go.
Michael Melchor:
Mae Young will continue to get my vote for this award
until the old bag dries up and withers off of my TV
screen. Fuck the Atkins AND the South Beach Diets - best
way to lose weight is to see this old bitch rub that
cobweb-laden, yeast-infested, grilled-cheese-lookin
cooze in someone's face. I DARE ya to try and enjoy a
sammich after that visual.
Sean Carless: As much as I wanted to choose Jason here (whose liver now resembles a yellow, paint laden sea-sponge), I think I’ll have to go with my pick from last year, and a man who likely resembles that remark as well: Scott Hall. Poor CholesterHall. Every year he seems to think up fun new ways to obliterate his body, this year deciding to give his liver a reprieve, while his heart picked up the slack as he traded in his Colt 45 and Thunderbird seemingly for buttermilk and heavy gravy. I'm starting to think the poor bastard has just cut out the middle-man altogether and just decided to use his entire torso as a keg. I just hate to think where the nozzle is.
2)YER FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Best instance of
a company giving some fuck-up his walking papers.
the nominees:
JBL (from CNBC), Cat, Grandmaster
Sexay, Chavo Classic, Jamie Noble, Billy Gunn, Sable.
A-Train;
Harry Simon: I really didn’t think anyone was going to
one-up Chavo Classic. The legendary Double-C got smashed
at Cauliflower Alley and made a legendary spectacle of
himself, then no-showed some house shows without
bothering to tell anyone (not even his brother or his
son) where the hell he was.
But lo and behold, Jamie
Noble’s asscheek gets infected from a needle…AND HE
TRIED TO WRITE IT OFF TO THE WWE’S INSURANCE. The WWE
couldn’t shitcan him fast enough. For this great moment
in wrestler stupidity, Jamie-San and his infected ass
gets my vote. But you know what’s really funny about
this? Now Noble and Nidia really ARE like a trailer
trash couple; they’re unemployed!
Doctor
Gonzo: Billy
Gunn, simply because we all know the real story behind
that. That had to be the happiest day in a while for me
simply cause I hated this bastard.
Dave
Gagnon:
Grandmaster Sexay: Consider this: Lawler quit when his
daught...err...wife got fired but his son got fired
twice and Lawler never complained. That shows you how
important Sexay is.
Justin
Shapiro:
Chavo's final days in the company were truly Classic.
The only shame was that he came back to drop the
cruiserweight belt instead of using it to murder a
hooker before fleeing the country.
Richard Waters:
Billy Gunn, although there are many other fine
selections. You take a guy who never amounted to
anything and we hardly ever saw on WWE TV. Yet as soon
as he is released the masses whine and complain about
the firing of "talent" and the hiring of Divas. Well Joy
has worked harder on her skits from SD! then Billy Gunn
has since he won the King of the Ring. As Sean would
say, just saying.
Renee: This one I give to Sable
because she should have never been allowed to come back
in the first place. She basically came back on a man
hunt, got her dick and left with it. Once Brock comes to
his senses, she'll be back in the WWe looking for a new
one to rub.
Christopher Freda:
A-Train - Finally they unload this 300 and something
pound tub of pure human excrement.
Brad
Macleod: The
BEST instance, from this list, is the Cat, bar none. The
bastard can't wrestle, can't dance, and is a waste of TV
time. The worst on the list is Jamie Noble. THAT was a
REAL bad idea. Oh well, TNA needed the talent, anyway.
Cameron Burge:
Grandmaster Sexay. He shuffled down the isle then he
shuffled right back out, never to be heard from again. I
almost feel sorry for him though. If he could have
stayed longer, he could have replaced Rikishi with the
"Ass man" gimmick, since he was increasing in size at
the rate of Apache Chief (nobody's gonna get that
reference).
Canadian Bacon:
Jamie noble.
How come you can get fired fer sticking a needle in your
bum? I stick things in my ass all the time (turkey
baster, number two pencils, etc.) and I’m still going strong in
the workplace; so what gives? I thinks theres more to
this story than meets the eyes. Personally I think it
was hygiene. Why else would he all of a sudden start
wrestling without his pants? I think he musta had to
burn ‘em cause they had the ass stink so bad. Hey it
happens. My cousin Madison once wore a pair of corduroys
for two years straight and the ass-end looked like my
uncle barry smoked a carton of ciggerettes through it.
True story.
Michael Melchor:
Have to go with Chavo Classic here. At your age dude,
you should be lucky to even HAVE a job, much less walk
around like God's gift.
Sean Carless: Billy Gunn. Like an early Christmas present, Billy finally danced his way out of the WWE altogether, when the company let him, and a slew of midcard no-hopers, go this past fall. And this was after passing out in the dressing room, before being sent to rehab. Silly Billy. With guys like JBL running around, is the locker room really the safest place to fall asleep? Talk about earning your nickname.
3)POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR. Backstage
maneuvering should be rewarded in year-end awards, just
like it's rewarded in real life.
the nominees:
HHH, Jarrett, UT, Nash, Randy Savage (for no-showing
then coming back to TNA) JBL (for still getting the belt
despite the Germany controversy) Bob Holly (There has to
be a reason he's still employed)
Harry
Simon: Oh
man, another tough one. In a squeaker, I’ve gotta go
with Undertaker for managing to snag himself one
horrible high-profile PPV match after another, and never
actually laying down or tapping ONCE. Oh yeah, and for
single-handedly squashing the most decorated tag team in
the history of the industry at the Great American Bash.
But really, there are no losers in this field. Well,
except for talented wrestlers and the fans.
Doctor
Gonzo: HHH
has been at a minimum lately, I don't watch TNA, and JBL
didn't deserve the belt before the Germany. Best
politicking of the year if i had to choose would go to
HHH though because he managed to fire one of the longest
tenured WWE employees, and fucks the boss's daughter. I
think he wins this one.
Dave
Gagnon: JBL:
Despite imitating nazis in Germany, offending
homosexuals and keeping the Bashams on the payroll, he's
still the champ.
Justin
Shapiro:
It's Undertaker because everyone gets down on their
knees for him a la former president Bill Clinton and
Intern Monica Lewinsky's sex scandal, LOL!
Richard Waters:
Jarrett: Yes the poor man's Triple H. There is one thing
that we as fans can figure out from the comforts of our
home: you cannot be a wrestler and head booker. I see
TNA as one big backyard wrestling scene. And Jarrett
would be the annoying loser who demands he be champion.
This is the type of guy who refuses to let anyone do
moves to him, yet insists that he gets to powerbomb
everyone through the boxes. It doesn't work that way,
pal.
Renee: Bob Holly has to be strokin'
something to still be employed after manhandling just
about everyone that crosses his path. I've never seen
such behavior tolerated this much.
Christopher Freda:
This is a tough one between Cripple H (Fucking &
Marrying the bosses daughter) and Triple J (Being the
bosses son.) I'll give to Triple J, because he WANTS to
be Cripple H and just for that he should be hit in the
cock with a baseball bat with spikes driven through it.
Brad
Macleod: I
would say a tie between Jarrett and HHH, but Jarrett is
blood, and HHH is fucking the boss's daughter AND
running the boss's company. It don't get no better than
that.
Cameron Burge:
Triple H. Who else could get away with stealing the show
away from the World Champion by having a match with a
retard? He even headlined a PPV without being
champion(Clique in a Cell) and I personally feel that
the title match should ALWAYS be the main event.
Canadian Bacon:
my favorite
politician is gotta be Moosewater Saskatchewan’s own
mayor the honorable “Diamond” Jim Gillespie. The man who
passed the law that people could no longer savagely
murder the homeless when they come wandering into
town. Cause of this bylaw we now have to club them to
death in the privacy of our own national parks or even
alley ways thus allowing them to die with the dignity.
Thanks Jim for cleaning up this city!
Michael Melchor:
I've traditionally tried to avoid this, but this year
Triple-H wins it. He's all over TV and has once again
kept his stranglehold on the title (save for the
summer). We won't even get into his marriage or any of
that...
Sean Carless: Definitely that one guy in his respective company who utilized nepotism with "Dad" to earn another painful World Title push this year. You know, the guy who takes dudes out by swinging an inanimate object; and who kicks out of everything? Ya. That guy. Fuck him.
4)STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE:
(wrestler who's gained the most weight)
the nominees:
HHH, CholesterHall, Tazz; JBL; Eric Bischoff, Tammy
Sytch;
Harry
Simon: Ah,
about time we had an easy pick. CholesterHall handily
decimated all other competition as if this were a
pie-eating contest. Which I guess it kinda is.
Doctor
Gonzo: Tazz
gets this award hands down, especially if he's holding a
chicken wing. After watching the ECW DVD I forgot how
fucking buff Tazz was. He was a scary, bad ass looking
bastard, but now I looks like a deep fried twinkie. Hey
where's the cream filling?
Dave
Gagnon:
Tammy Sytch: From the looks of it, she ate Skip...AND
Zip...and probably Bart Gunn.
Justin
Shapiro:
It's poor Tammy Sytch. But they could all be on that
weightloss reality show My Big Fat Obnoxious Body.
Richard Waters:
Hall for sure. I never watch TNA, but the way the net
blasted him made me want to see a picture. I guess what
they say is true. When you give up alcohol you're likely
to start filling it with food. But Hall reached his
rehab goal and is no longer controlled by his demons.
Because that's what weak people do when they see
conflict. They go straight to the booze. Good job Hall.
Now have another shot of pancake...
Renee: This one is easy, Mr. Sack O
Snacks himself is easily oozing past the others. And has
the nerve to have a fitness book out. LOL. Tyson Tomko.
AKA Dick Head. He has nothing to offer anyone in the
ring. Half the time he misses his fuckin finisher and
he's one of the most awkward individuals I've ever seen
in the ring. He looks totally uncomfortable and
overwhelmed. Waste time and money.
Christopher Freda:
Cripple H,
my God man, and NOW you put out a work out book? STEP
ONE: Open box of donuts. STEP TWO: Eat ENTIRE BOX. STEP
THREE: Fall Asleep.
Brad
Macleod:
Tammy. At least the others can fit into their old
tights.
Cameron Burge:
Tammy Sytch. It’s like she suddenly gained what I call
"Garfield Syndrome" or something. When I first found
some recent pictures of her I thought Rosie O'Donnell
had dyed her hair blonde and taken up being a wrestling
manager.
Canadian Bacon:
Eric
Bischoff! The worlds only overweight karate ninja! I
imagine his weapon of choice would prolly be a couple of
turkey legs strung together like the nunchucks! That way
he could smite his enemies and still have a nice
balanced lunch as he tippy toed to his next killing!
Michael Melchor:
Tammy Sytch, by a metric ton - which, I believe, was
about how much she gained.
Sean
Carless:
Tammy
Sytch. Damn! Between Sunny and his Ex-wife, Julie, I’m
seriously starting to suspect that Bret Hart’s “seed” is
99% butter.
What a waste. Who’d ever think that
someone would be better off on crack?
5)PUSH THAT MAN!......INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC: (for wrestler who is least deserving of a Push.)
the nominees:
Slyvan Grenier, Tyson Tomko, Jeff
Jarrett, Mark Jindrak, Gene Snitsky, Kenzo Suzuki,
Heidenreich, Maven;
Harry Simon:
Mark Jindrak. Even Gene “Baby Killer” Snitsky and John “Cole Sodomizer” Heidenreich can be entertaining in a bizarro “guilty pleasure” kinda way. Jindrak has shown ZILCH over the four years he’s been pushed off and on.Doctor
Gonzo:
Jindrak has proven that he is an absolute waste of
space, and yet he is still getting a push. Hey he's the
Billy Gunn of a new generation!
Dave
Gagnon:
Heidenreich: They are pushing Heidenreich into our
throats much like Heidenreich pushed his little Johnny
into Michael Cole.
Justin
Shapiro:
"Kane said 'Snitsky is a dead man.' Let me repeat that,
and I quote, 'Kane said, "Snitsky is a dead man."'" FUCK
THIS GUY
Richard Waters:
Tomko. I don't mind new characters. They can be hosses,
small guys, etc. They can even be bad wrestlers. But one
thing I demand is that they HAVE A FUCKING CHARACTER!!!
Renee: Tyson Tomko. AKA Dick Head. He has nothing to offer anyone in the ring. Half the time he misses his fuckin finisher and he’s one of the most awkward individuals I’ve ever seen in the ring. He looks totally uncomfortable and overwhelmed. Waste time and money.
Christopher Freda:
Heidenreich you roided out Brock Lesnar rip off. Not to
say that Cock Lesnar isn't roided out mind you.
Brad
Macleod:
Heidenreich. Can't wrestle, can't act, can't talk. Simon
said he sucked.
Cameron Burge:
Jeff Jarrett. I’m sick and tired of Hunter 2.0 stealing
away precious moments of my life every time I break down
and actually switch to TNA Impact. And that guitar of
his, can he even PLAY it?! What the hell is up with
that? Just because he’s from Nashville (or somewhere in
the south at least) he needs a damn instrument? Also the
guy hasn’t worked a decent match in the last five
fucking years, and he talks like somebody just punched
him in the face fifty times when he cuts a promo. In
short, he’s a useless bag of shit that’s taking up
valuable oxygen.
Canadian Bacon:
I’d never
push a wrestler, that’s just foolish. They outweigh you
by atleast a hundred pounds and are trained with
clotheslines and somesuch! I’d prolly just shoot them
instead.
Michael Melchor:
John
Heineyreich. He's okay at best in the ring and I still
can't deal with a character based on the most gruesome
scene from "Deliverance".
Sean Carless: Mark Jindrak. At least guys like Snitsky and Heidenreich (who combines poetry and sodomy in a way not seen since the glory days of Leaping Lanny Poffo) have attempted develop a unique character. What is Jindrak’s gimmick? Besides being able to "JUMP REALLY, REALLY HIGH." Since when is that an accomplishment? "Ya, he may be as boring as fuck, but man, you should see the vertical leap on this kid." Oh ya? Call me when he can do it so high he disappears completely from view.
6)LT. WORF MEMORIAL "CLING-ON" AWARD: (for the wrestler who has stayed employed through all odds.)
the nominees:
JBL, Sylvan Grenier, Tyson Tomko, Mark Jindrak, Bob
Holly, Stevie Richards, Val Venis, Rosey. Hurricane;
Paul London; Christopher Nowinski;
Harry
Simon:
Dancin’ Stevie Richards is like a cross between genital
herpes and Bob Backlund in the 1993 Royal Rumble; we
just can’t seem to get rid of him. He’s already a top
nominee for 2005, too.
Doctor
Gonzo: Once
again Stevie gets his for this one. Like a cockroach,
he'll always survive.
Dave Gagnon: Bob Holly: He must be good at something, if you catch my drift.
PS: For those who didn't
catch my drift, I meant that he was good at sucking
cock.
Justin
Shapiro: I
thought Stevie was done for all the way back in March
when they took him away from Victoria. But miraculously,
Flowerlessly, he has held on and even outlasted his
nemesis Test.
Richard Waters:
Nowinski: I never liked the guy. Period. Maybe it was
his cocky attitude. But he has been injured for how
long? He may never wrestle again. Why is he still
employed? They fired Test with a broken neck. Hell Gail
and Jazz were wrestling ON THE ROSTER. I don't get it.
Renee: This one I give to Val
Venis. Mainly because he survived that whole Chief
Morley thing with Bischoff and still was able to bring
it back home to the good old ladies man. He manages to
be a formidable stepping stone for up and coming
wrestlers and is still able to get respectable pops from
the crowd anytime.
Christopher Freda:
First off, how the hell is Paul London in this category,
he's probably the best wrestler on the roster not named
Benoit or Guerrero. This award goes to JBL for being a
redneck, nazi sympathizing, republican, rookie hazing,
useless, pile of shit.
Brad
Macleod:
Nowinski is still employed? Wow, JBL must really like
him. He takes it well.
Cameron Burge:
Stevie Richards. Two Words: Cross Dressing. That is
usually the final sign of a man about to fired, or leave
a company. Look at Saturn and his skirt in WCW. He
worked one of the worst matches EVER against Tomko in a
squash nobody cared about. He was turned into the
running gag of the Raw Battle Royal for #1
Contendership. Hell, Vince even publicly made fun of him
on Raw prior to the match. HOW THE HELL DOES THIS GUY
STILL HAVE A JOB?
Canadian Bacon:
Cling- on? I
don’t understand. My teacher in health class always
taught us that if we wiped properly and bathed our anus,
we’d never have to worry about that. I also find wiping
a glade plug-in on your balls helps, too. Anyways, out
of the choices you gave me I’d prolly go with Rosey
cause hes kinda fat and would prolly have the hardest
time wiping; (although with all those jungle trees in
his native Samoa, its just laziness if u ask me)..
Michael Melchor:
Hardcore Holly, by a landslide. How many more
prospective main-eventers is he going to injure before
Vince gets the clue and boots his bucktoothed ass out of
the company?!
Sean
Carless: JBL. Not since the days of
Shillinger on “OZ” has one man combined ass fucking and
Nazism into one package and been so successful.
7)I WOULDN'T KICK HER OFF MY FACE (Most fuckable woman in wrestling)
the nominees:
Stacy Keibler, Trish Stratus,
Molly, Victoria, Lita, Gail Kim, Traci Brooks, Trinity,
Torrie Wilson, Miss Jackie, Dawn Marie; (or feel free to
write in your own winner)
Harry
Simon: While
the mind is aroused at the thought of what a now-jobless
Gail Kim will do for some money and coupons, I’ve still
gotta pick Traci, from NWA TNA. Ever see her? ‘Nuff
said. Sadly, last year’s winner (Molly) hasn’t been the
same since the haircut. Off to the recycle bin you go! Doctor
Gonzo:
Trinity steals this from Victoria and Stacy, even though
she reminds me a bit of Vicky herself. Some of the
outfits she wears are stunning in their simplicity yet
ultimate sexiness. I want to wear her like RUN DMC's
clock chain. Dave
Gagnon:
Lita: I may be in the minority but I find Lita to be
quite amy-licious. I wouldn't push Lita out of the bed
unless she wants to fuck on the floor Justin
Shapiro:
Trish Stratus can carry me to a **1/2 star match -- of
sex!!! Richard Waters:
Hiroko! All the other women have their flaws. Stacy has
no tits. Trish is untouchable. Molly is not allowed to
not wear pants. Victoria is insane. Lita loves Matt.
Gail has no butt. Torrie is gross. Miss Jackie loves the
Haas. Dawn is close. Hiroko is THE WWE Diva of the
Millennium. Renee: I'd have to say Stacy
Keibler wins this one. It's the legs. Christopher Freda:
Give it to
Dafney aka Lucy, I don't care if she is retired. I love
me some goth gal action. Brad
Macleod:
Good God almighty. Victoria, Victoria and Victoria. A 3
way tie. Or, maybe a 3 way with Victoria and Jackie. Cameron Burge:
I would take Lillian Garcia any day of the week. She’s
good looking and she has a voice I can listen to without
scratching my own eyes out. Better yet, she doesn’t
waste my time with sub-par matches and whiny bitching.
She’s the perfect wrestling girl.
Michael Melchor:
After watching "Turning Point", Tracy Brooks gets the
last-minute Sean
Carless: Trish Stratus. I'd even show
her my patented "Man-Kick." It'd at least buy me a few
minutes to have sex with her before she woke up and had
me arrested.
8)EVEN WE WOULDN'T HIT IT. (Who was the
most unattractive woman of the year?)
the nominees:
Goldilocks, Joanie" strap-on" Laurer, Tammy Sytch, Jazz,
Eddie's wife, Jason's Fat Mom.
Harry
Simon: I
call her Fuglylocks for a reason, ya know. But in all
honesty, with the rest of them, at least you could say
you nailed someone who once had star power, and thus,
become a male rat (the secret dream of every guy who
watches wrestling). With Fugly, there’s not even that.
Hey, if I just wanna nail an ugly, annoying chick, I’ll
go in an AOL chat room. Doctor
Gonzo: Dawn
Marie who was absolutely stunning in ECW has turned into
a melted plastic muppet and turns me stomach inside out
she do. But, of the nominees, after seeing Chyna's dick,
i believe she is disqualified from this competition, but
being a chuvanist, I give it to her. Dave
Gagnon:
Tammy Sytch: I heard of more cushin' for the pushin' but
this is ridiculous. Justin
Shapiro:
Chyna. Where was the RTC when she and Pac were filming
their movie. Richard Waters:
Jazz. I don't think I need an explanation. Renee: Eddie's wife wins this one
hands down in my book. The woman (God forgive me) looks
like one of those amusement park mirror images. No!
wait!!!..I know who she looks like. She looks like
fuckin' Chunk from "The Goonies". Hey, Yoooou Guuuys
!!!! Christopher Freda:
Joanie... 1 night in China....(((vomits))) Brad
Macleod:
Gotta go with Jason's mom here. At least the rest are
women. Cameron Burge:
JAZZ! Ewwww. Although I actually wish the Rock’s wife
was a nominee. With all the money he has you think he
could pay to get rid of that nasty "Wicked Witch of the
West" nose she has going on. Back to the subject at
hand, I’m about as attracted to Jazz as I am good at
playing Jazz music.
Michael Melchor:
Eddie's wife, hell - try Eddie's MOM. I
had to talk my penis out of going into hiding after the
"heart attack" incident...
Sean
Carless: Hands Down (and penises…forever)
to Joanie “Chyna” Laurer. I promised I wouldn’t watch
her porn movie…but finally, morbid curiosity got the
best of me. And let’s just say there wasn’t enough
Pepto-bismol in the world to keep me from painting the
bowl that night.*shudder*. The worst part is that many
times I mistook Chyna for
Xpac, and thought that Syxx had just been
taking a quick dip in a cold pool before camera time,
but HOW WRONG I WAS. (very, apparently.). Damn it, Sean,
no wonder you had to go to rehab. How stoned would you
have to be? All I know
is, if I was him, I’d have taken one look at Chyna’s
“extra appendage” and used my “educated feet” to get the
fuck outta there….
9)THE DARSOW AWARD (For Wrestler who's
persevered through a TERRIBLE gimmick)
the nominees:
Eugene, "Straight Man" Charlie Haas, Shark Boy, Simon
Dean, Gene Snitsky, Kane; The Bashams; La Resistance;
Harry
Simon: Simon
Dean, easy. They stuck with him a Body Donna rehash, and
damned if he isn’t entertaining as hell. This channels
the spirit of Darsow better than anyone else this year.
What’s his is his, and what’s yours is his…and by which,
of course, we mean “WrestleCrap” and lots of it. Doctor
Gonzo: This
has to be Snitzky, even having a gimmick where he kills
babies, he has managed to get over. Even in the South
where baby killing=bomb on your front door. Dave
Gagnon: Gene
Snitsky: Shaking hands, killing babies! Snitsky even
showed us that he can dance! Justin
Shapiro: I
guess Kane made the most of it. Leetuh oh Leetuh. Way to
rape. Richard Waters:
Haas takes this. I loved the interaction with Miss
Jackie, and behold they would be an item later on. The
point is he has no character. Straight or not, it
doesn't make a difference. Renee: Straight man Charlie Haas. I
don't understand why they can't find anything to do with
this man. He's lucky the crowd seems to like him
regardless of the wack story lines they hand him. It's a
horrible gimmick for him, because he deserves and is
worth something more interesting. Hopefully we find out
he really is cheating on Jackie. Then maybe we can work
with him. I hate diggin' a guy just because he's a nice
guy. I need more. Christopher Freda:
Charlie Haas, he's a fantastic worker. RIP Russ Brad
Macleod:
Well, this one is a tie between Shark Boy and Eugene.
The others have the strength to shine through the
gimmick. Well, the Bashams didn't really survive, did
they? And Eugene still has great charisma and talent. So
the winner is Shark Boy. Cameron Burge:
Eugene. From the short bus to the squared circle, Eugene
has come a long way to find a place in our hearts.....aw
who am I kidding? It’s funny to laugh at handicapped
people.
Canadian Bacon:
Darsow? In
that case prolly Shark boy cause he’s the only one with
a darsow fin. (I took the biocolology in high school for
6 years straight) Michael Melchor:
Rico, for persevering the odds and playing the
Obvious Gay Man and going on to a main-event spot--oh,
wait...never mind...make that Charlie Haas for still
being employed after that fiasco.
Sean
Carless: Gene Snitsky. The man who
took the pro choice movement to disturbing new levels
- and all without having to go elbow deep in your
privates with a vaccum cleaner.
10)THERE IS A GOD! For the moment when
Lady Luck gave us a lapdance.
the nominees:
Maniqua demoted to OVW, MSG crowd
shits on Goldberg-Lesnar, Benoit gets a "Clique-killer"
push (including PPV main event wins at RR04 and WMXX),
Billy Gunn fired (FINALLY), a totally Steph-less year.
Harry
Simon: MSG
crowd shits on Goldberg-Lesnar. God bless NYC. They
hijacked a stinker of a match and turned it into a
“train wreck classic.” On the scale of “Wrestlemania
Guilty Pleasures,” Goldy-Brocky is second only to
Butterbean-Bart. Doctor
Gonzo: All
of these are worthy, but I really loved hearing MSG just
boo the shit out of Goldberg/Lesnar. It was surreal and
just a memorable moment. The mark died that moment. Dave
Gagnon: For
the record, for me, a totally Steph-less year was the
equivalent of Lady Luck barfing on me during the
lapdance. Even a moderated Benoit fan like me finds this
one to be a no-brainer. Justin
Shapiro:
Benoit Benoit Benoit. Richard Waters:
Benoit's push. Too bad Lady Luck isn't Hiroko. I was
psyched for Benoit to take the title from Lesnar since
his win at No Mercy. And to put matters worst he moved
to Raw to do the exact same thing. Gave me a reason to
never watch SD! again. Thanks Trips. Renee: I have to say a totally
Steph-less year has done it for me. To not have to hear
the piercing voice, see the bulging eyes, linebacker
shoulders and horrible managing skills has been a
blessing. Christopher Freda:
Benoit's
Wrestlemania win. Brad
Macleod: I
don't know. Nothing on this list really strikes me as
over the top. I guess the Benoit wins are the ones I am
going for. Cameron Burge:
Steph-less year! I think I may just throw a party for
this one. For years her voice has reminded me of nails
on chalkboard and FINALLY I got a well deserved break
from it. The only downside to this is I don’t get to see
the finally returned to face Y2J call her a skank whore.
Canadian Bacon:
I only had a
lap dance one time before they banned me forever from
The Shaking Beaver. (something about not being allowed
to take put ur dink in them or something). Anyways outta the choices
here I’d have to go with Billy Gunn just cause it was a
BALF FACED LIE when Jim Ross said he was the bestest
athlete in the wwf. He was a dirty faggoty cowboy and
not an athlete! And last time I checked milking pigs
isn’t a sport. (although maybe it should. Trying to grab
those tiny teets would likely be exhausting) Michael Melchor:
This is a close one, but Billy Gunn's firing wins out
because it means I never have to see him in WWE again!
(At least until Vince feels sorry for him and brings him
back, anyway.)
Sean
Carless: Chris Benoit's short run - a
victory for guys with disproportionate arms everywhere!
High five! Or low. Whichever's easier there for
ya, Kuato.
11)BURIED ALIVE. Most frustrating burial
of the year. the nominees:
Eddie, Benoit, Jericho, Booker, Dudleys, Bashams, Ultimo
Dragon, RVD, Tajiri, Rhyno, Haas.
Harry
Simon:
Ultimo Dragon. The rest, at least, had the requisite rap
of “We tried one lousy angle with him and it didn’t get
over right away, so we dropped it altogether.” Ulty
didn’t even get that one chance. The guy’s WWE legacy
will be for tripping twice in the space of a minute
during his intro at WMXX. He has brought much shame upon
his household and must now do the honorable thing by
committing hari-kari upon the calcified implants of
Stephanie McMahon. Doctor
Gonzo:
Benoit and Eddie get this one. I explained it a previous
few times. Also, to get buried you need to have some
sort of push, and nobody else has had a significant push
really. Dave
Gagnon:
Eddie: From WWE champ to jobbing to Mark Jindrak... But
Eddie is high on life! And coke! Justin
Shapiro:
Eddie Eddie Eddie. Richard Waters:
More of a tie between Eddie and Benoit. More so Eddie
because Benoit is still seen as the top guy second to
Randy and HHH. Eddie was being buried as champion if you
ask me. How many times did he have to beat the Bashams
before anyone didn't care? Renee: I say The Dudley's for this
one. What was the point in putting an almost twenty time
winning tag team on a show if your not going to use
them. There not even on Velocity. Great misuse of
talent. Christopher Freda:
Eddie, they let him climb the mountain, just so they
could throw him off. Come back to ROH Eddie, we still
love you. (Guerrero worked at Era of Honor Begins on
2/23/02 & Night of Appreciation on 4/27/02) Brad
Macleod:
Well, Booker, Duds, Bashams, Ultimo, RVD, Tajiri, Rhyno
and Haas never REALLY lived enough to get the most
frusterating burial. And, Jericho hasn't really come
back to life in a while, so the draw goes to Eddie and
Benoit, from Main Event Champs to Mid-Card Monkeys in
the matter of 2 months. So sad. Cameron Burge:
Jericho. I want him to have another World title reign so
bad I can hardly see straight. Sure he’s still
entertaining as hell, but there was just something
special about him when he had the Undisputed Title that
just left after Hunter squished him under the hell of
one of his grimy little boots. I could always look for
another IC reign, but he got knocked out of
contendership for that by Shelton. Now he’s just sort of
stuck in limbo with no real direction to go in except
serve as fodder in the Elimination chamber come January.
Canadian Bacon:
We once
buried my friend Julius alive when we wrapped him in my
grammas shag carpet and threw him into the ravine,
killing him. Luckily he wasn’t mad though when he came
to. Anyways, I think benoit would have the most trouble
with being buried because he has tiny arms and they’d
prolly limit him shoveling the dirt off himself no
doubts. Michael Melchor:
Rob Van Dam. All Vince has to do is let Paul Heyman book
just his storylines and he'll finally be as
popular as the company wanted him to be in the first
place. Sean
Carless: Eddie Guerrero. He lies... on
his back and gets pinned too much. Fuck you. That's all
I got.
12)SO GREEN, HE/SHE'S BROWN.
the nominees:
Tyson Tomko, Heidenreich, Gene Snitsky, Mordecai, Kenzo
Suzuki; Harry
Simon: Twice
on Raw, Tyson Tomko was booked in a tag match with
Christian against Y2J & HBK. Think about this: He was in
there with three of the four best workers on Raw (Benoit
being #1, IMO), and he still STUNK up the joint like a
Mark Henry hoagie. Then he also went on to have one of
the worst PPV matches of the year against Stevie
Richards at Unforgivable. The guy has absolutely nothing
going for him. How he survived when Rico and Gail Kim
were cut is one of wrestling’s greatest mysteries right
up there with “What was in Baby Doll’s envelope?” and
“The hell was Vince thinking?” Doctor
Gonzo: I
love me my Kenzo, so this goes to Mordecai for having
the fastest promotion/demotion in recent memory. This
guy's white couldn't even cover up the brown, peanuty
ooze sliding off of him. Dave
Gagnon:
Tyson Tomko: Expect him to go on to a feud with his twin
brother, Anthrax's Scott Ian! And Man Mountain Rock will
be the special ref! And...and...I lost my train of
thought, sorry. Justin
Shapiro:
Snitsky really is beyond green. He's like what a real
life version of Eugene would be. Richard Waters:
Mordecai: I'll admit with Vince that besides the promos
and the character itself, the guy did not have it. It's
a shame really because I was digging it. Then again we
wouldn't have Heidenreich. Whatever happened to him? Renee: Mordecai. So green he's not
even on the roster. The avenging angel never had a
chance with the fans. Sloppy in ring work and cover
finishers don't cut it. Thank God (ha) it's back to the
drawing board with this one. Christopher Freda:
Heidenreich Brad
Macleod: I
still disagree with everything bad said about Mordecai.
I like him. Tomko doesn't need to be great to do what he
does. Snitsky fits, and Suzuki shouldn't be here. Now,
Heidenreich....He just sucks. Cameron Burge:
Tyson Tomko. From his ugly ass Goatee, to his pitiful
attempts at looking like a dominating force to reckoned
with, this guy just can’t seem to get the hang of
things. The first time he attempted his finisher, the
Soprano Kick, on Jericho, he actually fell right on his
ass. That brings up another question: Why does he call
it the Soprano Kick? I would have figured him to be a
Bass(Warning: BAD Pun). What the hell is Tomko's purpose
anymore anyway? All he does is get his ass kicked. He's
like White Virgil or something.
Canadian Bacon:
I don’t know
if I understand the question. But to my knowledge (which
is huge and big even by the ways) I think Jeff hardy was
the only green wrestler this year with his paint &
somesuch. ( i hope its paint). Maybe he’s been bombarded
with the gamma rays like the Hulk? My cousin Madison
tried that once but he got cancer rather than super
powers, and a paid vacation from the power plant (and
not the cool one where Paul Orndorff makes you do Hindus
while squatting). Stupid Madison, he prolly didn’t do it
right/died. Michael Melchor:
Tyson Tomko not only has the single gayest name in
recorded wrestling history, but the man wouldn't know a
Mafia Kick if Michael Corleone left a horse's head in
his bed one night.
Sean
Carless: Tyson Tomko, the inventor of
the wrestling style known as “Catch as catch can’t”. In
fact, I heard God was actually thinking of destroying
the world again, and smiting us sinners, but then Tomko
wrestled Steven Richards at Unforgiven, and the Lord
said, "Scratch that. They've already suffered enough."
True story.
Maybe.
stiffie nod in this category...
13)THE OWEN HART MEMORIAL WORST "HOOK-UP"
AWARD (For worst Wrestling Couple, Real or Scripted) Harry
Simon:
Jackie/Charlie. By making their engagement part of their
storyline, they killed the most entertaining tag team in
the biz (Rico & Hass), sealed the fate of Rico’s career,
and worst of all doomed Haas to being booked like the
biggest pussy this side of Oprah. Still though, gotta
give Chuck props for marrying up. Honorable mention to
Heidenreich and Michael Cole. Doctor
Gonzo:
Jackie and Haas get this one for being the worst off
screen couple that can't even show chemistry together on
screen. This shit is TERRIBLE and there is no doubt that
this is the worst couple around. Dave
Gagnon:
Lita/Kane... Hey, I threatened to beat up Matt and I got
no nookie. What's up with that? Justin
Shapiro:
Worst hookup? oh snap. (Oh snap? oh snap.) Lita and
Kane. Richard Waters:
Jackie/Haas. Neither really has a character. These
on-air romances where two guys (or girls in Haas' case)
never work out for the better. I'm not talking about
their romance, but their characters on screen. We don't
care about love. Renee: Lita and Matt Hardy. I hate
that from the jump the relationship between Lita and
Matt has had to be a factor in almost everything these
two do. Everything boils down to the fact that they are
a couple. I don't appreciate getting gagged with the
relationship rope anytime I want to see either of the
two. They seem to be the only two that don't realize
that they both do better when they're not involved in
the same angle. Christopher Freda:
Lita/Kane...I mean...please. Brad
Macleod:
Lita and Kane. What a retarded move. Cameron Burge:
Lita/Kane. The wedding from HELL was saved by only one
thing...midgets. Midgets make EVERYTHING funnier. In all
seriousness, why would Kane want to marry Lita just to
do exactly what he was doing to her before? (and if you
don’t catch the innuendo there it’s your own damn
fault).
Canadian Bacon:
Chyna and
The XPac. I’m kinda jealous they gots to make a porno
movie together (it needed a horse though in my opinion).
Anyways I always liked chyna. She has the cutest adams
apple. Michael Melchor:
Lita & Matt Hardy. Not speaking of their real-life
romance (because, really, who knows?), these 2 couldn't
even ACT like they were in love. WITH EACH OTHER. That's
just sad. Sean
Carless: Tie. Lita & Matt Hardy and
Charlie Haas & Miss Jackie. What does it say about their
acting when two LEGIT couples can’t make me believe that
they’d ever be seen together in the same room let alone
really be in love? Well, that’s the case here. Hell,
the fucking robot from Lost in Space showed more range
than Charlie Haas proclaiming his love for Miss Jackie.
14)THE SHOCKY. Best blooper of the year,
(named in honor of Shockmaster, of course).
the nominees:
Tomko falls on his ass during his debut kick, Ultimo
slips twice in the space of 60 seconds during his intro
at WMXX, Orton blows his finisher on Raw (Evolution vs.
Jericho & RVD), the Jeffs (Jarrett & Hardy) fuck up a
powerbomb spot – TWICE (Victory Road).
Harry
Simon: Just
like I said at halftime, Tomko’s Tomkick was the truest
to the spirit of the shocky. Anyone can fuck up, but it
takes a special talent to fuck up within the first five
seconds of his TV debut. Did anyone check to make sure
that Tomko isn’t really just Nathan Jones with a goatee?
Has anyone ever seen him walking around backstage with a
handful of cookies and no glass? Doctor
Gonzo: You
did forget Goldberg not being able to open a door and
slipping on the entrance way and on the ropes (might
have been last year though), but I would sadly, have to
say Ultimo Dragon. This was his BIG debut at Mania and
he just EATS it. This was as bad as Brock missing the
shooting star, but not as funny. Dave
Gagnon:
Ultimo Dragon: Your lifelong dream is to wrestle at WM,
and your second lifelong dream is to wrestle at MSG. You
get to do both at the same time and you slip twice. Now
that's funny. That reminds me of the time I realized my
lifelong dream of meeting Rush's Geddy Lee and pissing
my pants right in front of him. And I slipped twice too,
so that's why I relate to Dragon.
Justin
Shapiro:
Tomko fell twice and KEPT FALLING for weeks to come. Richard Waters:
Orton blows the finisher. Never saw Victory Road. Who
did? Anyways the part I loved is that he fell and
Jericho just stood there and looked at him. So RKO goes
back to do it again. Renee: Tomko is the epitome of a
blooper. Blowing your finishing spot in your first real
match just shows how much of a pimple this man really
is. Christopher Freda:
Tomko, it just looked so fucking goofy Brad
Macleod: I
love the man, but the Ultimo slips were the most
embarassing thing I have seen since the Shockmaster
wall. Hardy is known to fuck up, so it isn't that much
news. Tomko runs a close second, but Ultimo is
established. He was one of the best high fliers in the
world. To slip (twice) at the biggest wrestling event
ever just sucks. I'd come back with out the trademark
mask, too. Cameron Burge:
Orton blows his finisher on Raw (Evolution vs. Jericho &
RVD). This was so bad it was ridiculous. In case you
don’t remember the set-up was as follows: RVD was
incapacitated (which he is probably used to) and Jericho
had Flair in the Walls. Flair looked about to tap out
when Orton came running up from behind. Orton attempted
to do an RKO to Jericho and MISSED COMPLETELY. Not only
did he miss, but he landed in plain view of Y2J who
proceeded to act like Orton wasn’t even there so that
Randy could perform the maneuver correctly. Instead of
improving a spot they simply redid it (as Jarrett and
Hardy would try but fall twice at Victory Road). The
spot had me both pissed off and in hysterics at the same
time.
Canadian Bacon:
The funniest
blooper this year for me was when my cousin Madison was
bit on the penishead by a lemur at the Zoo. (he stuck a
quarter in its ass). But for wrestling it was prolly
Ultimo Dragon. And I know how it feels cause im always
slipping on my cape. (I fashion myself somewhat of a
crimefighter). Michael Melchor:
It's a damned shame that I have to give this to Ultimo,
because that fuck-up is what cost him everything in WWE.
You don't embarrass yourself on the Biggest Show Of
The Year; that's BEGGING to get fired...
Sean
Carless: Tomko doing his best Nathan
"Got Milk" Jones impression. (Quick, someone tweak his
nipples and see what happens!).
15)YOU EXPECT ME TO SWALLOW THAT? (The
Most Obvious Gay Wrestler, Kayfabe or otherwise)
the nominees:
Jeff hardy, JBL, Heidenreich,
Sylvain Grenier, Rene Dupree, (feel free to write in
your own choice)
Harry
Simon: In a squeaker, the 11/30/04 Impact featured an angle that saw DDP and Raven
cut promos on each other talking about how they both
“partied together with Kim.” If that wasn’t bad enough,
Raven said “Don’t blame Kim, blame Erik Watts.” So of
the three lads, I’ve gotta give the nod to Raven if for
no other reason than he wears a dress and all his promos
lately feature him squealing like a bitch. Doctor
Gonzo: Renee
Dupree is a crazy homo, and the rumors that Sylvian was
Patty's butt dart board seems to be grossly exaggerated.
Dupree was taking that wild ride. Dave
Gagnon: JBL:
We should call him John Butt Lover. Justin
Shapiro:
Well, Feinstein would deff kiss u. But let's say Daniel
Rodimer. Richard Waters:
JBL. How else do you explain him wearing pants for years
and then suddenly going briefs? Renee: I'm going on my own choice
here and saying Bob Holly. I feel his frustrations with
younger men stem from a deep rooted desire to be in one
one of them. It's all that pent up denial and
uncertainty that is making him the animal he is today.
If he would just give in, he'd be a much happier
Hardcore. Christopher Freda:
Sylvain Grenier Brad
Macleod:
Rene. He even has a girls name. Fag.
Michael Melchor:
And John Heineyreich takes another Sean
Carless: Heidenreich - if only because
he fucked Michael Cole in the ass on live TV. That’s a
smoking gun/penis if I’ve ever seen one. But at least
Cole got a nice poem out of the deal, and not a donkey
punch, which is usually standard with these types of
acts. Trust me. I tend to not vary my style.
16)AHMED JOHNSON "CLOWN-SHOES' AWARD FOR
EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF RIDICULOUSNESS:
the nominees:
JBL, Heidenreich, Gene Snitsky,
Lita, Bob Holly; Harry
Simon: Yet
another strong crop o’ crap. How can it be anyone but
JBL, who is the five-month reigning (and counting) WWE
champion, complete with one main event payoff after
another despite having the worst consistent main event
title matches of any champ since Diesel. Then there was
the Nazi thing… Doctor
Gonzo: Lita,
or should I say, Hyabusa ver.2, proves every time she is
in the ring, that she is nothing but a joke. Nothing she
can do to prove otherwise. I would refuse to wrestler
her unless I got to bone her afterwards. By bone her, I
mean beat her to death with a bone. Dave
Gagnon:
Macho Man Randy Savage: He takes the time to produce a
rap album in order to get Hogan to fight him. When he
finally meets Hogan, he runs faster than Barry Bonds
before a steroids test. That's hard to beat. Justin
Shapiro: How
about Heidenreich and Snitsky share for their face to
face confrontation. Richard Waters:
Heidenreich. You can't seriously tell me anyone was
entertained by the guy. Heyman or not. The crickets were
chirping. Renee: I give credit when credit is
due and Gene Snitsky takes the cake on ridiculousness.
In fact he's so ridiculous, he's over more than any
other heel on Raw, besides SOS. Risky and outrageous
chance to take but, so fuckin nuts, it worked. Christopher Freda:
JBL Brad
Macleod:
Heidenreich. What a maroon. Cameron Burge:
Gene Snitsky. I have to honor the man with the GREATEST
GOATEE EVER (I just say that because I have one like it)
somewhere in here. The man, the myth, the Legend
killer....oops I meant to say BABY. The simple fact that
this guy got over at ALL is a miracle in itself and
needs to be rewarded. The best part has to be that he
presented himself as an actual world title threat to
Triple H prior to Survivor Series, and let me tell you.
That’s a match I wouldn’t miss for all the cash in the
world.
Canadian Bacon:
I always
wanted to own a pair of clown shoes cause you know what the ladies
say about a guy with big feet eh? They prolly have their
shoes custom made and thus prolly have lots of money!
(the bitches LOVE money) Anyways, I guess I’ll go with
Heidenreich even though he’d be a good guy to have
around if you was ever choking (He invented the
Heidenreich maneuver) Michael Melchor:
I don't care what anyone says, JBL did a damned
admirable job carrying the secondary brand while not
being given a lot to work with. Bradshaw earned my
respect this year.
Sean
Carless: Hulk Hogan. Hey, I know he
hasn’t wrestled this year, (or for the last twenty if
you want to be technical...), but still, he’s managed to
kidnap the headlines multiple times regardless. From
“shooting” on Randy Savage, (and not in that cool way
that two legit RAPPERS like them normally would), to
challenging Puff Daddy to wrestle for a hundred million
dollars, (Puffier Daddy?), all the way to mysteriously
taking his own daughter’s spotlight as a “singer” and
re-directing it onto his omnipresent chrome-dome, is
there anyone more RIDICULOUS than Hulk Hogan in life? I
mean, the fact the dude wears a weightlifter's belt
GROCERY SHOPPING should be enough to net this award by
itself. "I need it, brother! I tore every muscle
in my barn-door back lifting those 400
pound grapefruits, brother - as 100,000 screaming
maniacs watched on, dude."
17)DON'T GO AWAY MAD...JUST GO AWAY. (For
wrestler or TV wrestling personality you'd most want
GONE from Wrestling)
Harry
Simon: HHH.
Notice how much more into Raw you are when he’s not the
champ? Now imagine if he wasn’t on it AT ALL. Hell, I’d
start taping it on two different TVs. Doctor
Gonzo: I
don't care about Nash because he isn't on my TV because
I don't watch TNA. Undertaker still has a good match
every now and then, but when he is gone, I don't really
miss him. Plus when he shows up he just squashes people
left and right. No good there. Dave
Gagnon: I'd
say Jarrett but he is wrestling for TNA so he'll be gone
sooner than later. Justin
Shapiro:
Shitsky. Richard Waters:
Keep HHH and Taker sure. Kill the rest. Renee: Nash has this one for me.
Just because you change companies, doesn't make you a
better wrestler. He's an old and played shell of a
wrestler, trying to hold on to his last scraps of fame.
Time to gracefully (if possible) bow out while we can
still think of a few, and I stress few, nice things to
say about him. Christopher Freda:
HHH because the ripple effect would get rid of the rest
of them. Brad
Macleod: Got
to go for Heinyhead again. And, if anyone votes for
Taker, you will be hearing from me. Cameron Burge:
JBL. I almost picked Jarrett again, but then I realized
I want JBL gone if for the only fact I would never have
to hear COWBELLS passed off as theme music ever
again...........and he called me fat.
Canadian Bacon:
Prolly that
Bob Holly. But only because he gave up being Spark plug
Holly and THREW IT ALL AWAY to become this hardcore
joker. But still I heard that bob holly has the big time
bad temper and such so he was prolly blackballed from
racing altogether because of it (I suspect he may have
had something to do with Dale Earnhardt exploding too) Michael Melchor:
Hardcore Holly. And I'm glad I'm not an actual wrestler
because I'm sure that, after reading this, Holly would
go stiff on me in the ring. And THEN he would kick my
ass. Sean
Carless: Kevin Nash. Like hemorrhoids,
Nash always seems to return more painful and irritating
than the last time you seen him. There is no cream for
Nash, though.
18)Who's "Necks-t"? (Award for wrestler
most likely to get injured) the nominees: Edge,
Jeff Hardy, HBK (again), Nash, Angle;
Harry
Simon: I
like my picks the way I like my women; easy. In a case
of life imitating pun, Kurt Angle has the “Goldberg
streak” of neck injuries, so he’s the easiest and best
pick. The rest are worthy candidates, but face it: Hardy
could break his neck tomorrow and he wouldn’t feel it
for two years. Doctor
Gonzo: Now
THIS is the award I can give to Nash. I predict he tears
his bicep picking up a hair brush or a can of gel. Dave
Gagnon:
Angle, the Steve McNair of wrestling. I wanted to see
Santa Claus break his neck at Armageddon, only to give
him the "Crippler" push. Justin
Shapiro:
Hopefully Nash and hopefully quite comically. Richard Waters:
Nash. But really, who cares? Renee: I think Angle's just about
due for another injury. Apparently he works with
constant pain. Some may say that takes heart. True, but
it also means that you're a stubborn asshole who would
rather put their own body at risk just so that no one
can steal the show while he's gone. We'll be able to
stick a fork in him soon enough. Christopher Freda:
Nash, come one he takes a dump and tears his ass hole
out. Brad
Macleod: Oh,
tough call. Edge won't be, he is playing it safe. HBK is
just out of luck. Nash, though, is playing stupid and
working again. Jeff is too dumb to stay down, and I
believe Angle knows what he is doing. I am voting for
Hardy. Cameron Burge:
Nash. I’m surprised he’s made it this long. There is a
reason he’s known in the local wrestling circles here as
Captain Injury(yeah....we aren’t very imaginative...).
If you need further proof look at how he broke down and
cried like a girl during his big tag match on Raw the
last time he injured himself.
Canadian Bacon:
Prolly Shawn
Michaels. He’s ALWAYS getting hurt. (he even lost his
smile once, and you know to look at him you’d never know
he had a prosthetic face). Maybe HBK should start asking
God to put the big time healing on him
like jesus did with the Lazarus? It couldn’t hurt.
Michael Melchor:
Edge. HOW many pushes for this guy have they had to
interrupt because he slipped in one of Patterson's old
used rubbers and sprained his neck?
Sean
Carless: Kurt Angle. These days, those
gold medals wrapped around his neck are the only thing
keeping his entire head from falling off.
the
nominees:
Lita/Kane, Lita/Matt Hardy, Miss Jackie/Charlie Haas,
Goldylocks/Alex Shelley, Steph/HHH.
Cameron
Burge: Monty
Brown. A big bald dude in little polka dot shorts who
likes to "pounce" people? What could possibly gayer than
that?
unwilling male
asshole category in the awards this year.
the
nominees: HHH, Taker,
Jarrett, JBL, Tomko, Grenier, Heidenreich. Nash;
the nominees: Undertaker
murders Paul Bearer, Heidenreich tries to murder
Undertaker, JBL goose-steps, Big Show goes King Kong on
Torrie and Angle, Booker discovers voodoo, Jacqueline
wins the CW Title, WWE Originals, The Best Damn
Wrestling Event Period, the Diva Search, Tough Enough;
Harry
Simon: The Best
Damn Wrestling Event Period…wasn’t.
this two-night suck-o-thon was everything I hate
about wrestling kissing ass to “celebrities.” At least
the Diva Search led to one WWE personality accusing the
other of having “a cock (her) mouth,” which is a WWE
first. At least, IN FRONT of the camera, that is. Doctor
Gonzo: This
award is all Jackie’s. Not only did she kill the CW
title dead (It doesn't have the prestige it did after it
was killed last time and re-built), she was immediately
fired after her loss back to Chavo. Not only that, but
she killed a perfectly great "Chavo vs. the World" angle
that could have seen some great CW being brought in, or
some from the WWE, challenging Chavo for world prestige.
They killed that angle, and fuck you Jackie for being
the main reason. Dave
Gagnon:
Taker murders Paul Bearer: It was the funniest moment of
the year. You have the ref chastising The Dudleys
because they double teamed Taker while Heyman is KILLING
a human being! Justin
Shapiro: The
Cum Guzzling Gutter Slut Diva Search. Richard Waters:
WWE Originals. I would ALWAYS leave the room or change
the channel or talk REALLY LOUD when the commercial came
on. "Put a Little Ass On It" - Song of the Year!
Renee: Booker discovers voodoo.
This was the most embarrassing thing I've ever witnessed
as a wrestling fan. From the damn fortune teller, the
dirt from the unnamed grave, to the horrible acting job
by Booker T, I'm amazed Taker allowed that story line to
happen, it was so incredibly horrible. Christopher Freda:
JBL Goose Steps, I have a holocaust memorial tattooed on
my right calf, do I have to say anything else? Cameron Burge:
The Diva Search. As horrendously bad as the rest of the
nominees were, this still is the one thing that had me
wishing I was out playing basketball or something. Sure
they looked nice, but I try to keep my porn away from
wrestling. Call it a preference. I think I may have even
been able to handle this it had been given its own show
like the first two Tough Enoughs. But then the ho-bags
invaded angles, and now I have to see them weekly. They
walk around and suck up air that other more useful
people could be breathing. It just pisses me off.
Canadian Bacon:
Bret Hart and his faggoty ass Genie costume. What I
don’t understand is that, if bret had the mystical power
of the Jinn at his disposal and such, why couldn’t he
use it to save owen from falling off that cliff and
catching the death? At least send a flying carpet
to soften his fall! Kinda selfish if yous ask me. Michael Melchor:
Undertaker's
"Murder" of Paul Bearer. If for no other reason than we
STILL have no resolution to that story at all.
Sean
Carless: Definitely the Diva Search.
People come to expect stupid angles in wrestling, but
try EXPLAINING to non-fans why these women were
humiliating themselves on TV in events that had nothing
to do with wrestling - and just why I had my pants off
when they did. (Boston Pizza told me I could never come
back.).
20)"HOW ABOUT SOME CLEARASIL FOR THAT
BACK?!" Award for most obvious Steroid job
the nominees: Batista,
Gene Snitsky, Eddie Guerrero, Goldberg, Ryan Reeves from
Tough Enough;
Harry
Simon: I
think I put it best when I said “(Snitsky & Edge & HHH &
Batista) all had the expected backne, but Snitsky even
had FRONTNE, for fuck’s sake!” If you’d like to read
more about the history of steroid supergroups at the
Series and you can’t pass the credit check needed to get
a library card, go read the ‘Shmazz on this
past November’s PPV.
Doctor
Gonzo: Well
as much as I would like to vote Ryan Reeves simply
because he refuses to take his shirt off during the
competition before he was eliminated, Batista gets this
award for the second year in a row because his back is
more pimples than back. Dave
Gagnon: Gene
Snitsky. He's playing for the Yankees, right? Justin
Shapiro:
Snitsky has bacne and frontne and probably kneene. Richard Waters:
Nobody came to see Silver Back. Seriously. Christopher Freda:
Batista Brad
Macleod:
Can't vote. Never noticed. But, if I have to, Batista. Cameron Burge:
Ryan Reeves. If any real Silverbacks were on that much
juice they would probably die of a heart attack. He
looked like a bust of King Kong glued to the legs of a
12 year old for crying out loud.
Canadian Bacon:
There’s no
steroids in wrestling. HHH told us so in an interview
and I believe him. (why would he need to lie?) Michael Melchor:
A tough field to choose from, but Batista gets the nod
for having almost as many veins as he does muscles.
Sean
Carless: Gene Snitsky is definitely
the breakout star of 2004…. literally. I wonder
if you rubbed that Clearasil for Men on him if he’d
completely disappear?
21)EVEN MARLEE MATLIN COULD HEAR THAT:
(for wrestler or diva with the most irritating voice) the nominees:
Bill Demott, Michael Cole, Jeff Jarrett, Sable, Jerry
Lawler, Jim Ross; Lita; Don West; Harry
Simon: Bill
Demott is the worst wrestler-turned-announcer since
Hillbilly Jim. And without the benefit of
Hizzle-Bizzle’s “good ol’ boy” street cred to fall back,
that makes the former “Laughing Man” the worst
wrestler-turned-announcer EVER. Doctor
Gonzo: Come
on, how is Todd Grisham NOT nominated? Or Josh Matthews?
Of the people given, Michael Cole still pisses me off,
but I like my write ins better. Dave
Gagnon:
SCREAMING DON WEST! Justin
Shapiro:
"Mordecai. has just damned this audience. to hell." -
Michael Cole Richard Waters:
Sable vs. Demott. Whoever wins. We all lose. Renee: Poor Lita. Can take a bump
like any man and sound like one too. The fact that her
voice seems to have no range in tone floors me. No
matter what she says, how she says it or what she's
doing while she says it, she always sounds the same.
That deep, dull, half nasal, half druggie voice gives
Steph the best run for her money yet. Christopher Freda:
Don West Brad
Macleod:
Ohhhhh, stuck between Sable and West, here. Ah, shit.
Grandma Mero gets my vote. Cameron Burge:
Jim Ross. To this day it still amazes me how he forms
words without moving his mouth more than a centimeter at
best. when you can understand what he’s saying you still
have no idea what the hell he’s talking about, because
it’s always some obscure Southern Euphemism or such
bullshit. The only other things he knows how to say are
"Harlot" and "Hoss" I think. Canadian Bacon:
Marlee
Matlin is DEAF, dummy. She can’t hear anything.
obviously yous people never saw children of a lesser god
(I'm thinking Allah, maybe), which was glorious if I
recall, but to vote I’d say the persons voice who gets
on my nerves the most is prolly that Doug Basham. SHUT
UP ALREADY. Michael Melchor:
He's gotten
a LOT better since TNA's inception, but I'd be happy as
a pig in shit if Don West suddenly went mute...
Sean Carless:
Few are shriller than Sable. In fact, during
a promo, my dog once looked at me and said, "Dude,
really?". Then he died. He was 7. And could talk.
22)"SPEAKING OF MARLEE MATLIN, WE ALL
SHOULD BE SO LUCKY" (worst theme music)
the nominees:
Gail Kim, Victoria, Shelton Benjamin, Chavo Guerrero,
William Regal’s new theme, everyone in NWA TNA.
Harry
Simon:
Victoria. Jiggle or no, she went from wrestling’s best
entrance theme (TATU’s “All The Things She Said”) to
some in-house piece of pop garbage. Screw Vince and his
penny-pinchery! Doctor
Gonzo: I
remember only ever liking Chris Sabin's music from TNA,
but I think after Victoria dropped the Tatu theme, her
new music sounded terrible. In the vicinity of cats
being raped by dogs who were in turn raped by hot coals. Dave
Gagnon:
Shelton Benjamin: Unfortunately, not only we can't stop
him now, we can't stop his music either. Justin
Shapiro:
OOOOOOOOH UH HUH UH HUH UH HUH Richard Waters:
Everyone in NWA TNA. It's all WCW-ish in that we CAN'T
FUCKING HEAR IT! Renee: Victoria has to have the
worst music so far. Though the dancing has thankfully
stopped, this "I'ma go wit my bad self" shit is
embarrassing along with what they have done with my
"precious" Christopher Freda:
Victoria, bring back Tatu! Brad
Macleod:
And, this is the only time that I will put down my next
ex-wife. Victoria, what the fuck? Cameron Burge:
Victoria. When this music first aired I vocally spoke to
the empty room with a resounding, "What the hell is THIS
shit?" As if the music wasn’t bad enough, she had to
dance to it as well. This brings me to what is at least
the bright side of her being completely buried. We don’t
have to hear that music or see that dancing anymore.
Canadian Bacon:
Prolly
Victorias. I kinda miss the old song that was sang by
those two Russian dykes Tutu or whatever they called
themselves, and I always admired how they could have
time for goin at eachothers popos as lesbos when you
have to wait in line for 10 hours for a loaf of bread
over there. That’s why I’m glad I live right here in
God’s country of Canada LAND THAT I LOVE, and why
despite it being good Tv, in real life, there's no such
thing as lesbians. Michael Melchor:
Victoria's
new music is annoying as all hell, and to go to that
from t.A.T.u.'s awesome music for her...that's just
depressing. Sean
Carless: Victoria. They should pipe
that song into every cave in Afghanistan. Bin Laden
would be found within a day, hand written apology note
in hand.
23)THE "ARGAIV" AWARD FOR LETDOWN OF THE
YEAR. (Get it? Viagra spelled backwards)
the nominees:
Rock & Sock vs. Evolution (WMXX), Lesnar quits, Angle
injured (AGAIN!), Feinstein’s bust ruins ROH, Outsiders
ruin NWA TNA.
Harry
Simon: Angle
getting injured again killed half of Smackdown’s
workrate. (Eddie’s meltdown took out the other half.)
Even Kurt himself has said that his GM character was too
one-dimensional to be truly captivating. Doctor
Gonzo: Well
I guess I am an outsider on this because I loved Rock
and Sock vs. Evolution, and from the crowd reaction,
they threw away a great dream match between Rock vs.
Flair. Anyway, the letdown in my eyes was Feinstein
fucking ROH like it was a 6 year old's ass, while
Michael Jackson (allegedly) forced him to drink Jesus
juice and (allegedly) play with porno mags. Dave
Gagnon:
Feinstein's true letdown was when he realized he wasn't
getting some hot 14 year old action. Justin
Shapiro:
Eddie Guerrero's world title reign. Richard Waters:
Outsiders take this one. I don't care what you did in so
and so, what counts is in the WWE. They had me in my
pajamas ready for bed. Not the NWO... AGAIN! Other then
that I couldn't be happier. Lesnar is a loser. I enjoyed
Sock vs. Evolution. Stupid kids wouldn't know a good
wrestling match if it came up and bite them in the face. Renee: Brock Lesnar quitting was
the most unexpected and disappointing thing to happen to
me as a fan this year. This man had the wrestling world
at his fingertips and gave it up for his dream. Though I
though wrestling was his dream, at least according to
him. Hmmm... guess dreams change. I loved Brock from day
one and I expected more of farewell. There was no thank
you for your support through everything. No addressing
of what other wrestlers have done for him. The fact that
he left wasn't what upset me, to each his own, and if
Lesnar wants to do football then I give him all the
support in the world. But to not recognize the fans was
wrong on his part and very damaging to his character as
a man, not just as a wrestler. Christopher Freda:
Feinstein...although his bust didn't ruin ROH. It slowed
shit down for a bit and gave TNA an excuse but it
certainly didn't ruin ROH. Look at their attendance
figures, they draw more than TNA, the merch sales are
through the roof and the still have the best matches
outside Japan bar none. And a RABID fan base. Brad
Macleod: I
would have like to have seen Evo get theirs, and Foley
to get that magical WM win. Cameron Burge:
Lesnar quits. Everyone was one hundred percent behind
this guy and he opts out for a lame position on the
practice team for the Vikings. I don’t just think Lesnar
was the Next Big Thing. I think he could have been the
next modern day legend. But now we’ll never know. Canadian Bacon:
My gramps
took the Viagra once but he got it caught in his throat
and now his neck is 19 inches long HAHAHAHAHAHA.!!!! Actually the biggest let down
for me was when Kamala appeared on Raw and NEVER
WRESTLED!. What a waste of a legendary technician. Michael Melchor:
Leave it to
Rob "Michael Jackson 2.0" Feinstein to damn near ruin a
promotion that wrestling needs right now.
Sean
Carless: Feinstein. Much like Michael
Jackson, RF made headlines this year with some
Pedophilic allegations. Only unlike Michael, I doubt Rob
had cool things to play with at his house like emus and
llamas.
24)EVEN OZZY OSBOURNE HAS MORE
CREDIBILITY. the nominees:
Ric Flair downplays steroid use on ESPN, Brock Lesnar
runs off to join the NFL, JBL explains why it’s okay to
give "Heil Hitler" salutes in Germany, JBL says internet
fans are gay, HHH explains why nobody’s as good as him
in a mainstream interview, EVERY Hulk Hogan interview
this year;
Doctor
Gonzo: Now
this is a packed category. As much as I would like to
jump down Brock's throat, he did what he wanted to do,
even though he sucks at it. It didn't directly fuck
anyone over really, so that is ok in my book. The Flair
steroid thing was pretty stupid, but what takes the cake
is JBL calling ANYONE gay. Dave
Gagnon:
Flair downplaying steroid use. You know what? Nobody
should be ashamed to use steroids in wrestling. It's not
a competitive sport, if they want to die at 40, it's
their problem. Justin
Shapiro: WWE
pretends HHH is real movie star with fake addition of
his name to the marquee in the Blade trailer. Richard Waters:
I guess Hogan takes this one. He's almost as bad as
Warrior. To be honest JBL is right on all accounts. The
smarks are gay. He's allowed to do the Heil
Hitler stint all he wants. You see in America we
actually admit me make mistakes and don't hide them
(Japan - Pearl Harbor as an example) as if they never
happened. That's why America rules and everyone knows
it. Here's proof guys. Everyone knows who our Prez is.
We don't know who anyone else's leaders are. And the
best part? We don't care! Renee: SOS runs his mouth again.
The fact that this man actually thinks he is "That Damn
Good" cracks me up. To have the balls to go in public
and state that he reigns supreme is obvious proof that
he suffers from dementia and will most likely believe he
is really Triple H when he's 75. Walking around spitting
water on random passer bys. Christopher Freda:
JBL, fuck you and die. Brad
Macleod: HHH
gets this one. Who the fuck does he think he is? 1988
Hulk Hogan? Cameron Burge:
HHH explains why nobody's as good as him in a mainstream
interview. So much shit flows forth form his mouth in a
constant stream, that I’m surprised his teeth haven’t
turned brown. To claim you are the best at anything is a
pretty dumbass comment to make as it is, especially when
you are obviously on top thanks to who you are related
to.
Canadian Bacon:
Brock Lesnar
leaving to pursue his dream of not making the Minnesota
Vikings. But I can kinda sympathize with brock. I too
had a dream to pursue a career in bacci ball but sadly
my form was no good and I was rejected by the guidos
(and I even boughts me some really nice knee-high socks
too). Anyways there’s a big time lesson to be learned
here. I just can't remember what it is. Michael Melchor:
Brock Lesnar has this one in the bag. How's that NFL
career going, Brock? What? Whaddaya mean it's already
over?? Sean
Carless: WARRIOR! WARRIOR! WARRIOR!
From encouraging the smiting of homosexual
Mexican liberals as they try to illegally enter
this country, (I heard they all synchronize swim to get
here), to
verifying the Championship belt he was selling was LEGIT
on his WORD alone (The guy has fucking “WARRIOR” written
on his driver’s license), no one kicks credibility in
the balls harder, and then grabs them in a press slam
(you're only allowed to handle men's equipment if it
leads to a finish) than our man Warriah!19)"EVEN
WE'RE EMBARRASSED TO BE FANS. US!"
Brad
Macleod:
Diva Search. The stupidest thing to ever happen to
wrestling.
Renee: Ryan Reeves (TE) looked like
he even worked out his jaws. He was just wired with this
weird energy. His body looked like it was pumped up so
tight that you could pop it with a pin.
Harry
Simon:
Another “no bad nominees” category. But at the end of
the day, my vote goes to the Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaature Boy.
Not only did he go on ESPN and basically say that there
were no steroids in the WWE, but he took unprovoked
cheapshots at Bret Hart in his book. The whole mess
landed his saggy ass in Writer’s
Court.
25)THE AC/DC "BIG BALLS" AWARD. Greatest
show of testicular fortitude. the nominees: Orton
(Backlash), Kid Kash for his shoot interview, Pat
Patterson for speaking out against HHH, TNA invades WWE
Royal Rumble Commercial;
Harry
Simon: I’ll
let everyone else do the obvious Patterson jokes. Me,
I’m going with the Kay-Eye-Dee. Kid Kash’s outrageous
shoot interview is a must-must-see. You owe it to
yourself to head on over to www.bbrownvideo.com and pick
up this bad boy. The guy pulls absolutely no punches and
makes Tom Zenk look like a company suck-up. Doctor
Gonzo: Damn
this has to be a tie for Patterson and Orton. Orton did
shit that HHH would not do in his match against Foley,
probably because he was too smart, but he gained immense
popularity for it. Shows what a good brutal beating can
do for a career. Patterson gets a tie in this category
for losing his job over an opinion, and while he was not
fired, he was probably met with Vince looking at his
watch and saying, "You know Pat? I think it's time you
retire" while Tomko and Moedecai clean out his office
(they have to be good for something, right?) Dave
Gagnon: Pat
Patterson, not surprising since he knows a thing or two
about testicles. Justin
Shapiro:
Steve Austin no-selling the beer that hit him in the
face at Wrestlemania. Richard Waters:
Orton by far. In this day and age nobody is willing to
do a Foley stunt. I seriously doubt anyone watching that
match for the first time (without knowing the outcome
ala a DVD release) could foresee Randy instead of Foley
taking the bump. Good show Orton. Renee: Pat Patterson has some set I
tell ya. It takes a real man to stand up to someone you
have been a friend as well as consultant to for as many
years as he did. To take on the politics of the WWe is a
challenge for anyone but to have your right hand man
express his obvious disgust knowing what's on the line
has to stand for something. Too bad it had no bearing on
how things are still going down. Christopher Freda:
Pat Patterson, but he's used to whipping out his balls. Brad
Macleod: Pat
Patterson on this one. The guy lost his job for saying
it like it is. Cameron Burge:
Pat Patterson speaking out on HHH. Somebody in a high
position in good standing with Vince says what we’ve
been saying for years now. And he gets FIRED for it. Pat
had to go into that one knowing it was a dangerous topic
but he did what he thought was best for the company and
that takes some big brass nuts if you ask me.
Canadian Bacon:
I’m gonna go
outside the box here and pick: ME. That’s
right!!!! Not only do I actually have humongous
testicles in real life (I have a medicular condition
known scrotus giganticus) and as a result I’m always
sitting on them (which smarts) I’m also a big time
outsider here at this website, even though I TELLS IT
LIKE IT IS!!! And the other writers are jealous of me
for it and prolly a little gay too. Michael Melchor:
Pat Patterson. All those years of swallowing seed have
finally given him his own set of testicles.
Sean
Carless: Pat
Patterson - if only because I’m going to take this
chance to make some last jokes at his expense. But
seriously, whether or not he really “retired” or not
because of his negativity over HHH’s unending push, it
still took balls to speak up -
balls that if you've actually seen
them, firsthand, means you're in for at least a run with
the tag belts. The sad part is now one of WWE’s best
minds for creative finishes, and the inventor and booker
of many a Royal Rumble, won’t be around to pass on his
expertise/check for Hernias. Now, with that in mind,
isn’t it strange that Patterson would invent a concept
that sees men trying to push other men
out of a ring, when he himself
has spent SO many years trying to push himself
into one? See! I told you I’d
make one last joke. I never said it'd be good,
though.
26)THE BEST THING SINCE INTERNET PORN.
(Wrestler of The Year Award) the nominees: Chris
Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Jericho, AJ Styles. Randy
Orton, HHH, HBK, Shelton Benjamin; Samoa Joe (ROH);
Harry Simon: HBK and two-thirds of Team Angle Classic
got injured. Eddie imploded (again). RKO and A.J. were
held back and buried by Kliqheads. HHH can still be
carried, but no way should he be nominated for this.
Samoa Who? Is that one of the assholes who works for the
boy toucher’s promotion? Doctor
Gonzo: As
much as I want to give this to Benoit and Eddie because
I watch them more, AJ gets my vote simply because
everytime I watch a match of his, I am left in awe. He
constantly pulls out insanely unique moves that are
solid, and also can sell like a fucking maniac. AJ is
the wrestler of the year, but on success and proven
ability, Benoit wins hands down. AJ eeks it out here. Dave
Gagnon:
Chris Ben-wah, even though I am troubled to see him
always in his wrestling gear, even when he's not
wrestling. Justin
Shapiro:
Benoit Richard Waters:
Randy Orton. If it wasn't for his burial since SS it
would be Benoit. Randy has been on fire since well ever.
The smarks can complain, but he is THE man. How many
times have you been World Champ? Renee: Shelton Benjamin takes this
one for me. He's given us some of the most well put
together matches I've seen in a while. He continues to
show us his resilience and stamina day in and day out.
He's an easily likeable wrestler and has everything he
needs to be great. He's taken on some of the best and
has beaten them to make his mark in wrestling. I expect
nothing but great things from this man. Christopher Freda:
This is a close one between Joe and AJ. Samoa Joe has
held the ROH World Title (It's been defended in England
and Germany, it's a legit World Title) for almost 2
years so I'll give him the edge. Plus his three title
matches against CM Punk (One Hour Draws at World Title
Classic and Joe vs. Punk II before finally defeating
Punk with the Choke at All Star Extravaganza II) were
the stuff of legend. Brad
Macleod:
Jericho IS the total Package. Cameron Burge:
AJ Styles. He’s almost single handedly kept people
watching TNA impact. If it weren’t for him the company
would probably be dead already instead of strutting to
the slow death it is now. If that doesn’t deserve
wrestler of the year, I don’t know what does.
Canadian Bacon:
VISCERA!
(even though he’ll always just be Mabel to me). I was SO
happy when they brought back Mabel this year, and was
finally looking forward to him bringing back WORKRATE to
the WWF!!!! But sadly I’ve only seen him wrestle a
couple of times since then but I’m not worried because
you CAN’T HOLD DOWN TALENT, althought that's how u win
matches. Michael Melchor:
Randy Orton had one hell of a breakout year and seems to
be one of 2 guys (alongside John Cena) that people
actually care enough about to keep in the main events.
Sean
Carless: Chris Benoit. The man who
spent most of the year convincing us he was for
real. So, ya, you can totally cancel that
Psychiatrist's appointment because he's totally not a
figment of your imagination. ( OR
IS HE? Sean's edit; 2011.).
27)MATCH OF THE YEAR (other than my Ass
and your Face) the nominees: Royal
Rumble match (RR04), Eddie vs. Brock (No Way Out),
Jericho vs. Christian (WMXX), Eddie vs. Angle (WMXX),
Benoit vs. HHH vs. HBK (WMXX), RKO vs. Foley (Backlash),
Benoit vs. HHH vs. HBK (Backlash), Clique In A Cell: HHH
vs. HBK (Bad Blood), Eddie vs. Angle (SummerSlam),
Benoit vs. RKO (SummerSlam)…. We haven’t had a really
good match since August, have we?
Harry
Simon: HHH
vs. HBK vs. Benoit (WMXX). Simply put, this was the
best-booked match I’ve seen in nine years, capped off by
the IWC’s wet-dream tap-off. The spot of being the main
event of a milestone WM came with high expectations, and
the guys lived up to ‘em all better than I would have
thought possible. Doctor
Gonzo:
HHHvs. Shawn vs. Benoit was simply spectacular. I've
seen more amazing 3-way dances, but none of them were
more dramatic than this. Dave
Gagnon: Your
ass and...oh, other than that one? RKO/Foley, baby.
Thumbtacks, barbed wire, blood and ropes. Oh yeah. Those
ropes were looking fine that night. Justin
Shapiro:
Mania main event. p.s. Fuck that fucking Hell in a Cell
of two dudes making out with each other for 45 minutes. Richard Waters:
WM main event. Clique in a cell? WTF? The match itself
was awesome. I marked out like crazy. I'm sure I'm not
alone. The match ended perfectly and it was fitting to
an end of an era of sorts. Wrestling truly should have
stopped then. Renee: Y2J vs Christian easily
makes the cut for me on this one. To me they stole the
show as usual when these two are in the ring together. I
guess it was also because they had a good story line
behind the match, but Jericho and Christian always
deliver when they are together. All the other noms are
boring repeats except Orton and Benoit but that really
didn't do too much for me since the crave was to have
Orton win the title from Trip. Christopher Freda:
American Dragon Bryan Danielson vs Austin Aries, 2 out
of 3 Falls at ROH: Testing the Limit on 8/7/04 in
Philly. Yours truly was second row. Brad
Macleod:
Eddie vs. Angle WM. Twist ending, establishing a gimmick
(cheat to win) and the underdog gets the gold. Not to
mention amazing wrestling. Cameron Burge:
Orton/Foley. I may not have liked seeing Foley jobbed
out to Orton multiple times, but it was still an awesome
match. The entire match was well done from start to
finish and proved that Mick can still get in there and
do what he loves. I actually wouldn’t mind seeing more
of the same from Foley or Orton again sometime.
Canadian Bacon:
I guess I’ll
pick the Wrestlemania Twenty triple threat match. It
still has a long way to go before it touches Hulk Hogan
versus Sid Justice though (had papa shango run in or
even made someone puke I’d prolly feel differently) Michael Melchor:
Yeah we have, Sean - the Six Sides Of Steel between AMW
and Triple X at TNA's Turning point. That match gets my
vote. No titles, just pride and team survival were the
backstory, and both teams beat each other senseless for
over 20 minutes and gave us some brilliant spots (Elix
Skipper walked the fucking cage!!) along the way.
Well done, gentlemen.
Sean
Carless: For
my money, it’s definitely Benoit/HBK/Trips at
Wrestlemania XX, which is ironic because I have none. I
have your's, though, so I'll be fine.
28)The BENNIFER Award for Worst Match of
the Year: the nominees:
Undertaker Vs. JBL at Summer Slam, Goldberg Vs. Lesnar
at WM XX; Steven Richards Vs. Tyson Tomko; WWE
Unforgiven; Miss Jackie & Stacy Vs. Torrie & Sable,WM
XX; Bob Holly Vs. Lesnar, Royal Rumble; Taker Vs.
Heidenreich, Survivor Series; Christy Hemme Vs.
Carmella: Taboo Tuesday; Jeff Jarrett Vs. Jeff Hardy:
TNA Victory Road; Harry
Simon: I’d
say Jeff vs. Jeff from Victory Road. As main event of
their first three-hour PPV, it was the single most
important match in TNA history. Not only did they drop
the ball, but CholesterHall dipped it in chocolate,
deep-fried it, and ate it with a pizza chaser. Go read
my monster VR review for more info on this stinkbomb of
a main event.
Doctor
Gonzo:
GOldberg and Lesnar win this because I haven't seen any
of the others except the girls at Mania XX. This was
more of a train wreck, although I think Lesnar and
Goldberg had bigger tits than the girls. Dave
Gagnon:
Christy Hemme vs Carmella. Hemme took forever to change
and when they finally had the match, Carmella's
shoulders were clearly off the mat. Thank god she's not
a Hart, otherwise we would have heard a lot about it. Justin
Shapiro:
Stevie vs. Tomko. Richard Waters:
I'd go with Tomko/Richards. The match was boring and
went on for ever and ever. The crowd didn't care either.
I enjoyed Taker/JBL, Miss Jackie. I never saw Taboo
Tuesday or Victory Road either. Renee: Christy Hemme vs Carmella
was sad. See it had potential to me a bit interesting. A
boxing match were all the Carmella haters can see
Christy kick her ass in the ring the way we all wanted
to see it done. But not only did Carmella not get her
ass kicked but, the bitches didn't even fight. For a
segment that was already a waste of fuckin time, they
could have at least had some bloody lips or something.
Basically summed up the whole "Diva" bullshit in a
nutshell. Christopher Freda:
Holly vs. Lesnar Brad
Macleod:
Lesnar vs. Holly. That was a waste of time, and dumb. At
least Big Jon was trying to get a push. Cameron Burge:
Steven Richards Vs. Tyson Tomko(WWE Unforgiven). this
had to be the lowest point in Richards’ career, and that
is saying a lot. The fact that Richard’s was ever forced
to do that "Mysterious Woman" bit in the first place was
an atrocity, but for it to come to and end in a squash
match against Tyson fucking Tomko and never even be
explained is even worse.
Sean
Carless: Tomko/Richards. I think I'd
rather open the Ark of the Covenant than see that match
again.
29)BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT SINCE FAKE TITTIES
WERE INVENTED (most improved wrestler of the year) the nominees:
Robert Conway, Coach, Shelton Benjamin, Randy Orton,
Gail Kim, Batista, Nidia, Kane, Rene Dupree, Petey
Williams;
Harry
Simon:
Shelton Benjamin swam upstream against WWE “creative”
and not only successfully made the transition from tags
to singles, but developed into a strong character to
boot. I feel bad for Neidhaas, but that’s the way the
tag team crumbles. Doctor
Gonzo: Oh
come on now. This is easy. Coach gets this award. Have
you seen a bigger improvement from a man who jumped from
the announcers table, to in ring worker? He can sell
really well and can even throw a convincing punch as
seen by his "match" against Rhyno. He has thoroughly
impressed me with his ring work. Dave
Gagnon:
Batista. The Power Of Dave compels you. Justin
Shapiro:
Batista. Richard Waters:
Shelton Benjamin. One year ago this guy was boring the
hell out of me with a skit against the APA and his
Gauntlet match. Now there ain't no stopping
him.......... no. Renee: Funny enough I vote for
Coach on this one. Though, not a wrestler really, he's
gone from a slightly funny annoyance to a really
hilarious mother fucker that I actually look forward to
seeing in segments. He brings an air of relief to
wrestling. His cockiness and false bravado has me dying
with laughter. I give Coach props for knowing how to
bring any reaction he wants out of a crowd without
looking like a complete imbecile. Christopher Freda:
Orton Brad
Macleod:
Nidia went from shit to believable. That is what matters
to me. Cameron Burge:
Batista. He used to be a nobody big man that followed
Rev. D-von around. Just recently he was a nobody big man
that followed Triple H around. But after Orton left
Evolution, Batista slowly developed character and a
couple of new moves in the ring(though he still uses the
spine buster way too much). Now he actually gets pops
from the crowd and people are waiting for his eventual
turn with bated breath. Now that’s what I call an
improvement.
Canadian Bacon:
Robert
Conway, even if he is a dirty Frenchman like that Dave
Gagnon and his sleazy moustache! Sean
Carless: Batista. Can you have an
animal put down for being a terrible wrestler? Is there
a shoebox big enough for Dave? ALL QUESTIONS SHATTERED
THIS YEAR BY HIS IMPROVED WRESTLING, AND PEOPLE WHO
REALIZE IT'S JUST A NICKNAME AND THAT HE'S A LEGIT HUMAN
BEING.
30)I’D BUY IT... IF I COULDN’T STEAL IT
(PPV of the year): the nominees: WMXX,
Backlash, SummerSlam. Royal Rumble 2004; No Way out
2004; Harry
Simon: WMXX
had three awesome matches (Y2J vs. CLB, Eddie vs. Angle,
HHH vs. HBK vs. Benoit) that made the rest of the crap
worthwhile. Even those Tag Title four-ways. Think about
this: Out of the eight teams who competed in those, only
TWO are still together (Dudleys and Bashams). Doctor
Gonzo:
Wrestlemania XX waas great, but Backlash was shorter and
had great matches too. Hmm, this is tough. I toss a coin
and say Mania-Backlash as the coin falls on it's side!
Eerie... Dave
Gagnon: My
favorite PPV of the year was "Lipstick Lesbians 4". The
wrestling PPV of the year, however, was Backlash. Justin
Shapiro:
Wrestlemania. No good PPVs since Backlash. Richard Waters:
WrestleMania with SummerSlam in close second. I loved
every second of WMXX. It was the perfect PPV. Perfect.
SummerSlam had a few rough spots: matches were short. I
don't see how NWO is even an option. It was a one-match
event. Good match. Not great. Renee: I'd have to choose WMXX,
only because it's the last pro match Brock was in.
Though it cannot be viewed as a defining match for him
in any way. And though I will always miss Brock being a
part of wrestling, the stunner to both him and Goldberg
by Austin after was basically my words exactly and I'm
sure many of the fans too. Christopher Freda:
WMXX Brad
Macleod:
WMXX. Lived up to the hype. Cameron Burge:
Royal Rumble 2004. Mania may have been where it happened
for Benoit and Eddie, but The Rumble is where it all
began. I’ve always been a big fan of the Royal Rumble
and so with this one being such a milestone for Chris
Benoit, I am dying to own it on DVD sometime soon. Canadian Bacon:
We don’t
have cable here. I have to rely on my friend Julius to
send the results my way through his trained Budgie,
Frank. (unfortunately the bird died recently when
Madison fed it too many baby pickles so I’ll prolly be
lost for the next few payperviews ). Michael Melchor:
WrestleMania XX. I've said it before and I'll say it
again - it wasn't a PPV, it was an EVENT. And one I was
glad to be at Ker's Wing House in Daytona to catch on
the big screen (TV).
Sean
Carless: My
NaMe Is EuGeNe on WWE Fanatic series….the best 2 hours
spent watching a Retard kick ass since that mongoloid in
Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. Oh, and maybe Wrestlemania
XX. Less retards there, though.
31)WENDY WHOPPERS "BEST PAIR OF THE YEAR"
(Best tag team) the nominees:
Bacardi & Cola (Haas & Benjamin), The World’s Gayest Tag
Team (Rico & Haas), Tokin’ Black Guy (RVD & Booker),
D-Generated Nex, a.k.a. The Megahosers, a.k.a. E&B (Edge
& Benoit), Homolition (Bashams), AMW, XXX, Dudleys,
Harry Simon & Sean Carless; Harry Simon: It should have been me and Sean as “The
Can-Am Correction” but SOMEBODY didn’t like my
suggestion that he take a 20-minute beatdown before I
get the hot tag, no-sell everyone, and save the day.
Bah! Doctor
Gonzo: Harry
and Sean get the ass kissing, and best writers on the
net vote, but nothing beats Haas and Benjamin in the
ring. They should have never been split up so quickly. Dave
Gagnon: The
Megahosers, eh? Good day! Good day. Justin
Shapiro:
Edge and Benoit had all those great matches. Richard Waters:
To be honest I'd say Sean Carless and Photoshop. The
images on this site (and stolen for others!) are golden.
Then again he and Harry Simon are the same person... Renee: No contest...Harry and Sean
have my vote with no question. In this past year these
two have shown me more about the art of writing and
wrestling than I could have ever imagined. Though they
probably didn't even realize it. They are two of the
greatest and most clever minds I've ever had the
privilege of knowing. They're fair and encouraging and
are always willing to give a dreamer a shot. Yup, I'd
say they're the best team in web town. Christopher Freda:
XXX Brad
Macleod:
Rico and Haas worked well for me. Good in ring ability
and great charisma. I will miss Rico. Cameron Burge:
Bacardi & Cola. Heh. I love that title. These two were a
dominant force as a tag team, but have since split up
and Shelton has become an extremely solid singles
competitor, while Haas went on to get saddled with Rico,
and then Jackie and Dawn. Shelton obviously go the
better of this deal. Somehow, I miss having them as a
tag team, tearing up the ranks on Smackdown, but then I
realize there aren’t really any "ranks" left on
Smackdown, so maybe it’s all for the better. Canadian Bacon:
Charlie Haas
& Shelton Benjamin. Just like an Oreo cookie they
brought chocolate and white together and made it
delicious even though you can’t eat them (unless yer
dirty cannibals like those filthy Kenyans)
Michael Melchor:
America's Most Wanted take this one home for being the
tag-team centerpiece of a promotion that actually still
values wrestling. And did I mention they're the best
I've seen since The Eliminators?
Sean
Carless: Can-Am Correction?
Sure beats my suggestion of Hairless Inc. Anyway, I think my favorite
team this year, believe it or not, was actually
Regal & Eugene; a team that, with the addition of
Regal's unfortunate new singlet, looked like a
grandmother taking her disabled son swimming, and to
maybe pet the ducks. I don't know what that has to do
with anything, however. And I doubt I ever will.
32)FULL-FRONTAL FEUDITY (Feud of the year) the nominees: HBK
vs. HHH, Benoit vs. HBK vs. HHH, Jericho vs. Christian,
Foley vs. Orton, Eddie vs. Angle, Edge vs. Benoit. Lita
Vs. Trish; JBL Vs. Eddie;
Harry
Simon:
Jericho vs. Christian gets the nod for being two guys
who excel at every stupid thing they get put through.
Excellent promos, tremendous matches, and just plain
great chemistry together. This feud is still going on,
too, which is a big plus in the “here today, forgotten
tomorrow” world of the WWE. Honorable mention to AMW-XXX
for intriguing angles (like the mix-n-match title
switch) and usually, good matches. Doctor
Gonzo: Foley
vs. Orton was everything a good feud should be:
convincing, intense and brutal. Simply put it was
wonderful. Seems they drag Foley out of the mothballs to
start a hot feud and they did it again with Hassan. Dave
Gagnon:
Foley vs Orton, in your typical "Foley gets his ass
kicked for months and you still think he has a shot but
then gets destroyed again and, somehow, remains over"
feud. I think the last time Foley won a match, he was
teaming with Maxx Payne. Justin
Shapiro:
Foley vs. Orton. Richard Waters:
The Three Way takes the poon tang pie for this one. The
start of the year was great and I was really into
wrestling like never before. What the hell happened? Renee: I give this one to Y2J and
Christian also. Not that the feud was this great and
stupendous thing. But I give it to them for the
entertainment value and the things that came out of the
feud itself. It led to one of the best heel turns in
history (Trish's) and some of the greatest in ring
performances I've seen in years. Not to mention one
liners of classic proportion. It displayed both men as
more than marketable talents as well as blew away any
beliefs that Jericho's time as a mainstream wrestler was
over. The only negative thing I can think of in regards
to the whole entire feud is Tomko. Christopher Freda:
Benoit vs. HBK vs. HHH Brad
Macleod:
Foley and Orton. I haven't wanted someone to die that
bad since Hogan/Savage, and I was a kid at the time. Cameron Burge:
Foley vs. Orton. This was the feud to make Randy what he
is. Without it he would probably still be just another
crony for Triple H to take a piss on whenever he likes.
It’s no wonder that this would also lead into my match
of the year pick as I was into this feud from start to
finish.
Canadian Bacon:
Me Vs. The
other writers here. And a victory for me quite handily
to boot this I can assure you!
Michael Melchor:
Triple-H and Shawn Michaels had all the history in the
world AND the greatest matches to back it up. Any other
vote, in my opinion, is a wasted one.
Sean
Carless: It
HAS to be Foley Vs. Orton, 100%. This was probably the
single best built feud I’ve seen in YEARS. It had
everything you could ask for: a
smarmy antagonist, spit in faces, GREAT emotion, and
finally, a brutal and bloody climax. Just like sex with
me.
the nominees:
Benoit’s Rumble win, Eddie & Benoit’s WMXX celebration,
Rock rubs Eugene, Benoit’s Edmonton homecoming,
Feinstein pedo bust; ROH-TNA shenanigans; Outsiders sign
with NWA TNA; HHH wins title from RKO, TNA’s first 3
hour PPV; Lita & Kane's wedding;
Harry Simon: Believe it or not, I’d rather mark out
for something than complain about why it sucked. That’s
why I’m going with Benoit’s Rumble win. I had all but
given up on the WWE’s ability to do anything right when
lo and behold, the Crippler goes coast-to-coast and
eliminates the Big Show in the best Rumble since 1992’s
Flair-a-thon. I can’t remember the last time I marked
out that hard. I still ache. But the important thing is
that for the first time in at least three years, I had
HOPE for the future and I couldn’t wait to see what was
going to happen next. Doctor
Gonzo: This
is another stacked category. While "The Rock rubs
Eugene" sounds like the Rob Feinstein choice, the
Feinstien bust was incredibly shocking and rocked the
wrestling world shaking of ROH for good. The HHH title
win said a TON. It was basically a statement that at the
first sign of trouble from the babyface champ, pass
Trips the belt and it will be all ok. Plus they threw
away their main event of Mania in a meaningless match.
But I think the moment that defined the year for me was
Benoit and Eddie in the ring at Mania holding World
Titles. It was a beautiful and emotional moment that
many thought would never happen. Simply great. Dave
Gagnon: Lita
and Kane's wedding: Kane entering to the wedding version
of his theme was the moment of the year. Justin
Shapiro:
Evolution turning on Orton the night after SummerSlam,
wasting everything that had come before then and ruining
everything that would come after it. Richard Waters:
The celebration at XX. You take two guys who were always
seen as mid-carders and here there are at the BIGGEST
EVENT EVER with the biggest prizes either guy could ever
grasp. The Benoit-mark in me thought Eddie was reigning
on his parade. But when you think about their history it
makes sense. Although if you're a loser smark you
remember that the last time they met prior to this they
were feuding. We all can't be picky... Renee: Eddie and Benoit's WMXX
celebration kinda does sum it up for me. Yeah!! Christopher Freda:
For me it was the ROH vs. TNA deal. It forced ROH to
completely change direction and build new stars. SO far
it's been an overwhelming success. It would be great to
have AJ and Daniels back but, we don't need them. Hey,
when they fold in 90 days we'll have them back anyway. Brad
Macleod: The
celebration at WMXX was beautiful. Cameron Burge:
Kane and Lita’s Wedding. Bad Acting meets Bad Looking,
some midgets are thrown in for fun and somebody gets the
hell beat out of them before the night is
over.......yeah that about sums it up for me. Canadian Bacon:
Rock rubs
Eugene? How dare Rocky take advantage of the mentally
challenged by sexually insulting them! Michael Melchor:
The WMXX Celebration of Benoit & Guerrero let us know
that a new generation is (slowly) coming into its own in
WWE. The future looks bright for actual wrestling; now
all we need to do is shove Heineyreich in front of an
oncoming semi ... Sean
Carless: Definitely Benoit & Eddie’s
emotional celebration at Wrestlemania, and the only time
Benoit, to my knowledge, has been able to complete a hug
on another human being.
That leaves the
Chrisses. Jericho had a kick-ass feud with Christian and
established Benjamin as a strong IC champ. He cut the
best consistent promos of anyone in the WWE, to boot.
Benoit finally became the PPV main eventer he long
deserved to be. In a squeaker, I’ve gotta give it to the
Crippler, if for no other reason than the sheer emotion
conveyed by his wins at the Rumble and Mania.
Anyway, tag team wrestling hasn’t been this
bad since the mid-90s, so my backhanded compliment goes
to Rico & Haas for being the most entertaining team of
the year BY FAR.33)"LIKE
SCROTUM, HERE IT IS IN A NUTSHELL" (Single defining
moment of 2004, good or bad)
Runner-up is the RF bust
for showing me that ROH wrestlers and fans are sick
assholes who don’t care that a guy is running around
molesting children so long as they get a broadway
between Samoa Joe and C.M. Punk. There’s a special place
for them all in the NAMBLA wing of Hell.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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