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Welcome to the 2nd Annual FANNY AWARDS. The Fanny Awards aren't just a collection of tastelessly named Year-End Awards...they're actually...ah, who are we kidding? If you're familiar with this site, you know that the Fanny's are our version of the Super Bowl - only we don't snap each other in the asses with towels, and take homoerotic showers together. Usually.

 
 Anyway, if you're somewhat sensitive, you may not want to read any further. You may also want to stop being such a stupid fucking pussy.
 
On with the show!
 

1)THE FALSE FINISH. This is the award that honors one legend, saying "I can't fucking believe he/she lived another year."

the nominees: Superstar Graham, Fabulous Moolah, Mae Young, Scott Hall, Jake Roberts, New Jack, Jerry Jarrett, Afa, Steve Williams, Dynamite Kid. TWF's own Jason Hart;

 

Harry Simon: Ah, the field is as strong as the odor from Ray Traylor’s corpse. I feel like I’m Scott Hall in a “31 Flavors” shop with only enough money for one cone (and at the rate his career has been going lately, that soon may be more than just an analogy). Anyway, I’m gonna stand by my main man, Dynamite Kid, because he can’t do it himself. (Fun Fact: Dynamite is now confined to a wheelchair!) A career full of pills and steroids hit Dyno harder than a snap suplex, and his latest “lowspot” was getting part of his leg amputated. He’s currently under 24/7 death watch, much like TNA.

 

Doctor Gonzo: I once again have to go with the walking oxymoron, Mae Young. Last year she got my vote by a landslide, and this year she gets it again. I've come to the conclusion that her bones are calcified, and not the from the drink of pornstars.

 

Dave Gagnon: Jake Roberts: He's still alive because he sucks out the life of the snakes he starves to death. Or exercise. Who knows?

 

Justin Shapiro: I won't believe you're gone until WWE acknowledges your death, so ... Crash Holly.

 

Richard Waters: Mae Young: She's so old that I bet she remembers where she was when Lincoln was shot. Can someone please explain to me what has she done to deserve anything? I know she's only melted from the chamber whenever a young talent needs some poon tang pie, but wtf? And how is she classified as a legend? Scott Hall? New Jack? Um no.

 

Renee: I actually think it's a tie between The Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young. They both have reach death's door and it's amazing that they can still find work.

 

Christopher Freda: Mae Young - I mean she is the oldest on here so, you have to give the nod to her.

 

Brad Macleod: Wow, this is a tight one. Well, New Jack stands tall for his suicidal work, and because someone is going to want to kill him someday, but, I will go with Mae Young. I think Muhammed Ali has more physical presence about him. I am sure she is just embalmed, or something. The Pope is more animated.

 

Cameron Burge: Scott Hall. The man has tried both drinking and overeating and he's still standing. When can he just roll over and die already? I'm sure we could make use of him afterwards by selling the oil in his hair for perfume or something.

 

Canadian Bacon: Sadly, I think Stu Hart is the next to go.

 

Michael Melchor: Mae Young will continue to get my vote for this award until the old bag dries up and withers off of my TV screen. Fuck the Atkins AND the South Beach Diets - best way to lose weight is to see this old bitch rub that cobweb-laden, yeast-infested, grilled-cheese-lookin cooze in someone's face. I DARE ya to try and enjoy a sammich after that visual.

 

Sean Carless: As much as I wanted to choose Jason here (whose liver now resembles a yellow, paint laden sea-sponge), I think I’ll have to go with my pick from last year, and a man who likely resembles that remark as well: Scott Hall.  Poor CholesterHall. Every year he seems to think up fun new ways to obliterate his body, this year deciding to give his liver a reprieve, while his heart picked up the slack as he traded in his Colt 45 and Thunderbird seemingly for buttermilk and heavy gravy. I'm starting to think the poor bastard has just cut out the middle-man altogether and just decided to use his entire torso as a keg. I just hate to think where the nozzle is.

 

 

 

2)YER FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Best instance of a company giving some fuck-up his walking papers.

the nominees: JBL (from CNBC), Cat, Grandmaster Sexay, Chavo Classic, Jamie Noble, Billy Gunn, Sable. A-Train;

 

Harry Simon: I really didn’t think anyone was going to one-up Chavo Classic. The legendary Double-C got smashed at Cauliflower Alley and made a legendary spectacle of himself, then no-showed some house shows without bothering to tell anyone (not even his brother or his son) where the hell he was.

But lo and behold, Jamie Noble’s asscheek gets infected from a needle…AND HE TRIED TO WRITE IT OFF TO THE WWE’S INSURANCE. The WWE couldn’t shitcan him fast enough. For this great moment in wrestler stupidity, Jamie-San and his infected ass gets my vote. But you know what’s really funny about this? Now Noble and Nidia really ARE like a trailer trash couple; they’re unemployed!

 

Doctor Gonzo: Billy Gunn, simply because we all know the real story behind that. That had to be the happiest day in a while for me simply cause I hated this bastard.

 

Dave Gagnon: Grandmaster Sexay: Consider this: Lawler quit when his daught...err...wife got fired but his son got fired twice and Lawler never complained. That shows you how important Sexay is.

 

Justin Shapiro: Chavo's final days in the company were truly Classic. The only shame was that he came back to drop the cruiserweight belt instead of using it to murder a hooker before fleeing the country.

 

Richard Waters: Billy Gunn, although there are many other fine selections. You take a guy who never amounted to anything and we hardly ever saw on WWE TV. Yet as soon as he is released the masses whine and complain about the firing of "talent" and the hiring of Divas. Well Joy has worked harder on her skits from SD! then Billy Gunn has since he won the King of the Ring. As Sean would say, just saying.

 

Renee: This one I give to Sable because she should have never been allowed to come back in the first place. She basically came back on a man hunt, got her dick and left with it. Once Brock comes to his senses, she'll be back in the WWe looking for a new one to rub.

 

Christopher Freda: A-Train - Finally they unload this 300 and something pound tub of pure human excrement.

 

Brad Macleod: The BEST instance, from this list, is the Cat, bar none. The bastard can't wrestle, can't dance, and is a waste of TV time. The worst on the list is Jamie Noble. THAT was a REAL bad idea. Oh well, TNA needed the talent, anyway.

 

Cameron Burge: Grandmaster Sexay. He shuffled down the isle then he shuffled right back out, never to be heard from again. I almost feel sorry for him though. If he could have stayed longer, he could have replaced Rikishi with the "Ass man" gimmick, since he was increasing in size at the rate of Apache Chief (nobody's gonna get that reference).

 

Canadian Bacon: Jamie noble. How come you can get fired fer sticking a needle in your bum? I stick things in my ass all the time (turkey baster, number two pencils, etc.) and I’m still  going strong in the workplace; so what gives? I thinks theres more to this story than meets the eyes. Personally I think it was hygiene. Why else would he all of a sudden start wrestling without his pants? I think he musta had to burn ‘em cause they had the ass stink so bad. Hey it happens. My cousin Madison once wore a pair of corduroys for two years straight and the ass-end looked like my uncle barry smoked a carton of ciggerettes through it. True story.

 

Michael Melchor: Have to go with Chavo Classic here. At your age dude, you should be lucky to even HAVE a job, much less walk around like God's gift.

 

Sean Carless: Billy Gunn. Like an early Christmas present, Billy finally danced his way out of the WWE altogether, when the company let him, and a slew of midcard no-hopers, go this past fall. And this was after passing out in the dressing room, before being sent to rehab. Silly Billy. With guys like JBL running around, is the locker room really the safest place to fall asleep? Talk about earning your nickname.

 

 

 

3)POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR. Backstage maneuvering should be rewarded in year-end awards, just like it's rewarded in real life.

the nominees:  HHH, Jarrett, UT, Nash, Randy Savage (for no-showing then coming back to TNA) JBL (for still getting the belt despite the Germany controversy) Bob Holly (There has to be a reason he's still employed)

 

Harry Simon: Oh man, another tough one. In a squeaker, I’ve gotta go with Undertaker for managing to snag himself one horrible high-profile PPV match after another, and never actually laying down or tapping ONCE. Oh yeah, and for single-handedly squashing the most decorated tag team in the history of the industry at the Great American Bash. But really, there are no losers in this field. Well, except for talented wrestlers and the fans.

 

Doctor Gonzo: HHH has been at a minimum lately, I don't watch TNA, and JBL didn't deserve the belt before the Germany. Best politicking of the year if i had to choose would go to HHH though because he managed to fire one of the longest tenured WWE employees, and fucks the boss's daughter. I think he wins this one.

 

Dave Gagnon: JBL: Despite imitating nazis in Germany, offending homosexuals and keeping the Bashams on the payroll, he's still the champ.

 

Justin Shapiro: It's Undertaker because everyone gets down on their knees for him a la former president Bill Clinton and Intern Monica Lewinsky's sex scandal, LOL!

 

Richard Waters: Jarrett: Yes the poor man's Triple H. There is one thing that we as fans can figure out from the comforts of our home: you cannot be a wrestler and head booker. I see TNA as one big backyard wrestling scene. And Jarrett would be the annoying loser who demands he be champion. This is the type of guy who refuses to let anyone do moves to him, yet insists that he gets to powerbomb everyone through the boxes. It doesn't work that way, pal.

 

Renee: Bob Holly has to be strokin' something to still be employed after manhandling just about everyone that crosses his path. I've never seen such behavior tolerated this much.

 

Christopher Freda: This is a tough one between Cripple H (Fucking & Marrying the bosses daughter) and Triple J (Being the bosses son.) I'll give to Triple J, because he WANTS to be Cripple H and just for that he should be hit in the cock with a baseball bat with spikes driven through it.

 

Brad Macleod: I would say a tie between Jarrett and HHH, but Jarrett is blood, and HHH is fucking the boss's daughter AND running the boss's company. It don't get no better than that.

 

Cameron Burge: Triple H. Who else could get away with stealing the show away from the World Champion by having a match with a retard? He even headlined a PPV without being champion(Clique in a Cell) and I personally feel that the title match should ALWAYS be the main event.

 

Canadian Bacon: my favorite politician is gotta be Moosewater Saskatchewan’s own mayor the honorable “Diamond” Jim Gillespie. The man who passed the law that people could no longer savagely murder  the homeless when they come wandering into town. Cause of this bylaw we now have to club them to death in the privacy of our own national parks or even alley ways thus allowing them to die with the dignity. Thanks Jim for cleaning up this city!

 

Michael Melchor: I've traditionally tried to avoid this, but this year Triple-H wins it. He's all over TV and has once again kept his stranglehold on the title (save for the summer). We won't even get into his marriage or any of that...

 

Sean Carless:  Definitely that one guy in his respective company who utilized nepotism with "Dad" to earn another painful World Title push this year. You know, the guy who takes dudes out by swinging an inanimate object; and who kicks out of everything? Ya. That guy. Fuck him.

 

 

4)STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE: (wrestler who's gained the most weight)

the nominees:  HHH, CholesterHall, Tazz; JBL; Eric Bischoff, Tammy Sytch;

 

Harry Simon: Ah, about time we had an easy pick. CholesterHall handily decimated all other competition as if this were a pie-eating contest. Which I guess it kinda is.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Tazz gets this award hands down, especially if he's holding a chicken wing. After watching the ECW DVD I forgot how fucking buff Tazz was. He was a scary, bad ass looking bastard, but now I looks like a deep fried twinkie. Hey where's the cream filling?

 

Dave Gagnon: Tammy Sytch: From the looks of it, she ate Skip...AND Zip...and probably Bart Gunn.

 

Justin Shapiro: It's poor Tammy Sytch. But they could all be on that weightloss reality show My Big Fat Obnoxious Body.

 

Richard Waters: Hall for sure. I never watch TNA, but the way the net blasted him made me want to see a picture. I guess what they say is true. When you give up alcohol you're likely to start filling it with food. But Hall reached his rehab goal and is no longer controlled by his demons. Because that's what weak people do when they see conflict. They go straight to the booze. Good job Hall. Now have another shot of pancake...

 

Renee: This one is easy, Mr. Sack O Snacks himself is easily oozing past the others. And has the nerve to have a fitness book out. LOL. Tyson Tomko. AKA Dick Head. He has nothing to offer anyone in the ring. Half the time he misses his fuckin finisher and he's one of the most awkward individuals I've ever seen in the ring. He looks totally uncomfortable and overwhelmed. Waste time and money.

 

Christopher Freda: Cripple H, my God man, and NOW you put out a work out book? STEP ONE: Open box of donuts. STEP TWO: Eat ENTIRE BOX. STEP THREE: Fall Asleep.

 

Brad Macleod: Tammy. At least the others can fit into their old tights.

 

Cameron Burge: Tammy Sytch. It’s like she suddenly gained what I call "Garfield Syndrome" or something. When I first found some recent pictures of her I thought Rosie O'Donnell had dyed her hair blonde and taken up being a wrestling manager.

 

Canadian Bacon: Eric Bischoff! The worlds only overweight karate ninja! I imagine his weapon of choice would prolly be a couple of turkey legs strung together like the nunchucks! That way he could smite his enemies and still have a nice balanced lunch as he tippy toed to his next killing!

 

Michael Melchor: Tammy Sytch, by a metric ton - which, I believe, was about how much she gained.

 

Sean Carless:  Tammy Sytch. Damn! Between Sunny and his Ex-wife, Julie, I’m seriously starting to suspect that Bret Hart’s “seed” is 99% butter.  What a waste. Who’d ever think that someone would be better off on crack?

 

 

5)PUSH THAT MAN!......INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC: (for wrestler who is least deserving of a Push.)

the nominees: Slyvan Grenier, Tyson Tomko, Jeff Jarrett, Mark Jindrak, Gene Snitsky, Kenzo Suzuki, Heidenreich, Maven;

Harry Simon: Mark Jindrak. Even Gene “Baby Killer” Snitsky and John “Cole Sodomizer” Heidenreich can be entertaining in a bizarro “guilty pleasure” kinda way. Jindrak has shown ZILCH over the four years he’s been pushed off and on.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Jindrak has proven that he is an absolute waste of space, and yet he is still getting a push. Hey he's the Billy Gunn of a new generation!

 

Dave Gagnon: Heidenreich: They are pushing Heidenreich into our throats much like Heidenreich pushed his little Johnny into Michael Cole.

 

Justin Shapiro: "Kane said 'Snitsky is a dead man.' Let me repeat that, and I quote, 'Kane said, "Snitsky is a dead man."'" FUCK THIS GUY

 

Richard Waters: Tomko. I don't mind new characters. They can be hosses, small guys, etc. They can even be bad wrestlers. But one thing I demand is that they HAVE A FUCKING CHARACTER!!!

 

Renee: Tyson Tomko. AKA Dick Head. He has nothing to offer anyone in the ring. Half the time he misses his fuckin finisher and he’s one of the most awkward individuals I’ve ever seen in the ring. He looks totally uncomfortable and overwhelmed. Waste time and money.

 

Christopher Freda: Heidenreich you roided out Brock Lesnar rip off. Not to say that Cock Lesnar isn't roided out mind you.

 

Brad Macleod: Heidenreich. Can't wrestle, can't act, can't talk. Simon said he sucked.

 

Cameron Burge: Jeff Jarrett. I’m sick and tired of Hunter 2.0 stealing away precious moments of my life every time I break down and actually switch to TNA Impact. And that guitar of his, can he even PLAY it?! What the hell is up with that? Just because he’s from Nashville (or somewhere in the south at least) he needs a damn instrument? Also the guy hasn’t worked a decent match in the last five fucking years, and he talks like somebody just punched him in the face fifty times when he cuts a promo. In short, he’s a useless bag of shit that’s taking up valuable oxygen.

 

Canadian Bacon: I’d never push a wrestler, that’s just foolish. They outweigh you by atleast a hundred pounds and are trained with clotheslines and somesuch! I’d prolly just shoot them instead.

 

Michael Melchor: John Heineyreich. He's okay at best in the ring and I still can't deal with a character based on the most gruesome scene from "Deliverance".

Sean Carless:  Mark Jindrak. At least guys like Snitsky and Heidenreich (who combines poetry and sodomy in a way not seen since the glory days of Leaping Lanny Poffo) have attempted develop a unique character. What is Jindrak’s gimmick? Besides being able to "JUMP REALLY, REALLY HIGH." Since when is that an accomplishment? "Ya, he may be as boring as fuck, but man, you should see the vertical leap on this kid." Oh ya? Call me when he can do it so high he disappears completely from view.

 

 

6)LT. WORF MEMORIAL "CLING-ON" AWARD: (for the wrestler who has stayed employed through all odds.)

the nominees:  JBL, Sylvan Grenier, Tyson Tomko, Mark Jindrak, Bob Holly, Stevie Richards, Val Venis, Rosey. Hurricane; Paul London; Christopher Nowinski;

 

Harry Simon: Dancin’ Stevie Richards is like a cross between genital herpes and Bob Backlund in the 1993 Royal Rumble; we just can’t seem to get rid of him. He’s already a top nominee for 2005, too.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Once again Stevie gets his for this one. Like a cockroach, he'll always survive.

 

Dave Gagnon: Bob Holly: He must be good at something, if you catch my drift.

 

PS: For those who didn't catch my drift, I meant that he was good at sucking cock.

 

Justin Shapiro: I thought Stevie was done for all the way back in March when they took him away from Victoria. But miraculously, Flowerlessly, he has held on and even outlasted his nemesis Test.

 

Richard Waters: Nowinski: I never liked the guy. Period. Maybe it was his cocky attitude. But he has been injured for how long? He may never wrestle again. Why is he still employed? They fired Test with a broken neck. Hell Gail and Jazz were wrestling ON THE ROSTER. I don't get it.

 

Renee: This one I give to Val Venis. Mainly because he survived that whole Chief Morley thing with Bischoff and still was able to bring it back home to the good old ladies man. He manages to be a formidable stepping stone for up and coming wrestlers and is still able to get respectable pops from the crowd anytime.

 

Christopher Freda: First off, how the hell is Paul London in this category, he's probably the best wrestler on the roster not named Benoit or Guerrero. This award goes to JBL for being a redneck, nazi sympathizing, republican, rookie hazing, useless, pile of shit.

 

Brad Macleod: Nowinski is still employed? Wow, JBL must really like him. He takes it well.

 

Cameron Burge: Stevie Richards. Two Words: Cross Dressing. That is usually the final sign of a man about to fired, or leave a company. Look at Saturn and his skirt in WCW. He worked one of the worst matches EVER against Tomko in a squash nobody cared about. He was turned into the running gag of the Raw Battle Royal for #1 Contendership. Hell, Vince even publicly made fun of him on Raw prior to the match. HOW THE HELL DOES THIS GUY STILL HAVE A JOB?

  

Canadian Bacon: Cling- on? I don’t understand. My teacher in health class always taught us that if we wiped properly and bathed our anus, we’d never have to worry about that. I also find wiping a glade plug-in on your balls helps, too. Anyways, out of the choices you gave me I’d prolly go with Rosey cause hes kinda fat and would prolly have the hardest time wiping; (although with all those jungle trees in his native Samoa, its just laziness if u ask me)..

 

Michael Melchor: Hardcore Holly, by a landslide. How many more prospective main-eventers is he going to injure before Vince gets the clue and boots his bucktoothed ass out of the company?!

Sean Carless: JBL. Not since the days of Shillinger on “OZ” has one man combined ass fucking and Nazism into one package and been so successful.

 

 

 

7)I WOULDN'T KICK HER OFF MY FACE (Most fuckable woman in wrestling)

the nominees: Stacy Keibler, Trish Stratus, Molly, Victoria, Lita, Gail Kim, Traci Brooks, Trinity, Torrie Wilson, Miss Jackie, Dawn Marie; (or feel free to write in your own winner)

 

Harry Simon: While the mind is aroused at the thought of what a now-jobless Gail Kim will do for some money and coupons, I’ve still gotta pick Traci, from NWA TNA. Ever see her? ‘Nuff said. Sadly, last year’s winner (Molly) hasn’t been the same since the haircut. Off to the recycle bin you go!

 

Doctor Gonzo: Trinity steals this from Victoria and Stacy, even though she reminds me a bit of Vicky herself. Some of the outfits she wears are stunning in their simplicity yet ultimate sexiness. I want to wear her like RUN DMC's clock chain.

 

Dave Gagnon: Lita: I may be in the minority but I find Lita to be quite amy-licious. I wouldn't push Lita out of the bed unless she wants to fuck on the floor

 

Justin Shapiro: Trish Stratus can carry me to a **1/2 star match -- of sex!!!

 

Richard Waters: Hiroko! All the other women have their flaws. Stacy has no tits. Trish is untouchable. Molly is not allowed to not wear pants. Victoria is insane. Lita loves Matt. Gail has no butt. Torrie is gross. Miss Jackie loves the Haas. Dawn is close. Hiroko is THE WWE Diva of the Millennium.

 

Renee: I'd have to say Stacy Keibler wins this one. It's the legs.

 

Christopher Freda: Give it to Dafney aka Lucy, I don't care if she is retired. I love me some goth gal action.

 

Brad Macleod: Good God almighty. Victoria, Victoria and Victoria. A 3 way tie. Or, maybe a 3 way with Victoria and Jackie.

 

Cameron Burge: I would take Lillian Garcia any day of the week. She’s good looking and she has a voice I can listen to without scratching my own eyes out. Better yet, she doesn’t waste my time with sub-par matches and whiny bitching. She’s the perfect wrestling girl.

 
Canadian Bacon: Lita. But id be kinda weary of putting it in her because I’d be afraid any left over Kane might burn my dink off.

 

Michael Melchor: After watching "Turning Point", Tracy Brooks gets the last-minute stiffie nod in this category...

 

Sean Carless: Trish Stratus. I'd even show her my patented "Man-Kick." It'd at least buy me a few minutes to have sex with her before she woke up and had me arrested.

 

 

8)EVEN WE WOULDN'T HIT IT. (Who was the most unattractive woman of the year?)

the nominees:  Goldilocks, Joanie" strap-on" Laurer, Tammy Sytch, Jazz, Eddie's wife, Jason's Fat Mom.

 

Harry Simon: I call her Fuglylocks for a reason, ya know. But in all honesty, with the rest of them, at least you could say you nailed someone who once had star power, and thus, become a male rat (the secret dream of every guy who watches wrestling). With Fugly, there’s not even that. Hey, if I just wanna nail an ugly, annoying chick, I’ll go in an AOL chat room.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Dawn Marie who was absolutely stunning in ECW has turned into a melted plastic muppet and turns me stomach inside out she do. But, of the nominees, after seeing Chyna's dick, i believe she is disqualified from this competition, but being a chuvanist, I give it to her.

 

Dave Gagnon: Tammy Sytch: I heard of more cushin' for the pushin' but this is ridiculous.

 

Justin Shapiro: Chyna. Where was the RTC when she and Pac were filming their movie.

 

Richard Waters: Jazz. I don't think I need an explanation.

 

Renee: Eddie's wife wins this one hands down in my book. The woman (God forgive me) looks like one of those amusement park mirror images. No! wait!!!..I know who she looks like. She looks like fuckin' Chunk from "The Goonies". Hey, Yoooou Guuuys !!!!

 

Christopher Freda: Joanie... 1 night in China....(((vomits)))

 

Brad Macleod: Gotta go with Jason's mom here. At least the rest are women.

 

Cameron Burge: JAZZ! Ewwww. Although I actually wish the Rock’s wife was a nominee. With all the money he has you think he could pay to get rid of that nasty "Wicked Witch of the West" nose she has going on. Back to the subject at hand, I’m about as attracted to Jazz as I am good at playing Jazz music.

 
Canadian Bacon: Prolly that giant woman who was always coming out to defend Victoria. Although id prolly still have the sex with her.

 

Michael Melchor: Eddie's wife, hell - try Eddie's MOM. I had to talk my penis out of going into hiding after the "heart attack" incident...

 

Sean Carless: Hands Down (and penises…forever) to Joanie “Chyna” Laurer. I promised I wouldn’t watch her porn movie…but finally, morbid curiosity got the best of me. And let’s just say there wasn’t enough Pepto-bismol in the world to keep me from painting the bowl that night.*shudder*. The worst part is that many times I mistook Chyna for Xpac, and thought that Syxx had just been taking a quick dip in a cold pool before camera time, but HOW WRONG I WAS. (very, apparently.). Damn it, Sean, no wonder you had to go to rehab. How stoned would you have to be? All I know is, if I was him, I’d have taken one look at Chyna’s “extra appendage” and used my “educated feet” to get the fuck outta there…. 

 

 

9)THE DARSOW AWARD (For Wrestler who's persevered through a TERRIBLE gimmick)

the nominees:  Eugene, "Straight Man" Charlie Haas, Shark Boy, Simon Dean, Gene Snitsky, Kane; The Bashams; La Resistance;

 

Harry Simon: Simon Dean, easy. They stuck with him a Body Donna rehash, and damned if he isn’t entertaining as hell. This channels the spirit of Darsow better than anyone else this year. What’s his is his, and what’s yours is his…and by which, of course, we mean “WrestleCrap” and lots of it.

 

Doctor Gonzo: This has to be Snitzky, even having a gimmick where he kills babies, he has managed to get over. Even in the South where baby killing=bomb on your front door.

 

Dave Gagnon: Gene Snitsky: Shaking hands, killing babies! Snitsky even showed us that he can dance!

 

Justin Shapiro: I guess Kane made the most of it. Leetuh oh Leetuh. Way to rape.

 

Richard Waters: Haas takes this. I loved the interaction with Miss Jackie, and behold they would be an item later on. The point is he has no character. Straight or not, it doesn't make a difference.

 

Renee: Straight man Charlie Haas. I don't understand why they can't find anything to do with this man. He's lucky the crowd seems to like him regardless of the wack story lines they hand him. It's a horrible gimmick for him, because he deserves and is worth something more interesting. Hopefully we find out he really is cheating on Jackie. Then maybe we can work with him. I hate diggin' a guy just because he's a nice guy. I need more.

 

Christopher Freda: Charlie Haas, he's a fantastic worker. RIP Russ

 

Brad Macleod: Well, this one is a tie between Shark Boy and Eugene. The others have the strength to shine through the gimmick. Well, the Bashams didn't really survive, did they? And Eugene still has great charisma and talent. So the winner is Shark Boy.

 

Cameron Burge: Eugene. From the short bus to the squared circle, Eugene has come a long way to find a place in our hearts.....aw who am I kidding? It’s funny to laugh at handicapped people.

 

Canadian Bacon: Darsow? In that case prolly Shark boy cause he’s the only one with a darsow fin. (I took the biocolology in high school for 6 years straight)

 

Michael Melchor: Rico, for persevering the odds and playing the Obvious Gay Man and going on to a main-event spot--oh, wait...never mind...make that Charlie Haas for still being employed after that fiasco.

Sean Carless: Gene Snitsky. The man who took the pro choice movement to disturbing new levels - and all without having to go elbow deep in your privates with a vaccum cleaner.

 

 

10)THERE IS A GOD! For the moment when Lady Luck gave us a lapdance.

the nominees: Maniqua demoted to OVW, MSG crowd shits on Goldberg-Lesnar, Benoit gets a "Clique-killer" push (including PPV main event wins at RR04 and WMXX), Billy Gunn fired (FINALLY), a totally Steph-less year.

 

Harry Simon: MSG crowd shits on Goldberg-Lesnar. God bless NYC. They hijacked a stinker of a match and turned it into a “train wreck classic.” On the scale of “Wrestlemania Guilty Pleasures,” Goldy-Brocky is second only to Butterbean-Bart.

 

Doctor Gonzo: All of these are worthy, but I really loved hearing MSG just boo the shit out of Goldberg/Lesnar. It was surreal and just a memorable moment. The mark died that moment.

 

Dave Gagnon: For the record, for me, a totally Steph-less year was the equivalent of Lady Luck barfing on me during the lapdance. Even a moderated Benoit fan like me finds this one to be a no-brainer.

 

Justin Shapiro: Benoit Benoit Benoit.

 

Richard Waters: Benoit's push. Too bad Lady Luck isn't Hiroko. I was psyched for Benoit to take the title from Lesnar since his win at No Mercy. And to put matters worst he moved to Raw to do the exact same thing. Gave me a reason to never watch SD! again. Thanks Trips.

 

Renee: I have to say a totally Steph-less year has done it for me. To not have to hear the piercing voice, see the bulging eyes, linebacker shoulders and horrible managing skills has been a blessing.

 

Christopher Freda: Benoit's Wrestlemania win.

 

Brad Macleod: I don't know. Nothing on this list really strikes me as over the top. I guess the Benoit wins are the ones I am going for.

 

Cameron Burge: Steph-less year! I think I may just throw a party for this one. For years her voice has reminded me of nails on chalkboard and FINALLY I got a well deserved break from it. The only downside to this is I don’t get to see the finally returned to face Y2J call her a skank whore.

 

Canadian Bacon: I only had a lap dance one time before they banned me forever from The Shaking Beaver. (something about not being allowed to take put ur dink in them or something).

 

Anyways outta the choices here I’d have to go with Billy Gunn just cause it was a BALF FACED LIE when Jim Ross said he was the bestest athlete in the wwf. He was a dirty faggoty cowboy and not an athlete! And last time I checked milking pigs isn’t a sport. (although maybe it should. Trying to grab those tiny teets would likely be exhausting)

 

Michael Melchor: This is a close one, but Billy Gunn's firing wins out because it means I never have to see him in WWE again! (At least until Vince feels sorry for him and brings him back, anyway.)

 

Sean Carless: Chris Benoit's short run - a victory for guys with disproportionate arms everywhere! High five! Or low. Whichever's easier there for ya, Kuato.

 

 

11)BURIED ALIVE. Most frustrating burial of the year.

the nominees:  Eddie, Benoit, Jericho, Booker, Dudleys, Bashams, Ultimo Dragon, RVD, Tajiri, Rhyno, Haas.

 

Harry Simon: Ultimo Dragon. The rest, at least, had the requisite rap of “We tried one lousy angle with him and it didn’t get over right away, so we dropped it altogether.” Ulty didn’t even get that one chance. The guy’s WWE legacy will be for tripping twice in the space of a minute during his intro at WMXX. He has brought much shame upon his household and must now do the honorable thing by committing hari-kari upon the calcified implants of Stephanie McMahon.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Benoit and Eddie get this one. I explained it a previous few times. Also, to get buried you need to have some sort of push, and nobody else has had a significant push really.

 

Dave Gagnon: Eddie: From WWE champ to jobbing to Mark Jindrak... But Eddie is high on life! And coke!

 

Justin Shapiro: Eddie Eddie Eddie.

 

Richard Waters: More of a tie between Eddie and Benoit. More so Eddie because Benoit is still seen as the top guy second to Randy and HHH. Eddie was being buried as champion if you ask me. How many times did he have to beat the Bashams before anyone didn't care?

 

Renee: I say The Dudley's for this one. What was the point in putting an almost twenty time winning tag team on a show if your not going to use them. There not even on Velocity. Great misuse of talent.

 

Christopher Freda: Eddie, they let him climb the mountain, just so they could throw him off. Come back to ROH Eddie, we still love you. (Guerrero worked at Era of Honor Begins on 2/23/02 & Night of Appreciation on 4/27/02)

 

Brad Macleod: Well, Booker, Duds, Bashams, Ultimo, RVD, Tajiri, Rhyno and Haas never REALLY lived enough to get the most frusterating burial. And, Jericho hasn't really come back to life in a while, so the draw goes to Eddie and Benoit, from Main Event Champs to Mid-Card Monkeys in the matter of 2 months. So sad.

 

Cameron Burge: Jericho. I want him to have another World title reign so bad I can hardly see straight. Sure he’s still entertaining as hell, but there was just something special about him when he had the Undisputed Title that just left after Hunter squished him under the hell of one of his grimy little boots. I could always look for another IC reign, but he got knocked out of contendership for that by Shelton. Now he’s just sort of stuck in limbo with no real direction to go in except serve as fodder in the Elimination chamber come January.

 

Canadian Bacon: We once buried my friend Julius alive when we wrapped him in my grammas shag carpet and threw him into the ravine, killing him. Luckily he wasn’t mad though when he came to. Anyways, I think benoit would have the most trouble with being buried because he has tiny arms and they’d prolly limit him shoveling the dirt off himself no doubts.

 

Michael Melchor: Rob Van Dam. All Vince has to do is let Paul Heyman book just his storylines and he'll finally be as popular as the company wanted him to be in the first place.

 

Sean Carless: Eddie Guerrero. He lies... on his back and gets pinned too much. Fuck you. That's all I got. 

 

12)SO GREEN, HE/SHE'S BROWN.

the nominees:  Tyson Tomko, Heidenreich, Gene Snitsky, Mordecai, Kenzo Suzuki;

 

Harry Simon: Twice on Raw, Tyson Tomko was booked in a tag match with Christian against Y2J & HBK. Think about this: He was in there with three of the four best workers on Raw (Benoit being #1, IMO), and he still STUNK up the joint like a Mark Henry hoagie. Then he also went on to have one of the worst PPV matches of the year against Stevie Richards at Unforgivable. The guy has absolutely nothing going for him. How he survived when Rico and Gail Kim were cut is one of wrestling’s greatest mysteries right up there with “What was in Baby Doll’s envelope?” and “The hell was Vince thinking?”

 

Doctor Gonzo: I love me my Kenzo, so this goes to Mordecai for having the fastest promotion/demotion in recent memory. This guy's white couldn't even cover up the brown, peanuty ooze sliding off of him.

 

Dave Gagnon: Tyson Tomko: Expect him to go on to a feud with his twin brother, Anthrax's Scott Ian! And Man Mountain Rock will be the special ref! And...and...I lost my train of thought, sorry.

 

Justin Shapiro: Snitsky really is beyond green. He's like what a real life version of Eugene would be.

 

Richard Waters: Mordecai: I'll admit with Vince that besides the promos and the character itself, the guy did not have it. It's a shame really because I was digging it. Then again we wouldn't have Heidenreich. Whatever happened to him?

 

Renee: Mordecai. So green he's not even on the roster. The avenging angel never had a chance with the fans. Sloppy in ring work and cover finishers don't cut it. Thank God (ha) it's back to the drawing board with this one.

 

Christopher Freda: Heidenreich

 

Brad Macleod: I still disagree with everything bad said about Mordecai. I like him. Tomko doesn't need to be great to do what he does. Snitsky fits, and Suzuki shouldn't be here. Now, Heidenreich....He just sucks.

 

Cameron Burge: Tyson Tomko. From his ugly ass Goatee, to his pitiful attempts at looking like a dominating force to reckoned with, this guy just can’t seem to get the hang of things. The first time he attempted his finisher, the Soprano Kick, on Jericho, he actually fell right on his ass. That brings up another question: Why does he call it the Soprano Kick? I would have figured him to be a Bass(Warning: BAD Pun). What the hell is Tomko's purpose anymore anyway? All he does is get his ass kicked. He's like White Virgil or something.

 

Canadian Bacon: I don’t know if I understand the question. But to my knowledge (which is huge and big even by the ways) I think Jeff hardy was the only green wrestler this year with his paint & somesuch. ( i hope its paint). Maybe he’s been bombarded with the gamma rays like the Hulk? My cousin Madison tried that once but he got cancer rather than super powers, and a paid vacation from the power plant (and not the cool one where Paul Orndorff makes you do Hindus while squatting). Stupid Madison, he prolly didn’t do it right/died.

 

Michael Melchor: Tyson Tomko not only has the single gayest name in recorded wrestling history, but the man wouldn't know a Mafia Kick if Michael Corleone left a horse's head in his bed one night.

 

Sean Carless: Tyson Tomko, the inventor of the wrestling style known as “Catch as catch can’t”. In fact, I heard God was actually thinking of destroying the world again, and smiting us sinners, but then Tomko wrestled Steven Richards at Unforgiven, and the Lord said, "Scratch that. They've already suffered enough." True story. Maybe.

 

 

13)THE OWEN HART MEMORIAL WORST "HOOK-UP" AWARD (For worst Wrestling Couple, Real or Scripted)

the nominees:  Lita/Kane, Lita/Matt Hardy, Miss Jackie/Charlie Haas, Goldylocks/Alex Shelley, Steph/HHH.

 

Harry Simon: Jackie/Charlie. By making their engagement part of their storyline, they killed the most entertaining tag team in the biz (Rico & Hass), sealed the fate of Rico’s career, and worst of all doomed Haas to being booked like the biggest pussy this side of Oprah. Still though, gotta give Chuck props for marrying up. Honorable mention to Heidenreich and Michael Cole.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Jackie and Haas get this one for being the worst off screen couple that can't even show chemistry together on screen. This shit is TERRIBLE and there is no doubt that this is the worst couple around.

 

Dave Gagnon: Lita/Kane... Hey, I threatened to beat up Matt and I got no nookie. What's up with that?

 

Justin Shapiro: Worst hookup? oh snap. (Oh snap? oh snap.) Lita and Kane.

 

Richard Waters: Jackie/Haas. Neither really has a character. These on-air romances where two guys (or girls in Haas' case) never work out for the better. I'm not talking about their romance, but their characters on screen. We don't care about love.

 

Renee: Lita and Matt Hardy. I hate that from the jump the relationship between Lita and Matt has had to be a factor in almost everything these two do. Everything boils down to the fact that they are a couple. I don't appreciate getting gagged with the relationship rope anytime I want to see either of the two. They seem to be the only two that don't realize that they both do better when they're not involved in the same angle.

 

Christopher Freda: Lita/Kane...I mean...please.

 

Brad Macleod: Lita and Kane. What a retarded move.

 

Cameron Burge: Lita/Kane. The wedding from HELL was saved by only one thing...midgets. Midgets make EVERYTHING funnier. In all seriousness, why would Kane want to marry Lita just to do exactly what he was doing to her before? (and if you don’t catch the innuendo there it’s your own damn fault).

 

Canadian Bacon: Chyna and The XPac. I’m kinda jealous they gots to make a porno movie together (it needed a horse though in my opinion). Anyways I always liked chyna. She has the cutest adams apple.

 

Michael Melchor: Lita & Matt Hardy. Not speaking of their real-life romance (because, really, who knows?), these 2 couldn't even ACT like they were in love. WITH EACH OTHER. That's just sad.

 

Sean Carless: Tie. Lita & Matt Hardy and Charlie Haas & Miss Jackie. What does it say about their acting when two LEGIT couples can’t make me believe that they’d ever be seen together in the same room let alone really be in love? Well, that’s the case here. Hell, the fucking robot from Lost in Space showed more range than Charlie Haas proclaiming his love for Miss Jackie.

 

 

14)THE SHOCKY. Best blooper of the year, (named in honor of Shockmaster, of course).

the nominees:  Tomko falls on his ass during his debut kick, Ultimo slips twice in the space of 60 seconds during his intro at WMXX, Orton blows his finisher on Raw (Evolution vs. Jericho & RVD), the Jeffs (Jarrett & Hardy) fuck up a powerbomb spot – TWICE (Victory Road).

 

Harry Simon: Just like I said at halftime, Tomko’s Tomkick was the truest to the spirit of the shocky. Anyone can fuck up, but it takes a special talent to fuck up within the first five seconds of his TV debut. Did anyone check to make sure that Tomko isn’t really just Nathan Jones with a goatee? Has anyone ever seen him walking around backstage with a handful of cookies and no glass?

 

Doctor Gonzo: You did forget Goldberg not being able to open a door and slipping on the entrance way and on the ropes (might have been last year though), but I would sadly, have to say Ultimo Dragon. This was his BIG debut at Mania and he just EATS it. This was as bad as Brock missing the shooting star, but not as funny.

 

Dave Gagnon: Ultimo Dragon: Your lifelong dream is to wrestle at WM, and your second lifelong dream is to wrestle at MSG. You get to do both at the same time and you slip twice. Now that's funny. That reminds me of the time I realized my lifelong dream of meeting Rush's Geddy Lee and pissing my pants right in front of him. And I slipped twice too, so that's why I relate to Dragon.

 

Justin Shapiro: Tomko fell twice and KEPT FALLING for weeks to come.

 

Richard Waters: Orton blows the finisher. Never saw Victory Road. Who did? Anyways the part I loved is that he fell and Jericho just stood there and looked at him. So RKO goes back to do it again.

 

Renee: Tomko is the epitome of a blooper. Blowing your finishing spot in your first real match just shows how much of a pimple this man really is.

 

Christopher Freda: Tomko, it just looked so fucking goofy

 

Brad Macleod: I love the man, but the Ultimo slips were the most embarassing thing I have seen since the Shockmaster wall. Hardy is known to fuck up, so it isn't that much news. Tomko runs a close second, but Ultimo is established. He was one of the best high fliers in the world. To slip (twice) at the biggest wrestling event ever just sucks. I'd come back with out the trademark mask, too.

 

Cameron Burge: Orton blows his finisher on Raw (Evolution vs. Jericho & RVD). This was so bad it was ridiculous. In case you don’t remember the set-up was as follows: RVD was incapacitated (which he is probably used to) and Jericho had Flair in the Walls. Flair looked about to tap out when Orton came running up from behind. Orton attempted to do an RKO to Jericho and MISSED COMPLETELY. Not only did he miss, but he landed in plain view of Y2J who proceeded to act like Orton wasn’t even there so that Randy could perform the maneuver correctly. Instead of improving a spot they simply redid it (as Jarrett and Hardy would try but fall twice at Victory Road). The spot had me both pissed off and in hysterics at the same time.

 

Canadian Bacon: The funniest blooper this year for me was when my cousin Madison was bit on the penishead by a lemur at the Zoo.  (he stuck a quarter in its ass). But for wrestling it was prolly Ultimo Dragon. And I know how it feels cause im always slipping on my cape. (I fashion myself somewhat of a crimefighter).

 

Michael Melchor: It's a damned shame that I have to give this to Ultimo, because that fuck-up is what cost him everything in WWE. You don't embarrass yourself on the Biggest Show Of The Year; that's BEGGING to get fired...

 

Sean Carless: Tomko doing his best Nathan "Got Milk" Jones impression. (Quick, someone tweak his nipples and see what happens!). 

 

 

15)YOU EXPECT ME TO SWALLOW THAT? (The Most Obvious Gay Wrestler, Kayfabe or otherwise)

the nominees: Jeff hardy, JBL, Heidenreich, Sylvain Grenier, Rene Dupree, (feel free to write in your own choice)

 

Harry Simon: In a squeaker, the 11/30/04 Impact  featured an angle that saw DDP and Raven cut promos on each other talking about how they both “partied together with Kim.” If that wasn’t bad enough, Raven said “Don’t blame Kim, blame Erik Watts.” So of the three lads, I’ve gotta give the nod to Raven if for no other reason than he wears a dress and all his promos lately feature him squealing like a bitch.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Renee Dupree is a crazy homo, and the rumors that Sylvian was Patty's butt dart board seems to be grossly exaggerated. Dupree was taking that wild ride.

 

Dave Gagnon: JBL: We should call him John Butt Lover.

 

Justin Shapiro: Well, Feinstein would deff kiss u. But let's say Daniel Rodimer.

 

Richard Waters: JBL. How else do you explain him wearing pants for years and then suddenly going briefs?

 

Renee: I'm going on my own choice here and saying Bob Holly. I feel his frustrations with younger men stem from a deep rooted desire to be in one one of them. It's all that pent up denial and uncertainty that is making him the animal he is today. If he would just give in, he'd be a much happier Hardcore.

 

Christopher Freda: Sylvain Grenier

 

Brad Macleod: Rene. He even has a girls name. Fag.

 

HeidenrapeCameron Burge: Monty Brown. A big bald dude in little polka dot shorts who likes to "pounce" people? What could possibly gayer than that?

 
Canadian Bacon: My inside sources (I used to know the guy who would hand deliver sandwiches from Orange Julius to Mahkan Singh in the 80’s) and he tells me that there’s a rumor Pat Patterson might be gay and a faggot.
 

Michael Melchor: And John Heineyreich takes another unwilling male asshole category in the awards this year.

 

Sean Carless: Heidenreich - if only because he fucked Michael Cole in the ass on live TV. That’s a smoking gun/penis if I’ve ever seen one. But at least Cole got a nice poem out of the deal, and not a donkey punch, which is usually standard with these types of acts. Trust me. I tend to not vary my style.

 

 

16)AHMED JOHNSON "CLOWN-SHOES' AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF RIDICULOUSNESS:

the nominees: JBL, Heidenreich, Gene Snitsky, Lita, Bob Holly;

 

Harry Simon: Yet another strong crop o’ crap. How can it be anyone but JBL, who is the five-month reigning (and counting) WWE champion, complete with one main event payoff after another despite having the worst consistent main event title matches of any champ since Diesel. Then there was the Nazi thing…

 

Doctor Gonzo: Lita, or should I say, Hyabusa ver.2, proves every time she is in the ring, that she is nothing but a joke. Nothing she can do to prove otherwise. I would refuse to wrestler her unless I got to bone her afterwards. By bone her, I mean beat her to death with a bone.

 

Dave Gagnon: Macho Man Randy Savage: He takes the time to produce a rap album in order to get Hogan to fight him. When he finally meets Hogan, he runs faster than Barry Bonds before a steroids test. That's hard to beat.

 

Justin Shapiro: How about Heidenreich and Snitsky share for their face to face confrontation.

 

Richard Waters: Heidenreich. You can't seriously tell me anyone was entertained by the guy. Heyman or not. The crickets were chirping.

 

Renee: I give credit when credit is due and Gene Snitsky takes the cake on ridiculousness. In fact he's so ridiculous, he's over more than any other heel on Raw, besides SOS. Risky and outrageous chance to take but, so fuckin nuts, it worked.

 

Christopher Freda: JBL

 

Brad Macleod: Heidenreich. What a maroon.

 

Cameron Burge: Gene Snitsky. I have to honor the man with the GREATEST GOATEE EVER (I just say that because I have one like it) somewhere in here. The man, the myth, the Legend killer....oops I meant to say BABY. The simple fact that this guy got over at ALL is a miracle in itself and needs to be rewarded. The best part has to be that he presented himself as an actual world title threat to Triple H prior to Survivor Series, and let me tell you. That’s a match I wouldn’t miss for all the cash in the world.

 

Canadian Bacon: I always wanted to own a pair of clown shoes cause you know  what the ladies say about a guy with big feet eh? They prolly have their shoes custom made and thus prolly have lots of money! (the bitches LOVE money)

 

Anyways, I guess I’ll go with Heidenreich even though he’d be a good guy to have around if you was ever choking (He invented the Heidenreich maneuver)

 

Michael Melchor: I don't care what anyone says, JBL did a damned admirable job carrying the secondary brand while not being given a lot to work with. Bradshaw earned my respect this year.

Sean Carless: Hulk Hogan. Hey, I know he hasn’t wrestled this year, (or for the last twenty if you want to be technical...), but still, he’s managed to kidnap the headlines multiple times regardless. From “shooting” on Randy Savage, (and not in that cool way that two legit RAPPERS like them normally would), to challenging Puff Daddy to wrestle for a hundred million dollars, (Puffier Daddy?), all the way to mysteriously taking his own daughter’s spotlight as a “singer” and re-directing it onto his omnipresent chrome-dome, is there anyone more RIDICULOUS than Hulk Hogan in life? I mean, the fact the dude wears a weightlifter's belt GROCERY SHOPPING should be enough to net this award by itself.  "I need it, brother! I tore every muscle in my barn-door back lifting those 400 pound grapefruits, brother - as 100,000 screaming maniacs watched on, dude."

 

 

17)DON'T GO AWAY MAD...JUST GO AWAY. (For wrestler or TV wrestling personality you'd most want GONE from Wrestling)

the nominees:  HHH, Taker, Jarrett, JBL, Tomko, Grenier, Heidenreich. Nash;

 

Harry Simon: HHH. Notice how much more into Raw you are when he’s not the champ? Now imagine if he wasn’t on it AT ALL. Hell, I’d start taping it on two different TVs.

 

Doctor Gonzo: I don't care about Nash because he isn't on my TV because I don't watch TNA. Undertaker still has a good match every now and then, but when he is gone, I don't really miss him. Plus when he shows up he just squashes people left and right. No good there.

 

Dave Gagnon: I'd say Jarrett but he is wrestling for TNA so he'll be gone sooner than later.

 

Justin Shapiro: Shitsky.

 

Richard Waters: Keep HHH and Taker sure. Kill the rest.

 

Renee: Nash has this one for me. Just because you change companies, doesn't make you a better wrestler. He's an old and played shell of a wrestler, trying to hold on to his last scraps of fame. Time to gracefully (if possible) bow out while we can still think of a few, and I stress few, nice things to say about him.

 

Christopher Freda: HHH because the ripple effect would get rid of the rest of them.

 

Brad Macleod: Got to go for Heinyhead again. And, if anyone votes for Taker, you will be hearing from me.

 

Cameron Burge: JBL. I almost picked Jarrett again, but then I realized I want JBL gone if for the only fact I would never have to hear COWBELLS passed off as theme music ever again...........and he called me fat.

 

Canadian Bacon: Prolly that Bob Holly. But only because he gave up being Spark plug Holly and THREW IT ALL AWAY to become this hardcore joker. But still I heard that bob holly has the big time bad temper and such so he was prolly blackballed from racing altogether because of it (I suspect he may have had something to do with Dale Earnhardt exploding too)

 

Michael Melchor: Hardcore Holly. And I'm glad I'm not an actual wrestler because I'm sure that, after reading this, Holly would go stiff on me in the ring. And THEN he would kick my ass.

Sean Carless: Kevin Nash. Like hemorrhoids, Nash always seems to return more painful and irritating than the last time you seen him. There is no cream for Nash, though.

 

 

18)Who's "Necks-t"? (Award for wrestler most likely to get injured)

the nominees: Edge, Jeff Hardy, HBK (again), Nash, Angle;

Harry Simon: I like my picks the way I like my women; easy. In a case of life imitating pun, Kurt Angle has the “Goldberg streak” of neck injuries, so he’s the easiest and best pick. The rest are worthy candidates, but face it: Hardy could break his neck tomorrow and he wouldn’t feel it for two years.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Now THIS is the award I can give to Nash. I predict he tears his bicep picking up a hair brush or a can of gel.

 

Dave Gagnon: Angle, the Steve McNair of wrestling. I wanted to see Santa Claus break his neck at Armageddon, only to give him the "Crippler" push.

 

Justin Shapiro: Hopefully Nash and hopefully quite comically.

 

Richard Waters: Nash. But really, who cares?

 

Renee: I think Angle's just about due for another injury. Apparently he works with constant pain. Some may say that takes heart. True, but it also means that you're a stubborn asshole who would rather put their own body at risk just so that no one can steal the show while he's gone. We'll be able to stick a fork in him soon enough.

 

Christopher Freda: Nash, come one he takes a dump and tears his ass hole out.

 

Brad Macleod: Oh, tough call. Edge won't be, he is playing it safe. HBK is just out of luck. Nash, though, is playing stupid and working again. Jeff is too dumb to stay down, and I believe Angle knows what he is doing. I am voting for Hardy.

 

Cameron Burge: Nash. I’m surprised he’s made it this long. There is a reason he’s known in the local wrestling circles here as Captain Injury(yeah....we aren’t very imaginative...). If you need further proof look at how he broke down and cried like a girl during his big tag match on Raw the last time he injured himself.

 

Canadian Bacon: Prolly Shawn Michaels. He’s ALWAYS getting hurt. (he even lost his smile once, and you know to look at him you’d never know he had a prosthetic face). Maybe HBK should start asking God to put the big time healing on him like jesus did with the Lazarus? It couldn’t hurt.

 

Michael Melchor: Edge. HOW many pushes for this guy have they had to interrupt because he slipped in one of Patterson's old used rubbers and sprained his neck?

 

Sean Carless: Kurt Angle. These days, those gold medals wrapped around his neck are the only thing keeping his entire head from falling off.

 

 

19)"EVEN WE'RE EMBARRASSED TO BE FANS. US!"

the nominees: Undertaker murders Paul Bearer, Heidenreich tries to murder Undertaker, JBL goose-steps, Big Show goes King Kong on Torrie and Angle, Booker discovers voodoo, Jacqueline wins the CW Title, WWE Originals, The Best Damn Wrestling Event Period, the Diva Search, Tough Enough;

 

Harry Simon: The Best Damn Wrestling Event Period…wasn’t.  this two-night suck-o-thon was everything I hate about wrestling kissing ass to “celebrities.” At least the Diva Search led to one WWE personality accusing the other of having “a cock (her) mouth,” which is a WWE first. At least, IN FRONT of the camera, that is.

 

Doctor Gonzo: This award is all Jackie’s. Not only did she kill the CW title dead (It doesn't have the prestige it did after it was killed last time and re-built), she was immediately fired after her loss back to Chavo. Not only that, but she killed a perfectly great "Chavo vs. the World" angle that could have seen some great CW being brought in, or some from the WWE, challenging Chavo for world prestige. They killed that angle, and fuck you Jackie for being the main reason.

 

Dave Gagnon: Taker murders Paul Bearer: It was the funniest moment of the year. You have the ref chastising The Dudleys because they double teamed Taker while Heyman is KILLING a human being!

 

Justin Shapiro: The Cum Guzzling Gutter Slut Diva Search.

 

Richard Waters: WWE Originals. I would ALWAYS leave the room or change the channel or talk REALLY LOUD when the commercial came on. "Put a Little Ass On It" - Song of the Year!

 

Renee: Booker discovers voodoo. This was the most embarrassing thing I've ever witnessed as a wrestling fan. From the damn fortune teller, the dirt from the unnamed grave, to the horrible acting job by Booker T, I'm amazed Taker allowed that story line to happen, it was so incredibly horrible.

 

Christopher Freda: JBL Goose Steps, I have a holocaust memorial tattooed on my right calf, do I have to say anything else?

 

Brad Macleod: Diva Search. The stupidest thing to ever happen to wrestling.

 

Cameron Burge: The Diva Search. As horrendously bad as the rest of the nominees were, this still is the one thing that had me wishing I was out playing basketball or something. Sure they looked nice, but I try to keep my porn away from wrestling. Call it a preference. I think I may have even been able to handle this it had been given its own show like the first two Tough Enoughs. But then the ho-bags invaded angles, and now I have to see them weekly. They walk around and suck up air that other more useful people could be breathing. It just pisses me off.

 

Canadian Bacon: Bret Hart and his faggoty ass Genie costume. What I don’t understand is that, if bret had the mystical power of the Jinn at his disposal and such, why couldn’t he use it to save owen from falling off that cliff and catching the death? At least send a flying carpet to soften his fall! Kinda selfish if yous ask me.

 

Michael Melchor: Undertaker's "Murder" of Paul Bearer. If for no other reason than we STILL have no resolution to that story at all.

 

Sean Carless: Definitely the Diva Search. People come to expect stupid angles in wrestling, but try EXPLAINING to non-fans why these women were humiliating themselves on TV in events that had nothing to do with wrestling - and just why I had my pants off when they did. (Boston Pizza told me I could never come back.).

 

  

 

20)"HOW ABOUT SOME CLEARASIL FOR THAT BACK?!" Award for most obvious Steroid job

the nominees: Batista, Gene Snitsky, Eddie Guerrero, Goldberg, Ryan Reeves from Tough Enough;

 

Harry Simon: I think I put it best when I said “(Snitsky & Edge & HHH & Batista) all had the expected backne, but Snitsky even had FRONTNE, for fuck’s sake!” If you’d like to read more about the history of steroid supergroups at the Series and you can’t pass the credit check needed to get a library card, go read the ‘Shmazz on this past November’s PPV.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Well as much as I would like to vote Ryan Reeves simply because he refuses to take his shirt off during the competition before he was eliminated, Batista gets this award for the second year in a row because his back is more pimples than back.

 

Dave Gagnon: Gene Snitsky. He's playing for the Yankees, right?

 

Justin Shapiro: Snitsky has bacne and frontne and probably kneene.

 

Richard Waters: Nobody came to see Silver Back. Seriously.

 

Renee: Ryan Reeves (TE) looked like he even worked out his jaws. He was just wired with this weird energy. His body looked like it was pumped up so tight that you could pop it with a pin.

 

Christopher Freda: Batista

 

Brad Macleod: Can't vote. Never noticed. But, if I have to, Batista.

 

Cameron Burge: Ryan Reeves. If any real Silverbacks were on that much juice they would probably die of a heart attack. He looked like a bust of King Kong glued to the legs of a 12 year old for crying out loud.

 

Canadian Bacon: There’s no steroids in wrestling. HHH told us so in an interview and I believe him. (why would he need to lie?)

 

Michael Melchor: A tough field to choose from, but Batista gets the nod for having almost as many veins as he does muscles.

 

Sean Carless: Gene Snitsky is definitely the breakout star of 2004…. literally. I wonder if you rubbed that Clearasil for Men on him if he’d completely disappear? 

 

 

21)EVEN MARLEE MATLIN COULD HEAR THAT: (for wrestler or diva with the most irritating voice)

the nominees:  Bill Demott, Michael Cole, Jeff Jarrett, Sable, Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross; Lita; Don West;

 

Harry Simon: Bill Demott is the worst wrestler-turned-announcer since Hillbilly Jim. And without the benefit of Hizzle-Bizzle’s “good ol’ boy” street cred to fall back, that makes the former “Laughing Man” the worst wrestler-turned-announcer EVER.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Come on, how is Todd Grisham NOT nominated? Or Josh Matthews? Of the people given, Michael Cole still pisses me off, but I like my write ins better.

 

Dave Gagnon: SCREAMING DON WEST!

 

Justin Shapiro: "Mordecai. has just damned this audience. to hell." - Michael Cole

 

Richard Waters: Sable vs. Demott. Whoever wins. We all lose.

 

Renee: Poor Lita. Can take a bump like any man and sound like one too. The fact that her voice seems to have no range in tone floors me. No matter what she says, how she says it or what she's doing while she says it, she always sounds the same. That deep, dull, half nasal, half druggie voice gives Steph the best run for her money yet.

 

Christopher Freda: Don West

 

Brad Macleod: Ohhhhh, stuck between Sable and West, here. Ah, shit. Grandma Mero gets my vote.

 

Cameron Burge: Jim Ross. To this day it still amazes me how he forms words without moving his mouth more than a centimeter at best. when you can understand what he’s saying you still have no idea what the hell he’s talking about, because it’s always some obscure Southern Euphemism or such bullshit. The only other things he knows how to say are "Harlot" and "Hoss" I think.

 

Canadian Bacon: Marlee Matlin is DEAF, dummy. She can’t hear anything. obviously yous people never saw children of a lesser god (I'm thinking Allah, maybe), which was glorious if I recall, but to vote I’d say the persons voice who gets on my nerves the most is prolly that Doug Basham. SHUT UP ALREADY.

 

Michael Melchor: He's gotten a LOT better since TNA's inception, but I'd be happy as a pig in shit if Don West suddenly went mute...

 

Sean Carless:  Few are shriller than Sable.  In fact,  during  a promo, my dog once  looked at me and said, "Dude, really?". Then he died. He was 7. And could talk.

 

 

22)"SPEAKING OF MARLEE MATLIN, WE ALL SHOULD BE SO LUCKY" (worst theme music)

the nominees:  Gail Kim, Victoria, Shelton Benjamin, Chavo Guerrero, William Regal’s new theme, everyone in NWA TNA.

 

Harry Simon: Victoria. Jiggle or no, she went from wrestling’s best entrance theme (TATU’s “All The Things She Said”) to some in-house piece of pop garbage. Screw Vince and his penny-pinchery!

 

Doctor Gonzo: I remember only ever liking Chris Sabin's music from TNA, but I think after Victoria dropped the Tatu theme, her new music sounded terrible. In the vicinity of cats being raped by dogs who were in turn raped by hot coals.

 

Dave Gagnon: Shelton Benjamin: Unfortunately, not only we can't stop him now, we can't stop his music either.

 

Justin Shapiro: OOOOOOOOH

UH HUH

UH HUH UH HUH

 

Richard Waters: Everyone in NWA TNA. It's all WCW-ish in that we CAN'T FUCKING HEAR IT!

 

Renee: Victoria has to have the worst music so far. Though the dancing has thankfully stopped, this "I'ma go wit my bad self" shit is embarrassing along with what they have done with my "precious"

 

Christopher Freda: Victoria, bring back Tatu!

 

Brad Macleod: And, this is the only time that I will put down my next ex-wife. Victoria, what the fuck?

 

Cameron Burge: Victoria. When this music first aired I vocally spoke to the empty room with a resounding, "What the hell is THIS shit?" As if the music wasn’t bad enough, she had to dance to it as well. This brings me to what is at least the bright side of her being completely buried. We don’t have to hear that music or see that dancing anymore.

 

Canadian Bacon: Prolly Victorias. I kinda miss the old song that was sang by those two Russian dykes Tutu or whatever they called themselves, and I always admired how they could have time for goin at eachothers popos as lesbos when you have to wait in line for 10 hours for a loaf of bread over there. That’s why I’m glad I live right here in God’s country of Canada LAND THAT I LOVE, and why despite it being good Tv, in real life, there's no such  thing as lesbians.

 

Michael Melchor: Victoria's new music is annoying as all hell, and to go to that from t.A.T.u.'s awesome music for her...that's just depressing.

 

Sean Carless: Victoria. They should pipe that song into every cave in Afghanistan. Bin Laden would be found within a day, hand written apology note in hand.

 

 

23)THE "ARGAIV" AWARD FOR LETDOWN OF THE YEAR. (Get it? Viagra spelled backwards)

the nominees:  Rock & Sock vs. Evolution (WMXX), Lesnar quits, Angle injured (AGAIN!), Feinstein’s bust ruins ROH, Outsiders ruin NWA TNA.

 

Harry Simon: Angle getting injured again killed half of Smackdown’s workrate. (Eddie’s meltdown took out the other half.) Even Kurt himself has said that his GM character was too one-dimensional to be truly captivating.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Well I guess I am an outsider on this because I loved Rock and Sock vs. Evolution, and from the crowd reaction, they threw away a great dream match between Rock vs. Flair. Anyway, the letdown in my eyes was Feinstein fucking ROH like it was a 6 year old's ass, while Michael Jackson (allegedly) forced him to drink Jesus juice and (allegedly) play with porno mags.

 

Dave Gagnon: Feinstein's true letdown was when he realized he wasn't getting some hot 14 year old action.

 

Justin Shapiro: Eddie Guerrero's world title reign.

 

Richard Waters: Outsiders take this one. I don't care what you did in so and so, what counts is in the WWE. They had me in my pajamas ready for bed. Not the NWO... AGAIN! Other then that I couldn't be happier. Lesnar is a loser. I enjoyed Sock vs. Evolution. Stupid kids wouldn't know a good wrestling match if it came up and bite them in the face.

 

Renee: Brock Lesnar quitting was the most unexpected and disappointing thing to happen to me as a fan this year. This man had the wrestling world at his fingertips and gave it up for his dream. Though I though wrestling was his dream, at least according to him. Hmmm... guess dreams change. I loved Brock from day one and I expected more of farewell. There was no thank you for your support through everything. No addressing of what other wrestlers have done for him. The fact that he left wasn't what upset me, to each his own, and if Lesnar wants to do football then I give him all the support in the world. But to not recognize the fans was wrong on his part and very damaging to his character as a man, not just as a wrestler.

 

Christopher Freda: Feinstein...although his bust didn't ruin ROH. It slowed shit down for a bit and gave TNA an excuse but it certainly didn't ruin ROH. Look at their attendance figures, they draw more than TNA, the merch sales are through the roof and the still have the best matches outside Japan bar none. And a RABID fan base.

 

Brad Macleod: I would have like to have seen Evo get theirs, and Foley to get that magical WM win.

 

Cameron Burge: Lesnar quits. Everyone was one hundred percent behind this guy and he opts out for a lame position on the practice team for the Vikings. I don’t just think Lesnar was the Next Big Thing. I think he could have been the next modern day legend. But now we’ll never know.

Canadian Bacon: My gramps took the Viagra once but he got it caught in his throat and now his neck is 19 inches long HAHAHAHAHAHA.!!!!

 

Actually the biggest let down for me was when Kamala appeared on Raw and NEVER WRESTLED!. What a waste of a legendary technician.

 

Michael Melchor: Leave it to Rob "Michael Jackson 2.0" Feinstein to damn near ruin a promotion that wrestling needs right now.

 

Sean Carless: Feinstein. Much like Michael Jackson, RF made headlines this year with some Pedophilic allegations. Only unlike Michael, I doubt Rob had cool things to play with at his house like emus and llamas. 

 

24)EVEN OZZY OSBOURNE HAS MORE CREDIBILITY.

the nominees:  Ric Flair downplays steroid use on ESPN, Brock Lesnar runs off to join the NFL, JBL explains why it’s okay to give "Heil Hitler" salutes in Germany, JBL says internet fans are gay, HHH explains why nobody’s as good as him in a mainstream interview, EVERY Hulk Hogan interview this year;

 

machocastaway.jpgHarry Simon: Another “no bad nominees” category. But at the end of the day, my vote goes to the Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaature Boy. Not only did he go on ESPN and basically say that there were no steroids in the WWE, but he took unprovoked cheapshots at Bret Hart in his book. The whole mess landed his saggy ass in Writer’s Court.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Now this is a packed category. As much as I would like to jump down Brock's throat, he did what he wanted to do, even though he sucks at it. It didn't directly fuck anyone over really, so that is ok in my book. The Flair steroid thing was pretty stupid, but what takes the cake is JBL calling ANYONE gay.

 

Dave Gagnon: Flair downplaying steroid use. You know what? Nobody should be ashamed to use steroids in wrestling. It's not a competitive sport, if they want to die at 40, it's their problem.

 

Justin Shapiro: WWE pretends HHH is real movie star with fake addition of his name to the marquee in the Blade trailer.

 

Richard Waters: I guess Hogan takes this one. He's almost as bad as Warrior. To be honest JBL is right on all accounts. The smarks are gay. He's allowed to do the Heil Hitler stint all he wants. You see in America we actually admit me make mistakes and don't hide them (Japan - Pearl Harbor as an example) as if they never happened. That's why America rules and everyone knows it. Here's proof guys. Everyone knows who our Prez is. We don't know who anyone else's leaders are. And the best part? We don't care!

 

Renee: SOS runs his mouth again. The fact that this man actually thinks he is "That Damn Good" cracks me up. To have the balls to go in public and state that he reigns supreme is obvious proof that he suffers from dementia and will most likely believe he is really Triple H when he's 75. Walking around spitting water on random passer bys.

 

Christopher Freda: JBL, fuck you and die.

 

Brad Macleod: HHH gets this one. Who the fuck does he think he is? 1988 Hulk Hogan?

 

Cameron Burge: HHH explains why nobody's as good as him in a mainstream interview. So much shit flows forth form his mouth in a constant stream, that I’m surprised his teeth haven’t turned brown. To claim you are the best at anything is a pretty dumbass comment to make as it is, especially when you are obviously on top thanks to who you are related to.

 

Canadian Bacon: Brock Lesnar leaving to pursue his dream of not making the Minnesota Vikings. But I can kinda sympathize with brock. I too had a dream to pursue a career in bacci ball but sadly my form was no good and I was rejected by the guidos (and I even boughts me some really nice knee-high socks too). Anyways there’s a big time lesson to be learned here. I just can't remember what it is.

 

Michael Melchor: Brock Lesnar has this one in the bag. How's that NFL career going, Brock? What? Whaddaya mean it's already over??

 

Sean Carless: WARRIOR! WARRIOR! WARRIOR! From encouraging the smiting of homosexual Mexican liberals as they try to illegally enter this country, (I heard they all synchronize swim to get here), to verifying the Championship belt he was selling was LEGIT on his WORD alone (The guy has fucking “WARRIOR” written on his driver’s license), no one kicks credibility in the balls harder, and then grabs them in a press slam (you're only allowed to handle men's equipment if it leads to a finish) than our man Warriah!

 

 

25)THE AC/DC "BIG BALLS" AWARD. Greatest show of testicular fortitude.

the nominees: Orton (Backlash), Kid Kash for his shoot interview, Pat Patterson for speaking out against HHH, TNA invades WWE Royal Rumble Commercial;

 

Harry Simon: I’ll let everyone else do the obvious Patterson jokes. Me, I’m going with the Kay-Eye-Dee. Kid Kash’s outrageous shoot interview is a must-must-see. You owe it to yourself to head on over to www.bbrownvideo.com and pick up this bad boy. The guy pulls absolutely no punches and makes Tom Zenk look like a company suck-up.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Damn this has to be a tie for Patterson and Orton. Orton did shit that HHH would not do in his match against Foley, probably because he was too smart, but he gained immense popularity for it. Shows what a good brutal beating can do for a career. Patterson gets a tie in this category for losing his job over an opinion, and while he was not fired, he was probably met with Vince looking at his watch and saying, "You know Pat? I think it's time you retire" while Tomko and Moedecai clean out his office (they have to be good for something, right?)

 

Dave Gagnon: Pat Patterson, not surprising since he knows a thing or two about testicles.

 

Justin Shapiro: Steve Austin no-selling the beer that hit him in the face at Wrestlemania.

 

Richard Waters: Orton by far. In this day and age nobody is willing to do a Foley stunt. I seriously doubt anyone watching that match for the first time (without knowing the outcome ala a DVD release) could foresee Randy instead of Foley taking the bump. Good show Orton.

 

Renee: Pat Patterson has some set I tell ya. It takes a real man to stand up to someone you have been a friend as well as consultant to for as many years as he did. To take on the politics of the WWe is a challenge for anyone but to have your right hand man express his obvious disgust knowing what's on the line has to stand for something. Too bad it had no bearing on how things are still going down.

 

Christopher Freda: Pat Patterson, but he's used to whipping out his balls.

 

Brad Macleod: Pat Patterson on this one. The guy lost his job for saying it like it is.

 

Cameron Burge: Pat Patterson speaking out on HHH. Somebody in a high position in good standing with Vince says what we’ve been saying for years now. And he gets FIRED for it. Pat had to go into that one knowing it was a dangerous topic but he did what he thought was best for the company and that takes some big brass nuts if you ask me.

 

Canadian Bacon: I’m gonna go outside the box here and pick: ME. That’s right!!!! Not only do I actually have humongous testicles in real life (I have a medicular condition known scrotus giganticus) and as a result I’m always sitting on them (which smarts) I’m also a big time outsider here at this website, even though I TELLS IT LIKE IT IS!!! And the other writers are jealous of me for it and prolly a little gay too.

 

Michael Melchor: Pat Patterson. All those years of swallowing seed have finally given him his own set of testicles.

 

Sean Carless: Pat Patterson - if only because I’m going to take this chance to make some last jokes at his expense. But seriously, whether or not he really “retired” or not because of his negativity over HHH’s unending push, it still took balls to speak up - balls that if you've actually seen them, firsthand, means you're in for at least a run with the tag belts. The sad part is now one of WWE’s best minds for creative finishes, and the inventor and booker of many a Royal Rumble, won’t be around to pass on his expertise/check for Hernias. Now, with that in mind, isn’t it strange that Patterson would invent a concept that sees men trying to push other men out of a ring, when he himself has spent SO many years trying to push himself into one? See! I told you I’d make one last joke.  I never said it'd be good, though.

 

 

26)THE BEST THING SINCE INTERNET PORN. (Wrestler of The Year Award)

the nominees: Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Jericho, AJ Styles. Randy Orton, HHH, HBK, Shelton Benjamin; Samoa Joe (ROH);

 

Harry Simon: HBK and two-thirds of Team Angle Classic got injured. Eddie imploded (again). RKO and A.J. were held back and buried by Kliqheads. HHH can still be carried, but no way should he be nominated for this. Samoa Who? Is that one of the assholes who works for the boy toucher’s promotion?

That leaves the Chrisses. Jericho had a kick-ass feud with Christian and established Benjamin as a strong IC champ. He cut the best consistent promos of anyone in the WWE, to boot. Benoit finally became the PPV main eventer he long deserved to be. In a squeaker, I’ve gotta give it to the Crippler, if for no other reason than the sheer emotion conveyed by his wins at the Rumble and Mania.

 

Doctor Gonzo: As much as I want to give this to Benoit and Eddie because I watch them more, AJ gets my vote simply because everytime I watch a match of his, I am left in awe. He constantly pulls out insanely unique moves that are solid, and also can sell like a fucking maniac. AJ is the wrestler of the year, but on success and proven ability, Benoit wins hands down. AJ eeks it out here.

 

Dave Gagnon: Chris Ben-wah, even though I am troubled to see him always in his wrestling gear, even when he's not wrestling.

 

Justin Shapiro: Benoit

 

Richard Waters: Randy Orton. If it wasn't for his burial since SS it would be Benoit. Randy has been on fire since well ever. The smarks can complain, but he is THE man. How many times have you been World Champ?

 

Renee: Shelton Benjamin takes this one for me. He's given us some of the most well put together matches I've seen in a while. He continues to show us his resilience and stamina day in and day out. He's an easily likeable wrestler and has everything he needs to be great. He's taken on some of the best and has beaten them to make his mark in wrestling. I expect nothing but great things from this man.

 

Christopher Freda: This is a close one between Joe and AJ. Samoa Joe has held the ROH World Title (It's been defended in England and Germany, it's a legit World Title) for almost 2 years so I'll give him the edge. Plus his three title matches against CM Punk (One Hour Draws at World Title Classic and Joe vs. Punk II before finally defeating Punk with the Choke at All Star Extravaganza II) were the stuff of legend.

 

Brad Macleod: Jericho IS the total Package.

 

Cameron Burge: AJ Styles. He’s almost single handedly kept people watching TNA impact. If it weren’t for him the company would probably be dead already instead of strutting to the slow death it is now. If that doesn’t deserve wrestler of the year, I don’t know what does.

 

Canadian Bacon: VISCERA! (even though he’ll always just be Mabel to me). I was SO happy when they brought back Mabel this year, and was finally looking forward to him bringing back WORKRATE to the WWF!!!! But sadly I’ve only seen him wrestle a couple of times since then but I’m not worried because you CAN’T HOLD DOWN TALENT, althought that's how u win matches.

 

Michael Melchor: Randy Orton had one hell of a breakout year and seems to be one of 2 guys (alongside John Cena) that people actually care enough about to keep in the main events.

Sean Carless: Chris Benoit. The man who spent most of the year convincing us he was for real. So, ya, you can totally cancel that Psychiatrist's appointment because he's totally not a figment of your imagination. ( OR IS HE? Sean's edit; 2011.).

 

 

27)MATCH OF THE YEAR (other than my Ass and your Face)

the nominees: Royal Rumble match (RR04), Eddie vs. Brock (No Way Out), Jericho vs. Christian (WMXX), Eddie vs. Angle (WMXX), Benoit vs. HHH vs. HBK (WMXX), RKO vs. Foley (Backlash), Benoit vs. HHH vs. HBK (Backlash), Clique In A Cell: HHH vs. HBK (Bad Blood), Eddie vs. Angle (SummerSlam), Benoit vs. RKO (SummerSlam)…. We haven’t had a really good match since August, have we?

 

Harry Simon: HHH vs. HBK vs. Benoit (WMXX). Simply put, this was the best-booked match I’ve seen in nine years, capped off by the IWC’s wet-dream tap-off. The spot of being the main event of a milestone WM came with high expectations, and the guys lived up to ‘em all better than I would have thought possible.

 

Doctor Gonzo: HHHvs. Shawn vs. Benoit was simply spectacular. I've seen more amazing 3-way dances, but none of them were more dramatic than this.

 

Dave Gagnon: Your ass and...oh, other than that one? RKO/Foley, baby. Thumbtacks, barbed wire, blood and ropes. Oh yeah. Those ropes were looking fine that night.

 

Justin Shapiro: Mania main event. p.s. Fuck that fucking Hell in a Cell of two dudes making out with each other for 45 minutes.

 

Richard Waters: WM main event. Clique in a cell? WTF? The match itself was awesome. I marked out like crazy. I'm sure I'm not alone. The match ended perfectly and it was fitting to an end of an era of sorts. Wrestling truly should have stopped then.

 

Renee: Y2J vs Christian easily makes the cut for me on this one. To me they stole the show as usual when these two are in the ring together. I guess it was also because they had a good story line behind the match, but Jericho and Christian always deliver when they are together. All the other noms are boring repeats except Orton and Benoit but that really didn't do too much for me since the crave was to have Orton win the title from Trip.

 

Christopher Freda: American Dragon Bryan Danielson vs Austin Aries, 2 out of 3 Falls at ROH: Testing the Limit on 8/7/04 in Philly. Yours truly was second row.

 

Brad Macleod: Eddie vs. Angle WM. Twist ending, establishing a gimmick (cheat to win) and the underdog gets the gold. Not to mention amazing wrestling.

 

Cameron Burge: Orton/Foley. I may not have liked seeing Foley jobbed out to Orton multiple times, but it was still an awesome match. The entire match was well done from start to finish and proved that Mick can still get in there and do what he loves. I actually wouldn’t mind seeing more of the same from Foley or Orton again sometime.

 

Canadian Bacon: I guess I’ll pick the Wrestlemania Twenty triple threat match. It still has a long way to go before it touches Hulk Hogan versus Sid Justice though (had papa shango run in or even made someone puke I’d prolly feel differently)

 

Michael Melchor: Yeah we have, Sean - the Six Sides Of Steel between AMW and Triple X at TNA's Turning point. That match gets my vote. No titles, just pride and team survival were the backstory, and both teams beat each other senseless for over 20 minutes and gave us some brilliant spots (Elix Skipper walked the fucking cage!!) along the way. Well done, gentlemen.

 

Sean Carless: For my money, it’s definitely Benoit/HBK/Trips at Wrestlemania XX, which is ironic because I have none. I have your's, though, so I'll be fine.

 

 

28)The BENNIFER Award for Worst Match of the Year:

the nominees:  Undertaker Vs. JBL at Summer Slam, Goldberg Vs. Lesnar at WM XX; Steven Richards Vs. Tyson Tomko; WWE Unforgiven; Miss Jackie & Stacy Vs. Torrie & Sable,WM XX; Bob Holly Vs. Lesnar, Royal Rumble; Taker Vs. Heidenreich, Survivor Series; Christy Hemme Vs. Carmella: Taboo Tuesday; Jeff Jarrett Vs. Jeff Hardy: TNA Victory Road;

 

Harry Simon: I’d say Jeff vs. Jeff from Victory Road. As main event of their first three-hour PPV, it was the single most important match in TNA history. Not only did they drop the ball, but CholesterHall dipped it in chocolate, deep-fried it, and ate it with a pizza chaser. Go read my monster VR review for more info on this stinkbomb of a main event.

 

Doctor Gonzo: GOldberg and Lesnar win this because I haven't seen any of the others except the girls at Mania XX. This was more of a train wreck, although I think Lesnar and Goldberg had bigger tits than the girls.

 

Dave Gagnon: Christy Hemme vs Carmella. Hemme took forever to change and when they finally had the match, Carmella's shoulders were clearly off the mat. Thank god she's not a Hart, otherwise we would have heard a lot about it.

 

Justin Shapiro: Stevie vs. Tomko.

 

Richard Waters: I'd go with Tomko/Richards. The match was boring and went on for ever and ever. The crowd didn't care either. I enjoyed Taker/JBL, Miss Jackie. I never saw Taboo Tuesday or Victory Road either.

 

Renee: Christy Hemme vs Carmella was sad. See it had potential to me a bit interesting. A boxing match were all the Carmella haters can see Christy kick her ass in the ring the way we all wanted to see it done. But not only did Carmella not get her ass kicked but, the bitches didn't even fight. For a segment that was already a waste of fuckin time, they could have at least had some bloody lips or something. Basically summed up the whole "Diva" bullshit in a nutshell.

 

Christopher Freda: Holly vs. Lesnar

 

Brad Macleod: Lesnar vs. Holly. That was a waste of time, and dumb. At least Big Jon was trying to get a push.

 

Cameron Burge: Steven Richards Vs. Tyson Tomko(WWE Unforgiven). this had to be the lowest point in Richards’ career, and that is saying a lot. The fact that Richard’s was ever forced to do that "Mysterious Woman" bit in the first place was an atrocity, but for it to come to and end in a squash match against Tyson fucking Tomko and never even be explained is even worse.

 
Canadian Bacon: The match between torri Wilson & Sable and Miss Jackie and Stacy. I was sitting there with a glob of bacon grease on my dink-hand ready to pull the pud and nothing happened! Thanks alot WWE! Perfectly good fat went to waste cause of you! (not me).

 

Michael Melchor: Goldberg vs. Lesnar at WMXX - and every fan at MSG KNEW it.

 

Sean Carless: Tomko/Richards. I think I'd rather open the Ark of the Covenant than see that match again.

 

 

29)BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT SINCE FAKE TITTIES WERE INVENTED (most improved wrestler of the year)

the nominees:  Robert Conway, Coach, Shelton Benjamin, Randy Orton, Gail Kim, Batista, Nidia, Kane, Rene Dupree, Petey Williams;

 

Harry Simon: Shelton Benjamin swam upstream against WWE “creative” and not only successfully made the transition from tags to singles, but developed into a strong character to boot. I feel bad for Neidhaas, but that’s the way the tag team crumbles.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Oh come on now. This is easy. Coach gets this award. Have you seen a bigger improvement from a man who jumped from the announcers table, to in ring worker? He can sell really well and can even throw a convincing punch as seen by his "match" against Rhyno. He has thoroughly impressed me with his ring work.

 

Dave Gagnon: Batista. The Power Of Dave compels you.

 

Justin Shapiro: Batista.

 

Richard Waters: Shelton Benjamin. One year ago this guy was boring the hell out of me with a skit against the APA and his Gauntlet match. Now there ain't no stopping him.......... no.

 

Renee: Funny enough I vote for Coach on this one. Though, not a wrestler really, he's gone from a slightly funny annoyance to a really hilarious mother fucker that I actually look forward to seeing in segments. He brings an air of relief to wrestling. His cockiness and false bravado has me dying with laughter. I give Coach props for knowing how to bring any reaction he wants out of a crowd without looking like a complete imbecile.

 

Christopher Freda: Orton

 

Brad Macleod: Nidia went from shit to believable. That is what matters to me.

 

Cameron Burge: Batista. He used to be a nobody big man that followed Rev. D-von around. Just recently he was a nobody big man that followed Triple H around. But after Orton left Evolution, Batista slowly developed character and a couple of new moves in the ring(though he still uses the spine buster way too much). Now he actually gets pops from the crowd and people are waiting for his eventual turn with  bated breath. Now that’s what I call an improvement.

 

Canadian Bacon: Robert Conway, even if he is a dirty Frenchman like that Dave Gagnon and his sleazy moustache!

 

Michael Melchor: Randy Orton takes this one home from being a pain in the ass to a major player inside of 12 months' time.

 

Sean Carless: Batista. Can you have an animal put down for being a terrible wrestler? Is there a shoebox big enough for Dave? ALL QUESTIONS SHATTERED THIS YEAR BY HIS IMPROVED WRESTLING, AND PEOPLE WHO REALIZE IT'S JUST A NICKNAME AND THAT HE'S A LEGIT HUMAN BEING.

 

 

30)I’D BUY IT... IF I COULDN’T STEAL IT (PPV of the year):

the nominees: WMXX, Backlash, SummerSlam. Royal Rumble 2004; No Way out 2004;

 

Harry Simon: WMXX had three awesome matches (Y2J vs. CLB, Eddie vs. Angle, HHH vs. HBK vs. Benoit) that made the rest of the crap worthwhile. Even those Tag Title four-ways. Think about this: Out of the eight teams who competed in those, only TWO are still together (Dudleys and Bashams).

 

Doctor Gonzo: Wrestlemania XX waas great, but Backlash was shorter and had great matches too. Hmm, this is tough. I toss a coin and say Mania-Backlash as the coin falls on it's side! Eerie...

 

Dave Gagnon: My favorite PPV of the year was "Lipstick Lesbians 4". The wrestling PPV of the year, however, was Backlash.

 

Justin Shapiro: Wrestlemania. No good PPVs since Backlash.

 

Richard Waters: WrestleMania with SummerSlam in close second. I loved every second of WMXX. It was the perfect PPV. Perfect. SummerSlam had a few rough spots: matches were short. I don't see how NWO is even an option. It was a one-match event. Good match. Not great.

 

Renee: I'd have to choose WMXX, only because it's the last pro match Brock was in. Though it cannot be viewed as a defining match for him in any way. And though I will always miss Brock being a part of wrestling, the stunner to both him and Goldberg by Austin after was basically my words exactly and I'm sure many of the fans too.

 

Christopher Freda: WMXX

 

Brad Macleod: WMXX. Lived up to the hype.

 

Cameron Burge: Royal Rumble 2004. Mania may have been where it happened for Benoit and Eddie, but The Rumble is where it all began. I’ve always been a big fan of the Royal Rumble and so with this one being such a milestone for Chris Benoit, I am dying to own it on DVD sometime soon.

Canadian Bacon: We don’t have cable here. I have to rely on my friend Julius to send the results my way through his trained Budgie, Frank. (unfortunately the bird died recently when Madison fed it too many baby pickles so I’ll prolly be lost for the next few payperviews ).

 

Michael Melchor: WrestleMania XX. I've said it before and I'll say it again - it wasn't a PPV, it was an EVENT. And one I was glad to be at Ker's Wing House in Daytona to catch on the big screen (TV).

 

Sean Carless: My NaMe Is EuGeNe on WWE Fanatic series….the best 2 hours spent watching a Retard kick ass since that mongoloid in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. Oh, and maybe Wrestlemania XX. Less retards there, though.

 

 

31)WENDY WHOPPERS "BEST PAIR OF THE YEAR" (Best tag team)

the nominees:  Bacardi & Cola (Haas & Benjamin), The World’s Gayest Tag Team (Rico & Haas), Tokin’ Black Guy (RVD & Booker), D-Generated Nex, a.k.a. The Megahosers, a.k.a. E&B (Edge & Benoit), Homolition (Bashams), AMW, XXX, Dudleys, Harry Simon & Sean Carless;

 

Harry Simon: It should have been me and Sean as “The Can-Am Correction” but SOMEBODY didn’t like my suggestion that he take a 20-minute beatdown before I get the hot tag, no-sell everyone, and save the day. Bah!

Anyway, tag team wrestling hasn’t been this bad since the mid-90s, so my backhanded compliment goes to Rico & Haas for being the most entertaining team of the year BY FAR.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Harry and Sean get the ass kissing, and best writers on the net vote, but nothing beats Haas and Benjamin in the ring. They should have never been split up so quickly.

 

Dave Gagnon: The Megahosers, eh? Good day! Good day.

 

Justin Shapiro: Edge and Benoit had all those great matches.

 

Richard Waters: To be honest I'd say Sean Carless and Photoshop. The images on this site (and stolen for others!) are golden. Then again he and Harry Simon are the same person...

 

Renee: No contest...Harry and Sean have my vote with no question. In this past year these two have shown me more about the art of writing and wrestling than I could have ever imagined. Though they probably didn't even realize it. They are two of the greatest and most clever minds I've ever had the privilege of knowing. They're fair and encouraging and are always willing to give a dreamer a shot. Yup, I'd say they're the best team in web town.

 

Christopher Freda: XXX

 

Brad Macleod: Rico and Haas worked well for me. Good in ring ability and great charisma. I will miss Rico.

 

Cameron Burge: Bacardi & Cola. Heh. I love that title. These two were a dominant force as a tag team, but have since split up and Shelton has become an extremely solid singles competitor, while Haas went on to get saddled with Rico, and then Jackie and Dawn. Shelton obviously go the better of this deal. Somehow, I miss having them as a tag team, tearing up the ranks on Smackdown, but then I realize there aren’t really any "ranks" left on Smackdown, so maybe it’s all for the better.

Canadian Bacon: Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin. Just like an Oreo cookie they brought chocolate and white together and made it delicious even though you can’t eat them (unless yer dirty cannibals like those filthy Kenyans)

 

Michael Melchor: America's Most Wanted take this one home for being the tag-team centerpiece of a promotion that actually still values wrestling. And did I mention they're the best I've seen since The Eliminators?

Sean Carless: Can-Am Correction? Sure beats my suggestion of Hairless Inc. 

 

Anyway, I think my favorite team this year, believe it or not,  was actually Regal & Eugene; a team that, with the addition of Regal's unfortunate new singlet, looked like a grandmother taking her disabled son swimming, and to maybe pet the ducks. I don't know what that has to do with anything, however. And I doubt I ever will.

 

 

32)FULL-FRONTAL FEUDITY (Feud of the year)

the nominees: HBK vs. HHH, Benoit vs. HBK vs. HHH, Jericho vs. Christian, Foley vs. Orton, Eddie vs. Angle, Edge vs. Benoit. Lita Vs. Trish; JBL Vs. Eddie;

 

Harry Simon: Jericho vs. Christian gets the nod for being two guys who excel at every stupid thing they get put through. Excellent promos, tremendous matches, and just plain great chemistry together. This feud is still going on, too, which is a big plus in the “here today, forgotten tomorrow” world of the WWE. Honorable mention to AMW-XXX for intriguing angles (like the mix-n-match title switch) and usually, good matches.

 

Doctor Gonzo: Foley vs. Orton was everything a good feud should be: convincing, intense and brutal. Simply put it was wonderful. Seems they drag Foley out of the mothballs to start a hot feud and they did it again with Hassan.

 

Dave Gagnon: Foley vs Orton, in your typical "Foley gets his ass kicked for months and you still think he has a shot but then gets destroyed again and, somehow, remains over" feud. I think the last time Foley won a match, he was teaming with Maxx Payne.

 

Justin Shapiro: Foley vs. Orton.

 

Richard Waters: The Three Way takes the poon tang pie for this one. The start of the year was great and I was really into wrestling like never before. What the hell happened?

 

Renee: I give this one to Y2J and Christian also. Not that the feud was this great and stupendous thing. But I give it to them for the entertainment value and the things that came out of the feud itself. It led to one of the best heel turns in history (Trish's) and some of the greatest in ring performances I've seen in years. Not to mention one liners of classic proportion. It displayed both men as more than marketable talents as well as blew away any beliefs that Jericho's time as a mainstream wrestler was over. The only negative thing I can think of in regards to the whole entire feud is Tomko.

 

Christopher Freda: Benoit vs. HBK vs. HHH

 

Brad Macleod: Foley and Orton. I haven't wanted someone to die that bad since Hogan/Savage, and I was a kid at the time.

 

Cameron Burge: Foley vs. Orton. This was the feud to make Randy what he is. Without it he would probably still be just another crony for Triple H to take a piss on whenever he likes. It’s no wonder that this would also lead into my match of the year pick as I was into this feud from start to finish.

 

Canadian Bacon: Me Vs. The other writers here. And a victory for me quite handily to boot this I can assure you!

Michael Melchor: Triple-H and Shawn Michaels had all the history in the world AND the greatest matches to back it up. Any other vote, in my opinion, is a wasted one.

Sean Carless: It HAS to be Foley Vs. Orton, 100%. This was probably the single best built feud I’ve seen in YEARS. It had everything you could ask for:  a smarmy antagonist, spit in faces, GREAT emotion, and finally, a brutal and bloody climax. Just like sex with me.

 

 

 

33)"LIKE SCROTUM, HERE IT IS IN A NUTSHELL" (Single defining moment of 2004, good or bad)

the nominees:  Benoit’s Rumble win, Eddie & Benoit’s WMXX celebration, Rock rubs Eugene, Benoit’s Edmonton homecoming, Feinstein pedo bust; ROH-TNA shenanigans; Outsiders sign with NWA TNA; HHH wins title from RKO, TNA’s first 3 hour PPV; Lita & Kane's wedding;

 

Harry Simon: Believe it or not, I’d rather mark out for something than complain about why it sucked. That’s why I’m going with Benoit’s Rumble win. I had all but given up on the WWE’s ability to do anything right when lo and behold, the Crippler goes coast-to-coast and eliminates the Big Show in the best Rumble since 1992’s Flair-a-thon. I can’t remember the last time I marked out that hard. I still ache. But the important thing is that for the first time in at least three years, I had HOPE for the future and I couldn’t wait to see what was going to happen next.

Runner-up is the RF bust for showing me that ROH wrestlers and fans are sick assholes who don’t care that a guy is running around molesting children so long as they get a broadway between Samoa Joe and C.M. Punk. There’s a special place for them all in the NAMBLA wing of Hell.

 

Doctor Gonzo: This is another stacked category. While "The Rock rubs Eugene" sounds like the Rob Feinstein choice, the Feinstien bust was incredibly shocking and rocked the wrestling world shaking of ROH for good. The HHH title win said a TON. It was basically a statement that at the first sign of trouble from the babyface champ, pass Trips the belt and it will be all ok. Plus they threw away their main event of Mania in a meaningless match. But I think the moment that defined the year for me was Benoit and Eddie in the ring at Mania holding World Titles. It was a beautiful and emotional moment that many thought would never happen. Simply great.

 

Dave Gagnon: Lita and Kane's wedding: Kane entering to the wedding version of his theme was the moment of the year.

 

Justin Shapiro: Evolution turning on Orton the night after SummerSlam, wasting everything that had come before then and ruining everything that would come after it.

 

Richard Waters: The celebration at XX. You take two guys who were always seen as mid-carders and here there are at the BIGGEST EVENT EVER with the biggest prizes either guy could ever grasp. The Benoit-mark in me thought Eddie was reigning on his parade. But when you think about their history it makes sense. Although if you're a loser smark you remember that the last time they met prior to this they were feuding. We all can't be picky...

 

Renee: Eddie and Benoit's WMXX celebration kinda does sum it up for me. Yeah!!

 

Christopher Freda: For me it was the ROH vs. TNA deal. It forced ROH to completely change direction and build new stars. SO far it's been an overwhelming success. It would be great to have AJ and Daniels back but, we don't need them. Hey, when they fold in 90 days we'll have them back anyway.

 

Brad Macleod: The celebration at WMXX was beautiful.

 

Cameron Burge: Kane and Lita’s Wedding. Bad Acting meets Bad Looking, some midgets are thrown in for fun and somebody gets the hell beat out of them before the night is over.......yeah that about sums it up for me.

 

Canadian Bacon: Rock rubs Eugene? How dare Rocky take advantage of the mentally challenged by sexually insulting them!

 

Michael Melchor: The WMXX Celebration of Benoit & Guerrero let us know that a new generation is (slowly) coming into its own in WWE. The future looks bright for actual wrestling; now all we need to do is shove Heineyreich in front of an oncoming semi ...

 

Sean Carless: Definitely Benoit & Eddie’s emotional celebration at Wrestlemania, and the only time Benoit, to my knowledge, has been able to complete a hug on another human being.

 

34) TWF WRITER OF THE YEAR 2004
the nominees: Harry Simon, Dave Gagnon, Richard Waters, Dr. Gonzo; Michael Melchor, Canadian Bacon, Sean Carless, Renee, Christopher Freda, Brad Macleod, Gadaffi Duck, Jason Hart;
 
And the GOLDEN TENAY GOES TO:  ...... (Click Here).
 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).