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Welcome to the 1st Annual FANNY AWARDS. The Fanny Awards aren't just a collection of tastelessly named Year-End Awards...they're actually...ah, who are we kidding? If you're familiar with this site, you know that the Fanny's are our version of the Super Bowl - only we don't snap each other in the asses with towels, and take homoerotic showers together. Usually.

 
 Anyway, if you're somewhat sensitive, you may not want to read any further. You may also want to stop being such a stupid fucking pussy.
 
On with the show!

1)FINISH OF THE YEAR. Which wrestler's death was the best, most original, or most memorable?

Nominees: Elizabeth, Curt Hennig, Stu Hart, Freddie Blassie, Stu Hart, Hawk, Crash Holly, The Wall;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart:Elizabeth. Not enough bitches O.D.

Harry Simon: Elizabeth. How sad that she died a virgin. Oh come on, like she ever got the high hard one from Club Shrunken Testicles (Savage, Hogan, Luger). What puts this over the top was the fact that they aired the 911 call of Use-Lex on Confidential.

Use-Lex: "Oh my god! Oh my god! I don't know what to do!"

911 Operator: "Try taking the food out of her mouth so she'll stop choking on it, fucktard."

Honorable passing mention to The Wall for the fact that La Parka found his body. See, now if Parka had been in costume during this, Wall would have been the runaway, er, rotaway winner. Imagine if a maid walked in and found this skeleton man standing over a dead wrestler. "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

Dr. Gonzo: Elizabeth hands down. From one of the hottest chicks in the 80s, to a drugged up corpse at Lex Lugar's house. I don't know which one sounds better, but either way it makes for one superb death story.

Michael Melchor: Stu Hart, who wins most original honors this year by passing from natural causes...

Christopher Freda: I vote for Liz

Sean Carless: Mr. Perfect, dead at 44. Hulk Hogan, YOU can't do that.....but, hey, do feel free to try.

2)THE FALSE FINISH. This is the award that honors one legend, saying "I can't fucking believe he/she lived another year."

Nominees: Mae Young, Fabulous Moolah, Bobby Heenan, Superstar Billy Graham, Bronco Lubich, Scott Hall, Jake Roberts, Jeff Hardy, Wrestling Fan's own Jason Hart

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Jake Roberts. Suddenly, the Queen isn't the only person in England who's outlived their usefulness!

Harry Simon: Mae Young must have made a deal with the devil. I mean, besides Vince.

Dr. Gonzo:Mae Young in the hizzie right here. Every time I expect to read a story that this woman's legs have fallen off after turning to dust, she turns up on RAW and takes an asskicking the likes of which would kill a normal 80 year old woman. Can this be the future of Trips or perhaps Stephanie? We can only hope.

Michael Melchor:Bronco Lubich - I didn't even know he was still alive!

Christopher Freda: Mae Young. When the fuck is she going to die?????

Sean Carless: It'd be too easy to choose Jake Roberts...so naturally that was my first choice. However, upon further reflection, I decided to go with Scott Hall, because come on, when you get so "bombed" that violating a 60 year old woman seems like a good idea, you know that the boney hand of the reaper can't be too far behind. Trust me, I'm watching out for him all the time.

3)YER FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED! Best instance of a promotion giving some fuck-up his walking papers.

Nominees: Jeff Hardy (WWE), Teddy Hart (NWA), Teddy Hart (ROH). Roddy Piper (WWE)

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Roddy Piper earns this one. My only disappointment with his whole deal this year was that WWE never brought Buff Bagsweat back for a re-match of the epic Piper-Bagsweat boxing encounter.

Harry Simon: Teddy Hart (ROH) narrowly edges out Teddy Hart (TNA). C'mon guys, vomit AND having his bags thrown out of the building?! What more could you want?

Dr. Gonzo:Man this category is gold, and all of these men deserve the award, but I will just have to go with Jeff Hardy, just edging out Teddy Hart. Jeff turned into one of the saddest men in the ring to watch, botching more moves than Lita and Trish, and looking like Luna Vachon at some points. Zero Charisma, zero talent, zero annual income

Michael Melchor:Teddy Hart (ROH) came awfully close, but good ol' Roddy Piper (WWE) takes this home for being just that much more stupid. Showing off for the hand that feeds you is one thing, but BITING it off?

Christopher Freda: Roddy Piper (WWE)He can't work and he destroyed Sean O'Haire's push

Sean Carless: I have to go with Teddy Hart. Nothing says "professional" like puking all over the ring after a match - and this was even without Papa Shango being anywhere near the building. (Didn't he put a curse on the Hart family back in 1992? If so, umm, good job?).

4)EVEN WE WOULDN'T HIT IT. Who was the ugliest woman of the year? nominees: Skankanie McMahon Levesque, Shaniqua, Linda McMahon, Nidia, Jason's Mom.

nominees: Stephanie McMahon Levesque, Shaniqua, Linda McMahon, Nidia, Jason's Mom..

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: As much as my heart says to vote "mom" on this one, I'll have to go with Shaniqua. I'd have hot monkey sex with the rest...well, maybe hot palsy sex with Linda, you know, just to be careful.

Harry Simon: Skankanie McMahon Levesque. It would be like vicariously fucking Paul. Linda is runner-up for a similar reason

Dr. Gonzo:I would have to say Stephanie, because for a twenty something year old "woman" she looks and sounds like Chyna more and more everyday. Her tits are so far apart Rikishi could give her chest a stinkface, with room to spare. She used to be damn hot, but then all the "HGH" she takes in her mouth and ass turned her into something that crawled out of a swamp.

Michael Melchor:Linda McMahon - big rack or no, I can see why Vince writes himself the affairs he does (although he'll still be faithful by booking himself to be with someone whom the Center for Disease Control has on speed-dial).

Christopher Freda:Ummm....I wouldn't hit any of them but Linda's the leat likely

Sean Carless: I wanted to say Jason's Mom, who is a handsome woman - and I mean that in the Harley Race sense - but I decided against it at the last minute, while puking and showering Einhorn-style. My pick is of course Shaniqua, or "Afryka" as I like to call her, from a distance, a safe distance, in my predominantly white neighborhood. It's not that she's not attractive per se, but I just tend to like my women to not have a penis, that's all. Most times.

5)POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR. Backstage maneuvering should be rewarded in year end awards, just like it's rewarded in real life.

Nominees: HHH, Nash, Undertaker; Jeff Jarrett, Hulk Hogan,Steve Austin;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Originally, I was ready to vote 'Taker, but I changed my mind and have decided to give it to ol' Steve-O. Anyone who can walk out twice in a six-month period, get charged for beating his hose-bag wife(even though she probably deserved it), come back in no shape to perform at all and still end up with the majority of face time on the company's flagship program has got to be up to no good backstage.

Harry Simon: During an IM conversation with Sean, I invented the definitive TWF question. "Is Nash-hole supposed to be hyphenated?" Anyway, ol' Bird Legs takes it home for making the most money with the least ability.

Dr. Gonzo: Jeff Jarrett: While Trips could take this award easily, he is only Vince's step son. Jeff is blood related to the head of TNA, and it shows as he is one of the most unover wrestlers, but still booked himself as a strong babyface, and then as a crappy heel as well. At least Trips is over with the fans somewhat...What the hell am I saying? I hate them both.

Michael Melchor:Jeff Jarrett - it's one thing to marry the bosses daughter to stay on top, but OWNING THE COMPANY edges that perk out just a tad...

Christopher Freda: HHH, The grand champ

Sean Carless: I think Trippers is still the standard bearer of politicking and will be for a LONG time. Man. I wish *I* could fuck my boss's daughter and get all the sweet perks that come with it. She's 13. I'm in jail.

6)EVEN MARLEE MATLIN COULD HEAR THAT: (for wrestler or diva with the most irritating voice)

Nominees: Stephanie McMahon, Terri Runnels, Michael Cole, The Cat, Linda McMahon, Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross; Lita;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Jerry Lawler has the voice of a thousand pre-pubescent boys, and while normally that might give me a tingle, when I watch RAW it just annoys the fuck out of me.

Harry Simon: Skankanie McMahon. You'd think someone would have reported her to PETA for the fact that every dog within a ten-mile radius of her voice immediately commits suicide.

Dr. Gonzo: Stephanie McMahon, Lita, Linda, JR, Terri, King and the Cat all take this award. They should all wrestle each other in a "tear my vocal chord out match." That was a shitty joke, but fuck it, it is new year's eve and i wants to get drunk!

Michael Melchor: Linda McMahon - the human Ritalin pill

Christopher Freda: Stephanie McMahon, Oh dear Lord make the screeching stop!

Sean Carless: Definitely Stephy here, no doubt about it. That voice is getting crazy gravely and deep. It's like she somehow absorbed Randy Savage whilst she was blowing him as a teenager.

7)STICK A FORK IN HIM, HE'S DONE: (wrestler who's gained the most weight)

nominees: HHH, Roddy Piper; Stephanie McMahon, Eric Bischoff, Shane McMahon, Tazz, Lex Luger;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Why is Luger on here? If anything, he should be commended for dropping over a hundred pounds of excess weight this past spring. Anyway, H's gets this one, for losing the ONLY thing he had going for him, which was a chiseled physique. Well, almost the only thing he had going for him-he does have a glorious smile.

Harry Simon: Roddy Piper. Like Nicky D said to Lenny Clark at the Denis Leary roast, "How can you have a drug problem AND a weight problem?!"

Dr. Gonzo: Roddy Piper; What the fuck happened to you Roddy? Did you eat every wrestler you faced in the ring since 95? Good lord, and heroin is suppossed to make you LOSE weight, unless you were shoving it up a cows ass and then eating the cow too. Good lord. Put a shirt on.

Michael Melchor: Roddy Piper - no WONDER Sean O'Haire did the bulk of the wrestling...

Christopher Freda: HHH. Triple rolls

Sean Carless: As easy as it would be to continue picking on Steph again, her weight gain was at least gradual/hilarious. I instead have to pick Roddy Piper - a man whose appearance as last seen was apalling. When Hot Rod doffed the leather jacket at Wrestlemania and revealed a swollen body that looked as if it had been stung by 5000 bees, the world found themselves in a sudden state of shock, likely wondering where their Hot Rod went, and just how their world weary Lesbian Aunt found her way into the ring . Besides, how many fat crack-heads do you know? Hey, maybe he's rolling it in butter before he smokes it? Who knows. The frying pan is already there, after all. Might as well cook some food up in it after the heroin, I guess.

8)PUSH THAT MAN!......INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC: (for wrestler who is least deserving of a Push.)

Nominees: A-Train, Matt Morgan, Nathan Jones,Mark Henry, The Undertaker, Kane, John Heidenreich, The Harris Bros.;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: KANE!! KANE!! KANE!! KANE!! KANE!! KANE!!

Harry Simon: John Heidenreich. I have a feeling that this young hoss will make quite an impact here in his first Year End Award party.

Dr. Gonzo: The Undertaker: Hmm, how do you make an already over wrestler even more over? Push him to squash younger, more talented workers. Lord know Taker needs it cause without him squashing Cena and the FBI he would be wrestling on Velocity. Poor taker.

Michael Melchor: Nathan Jones - for proof, look no further than how grateful he was for the push...

Christopher Freda: A-Train, Always and forever.

Sean Carless: A-Train. It's not that I hate him, but there just has to come a time when you admit something's failed. I know WWE likes to throw shit against the wall and see if it sticks, but eventually you have to just clean up all the shit 'cause you're making a big fucking mess. I guess what I'm *really* saying is, you don't want to use my bathroom. Trust me.

9)LT. WARF MEMORIAL "CLING-ON" AWARD: (for the wrestler who has stayed employed through all odds.)

Nominees: RVD, Steven Richards, Kevin Nash, Mark Henry, Ultimo Dragon, Erik Watts,

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: God bless that fat fuck Mark Henry. This bastard has managed to not only stay employed but also secure a respectable amount of TV time over the many ups and downs of the past 7 years, while at the same time possessing all the grace&ability of a dead transvestite and looking like 25 pounds of shit stuffed into a 5 pound bag. Mizark earns my vote.

Harry Simon: Mark Henry. Gotta give Sex-Choc credit for suckering Vince into a ten-year multi-million-dollar contract. And people say Mizark isn't a good "worker."

Dr. Gonzo: Stevie Richards:  Every month I swear that the WWE is going to fire this guy DESPITE creating a great character, working his ass off in the ring and being in the best condition of his life. I think when the world ends the only things left will be Triple H's skeleton, and Stevie Richards.

Michael Melchor:RVD - Wish I could run my mouth about my workplace like that and still stay employed - oh, wait

Christopher Freda:Mark Henry,Why oh why do you still have a job???

Sean Carless: RVD. You have to respect a guy who can talk shit and get away with it. However, he does smoke enough pot to kill a horse, so, maybe that's the reason the Fed isn't really taking anything he says too seriously. Ever had a conversation with a pot-head? One minute you're having a deep philosophical debate about spiritual enlightenment, and the next, he's got his head buried in your fridge, squeezing the last remnants of raw cookie-dough directly into his mouth. Seriously. There's a reason why guys like Matthew McConaughey don't cure cancer, folks. Or why I'm like this.

10)MAN ALIVE!..THERE'S A MAN ALIVE DONE THERE! (craziest bump of the year)

Nominees: Brock Lesnar at WM 19; Bob Holly taking a botched powerbomb, Chris Benoit by A-Train at No Mercy; Gail Kim breaks collarbone on Heat; Steven Richards injured by Heidenreich;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Brock at WM. That shit was fucked, yo.

Harry Simon: Brock's "Falling Star Press." You know, on the DVD of WM19, I hear there's an easter egg where you can hear HHH having an orgasm upon being able to point out the fact that a young star screwed up the main event of Wrestlemania.

Dr. Gonzo: Brock Lesnar: We all had been clamoring for Brock to unleash his famous shooting star, and once it Mania came about we knew it would happen. Then he did it, and his nerves got the better of him, causing him to fuck up the move badly. It was the sickest bump of the year, and thank the wrestling gods that he didn't Hayabusa himself when he did it though.

Michael Melchor:Brock Lesnar at WM 19 - D'oh!

Christopher Freda: Brock Lesnar at WM 19; Worst SSP EVER

Sean Carless: It SHOULD have been the most spectacular finish in Wrestlemania history....bar the one I came up with earlier this year that saw me fighting the Divas in a naked pillow fight where said pillows were filled entirely with dildos and pudding. I'm of course talking about the Lesnar shooting-star press. It was the definitive "holy shit" moment of 2003. Poor Brock. It should have been his greatest moment ever, besides procreating with Sable without her aged body exploding into hot embers. Unfortunately, what everyone remembers instead is his post match "bitter beer face", looking on completely nauseated, almost as if he had just seen Jason's Mom naked or something or had sex with her when he was out delivering newspapers and then tried to convince himself it never happened again by way of extensive therapy.

Also special mention goes to Nathan Jones and his special brand of "martial arts" at Wrestlemania - one that baffles your foe by you falling down before contact. Then, with the enemy stunned, billowing with laughter, you  plan your next move, lulling them into a sense of false security - whilst on a plane back to Australia. But payback's coming. Eventually.

 

11) I WOULDN'T KICK HER OFF MY FACE AWARD: (Most fuckable woman in wrestling)

Nominees: Trish, Lita, Molly, Torrie Wilson, Jackie Gayda, Victoria, Steph, Dawn Marie; Stacy Keibler;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Stacy wins, and let me tell you why. While the others are hot, every one of them looks like a stripper, hooker, porn-star or transgendered spic. I don't see too many women that look like that in my area. But Stacy is different. Sure, she's fucking gorgeous, but at the same time she looks like a hundred other college chicks that you'll see around, admire from across the park...and then follow home.

Harry Simon: Molly. Molly. Molly. Molly. Molly. Molly. Molly. Molly. Molly. Molly. Molly. Molly. Molly. Molly. Molly. Molly. Dammit, phone just rang. Where was I again? Oh yeah. Molly.

Dr. Gonzo: Victoria wins this one followed closely by Molly, Stacy and Jackie Gayda. No need to go into details, I would rather my lust for these women stay out of the printed word.

Michael Melchor: Victoria - headcase or not, I would throw that woman's thighs over my shoulder and wear her like a feedbag. Hell, I'll even let her keep the kneebrace on for safety's sake...

Christopher Freda: Lita, I'm goth/emo/punk soooo I gotta represent!

Sean Carless: Although her body could use a few extra pounds, (mine), I'll definitely go with Stacy Keibler here. She's the type of girl you take home to mom. In a dufflebag, unconscious. Don't tell anyone.

12)The Darsow Award (For Wrestler who's perservered through a TERRIBLE gimmick)

Nominees: Rosey with S.H.I.T., Lance Storm (I KNOW Stu didn't teach him the Cabbage patch!) The Bashams (A.K.A. Homolition), New Jack (in a Shark-Boy mask), Bradshaw's Gay Haircut (Hey, I know it ain't a gimmick but it's so BAD), La Resistance (Taking a Blowjob from Patterson, and you still get this gimmick?!) Torrie Wilson (Dead Father, lesbians and a fourway romp with two rednecks and a hose beast....yuck)

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: The Bashams. Even though they've since grown into it and I kind of like Gay Demolition, they were so generic at the beginning it was sad. I had flashbacks to Bobby Eaton and Steve Keirn as Bad Attitude every time I watched them.

Harry Simon: Rosey. The guy totally threw himself into his role and he's pretty damn funny, actually. Tell me you didn't laugh when he killed the cat. You'd be a damn dirty liar, you would.

Dr. Gonzo:La Resistance: I would have gone with John Cena on this one, seeing as we all thought his gimmick was dumb as shit, but it percevered. Same goes with La Resistance, and despite being saddled with a horribly generic gimmick, they have grown on me, and have become the top team on RAW. Damn they sure are sexy too [/pat patterson]

Michael Melchor: Torrie Wilson - between her "dead" dad, being the object of affection for Dawn Marie AND Sable, and a fourway romp with two rednecks and a hose beast (can't put it any better than that), I'm surprised she hasn't just walked away yet.

Christopher Freda: Lance fucking rule beotch!

Sean Carless: I have to go with Lance Storm on this one. Once one of the premiere wrestling technicians out there, Lance has now been reduced to a dancing fool with a huge penis. I'm not going to lie, though. I'm kind of glad to hear that there's more than one of us out there now.

13)THERE IS A GOD! For the moment when Lady Luck gave us a lapdance.

Nominees: Nathan Jones quits, Kevin Nash injured (again), Hogan leaves WWE., Stephanie leaves TV, HHH loses Title at Unforgiven (FINALLY), Jackie Gayda's tits fall out on RAW;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Nash getting hurt is always a heartwarming experience.

Harry Simon: Kevin Nash injured (again). 2003 was the year Big Brittle officially broke Ahmed's record for 781 consecutive injuries while under contract. Good on ya, Oz!

Dr. Gonzo: I like all these nominees, but I may have to go with Nathan Jones. This aussie bastard was a piece of shit in the ring, but one smart cookie, as he used the WWE for a free trip to australia. Boo yeah! I think I hear a dingo eating his baby, though.

Michael Melchor: Hogan leaves WWE - and don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya, Hulkster!

Christopher Freda: Jackie Gayda's tits fall out on RAW; HOORAY FOR BOOBIES!

Sean Carless: Nathan Jones quitting. Let me get this straight. He spent 10 years in Prison ... but he's afraid to fly?  I don't know about you, but if I didn't sweat  that someone may one day try to use my asshole as their own personal amusement park  behind bars, I think I just might be able sit in a little seat for two hours while watching fucking Daddy Daycare with headphones. Call me crazy.

Oh well, I will miss the big lactating bastard, regardless. In an unrelated side note, though: isn't it ironic that Nathan Jones' chest can produce milk, but Terri Runnels cannot?..Just a thought.

14)BURIED ALIVE. Most frustrating PPV burial of the year.

Nominees: HHH over Booker (WM19), HBK over Y2J (WM19), UT over Cena (Vengeance), Vince over Stumpy (Vengeance), HHH wins Elimination Chamber (Summerslam 03).

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Undertaker over Cena. I had no issue with the rest, but UT should have lost.

Harry Simon: UT over Cena (Vengeance). Let's recap. UT kicked out of Cena's finisher. Cena used a chain, but UT kicked out of that, too. UT went over clean. "FU" should stand for "Fuck Undertaker."

Dr. Gonzo: UT over Cena: I was insanely pissed off when i saw this piece of shit match booked in all its crappitude, as it proved what a pussy UT has become. The same man who threatened to kick Shawn's ass for not putting over Austin, has become the same protective bastard in the back. What's that smell? It's UT piss, as he is marking his territory all over the ring and backstage area.

Michael Melchor: HHH wins Elimination Chamber (Summerslam 03) - "Hey, I've got it! Let's let Goldberg wreck the rest of the guys in the match that WOULD be my top contenders, THEN I'll knock him out with the hammer and establish my dominance as World Champion after a BRILLIANT in-ring performance!" --Triple-H, overheard at an emergency booking meeting the night before the event

Christopher Freda: UT over Cena (Vengeance), No way the old dog should have beaten Cena

Sean Carless: I don't think I've ever been as pretend Internet mad as I was at Summer Slam when Triple H retained the Title. The timing was perfect, Goldberg was over HUGE, and HHH had a broken Steph-hammer - so much so that he had to wear a special pair of orthapedic hot pants just to protect it - and he STILL goes over. They were lucky they were ever able to even salvage Goldberg after that. And I can't be the only one a little disturbed by a blond guy wearing an Iron Cross locking a Jew in an elimination chamber, can I? Poor bastard was lucky he didn't end up for sale as a lamp shade on WWE.com.

15)THE AC/DC "BIG BALLS" AWARD. Greatest show of testicular fortitude.

Nominees: Kurt Angle working WM with a broken neck, RVD speaking out on WWE politics; Pipers performance on HBO; New Jack swearing on TNA after being told not to; Raven leaves WWE for TNA;.

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Well let's see...

Angle- Yeah it was nutsy but when you figure in the fact that he had been wrestling with that injury for a few months beforehand and that he knew what would be safe and what wouldn't, then it doesn't seem so impressive. Now, if the option for Kurt was his decision to go under for that experimental surgery was listed, then he might have gotten my vote. But it wasn't, so he doesn't. Oh, and speaking of that surgery...GREAT CALL KURT!!! TAK ING SCOTT FUCKING HALL'S ADVICE WAS A SUPER SMART THING TO DO, YOU STUPID OLYMPIC COCK!!!!!!

Piper-Piper's on drugs, so his interview wasn't ballsy.

New Jack- Black people don't know how to speak without swearing. Church, doctor's appointments, the car wash...they don't care, they just want to curse! Why should TNA be any different?

Raven- Ballsy. Not too ballsy, though, because if I remember right it was one of those Special Wrestling Company Leavings, where it's kinda sorta for ced upon you*

RVD- RVD gets my vote. I think it's pretty bold to bash the WWE in this climate, especially if you're working for them.

*Not to be confused with Sean's man-love.

Harry Simon: Kurt "Pins & Needles" Angle. The rest just toyed with CAREER suicide.

Dr. Gonzo: Kurt wins this one, though RVD gets a special commendation for what he did. But he was probably high, so that doesn't really matter. Kurt is the man, and unloaded with some sick shit for a man with a broken neck. Embarrassing that Kurt with a broken neck is better than 80% of the locker room.

Michael Melchor: Kurt Angle working WM with a broken neck - suicidal, but the risk was worth it to him to main event the Grandaddy. Well done, Kurt.

Christopher Freda:Gotta go with Kurt

Sean Carless: Kurt Angle. No real explanation needed. Mostly because I don't want to.

16)SO GREEN, HE/SHE'S BROWN AWARD

Nominees: Nathan Jones, Matt Morgan, John Heidenreich, Jackie Gayda, Gail Kim; La Resistance;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Heidenreich is brutal to watch.

Harry Simon: Gail Kim. In a squeaker, Kimbu gets my thumb up - Hey, get your minds out of the gutter! Anyway, this allows me to plug my "Behind The Pyro: Sabu" piece. Read it. You'll know why. http://seanvicious.tripod.com/wrestlingfan/id35.html

Dr. Gonzo: John Heidenrich gets this one. He is so brown I think I see peanuts on his head. This guy is a terrible worker and an absolute piece of shit. Second place goes to Gail Kim, a funny looking, talentless "wrestler." Who does she think she is Ricky Steamboat? Arm-drag, arm-drag, arm-drag, release german sup-haha, j/k arm-drag!!!!!

Michael Melchor: John Heidenreich - unless "Little Johnny" turns out to be Dean Malenko, this guy may be in deep trouble...

Christopher Freda: Nathan Jones, damn he sucked, glad he's gone

Sean Carless: Gail Kim. I know she is supposed to have a "Matrix" gimmick, but if she was *actually* ever with Neo and the Gang, I'm thinking that the human resistance would last about 5 minutes. Although, Agent Smith would also be dead from a botched headscissors. Things have a funny way of working out/being terrible sometimes. What can I say? Something actually worthwhile? Maybe.

17)"The Owen Hart Memorial Worst 'Hook-Up' Award" (For worst Wrestling Couple, Real or Scripted;)

Nominees: Stephanie and her new wife Triple H; Torrie/Billy Gunn, (who hasn't her character been with?) Sean Waltman/Chyna; (Quick Joanie, Duck!) Pat Patterson & Sylvan Grenier (He should have saved time and just painted a "bulls-eye" on his Asshole.); Erik Watts & Goldilocks; (You blow Erik with that mouth?)

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Billy Gunn needs to dance his way into a woodchipper.

Harry Simon: Sean and Joanie, just for sheer disturbingness.

Dr. Gonzo: Hands down Trips and Steph. He cemented his position in the WWE for life...unless he falls in love with Bog Show or something like that (hey it could happen). We are going to have to deal with them for a LONG time.

Michael Melchor: Torrie/Billy Gunn - A Playboy model - and the town whore? I don't get it.

Christopher Freda:Sean Waltman/Chyna; Sloppy seconds

Sean Carless: X-Pac & Chyna. HHH's sloppy seconds. If the meal was cocktail wieners, AM, I RIGHT? Penis.

18)The Shocky. Best blooper of the year, (in Honor of Shockmaster).

Nominees: Brock's "falling star press" (WM19), Gail Kim breaks collarbone (Heat), Nathan Jones falls on his ass during his debut kick (Smackdown) Goldberg nearly falls on his Ass at Summer Slam; Kane hangs himself at Summer slam;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart:  Kane hangs himself at Summer slam;

My dreams were so close to coming true, but alas, Kane managed to save his footing just enough to manage non-death at SummerSlam. BUT~! All was not lost, as I like to think that it was that same fuck-up that helped destroy Kane's "mystique" and slow down the Big Red Cancer Patient's momentum to the top of the RAW card.

That, and Shane.

Harry Simon: Nathan Jones falls on his ass during his debut kick. The most true to the spirit of Shockmaster. Like the shampoo commercial says, you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Dr. Gonzo: Goldberg: Not only did he almost fall at SS, he fell during his entrance on RAW, fell off the turnbuckle another time, flips off the fans, and forgot how to open a door. All signs point to the fact that this man does not deserve to be in the ring. It is a sign.

Michael Melchor: Brock's "falling star press" (WM19) - once again...D'oh!

(Honorable Mention and a big "thank you!" goes to Jackie Gayda's nip slip)

Christopher Freda: Goldberg nearly falls on his Ass at Summer Slam; That was funny as all hell

Sean Carless: Jackie Gayda's titties on RAW. She can blow as many spots as she wants from now on as far as I'm concerned. Just don't judge me when I follow suit.

19)YOU EXPECT ME TO SWALLOW THAT?AWARD (The Most Obvious Gay Wrestler)

Nominees: Jeff Hardy ("Imag-I-Nation" yes, Vag-I-nation, No.) Paul Heyman, (it's a rumor)Sylvan Grenier, (no explanation needed), Bradshaw, (15 violated rookies can't be wrong!), Jeff Jarrett (on outfit alone), Billy Gunn, (well, he did call himself "Ass Man"..That's good enough for me)

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Jeff Hardy likes little boys.

Harry Simon: Bradshaw. That's not a hair-do, that's a hair-that-looks-like-it's-been-spooged-in-by-the-Vienna-Boys-Choir.

Dr. Gonzo: Shit it is all about Bradshaw. After his written blow job to Trips he cut his hair and looks like the biggest fag on the planet (not that there is anything wrong with that). Yeah we expect to believe that this guy drinks beer since he does that hand motion? Whatever, he needs to learn how to signal that he drinks cosmos and takes it in the ass.

Michael Melchor:Bradshaw - Think all that testosterone and support of our soldiers may be covering up for something?

Christopher Freda: Gotta go with Paul

Sean Carless: Jeff Hardy, no doubt about it. Isn't it funny how little girls always seem to like the absolute gayest guys? It's like they secretly know they're one of them or something.

In any event, I think Jeffy boy is still undecided on whether he prefers crack in his pipe or pipe in his "crack". Time will tell I suppose.

20)AHMED JOHNSON "CLOWN-SHOES' AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF RIDICULOUSNESS:

Nominees: Nathan Jones, John Heidenreich; Lex Luger, (just a warning ladies, if he asks you back for a drink..say NO.) Gail Kim, (she must blow more than "spots" to still be on the roster) Kane; Kevin Nash; (what's he wrestled, ten times in two years?) Mark Henry; World's strongest man? (Well the other 15 guys who beat him in the Olympics may have something to say about that)

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: KANE!! KANE!! KANE!! KANE!! KANE!! KANE!!

Harry Simon: Kevin Nash. There are no bad noms for this award, so I'm voting for the guy who made the most money ($750k downside) by wrestling the fewest actual matches and no good ones.

Dr. Gonzo: I can't decide, seriously I think all of these people deserve this award, they are all equally hilarious. Unintentionally of course.

Michael Melchor: Gail Kim - The female Nathan Jones

Christopher Freda: Nathan Jones, damn...you suck

Sean Carless: Lex Luger. I'm stepping out of the normal realm of "Clown-Shoes in the Wrestling" here and bringing those mo fo's into the real World, because as bad as guys like Mizark are, nobody's ever died while in their presence. Wanted to die while watching them? Perhaps.

All I know is (seriously!), Lex ain't exactly the go to guy in an emergency. In fact, I heard that when Liz was choking, Luger immediately called "911". And when  the big man answered and said, "I only chokeslam people randomly, I'm not a doctor!" all was lost. True story.

But seriously, kind of, not really, fuck Larry "Pfohl of Muscle enhancing substances" for depriving us of the wrestling World's premier MILF. Let's just say that in the Luger/Elizabeth tandem, that there was only one "rack" I was ever interested in seeing.

21)DON"T GO AWAY MAD...JUST GO AWAY. AWARD (for Wrestler you'd most want GONE from Wrestling)

Nominees: HHH, Jeff Jarrett, Undertaker, Hulk Hogan; Bob Holly, Stephanie McMahon, Steve Austin; Billy Gunn;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: The Undertaker, thanks.

Harry Simon: HHHitler.

Dr. Gonzo: Another tough category, as I would take both Steph, Taker, and HH (both of em), for this category, as I want nothing to do with any of these morons on my television. Please GO AWAY, and NEVER COME BACK!

Michael Melchor: Hulk Hogan - Don't bother with TNA, Hulk, just get the fuck OUT.

Christopher Freda: Undertaker, please, please please RETIRE

Sean Carless: Bob Holly. I'm still waiting for Kwang The Ninja to show up on RAW and punk out Goldberg to complete this circle of stupidity.

22)No Leg To Stand On AWARD (For the best of The Mamed!)

Nominees: Kevin Nash's Quad, HHH's Quad (or Groin), Scott Steiners drop-foot sydrome; Zach Gowen's "no-foot syndrome"

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Tenacious C(ripple) gets the nod in this category.

Harry Simon: Zach Gowen, for working watchable-to-good matches on one leg. That means Nash and HHH have no more excuses. I would also like to point out the irony that his last name looks like "Go Win," which he almost never did.

Dr. Gonzo: Scott Steiner: This guy went from promising to joke really quickly during a 5 minute match where he has proven that he cannot pick somone up becaue he is too damn tired already. A man with probably 3% body fat, and he cannot work a match cause he is so unconditioned. Embarrassing.

Michael Melchor: HHH's groin - right before the guy gets married, too. Tee Hee.

Christopher Freda: Zach wins it by a nose (Sean's edit: LEG.  COME ON. IT'S RIGHT THERE, DUDE.).

Sean Carless: HHH. The way this guy guts through shit, he's like a  wrestling terminator, only there was actually hope for humanity in Terminator.

23)"Even WE'RE Embarrassed To Be Fans. US!"

nominees: Steph slaps Paul's bare ass (Raw X Special), S.H.I.T. (Raw), "Boring" Lance Storm (Raw), APA bar brawl (Vengeance), Noble-Gunn-Torrie-Nidia "four-way dance" (SD) Al Wilson being harder than than the Tree the killed Sonny Bono at his wedding on SD.

Our Picks:

Jason Hart:  That shit at the RAW special with H's flashing his arse was bad. I was watching it with friends and had no viable defense for that blatant display of gayness.

Harry Simon: Steph slaps Paul's bare ass (Raw X Special). You're getting my therapy bills, Vince.

Dr. Gonzo:Lance: A great worker being embarassed weekly. What was the outcome of this great angle? An even shittier Lance Storm. Why they couldn't push him like they did in WCW is beyond me. Well at least lately we have learned that Lance can't dance and has a huge dick. Good times.

Michael Melchor: Al Wilson giving his best petrified wood impersonation at his SmackDown wedding.

Christopher Freda: Noble-Gunn-Torrie-Nidia "four-way dance". Ugh

Sean Carless: Al Wilson. Poor Al. People could have probably used his erection to dive into a pool. (Remind me not to swim there, eh!). I sure hope Torrie at least had the good sense to buy Al some boxers for Christmas this year/do some hardcore pornography. That last part was for me.

That said, I wonder if Goldust was ever angry with Al for "stealing his gimmick"?  "Listen pally, I'm the only guy who does the whole involuntary erection thing around here!" I can imagine him yelling, before Arn Anderson suddenly walks into the room shaking his head and saying, "Not so fast!". The whole thing pretty much reads like the most pointless -and terrifying- beginning to a porn movie ever, basically. I'll stop now.

24)WELL, AT LEAST SHE HAS BIG TITS. (Award for Worst Stephanie Moment of the Year;) nominees: Vs. A-Train; Vs.Sable; Vs. Vince; Every Steph moment...EVER.

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Every time that ditchpig comes on my TV I want to kill someone. So yeah, every Steph moment ever.

Harry Simon: Every Steph moment...EVER. Loaded question. This should be an "End Of The Month" award.

Dr. Gonzo:Everyone is on my list. I hate this bitch so damn much it is unbelieveable. Go to hell Steph, NODOBY LIKES YOU. Especially when you are "wrestling" like you are the number one babyface in the promotion.

Michael Melchor: I have to stray from the list here and vote for the interview she gave Michael Cole before her big match with Daddy before No Mercy. Christ, that was hideous...

Christopher Freda: Every Steph moment...EVER. Yep

Sean Carless: That one where she came out and talked/took up screen time. I could barely masturbate to her that night. That's how offended I was, you see.

25)"HOW ABOUT SOME CLEARASIL FOR THAT BACK?!" Award for most obvious Steroid job

Nominees: Batista, HHH, Goldberg, Matt Morgan, Nathan Jones, Scott Steiner; Test; Eddie Guerrero;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Eddie may be a God amongst work-rate freaks, but that dude is no God amongst dermatologists. Brutal stuff goin' on there. And you know it's 'roids, because when he first started he didn't have any, and that's after sweating in the lettuce patch for YEARS.

Harry Simon: Dave "Oops, I ripped my bicep again - D'oh, there goes the other one" Batista.

Dr. Gonzo: Steiner wins the award hands down (or should i say dick down? get it, cause steroids makes you impotent?) Bautista is a rather close second however. He is nearing the no testicle zone i am sure, and that won't help him when it comes to Pat Patterson.

Michael Melchor: Scott Steiner - still no topping the original.

Christopher Freda: Scott Steiner; The ultimate roid boy

Sean Carless: Nathan Jones. Until Scott Steiner can match Nathan's uncanny ability to physically produce frosty mochacinos from his glands, Nat is my man (at least technically.).

26) "Speaking of Marlee Matlin, we all should be so lucky" (worst theme music)

Nominees: 3 Live Kru (NWA TNA) The Undertaker (current theme) Stephanie McMahon, Christian, Lita, Big Show (still), The Bashams; Scotty 2 Hotty;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart:  "TURN IT UP!"...Scotty has the worst fucking tunes this side of TNA, and since I don't think I can give an entire roster my vote it'll go to him.

Harry Simon: The Undertaker. Think it's too much to hope that Sara makes him stay home and do the chores in 2004?

Dr. Gonzo: Lita's music is got awful, and it sounds as if Jeff Hardy was singing it while Lita was sticking it in his ass.

Michael Melchor: The Undertaker (current theme) - I'd almost rather he use limpbizkit's "Rollin'" again. Almost.

Christopher Freda: Stephanie McMahon, I hate Missy.

Sean Carless: 3 Live Kru: WORST THEME EVER. They may be all buddies in real life, but I just don't buy their whole connection. Lets face it, with BG James deep redneck accent, he's a lot more likely to be wearing a legit "hood", than hanging out in one if you catch my drift.

27) The "ARGAIV" Award for letdown of the year? (Get it? Viagra spelled backwards)

Noms: RAW X, Stonecold's comeback, Shane McMahon's return, Kevin Nash returns, TNA's one cent PPV; Goldberg's title reign; Kane's unmasking;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart:  RAW X was a huge let down.

Harry Simon: RAW X special. Ten years of Raw and THAT was the best they could do?! Half the award winners couldn't even be bothered to show up. I can only imagine the phone calls.

Vince: "So Mick, we're doing this thing at The World to celebrate Raw's tenth anniversary."

Mick: "Sorry Vince, I'm busy that night."

Vince: "But I haven't told you what night it is."

Mick: "Oh. (Awkward pause.) Right. (Nervous laughter.) Well, um, so when is it?"

Vince: "Well, we're gonna do it in January."

Mick: "Ah jeez, Vince. Dewey has soccer games every Monday night in January."

Vince: "No problemo, we were gonna do it on a Tuesday night, anyway."

Mick: "Ah."

Vince: "So we'll be expecting you at about 6pm for the pre-production work."

Mick: "Yeah, but Vince, we've got a problem. Ummmmm.my car broke down."

Vince: "That's okay, I can send a limo for you."

Mick: "Oh, don't you dare. I wouldn't dream of putting you out like that."

Vince: "Wait a minute, don't you live two blocks away from the World?"

Mick: "Ummmmmmm.no. Not anymore. I, uh, I have that condo in Florida now."

Vince: "Didn't that burn down?"

Mick: (Mutters to himself, "I hoped it wouldn't come to this.") "Hey Vince, let me tell you about my new book, 'Tietam Brown.' In fact, I'd like to read a chapter from it right now..."

Vince: "Hey, wow, look at the time. Hey Mick, I've gotta run. I'll be in touch. Bye!" (:::click:::)

Mick: "Whew!"

Dr. Gonzo:RAW X; the biggest dissapointment perhaps ever, and Mania 20 is heading in the same direction

Michael Melchor: Stone Cold's comeback - which fucking one??

Christopher Freda:Goldberg's title reign;

Sean Carless: RAW X. Imagine a ceremony where no one invited even shows up. Now pictue me crying at my high school graduation because of it. I still pick RAW X, though.

28)ROCK IN PEACE. Best-produced "memorial tribute" feature.

Nominees: Stu Hart, Freddie Blassie, Hawk, Liz, Curt Hennig.

Our Picks:

Jason Hart:  Curt Hennig.

WHERE WAS BRONCO LUBICH'S VIDEO?! Anyway, for me Hennig wins this, although Hawk was a VERY close second.

Harry Simon: Classy Freddie Blassie. No sarcasm here. The video with CFB sitting in an empty arena then walking into a light was moving, even for heartless bastards like us.

Dr. Gonzo: Curt Hennig: Great video produced for this guy, as it really made me realize how much i missed him as a wrestler. I remember at the last Rumble when he was in it, my friends and I were marking out like crazy when he was in the final 4.

Michael Melchor: Hawk - excellent piece on "Confidential". R.I.P.

Christopher Freda: Stu's was the best

Sean Carless: Elizabeth. I don't think you're really supposed to masturbate during the moment of silence, but hey, we all grieve in our own ways.

(Mr. Perfect is my real winner, though.).

29)"The Even Ozzy Osbourne has More Credibility" Award

Nominees: Vince on Real Sports; Piper on HBO, Randy Savage's Rap Concert, Hogan on Bubba The Love Sponge; Stephanie on Howard Stern;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Anything Hogan. At least Savage's rap was funny.

Harry Simon: Macho Man On A Mission. Among other insanity, he denied that there was lip-synching involved despite a Milli-Vanilli-sized debacle in his rapping debut. And what the hell was Brian "Kronik Crush" Adams doing there?!

Dr. Gonzo: Hogan: What a jaded, delusional moron. Go to hell Hogan.

Michael Melchor: Randy Savage's Rap Concert - why would I want to hear a guy who sounds terminally constipated attempt to rap?

Christopher Freda: Randy Savage's Rap Concert, ughh

Sean Carless: The Ultimate Warrior! On CNN no less, giving right-wing political viewpoints and defending the Bush regime. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCITY~! He was at least weaing pants this time, though, whilst making no sense. Got to give him that.

30)The Best Thing Since Internet Porn (Wrestler of The Year Award)

Nominees: Angle, Lesnar, HHH, Goldberg, Jericho, Eddie Guerrero; AJ Styles, Raven;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: Since this seems to be about your favourite wrestler and not about the most succesful (buyrates, ratings, tours etc.), I'm going to vote Brock. That big dumb Swede-lookin' motherfucker has really impressed me, being the stand-out performer in matches with Big Show, Undertaker and Kurt Angle just to name a few.

Harry Simon: For staying healthy all year, Chris Jericho edges runner-up Kurt "What the hell is Nash's neck doing in my body?" Angle.

Dr. Gonzo:Eddie guerrero: The hottest wrestler in the promotion, and the most solid worker of the year. i would have voted for Angle, but he was gone for so damn long, I couldn't in good concsience give itt o him. Honorable mention goes to Benoit who could take a sack of shit (ie Nathan Jones) to a * match

Michael Melchor: Chris Jericho - underrated and worth more than most of the Raw roster.

Christopher Freda: AJ Styles, THE PHENOMENAL AJ STYLES TO YOU BITCH! BUY SOME ROH ALREADY!!!!

Sean Carless: I'm going to go left field here and say Raven. There may have been those who wrestled a better year overall, but Raven WAS the sole reason why I ordered TNA that one time, then refused to pay my bill and moved out and am now a scofflaw. So congrats. And if a guy in a suit with legal papers comes by, tell him I'm not here and you don't know when I'll be back. Thanks!

31)Match Of The year (other than my Ass and your Face)

Nominees: Angle Vs. Lesnar: SD Iron Man; Jericho Vs. HBK: Wrestlemania 19; Austin Vs. Rock: Wrestlemania 19; Angle Vs. Benoit: Royal Rumble 2003; RVD Vs. Christian: RAW IC Ladder Match; AMW Vs. XXX: TNA Steel Cage match; Paul London Vs. American Dragon, ROH;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart: London-Dragon from April of last year was the best match I've seen in YEARS. Top notch selling, psych and mat-work, and the crowd-heat was unbelievable. This match is everything that Benoit-Angle gets praised for being (but actually isn't).

Harry Simon: Angle vs. Lesnar: Ironman match. Best match on free TV since Flair vs. Steamboat 2/3 falls at Clash VI (1989). Career-best calls from Cole & Tazz, too. Just an awesome match in both booking and execution. Better than any PPV main event the WWWFE has had in years. Runner-up: Angle vs. Benoit at Royal Rumble. Kudos to Lesnar and Benoit for carrying that Angle stiff.

Dr. Gonzo: Angle Vs. Benoit: Royal Rumble 2003; absolute not doubt about it here. The AMW cage match was great, but this was a technical masterpiece. One of my favorite matches of all time. Great booking and had me on the edge of my seat.

Michael Melchor: Angle Vs. Lesnar: SD Iron Man - I'm a sucker for IronMan matches.

Christopher Freda:  Paul London Vs. American Dragon, ROH;oh yeah...BELIEVE IT!

Sean Carless: Angle Vs. Benoit. I saw some great wrestling this year (some of which I even paid for), but to me that match stood out. I've always been a huge mark for the more realistic hard hitting, physical grind you into submission style. But enough about my sex life! Budumcha.

32)Biggest Improvement (since fake Titties were invented); (most improved wrestler of the year)

Nominees: John Cena, Eddie Guerrero, Big Show, Chris Jericho, AJ Styles, Matt Hardy;

Our Picks:

Jason Hart:  I think Eddie is wrestling almost as good as he ever has, over-rated Lucha horseshit included. But Big Show has, over the course of the last year, turned into one of the smartest workers out there today, not exposing his weaknesses and playing up to his strengths almost every time he's out there.

Harry Simon: John Cena made leaps and bounds as a talker, a worker, and most of all, a performer. Even Vince can't fuck this up.unless he does.

Dr. Gonzo:: Tie: John Cena and Matt Hardy: The two most impressive workers to come around in the last year. They are pushing Cena correctly, but unfortunately Matt Hardy is lost in the shuffle already. Great improvements by these men, no doubt.

Michael Melchor: AJ Styles - despite Jarrett's overbearing presence, AJ stepped up and gave us a believable and dominant NWA Champion, carrying the would-be competition with him.

Christopher Freda:AJ WILL RULE YOU ALL!!!

Sean Carless: Matt Hardy. I think it's time to switch to Version 2, though. I heard since he started dating Lita, there was a serious vulnerability to viruses. And yes, that's how we're ending our Awards. Fuck you all.


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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).