(0riginally posted in February 2004)
This fall, CBS Viacom will team with World Wrestling Entertainment to bring you Classic TV revisited, only this time featuring WWE personalities in starring roles, in our desperate attempt to administer some FULL NIELSEN'S! (HIYO!). I mean, it's either this or more Survivor! And seriously, who wants to see the same shirtless imbeciles all in-fighting and doing the same exact shtick week in and week out with no change in sight? Well, unless it's RAW you're talking about, then, umm, ya, it's awesome! In any event, this is something we at CBS are calling "Must-Miss TV"! Fuck you, Frasier! Let's get to the line-up!:
"Paul In The Family"
Starring: Carol O'Connor, Sally Struthers, Triple H;
Plot: Paul Levesque marries into the Bunker Family, and Archie tries to figure out what kind of "game" he is up to by marrying his slightly overweight daughter.
"The biggest struggle we had of course,
is that Carol O'Connor has been dead for several years; but, thankfully,
HHH informed us of his vast experience of working with buried people".
Episode one: There is newlywed tension
when "Paul" reveals to his new wife that he cannot lie
down for her, because, he has a medical condition that prohibits him from
lying on his back for more than two seconds at a time. He then goes next
door and tells the Jefferson's that "their kind" could never
be champion. He then pedigrees George, leaves for 30 minutes, come back,
pins him, thus proving his point.
A Flair for the Golden Girls.
Starring: Ric Flair, Bea Arthur, Betty White & Rue McClanahan;
Plot: Ric Flair, adjusting to retired life, moves down to Florida's elderly community. Hilarity ensues, as he stops the fledgling hearts of the community's elderly with big chops.
"Ric is just great here. His interactions with the 'Golden Girls' are just amazing. He's just so overzealous! Just the other day, he completely improvised the scene by thumbing Bea Arthur in the eye and kicking her low in her fragile pelvis! She then died! Flair then lightened the mood by cutting an insane jig, than dropping a phantom elbow on the sound stage! Great stuff! -Producer.
Episode one: A game of shuffle-board goes awry, when Ric lives up to his moniker of "Dirtiest Player in the Game" by knocking out Sophia with a hidden international object, then accidentally crushing Rose after insisting on being tossed off the top of a cabana by Blanche Devereux.
Who's The Hoss?
Starring: A-Train, Judith Light & Alyssa Milano;
Plot: An unnaturally hairy single-father crosses the tracks (HIYO) to make a new life with his daughter in quaint Connecticut.
"Albert is the new generation of leading man. Gone are the usual stigmas of being good looking, or in some cases, even having any talent whatsoever"- Director.
Episode one: Neighbors wonder why, even though he is terrible at his job, Angela keeps Albert employed, even though there are clearly many people more qualified for his spot. Maybe it's because just he's so big. Who'd buy someone small and athletic... umm, cooking and cleaning, anyway? That's just absurd.
Saved By The Bell's Palsy
Starring: Jim Ross, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen & Mario Lopez;
Plot: Good Ol' JR transfers into Bayside as "Executive vice president of High School operations" (Principal). Tempers rise when he butts heads (a size 8 hat size, by gawd) with school troublemaker, Zach Morris, who earns the Principal's disdain immediately by scalding his dog, beating his mule donated by way of the government, then getting a case of the limber-tail. A three episode arc is expected just to explain what in the fuck that even means. By gawd.
"Jim seems to have taken an almost
creepy liking to Mario Lopez, constantly referring to him as a "muscular
Episode one: Mr. Belding (J.R.) convinces Zack that in order for him to compete with the "Hoss-like" A.C. Slater for the affections of school by gawd Jezebel, Kelly Kapowski, he must first build up his upper-body...then, and only then, can Zack truly "be in the hunt".
Heenan Family Ties
Starring: Bobby Heenan, Michael J. Fox & Meredith Baxter Birney;
Plot: Bobby Heenan is the Brains behind his suburban family;
Episode one: Bobby shocks his quiet neighborhood when he and his family conduct a 5 on 1 attack on that humanoid, Skippy, leaving the young man with broken ribs after several Avalanche splashes from Tina Yothers.
Starring: Hulk Hogan, Brutus Beefcake, Jimmy Hart, Jim Duggan & Brian Knobbs;
Plot: Remake of the original with Hulk Hogan & Friends coping with life in a German P.O.W. camp. Hulk & the gang ultimately escape in the very first episode, thus immediately ending the series, because the guards made the unenviable mistake of trying to punch Hulk in the head more than two times, and well, Hulk decided he didn't want to put the Germans over. They couldn't sell out a Flea Market. Or take Europe. But mostly the first.
"For years people have
speculated what would happen if the Nazi's had to tangle with the unbridled
power of Hulkamania. In fact, had the ATOMIC LEGDROP existed in the 30's,
I doubt there'd have even been a war.... Or a World. It's that devastating".
- Director under threat of being body-slammed.
Episode one: Col. Hogan takes the rap for his buddy after there is a panic in the camp after a mysterious white powder is discovered in a near-by foot locker. Luckily it just turns out to be cocaine. He then body slams every obese German in plain sight, because, damn it, that's what you do to fat-assed foreigners.
Here Comes The Growing Pains!
Starring: Brock Lesnar, Alan Thicke, & Kirk Cameron;
Plot: The mild-mannered Seaver family takes in a 300 pound street orphan; Yet are not weirded out by the fact he seems to never wear pants.
Episode one: After a tumultuous recovery, Carol (Tracey Gold) seeks revenge after Brock unapologetically powerbombs her, breaking her neck and driving her to bulimia. This is still somehow more credible and believable than the plight of Bob Holly.
Coming Soon: Everybody Loves Kanyon!
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).