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WWE EXTREME RULES 2011 RANT

by "Great" Scott


"Great" Scott's Super-Great Live Review of Extreme Rules

Featuring Especially Great Guest Recapper "The Mickster"

Consider yourselves RIDCULOUSLY LUCKY, because this year's Extreme Rules PPV is coming to you from "Great" Scott's backyard, Tampa, Florida! Being the EXTREEEEEME WWE Universe member that I am, I felt obliged to waste a few hundred of my hard earned dollars to attend one of the WWE's "non-Big Four" PPVs. I figure, after burning it and flushing it down the toilet, this is probably the most effective way to part with my cash.

Since I just looooove to share my suffering with you, I decided to write about my experience! However, since the old saying goes, "Misery loves company," I decided to drag one of my close personal friends to the PPV. He's even been nice enough to help with the recap…take it away Mickster!

We're LIVE (well, we were live) from Tampa, FL and this is Mickster, your guest commentator for Extreme Rules 2011. I'm happy to join your favorite wrestling recapper "Great" Scott for this report. In the words of Tony Schiavone, "This could be THE greatest night in wrestling history folks"…Well, probably not, but we can hope anyways. With that said, let's get to it.

Thanks, Mickster! As you say, let's head to the ring for our opening match.

Tyson Kidd vs. Sin Cara (Dark Match)

"Great" Scott

Wow, a dark match…on a doo doo, second-tier show! And a GOOD dark match, to boot!

This match was a pretty decent affair, for a filler match. It definitely did its job in pumping the crowd up. Sin Cara is still a little raw, as he repeated a couple of spots, but he still did a couple of awesome high spots (including his crazy backflip Rock Bottom off the top rope that is essentially Paul Burchill's old finisher on steroids). Kidd definitely held his own with some nice ground work, but in the end, Sin Cara got the win.

Winner: Sin Cara

Rating

Mickster

I agree with "Great" Scott, nice little dark match to open up the show. Sin Cara pulled off the opening dive into the ring cleanly without clipping the rope. And his finisher, while it may kill someone one day literally, is pretty freaking awesome. The whole point of a dark match is to get the crowd pumped up for the main show and this match succeeded in doing that. Nice little match.

Rating:

Randall K. Orton vs. CM Punk (Last Man Standing Match)

Mickster

CM Punk came out surrounded by his Nexus clan and immediately we hear the annoying chimes that the anonymous Raw GM has a special announcement. We're off to a great stop to the show. "And I quote....Nexus is banned from ringside for the match" Well isn't that nice. Now the match, and show, can finally start and Punk and Orton deliver a very solid match. They were given 20 minutes to work with and these guys have pretty good chemistry together so that usually equals something worth watching and they didn't fail to deliver. I would really like to see what these two could have delivered with this time frame in a non-PG rated environment. It coulda' been a slobberknocker, if you will. Regardless, they still did a fine job. There was an RKO on the announce table which didn't break. I don't know how it came across on TV but it looked pretty painful there in person. I would like to have seen Punk get the win but with rumors that his contract is up and is considering leaving the company for a bit, the result is not that surprising. Randall hits an RKO off the top rope and Punk is counted out giving Orton the win. Orton is going over to Smackdown where he should be in the title picture pretty soon. Punk seems to be in limbo and it will be interesting to see what the next few weeks holds for him.

Winner: Randall Orton

Rating:

"Great" Scott

I'll tell ya', I will admit that this match wasn't bad. The only problem I have with Orton being in any type of "extreme" match is that the guy still doesn't know how to sell ANYTHING. Orton hit like two moves on Punk and Punk was selling like he got dropped off of a building; Orton wasn't selling the cane shots at all. There were some cool spots in this match…like the RKO on the announce table The Mickster mentioned, but Orton still drives me crazy with his inability to sell anything (or lose…ever). CM Punk continues his streak of not winning anything…which means he'll get a belt within the next week or so.

Oh yeah, matches like these (where a lot of the action takes place on the floor) are tough to enjoy live. This was a good match, but we had to watch half of it on the screens over the ring.

Rating:

Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus (Tables Match)

"Great" Scott

Um, okay. This match was thrown together via on-screen skit between Sheamus and Teddy Long. If this were on an episode of SmackDown, I'd be pissed, but I'm thrilled that it's on a PPV I paid too much for!

This match was kinda' short, and most of the "high" spots were teases and narrow escapes. One clever spot saw Sheamus toss Kingston over his head into a table propped up in the corner, and Kingston spreading his legs and straddling it. This was another match with a wonky flow, with Kingston winning with a suuuuuuuuper high cross body off the top rope to the outside. Sheamus didn't seem like he caught him right, and the two of them obliterated a table.

Winner: Kofi Kingston

Rating:

Mickster

This match was thrown together at the last minute and it definitely felt rushed and a little scattered. There were tables set up everywhere and Kofi teased going through them several times. In the end, Kofi picks up the win and becomes the new US Champion. The outcome really shouldn't have been in question from the beginning. Sheamus is moving to Smackdown and Kofi is moving to Raw and they need one of the secondary belts on Raw. You would think they could come up with a more creative way to make the switch but Kofi and Sheamus made it work as well as they could. Sheamus will move on and could possibly feud for the World Title soon on Smackdown and Kofi will probably transition the belt off to someone else and linger in the mid-card for awhile. Okay match.

Rating:

Michael Cole and Jack Swagga' vs. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler (Country Whipping Tag Team Match...or something like that...does it really matter...it's a strap match)

Mickster

And the country's long nightmare continues...the Michael Cole push. Is there anyone else wondering whose Cheerios Jack Swagga' pissed in to get placed into this never ending story line? Cole comes out wrapped in bubble wrap, which I have to admit made me chuckle a bit. But things went downhill quickly. Jim Ross did get a crotch shot on Swagga' who immediately moaned "Thufferin Thuccotash." Cole gets his team the win when he rolls up JR for the pin. Mercifully the match was only about five minutes and not the two hours they got at Mania (well, it "seemed" that long at Mania). When asked how long this feud will continue, Michael "Squints" Palledorous said, "FOREVER.....FOREVER.....FOREVER"

Winner: NO ONE…AT ALL!

Rating:

"Great" Scott

This match sucked. Of all the fu**ing heels they could've put over tonight, MICHAEL COLE WAS THE ONLY ONE!!!

The best part of this match? The only time the crowd reacted was to boo Cole as he came to the ring. Even when he and Swagger won, no one gave a damn; during the match, it sounded like a monastery in the building. This angle is beyond old. The bubble wrap was the most talented thing in the ring. Even Swagger is starting to suck as a result of this feud.

Rating:

Cody Rhodes vs. Rey Mysterio (Falls Count Anywhere Match)

"Great" Scott

This is definitely another match that would've been better to see at home. Things spilled outside quickly and headed into the crowd, up the stairs, into the concourse, and back into the ring. This match had nifty spots aplenty, including Rhodes putting Rey in Boston crab through a handrail and Rhodes hitting a leaping kick off of a snack bar. Rey got in a cool seated senton off the stage, and eventually got the win back in the ring with a 619 on Rhode's midsection and a springboard splash. This match was good, better than the "punch a guy and walk 30 feet" matches these typically turn into.

Winner: Rey Mysterio

Rating:

Mickster

Falls Count Anywhere matches are fine for television but unless the action spills out near you, these suck if you are in the crowd. That's okay though, I had a kink in my neck and looking up at the tv monitors for most of the match worked it out. What I could see was pretty decent stuff from these two. The Boston Crab on the handrails was sweet!! The action in the concourse looked like it was pretty well done. It would have been nice for the match to just end out there somewhere because when they made it back to the ring the action died down a bit. I didn't see it in person but reading other recaps of the show it sounds like Rey spit green mist at Cody a la The Great Muta. Heelish tactics from Rey?? Consider me intrigued. I wonder if this will develop more or be a one time thing. We'll see.

Rating:

Michelle McCool vs. Layla (Loser Leaves WWE Match)

Mickster

Flair/Steamboat...Austin/Rock...Hart/Michaels...McCool/Layla.....I can't believe Great Scott has left his seat for this match. Doesn't he know the chemistry these two have together?? I hope the kidney tap was worthwhile Scott because you don't dare risk missing a classic......Ah, who am I kidding. This was terrible just like everyone knew it would be. There was nothing notable to report in the match. Layla wins, Michelle has to leave (so who REALLY won?? Hmm…) This was a complete waste of time...............BUT..............we have breaking news. Mark Henry and Ursula the Sea Witch had a baby and they called her KHARMA!!!!!!! Yes, Kharma comes out after the match and slowwwwllllyyyyyy makes her way to the ring. McCool cowers in fear in the ring, afraid for her life. Kharma gets in and delivers an implant buster on McCool. Somewhere out there The Undertaker is not happy. Kharma gives some menacing looks and leaves the ring. She is heading to the back to find a Bella twin to eat or something.

The match was half a Tony the Tiger, Kharma's debut was worth one full star.

Winner: Layla

Rating:

"Great" Scott

Yeah, I actually held off taking a piss through the Michael Cole match…and it was AMAZING how many men held their urine flow until this match. I was gone about three minutes and the match was already over. Bummer. I did return in time to see Kharma decimate Michelle McCool…probably left her lying because she wasn't worth eating. This only gets one star because of Awesome Kong and the fact that I won't have to watch Michelle McCool and her male teenage basketball player's body on SmackDown for a while.

Rating:

Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio (Ladder Match)

"Great" Scott

Okay, this is the match I had been waiting for. Overall, this contest was pretty darned good. It certainly wasn't as good as the ladder matches from the "Attitude Era," but it was competent, nonetheless. This was probably the only match on the card with any semblance of psychology, as Del Rio kept working on Christian's arm. Good spots included Del Rio pulling Christian through the rungs of the ladder, getting him stuck between two of the rungs. Just look at the picture. There was a crazy spot on the outside, and the spot to end the match almost killed Del Rio (he got his foot caught on the ropes when Christian shoved the ladder over). There were some sketchy moments, as both Del Rio and Christian had to look stupid waiting for someone to hit their cue (Christian stood on the ladder for like 20 minutes while Brodus Clay hoofed it in to interfere), but nothing was so bad that it made the match any worse.

The ending came when it seemed as if Del Rio was going to win. He applied the arm breaker, tossed Christian to the outside, and climbed the ladder…only to have Edge come out for the distraction. Christian shoved the ladder over, climbed it himself, and won the match to THE LOUDEST POP I'VE EVER HEARD. I can only wonder if they let it play as loud on the broadcast…the crowd went APE SHIT.

One more funny thing…there was a drunk white guy cheering for Del Rio the entire match, and then a drunken Mexican guy kept yelling for Christian…just thought it was ironic.

Winner: Christian

Rating:

Mickster

Now this was a nice match. Ladder matches generally can't match some of the classics from the 90's but with the right participants they can still produce a lot of excitement. Christian and Del Rio had me hooked so kudos to them. The spots speak for themselves and most have been seen in other ladder matches so I want to focus on the ending. Christian has always been one of the guys who keeps his mouth shut, stays out of trouble, and always gives his all in the ring. He deserves to get the World title and it's nice to see WWE finally give him that chance to hold the belt. Scott was right about the pop from the crowd, they went freaking bananas. I was in the stadium for Wrestlemania 24 in Orlando for Flair/Michaels and Christian's pop even beat that one. What an awesome moment and I'm glad I was there. Congrats Christian, you deserve it. Great match.

Rating:

Big Show and Kane vs. Wade Barrett and Ezekiel Jackson (Lumberjack Match)

"Great" Scott

Goody goody, gumdrop, another thrown together at the last minute match! The "jobberjacks" consist of guys like the Usos, Tyler Reks, Darren Young, and some FCW guys. Mickster picked a good match to get up and get a drink and a program…

The main purpose of this match is to further destroy The Corre. To summarize the match, some stuff happens, Jackson tags in and slams Big Show (which is still impressive), and then Barrett blind tags in. Barrett tries for Wasteland and gets chokeslammed and pinned for his troubles. After the match, the other two Corre members get wrecked, too.

Winners: Big Show and Kane

Rating:

Mickster

Observations from the merchandise stand. Man alive everything is expensive!!....Ron Simmons came out and said, "DAMN!" Went to get an ice cold Cola Cola as I was feeling a little parched. The lady took my order, gave me a receipt and said I needed to wait behind like 20 people who were all waiting on food. Come again?? All I got is a bottle of coke that's in a cooler behind you and you can't turn around and get it!! After explaining this to her she finally did it just to get me out of there. Be careful lady or I'll send Kharma over to eat you.....Upon getting back to my seat I realized that I "missed" this match. Did I really "miss" it though?? Something to think about.

Rating: Zero Tony the Tigers

John Cena vs. John Morrison vs. The Miz (Triple Threat Steel Cage Match)

Mickster

I love steel cage matches. One of my earliest memories of wrestling is going to the Jacksonville Coliseum with my dad in the mid-80's and seeing Ric Flair and Dusty Rhodes go at it in the steel cage. They would both be wearing the crimson mask 10 minutes into the match and would still go for another 30-45 minutes like that. Great stuff. This didn't live up to those memories but it was a darn fine match nonetheless. The Miz has really grown on me the past year and he is now one of the main reasons I watch wrestling. He's a great heel character and plays the part perfectly, but he can also bring it in the ring now as well. His title run has been top notch and we will no doubt see more of them in the future. But you had to figure Cena had a good chance to go over here and he does. All three men get pretty equal offense in and Morrison once again does his best attempt to steal the match. He did get a signature crazy dive off the top of the cage (he could have jumped to the outside and won, but we'll just forget about that). There was one time when he did drop on the outside but the cage door caught him right on the crotch. OWWWWWWW. Eventually R-Truth came out and beat down Morrison eliminating any chance of him winning but that was to be expected. The match ended when Cena performed an Attitude Adjustment on Miz off the top rope. The winner and NEW WWE Champion...Johnnnnnnn Cennaaaaaaaaa.  Great match that went about 20 minutes. Kudos to all three guys.

Winner: John Cena

Rating:

"Great" Scott

Let me start by saying steel cages without blood are pretty weak, generally. This match wasn't weak, but it could've been so much more with a little more violence. As it was, there were plenty of high spots and some good pacing, but how many times can you climb to the top, fight with another guy, and CLIMB BACK INTO THE CAGE!!??!! It got dull after a while.

Cool moments included Morrison getting crotched on the damn cage door (ouch), Morrison hitting Paul Burchill's finishing move, (That move was stolen twice on one show!) Cena hitting the Attitude Adjustment off the top rope, and The Miz hitting a few cool moves (mostly on John Morrison).

Again, this match wasn't horrible, but it wasn't the end-all-be-all cage match, either. Cena winning was a surprise…and not a good surprise. We hauled ass at the one count (since the pin was academic at that point), so we didn't get to hear Cena's Bin Laden announcement.

Rating:

Mickster's Conclusion

Well, it was fun joining Great Scott for this recap. I hope you have enjoyed it. Overall, I thought the show was a success and it was a good time seeing it in person. Now it's my promo time. If you are interested in seeing more of my work, I have a movie blog and would like to invite you to check it out. You can find it at www.mindofmickster.blogspot.com; It's nothing special, but I enjoy working on it and right now I am counting down my 100 favorite films of all time. Give it a look see if for no other reason then to give me a page view count. Thanks, everybody.

"Great" Scott's Conclusion

I really don't have much else to say. The card was really good…not great, but certainly not like a typically filler PPV. I miss the Extreme Rules PPVs of the ECW days, but this was a relatively competent event. I don't agree with much of the booking, but I've come to expect this from the WWE…do what people don't expect, even if it doesn't make any sense. Maybe Vince Russo is working behind the scenes…

Well, that's it folks. I hope to see you all this Friday for yet another SmackDown recap!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).